caffeinated-and-annoying-bard
caffeinated-and-annoying-bard
Give me bullet power. Give me power over angels.
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If you love me, Henry, you don’t love me in a way I understand. Do you know how it ends? Do you feel lucky? Do you want to go home now?
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
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just got fired from my job reading erotic fiction for audiobooks because i kept pronouncing “penetrates” like it was a greek philosopher
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Rest in peace to a legend
Lived to 97 years old, invented the Jello Shot, Wrote some of the best satire I’ve ever heard.
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“If after hearing my songs just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or perhaps to strike a loved one it will all have been worth the while.” - Tom Lehrer
Listen to Poisoning Pigeons in The Park, Listen to The Elements, Listen to The Masochism Tango. His contributions shall not be forgotten.
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From 6-DLC
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I refuse to believe it. At the very least you have Simon and Klavier who would definitely not care. Just admit that you took this case on yourself because you missed your Wright Probably when he heard that the bride ran to the Wright anything agency he started "Wright? Did someone say Wright? He's going to defend someone? I'll be a prosecutor! Don't care what the case is, I'm a prosecutor!"
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sorry for drunkposting AND hornyposting on main but i need to say. the discourse is old as dirt at this point but. wrightworth are SWITCHES they TAKE TURNS with whose on top and/or in charge and im TIRED OF PRETENDING THEY DONT. miles needs to be in charge sometimes but be also needs to cede control and let someone else take care of him. phoenix loves to take care of his lovely bf and listen to his demands but sometimes he also wants to watch that twink's brain unravel. and also theyre t4t
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if i work on this any further i will lose my mind and never post it so. here it is!!
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introducing phemoix guyliner wright (based on my friend suggesting i draw him in eye makeup) and mimes edgeworth (based on a very unfortunate typo i made while talking about him)
ok now it's time to convince myself to put the pen down and NOT change anything abt this.
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Edgeworth's beautiful and funny wife Phoenix Wright...
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I'm fairly new to the ace attorney fandom, currently playing the first chapters of Phoenix Wright
But so far
...you cannot convince me Edgeworth and Wright do not fuck
We literaly got enemies to lovers, childhood friendship, academic rivalry, profesional admiration, do i need to keep listing things that might as well count as ao3 tags?
In fact, not only do they fuck, but they have this dynamic where they both switch and call who bottoms that night on whoever loses the case in the morning
THEY ARE AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE SHUT UP
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OMG I LOVE LOVE LOVE Krisnix & Langworth happening before Wrightworth like it just WORKS. ( SPOILERS FOR AAI AND AAAJ)
Edgeworth has to travel abroad and doesn't feel ready to date Phoenix YET. So he meets Lang, and it's genuinely a nice starting point for him, given that he's been alone and suffering for so many years. Dating Lang is like a breath of fresh air. He shares his life goals and values, and him being so confident and strong-willed (not that Edgeworth's not confident and strong-willed) really boosts Miles' transition as a person AND a prosecutor. For Edgeworth, he really was the right person at the wrong time cause he obviously still wants to be with Phoenix but it's still too soon for him ( also Phoenix just got disbarred and is super depressed and closed off and refusing to let anyone in on his problems and then he just starts dating kristoph all of a sudden and it really looks like he cast some sort of spell on him)
Phoenix dating Kristoph, on the other hand, was super toxic and humbling. Maybe Nick needed a wake-up call that he can't always bluff his way through every trial and defend his clients carelessly. Krisnix is a relationship where you know both are hurting and hurting each other, like they are just praying for their partner's downfall. And you just know Kris is whispering to his ear and growing seeds of distrust towards his friends in Nick's mind isolating him even more, and deep down, Nick feels like Kris is the only one left for him, and maybe all of his suspicions are just paranoia. To add fuel to the fire Edgeworth starts dating Lang and Nick just loses it, everything he's done all these years was to get to Miles, and now his gone and out of reach just like his attorney's badge (come on he can't possibly compete with LANG it's so over)
Of course, after they finally get together, they have both grown and done with their personal shit and can finally be together in peace.
At the end, it all ties up in a narratively satisfying way and I just love it so much
P.S.: Lang and Edgeworth are on good terms, their breakup was mutual (Lang is not quite over him but understands that his heart is with someone else). Phoenix is really, really jealous of him and gets flustered every time he shows up or is brought up. Krisnix's break-up was so nasty, Phoenix changed the court system just to get him the death penalty. No one mentions Kris or Dahlia around him.
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this ask is unrelated to anything, just your art and portrayal of Phoenix Miles and Trucy has me constantly thinking of Miles in the middle of a workday full of nothing but boring paperwork and pointless meetings just sighing and going "I miss my wife. I miss her a lot. I'll be back." (reference to Snapscube's Sonic RTFD) and just. leaving work to come home to his wife and daughter
I THINK ABOUT THIS EVERY DAY
Whenever something particularly taxing comes up he thinks about Phoenix and Trucy. It's a slow day and he thinks "I can't wait to see my spouse and daughter." Then he has to do a double take because yeah he has a spouse and daughter whoa that's insane. Then he decides to bring home flowers and sweets for them.
He comes home and there are arms open to him. There's laughter at his dinner table. His halls thump with footsteps that aren't just his own. He has someone to watch his favorite shows with. He has someone to confide in. He has people to uplift and uplift him in turn. I bet it feels a little crazy for a person like Miles.
Aggghgahgh
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My problem with loving Narumitsu is that now I can only truly enjoy a ship if someone can write a 250,000 word essay about it with a full list of evidence and so that while reading I can cry from such a beautiful relationship
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Tumblin' on the tumblr
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It's a somewhat popular headcanon that Scout's aim isn't that good if not downright horrible. And while I'm not here to criticize someone's headcanon I do want to say that I don't believe that could be canonicaly true.
Like.... guys... he's the fasted guy there, he do be freaking zooming. Of course it's hard to aim like that. And yet he still manages to not only shoot people but also shoot them enough to kill them. My guy kills for a living. He's not bad at aiming. Maybe he's not the best there, he definitely isn't because that would be Sniper, but that's where the comparison shows even more. Sniper stands is one freaking spot more often than not, he also has a zoom. It's not rocket science.
Do I think Scout would be as good at aiming as Sniper is if he were in his place? No, of course not. But dare I say thinking that Scout's aim is terrible when his literal job is to kill people is insulting, and, my "favourite" thing do to people, infantilizing.
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I Read The Silmarillion So You Don't Have To, Part Fourteen [END]
Previous part.
Of the Rings of Power and the Third Age In which a master smith makes some jewelry with his new bestie, which becomes a really big problem for everyone.
What were the Elves doing while the Men were building Númenor? I’m so glad you asked!
The Elves… figure themselves out. With Beleriand gone, they basically have to start over from scratch. Most of the remaining Noldor stay on the west coast of Middle-earth. They build the Grey Havens, a port from which they can sail the Straight Road and return to Valinor if they so choose. Other Elves, mostly Sindar and Green Elves, go east and live further inland, intermixing with the Silvan Elves who were already living there. The only inland kingdom of the Noldor is Eregion. Eregion is right next to Khazad-dûm (Moria), and it’s the only Elven kingdom that has ever had a good relationship with Dwarves. As a result of that relationship, Eregion becomes renowned for its smiths, and for one Elf in particular: Celebrimbor.
Celebrimbor is the last of the Fëanorians. He’s Curufin’s son, and he stayed behind in Nargothrond when Curufin and Celegorm were exiled. He is Fëanor’s only grandchild — for whatever reason, none of Fëanor’s other sons had any kids. That’s where he gets his superior smithing skills from. Celebrimbor is the best Elven smith Middle-earth has ever seen, save for Fëanor himself.
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Celebrimbor by Kazuki-MENDOU
Now, let’s backtrack — pre-the Fall of Númenor, when Sauron was still trying to gain a foothold in Middle-earth, he felt threatened by the (good) Númenóreans and the remaining Elves. Men were easy for him to corrupt, because Men are hubristic and easily manipulated. But what Sauron really wants is to corrupt the Elves. Elves are much more powerful, and have access to more lore and greater skill and so forth. So, Sauron puts on his fair face and goes around, trying to sway the Elves to his side. He avoids the kingdom of Lindon on the west coast, because Elrond and Gil-galad (who’s still High King of the Noldor) will see right through his bullshit. But everywhere else, the Elves fall for it.
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Sauron by Krabat
Sauron calls himself Annatar, “Lord of Gifts,” and makes his usual big promises: “Don’t listen to anything Gil-galad and Elrond say about me! They must have something against bliss and prosperity. Maybe they’re jealous of the idea that you’ll become as great as they are. If you stick with me, I can make your kingdom as beautiful as Valinor! If you haven’t gone back there, it must be because you love Middle-earth as much as I do. So… why shouldn’t we make Middle-earth as beautiful and glorious as Valinor? For the betterment of Elfkind!”
Eregion receives “Annatar” the most warmly, and eagerly signs onto his Middle-earth Beautification Project™. Astute readers will notice that Eregion is no longer thereby the time LotR takes place.
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Sauron by Insant
There’s a sad irony to the fact that, among Elves at least, creativity is often the source of corruption. Men are brought low by their own hubris and fear of mortality, yada yada. Elves are brought low by their desire to create beautiful and enduring things. Morgoth finds the Noldor to be the most corruptible because the Noldor love learning and craftsmanship, Fëanor especially. Sauron finds the people of Eregion to be the most corruptible for the same reason: they love developing their skills as craftsmen. Tolkien’s whole Catholic justification for this is that a preoccupation with material beauty risks distracting from and compromising one’s devotion to spiritual things. In short, no amount of skill or earthly beauty will even come close to the divine beauty of Valinor. Sauron knows this, and the Eregion Elves should have realized this.
It’s also important to remember that Sauron himself is a smith — before he was anything else, he was Mairon, a humble Maia of Aulë (the smith god). In addition to the Rings, Sauron’s distinctly industrial style of warfare is a twisted manifestation of his devotion to craft and technology.
So, the Eregion Elves take to Annatar like moths to a flame.
Annatar gently guides the Eregion Elves in the forging of nineteen rings. In particular, he makes friends with Celebrimbor, to whom he teaches all his knowledge of smithcraft. Celebrimbor and the other smiths help Annatar forge sixteen of the rings, but Celebrimbor alone forges the Three Elven Rings: Narya, the ruby Ring of Fire, Nenya, the adamant Ring of Water, and Vilya, the sapphire Ring of Air. They have the power to stall the slow decay of the world. Sauron wasn’t part of their creation, which is why the Elven Rings don’t automatically make their Ringbearers into his thralls.
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Celebrimbor by David Gresit
In secret, in the magma of Orodruin in Mordor, Sauron forges a Master Ring that he can use to dominate all the other rings (including the Three). Wearing the One Ring allows him to see through the eyes of the other Ringbearers, and control their minds. As soon as Sauron puts on the One Ring, his cover is blown. The Elves realize that “Annatar” was the Dark Lord all along, and that the whole thing with the rings was an evil scheme to control them. The Elves immediately take off their rings, and in response, Sauron wages war on Eregion. He reclaims the sixteen rings, arguing that they’re his by right, because they were made with his power and knowledge. The Elves manage to save the Three, but Celebrimbor dies.
There’s frustratingly little of this story in the Silm. Annatar and Celebrimbor have a significant fandom around them, as you might expect, so I was surprised that there’s so little to go on in the source material. I completely get why people are so fascinated by Annatar and Celebrimbor’s relationship: there’s the potential for a toxic-tragic ship dynamic, obviously, but Celebrimbor is also a much more interesting and more sympathetic character than Ar-Pharazôn. In Ar-Pharazôn’s case, Sauron takes advantage of an already-corrupt leader to engineer the fall of a kingdom from behind the throne: typical politics stuff. Celebrimbor, on the other hand, is an artist with one hell of a family legacy, who is genuinely trying to do good. Maybe he’s trying to make up for the crimes of his forebears, or trying to live up to his grandfather’s artistic achievements. Annatar is a fellow genius who encourages and elevates Celebrimbor’s artistic pursuits, leading to the creation of his masterwork, the Three Rings. And then, Celebrimbor is stabbed in the back by a person he thought was his friend (possibly literally — it doesn’t say how Celebrimbor is killed, or by whom). And the Three Rings, like the Silmarils, become a potential catalyst for evil. The tragedy of the Last Fëanorian is compelling, so it’s a shame we get so little of it. But this is a book already packed to the brim with compelling tragedies, so I suppose I shouldn’t complain so much.
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Annatar and Celebrimbor by Erenias
Regarding the rings themselves, something you may not know is that the giving of rings was a representation of fealty between lords and their vassals in Anglo-Saxon culture. (The “rings” weren’t usually finger rings, they could be any circular jewelry like a bracelet, torque, or crown.) A common Old English epithet for rulers is beahgifa or beaga bryttan,  “ring-giver” or “ring-dispenser,” or even hringa þengel, “lord of the rings.” Tolkien absolutely knew this, so, maybe he used that concept to inspire Sauron giving rings to each of the free peoples of Middle-earth, making them his thralls instead of his vassals, in a perversion of the practice. Rings in general have a lot of significance in Germanic culture and mythology. Another likely source of inspiration for Tolkien is the Andvaranaut, a cursed ring that appears in the story of Sigurd, which ruins the life (Túrin-style) of anyone who possesses it. It’s the basis of a famous opera, The Ring by Richard Wagner.
Tolkien may also have been inspired by the real-life story of the Ring of Silvianus, one of few surviving remnants of Romano-Celtic paganism in England. A Latin curse tablet (a small strip of lead engraved with a curse) was found at the ruins of a Romano-Celtic mystery cult in Gloucestershire. Tolkien himself was summoned to do some linguistic analysis of it. The tablet’s inscription calls upon the Celtic god Nodens to curse a thief who had stolen a ring. The thief’s name was “Senicianus,” and as it happens, that exact name is engraved on a small gold signet ring that was found in Hampshire. It’s therefore assumed that this ring, the Vyne Ring, is the same one that was mentioned in the curse. There’s no actual proof that Tolkien was inspired by the Vyne Ring, or even that he knew the ring existed, but Tolkien fans jumped on it anyway. Whether or not the ring has any real association with Tolkien, I think this story is incredible: Not only is the curse tablet addressed to a rare Celtic deity, but we actually have the stolen property it mentions? That never happens!
The point is, Tolkien didn’t take one look at Wagner’s The Ring and lift it all from there. The man knew his shit. (Stating the obvious, I know, but still.)
Okay, thank you for indulging me on that tangent. Back to the Silm.
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Annatar by @gerwell
Sauron destroys Eregion, but his plan to dominate the Elves has failed. So, he tries his luck with the other peoples of Middle-earth. Dwarves and Men proved to be much more corruptible!
Dwarves aren’t that useful to Sauron, because they’re stubborn and don’t like to be told what to do. The only real influence the rings have on them is to make their greed even worse. Greed turns to wrath, so, most of the great Dwarf kingdoms tore themselves apart internally. (We get a rare bit of Dwarf lore: legend has it that the first treasure in each of the Seven Hoards of the Dwarf-kings was a little gold ring. But dragons stole them all. Sauron was only able to recover some of the Seven; the rest were melted in dragon fire.) Men, on the other hand, are perfect for Sauron’s nefarious purposes.
Each of the Men he gave the Nine Rings to initially became great kings, sorcerers, and warriors, and gained immortality. Their rings also granted them invisibility and the power to see spirits. But their eternal lives deteriorated until they were torturous, and their psychic vision drove them mad with nightmarish hallucinations. (It’s like in every vampire story, where you think immortality is going to be great until you have to figure out what to do with yourself for eternity. Then add schizophrenia on top of that.) Eventually they were reduced to literal shadows of themselves, and became the Ringwraiths.
With the Ringwraiths, Sauron’s dominion spreads fast. He’s already got a massive army, made of orcs and all the other monsters that Morgoth left behind, and now the Nazgûl. It gets so bad, that this period is referred to in LotR as the “Black Years.” Almost all the Men worship Sauron as a god-king. Many of the Elves who loved Middle-earth enough to stay after the War of Wrath decide to cut their losses and run, fleeing to Valinor in droves.
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Witch-King of Angmar by Kawin Akaworawit
There are only two remaining threats to Sauron’s power: Gil-galad, and Númenor. This is why Sauron decides to take down Númenor. While he’s busy kissing up to Ar-Pharazôn, Middle-earth gets to take a much-needed sigh of relief. Gil-galad is able to recover some of his power. When Sauron’s antics irrevocably break the world, and Elendil and co. arrive after Númenor’s destruction, Elendil quickly becomes friends with Gil-galad. With Gil-galad’s leave, Elendil creates the kingdom of Arnor in northwestern Middle-earth. (The barrows that the Hobbits stumble into date from this period.) Elendil’s sons, Isildur and Anárion, travel south and found Gondor. They build Minas Ithil and Minas Anor, the towers of the Rising Moon and Setting Sun; each brother lives in one of the towers, with Osgiliath in the middle as their shared capital. The two giant statues on the River Anduin are depictions of them.
The most important of the treasures that the brothers bring from Númenor are the White Tree, which is distantly descended from the Silver Tree of Valinor, and the seven Palantíri. The tree is planted in Minas Ithil, Isildur’s tower, because Isildur was the one who saved it. The Palantíri are divided up: Elendil takes three, and sets them in various strongholds around Arnor. The brothers each take two, putting one in each of their towers, one in Orthanc, and one in Osgiliath. The Palantíri were originally gifts from the Elves of Tol Eressëa to Elendil’s father. (Legend has it that sometimes, Elendil could see Valinor through one of the stones.) The strategically-placed Palantíri give Elendil and the brothers the ability to see almost anything that goes on in their kingdoms, making it nearly impossible for their enemies to keep secrets from them.
After his body is lost to the sea, Sauron slinks back to Middle-earth. As soon as he puts himself back together, he immediately starts attacking Arnor and Gondor. He successfully captures Minas Ithil. Isildur escapes with a seedling of the tree again, and goes to find his father. (So for those keeping track, this new tree is now Telperion’s great-great-great-grandchild.) Realizing how dire the situation is, Gil-galad and Elendil form the Last Alliance of Elves and Men.
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Dark Omens by Ralph Daminani
The Last Alliance marches from Elrond’s realm of Imladris (Rivendell), across the Misty Mountains, and fights Sauron almost on his own turf. Almost every race of beings, except Elves, are split between sides: there are Men on both sides, Dwarves on both sides, even animals on both sides. (“All living things were divided” sort of implies that there are Orcs on both sides, too?) The Last Alliance advances all the way into Mordor and lays siege to Barad-dûr itself. The siege lasts seven years, during which Anárion dies.
Much like Morgoth, Sauron hangs back on his throne for as long as possible, until he’s finally forced to come onto the battlefield himself. Sauron kills both Gil-galad and Elendil. Elendil had been wielding Narsil, and the sword breaks as his body crashes to the ground. Isildur picks up the broken hilt of his father’s sword and uses it to slice off Sauron’s finger with the Ring. Sauron’s body is destroyed, and his spirit is sent fleeing with its tail between its legs, again.
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The Last Alliance of Elves and Men by Alan Lee
With Sauron’s defeat in the War of the Last Alliance, the Second Age ends. Isildur goes home to Gondor, and plants the new White Tree in Minas Anor, in memory of his brother. Isildur keeps the Ring as weregild, payment for his father and brother’s lives. (I mentioned weregild back in my summary of Túrin’s story. It’s compensation paid for someone’s life, a custom in medieval Germanic cultures.) Elrond and Círdan both advise him to cast it into the fire. They both know that as long as the Ring exists, it’s only a matter of time until Sauron comes back. If it’s destroyed, then he’ll never be a problem again. Isildur reasons that, as the one who personally killed Sauron, he has a right to the Ring. Whatever you need to tell yourself, buddy…
Leaving Gondor in the care of his nephew, Isildur travels north to assume leadership of his father’s kingdom of Eriador. But Orcs ambush him in the Misty Mountains. His three eldest sons are all killed, and Isildur only escapes by using the Ring to turn invisible. He dives into a river, but the Ring intentionally falls off his finger to avenge Sauron. The Orcs shoot Isildur in the back, and the Ring is lost to the River Anduin.
The shards of Narsil make their way to Imladris, where they’re given to Isildur’s youngest son, Valandil. He and his mother were kept safe in Imladris during the war, so Isildur’s line survives. Elrond foretells that the sword won’t be reforged until the Ring is found and Sauron returns, which he hopes will never happen. Valandil tries his best to rebuild Eriador, but it’s a little late for that. The kingdom is in shambles. The Men of the Third Age are significantly less cool than the Men of the First and Second Ages, so their kingdoms devolve into petty infighting. The Dúnedain slowly dwindle, until nothing’s left of them but a strange race of vagabonds. Only Elrond remembers who they really are. Isildur’s own line only remember who they are because they pass the broken sword from father to son.
Gondor, on the other hand, thrives. It remains a strong kingdom, and at its height, it even resembles Númenor in its glory days. But nothing lasts forever, especially nearing the end of Middle-earth’s history. The kings’ divinely-blessed Númenórean blood is diluted through years of intermarriage with non-Númenóreans (which… you know what, I’m not gonna comment on that). Overtime, their lifespan shortens, and they are less vigilant about watching Mordor. The Nazgûl suddenly show up again, and capture Minas Ithil, this time for good. It becomes Minas Morgul, the Tower of Sorcery. The Gondorians suddenly remember that their one job is to protect Middle-earth from Mordor, so Minas Anor becomes Minas Tirith, the Tower of the Guard.
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The White City by Alan Lee
Eärnur, the last King of Gondor, goes to Minas Morgul to fight the Witch-King of Angmar in single combat. And he never comes back. With the line of kings abruptly ended, the Stewards take over. Meanwhile, the Rohirrim move in from the north, and take over a land called Calenardhon that was originally part of Gondor. Gondor’s Steward lets them do this for some reason, possibly because the Rohirrim become the Gondorians’ allies against Mordor.
In Imladris, Elrond gathers together as many wise people and as much lore as he can. He tries to preserve all the history, knowledge, and beautiful things of the First and Second Ages. He also keeps track of the heirs of Isildur and their broken sword, because his foresight tells him that they’ll be important later.
The Noldor are so diminished that Imladris is basically all that’s left of their great kingdoms. The last High King of the Noldor is dead. Elrond himself is one of the last surviving members of the House of Finwë, and he doesn’t take over as High King. (It’s never specified why, but it seems to be because there’s just not enough Noldor left for that to matter.) The Grey Havens in Lindon still exist, but barely. They’re ruled by Círdan the Shipwright, who builds ships for the Elves who want to leave.
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Portrait of Elrond by Tatyafinwë
The Three Rings, and their bearers, are kept a closely-guarded secret. Elrond has Vilya the Sapphire Ring, Círdan has Narya the Ruby Ring, and Galadriel has Nenya the Adamant Ring. Galadriel is the most powerful Elf in Middle-earth, because she is the last living Elf who personally saw the Two Trees of Valinor in all their glory. (Círdan and Celeborn are almost as old as she is, but they’re Sindar, so they never went to Valinor. Elrond was born at the end of the First Age, so he’s significantly younger than them.) The Rings’ magic preserves Rivendell and Lothlórien in a state of bliss and beauty. They’re still dim shadows of the great Elven kingdoms of the First Age, but they maintain some of that ancient wonder and magic for as long as possible. The Ringbearers know that they’re only postponing the inevitable. If the One Ring is found, then regardless of whether it is destroyed or reclaimed by Sauron, the Three Rings will lose their magic. The end of evil and darkness also means the end of wonder and divine beauty.
Sure enough, Sauron comes back. It took him much longer to rebuild himself this time, but he eventually shows up in Greenwood the Great, the realm of Thranduil and the Silvan Elves. Sauron’s dark magic slowly corrupts the forest, turning it into Mirkwood, a dark forest full of evil creatures and poisonous, hostile plants. Thranduil holds out in the north of it, but the corruption of the forest shrinks his kingdom considerably.
As Sauron begins to come back, the peoples of Middle-earth get some unexpected, if indirect, help from the Valar. The Valar send five Maiar to Middle-earth, incarnate in living bodies, to guide and support the people against Sauron. These are the Istari, the five wizards.
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The Istari by mairon666
The Istari’s powers are significantly limited by their human bodies, but they still have the knowledge and power of Valinor. When they arrive, they split up: Curunír (Saruman) mostly interacts with Men, and is particularly skilled at speaking and smithcraft. Gee, where have we seen that before? He may as well have a big “CORRUPT ME” sign on his back. Mithrandir (Gandalf) mostly interacts with Elves, and makes friends with Elrond. Radagast is only interested in animals. The two Blue Wizards went East, so they’re not relevant to this story, and we don’t know much about them. (Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film.) Only Círdan knows that the wizards came from Valinor, and the only people he tells are the other two Ringbearers, Elrond and Galadriel.
Mithrandir is the first person to notice that the strange “Sorcerer,” who’s been doing weird, dark stuff in the fortress of Dol Guldur in Mirkwood, might be a sign of Sauron returning. He goes to see what the problem is, and Sauron flees — he may be getting some of his power back, but he’s not strong enough to face another Maia, even an incarnate one. Sauron stays away for a while, but when he starts to creep back, Mithrandir forms the White Council with Curunír, Círdan, Elrond, and Galadriel: all the wisest and most powerful people in Middle-earth in one place, for the express purpose of stopping Sauron. Curunír becomes leader of the Council, because he knows the most about Sauron. (Galadriel wanted Mithrandir to be council leader, but he refused, because he didn’t want to have any allegiance to anyone but the Valar.)
Mithrandir goes to check on Dol Guldur again, and discovers that the “Sorcerer” is not a Nazgûl like they thought — it’s Sauron himself, and he’s searching for the One Ring! That seems like it’s going to be a major problem. Elrond basically sighs and says that he knew the day was coming, so, they may as well brace for an Age-ending war. Curunír insists that the One Ring will never be found, that it’s probably at the bottom of the sea by now. So they do nothing.
None of them notice that Curunír has already turned to the dark side. The films make it look like Saruman fights for Sauron, but he doesn’t — instead, he wants to find the Ring himself, so that he can confront Sauron as a rival for world domination. He spent so long studying Sauron that he began to think like Sauron, and began to envy him, which is not the takeaway you’re supposed to have. He assumes that the Ring will reveal itself if Sauron comes back, so, he refuses to do anything to prevent Sauron’s return until the Ring is found. For whatever reason, it doesn’t occur to him that the Ring can’t be used or dominated by anyone but Sauron. He fortifies Isengard, and gets birds from Radagast (who’s completely clueless) to be his spies, hoping that he’ll find the Ring first. Never trust a smith, I swear to Eru…
The situation in Mirkwood gets worse. At the next Council meeting, Mithrandir points out that the Ring doesn’t even need to be found: as long as it exists, Sauron’s evil will continue to spread. Unless the Council does something, Sauron’s forces will eventually grow too strong for them to have a chance against. There are barely any Noldor or Númenóreans left, so where is their strength going to come from?
The Council decides to go on the offensive, and drive Sauron out of Dol Guldur. Curunír agrees to help — not because he’s actually cares about defeating Sauron, but because he doesn’t want Sauron to have such easy access to the river, where the Ring supposedly is. The Council successfully kick Sauron out of Dol Guldur, and he flees… right back to Mordor. The Nazgûl roll out the red carpet for him, and he rebuilds Barad-dûr. Oops. That was the last time the White Council met. After that, Curunír doesn’t even pretend to be interested anymore.
This helps me appreciate just how dire the situation is at the start of The Lord of the Rings, and how it looks from Elrond’s perspective: Everything in the world seems to be getting weaker and duller, except for Sauron (which isn’t really true, Sauron is also weaker, but not weak enough). All the great people and great kingdoms of the past are long gone, their knowledge and creations are gone, and not enough of them remain to be of much use. Elrond’s own realm is hanging on by a thread, delaying the inevitable. In short, Elrond and co. have no resources to speak of. There’s no strategy. I can understand exactly how hopeless Elrond must feel.
Unbeknownst to everyone but knownst to us, the Ring had already been found. No one noted the date in the history books, it just sort of happened. The Council all assumed that when the Ring was found, they would know immediately, because it would be obvious (the same way you’d know immediately when an important leader dies, or something like that). Turns out that a Hobbit, a member of a race that hasn’t even been a footnote in the histories until now, found it ages ago. By sheer luck, Mithrandir figures this out first. Now he’s caught between a rock and a hard place: the Ring is too evil to use, it can’t be kept hidden forever, and there’s only one way to destroy it. Until he can find a solution, Mithrandir enlists the Dúnedain to keep watch over the Periannath (Hobbits).
You know the rest: Aragorn, the thirty-ninth heir of Isildur, wields the reforged sword of Elendil. (The Silm states outright that Aragorn is more like Elendil than any of his other forebears.) Rohan goes to war with Curunír, and casts him down before his world domination plan can even get off the ground. The Witch-King of Angmar is killed in the battle of Pelennor Fields. Aragorn marches on the Black Gate with an army that included Mithrandir, lords of Gondor and Rohan, Elrond’s sons, and whatever Dúnedain are left. But all of these great people and big names aren’t the true saviors of Middle-earth:
For Frodo the Halfling, it is said, at the bidding of Mithrandir took on himself the burden, and alone with his servant he passed through peril and darkness and came at last in Sauron’s despite even to Mount Doom; and there into the Fire where it was wrought he cast the Great Ring of Power, and so at last it was unmade and its evil consumed.
Damn, Sam doesn’t even get name-dropped! That is an injustice.
Honestly, the short little summary of The Lord of the Rings here makes you realize just how much stuff is passed over in just a few short sentences in the rest of the book. I mean, the story of LotR is shortened here because it’s told in so much detail elsewhere, but still. If Tolkien were immortal, every individual story in this book could be a series as long and involved as Game of Thrones.
Sauron is defeated for good, peace comes, Aragorn is crowned the first King of Gondor in generations, the Númenóreans are cool again, the White Tree flowers again. I always thought that was king magic, but no, turns out Mithrandir took Aragorn into the mountain where they found yet another seedling that just happened to be there. The dead tree is removed and replaced with the new one. That is more realistic, but significantly less cool. Anyway, the point still stands: the Tree is a reminder of the beauty of Valinor and the majesty of the Elder Days. With Sauron’s defeat and Aragorn’s coronation, the Third Age ends.
Oh and guess what? Mithrandir had Narya, the Ruby Ring, this whole time! (The Silm drags this out until literally the last page, like it’s a big reveal.) Círdan gave it to him almost as soon as he arrived in Middle-earth, because Círdan knew who he was and where he came from. He gives Mithrandir the Ring of Fire to “rekindle hearts to the valor of old in a world that grows chill,” which is a lovely sentiment.
Círdan waits in the Grey Havens, slowly building the White Ship that will be the last ship to leave Middle-earth for Valinor. While he builds it, the last of the Noldor leave Middle-earth, finally ready to go home after all this time. When the White Ship is ready, Elrond, Galadriel, Celeborn, Círdan, and Mithrandir sail off along the Straight Road to the ancient land of Valinor.
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Grey Havens by Alan Lee
And that is the history of the Elves.
Final Thoughts
After almost two years, I am finally done with The Silmarillion!
I’m honestly floored. Even in its incomplete state, The Silmarillion is a monumental work. By the time I finished it, part of me really did feel like I was reading a mythological history of my own world, or my own people. I sincerely grieved for the lost wonder and beauty of Valinor and the Elven kingdoms and lost lore and works of art. Early on, after I’d read the first couple chapters, I listened to “The Passing of the Elves” on the Fellowship soundtrack, and started bawling my eyes out. The added context of the song makes it that much more haunting and tragic. In that moment, I really felt the loss of the Elves and everything they represent, and how the world is diminished without them. That means that Tolkien succeeded at exactly what he set out to do, for me at least. Every writer dreams that their work will touch someone that deeply.
I kid you not, as soon as I finished the Silm at about 4:30 AM, I looked outside and saw Venus rising in the predawn sky: Eärendil, our most beloved star, with the last Silmaril.
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Gil-Estel by Alan Lee
And of course, as both a scholar and a writer of fantasy myself, I was consistently impressed by the amount of historical and mythological references scattered throughout the whole thing! Hard as it may be to read, the Silm feels very realistic, which adds to the feeling I described above. It feels more immersive in the long run, because after a while, you are so convinced that you’re reading a legendary history. I feel like certain parts of this work were intended to appeal to me specifically. It’s such an inspiration to me.
I’m so glad I read it! I’m glad that I didn’t let myself be intimidated. Reading the Silm has made me love and respect Tolkien’s work even more, if that’s possible. My summary can’t do justice to that. But I hope I’ve made the Silm a bit more accessible to people who feel intimidated by it, which was my intent.
This summary has been an interesting endeavor. I initially wanted it to be more “read and react,” less a literal paraphrasing of the book itself. I thought that going in blind with limited foreknowledge would make for better content, because I could record my blind reactions, but in hindsight, doing a blind summary wasn’t the best idea. With limited foreknowledge, I didn’t always know which information would be important, so, many sections could have been a lot more streamlined. I think I finally got the “voice” I wanted in the last couple chapters. But I succeeded in my actual goal of making the story more accessible for the people in my life.
I’m also happy to finally be in this fandom, to have been formally introduced to characters that I’ve been seeing in fanart and memes for years! I like knowing their stories. And again, despite the flippant title, I am not actually trying to discourage anyone from reading The Silmarillion! If you haven’t read it, and my silly summary has given you any interest in checking it out, please do.
O Elbereth! Gilthoniel! We still remember, we who dwell In this far land beneath the trees, Thy starlight on the Western Seas…
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im gonna be real i think the vast majority of people's gripes with tma's formatting/pacing/messaging/direction are explained by them not actually liking tma
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