#as someone who struggles with anger
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happy birthday to the man, the pig, the legend, whose character said NO USERS with his whole chest so loudly it reduced the city that tried to use him to a smoking bedrock crater and altered my brain chemistry and concept of self-worth forever
#happy birthday technoblade#Technoblade25#c!techno#miss him every day - some more than others#and i'll always wish that there was more time#but if he had a hundred lives he'd choose to be technoblade again every time#and in that sense it was an honor to share even a little of the life he loved so much#he changed mine for the better and i wish i'd been able to tell him#as someone who struggles with anger#who's been made out as nothing but a bully and a monster because of that anger#to the point where even i started believing it#this scene reached directly into my heart and headbutted my soul#you have worth!! you have value!!#you are not a tool or a resource or a threat to be used!!#you are a person!!
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moment of appreciation again for what is possibly my favourite later game percy quote that everyone always forgets about
(said to vex, of course)
#another thing tlovm hasn't touched on yet that i hope they do (bc next season would be a great place for it) -#both percy and vex struggle so much with anger issues and holding grudges#and the reason they work so well together is because literally a few minutes before their first kiss#they make a commitment to helping each other learn how to forgive even when it's hard - because that's the only way to grow#percy had orthax and vex had saundor both who fed on those impulses and tried to turn them into their worst selves#and they both could very easily have fallen to that! but they don't want to. so they're going to keep each other on the right track#and this is really the pinnacle of it#percy being able to recognise when he really wants to hurt someone and going hmm nope vex seems to be objective here im gonna listen to vex#cr1#c1e99#percy de rolo#vex'ahlia#perc'ahlia#cr thoughts
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i hope we continue to see more protests within the US military. i see a lot of leftists and folks who are anti-military who have such an open disdain for the people who are in the military, yet neglect to considering the conditions this country makes to produce ideology, poverty, and the illusion of choice to make all kinds of people choose to enlist in the military. You ever see those videos of ROTC kids recording each other asking why they joined the military and everyone's like, "healthcare", "it helped me go to college", "I was bored" or "free ptsd lol". I hate to remind everyone but folks who are in the military are people, too, and they are the same victims and perpetrators of violence as the rest of you, we have all been shallowly conditioned to view each other as enemies just because one person is wearing army greens and the other is not.
some of the biggest anti-war advocates are those who engaged in war. Veterans who genuinely believed they were protecting the US against "terrorism" come back with blood on their hands, and they choose to realize that it was US imperialism that forced them to carry out violence, instead of doubling down and shielding themselves from the fact that they too are capable of atrocities... This is a class of people who are intentionally conditioned to be as poor and as ideologically aligned to US imperialism so that the military has a never-ending pool to send their youth to destroy other country's youth. The only people I have ever heard say "do not join the military" are those who ARE military.
This is in no way to ever excuse or explain away any of the atrocious war crimes and violence this industry and its people have committed against others. What I am saying is that we absolutely cannot cast aside the individuals who have been victimized within US imperialism, even if they are wearing army greens. I was speaking with my Palestinian classmate last week and another classmate--a member of the US air force-- walked up to me and struck up a conversation. My military classmate showed me her new bird, bid both of us goodbye, and left. My Palestinian classmate asked me if I was close with her, and I said we talked quite often, and she said, "I never met a person who's in the military. I still hate the military, but I never knew that they did, too. I didn't realize that they were also victims."
If my Palestinian classmate--one who is actively watching her own community die--can understand that it is not individuals who are the problem but it is in fact systems, US imperialism, white supremacy, capitalism...why can't we all? And she has EVERY reason to hate any individual military member. A lot of online activism just creates more barriers. if your optics look bad, complicated, or contradictory, you are cast aside. Everyone has got the be the perfect activist, you can never make a mistake or share a half-baked thought, you should always believe every word from a marginalized persons mouth (because being marginalized doesn't mean you're not entrenched in white supremacy too!) and you should never question what you see...Do you know what you sound like? The very imperialists who are convincing poor whites to vote against themselves. Perfectionism is white supremacy. Black & white thinking is white supremacy.
I'd rather have a military member who genuinely believed in the US imperialism machine but was disillusioned after being deployed as my comrade than some leftist who cherishes the performance of "being a good person". I don't want "good people" in our movements. I want humans who care. I want humans who make mistakes and who learn from them. I want humans who accept the messiness of a person. I want humans who hold others accountable and allow themselves to take responsibility for their actions. I want people who change for themselves and others.
fight systems, not individual people. we can change each other, but if we're too preoccupied looking like the World's Perfect Activists, we will only consume each other alive. Connect to your fellow humans, forever and always.
#muertotalks#a mind dump after seeing so much come out after the self immolation of the us air force member#i know hes not the first one to self immolate for palestine#and he might not be the last#i hate the military#i really fucking do#but i choose to see the people within them as victims within the overall system just like the rest of us#i will never go through what they did to make them choose to enlist#i never struggled with poverty homelessness healthcare or social acceptance#i wont shame them#shame is not productive#i want them to know there are civilians who support their protests#i want them to know that we their allies too#a note on my palestinian classmate#if youre arab or also a colonized person impacted by the us military feel free to hate every member of the military#i dont intend to police yall in how you choose to feel your anger#im angry with you#the point i mean to make is about understanding and compassion#someone who has every right to hate these people still chose to see them as the people they are#yes i even want the best for the “bad” people in the military too#i dont want these people to continue the ideology but we cant stop that without dismantling these systems#and we cant do that without creating spaces for healing and reform and growth#so many thoughts so many thoughts#none of this is easy#i fight daily against impulsively hating the world#everyday is a fight to choose compassion and understanding#but being a leftist and doing leftism is not fucking easy#if you genuinely think it is it isnt#and you may be missing the point of what leftism is#anyway
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fiona gallagher // the angry man in the house
#ami weaves a web#for real this time!!! since it's not just a couple of pictures with lyrics from one (1) song lol#anyways#tw abuse#something about growing up with an angry abusive father and harboring all this fear and then watching your siblings learn his violence#and then turn it on you#and you're also this deeply angry person#there's no escaping that#but seeing your father's rage in your baby brother's eyes#the baby brother you've raised from infancy#god. it fucks me up so much#also the fact that fiona looks resigned to frank's anger and puts on this brave face when he's yelling at her but is visibly shaken and#terrified when it's lip or ian is breaking my heart#you can put up your wall of steel when you know someone's going to hurt you. but when you don't expect it...#man fuck these fathers who put their hands on their little kids#i should be allowed to go feral i think. hm. maybe i am just struggling to be at home with my family. anyways#fuck frank all my homies hate frank
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hey as someone who struggles with lashing out at people when I'm upset, I'd like to remind everyone that saying that it's out of character for someone to lash out/get really upset/struggle with anger sometimes when the rest of the time they're a super kind and thoughtful person is just as bad as only remembering that one specific characteristic about them and completely forgetting that they're super kind and thoughtful person!
#it actually hurts my feelings sometimes#as someone who strives to be nice to everyone but when things don't work out I get really strong anger flashes#even if I handle some things super well! there's a lot of things I DON'T handle well#fandom used to make me worry that that was all people would remember me by because it was all they acknowledged about Fitz#and NOW this fandom makes me worry that people just don't think both things can coexist#being nice and sometimes lashing out that is#kotlc#fitz vacker#sometimes I feel like I'm indirectly being told that occasionally struggling with anger undermines being kind and thoughtful#or that someone who is really nice would never do that#and guess how that makes ME feel#I'm sure I'm not the only one either
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Me? Writing a fic about Marya Van Eck? More likely than you'd think.
{Peep into the google docs there whoops}
Inspired by @aphroditestummyrolls moodboard for her because it was ~perfection~
#featuring an exploration of her views on motherhood#her relationship with Jan#her struggles reconnecting with Wylan#her resentment and anger#and meeting the crows!#(specifically Jesper)#someone should stop me#okay but honestly who would read this#it's happening either way but like-#wylan van eck#wylan hendriks#marya van eck#soc#six of crows#wesper#fanfic
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decided that in my own personal canon, Santiago’s maker looked similar to Louis, simply because Ben Daniels stated that Santiago was very likely in love with his maker. and wouldn’t it be some kind of torture to fall in love with the man who murdered your first vampiric love? to then watch him fall in love with another, who bears an eerie resemblance to that first love? to be witness to something tender and affectionate blooming, every moment a memory of how none of those you’ve adored have ever wanted you back? it would be agony. it would be torture. god, you would just hate them to pieces, loathing even as you loved them. and you wouldn’t know peace - not until the whole pack of them learnt the horror of love, just as you have.
#I like to think that Santiago was courted by his maker. that it was a genuine interest#perhaps turned to be an immortal companion before his maker saw his mind and past and realised how dull he was#imagine being sold the beautiful dream of having an immortal companion who loves you and chose you out of everyone#to be the only they spend eternity with. forever in the arms of love#just for him to see you. truly see you as nobody ever has. and then instantly recoil#abandon you in disgust. he doesn’t care what you do. he doesn’t care where you go. he doesn’t care what you call yourself. francis.#santiago is a strange inverse of claudia#she is a grown woman struggling against her body - constantly being viewed as her past rather than who she truly is#but she is capable and knowing and refuses to pretend. she is Claudia the adult woman. she is Claudia the cage breaker. Claudia the killer.#while I think Santiago is still deep down Francis. lonely and needy and wanting someone to pick him. but nobody ever will#and so he covers himself up in lies and leather and performs on stage. and nobody thinks anyone is standing there but Santiago#I just LOVE torture. imagine how upsetting all of it would be#he’s still a foul cunt. but god the agony. Armand killing the man he loves. Armand falling in love with someone who looks so similar.#and Santiago can have none of them. will only be touched in anger. so make them angry. get them to touch him.#furious desire to hurt is a kind of desire. he’ll take what he can get. he’s going to get it.#he decides to become the new master of the coven when every part of him is clearly begging#please please please want me take me need me make me yours please don’t turn away don’t pick someone else#he’s so careless with the women because life’s not fair ladies! the powerful want you then they drop you after they’ve used you#if I’m a toy you’re all toys. if I’m used I’ll use up the lot of you.#exactly my favourite kind of guy. wants to be loved eternally would flinch if he received it because what even is this?#santiago iwtv#santiago#ldpdl#louis de pointe du lac#armand#armand iwtv#armand interview with the vampire#iwtv#interview with the vampire
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I have a question, but it may be already have been answered in the story (my brain is just not the best with memory).
Since vampirism symbolises for you chronical illness (which, omg, that is a hot take I've never thought off before and love from now on), does Steve count as chronical ill, too, with the whole halfvampire thing going on? So, would his uncontrollable time jumping each month be a symptom of that chronical illness?
not in the story, no worries! Just a possible interpretation and my personal intent when writing.
As a small aside I personally don't like to think of chronic illness as something that people "count" as, so to speak, it's an extremely personal label and incredibly varied between individuals and as with all disability there is never such thing as hard lines or black and white... but I understand why you worded it that way and I understand what you're asking.
So, yes, Steve is also chronically ill within this framework. The entire comic is sort of shaped around this, to be honest! I mean he canonically has some pretty extreme memory issues... He's also canonically homeless (not that this is an illness but I just mean it's something I think most people forget about him when discussing him). And, yes, his condition is uncontrollable and is severely impacting his ability to live the life he wants to live.
He has just been barely coping up to the point we meet him, and has been very desperate which is what led him to creating that list of deviations. He has periods where his body is out of his control, he is unable to form relationships, he hurts others without meaning or wanting to... Yeah. He's metaphorically relating to a lot of things, really.
So, yknow, you're welcome to interpret him as you'd like! for me I relate a lot with my various issues and conditions and thus that's why I've projected on him the way I have, but of course I would understand entirely different interpretations of what is inherently metaphorical.
#I also have an extremely personal relationship with addiction#and also with anger management issues#among other things#uhm#and so reading this I think it is possible for someone to read that into it as well#however personally I dont really like vampires as a metaphor for addiction... for many reasons but#I think it's also just a bit messier than I would like things to be#and isnt how I really would personally choose to portray an addict at all.#though I do think of addiction as an illness as well so. as I was writing this I was sort of seeing glimpses of that as well#so. idk!#interpret how you like.#I mean as long as the interpretation isnt erasing his very real struggle#he is straight up homeless because of an uncontrollable condition that he has#so like. it's serious#I recognize that the way I write sort of puts a happy go lucky veneer over things#and I'm aware that it sort of hinders the severity of the situation somewhat inherently#to where people have been SHOCKED I look at steve as chronically ill when he... the entire comic is based around it...#my personal theory for this is that I uhm. me and my worlds are very accomodating and so the struggles are more internal#rather than necessarily external#besides of course the like cops being after him#but like because it's less societal and more internal I think many people don't recognize it#and because people are gentle and understanding I think they recognize it less...#I dont know how to explain this properly you will have to forgive me.#but it's something I wonder on often. why don't people recognize his extreme pain and his terrible situation for what it is..?#is it cause he has a rich boyfriend now and money is solving the situation or...#anyways.#anon#asks#if its simply because of how I write I think I need to work on that.#but if its because of people not recognizing illnesses in people who 'seem fine/happy' then I'm glad to make people second guess things
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Late night magenta.
#im not going back to facebook#im not going back to twitter#or instagram#any of those#i realized not everyone is entitled to me and i to them#why force connections#why force people to be roots of your tree when they were supposed to be leaves that come and go with the seasons#not to mention why care about where i went off to where i had gone when i gave advance notice im out#is it out of sincerity cause you genuinely thought i vanished from the face of the earth#or is it you got bored with everyone else around you and saw me as a spare at the back of the shelf#or the secret third option you needed someone to talk to cause evidently im a damn good therapist and you don't have to pay me therapy money#im very careful who i give my energy to#if we pop into each others spheres lets not waste it even if its for a short amount of time#like you i can't be everyones root or branch or leaf for their tree#but i can always be the wind#all around and you might think of me often but im not here im somewhere else#dont mean for all the cryptic metaphors#im just frustrated so many people that ignored me when i was homeless and struggling finally want to see how I've been#when i put it out there i needed help#only to get told i “wasnt loud enough”#i don't hold resentment toward them or anger#if anything it makes me sad for them#cause they can't enjoy the person i am now#not unless i choose it#magenta is my vent word
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I’ve been so badly traumatized by people online constantly demanding my attention and snuffing me out in the worst possible ways in the past that to this day I dont know how to properly emotionally navigate this kind of behavior when i am faced with it again, even when its mild.
I’ve went through experiencing unrelenting and overbearing messaging to weird guilt trips and even (I hope to dear god my assumptions to be wrong here) people vagueing at me in such an oddly specific, hurtful manner when i dont appear to be available for their needs and it just...Fuck, it eats away at me. It doesnt happen too often nowdays but, I recognize those behaviors returning and it bothers me alot...
Its easy when its strangers unlike my fucked up now ex friends, I can just put the boundary without all of the previous mess...But I cant shake how incredibly mad it still makes me TT This inappropriate reaction to want to bite and lash out and burn that bridge immediatly to spare myself a FRACTION of the trouble, and for fucks sake i know its still the remnants of the damage inflicted upon me echoing out as self defense but its so uncalled for and im tired of feeling like a mad dog when this trigger is being activated. I really want to unlearn this behavior...
#ventful howling#Want to tell people off politely instead of growing so overwhelmed with either anger or apathy#I dont want to go into details as to why it effects me so much because my ex friends abused this so fucking hard for me and it certainly#left a mark that remained to this day and its one of the main reasons why ive been so distant and distrustful online#socializing has always been such a tough subject for me as someone who struggled with self expression their entire life#I went through all the wrong people in the past that made it ten times worse#and i feel so damn mad for going through what they put me through#i dont want their damage to sip onto my life. my relationships.#i dont want to unjustly hurt someone with the residue of my struggles especially when im well aware most people are not out to get me ;;#communication is hard...But its incredibly important to me and i want to protect it both ways#just...needed to get this out#will delete later
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I went through my old photo album and found a bunch of pictures from over a year and a half ago when I was dating my ex (the one who cheated on me). I pulled them all out of the album and.......yeah
Anyway, this is a part of what healing can look like:
#healing#breakups#mental therapy#trust issues#trauma#your pain is valid#cheating#the best part of this is that it hasn't even out of impulsive anger or hatred#it was my way of letting go#i pulled them out of the book and wondered what to do with them#because it seemed weird to me to throw away these perfect and glossy photographs no matter who was in them#and i have an issue with attaching myself to random things and being unable to throw them away#to be able to look at these pictures and not only throw them away#but to cut them up#to DESTROY them#turn them to shreds#it was healing#for someone who struggles to let go#to be able to just destroy that evidence of that relationship and that hurt#it was powerful#and so healing#i removed those from my life#empowering#healing is hard#it's long#and you don't control how long it takes#but you can control how you heal#everyone deserves to heal and if you're struggling just keep going because you will get there#anxiety#depression
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they did norrington so right with the quiet, emotional but still restrained, "do not make the mistake of believing you are the only man here who cares for elizabeth"
#like. up until this point in the movie how has norrington been presented? on the crossing he's humorless and very buttoned-up#once elizabeth's grown up there's that conversation where her father makes reference to his hopes for the two of them getting together#she's deeply unenthused. now we have norrington as the unexciting but expected romantic prospect (vs. her immediate chemistry with will)#the promotion ceremony is formal but not terribly exciting. his proposal is awkward and uncompelling#he mistakes elizabeth's clear physical discomfort for nerves (and yeah. he's nervous too. but she's literally struggling to breathe)#he's not only dismissive of jack (arguably rightfully so. but at this point jack is clearly someone we're meant to root for)#he's quick to threaten hanging. he wholly overlooks any role will played in the capture (will who we're also clearly meant to root for)#all respect to the norrington girlies but at this point in the movie he's certainly not a hero or someone we're meant to sympathize with#and then elizabeth gets taken! and will storms in!! and he's all righteous anger over her capture#and norrington's response /doesn't seem good enough!! and we're with will who's clearly ready to do whatever it will take to save her#and then norrington's composure breaks and we get this banger line. of course he cares. of course he also cares for elizabeth#but he's commodore of the fort! unike will he doesn't get the luxury of letting those feelings drive him to the disregard of everything els#excellent character moment. we didn't deserve this movie every element absolutely rips the whole way through#kayla posts#pirates of the caribbean
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My mother, who claims to have ADHD, saying the video discussing ADHD and how it effects productivity is “super long and repetitive”, as if it’s not written by someone with ADHD.
#spaghetti speaks#I sent her the Jaiden Animations video#I thought the video went and explained things very well and easy to understand#I thought maybe she’d understand some of my behaviors a little better- especially regarding productivity and forgetfulness#but she was instead annoyed a video about ADHD by someone with ADHD is repeating points to understand the struggles of ADHD#I don’t know it just really peeved me#especially since she keeps trying to say she has ADHD because she’s loud and easily distracted#and not because of legitimately anything else having to do with ADHD#it gets on my nerves- as someone who’s constantly verbally torn to shreds by this woman for things that ADHD makes me do#distraction? forgetfulness? fidgeting? repeating myself? constant need for stimuli? Unable to do tasks for seemingly no reason?#Lack of motivation? Inability to focus? Constantly requiring movement?#I’m just being “childish” or “lazy” or “annoying”#GRAH#anger#adhd#actually adhd#neurodivergent#neurodivergency#executive dysfunction#neurodiversity
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"just google it" "do your own homework" "google is free" "find it yourself the information is out there"
but they are. they are asking people who have that information, for the information. they are doing their homework by reaching out and asking people questions. just because it's not typed on a search bar, doesn't mean it's any less of putting an effort to finding things out.
like i'm sorry people in the past refused/ridiculed you when you asked them for help. doesn't mean you have to be like them tho. why is learning through human interaction rejected in favour of isolated learning?
#my posts#rants#im part of the organising team for the women's march in my city#and someone interested to join the march was asking public transport directions to the march#the immediately response from the social media team in our group chat was to berate that person for being lazy/not doing their homework#like sure the transit map is available on the website#but anyone who takes public transport in my city KNOWS that the trains and maps are unreliable in so many ways#i was exploring a different line yesterday and got on the wrong train despite being on the correct platform#and i take public transport regularly and have a good sense of direction but the public transport here isnt designed to be user friendly#if they had to ask which line they should interchange at you KNOW they are clueless and probably terrified of the public transportation her#and yet as organisers they refuse to make it easier for people to participate at a march no one owes us to attend#they just gave them a link and asked them to figure it out themselves#i am very familiar with that route and i just KNOW the interchange is confusing and large enough that beginner commuters will get lost#and you know what could happen if someone struggles to navigate public transport? they probably would just go home instead#they blame the education system for producing youngsters who are spoon fed#girl the older generation said the exact same thing about your generation pls#your misdirected anger is being projected at the victim of this system instead of at the actual problem#which is what i've been observing from career activists around me and more#you claim to fight for the people#but the very people you're fighting for are asking you for help#yet you refuse to help them unless it's through significant policies or drastic systemic changes#your fight is conditional and only convenient for you but you refuse to admit it and then pretend the opposite#the moment they decided that they would 'teach them a lesson' indirectly by forcing them to figure out their own routes#they've already fallen into that activist trap of thinking they are above everyone else and that they are here to teach people how to#be a better person according to their standards because they know better by being more involved in activism and are better educated#instead of putting themselves in the girl's shoes and not assuming the worst of people as the default#maybe that girl is new in town and is unfamiliar with public transport here#maybe they had a bad experience getting lost before and wanted someone experienced to share some commuting tips to avoid getting lost#maybe she would rather pull her teeth out than try to figure out the route with unreliable mountains of information online#maybe she has executive dysfunction that makes filtering through tons of information to find that ONE route very daunting
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Ramble! That some might be able to relate to. It’s in the tags.
#I’ve been thinking a lot about Kain’s lunar trial and how CATHARTIC it has the possibility of being#as someone who struggles with guilt and shame I frequently personify such emotions and sometimes mentally imagine myself fighting them#having a physical manifestation of all your worst/most dangerous traits would be so polarizing in my mind#watching some demon masquerade around wearing your face while you know very well that it is as much a part of you as the blood in your veins#having the ability to duke it out with that manifestation could be so counter/productive#sure you might get some anger out and gaslight yourself into believing such feelings are quelled#but in reality you’ve just made it angrier#and while it recovers from a distance it boils and bubbles and churns and worsens like an infection#I have a similar manifestation planned out for thrush’s lunar trial as a parallel to kain’s but it is formatted in a way that appears as if+#they are watching their own life had they not fled Troia. it’s a manifestation of cowardice and dysphoria and shame#and granted there is no dark thrush it’s lunar sylphs casting an illusion#but still! I had some thoughts and wanted to get them out there#ffiv#st highwind#rambling…
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the thing I'll always be angry about, I think, is the crippling interpersonal anxiety and deeply rooted fear of being seen as intrusive when, objectively, I am not.
#this is an anger directed at one specific person#but there are basic social scripts I struggle to follow sometimes#not because I lack understanding of them but because someone made me feel like I'm not allowed to benefit from them#but that's what happens when you shut down a child's attachment/social needs so harshly that they internalize some inner sense of 'badness'#add the catholic guilt thing on top of that and you get me- someone who overthinks basic social niceties for fear they'll be unwanted
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