#bc ive had to do that kind of thing a few times and
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subwayfloorlicker1978 · 1 day ago
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every single time i try to speculate on what jax’s “big bad secret” is going to be revealed as later in the story i get stuck. repeatedly.
like okay. if you haven’t noticed, goose has been foreshadowing this like a lot. the little detail of jax having keys that can open any door that seems a LITTLE too specific for it to just be a one-off thing. the clear implication that jax’s room is supposed to hold a secret of some kind (cough the pins). on her list of content warnings for tadc she literally put “jax” as one of the warnings. (presumably as a half joke but she’s very monotone so im not really sure.) apparently he “likes a lot of things he’s not willing to admit”, which is ominous as hell?? his dynamic with pomni is MESSY now apparently.
so my guess is that he’s going to do something absolutely, completely unforgivable in the future. or something really bad happens related to him or something idk. SOMETHING related to him contains dark themes, but the more i think about how the environment of the digital circus works, the more confusing it gets.
like. okay well he can’t exactly kill any of his castmates so that’s sort of out of the question. can he make someone abstract? possibly. maybe that’s what happened to queenie… but i think the rest of the cast would be WAY more unforgiving/cold to him if that actually happened. so probably not. i think with what we know now, maybe he could realistically set caine off so badly that it results in like… super dire consequences. like maybe the world starts glitching out and makes someone abstract bc of it or something. eyedeekay!
it’s also difficult too bc there’s so much we still don’t really know about the circus. like before episode 3 we had absolutely no idea that caine’s emotional state affected the “structural integrity” of the circus i guess.
also… and i know people are gonna disagree with me on this… i do not think we know enough about jax to have an “in character” image of him in our heads. like yeah his surface level traits are there but we really don’t know a lot about him. like at all. i think the closest we’ve ever been shown to “the real jax” (excluding the crumbs that goose has given us) are those scenes in episode 1 where he breaks character a little bit and looks super tired as if he’s putting up a facade. which i DO think he is, it’s just that his motivations are super important too and we’re completely unaware of what he’s actually planning on doing later on….
also extra note before i finish my silly rant. goose said on twitter that she saw a piece of fanart for tadc that mirrors something that happens later on in the story and ive seen quite a few pieces on the tumblr front page for the #tadc hashtag that depict jax abstracting …so. idk if its gonna happen though teehee. okay bye guys.
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queen-schadenfreude · 2 days ago
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now that I've finished datv.. i have some first pass thoughts
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spolers below
first of all why is this game trying so hard to rehabilitate in-universe controversial aspects? I mean like. Slavery in Tevinter. It's swept under the rug with a few lukewarm platitudes and codices about how it's being addressed off-screen. Previous games have established how horrific it is, but the tevinter we see in veilguard doesn't reflect that at all. it feels dismissive of a lot of major setting and character development. Same with the antivan crows! they were described as a brutal, cruel organization but now they're the underdog protectors? Sure, there was family drama and a few mentions of how cut-throat things HAD been before, but we don't get to *see* any of that. illario was weak as an example of this bc he was the only thing to be shown as bad. There's no tangible impact.
it seems like a feeble attempt to make sure the players understand that the writers do not condone the unsavory aspects of the setting and characters, while making everything a Teachable Moment. honestly half of the game felt like a psa on extremely basic ethics, like surface-level shit children already know.
on top of that, idk why the game is trying so hard to therapize the player via companions' emotional journeys. The extremely basic and direct "your feelings matter and it's okay to feel your feelings! " scenarios were so repetitive and cringe. Sesame street level bullshit. am i crazy for expecting a more mature and nuanced approach to emotional struggle??? I swear previous games were better at this
also fuck all of southern thedas, it's cooked. hope yall didn't care!
Anyway.
ive only played through Neve's romance and i chose her bc she talks and acts like an adult and not a flustered teenager like harding, or a quirky mpdg like bellara. I liked it, it was fine. no strong feelings about it tho.
I didnt consider Taash as a romance option bc they act like a petulant child most of the time and that's just not fun for me.. and I don't love that Taash seems more like a prop for Gender Ideology 101 rather than being a fully complex character who is working through a gender identity crisis. I am not trans and cannot fully speak to this but as someone who knows more than the absolute basics of gender ideology, their story felt patronizing.
the boys are... fine, I guess. I wrecked treviso so I think i got locked out of some Lucanis stuff but his possession just isn't as compelling as previous characters who have been possessed. Davrin is fine, inoffensive. Emmerich is funny I do like him, Manfred is delightful.
I played as an elf bc I hoped it'd be extra relevant to the story, what with the Big Bad(s) being evanuris. it didn't matter at all. the crossroads doesn't even look different for an elf character like it did in Trespasser.
I expected everything to drive torward making Solas out to being a Good Guy Actually, and it kind of did. but super aggravating for have phantom varric to say that after being actually murdered by him like damn!! you are just gonna let that guy walk all over you bc yall were friends for a short while a decade ago. Where was that sympathy for Anders??
varric being a figment of rook's imagination the whole time was a fun reveal, tho.
siiigghhh. but listen. there were things I liked about the game, too. the gameplay is fun. the environments are GORGEOUS. the characters look good, i think the art style is fine actually. the character creator is great (except those qunari fiveheads RIP)
a lot of the banter and jokes did genuinely make me laugh, and i did like exploring maps and interacting with the new companions generally.
I havent given a lot of thought to it but I think a lot of the plot-related issues i have could've been solved by just setting the game like, 100 years in the future. All of the questionable and unsavory aspects of the cultures the game tries SO hard to diminish and write off would've had time to be organically rectified in-universe. I guess.
well. whatever.
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isaaagloom · 2 days ago
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BEEN SOOOO INACTIVE ON TUMBLR BC OF THE NEW SEASON AND AARRGGRGRGRHDN (obvious warning for spoilers!!!! s2 act1)
ive rewatched the breakup scene 14 times in total i think. this is terrible.
in that time ive noticed things about it that just make it SO much more sad OH MY GOD I HATW THEMMMMM.
i really like how even with how upset jayce is with viktor, he never once talks over him!!! like he was so so focused on hearing everything viktor said:(( this isn’t limited to just the breakup scene, basically every jayvik focused scene is like this!!! jayce always seems so focused on everything viktor says, even small things like how hes feeling. DO WE REMEMBER THE UNCHARTED WATERS SCENE???
two, its obvious that now, coming back, viktor has a very different attitude towards everything. he seems tired, a lot quieter, and even less energetic than s1.. somehow. but he still makes an effort to look up at jayce / look jayce in the eye when he’s saying things!!! when he’s explaining how he’s not exactly cold, just feeling like something’s uncomfortable, he still looks at him in the eyes as hes talking
i really hate pointing out the obvious on rant posts like these but ARGRGGG the whole point of their “breakup” was that they were at colliding points. viktor had spent basically all of s1 working on hextech and risking his life honestly just to help jayce and keep working, there was no reason for viktor to keep doing that other than that he loved jayce. and now in s2, jayce is ready to give up the council just to help viktor. this was clearly a last minute decision, something he realized he needed to do only after the hexcore bonded itself to viktor to save him!! sure it was done out of love and affection to viktor and wanting to help him, but it was only done when things hit rock bottom for viktor (almost dying from jinxs council bomb)
may be reaching but i saw someone say that viktor and jayce were mirroring judas and jesus and that theres some kind of religious symbolism there (there DEFINITELY is with viktor, but idk if its a reach to say that with viktor and jayce)
ok rant post over!!!!!!!! i may reblog this in a few days or whenever act2 comes out and we get more jayvik content ^_^
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everyonesadoptivedad · 5 months ago
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sketch dump from one of my favorite moments :> ✨
((done listening to this ))
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orcelito · 1 month ago
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Considering the. Ahem. Ways this year has gone, I've not been thinking about it all that much, but. I did start this year with the motto of Year Of Unfucking My Life. With a few goals involved in that.
I got an official adhd diagnosis, as well as a diagnosis for PCOS. Other diagnoses in progress. Gotten adhd meds and birth control to regulate periods. I've gone back to school and I'm keeping up with it better than ever before. I've even been working on practicing driving, something I've been largely neglecting since I first got my driving permit, um... 11 years ago...
I just need to actually Get my license. And I need to get it before the end of the year. If I can accomplish that, then I'll say the Year Of Unfucking My Life was successful.
#speculation nation#i had some pretty major negative And positive influences for this goal of mine.#primary negative influence of course being my dad abruptly dying.#but that also led to the primary positive influence of the life insurance payout that's letting me just focus on school for my final year.#it's like a monkey's paw curl kind of moment. i got a genuinely astounding amount of money#more than enough to live off for a year+ and pay off the rest of my schooling.#with this i have finally exited the purgatory of part time school full time work to pay my way through school#a setup that led to endless stress (both physically and mentally) and suffering grades.#failing some classes and taking longer bc part time Anyways. locking me into years and years of this perpetual fucking Hell.#ive escaped it. school is so so so much more manageable when i dont have to work a job. im actually keeping up with my assignments.#for once theres no uncertainty about passing any of my classes. i Will pass them all. and i expect As in most if not all of them.#it's been fucking Amazing. everything i couldve wanted. and it came with the low low cost of losing my father when i was only 26.#... 'low' being sarcastic here of course. he was the 2nd worst person i couldve lost in my life. second only to my sister.#the 2nd worst grief i will Ever experience. bc he was my Good parent. hes the very reason i have a future at All.#and losing him fucked me up Severely. im still working on recovering. i kind of figure i always Will be.#thank god id already been taking spring semester off bc that would've been Horrible to go thru while in school.#i honestly probably would've just withdrawn from the semester. theres no Way id have kept up with it#given how damned BUSY those first few weeks after were. between funeral prep and inventorying and packing up his house.#so fucking much involved in settling an estate. and im the lucky one in that my sister's been handling all the legal shit.#so i simultaneously was dealt one of the most severe blows i ever Will be dealt#while also being given probably the biggest boost i'll ever get in my life.#if everything goes well with graduating and getting an IT job then i'll never want for money again.#considering there was a time early last year when i got as low as literally $7 in my bank account. this is a pretty big deal.#it's just... strange. the ways things go in life. this has been a very strange year for me.#just doing my best to use this boost to the best of my ability. even if it feels like im taking advantage of his death.#it's what he wouldve wanted me to do.
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funkle420 · 1 month ago
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*takes my last adderall so i can finish all my work in one day*
*finishes one (1) assignment*
*gets distracted and spends the rest of the day hyperfocusing on delicious in dungeon again*
#i rewatched half the anime last night cause i was too tired to do anything else#i even almost got sucked into reading the manga again the other day but forced myself to stop after 1 chapter#def gotta buy hard copies#this is one of if not the only thing i can enjoy multiple times IN SUCCESSION!#actually i was like this with turning red and spiderverse too but#dunmeshi is different.... dunmeshi is special..... my enjoyment of it is more than just the animation or the art.....#ive never felt this particular way about anything but i've always wanted to#in the past my fanart often felt a little forced even tho i liked those things it was hard to get excited about anything#i think dunmeshi is partially responsible for my depression being in remission#literally#the only depression i feel since spring is about financial problems or being lonely#tangible stuff#but it's not the deep internal depression ive felt for most of my life#idk how to explain but like there's layers to depression#the easier kind to heal from is based in identifiable current issues like loneliness or financial troubles or grief or burnout#then theres the kind that comes from complex trauma or i think sometimes its genetic too#i thought that part would only go away once i solved the surface level stuff and could heal thorugh positive experiences to contradict#the pathways my brains formed overtime via trauma#but although ive had a few moments that have helped#i think dunmeshi. moving out of my old apt where i lived with 3 cishet men into an apt with 1 chill roomie. having time over summer to#get used to a self made routine (despite having MANY financial issues and still not being able to spend it how i planned)#all that is mainly what helped!#like for the first time i was getting excited abt stuff!#i still kinda struggle tho with maintaining that excietment#except with dunmeshi!#it's like no matter what my excitement hasn't diminished#thats very comforting#i gotta force myself to engage in more media so i can find more things to love#i have a habit of putting off things i know ill love bc i wanna be ready for it#so that if i do love it ill have the time and energy to get inspired and make fanart
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lemongogo · 1 year ago
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ahyways hi . liteally hey .whats up
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songofsaraneth · 2 years ago
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i am FUCKING pissed about the feral cat situation yet again
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phagodyke · 5 months ago
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ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.
#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out#not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her#like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool#it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun#i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again#but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too#to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together#thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all#like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad#and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do#and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends#im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for#but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen#to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it#i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and#decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen#and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree#but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most#and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen#and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway#so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me#which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its#crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it#idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her#i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of#resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different#and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has
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broke-on-books · 8 months ago
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😍😍😍
#accidentally slept through my only class today#which whoops sorry. (my 9am english)#which kind of killed step 1 of a plan of mine but thats okay#anyways THEN i had to go downtown to pick up this award bc i forgot to show up to the ceremony like a dumb dumb#but the building was like a 25 minute walk and it was COLD (punishment for my dumb dumbness tbh) but anyways i got there early so i walked#around the block and then went inside and picked up my medal#and i was already far downtown so then i popped my head in a couple of stores as i slowly walked back#got a few things from target. new hair clip nail polish m&ms pens and then a mango. very excited to eat that either later today or tomorrow#then i popped in the calligraphy store and then the comic shop and looked around. saw some white ribbon in the calligraphy store which ive#been looking for but didnt get it because it was a bit wide and kind of expensive and i want a lot for my project idea#(want to write out some of my favorite poems on them in sharpie and then use it to accessorize)#and then i went to the comic shop and peeked around. saw a nubia issue and a few gl 2021s in the discount bin but i didnt get them bc#they were all middle issues and i havent read those books yet although i do want to someday bc my guys were in them. one of the gl 21s even#had simon on the cover so i was very !!!!!!!! thats my guy!!!!!#didnt buy anything there but i did ask the guy to make sure to order a copy of the spirit world tpb so ill stop by to get that in a few wks#and then i went to the bookstore cafe and got a cold brew and did a but of English there. they have tables in the stacks its nice. the one i#grabbed was just surrounded by old paperbacks of sci fi and thrillers lol. didnt see anything id read but recognized a few author names like#card (no enders game though) and the pern lady (idk her name i havent read it). anyways did half a blog post thats technically late (ill#backdate though dw) and then packed up and i grabbed a gyro from the halal cart on that block which i just finished back at my dorm <3333#anyways good times. now im gonna try and spam some work and go to freaking trivia team for the first time in a month later. oops#blah#oh and i think the halal cart guy may have given me a free soda. unsure abt that though bc its possible it came with and i was just being#silly again. so anyways i had a ginger ale too
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caramelmochacrow · 10 months ago
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IM CRYING IM BAWLING IM SOBBING (episode 12 of love live school idol punched me in the gut)
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caninecowboy · 2 years ago
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24 days!
#em#milo.txt#im thinking about em again. i mean when am i not they're always on my mind#god they make me so fucking happy#ive been having such a shitty past few weeks but talking to them has helped#it feels. incredibly magical to have a love as strong as ours#they called me a good boyfriend today and they just. get me yknow?#in ways no one has ever. in ways i didnt even expect! in ways that feel full of love#i love how we've become entangled in one another. it really feels like there's no true me without them and vice versa yknow?#like yeah yeah yeah im my own person. kickass grad student whos queer as fuck and hot and theyre their own person.#fucking amazing scientist beautifully radiant individual whos so kind and gentle and fuckn CUTE ((they sent me a selfie this morning#and i was like HEY GIVE A GUY A WARNING OKAY!!! I NEED MY BRAIN FOR SCHOOL! CANT BE TAKING MY BREATH AWAY LIKE THAT#AND RENDERING ME SPEECHLESS!! theyre sooooo cute. i see them and im like ohmygod youre so fucking... youre so pretty youre so cute youre so#hot youre literally every word that is escaping my mind right now and i have never seen something as breathtaking as them))#ANYWAY!!! it still feels like half of me is missing when they're not with me yknow? and its true#half of me IS missing... they are !! they're my other half they're my beloved they're my lavender they're my fucking bestie#it really sucks being this far from them and not having them in my life in person but soon! soon.#theyll be in the same city as me again and we'll go for drives and we'll go grocery shopping together#and get weird looks because we just. get so GOOFY together#godddd i love when we would try to forage for fucking food in [redacted] at like 10 pm but eVERYTHING CLOSES SO EARLY#like that time we went to taco bell and they only took cash so we had to pivot#god i just miss that shit!!!! i miss that with them !!! i miss laughing and being happy and having no worries and feeling. GOOD#i love that i can just look at them and they KNOW what i'm thinking like i dont even have to SAY anything and they KNOW#and how genuine they know me? god. they send me reeses and hi-chews in care packages and its the ONLY time i have them bc i dont usually#buy shit for myself like that PLUS it feels like an extra special treat when i get them from them.#also the way they have helped me love myself? like fuck.#if they're capable of loving me so deeply and truly. maybe i can too yknow?#ill do things that i wouldnt have done before knowing them (like admitting i DO know things and celebrating my 48% on an exam and eating#ice cream because its going to make me happy even though theres still remnants telling me to not)#like.... they really have changed my life for the better
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orcelito · 4 months ago
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Also sorry I'm inevitably gonna b talking a lot about the breakup bc I got a lot of feelings to process. I sure didn't see it coming, so I didn't get any time to prepare for it.
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alphalesbian · 1 year ago
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.
#its like every now and again i am brought down by a terrible loneliness and am forced to remind myself i have in fact more or less#been alone in some sense of the word for more than a few years now theres been such incredible lengths of my lived adulthood where ive#been to deal with everything on my plate entirely by myself for the most part. not to say that i have been like Alone ive kept busy and all#but sometimes i have to remind myself its been years and years since ive had what i would call even some kind of community. and its a#necessary pain to reflect that That is probably why routinely i am completely leveled by some loneliness. this goes of course without sayin#a lot of this is circumstance why i would maybe end up so alone but the reality is im often the only one who gets me im often the only ear#can open up to im often the only one there to catch myself slipping the only one there to take care of myself when im hurting or sick or#tired. and its not that i dont ask for help. something something circumstance where i dont get it from other people#hardly a thing worth stopping myself over but the moments where i have to pick myself up by my own bootstraps for the nth time completely i#the dark by myself its hard not to feel small. looked past. even though im really doing quite okay all things considered. still quite#unfortunately alone and equally isolated and drained of any energy to change this or get out and find community (if i had the space and#the time and the money of course dont forget about the money)#and at the deepest reaches of this feeling i can only see cosmically that this is what im supposed to be doing. to some strange effect that#I Am at least on the right path as tucked away small and hidden and invisible as this may make me feel. bc its never a hard contrast to mak#that if i did have the ability to truly embrace and make a change in that regard would i? would i do it right? could i keep it? where would#that take me? and of course the answer is in this state id just fumble it. and be right back here#when do i get to have that fire in my hands unequivocally where i may finally furiously rid myself of this isolation this loneliness either#forever or long enough to make the change from this lack of connection and community i truly have?
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dawntheduckrb · 8 months ago
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Low resolution borb chilling on the curb
#tag wall#i sat and watched this little fella#it found a bug! so awesome#broski was nibbling away#my dad made biscuits and gravy this morning and omg they were heavenly#im convinced the closer the gravy looks to actual prison slop the better it is#bc omg#i was nibbling away too#food ramble sorry; its just been a while since i had them and i cant seem to make a rue w/o messing it up so im super grateful#anyway ive been drawing tiny things here and there#i've decided i wont post them still#half of the problem was i just too busy trying to draw 'for fun' so i could post something on my main#so when i sat down to draw for myself i just couldn't do it#the hiatus seems to have helped with that because im actually making small stuff again#*but*#the other half of the issue i was having was checking my activity page too much#it was a bit obsessive if im being honest and it still kind of is#so while that issue needs to be corrected still#for now it's going under the rug; if i post doodles on my alt like i said i might#I'll still be checking for notes and i simply dont have the time or headspace for that#<<<none of that is in a negative tone btw! im doing much better than i was a few weeks ago! not 100% still but baby steps :3#I'm putting the drawings i make in my drafts and marking the date on each post#whenever finals are over I'll load them up in a queue and start posting them!#that way i can still get my thoughts out of my system without defeating the purpise of the hiatus#**purpose i am not fixing that#ok that's all bye bye 🦆🦆#not rb
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phagodyke · 1 month ago
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venting sorry... don't want to just delete it bc it helps to get it out just ignore this post pls 👍
haven't slept much at all and feeling so sick andstressed and in pain bc my period is due and so tired its making me dizzy but i cant sleep more or ill just feel more sick and I want a hug and to cry so hard into someones shoulder but no one cares or will even come near me it makes me feel diseased they think things about me that aren't true bc I struggle so much to communicate and thry all make assumptions insteqd and no one wants to give me space to talk to them about it so I cant undo that now and its all my fault and I'm so. exhausted :-(
#going to try and stay awake until lunch at least and yhen maybe ill take a nap. but i need to be able to sleep rpoperly tonight#at least i know im only feeling depressed bc my period is due which means my meds dont work how they should#like its kind of weird n psychologically interesting to feel so depressed again suddenly bc i havent been at all lately#well theres not much i can do abt feeling sick and in pain but ill take it easy. wasnt planning on leaving the house today anyway#and i do need to find a way to talk to ppl abt shit im struggling to communicate bc it really does bother me. and i dont want to do this#im tired of keeping everything in and wound so tightly i just want to feel seen and safe around someone please. please 🥹#its all well n good getting along with people better than i rver havebut if they still wont support me when im going through it#then it fades into shallowness like our friendship still has value. but im unable to feel close to them or safe around them#and right now im glad im doing so well im glad of so manynthings but its so scary to know that if i start doing bad again there is#noone and nothing there to catch me i dont have anything in the way of a safety net just myself. so better not fall 👍#and irs been makinf me feel so horrible lately bc my mum has been trying to emotionally drpend on me again and its making me feel like#when i was a teenager again and i was fighting for my fucking life against what i didnt know was mental illness and i had no outlet and#nowhere to go and i wanted to die so badly and meanwhile everyone around me was completely unaware and making me handle all of their#emotional issues and i was trapped there absorbing everyone elses damage and not being able to express mine and thankfully i didnt kill#myself and i got out and ive gotten so much bettee and worse and better sinxe and how i feel now is nothing like that really but im just#being reminded of it a lot and how hard expressing myself is and sometimes it feels like ive made so little progress#in thetorture labyrinth out here. but i dont want to do this forever i need to get better at expressing i just need people to support me#but i feel unsupported its like thin ice. but its alsonmy fault for not trusting. i dontnknowwwww.#maybe when i dont have to pay for private meds anymore and when i get this raise at the end of the year ill try therapy again#i dont think itll solve the issue bc its the ppl i care abt in my life that i need to be able to talk to. but maybe i can get some#better tools to help me be able to do that. i dontnknow i dont want to think about it anymore actually im going to go do smth else#sorry for venting its been a really nice weekend genuinely feeljng so good in general atm. and yeah i still struggle with the same things#but generally ive been handling their effect on my mental health so much better!!!! like im still feeling okay regardless of them#but they are still there and i will need to go from tolerating them to dissolvjng them at some point if i want to feel okay long term#it doesnt have to be like this. and i do actually truly believe that for once which rly is a sign of how much prpgress ive made!!!!#working on my shit is a fucking lifelong project....as im sure it is for everyone else too. all of our first time on planet earth#we will get through yhis. and anyway how i feel now is super temporary jsut triggered by a few thingsand ill keep reacting to them this#way until i managr to properly resolve them properly instead of folding them nicely and tucking them out of view#bleugh. okay yeah thats enough for now. meds softening the edges too ive stopped crying which is smth#chilling for a bit n then im going to watch some tv or a movie and iron and polish my boots and after lunch i might draw. or not we'll see
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