#because i didn't have time to do adequate research

[frecht]

things are going well it is currently four forty-seven a.m. (i woke up at three in a fit of worry over my anthropology project, spent a half hour on my phone trying to make myself feel better about it, spent almost an hour trying to fall back asleep while feeling vaguely ill, then decided i wouldn't be successful and got out my computer to do more work on the project)

[thicctails]

I need more info on the get better children au, especially about when Bill shows up.

*rubs hands together* I finally got some extra time to draw up some new art for this AU, so let's give it some substance >:3 Long post below the read more with extra art :D

Before Euclydia was destroyed, Euclid and Scalene Cipher were some of its most powerful members. Bill saying that everyone loved him as a baby was true for a time; children aren't born very often, and the Ciphers are considered to almost be royalty. It wasn't until Bill's mutation became apparent that people began to shun him. If he had been born to any other family, he likely would have been abandoned.

Though neither Euclid nor Scalene could really comprehend the concept of something being "up", let alone what "stars" could possibly be, both of them used their status to try and find any scrap of forbidden information, hoping that they could find an answer, could find some confirmation that their son wasn't crazy, and didn't need to be blinded by his "medicine."

It was this research that eventually saved their lives. Having the knowledge that it was possible for things to, hypothetically, exist in a three dimensional plane allowed them to pool their powers and create 3D forms for themselves when Euclydia began to burn, pulling themselves off the 2D plane like a sticker being peeled off a page. It wasn't a smooth transition in the slightest, and the flames managed to damage parts of their bodies before they managed to fully free themselves. The rest of their power went into escaping their collapsing reality, and when all was said and done, they were left near catatonic and floating in the space between time and space for many, many years.

They don't really start to recover until a certain frilly guy upstairs nudges them into a new, stable dimension. This one is almost entirely 3D, and inhabited by creatures that look completely alien to the Euclydians. Creatures called humans.

They meet Dipper and Mabel not long after, and the two triangles attach themselves to the babies, doing their best to care for them in their weakened states when their young, unprepared parents fail to be adequate caretakers. Being 2D is far easier for them, so they stick to the walls like shadows and find ways to speak to the twins, slipping into videos and pictures, music and books, their forms changing slightly to match whatever media they slipped into. They teach Dipper and Mabel their colours, shapes, ABC's, ect, comfort them when they get sad or scared, and once they're old enough, how to do basic things like getting themselves food and water when they get left alone too long.

Neither Pines parent really notices their children making grabby hands and babbling at open air at first, though they do become a bit concerned when years pass and they still stare at walls and empty corners like there's something there.

Eventually, as we all know, the Pines twins get shipped off to a sleepy town in Oregon, and Euclid and Scalene are, of course, coming along to watch over their little stars. However, they become deeply uncomfortable when they start to see visages of their son carved into every room of the twin's temporary home.

It doesn't take long for the show's antics to start, but Grunkle Stan gets involved in the twins adventures far earlier because during The Inconveniecing, Euclid uses his ability to manipulate televisions to play one of those old PSA's on loop until he gets spooked enough to actually check on the twins, only to find them missing.

Eventually, through the help of Scalene using a radio to drag up an old advert for the Dusk 2 Dawn, he figures out where they are and arrives just in time to see the tail end of their ghostly encounter. Unable to deny his knowledge of Gravity Falls' weirdness, he and the twins have their Season 1 finale talk that night, and Dipper shows Stan Journal 3, which leads to all three of them searching for Journal 2 (Stan doesn't reveal the portal yet)

Bill gets summoned by Gideon like in Canon, but things veer wildly off course when, upon entering Stan's mind, Mabel asks him if he knows Euclid or Scalene. He freezes up upon hearing the names of his parents, and he immediately calls off the deal with Gideon, ripping himself out of Stan's Dreamscape. Before he can process what happened, he comes face to face with someone he's only seen in daymares for the past trillion years

Bill dips the fuck out once he realizes he's not hallucinating, disappearing to Axolotl knows where to do fun, productive things such as: scream, cry, break shit, sob on the floor, drink until the teeth in his eye ache, stare at the space between stars for days on end, and interrogate every single one of his henchmaniacs to see if they spiked his drink.

Mans has absolutely zero clue on how to navigate this situation, eventually settling on stalking the Pines because he genuinely cannot think of any possible way to approach his (apparently alive????) parents. How do you go about atoning for the extinction of your entire species?

Bill Cipher has never been one to do things for others for any other reason than to get something back, but he figures the best place to start is by protecting these fleshy human young that his parents seem so attached to.

Wait, would that make them siblings? Axolotl, he sure hopes not.

[infiniteglitterfall]

here, have some Official-Looking Info on Autistic Burnout

“Having All of Your Internal Resources Exhausted Beyond Measure and Being Left with No Clean-Up Crew”: Defining Autistic Burnout

Although autistic adults often discuss experiencing 'autistic burnout,' and attribute serious negative outcomes to it, the concept is almost completely absent from the academic and clinical literature. Lay summary Why was this study done? Autistic burnout is talked about a lot by autistic people but has not been formally addressed by researchers. It is an important issue for the autistic community because it is described as leading to distress; loss of work, school, health, and quality of life; and even suicidal behavior.

This is one of those "WE ALL KNEW THAT" studies, where they have to study and write about Things We Already Know in order to make them part of the Official Body of Knowledge out there, and maybe even get useful research done on them.

I went digging on Google Scholar because I want to be able to send my smol child's summer day camp director something that actually explains why he's only shown up two days in the past two weeks.

I would kind of rather have something in the form of a cute handout, but I didn't think of that before I hit Google Scholar. (Also, the first thing I found in a regular Google search was kind of basic and kind of confusing; it seemed to be referring to shutdown, but was calling it burnout.)

What were the results of the study? The primary characteristics of autistic burnout were chronic exhaustion, loss of skills, and reduced tolerance to stimulus. Participants described burnout as happening because of life stressors that added to the cumulative load they experienced, and barriers to support that created an inability to obtain relief from the load. These pressures caused expectations to outweigh abilities resulting in autistic burnout. From this we created a definition:

Autistic burnout is a syndrome conceptualized as resulting from chronic life stress and a mismatch of expectations and abilities without adequate supports. It is characterized by pervasive, long-term (typically 3+ months) exhaustion, loss of function, and reduced tolerance to stimulus.

Participants described negative impacts on their lives, including health, capacity for independent living, and quality of life, including suicidal behavior. They also discussed a lack of empathy from neurotypical people. People had ideas for recovering from autistic burnout, including acceptance and social support, time off/reduced expectations, and doing things in an autistic way/unmasking.

Oh, wow, this is a good burn:

...mental health treatment/therapy as a means of remediating burnout came up, but in the context of a missing resource, a negative experience, or unrelated to burnout (e.g., for treating a co-occurring mental health condition).

Yeah. That tracks.

[matan4il]

Hi Alice! All my love to you in these dark dark times. You've been instrumental to me learning more about what it's like in Israel on the ground right now, and helping me not get swept up in the vitriolic rhetoric so many of my fellow liberals are espousing. I've been horrified by some of the behavior I've seen from the pro-Palestine crowd. I quietly support both sides of the conflict, and hope to see a return of the hostages, a subsequent ceasefire, and a realistic path to a two-state solution in the near future.

I'm asking this in good faith because I trust your research and input on these things, and I'm curious about your perspective. TW for rape and torture. I've seen a report come out on one of the tumblrs I follow (who is very pro-Palestine and anti-Zionist, unfortunately, I only follow them for fandom content) stating that there's been torturous conditions inside Israeli prisons–Sde Teiman specifically–detaining Palestinians. It includes accusations of rape, beatings, and amputations due to injuries from being cuffed. I was wondering if you had seen this report and had thoughts about whether this is another anti-Israel smear campaign or a cruel reality of bad people doing bad things. I'm always inclined to believe victims, and as an American, I'm painfully aware of the atrocities that can happen in detentions centers, especially during wartime.

Please know I'm not accusing you of anything or trying to make this a gotcha thing! I'm curious about your thoughts as an Israeli who does good research and knows her country and history. Thank you again for all you do, and I'm so sorry to hear about your colleague's murder. May you and your loved ones find as much rest and peace as can be found in a time like this. Take care.

Hi Nonnie,

thank you so much for your kind words (especially regarding Alex), your humaneness and willingness to listen to Jews and Israelis! Absolutely, there is no contradiction in supporting regular people on both sides of this conflict. This is NOT a zero-sum game. Both sides can thrive, if we all choose and are just allowed to coexist.

Okay, the Sde Teiman accusations...

Let me start with the history of this army base, because it is relevant to how it was used.

In 1942, the Nazis landed in northern Africa, and were headed eastwards, toward the Land of Israel. As a part of getting ready for that, The British (who ruled Israel at the time) paved a strip of asphalt in the desert, not too far from the expected direction of the Nazis' invasion, and used it as an airfield. They also built a few hangars next to the runway, and this is what in the 1950's became the military base called Sde Teiman ("Field of Yemen," in honor of the Israeli's air force operation of airlifting the Jews of Yemen, and bringing them to Israel. Along with the operation to bring the Ethiopian and Indian Jews to Israel, these mark the only times when a "first world" country brought people from "third world" countries - with the goal of making them citizens with equal rights). I'm sharing this info, so everyone can get an idea of how small and insufficient this army base is for the purpose of detaining prisoners. And indeed, under normal circumstances, it is NOT used for that purpose.

However, when Hamas launches surprise attacks from Gaza, it has been used for temporary detention (until arrested terrorists can be transferred to more adequate facilities) simply because of its proximity to Israel's border with Gaza.

That's how it was used following the Oct 7 Hamas invasion of Israel, too. Things to note about this: Israel did not initiate the massacre and following war, so it didn't have time to prepare a better temporary detention center with personnel properly trained to be jailors, and also, while Sde Teiman had been used temporarily for terrorist detention before, it was never used for as many arrested terrorists as after Oct 7. Consider that on the day itself alone, around 3,500 terrorists invaded Israel, and that was just the first day of the war.

When it comes to general accusations of awful conditions there, which might lead to terrible consequences, a big part of it is probably down to the fact that this base was not meant for this purpose (and the fact that it was used this way is because of the nature of Hamas' attack rather than any intended maliciousness).

The conditions were all wrong as a result of the chaos of war regarding the sexual assault case, too. The guards were not trained to be jailors, they didn't have the right tools to deal with arrested terrorists, especially these terrorists, who belonged to the Nukhba, a Hamas "elite" unit and the main perpetrator of the massacre (the Nukhba to Hamas are like the Waffen SS to the Nazis, imagine what Israelis feel when they hear "Nukhba"). Think of the atrocities committed by these men: the rapes, the beheadings, the mutilations, the murder of children, the burning down of homes with people inside, the extermination of entire families, the destruction of Israel's southern communities, and the psychological trauma caused to the entire country, when many are already dealing with lots of trauma, including of the inter-generational kind. Now imagine being an ordinary reservist, a regular civilian, not someone who has chosen the army as a way of life, not someone who has seen the horrors off war recently (or maybe ever), someone with a family that could have easily been targeted on Oct 7, someone who isn't trained for how to jail the vilest of criminals, then tasked with guarding in over-crowded and extremely close settings such monsters while being psychologically affected by their terrorism (which is the main goal of terrorism! To terrorize even those not directly harmed!)...

Initially, 10 soldiers, who are all reservists, were arrested. Since then, it turns out only 5 of them will be indicted (indicating that there is no substantial evidence against the other 5) for supposedly sexually assaulting a Nukhba terrorist. Specifically, the Nukhba company commander of Jabalya. He's not any regular terrorist, he's someone who was a commander that partook in the Oct 7 massacre, he oversaw the committed atrocities, he didn't only commit crimes, he gave the orders. At least one of the suspected soldiers testified that this Nukhba commander was going haywire, and had to be physically subdued. According to reporters, a doctor initially checked this Nukhba commander and found no signs of abuse. Only later did the terrorist start bleeding from his behind. According to a submitted report by Prof. Alon Pikarsky, a senior doctor at Hadassah, the civilian hospital this terrorist was later admitted into, the harm to the terrorist's behind is most likely self-inflicted. Based on accounts from reporters, the overall medical and forensic testimonies submitted cannot confirm nor refute the claims of the Nukhba terrorist.

So when it comes to the case itself, I can't say much. The accusations are serious, the question marks are serious, and I don't have the professional tools to figure out where the truth lies. There will be a trial, more qualified people than me will decide.

Obviously, as an Israeli, I hope the accusations are false. Not because I think there is ANY society out there which is perfect, and in which no crimes ever take place, especially where extreme circumstances are involved, but because I think it's natural to hope for the best for one's people.

Where it comes to the people who tried to stop the arrest of the suspected soldiers, I believe they're in the wrong for multiple reasons: for the sake of justice, for the state of the Israeli justice system, and even for the sake of the soldiers, if it turns out they're innocent. At the same time, while I am NOT okay with the arrests being stopped, I can understand the sentiment. In Israel, especially post Oct 7, soldiers are our most immediate heroes. They risk themselves, they save countless lives, (even the ones "only" guarding terrorists know they could be killed doing this, and they're saving people by keeping the terrorists locked up), they're dealt shitty hands sometimes (like having to guard Nukhba terrorists when they're not even trained for it), and they do all this for us, as a collective, men and women, adults and kids, Jews and Arabs. We ALL owe them, every Israeli. So the sentiment is that there is something difficult to process about a situation where the word of a massacre-committing terrorist commander is believed over that of people who are perceived as heroes. It makes a protective side of people come out, even people who at the end accept that the justice system must do its thing.

And when it comes to the justice system, I think it matters SO MUCH that it will do its thing. No army can prevent every single one of its soldiers, as individuals, from committing crimes. But there are armies that, as a system, commit crimes. The justice system that prosecutes individual crimes is a part of the difference.

Still, even if the accusations are true, even while I'm happy they're investigated, I went into the details of the case, because I do believe that even at worst, there are extenuating circumstances. Those don't turn a wrong act into a right one, but they acknowledge that, under extreme circumstances, and without the right tools, many normative people without criminal intent might end up doing the wrong thing. The psychological burden of guarding extremist terrorists who have traumatized an entire society, including their guards, in close quarters and without the right training, it could be one that would make a lot of regular people crack. I'm glad I've never been tested like that. I'd like to believe I wouldn't have done the wrong thing, but who knows. We're all human, we all have our triggers. Especially in the face of complete evil that harmed our loved ones or threatens to. I feel lucky that I was never put in an extreme situation, like those soldiers, I hope they did the right thing, but I find it hard to morally judge them if they didn't, even where I recognize that if they did what they're accused of, they should be legally judged.

IDK if this helped, but I hope it at least reflects the fact that for quite a few Israelis ('coz I can't speak or all of us, but I think this probably represents a fair number of people), it is complicated, and not a clear-cut case of black and white, good vs evil...

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

[certifiedsexed]

hey so i am a Rambler so i'm going to elaborate on why i'm asking but, what would you say is the adequate age to have partnered sex with someone of your age you're in a serious relationship with and trust very much?

i'm going to try to like, tldr it a Lot but basically my girlfriend and i have been dating for nearly 7 months (anniversary tomorrow! let's go), she currently lives to the city next to mine (like, 50 minutes away or so?) and while we've seen each other a good few times and our parents are friends with each other she's recently told me that her and her family is moving to my city, and fortunately actually pretty close to my house too (yay!). we're very good with communication (at least i think so 😭) so we've talked a bit about sexuality-related stuff and we both agree we'd like to try something like that when we both live near each other. both of our families are very sex positive and open about letting us do our thing if it's in private and we do research first but then my doubting comes in because what if we're like... not prepared enough? or not mature enough? though i don't actually know what exactly i think could happen (i think it's generally "what if we're not mature enough to consent" or "what if we get hurt somehow" but mostly it's just a strong Anxiety about, if i may say, fucking it up) i don't want any of us to be like, affected in any way because of that so i'm a little scared LOL. you're the best resource i have for this that isn't my parents (thought that'd be an awkward conversation) so i thought i'd try to ask you about it! :0

also since i just realized i didn't even specify on this at the start (😭), i am 13 and she's 14 with only a few months of difference, tho i'm pretty sure that when she moves here it'll be after my 14th birthday? (we are also both afab, i assume that doesn't really matter but just in case you wanna give any specific advice?)

thank you SO SO much in advance just typing this out has eased my thoughts a little bit

Hi! I'm a fellow rambler, so welcome. ^_^

My simple answer? There is no specific "age" that is "adequate" for you to have sex. There's also no specific age as a child where you "can't" consent to having sex with someone in your age-range.

If you both want to have sex and decide to have sex, that's great! That's an adequate time to have sex!

If you're not prepared enough, let me tell you what happens: you stop and you talk about it.

It sounds like y'all are doing well and there's no reason for your communication to suddenly die the moment sex becomes part of the equation.

If y'all can talk about having sex, then you can try to have sex and talk about it as you try. Not being prepared enough does not have to be a nightmare situation, Anon.

Realizing "oh hey I don't know how to do this" can be fixed simply by saying that to your girl and asking, "Do you know? Should we do some research?"

It's not a failure and its perfectly okay to realize you don't know what you're doing! You haven't done this before! In fact, your girlfriend might not be prepared and not know what she's doing! In that situation, you should be kind and explain if you know or say, "Let's do some research" if not.

If she wouldn't respond in a similar manner or would be mean about it, then that's a sign not to be having sex with her and that y'all need to have a conversation about respect. Still not a failure on your part.

As for maturity…Maturity is such a bullshit line to draw in the sand, Anon.

There's no specific "maturity level" you have to reach to have sex. If you guys try to have sex and suddenly stop communicating, or don't know what you're doing and just get mad at each other, that would be an issue but its literally just a communication issue, there's no actual "maturity" level you need to reach.

If you get hurt somehow, y'all are actually in a great space for that to happen! You have supportive parents, you have a girlfriend who communicates with you! It sounds like y'all will be okay even if you DO get hurt. That's actually great.

Much like fucking up, its possible but it doesn't have to be a nightmare situation or a relationship end. It's okay. People make mistakes, it happens. Sometimes that actually makes it better and/or more memorable.

Just keep communication in mind. If you decide on having sex, talk to your girlfriend about your worries! Let her know you're scared of fucking up. She might be too and that's a good conversation to have!

So is asking her if she has any boundaries or anything specific she does or does not want to try! This is a great chance to improve y'alls communication skills, frankly.

Certain websites [like Scarleteen or even Teen Vogue] have good information if you're trying to do research on sex, just for a starter. Also HUGE congrats on that anniversary. <3

I'm not sure how much this helps but let me know if you have any other questions, Anon. Wishing y'all luck. <333

[ex-foster]

So much of the literature on former foster kids who age out of care are written for audiences that are outsiders looking in: social workers, foster parents, therapists, etc. It is SO rare for any literature to be aimed at US as the primary audience. There's scientific literature written on why former foster kids have attachment issues, the effects of trauma, or statistical outcomes for former foster kids (homelessness, housing insecurity, poverty, unemployment, underemployment, ptsd, addictions, relationship problems, sex trafficking, etc). We are constantly viewed as data points and societal problems rather than an audience that society can interact WITH.

Research papers will note that former foster kids lack basic life skills when they age out compared to their peers (things like how to cook, drive, financial literacy, social skills are common themes in research). This skill gap can be explained by neglect, system failures to provide adequate life skill training, and the fact that inconsistent/changing caregivers may not even be aware of what skill gaps a foster kid has compared to their peers. That's how you get kids aging out of the system without even knowing how to operate a dishwasher or how to read an analog clock. But where is the literature for former foster kids to close this skill gap? We know that former foster kids lack certain skills but then we don't tell them where do go or who to ask to obtain them. You can call 211 right now and ask them about resources for former foster youth and they MIGHT list a program or two that helps with financial aid for school or life skill classes (like cooking or driving) but many of these are restrictive programs that are only available for a limited time. I learned about the 211 services when I was 24 years old! Nobody told me about it. I only found out about it when I moved to a new city and a city employee gave me a 211 pamphlet because I was a newcomer. It didn't occur to anyone I needed that at 18 when I was aging out. And when you ask 211 about resources now, they will ONLY list programs for former foster youth. They will NOT offer advice the way a parental figure would ("you may want to check out the youth employment center" or "talk to your bank about a tax free savings account").

I just wish there were more things aimed at US.

Tired of hearing things like "there's negative stigma against foster youth" but then there's no literature on how to navigate this. How do you approach that conversation with coworkers or friends? Things like that. It's non-existent.

[joys-of-everyday]

The more I think about it, the cultivation world and academia are similar. High drop out rates? Reverence towards the people who 'make it to the end'? Meritocracy but not really? Age old 'talent' vs 'hard work' vs 'privilege'? Possibly just side effects of being learning institutions but yeah. Anyway, headcanons for peak lords as professors.

SQQ (SY) The chill professor everyone loves. Is often absent for months at a time doing field studies but comes back with loads of cool stories. Has a tendency to veer off course and everyone's grades may suffer because of how little time is actually spent on examinable material, but at least you'll enjoy yourself. He says he's only there for the fun and doesn't do much research, but you've spied a number of very big names going to him for advice. If you manage to make him drunk, his personality does a 180 and he complains extensively about everything, including his latest webnovel obsession.

og!SQQ (SJ) The salty professor everyone hates. Obsessed with rankings and citation counts, has a constant rivalry with LQG, and does the absolute minimum when it comes to undergrad teaching because he thinks it's a waste of time. He's convinced there's an agenda against him because he didn't get funding for the third time in a row and takes it out on the students. But damn does he know what he's talking about, and you've heard he's actually a genius, albeit one with complicated background. The few phd students he has are utterly enamored with him.

SQH Everyone forgets that he's not a student, including himself. When he teaches, it feels like he's giving a presentation and waiting for feedback. He answers questions with questions. Nobody knows what research he's doing, including the other members of department. Both Shens and LQG alike think he's a waste of space. But he seems to have some mysterious connections to a very fancy research facility up north.

LQG Absent professor. Literally cannot teach. Reads off last year's notes (written by other people) and calls it a lecture. But he's got many fancy awards under his belt for his research and the rest of the department talk about him with awe in their voice. If you take work to him, he will undoubtedly rip it to shreds, but not in a mean way. Half the students hate him. Half the students make him a meme. A few of them worship him like a god.

YQY The nice one. He teaches amazingly, heads a healthy research team, and has some banging papers under his name. The students know him as the best teacher, but behind the scenes he is literally keeping the department together. Wrangles with management and does a lot of outreach stuff on top of all of this. The students are convinced he literally lives on site because they keep seeing him at weird hours of the day. This is half true.

MQF The Professor. When you say 'professor', MQF is the person who comes to mind. The students think he is actually a robot, because they've never seen him do anything other than his job. His teaching is adequate but without personality, and he is extremely mild mannered. Unbeknownst to them, he is known as the 'mad scientist' of the department - he has a bizarre attitude to safety and often goes utterly crazy with experiments which are only just toeing regulations. A pioneer of his (somewhat niche) field.

QQQ Social justice warrior. The one who actually strikes when there's a strike on, and organises all of the diversity events. The student have mixed views on her. She struggled against a very sexist department back in her day and still gets a lot of hateful feedback, so she's learnt to take zero fucks. Which is cool but also means a lot of valid criticism gets taken as personal attacks. With all the drama, everyone seems to forget that she's actually a really big name in the field, receiving some fancy awards around the same time as LQG. Her phd group is surprisingly chill.

[sciderman]

Reading New Mutants #98 is such a wild experience because Wade still acts as the snarky and kinda sadistic shit talking queen of mercs, but he's also like...super menacing and competent too? Especialy next to today where people fuck him up like a noob, seeing him taking out a group of mutants with gadgets and tricks, body Nathan and having to be taken out by a suprise element was a true shock...and i kinda love it? Like, Wade shows up and he's actually a threat, but a threat that doesn't even take you seriously, he insults you but is also oddly polite to his main target. What is your take on the original version of Wade?

interesting question! really really reaaaally interesting question! new mutants #98 is an issue i've read like, a million times because newer comics always always always recontextualise it - so you find out, wait - domino was vanessa in disguise, so actually, she probably had an insight on how to take down wade better than anyone else - wait, nathan knew wade as someone who saves his life so was probably pulling his punches actually - wait - the guy who sent wade to kill nate was actually nathan's SON?? like there's five million plot twists that come after new mutants #98 that get me rereading it over and over.

i do love that wade's introduced as someone who is equipped and prepared – he definitely was more competent in the earlier comics, he was perpetually a threat, and always had just the contrived weapon in his arsenal needed to take out certain mutants with certain powers.

they kind of gradually started stripping him of all that - i think when he started making the transition from minor villain to empathetic anti-hero, they started stripping him of his teleporter belt, his image inducer, his swiss-army-knife arsenal that made every fight too convenient for him. and now - now he's just a guy with two swords and maximum effort.

i'm not saying it's bad – buuuut... i love the mission impossible movies. i love impossible gadgets. it's so much more fun to see than just, you know, guys hitting and slashing at each other. give me stupid weird gadget that wade has tucked away in some pouch belt of plot convenience specifically to take down this specific guy with weird specific powers. give me a competent wade who did all the research before going into the fight. not a wade wilson who kind of coasts by with dumb luck and gumption.

but - you know, on the topic of wade being hyper-competent in new mutants #98 it's - kind of not something i believe, either. sure, he's a menace to those kids but - remember, he does still get his ass handed to him in a humiliating kind of a way. what a start to his career. and these guys aren't shaken at all. no "oh my god. this guy is someone we should worry about. we should worry about letting him free." no. wade is shipped back to his employer in a box. there's no worry that he might come back angrier. deadpool's kind of a joke.

nathan summers does often maintain a level-head in general - buuut, i just don't think there was any moment in that fight that nathan really thought he was going to lose against wade. there was no "oh no, all hope is lost" moment. wade was just quick with his punches, sure, but i don't think the cards were actually in his favour. nathan wasn't incapacitated, and would have easily taken wade down.

he kind of just didn't want to, i don't think.

i think maybe he wanted to see what wade could do. and i think if nate really thought wade was a threat to the kids, nathan would have protected them more fiercely. there's no reason at all why nathan couldn't have so, so easily just - yeeted wade out of the building. wade really, really wouldn't have stood a chance if nathan really saw him as a threat to him or (especially) to the kids. nate's training up these kids. he probably saw wade as just - adequate practice for them, but no real threat. wade is completely manageable for him.

i think later on wade gets savvy to the fact that nathan usually pulls the punches with him.

nathan could so, so easily just...

if he didn't want to deal with deadpool.

i think vanessa probably knew that too. and i think that's why she stepped in when she did - because she probably thought if wade pushed too far and trod on one of nathan's nerves, it would be the end for wade. so she neutralised him.

i write a bit about it in i love you, wade wilson - my beloved fic about deadpool's early days.

[duhragonball]

End of Evangelion: 25'

Yeah... that's...

"You don't understand!" is pretty much Neon Genesis Evangelion in a nutshell.

Or "You do (not) understand! (true²) Director's Cut" is how the franchise would put it.

Let's just get on with this.

I watched End of Evangelion last night. Well, early A.M. I took a nap and woke up at midnight and it seemed like the right time to watch a thing like this.

I did not enjoy the movie. I'll explain this, of course, but I wanted to get that out of the way up front. There are positives, sure, but I went into this thing hoping for a more satisfying conclusion than what was presented in the TV show, and I didn't get it. Both endings suck. There you go.

Let me back up a bit. So the TV series ran from 1995 to 1996. The final episodes, 25 and 26, were controversial because they were expected to wrap up the whole story, but instead they went in a bizarrely abstract direction. Both of those episodes apparently take place inside Shinji Ikari's mind as he struggles to accept being part of a collective gestalt of every human mind on Earth. This is the result of the "Human Instrumentality Project" a concept mentioned in Episodes 1 -24, but never adequately explained. The final episodes just skip past the part where Human Instrumentality was achieved and shows the result, without bothering to discuss the background or the cause, or the long-term ramifications.

From what I gather, the main reason Episodes 25 and 26 were Like That was because the studio was short on time and money, so a more satisfying conclusion was not practical. But since the series turned out to be so successful, they were able to take another crack at it with End of Evangelion. The film is very clear about its purpose as an "alternative" to Episodes 25 and 26. It's divided into two sections, numbered 25' and 26'.

I'm not sure the viewer is expected to pick one over the other. The original 25&26 take place in Shinji's mind when Human Instrumentality happens. 25' and 26' take place in the outside world, showing the events leading to Human Instrumentality and the aftermath. There may be some continuity issues to iron out, but a fan could easily accept both endings as canon.

That's not my problem here. The problem is not that there are multiple endings, or that the endings are too "abstract", or that the endings aren't "happy". Fundamentally, my gripe is that the endings are confusing. Perhaps it might be said that the endings are pathologically confusing.

I think this is one of those Big, Emotionally Raw Works, where you can't really discuss it without revealing something about yourself in the process. So let's do that. End of Evangelion makes me feel stupid. There's parts of the movie where I'm just completely confused and I have no idea what is happening or why. It feels less like entertainment and more like I'm about to take a test I didn't study for.

Except I did study, because I've literally been taking notes on this thing for the past three weeks. I was looking forward to this, and last night I'm near the end of the movie wondering what the hell I'm going to write here, because I don't understand what the hell happened in the movie.

So I poked around a fan wiki for a bit, trying to get a handle on some of the major concepts, and as I read the articles, I realized that a lot of this information just stone cold never made it into the TV show or the movie. There was one thing I looked up that had to reference a Playstation 2 game that released six years after the movie premiered.

It's not that I'm too stupid to understand Neon Genesis Evangelion. It's that the franchise appears deliberately designed to hide information from the viewer. You're just supposed to roll with it, I guess. Or spend days researching all this side material. Read the manga, read the wiki, read fan commentaries. I hate this. I hate this so much.

So maybe I'm not stupid. Maybe the anime was just badly designed. That would be comforting, except I still feel stupid for investing so much time into trying to understand this thing that seems purposely rigged to defy understanding. It's not just the ending. That's what everyone talks about, but the ending is just a symptom of a bigger problem. The beginning is really slow. Then the middle starts to get weird, and there's a lot of mysteries and subplots and lore that gets set up with the implied promise that "we'll explain later". And the ending(s) drop that ball. The surgery was a success, but the patient died.

I feel stupid because I got a reply to one of my liveblog posts, I think Episode 12, in response to some comment I made about all the characters having the same backstory. Ritsuko has a complicated relationship with her workaholic scientist mother. Misato has a complicated relationship with her workaholic scientist father. Shinji has a complicated relationship with his workaholic scientist father. Is that a theme or did they only have one idea? My point is that eventually it stops being clever and starts being redundant. Later, we learn that Asuka has... a complicated relationship with her workaholic scientist mother.

"What, are you stupid?" asked the reply guy to my wry observation. They deleted it a few minutes after I saw it, so maybe they felt some remorse over the comment. Normally, I let these things slide. I might respond if I get legitimately hot about it. But this one got to me. "Am I stupid?" I asked myself last week. I seem to be complaining a lot about this show, but it's supposed to be a classic. Am I not giving it a chance? Am I missing something here? Am I just not smart enough to appreciate this thing? Am I just not trying hard enough?

If you're reading this, Reply Guy, please know that I didn't take it personally. I'm not upset with you at all, but I am trying to be honest with myself about this. This Neon Genesis Evangelion business has been frustrating me all month long. Now I'm at the end and it all feels very hollow, like I wasted my time.

I think that's my philosophy on life. I try to seek out new things to explore, usually stories, and sometimes they don't work out the way I wanted them to, and that's okay, because it's the journey that counts. Shinji Ikari keeps shutting down throughout his story, asking why he should bother doing anything, because he's too terrified of the possible outcomes of his actions. My thing is that bad stuff happens all the time no matter what, and you just sort of have to recover and move forward, because that's the only way to see what happens next. So I'm not sure if I can relate to Shinji or not.

Anyway, let's talk about Shinji masturbating in a hospital room over Asuka's comatose body.

I had heard about this scene, but I didn't realize how long and pathetic it is. Asuka had a nervous breakdown in Episode 23. This movie has to follow up on that, becuase Episodes 24, 25, and 26 each refused to pick up on her character arc.

Meanwhile, Shinji is wracked with guilt and dread over his battle with the 17th Angel in Episode 24. He had to kill Kaworu, but in spite of Kaworu's betrayal, he was still a friend to Shinji when he needed it the most, and he was such a good sport about getting killed, you know?

So this movie has to get us back to that moment, when Shinji and Asuka are at their lowest ebb, and I guess they decided that Shinji should go see her in the hospital because he's desperate to talk to someone about what's he's been going through. But Asuka's unresponsive, so he starts shaking her like he's trying to wake her up. Instead she just rolls over, which somehow exposes her half-naked body, and Shinji is so overcome with lust that he rubs one out right there and then. Doesn't even get a Kleenex, doesn't find a place to sit, he just whips it out and goes to town right in front of her.

I guess this is supposed to be a joke, but it doesn't land. It's not even a matter of the joke not aging well. Yeah, this is a 27 year old movie, but Shinji admits this is terrible behavior almost immediately. The "joke" didn't age at all. It was stillborn. This is like when you go to a graveyard and you see one of the tiny graves and the dates are from the same year. That's how funny this is.

The most charitable reading I can give this scene is that it represents the hypocrisy of Shinji's whole deal. He constantly insists that he can only do as he's told, because he's afraid of people not liking him if he makes a mistake or thinks for himself. But here he's doing some pretty disgraceful shit, and I sure as fuck didn't tell him to do this. did you? Did anyone? Of course not. He goes limp for most of the rest of the movie, but not here. Nossir. Seems pretty sure of himself in the minute or so it took him to finish his business.

The other aspect of Shinji on display here is that his ideal social interactions are one-sided. He's most comfortable with people when they can't see what he's doing, when they can't touch him back. That's why he wished for isolation in Episode 25. Here, with Asuka unresponsive, he's basically got the same thing.

I suppose the flip side of this is when Asuka kissed Shinji in the TV series. Her hangups are kind of the opposite of his, where she wants to be in charge of everything and everyone constantly showers her with praise for her achievements. She wants to kiss Shinji but she can't be vulnerable enough to admit that, so she orders him to just stand there and be kissed because she wants to "pass the time". And she makes him hold his nose shut because she doesn't want to be breathed on while she does it. I mean, they both have intimacy issues, but at least Shinji had a chance to consent to her weirdness.

In the NERV base, the crew wonder why they're still on alert status, since the last Angel was defeated. There should be no more threats, and it kind of makes sense for NERV to be disbanded. The only business left is the Human Instrumentality Project, and none of these ham-and-eggers know what that is.

But Misato has some information about it, which she mulls over while she's in her car. I guess? Let me explain this in more detail, because the movie never totally gets into the "why" of it all.

Okay, so the SEELE group has access to something called the "Dead Sea Scrolls". According to the NGE wiki, SEELE got it from the two angels that came to Earth, Adam and Lilith, in the distant past. SEELE has used the information contained in the scrolls to establish themselves as the secret rulers of the whole world. And they founded NERV, and its predecessor organizations, to study the Angels and figure out how to preserve the human race.

They talk a lot about Second Impact on this show, but they never explain exactly what caused it. Second Impact was not a meteorite strike or a rampaging angel who self-destructed, or even a lab accident. It was caused deliberately by SEELE, as part of an effort to contain Adam, who lay dormant in Antarctica.

If I understand correctly, this was necessary because at some point, Second Impact would occur anyway, and then Adam's children, the fifteen Angels we saw in the TV series, would come looking for Adam's body and unite with it, triggering a Third Impact that would definitely wipe out humanity. This is all supposedly explained in the Dead Sea Scrolls.

So SEELE's play was to trigger Second Impact deliberately, so that they could confront the Angels on their own terms. This gave NERV time to develop the Evas to fight the Angels, and to shrink Adam down to a more manageable size so he'd be harder to find.

Once the Angels were all defeated, SEELE could then trigger Third Impact. See, the TV series made it seem like the objective was to prevent Third Impact, but that was never possible. Third Impact is inevitable, I guess, so the only way to ensure humanity's survival is to evolve humans into something that can withstand the disaster. Thus, the Human Instrumentality Project, which will combine all human minds into some sort of disembodied superorganism at the moment of Third Impact.

However, throughout the TV series, SEELE has butted heads with the NERV Director, Gendo Ikari, about how this plan is to be implemented. Gendo wants to transform humanity into something new. But SEELE seems to want to retain their human nature and just use the plan as a lifeboat until the disaster has passed. At least, I think that's the disagreement here. Like I said, I had to learn about SEELE's agenda from the description of the PS2 game. It's not exactly a shock that the cabal of worldly oligarchs should want to save themselves and hold onto their wealth and power at the same time.

Gendo, on the other hand, seems mostly fixated on reuniting with his wife, Yui Ikari, who apparently died in 2004 during an experiment with Eva Unit 01. In the TV series, it was heavily implied that Yui lives on inside of Unit 01. Since Gendo's version of Human Instrumentality involves drawing up human minds into a noncorporeal union, I guess he figures that this will include Yui's mind, even if she has no body. It's unclear in this movie if Gendo actually intends to include anyone but himself and Yui in this merger, but in Episodes 25 and 26 of the TV show, Human Instrumentality is presented like it's all humans, even dead ones, and Gendo Ikari talked about it like that's what his version of Third Impact was supposed to be.

I suppose the only thing keeping Gendo and SEELE from turning on each other was the Angel threat, but now that this is over, SEELE attacks. First they try to hack NERV's supercomputers, but this is foiled when they recruit the aid of...

...Ritsuko Akagai, who betrayed NERV in Episode 23 when she destroyed all the Rei clones they had in storage. But she's the only one smart enough with computers to block the hack, so she crawls back inside one of them and uses her dead mother's notes to build a more robust firewall or something. I think she j-pegged a RAM or something, I don't know.

Ritsuko wonders why she's even bothering, since she already turned on Gendo. They had been banging on the down-low, but she got fed up with him when she realized he loved his dead wife more than Ritsuko or her mother, who also used to bang Gendo on the down-low.

With that cyberattack fended off, NERV now has to brace for an actual attack. Admiral Clownshoes notes the irony of NERV defeating all those Angels, only for their final opponent to be the humans they were trying to save.

Tactically, the entire battle is a formality. SEELE runs the whole world, and they can send wave after wave of soldiers into the NERV facility, which is already badly weakened after months of Angel attacks and budget cuts. NERV's defenses were designed for dealing with Angels, and their greatest weapons were the Evas, except Unit-00 was destroyed in Episode 22, and Unit-02's pilot has lost the ability to sync. Nonetheless, Misato wants the pilot kids secured, since she knows SEELE's goons will try to take them out first. She orders Shinji to deploy in Unit-01, and even though Asuka's in no condition to fight, she has her put in Unit-02 and then sent to the bottom of the lake. It's not much of a hiding place, but at least she'll be safer there than inside the base.

Where's Rei? Well, no one can find her, but she's gone down to the room where they keep Lilith and she's soaking in that orange goop they have down there.

Perhaps anticipating this, Gendo excuses himself and orders Clownshoes to take over the defense of the base. Clownshoes seems to know what he's up to, and sends his regards to Gendo's dead wife.

At this point, it's basically a race to see who can trigger their version of Third Impact first. SEELE wanted to use the Lance of Longinus and Lilith somehow, but since the Lance is in space now, they now plan to use Unit-01, the only Eva created from Lilith. That's what makes it special, apparently. Units 00 and 02 were made from Adam, I guess?

Anyway, Gendo plans to do it by combining Adam and Lillith together. He's got Adam's body within his own, and he wants to join with Rei, who contains some essence of Lillith. This was Rei's main purpose all along, I think.

Meanwhile, Misato leaves her post to find Shinji, who was sulking in some corner instead of reporting to his Eva like she ordered. She saves him from some goons, but they're cut off from Unit-01, so she has to find a way to get him where he needs to go. She also has to convince him to cooperate, since Shinji's completely gone to mush in the midst of this new crisis.

As she drives him to where they need to go, she explains (most of) the necessary backstory to him. Second Impact was triggered deliberately to buy time for Human Instrumentality, and humans are descended from Lilith, just as the Angels came from Adam. So in that sence, the human species is collectively the 18th Angel, just another candidate to inherit the future of Earth. Humans, like any of the fifteen Angels spawned from Adam, have the opportunity to trigger Third Impact and secure their place as the dominant life form of Earth, but we had to beat all the Angels first to do it, and then find a way to survive Third Impact when it finally happened.

And while Gendo plans to do with with Adam and Lilith, SEELE wants to use the Eva series, somehow, so it's vital that Shinji use Unit-01 to destroy all the other Evas.

Speaking of destroying Evas, Asuka finally wakes up in Unit-02, which is currently getting battered with depth charges. She still can't control the Eva, and she just keeps whimpering that she doesn't want to die. Eventually, she hears her dead mother promising to protect Asuka, and she realizes the truth: that Asuka's mother, Kyoko Zeppelin, was absorbed into Unit-02, much the same way Shinji's mom was absorbed into Unit-01.

Now, at long last, Asuka can operate her Eva again, and she goes apeshit on the SEELE troops. They sever her power cable, but she doesn't care, boasting that five minutes is plenty of time to take out these creeps. This is honestly the best part of the movie, because they had reduced Asuka to a pitiful shell for so long, and now she's finally taking charge and whoopin' ass.

It won't last.

With the conventional forces beaten, SEELE sends in nine Eva Units of their own. These are units 05 through 13, but they all look the same, and I'm not even sure they have pilots. It's a pretty cool design for a "bad guy" Eva, but they don't figure into the plot very much. They're here to destroy Asuka and Unit-02, and Asuka has to destroy them to stop SEELE.

Meanwhile, Misato has almost gotten Shinji to the Unit-01 launch bay, but she got shot, so she tells Shinji he's on his own from here. Shinji continues to resist taking any responsibility here. He says he's not worthy to pilot the Eva because he hurts people. He killed Kaworu, and he "did something terrible to Asuka". So at least the movie recognizes that. I guess it was included just to show the audience that Shinji isn't exaggerating when he doubts himself like this.

Misato refuses to indulge his self-pity, and she doesn't care how much he cries or tries to use his past actions to disqualify himself. She tells him she's made plenty of her own mistakes, but she still learned something about herself anyway. Hey, I guess Misato kind of gets what I was saying earlier. I guess this makes her my favorite character?

Well, yeah, but I don't like how she gives him a long kiss goodbye, then promises they'll "do the rest" when he gets back. I mean, she dies immediately after he leaves, so I think she was just feeding him empty gestures to motivate him while she still could, but... that's kind of fucked up.

Meanwhile, Gendo and Rei reach the room where Lillith is to begin their attempt at Third Impact, but they find Ritsuko waiting for them. She pulls a gun on Gendo and tells him that she sabotaged the supercomputer while she was reprogramming it to stop SEELE's hackers. Except... when she tries to execute her plan, the computer doesn't do it. This is because it's been imprinted with the mind of its original creator, Ritsuko's mother, and apparently mom still carries a torch for Gendo, even after Gendo screwed both Akagis over. Gendo then pulls a gun on Ritsuko, and says "I truly..." but the sound cuts out as he says the rest of it, so we don't know what he wanted to tell her.

In any case, she calls him a liar after she hears it, so either he told her he loved her and she didn't buy it, or he said something really cruel and she knew he didn't mean it. Either way, Gendo shoots, her which normally would suggest his true feelings, except I think this Human Instrumentality business works on dead people too, so life and death kind of becomes meaningless in this movie. We see a ghostly apparition of Rei as Ritsuko falls into the LCL fluid. We also saw ghost Rei when Misato died, so this seems to be a thing now.

Meanwhile, Shinji makes it to Unit 01, but it's immersed in Bakelite, which Misato had ordered dispersed through the base to impede the invading goons. I'm not sure how it got here, though, unless the bad guys used Misato's own trick to secure Unit-01. So it looks like Shinji can't get in the robot, even though it's not a robot, and he doesn't even have to be inside the stupid thing to control it. He literally proved that on his first day on the job. Yo, Shinji, get in the robot, your mom loves you.

Meanwhile, Asuka seems to be doing just fine killing the bad guy Evas without Shinji, but just as she finishes the last of them off, the Lance of Longinus suddenly flies back to Earth and improbably stabs Unit 02 through the face. Uh... how? Why? What the fuck?

Also, all the Evas Asuka defeated suddenly reactivate. With her battery drained, Asuka is helpless to stop them as they crack open Unit-02 and eat it. I'm pretty sure Asuka herself is killed during this, but we don't see a body.

I guess this was the catalyst to get Unit 01 off its duff, as it finally breaks out of the Bakelite and grabs Shinji like it's gonna put him in. Unit 01 busts out to join the battle, and it's thig big impressive spectacle. It even has angel wings now.

But it doesn't actually do anything. Shinji just gets a look at what's left of Unit-02's mangled corpse and screams.

And that's the cliffhanger for 25'. There's a credits sequence, then a dedication note from the director, and then the second half starts as Episode 26'. So this is a good place to take a break.

If you're curious, the part where Eva 05-13 show up to confront Asuka is about where things ended in "Evangelion: Rebirth". But 25' is about twenty minutes longer than that, so I'm not sure what the significance of that cutoff point was supposed to be. I guess it works as a cliffhanger, but it's kind of dumb to have Asuka finally wake up and kick ass, only to get utterly destroyed a few minutes later. Then Shinji shows up to set up the real cliffhanger.

To be fair, this half of the movie is better than the second half. Mostly, it benefits from the parts where they actually show the characters recovering from Episode 24 and beginning to move to the next phase of the story. This was what the TV show failed to do with its Episode 25. Now, we get to see the SEELE vs. NERV battle that was only implied before, and we get to see how Human Instrumentality is arranged.

We also see why it needs to be done. In the original ending, it seemed completely arbitrary, like Gendo Ikari just decided this was a cool thing to try and he just did it to the whole world without asking anyone's permission. Here, it becomes clear that if Gendo doesn't pull the trigger, SEELE will, and it's just a race to see who can get their vision accomplished first.

And we actually get to see the other characters in this version. Asuka wakes up and gets her groove back, Rei's part in the drama is revealed, and Ritsuko and Misato get shot. Seeing this stuff makes me even more irritated that the TV series just jumped right past it all.

Still, this half of the movie has problems. For one thing, a lot of runtime is spent just showing troops slaughtering NERV personnel, and showing Misato leading Shinji to his Eva. Also, there's a healthy dose of Gendo and Rei just staring pensively at Lilith without actually doing anything. A lot of the footage doesn't actually progress the plot, and only Misato and Shinji's scenes are useful for providing exposition. Gendo and SEELE's words are too cryptic to be of much use.

The main point of this installment was to reinforce things we already knew: Rei's important to all of this somehow, Shinji is a sad sack, and Asuka is helpless. And maybe it needed to be reinforced in July 1997, more than a year after the TV show ended, but I don't think it needed to be hammered home this much.

And like I said from the start, this whole thing relies on a lot of ridiculous stuff that I feel like I should have been told about in the TV series. How did the Lance of Longinus come back? SEELE couldn't have arranged this, since they were the ones who were so upset about losing it in the first place. Why are there two methods to trigger Third Impact? How did Asuka's mother get sucked into the Eva and yet she remained in human form long enough to go insane and hang herself? Why did the bad guy Evas suddenly recover from their injuries when it was convenient for the plot?

Perhaps most critically: Why are they just treating Third Impact and Human Instrumentality like the same thing? Like if you do one, then the other one just automatically happens? Is that how it works? Then why were they so worried about the progress on that project? It could be done at will, right?

Oh, and how did SEELE figure out how to do all this stuff? They have their own fleet of Evas, which seem to work better than NERV's. They made their own Angel in the form of Kaworu. They seem to know how to make Third Impact happen, without Gendo's help. And however they got this far, they seemed to pull it off without anyone from NERV knowing about it. So why did SEELE even need NERV in the first place? As it currently stands, the only reason Gendo's ahead of them is because he's physically closer to what he needs to work with. SEELE could have nuked the base from orbit and hauled Eva Unit 01 from the wreckage.

Again, the whole movie just makes me feel like I missed an episode, except I didn't. I watched the whole thing, which leads me to assume that the next chapter will clarify everything, except it doesn't, as we'll see next time. See you there.

[t4lon]

I'm very conflicted.

We were recently diagnosed with DID, but this was not a new discovery for us. We have been operating under the partial assumption that we have the disorder for exactly a decade this year.

I say partial because it genuinely never stuck. The nature of our trauma and resulting anxiety prevented us from seeking any sort of mental health treatment, in any capacity, which as you can imagine, precludes any hope of diagnosis. So, from the age of 14 onward, we existed in this strange in-between state, where we gained and lost insight at different times. We lack self confidence, and though we supported the right of others to self diagnose, we (particularly Moira and myself) believed it would be silly to think any of our research could possibly be adequate. DID is a heavy diagnosis, and it's very hard to feel justified in claiming the label.

We tried many different methods to be okay with existing as more than one; and this is why the existence of endogenic systems was NECESSARY for our mental health. As someone who absolutely could not get diagnosed due to abject fear, and whose low self esteem and lack of expertise prevented them from trusting their own judgment, the idea that there are people who just allow themselves to exist without needing professional validation seemed like the only way forward for us.

Ultimately, I still think it is. I would not be this far along in my personal journey without the existence of the wider plural community, and though the rest of our system does not share my personal anti-psychiatry sentiments, it has been extremely important for them as well.

But it hasn't worked yet, and this feels a little bit like a failure on our part.

We finally hit a breaking point fairly recently, and found a therapist who then quite promptly diagnosed us. Since then, it's been night and day. Alters are more active, we switch more frequently, we are capable of leaving the house on short notice (and at all!). Our social anxiety has largely vanished, at least for the time being. It's like waking up after ten straight years of a depressive haze dominated by our repressive persecutor-host, and she is finally getting the rest she needed.

But really, after all that? The journey to self discovery, the repeated attempts to convince ourselves that we CAN just choose to be this way, that we can just act the way we naturally wish that we could... the only thing that could break through the wall was still to validate it through the framework we were trying to escape.

We tried so, so hard to truly believe that it would be okay for us to just be, but it just... didn't work. We still needed a therapist to tell us it was okay, that we really are the way we think we are, and that it is healthy to embrace. And it didn't matter how many peers also told us this; we needed a professional. We just did not believe anyone else, even though we desperately wanted to AND deeply respected their journeys and experiences.

This isn't really meant to be a Sad Post or anything, I mostly just think we have a lot more work to do. We were deeply damaged by things like fakedisordercringe AND many anti-endogenic sentiments in online system communities, and it is not nearly as easy to shake the self hatred and doubt as I'd hoped.

I do, to some extent, resent the fact that we ultimately felt that we needed someone to give us permission to exist. But. Well. We do certainly feel like we are allowed to exist, now. Perhaps even a bit vindicated.

Strange.

[sweetglitterparadise]

Can't work, can't sleep.

My little self-indulgent alarene... something. A short little story.

Summary: Alain has been trying to work on this new project but things are just not going all that well. He's been losing sleep. Rene is here to help him out

Tags: Alternative universe: noone dies, fluff, nsfw as a joke, but nothing actually happens, established relationships (they are like. friends with benefits or something like that. Not- not dating. Kaveh: "it's complicated" you know, scientists stuff, the usual)

English is not my first language, sorry for any mistakes,,

"Alain, please." Rene sat on top of the other's bed while Guillotin was studying some kind of lock. He was struggling to open it because it had a detector that required to use elemental reactions which was very unusual... and hard to achieve without a vision. Meanwhile Petrichor was bothering him with some unrelated questions.

It's not like they had a lot in common when it came down to the things they were interested in. Alain studied technology and kinetics while Rene - mostly biology and alchemy. It is more interesting that way, Rene once said to him, something about experiencing the world through different lenses and what not. Alain didn't wear any glasses except for the ones to protect his eyes while he was working but that was probably one of those things they call metaphors...

"No. Isn't it obvious I'm a little preoccupied right now?"

He hears humming.

"Why can't you put it aside then?"

"Why should I?" That was his answer.

Rene stood up and walked up to him, his hands landing on his shoulders. "I haven't seen you in a few days and when I come back you're busy. Is it so unlikely that I would miss you?"

Alain sighed. "Three days is only 72 hours. That's an adequate amount of time. But... I have to admit that I'm not qualified to comment on the latter."

Rene furrowed his brows. "I don't think you can calculate how long it would take for somebody to start feeling lonely without an important person in their life. You would need to consider a good amount of variables in order to even estimate such a thing."

He then grinned and leaned in a bit, their noses almost touching. Alain averted his gaze, blush making his face look a bit more healthy.

"You look like you've been losing sleep. A case of insomnia or sleep deprivation as a result of working on a new project?" said Rene and kissed him on the cheek, something brief and light.

"None of your business." Alain closed his eyes and put his little lock on the table. He then stood up and went right to his bed, shaking his coat off his shoulders and getting rid of the gloves.

"Alright then. Surprise me."

Rene smiled at him, amusement obvious on his face. "Weren't you busy, Monsieur researcher?"

Alain nodded. "I was. But it is indeed quite dangerous to work non-stop and I've only managed to get two hours of sleep last night."

Rene sat down next to him, taking their hands and clasping them together. The way Alain's skin felt under his fingers... it put his mind at ease. "Insomnia then? Have you tried taking any medication?"

Alain shook his head. "Nothing quite managed to help. Made me sleep longer but approximately only for 13 minutes and 44 seconds."

"Hm... alright I'm not sure if this will help but we can try it anyway."

Rene stood up again and started taking off his clothes. Alain looked at him, a tired expression on his face.

"I don't think I'll be able to hold on for long enough..."

Then it was Rene's turn to look at him with confusion.

"Whatever do you mean by that?"

Alain shrugged, pulled his pants down and took of his shirt. He was about to take everything else off when a hand stopped him mid movement. "What are you doing?"

They stared at each other for a bit.

"Nothing."

Alain removed his hand from his underwear. Rene just laughed to which the other also smiled, even if a bit embarrassed. Rene then rolled to the middle of the bed. Alain crawled up on top of him which looked quite interesting from an outside perspective.

"Hi." said Rene. Alain giggled, a rare but beautiful sight. He looked so carefree for once, nothing heavy weighing on his mind. Rene pulled him closer by the neck and connected their lips. He kissed him slowly, enjoying this moment they were sharing. Alain, tired as he was, closed his eyes and completely relaxed in his arms, his worries melting away. Rene tangled his hand in his hair and started brushing it, his fingers running through the strands.

"Thank you..." Alain said after a while. "I think this was very much necessary. I've been stuck on this lock for a week now. Maybe I need some time to just... not think about it."

"Perhaps. I might try to help you in the morning if you want, maybe all you need to do is to look at the problem from a new perspective."

"This sounds reasonable..."

Alain closed his eyes. Rene wrapped his arms around him. Alain then, with his eyes still closed, pulled out a blanket and gave it to Rene who then covered both of them with it.

"Alain."

"Hm?"

"Sometimes I think about cutting your head open and looking at your brain"

"That's a very bad compliment."

"It isn't."

"Yes, it is."

They spent a couple of hours arguing over some different topics such as human autopsy and the necessity of morals but soon enough Alain fell asleep, his face in the crook of Rene's neck.

"I thought I should bring you some medication to help with your insomnia but maybe you just need some company instead"

[leviadraws]

helloo i must ask you. your thoughts on yuki (the dra one)

Oh boy, he's a tough one for me, so I'll try to splruge some thoughts. (Sorry I've been slow with asks lately, I promise I'm working on them, also I really need to rewatch DRA at some point but I am tired atm so there may be some inaccuracies).

(under the cut, DRA and some SDRA2 spoilers throughout).

So DRA Maeda is honestly my favourite protagonist in canon and another. Due to the whole reveal at the end and the divine luck factor there's quite a lot of layers to him that you don't think about at a surface level but then you scratch it a little and it's all like "hey this is kinda clever" whether it was intentional or not. But a lot of that would be talking about Utsuro, not Maeda so I'm not really gonna cover it much.

I will say I do love the system headcanons that have been covered by yourself, Nikei, and Dragon (I was going to link posts but jesus finding posts on tumblr is so goddmn hard). I haven't researched the topic well enough to comfortably talk about it myself, and I think you guys have done a pretty thorough job already.

I would like to talk about something that has always bothered me a little, and that's how Maeda/Utsuro are portrayed in the flashback. During the flashback and when Kinjo references their time at Hope's peak, he's referred to as being more Utsuro. But then that doesn't line up with the picture found of the class, where he's clearly appearing as Maeda. I'd like to think that they existed together before the real Yuuki's memories were implanted onto him.

(This is 99% me wanting to have both Maeda and Utsuro in pre-canon haha, but it is interesting). As I said before I've not done adequate research and I don't want to accidentally offend, happy to remove this section entirely if necessary.

So I like him a lot since he's kinda just a kid, yanno? He gets annoyed with the other classmates, he's downright mean sometimes (he's kinda brutal to Satsuki in her FTEs, iirc), and he's kinda bitter in places (him refusing to help Kinjo in chapter 3). It just makes him feel more, real? If that makes sense.

And like in trials, since none of the trials are that hard that we don't get totally baffled, him leading doesn't seem that off. The "smarter" kids of the class are either unhinged (Kinjo) holding information for no reason (Rei), underused by Linuj (Kakeru, Kanata, Kinji), or have a chapter 5 plot device in their head (Mikako). I'd probably want someone like Maeda to lead trials too.

I guess there's that kinda lingering thing that due to divine luck, any leap of logic would always be correct, but it didn't feel jarring since he'd always come across as kinda pragmatic. That and the leaps in logic aren't the level of crazy that SDRA2 chapter 2 and 3 had.

He's also flawed, he doesn't always say the right thing. He doesn't give out hope speeches (that I recall at least, I could be wrong on that one), he succumbs to the motive in chapter 4 just as much as the others do. He holds grudges over the course of the game, he's devastated over Kinjo's actions in chapter 5. Actually his relationship with all three survivors + Taira are really good.

I'm not hugely fond of some of the FTEs with him tho, I sometimes get the impression that they were written earlier? He feels more like the generic protagonist is some of them. Rei's feels like one of the worst offenders of this, like earlier in the game Maeda doesn't really put up with Kinjo's or Rei's bullshit in their attitude to others, but in her FTE he puts up with her shit to hear her story? Idk it felt weird to me.

I do however love his interactions with most of the rest of the cast in the story itself, mainly Kinjo because kshkjefnad they are disasters and I love them so much.

One little thing, I really would've liked to see him snap a little more in canon. There's obviously the part with Mikako, but like so many fucked up things happen and there were like at least three other opportunities off the top of my head?. Can you imagine the slight change in his expression, but his whole vibe just becomes so much darker and the reactions of the people around him?. Kinjo and Akane's reactions (both pre and post chapter 5) would've been so interesting.

Imma probs get on that rewatch now and realise that I missed a load of stuff and feel very silly. But hey, here's a tired mess of thoughts that yous are all free to rip apart and tell me I'm wrong haha.

Also give him a hoodie he a tired boi let him be comfy.

[nokingsonlyfooles]

Stupid Doctors. Stupid Eyes.

So, did two doctors in one day. Two separate issues, remarkably similar difficulty in communicating and getting healthcare. Part of it MUST be the autism, but that CAN'T be all.

Doctor #1 was following up on a previous phone appointment. I had asked for an in-person appointment to lay out my case, told him I had almost a clean sweep of hypothyroid symptoms, told him I need a doctor who can handle my thyroid and "female hormones" (no other polite way to say, Can you handle all my hormones or not, you are a hormone doctor) because they interact with each other and if I have to keep ping-ponging back and forth between two doctors to work on this, I will not get adequate care. He started to ask about what estrogen I'd been on before during that appointment, but he backed off and tried to get me to see another gynecologist when I mentioned Canada kept running out of the patches I'd been prescribed. I tried to reiterate that if I have to square my treatment up between two doctors, I may die, but he said I might prefer an "expert."

I heard "you can use this other doctor if you're more comfortable with them," which I wouldn't have been, so I ran off and got a referral that would OK him to handle the estrogen and progesterone. He meant, "Under no circumstances will I handle that for you, even though I could. It's too complicated for me."

This became clear over the course of a five minute phone appointment, which I only accepted because it was the soonest one available. I thought he'd follow up in the office. And, although he wanted more blood work, I reminded him he told me the numbers were unreliable and he would need to address the symptoms, and he agreed with me, he just wanted the numbers too. Yesterday, numbers in hand, he told me my thyroid levels looked too high, so he was decreasing my dose, and I could have another blood test in three months. Bye. No discussion of unaddressed symptoms that don't look ANYTHING like hyperthyroid.

Did he get the referral? Could he address my "female" hormones? Well, he'd told my family doctor to refer me to that gynecologist! WHAT family doctor? That's not my family doctor anymore, he was fucking with my thyroid treatment that YOU prescribed me, among other very bad things, AND I LEFT HIM. I swear, I told the guy that LAST TIME.

OK. So I need a new endocrinologist who will actually handle all of my hormones, and I need to do all the research and find this person for myself, then ask the clinic to refer me to them. I could've started on this weeks ago if the fucker had just expressed himself in clear language. I TRIED to tell him as many ways that I could, "If you can't do that for me, I NEED ANOTHER DOCTOR," but he didn't hear that.

Doctor #2 was the surgeon who "fixed" my eyes so I can't maintain focus or acuity. I had a fight with the tech, and then with him, trying to explain the difference between, "I can read this, even though it's blurry, because I can guess what the letters are based on their basic shapes and the other letters in the line," and "You can read that just fine!" I tried to verbalize my struggles and this confused them. "Stop trying to focus on the letters, just read them." DON'T FOCUS ON THE LETTERS, JUST READ THEM???

They also had difficulty understanding the nature of the visual distortions. "Is this better or worse?" "My eyes get tired and stop focusing. It's not consistent." "But is it better or worse?" "I've been focusing on details for multiple letters now, and my eyes are refusing to stay in focus. I don't know." "Your prescription isn't consistent." *a pause, while my verbal ability crashes and I try to reset* "Wh-Why would it be?"

The doctor didn't know what binocular vision dysfunction was. Last time I saw him, I swear, the nurse asked what it was, and he explained it to her. It was brief and light on the details, but he did. Now he doesn't know what it is. He forgot since last year?

Also, I should not call the thing where a faint double of the image or text appears above or below it "double vision." "Double vision" is some other specific thing, not seeing two things, one of which is fainter. It's confusing for them when I call that "double vision." Cool. That makes very little sense to me and makes it even harder for me to keep talking. Thanks.

Anyway, they put me in front of a couple machines to take images and this time, FINALLY, I coughed up numbers that say something is wrong. My lenses are supposed to let light through at a "10." The left one is at a "9," which the doctor thinks is "not bad" and then he never addresses the blurriness in that eye again. Because the right one is at ".89". There's a decimal in there. It's less than one. This is severe. I must have a cataract.

But I only had the surgery because they thought my lenses looked fine and I wouldn't have cataracts for a decade or more! All of a sudden I have a cataract? "Well, let's dilate your eye and have a look!"

No cataract. He can't see anything. Yet he is holding an image with a number that says YES cataract.

Well, okay, I can read, so my vision isn't that bad (Oh, dear god) but let's give it a month, come back and see if the machine says the invisible cataract has progressed any. If it's still there and still invisible, you can have a referral to a cataract specialist. Oh, this has gone on so long, all the techs are at lunch. Well, they'll call you to make an appointment when they get back.

They still haven't called me, I guess they've been at lunch since yesterday.

I want my money back. I really, really do. If I have early-onset cataracts they missed, I did not have the information I needed to consent to that surgery. I don't think it's going to happen, though. Cataract surgery would be covered, if I just got a regular lens. But if I'm letting them cut into my eyeball and risk more pain and severe dry eye after all I've been through, I want a better lens - if that would work for me. God alone knows how I'll find a doctor whose opinion I trust to ask about that.

I still have no idea why the left eye is blurry and THEY CAN'T SEE ANY CATARACTS. This doctor is painfully nonchalant about having no idea WTF is going on. Hey, the surgery was a success! I can read! According to him! I don't have the endurance to draw or the speed to drive, but that's cool. No big deal.

Bleh. This is probably poorly-worded, with typos, but this is what's going on with me. This is what I'm trying to accomplish while still telling stories and enjoying life as the world falls apart. I'm a little tired and distracted, that's all.

[donuts4evry1]

slides into your inbox with soup and a blanket. do you have any fun jellyfacts on your mind rn?

omg thank you fluther, im going to devour them 🙏🙏🙏

the next ramble might be a little lengthy so I'll just put it under the cut

hmm... fun jellyfish facts, you say?.... Well I suppose I can talk about strobilation, since it's a topic that has interested me recently lol (ie. I was watching ponyo with a friend and we saw the beginning sequence together)

At first, when I heard the idea that jellyfish reproduce asexually and sexually, I thought "No duh, almost everything does" (because when you think about it, what are zygotes if not little balls of asexually reproducing cells?), but jellyfish don't just do that.

I'll mostly be talking about scyphozoan reproduction (since I don't know much about hydrozoan reproduction and box jellyfish reproduction could really be a post all on its own)

First, it all starts with fertilization. Most jellyfish are broadcast spawners, so they'll release eggs and sperm into the water indiscriminately. These will then develop into planula (rice shaped little guys that move with cilia). Generally, these eggs will be left alone, but the C. hysocella, or compass jellyfish, differs from this. The females are known to brood eggs under their bells until they develop into planula, which is pretty cool :). Brown banded moon jellies also have a brooding behaviour, btw! Researchers have seen them brooding planula in a special brooding organ lol.

Afterwards, planula look for adequately hard surfaces to attach to. This could be rocky substrate, a pier, a boat (this is how jellyfish become invasive around the world, generally, I think), or even a piece of floating trash.

They then develop into polyps- which are called scyphistoma. These duplicate themselves by budding (a form of asexual reproduction). Actually, thanks to this post I got curious as to what exactly induces budding so I just downloaded a cool research paper ab it. I'll read it when I'm able to focus again lol).

OOOk, so now at this point we've got a polyp.... what now? I'm glad you asked-

nothing.

Well- ok, that's not entirely true. Polyps need the perfect conditions to become strobila- or strobilate. This change can be caused by temperature, salinity, stuff like that. Indoles (a type of chemical compound) can also induce strobilation- though only for Rhizostomid, Scyphozoan, and Cubozoan jellyfish (sorry Coronate jellyfish, you will be missed).

Once they become strobila, the fun really begins !

The polyp changes colour, eventually segmenting itself into what is described a "stack of coins" in the process known as strobilation. On another note, the only organisms that are known to do this are a special type of worm. Hehe.

I used to equate this process to human birthing, but it really is quite different. In the end, it's just a polyp reproducing itself by cutting its body into individual segments and having them develop separately.

Anyways, once they are finally finished developing, each segment will break off the strobila in a horrifying, yet oddly satisfying manner. I love it. You can see this beautiful process in the opening of Ponyo, but they simplify it a lot and also make it less terrifying by showing the liberated ephyra simply "popping off" the strobila. Like. Ephyra have to struggle to get into this world. It's not easy. It's honestly a little criminal when I think about it. But the moon jellyfish aren't entirely accurate in the movie either, so I suppose I shouldn't be mad haha.

Um. Yeah.

I mentioned it in a post earlier, but polyps can strobilate multiple times throughout their lifetimes (which is why scyphozoan polyps generally leave behind residue after they strobilate lol, as opposed to cubozoan polyps)

um gosh i didn't mean to ramble so much about general jellyfish stuff but boy do I have an appreciation for strobilation

// (ngl, i haven't focused much of my energy on jellyfish for a while. I think i am tired and on a mairuma high. dw though, i'll be back with my bs soon hehe)

[thenightlymartini]

Hey I'm back again! (Most recent anons) I've been muling over ideas for the last week and I think I finally was able to put the idea into words. I'm still not quite ready to post any of my own Commieburger content [because I'm in the process of trying to create my own N!Korea OC, and because this idea fits more with the version you use.]

After being in a relationship for some while, the stuff they say to eachother around other people start to have double or even triple meanings. Alfred doesn't quite realize it until he picks up the very slight difference in the way that North was yelling something at him, and he immediately understood that there actual meaning. Neither of them meant to do it, and no one has caught on yet, but it becomes the only way they can seem to communicate while around other nations.

Congrats on deciding to make your own OC! Just remember to do lots of research and, especially since this is N. Korea, you need to make sure you are not glorifying his government nor the human rights atrocities the country is doing. If you are looking for inspiration or need an example of how to go about that, I recommend looking at @circlique's OC of N. Korea, the same one I use for my headcannons. You can find the dedicated blog for N. Korea under ask-north-korea. I believe they do a very great job at building his character and answering questions through the OC's perspective while also being respectful of the people and culture and critical of the actual country's government and history. Always important to take as much time as you need!

For your idea, it reminds me a little of what I've done before in some of my fanfiction, as well as some of the writing by circlique on their AO3 account. Though, mostly both writings focus on keeping up the act of America and N. Korea hating each other. I do like the idea of some of the things they say to each other having a double or triple meaning, like some things they would say to a passerby may sound condescending or they are trying to rub salt in the wound, but between the two of them it is a subtle way of checking in on each other. Two ideas I got while reading your idea was one about America doing his own way of making sure NK is alright and subtly displaying his love and affection and NK very subtly consoling America, and they show their real meanings through very small physical movements or tonal shifts that they honestly didn't realize they ended up doing until much later.

America would be really cocky and essentially looks like he is mocking NK for his government not being able to feed his citizens adequately, but in reality the way he structured his words and changed tone ever so slightly indicated he was checking to make sure NK was eating properly and that he would make sure the other got something if he needed, maybe even discretely paying for delivery to NK's hotel room later if he couldn't be there with him. NK, likewise, especially after witnessing or hearing about America being called fat or someone being critical of America's health or diet, would sound like, to anyone else, he's mocking America for being so nosy about what other people do or say that he should learn to back off or that he deserves what people are saying about him, but the subtle way of how a finger or hand slightly reaches for America's and the way his tone indicates he's dialing back on his annoyance or meanness actually tells he's trying to comfort America and tell him don't take those words to heart and carry on being himself otherwise he's just going to get more depressed if he thinks about it for too long.

I think they eventually pick up on these slight changes and differences as they progress and date for longer, as they have more time to really analyze and see each other as people and figure out the little quirks each have. In the end, I think they take it as a way to develop themselves, too, such as America learning to be more tactful with his words and tone, as well as learning to not be as pushy and just learning the art of subtlety in general, while NK learns to dial back on his general mean sounding-ness and sarcasm/snark when he's trying to be nice and to be more open in private or when one-on-one.

Thinking back on one of my more popular stories on AO3, I got the idea of NK being more subtle with physical displays because, despite being so attention and touched deprived that any sort of attention he gets he will cling to whether it's good or bad, he is bad at initiating physical touch himself unless he's really passionate. He also doesn't communicate wants that clearly since he's not used to opening up that much and his brain is so used to suppressing his own wants and desires for the sake of putting everything and everyone else first that he has a hard time letting himself be free to act on his own desires and wants, so if he wants to cuddle or hold hands, his fingers or hand act just ever so slightly quicker than his brain, but his brain catches up before any full action is made, thus looking like a twitch or subtle hand shift. NK, if it is just America and him alone, is prone to pouting as well, though it mostly comes when he isn't getting what he wants and he himself doesn't realize he's doing it unless America pointed it out.

I've left a few excerpts from one of my stories to help kind of clarify what I'm talking about with the changes in how America and NK act around each other:

"America quirked an eyebrow at the Korean, unused to the other relenting that easily. He was about to leave to fix up the couch when he noticed the subtle pout on the smaller man’s lips. The one thing he can say for certain about the past year of their blossoming relationship is that he started picking up on North’s quirks; including when North was trying to express what he actually wanted. If the pout weren’t present, he would have just figured the other was nervous, but North never pouts unless he isn’t getting what he really wants." "He glanced over to his left and noticed North opened his eyes again, this time seeing the conflicted look. America raised an eyebrow, then saw the twitch of one of North’s fingers reaching out towards him. After a year, he had learned that sometimes North was too scared to verbally ask for something if he felt insecure about it, and he took the hint. 'If you want, you can cuddle. Think of it like we do normally on the couch watching a movie.' America coaxed the hesitant Korean, opening up his arm so his side was exposed." - Excerpts from "First Night With One Bed"

[nevergonnasimpyoumikey]

@merryandrewsworld tagged me to this ask thingy, thank youuu 💖 Challenging everyone who wants to do it!

Were you named after anyone? Nope, my parent just liked how it sounded and didn't think about it much -> I have of the most basic names in my country :D

Do you have kids? No but... we'll see.

Use sarcasm a lot? More deadpan humor than sarcasm but yeah, sometimes, if I know it'll be understood in the situation x)

First thing you notice 'bout people? Hair, I think, if it's something that stands out? I honestly don't pay much attention to how people look – for example, someone I met in a group three or more times a week was like 8 months pregnant before I noticed it, and I only noticed after I heard her friends commenting how big she is now. And she really was. :"D I just have 108362 things in my head all at once, can't pay attention to everything!!

Eye color? Know the ship dynamic meme about the big, beautiful brown eyes and the blue eyes that stare right into your soul? Yeah I'm looking at you

Scary movies or happy ending? I've only seen a handful of scary movies and I don't like them so x)

Special talent? I do a bunch of things adequately or enough to get by but I don't think I have talents that most people wouldn't be able to learn with studying and/or practice. :D I'm not really sure what special talents actually mean. But I guess I've gotten compliments on the speeches I've given this past year, so maybe public speaking?

Your hobbies? Writing fics and poems, reading (mostly audio books in the car at this point), roleplays (larp, dnd, text rp), video and board games, karaoke (not as much as I would like)

Any pets? Two cats <3

Playing any sport? Not that actively anymore but baseball!

How tall...? 160 cm

Favourite subject in school? All languages (I've studied almost 10 languages in different schools at some point but I've forgotten most of them) were my fav but I also liked religion and history (different cultures + ethics), psychology (until we had to learn about brain chemistry and then I quit because I wasn't good at biology lol), art (never was good at it but still fun) and cooking (extra food hell yeah). I absolutely hated math, physics, chemistry and philosophy :D

Dream job: I'm already in the job that I dreamed of since the age of 15 but if I wanted to do something else, I'd try to pursue writing, either fiction or academic research.