#bc no one in my life rn
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// tw suicide : vent
#tw suicide#i'm tired of just being sad .#and i'm tired of wanting so badly to die#it's exhausting forcing myself not to think abt how much i want to die#i'm sad and i just want to be happy#as long as i keep myself busy i don't think abt it#but the second i come back to reality#it's all i can think abt#i don't want to burden my friends with this so i am sorry u must read me and my woes#but i needed to get this off my chest#bc no one in my life rn#knows how badly i'm struggling with these urges#i'm just plastering on a smile and (-: in everyone#SIIIIIGH#maybe telling ppl will make me feel better !!!!!#i doubt it tho#rowarnings
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making and weaving and loving! like we have done for millennia!!
#mine#original#ough. hello.#happy new year!!!!! first drawing of th year!!!!!!!!#also LAKSBF 15k followers. hello. welcome#i taught bf how to crochet n hes making a blanket....the irl insp for this piece...#im so proud of these colours....i used an actual real life colour palette..n i think that is th way forward#also . gradient maps my beloved#why have i always refused ur warm embrace.......#dont pay attention 2 the wool bowls okay ive seen a picture of one like once#i do want one however. tho why r they so expensive#its a bowl w a hole in it. relax#ive been listening 2 the silmarillion audiobook as ive been working...i love it sm its like incomprehensible#like. idk what ur talking abt but i love it all th same!!#i tried reading it last year n was like.......okay anyway#rereading gay nuclear disaster book rn....natasha pulley would it kill u 2 write a smut scene#i want 2 see th horrible little scientist man get railed#next book after this is . 1030 pages oaodghsdugd#my goal is to read 50 books this year but i do not think that will happen bc i refuse 2 read books less than 400 pages skjdgbskjd#someone ask me about books. i have so many opinions abt books#okay good evening. i leave u w love
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I love people who’re just safe. People who will always be there for you even if ur an imperfect human being. People who acknowledge the fact that ur trying. When you’re a person w anxious attachment/who’s had their fair share of people who poorly communicate or do not care enough to or would rather just walk out, that is literally so healing. I love my safe people
#Thinking of my one friend whom im never anxious w even if she takes a minute to respond bc ik that when all is said and done she#Will always be there#and will communicate#and that’s such an antithesis to a lot of people I’ve encountered in my life#I’m preparing a bday package for her rn bc she does not just deserve a present#but a PACKAGE
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jaime turning women down constantly more bc he is very monogamous and in love with someone else right now for the first time and is also kinda scared of actually having sex with someone other than cersei is sm better to me than “i respect the kg vows of chastity so intensely rn actually because i changed into a good and serious person” or whatever lol
#i truly dgaf about that bffr jaime dude#like its a stupid vow that says nothing about u as a person lmfao#him in the bath with pia thinking of brienne like u r not fooling anybody honestly#like i truly do think its more copium and not being honest with himself tbfh#like he had a rationalization when pia came into his bed in asos too but then it was purely ‘i only love cers i would never’#and with cat it was so funny when he bluffing and was like uh i cant marry bc of my vows but i could still service u😉😉#he would have pissed himself if he was called on that bluff but only bc he would be cheating on cers and have sex with another woman#man that fucked his twins in a sept next to his sons dead body the moment he returned caring about chastity vows#his development isnt really about keeping every vow ever when most of it is fraudery anyway#like pls he is not keeping his vow to his king rn really 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#i think the vows and respecting them has a deeper meaning thats the whole point which ones do u keep and prioritize and why#like weve been thru this 80x being a real vowhead is not what makes u a good person 😭#deleting ur individuality and personal life to be an honorpillhead lol#the vow to cat has meaning the elite bodyguard vow to never fuck has zero meaning 😭#he was ready to break the no marriage vow w cers pls#im not saying this bc of a shipper endgame in mind i find volcel jaime hilarious its just i dont like it as proof of his development#like ill be real guys sex positive warrior gurm is not pushing the idea that keeping ur chastity vows is what honor is about#like i get that he wants to be better and he is figuring out what that really means but
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same teacher, different lessons
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#sonic the hedgehog#dr. ivo eggman robotnik#miles tails prower#sonic frontiers#SPOILERS. THERE ARE SPOILERS IN THIS COMIC BY THE WAY.#SONIC FRONTIERS SPOILERS#smiles gently I can not believe I let sonic the fuckign hedgehog ruin my life#(I can I totally can)#hi <3 if you follow me because I drew this sonic comic. don't!#don't do it! follow me bc I'm funny and hot and devastatingly smart don't follow me bc I draw sonic stuff. bc it won;t happen again#I mean it. not bc I dont like or want to do sonic stuff. but bc I am literally in the middle of a job rn#one that I want to invest 100% of my time and brain in#this comic is actually an effort to win my brain back so I can do my job lol#because I finished miss penny snapcube's streams of this game and it force fed me emotions#I just! I just thought sonic would come tell eggman abt sage!! idk seems like something he'd do!!!#and also the whole thing abt letting the characters move on and have a future and change and develop#vs Killing My Baby Little Guy Daughter For Like Ten Minutes#thematically interesting! also for some reasons I had. a pretty easy time drawing this#I was mouthbreathing galloping like a horse to finishing this. Because I Need To Work#I didnt expect to have a good time with these designs tho idk why. probably bc I most suck shit at drawing animals#but to be fair yet again sonic and tails are little guys. theyre animal but theyre also like dudes. also sonic's design is kinda perfect#as far as character design goes he's really pretty goo- wait I made a continuity error hol on#okay. okay I fixed it. no problem. no matter 's all good now#okay. I go sleep now. today has been very noisy. but this actually got me through it okay#thank you sonic the hedgehog. that was pretty cool of u#have a good night guys! absolute freedom is probably really really sad#long post
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it is all chaos and entropy. the thing is that the chaos and entropy make it beautiful and lovely.
yes, it's true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is terrifying. i have lived through some of the unfairness - i got born like this, with my body caving into itself, with this ironic love of dance when i sometimes can't stand up for longer than 15 minutes. i am a poet with hands that are slowly shutting down - i can't hold a pen some days. recently i found a dead bird on our front porch. she had no visible injuries. she had just died, the way things die sometimes.
it is also true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is wonderful. the sheer happenstance that makes rain turn into a rainbow. the impossible coincidence of finding your best friend. i have made so many mistakes and i have let myself down and i have harmed other people by accident. nature moves anyway. on the worst day of my life she delivers me an orange juice sunset, as if she is saying try again tomorrow.
how vast and unknowing the universe! how small we are! isn't that lovely. the universe has given us flowers and harp strings and the shape of clouds. how massive our lives are in comparison to a grasshopper. the world so bright, still undiscovered. even after 30 years of being on this earth, i learned about a new type of animal today: the dhole.
chance echoing in my life like a harmony between two people talking. do you think you and i, living in different worlds but connected through the internet - do you think we've ever seen the same butterfly? they migrate thousands of miles. it's possible, right?
how beautiful the ways we fill the vastness of space. i love that when large amounts of people are applauding in a room, they all start clapping at the same time. i love that the ocean reminds us of our mother's heartbeat. i love that out of all the colors, chlorophyll chose green. i love the coincidences. i love the places where science says i don't know, but it just happens.
"the universe doesn't care about you!" oh, i know. that's okay. i care about the universe. i will put my big stupid heart out into it and watch the universe feast on it. it is not painful. it is strange - the more love you pour into the unfeeling world, the more it feels the world loves you in return. i know it's confirmation bias. i think i'm okay if my proof of kindness is just my own body and my own spirit.
i buried the bird from our porch deep in the woods. that same day, an old friend reaches out to me and says i miss you. wherever you go, no matter how bad it gets - you try to do good.
#writeblr#warm up#i can't write rn but i have SO much words in here bc im reading the chorus of dragons books#(just started book 4)#and this woman's writing is just LIVING in my brain. let me out!!!#(i read roughly like 2-4 books a week usually bc i go on long walks with my dog but when a book is REALLY good like. it eats my life. )#anyway ...... so like here's a story that idk i've tried to explain to other people as being wild#but maybe im the only one who thinks it is wild???#so i play pokemon go (i just started in jan) bc i love pokemon and as i have mentioned i walk goblin for like an hour in the morning#and i don't like a lot of fitness trackers due to the fact it makes me .sad. but i also wanted the little digital rewards. enter pokemon go#anyway so they make you make friends to complete quests. so i used a reddit thread. i do not usually use reddit. i don't have an acct#i lurked. i just googled like ''pokemon go reddit '' and randomly added a bunch of numbers#i was on that page for all of 15 minutes. there are THOUSANDS of responses on that page.#here's what's wild: in that group of people. even though i am not on reddit and it was one random event once#it turns out one of those people lives in the town i live in. or at least very close. i only know this because#when we send each other gifts. it's from the same freaking area.#i can't ask them to meet up bc pokemon go doesn't have a messaging app lol but like . what are the fucking chances that#a random person posts in a random reddit thread and HAPPENS to get added by someone ELSE from their SAME TOWN#who by pure fucking CHANCE is ALSO playing pokemon go and looking for friends#i googled it there's only 42000 people in my broad region. the .......... smallness ! of the world!!!
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AFTER AN ENTIRE YEAR OF WORK. THE FIRST PART OF THE PINK ANIMATION IS DONE. LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Yora goes out to buy a birthday gift for her friend, gets distracted and buys soda instead. that's it. that's the animation. nothing else happens. don't worry about it.
i'm going to tag everyone under the sun because i refuse to let this flop. look at my animation boy (also i have to divide it into groups of 5 bc if it's more than that tumblr won't tag them for some reason. webbed site)
@rotkad @sansxfuckyou @7hefear @beetroot-merchant @ashingtonkisihita
@h3xt0r @bree-sae @helloidkwhatimdoing-0 @zecrisketch @wist-eri
@sra-mothman @the-amaranthine-terminal @moreworldliness @ask-nonny-anything @ixesese
@iilmunchkiin @kami-kun1003 @duckbang @choccymilllk @wackpedion
@oswaldtheluckywolf @brightstarblogs @maryalezoo @ariapmdeol @rosakuma
@jareicanon @idiotic-b-gilson @biggie-chcese @astronic-fr @astro-inthestars
@therealcallmekd @ghoulcalculator64 @personalshredder @radioroxx @specklx
@highoncatfood @hollowgears @akuma-tenshi @draconicsparkle @silvesary
@hiveswap @scivious @zephyrnine @xhda1449x @sajdd
#nathan's notes#art#animation#amv#tatsuya kitani#PINK animation#krita#artists on tumblr#yora hoshi#lare sakitsi#yes. i want to animate the whole song#but actually i think i'm gonna do the next part on a different file bc this one is like two frames away from crashing my computer#pc fighting for its life rn
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[ But i wish, the '"interesting" him' I am talking to right now, Hold some part of truth of the 'true him'. ]
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( a bit of thought after seeing their 2 interactions on x & x )
#i only just started to play the game; trey senpai loves me so much his different cards kept coming to me; even my first SSR is him#i don't know this ends up very long which probably doesn't make sense in the end#twst#twisted wonderland#treyjade#trey clover#jade leech#fanart#i remember seeing one strip about trey finding his strawberries bitten#and he thought it was some pest & went to get pesticide#but then he found jade later nibbling on them fshd#i love them so much ............#they are my top comfort ship rn#OH GOD I REMEMBER the strip where trey found jade sketching on plants on botanical garden & complimented his drawing#and then jade be like DRAW ME! DRAW ME!#AND IT WAS LITERALLY THE UGLIEST THING TREY COULD EVER SCRIBBLED (not really bcs he is just bad at DRAWING in general *crying)#BUT JADE TREASURES IT WITH HIS LIFE LIKE IT'S EVERYTHING HE COULD EVER ASK FOR#FSHDSH#I LOVE THEEEEEM!!!!!!!!!!!!#I couldn't create something for them to that adorable level but hngghhh....... i love them o(-<
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i don’t even fucking care
#house md#house spoilers#hilson#the fact that house is consistently selfish. that he’s an addict. he’s always in pain#but he gave up his vicodin for wilson. mind you the pain in his thigh must have been excruciating#bc consistently whenever he’s extremely stressed or worried the pain gets worse#but wilson is still his priority. he put wilson above the burning pain god man😭#him giving up his freedom HIS LIFE for someone who has less than half a year to live like oh my god#the love house has for wilson actually makes me sick bc even outside of the cancer arc house has done things for wilsons sake#like almost killing himself just to help him and amber. drugging him at that one conference from s6#he’s an asshole often times but he truly is the only constant in his life. they both are for each other#i actually feel sick. im not on everybody dies yet (im on the c word rn) but god idk how im gonna get thru this😭#5x13 big baby#8x19 the c word#1x01 everybody lies#8x22 everybody dies#7x15 bombshells#8x21 holding on#where the quotes are from btw#sorry for the essay in tags
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seafood trio portraits !
+ some alts. with spoilers !
#this is how they look after the 3yr jump 👍#pretty proud that i managed to capture how i usually imagine them :0 ! been in an art slump so this was a pleasant surprise#idk if ill b able to draw them consistently tho . so these designs r for my brain only#might try to color these but i havent eaten lunch yet so thats a problem for another day#solar-drawss#my art#han sooyoung#kim dokja#yoo joonghyuk#yhk#yoohankim#orv#orv spoilers#omniscient reader's viewpoint#omnicient reader's view point#cackling at how miserable sp and 63hsy look compared to kdj in the middle#her whimsy … shes living her best life rn#……i lied i think i just gave him My face straight up jfc . get that off of u asshole#anyways if u didnt already notice ! yoohan have matching eyebrow scars 🫶#kdj has one on his nose in that first one#the second kdj has cracks all over her which i forgot to add is inspired by hehearse’s works !!#the reason why they dont show up in the first one is bc aileen covered it up before he went to 1863#like . hoseki no kuni style ✌️#fun fact i sketched that hsy the night before her birthday skfjsjf had to give up bc it was too late tho#so now im repurposing it for this#NO WAIT I SHOULD JUST GO BACK AND GIVE HSY A CLEFT LIP …. dam lost opportunity. well whoevers reading this just kno she has one now
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Also I am. Constantly forgetting how fucking funny Hunter is. We never give him enough credit for how funny he is because his life is so fucked up but I swear 90% of his lines are just bit after bit after bit. He's not even trying either. Anytime he actively tries to make a joke it falls flat but if you just put him in a Scenario he'll find a way to be so over invested and yet out of touch/at odds with whatever's going on. He's so autistic
#the owl house#ramblings of a lunatic#i forget hunters character voice A Lot#plus the most recent ep is always whats most clear in my mind (so rn that's ftf) and he's obvs much more angsty in that one#idk ppl credit thanks to them as the first time Hunter was like happy and silly#but i highkey think asias was the prelude to that. like i think the events of that day are so vivid and special to hunter#precisely bc it's the first time he's interacted with witches his age in a non hostile or strained way#it's the first time on screen we see him have fun doing something that isn't deranged#yeah whatever souls are made of his and willows are the same. but more importantly her gus and the rest make him laugh#that's important for the guy canonically having the worst day of his life Every Day#part of why huntlow appealed to me initially was that it was hunters first taste of like. normal teenagedom#not the romance with willow (cause that's barely an undercurrent in asias) but flyer derby and hexside in general#and that's part of why willow and later gus r like. his safe space#and thus why it's so significant that he goes out of his way to protect (keep them safe) too#anyway enough hunter thoughts for tonight. i love him but this isn't my Brand
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There's nothing more fun than filling an entire doodle page of your favorite car salesman :]
#my art#doodles#fan art#art#deltarune#xiakeik arts#spamton g spamton#addison spamton#spamton#jevil deltarune#spamton deltarune#doodle page#im posting this as a “filler” ngl bc i have other projects i will post soon its just that i got a busy life rn so it'll take a bit#it'll be a shitpost but hopefully a funny one at that#you can thank the YT spamton playlists for that onr#also i hope whoever sees this understands some of the references im making with certain doodles bc holy hell they live in my mind rent free
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trying to make fanart of leona from @kiame-sama's humans are extinct twst au (warning it is a yandere au and 18+ so minors DNI)
#art#mine#my art#leona#leona kingscholar#twst#twisted wonderland#humans are extinct au#aint it funny that we both used the same card as the base for the pictures?#i promise i didnt copy your idea i legit just eanted a pose that easily showed his legs#also lion paws are surprisingly hard to freehand?#i swapped out the skull in his hand for a chess piece for a few reasons#one bc he's never eaten a human so i didnt want to feed into the stereotype of sunset savannah folk eating humans#and two bc of the metanarrative of it seeming racist for the place where beastpeople are also being the ones who ate humans most often#not that i think kiame had any intention of that sorta thing i think it's just a really unfortunate coincidence#but it starts out with the weirdness of the canon africa stand-in also being mostly known for beast people living there#as in actual animal people#and there's way more horrors about real life colonial history that make the twst au feel...weird to have those real events flipped#again im not upset or calling out the author of the au or anything im just sharing my perspective and comparing and contrasting this au#it's mostly an interesting exercise for me rn#but anyway! i got tired and never finished coloring the sketch but i really liked the sketch so here!
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uhh another modern au agott follow-up. They've gotten progressively sillier
#witch hat tag#orufrey#hopefully you remember where she's at. the original one about her turmoils with art was so sincere....#but this is sincere too. being a 12 year old autistic lesbian is one of the most stupid things to experience. Like what is happening.#Yeah OK maybe i'm a wee lesbo. but i'm focusing on my CAREER rn so idc about that. SO i'm very upset that other ppl are not FOCUSING!!!!#A-AND FYI MY TEACHER HE CARRIES AROUND A GIRLY LIL PURSE!!! SO THERE!!!! Why are they walking away#agott helps me have to decide how to draw expressions i have never drawn before.#i actually realised looking at the concept art book stuff more carefully that coco is canonically 14? Ok....#it's a little too cruel if theyre dealing with periods on top of saving witch society from its foibles..but ok.. i do feel that riche is 12#also coco's hair is going to turn dark green when she's an adult or something. it's 'blonder' now due to being a kid🤔#abba is bc after a big long modern au orufrey comic where they got together i just strongly felt that they slowdanced to abba that day#feeling the mirth and hope of life and 'young and sweet only 17' why didnt we get together sooner but its ok like this & i love you dearly.#teen qif secretly listening to abba heartache songs after olly's caretaker drives him away..in that faded neopets hoodie.#it became 'their music' their silly little music.. right up there with the faerie bubbles theme.. (<- frustrating neopets minigame.)
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Yeah its so weird. People act as if the reason dan left and the issue dnp had with privacy was that people shipped them and wrote fanfic. Outside of like 2011/12 when dan had a (in his own recount) freakout because people were clocking him, they did not give a fuck at any point about the shipping or the theories. That is clearer now than ever, as they have a whole tour based around it and are actively encouraging it because they find it funny. What they did care about was when people reached out to their friends and family, harrasing those peoples social medias, because they didnt choose to put themselves on the internet, dnp did. What they did care about was the fact that apparently some fans figured out where they lived and used that info to go to their first flat in london and knock on the door to talk to them. Like. Thats invading privacy. Looking at a twitter account that was and has been public for 15 years, and cross matching it with things that have been publicly said and posted is not breachibg privacy? Thats? Not the same thing???
lmao thank you lmao like? I'm convinced that anytime someone says "this is giving demon phannie we are going back to 2014 and they're gonna leave again" they were not actually here for that era bc like 😭😭 d&p have been clear they dgaf about theories, espc recently. ppl just have no media literacy when it comes to what dan said in BIG
but honestly even if ppl still don't like the research I honestly don't care they have the right to not like it, what actually pissed me off the most was that the ppl who were talking shit seemed to be operating under the assumption that the dan being philslion theory existed for forever, then d&p denied it so I came along and decided to disprove what they said after the fact. which is just not fucking what happened like the doc IS the theory. basically no one was saying it was dan before I posted all the proof, no one would have asked them about it if it wasn't for my posts 😭 if you're gonna shit talk me go ahead but at least have your facts straight first, it takes .5 seconds to see the dates I posted everything like lol
#seems to be a theme in my life rn one of my friends made me cry last weekend bc she was making baseless assumptions that I was#being completely selfish towards our other friend and as soon as I was like 'that's not what happened' she was like 'omg im so sorry I didn#have all the info' GIRL THEN WHY WOULDNT U JUST ASK ME???? RATHER THAN ASSUMING I FUCKING SUCK?#im sorry that's so off topic from this anyway#guys also the person who called me crazy is literally mutuals w/ me on twitter and they didnt even unfollow me 😭 like what#ask#anon#d&p#dan and phil#phan#philslion
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What are your headcanons about Marcille's mom if you have any? It's interesting that what drew Donato to her was cause she lived the history he studied, or that was said somewhere at least. She must've had an interesting life.
so this was going to be just a normal answer but then I realized I have a Lot of Things To Say. so here goes, a compilation of what we know for a fact from the canon, what I've extrapolated from the visual cues and details, and my theories based on all of that.
Things we know for a fact about Marcille's mother because they were explicitly stated in the manga and supplemental materials:
She was a court mage for a Tall-man kingdom at the southern part of the Northern Continent
Donato, a court historian, fell in love with her because she had lived through the history he was studying, and he courted her for 17 years (age 15 to 32) before getting married
She was a cheerful person who rarely showed extreme emotion and took things as they came
She always cooked a huge meal for Marcille on her birthdays
She remarried a gnome after Donato's death and a short distance away from Marcille's childhood home
Pipi, Marcille's pet bird, was actually older than Marcille and originally belonged to her mother (bird died at 62)
She was extremely heartbroken when Donato died and ultimately ended up instilling a deep fear of mortality in Marcille with her words
the only time she showed extreme emotion in front of her family was when Donato could no longer eat his favourite dish near the end of his life.
She scolded Marcille for being cruel to ants (implying she can have a stern side when needed)
Things that are explicitly shown but mostly through visual cues
She has a very distinctive style of dress always involving a ribbon choker (mirroring Marcille's habit of always wearing a matching choker with any of her outfits that don't cover her neck)
She was almost stereotypically good at housekeeping and traditionally "wifely" things (very frequently depicted wearing an apron or doing some domestic chore when not at work, seems to have been an avid cook).
She knits? (also, note the affectionate smile as she's looking at Donato and Marcille reading a book together in the full panel)
She was as excited for Marcille's milestones as Donato was.
She didn't tell Marcille much about elven food
(there are a couple things that this panel in particular implies:
She lived a good deal of her life (if not being born and raised) in a mainly elven country in the West, implied by her knowing enough of an elven region's cuisine to prefer Tall-man food over it
seems to have a pretty carefree and casual demeanour overall, if this is how she replied to Marcille asking her about it (sounds like she never gave her culinary preferences that much thought to begin with)
slightly related to number 2, it seems like she and Marcille had a fairly casual parent-child dynamic (especially in comparison to the Toudens' memory of their father)
(local elf tastes Italian food once and never goes back))
However, she seems a lot more... serious in most of the other times we see her? Almost like the very stereotypical archetype of a graceful elf.
Subsequent conclusions about her personality:
Usually pretty carefree and cheerful at home, has been a loving and attentive parent throughout Marcille's childhood (while not being so doting that she didn't discipline Marcille).
Slightly more conjectural theories on her personality:
Had a much more graceful and professional personality at work, which would explain the more serious portraits we see of her.
Given that both she and Donato had positions at the royal court, it seems a little odd that she'd go out of her way to do all the housework herself, so maybe she just enjoyed doing it?
Now taping all the evidence together and toeing the line between analysis and fanfiction:
It's clear that she loved Donato very much and was utterly devastated by losing him. But there's one thing that really stuck out to me in what little we see of her:
Doesn't she seem... angry? The way she's gritting her teeth, clutching the tablecloth, and how this is the first and only time we see her eyes opened that wide. In the following panel, you see her being quiet and dejected after her initial outburst. She's still crying very intensely, but her brows are furrowed, and she's not really responding to Donato's affection in her body language.
We're not told the details of how she felt about losing Donato other than that it upset her. But this, to me, implies that she was angry and resented that he was aging, that the end of his life was approaching. An "it's not fair" type of preemptive grief. And if this was the first and last time she cried like this in front of her family, she was either very good at coping in private... or very bad at letting herself feel unpleasant emotions until they become unavoidable and end up overwhelming her.
It's not too remarkable a detail on the surface. It's even reminiscent of what the audience has seen of Marcille. But... when it comes to the big picture, you'd think an elf who voluntarily chose to marry a tall-man and have a half-elf child would have been better prepared for this.
It kind of recontextualizes her cheerfulness to me.
"I'm sure everything's gonna be okay!" (or some variation thereof, depending on what translation you have).
And this is stated to contrast her extreme grief when finally confronting Donato's failing body and eventual death. But I'm wondering if... maybe this optimism was why she was so upset. What if she went into all of it thinking "everything's gonna be okay"? What if she was a little young by elven standards, and just followed her heart thinking that her own resilience would get her through anything?
Of course, only to get completely overwhelmed when she actually loses Donato. She turns into a completely different person. And that's heartbreaking on its own-- but what the audience sees is the effect it had on Marcille. Can you imagine being her, watching your invincible and upbeat mother suddenly lose all the light in her eyes in one go?
I've already made a huge post about how I think Marcille models her "work persona" off her mother, but another thing that stuck with me as I was looking for more details in the manga was this:
copy pasting from the other post i made about it lmao it's like... the second she resigns herself to lifelong pain and terror, there's another portrait of her mother facing her like this. with their heads bowed, in mirrored body language of resignation and despair and sorrow. Except it's posed like Marcille is still looking at her mother but her mother is looking away.
It took me a second to realize, but I think that it's a visual metaphor for the fact that Marcille's mother was the only long-lived role model she had-- and she failed to model healthy grief for her daughter. I don't say this as an accusation or to disparage her as a character, but just as a matter of fact. In her, Marcille was seeing herself older and losing a short-lived spouse or loved one of her own, and all she saw was hopelessness.
But her mother didn't mean to instill hopelessness and terror in her. She wasn't really thinking of how it would truly affect Marcille at all (at least, that's how I'm interpreting her looking down and away from Marcille in the metaphor), she was just sad. And she, in her own way, was trying to protect her daughter and help her prepare for future losses.
What she meant was "loss is inevitable, and you have to learn how to be in pain but live on anyway." What Marcille heard was "loss is inevitable, and you will be scared and hurt for the rest of your life."
Again. Marcille's mother doesn't feature explicitly in the story the way her father does -- but in so many ways, her shadow, her silhouette, her reflection is always hanging over Marcille.
All that to say... headcanon-wise (everything from here on is 100% without evidence lmao), I'd like to think that she matured and realized that she failed Marcille. I imagine her being regretful about it, wanting a chance to fix it but never finding a way to insert herself back into Marcille's life when Marcille is so so so busy becoming the most accomplished mage possible. I imagine her being herself again, now, so many years after her loss and after remarrying -- but with her cheerfulness tempered with a lot more wisdom and the pain of having gone through loss like that. I think the second Marcille actually tells her what happened in the dungeon, she'd want to go running to her daughter again -- if Marcille tells her the full truth instead of just being embarrassed she let things get that far. (oh, the tragedy of her wanting to be more like her mother and an accomplished adult who doesn't need to be babied... being embarrassed to actually tell her mother how much she fucked up...)
There's also the tension of her having remarried -- I know that there's at least a little bit of resentment that Marcille harbours about that, because she's childish like that at heart even if she makes an effort not to externalize it. I think that her mother would be aware of that, potentially adding to her sense of guilt and apprehension at trying to reappear/intrude on Marcille's life. I honestly don't think Marcille has met her stepfather -- or even considers him a stepfather rather than "mama's new husband" and kind of a total stranger. I think she and her mother actively don't talk about it in their correspondence, like an elephant in the room.
but, ultimately, I think her mother is on her side no matter what. Ancient magic? Dark necromancy? Sure, she'll feel guilty and like she was partially responsible for setting Marcille down such a painful path, but she wouldn't care. that's her daughter!! she would've moved back west and been petitioning for her at the court, buying a house right next to the Canaries barracks and visiting her every day that she wasn't on a mission. And if her husband had opinions on Marcille becoming a "dark arts user," he either gets over it or it's divorce with him. Yes, she might have had her optimism completely humbled by losing Donato like that -- but she's still headstrong and self-assured and she doesn't care what people think of her. It's her way or the highway and she's always going to be in Marcille's corner.
(She also needs a name lol. I went with Juno, just to be cute about "Marcille"s closest real life equivalent being Marcella, which is the female version of Marcellus, which in turn is a diminutive of Marcus, which was derived from Mars. Absolutely in love with Marcille potentially being named after Ares/Mars the fucking god of war btw)
#asks#she could easily be interpreted as distant or neglectful after Donato's death too#with how little involvement she has in Marcille's life/the fact that Marcille doesn't even mention her when talking about her life prospect#and that's fair! I will argue to hell and back that she was a loving parent when Donato was alive#but there's nothing that suggests she remained a loving parent afterwards#I just think that like... parental relationships are so complicated in dungeon meshi#you cannot deny that the toudens' mother loved them dearly but that she failed them both miserably as a parent#and i think it'd be more compelling if Marcille's mother was a little like that too#not a totally and easily dismissable deadbeat#but someone who truly loves her daughter but was only human herself and couldn't be what Marcille needed at a crucial moment#and regrets it deeply#and that the distance between them is mutually self-imposed by complicated feelings of guilt and fear#and a little resentment from Marcille's side that she hasn't really properly processed#I don't know if I'll ever get around to writing it but i had this idea where Marcille does finally spill the beans to her mom and she just#immediately arrives in Melini#and its awkward for a bit but they do finally have a heart to heart and air it all out#and marcille starts freaking out that her marriage is rocky rn bc her new husband wants her to distance herself from marcille#on account of the crimes and all#marcille's like no you can't blow up your marriage for me and her mother just shuts that shit down#'you didn't choose to be born. i was the one who made that choice for you'#'i brought you into this world and i'll be damned if i don't take responsibility for that the entire way'#'you are entitled to *nothing less* than my unconditional love.'#and obviously that's not a sentiment that's exactly healthy as a universal statement about parenthood#but i think its what her mother would believe and what marcille needs to hear#and dungeon meshi does such a fantastic job at just... letting imperfect things just *be* without having to justify it immediately#it expects the audience to do their own critical thinking#and know that its not trying to make sweeping universal statements in every instance#marcilleposting#marcille donato#junoposting
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