#bc she has been in immeasurable unhealed emotional pain her entire life | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

novadreii · 1 day ago

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Every day, I meditate on my anger and bitterness. I reflect on my seemingly bottomless need to ruminate on all the people who have abused and traumatized me starting from a young age. The unfairness of it all. The senselessness. I grieve for myself as a little girl who desperately wanted to be love and be loved, and whose desperation was like blood in water to sharks.

I send quiet internal prayers out to the universe and ask it to lessen my anger, because I truly don't think I need it anymore. I'm safe from harmful people for arguably the first time in my entire life. I have friends and family whom I love. I have cultivated a sense of self-love so all-encompassing that no other person will likely ever be able to rival it. I am safe. I'm okay. I'm happy. I don't need my anger anymore.

I reflect on how to this day my mother, who I had to cut off for my own sanity, is a bitter, miserable woman now in her 60s. How eerily my personality and potential echo hers. Her and I both were deeply wounded over and over, starting at young ages by our mothers. We both jump to rage when we are hurt, we both ruminate endlessly about those who hurt us, replaying the painful mental movies over and over again, hurting ourselves long after the harmful people have gone.

I see her in me, and I see what I have the potential to become if I don't release my resentment. It's hard to let go of something that has kept you safe in the past. My anger has time and time again scared off abusers, once they realize it makes me too unstable, unpredictable, and therefore difficult to control.

But I don't need it right now. It's best to internally send well wishes to all who have hurt me, because it takes someone equally hurt and dysfunctional to mistreat others. The only way I don't end up as one of them, to not end up a carbon copy of my mother, is to let the resentment go.

I've undertaken several self/life improvement projects that will hopefully bear fruit in early 2025. Not jinxing anything by talking about it yet, but I'm excited. I'm ready to look towards the future and leave my past where it belongs, and I do this with love and acceptance.

#personal #anger #the belief that my anger is still protecting me has been limiting me a lot #i may need to call on it again someday but it's not likely #because i have the experience and knowledge to recognize emotionally & physically unsafe people from a mile away now #but in the event that i let another one get near me again i can yield it like a weapon and then put it away once I'm safe again #my mom keeps her anger unsheathed at all times and it's made her sick and unstable and unhappy #what I've been through in the last year has given me so much compassion for her bc I finally understood that she acted the way she did #bc she has been in immeasurable unhealed emotional pain her entire life #it doesn't excuse it. it's still her responsibility as an adult to go to therapy and stop unloading on everything and everyone #but i realize now that she wasn't just torturing and abusing me for fun. she did love me deeply. but she was not in control of herself #i feel pity for her because i now understand first-hand how deep main mixed with a sensitive nervous system #transforms you into someone you're not #i don't know if she'll ever seek the help she needs but i finally feel i can forgive her from a distance #one thing is for sure we do not have free will lmao #it takes an enormous amount of awareness to cross the threshold of unconsciousness we live most of our lives in #i flit in and out of this unconsciousness all the time and it takes work #tonight i feel i have clarity but tomorrow my neurotransmitters might feel like firing off in anger again #all i can do is catch myself in it and breathe and remind myself of who i don't want to be #and most importantly who i want to become

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