#good at being tough and reacting with grace and fortitude to Things Happening At Me. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

thedreadvampy · 7 months ago

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anyway this week I leant on my therapist's shoulder and ugly cried for like 10 minutes and as I was leaving I was like 'don't give me that face' and she was like 'I'm just very proud of your progress!' and I'm like 😡😡😡😡😡 THANK YOU 😡😡😡😡😡

#red said #i have cried in therapy before but i am usually always very in control of it #it's a 'tears are running but I'm otherwise normal' kind of crying or occasionally a 'take several deep breaths to pull myself together'#but it's dumb though cause we've talked about some very dramatic shit just fine and today i was just talking about like #my dumb adolescent-type insecurities about not being the kind of Cool And Collected And Exciting Person i want to be #ooooorrrrrr from another angle about how I'm 31 and have built my entire self-conception around being a person Things Happen to #and now at 31 entire years old I'm suddenly trying to figure out what sort of person i am beyond someone who's like #good at being tough and reacting with grace and fortitude to Things Happening At Me.#because Things stopped Happening At Me so much like. 5 years ago now. I'm in a loving relationship i have a stable home #i have a middle class income and great friends and it's been over 6 years since the last time anyone raped me.#my health is better than its ever been. both physical and mental. i am safe and i am loved and i am good at my job #so i can't really keep operating on a self concept where the only thing that i value in myself is the ability to survive #bc like I'm NOT surviving I'm GOOD. i can get what i want and be who i want. what the FUCK do i WANT??????????????

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