#at least i have my heart meds because i still take those sometimes

[danielnelsen]

a week ago i might have said i feel mostly ok, just a little off, but i am Suffering now. why can’t graves’ disease have fun symptoms like……………idk i can’t think of anything.

[gothicflowers]

Listen, Alex has been consuming my brain for weeks. It’s a whole issue (it’s not an issue, I love it really). So can I get something that’s maybe a little darker with him? Doesn’t have to be too dark, just maybe showing that side that isn’t the golden retriever we all love. Maybe a little more of that something that makes him such a good CIA operative.

Something protective/possessive perhaps? Can be NSFW or not, totally up to you.

Also, I hope you’re doing well! I know what it’s like to just need a distraction and get out of your head for a bit 💙

(MDNI +18)

Sorry this took me forever but I’ve been fighting waves of ADHD paralysis that even my meds cant fight. And I’m doing a little better, not fully healthy but I’m getting there❤️

ALEX KELLER IS A GOLDEN RETRIEVER.

At least that’s what he lets you see.

Because he doesn’t want you to know how dark and dirty he can be. Your family is fully convinced that he is the perfect man, which he truly is. Always getting you flowers and planning dates or small getaways. You clearly won the lottery with Alex. You see Alex as a night in shining armor, a kiss from the stars.

But Alex sees you as the dusk sky, beautiful colors that light up the sky before the light disappears. Soft delicate hands to hold, no blood or dirt under your nails. Your voice is the crackling of a fireplace in deep December snow that warms his soul. You’re the flower that blooms from the spring frost after he tills the ground with his bare hands.

Alex has fought for too long and shed too much blood in the name of justice and peace for anything to take away the one pure thing the universe owes him. You.

But sometimes dispute all his training and good intentions you see small glimmers of what Alex could be if he didn’t keep himself in check. Sometimes it’s in the way you end up bent over the counter with his fingers laced tightly in your hair as he rants on about this little bitchy attitude you’ve had since you woke up. He knows you love it and it feeds a dark pit of control that burns for you. Every thrust making you gasp. All Alex can grunt out of his gritting teeth is MINE. MINE. MINE. And is he gonna let you come? No. Not unless your pretty little eyes are welling with lust and love filled tears begging to cum. He’ll eventually let go of your hair and hold you by the jaw and let you confess that you just needed some dick, and he’s the only one that can satisfy your craving. Such a sweet thing, such perfection, so delicate.

Alex doesn’t mind letting other guys how possessive he can get. He didn’t like that guy that keep trying to dance with you at the bar. It’s surely a coincidence that guy slipped and hit his head on the sink. Other times it’s simply staring them down with a look that even Simon wouldn’t mess with.

When your ex tried to weasel their way back into your heart they abruptly stopped. They sent flowers, chocolates, jewelry, everything they could think of to win you back. You figured they finally got the message that you didn’t want them. But in reality your ex came home to a large envelope packed full of evidence of everything they’ve ever done, things you never knew about. Paired with a simple note “leave what is mine alone or else”.

Alex never wants you to know about what he truly does. Would you ever hold his hand again knowing how blood stained they are? Would those soft lips still say I love you? Despite his pure intentions he knows not all of his orders he’s been given were good. So he just tells you he works in surveillance. It eases your mind thinking he’s hiding on a roof somewhere, not down in a gunfight.

When he comes home after an extended time away you’re distraught with worry that he lost his leg. You will die never knowing the truth about what went down that day.

It’s not always that he wants to keep you in the dark, but sometimes it’s just truly classified information that you can’t know. And shouldn’t, it would give you nightmares. This man could rewrite history books if he shared what he knows.

Alex keeps hidden security cameras around the house. You don’t even realize they’re installed. He’s got extensive knowledge of technology and he used it to his advantage. He’s very good about keeping you a secret from his job but sometimes on those late nights he just needs to see you sleeping peacefully at home. And yes there is a tracker on your phone. Can’t lose track of his sweet little angel.

Everyone highly underestimates him. Too soft hearted, too eager, too naïve. The way his eyes darken and chest heaves as he stands covered in someone else’s blood shocks a room of experienced soldiers. A version of a man they rarely see, a version of a man you don’t know. Yet that version of him is who checks the house when he hear something at night. The version who corrects people who speak to you rudely. The version that growls in your ear from behind as your bodies tangle. The version who got rid of all of your problems. The Alex that will pull the earth apart and unleash hell to create a heaven on earth for you alone.

Alex is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

[creepswrites]

Hi, I just read your hcs about reader struggling with anxiety and depression, it was really great! I am also sorry you're going through tough times rn, I really really hope you'll feel better soon. Tbh I've been going through something myself and reading the Sinclair brothers' hcs, it reminded me of an idea I've wanted to eequest for a long while. I would like to request for the Siclair brothers (separately) x gn!reader headcanons where the reader struggles with mental health issues, but since they don't really leave Ambrose they can't get to their medication. How would they approach the brothers about it, would they hide it, how would the brothers react, you know.

Of course you can work on this when you feel like it, if you're not feeling like it with what's going on in your life. Or scrap the idea altogether, or add whoever you want. Thank you so much for letting me get my thoughts out tho <3 You are valid. You are loved. You are seen.

thank you for the kind wishes, i do appreciate it :) i tried to keep this relatively inclusive as to what exactly reader is suffering from but some stuff may be a lil specific. and don't worry, writing helps distract me so i'm happy to do this <3

SINCLAIR BROTHERS x GN! READER WHO NEEDS THEIR MEDICATION

BO SINCLAIR

You absolutely tried to hide it at first. How could you not?

Bo wasn't exactly... understanding about that kind of thing

I mean, you've seen how he acts with Vincent sometimes and thats his own brother. You don't want to imagine how he'd treat you if he knew...

But you knew the longer you went without your prescriptions, the more difficult things would get

It started small. Your moods would change randomly and very drastically - one extreme to another or you'd have trouble sleeping or oversleeping or - your least favorite - you'd lash out at one of the brothers for seemingly nothing

Bo noticed. He didn't say anything about it because he assumed that, if it was that important, you'd tell him

So when you had a full on meltdown on the kitchen floor one afternoon, he was blindsided

He had no idea it'd gotten this bad and, unfortunately, his first reaction was to get mad at you. He yelled at you, tried to get you to pull yourself together. After all, if you had been suffering, you would've told him! Right...?

It's not until your crying abruptly stops that he realizes he fucked up. You shut down on him, near catatonic as he tries to apologize

He's scared. And when he's scared, he lashes out. You know that. It still doesn't make it hurt less

The brothers agree that there needs to be regular trips made so you can get your medication. Lester offers to take you since he's the one who goes to town the most anyways

You and Bo get into an argument about it once or twice because he doesn't understand why you wouldn't tell him

His heart breaks a little when you tell him you didn't think he'd believe you or would look at you differently for it

He reassures you that no, never. He totally understands the moodswings, the angry episodes you have, those things

Once you're on your meds again, you two promise that if anything major like this happens for either of you, that you can always lean on each other

Bo takes time getting there but he grows to understand you and figure out how best to help you!

VINCENT SINCLAIR

You tell Vincent pretty early on that you need medication

While you don't give him many specifics as to why, you tell him that life will be better for all of you if you keep taking them

At first he's a little apprehensive of letting you go into town so Bo goes with you to pick it up

Not because he doesn't believe you! But because he's scared you're still trying to escape

He wants to know what they're for so he's not above snooping around to read the labels

(You'd tell him if he asked but he didn't know that)

The amount you take surprises him and he tries to think about what you're like off them, in a morbidly curious way

He is, however, insistent that you're taking them consistently and without interruption. Vince makes sure you take them every day and gets on his brother's cases if they give you a hard time about it

They're not cures though. You both find that out the hard way when he finds you trembling in the corner of his shop like you were in freezing weather. The panic attack was violent and took you by surprise but Vincent holds steady

He sits with you, humming soft melodies to try and ground you

When you're ready, he hugs you and you just break down into tears. You'd never wanted him to have to see you like this, you don't want him to think you're some fragile china doll who can't take care of themself

But he would never see you like that. You explain that, while the meds make them less frequent, you're not cured completely

Things will slip through the cracks sometimes and that's okay! He'll always be there when you need him

When he catches you scratching yourself anxiously, he buys you gloves and makes sure you keep your nails short

He catches you picking at your face and gets you small bandages you can place over the spots so you don't obsessively pick

Vincent is always doing little things to try and improve your quality of life, even if you're taking medication!

LESTER SINCLAIR

You don't really tell him but you also don't hide it from him either

He notices you taking pills every morning and every night and is able to put two and two together

Probably asks you what they're for once you two have been dating for a bit but it doesn't really change much in your relationship

He's relatively chill about it though and offers to take you into town to pick up your meds

Likes to hoard pills for you so you never run out - it's an irrational fear of his but you think its sweet

Whenever you get sad, Jonesy and Lester are both right there to comfort you however you need

Sometimes, when the bad thoughts get too loud, Lester catches you staring vacantly into the bathroom mirror or out windows and he worries

One night you wandered out into the woods, barefoot and freezing, just because you felt so out of touch with your own body

Everything felt fake and floaty and you just needed to be out somewhere harsh and grounding and real

You love Lester, you really do, but there, in the forest all alone, all you could think about was how empty you felt

He finds you early the next morning and he was clearly worried sick, still in his sleep clothes with just a flashlight and an anxious Jonesy

Once at home and warm from your shower, he pleads with you to talk to him about it

You finally spill about how you've felt completely dissociated from yourself, even with all the meds you're taking, and it just got to be too much

He gives you a hug and you both agree to try and find other ways to shock you back to reality that don't involve you wandering into the forest at night

Turns out, an ice cube on the back of the neck works wonders to snap you out of whatever stupor you've found yourself in!

Lester is as involved with it as you'd let him. Never ashamed or afraid to lend you a hand with anything!

[gloria5413]

MY Least Favorite stereotypes of the Ilvermorny Houses

Pukwudgie:

I don’t like the idea that they carry around med-kits. That just stereotypes them way too much. It feels like it’s the older Pukwudgies giving tips to younger students on what herbs, teas, healing spells. Older students would also help with mental health exercises and how to deal with different triggers. Not all healers have to be in the medical field, maybe they are good at emotional healing, helping other students with their mental health because they understand their own mental struggles. It could be small things like reminding their friends to eat, take a break, drink some water. They are probably better emotionally healing because their house represents the heart. But just because they represent the heart doesn’t mean they won’t beat down anyone who threatens their loved ones. Ruled by the heart they follow emotion/feelings more than logic. They are protective, might have anger issues, and might even have a self-defensive or fight club. They probably know the signs of someone who is suicidal or on the verge of having a mental breakdown.

Wampus:

Most people think of them as the big dumb jocks who hit first and ask questions later, but this is not the case. The stereotype is that you might envision them with huge muscle and amazing at athletics. As J.K Rowling stated Jacob would be in the wampus house. Even though he is chubby, pudgy, not the fastest or the strongest. To be a warrior you need to be brave, but being brave doesn’t mean having no fears. They get knocked down all the time, and even though they are tired they keep trying. Because sometimes you fight not because you think you can win, but because you need to be able to look back later and say that you fought, and that you tried. There are different ways you can be a warrior; it doesn’t always mean you’re in combat. Sometimes being a warrior means to fight against your own doubts, insecurities, and demons that plague your soul.  

Thunderbird:

Their whole stereotype is that they are restless wanderers, always looking for the next adventure to fulfill their high. But having the soul of an adventure can be interpreted in many ways. For most thunderbirds it can be trying out a new coffee shop down the street, doing to a local food festival within their own town. It doesn’t always have to mean you’re traveling across the world, spending money to do extravagant things. It could just be taking baby steps to expand their introverted lifestyle. It means having the simple courage to try new things and be open to new experiences. They are more like daydreamers who encourage each other to try different things without breaking boundaries. Thunderbirds are very Intune with their emotions are likely to trust their gut/intuition which leads to them exploring a different way of doing things. Many have the mindset to take what resonates and to leave the rest.  

Horned Serpent:

Since their house favors scholars many think they are just stuck-up book worms which further from the case. They may not necessarily be studious, but they love to learn. Some of them might have some learning difficulties such (ADD, ADHD, dyslexia, math dyslexia). Others gifted burnout kids that still get great grades because they can hack the tests and guess well. Some of them might love learning but hate school because it adds unnecessary stress to their mental health. But they are eager to learn about different places, ideas, aspects and concepts. They want to learn by real world applications more than books, they want the freedom to make mistakes and instead of getting penalized they are able to learn and grow as a person, that way they can pass on their knowledge to others. Being a horned serpent, they are most likely to also be street smart as well as book smart and by Combining the two it helps them and those around them succeed.

Written by Gloria.T.P

[anexperimentallife]

Life/Health Update

The thing we've been most worried about is the damage to my heart from COVID and anti-inflammatories. BP has been slowly going down over the past few months, so that would seem to indicate that at least SOME of the damage to my heart is healing. Let's hope. Need to get all those tests done again to know for sure, but for now they've taken me off one of my BP meds, so that's promising. (This was the main thing we were considering trying to get back to the states for, so I could use my medical benefits.) The rest of the stuff impacts quality of life, but isn't directly life-threatening, so if the other issues have to wait, they have to wait.

The hole in my throat still needs closed up. That will probably be the priority once we get my mouth issues (below) sorted. This one is kind of dangerous, as food, medication, and liquids often get stuck in there, and can throw off med dosages and sometimes cause me to choke. Been lucky so far, I guess.

One place in my jaw still pokes through inside, and another is threatening to. If those places don't start reabsorbing within the next few days, they'll have to open up the inside of my mouth AGAIN to file them down. So I'm gumming my food for at least another eight weeks before we can do anything about new teeth.

We're able to get the eye drops that take down the swelling in my retina fairly regularly now, so here's hoping that if I keep using them for three more months they'll have some kind of permanent effect. Probably still need surgery on that eye, though. Sucks that this happened to my formerly good eye--it used to have 20/10 vision. Temperature seems to play a role in the amount of fun-house-mirror-vision, but we live in the tropics, so not much to do about that. (We live in the mountains, so it's not as bad as the lowlands, but AC is rare up here.)

I don't think the cataract in the other eye has gotten too much worse, but that's obviously going to need surgery eventually, as well. If I can come out of this with one good eye, I'll consider myself lucky.

Brain fog (combination of long COVID, ADHD, Autism, and a traumatic brain injury) is still bad, but not as bad as it was. Nothing to do about that but wait.

My spine injuries are still an issue, with occasionally arm cramping/paralysis that used to be JUST in my right arm, but now sometimes spreads to my left. At least the cramping keeps the muscles toned? (Trying to look at the bright side here.) Neck exercises and stretching help with that, as does ice. (I mean, yeah, there's the constant pain, too, but that's the least of my concerns.)

Still need that second foot surgery, because the cauterization didn’t completely take from the last one; not only am I open for another infection (like the two-year one that an infectious disease specialist finally cleared up for me), but walking is pretty painful, too, even if I’m not talking about joint injuries.

Joint injuries... Hoo boy. Definitely gonna need a hip replacement eventually, and probably both knees.

I have chronic fatigue now, plus every pre-existing condition and old injury I had has been exacerbated by long COVID. It sucks. My stamina is improving little by little, though.

Treatment for all of the medical stuff has to wait for one thing at a time to be affordable. My health was stable until COVID, but now... Damn. Unfortunately, COVID came around around the time we found out we were having a baby, and four bouts of COVID have left my health completely fucked and exacerbated all my old injuries.

(If you're new here, you may not know that the licensing contract to convert some of my old fiction to a game--which, fortunately, did not count as "work income" for social security purposes--got canceled just weeks after El was born, meaning our income dropped way down, and that a snafu with Eleanor's birth certificate made her stateless, which took every bit of our savings plus the proceeds from a fundraiser to correct. If not for the combo of COVID and El's birth certificate snafu, we'd be fine both medically and financially.)

I'm working on plotting out more Quiet World and Alex And stuff, which I'll be shopping around, but frankly, even if it sells, it probably won't be much. (If you were here in 2013, you may remember that I had just started to have success selling my fiction to pro markets when my sons died, which threw me for a loop for several years, so I have to start over building a reputation.)

We've considered a move back to the US to use my medical benefits, but a) that'd be expensive af, and b) the US may be on the edge of becoming a military dictatorship, so even if we had the money for it, we'd want to wait to see what November holds.

So yeah, that's what's been going on with my health and our finances. As always, @thesurestthing and Baby El bring me joy, and my sort-of-adopted niece @geniussheepworld is a great help to all of us.

With so many people in the world suffering so much, I am reluctant to post a funding link. We are MOSTLY financially stable--it's just that we have to save up for my medical stuff while we work to finish paying off about 11K USD of debt from El's paperwork thing and all the medical whammies (and thank you to everyone who has helped already)--but if you want to help with that, the best link is either our paypal donation link or Ko-Fi.

[caffeinated-and-annoying-bard]

Lord forgive me but there are girls in there. In my school. They have known me for 3 years and I don't talk much to most of them but i need to vent a bit. Ceaseless and meaningless rambles. Today was the last day of class for my 5th semester (only exams and final engineering project are left) and I'm emotional

Andy and her eyebags. I don't know her very well, but everybody knows that Andy has the hugest eyebags you'll see in your life, her face is sharp and when she smiles you can see something scary in there. She's so sharp. She has won best orator at our school contests for 3 years straight, many external poetry-reciting contests, is in the board of secretaries for tecmun, and currently getting into med school in CDMX. I think I've got a head and a half on her, but you almost never notice how short she is, with the way she can make a room go quiet, as she scans your eyes in search of– something. I think she saw fear in mine once. She didn't bite me, she smiled and my heart almost failed me right there–. She's the girlfriend of one of my engineering classmates, Leo, good man, awesome taste. I wish I had spent more time watching her (or talking to her, for that matter) during these last 2 and a half years.

Azul and her movements. Azul is my friend, she's in all of my classes and we've become very close this semester (I'm sure I could have loved her. It frustrates me a bit, the ways in which I didn't cooperate at all. We're just too similar, except that she's smarter, funnier, more hardworking, a bit taller, calmer, and has some sort of calm glow around her. She dances, she writes, she's in theatre with me, she learns so many things so fast and she's already applying for the uni scholarships in our school. I'll take a sabbatical year, but goddamn I feel like I'm missing it. I still have time, I could go to the same course as her (we have both been aiming for mechatronical engineering) and be by her side for 3 years. I will never get back every single French class when we cannot stop laughing at some stupid thing and saying nerd shit at each other (mostly her, though. That's a compliment. She has so much in her brain, so much in her soul. She's also very tired.) She dances– silly little choreographies that can look elegant while still meme-able– whenever she's stressed. I could have loved her. I love her in the only way you can love someone you didn't get enough time with, someone that you know will be separated from you in half a year. But you know, I could have loved her properly. If I had been less of an idiot.

Abril and her round glasses. She's my best friend. We've been growing a bit apart this semester, because I'm a mess and she's a different one and also she's got a boyfriend (better than her ex-girlfriend. She sucked. This guy is nice, listens to my advice and we're streak-friends in duolingo) but I'm pretty sure I'll never manage to understand how to live without her? From the friendgroup that formed when we started highschool, she's the only one that stuck. She and I, we took it as a defiance of those who hurt us. Hurt her. Mostly her. Sometimes we hold hands and I feel like we're meant to be there, like the only ones who are properly allowed to snicker during a 6-hour long bus ride are she and I. For a time this summer, I thought i was in love with her (when I want to Vienna for our student exchange program, she went too. There wasn't a day in which we didn't talk about anything and everything, and she was fighting with the asshole (now i can call her that) that was her girlfriend then (fuck you sofía). It was just her (her long, soft blonde hair and her huge round glasses and brown eyes like the dream of a titan. Her intelligence, which hits you in the face. It's nice to have a friend that knows at least a bit of anything, and everything about some things. I'm a know-it-all, she ACTUALLY feels like she could possibly know it all. When she looks at you so coolly and she has a pencil in her hand and you just know she's about to draw your bare soul. When she explains something about literature, medicine, philosophy, chemistry, physics, history, art? Psychology?? Her voice is a constant stream of repeated information in my brain) and me against everyone else. Her voice could wake me up from a coma, if she told me she was hungry and we should go get food. She's a very negative person sometimes. Also a trump supporter, I think? And me, a selfish dickhead who's too deep in his own victimisation to analise how my behaviour affects others with my 180° from "tears up on the thought of being selfish" to "i'll never apologise again" (none of those mentalities has ever stopped me from hurting people and being toxic, mind you), is frustrated. I'm frustrated with her. She knows me better than I know myself and I should know her better. But I know this will get better, she'll get better and I'll do my best to try not to hide from her tomb-of-a-hundred-secrets brown, all-knowing gaze. I love her. We have time.

Eun Chae and I haven't talked in 2 years. The fight with the 1st semester group did it, and she hurt Abril so, so much. I still think she's pretty.

Mariana was in my classroom during my first year. She's stunning. She was openly bi and talked to me in that "i am speaking spanglish and could be very mean if i wanted to but i am not. Because i like you!" Tone that i've always hid from. Niña fresa voice, but she was nice to me (whenever i let her copy my french and programming homework, at least). She dropped out of the multicultural program last year, and i never admitted it out loud but i only started watching Good Omens because a pretty girl told me to. I am a weak man, and an animal (although I loved Good Omens, that was never a contention point). Abril's ex-girlfriend told her (and she told me) that Mariana had said to her(the ex) that she only talked to me because I let her copy my homework, and that I was "pretending to be autistic and making a fuss" (paraphrased, what she said in spanish can be taken much more harshly). The day she comprehends the feeling of not-belonhing, of inhumanity, the constant chant of rejection on the back of my head will be the day I feel true vindication. I am not a good person, and I have never been one, but I thought I could be, 2 years ago. I proved myself wrong.

I thought Ana was pretty when we were friends. She's the only one, one of the onlt girls at my school whom I think is ugly. She's not, objectively, but she did so much harm, on purpose and knowingly and with so much venom in it, all with the voice tone of an angel. I don't think she's pretty anymore.

There was the girl from my volleyball team in 1st year that hugged me once and I never recovered from it. I never caught her name and I'm too awkward to ask now, but she knows mine and says hi to me after my physics class every morning. She's tall and athletic and carries a blanket to school because she cannot be bothered with the cold. She's, from what I've seen, a sunshine in the least romanticised way possible: she burns you with her brightness. She's awesome.

Majo is so strong. So short. So, so short. She's a horse girl who's on the go for a B2 in Japanese, she plans her family trips all on her own and plays genshin impact in class (then asks for us to explain calculus to her. Icon). What I like most of her is the feeling of chaotic comfort she can bring into a room. She will pick me (I have like 2 heads and a bit on her) up and/or drag me through the floor. She will laugh. I will laugh, and the teasing will feel so unfamiliar yet fitting that I can't help but love her. I love being her friend, she sends pictures of her horse, Lukka and sends 10min long audios of F1 gossip. She bakes for fun even though she can't eat it (fear of family diabetes) she BROUGHT A WHOLE BAG OF BAKED GOODS TO SHARE IN CLASS BECAUSE TODAY WAS OUR LAST CLASS DAY BEFORE THE EXAMS. She's so lively, so lovely. She can make you feel safe and listened-to while pulling your hair and making fun of you. I wish I had made friends with her earlier.

From a year below, there's Zuri, Luz and Renata (there's so much about them but I'm getting tired) from theatre and from 1st year there's Sofi, Pau, Mariali, Maat. There's Sofi, Mariana (a different one) Mila and Miriam from uni (our campus is big so all of them are in theatre with us)

There's stupid idiot motherfucking Sofía (Abril's ex) whom I'm so happy to no longer be obligated to talk to.

There's so many more girls in my classroom to talk about. I'm graduating in a semester and there are so many girls I never made friends with. I'm a weak man. (I do have male friends, of course, and some of them even make me feel like one of them, but this post is for getting emotional over girls. They are pretty. Thank you for your understanding).

[awaitingfall]

07.14.24

Wasn’t planning on posting today, but I’m starting to feel a little anxious so maybe writing it out will help.

I feel like something’s been going on with my heart. It beats so fast and so hard at random times throughout the day. Well it might not be random because I feel like it happens after I eat certain foods like carbs, and then maybe after a long day of not being too active it starts to beat like that in the evening. Or also when I’m having bad stomach cramping, which happened this morning again. But also just walking up a flight of stairs. I live on the 3rd floor of my apartment building and I walk up and down them everyday, you’d think my body would get used to it by now? But I literally have to stop before the last flight and just chill for a few seconds before I finish. And it’s not like I’m incredibly out of shape or anything.

I’ve only noticed it get this bad in the past few months, but I’ve definitely had a faster heart rate almost all my adult life. I don’t really remember the POUNDING heart ever being an issue other than after I’ve done something super active. Part of me feels like it could be from my neighbor’s cigarette smoke getting into our apartment and breathing that in whenever we’re home. Most times when we come home it REAKS of cigarettes. All I want is to have my own space away from other people’s bullshit but I don’t have enough money for a down payment on a house 😭 Anyways, I really don’t know what else it could be from. Maybe my meds are starting to affect me, but I’ve been on the same ones for years now, nothing’s changed. Although, now that I think of it, I used to take my anxiety meds at night before bed until I realized that I would get a pounding heart when I was just laying in bed trying to fall asleep. So I looked it up and that is one of the side effects of the med…shit, maybe that has a lot to do with it since switching to taking it in the morning. Damn I would’ve never thought about that if I didn’t right all this out, SEE writing out my problems DOES help sometimes! 🥲 Regardless, I could probably work on my cardio to help strengthen my heart, but I feel like that’s not fully addressing the issue. I see my doctor at the end of the month and I’m going to ask her to refer me to a cardiologist so they can run tests. I’m only worried because my grandfather died from heart related issues, although he didn’t have those problems until he was older. I just want to be careful and take care of myself as best as possible, especially while I’m still young.

I’m sure my anxiety doesn’t help with the rapid heart rate. I’m sure it just makes it worse once I start worrying about it.

I really want to be off of all of my meds. I feel like starting birth control is the reason I began having thyroid issues and made my anxiety worse. But I’ve been on birth control for 10 years now and I’m scared of how my body is going to react to stopping it 😰 If anyone has had any experience with stopping birth control can you comment or send me a message about how that went (would be even better if it was the Kariva brand). I feel like I hear so much negative stuff and I’m worried if I stop it it’s going to uproot my entire life. I did have fairly painful periods before BC and my job is very active, I feel like I’d have to ask off at least 3 days/month just to rest, but I’m also the fucking anchor holding everything down at my job and the only one who can work the press so no actual orders would get done for 3 days and my boss would not be about that 😭

Idk, just a lot to overthink about. But hopefully since I wrote it out here it won’t keep me up all night and I can have a peaceful sleep 😌

I’m just going to start fresh tomorrow. Wake up at 5am, start with a guided meditation sitting up in bed, drink some water and take my meds, then go upstairs and get a nice well-rounded workout in. My breakfast will be scrambled eggs with kimchi, spinach and feta cheese on some sourdough toast. Then I’ll prep my lunch and dinner which will both be plain Greek yogurt with some of that farm-fresh honey I just picked up today and a goji berry trail mix on top. And then I’ll spend the evening reading.

I just can’t let my boss stress me out tomorrow. The fact that he’s back in the shop for 2 months just makes me want to quit, but I know I’m stronger than that and can’t let a random human being affect my mental health like that. I shouldn’t let anything affect my mental health, unless it’s in a positive way 😤

[werewolf-femboy-maid]

Day ??? of being a violent angry idiot :"(

Eh I was violent again and apparently me and my so enable each other :") at the very least I wasn't super violent and I did at least some push ups to help with the tension release

I really am grateful for myself for even trying still

I'm doing better with my parents and I'm very grateful for that. Yes I inherited my worst traits from them, but I see the human in them for that.

And as the days go by, I have been improving in reducing damage

I hate meds so much I hate the way they turn me into a puppet. I'll try meds one more time but knowing what I know, I probably just need the regenerative farming produce.

Dark leafy greens and citrus are your best friends.

There is so much to be rediscovered and discovered.

Of course I'm not saying don't take your meds esp if you're already on them. Like I don't have ocd but I know life is a lot worse without meds with ocd.

Which makes me more desperate for answers.

Where are these chemicals generated, and how?

Stim break because I'm very sad and tense and I need to love myself

Life is already so hard, please don't make it harder for yourself </3

The sadness never ends, but neither does the joy.

w a t e r

(I'm thirsty lol)

*CRONCH*

Nothing will ever be the same again, for better or worse.

Flowers and plants smell so good :) sometimes I wonder if the apple feels pain when I bite it. Is it still alive in itself after long being away from the tree?

A meal with a loved one is one of the only things that really matter. Cherish your mother.

It bleeds because it loves.

I know it hurts so so much. I know how desperately you wish the flames would stop. I know you don't want to hurt people. It hurts so much and I love you so much more for trying at all. You're so much more loved than you're comfortable with.

Making mistakes is how we learn.

Making mistakes is how we learn.

Making mistakes is how we learn.

Making mistakes is how we learn.

Making mistakes is how we learn.

So how do we heal?

I guess I have to forgive myself again for making the same mistake.

I did give myself credit for being less problematic this time. But I still feel bad.

I guess that's also a lame aspect of being human and traumatized. Idk :/ I also have a REALLY bad ego problem, and very very little impulse control.

Not a good combo, guys. :/

But yknow part of the healing process is learning to deal with the shame, the guilt, giving myself the time to undo the patterns my poor brain has grown accustomed to.

Oh my poor head.

Bttw after only two minutes of angry screaming, your body needs 7 WHOLE HOURS to recover hormonally. And your immune system suffers badly during those 7 hours too.

Stress probably causes cancer and heart disease, guys. I'm going to die early and not see my potential grand babies if I keep this shit up.

I must continue in my healing journey despite the horrors.

Oh my god what a day

It was actually a nice day

I learned a lot and relaxed and actually applied to part time job for the first time this year :) my friend helped me a lot and I can never appreciate her enough <3

God what a day tho

Hey god, if you're real, I'm really sorry for talking shit to you and about you because of all these human religions and my own selfishness and pain.

I cannot imagine what it's like. I wonder.

What horrors have you seen? What horrors are you capable of? What joy have you experienced?

To feel. To be.

The constant stream of consciousness.

Well I'm gonna play ponytown and or show off my ponies in another post. Until next time, my dears. These are hard times, so you should not be hard on yourself unless it's lovingly and healthily. Goodnight and stay safe <3

[king-minyard]

Hey hope it's okay to comment on your recent vent post, feel free to ignore if not - would you personally recommend going on adhd meds? Your post conceptually resonated with me because my fear is that everything will be so much better on the meds than off that I won't want or be able to stop taking them

Omg hi !!! No worries, I love asks! <3

ADHD meds helped me a lot, personally. I did a lot of healing and found time management and organization strategies that worked for me before starting them, and those tools became better and easier to use after I was medicated.

I am, however, a very small person and, apparently, very affected by the lowest amount of meds. The ADHD meds that worked for me are stimulants, which I am sensitive to. I had to go through several to find one that didn't give me heart palpitations!

That being said, it was easier to find the motivation to do things after I got medicated. The skills and coping mechanisms I developed before worked so much better, and they didn't take nearly as much energy!

My grades rose, my self esteem rose, my anxiety (which was directly related to my lack of time management and failure to be organized) lessened, I could make appointments without worrying about missing them, I could go to classes on time, and I could do my homework the week it was assigned instead of on the day of or not at all. I was journaling more, going outside more, remembering to eat, remembering to sleep, and taking care of myself better.

Again, I was medicated after I'd already been found ways to cope and adapt that worked for me, and all meds did was make using those tools easier.

I can see why you would be scared. Experiencing life as it was after experiencing it as it could be is like flying for the first time and then being put back into a cage. It sucks!

That being said, you're still able to stop. I've tried going without my meds sometimes for months, and I feel the same every time. The issue is not in whether or not you can live without meds - after all, you're here! The issue is in knowing that it could be so much easier. That it doesn't have to be like this.

I recommend trying it. The worst that can happen is that it doesn't work or doesn't make anything better. It would hurt to get your hopes up and have it not turn out well, but at least you tried, and that's something to be proud of doing.

[soursturniolo]

any advice on writing a character with mental health struggles?

do your research, don’t just base everything off of common known stereotypes. I think writing it comes easiest when you’re writing about a struggle you yourself have faced, at least that’s how it’s been for me in past fandoms I’ve been in writing fics with mental health themes. I haven’t written any of those for the triplets yet.

for me, writing about a character or reader with anxiety or depression comes easiest, because I live with those two diagnoses and have off and on since I was 16. I can give you some pointers on those two, but keep in mind depression and anxiety can look very different for everyone.

Tw below: descriptions of depression and anxiety

for me, depression comes and goes. There are days, weeks, sometimes months go by and I’m perfectly fine, not feeling depressed at all. and then there are times when it hits me like a semi truck. There’s different severities with it too. Sometimes it doesn’t hit hard, I just feel numb and bland and it’s like all the colors of the world are muted. Other times it hits and it’s hard to get out of bed. It’s hard to do basic human things like shower or eat or brush my teeth because I’m so fucking tired. There has been occasions where it’s even been worse than that, I’m not going to speak on those times, but I think you can probably pick up on where it’s gone during those super dark times.

anxiety is something that for me is always there, just at different intensities. sometimes it’s pretty quiet, just like a whisper here and there I can ignore easily and redirect my thoughts. Other times it can be all consuming. It makes me nervous and irritable and makes it feel like my hearts in my throat. I just think of all the worse case scenarios on a loop and worry about the past and the future and shit that I know logically won’t happen but my brain says they could so I freak out. I think of mistakes I’ve made or shit I wish I had done differently and it’s really hard to get out of that place. There are physical symptoms too, like developing ulcers, headaches.

people cope differently with mental health stuff. Some people manage fine on their own. Others go to therapy. Some take medication. For me, it’s a combination of all of that. I have coping skills I rely on, I have a therapist I see regularly still, and I take meds that help my brain work properly. I still have some bad days here and there, but for the most part it’s managed well.

I’ll also take this time to say if anyone is reading this and going through mental health struggles, pls know there’s help out there for you. People care, people love you, you matter, and you deserve to get better. My ask and messages are always open.

[harmcityherald]

starting vote day out with strong coffee and queen of the damned on tubi. I'm still a great fan of the music in this film and although it takes too many liberties with the source material its still a glorious lestat romp.

so I'm not looking forward to standing in line today. I'm not allowed this or that in the voting booth but they didn't mention pepper spray. first magat that gets in my grill gets it. lol.

discussing politics and world events with my granddaughter this morning. I'm so proud of the woman she has become. not to sound my own trumpets but she has a good head on her shoulders and a good heart in her chest. This one learned critical thinking skills from me and I couldn't be more proud. we both keep our politics close to our breast. we don't like to argue with the family. its good to feel I have an ally in this and I know she feels the same. let them write us off. it only shows they weren't worth having in the first place. she's a smart lady and I'm proud and thankful to have been a part of it. Its wonderful sometimes to see the ghost of your own teachings come to life. it lets you know you've done the right thing. were in the right places at the right time. it makes facing mortality softer around the edges. I have done some good in this world. contrary to popular opinion.

the weather is lovely today. at least that is a plus. Good old Baltimore, one day its 80 and sunny the next its freezing rain and 30° cooler.

The struggle is always real and ever present but it is a fine morning to be alive. Usually I would keep such a rosey picture to myself but then I want to share it with everyone. a tiny light from my heart I guess, to add to the greater light that shines from us all.

but that's enough coffee mumbo jumbo for all day. take your meds. stay hydrated. smoke some weed. if, like me, you're voting today, vote blue, all the way through, no matter who. Take solace in the fact you can cast a vote today against fascism and authoritarianism. you can add your voice to the thousands who struggle for freedom and equality in the most meaningful way possible. so whatever, vote because you have that right when so many in this world don't. vote for those who can not. let the light from all our hearts combine to light the way to a better future for all of us.

ciao~

[jodilin65]

So Tom thinks you should be able to move to another country. This is when I asked him what he thought of the immigration situation which I do not support. He has a point but I think there should be limits. Too much is simply too much. We only have so many jobs, doctors, and housing here.

Slept horribly again. Strange sounds woke me up that Tom said he didn’t hear, then I had to get up and pee, and then I couldn’t breathe out of my nose because part of my nose strip came off. Tom swore he didn’t hear any loud bangs and he checked the camera for the time I thought I heard a loud engine of some kind and didn’t see anything. He told me the other day when he was napping that he could have sworn he heard someone knocking on the door, got up and checked, but no one was there. Then he checked the camera to see if he missed anyone and he didn’t. So I guess that sometimes these things are in our dreams. I swear whatever is up there is hell-bent on doing whatever it can to fuck with my sleep!

Well, I can’t fight back against the imagined sounds, the occasional nightmares, or the screaming bladder, but I’m now pretty sure that my nose - which is getting stuffier by the minute - is because of the losartan. It makes no sense that after being here for over two years, I would develop allergies like this or that it would be from the rat even though she’s close to the bedrooms when we had two to four rats in the other place and I didn’t have this problem. The only animals I’m allergic to are cats and they affect my lungs, not my nose. So I think the losartan is responsible for the stuffiness and the snoring as well, which also started around the same time.

It’s not dangerous to stop BP meds for a while and couldn’t cause the problems that stopping my thyroid meds would cause so I’m going to hopefully have an answer within a few days to a week, according to my research. I might have to try something else or not take anything and really watch my sodium intake and hope I don’t get kidney damage from the high blood pressure if I’m not able to get the weight off, or if I am and it doesn’t help. Not everyone with high blood pressure gets kidney damage, though, just like not everyone with high cholesterol has a heart attack, and not all fat people become diabetic. There’s just an increased risk, but not a guarantee.

I still expect to have some fatigue because my thyroid still isn’t perfect and I’m still older but I’m pretty sure I never had sleep apnea. Dozed for an hour earlier which helped a bit but I’m still quite exhausted. I’m very grateful for speech-to-text because sitting up typing all this would be a bit of a drag on those really tired days.

Sleep was horrible, as I said. I had to have woken up at least half a dozen times and one of the times it was hard to get back to sleep. First I thought I heard or at least felt a couple of thumps, then a loud engine, then I had to pee, then it was my nose, and then I had an awful dream about getting ready to move back to my home state with my parents. I didn’t know Tom in the dream. I’m not sure where my parents and I were living but we weren’t living together at the time. They were in the process of looking for a place up north for the three of us and I made them a tearful video trying to explain my sleep disorder to them, knowing they wouldn’t get it.

As for the diet, I was horribly hungry and tired yesterday, so I’m going to take today off as Tom suggested and then rethink how I’m going to approach it from there. I can definitely say that 1200 calories is too low for me in this day and age. It takes more calories for me to feel good than when I was younger. So if I feel comfortable with 1600 calories a day as I usually do, that’s probably what my body needs. Besides, I’m not that big so there’s no point in being obsessed over my weight other than in Andy’s imagination, lol. The question is what direction do I want to go? Do I want to add 100 calories at a time until I feel better but might still be able to lose weight, or start at something like 1500 a day and deduct 100 calories at a time till I’m not feeling as good and adjust from there?

It might rain today. This is definitely the wettest winter since we’ve been here. Seems a bit colder too but if there’s any good in it it’s that it’s keeping the honker off his motorcycle more often.

I was in the bathroom in the evening when I heard those dogs going off and I swear they sounded like they were in the field behind the house. Then the barking quickly faded away as if they ran around the corner of a building which makes me think even more that they’re behind us and not coming from that subdivision. Because sounds travel easier in cooler weather they were almost to the point of being annoying.

[vamptastic]

I haven't sent you a message like this before.

I wish it were under better circumstances.

Wow, that sounded ominous. Okay, what I mean is that it sounds like you had a rotten morning, and I'm sorry about that. You unwittingly slammed face-first into one of the more tangible weeping wounds in trans femininity, which is how raw it often feels to see anything that appears to doubt or question a trans woman's lived first-person experience.

I'm a trans woman. I understand. After a lifetime of being told "you're sick," then "you're not this way" then "you might be this way but that's sick and you're wrong" and then "fine, we'll treat you, but you're still wrong about everything you report because we have an NIH study from 1973 about chemically castrated prisoners and that's a lot more important than what you say," there is a great deal of sensitivity. Sometimes it almost is pathological- innocuous words take on malevolent shadows just because being a trans woman so often means a state of heart-tight vigilance even among friends.

Being trans femme, also, is one of the worst of intersectional misogynies: You aren't believed about anything and that includes being a woman except you also are dismissed and belittled because you're a woman or at least Not A Man.

But I also could see plainly you were speaking in terms of scientific equivocation, the way an aeronautical engineer would correct a colleague and say, Well, Bill, technically, gravity is just a theory, so we better had approach it that way instead of expecting this to be the same through that wormhole when we bolt on those nacelles.

No matter what, you also phrased things in a way that was without hostility and showed no bad faith.

Moreover, you're literally just some dude on the internet who does not deserve to be made scapegoat for the ten thousand asshole parents, doctors, cops, bureaucrats, and dumbfuck checkout clerks who keep calling a woman with an Instagirl body and a pretty-passing face in full makeup sir because of the name on a debit card.

Nothing excuses any abuse you've suffered.

Sadly, you've also slammed into another hard part of the trans community: There, um, really isn't one.

There are people pressure-welded by common experience, except that experience is mostly negative: Dysphoria, a personal lacking that defies words and easy solution, despair, persecution, the cold terror that turns over in the gut when things grow quiet and stares get too long and people's words rarely are kind.

Common misery does not a community make.

And there are assholes who also transition. I have found a common online culture describing itself as Leftist- whether this is true is the subject for another analytical tirade- has incubated an insane belief that victimhood purifies; well, it doesn't. Pain and hurt and injustice mostly just make people worse, and the worse people are to start the worse it gets.

So there's a lot of "worse" around here, too. There's a galaxy of immaturity, petty cruelty, and high school politics. The victimhood pageant can get intolerable and strident and emboldens behavior that is disproportionate, cruel, and alienating.

You were owed a message like this one: In all my experience, trans women do menstruate. I never have met one who does not. I have a regular cycle I chart on a calendar. There is PMS. I have physical pain, emotional distress (sometimes I'm almost psychotic, to be honest), irrational flares of sexual desire past an already hypersexual person's sometimes-pathological extremes, digestive upset, and other delightful symptoms.

If you're curious, my current protocol is a weekly .25ml dose of estradiol valerate by subcutaneous administration paired with daily 100mg progesterone doses. I am on no other meds but Tadalafil (5mg), which I have not seen is of any clinical significance, but again- there are vanishingly few studies. My menstrual cycle began within approximately a month of starting HRT.

So, of course, anecdotal at best- and these are pretty lousy anecdotal insights for any study, premised as they are on recall and little endocrine tracking with no useful clinical data to offer except irregular ass-covering blood draws for testosterone and estrogen serum levels.

But there is almost no meaningful medical literature on the subject because, well, there is almost no meaningful medical literature on trans medicine at all.

I do not believe you were being dismissive of trans women's lives. I do not think saying, Huh, really? That's interesting. I wish there were more data, is anything close to being dismissive.

People are scared, and they're angry, and at night when you're in that state a beagle with a wagging tail can look like a bristling guard dog if that's all you're used to seeing- which does not at all justify lashing out in any way. This is a mutual sensitivity issue to be solved by communication.

So I'm sorry people were unkind to you. You did not deserve that.

I've always thought you're great in all the time I've known you here, and I still do. You're a very kind, intellectually curious, and open-minded person, and that is amply on display.

I hope things just get better for you and stay great.

:3

i really appreciate this message, thank you! in hindsight i think a better way to phrase my tags probably would've been "this is very interesting, it lines up with my anecdotal experiences and it reminds me of some of the weirdness that comes with PCOS, i'd love to see more studies on this since that's a big area of interest for me" rather than "that's interesting, i think it's probably true" because it left room to assume i think lack of data = lack of phenomenon. PCOS is an area of interest for me and i have some pages of notes on it, so when i see things that remind me of my notes i tend to go oh, civil debate about my hyperfixation time and not oh, you're looking for some recognition from society at large that this thing you deal with is real and deserves study and treatment, not a comprehensive review of the literature.

this is meant as more of an explanation than a wholesale absolvment, but: my dad does this thing when i talk politics with him where he factchecks me incessantly. if i say in a conversation "housing first programs are more effective in getting homeless people employed than shelters kicking them out at 6 am to job hunt", my dad expects that i can pull the name and details of a paper out of my memory mid-sentence to prove it, though he'll still listen to my points on causality and give his opinion if i can't. apparently this is a thing he decided to do on purpose as a Parenting Method, he's not just naturally that much of an ass, but he didn't tell me that until like, last year, and he's done it for as long as i've had enough of a brain to talk politics. which is all to say, i have a strong inner critic who tells me to not make claims without stringent sourcing and add a qualifier (or say nothing) if i'm not sure. being jewish i've had it called my 'inner lawyer' and joke that it's one of my ancestors communicating with me through the veil.

it's also funny that you use the aeronautical engineer example because he's indeed an electrical engineer (and i'm studying environmental engineering) and his workplace related mannerisms probably rubbed off on me. it made me a beast on high school debate team and makes me very good and convincing random people that i'm smart, (which probably further exacerbated the problem lol) but it also means i approach what are meant to be casual questions about my opinions with deadly seriousness and end up earnestly recommending somebody who asked me a one sentence question a 200 page book they'll never read.

qualifiers like 'i think', 'it seems', 'probably', 'most likely', etc are everpresent in my speech and only get more pronounced the more i care about a topic and don't want to get things wrong. it seemed inappropriate and also not worth my time to bother explaining a fundamental aspect of myself resulting from my childhood to an angry tumblr anon though, so i didn't bother. therein lies the problem with sending people you don't know angry anon asks.

in short, i think the person responding was reading in possibly the worst faith imaginable, but they're not wholly unjustified in being annoyed at my phrasing. that's kind of just one of my traits and it's a double edged blade. i try to temper it and i never mind somebody telling me that they disliked my phrasing, though the tone of that anon was needlessly accusatory.

your response, and most of the comments as well as the original post itself, are obviously totally reasonable. the only reason i was on tumblr at the asscrack of dawn was because my sleep cycle is currently in the dumpster, and i didn't read the original post as thoroughly as i normally would or organize my thoughts as well as i'd like to have. i completely agree with the original post. i think your symptoms and those shared by other transfemmes are obviously real, and i want more studies to be done so that people can't pretend they aren't, and so that transfemmes may be more able to alleviate or avoid these symptoms. i truly can empathize with being constantly told that your period symptoms are both not normal and not worth caring about. that is medical misogyny in its most obvious manifestation and it's most certainly something trans women deal with and that transphobes hate to acknowledge.

you are very apt in explaining why this is difficult to study, other than there just not being a lot of research on trans healthcare in general. the same problems with data collection arise and go sorely unaddressed in studies on cis women (frequency of changing of menstrual pads is, imo, virtually meaningless data, for example). it starts to compound when there's also just less care and interest for the health of trans people in general. there's a lot of subpar methodology on the data regarding the average menstrual period that does exist, and not enough interest to then go on and use that to produce better studies. there's also this problem where you have the ability to do a study and say alright, trans women definitely have periods, but it may take much longer for there to be a study saying why (as with PCOS) because the mechanisms of the endocrine system and common disorders thereof seem to just generally be less understood by science than say, the cardio-pulmonary system. it's shocking and awful that there's one, subpar study on this. it feels like so much of the research in trans medicine reflects the fears cis people have about us and neglects our day to day concerns. i hope more trans people get into the medical field and this can start getting better.

in the spirit of solidarity and because i love to kvetch, here's my own experience with periods: i had godawful periods which gradually worsened from age 10ish (precocious puberty) until i finally got on contraceptives at 17. by high school the pain and bleeding were severe and i had begun to get a host of other symptoms. vertigo, brain fog, hot flashes and occasional fevers, gastrointestinal distress, constant hunger pangs due to my stomach muscles spasming combined with constant nausea (no vomiting, luckily), and a spike in libido that was profoundly unpleasant when combined with all the other stuff. i also probably had PMDD but never had it diagnosed. i now take 5mg of norethindrone and haven't had a menstrual period since with virtually zero side effects, and according to my endocrinologist i can keep on doing that until i hit menopausal age.

when i finally did get it figured out, my PCOS diagnosis was then used by medical professionals to suggest i should be first made to try estrogen before pursuing transition to see if it 'fixes' me (i did not actually have low estrogen or high testosterone) if i didn't have obvious proof of an endocrine disorder i'd probably still have a doctor telling me to quit my birth control before 25 for no real reason every time they see my med list. suffice it to say: i empathize, and i hope the medical field improves on this.

i think that's pretty much all i have to say regarding the actual topic the anon was upset over, or at least all i can phrase coherently. as for the rest of your message, i think you're dead on about the problems that keep showing up in the trans community, insomuch as there is one. the raging victim complex that social media seems to foster becomes a thing of beauty when one is legitimately being victimized on a daily basis. it's more tolerable than the rest of the internet by far, but the 'leftist' side of tumblr is just impressively angry, all the time, and incredibly prone to black and white thinking. neither constant self-flagellation nor positioning oneself as the perpetual victim is productive, and both are rampant.

it's a topic that's hard to elucidate and that should probably be its own post but i also relate strongly to experiencing misogyny and then being told that you're not because you're not a 'real' woman. of course this is further complicated by the fact that i don't actually want to be a woman at all. i often feel that transitioning means i have to give up on all of the paltry resources afforded to women in the STEM field whilst still facing increased difficulty at every turn. the degree to which people will perpetuate misogyny against me and then turn around and say, i'm not a misogynist because you're not a woman, whilst also treating me noticably worse than cis men is insane. one of the most maddening aspects of misogyny is that women are mistreated whilst also being told that they lack the mental faculty to know when they are being mistreated. further complicated by trans people generally not being allowed to lay claim on either gender. there's a lot more to be said but i'm going to just leave it that because i really struggle to elucidate how i feel about this.

finally: thanks for the message, i really truly appreciate it. i struggle with RSD a lot and i get terribly anxious over accusatory asks like that, through no real fault of the asker. having a voice of reason say hey you are literally just some guy on the internet and you are not, in fact, responsible for all social evil is a great comfort. i think you are also very kind and incredibly intelligent, and i appreciate that you always approach in good faith and take things seriously. most of my posts are poorly formed musings on things i don't understand well, and it's nice to know that people can read them and see valuable ideas and aren't constantly trying to find the most damning interpretation possible, since that's like half of the activity on this site.

i hope things go (and are going) well for you too :)

[melye1981]

I Am A Child of God...

Yes, I was baptized as Christian on Mother's Day of 2010. Even before then, I always prayed and believed in God. Even though God wants you to do your best in life, and bring out the best in one's self, sometimes life gets us down, and God doesn't judge it. He knew this before he created Man.

My mom once told me, "God only blesses those who pray that help themselves. Don't say a prayer for a job, for example, if you won't be willing to put forth the effort as much as you can on YOUR part, because God won't help you." I believe this to be true.

God didn't create perfection in Humans, and rightfully so, for He is the maker of all. The only perfect entity is God himself.

That's why I'd like to share a bit of my own imperfections... I've struggled with disabilities since the day I was born. My biological father was on heroin when I was created. Little did my mom know, it would have a devastating impact on me. For my entire life... When I came into this world 42 years ago, on February 9th, 1981, my heart stopped, and my lung collapsed. I had to be delivered via emergency C-section.

I stayed in the hospital for a month in the NICU with all these tubes and wires connected to me. I had to have emergency surgery to restart my heart and reinflate my right lung. Once I was able to go home from the hospital, I was fine, up until I was 5 years old. My mom said she found me unconscious in the bathroom, with my head resting on the tub, and the rest of me sitting on the toilet.

My parents took me to the ER to see what was wrong with me. They did some tests and concluded that I had Epilepsy. So, they put me on meds for it. Fast forward 5 years... Epilepsy disappeared, but mental illness took its place. I had learning problems in school, mainly when it came to math. I still have those learning disabilities today, regarding math. I can't even do division. I always get the answer wrong. I can't do pre-algebra nor algebra. I'm a good reader, but I don't always comprehend what I read.

My parents just thought I had bad anger issues, but never assumed mental illness. I got in trouble with the law quite a bit as a teenager, and quite a few times as an adult. When I was 27, I had a psych eval done on me, and finally figured out where my anger and abnormal behavior came from... I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder, Borderline Personality disorder, Social Anxiety disorder, and PTSD from childhood trauma.

I am 42 now. My mom was my hero, my everything. She stood up for me when others would wrong me in whichever way they could. She was the shoulder I had to lean on when I came home from school crying because I was being made fun of. Ten years ago, I tried to purposely end my life, because at age 32, I was still being made fun of for many things. I couldn't take it, so I tried to kill myself. I nearly died. Literally hanging on by a thread. Scary, to say the least.

I promised my mom that I'd never try that again. It's been 10 years, and I haven't broken that promise. My mom has since passed away in 2021, now I have to stand on my own two feet, and be the strong woman my mom raised me to be, and stand up for myself. Being mentally ill sucks. Taking a pill every day for the rest of my life sucks. Realizing how much mental illness has taken from me sucks. One person I cannot seem to forgive, although my mom suggested I should, is my biological father.

Had it not been for his carelessness of his sex life with my mom, I probably wouldn't have all these problems. But since there's nothing I can do to change it, then I have to live with and accept the fact that I am mentally ill, but my mental illness does not define me as a person. I still am an individual, I still have talents, smarts, and a lot of wisdom, thanks to my mom. I struggle every day with depression. Some days I don't even want to eat. Some days, I don't want to do the dishes.

Some nights, I cannot sleep. But I try my damnedest to be a good person to others, and try to love myself, although it's not an easy feat. But I know, that as long as I TRY, as long as I put effort into everything I do, and keep praying to God for the things I need and want, live as good by his word as I can, that I will succeed at something. I have yet to find my purpose in life, but I believe God will bring me to that when it's time. As my mom once said, "If God brings you to it, He'll get you through it." I believe that to be true. I would've died at birth, if God didn't have a purpose for me here. Mental illness robbed me of being a mother to my kids, robbed me of many things, but I'm destined to kick mental illness in its ass and defeat it once and for all, and if I never do, then God will forgive me, for I did not ask for this...

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

246 of 2023

Do you ever judge people based on if they believe in God or not?

No, I don’t. There are many religions in this world.

Do you ever brush your teeth in the shower?

No, I need a sink for that.

Has your printer ever stopped working at the last minute and you had a paper due the next day? What did you do?

No, I always have more paper and ink just in case.

Are you sometimes scared to express your opinions in fear of what others might think?

No. I’m just myself.

Do you have a girl that is strictly a friend that isn’t related to you that you can go to?

Yeah, Nancy I guess.

Have you ever painted your nails on only one hand, forgetting about the other one or getting side-tracked?

I dopn’t even paint my nails.

Have you ever tried sucrets?

I don’t know what they are.

Would you date someone that smokes?

Well, my husband smokes and we’re married, so. I don’t like it, but at least he does it outside.

What about drinks?

On occasion is fine, but not constantly.

Have you ever gone to one of those parties where everyone is falling around drunk everywhere?

Yeah. No fun.

Are you “the good guy”, or “the bad guy”, or somewhere in between?

In between, but more good than in my teens.

Do you ever erase the numbers off of surveys just because they annoy you?

No, I don’t erase anything. No point in it.

Person you like shows up at your house: you…

It wouldn’t happen because it’s not a thing in my country.

Last person you talked on the phone with?

My physiotherapist, to bring back the appointment.

Do you think you will have the same best friend a year from now?

Even longer, I’m sure of it.

Do you have siblings over the age of twenty-one?

My sister is almost 28, but 21 is not a special age in Europe anyway.

Will tomorrow be better than today?

Let’s hope so.

What do you hear right now?

TV in the background.

What was the last thing to go into your mouth?

Food, probably.

Do you usually tell people when you’re mad at them?

Yeah, but they have to do something really bad.

Honestly, how is your heart lately?

Full of love.

Do you miss anyone?

Yeah, J. and M., but such is life.

Are you waiting for a phone call?

No, I’m not.

If an ex said they hated you, what would you say?

I wouldn’t expect him to say that.

What would you do if you found out your most recent ex was in a relationship?

I’d be happy for him.

What do you think when someone kisses you on your forehead?

It’s cute, but my husband is shorter than me.

What do you usually do right when you wake up?

Open my eyes, I think.

Are you looking forward to anything?

Yezah, psychiatrist appointment later on.

How late did you stay up last night?

Midnight, so I’m tired now.

Do you truly hate anyone?

No, I don’t hate people.

Would you ever get a tattoo?

I have two.

In the past forty-eight hours, have you hung out with a girl?

Not at all.

Were you happy when you woke up today?

More like relieved.

If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you?

Yeah, but I’m not sure.

Would you rather go back a week or go forward?

Last Monday I was in the hospital, here’s your answer.

Would you ever smile at a stranger?

We do it a lot in my country, and so do I.

Who was the last person to text you?

My husband.

What are you doing today?

Just done with cleaning, now doing this and preparing for this appointment.

Truthfully, is there someone you used to date that you miss?

I’d say Nielsje, but we’re still friends, so.

Have you ever gotten burnt by a cigarette?

Yeah, that’s painful.

Have you ever been so bored that you started drooling on yourself?

...what?

Do you brush your teeth right away when you wake up?

Nah, first I have to get up and go to the bathroom, probably just like everyone else. First I take my meds anyway, it’s the most important.

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

Yreah, my sister.

Want to get smashed tonight?

I don’t have time for bullshit.

What time are you getting up tomorrow?

6:00 because I go to work.

Are you happy with the choices you’ve made?

Yeah.

Think back to last June; were you single?

I was married already.

How did you feel when you woke up today?

Sleepy.

Have you ever made someone laugh when they were crying?

Yeah, my sister. I just tried to cheer her up, and it worked.

Describe how you feel right now.

A bit sleepy, a bit tired, but kinda satisfied.

Would you date someone three years older than you?

Why not? Age doesn’t matter, unless you’re a minor. I’m in my 30s anyway.

Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning?

Both.

Do you think more about the past, present, or future?

Present, I guess.

Are you okay with the life you live?

I wish I was healthy, otherwise yes.

Could you handle living with the last person you texted?

We already live together.

Was the last book you read for fun, or was it for some type of assignment?

Definitely for fun.

Have you accomplished any goals you set for yourself this year so far?

The year has barely started.

If you could go forward in time and see your life 5 years from now, what would you hope to see?

Happiness and better health.

Are there still movie rental stores where you live or have they all gone out of business?

I don’t think there are any.

What was the last thing to annoy you or make you upset?

My husband, but it was brief.

Have you ever been ditched by someone only to find them out and about with someone else?

No, I was never that much into dating.

How old were you when you had your wisdom teeth removed?

I’ve never had them removed.

What is the last song you sang out loud?

Probably Onderweg by Abel, I love this song.

Where was the last job application you filled out sent to?

The company I work in now, 9 years ago.

Have you ever been fired from a job?

Yeah, but not really.

What do people tell you your voice sounds like?

Like a teenager whose voice still changes. Not funny at all.

What financial class are you?

Upper working class and proud of it.

What poster is hanging closest to you?

We don’t have posters in our house.

What time did you go to bed last night?

Midnight, I feel like I answered it already.

Do you watch any reality shows?

Not on regular basis, but if I happen to watch one, it’s just for laugh.

Are you more comfortable with men or women?

Men, possibly because I’m one of them. But many women are really cool, too.

Do you think you’re fat?

Yeah, even though I’m close to underweight. It’s still too much.

Have you ever borrowed money from someone and never repaid them?

No, I’d never do that. I don’t like having debts anyway.

Do you have a pet cat?

Even two.

What is worse: physical or emotional pain?

Both are awful.

How is your hair?

Short and messy.

How long does it take you to fall asleep at night?

Too long, I need to fix it.

How many people have you had strong feelings for in the year of 2012?

None.

What are you doing for your next birthday?

Nothing special, it’s a day like every other day.

Would you go on a date with someone right now if they asked?

No. I don’t date around, and I didn’t even before marriage.

Do you believe that if you want something bad enough, you’ll get it?

I always do, so yeah.

Last movie you watched?

I don’t watch movies, but yesterday I watched Twilight for lolz. What a drama XD

Who were you with?

My husband.

Who came over last?

The postman. I had to close the door so our cats wouldn’t escape.

Have you ever wanted to be a ballet dancer?

No, never.

Does your family keep tons of leftovers in the fridge?

No, we either eat everything or give leftovers to somewhere else.

Favourite FRIENDS character? That is, if you like it.

Rachel and Monica.

Skullcandy headphones, yay or nay?

Never had them, so no opinion.

Are you thinking of getting another piercing? Where?

Probably in my right ear, if ever.

Do you love when people remember little things about you?

Yeah, it’s very nice.

Do you ‘bless’ strangers when they sneeze?

I do, but they not always respond XD

How many phones have you gone through?

Too many to count, I got my first phone at the age of 15. I’m almost 33 now.

Have you always lived in the house you currently reside in?

No, I haven’t even lived in this city before.

Do you think your future will be a good one?

Hopefully so.

[littlethingwithfeathers]

Please insert "I'm not a doctor. Please consult with one if you need actual help" statement here. I'm just a migraine sufferer who has found things that work. The breathing trick is a blood pressure regulation technique so there’s definitely a reason it could be effective. It’s a way to slow your heartbeat down and lower your blood pressure. Back when I stage managed for a ballet company, the dancers used it to handle stage fright and to help lower their heart rates and blood pressure after a high-intensity performance. It also works for tempering anxiety spikes and for falling asleep!

Another temperature thing that works is putting an ice pack on the back of your neck. This one... I'm not sure why it works exactly? But it does. I know a lot of people who swear by it. Also also... if you struggle with migraines and can't tolerate any of the RX meds or don't have access to them, alternating two ibuprofen with two Tylenol every 2 hours for about 8 hours works wonders. This is also a great way to reduce a stubborn fever. Also also also... hydrate. Seriously. I definitely have better management of my migraine symptoms by staying hydrated. I'll also vouch for the B12 trick. I combine it with the above and will sometimes take my meds with an Emergen-C immune supplement... not for immune-boosting stuff but because it has a big dose of B12 in it. That's why you feel better when you take it. Low B12 is sometimes a cause of or exacerbates pain or mental health conditions. Same with Vitamin D. Also... in all seriousness, learn your triggers. I get that this is hard if your migraines are super rare, but learning to spot and manage your triggers can let you pre-game so to speak. Like, a major one for me that I cannot just avoid is weather and air pressure. So I watch the weather carefully, especially the barometric pressure. I make sure if there's a storm front coming, I am well hydrated and have taken some ibuprofen. Sometimes I'll still suffer with the brain fog and fatigue, but at least I'm not in pain. And lastly... don't underestimate the power of essential oils. No, they won't cure you or do any kind of magical woo, but they do help with migraine symptoms for some people. Peppermint is a huge help for me... whether in tea, essential oil, or some other more desperate form like a breathmint/mentholated cough drop, mouthwash, toothpaste, or taking a shower with peppermint soap. I have gotten relief from all those things. Even if just enough to get other meds into myself and go to sleep. But my favorite application is an essential oil roller that has various mints and lavender in it.

Hey, so this isn't meant as advice for you, this is me asking if you have experience with trying a bit of advice I heard, and what your experience was with it? Basically I was told that two things that can help with migraines is soaking your feet in hot/warm water (possibly with ginger?) and to do breathing exercises where you exhale more than you inhale. Have you heard this advice before? Did you try it and if so, did it work for you? I get migraines pretty rarely but it's always so debilitating when they do happen and "go somewhere quiet and dark for 2 days" isn't always viable but is the only reliable method Ive had so far, but Id be down to try something like this if it has any validity to it?

I have tried them, and they have never worked for me. Alternating ice and heat directly over the pain helps me more (especially heat over my "trigger" eye), but usually, just so I can try to sleep through the pain, otherwise I'm going to be awake the whole 20+ hours, and that's never fun.

Your mileage may vary, and tbh, it's worth trying as they are fairly easy to do -- and who knows, you might get lucky and have "easy*" migraines that respond to deep breathing and soaking your feet.

For what it's worth, I've heard some people get more out of the foot-soaking thing by also putting a cold cloth/ice pack on the back of their neck. It helps aid with vasodilation and vasoconstriction, which can sometimes be a factor in migraines.

Aside from correcting my atypical binocular vision disorder with vision therapy and corrective tinted prisms, the biggest help I've had for my migraines has been from taking B2 supplements as recommended by my neurologist.

There's some evidence to show that taking 400mg of b2 for 3+ months can help lessen migraine intensity and perhaps even prevent them. Supposedly it works better if you also take magnesium.

I used to just take magnesium which is a common migraine "hack," but it never did much for me. Adding in the high dose of B2 was what finally made a difference. My migraines are still 20+ hours, but they're less painful, and I can be somewhat functional with them.

Obligatory: Talk to your doctor before starting any new medications, including supplements.

Good luck. I hope you find a solution that works for you.

---

*No migraines are easy, but some of us have harder-to-treat migraines that don't respond to "easy" solutions. Whenever someone asks me if I've tried deep breathing and Excedrin because it always works for them, I am both happy for them but also want to throttle them, lol.