#bc as much as I'm all for disability awareness sometimes it's just not good for my mental health to be the one reading all that

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

if it's such a rare disease why am I getting so many videos from so many people about it on my feed

[reasonsforhope]

Upcoming Blog Thing

So I'm currently in the process of making a sideblog-for-a-sideblog for Reasons for Hope.

The idea is to use it to post mostly links/info on direct action (how to's, petitions, official government calls for comment on proposed policies, protests, info about cool things other activists are doing, etc. etc.) that doesn't fit on a good news blog. Plus informational/awareness posts, and my own activism and thoughts and takes about things that sometimes really, really do not belong on a good news blog. Or that half belong on a good news blog and half really don't, and the like.

The idea is also to create an official "format" for submissions so that people can send in posts without me having to take the time/spoons to make new posts out of ppl's asks and dms (this takes sooo much time sometimes). Then, if successful, do a similar thing for submissions on Reasons for Hope, bc I do want to make posts about lots of things ppl send me, but it would be way too much to do myself all the time.

I'd still be verifying everything and applying editorial standards, in both cases. I actually already wrote up most of an editorial standards policy for the new sideblog, too. It would include verifying and listing the sources and dates for everything, at a minimum.

I've been thinking about going ahead and doing this for quite a while now, but I finally decided I needed to go for it because uh. I just found out about something absolutely, completely fucked up that happened to my grandparents (and a lot of other people). And while I am planning to get involved in organizing about it in real life around the relevant issues (or at least flyer the shit out of relevant neighborhoods), I really need to be able to use what platform I have to talk about this - along with other issues - so I have somewhere to channel my rage and grief into activism

(You will hear more about what happened when the sideblog goes up, if you want to see know. For now, let's just say that it's been a really intense 48 hours.)

Also you know I actually have a small-to-moderate platform here and that's a hell of a lot more ability to reach people than I tend to have in person, esp with ~life~ and ~working~ and my disability shit

So yeah, heads up you have that to look forward to (if you want to engage). And there will be unique tags to filter for people who want to see the links to actions and organizing info without seeing the info about fucked up stuff.

Because I am firmly of the opinion that people can and should be able to engage with that kind of content only where and when they feel up for it, if they want, and especially if they're really struggling with spiraling over the state of things.

Anyway, let me know in the notes if there's anything you would particularly like to see from the upcoming sideblog. (I make no promises but would value information on this!) And if you have any thoughts on what I should call it because I haven't been able to figure out something satisfying yet.

[idkhowbut-art]

Mushy May Day 4 - Wound Tending/'Shut Up I'm Taking Care of You

Thanks to @forlorn-crows for the prompt list

Pairing - Aether/Zephyr

Word Count - 598

Summary -  Zephyr injures themselves and refused to tell anyone until Aether lectures them.

(ps this involves Zephyr frustrated at how they're treated bc of their disability)

Also posted on AO3 here

Zephyr pushed themselves too far again. They had spent the day with the other ghouls at the lake. They had ended up slipping on the edge, slicing their hands and knees, but for some reason they refused to tell the others so they all could continue to enjoy themselves. 

They were well aware that they had fucked up and now they’re facing the consequences. That being a very agitated Aether tending to them, mumbling about how ‘they shouldn’t push themselves too much’ and that they ‘should know their limits’, knowing damn well that Aether is one to talk when it comes to physical limitations. 

They were sat on Aether’s desk, leaning their sore back against the wall, groaning as Aether worked his quintessence over him. They immediately felt their muscles relax, trying to remain sitting upright, in order to prove a point. That point? That they didn’t have to be constantly looked after, practically coddled due to their disabilities. It infuriated them how the others would act sometimes, treating them like they can’t walk on their own, can’t move period. Of course they knew it came from a place of good intention but it still annoyed them. There was always a reason as to why they refused to tell the others when they were in pain, so they could avoid the onslaught of ‘you sit down and we’ll get you things’, ‘why don’t I warm you up’, ‘don’t get up Zephy, you’ve done enough today’. 

‘Zephyr. Shut up, I’m taking care of you.’ Their head snapped up to look at Aether in annoyed confusion as to how he knew what they were thinking. As if Aether could read their mind he said calmly, ‘You tend to grumble when you get like this. Stop being a sour puss and let me heal you.’ 

Zephyr felt their face heat up with embarrassment at the other’s words, folding their arms across their chest and huffing as Aether tended to his exposed knees. 

The quintessence ghoul tilted his head at them annoyed, ‘Don’t get like that, my love. You know that you don’t make it easy for yourself.’ 

‘I know! I know damn well Aether. If it weren’t for this stupid vessel I wouldn’t be in this situation right now.’ they huffed. Aether knew there was no way of getting to them when they were like this, far too frustrated with their physical wellness to do the things other ghouls could do with ease. He understood where they were coming from, being limited himself due to overexertion from various occasions, but he knew there was no point in arguing with them because it always ended the same way. 

Aether stepped back for a moment, brushing his soft hands over the air ghoul’s rough knees, taking something from the drawer of his desk. 

‘Zeph, close your eyes and hold out your hand.’ 

‘Excuse me?’ 

‘Just do it.’ He watched as the ghoul scrunched up their face, brows pinching together into a scowl, nose wrinkling in the centre of their face, holding out a hand. Instead of feeling one of Aether’s on their own, they felt a cylinder of paper. Their scowl turned into a confused frown, opening their eyes to find a new packet of Werther's candies in their hand. They struggled to hide their excitement as they clutched it, their tail betraying them, thumping against the desk. ‘Thanks.’ they mumbled, their smile betraying them. 

Aether let out a satisfied sigh, smiling and shaking his head, ‘Now I think it’s time for the both of us to get some rest. Don’t you think?’ 

[crimeronan]

I feel like I would consider myself polyamory agnostic in a way, like I would maybe like for it to happen but I often fear that I don't have the ability to manage even one partnership, let alone multiple relationships, since I am often. So tired. I often find myself idealizing the "late" stage of a relationship when everyone already has settled into what to expect of each other and knows not to take it personally if someone falls asleep mid movie, for example. All this to say, how do you handle your relationship structure as a disabled/chronically ill person? Do you have any advice/thoughts on how it works for you? (I feel like perhaps you have posted about this before and I am just forgetting...)

oh this is a really good question! i'm not sure how relevant my life experience will be to you, particularly given that i started dating all three of my current partners before becoming disabled/crippled. but i am happy to share!

first off -- i 100% get romanticizing the late stage of relationships, sometimes you just need things to be chill and flexible. but i also don't think that this stage necessarily Needs to be reserved for Late Relationships?

like.... the older i get, the more upfront i've decided to be about my needs, especially with new people. granted, a lot of the people i meet these days are either disabled themselves or Get It -- my social circle is mostly queer spoonies in their 20s and 30s + much much older retirees that i hang out with at the local pool.

some people prefer not to be so open so quickly about their limitations, it is hard and scary to be visibly disabled, harder still to ask for help & admit that you might be inconvenient / a burden / take up extra space. this USED to be me until i said. eh. fuck it. after a certain point, wounded pride is just a mental construct

basically, like. when i'm online these days, you'll see me be clear about my limits with strangers - i'll say that if i stop replying to chats or asks, it's not bc i hate you, it's bc i'm tired or forgetful. that i can't guarantee responses to ppl, even people i'm already friendly with. that if my mood is bad or my pain levels are high, i won't engage in much social interaction at All. that my capabilities fluctuate wildly depending on the day and that i cannot be relied upon for consistent scheduling or posting or creative output

i'm similarly open with people irl. it helps that i'm often using mobility aids when i'm talking to people. the mobility aids sorta strip the possibility of pretending not to be disabled. it's kinda the elephant in the room. but it means that i can be like, "as you can see, i am very crippled. i may need flexibility with any plans that we make. due to being very crippled."

if people get upset by this or simply don't have the capacity to deal with it, that is fine! that's not either of our faults, no one's done anything wrong, we're just not in the right circumstances to mesh. i don't get hurt by that personally. i've honestly found that it saves SO much time and hassle and potential drama/heartache to set expectations right away. the only other option is to exhaust myself and end up failing to meet expectations regardless and losing the friendship after burning up a bunch of energy and social bridges. painful and bad!

so like... i can meet a new person, and if they're cool with My Whole Deal, then there's no waiting period before we're familiar enough for flaky behavior. i can be like, "i'm not sure i'll be able to walk tonight, is there a place to sit down at the event?" or "i'm flaring a little, is it okay for us to be kinda flexible about tomorrow's schedule?" or "hey, i'll get back to you as soon as possible i promise, i'm just fogged TO SHIT today [peace sign]" from day 1. it's great

i'm not saying that you Have to do this; i am aware that it breaches like seventeen laws of general social etiquette. i'm just saying that i have met many people who are totally chill about this! as long as you're chill and respectful of the other person as well, you can do whatever you want forever

that was not even relevant to the initial ask, so. AS FOR MY PARTNERS.

i actually don't find that my illness makes it harder to navigate my relationships at all. like i mentioned, i've been with all three partners for Many Many Years now. we know each other Extremely well, we're all extremely turbo autistic, we all have blunt communication down to a science. so saying "i'm not up for doing [x thing] tonight, can we take a rain check?" is super easy.

in fact, my partners can basically intuit a flare from just my physical movements and tone of voice, even before i say a single word. we are VERY familiar with each other.

.....and, alright. after fighting the urge to longpost i've decided to put the rest under a cut. YOU'RE WELCOME 4 THE RETURN OF YOUR DASHBOARDS. "why didnt you put it under a cut so much earlier" read my posts boy

anyway. click readmore to hear me expand upon just how fucking incredible and awesome and kind and generous and loving my People are

there ARE some ways that the illness has made it more difficult for ME to be the kind of partner that i want to be -- for example, i often lack the energy to provide proper emotional support during stressful situations, i have a shorter threshold for pain/irritation than i used to, i can't give 100% of my energy anymore and there have been times when that has resulted in hurt feelings in my partners.

(there have been far more times, though, when nobody's feelings are hurt and it's literally fine.)

in every case where feelings DID get hurt, we've talked stuff out and fixed it within like an hour. bc we all trust each other and know that we don't WANT to hurt each other's feelings. i never ever Ever say things with the intention of wounding my partners, and they know that. they never say things with the intention of wounding me, either, which is why our very blunt "hey, you need to change something you're doing" convos go so well. there's no need to tiptoe, it doesn't hurt me to know what they're thinking or feeling or needing.

sometimes things are just hard and shitty and we're all doing the best we can. this is just part of adulthood i think. especially adulthood in late stage capitalism, etc. the Biggest key to my polycule is that we are all much happier as a family than we would be without each other. the relationships are about as wholesome and healthy and non-toxic and openly communicative as they can get

the Other key aspect when dealing with my illness is that.... being polyamorous has actually been... SOOOOOO MUCH BETTER than being 1) alone, OR 2) in a monogamous relationship EVER WOULD BE?

it is Extremely Stressful for my family to deal with me being this sick. i am aware of that. but i haven't had to bear the brunt of it. not only do they support me, but they also all communicate with and support each other. so no one person is bearing the entire weight of the stress or pain or fear. and i don't have to comfort people over my own symptoms, which most disabled ppl i think would agree is.... exhausting

when i'm too fucked up to speak aloud, let alone support my partners the way i usually do, they ALWAYS have EACH OTHER as a safety net.

this safety net has been beyond vital for me personally, too. round-the-clock care from a single partner is insane and exhausting and leads to unraveling tempers. but when you live with two partners who can help cover your chores and cook and make sure you don't die of your Symptoms (TM)? that's much more doable.

it's HARD, bc literally everyone in the house is disabled to some degree, but it's doable. (it being hard is part of why my QPR is going to move in with us soon. extra hands!)

a few weeks ago, rafi (partner of 7ish years) went on a short vacation to visit family in california. and justice (QPR of 3ish years, best friend of 8ish years) booked an impromptu next-day plane ticket to come stay with me and vi (partner of 11ish years) while rafi was gone. because i was Very Sick. i was flaring horribly the whole time she was here, and she made meals and cleaned and ran errands and picked up medications and returned phone calls and lay in bed with me watching low-stakes tv shows and made sure i didn't stroke out without anyone there to help.

this meant that i basically got to stay in bed the whole time, which was very very Very needed. and vi -- who has a bad back -- wasn't unduly taxed with Literally All of the household upkeep in rafi's absence.

the same principle has applied when i've needed my partners to help cover my share of bills or my household chores or my errands or whatever. since there are three other people involved, the Immediate Support Net is much wider than in a monogamous relationship. especially bc all three of them have their own familial and friend support networks to reach out to!

having more people around is actually awesome for me. i don't feel like i'm expending a lot more energy than i would in a monogamous relationship, but i AM receiving a TON more support and care and love than would be possible in a monogamous relationship.

i guess the conclusion i'd make is: no man is an island, humans are hardwired to build large social support groups, and in a good relationship, you'll receive At Least as much as you give. right now i'm receiving a SHIT TON MORE than i give, and i do often feel pretty bad about it despite knowing it's not my fault.

but these people have chosen to be my family. and if they ever want to stop choosing me then they absolutely can. and if they need more from me or they need something Different from me, then they'll literally just tell me.

(i know they will literally just tell me because all three of them have literally just told me in the past. they're three people i can implicitly trust to say things like "hey, this thing you said made me sad / was unhelpful" and "hey, i'm really stressed out about [x thing], can we make a plan to deal with it?" and "hey, this situation is pretty serious and i know that you don't want to face it but i really need you to. i will take on whatever i can for you and support you the whole time")

so: yes it has been hard to some extent, managing three relationships while also being sick. but it is also a wonderful setup with a million unthought-of advantages & i am much better cared-for and much better AT caring because of it & i fucking Shudder to think how horrific being sick would be without them.

i love my family so much.

[sometimesraven]

20 Questions for AO3 Writers

I was tagged in this FOREVER ago by @the-frankenman-writes I'm sorry it took me so long to get to!

1. How many works do you have on A03?

89

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

84,067 (my fics are usually pretty short haha)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Quantum Leap (TV 2022) (18)

Dragon Age (Video Games) (17)

Detroit: Become Human (Video Game) (11)

Original Work (10)

Dead by Daylight (Video Game) (10)

The Witcher (TV) (6)

The Sandman (TV 2022) (5)

Doctor Who (5)

Elder Scrolls Online (2)

Critical Role (Web Series) (1)

Torchwood (1)

F.E.A.R. (Video Games) (1)

Mass Effect Trilogy (1)

The Champions (TV 1968) (1)

Baldur's Gate (Video Games) (1)

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

The Cold and Dark (Detroit: Become Human)

Holy, Holy, Holy (Original)

Her Sweet Kiss (The Witcher)

Just A Scratch (The Witcher)

Less Than Stellar Judgement (The Witcher)

(,,, people really like my Geraltskier whump fics huh XD)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! I respond to basically every comment I get, even if all I can usually manage is some variation of "sfkgjhsfkgj thank you!!" because I have no idea how to take praise but I want the commenter to know they mean the world to me

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angiest ending?

Ooooooooof uhhhhh probably the little Detroit: Become Human ficlet I did called I Will Go Down. TW for suicide XD But there are a lot of angsty fics on there so who knows lmao

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Most of my fics end pretty bittersweet but I think Hope (Doctor Who) is one of my happiest endings <3

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No, surprisingly! My fics don't usually have much reach tbf. The only time I got anything close to "hate" was an ableist saying my disabled Dragon Age Inquisition OC is unrealistic to the setting and would likely be "with their clan or dead".

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Sometimes! Usually it's abstract (a la Holy, Holy, Holy) or porn with feelings (a la A Tale of Yearning) but I've been known to indulge in a lil PWP on occasion

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Just one! I have an ongoing Torchwood x Quantum Leap crossover 'verse thanks to @chaos-of-the-endless 😂 I also wrote a Baldur's Gate x Dead by Daylight AU recently!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not as far as I'm aware

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I don't believe so (please tell me if you ever do!)

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

no but some of my fics were inspired by other people or based on RP I've done in the past

14. What is your all time favorite ship?

Oh don't even XD uhhhhh right now it's Jenn&Ian from Quantum Leap and Geralt/Yennefer/Jaskier from the Witcher but my shipping loves go so far back I could never name an all time favourite

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Family Reunion :( I've been trying to write it for,,,, basically as long as I've been writing but I can never finish it and then years pass and I hate it and think it's cringe and want to start it from scratch, rinse and repeat)

16. What are your writing strengths?

Taking an impulsive headcanon and running with it. I have so many ficlets just because I thought of a headcanon and NEEDED to put it to the page. I also enjoy angst and hurt/comfort, things that expand on already existing angst and make it WORSE :3

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

In fic writing it's definitely description. I tend to get carried away in dialogue and forget to Say Other Stuff but I think I have a good handle on it now. That and smut, I enjoy writing it but I have to be either In The Mood or shut off my brain so I don't cringe so hard I delete it all bc I struggle with explicit content and get embarassed when things I'm writing are at all Kinky bc I have a crippling fear of judgement

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language for a fic?

As a reader I enjoy it! As a writer, just be careful, stick to one or two words rather than full dialogue if you don't have the time or energy to deep-google that shit

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Doctor Who <3

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

this changes daily but at the moment I'm loving Something More and the rest of my Sandman fics revolving around the dream OC I made for it. I'm in love with them and I enjoy writing their dynamic with the Endless siblings too <3

Tagging: anyone who wants to do this <3

[trans-axolotl]

is it okay for perisex people to question if they may be intersex and do research even if they think they’re perisex and don’t think they have signs of it? is it good to do similar to the way questioning your gender (for cis people) is good too? or is it inappropriate to look into

Hey anon,

I think it's important to recognize the distinctions between intersex identity and experiences and other LGBTQ experiences. we are part of the LGBTQIA community but like, I don't think that it's always the most helpful to try to directly compare what our journey can look like with other dyadic LGBTQ journies because they aren't entirely going to look the same.

Sometimes I'm not even sure if questioning intersex is the right word to describe the process of intersex discovery-I think when you are questioning if you're intersex or not, it can be a lot more helpful to draw insight to disability community experiences around self-diagnosis rather than trying to compare it to like, questioning being trans. Because with being intersex there is this whole other physical aspect and possibly medical intervention and tests and I don't think people need to pursue medical intervention, but that can be a different experience than questioning being gay or trans where you usually aren't going to be engaging as much with the medical world or your physical body in that way.

So yeah, it's okay for perisex people to do whatever research you want- I'm not stopping you. If you don't have any intersex signs it's up to you if you want to spend your time doing in depth medical research and i don't know how beneficial some of the in depth info will be to you. I think if you don't think you have any signs of intersex variations, I'm not sure if considering this an intersex discovery process is helpful, and it might be more helpful to frame it as more just doing research, finding information, increasing your knowledge on intersex topics. Obviously if you're doing research and do find information that you think might pertain to you then that of course makes sense you would want to explore that. I also just don't know if I personally think that cis ppl need to question their gender or that it's inherently a good thing--I don't think it's a bad thing, I just think I personally more think of it as a morally neutral experience that people will have all different feelings about.

also i don't want you to take this as an attack on u, bc it's okay not to like, know all the nuances of intersex community topics. but i do want to say that something we get pretty frustrated with a lot in intersex community is the way perisex people often only engage with intersex topics if it's convenient to them, or on their terms. and when you frame learning more about intersex people as something you would only do because there's a chance you might be intersex even though you think you're perisex, that brings up some complicated feelings in me. i'm very used to perisex people only engaging with intersex topics when it benefits them, so it is a little uncomfortable for me to see learning more about intersex people framed as something you could only do if you were questioning being intersex. i don't think you intended it to come off that way and im not mad, but i do think it's worth considering the fact that this information is still valuable and a helpful way to be an ally regardless of whether or not you turn out to be intersex, and that i think perisex people need to reflect more on how they center themselves in intersex conversations.

anyway, long story short, it's always fine to do research on intersex variations, but i think it's important to realize that intersex questioning doesn't always look the same as other LGBTQ questioning processes. and also important to be aware of the trend of perisex people centering themselves in intersex conversations and consider ways to uplift the inherent value of intersex community + knowledge even when it's not beneficial or convenient for perisex people.

this answer's kind of a mess cause im tired but other intersex people feel free to add on or disagree, we have lots of different opinions and this is just my perspective.

[emiliosandozsequence]

If you're ever in the mood I'd like to hear about how you ended up getting diagnosed with Osdd-1b please 🙏 and a lil bit about treatment/living with it as well? Thank you for being open about this subject btw 💖💖💖💖💖

i guess the whole story starts in 2016 when one of my best friends at the time began to identify as a system. i really didn't know much about them at that point except that they existed and i was more familiar with the symptoms of DID rather than osdd-1b (like experiencing total amnesia, which i don't and never have). i did not at all think i had it, but as my friend started talking to me about their experiences and i started to learn more about the illness myself, i started to wonder if maybe i did, especially because of my level of trauma.

it took me two years to really go through my own journey of accepting i had it (which only happened bc an introject fronted so forcefully it forced me to confront some things about myself; tho tbqh the only reason i didn't accept it sooner was because someone else (not a professional of any kind) had convinced me i was faking) and then two more years to get officially diagnosed (tho i'm no longer working with that therapist for unrelated reasons).

i haven't actually been through any therapy for osdd-1b in particular because i have bad luck with therapists and a hard time opening up besides, but i definitely would like to do that at some point because i think it would be helpful (same with just trauma therapy in general; i have...terrible luck with therapists...like really really really shitty luck). i don't work bc i'm disabled and chronically ill so i can deal with our switches and stuff pretty easily, but even then i'm good at masking. i don't want to go too much more into it bc it's personal, but suffice it say i need a lot of therapy that i just haven't ever gotten due to being repeatedly failed by both my parents and the system

living with it can be really difficult because of the trauma and the mood swings and forgetting things constantly all the time, but sometimes it can actually be really fun too. like i have introjects in my head!! they're personifications of fictional characters and i think that's really cool!! i also have a whole world in my head, which i think is pretty cool too!! the only reason i don't talk about all of this more is bc people tend not to be very understanding of it tbh.

i appreciate you showing curiosity to understand this illness tho tbh!! there's a lot of misinformation out there about it and especially on this website, so i don't mind talking about my experiences and spreading awareness!! that being said, this Is a really personal subject, so there Will be things i won't talk about 💕

[0xo]

ughhhhh long rant incoming

gender feelings as a two spirit Indigenous person who's reconnecting are just.,, it's something. i am doing my best. i don't really have anyone nearby irl to talk to about this really bc like. my family situation is complicated. i know who i come from and i have ppl to talk to about it and yes it is very community based but i also feel very alone sometimes. bc most everyone immediately around me irl is white or not Indigenous and like, they're cool, love my friends, but... like... there's things you don't and shouldn't share with outsiders. and im so young that it's not my place to share at all really, im not an educator, im still learning every day. but it's kind of hard to not even really be able to explain this stuff to my wife/girlfriend/close friends. and i don't really like to be that open on the internet abt specifically being two spirit bc it opens up Assumptions and Questions from strangers about shit that really is not their business at all.

it's weird! i can say that i enjoy keeping my hair in the way i do, a style mostly associated with men in my tribe, it feels good. to rest in that masculinity. i really hate ppl trying to assign me as femme or butch when like... mmm... any masculinity or femininity i have is squarely outside of what most people around me can even conceptualize. my gender is so entangled with my spirituality that it's almost pointless to try explaining it to ppl who aren't already knowledgeable. and i find a lot of comfort in seeing two spirit people talk online openly, and then i feel like a coward for not being able to do that. but im not... like... a spokesperson or representative for my people, i am not qualified for it and i honestly just don't want to be. i just want to exist. but maybe exist in a space with other people Like Me. because as awesome as my trans friends are i still feel outside.

i don't even really know how to go abt finding two spirit ppl in my area to connect with and it's nerve-wracking to even approach bc so many ppl don't mask anymore and that's a whole other issue. i guess i just feel isolated on the whole and like. online connection has been great but. i want more people in my physical life who understand queerness through an Indigenous lens and are also considerate of physical disability and that just feels like asking toooooo much.

idk just in a weird spot. i don't talk about it a ton. everyone assumes i'm white bc like, i am, i am racialized that way and i know that and that's fine. highly aware of the privilege that comes with that and how i gotta be careful. but it also leaves me very little room to talk about my actual experiences and life and My Actual Gender Identity, without people getting way too invasive or just straight up racist / on some high horse about blood quantum / bullshit bullshit bullshit. so much bullshit.

i know it's not even a fraction as bad as what other ppl deal with, i know. and i will always stick up for other Indigenous people, especially Black Indigenous people who have their "validity" as Indigenous people questioned. bc it's all just a white supremacist way to disconnect us from our family and our heritage and our traditions. Indigenous is Indigenous is Indigenous and i know that.

just struggling a bit to find where i fit in with a local community. i hate feeling like i have to give up such an innate part of myself to participate in my local queer scene without being questioned/hounded 24/7 by (mostly white, 99.99% non-Indigenous) people. like please god quit treating me weirdly or like im some unerring fount of mystical knowledge, it's not For You, im really very tired of it. im so tired.

[frankiensteinsmonster]

^^ Important context that isn't talked about enough anywhere!!!!

Ignorance moment on my part my bad 🖐🏼 I should've stayed in my lane. I use multiple MAs but I main cane and wheelchair so that's my experience, and we don't have the same body and I haven't even gotten my own crutches yet so it's one of the few mobility aids I don't have personal experience with--thank you for bringing this to our attention and for also acknowledging the impact your accessibility needs have on other people bc sometimes those things just don't line up for lack of better word and I think that's important to talk about (ie. You Need to press the button with the end of your crutch while at the same time a wheelchair user would need to press the button with their hands) someone also mentioned their service dog pressing the button as well as concern for their hands being dirty due to use of their wheelchair in their area which was Also important to learn about and to be aware of both for compassion + solidarity reasons but also for personal safety! Thank you also for taking me and my post in good faith and for taking the time to educate-- I'm sorry people have been coming at you in person with wild behavior also,,,cause like... "Useless"???? That ain't correctional behavior. That is Only Ableism 😭 who says that??/rhetorical

We all share the world so tbh I do think it's just more responsible for everyone to just assume someone's touched the button with something that touches the ground regardless bc I feel like we're all painfully aware of the Pandemic Button Stomp™ (you know, when COVID first broke out and people who normally wouldn't even use the button were stamping it with their shoes to avoid getting COVID germs on their hands), but also now we know there's also people like you who aren't doing it out of ignorance or bc they don't care, but out of necessity! I think the answer is hand sanitizer and better automatic doors bc. Them shits do be closing fast as fuck for no reason AND there's obviously a flaw that needs fixing because the button is only accessible to the bottom of your cane and we have the means to not have that be a problem for you and others (apparently there's sensor ones?? But double apparently they don't work super well. My personal favorites are the kind of automatic doors they have at stores like walmart where you just walk in front of them and they open and Stay open until you are through bc then it takes opening the door yourself totally out of the equation, and you don't have to worry about the door closing on you as much, which for me, as someone who is notably impacted by the germs on the button, and for you, who isn't adequately accommodated by THE accomodation button; seems like the most inclusive way to grant people access through a threshold)

So yeah! It wasn't my intention at all to imply y'all were bad, but that's kinda what happened anyways by a total oversight on my end. I really think y'all get left out of conversations surrounding button etiquette bc honestly the only other time I've seen people talk about the button has been in regard to the COVID Stomp mentioned earlier and I think that's proven itself to be a harmful thing to y'all because you weren't represented during that conversation and now people think it's appropriate to hunt you down with a knife with no nuance

No ideas about you and your body also-- I trust you because you're talking about your own experience as a disabled person and as another disabled person,,,, if someone did that to me I would [insert physical violence of your chosing] them but I ain't here to fight I just didn't know better (I thought I ate and was starting a new conversation about being aware of the germs that can be present on our button bc this is an entirely new behavior to me that I was only recently exposed to with no context so I found it shocking that I haven't seen anyone mention it before but I'm even more surprised that I haven't come across people talking about experiences like yours bc you are literally just existing and I feel like no one realizes we're being dicks when we say stuff like that so instead of eating I actually starved bc I inadvertently mistreated an entire swath of the disabled community 💀 sorry y'all I'll do better)

so thanks again for that, I wish you weren't placed in a position where you felt the need to educate bc I always find the white hot rage annoying bc it's distressing and it doesn't stop until you finish your response and it pops back up whenever someone responds too so I apologize that I made you feel that way cause it was radiating through your words 😩🙌🏼 how'd you get your text so small btw?

[mueritos]

On autism: I'm the same way with social events and high versus low sensory periods. For me, audio is a big issue. If there's too much going on, I found that putting an earbud in (reluctantly not both, bc my campus had a lot of traffic and it's good to be aware of surroundings), music or not, it helped process stuff less. I minimized social events between classes and inadvertently made time to decompress by going to quieter spots to study/do homework.

As for the feeling of being stared at: It's ironic, but masks really help me feel more incognito. That, and wearing a baseball cap that has my favorite pins. I also (again, inadvertently) had small stims with me at all times: a hairtie, drumming my fingers in a consistent rhythm on the sides of my legs as I walked, and a pen with a silent click (Bic Atlantic black pen, my beloved).

Also, sorry to hear that your therapist wasn't great about you bringing up autism! Might have mentioned before, but mine was skeptical and likely for good reason since she specialized with childhood development. Idk if your therapist is willing to learn or if it's even an option for you to seek one that'll understand what's up, but I wish you good luck. In the end, research and observing your own behavior with an outside viewpoint will be most of the work of figuring out what hinders/flourishes for you. I hope this helps, even a little!

oh goodness I related to a lot of what you expressed here. If audio becomes too much, it starts to twinge in my ear and it can be physically painful to stay where i am, and sometimes Ive had to cover my ears. Wearing headphones, blocking it out with stuff i want to hear has been helpful, but yea I also have a fear of not being aware of my surroundings, so I rarely have it on high. I have been letting myself be okay with leaving places to decompress and do work; Ive found that im happier now doin so! I also drum my fingers and like to rock, and im trying to let myself rock in class but there r some classes I have to be "professional" in since im a TA...so I have find other ways to stim >.< because just sitting here still for 3 hrs straight is really exhuasting. I might have to look into that pen because I love clicking pens!!! and yes, I love masks because it hides my face and i feel less stressed about people looking at me, but hats sound fun!! when its colder I wear beanies, and it always felt like a hug on my head (until it got itchy lol)

And thank you, it was honestly a weird experience with her and it made me sad tbh to realize it wasnt good. Even when I tried to bring up childhood instances and things that I felt related to my adolescence, it was just shut down. I'm still open to anything, maybe its just worse anxiety or just sensory issues, but idk. Its all weird. Im just happy that autistic people and other ND folks have been nothing but supportive and kind to me. Im not sure how to proceed with my therapist, and she has told me she could always refer me to someone who is more knowledgeable and who can diagnose if needed, but its another step toward going to someone new and somewhere new and it just freaks me out. Im definitely going to be more involved in the disability and nuerodivergence club on my campus tho since theyre the folks who comforted me after that session ;;

thank u! i wish u the best my friend :)

[chemicalcarousel]

is it normal for the host of a system to having attributed your headmates' behavior/thoughts/opinions/ect to yourself before you were made aware of your plurality?

and is it normal for other headmates to having confused themselves as being you, the host, in the past?

(gonna do a "keep reading" for the rest of it, since it became a long rant about my& struggle with our mental health)

ig it's because we just thought that was what being one person was idk we do be a lil stoopid lmao. like... i remember some episodes where levi was close to the front or fronting with me where we were well aware that there was a levi there (name and all), but we thought it was a delusion or we just brushed it off as if it never happened. then we identified as otherkin/fictionkin (since levi is an introject from a fictional source). levi thought he wasn't his own person and he still seems freaked out by the thought of existing and honestly i dont blame him since i find existing freaky too hxkfsfksxs

i thought one of the littles was me doing involuntary age regression as some sort of emotional flashback, but idk my therapist thinks she's a seperate part and ngl it makes more sense. she's much different, but probably based on young me and holds our trauma from that time. i'm personally emotionally distanced to the trauma mostly, but she's the one holding it. every therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist that have met her are extremely surprised how i change so drastically. and they have all commented on how im not in touch with my emotions when i describe my trauma very analytically. but then sometimes "i" start acting like a scared child. i cant control it in any way. i especially cant control my body language, my thoughts, my emotions, and my speech. and after the episode is over i definitely have emotional amnesia. it was a dissociated child part

also the child has a passive influence on me from positive triggers too and it's hard to control that. let's just say we have a lot of plushies lmao but idk they are very cute and the big ones are good for especially the littles to ground and soothe themselves. sometimes hugging one also helps when a little is upset inside of the body. we have a hard time reaching each other inside the headspace, it's like we are lost in an infinite void of darkness where we can sense each other faintly at times, but it's so hard to communicate. but i hugged a big, soft plushie once i felt a little crying and i kept repeating that we are safe and that she's not alone and that we love her. idk why the plushie hugging helped, but my theory is that she might have felt it through our body and hugging that plushie helps her. she didnt seem to be at the front at all, but idk maybe she could still feel it?? idk how this works, my therapist has been very hesitant to help us, even though she's the one who was like "yeah you are three different parts, i've observed them all" (havent told her about lee bc we are scared and he only fronts when we are alone and he can do some activities he likes)

TW // suicidal ideation mention

our therapist is a licenced psychiatrist and psychotherapist who is specialised in mood disorders (we have bipolar), so maybe that's why she's so bad at handling our case. she's like "it's hard to work with your trauma when you're either not in touch with it or you're triggered to the point of closing off from the world". bruh........ we're trying our best here, you're supposed to like.... know what to do. there's a reason that we are here, if we knew how to handle this we wouldn't need therapy wtf. sadly we barely have an income high enough to live off of since we aren't allowed to work yet due to our strong anxiety and s//cidal ideation. also we dont have the right disorders to get disability (only schizo-spec or bpd, denmark is so stupid istfg). hhh life is so hard and we are super split on having hope for the future or not

TW OVER // suicidal ideation mention

anyway, a question turned into a rant (yet again). ig it's because we literally have no one to talk to about this. sorry hhhhgggg

~ Sof (she/he/they)

[all-or-nothing-baby]

okay. so. i do try not to moan too much on here but. BUT. i am feeling a little sorry for myself today. so fuck it.

(listing my Really Bad Day under a cut for anyone who likes looking at the car crash and wants to know what's going on with me, bc i don't want to bring anyone down with my bullshit).

i'm posting this not for sympathy but as an autistic who is very bad at self soothing—but who is really trying to get better at it. SO. i'm here to pls ask you for some things! (which is another thing i'm bad at but working on).

i'm requesting fic or poetry or art recs (hurt/comfort is my favourite trope but i'm up for most things!)... to be tagged in your wonderful creations (which pls note: anyone can do at any time anyway, just @ me)... for you to tell me about some good TV shows or films or ted talks or documentaries to watch, for albums to listen to etc etc etc... basically ANYTHING you think will be nice for me to consume/experience/enjoy...

i really would be most grateful :))

a huge ass thank you in advance to anybody who replies! <333

MY REALLY BAD DAY

so my many stupid bastard chronic illnesses have had me cancel yet another meet-up with friends... i luckily enjoy my own company a lot of the time but sometimes i just really, really wanna hang out with my bros, y'know? thus, said chronic illness is making me feel both physically (MCAS is affecting my stomach BADLY today) and therefore mentally like SHIT ON A STICK; i've just received a completely unexpected debt letter (for a rather significant amount) in the post, from an ancient account i barely remember holding from literally years ago when i was in hospital being diagnosed with bipolar and my brain (and therefore Real Life) went to shit for a good while; there's building work going on in the flat above me and i can hear the constant drilling etc even over my noise cancelling headphones, and my sensory issues are going fucking apeshit; also my joints are hurting so much i can't even do any artwork, which is my usual go-to comfort zone. oh OH and it's sunny out (which i fucking despise bc i'm a vampire ha), so all my cats have abandoned me to go lounge around the neighbourhood on warm concrete! this is on top of all the usual i'm-too-disabled-to-be-on-top-of-everything-therefore-everything-is-a-constant-mess bollocks. so anyways i am all alone like poor peter parker and Feeling Sad™. lol.

ps i'm aware none of this shit is THAT BAD, i'm just feeling it today.

pls just send me stuff! anything! x)

[nebulousboundsofthisworld]

ok I'm a little more coherent now & I think I can actually put some of this into words now. I've basically just been thinking about all the different discourse going around currently wrt ADHD/autism and how so much of it just perpetuates ableism and ableistic ideals. I'm gonna put this into a sorta list thing cause I can't connect it sufficiently well enough right now:

1. "autism/ADHD isn't a disability, our brains are just wired differently uwu"- okay but that ""different wiring" is still disabling to me!!! like if you don't feel disabled by your ADHD/autism I'm genuinely happy for you! that's great! thats not how all of us feel though!! and I'd say especially for autism it's a minority of us that'd confidently say they aren't disabled by their autism. and that's not a bad thing! being disabled isn't a bad thing, disability isn't a dirty word!! and it just feels very ableistic to insist on ADHD/autism not being disabilities!!

ALSO I only ever see "lower support needs"/lower level (I don't really know what the right term is currently) autistic people saying this and I feel like "higher support need"/higher level autistic ppl are always always excluded from these conversations. which can be ableistic in itself!

2. "if we didn't live under capitalism my ADHD wouldn't affect me"- again, happy for you, can't relate though! my ADHD impacts parts of my life that have nothing to do with a capitalist society. would some things be easier if we didn't have capitalism? for sure, yes. would I be "cured"? definitely not. my ADHD greatly impacts things that bring me joy, caring for myself and sometimes caring for others. no matter what economic system I live under I'd still need to like, feed myself, which is very hard on most days!

3. "ADHD people are valuable bc we are creative/spontaneous/good in emergencies/fun/etc."- actually ADHD ppl are valuable bc we are people!! we shouldn't need to solely focus on the positive qualities of ADHD (and therefore disregarding any struggles that come with ADHD) in order to "prove our value" to anyone!! I don't have any of the most commonly used "positive traits" of ADHD and I'm still worthy of respect and love and kindness!

i think the thing that connects all of these points is that it feels like through raising awareness about autism/adhd (GOOD!!GREAT!!) some ppl started to strip anything disabling from these neurotypes (BAD!!). People hate disabled people and don't want to be associated with disability and instead of working on that (internal) ableism they started saying that autism/adhd aren't actually disabilities throwing everyone under the bus who is actually disabled by them.

anyways theres probably way more to this, but im just trying to get my thoughts out right now bc i have seen way too much of this bullshit lately and im fucking tired.

Stop talking over people who have different support needs than you do!! and start examining why you are so adamant to disconnect yourself from diability & disabled people!!

(Disclaimer: I'm a low support needs AuDHD Person. If anyone with higher support needs/ higher level autism wants to share their perspective I'd be super grateful!)

someday soon I'm gonna go absolutely feral over the way ADHD and (differently bad but still) autism are being talked about online currently. I can't even begin to actually express why bc on one hand I'm very very happy that ADHD/autism are being talked more about (one of the reasons I was actually able to be diagnosed with ADHD!!) but on the other hand there's sooooo much misinformation out there and there are so many people trying to strip any actual struggles from them and also there's not enough higher-support needs/higher level autistics being involved in this whole conversation and also ""autism parents"" still exist & misinform others & often abuse their kids for views and I'm just gonna scream!!!!!

[britnxyspears]

I can get through anything the fact is I shouldn't have to and therefore... I don't want to.

This is what they meant by ignorance is bliss if I still believed everyone within my tax bracket has it this badly in life I wouldnt lose all motivation to just grin and bare it

but now that I found out other people have actually had it easier their whole lives despite income I'm actually just so incapable of trying to have a good outlook on anything. Why did my family fuck me over this badly why did my disabilities fuck me over so much I feel in comparison to disabled ppl I know irl. Like I never want to be a victim but at the same time I feel like 70% of me not wanting to be a victim is some acquired internalized ableism in and of itself. I just dont want to seem like a Taylor Swift lol. But god DAMN finding out you have been taking a harder test than others without knowing it leaves you feeling distressed. :/

I sometimes wish my mom miscarried me which is a terrible thing to say as a disabled person but I really do feel so fucking useless and like everyone is walking on eggshells with me bc they dont want me to feel like that and I still do in fact feel like this. I cant do anything right. My own body can't do anything right. It's not even my body's fault so I can't even be angry at myself but being angry at myself is the only acceptable outlet. Otherwise I think I'm just going to sound like I'm trying to be oppressed or whatever (which is what most therapists have insinuated about me to the point where I'm hyper aware of it now lmao)

[bandofchimeras]

Re: autism, trauma and emotional labor of survival

I've beaten myself into a hollowed out anxious wreck trying to maintain a facade of being decent and likable and cool and what tbe fuck ever it would take for people to keep talking to me, include me in things. Mostly bc i live on the edge of poverty acutely aware of possibly needing to survive or get medical expenses paid via fundraiser. Maintaining lots of points of contact feels vital.

Itdoesn't work, and in fact backfired in then doing vulnerability oversharing honesty whiplash like hey actually, I am a MESS please don't leave me or Now I Really Need Help and like....

that's toxic, and its exhausting and I'm fucking sick of it. But I have to point this out:

when you're traumatized & autistic, "just be yourself" DOES NOT WORK THE WAY YOU FUCKING THINK IT DOES. you can NOT be yourself at work all the time, especially if you want to advance. You HAVE to control your moods, your tone, your sensory experiences, or advocate for yourself in advance. in many places publicly it is dangerous to stim or frolic or even to zone out, much less to meltdown. you don't just get to relax without experiencing a lot of literal uncalled for hate. you will be disliked and people will constantly find problems with you even if you mask. On the internet, you will offend or upset or confuse people.

Its literally inescapable.

So stop pretending socializing can be easy for everyone if they just relax. That's so silly.

When you're autistic and traumatized,, you have to find your people. who understand, accommodate, and love you, who can be honest when you make mistakes without roasting you over the spit. y

To heal, you have to create a really nice and safe space in your own home to decompress and YOU and the other people in your family, chosen or otherwise, determine what that means. Not any arbitrary social rules about Good Behavior. You have to find a big support system.

And not everyone can or does. Not everyone gets there. Especially physically disabled autistic people. Especially trans autistic people.

There's a lot of abuse, codependency, getting stuck, falling in with the wrong crowd, while you try to figure out survival.

And while I don't mean to paint a bleak picture and its very very possible to create a beautiful loving life while disabled, autistic, traumatized....I wish someone had been real with me early on about the risks, and popped some of my idealistic bubbles. Given me a good schooling on red flags, on navigating welfare, on social rules and what to expect from people.

It doesn't just get better.

You have to fight to make it better and even then sometimes...it just is what it is. You're not immune from getting kicked down the drain pipe. Life's like that and yeah. It sucks.

Thats the whole reason WHY being kind is important but being kind all the time will also not always help you survive. Your soul needs protection too. And so....

Its okay to mask. Its okay to study NT society and get along. Its okay to live under a lot of pressure so you can keep yourself or loved ones afloat. Its okay to reconcile with the parasitic selves constructed by your pain. Its okay if you never fully heal because life doesn't stop beating you down. Its okay not to be where you thought you would be or have to make choices you don't want to make to survive. You don't have to be relaxed and full of pleasure and wonderful experiences even if you deserve them, you just have to keep going and carve out time and space for them when you can.

And I'm rooting for all of us to make it out of survival mode and find the goodness that can lift one another up. But it is hard. And for some of us, those very vital social relationships that enable survival are the hardest things to find and maintain while being ourselves.

Some days positivity and hope are nice. But tonight I need to be real. And its okay. It really is okay. If you're alive, fed, and relatively safe....you're doing wonderful. And there is always another chance to connect, or get to somewhere better. But its okay to just be where you are now, too. Even if its alone or in a life you never would have wanted.

Don't give up just because its harder than you expected.

Its not your fault.

[lilolilyr]

I've an idea for an Andromaquynh fic that I won't write because I have too many others already, so if anyone wants to do it feel free, just let me know so I can read ittt, credit me w/ the idea & link to this post!

(If you're not into Andromaquynh, Sry in advance for the long post w/o readmore, my app is bugging and won't let me add one)

Andromache is a car accident victim who ends up disabled- not very visibly so, and many don't believe her when she says so, but she has scars under her clothes and her right leg will never quite stop aching. Most importantly, she has lost her memory, and also trouble retaining new memories if she doesn't basically focus on learning things by heart. She didn't even remember her name when she woke up, and she picked Andromache out of an old story she liked, but now mostly goes by Andy- even though her old identity has at some point been found out, and a different name entirely is on her passport.

She meets Quỳnh in a support group for disabled people that her docs told her to go to and that she feels constantly out of place in. Quỳnh is recovering from a bad illness or accident, she doesn't want to talk about it much, but she used to be an acrobat and now she is too weak to even walk far without a wheelchair. At first, Andy is torn between pitying Quỳnh for losing that when she herself can physically do most things again even if they do cause her pain, and resenting her because at least she still remembers her past, and once she does recover she will be entirely the same person, not the shadow of her former self that Andromache often feels like!

But then they actually get to know each other, bond over snarky comments and liking horses as well as action movies with actual storylines instead of solely explosions, and Quỳnh helps Andromache learn Vietnamese- which she does as a memory training technique, though she has to admit to herself that it being this language in particular is mostly for Quỳnh. And it's good, some days are still bad for each of them, Quynh having physical relapses and Andy going through depressive episodes, but they help each other through it all, they start seeing each other outside the support group too, sometimes, and it's wonderful, even, Andromache wants to ask Quỳnh on a date next week-

But Quỳnh never shows up to the session, and neither does she answer her phone.

Nobody knows anything, the therapists and doctors won't tell her anything, 'patient confidentiality, sorry, I know you are her friend', and Andy curses herself for not having asked out Quỳnh sooner, maybe having been added to her file as a contact... Now the only thing she can do is wait.

And wait.

Because Quỳnh doesn't show up to the next group session, nor the one after that. And Andy's not stupid, okay? She knows Quỳnh still had relapses, and she is well aware that she actually has no idea what kind of illness or injury Quỳnh even /had/, so what if- what if-

Sometimes, she hopes that Quỳnh just moved on and forgot about her and is completely fine somewhere else, wherever she is now.

Other times, she cries into her pillow because she feels abandoned, by fate, by Quỳnh herself, by her own memory because she can barely remember the way Quỳnh smiled anymore.

~

& I'm incapable of writing unhappy endings so if I were to write this into a proper fic they'd get together in the enddd, however as already stated above I don't have the time... still, if sb does write that, Happy Ending pretty plsss?

Some ideas for your consideration:

- Quỳnh was in a coma, wakes up again and goes looking for Andy

- She relapsed and had to be taken to a special clinic out of the country where also no phones are allowed as the signal could fuck with medical equipement

- Quỳnh had a final dangerous surgery and didn't want to tell Andy because there's a good chance she will die in it

(& the next one's my fav, if possible in combi with the last one)

- Andy goes volunteering at a hospital or sth bc she feels the need to pay back & also figure out what she wants to do in her new life, then finds out one of her patients is Quỳnh, who's in a coma! She is shocked, but glad to finally know what's going on and even more so to learn that she might still wake up alright, talks to her on her shifts and sometimes stays longer just to stay at her bedside.

She talks about everything and anything, from books over support group gossip and the weather to personal things like how she misses Quỳnh, how abandoned she had felt by her and how sorry she now is for these thoughts and how much she hopes that Quỳnh is going to wake up... and that she loves her, she really loves her, even though they had never even gone on a date. The last part she only ever whispers, half afraid that Quỳnh is able to hear her, yet desperately hoping that she does.

Of course Quỳnh does wake up, and she remembers every word <3

Feel free to reblog!