#bc everyone who knew them died
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im so glad that we never get a clear picture of sophie’s background in leverage & i hope we never do. however i also really like making up various, often conflicting backstories for her in my head. perhaps they’re all backstories for an alias of hers, ones she laid to rest back in season two.
#leverageposting#leverage#sophie devereaux#particularly that one of or both her parents had to move around a lot for work & so she would change herself to fit in at every new school#or new town etc etc. and that whatever original identity she had was dropped due to some kind of really awful event and her bio family think#she’s dead. eg she got into some kind of extreme legal trouble for the first time & she faked her death & everyone she knew as a kid thinks#she’s dead too. like. astrid wasn’t the first person she left to miss/mourn her.#but also that she was a teen runaway at like age ~16 and pretended to be an adult (like. 18/19) cause theres not much you can do by yourself#as a minor like booking flights or renting an apartment. and so began her first proper alias. and she was a pickpocket until she could fund#her life fully through grifting & cons.#or alternatively her parents died when she was a teen & she was old enough to become an emancipated minor (everyone in lev is an orphan)#and she kind of just fell into crime from there bc she had no one#or perhaps she got married at 17 and realised how fucked it all was and stashed money until she could run away & leave it all behind. that’s#bc of a single vague sentence on john rogers’ blog saying she was married at 17 and in context it was quite possibly a joke or random#hypothetical example but i was like what if???? What If???????#i also like the hc that she’s trans which i’ve seen a few times#in some versions in my mind her parents were okay and in some versions they were awful and in some versions it was so complicated.#i think tara has heard one story and parker or hardison have heard another and nate has never heard any story. he’s never asked.#she is here now and that’s all that needs knowing. and sophie devereaux is her real name in any way it matters.#eliot has also never asked and she asked if he was curious once and he just asked if she was curious about What He Did and that was answer#enough for the both of them. just a mutual agreement not to ask and it actually solidified their bond.#i think she struggled for a long time about whether to tell her new family The Real Story but in much the same way we never hear her birth#name bc it’s not Her anymore… she never gives The Real Story. bc it no longer defines who she is. she’s so much more than whatever happened.#lvg
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The first hug and the last, shared between two best friends-- Based on that one part of my fic :"
#dogart#fanart#sky children of the light#sky cotl#scotl#empire moths#teth#ayin#tethyin#teth spent the last moments of her life hating herself and believing that everyone who loved her either turned to hate her or died#but no. Ayin still loved their best friend. No matter what she had done and who she lost. Ayin loved Teth bc they knew she needed that love#Esp after losing her bride and giving up her children bc she's unable to raise them properly#also fun fact: the second pic is a redraw of an old doodle. if u remember it you qualify for a veteran's discount
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nameless bard ameno archon au.............
#i feel like he'd be. more stubborn and serious than venti is#in terms of confrontation that is#i imagine that their dynamic is. it was mostly bard who rallied people for the rebellion with his words and music#leading charges with his lyre and music#and venti was an equal in terms of being the bard's beloved friend#but in terms of leading humans? Venti didn't do much. couldn't do much#so it was the nb who was a leader to the humans and rebels while venti was support with his wind#and also got to fool around and play pranks on others while they were focused on nb#leading to barbatos' later 'hey lets play lets play lets play' attitude while everyone else was like#'barbatos do some work'#au archon bard probably Visibly does work and has a more serious demenor about it#vs venti's yeah he keeps tabs on his people but he's playful about it#au where venti and nb are co(?)archons like ei and makoto and just screw around in mondstadt#enjoying their hard earned freedom. is that too much to ask. for them to be happy is that#au where they're alive and together and happy pls#genshin talk#......but can you also imagine au if venti was the one who died like kdlhfslkdfh statues of wisps around the city bc thats#the only form nb knew him as lol
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kiburi x ushari but specifically doomed kiburi x ushari. more than anyone else in the army they believe with full sincerity that scar's plan HAS to work because they can't succeed without him
#they don't even have to be romantic i just think. about them a lot#bc i'm writing my sections abt them in the BFTP essay#i can't express how tragic it is to me how much they had to believe scar would give them what they wanted#kiburi is absolutely an asshole in canon and doesn't have redeeming qualities yes. but consider this#scar knew that he wouldn't give ushari and kiburi what they wanted because ofc he wouldn't. but they didn't know that#i swear to god it's not just ushari who had so much devotion to scar. sure scar scared or pissed off kiburi but#have you noticed how much kiburi brings up scar in like every battle#he puts so much into the belief that scar is the answer. as does ushari#they would turn their backs on EVERYONE if they thought scar could win#which they did#with kiburi helping to double cross janja and ushari not giving a fuck when the skinks sacrified themselves just for the plan#scar's plan was everything to them#and what happened because of it? ushari died#kiburi couldn't give less of a fuck after scar was gone but i have multiple problems with the rushed-ness of the outlanders after that#like kiburi would NOT immediately allow ANOTHER animal to boss him around y'know#sure he said that jasiri wouldn't boss his float around anyway because they'd take care of themselves but#it's just. not my interpretation of his character#kiburi x ushari is canon divergent anyway obviously lmao but. i just think there's angst in them#like im sorry but kiburi would not give up fighting makuu that easy HFHJDJ#he may not have beef with the pridelands specifically because scar isn't making him attack them since he's gone but#he hasn't got what he wants. why would he stop#completely and utterly an au idea but. kiburi wanting to take over the pridelands because their actions led to ushari's death#reptiles deserve better or something like that#oh god i've rambled so much#this is just to get my thoughts out it's not coherent at all but yeah.#there's my doomed yaoi for you /silly#rambling in tags#spinny rambles#kiburi x ushari#< i kinda love them :[
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MAN.
#bnha spoilers#a had no delusions abt her being alive before but saying it out right is differenttt#i just really liked himiko she was my favourite for many many reasons but mostly bc i loved how she reminded me of myself in a weird way#like in a cathartic way idk#she was also taught that her love was like a terrible unnatural evil thing#that should never be seen or expressed#and she never fully realized her capability to love until she finally let herself indulge in it#and thats the thing how she LET herself#and how she wanted to live her life exactly the way she wanted so bad that she didn't care that none of them would love her for it#because she wanted to be free ☹️#and the fact that even after all of that rejection and loathing she still found a place for herself where there was people#who LOVED her and and CARED about her and then eventually ochako who wanted to save her#and it still proves everyone else wrong about himiko#because himiko never had to change or hide those fundamental things about herself to be loved in the end#and i hate that she died#i really do#but her narration of her death scene really hit me bc she's RIGHT#she lived her life exactly the way she wanted to and never got chained down again#and she had people who knew everything she was and loved her not in spite of it#and she's a normal girl#and so am i#UGGGHHUUJHH anyways just wanted to talk i love that girl rip himiko
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all nighter musical movie night completed! i surprisingly had fun! i ended up watching raggedy ann & andy: a musical adventure, the guy who didnt like musicals, and in the heights, if you were wondering. funnily enough the musical theming was purely accidental and i didnt realize it until i started watching in the heights. i just had these movies sitting on the backburner lol
now i need to go take a 2 hour nap so i have at least some juice running today. snork mimimi.
#thankfully whatever nausea i had b4 is gone by now so i can ACTUALLY LAY IN BED NOW. hooray.#if you were wondering about my thoughts of the movies (bc i honestly wasnt zoning out or nything. pretty engaged) they were all good :)#i liked the art direction of raggedy ann however the voices were different from what i was expecting. songs were good.#tgwdlm was a movie i had watched b4 so i was doing a rewatch (i forgot i had watched it b4 tho lol). fun songs! love the actors!#love the musical-hater characters and how they reacted like. normally. love the acting in general. everyone is so fun.#and in the heights was nice as well. i only knew that musical through listening to the songs on their own#so i was familiar w/ them already and liked them. wasnt too familiar with the context tho so thats why i watched it :)#and [spoilers but] I DIDNT KNOW ABUELA DIED?????? i genuinely froze when the song announcing it came on#(i had not listened to that song b4)#whole ass 'HUH?????' reaction at me at uhhh 6 in the morning#anyways to bed i go. good night. or well. good morning. question mark#eh who cares
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did you watch tua s4 and if so what did you think :3
yeah i watched it
#crazy to be reminded that happened i've been trying to block it out of my mind since august but sure#honest thoughts: i've been kind of checked out since s3 was so mid but i didn't expect s4 to be THAT bad#i thought it was a terrible season with very few redeeming qualities especially when it came to five's storyline#pretty much completely nonsensical and removed from everything i liked about the first two seasons#also just lazy. like the plot doesn't make sense. why is jennifer in a squid. how did reg wipe their minds and why did he only do it once#why can you see other people's memories in the memory returning machine somehow#why did they hire a 13 year old in the fbi and how did he get such a high ranking position#what was the point of sewing all that irritation between diego and lila out of nowhere and why are they trying pretend diego was fat#what happened to sloane. what happened to allison's deal with reg.#if no one remembered ben's death why did they all talk about it like they did and how did klaus never notice that w ghost ben#why do they all care so much about a version of ben they didn't grow up with who hates them#how would five's initial plan for the subway fix everything if stopping the jennifer incident#would only save the ben who died in their timeline and not the one from the sparrow timeline who is causing the problem#if he knew they could timeline jump w the subway why wouldn't they just jump back in time to their original timeline#why is everyone in this world part of the jean and gene cult or whatever like there's no characters outside their circle who aren't involve#why does allison have new powers and why did she use them instead of her rumoring when she was trying to get info out of someone#and of course. what was the point of all that.#soundtrack wasn't even good. we used to be a society.#anyways. i liked viktor's bar and the implication that he still sucks so bad at dating#and five's ash ketchum haircut was fun.#i don't care about this season at all otherwise and i like to pretend it never happened so i can still enjoy the show and characters <3#which is very is easy bc it was so mindblowingly stupid it doesn't even feel real
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after spending all of season 2 gleefully imagining hannibal getting his comeuppance... I think mizumono broke me
#hannibal#that last supper with hannibal and will fucked me up#he knew he KNEW HE KNEW that will was still with the fbi#and gave him the hannibal style olive branch of:#hey. babe. it's okay. i get it. you're conflicted. we can just... go.#and abigail was ALIVE THE WHOLE TIME#and then he fucking killed her out of sheer petty spite that his rose-tinted murder family plan did not come together#because he could not stand the thought of abigail and will being a family without him#or even abigail still leaving with hannibal but missing will#and then JACK TRYING TO CALL BELLA#the only person i don't feel as bad for as i should is alana bc she just... doesn't really do it for me as a character#like i get it i get why she's the way she is she's meant to be the only sane person adrift in this sea of utter madness#but her being locked out of the loop and two steps behind everyone else is kind of... annoying. like alana!!! girl!!!! get with it!!!!!#but god hannibal. hannibal. hannibal.#i still kind of want to see him dead but i also kind of want to pat him#(from a distance. with like a mop or something like that one gif)#he really is in love with will#or at least the closest thing to love he can feel#and he really was imagining a way they could live a life together#sure it was a life on the run as cannibalistic serial killers constantly evading the fbi who would hunt them down until the day they died#but they would be cannibalistic serial killers with like. a picket fence. maybe some dogs.#oh my god wait the funniest thought just occurred to me#will refusing the offer of running off into the night with hannibal not because of any moral scruples#but because he would have had to leave his dogs behind#like hannibal come ON you KNOW this man did you really not include his dogs in the escape plan????#amateur mistake. do better next time.
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pertaining to the idea of tenax’s band of strays i do think it’s touching that the kids are the ones who saved him and waited outside the door to make sure he’s okay. for all tenax claims to be harsh and cruel it’s a fine indicator of his character that the kids won’t rest without him and are there every time he’s in danger.
#AND I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE I HAD THEM STEALING THEIR WAY OMTO#THE PLATFORMS WHAT DO YOU MEANNNNNNN oh i love being right#also that all the kids are there watching when he kills the guy whose name i forget because i simply cannot hold names in my brain but the#evil one. who i was like oh thank GOD he died i was so sick of this plot he kept killing everyone & i screeched when he almost got claudia#something something calla saying ‘you’re not a child anymore’ about tenax’s cruelty to the brothers (which in my twisted narratives. sorry.#there’s only one scorpus who KNEW the child tenax was. the child he’s still healing and caring for. all of the children whose eyes he looks#into and sees a hurt that’s just like his? the children tenax saved whether he’ll admit it or not? scorpus saved him. and that’s all)#(also this is a terrible thing to say i knew it about but like. oh i knew it about the master of the house. tenax making sure NO ONE#touches the kids or does anything with them really but Claudia and him—the people he trusts which also now includes calla but he makes sure#it’s someone he knows. also do we have a claudia backstory??? or would i just get to invent a reason why she’s there and what she’s doing#and why she’s so loyal to tenax. did she also see the child he was and that’s why she’s so protective of him but also why she gets along#with calla so well because the two of them see how he’s festered in that. like calla fully has the rights here i think she should rip him a#new one for his lack of decency and good qualities he can be corrupt without being cruel y’know. and he should be called out on his#peter pan ass behavior you’re not a child!! there are such consequences!!! dream a little bigger a little kinder!!! change the dream you#made up with scorpus when you were a young angry teenager and make it fit who you are NOW. the life you want NOW not the life you thought#you should have & deserved. what did you learn from growing up. what changed. what do you need now & what do you want. not the same things#and i too wish that this was 30k and covered their entire backstory#BUT IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION of i also need it to be 100k canon-divergent (presumably. i’m only through episode eight. but i can’t imagine#that they will follow the plot EYE would write because they need to have a second season & you can’t have that without conflict which means#titus overthrown scorpus is gonna die metaphorically or literally etc etc the gold faction in shambles but technically triumphant with#domitian on the throne and tenax in a position of patrician power accepted into their society but still not equal and happy. whereas lmao#domitian you’re getting shipped off to some other city because your plot to overthrow titus failed and yet he is merciful enough he won’t#kill you he just sends you and hermes together (at which point over the months long journey you forgive and re-learn each other bc titus#didn’t know of the betrayal he thought it would be kind to send your (ex-)lover with you. do we see how this works perfectly) & tenax falls#back into the underworld where he now knows he belongs because blood is everything except when it isn’t. when he realizes what he has is#worth more. no matter if the blood he has is tainted or patrician the blood oath he swore with scorpus iron on their tongues means more.#calla’s split lip defending him and their winnings. kwaame’s blood on the hard packed sand of the arena fighting to stay alive and to come#home to them. the fire in aura’s cheeks when she laughs at ivy. SURPRISEEEE EVERY NARRATIVE IS A FOUND FAMILY I GUESS IT SPRUNG ON ME TOO.#and tenax doesn’t mind a little dirt and bribery every now and then. doesn’t aspire to former heights and shining brilliant out of shadows.#the gaudiness of gold &flash of fools’ dreams. YES CAN I FINALLY PLS GET MY BLACK FACTION TO REPLACE THE ILL-FATED GOLD THATLL COLLAPSE W/D
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Nothing can harm people with npd and i won't back down from that belief. They dont care enough. This is not an npd or narcissists friendly blog. If you're one i don't have anything against you in particular but please don't come here defending abuse and claim that there are no victims. I am one and you won't shush me. I don't care about yall liking me, I know you won't anyway long ago.
#that goes out with every person with a potential abusive disorder or illness. u can't excuse the abuse EVER#u can love and respect people who have them and try but never say they're poor little angels. i put myself in there too#i don't want excuses for when i am an asshole. call me out. you were my victim and u have every right#there's too much apology here for certain very rare disorders and behaviours that are glamourised.#it's all self defence#yall probably are mosdiagnosed bc some countries just go and do that while in others u never can get a simple diagnosis of adhd#and then if someone acts out and dies or is an addict everyone is like they deserve it they're bad people#i thought u were an ally?i thought i were proud of not having empathy for anyone?#the people i knew here that say have little empathy are mostly autistic and tbh were always the most empathetic I've met#i am pro sx but i believe most use it as a way to escape responsibility and act like dickhead
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I have said this before but me being self proclaimed number 1 Ryoma fan and that being possibly literal-bc even if this bro had fans before me I might’ve simply done the most for him by talking about him so much + being the first to write fics that are in depth studies on his trauma across canons-I gotta say if there’s one other character I rotate a lot that isn’t him it’s probably Kei. (Shocking it’s not Hayato even if I do think about him too- but it’s usually associated with Ryoma bc gays 🗿)
I’m not even exaggerating when I say Kei would be my favorite and only isn’t because she doesn’t exist in many other canons yet my brain rotates the endless possibilities of how to incorporate her. I’ve already written a fic where she’s in shin vs neo verse which worked surprisingly well but I’ve been thinking how universally she could appear in other things. (Whether it be fitting her into a idea of a possible Go team in New or just a new canon completely) I think what I’ve narrow it down to is that she could be like- in Michirus role? Like she’s the supporting female who isn’t a pilot but helps out the real occasionally which I think would align very well especially with the original manga role she has of being Hayato’s assistant. And even if Hayato isn’t grandpa mode yet he still very much is in Saotomes position at that point. Not sure if she’d Hayato’s biological kid to further parallel Saotome and Michiru given well Hayato already adopts the Go team and his wife is irrelevant LOL.
I have no idea if I’ll ever write this specific idea but I’m still- rotating it cause this is such a easy way to get around “picking between Sho or Kei as the 2nd pilot” since both of them can still exist even if one doesn’t get to pilot, idm my supporting females. (Granted there could always be like- plot line where Sho gets hurt so Kei is temporary pilot but I can’t remember if Getter ever really did this since “once your hurt your ass is basically replaced” lol)
#meg text#getter robo#au rambles#I think I rotate her so much because my friend and I talked about her relationship with Go#like it makes so much sense if among all the universal constants in getter one would be Kei is important to Go#granted the shift from “she’s my love interest” to “she’s my sister” will never not be so fucking drastic 💀#also I get why in SVN she wasn’t there for time and idk where you’d fit her but man Kei deserves a more significant role#hence why I imagine her in Michirus role because even if she also had it ROUGH some iterations knew how to use her#also Kei already has a established relationship w gai mainly thanks to arma so- Sho deserves to speak with her too#they can be besties who rat out on the boys but still have high respect for hayato#granted I know the real reason why this hasn’t happened is because Kei is a minor character and “no proper go manga adaptation??”#at this point I don’t expect a anime but it be nice if Go team got used in a spin off bc we had a good run of OG team#I’d also want them to use arc in spin offs too but I understand their more- finicky characters to use#given their main thing is their actual descendants of existing characters and one of them is our first boyo (ryoma)#if you took out the bloodline stuff it make them feel redundant because you can just use go team for that#also honestly despite how mixed arc anime is for everyone they really don’t need to be in anything after this#other then wishing they get something with nicer animation but that’s what’s SRW is for#(also back to Kei I’m a bit upset she did not get a cameo in arc even if she’d probably look horrendous it was just salt in the wound)#(GAI LITERALLY SAIDS WHEN HE DIES IN THE MANGA HE SEES KEI WHERE WAS SHE WITH ALL THE GETTER GHOSTS?)#actually Michiru wasn’t there too so it was probably just woman erasure /hj
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🗺🐐⭐️ for the motogp ask game
Thank u 4 de questions pookie
As I already answered all the questions I will give my second opinions on them >:)))
!!!!!!!! This post has very long tags b warned!!!!!!
🗺️ fav circuit (og answer Lusail+Philip Island)
I know it's 50/50 as to whether the race gets gapped and is boring but I do adore Aragon <33333 it held my fav 2020 rounds and ofc in 2022 Acosta won the M2 race there <3
🐐 GOAT rider (og answer; objectively Rossi but I think Stoner was a bit mental too)
Don't have a new answer but I want to say Jeremy Burgess [[a mechanic who worked w Wayne Gardner big man Doohan and ofc Rossi]] was a beast !!! I'm biased BC my dad absolutely adores him but I genuinely believe without him Rossi wouldn't have been as successful as he ended up being !
⭐ fav world champion (og answer; Mir)
My top fav riders are Mir n Acosta n they are both WDC's I could say loads about their titles but nothing actually worth reading so I shall talk about Mr F.Bag : F.Bag's title was so wonderful??? Breaking records and being the first non Japanese manufacturer rider to win a title in MotoGP for FIFTEEN (15!!!) Years????? Love to see it!!
Also not to sound like a loser on main but I do like listening to Omen by The Prodigy n think about everything Stoner+Pecco's titles !!
#i need everyone to know I dont think i actually needed to clarify who Jeremy Burgess is#i just wanted to make sure every knew !!#i aint tryna sound like *oh u wouldn't know them theyre super underground theyre called tame impala* dudes u know !#i do like shitty ?? whatever music genre the prodigy are music thank u!!#i also like listening to Omen n thinking about Mr Simoncelli and Bezzecchi! tho it always feels a bit mean to both those guys idk#it works with them u know *♪the writings on the walls♪ it won't go away ♪ its an omen♪*#and u have a guy everyone says would've made it as a champ had he not died#and a guy trying his damnest to be a wdc who has the same first name as other guy AND looks enough like him its a bit bizarre??? uncanny?#OH ACTUALLY THAT REMINDS ME on the topic of Simoncelli#saddest bit of Pedrosa lore is that part of the reason hes a lot less grudgy than the other aliens IS bc of Simoncelli#at the time of Simoncelli's death he and Pedrosa weren't on the best terms#Simoncelli had made an aggressive overtake on pedrosa and caused him to crash (dont rmr if pedrosa got injured in the crash but i think yes#and Simoncelli had apologised to pedrosa but Pedrosa never shook his hand and accepted the apology#ill never be able to forget the interview#where pedrosa talks about regretting never accepting the apology before Simoncelli died#and how obviously he'll now never be able to shake hands and accept it :((#tho im sure most here are already familiar with that story!#motogp
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i just finished the brief lives arc, and... ow
#i took notes bc i cant screenshot panels on my phone so ill probably post some of my reactions over the weekend#but oh this hurt my heart#and like. seems probable that dreams gonna die or be badly hurt bc of this so that sucks!#but even without that...#theyre all so unhappy#destruction had to cut off everyone he knew and loved just for some passing contentment#and the rest of them wont contemplate leaving so theyre just stuck in the bullshit forever#mostly too divided to even be kind to each other#also some cruel kind of worldbuilding for delight-- the most overtly good one-- to be the one who couldnt last as she was#also: poor orpheus#grow up w parents who are growing apart. wife dies at your wedding. disown your dad#be lonely for years and then get TORN APART. get disowned by your dad. and then spend thousands of years mostly alone as a head#and then die knowing that helping you end your suffering is condemning your dad to some horrible fate#...fuck did calliope get to say goodbye?#there was no indication of it but what a dick move on both their parts if not#the sandman
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you know, it kind of bothers me that this is what it took for everyone to start talking about how well his line has been doing.
i've been talking about the 51-71-40 line all year, and i'm glad people are finally starting to realize just how good they are, but gosh. this sucks.
and i understand why people are bringing up johnny, obviously we all flashed back to that, but according to the details they released it definitely was not as serious, so i wish it would stop being compared. if only for my own sanity...
the fact emil walked away from the incident, and apparently didn't feel the effects until today, makes me think it really isn't worth worrying about. which is so, so relieving, for me.
#i genuinely do not have it in me to handle any more grief#i just. i knew something bad was going to happen soon#i've been having horrible dreams and one of which actually was. about a fav who died.#literally woke up in the middle of the night crying and shaking and everything#like i've just been worried and i kept telling myself to stop bc it's stupid and not real. but i know how my intuition works#it's so scary because another dream was about someone who - now that i'm thinking about it - has a bunch of like#little ties that connect him to heino in certains ways and i can't really explain it without saying too much#but yeah just. i'm so SO glad he's alright. gosh we know how much worse things can get#it's just rn all the 'oh no what are we gonna do about that line' discourse is like.. are u kidding me? i've been praising them all year 😭#NOW you realize what we lost?? sure everyone's too busy talking about 77 and 20 and how much $$ 71 is worth lmao#whatever man i can't even bring myself to care about hockey rn#like i just need a sec to recover from this shock it's obviously triggered some ptsd#i went outside at lunch and got some air so that helped but then i called my dad and had to break the news cause he didn't hear#i hated saying it out loud lol. but yeah the initial shock passed and i feel better but i still need a little extra time to process#(thank you childhood trauma for delaying and prolonging my emotional regulations. you suck <3)#rants
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#a dear childhood friend's wife died 2 weeks ago#his parents and mine have known each other since before we were born and we went to school together until we graduated from hs#we weren't in the same friend group as we entered middle school and onward but it was a small school in a small town etc etc#i've always thought very highly of him and would've liked to be closer friends with him but he was in the ~cool crowd~ and very outdoorsy#where i was neither of those things#anyway his wife suddenly and unexpectedly died 2 days before christmas and i've been so broken hearted for him since#they just had their 2nd baby about 7 weeks earlier#horrible tragic unthinkable heart wrenching#and i saw him at the funeral for the first time since his sister's wedding in 2011#he's been living in other places for school and training but he moved back here about 1.5 years ago#and i want to be there for him and be friends#i'm so mad i didn't reach out when i first found out he was back but i didn't feel like i could bc would be even care about me#and what if too much time has gone by blah blah he has a family yadda yadda#but i think that's bs actually bc people have been very receptive to seeing me when i've run into them or their parents or on social#things are different now and we're grown and not awkward kids (even though i feel like one all the time)#and i'm mad and sad that i could've met his wife who seems amazing and was deeply loved by everyone she knew#and i'm also confused bc i feel so strongly about him that i'm like ??? am i in love with him ??? wth#why am i like this#why do i feel every emotion at such an extreme#is this an adhd thing#i think i just care deeply about him because he's a great person and someone i have a strong tie to through the school we both attended#not to mention the connection our moms have and his older sister who was also very nice to me#i know i'm lonely but i think the situation might be worse than i thought#being the only child of 2 parents who are both aging and in pretty bad shape is not where it's at#especially because i'm disabled in ways too and i desperately want to improve but it's really hard and i hate myself and living like this!!!#so again that brings me thinking who will love you (certainly not him) and why are you thinking about this anyway#(i'm just as bad as the guys who swoop in to snag women who are freshly widowed or divorced or otherwise broken up with)#except i'm not (i think) bc this obvi isn't something i would wish on anyone and i want his wife's memory to be a blessing#maybe i'm just insane and need to take my meds and go to bed#personal
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aesthetic pinterest board of dark academia suicide notes
#stream#do u know how fucking funny that would be#i could imagine someone unironically putting a edgar alan poe suicide note in there like man died in a ditch it wasn’t even suicide it was#the most chad death ever alcoholism#like i get it !!#i still think its funny how many professionals this year were looking at me like w sincerity saying ‘if u keep drinking at the rate u are ur#going to die’ like it wasnt even ‘u will die eventually’ it was a ‘SOONER THAN LATER’#ASLAJSDLAKSDLJAJDLKASDAJLDSKJALSKJJD#anyway i got to thinking like apple store asks for a bag (i was rehersing what i will need to say to the employees when picking up an order#so as to appear the Most Normal yes this is a nroaml thing to do everyone does it im trying not to get hit w the buffer when smthg#unexpected happens) & i was like omg i dont need a bag so its like no but then i was like well what if u actually said u want one bc u like#to put things in them when ur packing things up to kill urself SADAKSLDKADJLSDKJASLDJASKDJLASKJDL#like that would be sooooo unhinged but honestly that is literally why i always get the bags when im forced to go there bc theyre a nice#sturdy bag like im a big fan who wouldnt be ???? anyway#so i decided against saying that i will say yes please give me a bag then i will leave the store holding the bag then immediately take off#my backpack remove the product from the bag fold the bag back into flatpack & then put the product & the bag in my backpack#i also do this when im stealing airplane safety cards#but if i like the magzine i can usually just slide it in there when i nick it but all the airplane magazines fucking suck now#bring back skymall bring back skymall bring back skymall#look what they took from us#it was endless activity for children just go thru it then circle what u want & then show ur mother & she goes :) & then we all forget abt it#bc we knew damn well we were never buying shit from there#ASLKALSJDKAJSLDJKSDALDSLJLDJSALKSDJ
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