#bc last time i stopped breathing
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Both my sisters bought wedding dresses.
I move in five days.
The anxiety is not good tonight, boys
#i tried to go for a run tonight#and immediately forgot what terrible asthma I have#literally only a 15 minute run had me wheezing#and that just made me anxious about the IV lab tomorrow#bc last time i stopped breathing#and theres like a 50 percent chance I'm going to react to this new drug#like what if i just didnt manage my chronic illnesses#and then i would not have to go through this guessing game#of what drugs im going to have severe allergic reactions to#i wish caroline wasn't 16 hours ahead of me#oh well#delete later#mr crisp
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He misses his dad.. 🥺
#I saw another fanart that made me cry so hard I threw up so I felt like I needed to hurt people too#I also haven't stopped thinking about how sad Tomura probably was when Kurogiri got captured#that was his REAL dad 😤#I would've loved to get more time with the league showing everyone's feelings and reactions with the losses and grief#like they kinda zoomed past everyone's reactions to losing Compress and Kurogiri#I hate what Horikoshi did to the villains I'll curse him until my last breath#anyways#I had to play a round of smash with my Fiance to get that screenshot for the tv lol#we debated for a while on who they'd pick for characters#I feel confident in our picks tho#Tomura would tell Kurogiri to pick that version of Kirby bc it looks like him 🥺#kurogiri would not be good at video games#but he would definitely try#Yeah I cried at least 6 times drawing this fyi#anyways sorry for rambling I'm just back on my bullshit#enjoy the food#my art#bnha#mha#my hero academia#shigaraki tomura#tenko shimura#shiggy#bnha shigaraki#mha shigaraki#kurogiri#league of villains
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experiencing the horrors . save me lil guy from comic book. lil guy from comic book PLEASE
#rimi talks#genuinely kind of sad/upset i wont be able to do more than 1 MAYBE 2 fics for superfam week#bc this whole week and last week have been taken up by health bullshit and all i want ot do is sleep#i had plans. i had outlines. unfortunately i also had my stupid body betray me and now here we are :(#i had a doctors appt yesterday. and the day before. and i have one monday and one more that i haven't scheduled yet#i am. so tired y'all#and im extra tired of being in pain all the time. i have been in constant pain since wednesday at noon#it's a little funny i was texting my friend abt steel '94 and there is a timestamp visible for when i stopped responding#bc i was suddenly in too much pain to put words in order or even sit up straight at my laptop lmao#and luckily it HAS gone down like im not in so much pain i genuinely can't breathe anymore. no longer feel like im in danger of passing out#but i do still feel pretty damn bad and im so tired of it aouhghuhgghghhhhhhhhhh#comic book man save me (he can't bc i can't even fuckign write?? what's the POINT)
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“You know, Damian’s half convinced you let it happen.” Tim scoffs. “Sounds like him.” “Not like that. He’s different now, he wouldn’t say that.” “What the hell else am I supposed to think?” “You confronted Azrael alone, in civvies, after he’d already beaten you up once just for getting in his way. Is it that much of a stretch for Damian to think you might have had a death wish?” “I didn’t have a death wish.” Steph gives him a long look. "Sure."
missed posting my annual november reverse robins timsteph angst so to make up for it here's an even angstier than usual painting from this AU <3 more coming soon hopefully!!
#tim drake#reverse robins#ev sketches#tw implied suicide#(in the knowingly putting yourself in a very very dangerous situation but not consciously or personally killing yourself kind of way)#if i had the skill and the motivation this was gonna be two panels bc this is what damian discovers when he books it to the cave#he and tim bond for the first time when tim is like all of my friends and family are dead you are literally my last choice.#but can you help me with this azrael thing. do NOT tell bruce he wants to retire and i can't take that from him.#trying to shield him from this has nothing to do with my dad very recently dying because of me being a vigilante btw.#and damian's like this is a bad idea and he's very obviously unwell and injured and we do hate each other but like. yeah. fuck bruce rn.#he literally hired this insane person to be interrim batman over me so yeah sure let's team up.#and then they hang out for a while and having a common enemy is awesome and bitching about bruce to someone who gets it is kind of. great?#and damian's like wow maybe it's not too late to have a relationship with this kid (my future brother????)#so they make plans to stop azrael and fix everything without even calling bruce once and they're like wow we make a good team!#like a day before they put that plan in action azbats kills someone very publicly#and damian is like oh god tim (very mentally ill) is about to do something so stupid.#and he is! but damian is in bludhaven when he hears the news so. too late. :(#when tim gets resurrected he's blind in one eye (azrael's sword) and can't always breathe right (died from blood in lungs)#he does not get the jason lazarus pit dunk 😔#at least not right away 😈#rr tag
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Jon: I wasn't armed!
Alicent: Except with a rock.
Aemond: I still have the scar!
Jon: Which healed!
#so in this version: aemond claims vhagar but J & R knowing exactly what’s about to go down tried their best to avoid aemond going one eyed#this lead to jon figuring ‘hey what if idk— i do it and make it less extreme that at least the fighting will stop?’#bc rest assured; daddy daemon will defend his son until his dying breath. jon was just defending his stepmom’s memory and his little sister#aemond was clearly in the wrong and in daemon’s opinion got off easily by his account. especially when aemond left jon with a bloody nose#anyway the greens are still bitching about the incident in which jon was armed with a lil rock and aemond got a lil scar#pff wimps.#resonant by syndrossi#the last two bits were sent in by daemon obviously#he in fact did NOT lose his eye; he just gained a gnarly eyebrow scar. jon got a broken nose! in daemon’s opinion aemond deserved worse#house of the dragon#source: once upon a time#jon snow#jon targaryen#aemond targaryen#alicent hightower
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in stars and time is a good time loop game bc you rly feel Siffrin’s exhaustion, you start to skip through dialogue and lose touch with everyone as you try everything to win
majoras mask is a good time loop game bc you rly feel the anxiety and stress of trying to remember every little detail that will get reset every time you’re not fast enough
#i love both these games hi I was thinking abt them#majora stressed me out more bc the moon is falling brother#i can at least stop and breathe in isat#isat is so interesting bc it’s timed so well. i was speeding so fast in the last acts hahaha everyone out of my way !!! I’m going die again!#i turned on majora earlier and I was immediately stressed out like wait what do I do . what buttons ….. aughhhh
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WAIT i never complained abt my scheduling lol. still have not seen my actual boss more than that one five seconds and me and main coworker are supposed to work coverage out amongst ourselves bc thats more relevant fine and okay. but i ask her about what i should switch to going more part time and off of being Fulltime In Training and she says oh ill talk to [boss] about it. and then does and tells me oh [boss] wants to talk to u about that today or tomorrow.
she never does and shes never in her office so i dont hear anything by friday when i work w my second coworker. who i dont really think either of us vibes w the other lol weve been nice but im happy not to work w her. and the feeling is mutual bc she told me oh is this ur last friday i didnt think u were working [boss] told me u were going to be switching to mon-thru-thursday. OKAY? thats really funnily pointed but WHY DID SHE TELL U AND NOT MEEEEEEE. why cant i just know what im working more than two days in advance lolllllll. i am not made for this pwease.
#ITS ALSO ONE DAY MORE THAN I WAS PREPARED TO WORK. its fine but#another thing i havent been told: how long my shifts are supposed to be??? i just stay till the end of my main coworkers shifts bc#eventually ill have days by myself so i want to be used to what the last hour is like#but second coworker kicked me out early first time i worked w her (again: lol) bc i 'already worked my eight hours' WAS I SUPPOSED TO#KNOW IM ONLY SUPPOSED TO WORK EIGHT HOURS. no ones been stopping me but if i stay the last hour mon-thru-thursday#thatll put me over the 20-30 hours. like. halftime employment classification im in. am i getting anyone in trouble for that am i#wasting labor hours or something lol. I DONT KNOW. NO ONE TELLS ME ANYTHING#BWAHH!!!!!!!!!#i really wanted to be all set to like. approach my assertive communication properly from the start here lol i want to start#acting like im thirty but ive been thrown for such a loop since the first surprise shift and then had zero time to catch my breath and#a million other stressors that take up any energy or fucks i would have for chasing down answers kjsfg WHATEVER!!!!!#give me overtime and extra pay then <3 until anyone tells me otherwise
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omw to school now chat!! 😸
#Mini vent bc im not ok haha:#So i literally cant stop shaking and ws barely able to breathe when i ws getting ready + ws hyperventilating the whole time.#Feel about a split second away from starting to cry again.#Mother left like 5 minutes before the taxi ws meant to get here bc she had to bring cat to the vet.#So she ws js like 'sorry i cant help :[ oh btw you gotta get ur shit together in <5min for school bye' which. Um. Yeah.#So i had about 3 minutes of breakdown time before i had to get my shit together and now i gotta sit through 6 hours of random bs probably w#a bunch of catch up work bc i wasnt in last week when we properly went back. So ive missed like 3 days worth of lessons.#So 6 hours worth of random bs + extra catch up work (besides the fact im also behind in a bunch of shit anyways bc i joined the class late.#& i'll probably have a thousand and one teachers 'checking on' me. All they want to hear is just another fucking lie of me saying im ok bc#Im too much of a fucking burden to not be. Even if i say im not ok the most ill probably fucking get is a shitty cup of tea and 5 minutes t#sit in the hall being gawked at for having the audacity to not be ok.#Spooks isnt in today. My other friend might be? Crimson might be? And Star might be? So idfk.#I dont want to make fake fucking conversation i dont really want to talk ever or do anything.#I dont feel able to exist right now. But i cant not?? So! Hn. Guess its fucking school instead.#Um. Yeah. Sorry?( I guess? Not really.) For this chat.#See you guys later.
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anyway this week I leant on my therapist's shoulder and ugly cried for like 10 minutes and as I was leaving I was like 'don't give me that face' and she was like 'I'm just very proud of your progress!' and I'm like 😡😡😡😡😡 THANK YOU 😡😡😡😡😡
#red said#i have cried in therapy before but i am usually always very in control of it#it's a 'tears are running but I'm otherwise normal' kind of crying or occasionally a 'take several deep breaths to pull myself together'#but it's dumb though cause we've talked about some very dramatic shit just fine and today i was just talking about like#my dumb adolescent-type insecurities about not being the kind of Cool And Collected And Exciting Person i want to be#ooooorrrrrr from another angle about how I'm 31 and have built my entire self-conception around being a person Things Happen to#and now at 31 entire years old I'm suddenly trying to figure out what sort of person i am beyond someone who's like#good at being tough and reacting with grace and fortitude to Things Happening At Me.#because Things stopped Happening At Me so much like. 5 years ago now. I'm in a loving relationship i have a stable home#i have a middle class income and great friends and it's been over 6 years since the last time anyone raped me.#my health is better than its ever been. both physical and mental. i am safe and i am loved and i am good at my job#so i can't really keep operating on a self concept where the only thing that i value in myself is the ability to survive#bc like I'm NOT surviving I'm GOOD. i can get what i want and be who i want. what the FUCK do i WANT??????????????
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it's always something. PLEASE can i just go One single day without there being Something
#vent post#cw injury mention#cw shooting mention#don't know why i keep getting involved in these political debates with an old ignorant drunkard. i'd be better off talking to a brick wall#i say 'talking' as if he ever lets me get a word in edgewise. he just wants a Nice Quiet Woman to complain to. not a real conversation.#can't believe i spent 2hrs last night trying to explain basic facts about the universe and evolution when he probably remembered none of it#not to quote Dr. Ratio in a vent post but. the most annoying thing about idiocy Truly is that you can't explain it to an idiot#'i am a STRAIGHT MAN 😡😡😡 how do you expect me to give you a QUEER answer???' bro all i did was ask why u don't like gay ppl.. chill...#'well in BibLIcaL tiMeS-' man u just ranted abt how ur atheist & don't believe in the bible. u can't turn around and use it in an argument#so we somehow went from fictional stories to The Gays to religion to outer space to the birth of the universe to evolution to currency#and when he started in on China & covid i simply had to walk away. i can't listen to any more of his regurgitated propaganda conspiracies#oh and how can i forget the tangent he went off on about his beloved guns after the Antioch shooting yesterday! that took 30mins at least#i did read the kid's manifesto and lowkey wish i hadn't because Jesus Fucking Christ i'm so worried about the state of children online#i really do love the internet and the countless good things it has brought into the world and into my own life#but i didn't have access to it until i was.. 11 i think? and the internet was a Very different place in 2011 than it is in the 2020s#worst i did was watch clickbait YT videos about mermaids being real. now 9 year-olds are getting radicalized on Twitch???#idk i'm so 'old' and out of the loop now. i barely recognized like half of those words he used. but god i'm worried sick for the kids.#anyways. all last night's 'debate' accomplished was me getting told that my fiction writing doesn't do anything good for the world#and got reminded that being gay is a mental illness. :) and that he doesn't trust in science. or anything logical for that matter#he's just gonna keep saying the same bullshit he was raised to believe without a single critical thought as to whether it was correct#i'm done trying to find common ground with someone like that. waste of my precious time. i could be playing a video game lmao#anyways later that evening i accidentally sustained some burns to my left hand. and i am totally fine. but i was too tired to clean & wrap-#-it up before i fell asleep. so i woke up hours later panicked from a nightmare with my hand fucking throbbing and my mom standing over me#in her own little panic because she didn't check her fucking pants pockets and accidentally washed her flip phone and it was. well. soaked.#so i got to spend all morning taking it apart in hopes of salvaging it so i don't have to hassle with moving her number to a new one!!!#then poured hydrogen peroxide all over my burned hand Knowing it wasn't the best idea but i. did it anyways bc my hubris cannot be stopped#and holy shit that didn't feel good! had to keep reminding myself to breathe or i was gonna pass out lmao that shit made my joints hurt#how does a skin wound ache all the way down to the bone. anyways. it's wrapped now and i'm Alllll better :) no mental illness in This body#anyways thanks to that i got out of making dinner and doing the dishes! and i got a burger and fries and am dipping them in ice cream#the fries not the burger im not that unhinged. anyways now im gonna boot up Genshin and try to turn my tired little brain off for the night
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well🙂
#*visibly trying not to burst into tears* hey guys whats up#surprise surprise another absence bc my life can’t stop getting WORSE evry day it seems haha!#so. now who’s gonna tell me how u deal w the loss of ur fave person n the one person u were 100% certain truly loved u no matter what#who also inspired u to be an artist in the first place n who's been there for u ur ENTIRE life#like idk how to start dealing w it lmao. one min ill be basically okay n then the next ill feel like smthing just tore a chunk out of me#looked outside just a sec ago n thought “oh so she'll never see my progress in art. oh ill never get to make another painting for her”#n yk part of me just wants to pretend like none of it happened honestly#like “hey that was a fucked up dream oh well let me call [x] n tell them I love them”#n I dont fucking KNOW how to deal w this grief n idk whats normal n what isnt#no I havent cried rlly but almost every day I feel like I cant breathe n tht my chest is collapsing in on itself#no I cant talk abt it but i can’t draw like I used to n thinking abt my last art project makes me wanna throw up#< considering it was going to be a present for her tht she'll never get to see. Haha so funny right guys#fuck I need to get so entirely drunk over this now RELAPSING TIME BABY!!#anyways. will try to be normal tm n talk to ppl again instead of isolating as a way to cope n sorry to ppl who have msg'd me Ill be back
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Every day, I meditate on my anger and bitterness. I reflect on my seemingly bottomless need to ruminate on all the people who have abused and traumatized me starting from a young age. The unfairness of it all. The senselessness. I grieve for myself as a little girl who desperately wanted to be love and be loved, and whose desperation was like blood in water to sharks.
I send quiet internal prayers out to the universe and ask it to lessen my anger, because I truly don't think I need it anymore. I'm safe from harmful people for arguably the first time in my entire life. I have friends and family whom I love. I have cultivated a sense of self-love so all-encompassing that no other person will likely ever be able to rival it. I am safe. I'm okay. I'm happy. I don't need my anger anymore.
I reflect on how to this day my mother, who I had to cut off for my own sanity, is a bitter, miserable woman now in her 60s. How eerily my personality and potential echo hers. Her and I both were deeply wounded over and over, starting at young ages by our mothers. We both jump to rage when we are hurt, we both ruminate endlessly about those who hurt us, replaying the painful mental movies over and over again, hurting ourselves long after the harmful people have gone.
I see her in me, and I see what I have the potential to become if I don't release my resentment. It's hard to let go of something that has kept you safe in the past. My anger has time and time again scared off abusers, once they realize it makes me too unstable, unpredictable, and therefore difficult to control.
But I don't need it right now. It's best to internally send well wishes to all who have hurt me, because it takes someone equally hurt and dysfunctional to mistreat others. The only way I don't end up as one of them, to not end up a carbon copy of my mother, is to let the resentment go.
I've undertaken several self/life improvement projects that will hopefully bear fruit in early 2025. Not jinxing anything by talking about it yet, but I'm excited. I'm ready to look towards the future and leave my past where it belongs, and I do this with love and acceptance.
#personal#anger#the belief that my anger is still protecting me has been limiting me a lot#i may need to call on it again someday but it's not likely#because i have the experience and knowledge to recognize emotionally & physically unsafe people from a mile away now#but in the event that i let another one get near me again i can yield it like a weapon and then put it away once I'm safe again#my mom keeps her anger unsheathed at all times and it's made her sick and unstable and unhappy#what I've been through in the last year has given me so much compassion for her bc I finally understood that she acted the way she did#bc she has been in immeasurable unhealed emotional pain her entire life#it doesn't excuse it. it's still her responsibility as an adult to go to therapy and stop unloading on everything and everyone#but i realize now that she wasn't just torturing and abusing me for fun. she did love me deeply. but she was not in control of herself#i feel pity for her because i now understand first-hand how deep main mixed with a sensitive nervous system#transforms you into someone you're not#i don't know if she'll ever seek the help she needs but i finally feel i can forgive her from a distance#one thing is for sure we do not have free will lmao#it takes an enormous amount of awareness to cross the threshold of unconsciousness we live most of our lives in#i flit in and out of this unconsciousness all the time and it takes work#tonight i feel i have clarity but tomorrow my neurotransmitters might feel like firing off in anger again#all i can do is catch myself in it and breathe and remind myself of who i don't want to be#and most importantly who i want to become
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@7iktor. . . 𝚅𝙸𝙺𝚃𝙾𝚁 𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙶𝚁𝙴𝙴𝚅𝙴𝚂.
❛ i wish i knew how to talk about it. ❜
the silence breaks as only the seventh could break it : short and sweet. he almost expected more, after so long, as if time had swallowed up the familiar cadence of this brother beside him already ; more volume, more noise, but the bar is quiet this time of day, daylight drifting dots past the windows that don't quite reach viktor. or maybe it's exactly what he expected, just less. . . solid. now, still, sure ; viktor used to inhabit an almost dear in headlights - like stocism that was likely medically induced in hindsight, but brittle. like a breeze would just blow him away.
but there viktor sits, body planted heavy in the booth, eyes unflinching, unthreatening. unthreatened. still viktor, just. . . more viktor. “ there aren't words for some things, ” he answers, careful, gaze subtle and searching. a wince, maybe. five may have helped kick them all to the space - time continuum curb more - so than the others, but every one of them left of their own accord. old habits. five doesn't know much, but he knows viktor wasn't exactly keen on visits, at least one - way. although, five wasn't so keen as to pay viktor a visit himself until now, was he ? “ i'm sorry i haven't really given you the opportunity to until now. ” words were more viktor's forte. you could fill a book with words five couldn't say. i know you were about to accidentally end the world, but i'm really sorry about that time i threatened to kill you and also ruined your life ? and that other time i threatened to kill you and ruined your life— what was it, three times ? riveting.
#@7iktor#𝐯⠀:⠀𝚒𝚌. . .⠀⠀give me time / i must be well.#sorry if this sucks my brain just conjured the open-ended threats they have leveled at each other throughout seasons#and the fact that they don't really know each other even if they used to and they didn't get the chance to re-know each other#Ever according to canon but idc and so i made five visit viktor's bar in canada :)#just. cannot stop thinking about how much viktor's entire life had been turned on its head in increasingly upsetting ways#(In Ways They Never Bring Up Again!!!)#more than even the others who Also had their lives turned upsidedown. without any room to Breathe until those 6 years. so not only#do they not know each other for time travel time apart reasons but also bc viktor is just finally getting to know himself too!#and he just felt so much more Real and Solid the last season in such a subtle way i thought was neat and touching to me :(#they r literally strangers who are brothers <3
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#sorry for being so afk recently#it probably won't change#i haven't had a calm moment since mid-December and it's starting to gnaw at my brain#and now the only irl place where I felt somewhat happy is falling apart bc of in-group-politics#it's so annoying#can't we just all breathe for a second?#can't everyone stop being passive aggressive assholes to each other for FIVE FUCKING MINUTES?#i don't want to pick sides#i don't want this stupid group to break apart#something has been feeling off since October and last week my friend and I finally put our finger on it#and BOY figuring it out has.not.helped.#meanwhile all I've been doing has been watching old races from the 90s#bc the only thing that makes my brain shut up at the moment is cars going vroom in a circle for 1.5hrs apparently#every irl interaction atm feels like walking on egg shells#and the only thing that's stopping me from crying every time i get home is just keeping myself busy and not thinking abt my life ever#anyway my insurance has blocked me from therapy for the next 3 years so that's great#.....i don't want to come on here and just complain but nothing has been going right recently.#maybe i'll be back to normal eventually but not at the moment#not for a while
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😷 just venting abt dumb health stuff, pay no mind
#i dont wanna go back to the doctors for my throat bc it was just test after test and absolutely no answer last time#i am/was in a lot of physical pain and it makes talking/eating/drinking and even breathing to some degree VERY uncomfortable#but after all that testing and 'investigating' a few years ago they just said it was probably in my head.#which is fair. my brain isnt good at functioning etc. but that doesnt actually help me when i am in pain#there is nothing VISIBLY wrong with my throat so they just threw it all under my ongoing mental health label i think#very clearly is an actual issue tho. a physical one. no matter the cause. bc its exacerbated by hayfever/colds/flu/recycled air/vomiting etc#i lost my voice for three months a few years back. that may have been a lot to do with my mental health. but the pain made it harder to talk#so i stopped trying to talk at one point and it all spiralled#i am very tired.
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There are few things worse, I think, than reading a call to action memoir that is so close to right but really should have been shelved for at least 5yrs before going to print so the author has time to learn enough to see all the false equivalencies that really hinder the point
#personal;#yeah fatphobia is bad but dont you dare act like people aren't asking disabled people to medically alter themselves every day???#you compare bariatric and gender affirming surgeries in such a way that makes the latter sound easy to get??#and in fact don't at ALL go into the struggles for transition care except for a nod at FL while comparing us (trans people)#to fat people like our lives are Much Easier instead of /oppressed by the same white colonial structures that enforce fatphobia/#but go off i guess#i was giving a lot of leeway when i was just side eyeing the comparisons with racism bc i'm not fat and i've not experienced enough racism#to say either way on those#but the MOMENT she started using trans and disabled comparisons i about lost it#and also randomly started calling it antisemitic (sure as much as it's violnt to all poc) in the last chapter with nothing supporting it#like you can tell it was written over the course of the last like 2 maybe 3 years without enough space to breathe#i have listened to a book on writing memoir so often i've got some of it all but memorized#and i agree that if it's more recent than a decade you're probably too close to be writing it#and this author's writing mostly about during pandemic times. this is more a journal and call to action than memoir#but its not polished enough to be a proper call to action bc there's not much it gives you to do other than 'stop dieting & dare to be fat'#which isn't an effective call to action when only those most harmed by fatphobia can act on it you know???#lots of complaints#3/10#edit: reiterting that i'm not saying it'#*it's not anti-semitic; just that a good published work of this kind doesn't make last second claims and certainly not ones#they haven't already explicitly supported in the text#i feel the need to clarify with the very very vocal rise of anti semitism esp in the left#like yes there are anti-Semitic ties. she didn't name them. just said 'they exist lol' and this went to print#great study in poor research slipping onto shelves bc topic matter is relevant
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