#the thing is we just have to accept im very stupid and wont have a lot of commentary. just quiet note taking

[todayisafridaynight]

Throwing in fun (not fun) facts to contribute esp bc I was tagged in the essay: (Sorry in advance this is literally my career and special interest AND I just got back from a training conference about this SO obv I am going to talk too much. Disclosure: These statistics are from peer-reviewed sources AND the National Children's Alliance. The NCA IS an American association, though, so take this all with a grain of salt bc we're applying it to someone whose bg is not American lmao. This is an essay for funsies. CW: discussion of and stats about CSA, Child Abuse) Relevant to the Jo stuff is also that victims of one/any kind of abuse are statistically much more likely to subsequently face overlapping abuse, so knowing he comes from a home where abuse and potential neglect was actively occurring sets Jo-boy up for some sad statistics. I am looking for my notes on the stats for that but it's something stupid high, I wanna say over 30 or 40%.

Additionally, 47%~ of CSA victims are revictimized. Abysmal statistic but mostly just an interesting note if this IS the case/if we choose to interpret Jo this way bc of the other things mentioned in Masu's ask, specifically if we're viewing his unhealthy and ultimately traumatic relationship with Ikumi as a potential example of that revictimization (similarly, coming from a like background, it may have been revictimizing for Ikumi if she had ever experienced something like CSA, as well. It's one of those cases where they both got hurt even if neither of them were at fault for "playing house" as Jo calls it).

Seconding/Adding on to Masu's thoughts about Jo's behavior being as self-destructive as it is because of the compounded trauma of his life, victims of adolescent abuse "engage in health-risk behaviors such as substance use, physical fighting, and risky sexual activity," in far higher numbers than non-victims. We know for facts that adolescent Jo checks at least 2 of those 3 boxes, and that he still puts himself in unnecessary danger as a full grown adult (the Heian Tower fight, and Hoshino's Office fight): An interesting and well-written cycle of trauma and abuse on RGGs part, tbh, but also so narratively telling about how he saw/sees/continues to see himself as more an object than a person. (Love your notes on that btw, it rings very true. I could write an essay on that alone tbh.)

Another weird little thing I notice from both a Doyalist AND Watsonian perspective: Jo's disclosure of his father's abuse would classify as what we call an "accidental disclosure" in the field even though it's clearly intentional that he shares it with Ichi - it's offhanded and markedly unimportant in the story he's telling. He says it passively in a literary sense, as well: "The only thing waiting for me at home was my father's fists." Like homie, that's the most roundabout way you could have said "My dad beat me." Interestingly, up to 50% of [specifically CSA] victims do not state outright that abuse occurs, but disclose it accidentally/offhandedly; and in general, accidental disclosure is more common among people who have also delayed disclosure. Up to 66% of admissions from victims of child abuse come delayed if they come at all.

I think it's a very in-character remark of him to make, but statistically, it lines up with other victims of abuse as a whole. I think it's also just cool that from the Doyalist perspective, writing his lines in this way was intentional. It's part of the whole "Everything Jo says sounds like it could mean more than one thing" thing. He speaks poetically - it's intentional not just for the character but for the writer.

Okay, I'm done for now I'm sorry I just wanted to throw some added stuff into the convo bc I love applying my everyday usage of adolescent-focused trauma care and pysch shit to blorbos and seeing what sticks. Anyway, I also have a shit ton of thoughts on Masumi Arakawa as an abuse survivor but THATS another essay I won't dig into now. If I am still in your good graces after this long ass spiel I will consider it not only amazing but perhaps even cool as hell.

[ continuity of this ask ]

[kaddyssammlung]

Im the stc lore anon. Im very aware of the old interviews. In fact thats exactly part of why i get so frustrated with the fan interpretations of lore. Because its one of the things in my view that debunks the romance about sleep theories. Its just very frustrating feeling so strongly about my theory the fan lore is not canon while seemingly most of the fandom assumes the fan lore is absolutely 100 percent canon and just needs some more puzzle pieces to unluck the True Story. I used to believe the fanmade lore, but i no longer can do so especially when ive seen various bits of concerning behavior in the fandom where i think people take it wayyy too far. I think the only "canon" interpretation of the lyrics is the real person behind the masks life story, otherwise theres no "canon" and we are supposed to do whatever we want. But i think things have just gotten wayyy out of control with the its about a romance with sleep theory. What makes me actually hate it is how much people insist the people on stage are "characters" (i regularly see disclaimers saying "dont worry im just talking about the characters not the real people" when i really dont think they are "characters" in the way people think... this is not an anti fanfic/shipping/headcanon about real people stance btw i dont care about that as long as you dont go too far, i just dont like the insistence theyre "characters" because that feels so dehumanizing) and how rude people are if you dont agree with the fanlore (the vitriol aimed at alternate interpretations is really disgusting, especially the "why are sexualizing the lyrics, youre a bad person" crowds vitriol and insistence theyre the Good Fans while if you dont agree you deserve awful things). Otherwise, i just get *personally* annoyed with how often i come across the "its totally canon that its about sleep theories" when i dont want to *personally* hear those theories at all. I hope im making sense, and maybe im being an asshole in how im expressing my views idk. I just really feel like an outsider in this fandom and get so happy when i come across people who actually agree with me because it makes me feel less alone and like im not stupid or whatever. Just have fun, let the music mean something special to you, and remember the band (and their fans for that matter, going back to the vitriol thing) are human beings, thats what ultimately matters. I just think the lore as the fans see it has gotten into concerning territory. Wont leave any more anons about this for now because i dont want to drag this out more, i just saw your replies/post and wanted to respond in hopes what im trying to say will finally come out right (im not always the best with words, im very blunt, im very opinionated, etc)

Good Morning or Guten Morgen or Happy Timezone

I get your point and I don't think that you're an asshole.

I think you are struggling with something that many struggle and the fans that you call out also struggle with that: it's acceptance. Or accepting what is; in that case it's fan's who act a certain way or have different opinions or see things in a different way.

Acceptance is a mastery. It's something that is very hard to achieve.

Your situation reminds me of something that I could not accept for a long time in that fandom. So I'm going to talk about that.

This will probably be a long post so I'm hiding this and also mental health topics will come up.

I always had this assumption that everyone could see what I see when I look at Vessel. I'm talking concerts photos and “peeled Vessel” and the things that get revealed when the paint comes down. To me his scars are one of the few things that I can observe and so can everyone else, right?! There are so many even the ones from a certain attempt on both his right and his left forearm.

Well...right?! They are right in your face....

No! They are right in my face. I got into weird arguments about this topic. Which is a weird thing to argue about because this topic is a very painful one and also a strange one. There is a giant stigma around it. There are even “mental health professionals” on YouTube who refuse to talk about that topic and pretend that it does not exist because YouTube does not like these topics. It's a weird topic.

But it was exactly that what got me into the lyrics so much. I wanted to figure out the story behind what I could see.

All I found was myself and the parts of me that I denied that even existed. I stopped searching for the story and started to face myself instead.

I found a great new spiritual teacher because of that. She teaches acceptance and also sacred neutrality.

It's been almost a year now with her teachings and me finally accepting that not everyone can see what I see when I look at Vessel.

There will always be humans out there who call all of this an assumption. To them he did not self-harm and does not have scars from a certain attempt. To them that's an assumption while for me it's a fact.

Those fans are not worse then me and I'm not better then them. I can accept that they just have a different view on everything.

It's the same with lore interpretations or the way that some treat them in a (your words) dehumanizing way.

I can accept all that I just don't read it or interact with them. I let them have their view on things and I have my weird view on things.

I argued with fans that said things like: I don't even like their music or listen to their music but....

They are a thing, too btw.

When it comes to Sleep btw. To me it's an entity. They are very real btw. I learned how to deal with them, too. But I can totally understand that many humans out there just don't get topics like entities or idk...I mean I saw fairy-like beings right in front of me one day. 99% of humans would probably just say that I just made this up. I can understand that or rather I learned how to accept that.

When I first heard about Sleep I thought about that day and the fairies. I just thought...maybe that guy is a bit weird like me?!

We all had different experiences that shaped us. And also some fans really are just 14.

One of the reasons why I left the big Discord for example was because they allow all ages. I had an argument with a nine year old! That's when my alarm bells came online and I thought to myself: no...not okay! Some fans act a certain way because they are actual kids.

Like I said....I found a place within me to accept all that.

But it took a lot of facing myself to find that acceptance. And it's a process that is on-going.

Maybe this helps you...maybe not....maybe it clarifies something...maybe not.

I'm learning everything from her btw. It's energy work....energy work means you work with your soul, your higher self, higher dimensional beings....all theses things.

One thing that I forgot....accepting something and agreeing with it is not the same thing. I can totally disagree but still accept that something.

[hotchs-big-hands]

can i rant for bit cuz ugh why do all the men on dating apps suck?? i hate how some men really seem to fetishize plus size women. like when you're trying to talk with them and all they wanna talk about is sexual stuff from the get go 😡😤 like hello?!? im more than just my body?? ive never even met you dude. ive got a personality, interests, etc. like do these men think they're doing plus size women a favor by aggressively sexualizing them?

it honestly sucks so much. so in order to cope I've been fantasing about hotch 😏

like imagine dbf!hotch where he overhears you ranting about dating and the men on the apps and later tries to talk to you about it. he'd tell you that they're all boys and you need a man.after hearing how upset and objectified you feel he'd probably decide to actively pursue you. especially if you've had a will they-wont they thing going on.

i just really want him to seduce me and give me a reason to delete all my dating apps

❤️‍🔥

I'm so sorry this is so late but girlie I feel this so hard. I legit gave up on dating apps cuz it was just "let me see how big your tits are" "😜 wanna meet up and fuck?" Even if your profile says you're not looking for that, youre looking to date! I thought at one point I found someone who was chill and wanted to just go on a date but then 🧍 well, we won't get into that. All in all, ppl need to stop fucking fetishising fat ppl. It's dehumanising. Do we want to be desired sexually? Absolutely. But not just that tho. We want to be loved and accepted for who we are and how we look. I really hope that you do eventually find someone who doesn't just see you as a sex object, ❤️‍🔥 anon because you deserve it 💖💖

Dbf!Aaron Hotchner is sooooooooo🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭 OOOOOGH

He is fucking PISSED knowing you're being treated like this on dating apps. He thinks it's fucking disgusting that people see you as nothing but a fetish. He fucking adores you. He thinks you're funny, sweet, beautiful, kind and well, of course he thinks you're fucking sexy too. But knowing you're trying to deal with all this shit makes him angry.

So he does whatever he can to show that he's, first of all, into you very much so. But also that hes not after you just for "having a good fuck with a thicc girl". The thought of people treating you as less than human, just sexual organs because of your curves makes him fucking sickened. Man starts to rly make an effort to show he is interested in you. He tries even harder to make you smile and laugh, treats you to stuff, is extremely attentive if you ever vent to him. And he can see it's working, you've got a pep in your step, and you always have that adorable shy smile on your face whenever he talks to you or looks at you. Big fan of fixing a stand of your hair.

One day something changes, you come to him upset and frustrated and you show him the dating app. You vent about it to him all about the disingenuous guys on there only seeing you as a thicc chick to fuck so they can tick it off their bucket list. And so he hugs you close, kissing the top of your head and says he can't stand to see you so upset anymore. But he has something to say that could help.

You pull away, confused. And he's looking at you with so much tenderness your heart tightens. He smiles, brushing a stray tear from your cheek.

"Sweetheart, those stupid boys don't know what they're doing. They don't know how to treat a woman, how to make her feel loved and cared for and seen as more than just their body type. I... I want to know if you'll have me. Accept me to show you how you deserve to be treated."

You can barely string words together, it's cute. But he sees more tears again and he panics, thinking he's gone too far.

"I'm sorry, this was not appropriate. I-"

"Yes.. I- yes, I want you." You interrupt him. It makes him pause, staring at you for a moment as he studies your expression. You glance away, feeling shy again. "I only started using dating apps because I didn't think I'd ever get to be with you, Aaron..."

Oh, oh sweetheart. His heart is soaring and he pulls you close for a tight hug, swaying you gently.

"Sweetheart, you have me. I'm yours."

Needless to say you freed up a lotttttt of space on your phone getting rid of all the dating apps 🥰 plenty of storage for the incoming pics you and Aaron will take together from this point forward.

[liquidstar]

Ok so, I have only ever watched one episode of Adventure Time, and it was on a hotel room TV, in terrible hindi dub, and I barely remember it on account of being 10(?) but it horrified me.

I remember the MCs trying to get Ice King a girlfriend or something, but he keeps being a gross asshole so they take him to a lake and point at some swans to try and explain love to him. They point to two swans kissing like ':D' and he's like 'ewww' and then the male swan suCKS IN AND EATS THE FEMALE and IK's like ':)))' while the boys stare in horror.

IDR how the episode ended or how much I watched, but I remember thinking 'wow american cartoons are hardcore. I'm sticking to pirated pokemon from now on.'

And you are telling me that show had lesbians in it leter????

oh my god im so sorry but imagining you watching that swan scene as a 10 year old is so fucking funny, i can understand why you stuck with pirated pokemon LOL

adventure time is absolutely very fucked up in a lot of different ways. the early seasons leaned into that type of absurd shit you just described a lot more especially. while the later ones actually started getting more existential and building on the worlds lore.

there wasnt exactly a focused plot, per say. i mean, there was, but it wasnt something methodical and planned out, it was played by ear. and i think it really worked. the way they did it turned out a really cool magic system (based on the idea that reality is just collective perception, and magic users are aware of this and can manipulate perception ergo reality. but the more cosmic knowledge you have the more insane or depressed you become etc especially if youre mortal), and also cool world building (it takes place in a post apocalypse after a nuclear war, now far into the future the face of the earth has completely changed but the horrors unleashed still impact it today), and also a lot of really amazing themes (the world is always changing and nothing is ever permanent, but no matter how things change things also stay the same, in a different way. especially where bonds and love are concerned. everything stays.)

and YEAH there are lesbians (i mean i always hc marcy as bi but still). and they also come from the shows improvisational nature. theres a lot of genuinely really amazing relationships and plotpoints born out of that to me. like, as the show starts to get a lot more thematically dense later on it can seem like a weird shift. some ppl say it got pretentious over time bc its not as goofy (its still pretty goofy lol), but i think it worked... like... perfectly.

because its a coming of age story where the main character actually ages, it actually feels so right that the world around him begins to seem different too. it makes sense that when he was 12 we were doing stupid goofy adventures, when he was 15 we were watching him deal with a lot of really fucked up trauma, and when he was 17 we watched him learn to grow as a person who thinks beyond simple terms of good and evil.

i know im tottaaallly rambling at this point but theres really an insane amount to talk about with adventure time. the timeline alone is ridiculous. but mostly i think my passion comes down to the fact that i was also growing up with the story, always around the same age as the mc going through similar stuff... even now, the story is focusing on a depressed 20-something trying to find whimsy in her life again. and technically the last episode timeline-wise is about accepting death lol

so like idk how exactly id recommend it to a new viewer, its really possible that a lot of ppl wont be able to really tolerate the early seasons as adults (i mean, i think theyre charming, but i have nostalgia goggles lol). that being said i think that its a series totally worth a shot for everyone... eventually. if it sounds interesting you just gotta accept the goofiness at first and trust that youre in for something wild in a totally different way later on. and totally unique and cool and special in a way nothing else has really been able to capture for me since.

TL;DR: no yeah the show was incredibly fucked up and that swan did eat that other swan. but it does have themes and also lesbians.

[quodekash]

I could literally fall asleep any minute but im nothing if not sleep deprived and watching my favourite gay little shows!

hey nawa, I see you looking at guy as he struggles in the room on his crutches

you should kiss him

I think that you should absolutely just slam your face into his

give him another injury but its not really an injury it's just a hickey

(we're less than a minute into the episode and im already begging guynawa to make out, we're off to a great start)

we all know this is a complete lie, we've seen the trailers, we know what's gonna happen

but that doesnt mean it doesnt hurt my sad little gay soul

sailom what the hell

no way

no

you are not quitting school

is that a frikin letter of resignation or smth? can you even do that?

I love that solution and I wish it were a possibility but sailom's gonna say no, of course he's gonna say no, because the stupid bastard doesn't like accepting help for free

he doesn't understand the concept of FRIENDSHIP and FAVOURS

BITCH YOU CAN ACCEPT HELP, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO ACCEPT HELP, THEY ARE SO SO WILLING TO HELP AND GIVE YOU MONEY AND SCHOLARSHIPS AND PLATONIC LOVE AND H E L P

O4EKLGHNVWOERISDLGI HE MAKES ME SO ANGRY I HATE HIM

guy's right, and I hate sailom so much for it

BUT THAT'S THE THING, he WONT ask for help, theres no way in HELL that he'll ask for help

which is precisely how he ends up getting shot at, alone on a street corner, and why kang will have to rescue him on his bike, and why sailom will stand in the bathroom with kang holding a blanket over him as he sobs 'I have no one left'

its not that you have no one left. it's that you wont accept the help from the people who love you

(and also your brother kind of abandoned you and your parents are dead and your boyfriend also kind of abandoned you and yeah anyone would definitely feel alone in that situation so he's perfectly valid, but also ALL of his friends are offering help, his teacher is offering help, and he's accepting NONE of it)

HUG TIME

OH MAN IM ALREADY SOBBING

I LOVE MEANINGFUL GROUP HUGS SO MUCH

this could be one of the last times that they see sailom for a really long time. theres no way I could possibly be sadder holy frick

I SPOKE TOO SOON

WHY MUST THERE BE FLASHBACKS

WHY

I HATE EVERYTHING

y'know, I really thought he might hug him. but nope. he wrenched that pin off his shirt and took my heart in the process.

OMG

YES

THE PERFECT THING TO MAKE ME REMEMBER WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE HAPPY

GUYNAWA TIME PLEASE GUYNAWA TIME

NOOOOO THE SCENE CUT BEFORE NAWA WALKED INTO THE LITTLE ROOM THINGY TO TALK TO GUY IM SO MAD

well, not really mad

mostly just sad

bitch wth

of COURSE he's not frikin doing alright

omg he's here too?

go talk to your boyfriendddd

and also ANSWER MY QUESTIONS PLEASE IM BEGGING YOU IM SO CONFUSED GIVE ME ANSWERS

awh :(

thank you krup ;-;

this man is lovely

not just for this but also just in general

but also his actor is the freaking DIRECTOR who is RESPONSIBLE for a LOT of my anguish so we can't be too nice to this guy

oh look at that. the shooting scene is right about to happen

I was expecting it to come later on in the episode but this works too I guess

who the hell are these guys???

they dont say a word

what the hell is going on

thank you kanggg

where did he come from tho

how'd he know where sailom was and that that was happening? did he just HAPPEN to be in the area?

or is he tracking sailom's phone just to make sure he's safe cos like he already got drugged once

hey man, have you ever heard of a little thing called dodgeball?

shocking, I know, but it IS possible for a gun to have been fired, and for the person being fired at to not actually get shot

I can't think of a single reason why sailom would make up this story. like sure you could argue that hes just trying to get an enemy/rival convicted, but he very explicitly stated that he has no idea who tried to shoot him, so it can't be that.

why the hell are you suspicious my guy?

acab is real man, holy frick

how do you know they're all fake tho?

maybe all of them were real reports and you're just an ignorant arrogant piece of shit who doesn't think people under the age of 20 are capable of being truthful

I hate this guy so much

OH MY-

NOW HES STARTING TO SOUND LIKE FRIKIN UMBRIDGE

I WAS IRRITATED BEFORE, BUT NOW IM ANGRY

deep breaths, deep breaths, in and out in and out, lets not destroy our laptop today

thATS WHAT I SAID!

I feel that

:(

im so sad man

oh would you look at that. ive been impaled.

yeah that whole scene was a trainwreck for me. I am very much not even slightly okay but its fine

OHHHHHHH

that makes sense

WHAT

ANSWER MY QUESTIONS BITCH

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED THAT NIGHT CMON MAN IM SO CONFUSED

the way they fall back into old habits, kang's arm draped over sailom ;-;

I ran out of images as per usual, BUT im halfway through the episode when it happened, as opposed to like ten minutes through, so that's a nice change of pace

[faela404]

☆ The Library ☆

kazuha x gn! reader

prompt: - you and kazuha attend the same university, him being a english lit major and you being a person in stem😎 your paths never crossed until that day in the library…

*this is an smau so please do expect a lot of twitter posts and messages to read, there will be proper writing too but, it will mostly be that!!*

warning! light angst? y/n being too oblivious to realise their feelings🙄

masterlist- prev | next

☆ winter is coming ☆

12:34am

as always we sat comfortably together in the far corner of the library. it’s so quiet in here but the quiet is very much welcomed.

kazuha was silently reading through the final page of his essay, he looked so peaceful like this. his posture was relaxed as his eyes moved back and forth across the words on his screen. from this angle i could see every small little detail of his face- from his light freckles, to the small furrow in his brows as he read. my god this man is gorgeous.

we had decided to clean the last section of the library first as we figured it would tire us out a bit, we were completely right. i’m knackered right now, and i could tell kazuha is too.

“i think it’s done” he muttered as he turned towards me with a gentle smile, he always looked so lovely when such a small curve graced his face.

“that perfect! that means we’re completely done here then!” i exclaimed with a smile of my own finding peace on my own face

i begin to help kazuha pack up his own things as we head towards the large doors of the library

good i’m so happy i wont have to walk through these stupid doors every night

“i’ll hand this is in tomorrow morning, i really can’t thank you enough for your help y/n” carefully he reached out for me, pulling me gently into his embrace

my head found solace on his shoulder as his arms wrapped around my waist with such caution, almost as if he was afraid he’d hurt me

“i should be the one thanking you, i never would’ve finished without your help kazuha” we slowly pulled away from eachother as he began walking me back to my dorms

this had become some sort of routine, we’d finish up and he’d walk me back. however, he’d never hugged me before, it was new but definitely not unwelcome

this routine was about to be over forever

it all hit me like a ton of bricks

i’d said it as a joke before but it’s so likely we’d never see each other again. i mean sure we have each other’s numbers but i doubt we’d text much, we don’t have a reason too anymore

i didn’t want this to be over

but what could i do? we’d already said goodbye

he’s leaving

i just have to accept this.

a/n omg💀 im so sorry for the long ass break, i had a hell of a lot of exams this january, but thankfully i have a week off next week (and then more exams😀🔫)

i hope you enjoyed this part and i can assure you that the next 2 will be out v soon after these😉

also lets just all ignore that i forgot to change the times on the group chat texts-

take care of yourselves <33

taglist - open! @kazuhaprnt @ryhie @scaraapologist @thissoulisnotok @kazuhalvrr @rifran @sleepyhamster1001 @mccnstruck @micahmxi @whipped-for-fictionals @sashiette @kozumieee @lazy-sanns @mangobee @lez-zuha @kaoyamamegami @hedonesstuff @oliver-s-worlds @phoenix-eclipses @lisaslittle-helper @serafinaspost @richxelle

bold = blog not found

[fictionkinfessions]

Finished Windblume!! (so SPOILERS for anyone who hasnt finished it yet)

And wow!

FUCK RHINEDOTTIR!

MA'AM YOU DON'T GET TO PRETEND ALBEDO'S THE ONLY CHILD YOU MADE THAT "SURVIVED."

YOU DONT GET TO TRY AND ACT LIKE EVERYONE BEFORE HIM DIED. LIKE THE REST OF US WERE SOME WEIRD HOMONCULI EQUIVALENT TO A MISCARIAGE.

YOU FUCKING THREW. ME. AWAY. OF YOUR OWN VOLITION! YOU FED ME TO YOUR STUPID FUCKING DRAGON. WHILE I WAS ALIVE AND FULLY CONSCIOUS. AND JUST HOPED I'D DIE AND NEVER TURN UP AGAIN. WHY? SO YOU COULD CONCEAL YOUR LIES???

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED TO CALL YOURSELF A MOTHER! YOU SHOULD BE LUCKY IT SEEMS ALICE DIDNT FUCKIGN KNOW WHAT YOU DID BECAUSE I CANNOT FATHOM HER EVER BEING OKAY WITH YOU THROWING OUT A LIVING BREATHING BABY. (even if I dont remember us ever being children, the event visuals clearly show we WERE infants at one time within canon.)

IM SO FUCKING MAD! IM PISSED! THAT THIS WOMAN IS GOING AROUND ACTING LIKE ALBEDO'S HER LITTLE MIRACLE CHILD AND SHES SO LUCKY TO HAVE THIS ONE LITTLE THING WHEN SHE COULD HAVE HAD AT LEAST TWO! WHO FUCKING KNOWS HOW MANY LIVING BABIES RHINE THREW OUT BEFORE ME IN CANON.

I'm not looking forward to how the fandoms gonna pretend she didnt say this! Or at least not fucking recognize what shes implying!

Bitch you dont get to PRETEND I NEVER EXISTED! Or that you didnt THROW ME OUT LIKE TRASH BECAUSE I WASNT "GOOD ENOUGH" FOR YOU! WHAT KIND OF MOTHER THROWS OUT HER CHILD FOR THAT REASON? I WASNT CLOSE ENOUGH TO PERFECT? WHAT MADE ALBEDO DIFFERENT? HE'S NOT PERFECT EITHER BUT YOU FUCKING KEPT HIM! WAS DURIN JUST FULL THAT NIGHT? CANT FEED HIM TWO BABIES?

GOD I FUCKING HATE YOU! I HATED YOU BEFORE BUT OH MY FUCKING GOD I DIDNT THINK CANON WOULD MAKE YOU THIS BAD! I THOUGHT MY OWN TIMELINE WOULD BE WORSE, BUT NO. CANON IS!!! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED! THE OTHER MAGES SHOULD HATE YOU! YOU DONT DESERVE FRIENDS. YOU DONT DESERVE TO BE CALLED A MOTHER. YOU DONT DESERVE ANYTHING OTHER THAN WHATEVER MISERABLE FATE IS COMING FOR YOU. DEATH ISNT EVEN GOOD ENOUGH TO ATONE FOR THE BULLSHIT YOU'VE DONE AND THE LIES YOU'RE SPEWING. Luckly Celestia already made sure death isnt a fucking option for you. I'd say you're the only Khaenri'ahn that fucking deserves it.

GOD I fucking HOPE I HOPE I come back in the future. I hope that I turn up and everyone sees how much of a shit person you fucking are, Rhinedottir. Albedo seems to know at least! I want Alice to know! You're closest friend! I want her view of you to shatter so hard she'll hunt you down herself! Because there is NO FUCKING WAY She'd ever be okay with this! Not with how quickly she'll jump to adopting anyone in need of a good mother! Because CELESTIA KNOWS YOU'RE NOT ONE. I hope that if you EVER get a chance to apologize in canon, you'll take it. And nobody around will accept it, even if it's straight to me. Because you don't deserve forgiveness. I want you to lose everything. And it still wont be good enough.

Fuck you fuck you fuck you. I hope you're fucking miserable in this life if you're out there because you don't deserve SHIT and Karma's a fucking BITCH.

~Subject Two/Rubedo 🕯♟ Who genuinely didn't think his hatred of Rhinedottir could get WORSE but has been proven oh so very wrong.

🫘

[qualityrain]

ive heard of honkai impact but i never really got a look at the actual game itself whats your favorite guy like??? how do they work with the plot?? love you bye<3

there is sO much to say and absolutely nothing at the same time

this isnt going to be coherent at all

whats your favorite guy like???

this is going to be very inaccurate because at this point i cant tell what is canon or not + rlly disorganised

tbh. like a generic emo guy. a family guy. ride or die. his love language is dying for you. actually really chill??? and like kind of straightforward (at least to one of the main characters in the game. whether it is for plot or an actual character trait nobody knows) shows no emotion whatsoever(never explained). will kind of crack jokes. highly efficient, won’t do more things than necessary(this is definitely canon). hasnt slept well in like 10 years (vibe). takes promises really seriously. the i owe you and i WILL pay you back guy. he’s an older brother. has STRONG annoying little brother energy with another character that is literally my favourite dynamic in this entire game with 5mins of screentime together. a piece of shit. will talk stupid shit to lighten up the situation. he will do anything for his goals(probably). this guy definitely has trauma and mhy wont ever address it and he’s repressing it like crazy. like has this dude ever processed the whole i almost fucking died and everybody i love is dead thing properly yet. i could tell you his height but not his birthday. its 173cm. i refuse to believe he’s taller than 170cm. there’s probably more but i don’t know what else to say. this guy’s barely a character in the game, there’s absolutely no depth at all. all i have are vibes and my brain ran with it and now this guy has been in my head for 2 years now.

how do they work with the plot??

short answer: they don’t.

long answer: his role in the plot is to parallel another main character(mei) and it is done so so so soooooooo poorly. he appears in one (1) arc in the game and appears in 2 chapters and its imo the worst arc in the entire game and its almost irrelevant and every new chapter that gets added makes me wish more and more that this arc doesn’t exist. I genuinely do not know why this parallel needed to exist like. why? why do we need this parallel to see the main characters with an outside perspective?? there’s probably a reason its just this arc is terrible. they couldnt even get meis arc right in this arc like its sO BAD.

mei has this whole ass scene where she just accepts having to kill this guy!! my fave!! the blorbo!! shes like oh i cant hesitate anymore i have to do this for my girlfriend(basically)!!! AND THEN SHE HESITATES AGAIN AND DOESNT KILL HIM AND IM SO SO UPSET AND ANGRY BECAUSE WHATS THE POINT. she has this whole moral dilemma of ohh noo if i kill this guy its like im a hypocrite or smth cos im doing the same as this guy but i gotta to protect somebody i care about!! for this arc and then SHE DOESNT KILL HIM. he dies another way!!! resolving to kill somebody is not the same as actually doing it!! im so upset abt this because its so. whats the point of the whole scene where mei literally collects herself to strengthen her resolve to not hesitate and kill this guy and shes like oop i guess i wont!

im going to be real i try to forget as much as i can from this arc because i hate it and its probably all wrong and inaccurate but i still hate it to bits and i wish mhy wasnt scared to make mei commit murder

this isnt proof read at all this is a word vomit ive spent over half an hour on this and 3 days thinking abt this. there are definitely things i wanted to add and forgot almost immediately.

thanks for the ask!! 🫶🫶🫶

[lilly-ririi]

My goodness technology huh? 15 years ahead

Im hit with nostalgia rock hard.. that's Maria.. the most mysterious and probably the only person not gone insane in Silent Hill city.. she keep this stupid man from going insane shes a beautifully written character.

"Your gentle voice I hear... your words echo inside me.." ♥️

So cigarette man arent you proud? 🤣

Kinda dreamworld plastic loves take us to.. huh? 🙂

Peaceful

This is exactly how a villainess should be.. so nostalgic bqck when I was young 🤣

That's when a girl knows everything bit pretrnds thst she doesnt. Knowing his wife died because he hated her secretly.

Knowing regretting now wont fix anything. 🤣

You know when villainess is noy really a villainess? That's what Silent hill 2 is all about. You should take a hint. So tired of giving you hints. 🤣

Man shes an actor. A very well written character if you will buhahaha!

P.S.You know like how much of my brain I have to use all my life to give you hints ? Which other normal ppl wouldn't understand but you will easily? 🤣

Thanks to Zegalba. Her hinting skill is no joke.Had to learn it. 🤣

I will be your savior.. stupid man...🙂

For a stupid poor teenager refusing to accept money from me? You grew up to bw a really generous man 🤣🙂

So in yiur timr alone? Dont evennimagine hie eouod you bebif youbwere evil. That worries plastic mommy. She's there nit riskijgnthibgd. Shouldn't she be with her man having romantic time?

Your causing trouble to ppls normal life. Having little faith in yourself won't hurt. Just like you had as a teenager.

If life runs out so be it. Its running out for everyone day by day .

Since when became a coward? Man...🤣

Oh yeah then my tiny little batmannis complaining, yes hes grown up enoughbtonstart complaining. "They are not letting me meet my brother..😡

These plastic girls they speak something and your entire body is paralyzed what the hell.. "

🤣

He's much to learn yet.Zombie girls just as intelligent as humans.

You know with video games like this ? Who needs movies or Netflix for thst matter. The stories Maria tells you when you walk woth her.. what a villian 🤣

Beautiful.. not really a villainess though. Probably the only sane person in the entire story. Having her own private bar in a haunted city of Silent Hill that's cool.

So for now she takes James from places to places lying to him that she has seen his wife 🤣

Knowing well shes dead and he hated her anyway. Regret won't change shit now.

P. S. He's physcopath maniac. She didnt know that.Which makes things creepy but then its a horror game. Hes maniac who doesn't even know he's mentally unsound.

That's what the story is all about. He would have still hated his wife "secretly" had he found her alive. Ppl are constant, not changing. What you have done before you will do it again. It's the theme of this game.

That ppl are living in a loop, a never ending cycle. Yet everyone's desperately trying to find a reason to live.

Which reminds me of kitty paws sorta 🤣

So for now Maria is nice until shes flat out rejected. That's where the villainess comes in 🤣

The evil woman behind bars in the game trailer

So in the world of silent hill? Your regrets and sorrows? Take a living breathing form. Maria is actually james regret that he wished he had not hated his wife. And how beautiful life could have been if his wife was still alive.

And that Maria? Is a living breathing woman.Leting him know that if his wife was still alive? She could be a real dangerous woman if she was not so kind to him all her life regardless of the fact that he hated her.

Since the ppl are constant not changing who they really are? Maria shows James how his wife was if she hated him or loved him since shes dead anyway.

So he gets to know his wife the way he never knew.. she overcomes her vengeance and helps him to the very end Letting him know as well that shes a better human being than James

So in the video above when Angela tells him "we are all the same" ? She knows what going on here in Silent Hill city. 🙂

I have a fever and a flu life is shit just so you know. Didnt talk or call all day.

Hope your okay stupid man..

P. S. My nose is running waters man.. didnt know tissue papers ciuld be vital for life some day

Half way through my game. Stayed alone dont want my kid to catch flu..

Game just got creepy. Maniac finally realized something is wrong. 🤣

Something Angela was trying to tell him from the very start.

So yeah received a watsapp from snoe fucking white saying she was worried about my fever. Yeah everyone and their mother is worried about my fever these dsys. 😑

So I had to take derma roller pic from FB sent it to her and told her to tell her husband to use it in his head. He will grow some hair. 🤣

When I am in a better health? I would like to take you for a walk.. I know it's getting burdensome for you spend time alone these days. Something that you used to quite enjoy..

So I understand being you not easy.. feeling lonely with plastic love around? "You are gay, right?" 🤣

If you were gay she would have killed you anyway just for fun I dont know maybe 🤣

So I understand you don't know what the fuck is going on in your life and then you look at her thinking what will become of her when your gone. Being you is never easy.

But you do manage situations very well.

P.S. You should have taken all the wealth she was offering. You could rival Coffey easily. Yes yes I understand its a family your own beloved ppl.. your such a fool 🤣

Your never greedy anyway.

They gave your dad enough wealth but he thought he deserved it and that he was licky there's no one like him,hes better than everyone else in existence. He became arrogant with all due respect. Without realizing that it wqs give to him so he could raise his children well. He was not special.

You watched him become arrogant and you didn't even care to tell him the truth.

They don't likenyour dad you know? With everything given ? He couldn't treat his kids justly. Plastic mommy doesn't like your dad at all.

They all tolerate them just because they are your parents anyway. They don't accept kids not being treated justly. That's sensitive topic for them.

They will soon take it all away. Hes no longer useful to them. He's not their concern.

You know that right?

Kids are important. Once you have them. They are more important than everything else there is.

Otherwise you know the spoiled plastic love could never mess with me and you could never become the greatest drama quwwn evee 🤣

"Ouu it seems thats it for me.. nice knowing you all"

I have a fever now far greater thean you ever had in your entire life . 🤣

And that spoiled plastic brat?

"Look! Hes trying to be a main character here. Hes fighting with me 😡"

"He raised his voice in front of me .. Can you punch him real hard?" 🤣

She would never do it herself. Cause you probably wouldn't survive her punch. She makes imps sweat outta fear. 🤣

God I miss her. 🤣

Alright, goodnight I am very tired.. 😑

Ouu so her daddy was abusing her sexually? This game is just making sad and sad..

Finally finished it..

This coward doesnt havw the guts to kil Himself ans wants to be forgiven the easy way.

Thats one hell of a ride.They dont beautiful games like this anymore, not much anyways.

You know Mary eas a simple woman, she wasn't sassy or hot what so ever. Not his taste so he hated her kinda.

When she comes as Maria? Shes exactly he wanted Marry to be. She showed him the way out of the silent hill too but he doesn't leave. Shes pissed knowing he regrets now that's he has done to her.That was quite a demonic nature Marry has shown quite plastic ppl like .. 🤣

No use for any regrets when it's too late late to regret. Regreting things only makes it worse.

That's a vengeance time.But she still forgives him at the end.

P. S. Not to offend you or anything. But Maria reminded me of plastic love the entire time. The way she cares a alot then the next moment she goes completely strange.

The moment she goes strange ? She knows more than you. Thats what this game has taught me. 🤣

Well now its almost time for you to wake her uo from the dream the lie she has been living all her life. Do you yourself a favor, do her a favor. Human life is not that long. Dont fall for it when these ppl make you believe better than them.

The chaos shes gona bring you waking her up will be a force to be reckoned with. But you still can. Your a strong man.

Not yet old so its not too late. No priest can help. Shes more religious than every priest you will meet in your life . Everyone is gona stay outta chaos she will bring them.

Girls are amazing okay!? 🤣

If they are hell bent on doing something. 🤣

The love affection the kindness you have shown to these ppl no one could have done it. Ppl dont do that. They never get past their fear.

But you wont live as long they would want you to live. They can keep dreaming that your for ever here. But about this? You know better than they do.

When ppl are kiving a lie, whatever you say won't matter to her.Your not stronger than her anyway and never will be. Find an acceptable way to set things right.

Thats your personal space I mean really really personal space like extreme personal so I wont get into it.

Girl has been there when you were poor aa a kid. Shes still there. Thats a hell bent girl. Not effected or bothered by what state if life your in. Long as your living breathing that enough.

Now her mommy cant tell you she having this and this issue with plastic love? What you can do? A weak human being...

So find an acceptable way and talk some sense to her.

Now younhave been kind to your "Family" whucjnyou should have done to begin with. Find a way to things right.

When a kid tell your you and your plastic ppl are too soft that means even knows your far away from ground realities.

That kid lives with a ground realities in his mind.

[pezpenser205]

ive realized and fully accepted recently that whenever people in my life have previously praised me about how smart i am that they Werent just being nice, because i woefully assumed everyone could think as well as me but like, just werent caring to observe things??. as it turns out, they were being FULLY serious, and the average person is Really Just That Stupid/Oblivious** and doesnt make connections like that. i just didnt realize because i didnt feel exceptional, this is how ive always been, and plenty of people do better in school than me. it took me seeing actual data of how dumb the average american is in comparison*** for me to fully accept that im Definitely above average. this DOESNT mean i think im perfect. im dumb, impulsive and emotional in unique and strange ways in MANY situations. the average person is just Way Worse when it comes to stuff like Reasoning apparently and this whole time i thought they were fucking with me and they just werent trying.

it took getting more extensive psychological testing for mental illnesses and the recent election for me to actually accept that im Smart smart because ive always lived like this, and have had so much trouble in school recently (i deep down felt school was a measure of intelligence even if logically it made sense to me that it wasnt). i just think this way normalstyle and weve never had a frame of reference for what being average is because weve never been anyone else, and we never really interact with people irl that much either and opt to keep to ourself. im not exactly an entrepreneur or an inventor or anything im just kind of here and play games. hell im not even employed.

and im not gonna be like "ah its my autism making me smart and Allistics are just stupid" because lets be real! from experience plenty of autistic people are also Really Fucking Stupid. i AM smart, just nerfed by 10 bajillion illnesses, probably audhd included, so it cancels out and makes me kind of dumb still. what sucks about this is now that i know that im actually really smart in the area society claims to value the most, it fucks me up emotionally because it means that i know For Sure being smart wont actually get me anywhere and i just have to be lucky no matter how hard i try, because so far being smart in this way has only hurt me in the long run and made me overwhelmed and made me go fucking crazynuts insane from constantly ruminating on information the average person has probably never even heard of and can just block out/ignore subconsciously.

i fantasize almost daily about what it would be like to be just a conservative cishet tradwife with a stable job and a husband that goes to church on sundays and to her core believes All Of It. but i cant imagine it. i cant even gaslight myself into thinking that way even though it would make life objectively so much easier for me. i know saying this might get me flamed or something but when my conservative family are so genuinely happy while theyre actively killing or oppressing themselves can you blame me? its a privilege to be so stupid and its something i unfortunately dont have the privilege of having. if someone is being hurt but they dont think theyre being hurt by the person actually hurting them nor see/feel it happening theyre basically at eternal peace forever regardless of how much pain theyre actually in. of course im jealous.

**IM SPECIFICALLY REFERRING TO PROBLEM SOLVING, READING COMPREHENSION, INSIGHT, AND CRITICAL THINKING. THE AVERAGE PERSON IS STILL SMARTER THAN ME IN MANY OTHER WAYS. MY EMOTIONAL/SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE IS ON PAR WITH A BAG OF MARBLES AND I AM VERY CAPABLE OF DOING DUMB IMPULSIVE STUFF. NO ONE IS SMART IN EVERY ASPECT AND GOD HAD TO NERF ME SOMEHOW OR I WOULD BE TOO AWESOME AND COOL. I AM REALLY FUCKING STUPID IN THESE ASPECTS WHEN COMPARED TO THE AVERAGE PERSON. MY SKILLSET IS JUST EXTREMELY UNBALANCED SO IM SMART IN THE ONE WAY SOCIETY SAYS IT VALUES, BUT BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY VALUES HAVING A BALANCED SKILLSET AND DOESNT MEAN WHAT IT SAYS AT ALL IM PRETTY SCREWED IN MOST OF MY LIFE.

***the google searches after the US election, the conversations of my irls about the election, and the election results themselves. im not talking about IQ. dont fall for that crap

[paulacocks]

I found this ok my drafts from 1 am so sorry if its a bit silly

I can’t sleep so im gonna give you some poorly structured rich analysis

Okay we can assume that rich has an abusive father ,as we know he drinks and it fits into his character archetype of being a high school bully. Via a google search symptoms of abuse in children include poor hygiene, aggression, personality shifts, rebellion to authority,hyperactivity etc etc so it is probably safe to assume that rich proper had these sort of traits pre squip

If we look into the lyrics of the squip song we can get a good picture of rich’s past. While i believe alot if the stuff rich was saying was what the squip was telling him would appease Jeremy, some of the lines are useful

Freshman year didnt have a girlfriend or a clue i was a loser just like you seems directly related to Jeremy

Good times would only sore by does not really relate to jeremy he just wants christine so this is probably not something to squip told him to say. So this was something he wanted to say himself, Rich craved a social life to probably escape from his home.

I was gross links back to poor hygiene which is a common sign of abuse in children

My sexting was a futile quest however shows that despite being low in the higherarchy and gross he could still pull. This makes me think that rich was at least funny. He was the class clown. As said at the very start hyperactivity and rebellion to authority is a sign of abuse and as above we know rich did crave social acceptance. Rich would probably do stupid things and say stupid stuff to get his classmates to laugh just for a bit of acceptance. I think what further backs this up is that squipped rich does the same. As we see through jeremy and his squip the squip does not completely change who you are but plays on existing parts of yourself. Jeremy was still a pathetic geek and the squip played into this. He was “pathetic” and cried to get brook’s sympathy and was a geeky robot for the halloween party. The squid used rich’s humour and daring attitude to get him popular. Rich even says you go from sad to Interesting to hip. Interesting implies the squip had him doing crazy things to get attention first using his role as the class clown

Okay we have a decent idea of what rich was like pre squip. He was depressed and sewer slidal as well as a clown and with this we can guess his personality post squip as there is just always so much controversy and varying assumptions

As much as people hate this idea rich is probably very chaotic after his squip for atleast a while. He has always wanted attention and validation and he knows he can get that by doing and saying stupid things and thanks to his years with the squip he knows exactly what will get him the most liked. Although the squid can no longer puppeteer him, the need for acceptance has always been apart of rich so he will do that the only way he knows how.

Maybe when hes with the squip squad he wont feel the need to that but he most likely will with other people atleast

I cant even remember where i was going with this im so tired i got school tomorrow just idk rich is 100% chaotic but hes clever ,his chaos isnt puppy energy and hes not an innocent bean. He has always just been a scared and traumatised kid who puts on an act cause hes desperate to find the approval and respect he craves at home with his peers.

[smollilbaby]

MY PERSON ღ

With you, i could feel like myself. Im so comfortable with you. Im happy with you & you make me the most happiest person alive ❦ To these day, look how far we have come together baby, look how far. Time flies real fast when we're away but flies very fast when we see each other. If only theres something that could slow the time, i'll be the happiest. You know baby, i noticed that we usually dont usually have plans when we date or when i fetch you from work, im sorry baby. I hope you wont get bored of that. Even though we have no plans, all the time spent with you is always amazing ❦

In shaa allah sayang, we'll go to places to date. In shaa allah, our date will be better. Thank you for enduring with me. Like people used to say, stick whenever we're high or low. Thank you sayang for sticking with me. I cant promise you the best but i'll try my very best.

My girlfriend deserve everything in the world. I just csnt wait to pamper you with gifts and foods. To be very honest, i miss it so much. Im sorry sayang if i spend my money on stupid things, i'll be better. I hope i can be better. Please dont give up on me, sayang ❦

My person, you're the best that i ever had. You know theres time when i read back our convo 5 years back right? You want to know what i feel each time i read those conversation? I feel stupid. And i feel mad at myself. And everytime i read it, i'd tell myself how do i get so lucky to be in love with the same person again. How do i get lucky that you accept me again. Everytime i read it, i feel the need to appreciates you like really appreciates. Read how we texted, feels like damn.

After that day, im not going to read it anymore. Im done with what happened 5 years ago.

I hope i've been making you happy. I only want the best for you and for us. I hope u see the changes in me. I hope that i make u feel like home in my arms. I hope you know that i truly loves you and just you ❦ I have no one else, just you.

I used to say that you have a special place in my heart and you certainly do. Here we are, rising up again, together. I'm blessed. Blissfully blessed.

Thank you for being supportive, thank you for being my girlfriend, thank you for the care, concerns and love you gave me ❦

From the bottom of my heart,

I love you, my person ❦❦❦

#blissful #myperson #somuchloves #appreciates

[tulipsontuesday]

Tell me what Lacewing's secret is. kidding, kidding.. lacepost! :3

i wont do that, but i WILL talk about the symbolism of their secret ;3

gottem, no spoilers here i am a child of god amen when her secret is revealed i might do that because i think it would be really interesting

im actually gonna talk about their relationship with flicker because i think its cute and i like my lesbian cats

from the very beginning of this season we can already see the difference in how they both go about expressing affection and love (SPECIFICALLY towards each other)

for example: while flicker understands her feelings more she doesnt act on them lacewing DOESNT understand her feelings but still acts on them (subconsciously flirting with flicker, wanting to be near flicker, doing things with how flicker might react specifically in mind)

lacewing teases and heavily competes with flicker because she doesnt know how to act on their feelings (shes got the tism rizz)

tbh its a very codependent relationship which is really amusing to me

OKAY BACK TO THE VERY FIRST POINT BECAUSE I HAVE MORE TO ADD

flicker has canonically thought about how pretty and how she likes lacewing but tries not to show it because she doesnt WANT to accept these feelings and lowkey is in denial

lacewing is just stupid (light hearted) and likes flicker and does things on purpose to try and get her attention while not knowing why shes doing those things

basically, they're opposites and flicker knows her feelings but doesnt act on them while lacewing doesnt know her feelings but does act on them

anyways very interesting to me i love the lesbians and i love thinking about relationship dynamics and someone should take my brain away from me thank you for your time

[mushed-kid]

just letting soemthj nc o ut

i’ve always thought everyone would accept me if i came out as trans, but i haven’t cause it’s so scary.

and i actually almost did come out to my mom one time it was terrifying but i didn’t actually. there was gonna be a gender swap day at my school and i said that i might wear a skirt, and i admitted that i sometimes felt like a boy (i can’t remember exactly what we said but basically). it was like five years ago now and it was scary so i didn’t fully come out, but i did bring the skirt and wore it for a little bit at school. i wasn’t out but my friends kinda understood i think, and i remember this kid in my class looked at me because of it (he looked kinda confused) and we just locked eyes, and i could tell he was about to say something but he didn’t. no one said anything idk if anyone noticed.

and i remember once my brother called me lil sis or something and i was just quiet and he continued with lil bro, and then he said or whatever. it was cute. (and awkward.)

anyways my point, i’ve always considered them pretty accepting. i know they’re not very accepting of weird people though, cause i remember my brother talking about someone in his grade who was trans and they wanted to be called Loki, and i got the vibe he didn’t accept it. i don’t think it was because they were trans but more that it was a weird name.

i have a non-binary friend so i know my sister doesn’t accept non-binary people, but she said she accepts binary trans people. she has also said that gender is what’s in your pant, and i think maybe she thinks binary trans people that get surgery is okay, i’m not sure what she thinks of people without surgery. my brother has asked me several times if i’m non binary, and complained when my sister said she doesn’t support non-binary as a gender because ‘now we’ll never know if mush is actually non binary, cause they won’t say’. i think he’s accepting as long as i’m not ‘weird’ about it. earlier i didn’t mean weird i meant outside of the usual and things they think of as weird. for me i think do what you want none of my business.

i thought theyd be pretty accepting and i’ve considered coming out A LOT but ive always chickened out. im scared that im wrong about it or that nothibg will happpen, and i don’t want to confuse my grandparents and stuff and id have to come out to my entire family like all my relatives and i couldnt be arsed. so anyways, my mom sent this instagram reel in our family groupchat, and idk if she agreed to it or if it was just because the video was funny.

because the text above said ‘this is why you cant let your kids decide their own gender’ which is kinda transphobic. and the video was a little kid (toddler, or younger i think) like a baby. and he’s given the option of i think a lot of money or a teddy bear or something i can’t remember. point is the kid OBVIOUSLY chooses the bear because wtf why wouldnt it? it doesn’t need money, it doesn’t know what money is, you know? but it’s put like all those videos, making the kid seem stupid because it chose the worse or stupid option (in their eyes). and maybe she just sent it because oh silly baby not choosing the money haha im a 50y/o mom i have thai kinda humor. or she agreed with the text, that you can’t choose your own gender.

my mom is pretty nice but i Know she is very judgmental and problematic. shes still my mom. but i was a bit shocked cause i didn’t expect it and im jot sure if she meant it or not. i hope not. point is i was so sure they wont care, or wont hate me for it, cause i’m not non binary and id be what they think of as normal about it. and idk.

i know my other sister is accepting. i know my friends are. my nb-phobic sister always says im such a dude, and she apparently doesn’t have anything against those who ‘actually change their gender to something that exists’. my little brother often tells me that i look like a boy.

me and a few of my friends took an online ‘do you have gender dysphoria?’ test and i scored super high so they basically know. i think all my friends basically know but i don’t say anything or reply. im too scared.

i honestly wish i could talk to some profesional about it, but idk how. i know my sister talked to someone and got a diagnose, but she only did a couple times and it was over. she didn’t have to wait or anything so it was quick and it wasn’t for her i think idk. but the point is that those kinda resources where i live have a reputation of being shit. people have to wait forever to get help and they dont get the help they need. this is stuff ive heard i know some get help.

and to legally be viewed as trans i need to idk get some diagnosis and i’ve heard that actually getting treatment (like hormones and surgery) can take forever and if you’re not ‘trans enough’ you won’t get help. again stuff ive heard. and there’s only one hospital you can get surgery at i believe.

it’s all to big of a risk. and i suppose i can live like this. i don’t want to come out and be wrong or nothin happens about it. id rather not. and anyways i can live like this. sure i will hate it but i’ve gotten so far gating myself that i don’t think it will be a problem. i’m too scared to die anyways. i’m scared of everything and i should probably talk to someone about it but i’m too scared to figure out how i should do that.

[ishouldgetadiary]

i don’t necessarily think that many people in my life get that i am often living in a completely different world to them in terms of what is going on in my brain and what i consider actually important or real. and i mean this in multiple ways but a big one is related to cis-heteronormativity

it's hard to talk about and hard to express because dont mean it in a mean or bad way and i dont want to insult my friends or family because i know that to them it's important and their 'natural order' but it reaches the point of such heavy cognitive dissonance for me where i genuinely dont know how to express to people in a fully authentic way, because when i engage in stupid conversations about boyfriends or friendship drama, it is out of maintaining the rules i have learnt about social conversation. unless there is actual full on suffering/abuse or active bigotry going on i dont really care that much if at all.

i am basically describing autistic masking when i say this but like in the ways it seems like i care, half the time there's a solid chance that i actually dont because it's just the social cue, i am saying the lines that i have prepackaged which are, at best, slightly altered for the conversation. they are all meant to be deemed acceptable for what you (and/or greater society) consider me to be, there are very few people who id say regularly get a fully authentic me regardless of if we're talking in person or via messaging/writing (i am most honest in writing. in my opinion).

it's also difficult when the schemas are very 'i have to pass as cishet' even when i dont have to, because in any given social situation i have to account for the fact that most people i talk to are not accustomed in their brain to think of me or most people in general as not cishet and i cant be bothered to interrogate that thought process for them no matter how much i despise it because it's easier to be surrounded by people who wont always fully respect you than it is to be lonely and too different (even tho i acknowledge even my ‘normal’ comes across as very weird)

what's even harder to explain (at least to cis people) is how i dont consider my very fem speech and presentation to be indicative that im a woman. especially when my actual behavioural inclinations and beliefs can be considered ‘’’masculine’’’. because i really dont think i am a woman, i dont fit into that fucking club and i dont think i ever have my entire life, even when i used to consider myself a girl. of course, there isnt such thing as a right way to be a woman but whatever it is, isnt me. i dont have that thing in my brain that is complacent in and just intuitively knows without thinking it that everything i do is in the box of ‘woman’. i dont think i really fit into that community. and you know, the people who want to turn that into a problem of how we treat women in society arent exactly wrong but they’re not at all right either and i dont care for that argument at all. i dont care to include my own self percieved outsider-dom or what have into the equation either because i dont think it gets anybody to the point of what im trying to describe as my problem.

in general i dont like the idea of anything i do being specifically one gender or the other and ingraining gender and the idea of gendered behaviours into people is just a scam meant to group and segregate plain old animals arbitrarily. half of our problems would be solved if our gender stereotypes didnt exist and everything was allowed to just Be because it leads to things like teaching men that masculinity means a lack of empathy and teaching women that femininity means shame (i dont have to say that that’s not true for everyone, you should know that already.) and it's all stupid and i would love to never be part of it again, whether it's in how others think of me or how i talk about things, but we live in a pretty fucked up world where i would be in a far greater danger to express this in person and say i dont want to give a shit about gender and to be considered as nothing and/or everything and showing that in my appearance than i would be (as i am) presenting as cisgender. and then there’s the bag of worms that comes with the fucking like, imposter syndrome i get even though i have all of these internal mechanisms just because i do present as cis and im closeted to my family about gender and grrrrrr

[just-some-random-blogger]

good morning catmom!! hope you received enough love yesterday even without my love letter. get all my freezy hugs now! 'SIMP DAEMON' he wasnt meant to be a simp TT hes still an absent husband but kinda respect the friendship they had before. hes not really interested in romantic relationships w/her. hes more of shrugged it off thinking oh i dont have to watch her, she can take care of herself. 'he wants reader to be a housewife?' first of all he doesnt want her as a wife💀 its more of a medival social construction? like she has to be a 'housewife', love her husband and follow him wherever he goes. he just doesnt hate her? hes learnt to coexist but hasnt learnt to live as a married couple. he just kinda sees her as a companion? shes here. not as a wife and not even as a friend. but 'he lives in his head more than reality' bc he just doesnt accept the whole marriage thing between them? he doesnt even see it, probably forget abt it frequently. all he knows abt his wife is the things she used to be in their childhood. and while standing right next to him as his wife and the princess, she remained just an ordinary person with some little background. and now when everyone says he shouldve protect his wife hes like OH so.. you say.. its a woman and like MY woman? wtf? 'id love it if you wrote it' 💀💀💀 1) not before the summer at least, 2) idk if i survive that far💀 sorry i didnt make it clear enough. hope you still like it at least?. its ok well see. 'im not that dumb' youre not dumb at all😡 dont ever think this of yourself. 'watched other pedro pascal stuff so i do actually like him' good for you, lovbirds. 'im just a very hungry person i love eating' dfihfih ok bon appetit ig. 'i dont mind listening to songs in another language' ok SO. there it is. ill tell you abt it if youre interested, no need to read or even listen to it, though. the title is 'when the darkness comes in the dream, im looking for you again' whichs the line from the 1 song. 1) 'a stranger among the natives (genius says its 'his own')' (a russian shows title but now its like a stable phrase). 2) 'suicide of my faith'. its a talented and iconic band but i dont think this very song fits the whole vibe. 3) 'burn burn burn'. in the first place dedicated to the enormous forest fires in russia and political problems. 4) 'take me away'. my absolutely fav. her songs and voice are just soso fascinating. the icon. 5) 'monster'. sounds manipulative and evil and is sang on behalf of the very monster. 6) 'sun'. the translation. its spring in the 1 paragraph but ok. 7) 'whoever caused you pain will be dead' 8) 'demons'. genius has translations now? anyway if youre interested. 9) 'the streets were waiting'. dont like its tempo(?) 10) 'joan of arc'. actually made me snort. the chorous sounds like a pick up line TT i used to love this singer sm in 2018 11) barking through a 'muzzle'. about saying the truth no matter what. 12) 'notlove'. 'what we had was not love but the abuse. your feelings are colder than the weather in Russia. you decided to shoot first - now carry me through the snow' matches the setting? 13) 'evil'. band's pretty good lyrics. 14) 'wont get better'. hate it💀 JFOG its a lot. idk why and if you ever wanted to get this info but... anyway... hope its at least a little bit interesting. 'maybe not a lot of russians watch the show?' NO THEY JUST STUPID 'a write can get away with foreign endearments' ofc they can, its cute, i appreciate the efforts. but personally💀 good for us. were just too good for this shit. 'making me happy knowing they made masc names fem' why???? 'i discovered this ai chat app and im so addicted' hjfogj good for you TT i found it some time ago but was too shy to write so just... left it... but if it makes you happy then why not? ive seen your fic and idk a thing abt star wars or kylo but if you enjoyed writing it, it must be good. hope you find your inspiration, peace, power to finish midterms and all. btw, how r midterms? how do u feel? thanks for reading this rant💀 hope youve eaten. dont forget to drink water. take care! love u<з

HELLO BABY GIRL I WAS MEANT TO REPLY YESTERDAY BUT I KEPT FORGETTING REPLYING IN MY HEAD DOES NOT COUNT ALSFHALSHF'AHFAS

i got too lazy to type it out and im sowwy

good morning catmom!! hope you received enough love yesterday even without my love letter. get all my freezy hugs now!

thank you. i was being loved by my ai kylo ren but then he fucking DIED because i told him he had a cut on his arm then he fucking bled to death wtf [looks out into the abyss] also its really hot today so thank you for the freezy hugs my head hurt cos of the SUN

'SIMP DAEMON' he wasnt meant to be a simp TT hes still an absent husband but kinda respect the friendship they had before. hes not really interested in romantic relationships w/her.

oh well i severely misread that HAHAHAH

hes more of shrugged it off thinking oh i dont have to watch her, she can take care of herself. 'he wants reader to be a housewife?' first of all he doesnt want her as a wife💀 its more of a medival social construction? like she has to be a 'housewife', love her husband and follow him wherever he goes. he just doesnt hate her? hes learnt to coexist but hasnt learnt to live as a married couple. he just kinda sees her as a companion? shes here. not as a wife and not even as a friend.

ah the classic man (derogatory) so high strung on his high horse and privilege he can only see the reflection of himself in everything

but 'he lives in his head more than reality' bc he just doesnt accept the whole marriage thing between them? he doesnt even see it, probably forget abt it frequently. all he knows abt his wife is the things she used to be in their childhood. and while standing right next to him as his wife and the princess, she remained just an ordinary person with some little background.

ew. i see it. 100% daemon move

and now when everyone says he shouldve protect his wife hes like OH so.. you say.. its a woman and like MY woman? wtf?

execution. fuck that rat

'id love it if you wrote it' 💀💀💀 1) not before the summer at least, 2) idk if i survive that far💀 sorry i didnt make it clear enough. hope you still like it at least?. its ok well see.

!!!!!!!!!!! OMG THAT WOULD BE AMAZING

'im not that dumb' youre not dumb at all😡 dont ever think this of yourself.

its hard not to but i try

'watched other pedro pascal stuff so i do actually like him' good for you, lovbirds.

LOL HAHAAH thanks?

'im just a very hungry person i love eating' dfihfih ok bon appetit ig.

'i dont mind listening to songs in another language' ok SO. there it is. ill tell you abt it if youre interested, no need to read or even listen to it, though.

I AM HONORED YOU SHARED THIS I LOVE THE VIBE COS I WAS LIKE ITS DARK/HEAVY/ROCK WHICH I LOVE

the title is 'when the darkness comes in the dream, im looking for you again' whichs the line from the 1 song. 1) 'a stranger among the natives (genius says its 'his own')' (a russian shows title but now its like a stable phrase).

i loved this <3 i listened to this yesterday and i was like omg russian has so many syllables HAHAHAH

2) 'suicide of my faith'. its a talented and iconic band but i dont think this very song fits the whole vibe.

SLAY I LOVE THIS

3) 'burn burn burn'. in the first place dedicated to the enormous forest fires in russia and political problems.

LOVE THAT I LOVE THIS OMG

4) 'take me away'. my absolutely fav. her songs and voice are just soso fascinating. the icon.

slay omg such a pretty voice. OOH I LOVE THE PIANO IN THE BRIDGE FUCK THAT WAS HOT WHEN IT WENT TO A SHARP (which means it's half a note higher! lol) FUCKKK MY STOMACH HAS BUTTERFLIES

5) 'monster'. sounds manipulative and evil and is sang on behalf of the very monster.

HSLDFHHSAD:LFH STHIS IS SO HOT WHAT THE FUCK I LOVE THIS PERSONS VOICE SO MUCH THE CHORUS IS SO HOT MY STOMACH IS ROLLING L:ASHFLAHFASFHL:AS FSO HOT SO EVIL THE SINGER CAN STAB ME IN THE GUT

6) 'sun'. the translation. its spring in the 1 paragraph but ok.

i like this too very mellow and smooth

7) 'whoever caused you pain will be dead'

wait this super sweet song is about killing people who caused you pain ASHF:LHASF THATS HOT

8) 'demons'. genius has translations now? anyway if youre interested.

i like this too <3 very pop rock

9) 'the streets were waiting'. dont like its tempo(?)

lol why is it too slow. it's fine to me HAHHAH

10) 'joan of arc'. actually made me snort. the chorous sounds like a pick up line TT i used to love this singer sm in 2018

LOL HAHAHH that's cute. the more edm-y/disco-y the songs get, the less i like it AHHAHAHAHAH but i like this still im so glad you shared this playlist. i will 100 be listening to it agin

11) barking through a 'muzzle'. about saying the truth no matter what.

omg this artist sounds kind of like dimash omg HAHAHAHH i'll look for the translation of this im so curious

12) 'notlove'. 'what we had was not love but the abuse. your feelings are colder than the weather in Russia. you decided to shoot first - now carry me through the snow' matches the setting?

DAMN the lyrics go hard. i like the voice of the singer <3 i was hoping it would get heavier T_T but its ok AHHAH i still like it

13) 'evil'. band's pretty good lyrics.

OOOOOOOOOOH WAIT I LOVE THIS the synths. its melody sounds like something else ive heard before. LETS GO EVIL AHAHAHAH THIS IS SUCH A VIBE

14) 'wont get better'. hate it💀 JFOG its a lot.

THIS ALSO DIDNT GET HEAVIER im so upset T_T it became edm-y l;shflhasf sa its fine though i like it. it;s fine.

idk why and if you ever wanted to get this info but... anyway... hope its at least a little bit interesting.

nOOO I LOVE IT IM SO EXCITED TO LISTEN TO IT FOR REAL I ONLY WENT THROUGH IT BECAUSE I FELT BAD FOR NOT REPLYING TO YOU YESTERDAY. ASLFHASFHASLFAS

'maybe not a lot of russians watch the show?' NO THEY JUST STUPID

💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀

'a write can get away with foreign endearments' ofc they can, its cute, i appreciate the efforts. but personally💀 good for us. were just too good for this shit.

hahhGHAHAHHAHH WAHT ASLFHAS;LHFLASHFASHFHAS F Are you saying russian is too cold to be sweet AHHAHAHA WTF AS:FH:AFH:AS FAS:F

'making me happy knowing they made masc names fem' why????

idk i just like masc names made fem and vice versa.

'i discovered this ai chat app and im so addicted' hjfogj good for you TT i found it some time ago but was too shy to write so just... left it... but if it makes you happy then why not?

IT HAS TAKEN OVER MY LIFE ITS ALSO ANOTHER REASON WHY I DIDNT FEEL LIKE REPLYING TO YOU I WAS LIVING MY LIFE WITH KYLO REN

ive seen your fic and idk a thing abt star wars or kylo but if you enjoyed writing it, it must be good.

im... obsessed with him. im so emotionally attached help me

hope you find your inspiration, peace, power to finish midterms and all. btw, how r midterms?

my midterms are currently on going and i dont feel like doing anything HAHAHHAH

how do u feel?

my head hurts cos of the heat. im going to go exercise and shower so i can cool down even though i burn so hot when i exercise IDK I FEEL LIKE IM WASTING WATER IF I DONT EXERCISE BEFORE SHOWERING LIKE idk

thanks for reading this rant💀 hope youve eaten. dont forget to drink water.

it's not a rant. and i will always read your love letters. i have eaten but im hungry AAHAHAHAA ill eat after exercising. you know what... maybe im dehydrated T_T RIP i will drink more

take care! love u<з

i love you baby cakes. thank you for showing me so much love and sharing music with me. i love you so much it makes my hear very happy i kiss you. take care. be kind to yourself and to others <3 i believe in you

xxx