#what if i have to sacrifice my meds to pay rent i literally am not a functioning human without them so i 100% could not work while off them | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

aquarianlights · 4 years ago

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I am in a serious financial bind. 😥 If anyone is in a position to listen & help or signal boost, pls keep reading...

This is from my apartment complex. I am in low-income housing. I called them & sent them proof I could pay on the 23rd. I told them I could (just barely) put 100 down now & they said that was too little.

They said they would file for eviction on the 16th, which adds $150 to my rent. They will cancel the court date and eviction on the 23rd when I pay.

But that doesn't cancel the $150 filing fee.

Idk where that $150 would come from. Idky they think it's fair that someone who cannot pay should be forced to pay even more??? That makes no sense. I can only just barely afford my rent every month as is.

These are from my energy company. I apparently owe them over $600. I genuinely do not know how this happened. We were on the phone for a very long time trying to figure it out & I was in tears for the latter portion of it because I swear I paid.

I usually keep record of my payments via taking a picture of my receipt since they are electronic, but my dog chewed up my phone (which I have pics of if need be for evidence) and broke it, so I had to get a replacement phone sent to me from the insurance company & nothing transferred from the old phone, so all my pics were wiped.

I found no record in my emails, either.

The meds I am taking to try to go into remission and the autoimmune disease itself both cause brain fog and issues with time warping, so it is possible maybe I skipped a month or something, but I highly doubt I would have skipped up to 600+ dollars worth of payments.

I have tons of electronic and hard copy calendars & they are all synced and constantly updated so that I know when payments are due. I also have text and email reminders sent to me, but I could find no reminders in my email for MONTHS now until they were telling me they were going to shut my power off if I didn't pay this. Idk why I was not sent reminders for months???

In the end, I agreed to set up a payment plan. Paying, like... 50-60ish on top of whatever my electric bill is every month for 12 months. It was the lowest they could go.

I can barely afford my electric bill as it is, so idk how I will be able to do this? They did give me a list of charities in my area so I will be using what little energy I have to call around & see if any of them would be willing to help me pay this. Idk how those work (they're mostly churches???), so I'm just gonna try & see what happens. 🤔

On top of all that, I *think* this is telling me my Medicaid has been cancelled but I'm not 100% sure?????

I'm going through treatment for a very serious, disabling problem that should last ~1 year and rn Medicaid is picking up what my Medicare doesn't cover and some of my doctors/specialists and treatments are medicaid only.

If I lose this, I'm basically done.

I know they'll do backpay if I get it back, but Idk if I *will* get it back. I'll be trying to get it back, but in the meantime, I guess I'll just have to pay out of pocket, idk??? Which I do not have.

I have lost almost ALL autonomy due to this autoimmune disease, which (in a very simplified form) is basically my immune cells "eating" my muscle tissue. I can barely get out of bed. Treatment should put me in remission & give me my life back. I am seeing a rheumatologist, neurologist, dermatologist, PCP, physical therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, and going to a holistic pain treatment center that does a different kind of physical therapy to bring down pain levels (which I was put into that program by my rheum). All of these are in relation to & necessary for my disease. I am going through TONS of testing almost weekly now & trying out treatments like IVIG and chemo where I am in the hospital hooked up to an IV for 4-6+ hrs of that day and the cost of those things without Medicaid picking up what Medicare doesn't cover is astronomical. I have to sign waivers every time I get my blood drawn (which is almost weekly now), do tests, and do treatments saying I will pay if Medicaid does not pick up the extra.

I already have crippling medical debt; I don't need more. I'm scared they won't let me do any more tests or treatments if they see I am just letting it all go to collections & am not paying.

This could mean the difference between having a life worth living (to me) where I am happy & thriving & autonomous or being bed-bound & living a life of just existing from day to day & miserable & in pain & suffering & unable to do anything for myself. This is literally life and death for me because I wouldn't be able to handle continuing to live in the latter scenario. I cannot handle living like I am now. Knowing my treatments are progressing is what keeps me going. Knowing I can go into remission is what keeps me going. Knowing my future is one completely different from now is what keeps me going. But if I cannot have that and am destined to live in this current state, it's just not worth it. I don't know a person alive who would want to live like this.

Finally, my anger noodle needs to get to the vet for MULTIPLE things. Nothing is, like... life threatening or super immediate like his cancer was last year, but they're things that need to be addressed in terms of preventative care & to make sure he isn't in pain.

He needs his trachea checked, possibly x-rays for that, maybe more...

He needs some medication updates, needs a physical, needs a full groom & nail clip under anesthesia (for those who are not familiar with Echo, he has extreme fear-based aggression & usually gets this done under anesthesia; since I worked with him so much, he had his first non-anesthesia nail clip at the beginning of quarantine, but he has gotten worse during quarantine & with my muscle eating disease, I can no longer restrain him & don't have the physical strength to run a brush through his thicker fur as his winter coat is in, so I can no longer groom certain areas of him at home, so his tummy & back legs are matted & I fear he may need to be shaved... which breaks my heart since you don't shave double coat dogs unless medically necessary.), he needs a full physical, & needs to be checked over for MCT's.

He may also need a fecal test or something else, as he has been having odd bowel movements. 😥 His tummy has been upset lately.

I have been crying myself to sleep every single night & often during the day because I cannot get him to the vet. No, it isn't urgent or life threatening. But he is reverse sneezing more than normal & I worry about tracheal collapse, which is a common small dog thing & even MORE common in pomeranians specifically. Every time he has a fit, I think "Oh god, this is it. This is the time I'm gonna have to rush him to the e-vet & get slammed with a huge bill & he is not gonna be okay..."

It breaks my heart to see his legs & belly matted. He is horrible about letting me groom him coz of his aggression so he only gets a full grooms at the vet, but I do short grooming sessions at home with him nightly. Takes about 2 hours just to do the majority of one side of him (not even all of it; just most) coz he needs breaks & lots of praise every few strokes or he will tear me to shreds & hurt himself snapping on the undercoat rake. 😥

But now that my autoimmune disease has atrophied my muscles to the point holding up my phone without something to prop it up feels like I am lifting weights & tires my arms out with a lactic acid burn & pain, I can no longer groom him with the patience he needs & can only groom in 20 minute intervals at the VERY longest. By the time I have gotten one leg done during the week, his entire other side is matted. 😞 Matting on dogs---especially double coat dogs---hurts them. It's like if someone were to wrap your hair around their fingers & then pull it taut. It's a constant pulling pressure on their skin... it's painful & irritates the epidermis. I feel miserable feeling the matting on his back legs & tummy & now feeling the mats beginning to form on the rest of him. He hates me working them out, even with the detangling spray. I know it must hurt so much...

So he may need to be shaved at this point & that will destroy me. I feel sick thinking about it. But anything to get him out of pain. Maybe it is what's best for him while I go through this year of treatment & get my muscles back. But in order to do that, I need to get him to the vet.

The stress of not being able to get him to a vet is tearing me apart & literally making me physically ill.

He is my world. My everything. My #1. My heart dog. My priority in life. My entire universe revolves around him. I would do anything for him. Not a single person, animal, thing, etc, comes before him. It is KILLING me that I cannot provide proper care for him right now. I always always always make sure to sacrifice for him if need be & his things ALWAYS come first, even if it means I'm not eating or not paying bills or whatever. As long as he is taken care of & his needs & wants are met, nothing else matters to me. And right now........ I feel he is suffering because of my finances & the fact my treatment with building my muscles up is not going fast enough.

I cannot control the latter one, but the first one is something I can at least ask for help for. So that is what I am doing.

If anyone is in a place to help, these are my venmo & cashapp codes. I also have paypal.

💙 Venmo: @kqroswell

💚 Cashapp: $kqroswell

💜 Paypal: @kqroswell or [email protected]

If there is another form of payment you're thinking of, lemme know. I also have fb pay activated if you have me on FB (Killian Q Roswell).

Thank you to everyone who read through this & anyone who can help or reblog this. 💖

Sincerely,

Your v scared, struggling transman who really wants his bills/rent paid & his dog to go to the vet,

Killian 💞

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bigskydreaming · 4 years ago

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Hey friendly reminder that I honestly do not want anyone to follow me unless they actually WANT to which means they are free to unfollow, refollow, leave and come back and leave again or WHATEVER as many times as they want, for any reason whatsoever. Including if my posting styles of the moment get to be too much for them or are not to their liking, etc?

BUT I have been seeing a surge in comments in notes and stuff on various posts of mine about the length of my posts or the rambling of my posts and like....I know? This is not new information to me? But I post the way I post at any given time based on the resources I have at any given time and the fact that its often a matter of I can post a long rambling post or I can make no post at all.

Like, I really truly do not like going into specifics about my situation more than necessary or when not necessary, because like, my situation is boring to me, I don’t particularly care to dwell on it any more than I have to. But the fact of the matter is its still a thing that exists so here goes: yes I have physical issues like near constant migraines and pain and also vertigo, and yes I have neurodivergencies like C-PTSD and ADHD and yes I have circumstances that include near constant stress from eternally being in the negatives, financially, as well as being almost constantly hungry from a lack of money and limited options for eating due to the physical constraints of my jaw as well as being consistently sleep deprived because there’s only so much sleep you can get when there’s no such thing as a physically comfortable sleeping arrangement for you currently, all while existing in a constant limbo of I literally have NO idea when any of this will change for me because haha fun fact WE LIVE IN A PANDEMIC.

My point is like......all of these are things I’m not shy about, but they don’t exist as bullet points in a checklist of identity or circumstantial traits, they all exist at all times as points of fact that influence and inform and interact with each other.

So my financial situation and limbo of not being able to move forward with my surgery because of the chaos of the health care industry during a pandemic directly informs both the way stress impacts my mental health issues, but also my ability to treat my mental health issues by way of medication, nutrition, rest.....ie, almost every cent I make via work, etc, goes right back out the door to keeping up my insurance premiums of $850 a month, because even though my surgery is paid for, there’s still elements like hospital stay fees, anesthesia, etc, that won’t be paid until the day of surgery itself, and which I will not be able to pay without my insurance remaining current and active. Which means that I had to prioritize an insurance package that would net me THOSE benefits, which means I had to sacrifice parts of insurance that are no longer in that package, but which previously made things like my medications, refill appointments and therapy more affordable for me.

Which means that I have to prioritize my medication and therapy etc and maintain my therapy and PTSD, depression and anxiety meds as the most important to upkeep, while my ADHD meds are pretty much priced out of accessibility for me at the moment. Like, the specifics of my metabolism and various trial and error with different meds over the years and the way my body rapidly adapts to various meds and plateaus to a point where they cease to have any real impact on me means the only ADHD medication that’s consistently effective for me is Vyvanse, which there isn’t a viable generic form of that I can take, meaning a monthly refill of it is $350 without insurance, which I flat out can not ever afford anymore, which means its been roughly two months since I last popped an ADHD pill.

So yeah, that directly impacts things like my ability to self-edit, make a point briefly, or refrain from circling back to the same point several times over and over because I literally forget that I made it.

Now of course ADHD medication is not the be-all and end-all and its not like there aren’t various other life-hacks and coping strategies for working around ADHD even without it, after all, I didn’t even get diagnosed until I was 26. But these various other adaptations rely on things like good nutrition (which I can not regularly afford, or even consume....most leafy green vegetables for example, or fruits other than berries, are literally nonstarters for me because I don’t have enough leverage with my one-sided jaw to CHEW them in the first place, and the ingredients for making smoothies regularly are again, expensive). So nutrition as a hack for ADHD management is pretty much out - I’m too busy prioritizing eating anything I can, whenever I can afford to. Other adaptations involve getting lots of rest: something that again, physically isn’t all that viable for me these days, even leaving aside the effects of constant stress on attempts at getting meaningful rest, along with the constant stress and constraints of trying to work as much as humanly possible in my circumstances, in order to keep bringing in income to go to insurance, rent, and food and meds. Then there’s also the stabilizing effects exercise and physical activity can have on the brain and various neurodivergencies like mine, but the migraines and vertigo make most forms of exercise a nonstarter for me, with most of the rest invalidated by the fact that I’m pretty much always hungry, tired, and in chronic pain.

Now let’s examine work and the viability of obtaining more sources of income to help with all this. Well, my options are limited there too due to the ecosystem of factors in play. I’ve been trying for awhile to find even a part time job in my area I can do, but the problems are even though I can make myself mobile and active through my pain issues and migraines, and am even good at gritting and bearing it and acting like I’m smiling and laughing and happy even while in excruciating pain (yay, perks of childhood abuse making a career in retail viable even while practically dead on my feet, lololol)......there’s the simple physiological limitation that I just can’t stay upright RELIABLY for more than a couple hours at a time. Eventually, dizziness knocks me on my ass. Downside of a jaw that’s constantly hanging with all its weight from one side of your face, fucking with your ability to even stand up straight, not to mention causing inner ear and equilibrium problems at random whenever you open or close your mouth in the wrong way (or mere approximation of ANY kind of way).

So, standing upright at any kind of customer service or retail job is one issue. Stocking stuff, that sort of thing.....not really an option when you’re likely to drop all of it at any given moment. But then there’s bracing myself at cash registers, something like a job at Starbucks or hell there’s a Jamba Juice nearby, that’d also get me an employee discount for smoothies I can drink regularly. Course, there’s the whirring of blenders and such, which pair great with constant migraines. Etc. Etc.

BUT. I’m a well-rounded person with lots of skills....which lead to things like my freelance graphic design business as a book cover designer, as well as various writing endeavors, etc. And all of these are things that I DO do, currently. They’re how I make my income as is. There’s absolutely more jobs out there, but the fact is as a freelancer, FINDING additional jobs is a time consuming and spoon consuming process, that is additionally impacted by factors like ADHD, so not only does looking for work require time that’s not already being spent working, it also requires the management and expenditure of mental resources that I have to prioritize FIRST towards applying them to what work I already DO have, given the absence of ADHD medication and minimal coping or regulatory habits allowing for me to be all that productive WITHOUT said meds.

Not to mention the strain sitting in front of a computer all day for work in venues like graphic design, etc, puts on migraines, so there’s only so many hours I can devote daily or in one sitting to doing things like cover work. Much of my writing time is spent not actually writing, but me just dictating into notes on my phone and then copying and pasting all that into the appropriate formats for fiction, nonfiction and just random posts. Of course here then I have to prioritize applying my mental resources to first making sure the stuff I write to make money gets edited or properly pared down to size and isn’t repeating the same shit over and over and over, then doing the same to stuff I write fic wise as one of my few escapes from Real Life BS so I can at least point to having SOME kind of life (as this has been my daily existence for years, and uh.....people having things they like or like to do, as much as is humanly feasible, only becomes MORE of a necessity the more stress involved in their day to day life, not less).

Meaning by the time I even get to posting, like.....as much as it may look like I do a lot of it, the speed at which I write when I have any kinds of spoons to apply to posting or composing thoughts at ALL means I actually pour out a lot in a little span of time.....BUT that’s not like, a Skill so much as its a Fact. Its just the way I am and it comes with its downsides as well as its upsides....Im good at banging out a lot in a short amount of time, but ONLY when I just....let it go, versus try and regulate it all or squeeze it out bit by bit. I’m a sprint poster these days rather than a marathoner, even if the length of my thoughts makes it LOOK like the latter.....the reality is for me it tends to be all or nothing, its whatever I can get on the page BEFORE I lose my breath or train of thought. So that’s why it looks the way it does, because that was the only form it was coming out at the specific time and space when I had the energy and brainpower TO get it out, and going back in hindsight and editing it for clarity or brevity AFTER I gasp it all out requires energy and breath I do not have PAST that point, so it becomes a simple equation of well do I want a post to exist here at all or not at all.....and I err on the side of posting. This isn’t a defense because there’s nothing to defend, mind you, I’m simply explaining my way through my thought process, approach to things, and realities of my day to day existence for you to do with whatever you want. Its just a perspective you may not have had before. Whatever.

Of course, even this doesn’t exist in a void. Something that’s always a factor in my awareness when posting is like......I’m lucky enough to have a large enough following that cares enough about what I have to say for whatever reasons or puts enough value in what I have to say or the things I write and create, that I’ve been able to supplement my financial needs when absolutely necessary at times, by way of donation posts. I try not to lean on them more than necessary because I am keenly aware that they are a gift from people, many of whom I do not know and will likely never meet, and as such, not something I have any form of expectation for. I make donation posts when and where I do not in the anticipation of getting them met, but simply for a lack of any other options whatsoever. I’m limited in the work I can do, and the time and energy I can devote to finding more of that same work. There’s not a ton of other career paths I can pursue even from behind a computer due to my lack of a college degree, and the fact that even when I’m qualified skill or knowledge wise, I lack the specific credentials for verifying that I possess those skills or knowledge in a way employers are inclined to recognize and/or validate. Going BACK to school to get said credentials is an expenditure of time, finances, and other resources I do not have to spare at the moment or any time soon, especially not in the name of shoring up a lack of all that in the present term.

I dropped out of college freshman year after my gaybashing and rape. I never went back to it for a variety of reasons that were only half about resources and half about intent. My family is not a presence in my life and hasn’t really been in any significant way since I was eighteen, so college in the first place was something I had to be entirely self-sufficient about....I was only able to afford to go the year that I did go by way of academic scholarships that were dependent on grades I couldn’t keep up in the wake of what happened to me, and that I couldn’t exactly ever get back without a foundation to build upon, like high school and my initial academic career. Then in the half that was about intent, I eventually moved into pursuing my actual interests like writing, graphic design and acting. One of the things I’ve always loved about those is that output and portfolio nets you more than credentials most of the time....they ARE your credentials. I was actually pretty damn successful as an actor for years, not in the way that leads to being someone that people would recognize, but in the way that leads to being able to support yourself doing what you love. All the skillsets that I have but could not back up with things like a diploma were still useful to me as an actor in a way that they’re not in terms of getting things like tutoring or teaching jobs.....I speak multiple languages but I’m self taught, I have a black belt in karate, I’m a classically trained pianist, I know a whole lot of shit about random shit that I just learned because I wanted to, and all of that got me the kind of work that I was looking for and meant I COULD work and make a living off those things for years throughout my twenty....work that I would not have been able to get if I had been back sitting in a classroom instead. The primary currency of my years as an actor were life experiences and I had those in spades, and I was very good at what I did, if I do say so myself, and the reasons I never advanced further career wise tended to have less to do with whether or not I booked the roles I auditioned for and whether I got the auditions at all......

I’m getting a bit off topic here but I’m just saying there’s definitely a convo to be had at some point, about the roles and opportunities I turned down because I wasn’t willing to sleep with someone or put up with their advancements in order to do so. Something that’s a dime a dozen in Hollywood and the thing is.....I was a sex worker, for years, before I moved to Hollywood and started working as an actor. But there’s a distinct difference between the way people talk about, interact with and perceive someone who’s gotten roles because of sex, advanced up a corporate ladder because of sex...versus, gotten paid because of sex. I didn’t turn down offers of roles for sex because of my hang-ups about sex but rather other peoples’......I had a problem with various parts of the industry that would have thought nothing about me getting a role because a producer wanted to sleep with me, but would have turned up their nose at me because I slept with someone to get money for groceries before. Basically I’m just saying the specific bullshit Hollywood has not just about sex but predatory behavior got in the way of my career advancement because there were some games I just wasn’t willing to play....which hails from the very life experiences that oftentimes made me so good as an actor in the first place.

Which brings me back again to my main point......none of this exists in a vaccuum. Being the sum of our life experiences and variables means being the SUM of that, at ALL times, both in large and small ways. We are never just a LIST of identity traits or experiences. They all constantly loop back around and feed into each other and inform where we are at every second of every day and where we GO in each second, what we DO with our days and the choices we make.

Which is where so much of my discontent with fandoms, on social media in general, with PEOPLE in my day to day life comes from: this desire people have to compartmentalize, to ZERO IN on specific factors or variables or instances and act like it even CAN be divorced from all other influences. Its not that you can’t FOCUS on one thing at a time, its just even when you do that, that doesn’t like....snap all existing connections that thing has to everything outside of your area of focus.

As an example, my attitudes on being a survivor and various kinds of fiction get me a ton of pushback from various corners, and its all geared around the same premise: don’t like, don’t read. Put a wall up between you and it. Focus on just what you’re doing and forget what everyone else is doing.

But it doesn’t work like that. It CAN’T work like that. And this commitment people have to pretending it does just because that pretense has been working for them, THAT, I’d argue, is the true wedge in fandom spaces.

Everything about me is connected to something else. I’m a childhood abuse and incest csa survivor. When my therapist asks me to picture a moment from my childhood when I felt safe or protected, I got nothing. I don’t have that resource. I don’t know what that feeling is meant to feel like, because I never felt it. And that connects directly into the fact that when I was gaybashed in college, after they dumped me in a fucking park, bleeding and covered in writing, I didn’t even think about going to the hospital, the police, let alone calling anyone like my parents, I just picked myself up and walked back to my dorm, cleaned myself off as best I could, and went to class next Monday morning. That’s fucked up, I shouldn’t have had to, but its what I did, and there’s no divorcing that from any of the contexts of WHY that’s what I did, and why I didn’t think there was any other logical recourse or option for me then. Just like all of that also links back to growing up in the closet and entering high school the same month Matthew Shepherd was attacked, and then when he ultimately died two months later, and watching everybody’s reactions to that informed the fact that I did not remotely feel safe in the aftermath of my attack, disclosing what happened to people around me, or just like I didn’t take it on face value that even if they said appropriately sensitive things to me to my face didn’t mean that like when I was a freshman in high school and everyone was reacting to that, they wouldn’t revert to callous jokes about fags the second they felt a little less out of the spotlight or in the right company for those jokes.

And all of that directly links into my feelings not just when people write rape and gaybashing scenes that make no attempt at any kind of catharsis but rather only appear to exist for the fetishization, the glamorization, the VALIDATION of the idea that in the right context, those kinds of scenes can be hot to the right audience rather than demoralizing to the figure who’s pain and humaniliation is required for everyone else’s entertainment....but it also additionally plays into the reactions and attitudes I have when people look at me going “wow, really don’t like the lens you’re using here or the environment you’re creating around an experience that is never anything BUT painful and traumatic for someone who lived it, like I did” and choose to respond to that by saying things that amount to “well you’re basically just like conservative southern assholes who hate free speech when you say stuff like this,” cuz y’know.....that’s describing my literal oppressors. That’s lumping me in with the actual literal kind of people who are the SOURCE of my trauma there, all because you felt butthurt and defensive about how I said I wasn’t comfortable with the kinds of jokes and output you were making about scenes that aren’t that far divorced from my own personal reality, and that I shouldn’t HAVE to divorce from my own experiences just to exist within certain fandom spaces.

And just like the fact that being an incest survivor is directly relevant to the fact that my stepmother always made an effort to keep me at a distance because not wanting to admit to what happened to me and how it played into our family entanglements was directly linked back to the fact that she and my aunt were both incest survivors who never got the opportunities to deal with what happened to them, which in turn directly plays into the fact that ultimately my aunt ended up taking her own life a few years ago, which also very much informs my attitude towards people interacting with incest ships as something cutesy and uwu, as my aunt was literally the only person in my family I ever WAS close to or comfortable with. And there’s no divorcing any of that into nice neat little compartments that make it easier for anyone on the outside looking in to just peek through ONE window to see what they might see, and try and act like it doesn’t matter what’s in any of those other boxes because it has nothing to do with the only one they want to concern themselves with.

And my lack of resources and emotional state post gay-bashing led directly into my sex work for various reasons, which led in various ways to better things for me in some respects, while compounding certain traumas of mine in other respects, and there’s no divorcing any of that from the rest either. There’s no ‘my time as a sex worker was good’ even though some of it was and there’s no ‘my time as a sex worker was bad’ even though some of it really was. And a lot of the attitudes of some of the rich assholes who paid me for sex and viewed me as a plaything they could do anything to directly informs my resistance to letting powerful assholes in Hollywood hold roles over my head in exchange for sex, even though the latter could have advanced my career in huge ways and led to me being a lot more financially stable and self-sufficient by the time my physical issues emerged due to the jaw joint on one side of my head eroding through and snapping completely just like that in turn was a long-building repercussion of not just my gaybashing, but my decision to never go to the hospital and get checked out after it.

None of this can be cut away from the rest and trimmed into neat little pieces that don’t color outside the lines or impact anything else. Just like my gaybashing itself can’t be divorced from my white privilege, and the fact that it played into the fact that I survived that night in the first place. Something I say not in some weird white guilt kinda way like people try and project onto others for even acknowledging white privilege, like no its not like I fucking wish I died to prove some kind of weird point, what I’m talking about is just the simple basic AWARENESS that multiple and even contradictory factors exist in even the most extreme of situations. And its never anything BUT self-serving to pretend that you can frame it as otherwise.

And so when I talk about being a survivor, just like with all the rest of this, I’m not talking about some arbitrary status of survivorhood that exists in a specific point in time and is only relevant to some singular event I survived, its applicable to everything about my life big and small. I’m a survivor every single day I’ve survived, every day I wake up and keep moving forward despite the pain and stress and lingering trauma of what was done to me one night sixteen years ago, I’m surviving what they did every bit as much as I survived it that night and in the morning after as I dragged myself back to my room. Just like my status as an abuse survivor stemming from childhood directly informs everything about not just my coping mechanisms but my entire freaking worldview as someone who grew up throughout childhood learning to view the world through a lens in which he was simultaneously not safe due to the presence of victimizers in his own home, while at the same time still having certain protections that others don’t have in life in general due to not just again my white privilege but my male privilege, my cis privilege.

And that’s what makes it so laughable and so offensive when people act like I’m defining myself by being a survivor as some kind of singular identity trait whenever I raise it as something of relevance in fandom discussions that have EVERYTHING to do with stances of abuse apologism and homophobic ideas that directly play into why I was so unsafe in certain parts and times of my life, because who the fuck is anyone else to tell me how my experiences as a survivor and how they shaped me are or are not relevant to ideas pertaining to those very things, when brought front and center and face to face with me in various fandoms due to the insistence of fandoms at large on KEEPING these things front and center in almost ALL fandom discussions? Like, the hilarious irony of people who have so wholly centered certain types of ship and content in terms of their own personal fandom identities that they can’t help but feel personally attacked when someone so much as says “I don’t like the ideas you’re broadcasting alongside your choice to amplify and signal boost this kind of content because you’re not JUST signalboosting the content itself, but these specific perceptions of it and ideas in support of and in apology for it.”....like, turning around and saying IM too defined by my views stemming from my existence as a survivor. The call is coming from inside the house, lolol.

Again, none of this can be divorced from the rest. It can be focused on one piece at a time, but its connections to everything else that informs it in various RELEVANT ways, can not be made IRRELEVANT just because you don’t like the picture that forms when you’re forced to look at the WHOLE picture instead of just willfully condensing the frame to just the part you like or want to talk about.

And to bring it all home, looping back up to what I opened with:

Do you know how often I hear people say shit about the length of my posts or the rambling nature or in various ways act INCONVENIENCED by various things about how they have to interact with my posts when that interaction itself is still completely voluntary?

Taking in everything I said in this post, the way it all interconnects and informs other things, I’d like to ask anyone who has ever objected to some post somewhere or derided one because of something as ultimately nonconsequential as the length of it, something where its literally just like....scroll a few more seconds......do you apply the same energy and scrutiny to posts that cross your dash that are filled with various things like racism, transphobia, rape or pedophilia fetishization or abuse apologism, or do you let that slide by without acknowledgment before looking at a post that makes you sigh because of how fucking LONG it was and think...this, THIS is what I’m gonna choose to speak up about?

Because that’s ultimately what this is all about. Here’s the kicker with everything I said....my life could be better, I want it to be better, from the biggest aspects of it and pain issues to stuff just like.....the fandom communities I immerse myself in for my own attempts at having something to counterbalance real life stress. But at the end of the day, there’s no my life sucks or my life rocks....its still just...my life. And it has its good as well as its bad, and that ultimately hails from my choices, and the fact that like....even while there are choices I literally CAN’T make, I can be comfortable with the ones I DO make.

And so like......would my life be easier in some respects now if I’d gone back to school and gotten a diploma and had more job opportunities available to me? Yeah, for sure. But that awareness doesn’t mean I regret my choice NOT to go back to school when I DID have more opportunities for that, because the acting career I had at those times instead was the choice I made, with intent, and its one I’m still glad for making. Those experiences still matter, still meant something and still mean something to me.

And do I wish that I’d coped with what happened to me in college in different, healthier ways that would have given me more tools for how I interact with my trauma and who I became after that, rather than how I did? Yeah, sometimes, for sure. But not without losing my awareness that the choices I did make at the time were not made in a vacuum, and can not be edited in hindsight....there were reasons I made them, reasons that were informed by everything that had happened to me previously and stemmed from a lot of things I still didn’t have control over and as such always placed a cap on the range of choices that were available to me back then, because there’s a difference between choices that exist in theory versus choices that exist as something that might viably be chosen at a particular place and time.

The world is big and complicated. Life is big and complicated. WE are big and complicated. And nothing about understanding any of that is IMO benefited by putting most of our effort into SHRINKING our worldviews, constructing artificial frames that don’t just focus us in on specific aspects of it for finite periods but attempt to then treat that as its own individual thing utterly disconnected from anything else that might be going on OUTSIDE that picture frame.

So if you’ve read this far and you’ve taken anything away from this big long rambling post that could be a lot shorter, could be a lot less rambling, but could also just not have been posted at all and I’d rather have it exist in this form than let everything in it go unsaid.....

My request would be that your takeaway be this: to look at your choices in regards to some specific finite interaction in even just one of your fandoms, and see what happens when you open the frame back up. If you widen the scope. If you let other things into the picture. Are you still comfortable with the choices you make or don’t make in light of THAT image, are they any different from the ones you made or would have made when keeping things as small and contained in your awareness as possible, just because that was easier for you to conceptualize, easier to navigate around, just....less COMPLICATED?

Because things aren’t made less complicated just by the mere fact of WANTING them to be.

And if your choices are more born of what you’d say or do IF the world were as finite or as limited as its sometimes easier to pretend it is......is that really the approach you want to go with and the reasoning you want to stand by?

And similarly, if there are choices you make and that in ORDER for you to feel comfortable making them, you feel a need to tighten your focus or shrink your worldview around one specific element or area and leave out all the rest and only then are you truly comfortable with doing or saying something, like......

Its important to remember that this isn’t the only option you have for making yourself more comfortable with things you say or do or think, or even just have in the past.

The other perfectly viable option exists: you can simply....make different choices.

#this is a post #im not entirely sure how else to describe it #just that it is not necessarily the post that it looks like beneath the cut that it looks like above the cut #so all I've got is: this has been a post #make of it what you will #lololol #its....whatever #ANYWHO

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mixeddoctor · 7 years ago

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Looking Forward to Looking Back

Today was a bad day. I thought it would be so productive and that I would feel better. I woke up just feeling terrible. I just laid in bed. I almost felt just numb. Like I was nowhere, feeling nothing, being no one. I didn’t eat pretty much all day except one meal and then all of a sudden I like binge ate. I literally amin a numbness hole. I don’t feel like I’m in a downward spiral but I am definitely in a pit today. I hate being in a low place like this because I don’t do anything and then I feel guilty for not doing anything. I don’t ever leave the walls of my apartment unless it’s for clinc. I don’t very often even leave my bed. I’m trying to give myself a little room to heal but I know healing takes time and I feel like I don’t have any to do this but if I don’t I’m not sure how I will function. There’s something in me saying I can do this but on days when I feel like this it’s frustrating because I feel like I’m letting myself down. I want to be great but I feel like I’m lost.

I look at other people’s med school blogs and even what my little blog started out as- a reflection of what med school is actually like for me. Unfiltered. Unadulterated. Unapologetic. But now it’s become the diary of survivor dealing with the aftermath of what happened while trying to survive medical school and still regain some normalcy. 13, well now 14 of my total 38 posts have been about me dealing with what happened to me. Not talking about the things I see in clinc or the things I’ve been able to do. My first IM injection by myself was the other day, new diagnosed afib, patient requesting to come back when I’m back at that specific clinc and my preceptor gave me a commendation that I’m doing well and on my way to be an awesome doctor. These things make my day but it’s only one day feeling like Tigger in a week of feeling like Eeyore so it gets overshadowed. I try to convince myself that I’ll look back at this or tell my story one day and be proud of the strength that I had to get through it and be successful despite the odds. It’s easier to look back at times like this though than to actually go through them. I don’t feel strong today.

My grandmother called me today. I love talking to her because I feel connected to family and I love that little lady, but I really think she needs the company of someone she trusts to talk to. She’s still grieving my grandpa and I don’t think she realizes it. She’s like me in that way- you’re used to being strong so you expect to be superwoman. She was telling me about her late sister’s husband and how he still doesn’t sleep in their bedroom and that it’s been 4 years since she passed. I had to tell her that she can’t expect him to return to normalcy so quickly. He was married to her over 30 years. It takes time. She seemes almost scared thinking that she, who was married 56 years would not be over things quickly. Her health concerns me. It’s been wacky since before my grandfather passed but now it’s worse. She doesn’t sleep either and she can’t sleep alone. She is always tired and doesn’t leave the house unless necessary. She has a lot of business that is still pending form my grandfather’s passing over 6 months ago but she just has no impetus to do things. I don’t want to sit there and tell her that her symptoms both in her health and her daily life could be not just organic, but secondary to her grief and dubsequent mild depression. I don’t think she wants to think of herself that way but as I have been over here suffering in my own silence I feel like I understand her a little more than before. She kinda killed me though today. She was saying that he wishes I was there because she knows I would help her with some of those loose ends that she needs to have finished up. It makes me feel kinda guilty for being in school. I’m sure other medical students have felt this way because life when you’re in med school almost feels like it stops, like everything around you should pause because you are stuck in books and pathoma videos. But it doesn’t life goes on. And your family pulls at you. And your friends outside of school pull at you. Shoot your friends IN school pull at you. And your career/profession pulls at you too. And in your heart you want to address it all but you know that you aren’t an octopus so something’s got to get sacrificed. And I don’t think I’ve ever had to sacrifice family to this extent before. And especially when they’ve been in need. And tbh, I could totally be having some left over guilt with regards to my grandfather which obviously compounds on this situation with my grandmother. I’m not going to lie, it would not be so bad if my aunt would do something for my grandmother instead of eating her food, watching her TV and paying no rent. But that’s another issue altogether.

I think it’s going to be alright. I think I’m going to make it through. I may not be flying, or running, or walking... I may just be crawling but I’m moving forward. One day I’ll look back and be proud of how I still made it. That day is probably just farther ahead of me than I realized.

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inhabitonline · 7 years ago

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Inhabit: At Rollins College with Jarrod Uddin

Who are you? I am Jarrod Uddin. I am a millennial motivational speaker. I am the guy that jumps in and helps students that are getting ready to graduate college and those who just dipped their toes in the career market out of college. I help them avoid the early quarter-life crisis. I am the warning side before they get to the end of the cliff. I am the one that helps them find their purpose, their passion, their inner strengths and helps them become more self aware and get on the path to where they really want to be in life. I am part African-American and the other half, Eastern Indian. A lot of my family is from the Middle East and so in our family, to be successful we are often taught that you need to be a doctor or an engineer or go to one of the careers that is going to make a lot of money. I’m one of the few people in my family from that side that actually broke from that tradition because I was not good enough at math. I did not like science. I looked at a couple of the course sets for bio pre-med and I was like, this is totally not for me. I totally can’t do this! So I’m the one in the family that had to find a different way of doing things.

You were talking about the quarter life crisis, can you give me a brief example of what the first sign of a quarter life crisis is? Panic. That’s number one: panic. You see the end of the road coming and fear hits you and you just don’t know what to do. You don’t know what's next. Because personally, that was me. I went to school for broadcast journalism because I knew I was going to be a newscaster or a journalist. Matter of fact, I thought I knew since I was in the 6th grade. [I] got to the end of my college career, I was a month away from crossing the stage and getting ready to graduate and then discovered, holy crap, after three internships this is not what I want. I thought this is what I wanted. I thought this was going to be the lane for my passions, my strengths and talents.

[It was not] the industry I thought it was at all. And so I’m sitting here panicking. ‘Okay, I have to move out of my dorm in 5 minutes. Literally. I’m graduating and I have no job prospects. No offers. What am I going to do with my life?’ When that questions hits you and fear kicks in. I think that is the beginning of the early quarter-life crisis. I spent my first nine months after college graduation homeless. Sleeping out of the backseat of my car. Now, I will say this, I could have asked for help. I could have moved back home; I’m from Michigan. So I could have moved from Tennessee (where I was going to school at the time)back to Michigan, lived with my parents. I could have taken a job offer from some people in my family. Ultimately, I knew it wasn’t going to be what I wanted. I knew I was going to have to live under someone else’s rule’s. And I knew that I was going to be miserable going to clock into some office doing something that had nothing to do with the core of what I was good at, but I knew one thing I had to give myself a chance to find out what I was worth. Whether it was even if I had to go scrub toilets somewhere or just make some crap money for awhile. I knew it would have at least been my choice.

Where are we currently and what is important to you about this space?

Currently we are at Rollins College. It’s perfect because it’s the summertime. School hasn’t gotten back in session yet, so it’s empty. I love it because it’s outdoors. We’re out in the grass. There’s water. There’s air. And it’s also, I like being around prosperous areas. Areas that are well manicured. Well-kept. Where there is sense of pride for a community. I come here just to kind of clear my head. I spend so much time in front of a screen, writing, creating, thinking, but out here there’s something about fresh air and the outdoors that just brings so much clarity to your brain. It’s like a rush of energy and ideas can just come in. I spend time at other places, but this is one of my favorite because it’s almost a best kept secret. You can just chill. It’s very simple. It's outside, it’s right by the water. And water, just flowing water also helps ideas to flow. That’s why I love it.

If you could condense the meaning of your business into a short mission statement, what would that be? So, the name of my most recent program is called “From Zero to Impact”. It is a college workshop that helps students to answer life’s two biggest questions: Who am I and what should I be doing with my life?

Do you feel like you’ve been successful with the launch of this program? Yes—well, more than anything, I’ve been successful with answering those questions. My talent is helping other people find their answer to those questions. Mainly through just sharing my story or experiences. The mentorship, the work, the diligence that was all required to get through that phase of life. The launch of the program is actually coming up at the end of the month. September 1st. But I’ve also been kind of piloting it at a few different places. A few different schools. One I piloted last week actually for a student leadership conference and it went over very well. So the launch is coming up under 30 days. We’ll see how it goes. You mentioned a little bit about how you knew since the 6th grade what you were going to do with your life and then you had a crisis that changed the course of your career. Is what you are doing now completely different altogether or are there similarities to what you envisioned? Yes and no; everything is a yes and no question. So, I’ll start here. In my book I write a chapter that’s... I interrupted to ask the name of the book. The name of the book is called, Unfollow The Crowd: The New Education for Young Millennials Who Crave Purpose, Freedom, and Impact. So for me, when I was in the first grade, I think that was the first time I discovered that I had a passion for words and word structures. English classes were always my best and favorite classes. Anytime the teacher asked us to stand up or someone to volunteer to stand up in the class and read this book out loud or this page, I’d be the first one to volunteer and stand up. I would love doing it. Anytime we had a writing assignment, I loved writing. I loved spelling tests. I just had a fascination with words and talking. And so in 6th grade we took a trip to the news station. They had us all sit in the studio and we got to watch newscasters do a live newscast. And I thought to myself, this is great, this is it, because I finally discovered this is where I could spend those passions and talents—reading, writing, reciting, and delivering information to the public that’s relevant. So from the 6th grade, all the way to the end of my college career, I just thought that’s what I was going to do. That was my story and I was going to stick to it.

And you’re kind of doing that now. I am kind of doing that now. The only difference is, I discovered a different way to do it. Which is motivational speaking. I always loved mentorship. So hey! Why not write books and a blog or those kinds of things that can help people with their lives. Why not get on stage and speak? I thought it was only going to be through a news camera. [However], there was also opportunities for speaking in colleges, leading workshops, doing pep rallies. So it is the same thing, it’s just not the way I thought it would turn out, but it’s better. What is your advice for those who are struggling with their current endeavours? I say, number one: get very, very clear on what it is that you really want. Very, very clear. I found that the time I struggled the most at my career was when I jumped out of my lane of my deepest passions and strengths and just tried to apply for any job or something that someone else told me that I should do because this is what is gonna make you a lot of money or this is what is going to to make you happy. When I let other people define me for me, that’s when I started to lose. That’s when I got frustrated. And frustration is just lack of goal attainment. That’s all it is. But if you can, get honest with yourself, by yourself, about what it is that you really want.

Maybe you really do want to practice law. Or maybe you really do want to become an author or a cartoon illustrator, whatever it is. No matter how long it’s going to take to get there, start by being purely honest with yourself about what it is [and] write it down. Assess what your internal strengths are. Your real strengths. The things that you love to do so much that you’ll do it for free, but maybe you’ll learn to do it well enough where someone pays you for it. Be honest with what that is. Write it down. Most of us already know the answers.

We already have it, but we allow ourselves to get bogged down by “Oh, I gotta pay rent” or “I’ve got child support” or “I have this apartment now and this car.” Or “I’ve got to make a certain amount of money. I can’t drop it all.” Yeah, maybe you can. So, get very honest with yourself. Get very clear and then just commit to taking one step. I don’t care if it’s looking up a degree program or if it’s maybe reading five books in that area or finding a mentor and reaching out and just getting the scoop on what it’s gonna take to get there. But being honest with yourself and writing it down and just committing in your mind to going after it will totally clear out the frustration. It will clear out the stress and no matter what it takes to get there, even if you’ve gotta sacrifice everything, in your mind it will be worth it the minute you decide that you’re going to follow that path and not the one of the expected standard. Read more about Jarrod’s work over at Jarrodspeaks.com

#orlando #bungalower #orlando photographer #storytelling #millennials #interview #story #portrait photography #orlando doesn't suck

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obscurelysevere · 8 years ago

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How are you today? Today was such an unday that it made me rather uncomfortable. And it’s been frustrating, technology wise.

Do you have any pets? I have 4. 3 cats and a ferret. :3

What is your birth year? 1992..

What was the last thing you wrote down? Probably the information of a doctor.

What is your least favorite color? I don’t think that I really have one.

What was the last relaxing thing you did? Napped in my cozy bed.

Name a topic you consider yourself knowledgeable with. Animals. Specially, cats.

What’s the easiest way to make you smile/laugh? I’ve got a pretty broad sense of humor.

Do you own any band merch? Ohhh yeah. Many a t-shirt.

Name a random fruit. Persimmon.

When was the last time you have fallen? A far as my memory can tell (which isn’t far at all), it’s been a while.

If given the opportunity, would you ever perform on Broadway? No thank you. Ain’t that talented.

What is your favorite number? Why? 3.

What was the last thing that made you smile? My sister’s cat was trying to comfort me.

What was the last thing that made you cry? The pain I was in.

Recommend me a book. (any genre). Good Omens.

Do you like to read? Loooove it!

What is your favorite way to eat popcorn? (buttered, salted, plain..). Butter & salt.

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Something that speaks to my character, not my looks.

Have you ever faked being sick to get out of something? Oh, yes. But I don’t have to go very far or fake very much.

How do you feel about online dating? I’m hesitant and not very interested. But it’s not entirely out of the question.

What is your greatest strength? I keep going.

First thing you thought of when you woke up this morning. How comfy I was...

What’s something you’re really passionate about? Animals.

Do you have any posters on your wall? Not posters. I have some pictures hanging up. Two canvases of my babies when they were just a few weeks old, a painting my cousin did, a photo of a llama in NC, and the family calendar.

What’s a song you feel was written just for you? Fear by Pauley Perrette.

If you could go back in time to one point in your life, where would you go? Either back to when mom and I were in St. Pete for a week, or back to Japan. <3

Did anything embarrassing happen today? No.

Who is the first person you think of when someone mentions “love”? My family.

Did you have a good summer? Yeah! It was great until August rolled along... But up until then, things were pretty rad.

How has 2017 been so far for you? No rougher than 2016. But it certainly hasn’t been anything fantastic as of yet.

Are you dressing up for Halloween? If so, what are you being? I just might. I was too sick to dress up last year, and I would really like to get into it this year. Dead prom queen. I went out of my way to buy really cool FX products for the look and I have done more than my share of research on how to do what it is that I want to do.

Name something you want. To be moving forward in my life again...

What’s the most boring sport to watch? Just about any, but football.

Worst feeling in the world? Down to your bones fear.

Best feeling? Unconditional love. And freedom,

Are you listening to music at the moment? No, it’s almost 3am.

Anyone you’d like to get things straight with? Eh. Nothing that I seriously need to get off of my chest.

You receive $500. What would you spend it on? Definitely treat my family to something AWESOME. Or just literally pay my parents back for everything they have done for me, and all of the sacrifices that they have made on my behalf.

Is anything bothering you right now? Lots of things. But what’s new?

If so, let it out here. Nope. This isn't the time, nor place.

What are you doing right now, besides this? IMing a nurse I became good friends with from all of my hospital visits.

Name 3 things you really want to do. Get better, be able to go home, find a way to bring Taj home. </3

What is one quality you really appreciate in a person? Compassion for ALL things.

Has anyone ever compared you to someone you don’t like? Ohhhhhh yeah.

Describe your style in one word. Comfy/casual.

Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? Not really. I would really like to be able to go back to my house soon, though.

When was the last time you were sick? I’m literally always sick. In one way or another.

What do you plan on doing now that this survey is over? Going to bed.

When was the last time you pulled an all-nighter, if you ever have? What was the reason? Probably in the hospital.

Do you find coffee and energy drinks actually give you more energy? I don’t drink any of that.

Who is your favorite Disney character? Mulan! <3

Aside from apple and orange juice, which juice is your favourite? Peach.

If you’re in a rush to go somewhere, would you rather do your make-up or fix your hair? Fix my hair. Makeup is such a hassle.

What are some questions that you get really fed up with answering? Questions about exes.

Do your parents trust you enough to leave you home alone for a week without them? Considering I LIVE on my own, pretty much.

Do any of your friends have children? My best friend does. <333

How young do you think is “too young” to get married? Or is age just a number? I’m hesitant about anything under 25, but that’s just me.

If you knew you had the right person at this precise moment in time, would you marry them? Not this very minute. It would have to take the time to be planned out.

If you’re staying home all day, do you bother getting changed or do you just stay in your pajamas? I don’t necessarily stay in my PJs but I will change into something equally as comfy.

Are there any TV shows that you’ve found yourself watching a lot recently? The Carbanaro Effect, and Nashville.

There’s a bar in Canada which sells a cocktail that contains a human toe. You can pick any alcohol of your choice, but it has to contain this toe. You don’t have to drink the toe, but it has to touch your lips. Would you try it? WTF!? Why? No. Just, no.

Does it bug you when bars overload your drinks with ice? I don’t go to bars. But I hate ice in most of my drinks. Really fucks with my teeth. D:

How different would your day-to-day life be without internet access? Holy fuck. I’d be lost. And I probably wouldn’t have written my story.

Do you judge people when they don’t enjoy the same things as you? A little bit.

If you live near the coast, do you like it? If you don’t - do you wish you lived closer to the beach? I lived there for a year. It was hard, because I was working 2 jobs, 7 days a week, so I rarely ever got to go to the beach. I miss it now.

Do you have any interest in tennis? I tried it when I was younger, sucked at it, hated it, yadda, yadda.

Did you really care about the Royal Wedding, or did you just want it to get out of the news? Noooope.

Can you remember where you were when Princess Diana died? No idea.

If you’re awake late at night and get hungry, what do you tend to snack on? I don’t. Unless my BG is low, then I go for some cereal and juice.

Can you sleep with a bra on, or do you find it way too uncomfortable? I haven’t worn one of those traps for years now. It feels so much better to be free.

If you don’t drive - how come? If you do - how old were you when you got your license? I don’t right now because of all of the meds that I am on, it wouldn’t be a wise idea to get into a vehicle right now.

How old were you when you started doing your own laundry (assuming you do)? 18?

Do you have a dishwasher or do you still wash things up by hand? I have a dishwasher but some things just can’t go in there.

What do you think of people who don’t vote (assuming they can do so)? There’s no excuse; it’s ridiculous.

What’s a word that begins with the first letter of your bf/gf/crushes name? Bullet.

Have you ever heard a song mash-up? Did you like it? I’ve heard a few. I like most that I’ve heard but there are some that are just meh...

If you had to choose between being a garden gnome or a gargoyle, which would you be? Gargoyle FO SHO.

Do you know the original hunchback of notre dame story? Not all of it.

Are you pretty much a junkie? I am. I’m entirely addicted to essential oils.

Do you care to share your thoughts on twitter? Not usually.

Have you ever gone walking around looking for flowers? Yeah, whenever I go hiking.

How was the last party you went to? I had a kinda lame ‘Halloween’ party at my place.

Do you ever babysit? Are the kids wild? Nooooo. I did that stint when I was younger. It’s not my thing at all anymore.

Have you seen the movie, forgetting sarah marshall? Did you like it? Yes. It was alright.

What’s the last thing you spent money on? I bought a new oil vape, and a new case for my iPad.

Have you ever caught a tadpole? A lot of times when I was younger down at the river in ND.

Do you know the difference between a joint and a blunt? Not at all, really.

What kind of dog would you get if you could choose any breed? Shiba inu<3

Would you ever move to a different country than your own? Sometimes I think I would love to live in Japan. I miss it so much!

Have you ever made a music playlist? Alllllll the time. I love doing it.

What does most of your money go towards? Rent.

Do you like to decorate? LOVE LOVE LOVE IT.

What are your bedroom colours? Beige, white, and blue.

Have you ever done anything sexual in exchange for something? Not in the least.

How long is your longest relationship? 16 months.

Can you name all the people you’ve been with? I think I can. But I won’t.

How often do you listen to rap? Every now and again, it’s alright.

#personal #survey #questionnaire

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