#awareness acceptance and action |

[billa-billa007]

Awareness, Acceptance, and Action #personaldevelopment

Personal development refers to the lifelong process of improving oneself in various aspects of life, including but not limited to, emotional, intellectual, physical, and social well-being. It involves setting and achieving goals, acquiring new skills, cultivating positive habits, and continuously growing as an individual. Personal development can lead to increased self-awareness, enhanced self-confidence, improved relationships, and a greater sense of purpose and fulfillment.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

putting my prediction on record now that the coming decade is going to see the rise of viral-marketed fancy at-home water filtration systems, driving and driven by a drastic reduction in the quality of U.S. tap water (given that we are in a 'replacement era' where our current infrastructure is reaching the end of its lifespan--but isn't being replaced). also guessing that by the 2030s access to drinkable tap water will be a mainstream class issue, with low-income & unstably housed people increasingly forced to rely on expensive bottled water when they can't afford the up-front cost of at-home filtration--and with this being portrayed in media as a "moral failing" and short-sighted "choice," rather than a basic failure of our political & economic systems. really hope i'm just being alarmist, but plenty of this already happens in other countries, and the U.S. is in a state of decline, so. here's praying this post ages into irrelevance. timestamped April 2023

[dykedvonte]

My post about Anya is making like a little ruckus on Twitter and I think it’s crazy how many people like have a problem with it.

Like you don’t have to agree with how I characterize Anya and her actions but it’s more like, why are you focused on only one aspect of her character? Why are you removing nuance from the situation? I don’t see it as giving Curly the benefit of the doubt when it comes to doing better for Anya, but as exploring his character and hers relationship with a the very little authentic facts we get about them. In truth, there’s a lot more I wish Curly did, even if it wasn’t pragmatic but I realize the issue there.

The first psychological horror game in a while that’s real intricate in its storytelling and makes you need to really need to address the morality of intentions and its already getting torn asunder smh 😔

[biblically-accurate-dca]

KILL!!!!!!!!!

[butchcraftwrites]

RHEA IS SUCH A BITCH (but she's my bitch)

[deus-and-the-machina]

ffxiv garlemald discourse is so funny because people will go "ugh people just cant stand it when things aren't black and white" and then you look at how the empire are portrayed in stormblood and shadowbringers and its like hm. that seems like a pretty intense and accurate display of violent imperialism to me! Wow I wonder why people in this day and age may find it hard to feel sympathy for them or even hate them on principal. god its such a mystery.

the games like 50/50 to me on how it tackles these themes because I actually like the garlemald arc in EW, I think it has a lot of horrific and powerful scenes depicting how self destructive fascist propaganda and beliefs are, but I also think it doesn't go far enough on some fronts. the garleans' xenophobia is most notably and obstacle to getting them to accept the contingent's help, which is what they're there to do,

but there's never an admission of harm from any garleans on the uuuuuuuuh massive amount of war crimes the nations around them are still suffering from they're just kind of like "we misjudged you...but you actually wanted to help us all along" like yeah thats great now can we get you all some deprogramming because you keep talking about returning to your prime and glory days and I think we need to unpack some stuff you really SHOULDNT return to. im not even really talking about EW proper but the patches where things are a bit more chilled out and people are recovering.

It feels like they wanted to have their critique of imperialism and also have things end with the beauty of human connection and reaching out and these things just don't mesh well because hey a lot of your modern day audience is not gonna like having to treat people yelling xenophobic things at the cast and your character with kid gloves after you showed them hours and hours of the awful things these people's beliefs have done. especially in the present day hoo boy.

[chriseoffutt]

Thought For The Day

I’ve been meaning to write this since it happened. I’m just now getting to it!. In mid October, I took my morning walk as I always do. Maybe 20 minutes in, I realized my sunglasses had fallen out of my pocket. I had a choice to retrace my steps or let it go and continue my walk. I decided to let it go and carry on with my walk. It was a big hurdle for me as usually I become obsessed with finding…

[sereniv]

I saved a daddy long legs!

i was scared and (i know dont @ me) was considering spraying him because I still fear spiders and spider-look-a-likes

up until past few years ive been working really hard on figuring out how to save them rather than kill bc ofc, it doesnt align with my views to kill them

normally i let my dog eat them to justify it- ironically, bc "im not killing them, my dog is"

but he was in one place, not moving and i was on the toilet, so i took the time to read up about him.

i named him, forced myself to, and to call him cute, so that it would make it harder for me to go through with killing him

i tried to imagine him being curious, or scared, or relaxing. Though i know most likely they arent capable of it in a way we can understand, it still helped me see him as no different than my dog or cat or me, rather than "just a bug' or some type of 'scary thing'

and in the end i saved him! container and a folder.

i still was scared, but seeing the (idk another word) humanity in him, the value he has and that he has for himself as a living being, helped make it possible to save him

its still really hard, and on occasion i do end up killing spiders or having my dog eat them when its quick scenarios where i dont have time to think it through

but compared to years ago ive gone from saving 0 to maybe 80%

and this is one of those moments where, its not exactly possible for me to push myself because it can undo all the work ive done. and thats ok.

this is the best i can do right now and im proud of myself.

my best, is not how i imagine my best being. in my mind, i could push myself harder but thats not practical.

doing your best is strategic.

im just so glad i didnt kill him. reading about him, learning about him, appreciating his role, and labeling him cute and giving him a name helped a lot

and sometimes, anthropomorphizing animals can be beneficial. i know he doesnt feel fear and curiosity like i do, but if it means not unnecessarily taking a life, then he does to me in that moment

[eggbagelz]

Everytime someone mentions preferring the nge series ending to the end of evangelion ten million people flock to tell them theyre wrong and missed the point and that eoe is a masterpiece and

[slocumjoe]

hey uhhh i went thru ur oc post history and u said gus set himself on fire?? pls context

I love this character because whenever someone asks about him I always have to take a deep breath and get comfortable and suck a breath in through my teeth. I treat him so poorly

More Gus lore, because that specific event is actually tied to the very first event that would fuck him up forever, so I can't really talk about it without going in depth.

This is explaining the core tenent of Augustijn's story, which is guilt and its dangers. Basically, where that constant guilt came from, and how it...turned out for him...

It turns out okay. Just...takes 200+ years, an apocalypse, a divorce, and his son dying! 🥳Yay🥳

Tw; Religious trauma, child abuse, suicide, drug use, cannibalism, mental illnesses, and yet another suicide attempt.

So, some background, Gus's mom, Emma, was a fanatic catholic and generally Bat Shit about religion. As you might imagine, this is the Direct Source of both Gus' questionable worldviews, traumas, and his biological inclination to uuuhhh bad Head Times.

Emma was raised mildly religious, but she...took to it too hard? Her family was not the cause of her obsession, Gus's grandparents and uncles/aunts over there actually cut her off at one point, because she was starting to worry them but reaching out led to her lashing out. So, they just...backed off. Emma herself was a simple, homebody woman, who wanted to be at home raising her kids, and tending her garden. She would have been this way even without the religious thing.

But Emma and her side of the family were prone to addiction, see? And religion became her point of fixation and obsession. This could have still been okay, if not for the church she went into. A catholic church in the Hague that was known by all for being kind of fucking out there, even by other hardcore Catholics. This was one she went into, and even her grandchild 240+ years later would feel the ripple of this decision.

Emma goes into church and gets gnarly ideas about how life works. Its a woman's duty to have kids and raise them, to be good to her husband and her house, to listen and obey her men. Sin is inevitable and everyone does it, only those that admit and accept punishment can get another chance at Paradise. God knows every action you take and he does not care for the context, he only cares about the action. There is no "well, but" under the Lord.

Emma has mental illness, some kind of depression and anxiety, so this Big Brother Watching And Judging fucked her up. Especially since her church, in particular, was physically abusive if you did not confess to anything during confession. They thought if you had nothing to confess, you were lying.

At this point, she's met and engaged to Theodore Reinier, a rich heir to a European manufacturing company. He's pretty, a gentleman, and best of all, rich, so she can have as big and luxurious a garden as she wants. She likes him. She does not love him. She's in her twenties and unmarried with no kids, and her poor family needs to be taken care of. So she marries him. Theodore is smart enough to see this for what it is, and kind enough to allow it. He lets his wife do her own thing and treats her as a friend, rather than a lover. She hates this, she wants to be a wife (she doesnt). She wants kids, he gives her one. Augustijn. This birth goes rough, and she's told no more children.

Theodore makes one rule; August goes to a different church, or he does not go at all. Theo really didn't like Emma's church and he certainly wasn't exposing his kid to that shit.

Emma pretends to agree and takes Gus to That Church. Theo doesn't attend, so he doesn't know this is happening until much later. Gus gets all the same nasty shit Emma does. Theo learns of this when he sees Gus covered in bruises from confession beatings. This puts a huge rift between him and Emma, and he pulls all the strings he can to have her church shut down.

Emma grows to resent and hate Theo and Augustijn for not being the perfect husband and child she deserves as a good, God fearing house wife. Augustijn is left to his nannies, Emma hides away in her private garden, fuming. Theodore tries to bond with his son, but Emma's poisoned that well.

Emma tells Augustijn about demons, to fear them. She specifically tells him about church grims, demons that hunt around churches in the form of a dog to drag sinners to hell. She says this as she's admiring her new obsidian dog statues for her garden.

Eventually, Emma goes yellow wallpaper and loses her mind, and is sent to therapy and put on medications. Augustijn loathes his father for his mother's state. Theodore just wants his friend and son okay. But Emma, as she's out in town, coming back from therapy, she stops at a friend's house while the friend isn't there, and hooks up with the woman's husband. Friend's husband was stern, strict with his wife, God fearing, and generally an obnoxious 50s ideal shithead husband. Everything Emma wanted. This wasn't out of nowhere, it was brewing in the background. She knew both of them from her old church.

Emma goes home, and finally having a reason for the guilt that's always plagued her, elects to acknowledge her sin. She drowns herself in the pond of her garden, stared down by three dark, ruby-eyed dogs, overseeing her passage into the afterlife. Her young son comes into the garden to meet his mother, after she's been gone all day, only to find her in a red pool. He looks up into the eyes of the dogs. He remembers nothing of this incident, blocking it out and having been too young to understand.

Years pass, and Augustijn turns to drugs as well, though his come from the darkest parts of the Hague, rather than a doctor. He turns to sex, to crime, to anything he thinks will either corrupt him so much he doesn't care, or will finally make his guilt feel justified. He wears his mother's cross necklace through it all, and sees her beloved dog with every sin.

Augustijn goes to America for college, to Harvard, studying to become a pastor himself. (This is maybe the most terrifying part of him, the fact that he almost got it). But he doesn't feel satisfied with it, has a moment of clarity and realizes he isn't fit to preach anything. The grim certainly doesn't think so. He instead follows his only friend, Isadora, into the military. The US government allowing their soldiers to do chems means his failed drug tests don't matter.

Augustijn becomes a sniper. He has always hurt people, excelled in it, but taking life frightens him, because he knows he has no right to decide who lives or dies, not like this. But he's in China, and he's told to kill. He does, and he's very good at it. His teammates marvel at just how scrappy and determined he is, like a weed, a mold.

The Biandukou Pass Incident occurs. He eats his entire team, trapped in a Chinese mountain range during a blizzard.

Delirious from almost two months of surviving on nothing but psycho and human flesh, Augustijn is let loose back into Boston, honorably discharged. His lingering hallucinations from his Daytripper addiction, mixed with psycho withdrawal, trauma, guilt, shame, the fear of God—everything culminates. He looks up and sees the figure that has haunted him since that one, awful day; the church grim, staring expectantly.

His mother drowned herself, so he thought it fitting if he set himself ablaze.

[todayisafridaynight]

Throwing in fun (not fun) facts to contribute esp bc I was tagged in the essay: (Sorry in advance this is literally my career and special interest AND I just got back from a training conference about this SO obv I am going to talk too much. Disclosure: These statistics are from peer-reviewed sources AND the National Children's Alliance. The NCA IS an American association, though, so take this all with a grain of salt bc we're applying it to someone whose bg is not American lmao. This is an essay for funsies. CW: discussion of and stats about CSA, Child Abuse) Relevant to the Jo stuff is also that victims of one/any kind of abuse are statistically much more likely to subsequently face overlapping abuse, so knowing he comes from a home where abuse and potential neglect was actively occurring sets Jo-boy up for some sad statistics. I am looking for my notes on the stats for that but it's something stupid high, I wanna say over 30 or 40%.

Additionally, 47%~ of CSA victims are revictimized. Abysmal statistic but mostly just an interesting note if this IS the case/if we choose to interpret Jo this way bc of the other things mentioned in Masu's ask, specifically if we're viewing his unhealthy and ultimately traumatic relationship with Ikumi as a potential example of that revictimization (similarly, coming from a like background, it may have been revictimizing for Ikumi if she had ever experienced something like CSA, as well. It's one of those cases where they both got hurt even if neither of them were at fault for "playing house" as Jo calls it).

Seconding/Adding on to Masu's thoughts about Jo's behavior being as self-destructive as it is because of the compounded trauma of his life, victims of adolescent abuse "engage in health-risk behaviors such as substance use, physical fighting, and risky sexual activity," in far higher numbers than non-victims. We know for facts that adolescent Jo checks at least 2 of those 3 boxes, and that he still puts himself in unnecessary danger as a full grown adult (the Heian Tower fight, and Hoshino's Office fight): An interesting and well-written cycle of trauma and abuse on RGGs part, tbh, but also so narratively telling about how he saw/sees/continues to see himself as more an object than a person. (Love your notes on that btw, it rings very true. I could write an essay on that alone tbh.)

Another weird little thing I notice from both a Doyalist AND Watsonian perspective: Jo's disclosure of his father's abuse would classify as what we call an "accidental disclosure" in the field even though it's clearly intentional that he shares it with Ichi - it's offhanded and markedly unimportant in the story he's telling. He says it passively in a literary sense, as well: "The only thing waiting for me at home was my father's fists." Like homie, that's the most roundabout way you could have said "My dad beat me." Interestingly, up to 50% of [specifically CSA] victims do not state outright that abuse occurs, but disclose it accidentally/offhandedly; and in general, accidental disclosure is more common among people who have also delayed disclosure. Up to 66% of admissions from victims of child abuse come delayed if they come at all.

I think it's a very in-character remark of him to make, but statistically, it lines up with other victims of abuse as a whole. I think it's also just cool that from the Doyalist perspective, writing his lines in this way was intentional. It's part of the whole "Everything Jo says sounds like it could mean more than one thing" thing. He speaks poetically - it's intentional not just for the character but for the writer.

Okay, I'm done for now I'm sorry I just wanted to throw some added stuff into the convo bc I love applying my everyday usage of adolescent-focused trauma care and pysch shit to blorbos and seeing what sticks. Anyway, I also have a shit ton of thoughts on Masumi Arakawa as an abuse survivor but THATS another essay I won't dig into now. If I am still in your good graces after this long ass spiel I will consider it not only amazing but perhaps even cool as hell.

[ continuity of this ask ]

[beeseverywhen]

I mean like. Not to bring the mood down but... you guys know that's because American media is everywhere right? Like the world is unable to avoid some version of American accent on a regular basis. Of course ppl find it easy to mimic. This is absolutely not restricted to ppl in the UK, its really common for ppl who learn English as a foreign language to have perfect 'American actor' accents (cause the reason everyone's so good at the American accent that's expected of them as actors is cause at large there's little distinction between regions in the 'Hollywood accent' that ends up on TV and films and stuff. You guys have massive regional differences in pronounceation, but what makes it on to TV (in 9/10 cases) is a very standardised version of American English.)

But yeah. It's not just actors lol. Most British ppl can speak in a passable american accent, as can loads and loads of people worldwide. I'm not saying this to be like 'you should feel guilty! 😡' but it does always stun me when Americans are unaware of the impact their country has worldwide on all versions of English (and even on use of native languages. Many countries are using English more and more over their native languages and dialects , and yeah, historical colonialism has had an impact there.)

But in the last few decades things have progressed way way faster and that, is thanks to the impact of anglo/american/ect lead capitalism. I'm in no way dismissing the impact the UK has on this, but in recent years, its the US that is largely pushing that train .While the UK and several English speaking commonwealth countries are very involved in this kind of capitalist imperialism, there's a reason that more and more people are speaking American English. Not one of the many UK dialects, not Australian English, or NZ English. Across the world more and more people are increasingly speaking in the same standardised american dialect that's in so much of the media you export. Hollywood based media, with that standardised accent/ dialect and the standardised 'normal american life', has a stranglehold on the world and I just find it crazy that a lot of you guys don't even know.

It's stupid stuff like. So many countries are importing american cars and are widening their roads/ changing town planning to account for it (this is less of a thing in the UK but I see it more and more when I travel). Its the food becoming avaliable everywhere. Its the influence that for profit healthcare has even on countries with socialised health systems. Its houses being built to account for American style appliances. Fashion trends. Worldwide, everything is slowly evolving to be closer and closer to this 'American standard' which honestly? I really don't think actually represents the lives of real American people either. You've been turned in to products, the system has taken an unrealistic snapshot of 'American life' and it's being sold to you all day in day out, but it's also being sold to the rest of us. It's being pushed on us all.

Kids in the UK go through phases of talking only in American accents. Anyone born later than the 90s is carrying round 2 sets of spelling and vocab, cause we're all so used to the American way, that you barely know which one you're using half of the time. In the UK we have always had really strong regional accents yeah, and dialects differ between areas that seem tiny to you guys, I know. But like. Those dialects are being lost cause all UK accents are evolving to become closer to this standardised american and yeah not great, but at least we share a language! US American society is largely rooted in the same foundations as UK society, largely we have the same flaws! But oh my god. What about the rest of the world.

It's global. This impact continues to be seen, steamrollering ahead, in places that had completely different starting points. UK culture isn't that dissimilar to that of the US, so we aren't losing nearly as much as cultures that had something completely different. So much is being lost.

Languages and dialects and everything else is just being wallpapered over so we all meet the same ideal of the 'American life' and it's not even real! It's just a product based on how ppl were actually living in the US, manipulated until it's the most marketable mould. You guys are victims of it as well but like. It's based on your culture so you don't lose as much if you conform to it. Just like how in the UK, if we conform, we lose more than US, but nowhere near as much as countries that had languages, dialects and cultures that were so so different to UK/US culture. The less like the US, your starting point, the more there is to lose.

And look. I said it to start with. I'm not having a go. That's not what this is. But you guys really need to be aware, you need to make an effort to understand the impact that this plastic Hollywood american culture is having on the rest of the world. You need to actively look for it, and make an effort to not pay in to it. Because when Americans see other cultures represented in media and say its not relatable, when you guys go on holiday and make no effort to learn local customs, and try and pay in dollars and spend your time abroad like you're still in America, when you see cultural differences and immediately argue that the American way is better and of course everyone should have giant cars and never dry laundry outdoors and live in American style homes, without any kind of critical thought. Just 'this is how we do it so why wouldn't everyone else do it this way. This is the only way. The American way is obviously best.' When you guys do that you are individually feeding in to this absolute bulldozing of cultures (including American ones!) to allow for better marketability.

It isn't any one individual American citizens fault that things are the way they are, and you guys are victims of the same system, but you need to have some self awareness when it comes to the fact that as individuals you are unknowingly, helping driving this forwards and as individuals, there are things you can do to limit your personal impact (and no arguing that you have no culture is not it!!! Being all self deprecating doesn't do shit. Take some responsibility and accept that individual Americans didn't create this system, but currently, individual Americans really are doing their bit to keep promoting it, to keep pushing it on the rest of the world.

And I've already rambled for an age so I'll stop here but I just want to make clear as an ending note here, that this really isn't about piling on Americans and being all 'boo it's all America's fault. They should apologise. Their culture isn't worth anything.' Not at all this is the opposite of that. The fact that millions of Americans have been convinced you have no culture, all while a mimicry of American culture is plastered on to the rest of the world, and while you as individuals are encouraged to help that happen, often without even realising what you're doing; is a crime. You've been wronged, as have we all.

And America is not the problem. The problem is imperialism and it didn't start with you guys. It started in Europe, and Europeans, particularly British ppl, have a responsibility to push back and be self aware, take some fucking responsibility and not inadvertently keep feeding in to that system, just as you guys do. The US didn't start the fire, imperialist capitalism is a fire that started burning long before the United States was even considered, but its on all of us, to do what we can to not feed that fire. And right now? You guys are the face of it.

This idea of what America is, is the face of imperialistic capitalism, and that means that even if you don't mean to, you guys are feeding that fire more so than the rest of us. You're responsible for spreading it, more so than the rest of us. And if you don't step up and take responsibility, accept that you're gonna get it wrong sometimes and you need to try to do better; if we don't all do that. There will be nothing left. They'll paper over it all, the lives of real Americans just as much as those in Scotland and India and the Netherlands, and 100 other cultures, that are at risk, thanks to this fire, that's currently, largely coming from America.

So yeah. It's absolutely not just on you guys and ppl who act like there's no racism or wealth divide in Europe or anywhere else for that matter are complete idiots, however, this Americanisation of the world (and I hesitate to call it that. Because its not a representation of real American lives. Its simply wearing an American face.) Its real. It's happening.

And we don't tell you about it to make you feel guilty (those of us who aren't dicks at least) ,we are telling you. We are kicking up a fuss. Because it isn't fair. It's not right and while individual Americans ignore that and refuse to take responsibility where they can (small apples. We aren't asking for you to call a violent revolution in our names. Just take some time to learn about the rest of the world. Stop assuming America is always right and examine your biases. When you find them. Stop personally pushing them.) , while that is happening, as individuals, you are contributing to this. It's not even altruism. This system is hurting Americans too. It's hurting us all. All we ask is that you do what you can to not personally contribute, and keep an open mind, be aware. That's all any of us can do.

when a british actor does an american accent everyone’s like “i didn’t even know they were british until they were on colbert.” but when americans do a british accent everyone’s like “they’re supposed to be from east cocksford but their glottal e’s are north dicksford. shameful.”

[raffaellopalandri]

The Illusion of "Hard" Decisions: A Buddhist and Stoic Perspective

Daily writing promptWhat’s the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make? Why?View all responses People often ask me, “What is your hardest decision ever?” This question has the potential to elicit stories of struggle, conflict, or triumph over adversity. However, when I reflect on this from my perspective as a Buddhist priest and a practitioner of Stoicism, the framing of such a question feels…

[heavenangelblog]

sorry

I don't care about - don't [try to protect yourself] hurt them because he's sick

Geni

[noisycowboyglitter]

Puzzle Sloth: Advocating for Autism Awareness Until All Pieces Fit

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[therapythoughtstogether]

I feel so many of us can benefit from reading this.

Sending love!

how do i deal with crippling jealousy? the type triggered by your fp having a fun time without you.

Jealousy can be a very difficult emotion to deal with even for most people, with or without BPD (though the intensity or duration of that intensity is much more extreme for people who have BPD). In DBT, we’re taught to deal with unwanted emotions in a variety of ways, but the “best way” in the eyes of many therapists (and many patients who have mastered the skill I’m about to talk about) is through an Emotion Regulation Skill called Opposite Action. 

1. What is Opposite Action?

Opposite Action, at its core, is pretty much just what it sounds like.  You use the Opposite Action Skill when your emotions do not fit the facts (see Check the Facts post, and well as Method 1 and Method 2 to help determine if your emotion–or its intensity or duration–fits the facts).  You also use Opposite Action when your emotion does fit the facts but it would be ineffective to act on it. 

By acting opposite of what your emotions are urging you to do, you are able to change your emotional reactions and possibly your emotional state in the process.

You usually use Opposite Action after first using Check the Facts, a skill that helps you determine whether your problem emotion is justified or not. If your jealousy isn’t warranted or is ineffective (which is what it sounds like in your ask) then you would use the Opposite Action Skill.  If your jealous is warranted, then you would use the Problem Solving Skill (link coming soon).

Opposite Action is a fairly straightforward skill but most DBT therapists consider it to be the most difficult skill to master because it requires you to do the exact opposite of what your feelings or thoughts are telling you to do, which often feels unnatural, not genuine/dishonest, or uncomfortable.  It’s not always easy, so sometimes it’s best to start small.

2. When does Jealousy “Fit the Facts”?

So, just to let everyone know, the Manual says that Jealousy “fits the facts” of a situation when:

Someone is threatening to take away a very important and desired relationship or object away from you.

An important and desired relationship is in danger of being damaged or lost

(Honestly there are a lot more legitimate feelings for jealousy, but these are the ones DBT focuses on.)

If feelings of jealousy are not justified by the facts or are not effective, you would then use Opposite Action.

3. Opposite Actions for Jealousy

Opposite Actions for Jealousy can include (but are not limited to) the following:

Do the opposite of your jealous action urges (usually specific to the situation causing your jealousy)

Let go of feeling the need to control others’ actions (such as wanting to control who your FP has fun with)

Share the things and people you have in your life.

Distract yourself from your jealousy by doing something you enjoy (even with other people) and allow yourself to have fun without your FP as well, hopefully teaching yourself that you both can have fun without needing to be together for that fun to be positive.  Remember, don’t do this to make your FP jealous in response. This involves letting go of pettiness or vengeful feelings.

4. Opposite Action “All the Way”

There’s another “level” of sorts when it comes to Opposite Action (you can look at it like “leveling up”).  The following kinds of Opposite Action are called “All The Way Opposite Action”:

Suppress your need to ask your FP (or whoever is the subject of your jealousy) where they were, who they were with, if they like those people better than they like you, etc.  That kind of behaviour can get controlling very quickly, so completely resist the urge to do so.  (Remember, this applies ONLY IF YOUR JEALOUSY DOES NOT FIT THE FACTS!  If you have a valid reason to be jealous, it makes sense to ask these sorts of questions because you’re accurately assessing a threat.)

No avoiding.  If you’re with the people who make you feel jealous, rather than withdrawing, you should engage while keeping your eyes open and be Mindfully Observing while Participating in the moment.  Observing will help you hopefully see the interaction Non-Judgmentally rather than viewing things with jealousy-tinted lenses. 

Change your posture.  Jealousy can make us feel very tense and sometimes nervous and sometimes aggressive so to the following things to change your posture: a) Unclench your hands and adopt a Willing Hands posture, b) Relax chest and stomach muscles through Progressive Muscle Relaxation, c) Unclench teeth, d) Relax facial muscles and adopt a Half-Smile

Change your body chemistry by using TIP, especially the Tempterature part to bring down emotional intensity and the Paced Breathing part, to control your breathing and feel calmer and less threatened.

5. Jealousy Vs. Envy

Now, Jealousy and Envy are often confused, so while it sounds to me like you’re experiencing jealousy, it might be beneficial for other followers to give a short breakdown of what Envy is:

Envy fits the facts when another person or group has what you want or need but don’t have.

The Opposite Actions for Envy is based around on “counting your blessings” and doing things to stop you from feeling resentful or bitter towards people who have what you want or need, as well as Checking the Facts to see if they really have so much more than you. (They might.  There are lots of cases where certain people might have much more than you and that’s part of living in an inherently unequal society.)

6. What to do When Opposite Action Takes Too Many Spoons or Doesn’t Work for You

Back, to Jealousy, if Opposite Action is takes up too many spoons, or you’re just not in the right psychological place to try working against your jealousy, or the examples of Opposite Action for jealousy don’t really help you (which is totally possible, I feel that way about most of the Opposite Action pages of the DBT Manual), then I have one more skill I can suggest:

Radical Acceptance/Reality Acknowledgement

Reality Acknowledgement, as I like to call it, is a Distress Tolerance Skill that you use when you cannot change your feeling/situation/consequences/etc yet fighting against that reality is ineffective and may just cause you more suffering.

This is especially useful when you’re dealing with overwhelming jealousy and the situation you’re jealous about is not one that you can change.  Ultimately, if Opposite Action doesn’t work, you’ll have to learn how to live with your jealousy–which is not an easy thing.  Learning to live with an emotion that you don’t like but you have no ability to make it go away is very tough, but Radical Acceptance/Reality Acknowledgement can help you come to terms with these emotions that might be inspiring feelings of self-depreciation or self-hatred inside you for feeling them at all.

Here are some links of posts I’ve previously written about Reality Acknowledgement:

What is Radical Acceptance/Reality Acknowledgement?

How to Practice Reality Acknowledgement

Turning the Mind

It also helps to be Mindful when practicing Reality Acknowledgement.  Use your Wise Mind: is it Effective to feel jealous over this? Is this jealousy helping you in any way? You can use Mindfulness Skills to help you to Observe and Describe the situation in a Non-Judgmental way, thereby hopefully removing a lot of the assumptions and/or judgements you might be making about the situation or people who are making you jealous.  Try to focus on the present moment that you’re in, rather than get sucked into “What if” thinking that focuses on the future or on events that you don’t have any first-hand knowledge of.

(Such as “What if my FP is having so much fun without me because my FP is venting about how terrible I am and they’re having fun laughing at me.”  That’s an example of catastrophic thinking–not saying this is something you personally are thinking–and the reason it’s catastrophic thinking is because you have no proof that anything like that is happening at all, but it’s a thought that would absolutely make you feel worse if you were thinking it.)

While being Mindful and accessing your Wise Mind, you can experience the emotion of jealousy like a wave, a wave that comes over you, peaks, and then recedes.  (This is called “Mindfulness of Current Emotions” and is a component of Emotion Regulation.)  Experience the jealousy you feel as an undeniable part of the present moment, but not a permanent one, and not an emotion you need to push away.  Just allow yourself to experience it and let the emotion run its course without clinging to it or pushing it away–because not allowing your emotions to run their natural course often makes them worse.

7. When all Else Fails:

a) Communicate.  Communicate with your FP that you feel jealous and why.  All healthy relationships are founded on solid and honest communication.  Just be honest, not with any intention of coercing them to change their behaviour or stop doing what’s making you jealous, but be honest with the hope of having a conversation where both of you can clarify how you feel and result in reassurance or even a compromise.  It’s always important to be open with special people in our lives about our emotional states–this helps mitigate splitting and withdrawal/isolation and fear of abandonment.

b) The other thing you can do after opening up about feeling jealous and after working to accept that your FP’s actions are their own choices that you can’t control, you can look into Distress Tolerance Skills.  Jealousy can be an awful emotion to feel.  It can also use up a lot of spoons, which you may not have had a lot of in the first place.  To replenish spoons as well as mitigate the effects the worst of your jealousy, Distress Tolerance Skills are the best skills for this.  Some DBT Distress Tolerance Skills that might be relevant are:

STOP: Stop, Take a step back, Observe, Proceed Mindfully

TIP: Temperature, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing/Paired Muscle Relaxation/Progressive Muscle Relaxation (used to change your level of distress quickly)

Distract using Wise Mind ACCEPTS: Distract yourself with Activities, Contributing, Comparisons, Emotions, Pushing away, Thoughts, Sensations

Self-Soothe: Use the senses (vision, hearing, taste, smell, touch) to soothe your physical self in order to make your emotions less painful. (Big List of Self-Soothe Ideas here)

IMPROVE the Moment: Improve the moment with Imagery, Meaning, Prayer, Relaxation, One thing in the moment, Vacations, Encouragement

Radical Acceptance/Reality Acknowledgement: Acknowledge what is, let go of fighting or denying reality.  Use TURNING THE MIND to commit to acknowledgement over and over again.

Further Reading: You might be interested in looking at our resources that address the “fear of abandonment” symptom that might be an underlying factor of your jealousy, which there are many links in the FAQ on that subject.  You can also read all our previous posts pertaining to jealousy here.  You might find that reassurance from your FP might help ease your jealousy (or perhaps your potentially underlying fear of abandonment) so here is a post about how to ask for reassurance.

TL;DR:  Jealousy, like all emotions, may or may not fit the facts of a situation.  If jealousy doesn’t fit the facts of a situation or it would be ineffective to act on the urges associated with the feelings of jealousy.  When jealousy does not fit the facts or is ineffective, use the DBT Skill Opposite Action.  Opposite Action is a skill you use for a situation like this, where you act in the opposite way than your emotion wants you to.  Doing this can change your body chemistry and thus your emotional state.

If Opposite Action doesn’t work, try Reality Acknowledgement, be Mindful, and use Distress Tolerance Skills to diminish the intensity of your jealousy.  And, fundamental to any relationship, have an open conversation about your feelings without any intent to control the outcome.

-Pandora