#at least i try my best to put some autistic stuff in there

[librarycards]

do you have any advice for trying to build/find a community? i’m autistic with pretty severe social anxiety and haven’t had friends since grade 5 (i’m 29 now). i don’t work atm and didn’t go to college due to ‘mental illness’ or whatever. i’m really clueless about how to find a support system or even make a friend but it sure would be beneficial right now i think

sure! a great way to start is to get on some of your local facebook pages, or even nextdoor - it can be a shitty place for neighborhood karens, but at least my local page has people talking about free stuff they're leaving on the curb, someone whose grandma needs a ride, a bake sale at the school, and even meetups dependent on age/interest/etc.

some more ideas, starting w the obligatory: GO TO THE LIBRARY! they have so much centralized info there. there is probably a book club, there is probably some kind of volunteer sign-up sheet. there are probably bored librarians who can help you find other stuff. at least in my area, there are also fairly regular non-university-affiliated things (i live in a college town) at local bars, cafes, and art spaces/studios - check to see if there are any local IG pages posting about these events. that's how i found out about a bunch of mine. libraries have events, too, as do local bookstores, and they're almost always free.

the suggestions i'm throwing out all have basically the same goal: mix with people you haven't met before. building bonds takes time, and the process only starts when you and someone else say hello to one another. you don't have to be besties ever. you don't necessarily have to stay close. but knowing one person who maybe likes the same book as you, or shares some other interest, leads to more people, and soon you know someone who has a car, someone who has an extra ironing board, someone who can host a get-together in their yard because everyone else is a renter. support systems aren't found. they're not easy or inevitable. they're built through collective engagement and practice! and they start, generally, by happenstance, when people put themselves in each others' way.

when i moved here alone in 2020, i met some of my now-closest friends not primarily through grad school events (which didn't happen bc of lockdowns and such) but through going to the park and saying hi outdoors; stocking food in our local free fridges, and meeting tinder-friend dates masked, 6 ft apart in random public places. we kept doing that and our relationships strengthened, as they do. these days, i meet people through the friends i have - through shared classes back when i was in coursework, through organizing/union stuff and volunteering, through the occasional social event i just kinda show up at and hope for the best. there's a degree of inertia to this stuff - it gets smoother the more you do it!

you are *NOT* the only person around you who needs a friend. i promise. people are really lonely and often scared to admit it, and this is a great time to connect with people who also feel the urgency of community + anxiety around making it happen.

[dr-spectre]

WE DID IT!!!!!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE!!!!! This is such a big milestone. Halfway until 1000 followers... that's absolutely insane!!

This will be the last follower update until we reach 1000. But, I wanna share something special with you all and get rather personal...

So, about a year ago, I wanted to learn how to draw because I was feeling depressed about "not being productive enough." Basically I got sucked into the bullshit productivity self help stuff that wants to turn your life into a cold calculated work obsessed nightmare, rather than living in the moment due to fear mongering about the future and how "if you don't grind now you WILL be a failure and die alone and get no pussy." (No wonder I picked Team Present for the Grand Fest...)

Plus I dropped out of uni at the time and welp, to put it lightly, I was feeling fucking god awful and I was scared into basically "putting in the hard work" by all these self help channels and other bullshit online. Whatever the FUCK that vague shit means, my autistic brain still doesn't get it.

It was BY FAR the worst period of my life, but, at least I tried to do SOMETHING. And I wanna show you all some of the things that I drew last year....

This was between October 2023 to February 2024. I stopped drawing due to it causing me much frustration and anger.

So yeah! Uh... enjoy?

So.... not the best work you've seen, right? HAHAHAHAHA!

Would you freak out if I told you that I got upset and damaged a book and a fan because I got so mad at myself over not being able to draw or do anything right?...

I feel like this ain't for me, and you know what? That's okay! I've learnt that it's okay to try new things, it's okay to experiment and if shit doesn't work then it doesn't work. Plain and simple. It's perfectly fine to give up and try something else.

You are not a robot, you are a human being. Don't feel like you "gotta do something everyday otherwise you'll die alone and you'll be broke and you'll never be successful and you'll be forgotten!!"

Do feel pressured to feel like you have to "find your thing" or "be productive" or whatever kind of... heh.... BRAINWASHING you hear online.

I wanted to draw because I was jealous of others, including my friends who are skilled artists... and I did it for the wrong reasons which is why I stopped in February.

I am very happy that I've decided to actually focus on what i like doing and what gives me energy. A quote that has stuck with me for years now is a quote by Jordan Peele from an interview, and it's basically this-

"Follow the fun." And you know what? He's right. Following what gives you that good good boost of dopamine while also feeling like you're accomplishing something is one of the best feelings EVER!!!! Whether it's art, writing, modelling, sculpting, architecture, making music, acting, clay sculptures, etc. FOLLOW THE FUN!! FOLLOW THE SHIT THAT EXCITES YOU!!! I literally always have multiple projects spiralling around in my head all the time and cycling between them at every given moment.

I'm not even saying do only what makes you comfortable or be lazy either, do shit that makes you go "BRING IT ON!!!! I WANNA DO THIS!!!" Get that blood pumping!!! Challenge yourself fairly!!!! There's healthy and unhealthy stress. Healthy stress should make you feel like a fucking PREDATOR!!! AN ANIMAL ON THE HUNT!!! While unhealthy stress makes you feels like you're the prey, the one who's being chased by an unknown force that's out to get you!!

I feel like I'm kinda rambling... anyways!!! ENOUGH WITH THE INSPIRATIONAL BULLSHIT!!! THANK YOU ALL!!!!!! 99% of you have been awesome and incredible!!!

It's also been an honor to get to know so many people who feel the same way as I do about a certain squid lady and her best friends.... before I went onto tumblr I genuinely felt so alone and so insane. I felt isolated, I felt like no one saw these characters the way that I do... I thought my perspective of a certain squid lady and her rebel phase was invalided and false... But now I know that I have people who have my back and understand what I'm trying to express...

One final time, thank you. I'll keep going.

STAY FRESH!!!!!!!!!!

[the-milk-monarch]

hello hello! I really like your writing! can I request a Mal x autistic reader but all good if not. Have a nice day/night!

☣︎ omg yes I wanted to write sth similar but I felt like it'd be too self-serving lmao I hope you don't mind I added Mike in there as well

[𝙰𝚄𝚃𝙸𝚂𝚃𝙸𝙲 𝚂/𝙾]

Summary: Mal pretends to be Mike but Reader picks up on it. After the reveal, Reader has to spent a cold night out with Mal as a challenge + dating headcanons.

☢︎ | Total Drama | 6k words | gender-neutral reader ♡ | Mal | Mike ⚠ | Mal being an ass, reader having a meltdown

[𝙼𝚒𝚔𝚎]

Ever since you joined the Total Drama show, you knew you had to get an ally if you were to win.

Your social skills weren't the best, but you had your good problem solving skills to make up for that. At least you hoped so.

You were a little anxious while interacting with other contestants, hoping they wouldn't notice your a bit different approach to conversations.

But there was one boy who didn't seem to mind your awkwardness. On the contrary, he was a bit awkward as well, which filled you with adoration.

Mike was always so kind and respectful you never felt anxious around him, even with your quirky way of speaking.

Or the fact that you avoided eye contact while you spoke.

And when you cringed at yourself whenever you tripped on the flat ground, he didn't think of you any less, he was just worried whether you hurt yourself or not.

You could say you caught a small crush on Mike because of how comfortable you felt with him, but you knew he was interested in Zoey.

Although you were unsure about some small gestures received from him. "Was he just nice or is it his interest?" played in your head, although your mind told you to assume the worst and not hype yourself up.

That didn't stop you from simping from afar though.

What you loved the most about Mike was his willingness to listen to you ramble about your special interest.

You were really worried about being annoying around other people, knowing you might get a bit too excited the stuff you like and it'd be "inappropriate".

But Mike seemed to be into it, asking follow up questions and overall being engaged with you talking.

Your trust towards Mike was put to a test once you got a bit too overwhelmed in the middle of a challenge.

This particular day you seemed to have extra clumsy coordination which pissed you off a little, as it was important for you to win this time, given how strict the criteria for losing were this time.

"God, I have enough-" You desperately and a bit irritated announced while trying to tie a knot.

The challenge Chris McLean decided to do today was a scout obstacle course. Each person had to partner up with someone and do some scout activities, which included tying knots into various shapes shown on the picture.

The rope fell out of your hands for the 5th time while you were almost done with it and it made you forcibly exhale in irritation.

Mike had just finished his part of the activity and he noticed you had some troubles.

"Um, what is it?" He asked carefully, looking at your closed off body language.

"My hands don't listen to me and I can't tie these damn knots-" You tried not to make a scene, hating how much a simple, stupid task made you upset.

Your breathing got slightly heavier as you tried to suppress your rising emotions. You knew you had the right to express it, but not now. Not in front of Mike.

You took a step back from the ropes laying on the ground helplessly and given up, wanting to get some space from the irritating item.

Mike had noticed your change of attitude and immediately sensed you were losing it a bit.

"Hey, it's fine- I'll do your part." He suggested quickly, hoping to give some reassurance. "I-it's just ropes, right? We can still win!"

You felt a bit silly but you had no power to complete the task. You meekly nodded.

You stood there, just looking at his hard work until he finished.

"Okay, let's go!" Mike announced as he was done with your both parts.

At the end of the day, you and Mike managed to avoid elimination and after the challenge ended, you had some alone time to yourself.

Once you had a chance to be alone for a second, you quickly escaped the large crowd of people, wanting to get some space after such tiring situation.

You were chilling on a bench until you noticed a familiar face appearing on your radar.

Mike had managed to find you.

You quickly changed your way of cross legged sitting on a bench due to fear of being perceived as weird, even though you knew Mike probably wouldn't bat an eye on that.

You politely smiled as he approached you.

"Hey, there you are-" Mike reciprocated your smile a bit nervously.

"I hope I'm not disturbing you, but I noticed you kind of- disappeared from the rest earlier, did something happen? Are you alright?" He asked with worry on his face which made you soften your expression. Did he really care about your wellbeing so much he came after you?

"No, no, you're not disturbing-" You said, halfly honest. You wanted some time alone for yourself, but you couldn't say you didn't appreciate him coming here.

He came up to the bench you were sitting on and sat beside you, keeping a respectful distance.

You didn't even notice when you started slightly bouncing your leg as you spoke.

To a keen eye (or even not so) it was clear that even though your face was calm, you had some bottled stress inside.

Mike was mindful enough to notice it, so he proceeded carefully.

"So- you're fine, just wanted to- chill out alone for a second?" Mike gently asked, looking at your face, even though your eyes avoided his.

"Yeah. You know, people overwhelm me a bit sometimes-" You admitted a bit bluntly.

"Oh, yeah, it's fine, I get what you mean-" He assured you with a smile. But then his smile faltered a little in worry.

"Wait, since you wanted to be alone, aren't I a bother?" He asked again, ready to stop bugging you in case it wasn't welcomed.

You softly smiled at his politeness.

"No, I said you're not a bother. I don't mind you being here, and- I like that you came here, actually." You admitted with a bit awkward and coy smile. You weren't used to speaking your mind freely like that, in case something came out wrong, but you concluded your response was acceptable.

Mike grinned bashfully as he remembered your previous words.

"Right, right, sorry heh." He scratched his neck as he showed a toothy grin.

"So..." He started after a few seconds.

"Tell me if I'm crossing any boundaries here, but I felt like there was some shift from you since that, um, knot situation." He carefully said. "...Are you- mad at me? Did I do something?"

You cringed internally at yourself.

"Oh, eh- no-" You quickly chimed in. "No, I'm sorry if I came off that way-"

"I just got a bit overwhelmed because I'm so clumsy- But I'm alright now." You assured him with a half smile while your leg continued to bounce. Until you noticed the movement and promptly stopped.

Mike had noticed all of your quirks but never commented on them.

"Hey, it's alright- I didn't mind helping you." He gave you a warm and a calm smile.

You waited a bit before thinking about saying something.

"I- I dunno if you know what a 'meltdown' is...?" You carefully started. You never explicitly stated you're autistic, nor you wanted people to treat you like a child whenever they found out, but you trusted Mike wouldn't do that.

Mike blinked once before tilting his head slightly.

"A meltdown... Uh..." He looked at the ground, trying to think about it.

You explained before he could say anything else, saving him from an awkward silence.

"It's an autism thing, I just kinda shut off for a moment there. I know it's not really useful in a competition." You bluntly admitted, waiting for his reaction.

Mike then seemed to get the idea "Oh, right! Yeah, yeah I know what is it." He nodded to emphasize.

"You- You don't have to worry about that! I know how it is to get overwhelmed sometimes-" He chuckled nervously.

"Just so you know, it doesn't change anything." He showed yet another reassuring smile which made the corners of your lips move up as well. "I'll help you whenever you need it!"

"...Thanks." You hoped the shine in your bashful eyes didn't expose your feelings too much.

["𝙼𝚒𝚔𝚎"]

After several days on the island, you noticed something changed. Mike seemed off to you.

Others didn't seem to notice, but your eyes caught some discrepancies in the way Mike acted.

His whole demeanor changed in an uncanny way.

You were used to being very chatty around him due to his always reciprocative stance, but recently Mike started to seem annoyed.

Worries flared up immediately once you noticed he might get bored of your ramblings, so you decided to ask him about it.

"Hey, uh, Mike? Can I ask you a question?" You tried to casually introduce the topic.

"Hm? Yeah, sure. Go on." He answered with fake investment in his voice, smiling.

"Am I talking too much? You can tell me to stop if you got bored or something-" You awkwardly informed him, hoping you weren't a bother after all, waiting for the confirmation.

He stopped for a moment, showing an unsure but cheery smile.

"Oh, no, no- Of course I love listening to you- But I'm just a bit tired today, so maybe you could tone it down a little today?" He tried to be as gentle as ever while shutting you up.

He wasn't very disrespectful but it kind of hurt you. Even though you knew he had the full right to politely ask you to stop, you thought he enjoyed the discussions with you.

You tried once again a few times, but all you were met with was subtly seeping annoyance from his responses.

"Oh my, that's interesting- But tell me, do you have anything else to talk about?" He asked while smiling and pretending to be invested.

"Uh- yeah. If you want I can-"

"Cool. Then talk about something else." He abruptly cut you off.

So with time you slowly shut up with the ramblings, which Mike seemed to be happy about.

You couldn't believe he just changed like that, as if it wasn't him. But you also felt like you had any right to force him into listening to you.

The changes in his behavior didn't stop at that, as you also noticed some remarks coming his way, which you had trouble deciding whether it was sarcasm or not.

He also seemed to get a bit more demanding, not being as keen to help you with things now.

You didn't take Mike's kindness for granted of course, but you knew something changed.

You had a bad feeling.

Your logical thinking made you come up with theories on what happened.

You knew about Mike's D.I.D. and wondered if it was maybe someone else. But you also knew Mike's alters well enough to know it wasn't any of the ones you were acquainted with.

Only thing that stopped you from outright asking him about it was your common decency. It would be rude to just assume.

So you decided to test something.

You once again started your favorite topic, one that Mike had a lot of questions and discussion about while he still acted like himself.

"Hey, Mike, I recently thought about that one tv show we talked about recently and I forgot to tell you some trivia. Wanna listen to the facts about [character] or [character2]?" You asked with halfly casual tone, wanting to check his reaction. You mentioned Mike's favorite action movie, so you believed he would reply with some enthusiast about it.

"Wow- um- Yeah, [character2] sounds good." He responded with pretended interest but you caught some annoyance from him, "per usual".

"...I thought you didn't like [character2]?" You asked a tricky question. The character in question was his favorite one. At least Mike's favorite. You purposefully asked an untrue question.

"Eh- I mean- Hate-listening is a thing, right?" He tried to get out of the hole he fell in due to not listening previously to you. His attempts at trying to be casual were obvious to you now.

You stopped for a moment to look him briefly in the eyes.

"Actually, you mentioned [character2] being your favorite." You tilted your head and raised your brow a bit accusatory.

He looked to the side, as if caught in a lie, but still tried to save face.

"Well tastes change, don't they?" He crossed his arms in a bit of annoyance because of you poking holes in his story.

"That's really rude of you." He furrowed his brows in slight irritation as his patience was running out.

That was it, you knew Mike wouldnt' just tell you that! Or, at least you hoped you were right about it.

You took a leap of faith as you also crossed your arms in a defensive state, staring at him.

"You're not Mike are you?" You asked bluntly.

He got a bit surprised at your boldness.

"What?" He chuckled a bit patronizingly, as if you said something stupid. "Of course I'm Mike. Why do you say that?"

"Well- I didn't wanna assume, but looking at your behavior recently I noticed you got a lot less enthusiastic about spending time with me. So obviously something's up." You concluded, still sticking to your belief. You hoped you weren't wrong.

"God you have to overthink everything, do you?" His tone changed to a slightly deeper one.

You noticed him gracefully swish his hair in a way which made his bangs cover his eye.

"Are you usually this annoying? How did Mike even managed to deal with you?" He expressed his thoughts freely now while you were under his judging eye.

Your eyes widened a little - you were right, it wasn't Mike.

"Wow, okay- Who are you then?" You asked now without any restriction.

"I'm Mal." He responded with arrogance.

"And if you tell anyone I'm not that nerdy freak, you're done." He added with an undertone of threat.

"Hey, what's with that hostility?" You tilted your head and asked a bit bluntly but still remaining polite.

"I am simply direct. I don't have the time or patience to deal with any of your foolish questions." Mal's cold and serious persona was quite intimidating, but you managed to stay calm.

"Okay- I'm direct too, but I don't have to threat you while at it." You pointed out calmly.

"I'm not threatening you. I'm simply telling you what will happen if you reveal my true self to anyone else." Mal's words echoed a threat without any hesitation.

You sighed, sensing some mixed messages from him. "Alright- Uh, so- Why don't you want me to tell others you're not Mike?"

"It's not your business." Mal's face displayed no change in expression, still remaining as firm and strict as ever.

You waited a bit before shrugging. "...Fair enough."

Mal stared at you, showing no reaction whatsoever. "Anything else?"

"Uh- Since you're obviously not Mike, why don't we start again?" You tried to make something out of this unusual situation.

Mal raised his brow skeptically, trying to sense your intentions with that question.

"And what do you mean by that?" Mal's demeanor stayed unchanged, keeping a sharp and indifferent look on his face.

"Like- I know nothing about you, but- I'm opened to still hold an alliance, you know?" You shrugged, hoping he'll agree.

"I'm not looking for any kind of alliance with you." Mal's words sounded harsh and blunt. He never cared for any relationships, especially with people he doesn't even know.

"Okay, harsh." You bluntly put it, a bit awkward he wasn't keen on it. "But- uh, why not?"

"Because there will never be any mutual benefits here." Mal's statement was short and concise, showing no further interest in their current conversation.

"Uh- How so?" You continued.

"You have nothing worthwhile to offer me. No one else has anything worthwhile to offer me either. It's why I'm alone." Mal's words sounded as cold and harsh as ever, as if you weren't even there.

"…Isn't it a bit lonely?" You didn't wanna push the matter further, but without Mike or anyone else in an alliance, you felt lonely yourself. That's why you tried to save the situation you had before.

Mal stayed silent for a bit. "Lonely? Yes. Do I care? No." Mal's face showed no visible change of expression, staying as cold as ever.

"It doesn't matter to me if I'm alone. I can survive on my own, I don't need any friends. I never have and never will."

Your face showed a bit of concern as well as mixed emotions.

It was hard to get to him, but you still had some hopes.

"Well- I'm not saying you need them, but- since I already know you're not Mike, why can't we be at least on a positive terms?" You tried your best to seem an appealing friend.

Mal stayed silent for a bit, considering your words. He remained indifferent and unamused, but your words at least reached his ears.

"You don't even know me, yet you want to be on positive terms with me… Are you that desperate?" He looked at you patronizingly amused.

"I'm trying to be nice here." You bluntly said, a bit discouraged by his unwillingness to cooperate.

"Nice, you say? Do you even know what 'nice' means? To my knowledge, 'nice' is something you do to manipulate people and get their trust. I'm not interested in those kinds of games." Mal's words were cold and sharp, as if challenging you to answer him.

You stood there a bit dumbfounded at his definition of "nice". "No- And I'm sorry you had this experience if that's what you think it means. But I hold no malice towards you, really."

"Well you're either lying, or you're just a fool. I haven't decided yet." Mal didn't make an effort to hold back his words, just letting them slip with his usual bluntness.

You rolled your eyes slightly, but you were determined to change his mind. "Look, I know you have no reason to trust me, like me, or even believe me, but- let's say it makes us even then? We get to be in an alliance, and I don't tell your secret?" You didn't like blackmail, but you had to save yourself somehow.

"…Let's say your offer interests me… What would be your goal of this alliance?" Mal's demeanor changed slightly, becoming noticeably more analytical and entertaining the possibility at least slightly.

"Well- First off, a buddy is always nice to have on the competition, second reason- I like Mike. And you're a part of Mike So- I also wanna be friends with you. And- I hope that's reasonable?" You put it in a honest way.

Mal chuckled out loud before looking at you entertained and looking as if he was about to burst your bubble. "But I'm no Mike. If you think I'm gonna act like him then you're mistaken."

"No, I don't." You quickly disregarded his words. "That's why I suggested a fresh start."

You waited a bit before elaborating more. "Yes, I know that probably sounds stupid, but I'll be blunt. I just wanna make a friend and stay in the game. And I suck at social interactions." You knew how desperate you probably were to him, given his indifferent approach to you, but you had no other idea what to do.

Mal was clearly entertained by your responses. He couldn't help but chuckle at their naivety and the sheer persistence of being his 'friend' or something similar. "…You're one odd individual. I must say."

Mal stood silently for a moment, pondering the possibilities for an alliance between you two. He sighed before responding. "…Very well" Mal's face looked serious now, having a proposition in store.

"Should you fail to respect my boundaries, or try to manipulate me in any way… you're dead meat." Mal's tone of voice changed a bit too, now sounding as if he weren't joking anymore.

"And I also want you to not interfere with any of my plans. Understood? I can tolerate working with you for the time being, but only for the sake of mutual benefits." Mal's words were harsh and intimidating, but there seemed to be a slight tinge of… skepticism.

That was a good thing, you thought, because at least he was considering your request.

You nodded.

[Mal at the confessional]

"I can't decide whether they're planning something I didn't give them credit for, or are they that stupid to think I'm really gonna be in a real alliance with them." Mal chuckled to the camera. "Probably the latter." He added with a smug smirk. "That naive pawn… it's too easy to manipulate them. All that talk about "friendship…" nonsense." He obnoxiously mocked your words with a hand gesture as his look held entertainment. "As if that mattered to me… or anyone." Mal thought to himself out loud. "No one ever mattered to me, and they never will. People are merely tools in my eyes, and I will use them to get what I want..." His expression seemed to stay serious and pondering for a moment before the video cut off.

[𝙼𝚊𝚕]

You had very mixed feelings about the situation.

You were very well aware Mal probably didn't respect you and only agreed to it for his benefit, you weren't stupid.

But you also had some hopes he would come around with time.

Your relationship proceeding further was very rocky, as Mal didn't really treat you with kindness, which you kind of expected, but weren't happy about.

Still, he didn't try to vote you off, and for the time being it worked.

You were a bit lost about what to do, but the days on the island didn't let you have a break to think about things, and the challenges proceeded as usual.

Today's challenge was a camp-out one. People in the team had to partner up with someone and then spend a night outside, in the forest.

"Easy enough", you thought, but you noticed some eye-roll from Mal.

Obviously you and Mal ended up being partners, due to the "mutual" alliance you had.

Once the teams had chose their respective campsites and you were alone, Mal swooshed his hair so it fell on his eye once again without a comment, seemingly more comfortable with this hairstyle instead of Mike's usual standing hair.

"So- How about this place?" You pointed out to a simple area that didn't have a lot of pinecones on the ground, offering a softer ground to set a tent on.

"Whatever, can be." He briefly acknowledged your words without any further interest.

You were a bit tired of his apathetic demeanor but you let it slide.

You placed your backpack on the ground, preparing to take out the necessary equipment.

Mal sat on some available tree root, expecting you to do all the work.

It took you some time but you were determined to set out the tent properly, even under Mal's judging eye.

To no avail. Without an instruction, it wasn't your strong suit to just "wing it".

Mal raised his brow unamusedly while crossing his arms.

"God that's pathetic." He commented without any hesitance.

"Okay then, you do it." You crossed your arms as well, now looking at him.

You heard a "tch-" from him. "Really? You're that helpless?" He smirked.

"It would appear so." You just bluntly admitted, gaining some surprise from Mal, which quickly disappeared after a moment.

"Weak." He murmured to himself, making sure you also heard him. He walked up to the tent, setting it up without much resistance.

You plopped down on the tree trunk Mal was previously sitting on, watching him work.

After he was done you didn't want to be useless, so you got up with an idea of gathering some wood. What's a camp without a camp-fire, eh?

Mal saw you leave but didn't comment anything, choosing to go sit in the tent he just set up.

You were really trying to be nice and respectful to Mal, but he was slowly draining your willingness to do it.

As you were collecting random twigs from the ground you were thinking about him though.

No one was mean without a reason, and given Mike's situation, he probably went through lots of stuff to get to his current behavior, which made you feel sympathetic towards him.

You came back to your little campout, noticing Mal lazily sitting inside the tent, holding a knife in his one hand that was carving the wood he held in the other. You wondered where did he get it from?

"I brought wood." You announced, letting the twigs fall onto the floor.

"Congrats, you made yourself useful." He commented briefly, but mostly ignoring you.

It was a start at least.

Soon enough the air became colder, forcing you to make a fire.

You gathered some rocks and formed them along with several pieces of wood, trying to set the fire with 2 rocks, as you had to do with Mike on scout-type challenge, until Mal took out a match with unamused expression and started the fire.

You blinked as you saw the fire appear, then looked at Mal. "How did you get a match?"

"I stole it." He replied carelessly without a hint of shame.

"...Okay, that works." You only managed to say.

You both got near the source of warmth in a careful distance away from each other, you sitting on the tree trunk nearby, him sitting in the tent.

The challenge was going pretty smoothly, until it began to pour.

The rain quickly took out your fire, making Mal groan in irritation.

As you felt the droplets of water on your clothes, you quickly went into the tent where Mal was taking most of the space, but he reluctantly moved to the corner once he saw you coming.

You stayed silent as you observed the aggressive change of the weather, with Mal not making a peep either, only keeping his outward display of annoyance towards the rain visible.

It was getting dark and cold, with the weather having no plans of going back to the sunny afternoon it previously was.

Mal backed out into the tent, sitting quietly and looking outside with an upset expression on his face.

There was a long, awkward silence that got to you internally, but you didn't want to risk annoying Mal with bringing up "annoying" topics to talk about, as you had no other ideas.

You came to the show with quite a thick jacket with a hood on, so the cold didn't bother you that much, but you observed Mal pressing his bent knees to his stomach in attempt to keep warm.

There was no sign of struggle from his side though, as he made a good job of sitting still, acting like it wasn't bothering him, with the exception of subtle trembles of his body once in a while.

It was obvious he felt cold with only a short-sleeved shirt to keep him warm.

"Are you cold?" You asked hesitantly, even though you knew the answer.

He shot you a death glare. "I'm fine."

You waited a second, looking at him briefly and thinking about your options. You decided to press further.

"You have short sleeves though." You pointed out, looking at his face getting agitated.

"So fucking what? My fault this moron can't dress properly?" He barked at you with hostility, as if you were pointing out his misfortune.

"No." You responded a bit taken aback by his tone, but you remained calm.

"But- We can share." You made your intentions clear as you took off the jacket, handing it to him.

He looked at you with skeptic and confused eyes as if you had some hidden intentions behind that move, but he accepted the gift without any comment.

You noticed his grumpy expression soften slightly but still keeping that distrustful glare, avoiding your eye as he put the jacket around his back.

You judged his reaction as a positive one though.

After a moment you scooted closer to him, touching his side with yours, to which he raised his eyebrow at your "audacity".

"What are you doing?" He muttered, looking at your movements with mixed feelings.

"You're not the only one cold here. I'm also freezing." You explained a bit lightheartedly, hoping to ease the thick tension between you two.

Mal only briefly looked at you and let out a "hmph" noise as an acknowledgement as he looked away from you, yet he didn't move away, letting you stay in this position.

You sighed contently for the first time in a few days now.

You watched the rain fall in silence, but at least it wasn't as overwhelming now.

Finally the exhaustion caught up to you both as a product of several hours of walking and doing stuff.

Mal let out the first yawn and so you asked him whether he wants to go to sleep.

He shrugged, still keeping his indifferent behavior but accepted. "Sure, whatever."

You both moved to the far away corners of the tent and layed down, feeling the fabric of the tent soften the hard ground halfly. Chris didn't pack you any sleeping bags, that would be too easy.

All you had was your jacket as a make-shift blanket.

You noticed Mal laying on his side, in a way that wouldn't make him face you.

You offered him a part of the jacket but his ego didn't let him accept this time.

"I'm fine. I don't need it." He harshly turned down your offer.

You sighed. "Fine."

Mal remained stubborn, even though the cold was biting his ass, he managed to fall asleep.

You however couldn't, due to the uncomfortable place of sleeping.

You laid on your back for a few seconds, staring at the ceiling of the tent, before deciding to take a look at Mal.

His breathing let you notice he was asleep, although his shaky body was visibly cold.

You didn't have the heart to let him freeze, so you very carefully moved near him, putting a part of the jacket on him to cover him up.

You pressed your back very slightly against him, craving some additional warmth from his body that would benefit you boths

Fortunately he didn't wake up.

You managed to fall asleep after some time as well.

Mal woke up after several hours, thoroughly confused about the state of his being, as he expected to wake up cold, but he was quite- cozy.

His expression changed as soon as he noticed you very close to him.

He cringed at your proximity, with your front facing him in a blissful state of sleep, hair over your eyes as if in rom-com movie.

He was about to forcefully shake you off him, but he decided against it for some reason.

Perhaps it was his self-preservation finally speaking, instead of ego getting in his way of survival. Your position was both comfy and warm, after all.

He only turned to lay on his back, letting out a heavy sigh, furrowing his eyebrows slightly as it was now his turn to look above without any particular reason, just to think over the situation.

As soon as you started to wake up, he immediately backed off, putting the whole jacket on you.

"Finally you're awake." He said as if it was a big bother.

You softly rubbed your eyes, yawn escaping your lips as you done so.

"When did you wake up?" You asked with a bit of haze still.

"Doesn't matter." He sharply shut down your question, although his tone was just slightly different than his usual bitterness.

After you both past the challenge timer of staying and ready to leave the place, you noticed Mal taking down the tent, without you having to ask him for it. Huh.

[Mal at the confessional]

Mal stared at the camera with crossed arms for a longer moment, having an ambiguous expression on his face. After some time he finally decided to open his mouth. "God, they're so helpless. They can't even set up a damn tent." His scornful tone made it obvious he was making fun of you. "How would they even make it so far without me?" He once again made it clear to the recording device that he was needed for your victory. Yet another few seconds passed by before his thought was said out loud, this time his face turning less arrogant and more figuring out what he's gonna say. "...They're so naive." He reiterated once more, as if to reassure himself what to think. "But- Maybe with my help I'll be able to use them to my advantage." He finally found the correct direction of his further words. "I'll make sure no one gets between me and Y/N getting a chance at winning the money." "Of course, just for me to forcefully take the victory away from them, later." He said confidently, but he felt the need for a clarification on that last part. He lingered in the confessional for a moment more, before getting to his final words, looking straight at the camera. "And if anyone plans to interfere with that, they're gonna go down."

[BONUS - DATING HEADCANONS]

Of course if you and Mal become a thing, he'll be more keen about tolerating your quirks and listening to you ramble about your hyperfixations.

He won't be as invested in them, but he'll treat you in a way he'd treat a cat enjoying it's favorite toy - "You do your thing sweetie. It's stupid but adorable to look at."

Once he gets used to your true thoughts and trust you, he'd also think your honesty is refreshing.

He thinks neurotypicals play too many complicated emotional games.

He can also play them as a form of manipulation, but if it comes to trusting each other he appreciates you always being blunt when it comes to what you think.

It's obvious Mal most probably has ASPD and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, so he's not a stranger to people not liking his attitude and way of thinking.

He might be a bit too harsh on you at first, not used to having someone caring about him (or vice versa) but with time he'll learn to not go as hard on you.

Like with your 'special needs', not tolerating some textures and foods, your obsession about only on topic at a time, or stimming, which might be distracting to him.

He might panic a bit inside once you have a meltdown first time around him though, not knowing how to act around you in that state, as only thing he knows it's hostility, so don't expect him to be much help.

He might listen to your requests how should he act later on, though.

He will also be more straightforward around you when he notices your "denseness".

"Do you- want my jacket again?" You asked, looking at Mal. "No, let me freeze to death." He remarked sarcastically, expecting you to pass him the jacket again, but you just blinked, unsure if he wanted it or not after your previous similar encounter with him being reluctant to accept it. He looked at you a second more, now elaborating a bit annoyed. "Yes, I want it."

Even more so after Mal became less insecure about showing his interest in you.

"Aren't you cold?" He asked, looking at you expectantly with a hint of tease in his voice, obviously wanting you to come closer to him so you'd need him as a source of warmth. "Kinda-" You responded casually, yet still did nothing. Mal waited a moment before finally sighing and pulling you closer to him in a smooth manner, making you a bit surprised. "That means come here." He reiterated slightly more greedy about your presence. That amount of possessiveness made you a bit stunned, but in a kind of positive way. He wasn't negative towards you anymore, after all. "Do I really have to spell out everything for you?" He asked halfly serious. "Well- apparently." You admitted a bit embarrassed at your lack of clue. He rolled his eyes, pulling you closer. "Okay then. You're mine now."

[aydien677]

My own little Psychological Headcannons on the brothers.

A/N: oh my God this is a lot.

Warnings: lots of mental health stuff, like, lots

Ok so I believe Lucifer has ptsd of the complex variety, maybe Bipolar, anxious and severely depressed as well with possible BPD and definitely autism and he will definitely have oldest child syndrome. His brothers don’t appreciate him as much as they should and he seems to rarely ever get hugs since even though he is doing what he thinks is best for them they do their best to ruin his day. He feels anxious he isn’t doing good enough for his brothers and that they’ll get hurt because of this. He’ll blame yourself for everything bad that happens to them. He has a lot of pressure to do everything for your siblings and his needs were put last as his brothers don’t appreciate you as much as they should and even now he’ll put himself last and will overwork himself for his brothers often not eating or sleeping like he should. Whenever his brothers are threatened he will immediately go into fight or flight always choosing fight as if it’s been drilled into him that he doesn’t matter and his brothers come first. That’s why he’ll act tough because he feels guilty for being vulnerable because that makes him feel unfit to protect his brothers and they’ll think he is weak and leave him for showing some emotional vulnerability making him unable to protect them when they leave. He has also turned to borderline alcoholism to help relieve some of his stress and anxiety because he never actually had the time to get over his trauma and learn to take care of himself. Yet most importantly it seems that his brothers are his only will to live.

Then Mammons hyperactive Adhd is mostly what’s fucking him over because he can start something but will quickly loose interest causing it to fail because he can’t follow through and adhd can make you more likely to get addicted to things in Mams case it’s the casino but being the Avatar of Greed also plays a part because he feels like he’s missing something so he’s likely using possessions to try and fix it when he’s really just missing affection because he is used as an emotional punching bag by your brothers and this also caused him to have BPD, major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. Since He is mostly used as an emotional punching bag which is not good for him and he hardly ever properly retaliates. This is because he wants to believe you all care but he has a hard time believing it making him even more depressed and anxious especially after Michael pretty much abandoned and bad mouthed him . Despite his grades He is very smart and it’s mostly just his adhd. This can mostly be solved by more positive reinforcement and accommodations for his adhd.

Levi has autism and anxiety and as the Avatar of Envy he is likely jealous of who he used to be but can’t explain that part so he’s just miserable and depressed but at least he’s more open about how he feels especially his anxiety. He really just needs someone to listen to him. Did I mention autism?

Satan is a walking autistic existential identity crisis and as the Avatar of Wrath he is mostly angry because he is confused about why he exists and it’s also why his main comfort is books because they explain things and he’s using escapism as a coping mechanism. He needs reassurance that he is his own person and not a carbon copy of someone else. It’s seen over and over that Satan loves books and that he believes Knowledge is power but he doesn’t have the knowledge of how he came into existence except for the fact he split from Lucifer.

Asmo is the healthiest with his self care but he has histrionic personality disorder and as the Avatar of Lust he is likely trying to Fuck away his feelings so to speak so he doesn’t have to think about it but then again his self care is also his greatest weakness since he believes that if people cannot see how pretty he is what else do they have to go by. His face is his mask and he thinks his mask is all people will ever see. They can't see what's underneath because he thinks that it does not matter.

Beel is mostly just depressed and his guilt likely forms as a pit in his stomach which could also be mistaken for hunger so as the Avatar of gluttony he tries to eat to get rid of that pit of guilt. Belphie is depressed and has inattentive Adhd and if you’re too busy sleeping you don’t have to acknowledge reality of loosing Lilith and his coping mechanism is pretty fitting for the avatar of sloth.

[abzulios]

So, we probably don't write enough to have any sort of standing, but a bit of prefacing: We are a medically diagnosed DID system. It was hell. Please take what we're writing as our own personal experience, but also as something to relate and/or help. We aren't trying to say like, you experience this versus you don't.

I don't really see a lot of people talking about the actual day to day struggle that is being a system. We have a routine we follow every day. We check out simply plural, change anyone's fronting stuff (if they didn't do it already, or if there's been a change), we get out of bed, get dressed, maybe eat something, and then the rest of the day is a perpetual "Did we do this thing? Obviously we did, it's done, but when?" And "Are we sure that we ate, put on clean clothes, and didn't forget anything?" It's a literal nightmare sometimes. We have a lot to do around the house every day, and we only get about half of it done.

We can't drive because we dissociate in the car, because car rides have always been a safe place for us. They always meant we were going *away* from the bad things. We can't really cook because a lot of us are in co-con, and argue about food, we always settle on extremely basic things everyone will eat. We can't really clean our bedroom either, the moment we do it's suddenly a mess again, and we've cleaned it, but it's been a week between cleaning it. Blink and you miss it.

As the front locked host, I can't get a lot of work done. I can't remember where I put important things down, I can't keep a schedule the way I'd like to for us, and I struggle every day remembering enough stuff to actually get anything for us done whatsoever. I can't keep things on the desk the way I need them to be (I'm autistic.) and I can't organize the room or our games or anything. It all drives me mad every day, and I can't right put into words how it all makes me feel. The co-con that we live in is.. interesting to say the least, a lot of passive influence, and a lot of indecision. I live our life, and I feel so fucking horrible for my headmates. They can't live their lives because they're stuck in our body. I get so many notes expressing these feelings, and I really do try my best to get people things. Some of my headmates I've managed to buy source accurate jewelry that they really wanted, or a particular item of clothing, it's not a lot, but it's the best I can do considering everything.

Every system out there that struggles with constant amnesia and time loss is valid. The ones that don't have it as bad as we might or others might are valid.

I'm really sorry this turned into a rant post >•<

- Alex, Moxidryne Composite.

[dragon-queen21]

Umm, I want to request autistic agere Zoro. I think Zoro would get overwhelmed and try to hide it from everyone. I also think he would love taking naps on the grass of the Sunny (Texture).

I also think that Franky would compliment him once and then he would just seek out Franky because yes. Also Franky is a SUPER big brother and Zoro needs to be held.

Zoro would also naturally avoid the stairs at all costs. Baby doesn't want to see the, be near them, and will cry if someone's on them.

He cuddles with Chopper during nap time because fluffy doctor=satisfied patient. He would also love listening to Brook play the violin away from commotion because he has sensitive hearing.

Cries when yelled at. Confused with affection but gets used to it. Tries to wear as little clothes as possible unless the texture is nice. Hates things around his neck.

He needs to be around each crew member at least an hour of every day watching them. Has a good sense of smell except when it comes to BO. Baby likes staying clean. Baby will drink the blood of baby's enemies if offered (mistakes it for juice).

Sorry for having you read all this, it's just, in my mind eating me alive.

No apologies I am always open to getting rambles from people about favorite characters, headcanons, anything really :3 If anyone should be apologizing it’s me for taking so long to answer you. Sorry about that with halloween asks and just general irl stuff my brain has been all over the place.

Tw for unintentional self harm

~I feel like he would get overwhelmed while big, end up regressing involuntarily, and now that Zoro is small, still be overwhelmed because everything that was causing him to be overwhelmed in the first place is there only it feels like it multiplied tenfold.

~I bet that has confused so many crewmates when a once content Zoro just bursts into tears when they are coming down the stairs. Does he just not want to see them? Overwhelmed by something? Just felt like crying anyways? Returned to normal Zoro would never admit to what makes him so upset so the crew is left to guess and wonder.

~Franky would probably be so good at dealing with meltdowns, because he can just, pick Zoro up even if the regressor is flailing around and take him somewhere to calm down. (Also Franky would call him a little rapscallion)

~Overwhelmed by clothing texture and the feeling of wanting to tear your own skin off. Yeah probably just stays shirtless most of the time. Maybe with a blanket draped over his shoulders like a cape if he gets cold.

~He would probably pick at his skin or nails a lot. Best solution to this? Chopper :3 Can’t be picking at your skin if you are cuddling and petting a small fluffy reindeer

~Also Luffy would 100% call stimming by some funny name, like happy flaps and would probably mimic what Zoro does (not in a mean way, I don’t know how to exactly put it)

~He absolutely has a favorite story that Usopp tells and would ask for that exact story to be told to him whenever he’s small

[jamethinks]

Tonight's rant is gonna be about my baby Demetrius, i know the general public don't really care about the Dessies but I do and i dont really vibe with that whole Deme got a lobotomy theory. Idk on one side i get it and i don't put it past them to write that into the story because it is an interesting angle but to me he just immediately gave off accidentally autistic vibes. A gifted kid with no social skills who doesn't understand people. He didn't give off mysterious convoluted backstory just overstimulated nerd whole doesn't know how to talk to a 6 year old.

And don't get me wrong I love wacky theories but I just feel like it's still kinda weird to say and if canon then would leave a bitter in my (and only my) mouth (based on my own interpretations of the character. it would not be a moral judgement of the creator nor material).

For me, my best theories about him (aside him just being autistic) were:

he feels threatened by Damian, like a sibling rivalry thing (least likely)

he grew up under a lot of pressure from his parents to be excellent and is now kinda jaded and just blanked out about everything and that's why his brain was blank

he just didn't socialize a lot, not a lot of friends and stuff, so he just really did not know what to say to Damian. Just an awkward moment.

Obviously, a major difference between Damian and Demetrius is that Damian is definitely more normal. I feel like he wants to be like his brother but there is a fundamental difference between the two of them ('tism) that is probably also the reason Donovan just isn't as interested in Damian. I think the story is a bit limited by the age of the characters vs the narrative they're trying to sell, like it's objectively insane for a father to already decide his son has no potential at six years old and I know rich people are irrational but let's be for real. I just feel it would work better if he was old and actually had the chance to fail but again idk maybe Deme started school at 3 who knows.

Another angle I had floating around in my head is that Damian was not wanted, like he was 100% a mistake and just was not supposed to be born. His parents just wanted one to take over the company and now they got a second one who's kinda useless and just burdensome. And so Deme was born to be an heir and was raised to be his father's successor and so while he got a lot of attention he didn't get a lot of affection. But for Damian he interpreted it as his brother having done something to earn that attention and he is now trying to gain it himself through academics the thing his brother is good at. And that frustrates Deme because it's like 1) you're setting yourself for failure and 2) now i feel even more isolated because not even my brother gets it.

My hand is falling asleep so we end it here but just some thoughts idk

[fearecia]

Putting this in a pinned post to make it easy to find/share. We all know how Tumblr is about things (and to be fair, I'm terrible and inconsistent as hell with tags).

Link to the "shoulder release" document:

Notes about this guide:

This is a WIP, and still very much in the rough draft phase. Please forgive typos/errors. I literally haven't done a single edit yet.

The document focuses on releasing shoulders as a way to treat neck tension and migraines. Seriously, just trust me. It helps.

Carpal tunnel? Tennis elbow? Golfer's elbow? AC (acromioclavicular) joint injury? Rotator cuff problems? Tight upper back? Sporadic numbness in your arm? Seriously, just try the muscles already listed. You'll likely find at least some relief. Like, if it involves the upper body, release your shoulders.

I've done my best to make this able to be understood by people without massage training. So if it seems like it's covering really "obvious" info, that's intentional. Just skip the section if you already know things.

A lot of massage therapists may balk at me telling you to dig around in your own armpit. We're taught in school to avoid the area. Why? Because there's a crap ton of nerves and blood vessels there. *Which is precisely why releasing this area is so powerful.* There's also a ton of muscle (on yes, basically everybody) here that will protect all those structures. It's honestly really safe so long as you stick to "In pain, refrain!" And read the other rules too.

90% of the time, the culprit is one of the four muscles listed (or any combination of them). If you are someone who exercises a lot/does yoga/is otherwise pretty physically active, you are more likely to fall into the 10% of people who will have their issue somewhere else/it will just be really hard to find. So bear that in mind.

Sadly, this sort of thing will probably never be a "one and done" type of deal. Most of the things we do every day steadily build up to cause problems, and you have to constantly work to undo that entropy. So save these notes for future you.

And just in case you want to know what the hell qualifies me to make this sort of document, here are my "quals."

My first career attempt was nursing. While this did not go well (doctors don't really appreciate autistic students willing to question their authority) I learned a shit ton about the body. I became a student teacher for the anatomy and physiology class because I was so good at it (and that professor used to teach the pre-med students). A&P is now literally one of my special interests.

8 years as a licensed massage therapist focused exclusively on injury therapy. I studied Rolfing techniques, and primarily used trigger point therapy, structural integration, and myofascial release as my tools. Clients liked to joke that going to see me was like seeing the physical therapist (they weren't wrong).

Some of the stuff I share is literally self taught through "following the tension" in clients bodies. Like, I developed some of my protocols. And then practiced and refined them over 100s of bodies. The goal was always the most efficient and least painful way to achieve lasting release.

I eventually destroyed my shoulder doing massage (which was injured long before this career due to an AC joint sprain gotten when I was 20). Bonus, this means I'm *very* practiced at releasing my own shoulders.

I'm now a mechanical engineer, which just means I now have the engineering knowledge to understand to the force transferrence patterns I saw in clients all the time. Kinesiology is the same thing as statics and dynamics.

Hopefully that helps put perspective into things. I'll update this post as new versions of the document come out. I have a ton on my plate right now (who am I joking; I always have a ton on my plate), so please be patient waiting for updates.

[slowdrippingnoise]

I cannot stop thinking about Fords dream. Plan sexual? Is this aroace confirmation??

"Attracted to planning" my ass. What happened to attracted to strange and the strange was always attracted to him?? You are a weirdo, except it

I an aroace and i was concerned that Ford will be straight in TBOB but now i am just confused???

I see you want to scream about the book of bill. Please scream at me i need someone else in this madness

OK!!!! so this is an extremely interesting question, and my perception of it is very heavily influenced by this interview being fresh in my mind (you've probably already read/watched but if not go do that it's great) towards the end you can find alex answering a question about ford being interpreted as queer- and basically talking about how ford is written as extremely romantically/interpersonally repressed in general- I won't try to summarize it i genuinely recommend just going and reading that, he describes it all better than I could (and again maybe you already have idk)

I feel like the tbob dream note could be taken a number of ways (and, while I wouldn't actually ask it cause i feel like leaving it up to imagination is actually more interesting in a creative engagement kind of way, i'm desperate to know what hypothetical answers are hiding behind that "usually" oh ford) but the thing that sticks out to me is. i mean it's very difficult to read it as straight isn't it. ford has recurring dreams about being quizzed on "what he's attracted to" and consistently dodges the question (doesn't even give a straightforward answer like "nothing", he misdirects back onto his logical smartguy persona) it's definitely a nod to fans too, sure, but in-character it's no-way-out firmly establishing that his sexuality specifically is on the Grand List of Stanford Pines Insecurities. we definitely got a nod to this way back in j3 of course- the ford&fidds campout conversation- but this i think this new tidbit betrays a much more internal fixation/anxiety than "it's confusing to me and I don't really want to think about it for more that a minute at a time" (<-the vibe his j3 stuff had more of to me) TL;DR whatever he is, i do not think you can call this man canonically straight at all lmao. W

(ok i'm losing track of my own thoughts a bit here. i should've outlined this like an essay lmao. back on track-)

In terms of what I personally believe/headcanon? honestly i'm in a funny in-between place right now- if you asked me last week i'd just say "he's gay probably" but this has me Thinking now in a more "ok, what cooperates best with canon and how I personally view him" way and the "ford aroace" people are making some interesting points. my most recent idea of him that i've been rolling around in my mindscape like a shiny rock goes basically like this:

(putting this under a cut)(also this goes wildly off-topic for a while because i love talking about ford. i promise it is tangentially related and relevant to my argument)

ford is repressed in how he deals with people because people are confusing and often scary (history of bullying and ostracization, we all hc him as some kind of autistic, etc.), and this extends to how he views romance/sex- if you don't see yourself as safe/belonging among other humans it can be extremely difficult to imagine yourself in such intimate dynamics with them (accepted, loved) and ford is very well established to close himself off to keep himself safe. the prospect of "romance" is by default more unsettling than it could ever really be comforting to him (within his ability to imagine it, at least) outside of the rarer "what if i was just normal and nobody bothered me for existing" fantasy, which is its own can of worms,,

another part of this is my (more arbitrary/i know because im right forever/because i lived it) hc that the elder pines twins' parents didn't really love each other by the time they were raising stan and ford, it was more of a "we both pay the rent/keep the family going, we may not strictly like each other and yeah there's a screaming fight or two every few years, but divorce is off the table because it would leave us both financially up the creek, so you do what you gotta do" situation. which has the potential to do. things. to how you think about Traditional Ideas of Couples and Suchlike. take my word for it.

another important part, though i find myself getting technically off-topic for a ways here, my apologies- i've been thinking about ford's Patterns with his attachments, in that he generally has one Main Person to focus on and trust at a time, and for a most of his life these attachments end Badly- throughout his entire adolescence he has stanley as that person, they exist in constant contrast to each other, their own self-perceptions are defined by their existence as a duo, covering for each other's weaknesses (to the extent that they can ignore traits in themselves that "double up", so to speak- stanley is the dumb muscle and ford is the booksmart genius with potential- no way out of that)(their dad affects this too)(oof) he and stan have a really awful falling-out that leaves ford with the belief that his One Person was willing to sabotage his future, completely disregarding ford's own feelings or sense of security and agency, just to get his way. (strike 1.5? against ford's ability to trust people) --- in college he attached to his roommate, fiddleford- and they genuinely get along and compliment each other really well! they're besties for life! yippee! so ford has a Person again, to exist next to, to prop himself up. but their lives go in different directions- they both move on with their studies/careers, and ford winds up in gravity falls, alone, where he has trouble again interacting with the locals and spends all his time wandering the woods, with endless hours for introspection. --- enter- Bill! :) bill becomes ford's 3rd Person, and he flatters ford and manipulates him and validates him and offers him everything he could ever shallowly imagine would solve all his problems and patch up the gaping hole in his self-worth forever definitely (while reminding him of what he remembers/imagines of his brother most likely, ow) bill is also more "safe" than other people, he's an anomaly, a supernatural phenomenon, even, and he lives exclusively inside ford's head. he's a perfect, safe, obsession target. (billford situationship essay for another day)

until he's not, of course.

until his college bestie Person is back too, and he's more Real than bill in a way that's very comforting, but fidds is another strong influence, one for the better, and bill can't have that around, he has to go. after that his relationship with bill also turns sour extremely quickly in a terrifying way, which leaves ford shaken and unmoored and desperate, which leaves... stan.

which also falls apart. (strikes 2, 3 and 1.5-the-sequal in rapid succession)

the 30 years spent multiverse-hopping are interesting to me too in how they affected ford- i think being around so much "abnormality"/being disconnected from his own world's ideas of normal did a lot to mellow him out- but he still couldn't really stick around anywhere to form deeper bonds with anybody, he's a wanderer until bill is dead, which may well end up killing ford in the process, so...

then! he's back home! which is bad! (from his perspective) but gives him the opportunity to try to Attach to a 4th Person- dipper! this was a secret essay on why i think he's Like That about dipper all along not about romance at all haha trick'd'ya! (i'm joking)

anyway you get the idea- fortunately he has a slightly wider support net by the end of the show between stan, fiddleford, and the kids- but to me it's relevant in that ford has a very limited network of people who he is close to at all, considering that his view on romantic relationships seems to orbit around "don't wanna think about that/that's scary, I don't know/etc.", and that for a long time the relationships(platonic or otherwise) that he did have were defined by their ending in trauma, guilt, and shame. it makes sense to me for him to not really be able to figure himself out, how do you dissect all the layers of the bonds you do manage to form, tease out one strong emotion from another, especially when you're always afraid of ruining something because this is all you have?

I guess, given all that rambling, to me he lands within some combination of demi-aroace(attraction of any kind is rare and difficult to distinguish from other emotions, needs a strong base first) and too repressed and deeply, deeply traumatized to really say what comes naturally and what's his brain trying to protect him from being hurt. he knows that something is, by the standards of humanity, "wrong" with him, but it's just another note on a long list of "reasons normal people don't like him". and he's gay.

-----

ok i probably forgot some stuff but i think thats my thoughts on that lmao. anyway BOOK OF BILL this makes me. so crazy. hasnt left my brain for days. i will never be the same i called these shots i CALLED them. but i couldn't imagine. anyway-

while i'm still talking about ford, i love that this book let him be more emotionally vulnerable than j3 did, i feel like there was a harsher impression of ford among fans for a long time (at least, with people who weren't already Obsessed with him) because he has limited time in the actual show for his character to be established, and a lot of j3 either had him on the defensive, or still stuck in "everything ever is my fault" mode. getting a better view both of how bill manipulated him, and how he's still affected by it "postcanon" puts him way more in line with. how i've seen him all along basically!! augh. he's lonely and insecure and afraid and wants so, so badly to connect to people,, "the ego of a king. the insecurity of a circus freak." compare to "my immense self hatred vs my delusional god complex" we were so right.

his last section of the book is. so so perfect i'm so glad we have that- it wraps up what felt like a loose end with other pieces of canon leaving him on "i'm the biggest idiot in the world" which felt. bad. all things considered. but tbob lets him air out that soul-crushing shame in such a beautiful way- both in letting us the audience actually See how it was with him and bill before, and his family reassuring him that they love him and don't carry some massive sense of Blame for him being manipulated... it hurts good man. perfect place to end on. he's gonna be ok it'll be ok.

related- possession pages go crazy. like that is some "i've read fanfiction less fucked up than this" shit and I [the rest of this sentence redacted for my dignity] what was i saying. the dream scene was so viscerally upsetting. the "light switch". the stretching. (alex drop a link to your ao3 account. urgh) bill is so so so scary for that brief moment which is an amaaazing essential addition to the book that actually made me feel horrifically personally sorry for the little bastard for the first time maybe ever. i mean this so genuinely he's the worst he's been he's the saddest he's been it's a beautiful tapestry drawing me in. it's gonna occupy my brain for weeks. maybe months. he's desperate to hold on to ford he's desperate for his plans to work for once and he's pissed as hell but also now he has an excuse to cut loose- he doesn't have to hide his angry, shitty, abusive side from this little human that he's grown so attached to(who he sees himself in)- he can see ford and ford can see him (or, what he's willing to think of as "himself")(where did you all go-) and ford is just living a nightmare that he couldn't have possibly imagined. incredible

i'm practiced at being emo about ford i've been emo about ford since 2015 but the bill thing is new to me (not strictly the lore, i was around for the reddit AMAs/the axolotl poem, but the elaboration-) and it's killing me. he's so fucked. he's hopeless. he's fucked himself up so bad and refuses to get any better because just looking at it inside his head is too much. there's a loud buzzing in his ears and he blacks out for 30 seconds. everyone loved him he was the best baby ever. sixer, it would eat you alive. the doctor says three sips a day will make the visions go away. where did you all go. he's fine, he's fine, he's fine. it's all hitting me fresh like it's brand new, funy nightmare triangle abandonment issues go brrrr-

he wants ford to want him so bad he wants to not be alone so bad. hes awful he ruins every chance he gets and it's all genuinely his own fault. fuck (im not gonna talk about "pain is hilarious" im not gonna be cringe im not gonna do it) blacked-out list of exes love and fear are the same love cage you're my property if lost return to bill cipher covered in blood all alone in the universe-

I was gonna elaborate on those last scraps but. i am running out of brain. big week for ford enjoyers. big week for me being so so sad (/pos) ☀️

[strawberryraviegutz]

I feel like this needs to be said but..Am I the only one getting annoyed with the “Ame Chan is a bad person/problematic” discourse?? I’m not just talking about the ppl who’ve been complaining about her character saying they “didn’t realize how awful she was”. I’m also talking about ppl being like “lmao yall clearly didn’t play the game of course she’s a horrible person you’re just now realizing that??”

You don’t necessarily have to play a game to be a fan of it. It’s pretty common for ppl to watch gameplay videos or videos covering the story of/analyzing games and characters if they can’t or don’t wanna play it. Second I dont think we should just look at Ame through a black and white lense. Ame’s not a horrible person but she’s not necessarily good either. She’s a very VERY flawed person who struggles with mental health issues and addiction and makes rlly bad decisions and says rlly mean/bad things.

But that’s like…literally everyone on earth. Everyone has flaws especially mentally ill ppl, nobody’s perfect. It’s implied that Ame was literally abandoned/disowned by her parents so of course she’s not going to make the best decision with a “stable” mind especially if you’re desperate.

Ame Chan does terrible things/decisions like taking drugs on stream and self harming on stream and I think she even killed herself on stream too in one ending(tho feel free to correct me if I’m wrong) which is obviously irresponsible and dangerous. And she says things that aren’t necessarily nice or the best(some of it is warranted since some of the ppl in her chat were saying rlly awful, gross and even misogynistic things and calling her “old”).

And while she only wanted to be kangel for attention online, it’s kinda possible that she’s been able to have positive impacts on her fans/audience. We’ve seen how she is with the younger side of her fanbase as Kangel. She’s very kind and compassionate and overall very sweet towards them. Kangel’s entire persona is revolved around reaching out to lonley ppl online who’re struggling and to make them happy.

She may be doing it only for money snd attention, but like most ppl who struggle with mental health issues, they sometimes don’t realize the positive impacts they’ve had on the ppl around them. Hell maybe deep down Ame made Kangel to also help reach out to ppl like her online and make them happy too.

And as for the whole shotacon accusations, Ame Chan is NOT a shotacon. It was a very bad translation error and we all know that most translators aren’t always reliable(especially Google Translate) so please stop spreading that around. It’s been debunked already.

Maybe I’m biased because while I don’t have BPD(at least I don’t think so), have never taken drugs, nor have I ever cut myself in like a very VERY long time(tho I never left any scars cuz i didn’t like pain)and have an anxiety disorder and am autistic, I still sorta relate to/kin Ame Chan.

I’ve had my moments where I’ve had emotional and or violent outbursts(not where I’ve beat someone up or broke anything)due to a rush of emotion and or getting real worked up/frustrated online and irl.

And it’s always rubbed me the wrong way when I’ve been seeing ppl trying to put Ame into the box of “bad/problematic person” whether you’re trying to defend her character or not. It’s a lot more complex and morally grey than that and I think characters like her being in media are important to lessen the stigma of mental health whether it be in Japan or worldwide.

Feel free to correct me and fill me in on stuff if I missed anything or left anything out but in conclusion, Ame Chan is a not a good person, but she’s not necessarily a monster and or all bad either and I think ppl on both sides should realize that.

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hey I dunno if you’ve gotten this before but. Do you have anything on autism and DID/OSDD? Specifically resources or accounts and such (since I’ve seen the positivity post)

I struggle with emotional dysregulation, big memory issues (huge chunks of childhood and adolescence missing, forgetting things constantly, dissociating emotions from memories, etc,) frequent daydreaming/spacing out/dissociation, that type of thing (and a bit more that’s a little too complicated to explain in an ask lol)

I’ve always kind of figured it was just part of me being autistic (I’m professionally diagnosed and definitely very autistic regardless lol), but I’ve recently gone down a bit of a rabbit hole relating to plurality and now I’m wondering if it could be a symptom of DID/OSDD instead/as well (I was originally looking at something else and stumbled into the tags somehow. The original thing that led me here was foxes. I think. And then I had a bit of a panic as I realized how some of the symptoms were VERY close to some of my experiences. Especially the memories.) but i also can’t tell if it’s just some sort of brain fog(???? Is that the correct term?) / alexithymia / Unknown Autism Trait 3 that nobody ever talks about and is difficult to find any sort of explanation or resources for. And my brain protested and had the equivalent of being on the verge of a sobbing meltdown or mental overload of some sort when I tried to think about stuff relevant to the topic so I don’t think it’s going to be of much help to me right now.

obviously not asking for diagnosis or to self diagnose at all (since. I understand you cant really do either of those /lh /nm) but I’m curious if any of you know of any resources relating to this specific type of stuff? I feel like I’d go insane trying to find any info on it. (And also I don’t think my brain would want to cooperate if I asked it to because it basically shuts down, gives me a headache, and turns to a pathetic wet sobbing cat whenever I try to think about the possibility so I doubt I’ll be identifying as anything anytime soon but. I want some stuff to think over at least.)

hey, we also are autistic and have dissociative identity disorder. unfortunately, there isn’t really too much research on the overlap between autism and complex dissociative disorder diagnoses at this time, that we know of, but we do think that autistic people may have a higher likelihood of dissociating and developing a cdd than neurotypical people.

we really love mike lloyd’s work at the ctad clinic, and he has an insightful video on the intersection of autism and dissociation here:

here is an open access paper by katherine e. reuben and ayden parish on dissociation as a symptom in autism - it’s an interesting read and wasn’t too difficult for us to parse:

also, here are a couple life experience pieces by folks with both did and autism:

our own autism has contributed to our trauma history in how we were treated, formed attachment, and understood the world as a child. for our own system, our autism and our did are inextricably linked. we are certain that many other autistic systems feel the same.

if exploring this possibility for yourself is causing you great distress, it may be for the best to put this off to the side for now until you have reached a point with more stability or a greater support system in your life. please don’t overwhelm or cause yourself harm by looking into this possibility on your own, if it is unhealthy for you.

if you are in therapy or have a mental health professional in your life who you trust, this would be an excellent thing to bring up to them. though hopefully these resources can help you get started learning about this topic if you have the spoons/ability to do so.

we are no medical expert or research professional, but we are happy to talk more about our personal experience of being both autistic and a did system if anyone would be interested. best of luck to you, anon, with figuring this out. we know how confusing and challenging it can be!

[penny-the-pissed-poltergeist]

Hey! Figured I'd send in an ask since you had indicated you wanted some. With the company now defunct, it seems like a good time to reflect on RWBY and examine it more closely. As such, I wanted to ask what are your top three most favourite and least favourite parts of the show? It can be a character, a specific scene, a particular detail, anything you want. More importantly, why do you like/dislike those parts respectively?

things I liked

The Yang and Weiss reunion in VOL.5

"Your MOM kidnapped me! YOU KIDNAPPED HER" is still one of the (intentionally) funnest things in the show. The hug is just really cute and beautiful, I love how the home leitmotif is playing and it's main reason both me and many other people like freezerburn. (even if there is a platonic explanation if you're not a coward)

Ruby's character post VOL. 8

You can tell she's a good character because even when the writing is really bad she's still at least KINDA compelling, I genuinely enjoy her arc in VOL.9 despite how bad it makes her team look, before they stumble at the end at least (I don't blame that on it being rushed, ascension is just that fundamentally bad of a plot point)

even in shit like the JL movies she's still one of the characters I like having on my screen the most, I'm really glad she has officially left her era of barely doing anything important in her own show. she's one of my blorbos now because I relate to the whole not liking yourself thing

The vibes and world

the world of RWBY is such a unique setting, not quite fantasy, not quite sci fi, even a tiny bit superhero. No one else in fiction who looks and fights exactly like Ruby Rose or Weiss Schee or Pyrrha Nikos. The world felt so unique especially in the OG trailers

bonus round: Penny

OH MY GOD I LOVER HER SO MUCH AUTISTIC QUEEN HXHXAJHSA (that's it that's the whole entry)

Things I really didn't like

Jaune Arc

You know all that stuff I said about how unique the setting and character's are, yeah like ignore all of that. here's a generic white guy swordsman with a regular sword and shield who's is incompetent and has no powers in first 3 volumes and only exists to make unfunny jokes and get explained at by a character who's 5x more interesting than him, he's only here because they couldn't find a way to naturally drop exposition even though they literally in a school. He might as well have dropped in here from the real world after getting hit by a truck.

Then his (almost) GF dies and he's the only one allowed to morn her except Ruby like once, and then Jaune is given so much important screen time that he feels more like the main character then Ruby ever did and becomes a bully because angst. he finally becomes a character I can enjoy in VOL.7 and most of 8, before he kills Penny and my faith in his character along with it, he immediately gets like 5 other things to get traumatized by in the ever after and gets explained OFF SCREEN so you don't even get conflict from it. god that wasn't even everything, I'll stop now.

The white fang (or Fannus in general)

You can point out literally anything to do with this subplot and it would be offensive in some way. From animal people being race allegory by itself being sketchy at best to even Blake's mom's name being a slur in some contexts. People still try do defend it even though the WRITERS THEMSELVES admitting it was bad.

I think we should just stop trying to make truly divergent species direct race allegories, it's never worked

that one "Maybe you lost some brain cells along with that arm" scene

started with a good Yang scene, ending on a bad one. Oobleck is here (YIPPY) and Port too (god damn it) and they are joking about how funny that one time they put Qrow in a dress was because man in dress funny (ugh). So Yang gets some mediocre advice and gets insulted by the "maybe you lost some brain cells along with that arm" line and finds it funny. yes disabled people are allowed to make jokes about their own disability but there's a big difference between that and able bodied writers having an able bodied character make a joke at a disabled character's expense and saying the disabled person is fine with it. maybe I should be happy that they cut down on Yang's recovery arc if we were gonna get more of this, no matter how stupid that was.

Bonus: Coco

They really based one of their few gay characters on an IRL nazi and then made her predatory and sadistic in the not fun way...

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for being mad at my dad for getting married without telling me (and for learning this information by reading my mom's diary?)

My (20NB) parents got divorced when I was six, my brother and I stayed in our home country with our mom and my dad moved to the US. My mom always tried her best, but nevertheless she was... not a very good mom. She was always busy with work (raising two disabled kids by yourself isn't easy after all) so when she came home she was always tired and angry and would yell at us, break our toys, etc. She also had a very strict and discipline focoused parenting style which, combined with me being autistic and her finding that unacceptable, didn't make for a very happy experince growing up. She has worked on her issues a lot and we get along much better these days, but I still can't trust her with most things.

My dad is a diffrent story. He honestly can be very selfish and irresponsible a lot of the time. He was never around even when they were married, he didn't pay child support afterwards (even though he was financially in a much better situation than my mom), and also might have cheated on my mom at some point (I'm not sure?) He would come and visit us two or three times a year, and he was my favourite parent when I was a kid, because unlike my mom he was actually nice to us and would take us to the park and bring us nice toys and candy and stuff we couldn't find in our own country. But he also always had very high expectations of me and put me under a lot of pressure to sucseed, even though he never actually did his job as a parent and basically tried to buy our affection with vacations and gifts. We still keep in touch regularly, but I don't tell him anything important about my life.

Both of my parents also always had a habit of hiding important stuff from me. They didn't actually tell me they were getting a divorce until three years after it happened. They also never told me about the autism diagnosis I got when I was five, leaving me to find this out myself by digging through my medical records (I knew I was autistic beforehand, but didn't know I was already formally diagnosed.) There are many more examples, but these are the big two that come to mind. As a result I developed a habit of not trusting what my parents told me and always snooping around to try and find out yhings on my own. Recently I had an inkling that my dad might have gotten married in the US. There were a lot of signs: my dad at one point saying that his marital status "had nothing to do" with my mom, my mom constantly aluding to some sort of secret my dad was keeping, my dad calling someone on the phone when he was with us and using names like "love" and "sweetie" for that person... a few fays ago I was alone at home and saw my mom's diary, and even though I knew it was wrong, couldn't resist the urge to read it in search for some answer. And... yep. My dad's married. He's been married for more than a year, and my mom knew. He never bothered to bring it up for more than a year. And, frankly, I'm pissed. I'm so upset and angry. And I'm also angry at myself, because obviously my dad is allowed to marry whoever he wants and it's none of my business. But... he never told us. And I wish he had. I wish I had gotten a chance to meet or at least talk to his new wife, instead of getting this information suddenly dumped on my head like this. He never was a real dad, and yet he has such high expectations of me, to the point that I chose my major with only one goal to make him proud of me... and yet he couldn't care enough about me to mention once, in the past year, that he was married. And I feel extra horrible about myself because, like, I blatently ignored my mom's privacy by reading her diary. I don't know what to do, I feel like I can't trust anyone about anything anymore, and I don't know if I should tell anyone about the fact that I know this (or tell my brother about our dad being married). I just feel so full of hurt and rage, and I know I shouldn't feel like this cause I'm not entitled to my dad's life, and I know it's my own fault for readimg something I shouldn't have. So... am I the asshole?

What are these acronyms?

[lets-try-some-writing]

You asked for responses to your TFOne review so here it is. I’m autistic so forgive if things come off rude, I’m doing my best. Anywho.

Your bias shows incredibly clearly. To the point things you hate I love and it just makes it clear to me they’re down sides in your review simply because of your own opinions. It’s especially notable to me because while you sympathized and enjoyed D-16 and felt Orion was passive, I felt the opposite. I found myself having the least empathy for Megatron I’ve ever felt and feeling a new understanding for Optimus I didn’t have before. So aside from your takes on those two, I do agree with a lot of your points. The side characters aka B and Elita don’t make sense or need to be there like they were. The pacing was off and the story made a lot of concessions simply so things would go the way they wanted. They brute forced plot points into happening that don’t make sense. But in a vacuum I think it all works well. They draw on a lot of different influences and working together with those it’s their end goal becomes incredibly clear. Which for me works a lot! I enjoyed the film having such an obvious vision. There are many things I didn’t like about the film and even left the theater the first time unsatisfied with it. But after having seen it 4 times now, I’ve grown a lot happier with it. I think it’s something that needs getting used to. Which of course having to see a film several times to really “get it” is not great but well I like it now so my bad. I agree the elite guards existence is a bit dumb and contrived but I think I get their reason for being a bit more. In the end I’m not sure why I’m saying all this but to point out that your own personal bias has greatly affected what is otherwise a wonderfully put together review. Now you said as much so normally I wouldn’t point that out but I actually study film and journalism while trying to professionally review movies. I do that and while I’m not sure that’s what you were going for you certainly achieved it. Aside from the minor grievances I mentioned. So just if you were, I’d keep that in mind for the future. I hope you don’t come out of this ask thinking I disliked your review at all, really it’s stellar work and I respect it a lot. But it seems we really disagree on this film huh? Tis the beauty of art I guess. If you actually read this all, thanks!

I appreciate how honest you are with your assessment of my work! Thank you for giving your thoughts!

Personally, I wasn't aiming to write a bias free review because A) that sounds boring as crap. And B) I feel like half the fun of reading or watching a review is getting to see a bit of soul to the commentator. I take a lot of Inspiration from Schaffrillas Productions, The Critical Drinker, Cinemasins, Nerdrotic, and Pastra. And this is largely because I like having actual analysis mixed in with some personality when it comes to a film, especially fictional media. There is an arguable truth when it comes to historical media and film, but fictional stuff is designed to have opinions and differing views that vary from fan to fan. Hence, my review being chalk full of my personal takes.

I have my opinions and I am not shy about them lol. I prefer D-16, you prefer Orion Pax. Some people will die on the hill of Elita superiority, meanwhile I would prefer to throw her off the nearest cliff. Some folks think Sentinel is mid, and I think he's stunning. It's all cool. Honestly, I think one of the good things about TF One is that it gives enough leeway when it comes to our main duo for fans to love one or both of them. There's room to think and develop an opinion. It's so much fun seeing others and their ideas, even if I don't agree.

Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts! It was fascinating to read your opinion on my opinions. I adore this kind of discourse. Good luck with journalism! I know I personally lost my marbles trying to learn to do it in a professional manner.

[sweetmariihs2]

Cedric Masterlist update - and the search for the STF magazines 💫🎂

I have like. A whole notes file full of links I've been collecting to add to the Cedric masterlist, and at the same time I've bought and scanned around what, 7 stf magazines? That I own.

That's a part of the notes file that I have, there are more links (some of the links are from some of you guy's blogs, it's an honor to have them in my masterlist)

I want to add these links to my masterlist BUT I need to add the links to the magazines first, since we can't know for sure how many links a Tumblr post can support

That's A LIE since my masterlist has more than 100 links counted and they all still work

So since I'm prioritizing the links to the magazines I'm still going to put on Google drive (and the (money to buy) and hours I spent scanning each one of them), I can't add the links that I have collected my notes app because I don't know what's the link limit

Since not all the magazines that I bought has Cedric in them, some of them logically would be cut out of the masterlist, which would make things really messy cuz the most organized option would be to have all of them in the same place

So I'm thinking about making them a separate post and add a link to it in the Cedric masterlist instead.

BUT I CAN'T DO THAT YET

All of the magazines in brazillian portuguese that I found to buy on Google... I... already bought them... (they were three) and they're already scanned and in my hands muahaha

So the best places to search for the rest are, obviously, on the internet, and SHOCKINGLY, in person.

Because I live in a small brazillian town, I go to magazine stands since I was a little girl. In my town there were some, and you could find those official and unofficial magazines quarterly made, themed around characters such as Monster High, Strawberry Shortcake, Disney Princesses and of course Sofia The First

In that small town that I live in, unfortunately all the magazine stands changed a lot and they don't sell that stuff like they did some time ago. Now many are just street vendors. There were like, three of them in my town? When I tell you it's small, IT'S BECAUSE IT IS

And because it is small, when we (me and people from my town) want to go to better hospitals, consult with doctors, even shopping with a major variety of shops, we go to the neighboring town that's a little bit bigger than ours

AND SURPRISINGLY THE MAGAZINE STANDS THERE ARE STILL ALIVE AND SELLING REAL MAGAZINES

I guess a huge reason behind it is the interest that people are having in buying japanese mangas, and I'm seeing a lot of manga there, and because that town has a little more movement than mine, people are constantly passing through and buying, keeping those sellers' shops and the culture of reading on paper still alive

Whenever I go there, it's because I need to see a doctor, dentist, or rent dresses for a party or wedding, I never go just "to go". I'm autistic so I don't usually leave my town without one of my parents, I'm a little scared actually (help, I can't get used to my age) but I'm thinking about taking courage and trying at least once to being able to shop, without having to follow my parents everywhere they go or hearing complaints about them wanting to go home already. Because when I go with my parents to do something specific there, we can never go to places that I want to visit, like stores for example, except when they are on the way to the place we're going to, and it needs to be fast or else they're gonna start to rush me

The last time I went there, for an eye exam, there was a magazine stand near the doctor I went and I managed to find two STF magazines in the short 10 minutes I was there, with my eyes dilated with eye drops, that is, without seeing almost anything. There are five magazine stands there (I just looked through google maps) that I've never visited, even the one I went to and I couldn't look for the magazines properly because of my parents rushing me and my blurred vision. I actually made a post about my visit there and the magazines that I bought.

Furthermore, a friend of mine visited some stationery stores there and brought me as a gift a card of STF stickers, which I use in my sketchbook, and told me that she went to 5 stores and all of them had STF stuff, including more cards of stickers. I got a card that had some Sofias and a Fauna sticker on it, my friend told me that there are other cards with Flora and Merryweather that complete the set, the same with Amber, but she only brought me one as a gift she knew I would like. I really want to look at these stationery stores too, and find her other sisters to add them to my sketchbook 🥺

But yeah, going back to the subject, I still belive I didn't found all the available STF magazines in my region yet. As shocking as it may be, it's easier for me to find them in person than on the Internet, I'm lucky enough that my region has things like this, magazine stands that sell some really old stuff simply because no one bought them in 2015, and they are still there waiting to be bought.

As soon as I go there and FINALLY look everywhere I can (I'm 100% sure I'll find more magazine issues), and finally scan them, to finally make a post listing them, then I'll be able to add the link to the blog in my Cedric masterlist.

But I can't because I have to wait for a day when one of my parents has to go there, OR MAYBE, have a conversation with them and prepare myself to leave the city alone for the first time, and it would have to be on a day when I don't have classes to go to, plus I want to call a friend so I won't have to go completely alone. WAIT THIS WEEK I HAVE IT, IT'S TOMORROW, SHOULD I?

I think it's very close and I won't be able to prepare properly, plus I would have to talk to my parents first and schedule everything with my friend. I don't think it will happen tomorrow. I think the best thing to do is wait for my parents to have something or work to do there, and take a few minutes out of their visit to go to some magazine stands and stationery stores. I can go alone but I never did this before HELP it's one hour away 😭

I'll ask if my mother if she would like to go there just to do some shopping and spend some time together, she sometimes likes to go and buy some things there, we'll see

Telling you all this may make this masterlist and magazine thing seem like a lot of work, but I actually love doing it, it's therapeutic

live laugh love hyperfocus ❤️

Edit: I forgot to add something to this post so I made a part two.

[ecofear]

Hi!! Do you have any advice for someone who wants to get into the pathfinder games? I tried playing rogue trader (you inspired me too!) but it was my first time trying this series and lore so i knew nothing, its a fun game but got super overwhelming FAST i was wondering perhaps its not beginner friendly and there is a better eay to go about this? Thank uuu!!

ok so pathfinder is incredibly complicated as a system in tabletop. pathfinder players are the most autistic people ever and i mean this entirely as a compliment. and owlcat games really understood this, and made kingmaker and wotr (especially wotr) very autistic games - in that they are very complicated in terms of builds and making them.

it can be remarkably overwhelming. it really bad. you can easily make a weak character, if you're not careful. so if i were to recommend a way to be beginner friendly...?

play on the easiest difficulty. 100%. just drop that shit right now.

if you want to multiclass, follow a guide. the best guides are on youtube, but someone has translated some of them to a steam guide here. if you do prefer youtube, cRPGBro is king here.

kingmaker does not have access to this, unfortunately, but wotr does. toybox. toybox is a mod, to put it lightly, that is made in collaboration with owlcat games. it is full of cheats and tweaks and all sorts. it is like a dream come true for an rpg, to the point i miss it immensely when playing other games. you can use this for all sorts of things, but in this context, you can make the game much easier and much more manageable. iirc, i always use the cheat that lets me grab ALL loot when leaving a map/zone, so i don't have to panic worry about looting everything, finding all the secrets, etc. you can use it for things as simple as levelling up more than you should so you get stronger! it really will let you do whatever you want, for reals.

in terms of keeping up with lore.... here's a wiki page for the wrath of the righteous campaign. as in.. the books! there's a lot of them! it's an immensely detailed campaign. you can use this to read through books if you want, gather pieces of lore from here. but the video game itself is designed to make sure you do not need to do this. however... here is a brief history of the world wotr is set in video. you can find other videos like this on youtube!

and ofc, the same for kingmaker. which is equally as detailed and Full.

neither of these games follow each other, they're entirely different campaigns, there is no connection. you do not need to play kingmaker first. in terms of actual games... kingmaker is weaker, simply because it was the first, and wotr has smoothed out a lot of kingmakers problems, but i really do love kingmaker (i played it first, and got quite attached to some characters). i do recommend both. but like with any tabletop game adaption... there's a lot of stuff to shove in there. even bg3 is the same, except it purposefully ignores some lore and leaves some parts of the game feeling somewhat empty because you don't know the full story - but bg3 is also very homebrew, very larians own thing. owlcats better at sticking to the lore and the stories they've been given.

you're going to not know shit sometimes, and that's okay. just breathe, enjoy yourself, focus on the characters and the fun stuff going on around you, take your time with the extended lore. it's ok not to know who all the gods are and what everyone is referencing. go google that stuff if you really, really care. otherwise - be content in not knowing shit. hell, maybe roleplay a character who doesn't know shit too! might help ^_^

anyway i hope some of this is helpful to you at least lksdfjksdflgfdg