#because i suddenly lost both motivation and ability

[blushouyo]

trying to get back into the swing of things when it comes to drawing and let me tell you... boxes

[liyawritesss]

Hey! If you're requests are open I'd love to read how a meeting between the reader and 1610 Miles at a party would go. Love your writing!

ᴍᴇᴇᴛɪɴɢ ʜɪᴍ ᴀᴛ ᴀ ᴘᴀʀᴛʏ

Characters: Spiderverse!1610!Miles Morales x Black!GN!Reader

Genre: Headcanons

Synopsis: At another one of Rio’s rooftop parties, there’s a new face among the crowd. How would Miles take to meeting a new friend at a party?

Warnings: tooth-rotting fluff we all deserve !!

A/N: Still slowly but surely getting back into the swing of things! A lot has been going on recently that has affected my motivation and ability to write, but I’m still here and still very present in all the fandoms i’m in, so don’t be shy to send in those requests!

Tags: @6-noir @babyboiboyega @badass-dora-milaje @jacuzziwaters @mbakuetshurisprincess @shuriszn @verachii @writingintheshadowsforever @cafehyunji @niyahwrites @marsfunzon22 @briology @honeybleed @romiantic @onlyperc @starsoirees @yasminisbroke @asensitivecookie @kdyance @sussybaka10 @famedrs-blog @milesismyhubby @foreclosure--of--a--dream @ykimobessed @soilmayo @edgyficuselastica @coffeeandtealol @moon-bo-young @imtoofineforthisworld

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I often imagine in these kind of situations, because Miles doesn’t have many friends, he’s often either off to the side somewhere just jamming to the music on his own, or the little cousins are absolutely hounding him for some form of entertainment. There is no in between lol. But for this, lets refer to the formerly mentioned, and say this also takes place after the trilogy fiasco.

Like said previously, he doesn’t have many friends. The friends he does- or, did have, he can’t ever really see again. Maybe he’s got his cousins the talk to, and he of course has Ganke on speed dial, but other than that, Miles definitely feels more alone than ever at these parties.

A new face coming around would be met with a bit of apprehension. He doesn’t know how he should approach you. Should he introduce himself first? Wait til your parent(s) do? Should he offer you something from the food table? Start the conversation about the mix the DJ is playing? You definitely see the thoughts flashing across his face, and it’s only when you’re in front of him that his mind completely halts he lets a strained ‘hi’ come from his lips, a sheepish smile on his face and his heart racing because he probably looks like an idiot right now-

Turns out, you’re the kid of yet another family friend - can never have too many of those am i right? - who’s just as lost as he is, just as nervous and out of touch as he is. Maybe you don’t want to be here, maybe you aren’t sure why you had to come in the first place. But Miles’ first act of kindness to break the awkward silence is to awkwardly shuffle his feet, reach into his pocket to pull out his earbud case, and offer one up to you with a sheepish “do you like rap music?’

You both sit for a minute as you shuffle through his music playlists - he’s kind of nervous cuz he hopes you’re not judging his music taste, but when he sees you bobbing your head to the beat, it gives him some relief. After some time with this, one (or both) of your stomach rumbles and the food table is suddenly calling your name. Miles leads you to it so that he can tell you all that’s laid out. He himself eagerly grabs a small plateful of alcapurrias de Yuca (stuffed Yuca fritters) and tostones (double-fried plantains). He makes a point to point out some foods you may like - there’s a wide array of them, no thanks to his mom and aunties who always make sure the party table is always filled with foods from home.

Remember that scaffolding under the water tower for that building that was shown in the movies? Yeah, he takes you up there. Partially because the music is too loud to hear his own thoughts now, but also because he now sees you as someone cool and potential friend, and wants to get to know you better. Maybe it’s also the looming eyes of his mom that seemingly tell him to at least try and make friends with (especially someone they know, all things considered). And that’s where you guys chill out for the remainder of the party. You share socials, send each other titktoks or instagram reels, and make sure to exchange contact info to keep in touch. I think that throughout all of this, despite the anxiety that always comes with meeting someone new, Miles is forever grateful that he’s gained a new friend, and he definitely can’t wait to hang out with you more!

If you enjoyed, please leave a like, comment, and reblog for others to see! And don’t be shy to send in a request! Reminder, if you aren't tag, Tumblr may not be letting me tag you :c womp womp.

[intotyun]

Analysis on aizen's goals and motivations + why he actually lost

Since bleach cour 3 is coming out so much later, I thought I should do an analysis on aizen, mainly focusing on his goals and motivations.

So one thing that is made abundantly clear is that aizen's whole reason for going to war with the gotei 13:

1. Change the world that is built on treachery and lies

2. By overthrowing the soul King and become God itself so he can rebuilt it in his image.

“That's an argument only a loser would make! A victor should speak on how the world should be, rather than how it currently operates. I refuse to accept the world ruled by that thing! I am a victor, I shall decide how the world should be! ”

Don't think I have to do a word for word analysis on what Aizen meant here. But what's interesting is how aizen referred to the “soul king” as THAT thing, as if his disgusted and we all know from cfyow how the soul king was betrayed and mutilated by the 5 nobles and used as some linchpin because they were terrified of his power. The 5 nobles then went on the rebuild the world in their image. And when they “rebuild it in their image”, they were actually rebuilding a world that would benefit ONLY them.

And we see how this image they built turned out: the current soul society.

Soul Society is a very shitty place to live in if I'm being honest, and I'm pretty sure someone as smart as Aizen would have noticed this. I always headcanon him as someone who lived in the Rukongai District, so he would naturally see first hand on how the world operates.

Aizen does not have a backstory, but I'm certain that something tragic must have happened in his past for him to be SO motivated to change this world. I'm sure Aizen did not suddenly want to become a God when he was first born (as funny that would be). He took on that role because

1. He had the power to do so and

2. No one wanted to

Aizen's "loser" speech was directed to Kisuke telling him how he despised him for not taking action despite his intellect. Which is why I think Aizen isn't really a egotistical man per say who wants to overthrow God because he believes he is superior. If God was doing his job and making life after death a “true paradise” instead of “a hell hole”, Aizen would have never tried overthrowing him.

And this is also why I don't think Aizen would have mind if someone else such as Kisuke became the soul king. Just as long, they had the intellect and power to change this horrible world. But since no one could see what he can see, Aizen took on the manter to change the world as he had the power and intellect to do so.

Now we all know what aizen's main goal and motivation was: to change this stagnant and shitty world that only existed to benefit the 5 nobles.

Now we move into another goal and desire that is a bit personal. Something that was locked away in Aizen's heart. Something that can only be found if you are on equal footing with him and can feel his sword.

the goal to find an equal.

this was stated clearly by Ichigo when he said, “perhaps he has been searching all this time for someone to regard as his equal” now I don't think kubo would dedicate 2 pages of Ichigo talking about Aizen's loneliness just for it to be simply “Ichigo assumption” I think this was Kubo's way of telling us readers this was how Aizen was truely feeling deep down.

Now, what exactly did Ichigo meant by equal? Did he mean in terms of strength? Well, we have yamamoto for that. How about in terms of intellect? Kisuke has the same kind of knowledge Aizen has. How about a combination? Is there actually anyone who is both smart and strong? nope it's just Aizen.

Then why do people say Ichigo was the only one who Aizen regarded as an equal? Ichigo definitely does not see eye to eye with Aizen's idealogy. Ichigo is strong yes, but that can't be the only thing considered to be “Aizen's equal”.

What is considered being “Aizen's equal” is the ability to understand him as a person and also understand the burden of his strength (really reminds me of gojo)

But you see, at the end of the day, Aizen has not find that equal. Ichigo is not that equal, he can never understand Aizen. He has no idea of his past and had no idea of what exactly pushed him to the edge. He can only understand more aspects of him than the other soul repears. And that is just very.... depressing. I truly think the only reason why Ichigo prolonged that battle, was so he could understand Aizen more. But he gave up when Aizen kept evolving and remembered why he came here.

Why did Aizen actually lose?

First let's mention about the traitor trio relationship.

First we have Tosen, the one Aizen killed.

Toswn served Aizen even before he became a shinigami. He saw the corruption of the Soul Society and believed that Aizen is the only one who can remake it to a better world. But where is he now? Oh that's right, gone.

In cfyow vol 3, page 370-375, the author described aizen and tosen relationship as “close” very bold choice of words given the fact we barely see Aizen being “close” to anyone. But this is backup with evidence:

1. Aizen able to sense the soul of Kaname vanishing, and then the author went on to say, "the soul of the man with whom he shared a destined relationship with; the man who was his confident"

2. Aizen respecting Tosen's wish to be killed if he ever started to accept the world of the shinigamis

3. Aizen telling himself, “sometimes, fear is necessary for evolution” when Tosen asked aizen to kill him.

I think Aizen truly did care for Kaname in his own way and not just use him as a means/tool. He formed a genuine bond with him though I wouldn't go to an extend and say he was an equal. As the only thing he saw eye to eye with Aizen was the state of the world.

And next, we have Gin the one who betrayed him. I believe Aizen knew deep down Gin was going to betray him but kept him around out of curiosity, and he wasn't bullshiting his way. But what I want to talk about is this panel of aizen after killing Gin and seeing everyone around him suffering. He looks... sad???

But why? Does that mean deep down in his heart, Aizen cared for Gin? I mean looking back Gin was a child prodigy something Aizen could probably relate to (as Aizen was also born with exceptional talent and strength)

I think this is the moment where Aizen was slowly beginning to have the desire to lose. He lost thr espada and the only 2 confidents he somewhat cared for. He truely has to stand above the heavens alone. But Ichigo pulled up and obviously Aizen has to put on the facade of “i'm stronger than you”

now, let's move on to the fight

“Let's do this Aizen real quick. It will be over”

But then, when they clash swords, he feels Aizen's sword and the loneliness coming out from it, it probably made Ichigo curious. This was not the Aizen he faced before, the Aizen he faced was confident and showed no signs of "loneliness".

Ichigo says this but goes on to prolongs the battle and keeps asking Aizen a bunch of questions. You can see it as Ichigo flexing on Aizen but I think Ichigo truely wanted to end this battle quick by all means necessary.

This isn't Ichigo flexing, this is Ichigo trying to understand Aizen. But I guess since he spend so much time in the dangai, he probably cannot properly ask aizen like how he would normally do in his battles.

Asking him questions that Aizen asked him before as he thinks this Aizen would be feeling the same thing ichigo did when he first faced aizen. Trying to relate to him and overpower him to tell Aizen, “hey i'm stronger than you, you arent the only one with overwhelming strength in this world”. Trying to relate to Aizen.

Obviously, this doesn't work, and Aizen gets angry and transforms into monster aizen.

Ichigo is confused and looks so sad, his probably thinking, "I don't get it. Why is he doing this? Doesn't he hate his strength? Shouldn't he feel better knowing that there is someone else as strong as him? Dosent he want to lose?"

“I see, so you cannot allow it, hogyoku. You can't forgive me...”

this was the beginning of Aizen's downfall: relying too much on the hogyoku. Aizen talks to the hogyoku as if a shinigami talks to its zanpakuto. The more he bonded with it, the more the hogyoku forged a relationship with him and read deeper into his heart.

Monster Aizen managed to damage Ichigo and I guess since he realised that lives were at stake here, he gives up trying to understand Aizen and ends it. You can see the look Ichigo gives to Aizen's “dead” body and his reaction when he found out he was still alive.

“Hogyoku has determined I no longer need a Zanpakuto!”

Once again, Aizen relies on the Hogyoku rather than his own zanpakuto. His zanpakuto is not disappearing because he has become more powerful. it's because he himself has replaced it with a new weapon.

And once that was done, the Hogyoku managed to bond with Aizen more, and it read deeper into his heart and ultimately saw what his true desire was. The desire to be normal so he can relate to others. So the Hogyoku granted Aizen his wish.

In the end, Aizen lost because he himself does not understand what he truely wants: to be a god or to connect with others. In contrast to Ichigo who has fully accepted himself.

*btw I believe aizen did lose his zanpakuto here, but during the events before tybw, well he did alot of reflection with himself and his zanpakuto spirit and thus, he got back his powers which is probably why he didn't know who yhwach was seeing when he was fighting him

TYBW

In tybw we see Aizen back again, even more stronger than before as stated by urahara and it also seems he has kyoka suigetsu's power back again.

And from what we can tell, Aizen is back to his normal "arrogant" self with a little twist. Starting with his interaction with yhwach.

Aizen pokes fun at yhwach for “having more trouble with kurosaki Ichigo” then he had forseen. But Yhwach refutes back at him and tells Aizen, “not to project his insecurities onto me” (lmao yhwach) but funny enough, Aizen dosen't even try and talk back. He instead ignores him and tells yhwach he plans to stop him.

“so you see me as Ichigo Kurosaki? Fascinating...”

another moment where the old aizen wouldn't have done: using himself as a shield/sacrifice to help to defeat the enemy. I guess yhwach was right, “to join forces when confronted by a common enemy, is this not the actions of those cowards you detest so much?”

Not only that, aizen was trusting the fact that ichigo could figure out that he activated kyoka suigetsu to deliver the blow to Ichigo. A complete contradiction on his statement on “trust is the same thing as reliance”

People always see that moment as a badass moment, but personally this was when I knew tybw aizen was not the same aizen as before.

This is probably why Aizen was getting stronger, he is not scheming anything anymore, and thus has no choice but to do a reflection on himself and has to come to terms with his conflicting desires. The more he understands himself, the more stronger he would become.

And lastly, we have iconic panel of Aizen speech on courage.

There is nobody in bleach that embodies the word "courage" more then Ichigo. He experienced all kind of defeats which shaped him as a person. Even when he was faced with a stronger opponent, never once did he back out and instead he pushed forward and conquered his fear.

Something Aizen was not capable of. Aizen was afraid of his own conflicting desires that lies within deep in his heart. Because he thinks that part of him wont help accomplish what he set out to do and thus, refused to acknowledge that other part of him.

But Ichigo instead accepted both the quicy and Hollow parts as Zangestu. Both who are also conflicting parts of him.

Aizen is definitely returning in the hell arc, szyal stating that the reason why the gates of hell were shut was because of the immense spitrual pressure of aizen. The gotei 13 will have to come to terms that despite how shitty aizen is, they can not deny he is STRONG. And will have no choice but to ask him for his strength. I would really be vv interesting to see how aizen would play out and his role.

[kjzlstuio]

Hello I saw your post, how about tsp headcanons or maybe anything about your au?

OH SHIT SOMEONE PERCIEVED MY AU

I feel like everyone that gets into tsp has an au for their own interpretation and story, so minee uhhhhh I had a plan to make a whole fic + illustration series for it, but I dont have the time or motivation so I'm cool with infodumping. Actually, getting it all down now would make it easier to release content for it, so win win !!

SUPER LONG INFODUMP INCOMING

My au is mostly a character exploration of Stanley and Narrator after years in isolation before it starts getting meta. From adjustment to their new lives, to the evolution of their relationship through insanity, and finally discovering the truth of their world to break free.

The first few chapters are dedicated to Stanley's adjustment from his real life to the game. Chapter 1 follows his daily routine, his commute, his entrance into the building, and suddenly, the silence of his branch. His job wasn't very interactive in the first place, inputting what he was told into spreadsheets or other, but simply pressing buttons is a gross simplification of it. The oddity of the situation hits him, and the narration begins. Truthfully, the Narrator's words align with his thoughts, so while he is uneasy, he does as told because he'd do the same. The Freedom Ending is full of revelations and emotions as he reflects on his life, corners of the office he hadn't seen. Stanley steps outside, the daylight grows brighter, and he resets. Following this is Stanley's spiral through emotions. He doubts the voice in his mind being his own, looks everywhere for clues about his situation, inputs into the pink screens and tests out the story slowly. From barely diverting to a room or two in anxious desperation, to completely opposing the Narrator in anger and spite, Stanley branches into every ending plus some. While it's true that his life had fallen into monotony, the Narrator mocks and berates him not only through dialogue, but through the contents of the world. The building became nothing but a maze of halls, his capabilities as a human limited to button-pressing, his ability to speak lost completely. It was as if The Stanley Parable was made solely to mock his existence. The Narrator and Stanley battle for control of the situation. Stanley reclaims his pride and autonomy through defiance and causing the Narrator suffering while the Narrator retaliates. However, the Narrator always seems to default to wanting a good ending for them both and fulfilling his goal of greatness and artistry. Stanley soon grows to realize this as their time loops progress, and with time, conflicted feelings for the Narrator give in to gratitude and solace in their isolation. (I remembered I had this RP with myself midway through writing, so this might be the best place to put it. Stanley's going through the wringer with his emotions, and at a point, you can get too exhausted to feel what once enveloped you so intensely. Between his anger and his gratitude, there was definitely points of exhaustion. Additionally, even as he "gave in" to the game, he was still exploring every inch, wondering about the true nature of their existence.)

Stanley never would have regained his ability to feel if not for the Narrator. If anything, he should be grateful that his lonely life was brought to someone's obsessive focus. He wouldn't have overcome his anxiety to adhere to instructions, wouldn't have dared explore outside what he was expressly given permission to. Wouldn't have felt so intensely with fear and wonder and anger and self-actualization. He had them to thank. And only them. For years. They only had each other. They couldn't help it that it naturally evolved into something more. Stanley's fear of the situation evolved to desperation once he realized the pattern. Desperation for an exit to insanity for what his life had suddenly become. Insanity to anger, focused onto the source of it all and the mockery of his life. Anger to understanding as the Narrator's intentions became clear to him. Understanding to gratitude. Gratitude to adoration. Adoration to obsession. So on. And the Narrator notices these changes. The Stanley Parable in their eyes isn't a mockery, but an artistic piece and aid dedicated to Stanley. For some reason, even unknown to them, they're very attached to Stanley from the start. While upset to see their piece ripped to shreds by Stanley's choices, in the end, Stanley grows bolder, more expressive, and the Narrator loves to see it. All of this development is slow and takes place within the decade before the next game installment. The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe is introduced to Stanley in the midst of their odd relationship. Not quite a thing, not quite hidden from each other. They've grown into this routine of cycles, and by now, their endings and interactions with each other far outnumber those in the game. When the new content is added, Stanley doesn't know how to feel. The Narrator had been developing it behind the scenes with unknown outside help for a while. Stanley had long given up on interacting with any other sentient beings ever again, so the new content is overwhelming and scary in that sense. The new stimulation is welcome, but new characters? Even hints of an outside presence, seeing the meeting room covered in notes and speculation over collectibles from unseen employees freaks him out. The need for connection leads him to attaching to these inanimate objects, much like his bond with The Adventure Line. The way humans find comfort in one another through touch and interaction is the same way Stanley feels over the Bucket. Stanley eventually comes to realize that the unknown and overexaggerated connection he felt to it was true. The Bucket is a person. In fact, the Adventure Line is a person too. The Wife mannequin is a person. The Settings is a person. That Cardboard Baby was probably a person too. Who knows. Stanley pieces this together from outside reviews of the game, the story of Employee 432, and the Curator. The company he worked for is the same developer of The Stanley Parable and it ran experiments on its workers and environments in plain sight. The Stanley Parable is an interactive recording of the pocket dimension created by these experiments with Stanley's own experiences being put onto store shelves.

There's a whole subplot with the Settings gradually forming a bond with Stanley as well, and it comes to a head when Stanley attempts to escape with the Narrator. Stanley and the Narrator have a heart to heart about everything. The Narrator feigned ignorance to the Escape Pod Ending, but now knowing everything, Stanley wants to escape more than ever. Without him, this fake world can't exist, and all these people will be freed with them. The Narrator gives in with some time, final reviews of their work together, but for some reason, Stanley remains. The Settings wants to make their time endless, but the world rots without the Narrator there, and the Settings eventually has to let go. Stanley wakes up again in his office. He fears that the game isn't over, but stepping foot outside his door, he hears the rustling of objects, the voices of people, and he stumbles through the office, now back to its original form, with all his coworkers within it. It's awkward knowing they've seen so much of him, and over a decade in isolation has destroyed his ability to interact, so Stanley avoids them all in a mad search for the Narrator. When they finally lock eyes, Stanley doesn't know what to feel, but he feels his voice come out for the first time in forever, and he cries. Everyone sets off to reclaim the lives they've lost, wishing Stanley and the Narrator well as the two awkwardly return the gesture. The Narrator, for once, is at a loss for words, and they part ways before exchanging contact information. Stanley stays with his parent for some time, lost and haunted with his experiences, and the Narrator reclaims what he can of his old life, spending many days waiting by the ruins of their company building for anyone who might return. It doesn't take long for Stanley to come back. Living in the real world again is overwhelming, and he took it a day at a time with the help of his family. Coming back to find the Narrator, Stanley shares everything. While it isn't their fault, he can't just forgive them for everything. His feelings are torn all sorts of ways, and they settle with staying friends, there to help each other acclimate to life again with everyone else, but mostly each other. They make it official after some time. Even though it isn't the best decision. They can't let go of everything or each other, so it's a very codependent type of relationship despite how it looks on the outside.

There's a lot of details I left out obviously. There's a whole Curator and Mariella plot, even more details about Stanley and the Setting's dynamic, all of the secrets in the game that Stanley experiences and their corresponding emotional developments, more character exploration for the Narrator and more of how the world worked (The Narrator was actually an invisible floating mass btw), I COMPLETELY FORGOT THEIR IRL RELATIONSHIP BEFORE THE GAME JESUS. But yeah, that's the gist of it. I'll definitely make more content of it soon.

Phew

MS Paint Concepts

[ignis-scientia-estrogen-brigade]

Today marks the 6th anniversary of Final Fantasy XV’s release, and though I started writing a brief tribute to the game over on Twitter, I quickly realized I had much more to say about today’s milestone than Twitter’s character limit would allow for.

So I came back to where it all started for me, here on Tumblr. That I could scarcely remember my password goes to show how regrettably I’ve neglected this account, despite the fact that XV still means a great deal to me. I wish I could say it was because I was more active on Twitter, but even over there I have struggled to post regular updates and engage with the XV community (which I am happy to report still has quite the active fanbase and has even seen some growth by my observations).

In truth, much of my identity has been defined by FFXV these past six years—for better or worse. It’s not an exaggeration to say XV changed the trajectory of my life; it landed in my lap immediately following the worst professional failure of my life, comforted me through the loss of a parent, and brought me in touch with people from around the globe, many of whom have become dear friends to me. My abilities as both a writer and an artist saw the kind of growth I never thought possible for myself. I got to play XV with Adam Croasdell in my own home, got to raise thousands of dollars for charity with the help of the XV cast and dozens of other artists, and I was able to support myself financially for the first time in my entire adult life through the sales of my art. In short, I owe everything from the last six years to Final Fantasy XV.

So as one might imagine, it caused somewhat of an identity crisis in me when the one thing that had brought me such joy began to no longer fuel my passion the way it had in years past. Call it burnout, call it depression, call it a sensitivity to the current events of the world, I don’t know—all I know is, something caused me to lose all motivation to work on anything. Where once I had felt like I had an ocean of inspiration I could tap into at any time, it suddenly felt like a dry well. Even today, my tablet sits mostly unused, waiting for the day that that spark returns.

It certainly is not because I have lost my love for XV. This game, which objectively is deeply flawed yet is somehow greater than the sum of its parts, still resides comfortably in my mind. I play a great deal of Final Fantasy XIV these days, which I enjoy very much and is arguably a better game in many ways, and yet it has not come close to capturing my muse the way XV did. I still have pipe dreams of streaming the entirety of XV on Twitch, not in one 24-hour session like I did for Extra Life Game Day in 2020, but slowly over the course of many weeks, exploring the game thoroughly and experiencing the journey with old and new viewers alike. And someday, I vow to roll back to an earlier patch so that I can unlock those unlockable Comrades trophies on PS4 and finally Platinum the game.

So anyway. That’s a lot of rambling haha. TL;DR: I still love XV, even if I can’t express that love through content the way I used to. I still hope to produce a few pieces here and there, and if I do, you know where to find me. (And if you don’t, you can find me here, here, and here.) Happy Anniversary, XV. As always, you guys... are the best. ♡

[khaleesiofalicante]

hi dani, here for a little rant, guidance and motivation and advice.

so I think something's wrong with me. i just.. it's difficult to describe it so I'm going to borrow words from a post I came across: "Can we agree that the worst feeling is when you're sitting around, consciously procrastinating, acutely aware that each passing second is more time wasted? You watch hours go by, still unable to stop procrastinating, while your panicked brain feels trapped inside a body that refuses to be productive. Inside, you're screaming, but outwardly, you're just eating chips."

im not studying, my academic life is being ruined by my own hands and I'm not stopping it. i don't know what has happened to me, i wasn't like this even until last year, I wasn't a topper student who used to study consistently hours everyday but during exam time I was serious and used to study sincerely. nowadays I've stopped studying even when the exam is the next fucking day. like I'm sitting here, zoning out of maybe scrolling through my phone unable to just stop myself and study. when I sit down to study i usually am able to focus only for a few minutes and then get distracted again and the fact that I'm doing it consciously like i know I have an exam tomorrow I know I have to study or else I'll fail I KNOW all this but I'm just unable to like do it. this applies to a few other things in my life as well. im taking the example of something which regularly happens to me: i know I have to brush my hair, take care of it. I had really thick hair but now because of neglect I'm suffering from really bad hair fall. i know this yet I'm not doing anything about. internally in my mind i scream at myself to stop all this and just do the things I'm supposed to but i simply don't. it's like I've lost ability to card about stuff or something. before my exams it's like I dont give a fuck about it. when we get the results I'm really really upset because I'm better than this, I AM I SWEAR but then that motivation to do better is again short lived. it dies. suddenly in the middle of the day I'll get the urge and motivation that yes I'll work hard, study hard and return to my previous condition of perfect grades. then it dies again.

im ruining my life i feel. i do my exta curricular and EVERYTHING APART FROM ACADEMICS with diligence then why when it comes to the thing that matters the most do i fail? and it's not even like I don't want to study or i don't want to study the particular stream I've chosen. and i know education is so important and i want to accomplish something in life and yet...

I dont know what to do. mindless scrolling, procrastination and everything that comes with it has become my life now. i want to go back to the previous me when I was sincere towards academics.

and the worst part of all? I'm such a fucking disappointment to my parents. imagine having a daughter who went from getting straight As to struggling to pass? and the fact that I'm truly capable of doing well and amazing but I'm just wasting it. and I dont know what I should do to break the cycle and actually stick to it. because it is a truly strong possibility that I'll do it for a day or 2 but stop from the 3rd. i know it. i just do. at this point I'm just wondering what would happen if I just you know...died? like idk what difference would it make.

please I need help. i don't have anyone i could have said this to. my parents won't understand. i don't want to be like this. i just don't 😞

sorry for bothering you with this

Hey, thank you for sharing all of this with me. It's hard to look at yourself, realize something's off, and not know how to fix it. But here's the good thing - there is always something good, I promise - you still want to get back out there. The fact that you're aware and want to do something about this is a great start.

Some thoughts, in case it helps:

You mentioned scrolling a lot and procrastinating, and if both are connected - like you're procrastinating by being on your phone - that's definitely something to address. I'm not saying to get rid of your phone completely but try physically removing it from where you study. I used to give my phone to someone else (my mom, for example) and ask them not to give it back until I was done studying for a couple of hours. It helped because I couldn't reach for it out of habit. Having the phone out of sight, and knowing I'd have to walk a distance to get it back, made it easier to focus.

Treat it like a reward system: study for two hours, then give yourself 15 minutes on social media. That way, you're balancing focus with breaks and not diving headfirst into a distraction.

2. Don’t aim to get back to your A+ self immediately. If you're a C- student now, focus on getting to a C+ or a B. Break it down into smaller, achievable steps. Aiming for the top all at once can feel overwhelming, and when something feels too big, it’s hard to get motivated for it. So take smaller, manageable steps. Each improvement will build momentum.

3. You said it’s not that you don’t like the subject, which is great, but maybe the way you're studying has gotten stale. Try changing things up. You could study with a friend, watch tutorials, or try private tutoring. Even just moving to a different location to study or using a new method (like flashcards or teaching the material to someone else) might help remind you that you are good at this. Sometimes, doing the same thing repeatedly makes it harder to stay engaged, so switch up your approach.

Finally, you mentioned more than just studying - like the hair care thing - and if this lack of motivation is spilling into other areas of your life (hygiene, chores, etc.), it might help to talk to someone. Whether it’s a trusted person or a professional, reaching out is a really smart move. It doesn’t mean anything is “wrong” with you, but sometimes getting help from an outside perspective can make a big difference.

I'm really glad you've recognized that something isn't quite right, and that you're taking steps to fix it. It's a process, but you're already on the way. Just take it day by day, one small step at a time. And remember, the goal isn't just to go back to where you were; it’s to find a version of yourself that makes you happy. Whatever that looks like, I believe you can get there.

Sending motivation and love!

[foolsocracy]

Personally, I'm on the "Sam Prime has only one life" train because it makes far more sense why he's looking for ways to extend it mechanically if he only has the one than if he has three. A single life is a lot more volatile; one mistake could end it in a flash. Three gives you a little more leeway, so you can learn and live again. For someone to be so intricately entwined with death and escape from it, it feels symbolic to only have one life. (Plus Philza and Techno each only have one, and their relationships with death are Also incredibly entwined with that fact, so it just makes sense to me.)

REAL!! anon you're so real. let me speak on this

Only having one life is definitely much more of a motivator for Sam's clone shenanigans. And i also think it would be important to note that, from what I remember, most of Sam's raving about new bodies is about avoiding injury & outside forces that could kill you. I think he does mention bodies breaking down with age too, but I think it comes across as secondary when he talks about it. At least from what I can remember.

Only having one life also works well with the fact that he knew Phil from when Phil was much much younger (100s? 1000s? of years!). I'm pretty sure both Phil and Techno emphasize that them having one life has to do with where they are from, rather than who they are. Considering that Phil met Sam prior to Techno, and Phil and Techno being from the same place, its pretty likely that Sam is from there as well.

Another thing I'd like to mention is Sam Prime's reaction to waking up after being in a clone body for so long. It was a shocked, "I died." The way he says it isn't a way I'd expect someone who grew up aware that you can die and come back to life twice. And you may be thinking, maybe he's crazy delusional cause he's Sam and he's convinced himself that he can't die in a clone. And this is true. BUT! Boomer also has a very telling reaction. Its very much along the lines of you couldn't have died, you're right here! Now THIS is a sentence out of the mouth of someone who only has one shot at life.

now onto how Sam has died and behaved like a 3-heart character. Sam on the DSMP has no memory of being Sam Prime, and so he believes he's the same as any other person from the region, aka someone who has 3 lives. It could be fun to think that he might have incredibly repressed memories of his lives (or lack their of) when making sense of a comment he made back in the Trapped in Prison streams: he goes through Limbo to get back to his body in between deaths.

"but ryin! he was being metaphorical!" maybe! but what if he wasn't! makes you think. Perhaps if Sam's consciousness is in a clone body when that clone dies, he travels through some type of limbo where he can locate and return to his own original body, another clone, or even re-inhabit the same body that just died. DSMP Sam isn't even aware he has clones or an original body to get back to, so he just reanimates the old one.

Another comment on this Limbo --- Sam Bucket. It is widely agreed upon that Sam Bucket is another one of Sam's clones, and I believe the same. But there are a few things BBH has said about him that really stump me: 1) you can't touch him, 2) he can teleport, to an extent (as seen in the Sam Bucket finale). It's very... ghostly, no? Maybe the case with Sam Bucket was that when he died and was possessed by the Egg, he also lost that knowledge of how to successfully transfer back to another body. Or maybe it was because his conciseness wasn't only his anymore, that it couldn't fit back into his bodies right. So Sam Bucket could be an apparition of the consciousness that was in the Sam Bucket clone, and continues to haunt the Egg. The teleportation could be explained that way, as he doesn't need to adhere to the laws of physics; or maybe since he is so closely bonded with the Egg while being incorporeal, he's gained the Egg's ability to teleport.

Now for why he is suddenly back in his body after DSMP Sam's 2nd death. This one can go a lot of ways. Here're some ideas:

Going off of Sam Prime's shock of having died in a clone, perhaps Sam's Dream & Ponk deaths would be the first one's he'd ever experience. I also want to relate this to the 3-lives system as well, so maybe after 2 'deaths,' the more powerful 1-life Sam Prime had is reduced to an equivalent to a single 3-lives life. If that makes sense. With only one 'life' left, it is instinctively sent back to the original body to sustain it with what is left.

If we want to add the previously discussed Sam Bucket theory into this, here we go. It still makes sense that Sam Prime would not be aware that that body died, as his consciousness never returned to the original body to be added to the mix. Here, it would also help to think of the 1-life as split not into the one death, two deaths, sent back to body, like the previous scenario, but instead the clones can go through 3 'lives' before being forced back to Sam Prime.

Maybe the energy taken from the 1-life Sam Prime has isn't so easily split up into the 3-life system. It could be where energy is just drained over time, and the Ponk death was the straw that broke the camel's back. Its convenient, but possible. Also, it was the only death Sam had after he saw Sam Bucket. Maybe being exposed to his own consciousness triggered something in his head where it defaulted him back to Sam Prime? Who knows

Anyway, that was a lot of words to say Yeah, I like the 1-life Sam theory.

[jewwyfeesh]

The Detective's Banquet 5

Writer: Mitsuki

Character(s): Shino Hajime, Mashiro Tomoya, Hidaka Hokuto, Harukawa Sora, Tomoe Hiyori, Kazehaya Tatsumi, HiMERU

Translated by: jewwyfeesh

Hokuto: It’s a detective’s job to pursue the truth. I promise you, I definitely will.

Location: Dead End Cafe

Hokuto: (After escaping, I nearly got lost in the hotel… finally found a familiar room after running around for who knows how long…)

(After receiving the character introduction, I’d thought that the Android’s design was steeped in the shadow of my father, and felt some subtle hostility… But having enhanced physical abilities isn’t so bad.)

(If it were the normal me, I’d be panting away after running around… And yet, I’m barely breaking a sweat right now. I even escaped the storage room virtually unscathed earlier on.)

(Tomoya probably didn’t think I’d escape from that kind of place. This blind spot surfaces from his habitual way of thinking – I’ll need to point this out to him later on.)

(After calming down some and thinking about it, it does seem rather quiet here… It really makes your blood run cold…)

(Surely not…)

Location: Luxurious Hotel Room

Hokuto: Tomoya…!

Tomoya: …?!

Hokuto: Why did the ‘Armchair Detective’ collapse here? Were the both of you attacked just now?

Tomoya: Ah… Er… Um… about that…

Hokuto: Oh, something fell from your pocket. No. Wait. This is… a tranquilizer?

The ‘Armchair Detective’ does seem to have been sedated… Did you…?!

Tomoya: …………

…………

I… Don’t want to lie to Hokuto-senpai.

You guessed correctly. I am the murderer that everyone’s been working hard to identify… Arrest me, then.

Hokuto: Why would you do this? It’s not like you have an ulterior motive.

Tomoya: …No, I do have a motive. But now that things have come to this, I still hope that it’ll be able to stay a secret forever.

Hokuto: It’s a detective’s job to pursue the truth. Even ‘Bionic Detectives’ have the right to know the truth. As a detective yourself, you should be well aware of this.

Of course, I’ll keep it a secret on your behalf. You can trust me – after all, Androids are unable to lie.

Tomoya: …Android, huh? That’s right, that’s the answer to all of our problems. Hokuto-senpai… No, Android 3A1217, do you remember why you were developed?

Hokuto: I am an android that was created with the purpose of obtaining human emotions through learning. But the me who was unable to to comprehend them suddenly gained exceptional deductive abilities. From then on, I became the ‘Bionic Detective’.

Though, it seems like the company that made me has been experiencing some technological bottlenecks recently, as they have yet to update my software for quite a while…

Tomoya: That’s because the project has already been called off! And, in three days, you’ll be recalled and destroyed!

Hokuto: I see. Is it because my mission has come to an end?

Tomoya: NO, it’s not that…! The meaning of Hokuto-senpai’s existence, why should those people be the ones defining it?!

I’ve already decided. No matter what, I’ll ensure that Hokuto-senpai lives on.

That day, there was a mysterious man in black who approached me, and we struck a deal — I’ll help him assassinate Sakuma-san, and in exchange, he’ll help me save Hokuto-senpai…

The second I agreed, I already knew a day like this would come. Though… What I didn’t expect was that… In the end, the one who pointed the gun at me would be you, Hokuto-senpai.

What a cruel twist of fate… I had wanted to keep this from you since the very beginning…

Hokuto: …………

Tomoya: Hokuto-senpai, you… You’re crying…?

Hokuto: I… I’m crying? This bitter feeling… Is this a human emotion, one that I’ve always been unable to understand?

Why… As… As an Android, my mission is to protect the people… So… Why? Why would you go to such an extent for me?

…There is only one truth, and I understand everything clearly now. The culprit is you, and the motive is me.

Tomoya: All of these are choices that I myself made, so please don’t cry because of me. I did commit an irreversible crime.

Maybe back then, I had more than just this path in front of me… But it’s too late to say it now… Thank you for all the time that you’ve spent with me. The only thing I won’t ever regret… is saving you.

If you want to do anything for me, then please conduct a thorough investigation of the truth behind our backs. About Sakuma-san, about that mysterious man in black…

Hokuto: It’s a detective’s job to pursue the truth. I promise you, I definitely will.

Location: Seishou Hall Common Room

Hajime: Waaaah~ Tomoya-kun was super handsome in that last part! I couldn’t look away~

Thinking about how after the game’s formal release, I can even watch Tomoya-kun’s spectacular acting in the SSVRS… It really feels like I’m dreaming ♪

Tomoya: T-that’s too much… If you continue on like this, I’ll go find a hole to hide in…!

Hajime: Sorry, I got a little carried away… Still, were those lines thought of on the spot? Truly phenomenal~ ♪

Tomoya: To be honest, Theatre Club conducts a lot of improvised performances as part of training. Upon finding out that I’ll be performing alongside Hokuto-senpai this time, I did lots of homework beforehand.

Not to mention… even though at that time I’d thought Hibiki-senpai was running his mouth without much rhyme nor reason, the tasks that he assigned us allowed me to reevaluate how I’d approach acting this character and look at it from another perspective. So part of my success could be attributed to him.

Hokuto: I, too, underwent some special training for this role; I’m glad our efforts didn’t go to waste, seeing that the final result turned out pretty good.

After this, I’ll need to continue working hard — I won’t let my junior one-up me when the time to perform comes.

Tomoya: Hokuto-senpai is so cool…!

Tatsumi: Oh, right. HiMERU-san, how did you uncover the truth in the end? Even though we encountered some problems during the initial phase of deduction, I did find it rather entertaining. Thus, I’m particularly curious about the reasoning process in the last phase.

HiMERU: (……Why can’t this person ever read the room?)

As for HiMERU’s thought process, let’s discuss it after the game has been released. At that point in time, everyone will be able to showcase their unique talents whilst on a level playing ground.

Hiyori: Hehe, when that time comes, I’ll be the most spectacular one for sure ☆

Sora: HiHi~ Sora will play with you all then! It’ll be very fun for sure… ♪

← Chapter 4

[bridgertonbabe]

wait why penelope did that to sophie?! is lady danbury behind it?

omg i’m loving this so much!!! it’s amazing

and poor lucy, i’m sure she feels betrayed by everyone and stop talking to them for a bit also because she sees them as her family since her real family is her uncle and he isn’t really the best person

To answer Penelope's motives we first have to take a look back at what had led up to that moment in time.

Unlike Sophie, Penelope could live a fairly normal life outside of the academy during her downtime from fighting crime. She went to university, went for nights out, and socialised. During her studies she met Eloise and they quickly became friends (with neither knowing anything about the other's double life or secret abilities). Through Eloise she met Colin and for Penelope it was love at first sight. She loved being around him - his wit, his charm, his romantic outlook on life, and his compassion making her fall for him more and more - and missed him dearly whenever he and Eloise weren’t around (the siblings had the tendency to suddenly up and leave or disappear for days at a time, but always passed it off with various excuses pertaining to their large family). Penelope pinned her hopes on him one day being able to reciprocate her deep-seated affections - until the day she overheard him being teased by his brothers, who had noticed how obviously their sister's friend was crushing out on him. "No way in hell would I ever date Penelope." Colin had snorted - and it was these incredulous words that haunted her as she suffered through her devastating heartbreak. From then on she avoided him like the plague and eventually it became too much for her to even be around Eloise because of her association.

She left both Bridgertons high and dry without any explanation, and she tried her best to bury her feelings on the whole situation. There were moments where she even darkly considered using her mind control on Colin to make him love her back - but she always shook off the idea, knowing it would never be real no matter how hard she tried to fool herself and manipulate him into fulfilling her wildest fantasies.

Still, she could at least take comfort in the fact that she wasn't on her own; none of her Umbrella Academy members (who had become her adoptive brothers and sisters) had ever been successful when it came to love and romance. And for the longest time she genuinely believed that none of them ever would - until Sophie ran into her on her way out one evening, all dressed up and blurting out how she was on her way to meet her soulmate.

Penelope honestly thought she had lost the plot, considering the poor girl had holed herself away within the academy all these years; but then Sophie began telling her all about the man from her dreams. Penelope listened in shock and awe as Sophie explained it all and even showed her the screenshots Phillip had sent of her asleep and settled in her natural appearance. As pleased as she was for Sophie, Penelope expressed her doubts, especially as the man from Sophie's dreams had said he was also superhuman. She asked Sophie how she was so sure she wasn't being emotionally manipulated but Sophie asserted what she believed in her heart; that she and Ben were soulmates and once she went to the party at Aubrey Hall her life would finally begin as it was fated to.

It was at the mention of Ben and Aubrey Hall that Penelope's heart plummeted and she realised that Sophie's supposed soulmate was none other than Colin and Eloise's older brother. She barely listened as Sophie continued to wax lyrical about Ben, as Penelope's mind lurched into overdrive. According to Sophie, Ben had the ability to infiltrate and manipulate dreams and had used his superpower to work for a government agency - and suddenly the reason behind Colin and Eloise's frequent absences with little to no explanation dawned on her. If they all worked for the government and if Ben had superpowers - what were the odds that his siblings also possessed inhuman talents? She also began to wonder if her friendship with Eloise was authentic at all; what if Eloise knew her secret identity as Umbrella Number Four and was trying to get close to her? What if Colin had been brought in to meet her to charm and emotionally manipulate her? Was that why Colin and his brothers viewed her crush on him to be so damn hilarious? Because she had fallen for their trap hook, line, and sinker? And what if since she had stopped giving them the time of day they had turned their attentions to Sophie and had duped her as part of their strategically-planned ruse? 

Sophie then bade her farewell with an excited grin and headed towards the door on her way to meet Ben in the flesh - which gave Penelope only mere seconds to intervene.

"I heard a rumour... that you never went to the party at Aubrey Hall and went to bed instead... that you never remembered Ben or any of your dreams... that you've always had a dreamless sleep... that your mind was closed off from anyone else but me infiltrating and manipulating you."

Sophie came to a stop just before the front door and turned on her heel, her face glazed over, her eyes entranced and she instead walked back past Penelope and up the stairs as she had been instructed to do. Penelope's heart was pounding against her chest from the guilt of what she had just done, for robbing Sophie of her potential happiness - but she reasoned that what she had done was for the greater good. She was saving Sophie from being used and in doing so protecting the Umbrella Academy from Benedict and the rest of his family's manipulation. (And if there was a small part of her motivation that had been fuelled by jealousy for Sophie appearing to have an actual chance of love that Penelope never had... well, she chose to ignore it.)

To ensure her prevention had no hiccups, Penelope deleted the screenshots from Sophie’s phone of her in her natural form (and if Phillip were to bring the subject up, Penelope was sure she could dismiss him and claim the air on Mars was affecting his memory or thought process). For a couple of days everything was fine - until the morning she exited the academy and found Benedict waiting outside on the pavement.

They were both as equally shocked to see one another and Benedict asked her what she was doing at the Umbrella Academy before her identity suddenly clicked to him (when he had infiltrated Umbrella Number Four’s dream the night before in order to locate the academy’s location, he had been perturbed by Eloise and Colin’s appearances within the superhuman’s sleeping conscience). He first began accusing her of getting close to his siblings in order to uncover their secret work lives and the like, but Penelope quickly turned it back on him by pointing out he was doing the same thing to Sophie. At the mention of Sophie Benedict’s focus changed direction and he began demanding to see her, spilling the exact same things Sophie had said to her the other night; that they were in love, they were soulmates, and that they were going to start a new life together. It was at this point that Penelope realised that there was genuinely no subterfuge on Benedict’s part; she could see just how earnestly he loved Sophie and how much she meant to him. She could have stepped aside, led him to Sophie and lifted the mind control off of her so they could be together; but now Benedict knew she was a member of the academy, they were compromised. 

“I heard a rumour... that you turned around and went back home... that you have no idea of the Umbrella Academy’s location or that I’m a member... that you’ll never think to look for it again or infiltrate my dreams...”

And with the same dazed look on his face that everyone she had ever used her power over possessed, he turned and walked away. Penelope could have manipulated him further and wiped his mind of Sophie completely, so he’d never suffer the not-knowing of what happened to her... but at that moment Penelope had indulged in spitefulness. For having laughed along with his brothers at her crush on Colin and for adding to her hurt when she had never done anything to any of them, Benedict could get a taste of the heartache she still suffered with. Cruelly she chose to turn a blind eye to the fact that she was keeping him and Sophie from attaining the love and life they both so dearly longed for - well if she couldn’t be happy or be with the person she loved, why should they get to be?

From time to time she would feel a lapse in her decision - whenever she saw just how miserable and unfulfilled Sophie was she considered trying to make things right - but she stuck to her guns and chose to believe she had acted for the greater good. It was better to keep Sophie and Benedict apart than endanger the privacy of the Umbrella Academy; at least, that’s what she kept telling herself to sleep better at night.  

[mettasing]

(before –"that la servetta? you're getting lost in your fantasies again..." / "what a bastard. chéri, i'm amazed by your grit and strength".

after – "who are these people? what do they want?.." / "hands are shaking. can't work. i don't understand. i don't understand".)

only thing i could do. i won't exaggerate – between all the exams i think i lost my ability to draw. it's already hard for me to sit still – which can result in a full day of working on some cell-shaded half-sketch. now idk how to build figures... it's so frustrating.

also can't work properly on my fanfic, even though i only need two or three scenes to finish the first arc. but i'm thinking about it everyday. these unfriendly lads are from here – ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ and giselle. they're people from madeleine's time in vector (which will be visited mostly in flashbacks later).

madeleine tried her best to survive there, but she was unlucky. she got booted from uni because of a conflict with staff, took many odd-jobs but couldn't hold them for long, developed alcoholism living mostly in slums. besides, she could see the looming threat of empire's future endeavours, so she joined the underground rebellion. madeleine met many people there, including giselle, a beloved cabaret dancer who lived a double-life – partly for things she believed in, partly for fun. giselle's laid-back, easygoing character was a contrast to madeleine's hyperaware, "tortured artist" type. they didn't clash, but they complimented each other, and they both shared love for art – which vector didn't appreciate much. giselle had feelings for madeleine, but the latter couldn't properly answer to them. still, they remained close friends until the incident. giselle got caught in and badly beaten by soldiers following another protest (it's not some fucking metaphor or allegory or anything, they basically were young and dumb and didn't know better), which transformed her from bright beloved starlet to paranoid broken shell of herself, as she sustained a serious brain injury. she was deathly afraid of men, including comrades from the rebellion, but also somehow her former friend. madeleine blames herself for what happened, and giselle's casy, among other things, had greatly motivated her to run away and try to meet her end. it's unknown how giselle is doing, but she is probably still alive and living in vector.

⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ (squares don't correlate to letters) is madeleine's estranged brother. they got separated in the orphanage in which they got placed following their unfortunate home situation, as madeleine ran away. being complicit with her decision in childhood, he still holds grudges. faced with eviction, having nowhere else to go, madeleine suddenly found out that he was in vector as a design engineering student. she lived with him up until she left vector, and more often than not they have been arguing as a result of their completely different values and personalities. their relationship were complicated but they could've figure it out if they listened to each other. for madeleine, he was an example of self-centered boot-licking "modern human", "a man of progress" who she couldn't stand; for him, she was an egotistical half-lumpene who refused to get her life together and slowed down everyone around her, even though he tried to find her a place, one time recommending her for in-demand and well-paying position. they both had emotion disregulation problems that also contrasted. madeleine went missing quietly and suddenly after their big scandal, and on the next day when he came from uni he couldn't find her. somewhere she hid a brief note – perhaps, a sole reminder of her existence. but one is better than none: as for him, nobody knows where he went, as he vanished on his third year. maybe, he met his fate on dimly lit alley – or at the hands of authorities he had admired.

giselle and ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ had probably never met personally, hearing about each other briefly from madeleine's words. but i think that even if they had a meeting, their opinions about each other would stay the same. giselle knows the tech uni types as she previously had been enrolled there but was forced to start a new life because of family circumstances; which didn't win her many favours from them. so her thoughts about him (including madeleine's complaints) weren't positive, as she thought he was self-centered, unempathetic and arrogant. ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ has mixed impression – while he understands her struggles, he can't comprehend how someone in her circumstances (left her degree, physical and mental health-taxing job, having a family) could so easily put themselves into danger of defying the higher authority. besides, he thinks madeleine is just romanticising and fetishizing giselle being "destitute" (in his eyes). in person, their characters would clash. she doesn't like being controlled too much – she's having enough at work; and she has a short temper for those who try. giselle is empathetic – not to madeleine's degree, but enough for pointing at something "unjust" and trying to make things better. he's an authoritarian pseudo-rational enlightenment age type, thinking that everything "broken" (not suitable for his vision) can and should be fixed – in other cases it's just not needed here. they would probably insult each other at every moment they can.

giselle didn't know about madeleine's departure. she wasn't completely there yet – besides, people who visited her (and who were her friends in an old life) brought her great discomfort. still, she catched some news about their missing acquaintance, a former friend they parted ways with, and she could say she knew something, she felt something but it always escaped her grasp. ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ is largely disconnected from others' and his own feelings and sensations, but soon he found that he couldn't work and study. he tried to search for madeleine after he found the note, but it was too late, so he tried to move on. still, this unnamed anxiety without source didn't go away. he couldn't even comprehend himself feeling guilty, and no one could explain it properly.

[bleached-socks]

My thoughts on both openings:

chAngE:

Immediate Orihime, chewing on her hair

I do like the flying Ichigo scenes, they show that he is On His Way

The way they say “chAngE” is so iconic and memorable I love it

The quick mask flash motif again but this time there’s a variety of full mask, no mask, partial mask, which is good to show his varying levels of control

The explosion of both the music (figuratively) and the visuals (literally) kick the opening into full gear

The rotating of the Yamamoto, Shinji, and Aizen show the three sides of the fight, all with varying levels of animosity toward each other.

And with Gin, part of the war but with his motives unknown and mysterious

Brief focus on Kaname and Shuhei, valid, that’s a pretty emotional plot point with a good payoff

Flash of Ichigo vs Ulquiorra (because that’s been going on this whole time)

Top arrancar showcase! Starrk and Lilinette, Barrigan, and…

Why is Harribel posed like that?

The Ichigo/Ulquiorra half-face shots imply that there’s some parallel there, but I’m not sure what it is

The hand reaching for Orihime is very symbolic of Ulquiorra’s emotional journey (and I guess the hogyoku can be there too lol)

Panning shot of everyone they left behind in Hueco Mundo (You haven’t been forgotten)

WHY IS MAYURI THERE

Good Visored shot, that is THE shot I think of when I think of the Visored

Briefly showing some canon fights: Toshiro vs Harribel, Jushiro vs Starrk, Shunsui vs… an explosion I guess

All of whom caN FLY NOW

Starrk, Mashiro, Rose, Lisa, and Komamaura shots

I never noticed this before but there’s silhouettes of full-hollow Ichigo just fucking stabbing Uryu, how did I never notice this???

Then a brief shot of Uryu, unstabbed, looking at the sky

Soi Fon, Lisa, Mashiro, Wonderwiess, Kensei, Omaeda, Barrigan, Love, Yammy (with Byakuya and Kenpachi fighting each other for some reason), Kenpachi again, and Hyori all get brief moments

It’s busy, fast, and looks like a war zone (because it is)

Orihime yelling dramatically (but it looks good)

The imagery of her reaching out for Ulquiorra’s disappearing hand, but played backwards so it’s reappearing just out of reach? Chief’s kiss

Her sad face with a slightly more stylized look than usual does a good job of portraying her emotions

Badass fight between Ulquiorra and Ichigo

The vibrant green of the spears really stands out

The fact that then entire scene is basically black and white aside from the green spears of Ulquiorra and Ichigo’s orange hair makes for a very cool color scheme

THE FLASH OF FULL-HOLLOW ICHIGO, OMINOUS AS EVER

Blue:

Immediately opening with a busy fight with all of the characters showcasing their abilities.

It’s mostly the reoccurring characters, but they’re all fitting each other, giving it a sense of “uh oh”

I do really like that none of the fights shown are fights that actually occur in the series, so you get the concept of the arc, without actually spoiling the fights

Because a big point of the arc is 1) the mystery of whether or not someone is really them and 2) suddenly having to fight against your allies

And because the opening doesn’t spoil any fights, you get to go through that journey with the characters

I really like the title screens with Ichigo, Rukia, Uryu, and Chad, I just think they’re cute

But why isn’t Orihime there? It’s all the humans plus Rukia minus Orihime. Just replace Rukia with Orihime and let it be a humans only segment, Rukia will have plenty of time to be featured later

The various snapshots showcasing the characters (in case we’d forgotten about them)

I actually do like the stripes of scenes sliding on top of each other though, the scenes are very basic but the stylization of all the elements on the screen make it look really cool

Now instead of stripes, it’s inkblots, then slime, and then a marker. The theme is a little lost, but it still looks good (if a little mismatched)

Nozomi running several times (because that’s a lot of what she does in the arc)

The opening does spoil Kageroza being the bad guy, I would have liked him to appear as just one of the wierdos in Squad 12 before he is revealed to be the one orchestrating it all. They kinda try to make it a mystery, but it doesn’t really work, it’s obvious who it is

Despite having a major role in the season, Kon’s only appearance in this opening is him hanging onto her while she runs

The way Nozomi doesn’t even flinch when Ichigo attacks over her to protect her implies a significant amount of trust that I’m not really sure is there. It’s a cool shot though

More soul reaper fighting in the seireitei

Kenpachi holy shit

Kenpachi did you just punch the giant spike ball and s h a t t e r it?!

He’s probably still completely fine from Komamura’s bankai

Yamamoto actually raising his sword and it’s against a bunch of rocks

Yamamoto vs Mayuri’s bankai is actually kinda hype tho

My god Renji that’s a lot of property damage

I mean to be fair, that goes for all of them

The Ichigo’s there! For like a second!

The shattered glass with all the captains is such a cool visual, especially with minor animation in all of them

Final vote: chAngE

It’s just so iconic, and slightly less busy, also with more focus on the characters I care about

Opening Rumble Round 1

[zeravmeta]

The parallels with Goetia are there sure but really Wodime has far more in common with the Lion King than most people realize, in fact I would argue Wodime is meant to parallel far more with the Lion King but it’s just that the presentation of a paralleled final boss is more in line with Goetia.  It is pretty easy to see the intentional parallels with Wodime and Goetia, both striving for their ideal versions of humanity, but the fundamental difference here is that Goetia literally did not know what he was doing. Goetia couldn’t understand the point of human effort when humans lead such limited lives and saw the inaction of Solomon as cruelty, so his plan to remake humanity started and ended with putting humans out of their misery and was fundamentally flawed from the start. Goetia only saw the error of his ways when he was suddenly incarnated and felt his own mortality, asking Guda to witness him in his final moments as he fights out of sheer human pettiness because in having final moments, he finally understood why it is that humans strive so hard despite being mortal beings within their final moments.

Wodime is different: Wodime does value humanity, and all of his goals center around a feeling of guilt at the idea of his own naivete at the fact that he thought for most of his life that simply being destined for greatness made him great, when it was in fact the small, self sacrificial act of a nameless nobody that ensured he was alive even today. Wodime KNOWS the value of humanity in being saved by someone who he once had never even considered despite the fact that he passed over them every day, and in turn enacts his plan to make New, Better Humanity because he wants to jump ahead of all the steps of human progress and establish an eternal utopia immediately. He understands that what makes humans struggle with their progress are all mortal limitations, things like hunger, disease, and age, and in removing them, he can make an eternal version of humanity that now have essentially infinite time to tackle their differing ideals and reach a consensus that will lead to true peace. The issue with his goals however is that he’s taking the choice entirely out of humanity’s hands (plus his plan relies on sacrificing PHH for it but not the point), and in trying to make humans eternal by force it essentially takes away their ability to grow and change, which was the central focus of Olympus and why Macarios and Adele rebelled against the gods. When you really stop and think about it, Wodimes plan to make a perfect version of humanity that will never change from that perfection is exactly the same as the Lion Kings goals of preserving a perfect version of humanity chosen by the lance.

The Lion Kings motivations and views are those of a god that wants to protect and preserve humans but they are fundamentally rooted in Artorias desire to be an ideal king. Artoria was meant to die with her ideals, but because Bedivere couldn’t handle the idea of that cruelty, Artoria never died, yet in having lost Excalibur she instead took up Rhongomyniad, a lance that slowly transformed her into a god and warped her wish. The ideals she held were still those of wanting to help and save people, but because she had well and truly lost her human perspective they had been warped into those of how a god would tackle her ideals, ie. Taking what is deemed ‘the perfect humanity’ by her own criteria and then preserving them for eternity. And thats the main crux of this: both of them were crushed under the weight of their ideals in striving for the best version of humanity, and were doomed to fail not only because they took the choice out of humanitys hands, but because they relied entirely on a sacrifice of their own humanity. Wodime couldn’t trust PHH with his ideals and planned his own obselesence, even taking pride in it despite the cruelty, and Artoria sacrificed her own humanity and suppressed as much of her individuality as possible for the sake of others because she believed it was the right choice.

But Wodime here says it himself 

[millenialfanfictionaddiction]

🐈 Being Nekoma's Manager pt. 2 🐈

Nekoma x Female Manager pt. 2

Back with Nekoma's Meow-nager (get it 🤣 Ok bye ✌🏻)

Warnings: none

A/N: this was a request from @chocolateranchfanapricot 😭😭 I'm so glad so many people loved my Nekoma Manager headcannons! I have Seijoh, Shiratorizawa, Fukuradani and Inarizaki ready! If you'd like more teams, feel free to reach out!

Guess who's back 👀 back again 💃🕺

Miss Managers back and boy are you in for it

You thought these boys were crazy before nationals?

Get ready for the grind YN

After Nekoma's win against Nohebi, Coach Nekomata ramped up training

Meaning the boys ramped up on annoying you 🙄

Reviewing your notes with Kuroo, you realized Lev needed help on his blocks

Of course, you both were WELL aware of Lev's poor receiving and blocking abilities before you reviewed your notes

Alas you could no longer avoid the inevitable

Hence the action plan "Teach Lev to be at least mediocre at both" commenced

Queue you tossing ball after ball to the spikers while Lev tries to block as well as receive

I put an emphasis on TRIES

Yaku yells at him for moving around too much

Kuroo yells at him for holding his arms apart

Kenma just rolls his eyes

He doesn't even want to be here 🤚🏻

Queue Miss Manager to the rescue 🤸‍♀️

You walk up to Lev

Poor bby is sad 😔

Silence fills the air

You give him a big ole YN hug 🫂

"I Believe in you"

You gracefully glide away

Kuroo 👉🏻 smirking

Yaku and Yamamoto 👉🏻 jealous bbys

Kenma 👉🏻 playing on his phone in the corner

The rest of the boys 👉🏻 sad 😔

YN now you need to give them all hugs!

Big round of hugs from YN 🥰

The boys demand all demand your attention

You try to split up your time but let's be honest you only have two hands

Yaku and Kuroo both ask you for help on receiving

Queue alot of bickering between the two third years

Kai offers to help one of them

They still fight over who gets to work with you 🙄

Kai is no YN 🤚🏻

Speaking of Kai, the mans is a literal blessing

He's the only sane one of the team STILL

Inouka and Shibayama are nervous about going to nationals

Being only first years, they feel their skills aren't up to par with the rest of the team

Extra headpats all around 🙌🏻

Yamamoto is preparing for nationals in his own way

By working out the logistics of keeping you safe

Nationals means alot of teams which in turn means alot of boys

Boys that would dare LOOK at their precious YN 😤

Kenma is as hard to motivate as ever

Kuroo has come to rely heavily on your abilities to motivate Kenma

You will literally push him to practice if need be

Pick up the mans and haul him YN

Aka your ability to steal his switch and hold it hostage until the end of practice 👀

As the day for nationals arrive, you pile into the bus with all the boys

Sitting next to Kai of course 🥰

Yamamoto is sulking in the back 😒

Entering the dome, you immediately notice how many people are there

Very very tall people 😶

A forest could never 💅

Kuroo and Kai always walk up front, followed by Yaku and the rest of the team

You and Kenma pick up the tail end

Mainly because you don't want anyone to wander off 🙄

Seeing the boys talk with Karasuno, you seize the opportunity to use the restroom

While you were using the restroom, the team moved to another area

I swear YN you have to pee at the worst times

Anyways, you wander out and sigh to yourself noticing no red and white jerseys in sight

"Not again" you moan as you take your phone out to call Kenma

Literally you think they would have a rope for you to hold onto at this point

Suddenly a loud "HEY HEY HEY" radiates from next to you

A horned owl 🦉looks at you as you smile sweetly and giggle at his boisterous attitude

Behind the loud owl is Akaashi

Obviously babysitting said previous owl

Akaashi notices lack of your bodyguards team

"YN are you lost??"

Now anyone with 2 eyes knew that a certain loud, obnoxious but sweet owl had a little crush on you 👀

Within a second, Bokuto us running 🏃‍♂️ to your side and grabbing your hand, pulling you along

Now back with your team

Kai, of course, notices instantly you are missing

Not again 🤦‍♀️

Yamamoto took off 🏃‍♂️

Kuroo following behind him, scanning the area

Kenma shugging and rolling is eyes

Yaku smacking Lev because he was sure this was somehow his fault 🙄

The whole time your team is frantically searching for you, you are being yanked by a giant black and grey owl bby

Akaashi is, of course, close behind you

Because he doesn't entirely trust Bokuto to not lose the both of you 🤦‍♀️

Hard facts, you probably aren't any less lost with Bokuto

Kuroo is the first one to spot you

His eyes snap to Bokuto's grip on your hand

"BOKUTO" he shouted

Yamamoto snaps and takes 2 long strides to Bokuto

Mans literally teleported to you 🤚🏻

Now it's Kuroo times to snatch you from Bokuto

"Kuroo" you snap at him as Bokuto looks like he saw his life flash before his eyes

Yamamoto is growling

Kenma and Kai finally pull up

You are rolling your eyes for what feels like the 100th time

"Not this again"

You snake your way from behind the two trees again 🙃

"Bo thank you sweetheart but I'm ok now"

Kuroo is FUMING

Yamamoto eyes burning holes in Bokuto's head

Bokuto 👉🏻 in love

Akaashi 👉🏻 happy to know emo mode won't be a problem at least for the first match 😏

You walk away with Kai and Kenma as you leave the two idiots felines to watch as Bokuto and Akaashi exit

You walk into the huge gym

Yaku is still laying into Lev

Inouka, Shibayama, Fukunaga all wave happily as you

Yaku is now running to you

"I think we need to get you a backpack harness"

You laugh out loud

Everyone 👉🏻 swooning 😍

As the first match begins, you give your bby kittens a little pep talk ending in...

"I belive in you"

Jesus YN

Coach Nekomata is pleased

The match was won even before it began

The boys 👉🏻 dominate 😤

You are the first one to run to them

The still fight over who gets to hug you first 🙄

You make them all line up like preschoolers

Give them each a hug and kiss on the cheek

Ok YN chill 🤚🏻

You want Nationals to be over before it even begins?

After the match, you head back with the boys to the hotel

You make sure they all eat a good meal

Even if it means spoon feeding Kenma

Kuroo watches you are you tend to his team mates

His smile radiates

"We have the beat manager ever"

Taglist: @axoxtxhxh

[handsoffmyscarfsherlock]

Can you write a fluff Kamado Tanjiro oneshot where the reader is female Slayer in Kamaboko squad and Inosuke messes up the reader name using a version of Kamado as for both her and Tanjiro’s last name so they set him straight that they’re not siblings to which Inosuke is like “well duh, you’re mated” because he took their obvious pinning/blushing/time spent alone together as them being a couple and therefore effectively spilling that they like each other? Thank you!

Ah!! Anon, this request made me smile so flipping hard while writing so thank you!! I hope you enjoy :)

It's Always Been You

Tanjiro Kamado x Female!Slayer Reader

Summary: Reader and Tanjiro have the biggest crushes on each other, what will happen when a certain someone brings it up in an untimely manner?

Warnings: Just tooth-rotting fluff :)

You had found it troublesome at times being a girl with the demon slayer corps. Men not treating you with respect, people doubting your abilities, not being able to trust others. 

It was when you were sent by your crow to a small town to help with a demon causing a ruckus that you were at your wit's end. No one would listen to you. 

“Sir, if I could ask you a question-“ You were cut off by the elderly gentleman, “Sweetheart, why don’t you leave it to the men to handle this. I’m sure you don’t even know how to wield that blade on your hip.” 

Your lower lip trembled slightly, holding back your tears. You will not cry. 

“I can assure you, Sir, that I know what I’m doing. I’m trying to help you and the people of this town. Have you seen or heard anything recently-“ The man turned his back to you, walking away. You huffed in return. You can handle this. 

Suddenly, you sensed something behind you. Whipping around, you grabbed the hand that was reaching out to touch you. It was warm in your strong grasp and you could feel the person’s heartbeat through your fingertips. 

He was beautiful. Dark red eyes that you could swim in for days. Mystery man cleared his throat, “ Sir. Don’t turn your back on her, she’s helping you. Listen to her and show some respect.” 

The old man stopped in his tracks and slowly turned his head back to you. His eyebrows cocked in questioning towards this sudden appearance of this man. “I was with her during final selection. You wouldn’t believe how many demons she slayed and I don’t think I ever saw her break a sweat. If there is anyone you can trust, it’s Y/n. She’s strong.” 

Throughout this whole speech, his eyes shimmered with what looked like admiration and passion. You were shocked that someone like him would stand up for you, someone who was that strong and powerful. You remembered him too, he was incredibly gifted with his weapon and was one of the few people who made it through final selection. 

You looked at the old man again, his expression changed. It was soft and you saw tears welling up. “I lost my granddaughter, she was your age. The demon took her in the middle of the night, I never even noticed she was gone.” 

That was the start of your and Tanjiro’s friendship. He had introduced himself shortly after talking to the old man. Just like that, you clicked. Defeating demon after demon, you traveled side by side. Learning about his childhood, his sister Nezuko, and his desire to return her to her normal state throughout your journey. You admired his drive and motivation, it empowered everyone around him. He was caring and kind, different from all the other men you met along the way. He respected you and your abilities, never once doubting you. You trained together, helping each other and giving tips on how to improve.

The way he smiled when talking to you, gave your heart a little flutter. He would complement you so genuinely, the way it flowed out of his mouth made it sound easy, almost effortless. You never realized the full extent of his complements until moments after he said them, your face always flushing an embarrassing shade of pink. 

Tanjiro admired you and everything about you, really. You listened to him and never once looked at him like he was trying to do the impossible. You were incredibly passionate and when watching everything you accomplished with him, it made him proud that you traveled together. He was lucky to spend this much time with you, he thought to himself. Not only were you strong, but unbelievably beautiful. There wasn’t a single thing about you that he didn’t admire.

He would buy you little gifts in every village you went to together, this never changing even when the two of you began to travel with Inosuke and Zenitsu. A hair ribbon, or a yummy snack for the two of you, it was always something. You on the other hand, would write him a poem or craft him a story. Sometimes, folding little origami stars for him. 

The four of you made your way into the new place you were assigned to. Inosuke pulling you guys into the central part of the town, antsy as usual. 

“C’mon slowpokes, last one there is a total loser!” He bolted off to the lodging facility, leaving you and Tanjiro in his dust. Zenitsu was slowly approaching behind you and Tanjiro, finally catching up.

You look at Tanjiro, “Race ‘ya!” Taking off, you stick your tongue out at him. You felt the vibrations of the ground as he chases after you. 

“Guys! No, don’t go without me!” The faint sound of Zenitsu’s wines barely reaching your ears. You were booking it to where you saw Inosuke enter into. You had just made it inside until, suddenly, hands were around your waist as you are being lifted over someone’s shoulder. Your stomach, digging into the shoulder, was awkwardly positioned. The only thing in your line of sight was a green and black checkered kimono. Tanjiro’s baritone laugh twinkled in your ears.

“Tanjiro! Put me down!” You beat your hands against his back as he laughed at your struggling form, wiggling around. 

“Ok, ok!” He set you down on your feet. You stumble as you regain the feeling of the floor under your shoes. You fall into Tanjiro’s chest as you try to stop yourself from coming into contact with the ground. 

“Oh, Y/n! Are you alright?” As you pull yourself off of his chest, he takes your face into his hands. His hands were warm against your already blushed cheeks. He takes one hand and brushes your hair back so it doesn’t hang in front of your face, eyes filled with concern.

Your face was burning, “I’m fine, Tanjiro, I’m sorry!” You yank yourself away, embarrassed for your clumsiness. You weren’t even noticing the commotion in front of you as Inosuke was trying to check you into the lodging facility. 

“Like I said, my name is Inosuke, I’m the only name you need to know.” The poor lady at the front was trying to gather all of your names to check your party in. She expressed how she needed everyone’s names in order to give you the rooms. 

“Alright then, if you have to know. I’m Inosuke Hashibira, and this is Tanjiro and Y/n Kamado, and the other guy with us his name is-“ He didn’t even finish his statement before you and Tanjiro both cut him off.

“Inosuke what are you-“

“We’re not siblings-“ 

Inosuke looked at the two of you. Both of you had faces flushed pink from embarrassment. Even through his mask you could see him making a face, “Uh, I know that you’re not siblings, I’m not stupid.”

Tanjiro meets your gaze as you both then look back at Inosuke. 

Clearing his throat, Tanjiro stutters, “Inosuke, then why did you say Y/n’s last name is Kamado?” 

“Well, it’s cause you’re mated, duh.” Inosuke states matter-of-factly. Tanjiro stutters out a sentence that didn’t actually make it into a proper language. Your mouth was agape. He continues to tell things to the lady at the front as the two of you are awestruck. 

“Guys, you ok?” Zenitsu had finally made it inside. 

You cleared your throat and met his gaze, “Uh yeah, get situated with Inosuke. Tanjiro, can I have a word with you please?” 

Making your way out of the facility, Tanjiro stares at the ground, afraid to make eye contact with you. 

Kicking a rock with your foot, you try to think of words to say. 

“I-“

“We-“ 

The two of you try to talk at the same time. Nervous laughter fills the air. Bridging the gap between you, Tanjiro takes a step forward. He takes your hand in his, rubbing circles on the top of it. 

“I really wished it didn’t come out this way but,” he rubs his free hand against the back of his head, “I really do care about you, Y/n.” His eyes, hesitantly meet yours, testing the waters. He moves even closer to where your bodies touch.  

“Tanjiro, I-“ You try to start a sentence.

“I didn’t really think anything of what he said at first because I’ve spent so many hours picturing what your name would sound like with mine.” The dark red orbs burn into yours, shining with emotion and urgency. 

“I never thought that this would happen. I thought you wouldn’t like a girl like me.” You confess to him, squeezing his hand in return. His free hand finds your face, cradling it with so much gentleness. 

“Why would you say that? Y/n, you’re absolutely perfect. I’d be honored for someone like you to even look at me.” He chokes out the words, the tears welling up in his eyes. “I love you Y/n, so much.” 

“Tanjiro,” you begin to blubber out, “I love you too.” You tackle him in a hug, your arms reaching around his neck and lacing your fingers through his hair. “I couldn’t imagine my life without you, it's always been you.” 

He pulls you tight into him, almost taking the air out of your lungs. You could feel relief slip from his shoulders. After a minute, the two of you release from each other's grasp. Slowly, you begin to lean in closer, your foreheads almost touching. Just as you were about to bridge that gap, the door slams open. 

“Enough talking, let’s go to our rooms already!” Inosuke yells at the two of you, startling and jarring. He doesn’t wait as the door slams again as he goes inside. 

You guys laugh at what just happened and Tanjiro pulls you into another hug. You breathe his comforting smell as he whispers to you, “I’ll make it special, I promise. You deserve a proper kiss… with no interruptions.” 

As you pull away, you chuckle. Tanjiro grabs your hand and leads you inside. You felt safe with his hand in yours. For the first time in a long while, you felt loved, and boy did it feel wonderful. 

[donnerpartyofone]

I probably shouldn't broadcast how very easily intruded-upon I am, which I am doing quite a lot of this morning, but I really AM very easily intruded-upon. Sometimes I think about how lame paranoia is, how it can be boiled down to a form of egotistical fantasy--like oh REALLY, you REALLY think everyone's behavior is motivated by something about YOU personally? It's like when you walk into a room with a cat in it, and you're just doing some mindless chore and not looking at the cat or approaching the cat but the cat reacts as if you are actively chasing after it with lust in your eyes and everything you are doing must be secretly aimed at the acquisition of the cat. Like fuck you cat, I'm just filling my water glass, I wasn't thinking about you AT ALL! I used to know this person who was unfortunately both a coworker and a really destructive personal friend, and he was constantly fantasizing out loud about how he was somehow BOTH the most ignored and passed-over person at the company AND the center of a vast conspiracy against him involving the obsessive attention of everyone including the executives. We're neither coworkers nor friends anymore due to the personality traits indicated by that summary of affairs.

But uh anyway I realize it doesn't speak well of my social history but I am often worried about hearing from someone who I definitely do not wish to speak with or even think about. Recently the like #2 person on this list suddenly died and while that was a disturbing experience that brought up a lot of ambivalent feelings, I have to say that a big part of me was pretty relieved. That guy was vaguely in the category of exes you don't want to hear from, of which I have a few. Then there's family-related people I don't want to hear from; we are an extremely small family including a crazy uncle people avoid, and my dead mom who people worshiped and who kind of hated me and so you can imagine that I REALLY don't appreciate it when I occasionally hear from someone who obviously thinks that if they can befriend me then they'll have my mom back. So like if your primary point of reference for me is my family, and I don't have your number already, then you probably shouldn't have my number either. And then there's home town people I don't want to hear from; for once in my life this has less to do with my neurotic boundary issues than with this kind of atmosphere where I'm from that's like, if you leave home especially for "the big city" it's because you're too big for your britches and you definitely mean it as a personal insult against everyone who still lives there. I had a couple unpleasant and confusing interactions with people who hadn't even attempted to have a real conversation with me in years, and who were not at all curious about what might have happened to me in all that time (which did not in any way involve "living the dream" as I was accused of doing), but who definitely felt like I owed them something, and admittedly I have an antisocial sort of disposition but that was really weird to me.

Sometimes my fears about being contacted are a little more obscure and even stupid, like...one of my only remaining friends from high school is someone I really like a lot, but who has a ton of brothers and a bunch of sons, and they all have somewhat androgynous not-common-to-America names, and the last time I saw him I dragged us into this extremely confusing conversation because I had lost the ability to tell the difference between some of the brothers and sons and I was very, very embarrassed. It was kind of funny, but also during the course of our last conversation I learned that one of the brothers married a little sister of this person I used to be friends with, who fucked up my life so badly that I can never talk about it and while I don't think they would dare to bother me in any way I still have these delusional waking nightmares that I'm going to suddenly run into them somewhere and I'll just spontaneously vomit or faint, or both, or they'll try to do something to me again. A different sister from the latter, scary family tried to make my dad put us in touch over Facebook a while ago and I immediately deactivated my account, that was such a creepy and unwelcome way to try to be in touch especially in the internet age when it's not that hard to find someone directly (as I have sadly discovered), like I cannot imagine what those people would want from me. And now I know I have to be careful with my dear old friend's family because he's in-laws with people who are potentially dangerous to me, and maybe I should just work on getting even more comfortable with forgetting people's names and how I even know them to begin with. The end.

EPILOGUE: I asked the person who texted me who they were and they said "Marbyn". Which is cracking me up. I had to look this up to see how real it could be. I know where you live, Marbyn, and I'm going to fucking get you!

Someone whose number I don't have in my phone is texting me at 8:30am and asking personal questions in a familiar tone, great, that's just how I want to start my day.

[ihatecoconut]

Morbius & disabilities

SPOILERS 

I watched Morbius in the cinema yesterday and while I feel it was lacking in some places (post to come later) one thing I did truly enjoy was its portrayal of living with a disability. While I don’t suffer from the same illness that Milo and Michael did, I do live my life in pain the majority of the time and I understand where both characters’ motivations come from.

Milo – he says in the film that they have lived their entire lives under the shadow of death and that it is time for everyone else to experience that. My condition isn’t going to kill me, but I understand the desire to make everyone else feel what you feel; every nurse that has ever looked at me like I’m a hypochondriac, every person who has ever looked at my limp with a certain expression, and that one particular kid in the supermarket who laughed at me when I kept dropping things because my fingers weren’t working properly. These are the people who, when I’m feeling particularly low, I wish that I could make experience what I feel all the time, I wish that I could give them just some of my pain and make them understand. I get where he is coming from, before people start to claim that he’s demonising people with disabilities.

On top of that, the suddenly gained ability to do things that you could only ever have dreamed of spoke to me – my condition started when I was about 12 and it took a lot of things away from me that I enjoyed including dancing, trampolining, and even now when I’m trying to re-join groups, regain some of what I have lost it is painful to constantly be reminded that I have limits other people do not. If I was suddenly given something that could remove my pain, not only remove those limits but extend my abilities? I would take it. It’s painful having to watch other people do things you desperately want to do and if I got that chance, I do think that the overwhelming relief of being free would take away from any consequences and I do think that being able to exercise control over people who could have controlled me previously would be a heady experience. *

Michael – that said, the horror of hurting people, of being out of control is completely understandable. If the cure came at the cost of other people’s lives, would I continue as I was or undo the one thing that I’ve wanted for years? I understand why they couldn’t have Michael return to his state at the start of the film because they want him for sequels etc, but I do think that if his character arc was completed it would involve going back to how he was before and continuing to search for a more reasonable cure. And yet, watching him fight desperately to avoid returning to his previous state is incredibly relatable and I think could probably be compared to a drug addiction if anyone wanted to do anything with that metaphor.

In the two of them, I see the two sides of a potential reaction – the fight between ‘I suffered, now it is their turn to suffer’ and ‘I can’t let people suffer like I did.’ It is incredibly human, and I very much enjoyed how that was the main conflict of the film.

*NB – I do not condone murder under any circumstances, this is just a reflection on how I understand.