#at least i have my heart meds because i still take those sometimes

[danielnelsen]

a week ago i might have said i feel mostly ok, just a little off, but i am Suffering now. why can’t graves’ disease have fun symptoms like……………idk i can’t think of anything.

[creepswrites]

Hi, I just read your hcs about reader struggling with anxiety and depression, it was really great! I am also sorry you're going through tough times rn, I really really hope you'll feel better soon. Tbh I've been going through something myself and reading the Sinclair brothers' hcs, it reminded me of an idea I've wanted to eequest for a long while. I would like to request for the Siclair brothers (separately) x gn!reader headcanons where the reader struggles with mental health issues, but since they don't really leave Ambrose they can't get to their medication. How would they approach the brothers about it, would they hide it, how would the brothers react, you know.

Of course you can work on this when you feel like it, if you're not feeling like it with what's going on in your life. Or scrap the idea altogether, or add whoever you want. Thank you so much for letting me get my thoughts out tho <3 You are valid. You are loved. You are seen.

thank you for the kind wishes, i do appreciate it :) i tried to keep this relatively inclusive as to what exactly reader is suffering from but some stuff may be a lil specific. and don't worry, writing helps distract me so i'm happy to do this <3

SINCLAIR BROTHERS x GN! READER WHO NEEDS THEIR MEDICATION

BO SINCLAIR

You absolutely tried to hide it at first. How could you not?

Bo wasn't exactly... understanding about that kind of thing

I mean, you've seen how he acts with Vincent sometimes and thats his own brother. You don't want to imagine how he'd treat you if he knew...

But you knew the longer you went without your prescriptions, the more difficult things would get

It started small. Your moods would change randomly and very drastically - one extreme to another or you'd have trouble sleeping or oversleeping or - your least favorite - you'd lash out at one of the brothers for seemingly nothing

Bo noticed. He didn't say anything about it because he assumed that, if it was that important, you'd tell him

So when you had a full on meltdown on the kitchen floor one afternoon, he was blindsided

He had no idea it'd gotten this bad and, unfortunately, his first reaction was to get mad at you. He yelled at you, tried to get you to pull yourself together. After all, if you had been suffering, you would've told him! Right...?

It's not until your crying abruptly stops that he realizes he fucked up. You shut down on him, near catatonic as he tries to apologize

He's scared. And when he's scared, he lashes out. You know that. It still doesn't make it hurt less

The brothers agree that there needs to be regular trips made so you can get your medication. Lester offers to take you since he's the one who goes to town the most anyways

You and Bo get into an argument about it once or twice because he doesn't understand why you wouldn't tell him

His heart breaks a little when you tell him you didn't think he'd believe you or would look at you differently for it

He reassures you that no, never. He totally understands the moodswings, the angry episodes you have, those things

Once you're on your meds again, you two promise that if anything major like this happens for either of you, that you can always lean on each other

Bo takes time getting there but he grows to understand you and figure out how best to help you!

VINCENT SINCLAIR

You tell Vincent pretty early on that you need medication

While you don't give him many specifics as to why, you tell him that life will be better for all of you if you keep taking them

At first he's a little apprehensive of letting you go into town so Bo goes with you to pick it up

Not because he doesn't believe you! But because he's scared you're still trying to escape

He wants to know what they're for so he's not above snooping around to read the labels

(You'd tell him if he asked but he didn't know that)

The amount you take surprises him and he tries to think about what you're like off them, in a morbidly curious way

He is, however, insistent that you're taking them consistently and without interruption. Vince makes sure you take them every day and gets on his brother's cases if they give you a hard time about it

They're not cures though. You both find that out the hard way when he finds you trembling in the corner of his shop like you were in freezing weather. The panic attack was violent and took you by surprise but Vincent holds steady

He sits with you, humming soft melodies to try and ground you

When you're ready, he hugs you and you just break down into tears. You'd never wanted him to have to see you like this, you don't want him to think you're some fragile china doll who can't take care of themself

But he would never see you like that. You explain that, while the meds make them less frequent, you're not cured completely

Things will slip through the cracks sometimes and that's okay! He'll always be there when you need him

When he catches you scratching yourself anxiously, he buys you gloves and makes sure you keep your nails short

He catches you picking at your face and gets you small bandages you can place over the spots so you don't obsessively pick

Vincent is always doing little things to try and improve your quality of life, even if you're taking medication!

LESTER SINCLAIR

You don't really tell him but you also don't hide it from him either

He notices you taking pills every morning and every night and is able to put two and two together

Probably asks you what they're for once you two have been dating for a bit but it doesn't really change much in your relationship

He's relatively chill about it though and offers to take you into town to pick up your meds

Likes to hoard pills for you so you never run out - it's an irrational fear of his but you think its sweet

Whenever you get sad, Jonesy and Lester are both right there to comfort you however you need

Sometimes, when the bad thoughts get too loud, Lester catches you staring vacantly into the bathroom mirror or out windows and he worries

One night you wandered out into the woods, barefoot and freezing, just because you felt so out of touch with your own body

Everything felt fake and floaty and you just needed to be out somewhere harsh and grounding and real

You love Lester, you really do, but there, in the forest all alone, all you could think about was how empty you felt

He finds you early the next morning and he was clearly worried sick, still in his sleep clothes with just a flashlight and an anxious Jonesy

Once at home and warm from your shower, he pleads with you to talk to him about it

You finally spill about how you've felt completely dissociated from yourself, even with all the meds you're taking, and it just got to be too much

He gives you a hug and you both agree to try and find other ways to shock you back to reality that don't involve you wandering into the forest at night

Turns out, an ice cube on the back of the neck works wonders to snap you out of whatever stupor you've found yourself in!

Lester is as involved with it as you'd let him. Never ashamed or afraid to lend you a hand with anything!

[gothicflowers]

Listen, Alex has been consuming my brain for weeks. It’s a whole issue (it’s not an issue, I love it really). So can I get something that’s maybe a little darker with him? Doesn’t have to be too dark, just maybe showing that side that isn’t the golden retriever we all love. Maybe a little more of that something that makes him such a good CIA operative.

Something protective/possessive perhaps? Can be NSFW or not, totally up to you.

Also, I hope you’re doing well! I know what it’s like to just need a distraction and get out of your head for a bit 💙

(MDNI +18)

Sorry this took me forever but I’ve been fighting waves of ADHD paralysis that even my meds cant fight. And I’m doing a little better, not fully healthy but I’m getting there❤️

ALEX KELLER IS A GOLDEN RETRIEVER.

At least that’s what he lets you see.

Because he doesn’t want you to know how dark and dirty he can be. Your family is fully convinced that he is the perfect man, which he truly is. Always getting you flowers and planning dates or small getaways. You clearly won the lottery with Alex. You see Alex as a night in shining armor, a kiss from the stars.

But Alex sees you as the dusk sky, beautiful colors that light up the sky before the light disappears. Soft delicate hands to hold, no blood or dirt under your nails. Your voice is the crackling of a fireplace in deep December snow that warms his soul. You’re the flower that blooms from the spring frost after he tills the ground with his bare hands.

Alex has fought for too long and shed too much blood in the name of justice and peace for anything to take away the one pure thing the universe owes him. You.

But sometimes dispute all his training and good intentions you see small glimmers of what Alex could be if he didn’t keep himself in check. Sometimes it’s in the way you end up bent over the counter with his fingers laced tightly in your hair as he rants on about this little bitchy attitude you’ve had since you woke up. He knows you love it and it feeds a dark pit of control that burns for you. Every thrust making you gasp. All Alex can grunt out of his gritting teeth is MINE. MINE. MINE. And is he gonna let you come? No. Not unless your pretty little eyes are welling with lust and love filled tears begging to cum. He’ll eventually let go of your hair and hold you by the jaw and let you confess that you just needed some dick, and he’s the only one that can satisfy your craving. Such a sweet thing, such perfection, so delicate.

Alex doesn’t mind letting other guys how possessive he can get. He didn’t like that guy that keep trying to dance with you at the bar. It’s surely a coincidence that guy slipped and hit his head on the sink. Other times it’s simply staring them down with a look that even Simon wouldn’t mess with.

When your ex tried to weasel their way back into your heart they abruptly stopped. They sent flowers, chocolates, jewelry, everything they could think of to win you back. You figured they finally got the message that you didn’t want them. But in reality your ex came home to a large envelope packed full of evidence of everything they’ve ever done, things you never knew about. Paired with a simple note “leave what is mine alone or else”.

Alex never wants you to know about what he truly does. Would you ever hold his hand again knowing how blood stained they are? Would those soft lips still say I love you? Despite his pure intentions he knows not all of his orders he’s been given were good. So he just tells you he works in surveillance. It eases your mind thinking he’s hiding on a roof somewhere, not down in a gunfight.

When he comes home after an extended time away you’re distraught with worry that he lost his leg. You will die never knowing the truth about what went down that day.

It’s not always that he wants to keep you in the dark, but sometimes it’s just truly classified information that you can’t know. And shouldn’t, it would give you nightmares. This man could rewrite history books if he shared what he knows.

Alex keeps hidden security cameras around the house. You don’t even realize they’re installed. He’s got extensive knowledge of technology and he used it to his advantage. He’s very good about keeping you a secret from his job but sometimes on those late nights he just needs to see you sleeping peacefully at home. And yes there is a tracker on your phone. Can’t lose track of his sweet little angel.

Everyone highly underestimates him. Too soft hearted, too eager, too naïve. The way his eyes darken and chest heaves as he stands covered in someone else’s blood shocks a room of experienced soldiers. A version of a man they rarely see, a version of a man you don’t know. Yet that version of him is who checks the house when he hear something at night. The version who corrects people who speak to you rudely. The version that growls in your ear from behind as your bodies tangle. The version who got rid of all of your problems. The Alex that will pull the earth apart and unleash hell to create a heaven on earth for you alone.

Alex is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

[gloria5413]

MY Least Favorite stereotypes of the Ilvermorny Houses

Pukwudgie:

I don’t like the idea that they carry around med-kits. That just stereotypes them way too much. It feels like it’s the older Pukwudgies giving tips to younger students on what herbs, teas, healing spells. Older students would also help with mental health exercises and how to deal with different triggers. Not all healers have to be in the medical field, maybe they are good at emotional healing, helping other students with their mental health because they understand their own mental struggles. It could be small things like reminding their friends to eat, take a break, drink some water. They are probably better emotionally healing because their house represents the heart. But just because they represent the heart doesn’t mean they won’t beat down anyone who threatens their loved ones. Ruled by the heart they follow emotion/feelings more than logic. They are protective, might have anger issues, and might even have a self-defensive or fight club. They probably know the signs of someone who is suicidal or on the verge of having a mental breakdown.

Wampus:

Most people think of them as the big dumb jocks who hit first and ask questions later, but this is not the case. The stereotype is that you might envision them with huge muscle and amazing at athletics. As J.K Rowling stated Jacob would be in the wampus house. Even though he is chubby, pudgy, not the fastest or the strongest. To be a warrior you need to be brave, but being brave doesn’t mean having no fears. They get knocked down all the time, and even though they are tired they keep trying. Because sometimes you fight not because you think you can win, but because you need to be able to look back later and say that you fought, and that you tried. There are different ways you can be a warrior; it doesn’t always mean you’re in combat. Sometimes being a warrior means to fight against your own doubts, insecurities, and demons that plague your soul.  

Thunderbird:

Their whole stereotype is that they are restless wanderers, always looking for the next adventure to fulfill their high. But having the soul of an adventure can be interpreted in many ways. For most thunderbirds it can be trying out a new coffee shop down the street, doing to a local food festival within their own town. It doesn’t always have to mean you’re traveling across the world, spending money to do extravagant things. It could just be taking baby steps to expand their introverted lifestyle. It means having the simple courage to try new things and be open to new experiences. They are more like daydreamers who encourage each other to try different things without breaking boundaries. Thunderbirds are very Intune with their emotions are likely to trust their gut/intuition which leads to them exploring a different way of doing things. Many have the mindset to take what resonates and to leave the rest.  

Horned Serpent:

Since their house favors scholars many think they are just stuck-up book worms which further from the case. They may not necessarily be studious, but they love to learn. Some of them might have some learning difficulties such (ADD, ADHD, dyslexia, math dyslexia). Others gifted burnout kids that still get great grades because they can hack the tests and guess well. Some of them might love learning but hate school because it adds unnecessary stress to their mental health. But they are eager to learn about different places, ideas, aspects and concepts. They want to learn by real world applications more than books, they want the freedom to make mistakes and instead of getting penalized they are able to learn and grow as a person, that way they can pass on their knowledge to others. Being a horned serpent, they are most likely to also be street smart as well as book smart and by Combining the two it helps them and those around them succeed.

Written by Gloria.T.P

[anexperimentallife]

Life/Health Update

The thing we've been most worried about is the damage to my heart from COVID and anti-inflammatories. BP has been slowly going down over the past few months, so that would seem to indicate that at least SOME of the damage to my heart is healing. Let's hope. Need to get all those tests done again to know for sure, but for now they've taken me off one of my BP meds, so that's promising. (This was the main thing we were considering trying to get back to the states for, so I could use my medical benefits.) The rest of the stuff impacts quality of life, but isn't directly life-threatening, so if the other issues have to wait, they have to wait.

The hole in my throat still needs closed up. That will probably be the priority once we get my mouth issues (below) sorted. This one is kind of dangerous, as food, medication, and liquids often get stuck in there, and can throw off med dosages and sometimes cause me to choke. Been lucky so far, I guess.

One place in my jaw still pokes through inside, and another is threatening to. If those places don't start reabsorbing within the next few days, they'll have to open up the inside of my mouth AGAIN to file them down. So I'm gumming my food for at least another eight weeks before we can do anything about new teeth.

We're able to get the eye drops that take down the swelling in my retina fairly regularly now, so here's hoping that if I keep using them for three more months they'll have some kind of permanent effect. Probably still need surgery on that eye, though. Sucks that this happened to my formerly good eye--it used to have 20/10 vision. Temperature seems to play a role in the amount of fun-house-mirror-vision, but we live in the tropics, so not much to do about that. (We live in the mountains, so it's not as bad as the lowlands, but AC is rare up here.)

I don't think the cataract in the other eye has gotten too much worse, but that's obviously going to need surgery eventually, as well. If I can come out of this with one good eye, I'll consider myself lucky.

Brain fog (combination of long COVID, ADHD, Autism, and a traumatic brain injury) is still bad, but not as bad as it was. Nothing to do about that but wait.

My spine injuries are still an issue, with occasionally arm cramping/paralysis that used to be JUST in my right arm, but now sometimes spreads to my left. At least the cramping keeps the muscles toned? (Trying to look at the bright side here.) Neck exercises and stretching help with that, as does ice. (I mean, yeah, there's the constant pain, too, but that's the least of my concerns.)

Still need that second foot surgery, because the cauterization didn’t completely take from the last one; not only am I open for another infection (like the two-year one that an infectious disease specialist finally cleared up for me), but walking is pretty painful, too, even if I’m not talking about joint injuries.

Joint injuries... Hoo boy. Definitely gonna need a hip replacement eventually, and probably both knees.

I have chronic fatigue now, plus every pre-existing condition and old injury I had has been exacerbated by long COVID. It sucks. My stamina is improving little by little, though.

Treatment for all of the medical stuff has to wait for one thing at a time to be affordable. My health was stable until COVID, but now... Damn. Unfortunately, COVID came around around the time we found out we were having a baby, and four bouts of COVID have left my health completely fucked and exacerbated all my old injuries.

(If you're new here, you may not know that the licensing contract to convert some of my old fiction to a game--which, fortunately, did not count as "work income" for social security purposes--got canceled just weeks after El was born, meaning our income dropped way down, and that a snafu with Eleanor's birth certificate made her stateless, which took every bit of our savings plus the proceeds from a fundraiser to correct. If not for the combo of COVID and El's birth certificate snafu, we'd be fine both medically and financially.)

I'm working on plotting out more Quiet World and Alex And stuff, which I'll be shopping around, but frankly, even if it sells, it probably won't be much. (If you were here in 2013, you may remember that I had just started to have success selling my fiction to pro markets when my sons died, which threw me for a loop for several years, so I have to start over building a reputation.)

We've considered a move back to the US to use my medical benefits, but a) that'd be expensive af, and b) the US may be on the edge of becoming a military dictatorship, so even if we had the money for it, we'd want to wait to see what November holds.

So yeah, that's what's been going on with my health and our finances. As always, @thesurestthing and Baby El bring me joy, and my sort-of-adopted niece @geniussheepworld is a great help to all of us.

With so many people in the world suffering so much, I am reluctant to post a funding link. We are MOSTLY financially stable--it's just that we have to save up for my medical stuff while we work to finish paying off about 11K USD of debt from El's paperwork thing and all the medical whammies (and thank you to everyone who has helped already)--but if you want to help with that, the best link is either our paypal donation link or Ko-Fi.

[awaitingfall]

07.14.24

Wasn’t planning on posting today, but I’m starting to feel a little anxious so maybe writing it out will help.

I feel like something’s been going on with my heart. It beats so fast and so hard at random times throughout the day. Well it might not be random because I feel like it happens after I eat certain foods like carbs, and then maybe after a long day of not being too active it starts to beat like that in the evening. Or also when I’m having bad stomach cramping, which happened this morning again. But also just walking up a flight of stairs. I live on the 3rd floor of my apartment building and I walk up and down them everyday, you’d think my body would get used to it by now? But I literally have to stop before the last flight and just chill for a few seconds before I finish. And it’s not like I’m incredibly out of shape or anything.

I’ve only noticed it get this bad in the past few months, but I’ve definitely had a faster heart rate almost all my adult life. I don’t really remember the POUNDING heart ever being an issue other than after I’ve done something super active. Part of me feels like it could be from my neighbor’s cigarette smoke getting into our apartment and breathing that in whenever we’re home. Most times when we come home it REAKS of cigarettes. All I want is to have my own space away from other people’s bullshit but I don’t have enough money for a down payment on a house 😭 Anyways, I really don’t know what else it could be from. Maybe my meds are starting to affect me, but I’ve been on the same ones for years now, nothing’s changed. Although, now that I think of it, I used to take my anxiety meds at night before bed until I realized that I would get a pounding heart when I was just laying in bed trying to fall asleep. So I looked it up and that is one of the side effects of the med…shit, maybe that has a lot to do with it since switching to taking it in the morning. Damn I would’ve never thought about that if I didn’t right all this out, SEE writing out my problems DOES help sometimes! 🥲 Regardless, I could probably work on my cardio to help strengthen my heart, but I feel like that’s not fully addressing the issue. I see my doctor at the end of the month and I’m going to ask her to refer me to a cardiologist so they can run tests. I’m only worried because my grandfather died from heart related issues, although he didn’t have those problems until he was older. I just want to be careful and take care of myself as best as possible, especially while I’m still young.

I’m sure my anxiety doesn’t help with the rapid heart rate. I’m sure it just makes it worse once I start worrying about it.

I really want to be off of all of my meds. I feel like starting birth control is the reason I began having thyroid issues and made my anxiety worse. But I’ve been on birth control for 10 years now and I’m scared of how my body is going to react to stopping it 😰 If anyone has had any experience with stopping birth control can you comment or send me a message about how that went (would be even better if it was the Kariva brand). I feel like I hear so much negative stuff and I’m worried if I stop it it’s going to uproot my entire life. I did have fairly painful periods before BC and my job is very active, I feel like I’d have to ask off at least 3 days/month just to rest, but I’m also the fucking anchor holding everything down at my job and the only one who can work the press so no actual orders would get done for 3 days and my boss would not be about that 😭

Idk, just a lot to overthink about. But hopefully since I wrote it out here it won’t keep me up all night and I can have a peaceful sleep 😌

I’m just going to start fresh tomorrow. Wake up at 5am, start with a guided meditation sitting up in bed, drink some water and take my meds, then go upstairs and get a nice well-rounded workout in. My breakfast will be scrambled eggs with kimchi, spinach and feta cheese on some sourdough toast. Then I’ll prep my lunch and dinner which will both be plain Greek yogurt with some of that farm-fresh honey I just picked up today and a goji berry trail mix on top. And then I’ll spend the evening reading.

I just can’t let my boss stress me out tomorrow. The fact that he’s back in the shop for 2 months just makes me want to quit, but I know I’m stronger than that and can’t let a random human being affect my mental health like that. I shouldn’t let anything affect my mental health, unless it’s in a positive way 😤

[werewolf-femboy-maid]

Day ??? of being a violent angry idiot :"(

Eh I was violent again and apparently me and my so enable each other :") at the very least I wasn't super violent and I did at least some push ups to help with the tension release

I really am grateful for myself for even trying still

I'm doing better with my parents and I'm very grateful for that. Yes I inherited my worst traits from them, but I see the human in them for that.

And as the days go by, I have been improving in reducing damage

I hate meds so much I hate the way they turn me into a puppet. I'll try meds one more time but knowing what I know, I probably just need the regenerative farming produce.

Dark leafy greens and citrus are your best friends.

There is so much to be rediscovered and discovered.

Of course I'm not saying don't take your meds esp if you're already on them. Like I don't have ocd but I know life is a lot worse without meds with ocd.

Which makes me more desperate for answers.

Where are these chemicals generated, and how?

Stim break because I'm very sad and tense and I need to love myself

Life is already so hard, please don't make it harder for yourself </3

The sadness never ends, but neither does the joy.

w a t e r

(I'm thirsty lol)

*CRONCH*

Nothing will ever be the same again, for better or worse.

Flowers and plants smell so good :) sometimes I wonder if the apple feels pain when I bite it. Is it still alive in itself after long being away from the tree?

A meal with a loved one is one of the only things that really matter. Cherish your mother.

It bleeds because it loves.

I know it hurts so so much. I know how desperately you wish the flames would stop. I know you don't want to hurt people. It hurts so much and I love you so much more for trying at all. You're so much more loved than you're comfortable with.

Making mistakes is how we learn.

Making mistakes is how we learn.

Making mistakes is how we learn.

Making mistakes is how we learn.

Making mistakes is how we learn.

So how do we heal?

I guess I have to forgive myself again for making the same mistake.

I did give myself credit for being less problematic this time. But I still feel bad.

I guess that's also a lame aspect of being human and traumatized. Idk :/ I also have a REALLY bad ego problem, and very very little impulse control.

Not a good combo, guys. :/

But yknow part of the healing process is learning to deal with the shame, the guilt, giving myself the time to undo the patterns my poor brain has grown accustomed to.

Oh my poor head.

Bttw after only two minutes of angry screaming, your body needs 7 WHOLE HOURS to recover hormonally. And your immune system suffers badly during those 7 hours too.

Stress probably causes cancer and heart disease, guys. I'm going to die early and not see my potential grand babies if I keep this shit up.

I must continue in my healing journey despite the horrors.

Oh my god what a day

It was actually a nice day

I learned a lot and relaxed and actually applied to part time job for the first time this year :) my friend helped me a lot and I can never appreciate her enough <3

God what a day tho

Hey god, if you're real, I'm really sorry for talking shit to you and about you because of all these human religions and my own selfishness and pain.

I cannot imagine what it's like. I wonder.

What horrors have you seen? What horrors are you capable of? What joy have you experienced?

To feel. To be.

The constant stream of consciousness.

Well I'm gonna play ponytown and or show off my ponies in another post. Until next time, my dears. These are hard times, so you should not be hard on yourself unless it's lovingly and healthily. Goodnight and stay safe <3

[king-minyard]

Hey hope it's okay to comment on your recent vent post, feel free to ignore if not - would you personally recommend going on adhd meds? Your post conceptually resonated with me because my fear is that everything will be so much better on the meds than off that I won't want or be able to stop taking them

Omg hi !!! No worries, I love asks! <3

ADHD meds helped me a lot, personally. I did a lot of healing and found time management and organization strategies that worked for me before starting them, and those tools became better and easier to use after I was medicated.

I am, however, a very small person and, apparently, very affected by the lowest amount of meds. The ADHD meds that worked for me are stimulants, which I am sensitive to. I had to go through several to find one that didn't give me heart palpitations!

That being said, it was easier to find the motivation to do things after I got medicated. The skills and coping mechanisms I developed before worked so much better, and they didn't take nearly as much energy!

My grades rose, my self esteem rose, my anxiety (which was directly related to my lack of time management and failure to be organized) lessened, I could make appointments without worrying about missing them, I could go to classes on time, and I could do my homework the week it was assigned instead of on the day of or not at all. I was journaling more, going outside more, remembering to eat, remembering to sleep, and taking care of myself better.

Again, I was medicated after I'd already been found ways to cope and adapt that worked for me, and all meds did was make using those tools easier.

I can see why you would be scared. Experiencing life as it was after experiencing it as it could be is like flying for the first time and then being put back into a cage. It sucks!

That being said, you're still able to stop. I've tried going without my meds sometimes for months, and I feel the same every time. The issue is not in whether or not you can live without meds - after all, you're here! The issue is in knowing that it could be so much easier. That it doesn't have to be like this.

I recommend trying it. The worst that can happen is that it doesn't work or doesn't make anything better. It would hurt to get your hopes up and have it not turn out well, but at least you tried, and that's something to be proud of doing.

[soursturniolo]

any advice on writing a character with mental health struggles?

do your research, don’t just base everything off of common known stereotypes. I think writing it comes easiest when you’re writing about a struggle you yourself have faced, at least that’s how it’s been for me in past fandoms I’ve been in writing fics with mental health themes. I haven’t written any of those for the triplets yet.

for me, writing about a character or reader with anxiety or depression comes easiest, because I live with those two diagnoses and have off and on since I was 16. I can give you some pointers on those two, but keep in mind depression and anxiety can look very different for everyone.

Tw below: descriptions of depression and anxiety

for me, depression comes and goes. There are days, weeks, sometimes months go by and I’m perfectly fine, not feeling depressed at all. and then there are times when it hits me like a semi truck. There’s different severities with it too. Sometimes it doesn’t hit hard, I just feel numb and bland and it’s like all the colors of the world are muted. Other times it hits and it’s hard to get out of bed. It’s hard to do basic human things like shower or eat or brush my teeth because I’m so fucking tired. There has been occasions where it’s even been worse than that, I’m not going to speak on those times, but I think you can probably pick up on where it’s gone during those super dark times.

anxiety is something that for me is always there, just at different intensities. sometimes it’s pretty quiet, just like a whisper here and there I can ignore easily and redirect my thoughts. Other times it can be all consuming. It makes me nervous and irritable and makes it feel like my hearts in my throat. I just think of all the worse case scenarios on a loop and worry about the past and the future and shit that I know logically won’t happen but my brain says they could so I freak out. I think of mistakes I’ve made or shit I wish I had done differently and it’s really hard to get out of that place. There are physical symptoms too, like developing ulcers, headaches.

people cope differently with mental health stuff. Some people manage fine on their own. Others go to therapy. Some take medication. For me, it’s a combination of all of that. I have coping skills I rely on, I have a therapist I see regularly still, and I take meds that help my brain work properly. I still have some bad days here and there, but for the most part it’s managed well.

I’ll also take this time to say if anyone is reading this and going through mental health struggles, pls know there’s help out there for you. People care, people love you, you matter, and you deserve to get better. My ask and messages are always open.

[jodilin65]

So Tom thinks you should be able to move to another country. This is when I asked him what he thought of the immigration situation which I do not support. He has a point but I think there should be limits. Too much is simply too much. We only have so many jobs, doctors, and housing here.

Slept horribly again. Strange sounds woke me up that Tom said he didn’t hear, then I had to get up and pee, and then I couldn’t breathe out of my nose because part of my nose strip came off. Tom swore he didn’t hear any loud bangs and he checked the camera for the time I thought I heard a loud engine of some kind and didn’t see anything. He told me the other day when he was napping that he could have sworn he heard someone knocking on the door, got up and checked, but no one was there. Then he checked the camera to see if he missed anyone and he didn’t. So I guess that sometimes these things are in our dreams. I swear whatever is up there is hell-bent on doing whatever it can to fuck with my sleep!

Well, I can’t fight back against the imagined sounds, the occasional nightmares, or the screaming bladder, but I’m now pretty sure that my nose - which is getting stuffier by the minute - is because of the losartan. It makes no sense that after being here for over two years, I would develop allergies like this or that it would be from the rat even though she’s close to the bedrooms when we had two to four rats in the other place and I didn’t have this problem. The only animals I’m allergic to are cats and they affect my lungs, not my nose. So I think the losartan is responsible for the stuffiness and the snoring as well, which also started around the same time.

It’s not dangerous to stop BP meds for a while and couldn’t cause the problems that stopping my thyroid meds would cause so I’m going to hopefully have an answer within a few days to a week, according to my research. I might have to try something else or not take anything and really watch my sodium intake and hope I don’t get kidney damage from the high blood pressure if I’m not able to get the weight off, or if I am and it doesn’t help. Not everyone with high blood pressure gets kidney damage, though, just like not everyone with high cholesterol has a heart attack, and not all fat people become diabetic. There’s just an increased risk, but not a guarantee.

I still expect to have some fatigue because my thyroid still isn’t perfect and I’m still older but I’m pretty sure I never had sleep apnea. Dozed for an hour earlier which helped a bit but I’m still quite exhausted. I’m very grateful for speech-to-text because sitting up typing all this would be a bit of a drag on those really tired days.

Sleep was horrible, as I said. I had to have woken up at least half a dozen times and one of the times it was hard to get back to sleep. First I thought I heard or at least felt a couple of thumps, then a loud engine, then I had to pee, then it was my nose, and then I had an awful dream about getting ready to move back to my home state with my parents. I didn’t know Tom in the dream. I’m not sure where my parents and I were living but we weren’t living together at the time. They were in the process of looking for a place up north for the three of us and I made them a tearful video trying to explain my sleep disorder to them, knowing they wouldn’t get it.

As for the diet, I was horribly hungry and tired yesterday, so I’m going to take today off as Tom suggested and then rethink how I’m going to approach it from there. I can definitely say that 1200 calories is too low for me in this day and age. It takes more calories for me to feel good than when I was younger. So if I feel comfortable with 1600 calories a day as I usually do, that’s probably what my body needs. Besides, I’m not that big so there’s no point in being obsessed over my weight other than in Andy’s imagination, lol. The question is what direction do I want to go? Do I want to add 100 calories at a time until I feel better but might still be able to lose weight, or start at something like 1500 a day and deduct 100 calories at a time till I’m not feeling as good and adjust from there?

It might rain today. This is definitely the wettest winter since we’ve been here. Seems a bit colder too but if there’s any good in it it’s that it’s keeping the honker off his motorcycle more often.

I was in the bathroom in the evening when I heard those dogs going off and I swear they sounded like they were in the field behind the house. Then the barking quickly faded away as if they ran around the corner of a building which makes me think even more that they’re behind us and not coming from that subdivision. Because sounds travel easier in cooler weather they were almost to the point of being annoying.

[vamptastic]

I haven't sent you a message like this before.

I wish it were under better circumstances.

Wow, that sounded ominous. Okay, what I mean is that it sounds like you had a rotten morning, and I'm sorry about that. You unwittingly slammed face-first into one of the more tangible weeping wounds in trans femininity, which is how raw it often feels to see anything that appears to doubt or question a trans woman's lived first-person experience.

I'm a trans woman. I understand. After a lifetime of being told "you're sick," then "you're not this way" then "you might be this way but that's sick and you're wrong" and then "fine, we'll treat you, but you're still wrong about everything you report because we have an NIH study from 1973 about chemically castrated prisoners and that's a lot more important than what you say," there is a great deal of sensitivity. Sometimes it almost is pathological- innocuous words take on malevolent shadows just because being a trans woman so often means a state of heart-tight vigilance even among friends.

Being trans femme, also, is one of the worst of intersectional misogynies: You aren't believed about anything and that includes being a woman except you also are dismissed and belittled because you're a woman or at least Not A Man.

But I also could see plainly you were speaking in terms of scientific equivocation, the way an aeronautical engineer would correct a colleague and say, Well, Bill, technically, gravity is just a theory, so we better had approach it that way instead of expecting this to be the same through that wormhole when we bolt on those nacelles.

No matter what, you also phrased things in a way that was without hostility and showed no bad faith.

Moreover, you're literally just some dude on the internet who does not deserve to be made scapegoat for the ten thousand asshole parents, doctors, cops, bureaucrats, and dumbfuck checkout clerks who keep calling a woman with an Instagirl body and a pretty-passing face in full makeup sir because of the name on a debit card.

Nothing excuses any abuse you've suffered.

Sadly, you've also slammed into another hard part of the trans community: There, um, really isn't one.

There are people pressure-welded by common experience, except that experience is mostly negative: Dysphoria, a personal lacking that defies words and easy solution, despair, persecution, the cold terror that turns over in the gut when things grow quiet and stares get too long and people's words rarely are kind.

Common misery does not a community make.

And there are assholes who also transition. I have found a common online culture describing itself as Leftist- whether this is true is the subject for another analytical tirade- has incubated an insane belief that victimhood purifies; well, it doesn't. Pain and hurt and injustice mostly just make people worse, and the worse people are to start the worse it gets.

So there's a lot of "worse" around here, too. There's a galaxy of immaturity, petty cruelty, and high school politics. The victimhood pageant can get intolerable and strident and emboldens behavior that is disproportionate, cruel, and alienating.

You were owed a message like this one: In all my experience, trans women do menstruate. I never have met one who does not. I have a regular cycle I chart on a calendar. There is PMS. I have physical pain, emotional distress (sometimes I'm almost psychotic, to be honest), irrational flares of sexual desire past an already hypersexual person's sometimes-pathological extremes, digestive upset, and other delightful symptoms.

If you're curious, my current protocol is a weekly .25ml dose of estradiol valerate by subcutaneous administration paired with daily 100mg progesterone doses. I am on no other meds but Tadalafil (5mg), which I have not seen is of any clinical significance, but again- there are vanishingly few studies. My menstrual cycle began within approximately a month of starting HRT.

So, of course, anecdotal at best- and these are pretty lousy anecdotal insights for any study, premised as they are on recall and little endocrine tracking with no useful clinical data to offer except irregular ass-covering blood draws for testosterone and estrogen serum levels.

But there is almost no meaningful medical literature on the subject because, well, there is almost no meaningful medical literature on trans medicine at all.

I do not believe you were being dismissive of trans women's lives. I do not think saying, Huh, really? That's interesting. I wish there were more data, is anything close to being dismissive.

People are scared, and they're angry, and at night when you're in that state a beagle with a wagging tail can look like a bristling guard dog if that's all you're used to seeing- which does not at all justify lashing out in any way. This is a mutual sensitivity issue to be solved by communication.

So I'm sorry people were unkind to you. You did not deserve that.

I've always thought you're great in all the time I've known you here, and I still do. You're a very kind, intellectually curious, and open-minded person, and that is amply on display.

I hope things just get better for you and stay great.

:3

i really appreciate this message, thank you! in hindsight i think a better way to phrase my tags probably would've been "this is very interesting, it lines up with my anecdotal experiences and it reminds me of some of the weirdness that comes with PCOS, i'd love to see more studies on this since that's a big area of interest for me" rather than "that's interesting, i think it's probably true" because it left room to assume i think lack of data = lack of phenomenon. PCOS is an area of interest for me and i have some pages of notes on it, so when i see things that remind me of my notes i tend to go oh, civil debate about my hyperfixation time and not oh, you're looking for some recognition from society at large that this thing you deal with is real and deserves study and treatment, not a comprehensive review of the literature.

this is meant as more of an explanation than a wholesale absolvment, but: my dad does this thing when i talk politics with him where he factchecks me incessantly. if i say in a conversation "housing first programs are more effective in getting homeless people employed than shelters kicking them out at 6 am to job hunt", my dad expects that i can pull the name and details of a paper out of my memory mid-sentence to prove it, though he'll still listen to my points on causality and give his opinion if i can't. apparently this is a thing he decided to do on purpose as a Parenting Method, he's not just naturally that much of an ass, but he didn't tell me that until like, last year, and he's done it for as long as i've had enough of a brain to talk politics. which is all to say, i have a strong inner critic who tells me to not make claims without stringent sourcing and add a qualifier (or say nothing) if i'm not sure. being jewish i've had it called my 'inner lawyer' and joke that it's one of my ancestors communicating with me through the veil.

it's also funny that you use the aeronautical engineer example because he's indeed an electrical engineer (and i'm studying environmental engineering) and his workplace related mannerisms probably rubbed off on me. it made me a beast on high school debate team and makes me very good and convincing random people that i'm smart, (which probably further exacerbated the problem lol) but it also means i approach what are meant to be casual questions about my opinions with deadly seriousness and end up earnestly recommending somebody who asked me a one sentence question a 200 page book they'll never read.

qualifiers like 'i think', 'it seems', 'probably', 'most likely', etc are everpresent in my speech and only get more pronounced the more i care about a topic and don't want to get things wrong. it seemed inappropriate and also not worth my time to bother explaining a fundamental aspect of myself resulting from my childhood to an angry tumblr anon though, so i didn't bother. therein lies the problem with sending people you don't know angry anon asks.

in short, i think the person responding was reading in possibly the worst faith imaginable, but they're not wholly unjustified in being annoyed at my phrasing. that's kind of just one of my traits and it's a double edged blade. i try to temper it and i never mind somebody telling me that they disliked my phrasing, though the tone of that anon was needlessly accusatory.

your response, and most of the comments as well as the original post itself, are obviously totally reasonable. the only reason i was on tumblr at the asscrack of dawn was because my sleep cycle is currently in the dumpster, and i didn't read the original post as thoroughly as i normally would or organize my thoughts as well as i'd like to have. i completely agree with the original post. i think your symptoms and those shared by other transfemmes are obviously real, and i want more studies to be done so that people can't pretend they aren't, and so that transfemmes may be more able to alleviate or avoid these symptoms. i truly can empathize with being constantly told that your period symptoms are both not normal and not worth caring about. that is medical misogyny in its most obvious manifestation and it's most certainly something trans women deal with and that transphobes hate to acknowledge.

you are very apt in explaining why this is difficult to study, other than there just not being a lot of research on trans healthcare in general. the same problems with data collection arise and go sorely unaddressed in studies on cis women (frequency of changing of menstrual pads is, imo, virtually meaningless data, for example). it starts to compound when there's also just less care and interest for the health of trans people in general. there's a lot of subpar methodology on the data regarding the average menstrual period that does exist, and not enough interest to then go on and use that to produce better studies. there's also this problem where you have the ability to do a study and say alright, trans women definitely have periods, but it may take much longer for there to be a study saying why (as with PCOS) because the mechanisms of the endocrine system and common disorders thereof seem to just generally be less understood by science than say, the cardio-pulmonary system. it's shocking and awful that there's one, subpar study on this. it feels like so much of the research in trans medicine reflects the fears cis people have about us and neglects our day to day concerns. i hope more trans people get into the medical field and this can start getting better.

in the spirit of solidarity and because i love to kvetch, here's my own experience with periods: i had godawful periods which gradually worsened from age 10ish (precocious puberty) until i finally got on contraceptives at 17. by high school the pain and bleeding were severe and i had begun to get a host of other symptoms. vertigo, brain fog, hot flashes and occasional fevers, gastrointestinal distress, constant hunger pangs due to my stomach muscles spasming combined with constant nausea (no vomiting, luckily), and a spike in libido that was profoundly unpleasant when combined with all the other stuff. i also probably had PMDD but never had it diagnosed. i now take 5mg of norethindrone and haven't had a menstrual period since with virtually zero side effects, and according to my endocrinologist i can keep on doing that until i hit menopausal age.

when i finally did get it figured out, my PCOS diagnosis was then used by medical professionals to suggest i should be first made to try estrogen before pursuing transition to see if it 'fixes' me (i did not actually have low estrogen or high testosterone) if i didn't have obvious proof of an endocrine disorder i'd probably still have a doctor telling me to quit my birth control before 25 for no real reason every time they see my med list. suffice it to say: i empathize, and i hope the medical field improves on this.

i think that's pretty much all i have to say regarding the actual topic the anon was upset over, or at least all i can phrase coherently. as for the rest of your message, i think you're dead on about the problems that keep showing up in the trans community, insomuch as there is one. the raging victim complex that social media seems to foster becomes a thing of beauty when one is legitimately being victimized on a daily basis. it's more tolerable than the rest of the internet by far, but the 'leftist' side of tumblr is just impressively angry, all the time, and incredibly prone to black and white thinking. neither constant self-flagellation nor positioning oneself as the perpetual victim is productive, and both are rampant.

it's a topic that's hard to elucidate and that should probably be its own post but i also relate strongly to experiencing misogyny and then being told that you're not because you're not a 'real' woman. of course this is further complicated by the fact that i don't actually want to be a woman at all. i often feel that transitioning means i have to give up on all of the paltry resources afforded to women in the STEM field whilst still facing increased difficulty at every turn. the degree to which people will perpetuate misogyny against me and then turn around and say, i'm not a misogynist because you're not a woman, whilst also treating me noticably worse than cis men is insane. one of the most maddening aspects of misogyny is that women are mistreated whilst also being told that they lack the mental faculty to know when they are being mistreated. further complicated by trans people generally not being allowed to lay claim on either gender. there's a lot more to be said but i'm going to just leave it that because i really struggle to elucidate how i feel about this.

finally: thanks for the message, i really truly appreciate it. i struggle with RSD a lot and i get terribly anxious over accusatory asks like that, through no real fault of the asker. having a voice of reason say hey you are literally just some guy on the internet and you are not, in fact, responsible for all social evil is a great comfort. i think you are also very kind and incredibly intelligent, and i appreciate that you always approach in good faith and take things seriously. most of my posts are poorly formed musings on things i don't understand well, and it's nice to know that people can read them and see valuable ideas and aren't constantly trying to find the most damning interpretation possible, since that's like half of the activity on this site.

i hope things go (and are going) well for you too :)

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

246 of 2023

Do you ever judge people based on if they believe in God or not?

No, I don’t. There are many religions in this world.

Do you ever brush your teeth in the shower?

No, I need a sink for that.

Has your printer ever stopped working at the last minute and you had a paper due the next day? What did you do?

No, I always have more paper and ink just in case.

Are you sometimes scared to express your opinions in fear of what others might think?

No. I’m just myself.

Do you have a girl that is strictly a friend that isn’t related to you that you can go to?

Yeah, Nancy I guess.

Have you ever painted your nails on only one hand, forgetting about the other one or getting side-tracked?

I dopn’t even paint my nails.

Have you ever tried sucrets?

I don’t know what they are.

Would you date someone that smokes?

Well, my husband smokes and we’re married, so. I don’t like it, but at least he does it outside.

What about drinks?

On occasion is fine, but not constantly.

Have you ever gone to one of those parties where everyone is falling around drunk everywhere?

Yeah. No fun.

Are you “the good guy”, or “the bad guy”, or somewhere in between?

In between, but more good than in my teens.

Do you ever erase the numbers off of surveys just because they annoy you?

No, I don’t erase anything. No point in it.

Person you like shows up at your house: you…

It wouldn’t happen because it’s not a thing in my country.

Last person you talked on the phone with?

My physiotherapist, to bring back the appointment.

Do you think you will have the same best friend a year from now?

Even longer, I’m sure of it.

Do you have siblings over the age of twenty-one?

My sister is almost 28, but 21 is not a special age in Europe anyway.

Will tomorrow be better than today?

Let’s hope so.

What do you hear right now?

TV in the background.

What was the last thing to go into your mouth?

Food, probably.

Do you usually tell people when you’re mad at them?

Yeah, but they have to do something really bad.

Honestly, how is your heart lately?

Full of love.

Do you miss anyone?

Yeah, J. and M., but such is life.

Are you waiting for a phone call?

No, I’m not.

If an ex said they hated you, what would you say?

I wouldn’t expect him to say that.

What would you do if you found out your most recent ex was in a relationship?

I’d be happy for him.

What do you think when someone kisses you on your forehead?

It’s cute, but my husband is shorter than me.

What do you usually do right when you wake up?

Open my eyes, I think.

Are you looking forward to anything?

Yezah, psychiatrist appointment later on.

How late did you stay up last night?

Midnight, so I’m tired now.

Do you truly hate anyone?

No, I don’t hate people.

Would you ever get a tattoo?

I have two.

In the past forty-eight hours, have you hung out with a girl?

Not at all.

Were you happy when you woke up today?

More like relieved.

If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you?

Yeah, but I’m not sure.

Would you rather go back a week or go forward?

Last Monday I was in the hospital, here’s your answer.

Would you ever smile at a stranger?

We do it a lot in my country, and so do I.

Who was the last person to text you?

My husband.

What are you doing today?

Just done with cleaning, now doing this and preparing for this appointment.

Truthfully, is there someone you used to date that you miss?

I’d say Nielsje, but we’re still friends, so.

Have you ever gotten burnt by a cigarette?

Yeah, that’s painful.

Have you ever been so bored that you started drooling on yourself?

...what?

Do you brush your teeth right away when you wake up?

Nah, first I have to get up and go to the bathroom, probably just like everyone else. First I take my meds anyway, it’s the most important.

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

Yreah, my sister.

Want to get smashed tonight?

I don’t have time for bullshit.

What time are you getting up tomorrow?

6:00 because I go to work.

Are you happy with the choices you’ve made?

Yeah.

Think back to last June; were you single?

I was married already.

How did you feel when you woke up today?

Sleepy.

Have you ever made someone laugh when they were crying?

Yeah, my sister. I just tried to cheer her up, and it worked.

Describe how you feel right now.

A bit sleepy, a bit tired, but kinda satisfied.

Would you date someone three years older than you?

Why not? Age doesn’t matter, unless you’re a minor. I’m in my 30s anyway.

Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning?

Both.

Do you think more about the past, present, or future?

Present, I guess.

Are you okay with the life you live?

I wish I was healthy, otherwise yes.

Could you handle living with the last person you texted?

We already live together.

Was the last book you read for fun, or was it for some type of assignment?

Definitely for fun.

Have you accomplished any goals you set for yourself this year so far?

The year has barely started.

If you could go forward in time and see your life 5 years from now, what would you hope to see?

Happiness and better health.

Are there still movie rental stores where you live or have they all gone out of business?

I don’t think there are any.

What was the last thing to annoy you or make you upset?

My husband, but it was brief.

Have you ever been ditched by someone only to find them out and about with someone else?

No, I was never that much into dating.

How old were you when you had your wisdom teeth removed?

I’ve never had them removed.

What is the last song you sang out loud?

Probably Onderweg by Abel, I love this song.

Where was the last job application you filled out sent to?

The company I work in now, 9 years ago.

Have you ever been fired from a job?

Yeah, but not really.

What do people tell you your voice sounds like?

Like a teenager whose voice still changes. Not funny at all.

What financial class are you?

Upper working class and proud of it.

What poster is hanging closest to you?

We don’t have posters in our house.

What time did you go to bed last night?

Midnight, I feel like I answered it already.

Do you watch any reality shows?

Not on regular basis, but if I happen to watch one, it’s just for laugh.

Are you more comfortable with men or women?

Men, possibly because I’m one of them. But many women are really cool, too.

Do you think you’re fat?

Yeah, even though I’m close to underweight. It’s still too much.

Have you ever borrowed money from someone and never repaid them?

No, I’d never do that. I don’t like having debts anyway.

Do you have a pet cat?

Even two.

What is worse: physical or emotional pain?

Both are awful.

How is your hair?

Short and messy.

How long does it take you to fall asleep at night?

Too long, I need to fix it.

How many people have you had strong feelings for in the year of 2012?

None.

What are you doing for your next birthday?

Nothing special, it’s a day like every other day.

Would you go on a date with someone right now if they asked?

No. I don’t date around, and I didn’t even before marriage.

Do you believe that if you want something bad enough, you’ll get it?

I always do, so yeah.

Last movie you watched?

I don’t watch movies, but yesterday I watched Twilight for lolz. What a drama XD

Who were you with?

My husband.

Who came over last?

The postman. I had to close the door so our cats wouldn’t escape.

Have you ever wanted to be a ballet dancer?

No, never.

Does your family keep tons of leftovers in the fridge?

No, we either eat everything or give leftovers to somewhere else.

Favourite FRIENDS character? That is, if you like it.

Rachel and Monica.

Skullcandy headphones, yay or nay?

Never had them, so no opinion.

Are you thinking of getting another piercing? Where?

Probably in my right ear, if ever.

Do you love when people remember little things about you?

Yeah, it’s very nice.

Do you ‘bless’ strangers when they sneeze?

I do, but they not always respond XD

How many phones have you gone through?

Too many to count, I got my first phone at the age of 15. I’m almost 33 now.

Have you always lived in the house you currently reside in?

No, I haven’t even lived in this city before.

Do you think your future will be a good one?

Hopefully so.

[littlethingwithfeathers]

Please insert "I'm not a doctor. Please consult with one if you need actual help" statement here. I'm just a migraine sufferer who has found things that work. The breathing trick is a blood pressure regulation technique so there’s definitely a reason it could be effective. It’s a way to slow your heartbeat down and lower your blood pressure. Back when I stage managed for a ballet company, the dancers used it to handle stage fright and to help lower their heart rates and blood pressure after a high-intensity performance. It also works for tempering anxiety spikes and for falling asleep!

Another temperature thing that works is putting an ice pack on the back of your neck. This one... I'm not sure why it works exactly? But it does. I know a lot of people who swear by it. Also also... if you struggle with migraines and can't tolerate any of the RX meds or don't have access to them, alternating two ibuprofen with two Tylenol every 2 hours for about 8 hours works wonders. This is also a great way to reduce a stubborn fever. Also also also... hydrate. Seriously. I definitely have better management of my migraine symptoms by staying hydrated. I'll also vouch for the B12 trick. I combine it with the above and will sometimes take my meds with an Emergen-C immune supplement... not for immune-boosting stuff but because it has a big dose of B12 in it. That's why you feel better when you take it. Low B12 is sometimes a cause of or exacerbates pain or mental health conditions. Same with Vitamin D. Also... in all seriousness, learn your triggers. I get that this is hard if your migraines are super rare, but learning to spot and manage your triggers can let you pre-game so to speak. Like, a major one for me that I cannot just avoid is weather and air pressure. So I watch the weather carefully, especially the barometric pressure. I make sure if there's a storm front coming, I am well hydrated and have taken some ibuprofen. Sometimes I'll still suffer with the brain fog and fatigue, but at least I'm not in pain. And lastly... don't underestimate the power of essential oils. No, they won't cure you or do any kind of magical woo, but they do help with migraine symptoms for some people. Peppermint is a huge help for me... whether in tea, essential oil, or some other more desperate form like a breathmint/mentholated cough drop, mouthwash, toothpaste, or taking a shower with peppermint soap. I have gotten relief from all those things. Even if just enough to get other meds into myself and go to sleep. But my favorite application is an essential oil roller that has various mints and lavender in it.

Hey, so this isn't meant as advice for you, this is me asking if you have experience with trying a bit of advice I heard, and what your experience was with it? Basically I was told that two things that can help with migraines is soaking your feet in hot/warm water (possibly with ginger?) and to do breathing exercises where you exhale more than you inhale. Have you heard this advice before? Did you try it and if so, did it work for you? I get migraines pretty rarely but it's always so debilitating when they do happen and "go somewhere quiet and dark for 2 days" isn't always viable but is the only reliable method Ive had so far, but Id be down to try something like this if it has any validity to it?

I have tried them, and they have never worked for me. Alternating ice and heat directly over the pain helps me more (especially heat over my "trigger" eye), but usually, just so I can try to sleep through the pain, otherwise I'm going to be awake the whole 20+ hours, and that's never fun.

Your mileage may vary, and tbh, it's worth trying as they are fairly easy to do -- and who knows, you might get lucky and have "easy*" migraines that respond to deep breathing and soaking your feet.

For what it's worth, I've heard some people get more out of the foot-soaking thing by also putting a cold cloth/ice pack on the back of their neck. It helps aid with vasodilation and vasoconstriction, which can sometimes be a factor in migraines.

Aside from correcting my atypical binocular vision disorder with vision therapy and corrective tinted prisms, the biggest help I've had for my migraines has been from taking B2 supplements as recommended by my neurologist.

There's some evidence to show that taking 400mg of b2 for 3+ months can help lessen migraine intensity and perhaps even prevent them. Supposedly it works better if you also take magnesium.

I used to just take magnesium which is a common migraine "hack," but it never did much for me. Adding in the high dose of B2 was what finally made a difference. My migraines are still 20+ hours, but they're less painful, and I can be somewhat functional with them.

Obligatory: Talk to your doctor before starting any new medications, including supplements.

Good luck. I hope you find a solution that works for you.

---

*No migraines are easy, but some of us have harder-to-treat migraines that don't respond to "easy" solutions. Whenever someone asks me if I've tried deep breathing and Excedrin because it always works for them, I am both happy for them but also want to throttle them, lol.

[soft-boi-eli]

Mcyts helping a trans masc after top surgery. (Part 1)

Tw:swearing, pain pills, some hints to vomiting, fluff as well.

Wilbur

This simp...

Makes sure you regularly drain your drains, take your medication.

You dont even have to get the fuck up, I mean he's your personal butler until the doctor gave you the okay.

Three times a day you get a smoothie. He can tell that you dont want to eat because of the pain.

The least you can do is drink something to nurioush you while you were in pain.

If you're embarrassed about having to sleep on some dog pee pads for the drain. Dont be.

Wilbur may not understand but he will constantly comfort you. He'll even make a video to tell his viewers he won't be posting for a moment. A personal issues came up and that is all they know for now.

Also when cold he'll try to keep you warm by very, very gentle cuddles. But any sign of pain and he's off of you and getting you warm blankets and heating packs.

His sweaters? Now all yours. You have no say. He will give you one every day knowing you find alot of comfort in wearing his clothes.

The last thing he wants is you in pain. Especially if it was caused by him.

Your testosterone shot? Dont worry he's got it for you.

He doesn't want you to get up unless you needed to go to the restroom or you were itching to get up.

If you dont take it slow he will threaten you.

This is a threat. He will make you sit back down if you tried to get up and clean.

All in all he is a simp and your butler.

Technoblade

Technoblade may not know what to do but he will try.

He's quite nervous but when he realized you havent eaten and needed something in your system for your pain meds hell make you something soft and light on the stomach.

Are you cold? He'll cover you in a blanket and just sit next to you. Floof senses you in pain and cuddles you more then technoblade.

Techno was a bit butt hurt but knew that you needed alot of support right now.

With his height his clothes are either tight or loose. But his hoodies are always huge. And very fucking comfortable.

His scent relaxed you and helped you sleep at night.

He is a hidden simp.

He will make sure you're comfortable. If you want him to he'll sleep with you in the living room.

When you start walking him and Floof are constantly following you. Just to make sure you are safe and comfortable.

You cant help but love your two boys.

His streams and videos are already inconsistent but he did say his next video or stream might take a longer time.

But if you dont mind then you'll sit near him while he streams. If you needed anything he'll get it.

You saying hi to chat. They know you're in pain by your tone.

And anyone he's in a call with will ask what's up. And when you tell them they'll understand and they'll hype you up.

It warms techno's heart when his friends hype you up.

God this closeted simp is melting internally.

Schlatt

He will tease you.

Pictures are taken and spread around the internet like a wild fire.

Caption to those pictures?

This dumbass just got out of surgery and didnt expect to feel like trash lol.

But off camera he's quite the nice guy. Reminding you to drink your water, getting you soft foods or soups, heck he give you some of his pushies from his youtooz.

And this behemoth of a man will give you his shirt or hoodies.

You are with him when he streams or records.

There is no say.

He wants to keep his eyes on you and make sure you are comfortable and safe.

Lowkey dragged you bed into his recording room, you were just vibing in the corner.

You meds are on a set schedule. If the time lands when he's on stream he doesn't think. Just gets up grabs your meds and a premade smoothie.

With that he gave them to you.

Watching you swallow that pill because you can be stubborn with pain meds.

Returns to the stream.

Yells at chat for calling him a simp. He told them you were in pain and it's the least he can do for you.

Will low key rub your back off stream. As sleeping while sitting up us hell on your shoulders.

Jambo is all over you, soaking up the attention he can get while you were immobile.

Schlatt would glare st him for taking away his S/O.

When it came to you wanting to walk he will let you.

If you hurt then this man would laugh and tell you to sit your ass down. You are going anywhere just yet.

He's gonna carry you when you are in as much pain.

He's tall and there is no stopping him.

It makes him feel a bit happier due to the fact you aren't hurting as much, and still getting to the place you needed.

Also he will hug you if he sees you are uncomfortable. The hug is very soft and unlike him.

But at least he is trying.

He also keeps his yelling down, doesn't want you to make too many stiff movements. It would hurt the hell out of you.

Tommy

Ok. Hear me out, butler.

He see the pain you are in and as one of his best friends he wont let you do anything.

Your parents were out of town after your surgery and it wasn't their fault their work called in suddenly.

So you were sent over to Tommy's for the three weeks they were out.

Tommy would let you relax on his bed, heck even sleep on it as well.

Doesn't care if your drains stain the bed. That's an easy clean up and he wants you to be comfortable.

He does still stream. Because it's something he does for a living.

But he'll try to keep it a bit quieter.

You once walked out of the room when he was streaming. You looked like a gremlin, hunched over while you had to take a piss.

When you entered you were greeted by wilbur, techno, and phil telling you they hope you heal fast.

"It only gets better from now on (y/n). Take it easy alright?"-wilbur

"Congrats mate, just relax and dont forget to focus on healing."-Phil

"Yo you got the surgery. Pog. Stay healthy (y/n)."-techno

You melted lightly. A small smile graced your face.

It brought you joy and there was nothing that could compare to it. Honestly.

It seemed almost every day someone tommy knew was hopi g a speedy recovery.

He once yelled at chat for saying you should suck it up.

"CHAT THEY JUST WENT THROUGH SURGRY. LEAVE THEM ALONE!"

You forgot that your parents were even out for those weeks.

Tommy would definitely understand slightly that it would hurt to constrict your chest.

"You cold?"

When you nod tommy is up and handing you one of his hoodies. They are big and comfy. Easy to put on too. So they are perfect.

His two dogs, Walter and Betty?

Expect them in his room curled around you. Dogs know when humans feel pain and when they need something to comfort them.

The stream kind of enjoyed that.

They got wholesome content from you and dog content.

Win win.

Tommy will make sure you have your meds.

If it lands during a stream he blacks out the camera and carefully gets you the things needed for it.

Get you a best friend like tommy.

They wont let you do much when in pain.

Tubbo

He doesn't fully know what to do. He went and spent a few nights over at your house.

Your parents asked his parents for help so they sent over tubbo.

They made a list but the poor boy couldnt read it.

"A sm-oosthie with their pain pill... what the hell is a sm-oosthie?!"

It took him calling tommy to ask him to tell him.

"Tubbo. It says smoothie and who is this fo-."

He hung up before tommy could finish and made the smoothie.

Your cat was quite cuddly.

When he walked in your cat was on your lap.

"Tubbo? When did you get here?" Oh yeah it was a surprise.

"Not too long ago. Your parents left and asked me to help."

He was doing it in all good.

But he scared you so badly.

He bought you a stuffed animal...

It was a huge minecraft bee. And by huge I mean huge.

Like here's the stuffed animal.

Ignore the child. I wished there was a better picture.

But yeah you get the point.

Tubbo may not know how to help you fully but he's trying.

Tommy came to visit with wilbur and phil.

Tommy was meeting up with them and you lived close to wilbur.

When they saw you laid up in bed, tubbo trying to find out how to help with your medication phil kinda went father mode.

You got homemade soup to take your meds.

Tubbo was quite happy to see you smiling and lightly laughing.

When they left you felt better.

Tubbo may not know how to do alot but he tried his best. And you loved every moment.

You got you best friend to help you. And nothing was better then that.

Ranboo

Ranboo spent the night and all you guys could do was joke about the pain.

The jokes were quite self deprecating too.

All night you guys were up.

You couldn't sleep because of the pain and he didnt want to sleep due to the fact he didnt want you to be alone.

So you two were sleep deprived and your parents were concerned. But understood you two didnt want the other to feel bad.

After you healed a bit your parents got called into work. Leading to you spending a few days over there.

Ranboo streamed a recorded with you in the back ground.

He forgot you were there once and he turned on face cam. There you were in the background nose deep into a book while wearing one of his hoodies.

You were freezing and your shirts were a bit too tight.

He just gave you one of his and that was that.

"Whis in the background?"-dono

"In the background?" He turned around to see you just reading your book.

"Oh. That's one of my friends. They had a surgery a week ago."-ranboo

He turned to you, "(y/n) say hi to stream."

Looking up you waved.

"My gay mind went brrr at the idea of no sacks of fat. Now body do the big pain."-(y/n) 2021

It brought a laugh to ranboo and his chat.

You joked through the pain. It was funny.

Dream

What is this I see? He's a simp indeed.

Low key he's answering your beck and call.

He's smothering you in love.

It may not be physical affection but it is still affection.

Your hoodies are replaced with his.

They are huge and comfy.

He saw something online that reminded him of you.

He said it was cute and decided you needed it.

You loved it. It helped you sleep.

Since sapnap lives with him he sends in sapnap sometimes because he's recording or has to get something that wasn't in the house.

Also when you found the zipper you unzipped it and found dream stashed some gift cards and little trinkets in it. Along with a note.

'Knew you would of found this.'-Clay

It shocked you kind of.

But you loved it. It was quite comforting that he gave his affection in these ways still.

Even if it wasn't physically.

Patches is on you 24/7.

She's cuddling you and being very gentle on you.

Low key she won't leave you though, she's following you everywhere, on your lap, sitting there when your on the toilet.

She's clingy. More clingy then before.

But it warmed your heart.

If george visits then he'll see a little gremlin making a b line to the bathroom.

All because the pain made your stomach feel upset.

And you hadn't eaten anything because of pain.

Dream is quick to rush in and see what's wrong.

You were sitting on the ground in the bathroom. Needless to say it didnt end well and you hated it.

"Baby. Do you want me to get you a smoothie and your pain meds?" You were grateful.

After leaving the bathroom you lightly hunched over you noticed the British man in your living room.

You watched his videos.

You waved lightly with a smile.

"Oh sorry (y/n) I didnt tell you george was coming did i?"

Your look told it all.

"Sorry you have to see me like this." You had the urge to apologize.

"No dont be sorry. Surgery is painful."-george

With a small nod you went back to your room and relaxed.

George

He didnt know what to do at all.

He answered your requests.

But he didnt know why you needed that thick ass blanket in the middle of the summer.

But now you have it.

Your stuffed animal that was left in the living room?

It's in your arms by your side.

He's sad it wasn't him in your arms but understood it would cause you pain.

He just lightly lays in your lap.

It brought you comfort and him comfort.

Your germilin ass tended you get up and walk at the weirdest time too.

3am?

Your are going to get a snack.

5am?

You are on your way to the toilet.

7am?

Your once more in the kitchen getting something to eat with your pain pill.

George slept through it and was confused when you weren't in bed like the doctors told you to.

He's quite meticulous with your meds and eating habits.

He doesn't push but makes sure you have something with that pill.

Hell try to help you with your bandages. But sometimes got queasy at the blood and stuff.

It was okay with you though.

You didnt mind that due to the fact that you too got queasy as well.

I think you guys sleep through this alot.

Wilbur and tommy visited.

You was shocked and confused when they had a few get well soon gifts.

Tommy got you a small fidget toy, just something to do with your hands sometimes.

Wilbur got you a few books and a small stuffed toy.

It was a orca.

You loved it but still loved the one that george got you.

He got you a little wooloo one.

It was something that was soft and easy to cuddle.

But the books wilbur gave you were amazing.

It gave you something to do for a long while. And it gave george some more cuddle time.

Other than not knowing what to do george was a great source of comfort.

Sapnap

Sapnap is a bit more experienced with it.

Kind of knowing what to do and all together he just know more then most people.

There is a regular schedule for you meds and so called meals, he changes out the dog pads if he notices them dirty. He knows how to maneuver himself next to you so there was no pain.

He also sucked up that he would be overwhelmingly hot and sat next to you under the blanket.You weren't nearly as cold because of that.

Also since sapnap lives with dream I imagine that dream pops in some times and so does patches.

You all were probably best friends as children. And people always thought that you and dream would get together.

Only because you two were more touchy.

But you saw him as an older brother, and took a liking to sapnap.

Dream was really suportive and saw you as a little sibling.

Dream probably saw you not doing to well and made you something to eat and brought your pain medication.

That was because sapnap was sleeping next to you.

Patches curled up between to two of you and dream brought in something you hadnt seen before.

A roll away bed.

This mother fucker got a whole new bed just so he could sleep in the same room as you and sapnap.

"Sapnap is a heavy sleeper. What if you need something?" He was correct.

You woke up to pain and discomfort.

Dream woke up but sapnap didnt.

You were mainly cold though...

How the hell were you cold with this man radiating radiation the heat of a thousand suns?

No clue. But probably the anesthesia since you were in sapnap room dream just opened the closet and tossed his hoodie to your lap.

You woke up sapnap when you put on the hoodie on accident.

He pushed up against your shoulder a bit more and draped his arm over your lap.

"What's wrong?" Sapnap mumble made you stiffen up. Dream seemed to fall back to sleep too.

"Just a bit cold." He lightly nodded into your neck.

"Mmmmmm. How though."-sapnap

"I dont fuckin know."-(y/n)

He let out a sleep chuckle and seemed to fall asleep again.

You just sat there. Patches and sapnap on you lap technically.

Sapnap woke up and made you breakfast at some point. You were in and out of it due to barely any sleep.

Dream woke up as well. You didnt even know when they left. But patches stayed with you.

Those weeks you were treated the best with these two with extra cuddles from patches.

I didnt know there was a max amount of paragraphs. But hey I guess it's something you find out sooner or later. So there is going to be a part 2. Including some character I missed.

[hoseokmoons]

jeon jeongguk, demisexual, cismale + he/him ― hey look, it’s moon hoseok! he's twenty-four years old, he's lived in shrike heights for three years, and he's currently working at a new chapter. i heard he's pretty isolated, but i think he's so creative at the same time. can he make it out alive?

so this kid is very close to my heart, like more than most of my other muses that i have ever written. i bully him, but he’s my precious boy and i will fight for him, okay? fghjk

this is to keep you guys busy until i finish writing up his bio (i will leave out anything that would warrant a tw from this one for those who just want a more casual overview)

> in this house we only wear black. he looks he’s up to no good - almost exclusively wears black hoodies, so people might think he never changes outfits, but he just always looks the same tbh fghjk. fashion is effort he does not have the energy for. he’s also got a bunch of piercings in his ears and has recently started getting tattoos on his arms. so he looks a little intimidating to most people at first, especially because his general expression is pretty stoic and he can sit still for way too long, so ppl who don’t know him might get uncomfortable around him.

> in reality tho he’s a soft boy who has struggled with depression for at least 10 years. he’s got ASD as well as an avoidant personality disorder, so socializing with strangers is a very rough task for him. he’s on meds to help with his anxiety, but they make him slightly numb as a side effect, hence him being a little expressionless sometimes. > he was adopted at the age of 13, after his father was sent to prison and his mother was unable to take care of him due to her own issues. though he originally grew up in busan in south korea, he was adopted by a family in the states. adapting to this wasn’t any easier or harder than anything else he’s ever had to push himself to do, but losing both his parents in such a short amount of time has been quite traumatic.

> ever since he was young, reading has been his favorite hobby. he would be up all night, secretly finishing the latest book he had found himself invested in. other major interests of his are movies (especially scary ones) and music (primarily rock and metal). fantasy has always been a welcome escape for him and he prefers it over the real world, almost to an unhealthy degree where he will neglect himself or his friends if he gets sucked in too far. > at the age of 4 he suddenly stopped talking and was a full mute for almost 2 years. after that he gradually started speaking again but only to very select people. nowadays he’s a little better at answering people’s questions as long as his anxiety doesn’t make him completely shut down. he still has a stutter when speaking to people he doesn’t fully trust and sometimes accidentally throws korean words into his sentences when he’s nervous rambling and his brain can’t keep up. this also happens when he gets too enthusiastic about things.

> demisexual & panromantic - he’s very closed off and not the biggest fan of intimacy in general. he likes holding hands and hugs, but there needs to be an insane amount of trust to get more out of him. > he’s smart, even though he won’t ever admit it. he’s pretty funny too, once he’s comfortable enough to show that side of himself. the best version you can get is when you’re one on one with him tbh

there’s a pinterest board HERE but please do keep in mind that this has some of the tw stuff in here, they are tagged in the board description, although the last one isn’t super present, it’s kinda referenced/implied so it’s tagged just in case!!

ahem anyway pls mssg me if you want more info or wanna plot stuff xx

[tokoyamisstuff]

Scandal Ch. 4 - Loki x Reader

Summary: Nothing can stop the wrath of the God of Mischief, when he realizes he had been deceived by the people he trusted more than his beloved wife.

Warnings: Angst, Violence

Words: ~1700

"But what the world fails to realize is a villain is just a victim whose story hasn’t been told.” - Chris Colfer

I Story Masterlist I General Masterlist I

Taglist: @hi-there-x @haloangel391 @misssilencewritewell @babayaga67 @accioremuslupinn @mochimommy2002 @just-someone-who-likes-to-write @damalseer @bethanystan @loser-alert @star017 @nina1800 @queenariesofnarnia @n1fangirlsblog @vengefulsokovian @lunamoonbby @freyagallileaevans​

A/N: This is a rather boring chapter, but we’re far from done!

“She already left several moons ago. It was her own wish, we did not force her.”

“Where to?” 

“Midgard.”

Loki was long back on Asgardian territory, yet his mind couldn’t find peace. Well, how could he, now knowing what Laufey told him?

His world had already crumbled to dust when he left you behind - but if Laufey spoke the truth, his whole existence had been built on lies from the very start.

Not knowing where to search for answers, the prince sneaked into Odin’s forbidden chambers, walking in the shadows protecting him in the midst of night.

There it was: The Cascet of Ancient Winters - the very relic that doomed the fate of your newborn, revealing it’s shameful blood to all of Asgard.

It just urged him to try and see for himself, even if the truth would shatter his heart.

“STOP!”

Loki wouldn’t even flinch at the Allfather’s words, already tightly holding the cascet in both hands.

“Am I cursed?”

The God of Mischief wouldn’t even dare to turn around and look at the person he always ever thought to be his father - for as soon as he laid fingers on the cascet, he began turning into that same shade of blue your son did.

Panic began to rise in the young god, fearing to be killed by the people he loved so dearly shall they lay eyes upon what he truly was. His chest began to tighten, fastened breath turning into a cold mist.

“No” was Odin’s firm but unsatisfying answer, to which Loki only responded by putting down the cascet.

“What am I?”

“You’re my son.” His words came from the heart, not even faltering as Loki turned around to present his Jotun form to the Allfather.

“What more than that?!” he almost growled in between gritted teeth, appearance slowly returning to his usual self.

At that deepest, darkest day in his life yet, Loki would be too blinded by betrayal and rage to see his father’s true love towards his adoptive son.

“The cascet wasn’t the only thing you took back from Jotunheim that day, was it?” The prince took firm steps towards the man that he had known all his life, but had become a complete stranger towards him through that sole moment.

Again, only a “no.”

Loki’s mind was racing, thinking about what else may have been hidden from himself - and what kind of consequences that revelation had for everything he had done up until now.

“In the aftermath of the battle, I went to the temple -- and I found a baby” the Allfather continued, “Small, for a giant’s offspring. Abandoned, suffering, left to die...”

“...Laufeyson” Loki completed Odin’s sentence. So every word the King of the Jotunns had said was indeed a fact.

“W-W-why?!” he almost whined, voice weak and defeated. “You were knee deep in Jotun blood, why would you take me?”

“You were an innocent child-”

“No.” The God of Lies himself had become so sick of being fed those, starting to snap. “You took me for a purpose. What was it???” 

For what felt like an eternity, there was only silence.

The image of that small, blue child in his arms had been painfully burned into his heart back then. But now that he knew the story behind all of this, it held a completely different meaning.

Just like he had been abandoned back on that frozen rock, he had abandoned his own child, as well as the love of his life.

Outcast, abused, left to die...and now, god knows what had happened to you...

That secret had destroyed more than just his own life. It had ruined the only honest happiness he was ever given - you, and his son.

“TELL ME!”

He just needed to know: The reason behind all the pain and suffering he had to endure - and caused to others as well.

“I thought we could unite our kingdoms one day, bring about an alliance, bring about permanent peace...through you.”

That was just too much for Loki to bear. “What?” he reacted with a barely-there voice, every word of his father shooting daggers through his heart.

“But those plans no longer matter.” No matter what Odin might want to explain, Loki wasn’t able to listen to any more, jumping into his own conclusions.

“So I am no more than another stolen relic, locked up inside of here until you might have use for me?!” he croaked, afraid of the answer.

“Do not twist my words.”

“You could told me what I was from the beginning!” he now yelled, furious at how virtuous Odin would still defend his own action. “Why didn’t you?”

“You’re my son” he repeated once again. “I only wanted to protect you from the truth.”

“Why, ‘cause I-I-I-I’m the monster people tell their children about at night?!” Loki clenched his fists, fingernails drawing blood to his palm.

“At least when my son was born, you should’ve dropped the charade!” Pure agony was dripping from every syllable, and for a mere second, his eyes were glistering bright red once again. “You’ve forsaken two innocent lives - the most important beings in my pathetic existence - and now you’ve burdened me with their suffering as well!”

That sure was a miracle - how a person so broken from the beginning wouldn’t collapse under pressure that huge.

“It all makes sense now, why you favoured Thor, all those years! Because no matter how much you claim to love me, you could never have a Frost Giant sitting on the throne of Asgard!”

But who cares about the throne, honestly? Not him. Not anymore. Ever since he knew you.

It all dawned to him now: What he could have, if only he had put his trust in you like so many times before.

All his life, he only ever remembers a shadow. At first, he thought it to be the shadow of his brother, or never being enough for his own father. Maybe the other Asgardians looking down on him, making him feel like he doesn’t belong.

Yet in the end, that very shadow was inside of his own mind.

But you?

You had loved Loki with all of your heart, banishing the darkness from his mind through your bright affection.

It didn’t matter to you what anyone thought of him - or even what he thought himself to be.

Because you saw him for what he really was, and he found peace with that.

And he was certain that it wouldn’t matter to you whether he called himself Odinson or Laufeyson - as had you loved his child dearly, ever since he took his first breath.

He could never make up for that greatest of his sins, Loki knew that much.

Or...?

“Where are you going, my son?”

Reluctantly, Loki made his way past the man he now only considered a stranger. Still, when Odin tried to reach out to him, Loki immediately ducked away, startled and afraid for his true nature to hurt anyone.

More than ever before, the God of Mischief despised himself to the core of his being. He was lost, confused, shocked - and still, determined.

“Creating a Kingdom for my family.”

___

[Earth, 2 months later]

On times like these, you thought your mind was betraying you.

Especially when you catched yourself reminiscing sweet, innocent moments - far back in the past, before everything you ever held dearly got destroyed.

You still felt his touch, feather-light on your skin, as well as his scent haunting your memories. And sometimes you couldn’t help but wonder how life would have been, well...if things were different.

Frantically shaking your head, you clasped the book closed and threw it into a corner of the small one-room-flat SHIELD had provided for you.

Your magical pockets were always almost empty, except for a few necessities - and that book. It held the first flower Loki ever gifted you, and you had dried it in between those pages so it would never lose it’s beauty.

But now, remembering meant pain - because Loki Laufeyson would never come back.

For he is dead.

Fell of the Bifrost, as confirmed by Heimdall, who secretly kept in touch with you all this time. So you knew it all: Of his grief and treason, which slowly led him into madness. 

And what did you do in the meantime?! Nothing at all!

You should’ve tried everything, anything to get back and help him go through that time of need, hel!

“Endure it, Y/N...you need to stay strong...for Liam.” After so many times of telling those words to yourself, you doubted them to have any effect on your broken heart at all.

Yet it would never fail to keep you going. For that wonderful child was proof of your love, and now your last memory of him.

Rocking the small Jotun to sleep, tears found their way to your eyes like so many times before, dropping to the baby’s face unnoticed.

So you tried to sing your pain away as you cooed that little wonder to sleep.

“Å eg lengtar så tidt dette landet å sjå, Og det dreg meg så blidt, når eg langt er ifrå. Med den våknande vår vert min saknad so sår, så mest gråta, mest gråta eg kan. Å eg minnest, å eg minnest, å eg minnest så vel dette land. Å eg minnest, å eg minnest, å eg minnest så vel dette land.”

*Translation:

“Oh I long so long to see this land, And it pulls me so gently, when I'm far away. With the waking spring host my missing so sore, so most cry, most cry eg can. Oh I remember, oh I remember, oh I remember this country as well. Oh I remember, oh I remember, oh I remember this country as well.”