#bc last time i stopped breathing
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Both my sisters bought wedding dresses.
I move in five days.
The anxiety is not good tonight, boys
#i tried to go for a run tonight#and immediately forgot what terrible asthma I have#literally only a 15 minute run had me wheezing#and that just made me anxious about the IV lab tomorrow#bc last time i stopped breathing#and theres like a 50 percent chance I'm going to react to this new drug#like what if i just didnt manage my chronic illnesses#and then i would not have to go through this guessing game#of what drugs im going to have severe allergic reactions to#i wish caroline wasn't 16 hours ahead of me#oh well#delete later#mr crisp
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He misses his dad.. 🥺
#I saw another fanart that made me cry so hard I threw up so I felt like I needed to hurt people too#I also haven't stopped thinking about how sad Tomura probably was when Kurogiri got captured#that was his REAL dad 😤#I would've loved to get more time with the league showing everyone's feelings and reactions with the losses and grief#like they kinda zoomed past everyone's reactions to losing Compress and Kurogiri#I hate what Horikoshi did to the villains I'll curse him until my last breath#anyways#I had to play a round of smash with my Fiance to get that screenshot for the tv lol#we debated for a while on who they'd pick for characters#I feel confident in our picks tho#Tomura would tell Kurogiri to pick that version of Kirby bc it looks like him 🥺#kurogiri would not be good at video games#but he would definitely try#Yeah I cried at least 6 times drawing this fyi#anyways sorry for rambling I'm just back on my bullshit#enjoy the food#my art#bnha#mha#my hero academia#shigaraki tomura#tenko shimura#shiggy#bnha shigaraki#mha shigaraki#kurogiri#league of villains
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experiencing the horrors . save me lil guy from comic book. lil guy from comic book PLEASE
#rimi talks#genuinely kind of sad/upset i wont be able to do more than 1 MAYBE 2 fics for superfam week#bc this whole week and last week have been taken up by health bullshit and all i want ot do is sleep#i had plans. i had outlines. unfortunately i also had my stupid body betray me and now here we are :(#i had a doctors appt yesterday. and the day before. and i have one monday and one more that i haven't scheduled yet#i am. so tired y'all#and im extra tired of being in pain all the time. i have been in constant pain since wednesday at noon#it's a little funny i was texting my friend abt steel '94 and there is a timestamp visible for when i stopped responding#bc i was suddenly in too much pain to put words in order or even sit up straight at my laptop lmao#and luckily it HAS gone down like im not in so much pain i genuinely can't breathe anymore. no longer feel like im in danger of passing out#but i do still feel pretty damn bad and im so tired of it aouhghuhgghghhhhhhhhhh#comic book man save me (he can't bc i can't even fuckign write?? what's the POINT)
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Jon: I wasn't armed!
Alicent: Except with a rock.
Aemond: I still have the scar!
Jon: Which healed!
#so in this version: aemond claims vhagar but J & R knowing exactly what’s about to go down tried their best to avoid aemond going one eyed#this lead to jon figuring ‘hey what if idk— i do it and make it less extreme that at least the fighting will stop?’#bc rest assured; daddy daemon will defend his son until his dying breath. jon was just defending his stepmom’s memory and his little sister#aemond was clearly in the wrong and in daemon’s opinion got off easily by his account. especially when aemond left jon with a bloody nose#anyway the greens are still bitching about the incident in which jon was armed with a lil rock and aemond got a lil scar#pff wimps.#resonant by syndrossi#the last two bits were sent in by daemon obviously#he in fact did NOT lose his eye; he just gained a gnarly eyebrow scar. jon got a broken nose! in daemon’s opinion aemond deserved worse#house of the dragon#source: once upon a time#jon snow#jon targaryen#aemond targaryen#alicent hightower
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in stars and time is a good time loop game bc you rly feel Siffrin’s exhaustion, you start to skip through dialogue and lose touch with everyone as you try everything to win
majoras mask is a good time loop game bc you rly feel the anxiety and stress of trying to remember every little detail that will get reset every time you’re not fast enough
#i love both these games hi I was thinking abt them#majora stressed me out more bc the moon is falling brother#i can at least stop and breathe in isat#isat is so interesting bc it’s timed so well. i was speeding so fast in the last acts hahaha everyone out of my way !!! I’m going die again!#i turned on majora earlier and I was immediately stressed out like wait what do I do . what buttons ….. aughhhh
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WAIT i never complained abt my scheduling lol. still have not seen my actual boss more than that one five seconds and me and main coworker are supposed to work coverage out amongst ourselves bc thats more relevant fine and okay. but i ask her about what i should switch to going more part time and off of being Fulltime In Training and she says oh ill talk to [boss] about it. and then does and tells me oh [boss] wants to talk to u about that today or tomorrow.
she never does and shes never in her office so i dont hear anything by friday when i work w my second coworker. who i dont really think either of us vibes w the other lol weve been nice but im happy not to work w her. and the feeling is mutual bc she told me oh is this ur last friday i didnt think u were working [boss] told me u were going to be switching to mon-thru-thursday. OKAY? thats really funnily pointed but WHY DID SHE TELL U AND NOT MEEEEEEE. why cant i just know what im working more than two days in advance lolllllll. i am not made for this pwease.
#ITS ALSO ONE DAY MORE THAN I WAS PREPARED TO WORK. its fine but#another thing i havent been told: how long my shifts are supposed to be??? i just stay till the end of my main coworkers shifts bc#eventually ill have days by myself so i want to be used to what the last hour is like#but second coworker kicked me out early first time i worked w her (again: lol) bc i 'already worked my eight hours' WAS I SUPPOSED TO#KNOW IM ONLY SUPPOSED TO WORK EIGHT HOURS. no ones been stopping me but if i stay the last hour mon-thru-thursday#thatll put me over the 20-30 hours. like. halftime employment classification im in. am i getting anyone in trouble for that am i#wasting labor hours or something lol. I DONT KNOW. NO ONE TELLS ME ANYTHING#BWAHH!!!!!!!!!#i really wanted to be all set to like. approach my assertive communication properly from the start here lol i want to start#acting like im thirty but ive been thrown for such a loop since the first surprise shift and then had zero time to catch my breath and#a million other stressors that take up any energy or fucks i would have for chasing down answers kjsfg WHATEVER!!!!!#give me overtime and extra pay then <3 until anyone tells me otherwise
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anyway this week I leant on my therapist's shoulder and ugly cried for like 10 minutes and as I was leaving I was like 'don't give me that face' and she was like 'I'm just very proud of your progress!' and I'm like 😡😡😡😡😡 THANK YOU 😡😡😡😡😡
#red said#i have cried in therapy before but i am usually always very in control of it#it's a 'tears are running but I'm otherwise normal' kind of crying or occasionally a 'take several deep breaths to pull myself together'#but it's dumb though cause we've talked about some very dramatic shit just fine and today i was just talking about like#my dumb adolescent-type insecurities about not being the kind of Cool And Collected And Exciting Person i want to be#ooooorrrrrr from another angle about how I'm 31 and have built my entire self-conception around being a person Things Happen to#and now at 31 entire years old I'm suddenly trying to figure out what sort of person i am beyond someone who's like#good at being tough and reacting with grace and fortitude to Things Happening At Me.#because Things stopped Happening At Me so much like. 5 years ago now. I'm in a loving relationship i have a stable home#i have a middle class income and great friends and it's been over 6 years since the last time anyone raped me.#my health is better than its ever been. both physical and mental. i am safe and i am loved and i am good at my job#so i can't really keep operating on a self concept where the only thing that i value in myself is the ability to survive#bc like I'm NOT surviving I'm GOOD. i can get what i want and be who i want. what the FUCK do i WANT??????????????
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well🙂
#*visibly trying not to burst into tears* hey guys whats up#surprise surprise another absence bc my life can’t stop getting WORSE evry day it seems haha!#so. now who’s gonna tell me how u deal w the loss of ur fave person n the one person u were 100% certain truly loved u no matter what#who also inspired u to be an artist in the first place n who's been there for u ur ENTIRE life#like idk how to start dealing w it lmao. one min ill be basically okay n then the next ill feel like smthing just tore a chunk out of me#looked outside just a sec ago n thought “oh so she'll never see my progress in art. oh ill never get to make another painting for her”#n yk part of me just wants to pretend like none of it happened honestly#like “hey that was a fucked up dream oh well let me call [x] n tell them I love them”#n I dont fucking KNOW how to deal w this grief n idk whats normal n what isnt#no I havent cried rlly but almost every day I feel like I cant breathe n tht my chest is collapsing in on itself#no I cant talk abt it but i can’t draw like I used to n thinking abt my last art project makes me wanna throw up#< considering it was going to be a present for her tht she'll never get to see. Haha so funny right guys#fuck I need to get so entirely drunk over this now RELAPSING TIME BABY!!#anyways. will try to be normal tm n talk to ppl again instead of isolating as a way to cope n sorry to ppl who have msg'd me Ill be back
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@7iktor. . . 𝚅𝙸𝙺𝚃𝙾𝚁 𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙶𝚁𝙴𝙴𝚅𝙴𝚂.
❛ i wish i knew how to talk about it. ❜
the silence breaks as only the seventh could break it : short and sweet. he almost expected more, after so long, as if time had swallowed up the familiar cadence of this brother beside him already ; more volume, more noise, but the bar is quiet this time of day, daylight drifting dots past the windows that don't quite reach viktor. or maybe it's exactly what he expected, just less. . . solid. now, still, sure ; viktor used to inhabit an almost dear in headlights - like stocism that was likely medically induced in hindsight, but brittle. like a breeze would just blow him away.
but there viktor sits, body planted heavy in the booth, eyes unflinching, unthreatening. unthreatened. still viktor, just. . . more viktor. “ there aren't words for some things, ” he answers, careful, gaze subtle and searching. a wince, maybe. five may have helped kick them all to the space - time continuum curb more - so than the others, but every one of them left of their own accord. old habits. five doesn't know much, but he knows viktor wasn't exactly keen on visits, at least one - way. although, five wasn't so keen as to pay viktor a visit himself until now, was he ? “ i'm sorry i haven't really given you the opportunity to until now. ” words were more viktor's forte. you could fill a book with words five couldn't say. i know you were about to accidentally end the world, but i'm really sorry about that time i threatened to kill you and also ruined your life ? and that other time i threatened to kill you and ruined your life— what was it, three times ? riveting.
#@7iktor#𝐯⠀:⠀𝚒𝚌. . .⠀⠀give me time / i must be well.#sorry if this sucks my brain just conjured the open-ended threats they have leveled at each other throughout seasons#and the fact that they don't really know each other even if they used to and they didn't get the chance to re-know each other#Ever according to canon but idc and so i made five visit viktor's bar in canada :)#just. cannot stop thinking about how much viktor's entire life had been turned on its head in increasingly upsetting ways#(In Ways They Never Bring Up Again!!!)#more than even the others who Also had their lives turned upsidedown. without any room to Breathe until those 6 years. so not only#do they not know each other for time travel time apart reasons but also bc viktor is just finally getting to know himself too!#and he just felt so much more Real and Solid the last season in such a subtle way i thought was neat and touching to me :(#they r literally strangers who are brothers <3
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#sorry for being so afk recently#it probably won't change#i haven't had a calm moment since mid-December and it's starting to gnaw at my brain#and now the only irl place where I felt somewhat happy is falling apart bc of in-group-politics#it's so annoying#can't we just all breathe for a second?#can't everyone stop being passive aggressive assholes to each other for FIVE FUCKING MINUTES?#i don't want to pick sides#i don't want this stupid group to break apart#something has been feeling off since October and last week my friend and I finally put our finger on it#and BOY figuring it out has.not.helped.#meanwhile all I've been doing has been watching old races from the 90s#bc the only thing that makes my brain shut up at the moment is cars going vroom in a circle for 1.5hrs apparently#every irl interaction atm feels like walking on egg shells#and the only thing that's stopping me from crying every time i get home is just keeping myself busy and not thinking abt my life ever#anyway my insurance has blocked me from therapy for the next 3 years so that's great#.....i don't want to come on here and just complain but nothing has been going right recently.#maybe i'll be back to normal eventually but not at the moment#not for a while
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😷 just venting abt dumb health stuff, pay no mind
#i dont wanna go back to the doctors for my throat bc it was just test after test and absolutely no answer last time#i am/was in a lot of physical pain and it makes talking/eating/drinking and even breathing to some degree VERY uncomfortable#but after all that testing and 'investigating' a few years ago they just said it was probably in my head.#which is fair. my brain isnt good at functioning etc. but that doesnt actually help me when i am in pain#there is nothing VISIBLY wrong with my throat so they just threw it all under my ongoing mental health label i think#very clearly is an actual issue tho. a physical one. no matter the cause. bc its exacerbated by hayfever/colds/flu/recycled air/vomiting etc#i lost my voice for three months a few years back. that may have been a lot to do with my mental health. but the pain made it harder to talk#so i stopped trying to talk at one point and it all spiralled#i am very tired.
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There are few things worse, I think, than reading a call to action memoir that is so close to right but really should have been shelved for at least 5yrs before going to print so the author has time to learn enough to see all the false equivalencies that really hinder the point
#personal;#yeah fatphobia is bad but dont you dare act like people aren't asking disabled people to medically alter themselves every day???#you compare bariatric and gender affirming surgeries in such a way that makes the latter sound easy to get??#and in fact don't at ALL go into the struggles for transition care except for a nod at FL while comparing us (trans people)#to fat people like our lives are Much Easier instead of /oppressed by the same white colonial structures that enforce fatphobia/#but go off i guess#i was giving a lot of leeway when i was just side eyeing the comparisons with racism bc i'm not fat and i've not experienced enough racism#to say either way on those#but the MOMENT she started using trans and disabled comparisons i about lost it#and also randomly started calling it antisemitic (sure as much as it's violnt to all poc) in the last chapter with nothing supporting it#like you can tell it was written over the course of the last like 2 maybe 3 years without enough space to breathe#i have listened to a book on writing memoir so often i've got some of it all but memorized#and i agree that if it's more recent than a decade you're probably too close to be writing it#and this author's writing mostly about during pandemic times. this is more a journal and call to action than memoir#but its not polished enough to be a proper call to action bc there's not much it gives you to do other than 'stop dieting & dare to be fat'#which isn't an effective call to action when only those most harmed by fatphobia can act on it you know???#lots of complaints#3/10#edit: reiterting that i'm not saying it'#*it's not anti-semitic; just that a good published work of this kind doesn't make last second claims and certainly not ones#they haven't already explicitly supported in the text#i feel the need to clarify with the very very vocal rise of anti semitism esp in the left#like yes there are anti-Semitic ties. she didn't name them. just said 'they exist lol' and this went to print#great study in poor research slipping onto shelves bc topic matter is relevant
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dude...
#if I don't stop hyperfixating on my breathing... like... idfk how much longer i can live like this...#it's been happening since last august snd I'm so tired of it.....#it's not even only when I'm high anymore it's like... all the time#i just like.. stop automatically breathing once i think about it and it takes me *so* *fucking* *long* to start again#honestly I'm just typing this post to distract myself a bit and hopefully i just start breathing normally again but I'm still manually#breathing rn. and now im wondering what the normal amount of time in between breaths is and if I'm taking too long ??#i tried to time my breaths with N's but she's asleep so i know it's gonna be different than mine#hoooo boy wish me luck falling asleep this is so annoying!!!!#is this ocd??? I've had several ppl in the past year tell me they think I have it but thinking about it makes me spiral#but it would explain A Lot of my thoughts n habits#anyway. I'm very annoyed with myself rn i just want to breathe normally and not worry myself into panic attacks anymore#actually very worried about how bad my stress in general has been bc there's no way it's been good for my body#ok. time to snuggle up n try to fall asleep!! im v cold rn so i have to warm up before i hug N bc i don't want to wake her with my ice cold#skin lmao. i can't wait for it to be warmer so i don't have to worry/feel bad about that lol#OKAY BBYYYYEEE if you read these tags I'm so very sorry.#rAMbles
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is funny that im a vet student but i still cant have pets bc i still traumatized with my dog and cat's death even if one year and three months has passed. I think one thing im mourning the most is that i lost all my dog's pics and im habing problems to remember his face rn while after my last phone broke the past week now i dont have my cats's pic either
#me talking to my void#like my roomies have their pets but is not the same#i remember that i was the one who has to sacrifice my dog bc my older brother couldnt#i remember the have passed a whole night without sleep#hearing his breathing from the next room getting worse and worse#i remember the blood in his last hour i remember i had to leave him bc i couldnt stand it anymore and i was scared of be alone with him#i remember my brother and dad's complaints bc i wouldnt stop of cry#i remember the amounts of time i called the poor veterinary bc i was desesperate#i remember almost everything of his long death#how i hate myself for not be good enough#how it influenced me in my chosen career#but i cant remember his fucking face#i miss him so much
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...
#woof. if all goes to plan Tomorrow is the last day i have to take measurements forever. if all goes to plan. if all goes to plan. but im#not holding my breath bc thats asking for chaos. i think this week ive done a good job of not pushing it#in terms of not torturing myself and making myself insane. which is good bc its exhausting taking measurements with the ambient stress of#apartment hunting from across the country. ive toured 2 places from afar and applied to them. and im meeting with someone to talk abt#potentially being roommates tomorrow. which is terrifying bc i really just wanna beg them like pls pls like me so i can stop looking pls#like i have to rely on my charisma i guess when im a bit asocial and odd. not unlikable but idk maybe they want someone more normie idk#its exhausting. ive sent so many emails and so many places r like no u gotta physically visit. ugh#and i have to clean my whole apartment by Tuesday for my landlord to inspect bc i had to give them a 30 day notice or else they wouldn't#release my info for like referal on background checks. there should b flexibility in when i can leave tho. its just stressful#at least im doing this when im pretty stable and i stop taking measurements tomorrow but i haven't taken a break since last Saturday#and haven't really had time to properly draw which annoys me and apparently i wont get a break this weekend with all the cleaning i gotta do#but oh well. at least im better off than the other person i kno who is moving Tuesday across the country and currently doesnt have a place#to stay. so i guess theyre gonna b living out of their car for a while. im stressed enough a month out from leaving#sigh. im just v tired and my heart is beating too fast and i wanna start cleaning now but im sleepy#whenever we go sampling we joke that we have to make sacrifices to the weather gods for good conditions. i guess i gotta make sacrifices#to the housing gods 🙏 ugh. pls. i dont wanna still b doing this for another week when i wont have time bc ill actually have to focus on#things. ugh. cant wait to b in the future where i dont have to deal with this#unrelated
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anyone wanna reblog this and tell me in the tags what your current hyperfixation(s) is\are becuase i
#am having a category 7 autism moment over pipe organs#i do not remember the last time i opened up the wikipedia page for something to read recreationally#i initially sought out the list of the biggest ones (because large)and had to step down to the main page first because theres all this ling#and i wanna know what everything does#the music itself has to be a pretty specific vibe for me to like it bc if theyre not played a certain way it gets really cacophonous for me#but the instruments themselves are fucking monsters and playing them seems less like performing on a instrument#and more like harmonizing with a great beast#you start it with a key??#it takes all of your limbs and the thing is constantly breathing#the sound will continue for as long as you hold the note it will not dissipate???#you can record things and play them back it will even remember stop settings it has memory??#stops control how the pipes sound if youve ever heard of pulling out all the stops this is that#theyre like orchestras able to be played by a single person some of them even have voice sounds#the people who play these things are also their own type of beast#pipe organists are wild because god there's just so much#it scratches my loner badass complex so acutely#a lonely person shouldering an entire symphony contrasting against scores of people playing a single piece together as one#you could write an anime about this#did everyone else just already understand about these things or#blake.txt#good tags
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