#asexual kaz brekker

[sissytobitch10seconds]

It's Only Sex

Fandom: Grishaverse: Six of Crows and Shadow and Bone Summary: Kaz has learned a lot about himself since he got into a relationship with five of his closest friends. It seems that the learning isn't quite over because his brain is currently trying to kill him with how hard it's chewing on this specific issue. Even Inej seems to have gotten through her issues to have physical intimacy with their partners, so why can't he? Warnings: Mentions of sex, implied traumatic childhood experiences, and internalized acephobia Word Count: 6,018 Ship(s): Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa/Jesper Fahey/Wylan Van Eck/Matthias Helvar/Nina Zenik

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A/N: So not only is this fic based off of the song "It's Only Sex" by Carseat Headrest, but it's also based off my own feelings when I discovered that I was asexual and then later when I realized that I was aromantic. I did stuff because I thought that I needed to do it and not because I actually had a desire for it. It's a bit of projection onto Kaz, but hey! That's what fanfiction is all about, baby. I hope that you all enjoy! Stay sissy and bitchy everyone <3

Kaz woke early on Thursday and Tuesdays because that was when his eight AM class was. He didn’t know who had assured him it would be a good idea to schedule something so important that early in the morning when he had to take public transport from his apartment across town, but he was beginning to resent them more and more with each week. He knew that the only reason he hadn’t dropped and rescheduled the class at a more convenient time was because he enjoyed the subject immensely. Nothing had ever made more sense to him in his entire life than numbers and complex mathematics.

The first thing that he was aware of on those fateful days was his phone alarm blaring at him so that he woke up and got ready for the day without too much rushing about.

He grabbed the device and slid his gloveless fingers across the screen until it finally registered what he was trying to do and turned the infernal music off. He then collapsed back down on his bed, one arm over his eyes and the other still clutching his phone as it slipped down into the space between his mattress and nightstand. His leg ached from the walking that he had done on his date with Jesper the night before. It was to be expected, he always had a flare up when he did something that wasn’t quite as kind to his body as it should have been. It didn’t make it any easier to deal with, not when he was already doing something that he was apathetic about at best.

He placed his phoned down on his nightstand and then forced himself into a sitting position. His knee creaked obnoxiously and sent a spike of electric-hot pain up and down his leg to his ankle and hip. He pushed through the pain as he had done so many times before, standing as he limped over to his dresser. He pulled out the clothing that he was going to wear for the day and held it under his arm so that he could get to the bathroom.

The one thing about having to get up around six in the morning two days a week was that he got the bathroom to himself. They had managed to find a place that had enough bedrooms to service them all, but there were only two bathrooms. Three of them shared the ‘master suite’ bathroom and the other three had to make due with the smaller one that also serviced guests. Kaz usually had to go last because Inej and Jesper both had complicated hair routines that they did every morning and night. When he woke up early for his class, though, he was permitted to have a bit more hot water and time to get himself ready.

Stepping into the bathtub was always the most difficult part of his morning routine, even more than exercising the aching of his knee. Despite all of the work that he had been doing with his therapist and on his own, despite the fact that he had years between him and the trauma that had given him the slightly irrational fear, it was still difficult. His partners had tried desperately to find something big enough for all of them that also lacked the bathtub that would hurt Kaz so much, but it was nearly impossible. He had learned to live with it and was getting better as time went on, especially after Inej put the flower stickers along the bottom for extra grip.

Today it seamed easier, somehow. He shed his clothing into the closed top hamper and then stepped into the stream of water before it had fully heated up. The droplets pelted his back and front until he was completely soaked. He could feel the edges of the flowers digging into the soles of his feet and the slickness of the bathtub in between them instead of the ankle-deep water that plagued his unconscious mind with untold nightmares. He focused on the feeling of the shampoo in his hair and the way that the sides were growing out again.

He was going to have to ask Nina to cut it for him when she got back from her classes at the technical college. She told him over and over again that she hated his haircut, but she was also the only person that she would allow to cut his hair. It was one of the more perplexing things about his girlfriend, but also one of the things that he loved most about her. She would tease him until she was blue in the face but she also treasured him like he was something special and precious.

Kaz finished with his shower before any of the others began to worry about the water running too long. It was annoying to have someone come knock on the door of the bathroom every morning when he exceeded his allotted twenty minutes, but he also understood why they did it. He had given them quite the fright right after they had moved in, to the point where he was sure he had added a nightmare into their portfolios. He had had a panic attack and froze in place for nearly an hour. By the time that Jesper had managed to get the door open, Kaz had been shivering like the last leaf during a typhoon and nearly hypothermic because the hot water had run out a long time ago.

Now was a good day. He had made a lot of progress since they had all moved in together as college Freshmen. He was close to graduating now and had medication to help remedy the imbalances that his brain had made for itself. He had partners that loved and respected him, that had waited years just to be able to hold his hand.

Kaz brushed his hair with the comb Nina insisted that he use and then styled it back with a quick swipe of his fingers and some gel.

When he stepped out of the bathroom, the door to the bedroom that Inej and Jesper shared opened to reveal the former of the two. She scrubbed at her eyes with her hand and then smiled as she tilted her head down towards Wraith, the little black cat she had saved before they had moved into the apartment together. “Good morning to both my shadow men,” she said with a bright beam. “May I give you a kiss?”

“Are you asking me or the cat?” Kaz asked, raising a brow at her.

“I was asking you, the cat always wants a kiss,” she laughed.

The sound of tinkling bells and pure, unadulterated joy rushed through his bones like nothing had ever done before. He could get drunk off that sound, and he often had during their early dates together. “You may,” he replied before he stood in the hall stupidly for too much longer.

She cupped the side of his face with her calloused hand and then brought their lips together briefly. It was only after they broke apart that he realized she had tricked him, spinning them around so that she had the access to the bathroom that she wanted every morning.

He allowed it only because he knew that she got up before all of them on normal days for her practice. She may have been going to college for something completely unrelated, but she had never given up her love for aerials. Her parents had instilled the love of adrenaline and acrobatics into her when she was very small and she had carried it with her throughout the rest of her entire life. Kaz loved seeing her after she came back from practice, looking as though she had just run a marathon and as though she couldn’t be happier even if someone handed her a puppy.

He heard the door click behind him and then chose to peak in on Jesper. His boyfriend was meant to be giving him a ride up to the university as he had an extra study session with some of his engineering classmates, but it was unlikely he was going to wake up in time. Kaz would have to settle on taking the bus, even though he hated doing that more than he hated the prospect of going swimming.

When he got to the door of the bedroom, he paused and leaned to the side. In the master, where Nina, Wylan, and Matthias usually slept, he could hear the faint rocking of bedsprings. His entire face flushed when he heard one of Nina’s breathy moans, usually only done around him when something was particularly delectable. He turned on his heal and marched towards the living room as quickly as he could.

Kaz moved through the process of making his usual breakfast, what his mind told him he had to eat or he wouldn’t be able to function properly, his thoughts were on something entirely different. His hands moved secondarily to the rest of his thoughts, going through the motions and paces that they made every morning without fail.

He knew that his partners all had different relationships with each other. Inej and Jesper dated more like best friends that happened to kiss sometimes. Nina and Matthias were practically married and half in the grave with the way that they argued but loved each other so deeply. Nina and Inej were girlfriends in every sense of the world, giggling and holding each other like they were precious. Jesper and Wylan teased each other but were also so smitten they acted like they were middle school sweethearts. Inej and Matthias were still dancing around each other and their feelings like they had only just met despite having been dating for months. Matthias and Wylan went out on plenty of dates together and interacted as if they had fallen in love when they were in their senior year of university hundreds of years ago.

They all had a different dynamic with each other and yet there was a fairly strong through line with all of them. They had been able to hold hands, kiss, and cuddle from the get go while Kaz had to work to get to that place.

Kaz knew that wasn’t completely true. Inej had come from a bad relationship with a much older woman thad had groomed her with the promise of money. Heleen Van Houdan had apparently been doing it to a lot of girls, assuring them that she could get them enough money to make them comfortable. She promised them homes, expensive gifts, fame, and even education. She promised it all and then when it came time to deliver, she manipulated them into thinking that they had to service her ‘friends’. She was a pimp in everything but practice since it was only legal in a few very narrow parts of the world.

That experience had damaged Inej significantly since it had happened when she was only fourteen and in the foster care system. She had gone to a lot of therapy and worked on herself to try and get through it, the same way that Kaz was about his haphephobia and hydrophobia. Every member of the polycule assured her that she didn’t have to feel guilty about it when she was having a flashback. They were patient and kind with her as she adjusted to the feeling of having hands on her while still having the ability to say no to them.

He knew that same trust and patience was extended out towards him. He had seen it happen time and time again with each of his partners. Jesper and Nina cuddled like they were going to suffocate if they didn’t have someone wrapped around them at all times, but they still made sure that they didn’t walk too close to Kaz when they were out and about. Wylan wasn’t able to ask because of his own insecurities and trauma, but he would make it clear what he was asking for if he wanted something and couldn’t wait for Kaz to offer it instead. Matthias would just do anything that he was asked to do and nothing more, which meant that touches weren’t given unless they were requested.

His relationship with Inej was the one that was the most understanding, of course. She knew what it was like to feel no longer inside of one’s body when touch was given without consent. Kaz’s situation was far different than hers, there was no way that medical trauma could be comparable to being trafficked as a teenager. Still, she knew what it was like to be consumed with that floaty feeling and removed from one’s body. She had always been there to sit next to Kaz on the bed and talk him down from his panic attacks. He tried to repay her by reminding her that no one was owed anything from her, that she was her own person and if they expected something from her that she didn’t want to give then that was their fault.

She had been patient with him almost to a fault, which had made him fall so far in love with her that he couldn’t quite imagine a life without her. He knew that he would let her go if that’s what she decided would be best for her life, there was no way that he would keep her like a caged animal the way that so many others had. He also knew that her absence would leave a hole in him the way that Jordie’s death had, the same kind of burning and poison slipping through his veins during his every waking moment.

He loved her more than anything and it broke him inside every time he thought about them breaking up because he wasn’t good enough for her. He knew that the other partners would leave something gaping and painful in him as well if they decided to leave, but none of them would be as bad as her. He had talked about that with the others a decent amount but none of their conversations had ever delved into what his mind was circling now.

She had worked so long and so hard on her touch issues. She was able to cuddle against Nina like it was as easy as breathing. She allowed Jesper to come up behind her and kiss her neck while spinning her around on her good days. She could hold Wylan’s hand and play with his curls while they talked about the stars. She could touch parts of Matthias’ body that Kaz had looked at in awe while she helped him with yoga and have him touch parts of her body that were far too intimate while he helped her with workouts. She could even let Kaz pull at her hair while he tried (and often failed) at braiding it.

Kaz was doing better than he had been when they were freshmen and had just moved in together, he really was. Back then he couldn’t even let them stand next to him fully clothed. He had worked long and hard to be able to hold hands when they were both wearing gloves, and then when only the other person was, and finally barehanded. He could tolerate hugs and cuddling for the most part, he had even managed to settle his feelings on kisses.

But one thing had returned to Inej that he wasn’t sure he was ever going to be able to touch. Despite the fact that her trauma had to deal with sex far more than his did, he had never been able to do anything sexual with his partners.

It wasn’t for lack of trying. He had thought about it plenty, even before he had overheard the goings-on of the bedroom while getting ready for his early classes. He knew that when people were in relationships they were supposed to feel attracted to each other’s bodies. He was, to some extent.

He thought that Nina was beautiful, with her long brown hair that curled and bounced around her face almost as if it were a wig and freckles that shone under her forest green eyes. He knew that Jesper was handsome, an angular face always contorted in a smirk and stormy gray eyes that spoke of mischief untold. Wylan was as cute as he had been when they were all eighteen, always wrinkling his nose when he was working or laughing and his deep blue eyes shimmering with joy now that he was away from his father. Matthias was handsome and anyone that couldn't see it was stupid, he was built like a brick house and rugged. Inej was gorgeous the same way that the sea was, deadly and always moving.

He knew that they were beautiful and handsome and anything else that they wanted to describe themselves as. He had seen them at their worst, like when Wylan had given them all food poisoning while trying to make Snickerdoodles. He had also seen them at their best, like when Nina had finally overcome her addiction and made a full recovery from rehab.

Yet, for some reason, he had never wanted to be intimate with them in those ways. He wanted to curl up in their skin and breathe in the beating of their hearts. He wanted to hold them close enough that their atoms would fuse together and they would cease being separate people. He wanted all that and more, but he couldn’t stomach the idea of being physical with them in that sense.

Kaz couldn’t think about it anymore, however, as the buzz of their apartment reached its peak. Both bathrooms were going and Jesper had just finished removing the bonnet from his hair. They were going to finish eating and then head up to the university in the matter of seconds, which meant that there wasn’t time or space for a crisis. He was able to give each of his partners a quick goodbye before he and Jesper had to rush out of the door lest they be late for their respective activities.

---

By the time that he got home late that night, he was tempted to put the whole thing in the back of his mind and never touch it again. He could already hear his partners and therapist telling him that wasn’t a healthy approach to his life and it would only result in him being miserable and unhappy, though. He couldn’t give more than a single shit about what his therapist thought of him since her only job was to help him overcome his phobias, but he did care deeply about what his partners wanted out of him.

So he said hello to them as he always did when he got back from campus and then retired to his room. Wraith was asleep on his bed on the hoodie that he had stolen from Inej the day before, so he was glad to have some company that wasn’t human and wouldn’t ask questions. He sat down heavily in his desk chair and booted up his laptop, plugging it into the charger that he kept at home as opposed to the one hidden in his laptop bag.

He really should have been working on some of the homework that he had gotten assigned that day so that he wouldn’t have to work on it as late the next day or that night, but he had homework of another kind that felt more pressing.

His fingers hovered over the keyboard of his laptop for what felt like an eon but was really only a couple of seconds before he began to type. It was a question that had arisen in his mind when he was in his second class of the day, one that had made his entire body feel like he had plunged back into that ice pool his foster family had used to try and cure him years ago.

It felt easier now that it had been sitting in his mind and he had grown more used to the idea of asking it in the first place. He let out a low breath as he hit enter and let Google take him to the results. He scrolled through the first several ads that he saw, which reminded him to update his ad-blocker so that would stop happening. Wraith yawned by his side and reached her little paw out so that her claws hooked into the material of his jacket. He reached down and placed his bare hand on her side to remind her that he knew she was there while he continued to sift through his findings. He clicked on the first YouTube video that came up and watched a couple seconds of it before he closed the tab and continued looking.

None of the answers that he was receiving were the ones that he wanted.

This wasn’t the first time that Kaz had considered if he was asexual or not. He knew that he didn’t look at people or have the same fantasies as everyone in his high school class had. He never tried to sneak a look at the other boys as they changed nor did he think that he was clever to pretend to walk into the wrong locker room. He thought that those things were deplorable and senseless, not just because they were a violation of a human right to privacy but because there was no point. Why would someone desire the body of a person that they had never met before, especially when there was so much else going on.

After he found Inej, the woman that he marveled at when they were sitting on the roof of their apartment building, he had reconsidered again. She was beautiful and he wanted to hold her or be intimate with her in any way that he could. He had never desired her carnally nor had he wished that she would speed up her recovery process like a couple of his previous therapists had implied. He didn’t want her to do anything to him that she wasn’t comfortable with, and he was alright with just about anything that she might want. He couldn’t think of Inej overstepping his boundaries or forcing him into something that he wouldn’t enjoy, after all.

It was different when he thought about the others. He knew that Jesper and Nina struggled the most with his touch issues because they felt the most loved when they were being kissed and held. They cared enough about him to work through the barrier, but it was there nonetheless.

Kaz snapped his laptop shut and let out a huff. If he was going to work through his feelings then he had to do it with the others. He had five partners for a reason, and that was because they all brought a different perspective about the world with them. He knew that they would be able to help him with the problem that he was facing.

The door to the apartment had just swung shut by the time that he and Wraith got to the edge of the hallway. Nina and Inej were lounging on the couch with the former’s hand in the latter’s hair while they watched a shitty b-movie again. Jesper was in the kitchen baking something for his da, who was allegedly coming to visit them that weekend. Wylan was sitting at the table with his headphones on so that his reader could tell him what his textbook said without disturbing the rest of the apartment. Matthias and Trassel had returned from their evening run, having apparently missed the one that they usually took in the morning, because they were standing in the doorway.

“Kaz, strawberry or blueberry?” Jesper asked, holding two bags of colored frosting up with each ask.

“Both, that way he can choose which one he can tolerate more,” he replied out of instinct. Jesper had improved in his baking skills over the years with near-constant practice, but when they had first met each other in high school he had managed to curdle chocolate chip cookies despite the recipe not calling for milk. It was still fun to tease him, especially since Kaz knew that he would get a portion of the sweet set on his desk when it was finished.

The return back to something familiar and comfortable was enough to make him feel more sure of himself. What he was bringing up was something that they had talked about in one sense or another, but he was always worried that whenever he spoke about his issues that it would end up being the final straw for his partners.

Wylan was the first person to notice that something was wrong. Jesper had simply scoffed and gone back to the furious decorating that he was doing behind their kitchen counter. “Is something wrong, Kaz?” he asked, his fingers already tapping at the counter and fiddling with the edge of his headphones. Jesper may have been the one in their duo to have the boundless energy whenever he wasn’t literally unconscious, but Wylan could still give him a run for his money when he was nervous.

“I was actually wondering if you would all be willing to have a discussion with me about something rather serious,” he said. Slowly, he limped over to the seat on the other side of Wylan were he sat down heavily. He hadn’t meant to leave his cane back in his room, after all the classes that he had today there was no doubt that he would need it to get around even if the distance was small. Wraith followed after him until she heard the clicking of her favorite person, which caused her to turn and run after Inej.

“I will come and join the conversation when I have changed,” Matthias said. His accent was heavy as he tried to regain his breath from the run outside. He sparkled with the endorphins that were no doubt rushing through his body from the exercise as well. He waved after his partners as he unclipped Trassel’s leash and let the mutt dart into the kitchen for snacks.

Nina made a startled noise as Inej pulled away from her and dug into the couch next to her for the remote. The smaller of the two girls shut off what they had been watching and turned to Kaz with the midnight dark eyes that made him feel breathless every time they were turned towards him. “What did you want to talk to us about, Kaz?” she asked kindly.

He opened his mouth and then none of the words that had been brewing in his mind were able to come to his lips. He snapped his mouth shut almost painfully and flared his nose as he tried to get his thoughts in order. They only ever did this when he was with his partners, so he was grateful that the others had the patience they did.

Eventually the jumble of panicked thoughts in his head gave way so that they were wrapped around each other in a nice, presentable package. He opened his mouth to speak and they had disintegrated by the time he pushed them from his lips, resulting in him saying, “I don’t want to have sex with any of you.”

Wylan blinked at him a few times and then placed one of his delicate musicians hands in front of his mouth. It did very little to hide the fact that he was smiling, based on the fact that his eyes were bright and sparkling 

Inej had sat up on the couch so that she was perched along the back, her head resting where the picture had hung until last week when Trassel decided it just had to come down. Wraith was purring happily in her lap and they looked as though they were communing with each other about what they were going to say. She was the first to actually speak, too. “You don’t have to have sex with anyone if you don’t want to.”

“Right, of course,” Nina immediately nodded. “We’ve never expected anything other than honesty from you, Kaz.”

“That is not true,” he said, just to be petulant. He knew that his partners wanted him to be earnest with them, to show them his heart and lay his feelings out on the table so that they could take his hand and help him wade through the shit storm that was life. He knew that they didn’t expect him to fall into place the way that other people might if they had pursued him romantically. He wasn’t expected to show up to every meal or to say sweet things or to hold them whenever they desired it.

“You know what she meant, don’t be a brat,” Jesper said. He set down the tray of cookies that he had finished decorating and then washed his hands. He walked around the counter so that he could sit down at the little dining room table and participate better in the conversation. “Sex is literally the most overwhelming form of touch that there is. We know how much you struggle with your haphephobia and PTSD, we would never assume that you wanted to have sex with us.”

Jesper was always so kind to Kaz. He could be snotty and mean when he wanted to, Kaz had seem him absolutely everserate the sorority girls when they got too bitchy, but he had never turned that kind of tongue on him. It was nice to know that passion and love was reserved for him, even if he didn’t always feel as though he deserved it. “It’s not that,” he sighed.

“Do you think that you could explain it to us more so that we could better help you?” Wylan asked. He was chewing on the wrong end of his pen and smearing blue ink all over his mouth.

Matthias walked back down the hall, wet from the shower and wearing nothing but his white track tanktop and a pair of gym shorts. He plucked the pen from Wylan’s hands and set it down on the table as he took the last remaining chair. It was rare that they were all back at the same time to eat dinner together and when they did, they ate it on the ground around their coffee table so that Inej could be reminded of what a family felt like in her culture.

Kaz ran a hand through his hair and then dropped it down onto the table. “I’m not sure there is a better way to describe it. I don’t get repulsed when I think about being sexual with any of you, but I’m also not desiring it the same way that I was with touch.”

“I thought that you were repulsed by the idea of touching us,” Nina commented. There was no judgment in her voice, just a statement of what she thought was fact. It was something that had caused their friendship to struggle in the beginning, before Kaz had realized that she stated her opinion and facts plainly without trying to obfuscate them. He appreciated her ability to lay everything out on the table the way that she did, it made it easier to talk with her.

He shook his head before he began to speak, “I got anxious when you touched me because of what happened when my brother and I got sick. Whenever someone brushed against me, especially skin-to-skin, it felt like I had been put back in that isolation ward. I could smell, taste, and feel everything that I experienced back then. I wanted to touch you, though. When I wasn’t having a flashback I could feel what it would be to do something like hold your hand or hug you. I wanted it but I had a panic attack every time I got it. Sex doesn’t feel the same, I don’t even understand the point of it.”

Jesper and Nina, the two partners in their polycule that could be argued as the most sexual, glanced at each other. Jesper was the first to answer, fidgeting under the table, “I think it’s just fun. The rush of pleasure that you get when you orgasm is nice and it’s another way to be intimate with someone.”

“I think another way to be intimate is a good way to describe it. I don’t feel sexually attracted to Inej or Nina but I love them very much, just as much as I love you boys. I don’t want to kiss them and I don’t really want to see them naked but I don’t mind when they’re loving the same boy as I am. I’m not disgusted by their bodies… I guess it’s more like apathy,” Wylan explained.

Kaz had known that from the beginning, which was one of the reasons he wanted to come out and talk to his partners about his feelings. They had already discovered what a queerplatonic relationship was when Wylan had a breakdown over the fact that he felt something stronger than friendship but different than romance for their girls. The relationship that those three had altogether was different and unique, something that Kaz couldn’t hope to understand underneath what he saw but possibly applicable to what he was feeling now. 

“I don’t feel repulsed by your bodies or attracted to them. I’m hardly even neutral about them, it’s like they only exist as a way to give you all forms so that I can see the parts about you that I love. I know objectively that you are all beautiful but I also think that a large part of that comes from the way that you carry yourselves and the history that we’ve made with one another,” Kaz explained.

“That’s sweet, Kaz,” Inej whispered. He knew that she was the person in their polycule that had struggled the most with her body since it had been made to  betray her so often when she was growing up under Heleen’s hold. She had to work every day to see her body as something that could help her make her goals and help her have experiences instead of something that could be desired and wanted by strangers.

“I don’t think that you have to want sex to love us,” Matthias said. “I want sex the same way that I want to eat. It feels like a need that my body has, but other people don’t have that need as often. I suppose that since it’s not something we need to survive not everyone has it either.”

It made sense when he put it like that. Kaz had never really understood sexual attraction and the way that their fellow college-goers fell over themselves to make out with people that were basically strangers. He sat back and thought about it for a moment, in which time Jesper went back to the kitchen so he could fuss with his cookies to have something to do.

Eventually, he looked over the people that he adored and asked, “Does that make me asexual?”

Nina laughed, “Labels are for us to define ourselves by so that we feel as though we can describe ourselves. If you want to call yourself asexual then you can, no one is going to stop you. But if you don’t want to and still don’t want to have sex with us then that’s fine. Like Matthias said, it’s a need that some of us need to fulfill in different ways because it’s intimate and fun. We’re poly for a reason, love.”

Something inside of him that he hadn’t realized had dislodged itself settled back where it belonged. He didn’t have to label himself anything that didn’t feel right and there was no rush for him to figure out if it did. His partners would be there for him no matter what he ended up deciding because they were good people and he had surrounded himself with them for a reason.

[willow-lark]

ace kaz brekker truthers i respect y’all so much

[witherydithery]

Conclusion

Part 1: Introduction & Background Part 2: "Kaz and Inej are Allowed to Heal" Part 3: Asexuality Headcanons I Part 4: Asexuality Headcanons II Part 5: Conclusion ★

    I do not pretend my experiences are universal among asexual people in the fandom. But at the same time, I do not imagine they are wholly unique. There is an issue, however small or imperceptible to most, around asexuality in this fandom. It is most prevalent in the asexual Kaz discussion, where negativity around the headcanon can make the asexual majority who headcanon it feel unwelcome. But it exists too in innocuous tags like "Kanej can heal" and its undercurrent of allonormativity.

    Both have made me feel alienated within the fandom at best and unwelcome at worst, even when they have the best intentions. Indeed, at the core of both issues are people trying to inform and speak up about problems they see in the fandom! But their methods and delivery are not perfect. And neither, I expect, have mine. But this is something that has so profoundly affected my experience in the Six of Crows, I wanted to talk about it, especially as I have recently seen an increase in similar discussions.

[cam-ulu29]

also, I’m so glad to see that everybody is remembering Kaz is not asexual! Good job on not thinking asexuality and trauma are related!! Keep doing great, guys!

[milo-my-beloved]

things we don't say

A continuation of the some other life 'verse.

Read on AO3 📖 Playlist 🎵 Buy me a cup of tea ☕

Summary:

Inej's phone has been silent for two months.

OR

Inej and Kaz have broken up. Jan Van Eck has locked Wylan in the house and pulled him out of the university, preventing him from marrying Jesper.

There's only one logical solution to the two conundrums: a heist.

Updating every day as a part of the Shadow and Bone prompt week!

Read some other life // Read stupid things // Read things we don't say

[bigmack2go]

Why do disabled people, fat people, authistic ppl and nonbinary always get hc’ed as asexual?

Dgmw have your headcannons, some of them i have too but it’s like all of them are fanon ace? Like i love the representation but is it really representiom if it’s just a concstant stereotype thats e v e r y w h e r e? And mostly no one else gets hc’ed as aro/ace it too! Like do you think just because i’m authistic and disabled and nonbinary i’m ow so innocent and i can’t have sex??? What??

[sapphiccyranodebergerac]

kaz brekker is ace and he and inej could never be together intimately, and that is painful but also like fucking awesome. like yes young adult fantasy but with realism in characters. not every problem is overcomable, not every pairing with chemistry ends up together.

[mysoftboybensolo]

Is there an Asexual Problem in the Shadow and Bone Fandom?

(trigger warning: mentions of sexual assault)

This is something I have been pondering for a long while now, and with the recent season really made me consider it more. I want to state before going into this that I am a demisexual, in case this changes anyone’s mind of what I am about to say. Before going into my spiel, here are some terms I feel need to be explained; Asexual, meaning a person who experiences no sexual feelings or desires, not feeling sexually attracted to another; Aromantic, meaning a person who experiences little to no romantic attraction or feelings towards another; Demisexual, meaning a person who develops sexual feelings or attraction to another only after developing a close relationship, not based on first impressions or physical attributes; Allosexual, meaning a person who experiences sexual attraction of a regular basis. Now that we have that out of the way, let’s begin.

I feel as if there is an Ace problem in the Shadow and Bone fandom because it feels like everyone has things mixed up and is unaware of what the definition of asexual is, but there are a few people on here that I have interacted with, who came across more acephobic when discussing these topics. It also doesn’t help that there was a major issue with one of the writers posting a picture of two of the actors with a caption that was very, whether she meant to or not, offensive and harmful. But let’s talk about why I think there may be an ace issue in the fandom.

My first problem is how people view mainly Kaz, but also Inej. It is really bothersome when people say that they are asexual due to trauma. You can headcanon them as asexual if you have something else to back it up other than relying on trauma. Why? Because it’s harmful. Coming out to my friends and family that I was demisexual wasn’t always easy, because some immediately thought that it meant something was wrong. I was asked straight out by one person if I had been sexually assaulted and if that is the reason why I claimed I was demisexual, with someone even suggesting I go to therapy for it. This happens to people on the ace spectrum more than people think, leading to the allo-sexual people believing in the myth that being asexual means “broken” or “damaged”. It has been known to happen that a character can be both asexual and traumatized, but their sexuality shouldn’t be based on what their trauma is. Imagine asking a lesbian if they prefer women because they had a bad experience with a man. Doesn’t that sound incredibly offensive? It’s the same thing with ace-spectrum people.

Kaz and Inej do want each other, there are more than three passages which talks about their desires for each other. I personally headcanon them as demisexual, mainly because in those times the narration talks of desire, it’s always to each other, but that is just me. There is no denying that they want each other, just held back by their own traumas, and how they both want to heal in order to achieve intimacy. Quite literally, at the end of Crooked Kingdom, they are holding hands without gloves, and it shows that they are healing and want to try to further their physical relationship, and it doesn’t take away the great emotional bond that they have together.

Trauma is something that should be healed, it should not be something a person carries throughout their life, preventing them from living a healthy and happy life. Hearing people say that there can’t be anything more between them even in the future because they are asexual due to trauma feels like you don’t want them to heal from their abusive past. The fact that Kaz can’t even hold hands with her is sad, the fact that people touch Inej and she’s back at the menagerie is tragic, they should be able to have the chance to have simple intimacies with people, regardless of whether or not you want them to have sex. If your only argument as to why a character is asexual is “trauma” then you are doing it wrong.

The other problem I have is Tolya. I love Tolya, he’s a great character, and I know that many people who watch the show may have not read the books, but he is aro-ace. In Rule of Wolves, Nikolai asks Tolya why he is single, the text says “Tolya shrugged his huge shoulders. ‘I have my faith, my books, I never wanted more.’”, which is as close to saying aro-ace without saying the words (x). People have taken the tiny moment between him and Inej as something possibly romantic, and I hope the show doesn’t go that route, not just because Kanej is endgame, but because it would be stripping away the proper ace-spectrum representation the fandom needs. But what bothers me more is how fans, who may not know this, are being told by others why they don’t like the relationship will react harshly, saying that it’s not set in stone, that Tolya is whatever they want him to be.

So, a character who isn’t ace in the source material is suddenly ace, but then a different character who is ace in the source material suddenly isn’t. This is a problem. I was talking about this with another blog and their response was to say that it isn’t set in stone, how dare I try to change his sexuality, and I just don’t want Inej to have nice things. I didn’t change anything about his sexuality, it’s that way in the books, and the show never said what his sexuality is or isn’t, and this idea that Inej deserves someone who can touch her is incredibly offensive. This is similar to the one writer who made an Instagram post with Amita and Lewis, with a comment that says “Sometimes you need some skin on skin” link right here (x). This is incredibly offensive, to suggest that the only way a fulfilling relationship is through physical means, erasing Inej’s trauma, making fun to the point of being ableist of Kaz, and ignoring that Tolya is canonically aro-ace.

Diversity is incredibly important, there is no denying that, and as someone on the ace-spectrum, I always look for it, but when there is an actual character who is shown to be on the spectrum, it is incredibly disrespectful to change that just because you want to ship them with someone else. Imagine if Tolya was gay and you changed him to being straight because you liked him with a female character, that would have been bad. It’s the same thing.

In short, being ace is not a result of trauma, people should be allowed to heal, and don’t change character’s sexual/romantic preferences just for your own shipping needs.

 Tagging: @foxhellvar @darklingswhore @manikas-whims @smolandweirdwriter @lixiesbabyhands @lyannarhaegars @quillsthrills @freddycartr @freddycarterus 

[neptune-scythe]

The reason I take issue with people sexualizing Kanej or portraying them in a way of being physically intimate is because doing so takes away valuable representation that they provide

Representation for asexuals, for people who have touch related trauma, and people who simply don't like or want touch

There is so little representation for us, as is, and people are (unintentionally or not) taking away this too

Especially for Kaz

Yes I want him to heal, but giving him the desire for or action of physical touch, especially within the canon timeline where he still is unable to have that, is erasing representation for haphephobia and touch aversion

And if we're being honest (because I know the haters are gonna come after me and say the only way for Kaz to heal is to be super touchy), if it's between Kaz healing and losing that representation, or remaining crippled by his trauma but keeping the representation, i would take the representation any day

Of course I want Kaz to heal, and unlike the acephobic haters that keep coming after me, I am aware that Kaz can heal and still not want touch

But Kaz is a fictional character, his healing, while important and something we all want, is not in the greater scheme of things more important than the representation his trauma provides in the real world

Especially for me, I had no idea haphephobia was a thing until I read six of crows. I thought I was just making up my dislike of skin to skin contact based off my parents focus on modesty growing up, and my not wanting to violate or intrude but touching People's skin ... not realizing it was my own dislike until I read six of crows.

That's why I fight so hard about this

Because it's not just about the character, it's about what they're providing in the real world. It's important, and needs to be talked about.

And I'm sure someone will come on here and say I'm making a huge deal out of nothing and that they're just fictional characters, but some things are a huge deal, and representation is.

And if you're having a hard time understanding, let me use this example

It would be as if Wylan suddenly could read, yes he is technically "healed" but the representation has been erased

Or if a healer fixed Kaz's limp, yes hes technically healed but the representation is gone

Those two examples would be weird right? You would have a problem with it, with erasing a big part of who these characters are and what they mean to people, even if it does give the characters an easier or better life

That's the same for Kaz and Inej's touch aversions. It is representation, it's part of why they mean so much to me ... and why this topic is bigger than just book characters

Touch aversion and haphephobia deserve to be acknowledged and treated as valuable representation that needs to be preserved and handled with care

It's not just a casual thing that is light and no biggie

It is a big deal to me and likely a lot of other people

And I will never stop talking about it and fighting for it

[cinno2]

an ace-spec take on kanej

long time no grishaverse post… allow me a moment to express my thoughts on kanej because they are so dear to me and i never had the right way to explain

as an ace-spec person i find kanej to be so nice and so moving especially given how popular they are among fans. i love how leigh gives them room to breathe and learn their boundaries and never has them magically become ‘fixed’.

personally i don’t feel like kanej ever needs to come to a point where they fit the standard of what relationships ‘should’ be. i love how their emotional reliance and understanding of each other pushes them to be better, and how they still see themselves of worthy of love despite it not being stereotypical.

all this to say i think it’s a fairly common ace experience to feel that there is something wrong with you. whether you feel romantic or sexual attraction or not does not equal your worthiness of love. there are many kinds of people on this earth and you are not alone in your experiences

i’ve never seen someone comment on the ace aspects of kanej (this could be because i have not been engaging with the fandom for a bit) so i figured i would throw my two cents out there and hope maybe this hits home for some or introduces others to a different way of looking at some beloved characters!

kanej is great because they are independent and beautiful characters with so much life to them. their relationship is a part of who they are and their arc towards true healing and i would love to see more ace-spec content about them :)

edit: just realized i never really posted any grishaverse content on my side blog! if you’re interested in an old timer haha you can find my work on @cinno

[queer-headcanons-archive]

Kaz Brekker from the Six Of Crows Duology is asexual! (headcanon)

[sissytobitch10seconds]

I honestly think it's so interesting that people tend to pick Kaz when they're making a character aro/ace when in the books Tolya mentions having no interest in romance or finding a partner and Harshaw (who was sadly omitted from S2) is mentioned to only love fire.

[aroacesafeplaceforall]

saw ur post abt found families being aspec coded or smth like that idk the exact wording…was curious if you have specific hcs abt what labels the crows + the blacks use.

Acespec regulus

Arospec Sirius

Aplatonic andy

Aromantic bella

Acespec (Demi) narcissa

Acespec sex repulsed kaz (hatred of touch went beyond the trauma)

Acespec inej due to trauma

Arospec Jesper specifically romance adverse and gray

(More later have stuff to do rn brb)

[witherydithery]

Asexuality Headcanons II

Part 1: Introduction & Background Part 2: "Kaz and Inej are Allowed to Heal" Part 3: Asexuality Headcanons I Part 4: Asexuality Headcanons II ★ Part 5: Conclusion

Misunderstanding the Headcanon

Just as these posts are often misinformed on asexuality, they also seem to be misinformed as to who is headcanoning Kaz as asexual. Which means they end up inadvertently harming the very community they seek to protect. Because, who could have guessed, the people who read Kaz as asexual are, in fact, asexual themselves.

Who Are They Fighting? 

At the core of such posts is, of course, the belief that people are headcanoning Kaz as asexual under the false assumption that his touch aversion is equivalent to asexuality. I do not doubt that some people have such reasons. But I can also say that I have never encountered anyone who has.

The only people I have ever encountered who headcanon Kaz as asexual are fellow asexual people who have seen something within his character that either they identify with or read as asexual. This should not be all that surprising, given that it’s how most headcanons of this ilk are formed. And out of these people who headcanon Kaz as asexual, I have never seen any of them who do so because of his touch aversion. After all, these are predominantly asexual people who are well aware of what constitutes their own sexuality.

All of the above can give the impression that those making these posts are fighting an imagined enemy. And indeed, this is a largely one-sided argument. The only posts I have ever seen that are in any way opposing these posts are those discussing asexual Kaz headcanons and the individual's reasoning for them. Reasons which are never his touch aversion nor his trauma, yet these people do feel the need to present their posts as counterarguments to the sorts of posts I have been discussing thus far.

Missing the Mark 

Now why would people who are headcanoning Kaz for completely different reasons feel the need to defend themselves against these posts? Well, these posts often do not stop at speaking against bad reasons for asexual headcanons. And even when they do, the constant association between asexual headcanons and negativity is enough to leave a sense of having your headcanon attacked.

This is especially the case when these posts tend to include more than just a warning about the repercussions of an asexual Kaz headcanon formed on misinformation. Oftentimes these posts will delve also into a refutation of asexual headcanons as a whole. They will claim that the text disproves such a headcanon or even that to think of Kaz this way is stupid. These kinds of claims counteract the credibility of such posts, going after people outside of their supposed targets and outright insulting some, and cause whole new issues to arise.

Right off the bat, I will establish that headcanons do not need textual evidence. They are incredibly dependent on the reader and the character and often depend on much more than the events in canon. But in any case, to say that there is a definitive lack of textual evidence or that the text outright refutes such a headcanon is a bold and terribly close-minded stance. I can and will go in-depth on how Kaz can easily be read as asexual one day, but suffice it to say: If someone identifies with a character, there is no saying they are wrong. If someone reads a character a certain way, there is evidently a reason for it. Either way, there is clearly something there that no list of supposed evidence will delegitimize.

Treatment of the Headcanon

Why make a list in the first place? Why do they feel so compelled to disprove a headcanon? Headcanons are a reflection of a reader: their experience reading and what they find compelling. You can't tell someone they definitely interpreted something wrong: it's art, and its meaning is in the mind of the beholder. And so the posts surrounding this headcanon fall into the all too uncommon misconception that headcanons are something that can be disproven or that they are an ignorant misinterpretation of the canon.

Ignorance is assumed of those headcanoning Kaz as asexual an awful lot. It is at the core of even the kindest of these posts, as all of them perceive those headcanoning Kaz as asexual as guilty until proven innocent. They address those they believe to be in the majority, those headcanoning Kaz as asexual due to his trauma, and add the validity of other asexual headcanons as an afterthought. Even without the refutation of all asexual Kaz headcanons that are equally as common, this in itself creates a sense of negativity around the idea of Kaz being asexual.

All of this hostility centred around a character being asexual has made me, an asexual person, feel unwelcome. Because although it is about a fictional character, the association between asexuality and hostility in the fandom leaves a disagreeable and unwelcoming impression.

Consequences

Many of my first encounters in the Six of Crows fandom on Tumblr were with posts against asexual Kaz headcanons. And as someone who read Kaz as ace and subsequently headcanoned him as such, these posts greatly affected my experiences and associations with fandom.

My Kaz headcanon is dear to me. Reading Kaz was the first time I saw my identity reflected in a character not expressly meant as representation, and I value having had that experience.  I like feeling connected to this character I love, and I like to think of the ways in which this headcanon could affect his character.

To see the negativity around the same headcanon made me feel very unwelcome. Especially in those early days when those posts were very common in the tag. I felt in some ways that since my experience reading the books was not welcome, maybe neither was I. I certainly didn't feel as though I could fully participate in the fandom. I am in fandom spaces to share my thoughts and love for the media with others who are also familiar with it, and I want to be able to share the full breadth of my thoughts! But the fandom taught me early on that this is not a headcanon that will be received well. And so I was afraid to share those thoughts. And in fearing sharing these thoughts I was afraid of expressing myself fully in the fandom. I still am!

[sheppardsmckay]

Sex doesn't make us whole. And so, how could you ever be broken? / asexual character representation 🖤🤍💜

@lgbtqcreators event 22 — LGBTQ+ joy

[swimmingchicken9]

idk how i didn't realize i was aroace sooner

any time my friends bring up a new relationship or something positive that happened between them and their partner, i feel like i should be excited for them, but i'm just... not.

like if they get a new game or say they're going on vacation i'm happy for them but when it comes to relationship stuff? i don't feel a thing

like wow! congrats on the boyfriend! anyway.

also including the fact that i find making out gross like i could probably handle a brief kiss but call me kaz brekker in the way i avoid intimacy