#bc I should get a job its not that fucking hard
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FINE ill review it DAMN
Review of hellraiser heartbreaker
Playlist:
Murder on the Dancefloor - Sophie Ellis Bextor
Tommy Gun - Royal Republic
Do I Wanna Know - Arctic Monkeys
Tell Me The Truth - Two Feet
Undisclosed Desires - Muse
Jolene - Beyonce
I Wanna Be Yours - Foxy Shazam
Chapter 1.
Yoo lmao young wolvie is like "whats wrong with this guy?" And wades SOOO excited to be beat the shit out of.
"Let my babt boy go >:( you big meanies" ahh wade you silly thing.
Sokay baby boy dawww
Flirty kitty it is
Remeber kiddos introducing two wolverines in a very small area is NOT advised. Young wolvie is like a kitten, his hair going up and growling because hes scared and Logan growling to admit dominance and maturity over him. Jeez lousie.
"Ahahah behave" wade honey I bet logan loves when you defend his place in your life.
Chapter 2.
Oooh what a good start I love how hes sitting here staring at wade because he knows him and logan is NOT having it. He knows what young pups try to do, they try to steal your mate and hes not about to let that happen.
Pfft logan really said "ah hell nah id fuck anything back then im coming too"
THEY FUCKING VAN GOUGHED ME HAS TO BE ONE OF THE BEST LINES EVER
“This is why you’re my favorite.”
Logan tried hard not to smirk at that. He failed.
That right there confirms that wade KNOWS logan is jealous already and is lowkey trying hard not to entice younger wolverine too much because he knows he's gonna kill him.
I should thank Wade then. I should thank him very thoroughly .”
Oh so youve chosen death little one?
"Gotcha you pointy little bitch!" Me at my splinters.
Aww man wade is being so careful with both of them, hes just less careful with you logan cause your younger has a collar on right now thats all.
Did you forget your wade is one of the top mercs there is? He never has NOT gotten a job done, which means handling wolvie with care you stupid old man.
Chapter 3.
Yo he already said no once. Leave it.
He finna kill you, you better start acting right.
“I said no.” There was no hint of playfulness or friendliness there. Just finality. It was enough to make Wolverine back down.
See? I told you. God you little degenerate. You need trained that no means no sheesh.
Yeah those hips are quick but they aint for you
Awwww logan got him rabbits like a good hound dog. Bro really said "man I need to impress my mate lemme go kill some innocent rabbits to eat"
Finding food and showing how reliable he could be to Wade.
“Oh Logan,” that was a new tone from Wade. Affectionate. Directed at Logan. Not at him.
Yes exactly.
Wade brought me home
He sure as fuck did. He might as well collar you with his name on it too. Big strong boy. All jealous of a little inexperienced wolvie. Psshh lets be so for real.
“I don't see a ring, asshole.”
“Don't. Fucking. Touch. Him.”
ALEXA!! PLAY SINGLE LADIES FOR THE EPIC FIGHT THATS ABOUTA HAPPENA
Suddenly, the tip of a katana pushed against Logan’s cheek.
“What did I say about fighting?” Wade panted, his white eyes glaring. There was that seriousness in his voice again. Logan rolled his eyes at him. The katana pushed into Logan’s cheek until a trail of blood came out.
tHIS IS WHAT I KEEP SAYING!! wade does NOT fuck around when it comes to jobs! He was taught and trained to ALWAYS finish the job. Hes terrifying bro I would literally kill myself if I knew this man was after me because id be afraid hed play with me and not kill me fast enough.
Both of you need to settle your shit. I can’t have you guys fucking my mission up
Exhibit B. Do NOT come between an adhd man and his dopamine and his dopamine is finishing missions and getting cash.
Ooh my poor baby though. Like seriously you need a shock collar and maybe neutered bc holy hell no is non existent to you but you just miss your own. Its a shame yours always dies. Its really not fair. But you cant just go stealing other peoples wades either. Hes limited edition baby. If him and his poolcule dont invite you you cant touchy.
Got inspired by PrettyPonyRideToHell’s fic Hellraiser, Heartbreaker
Never knew I needed Worst Wolvie having to deal with his little shit, younger self and with Wade ofc caught in the middle 😌✨
#deadpool and wolverine#poolverine#logan howlett#wade wilson#deadpool#deadpool 3#wolverine#deadclaws#fic review
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I feel the weight on me every single day how badly I need to get a job, I know I need a job, I feel so much guilt about it, but I dont think I can handle a job right now with school and on top of that my assorted undiagnosed disabilities and chronic fatigue make it so hard and I just cant I know I need to but I cant
#tw vent#I just#dont know what to do anymore#everyone I know is always talking about jobs#and It makes me feel so guilty#I know I need one#I know im privileged that my parents cant help me pay for college and gas#and that theyre not forcing it on me too hard#bc I drive around my brother and stuff for them#but I still fell so guilty#everyone I know has jobs and theyre not but but sometimes it feels like theyre rubbing it in my face#im so tired#I feel like theyre thinking of me worse bc I dont have a job#and maybe that theyre right to#bc I should get a job its not that fucking hard#but my disabilities are invisible and nobody knows how hard it is to just get out of bed in the morning#most days im too tired to feed myself#most days im too tired to talk at least for a few hours#I cant
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sitting in the parking lot thinking i might vom
#it's a chain place and ive been on the other side of places like this#(i wasnt an interviewer but i was friends with them)#and there at least people would show up late + in sweats for the interview and they'd get it!#they would show up with 'oh yeah interview today almost forgot' and they'd get it!#meanwhile im having a breakdown trying to do everything right and perfect#making sure i look nice but not too nice bc again its a chain fast food place and i cant try Too Hard#also these pants dont have belt loops and they tend to shift#AND my right hand is swollen from the wasp sting yesterday so im worried its gonna be 'wtf is wrong with you'#but also shouldn't it say something that im here anyway even though i could have rescheduled#but then its like... im not gonna kill myself for this place like i did at mcd and does it give that impression?#or should i have rescheduled bc they'll think it's bad decision making to come anyway with my hand swollen#also worried that i should have parked nearby and come over closer to the time bc am i the freak sitting in the parking lot#but at least im early! but am i too early? but im out here not rushing them. but should i be so they know I Am Interested#not to even mention wtf im gonna say to them to explain my employment gap#and im so paranoid that im gonna go in and say im there for an interview and they're gonna be like ???#bc it was through an automatic text/email thing when i applied#which was how my last job happened but idk. maybe im an idiot and it's all fake so they can point and laugh#and i KNOW thats ridiculous. but that's how it feels rn.#also im worried they'll ask if i want something to eat/drink and i dont know the right answer#like i feel like i should say yes bc what do you mean you wont eat here? but the wrong thing means im taking advantage#and how will i be if im actually working there?#and its all so dumb bc#AGAIN people roll out of bed confident and they're fine. meander their way through and theyre fine. theres no reason to think i wont be#but ANXIETY#its gonna be an out of body experience no matter what and later I'll wonder about all the things i dont remember#if i fucked up or not#and now i have to go in bc it's 7 minutes until my time and i want to be a little early but not too much#fuck#wish me luck#ks talks
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#ay. tomorrow might b the day i face the music#which is to say. i tell my advisor how fucked i am. i mean. ill spin it so it doesn't sound so bad#its just that ive told him like 2 weeks in a row that id send him my edited preproposal and i have not bc im too afraid to start reading#papers related to my project. which is frustrating. and like the thing is. and i kno ive said it before and i kno im not a fucking idiot#i can read papers and i can even understand what theyre broadly saying. but thats it.#zero critical thinking. zero insight. i use all my tiny fucking brain space to try to understand the words on the pages#and even then it only forms this broken fucking image of whats being said. like u dont understand. i used to struggle with writing papers bc#i couldnt fucking connect what i was saying from one paragraph to the next when i was the one doing the fucking writing.#what the fuck am i doing here? and again. im not stupid. i can follow the information if its fucking said out loud but thats not how this#works. and it just feels like sometimes there's a limit to what you're capable of and im at that fucking limit. the undergrads in my lab#have more ability to comment on papers than i do. its so fucking frustrating and i just have to live with knowing itll never get any easier#so what the fuck can i do other than drop out? theres no god damn way im gonna pass a comprehensive exam. not unless i buckel down and break#myself in half to try to retain all the information i need to. which requires that i read so many god damn papers that i cant fucking read.#just. why tf did i pick a career path where my suffering is inherent to a huge part of my job? i feel like ive consistently chosen to take#the hard path in life and ive finally stumbled too far from what is possible for me#so well see what comes out of my mouth tomorrow when i have my weekly meeting. i just feel like its my last semester#i feel like this is it. i just need someone to fucking hire me. bc everytime my lab mate mentions something abt#my project down the line or talks abt future conferences i should attend. im just like. its a nice idea but that's not happening. im just#at the end of the line and it sucks#unrelated
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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if i might bitch about work for a second: yesterday was hellishly bad despite being able to keep up with it and i found out that apparently our department made 4600 dollars yesterday which is making me angry beyond belieffffffff
#this is math i do fairly often bc i enjoy ho-hum math and hate my job and like#even if we took off 2000 bucks for overhead costs which feels excessive but i will concede it#that would be enough to pay everyone working a little over 860 dollars which is 300 more than what i make in a WEEK#literally WHEREEEEE IS IT WHERE IS IT GOING WHERE IS IT#i dont like following this logic through because on days where there are fewer orders we;d do less#and i disagree with gig work's implementation as ive seen it and i think that would stress people out worse than we already are#(which is significantly)#but at the same time. 850 dollars. i cant afford to buy groceries this week. 850 dollars...#can i get a BONUS or SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#it makes me soooo angry i was talking to one of the deli guys who asked for a raise and got denied mid-question#before our director accidentally showed him that their department is four thousand of gods own dollars under labor#its so revolting to me i talk to so many people in this store who are terrified because of medical bills or rent or car shit#half my department works two jobs just to get by and ALL OF THEM drive junkers#honestly one of the things thats scaring me about if i actually move out is that i do rely on...living with my mom#i pay for most of my own food i pay an absurd amount of rent to share a room with her but she's willing to drive me to work#even though i've offered to walk multiple times and she REALLY should prioritize her own time more#but at the same time...not having to pay for rides has been carrying me hard#if i got a car i'd be fucked because those things bleed money and generally ethically i disagree with cars#but if i dont its like okay pony up the money learn to navigate buses (except for sunday when they dont run) or get ready#to walk to your job where you walk all day and then walk home in the dark#which. i love walking. and listening to music on my own while walking. so bad example. but i also love not having my feet hurt#all the time always no matter what im doing which is something im becoming increasingly unfamiliar with#its like. ultimately. something's gonna get fucked no matter what#and then i hear a figure like 4600 and i remember how avoidable all of this shit is. how avoidable it is for ANY of us#our ceo is gonna walk away from this merger attempt with 5 billion dollars in safety-cushion money#the 10 top execs beneath him with 1 billion#and its just so. what can you even do. 5 billion. can a number like that even mean anything? how could you possibly need that much#850 dollars would be a lifechanging amount of money for me right now and im not even one of the worst off#its just. god. this world could be anything but what it is but its this and for what
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wheres that post about how its hard to have like a fucking depression spiral or whatever while knitting bc lemme tell u im sitting here fighting back tears while actively crocheting and its not fucking working
#toy txt post#depression spiral self worth spiral the world sucks and everything is bad and stupid spiral#whatever you want to call it. im fucking miserable and my eyes keep watering and making it kinda hard to see the fucking stitches#guess thatd be less of an issue if i was doing a standard moss stitch instead if a modified variant w half doubles and working into the#stitch under the space instead of in the chain space which is a little more annoying and fiddly to find than the chain space#whatever. its all the same stupid fucking shit anyway. whatever whatever whatever whatever#nothing matters everything is stupid and sucks and whats the fucking point! god#and then dad will just get home and sternly scold me for not looking for a job anyway#as if i could currently fucking handle being asked what my fucking strengths are or whatever#and i bet fucking period is not fucking helping cos hormone fluctuations do weird shit to emotions i fucking guess. whatever#i feel like my head is going to explode#'just let yourself cry let it out!' no. its fucking inconvenient and doesnt even release all the stupid fucking feelings it just leaves me#exhausted and wasting a bunch of fucking tissues. whatever#im a stupid lazy bitch whatever and im Not. but i am#what does it matter#i cant even deal with the fucking ants in my bedroom im just hiding from them in my brothers empty room#i washed all my bedding but havent remade the bed bc im like oh i should wait for the ants to be gone#cant do anything. cant do fucking anything at all ever#i should get out of the house and touch grass and that would be good for me but like. where#i shouldnt even leave the house bc im not insured and what if i get into a car crash? i hate everything#negative#whining
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u know what i've been thinking about. how the economy expects you to be, right now, at a job you've been at and consistently getting raises in for like, ten years. it's almost like the implication is "well yeah, you'll be able to live off this job in three, five, ten years if you stick with it and grow in the company" which is all fine and dandy, but i kind of need to live right now
#the queen of trash has spoken#rewrote this post six times and it turned into an essay both times and i don't really need it to lol#also thinking about the graphic i saw this morning that said the average spending power of $100 here is $41 compared to the national averag#which i guess? min wage is just over $16 here. but uhhhhhhhh i think my city is one of the most expensive in the state as far as cost of#living goes (not hard since we're the second largest city in a state of three decent sized cities and mostly large towns)#and its just crazy bc i look at my coworkers some of whom haven't been there much longer than me#who have kids and a house and stuff#and i realize oh. their husbands are engineers or lawyers. plus they're probably making more than me because they're team leads or managers#or have been there longer. meanwhile my 25 year old ass is making $20 an hour and my boyfriend is making $18 an hour#both doing highly-specialized work#and like. the idea that in ten years if i last that long both in the company and in this mortal coil#THEN i'll be making a living wage (in today's money)#is like. so wack! considering the fact that people really aren't staying in jobs for very long for various reasons#and for some positions the only way to get a raise is to move to a whole new company#it's just crazy! the fact that a 25 year old with a bachelor's degree can't even afford a fucking APARTMENT.#like everyone should be able to have housing obvs and the obvious solution to this is a universal basic income#but the fact that my experiencce in the economy is so different from my brothers (who is seven years older than me) and COMPLETELY#unrecognizable to that of my parents when they were my age. like i know billionaires are totally disconnected from reality#but in what universe is this a successful economy? /rq i know the answer i promise
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During the writers and actors strikes going on rn it's been making me think of Newsies (fucking love the musical, 100/10) and I just wanna know one thing. It's a VERY popular musical that Disney has produced TWICE (movie music, 1990s I believe, Broadway recording, 2016 ish). So I believe I can safely assume that at least some of the higher ups in some of these companies have seen it, or at least know the plot.
And if they do, DID THEY LEARN NOTHING? THE ENTIRE SHOW IS ABOUT THE NEWSPAPER DOING EXACTLY WHAT THEY'RE DOING AND GUESS WHAT? THEY GIVE INTO THE DEMANDS AND COMPROMISE
and here's the fun bit, it's based on a true story. So if some poor kids were tired of getting taken advantage of in the late 1800s and got the big old rich guys to listen to them. What makes you even PONDER that these writers and actors (some of which were PART of productions of these kinds of stories) are going to give up and continue to be taken advantage of? Get a fucking grip AND PAY YOUR FUCKING WRITERS AND ACTORS
You guys would be NOTHING without them. Disney wouldn't have made it these last 100 years without everyone working their damn hardest to make a movie everyone can love. Netflix, Hulu, Prime, and everyone else would be distant memories without the hard fucking work people put into their jobs. SO PAY YOUR FUCKING WORKERS
Those workers add HUMANITY and emotion and care into everything they do and that's not something you can replace with a fucking robot either
#writers strike#actors strike#heres an idea#PAY YOUR WORKERS#i love you Newsies for letting me develop this lovely thought#waiting for the day that ceos take their heads out of their self abeorbed asses#like is really that fucking hard#they say that they cant give into demands bc then itll show their week or some shit#but in all honesty showing you care for your workers and giving them what they deserve is a good thing and will make people like you more#i know its shocking but its true#im quitting my job today bc im not treated fairly and dont get paid enough#these people dont want to quit their jobs bc they love what they do and what it brings to people and they have the opportunity to fight#should they need to fight hell no but THEY CAN#so maybe these fucking dumbasses should LISTEN TO THEM#bc i sincerely believe they are horrendously underestimating how long people will fight for what they deserve#ok im going to bed now
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kindof losing my mind bc uhhhh. how am i supposed to like. afford to live.
#i am going to whisper in the tags bc i feel odd about YELLING my bs into the void#i do not have a job yet largely due to physical and mental disabilities#but when i DO start searching for one its like. 90% of online job listings out there are ghost listings#basically none of them hire disabled people and i have disabilities that REQUIRE accommodations#my job search is significantly narrower bc of my disabilities theres a ton of shit i just straight up cannot do#and they all pay about 1 ball of lint & two quarters.#i live in california which thankfully is (relatively) safe for me to transition#but its also. California. which is. Expensive. to live in.#and i have medications i NEED to be a functioning person monthly#on top of taking T at some point#so like ummmmm. chat am i fucked!!!!!!!!!#i could leave california but where do i even go thatd be safe for me AND affordable#its just so hard to get motivated to be independent right now when like. im 18 years old and i can barely walk anymore#im grieving my physical ability at 18 years old#i should be doing that at 70#and everything costs So Much theres no fucking shot i find anywhere in california i could afford IF i can even FIND a fucking JOB I CAN DO#unless i wanna live with my mom forever (who is constantly wearing on my mental health and i DESPERATELY need some distance from)#or live in a literal closet for $2000 a month#what if i have to sacrifice my meds to pay rent i literally am not a functioning human without them so i 100% could not work while off them#idk shit looks so fucking bleak for everyone right now but being disabled makes it a hell of a lot worse#i used to be excited about being independent now i just kindof dread it. or it seems more like a pipe dream#i dont wanna live with my mom til im 25 yall#and transitioning is expensive. and my mom is not going to cover my medical bills lmfaoooo#and idk whats going on with my physical ability so im probably going to have to pay for more doctors appointments#and tests and TESTS AND TESTS#for possibly years#til they figure out what the fuck's wrong#just not excited to live in poverty bc i am a young person in america and basically every young person in america is living in poverty atm#and also not excited to live in a world where i walk with a cane at 18#original
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Uni lecture is making me think about my future for a minute and auuuggghhhh the agonies
#personal#taking a brief break from it bc the feeling hasnt quite overwhelmed me yet but i dont think I'm going to be okay by the end of it!#its asking me to consider what my strengths are. what kind of role I'd like to have in the industry when i graduate#these are questions that i SHOULD certainly have answers to but they kind of just make me not wanna be alive yk? bc i have no answers#I'm not really good at much. like the things I'm best at I'm still completely unexceptional#what are my strengths? don't have any. next question#what job do i want to have in the industry? well that requires an answer to the first question doesn't it#not to mention it requires me to think about graduating and having a job and I've simply never imagined myself getting that far#and i can only give this so much of my attention span bc I'm also thinking about how hard i failed my modules from last semester#my best grade this year has been a c#one of them is a marginal fail meaning i do the reassessment this year (i think)#the other is a hard f. what does that mean? do i resit the entire course next year? maybe#and i can't look it up just yet bc i need to make it through the lecture bc I'm really far behind this other module already#and it's only week 3 and i have a presentation tomorrow#and if i stop watching it im not convinced I'll bring myself to start watching again!#so instead i was just sitting here trying not to get overwhelmed by all of the things i should be thinking about!!!#that's why I'm making the post tbh. just to organise my thoughts and get it out of my system and give myself time to breathe#and my phone keeps buzzing while i type and if it does that one more time i will launch us both out of the window I'm so fucking done#semester has barely begun and im so fucking overwhelmed already#I've joked about being the token nt mutual before but honestly the past few years I've just been getting gradually more convinced I'm not#this can't be how everyone else is experiencing life. surely#like dude I'm so out of fucking touch w the concept of being a human#so in summary: augh the agonies
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Why do you have to write a story for other people to see it I feel like my brain is being stretched in twenty different directions with all the shit I want to make but low energy & not enough time & my own sense of shame makes it so that I’m not doing anything. Gahhh
#Remembered Petrichor and that little story I wanted to do with her…. Baby I have ignored you so hard I’m sorry I promise I still love you-#-ya dumb little freak#There’s also the Carsoro stuff and then the AU with that Sage I posted and I also wanna share dracula bs and like dread knight stuff and aa#Ahhh!! Do you get it!! Why do I have to work a job why can’t I draw little guys. I say knowing in my free time I just decompose watching-#Youtube videos about shit I don’t really care about and playing Isaac for the millionth time in a row#Idk if all rogue likes would be like that for me but Isaac is like. Bad. Edmund I think said he had adhd. That makes sense bc that game is-#-like. The perfect time waster for my brain with its broken ass reward system#My doctor was suprised I wasn’t being treated for my adhd maybe I should bite the bullet and try to see if being on smth for it would make-#-me feel less. Ehhhh#Or at least off antidepressants. Like Christ I feel like water with no ice a lot of the time that can’t be normal#Chatter#I’d say sorry for goign off on a rant but this is my blog I do what I want#I think a big problem is I’m lonely and want irl friends but like. How the fuck do you do that. I was not socialized enough as a puppy#Also I want to. Be open about being Toby but like Christ I’d be jumping in headfirst without even knowing where to begin#I haven’t researched like. Dick or shit about the medical side of it and even just socially transitioning like how the fuck would I explain#Idk. I don’t want to be like. Hated by my own family. I don’t think that would be the case but god. God. I have a fucking anxiety disorder
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The way that the sun hits leaves and clouds. I feel like I could watch the colors change forever. If I could slow down for that long.
#i keep forgetting a have a deck now. i can go outside and sit there#im doing that now. sitting in the corner of a deck full of empty chairs. staring up at a big pine tree where the sun is striking it gold#at the top. i like how thr light hits the needles. if the sky was black it would look like its on fire#theres a tree outside my bedroom window too. in the morning. after the sunrises it catches thr light and refelcts the most perfect shade#of green. the kind of green that flutters translucent like youre looking up from the bottom of a pool. the light the light its all about#the sun. everything everything is about the sun. when i start my project I'll be focused on understanding how organisms catch the light bc#its so incredible and complicated it would make my chest swell to bursting if there wasnt an empty bleeding wound in my gut. a#metaphorical wound of course. i dunno. its just difficult bc right now my mood is inflated by hormones. not even that much i think I'm#just at what shoulf be a normal level of happiness so i can be slow for a minute. but just a minute bc i kno it won't last long#sorry i cant shut the fuck up when im like this but i dunno i just feel like i havr to document these ephemeral moments before they're gone#its just difficult when you kno the world is so full of beautiful things but 95% of the time your eyes are too clouded to see it#everyone tells me i work too much but i feel like im just staring off into space being miserable 60% of the time. ive just done so much#damage over the past few years im coming into a new lab as damaged goods. ive got an albatross around my neck in thr form of data i#collected so self destructively that the idea of having anything to do with its publication makes me hate myself. everytime someone tells#me good job on collecting so so so much data it feels like they're congratulating me for breaking something within myself. like i slit my#wrists and bled out on a lab bench and theyre saying good job and theyre excited for me and i have to grin and bear it and pretend im#excited too. but im not bc ive burned everything inside me to ash. so when im elevated enough to be distracted by the clouds and trees it#feels like healing. like seeing angels. beautiful ephemeral beams of light. i wish i could slow down enough to watch them. but now thr sun#is hitting the horizon and the sky is going gradually dark and i should go inside. bc i have many things to do in the morning. so that's#what ill do. and ill try to get more thsn 6hrs of sleep but its hard when your body is vibrating over with energy#but at least i dont feel tired in the morning. something in my head must be on fire#unrelated#hm i should maybe add a tw to this#tw self injury#but its the kind thst makes u good at ur Job. its the kind ppl reward. so they don't understand when u say its destroying ur life#but im trying to get better. i say as i gear up for an insane semester lol but i do mean it
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computer define underdog
#bluebird.txt#google search how to explode my brain with hammers to reset into a functional normal person#how fucking hadd is it to be perfect it's not that hard. you just have to do everything!#but you can never do everything. sometimes you can't even do one fucking thing.#and time moves forward so quickly. go back i didn't do it right. i need to try again. i can be perfect this time i promise.#and i can't but i can and then i can't again but i can't but i can't BUT ITS NOT THAT HARD#HOW HARD COULD IT POSISBLY FUCKING BE!!!!!!#just do it. it's not hard you can just od it. if's not rhat hRd.#JUST FUCKING DO IT#but you can't. even though it's so fucking easy. look at everyone around you doing it and they don't give half as many shits as you do#you're fighting for your fucking life tryi to come out on top and everyone's on too sipping their drinks complaining that it's a little hot#today#what i would give to feel like it was easy. what i constantly give that never feels like enough#but i will say#one of the nicest things anyone ever said to me#was my professor telling me ghat a grad student told her they wished they'd been like me when they were younger#and another two grad students just last week going out of their ways to tell me i did a good job#when that 'good job' felt so shitty i went to the bathroom to suck in my tears bc my day still wasn't fucking over#life is never over it just keeps going and you get up and you get up and you keep going and it's hard and annoying and i'll never be perfec#and i don't think i'll ever- apart from those brief glimpses people give me of what they truly think- ever see myself. i can only ever see#the mirror#or the inside of my eyes#but i'll never see myself as i am#so maybe i don't have to freak oht?#maybe i should just sleep#time to go listen to vienna and cry more maybe#i'm fine. i'm just tired and lazy and tirada en mi cama and can't reach my journal from here. el oh el.#save me help me. i want to feel peace. i can't wait to be older. i can't wait to find my way.#please.
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Okay i took off work next Friday specifically to work on finding a new PCP so i can start readdressing my insulin processing issues and hopefully that will remove the major brain fog.
floating around with zero ability to concentrate or even like realize, really, when I’m spacing out is just not the business.
#prince text#it always makes me anxious about my job#I’m doing good but i always get terrified that one day im not gonna be able to pull it together#bc its already so much effort doing what im doing now#im reading the webcomic our walk home bc its adorable bl with enchanting characters#and crying bc Aki’s breakdown about faking it and not being able to hold it together and messing up#i felt on a cosmic level#bc i am doing good and i work hard#but it takes so much effort to maintain this#it feels so fragile lmao#Aki was like i genuinely think i am always gonna be worried like this#and realized i feel the same#and I’m not ungrateful my life has improved SIGNIFICANTLY since moving#it’s just so fucking apparent now with all the danger and scariness out of the way that idk how to manage my lack of focus#and i just worry that everything good that happened is all so easily lost#if i make one wrong move#ugh blah blah just needed to vent#also u guys should read our walk home#it’s so good so far#i wanna do fanart#prince health vent
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#toy txt post#i guess i just need to find a different job since this one seems to be. not great for me#but i also like. dont know what wont be bad for me. like sorry i just dont think there are jobs that are accessible to me that arent going#to feel Like This#at least in some way. and this one has good insurance and shit. and if i can get my shit together it has fucking. paid community service#time that i could theoretically use to like. volunteer at the aquarium or smth and have a day off for it and get paid by my job#which could be a foot in the door to a career that i am interested in but im just fucking. stuck and fatigued and in pain and wallowing and#have no fucking energy and i cant do anything and im fucking nocturnal and i joke about it and i was fine with it but i hate it i hate#not seeing the fucking sun and i miss my old job which is INSANE but i know what i miss about that job was#that it was part time. and i regret not doing more with that#but im also allergic to normal hours i guess i dont fucking know#i know part of it is prolly just feeling profoundly out if control of my life so i just stay up bc at least thats quiet time for me#w no expectations but thats not even tru bc i shoukd be at least doing my fucking laundry or smth cos it would make sense#and the fucking answer to so many of my issues rn is like just do that then or just stop doing that then but i cant i dont know why im just#like this ive always been like this stupid useless cant fucking do anything cant fix my shit just fucking wallowing and angry and doing#nothing and its just gotten worse cos now i have fucking chronic pain and fatigue and now i REALLY do FUCKALL#im depressdd and anxious and in pain i should get a therapist but thats hard and i dont fucking trust ppl#i should move out and maybe that would help bc i wouldnt feel like i have to wear a mask around my own house but im barely functioning#as is w a lot of support from my mom i cant fucking live on my own#not to mention the whole country being so fucking. Bad rn. ive done nothing all day not even resting#and tomorrow ill wake up too late and be in a rush and in pain and tired and just#i dont fucking know#im so miserable and lately so many topics can just send my stupid little brain just Spiralling but i dont want to say that i dont want ppl#to feel weird for talking about fucking college. i dont want to sit here being so bitter that something in my brain broke about school#im happy for ppl who can do their fucking college shit i just. smth wrong in my brain and i cant dwell on it and i try not to be too#outwardly negative about it cos i dont want ppl to feel like they cant talk to me about it or smth idk#rambling and venting and im gonna hit tag limit lmao for sure#been having the same goddamn problems nonstop for my whole life and its just that i cant fucking do anything#i have too much shit i should rid of#whatever
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