#and i have an issue with attaching myself to random things and being unable to throw them away

[tenaciousmoneymuffinzine]

I went through my old photo album and found a bunch of pictures from over a year and a half ago when I was dating my ex (the one who cheated on me). I pulled them all out of the album and.......yeah

Anyway, this is a part of what healing can look like:

[avitus-ostrander]

5 comfort characters & 5 tags

Thank you @sonderlativ​ for the tag

#1 - Varis zos Galvus (Final Fantasy XIV) 

Many of my favorite characters are not necessarily comforting. I do not handle character death exceptionally well. After being brutally emotionally tortured by Blizzard for years as they slowly and agonizingly character assassinated and killed off a character I loved (who at the time was a comfort character, helping me recover from another character death), I was left unable to get attached to anyone. 

Enter Varis.

I remember finishing the ARR MSQ and seeing him show up and thinking “ooh the new emperor is really attractive…” and that was kind of fun. I hadn’t experienced that sort of instant pull to a character in quite some time. It still took an act of will to allow myself to actually get attached to him. And then, after some agonizing, I decided to ship my player character, Aurelien, with him. This was the most self-indulgent thing I had ever allowed myself to do. 

He also got me back into drawing after a multi-year hiatus. If anyone wants to see some random shipping pics, they can be found here. 

He’s a serious, dedicated, deeply flawed person, and I love him immensely. Also, his relationship with my OC is possibly the only ‘healthy’ relationship I have ever written. 

#2 - Millions Knives (Trigun)

This will come as a surprise to (probably) no one who is following me here. 

So I’d been having a pretty difficult time and was struggling a lot. I’d pretty much given up on being alive and was just mindlessly counting down the days. 

Then my best friend suggested we give Trigun Stampede a try. I was skeptical, because reboots often burn me and Trigun was something I loved from my childhood, but I figured if it sucked we could hit the bricks. 

When Knives showed up and announced his presence by playing the piano, I completely lost my mind. I instantly felt something I had not felt in SO LONG. I regained the will to live. I felt EXCITED to be alive again. 

I really tried to fight it for a few days, but I couldn’t. I gave myself an undercut. I smiled uncontrollably at any mention of anything even tangentially related to him. Hearing a single note from a piano made me feel like I was going to faint from joy. Finally, I confessed to my best friend that I was deeply obsessed. 

The reason he does not make the number 1 spot is because this fixation has come with some serious emotional upheaval, as I evaluate some of my unresolved issues that I see reflected in him. And also, Varis is such a minor character that I just didn’t see that much negativity about him. Knives is in the spotlight a lot more, so it can be more challenging to just casually indulge without running into people who hate him. 

No one has to like him and I can see why some people wouldn’t, but he brought me back to life and sometimes I just want to be able to feel happy about that.

[Honorable mention here goes to Legato for helping me through my Knives-based angst when it comes around. He was my favorite from Trigun in my youth and one of two characters I built a character shrine for (if anyone remembers those).]

# 3 - Erwin Smith (Attack on Titan)

This one is a bit more obscure in its reasoning. Levi was actually my favorite character in Attack on Titan, but I wrote this figure skating/hockey AU where Erwin is arguably the best figure skater in the world and, just before he can prove this in competition, he gets injured and has to give up his dream. 

Years later, a bitter and aimless Erwin discovers Levi, who is participating in underground murder hockey tournaments, and decides to take him under his wing. Erwin regains his sense of purpose. Levi stops risking life and limb on a daily basis. And I got insanely attached to Erwin while working on this crazy AU. 

There was a comic I was working on for the prologue for it, but I only got 3 and a half pages in, because I couldn’t figure out how to render the climactic scene. (for those interested: pg 1, pg 2, pg 3) 

#4 - Yuri Plisetsky (Yuri!!! on Ice)

I swear I don’t exclusively like angry blondes… 

But I might (almost) exclusively have them as comfort characters. 

Yuri on Ice is in general one of my comfort shows. I’ve loved figure skating since forever, so an anime about figure skating was a dream come true! It doesn’t hurt that the main characters are adorable. 

But this mega grouch was my favorite. He is angry and standoffish, but really soft on the inside. And he’s an incredible skater. What more could I ask for? 

(Everyone should brace themselves for the potential that everyone on this list will be drawn skating at some point, if they haven’t been already) 

#5 - Malokh Skullsplitter & Auralion Duskwither (World of Warcraft)

So these two are OCs. As such, I don’t have any great color pictures of them. I started coloring this one, but it’s stuck on a tablet that needs fixing. All of my other pictures of these two are even more outdated, so this will have to do.

I haven’t played WoW in ages and am not sure I ever will again, but I still love my characters dearly. 

Aura is a Blood Elf shadow priest. Malokh is an Orc warrior. 

Anyway, Auralion has been my absolute favorite OC for about… 13+ years now? Like everyone else on this list, he is an angry blonde. He’s also a (very slightly) older twin. When I don’t have a current obsession, I draw/write stuff about him. This is not his proper hair. This is his hair growing back after he was nearly incinerated. Here is a picture of how his hair normally looks. 

While Aura embodies a lot of my struggles and I channel a lot of my angst into him, Malokh embodies a lot of the things I feel like I need. It’s about to get kind of personal here so feel free to skip to the end… 

As a little kid, I had the misfortune of simultaneously finding out that death was a thing and that it could be violent and terrible, and I never felt safe again. My parents comforted me by telling me that I was not important enough to murder, and my takeaway was “these people won’t and can’t defend me.” So I decided I would be the person to defend the family. I became a very aggressive, very cruel person because I didn’t feel safe unless I was the worst person in the room. 

But really, all I wanted was for someone to say they would protect me. 

Malokh embodies all the things I wanted as a kid. He is fiercely loyal, compassionate, intelligent, patient, and he would absolutely wreck anyone who threatened the people he loves. 

I have loved orcs since I was a little kid and first played the original Warcraft RTS game. There was something very comforting to me about being so big and strong that you didn’t really have to be afraid of humans. 

I ship him and Aura in the red quadrant (because I do Homestuck style shipping for some of my OCs). 

And Malokh has black hair, so he breaks the pattern!

Anyway, tagging: @skuppycake​, @dragonofeternal​, @evilgeometry​, @setsuntamew​, @arahith​

No pressure if anyone does not want to do this or doesn’t have time! I tried to message everyone to make sure it was okay, but I am not sure if all of the messages got through. I was getting a lot of ‘message not sent’ errors and lately when I try to comment on posts it takes multiple tries for anything to show up.

[sleeqwalkinq]

vent . tw || — bpd . manipulation . self harm .

all i ever do is hurt him. genuinely. all. of. the. time. and i cant stand myself for it. i do it subconsciously. i want to be able to stop but it is so hard. i know im manipulating him but i cannot stop no matter how hard i try. i dont know why he puts up with me. before , like a yr into our relationship i was fine and we were happy and i kept all of my bpd fits to myself. now that were almost 4yrs in, i take it out on him because im more comfortable. being more comfortable with someone does NOT warrant you abusing them daily. it hurts to see and hear him hurting because of me. but i cannot stop. it ruins me day by day because i either am getting so mad at him over random things that have no value to warrant my anger or im just straight up telling him he doesnt love me anymore because he didnt answer my text fast enough. he tells me it hurts him constantly and i always say i understand and wont do it again but i always do it again without fail. he told me that when i tell him he deserves someone better it hurts him because it feels like i dont wanna be in a relationship with him anymore and i kept doing it until he basically told me he was gonna break up with me if i kept doing it!!!!!!!

i want to be good for him, i really do. i know he loves me dearly and wants to be with me forever, yet i constantly need reassurance from him.

at one point this year it got so bad whenever he was with me and he made me slightly upset i would lock the door to the room i was in and start cutting myself as he banged on the door to beg me to stop. this is a really awful thing for me to admit to. at the time i didnt do it for manipulation i do want to clarify. i was in an awful mental state and had nothing else to turn to when things went wrong. i see now that this is SUPER manipulative and i should have NEVER done it no matter how much i was hurting and unable to cope. the guilt that follows me for this haunts me everyday and i constantly want to apologize for this but im not sure how. ill tell him someday.

i really want to reach out for help for my problems because i am pretty sure the only way ill get better is with therapy, but ive been putting off finding a nee therapist. my mother doesnt know about any of these things, and is sending me to therapy about my fathers passing, but i want to also have it as an outlet to treat or lessen my abusive behavior. i want to get better . i need to get better. it destroys me everyday knowing all i ever do is abuse the ones i love. i truly do not want to atall. it tears me apart. living with this mental illness is ripping me apart.

also another thing that i just wanna add— I AM NOT HOPPING ON THE BPD BANDWAGON. i understand that its considered a “trendy” mental illness but i would like to clarify i am no where near that. infact- i have been researching and questioning about bpd for YEARS. wayyy before it became a “trend” to have it. if i could choose a reality where i was normal- i would. this illness is destroying my relationships and my mental wellbeing. anyone who self diagnoses from tiktok who has not done proper research is fucking stupid. why would you want to live with an illness that does irreparable damage to you and all of your relationships? who would want to constantly unwillingly abuse their parter, friends, siblings… etc. who would want to deal with hallucinations? who in their right mind would want to unwillingly get so physically and mentally attached to someone that if you dont speak to them for more than a few days you start to genuinely lose your mind and question if they still really want to be with you? who would want any of this? i dont think they understand how horrible this illness is to live with and it pisses me off.

anyways yeah. downloaded tumblr for this because i wanted to get shit off my chest . i hope i can also use this account in the future to listen to my silly alex g as i type about my issues. its 1:57 am — goodnight all.

[burning-sol]

People in the replies are being SO fucking annoying and it's really hurting me as a victim of gaslighting myself, so I feel the need to comment. NOTE: this analysis may not end up being accurate to the situation, but I feel it's important to say because nobody here seems to understand what being gaslit is like.

I notice that a lot of people are commenting on OP's "attitude" when I don't actually see an issue with the attitude, OP just seems to the point and blunt about things, which I see as being the opposite of an issue. If someone says something about you that is wrong, why would YOU be in the wrong for stating what the truth is? I have some memory issues myself and have never felt offended or needed to be coddled just because my friend told me I misremembered something about them. Nor do I double down and get mad if they appear to have changed their mind on something. You say OP is insufferable as if OP isn't the one who is being compromised here by having to defend parts of their fucking identity.

Maybe you feel OP has an attitude because the examples that were brought up are "childish" or "inconsequential" when that's textbook gaslighting at its best. Gaslighting isn't just about big things, it's about smaller things that make you appear like you're overreacting or being unreasonable to outsiders. "You're upset because they say you like PreCure? It's not a big deal!" The goal of gaslighting is not just to undermine the victim interpersonally, but to coerce outsiders into undermining by making their situation seem ludicrous. In my case, I started shutting down and stopped reaching out for help once everyone around me made it clear they didn't understand or thought it was silly.

Continuing from that point, I want you to notice that both of these examples have something in common I've already pointed out. ALL the examples target a part of OP's identity. "You like blueberries." "You don't like dogs, so you don't like anything dog related." "You like PreCure." These aren't just disputes about random things, it's constant attacks on someone's cohesive sense of identity. The amount of damage that this does carried out over a span of time is difficult to articulate. You feel frustrated and helpless, unable to push back against something that should be objectively true.

Also note that the gaslighter is being VERY specific about the dates, which is incredibly odd behaviour to me. In OP's case, they brought up tangible, objective evidence (a recorded discussion) of what was true about the situation, and then the other got mad that they were proven wrong by something that is OBJECTIVELY correct about something they SHOULD have known. Meanwhile, the other doesn't show proof while apparently being able to state exact details about events. If these statements aren't true, THAT'S OBJECTIVELY GASLIGHTING... And if they are, it's still emotionally abusive to commit to this behaviour, to I assume "prove a point" because someone pointed about something YOU SHOULD REMEMBER, AND WAS TRUE... THAT'S NOT NORMAL.

Next, some of you probably don't go looking into the replies for these posts.. So I want to point out this tidbit from OP. This next section is gonna cover some different points that are red flags for me. NOTE: it's possible it's just a coincidence but I need to point it out because IT'S IMPORTANT!!

"I just noticed she turned like that when I started therapy."

Now some of you may not know this, but often when victims reach out for outside help, this is when abusive people start showing off their most controlling behaviours. Outside people have the capacity to give comments on the situation that aren't being manipulated by them, they don't have emotional attachments to the person like the victim does, which threatens to bring to light what has really been transpiring between them. So you can see why I find this correlation to be concerning.

And note, that once victims are able to engage in healthier relationships or seek said therapy, it becomes easier for them to notice themselves if they're in a manipulative relationship, even if nobody points it out to them. Especially if the form of abuse is similar to anything they've experienced and had the time to process.

And third in this subsection, victims are likely to be victimised more than once and can be victimised by several people at once. Toxic people may appear to be more friendly and reliable than others if you have someone who is much worse in your life by comparison. I have no idea the background of the friendship, but again I'm just noting things that are important.

7. Lastly, toxic relationships can be confusing to experience. People who hurt others may, in fact, be experiencing a reality where this behaviour makes sense and they DO feel like they're being "gaslit" by their victims. They can have an internal reality where the events make sense and they're the real victims.. And that still doesn't make it okay. I don't know what the deal with OP's friend was, but I'm glad that they're out of their life. It was clearly a bad friendship to be in that was damaging, and you don't have to stick around with someone even if their toxic behaviour is understandable. Maybe they're not AN asshole, but they are THE asshole here.

CONCLUSION: As a victim myself it honestly nearly brought me to tears reading some of these messages. I know it's not anybody's fault for not being able to recognise this sort of thing, but it was disappointing to read others calling someone an asshole because someone couldn't phrase their wording in a palatable way or brought up examples that seem absurd. I wouldn't want any of you to be my friend.

If you still don't understand me or think that I'm being overreactive, that's fine. I hope you don't understand what it's like. Ever.

Am I the asshole for using old conversations to confront someone?

My friend, for an odd reason, has decided to start standing her ground and giving extreme detailed explanations of events that have happened years ago. It started to bother me, because I've been with someone who would mentally abuse me and deny things happening and I was starting to see those red flags with my friend. So, she tried saying I somehow was an avid watcher of this precure meta youtuber, (I'm sorry, I think it's stupid being meta or whatever you want to call it for animes, I couldn't give two shits about it) I asked when did this happen. She started saying it was years ago and I'm confused cause I actually hate precure and think it's stupid sorry not sorry to the fans. She was relentless and tried saying I was a fan of her, which isn't true, I've only saw 3 eps of one season and hated it and never gave it another chance and now even less. So, earlier this year I told her I was playing nintendogs, a copy I got off ebay, despite us still having our copy from when the game was released. (I'm sorry everyone, we're 25+, not a bunch of middle schoolers). She got mad at me and said why am I playing the game despite being a cat person. I told her the game is fun to play and helps distress me. So I asked her how was her play through going since I only bought one off ebay after she told me she got one from ebay. She denied it, she said that never happened that I'm mistaking it. So I pulled up screenshots from discord that were from 2021 and she got angry with me. So apparently I've been trying to gas light her and use things against her, and I'm very confused since it feels like she's trying to manipulate me with events that have happened. Either way, I haven't spoken to her as much, but I think her getting mad I pulled up discord receipts is stupid when she tried claiming I was a fan of a youtuber for an anime I hate and trying to shove it down my throat.

What are these acronyms?

[moonianbbyg]

Profection years in astrology

Hello guys! I’ve noticed that usually astrologers don’t pay attention a lot on profection years in astrology and I thought I’d introduce this topic myself and share my observations and explanations on this.

So in astrology, every year of our life has a certain theme to it based on your age and based on what house your age “falls in” with that being said - here’s a chart of what age falls into each astrological house.

What can this indicate? Understanding the profection year you’re in can help you predict what type of year you’ll have ahead for you and some themes you can expect to happen. This can be similar to a Solar Return chart, but this is an easier version of it especially for beginners who aren’t advanced in reading their charts.

What you can expect from each profection year:

*based on my experience and observations*

PF 1

The year where your life completely changes around, for the better or for the worse.

Being mistreated a lot for no reason

Traumatic experiences.

Karma

Cutting ties, removing yourself from the social world, new beginnings

Lust for love, intimacy and sexual relations.

Low self-esteem

Fall outs with your closest ones because either you reveal your true colors or they do

Not feeling enough because of the traumatic experiences and karma

Setting bigger boundaries, standards becoming higher, trust issues, moodiness

Making unforgettable memories (mostly good ones)

Revealing some sort of truth (mostly related to family and friends)

Appreciating yourself more and maturing, accepting changes, letting your intuition guide you

PF 2

Brand new daily routine

Life becoming more exciting

Being unable to resist risky situations, seeking for drama and action/fun

Random money incomes.

Communication skills becoming amazing or better

Learning new lessons.

Meeting your soulmate or a long term partner and breaking ties with someone you thought was ‘the one’

Focusing a lot on your looks and reputation.

Guaranteed happier life situation!

Overspending money but being more humanitarian with it as well

Realizing your self worth, learning about other people and their cultures/being interested into the opposites of yourself

Setting many new goals and becoming more hardworking

Big personality transformation

Glow up

Becoming either closer to your family or distant

Accepting things for what they are and losing the ability to feel disappointed.

PF 3

Even though Saturn doesn’t ruler over the third house he’ll make an entrance into your life, will mostly protect you but throw lessons at you!

Letting go of certain people you couldn’t seem to let go of

Confidence will rise up

Making many new friends

Switching schools or job

Having a lot of fun wether it be online or in real life

Receiving random presents or surprises

People start complimenting you a lot more than usual

You get more recognition (especially if you’re the quiet type of person or if you’re shy)

Romantic life is activated throughout half of this year then completely turned off the other half

Working on your goals, manifestations happening instantly, achieving your desires easily.

Isolation, anxiety or temporary depression (shouldn’t last for long)

This time you will be able to accept the fact that most of the events that have happened to you were lessons only

PF 4

Focusing on yourself and your loved ones

Building stronger bonds (especially with family members, mostly mother or your mother figure)

Finding a lot more inspiration and motivation, especially in the new people you’ll meet

Constant love offers (but you may not be ready for them or they won’t last).

Letting go of past trauma and pain

Developing attachment issues or worsening them

Experiencing new things, mostly the ones you’ve always wanted to!

Having the need to change up your looks around a lot

Making your life way more private, keeping a small circle of connections and friends

PF 5

Amazing new opportunities

Reconciling with exes or past friends

Joy is the main emotion you’ll feel.

Being way more proud in yourself

Developing trust issues or worsening them

Becoming a better person in every aspect, taking care of others or even putting other’s need and feelings before your own

Recognition from strangers, crushes, family and friends

Experiencing the biggest healing or the biggest trauma

Feeling more comfortable in who you are, in your sexuality, with people (especially the ones you don’t trust as much)

Healing your inner child

Meeting an important person that’ll either be a lesson for you or someone that will help you guide yourself in the future

Understanding what life ‘really is’

Letting go of immaturity

Could get pregnant during this perfection year

PF 6

Popularity will rise

Life becomes way more organized than it was before

Adoration

Seeing good results in the things you never thought you’d see good results in!

Many new romantic and platonic experiences

Happiness rises

Could pull yourself into loneliness because of negative comments being made about you.

Less or more financial income.

Feeling overworked

Starting to go to the gym

PF 7

It’s all about money and luck 🍀

Upgrading from past experiences and people

Freedom

Losing someone important (not referring to their death)

Could possibly make the same mistakes you’ve did before but this time you actually learn your lesson.

Moving away or planning to.

Whole new life beginning, everything will change for the better (depending on the decisions you make and your destiny)

Becoming less caring and emotional, getting in touch with your inner self/shadow self

Intuition becomes way more improved

You could get married during this perfection year or win a court case

PF 8

Trauma

Losing something or somebody important to you.

Break ups

The last time you’re doing something you love to do

One of the best yet worst years in your entire life.

Being forced onto something, having others control your life and emotions

Having to cope on your own

Becoming stronger

Life changing experiences

Shyness, suffering

Building hatred for yourself, something or someone

PF 9

Moving away

Starting something big and new.

Seeking financial support

Feeling unaccepted for who you are

Becoming very ambitious

Learning a new language

Health problems

Awkwardness, having to spend time with people you aren’t used to or don’t want to be around

PF 10

Becoming the main character in everything!

Love life is fully activated

Manipulation

Meeting one of your soulmates (mostly a platonic one)

Frequently feeling stressed

Protection

Finding “the key” and solutions to many situations

Having to hide something or someone, running away from something that’s bothering you

Not facing the majority of your problems

Attractiveness

Having a hard time escaping your comfort zone and trying to find something that makes you feel safe especially when you’re all alone, by yourself.

PF 11

Finding your way to success

Hook ups

Teaching people life lessons, good karma is on your side

Shyness

Meeting a past life partner or karmic lover.

Messing things up unintentionally

Being selfless and possibly starting to depend on others or somebody specific

Coming off as superficial to some, nice and inspirational to others

Developing new interests

PF 12

Past life lessons

Darkness, depression, isolation

Fame, popularity, gaslighting

Many new changes (especially in your love life)

Toxicity

Gratefulness

Making many mistakes and/or wrong choices

Becoming less talkative and social, keeping your life private as possible.

Goal achievements

Anxiety and stress

Daydreaming, ambitions

- moon princess

[baronessblack1988]

Mental Issues I’ve noticed:

- Fear of being alone

- Fear of losing loved ones

- Fear of rejection

- Constantly guilting myself for doing anything nice for myself

- Constant people pleasing, more so for loved ones now and not for random people

- Gets attached too quickly

- Overthinks relationships

- Fear of getting yelled at

- Fear of sudden loud noises

- Fear of men

- Feeling like I HAVE to be physically intimidating in order to protect myself

- Fear of showing emotions like kindness and love accept to people I know and love

- Stress over money

- Stress over sickness

- Stress over caring for loved ones

- Perpetual feeling of loneliness and isolation

- Must take on everything

- Constantly seeking validation from loved ones

- Constantly looking out for people who may try to hurt me or loved ones

- Hypersexual

- Guilt when feeling attraction to someone

- Resistance to change, especially if it’s sudden

- Constant planning of everything

- Must control my environment

- Perfectionism

- Fear of success

- Difficulty concentrating, sometimes gaps in memory or spacing out

- Don’t like asking for help with ANYTHING

- Would rather hurt myself than someone else

- Low self esteem

- Don’t feel pleasure in things I should enjoy

- Constant intrusive thoughts

- Periodic episodes of depression and anxiety

- Hyper fixation on emotional situations

- Sabotaging my own relationships

- Frequently irritated and angry

- Suicidal ideation

- Indifferent to physical pain

- Impulsive spending

Physical Issues I’ve noticed:

- Frequent chest pain

- Frequent shortness of breath

- Frequent light headedness

- Frequent fatigue

- High anxiety constantly

- Unable to sleep

- Panic attacks

- Headaches

Possible traumas:

- Parents divorce

- Constant yelling growing up

- Frequent feelings of loneliness between the ages of 6 to 14

- Isolation between the ages of 6 to 10

- Little to no friends between 6 and 14

- Sexually assaulted by family member at the age of 5

- Father disowning me at 11

- 8 suicidal attempts over the course of 5 years

Possible issues:

- PTSD

- Depression

- Anxiety

- Separation Anxiety

- Rejection Sensitivity Dsyphoria

[queenofallwitches]

an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.

[13thhero]

i was tagged by @risingthrutherainierfog Thank you!

who was your first favourite artist?  Mohamed Mounir (he is one of the most famous and loved Egyptian singers!)

who are your current favourite artists? Picking favorites is something I have been struggling with in most aspects of life. I find myself interested in several things but unable to pick what means the most to me out of them. I currently have my songs divided in 19 music folders, 14 of them are of artists and the remaining contain random stuff of certain kinds (Arabic, English, Japanese, etc) by artists that I don't have enough songs by yet to give them their own folder or just interested in a single/few songs by them rather than the artist themselves. I'm also currently going through a weird phase so I hope it's okay that I did not really answer this question! (Mounir is still my favorite Egyptian singer. That's what I know for sure!)

are you into musicals?  Nope.

are there songs you consider so special you only listen to them very rarely?  No, but I'm dealing with an issue that is kinda similar to this. When I get attached to an artist I avoid listening to him (this only happens with guys) most of the time.

what’s your preferred way of listening to music? (time of day, medium, situation)  When I'm drawing (haven't drawn in months though) or playing on my favorite sites. I like to listen to Arabic songs when I'm saving pictures of the western artists I like as it sort of feels like I'm sharing music I love with them (it makes me feel a little less lonely). I love listening to my music on my phone's music player. I find late night when my family are asleep (past 1 am) the best time to listen especially since I don't sit on my laptop or draw in my room (I mostly only spend time in my room when I'm asleep). Sunrise is even better but I wish I would wake up early rather than go to bed when it's morning!

what would you say is the most niche music you listen to?  I'm not sure what 'niche' means and google did not answer my question. ^^;

what’s your favourite music related movie/tv show that’s not a musical? Don't think I have any. ^^;

albums or playlists? Playlists.

favourite albums? I don't really have favorite albums. I listen to songs from all albums individually (I do have an obsession with having my songs tagged with album name/artist/year/etc and I'm especially obsessed with album covers and the order of songs in albums). For rock/metal artists I always download full albums even if I so far only like/is familiar with one song from the album since I know there's a probability I'll like more in the future. The full albums are on my laptop while my phone has only the songs I like. So far there's still not many albums that I have the entirety of on my phone.

is there an artist you’re trying to get into?  Yeah, a lot actually! There are lots of bands that I'd like to be more familiar with. I use Spotify to find new music or become more familiar with bands I already listen to. I don't do this all the time though because it requires being in a certain mood and sometimes listening to the stuff you already know feels more comfortable.

whose music do you find overhyped? I can't speak about western music, but I almost never find myself into the new Egyptian stuff that people around my age listen to. They sound like songs you'd listen to on repeat for 2 weeks and then completely forget that they ever existed. I bet that's what these people do.

what’s an underrated song? Can't speak about this either. There are songs I like that I never hear people talk about but I might just be isolating myself too much. xD

what’s a thing a bunch of songs do that you love every time? This is about Egyptian songs (that aren't rock). I love when they have an electric guitar or a bass I can hear. I also love when the drums stand out. I love when they have elements that remind me of rock songs. c: I also have a soft spot for having several violins playing the same melody (I'm not very familiar with music and art terms in English).

what song is better acoustic? I think there's one in my head but right now I can't remember what it was... (my memory is weird and it's almost 3 am at the moment...)

what’s the worst song of all time?  'Best' and 'worst' are very big words for me. There are many songs I can't stand but I don't think I will ever consider something as the 'worst' (or the 'best' either).

do you put individual songs on repeat? if so, for how long and how often? I do! Until I tell myself "that's enough!" or think of other songs I'd like to listen to. A lot of times when I start listening to a new one I find myself still unable to stop thinking of the song I had on repeat so I go back to it. I believe I'd listen to songs on repeat in the past way more than I do now.

do you make your own playlists? I'm not sure if this counts, but I have two playlists on my phone's music player. One that has all my western (in English) songs together and one that has all the Arabic songs. I'm very organised and have folders but these playlists help when I want to listen to all western or Arabic artists that I have without having to deal with the long list of all my music and skip through many songs.

headphones or earbuds?  Earbuds. I do love headphones but they feel uncomfortable and make my ears hurt when I listen for longer periods. :c (my ears are very small which might be why)

do you always sing the lead vocal or do you harmonize sometimes?  I never sing along when listening to music and rarely sing at all. I wish that wasn't the case but this is something related to my mental health issues.

a musical confession: Well, this might sound depressing but it's something that has been making me feel down. My ability to enjoy music is not the same as it used to be in the past. I'd say I'm not too far from losing it completely. I don't listen to music that much anymore. When I listen for the first time after several weeks of not listening the experience feels charming. The next day it feels less charming. The third day it's even less charming and I find myself skipping songs more and more. The fourth day I have almost lost my ability to enjoy listening and start getting annoyed with songs. I know this problem is with me and not the songs. I also don't have the ability to relate to songs even though I desperately need something to relate to. I need to have something in this world that feels like it's by my side. This is most likely caused by my deteriorating mental health but I still find it very shameful. I mean, what kind of person is one who dreams of being a musician yet does not have the ability to actually enjoy music anymore??

tagging: I don't really communicate with anyone on here/have many mutuals (wish I would stop isolating myself) so I'm not sure who to tag!

[lemonadeflashbang]

Katana Zero Thoughts/Review

Almost two weeks ago I had the pleasure of playing through Katana Zero while conked out on my second shot. I waited before writing this post to fully digest what I actually thought of the game. It’s definitely a stylish game, and fits in quite well with other games published by Devolver, but I think it was likely held back a bit by its’ own ambition. For those who don’t know, Katana Zero is an action game where you play as a time controlling samurai who has to kill every enemy in an area before proceeding to the next room. Enemies die in one hit, but so do. The gameplay is twitchy and the concept is kind of anime as fuck, and when it works it works. There’s also a cool cyberpunk story, and for an indie it’s actually pretty well written. There’s a narrative system that allows you to pursue different dialogue paths, but you can also “get to the point” by spam pressing all the initial ��rude” prompts. You can also choose to wait out a timer and reply with silence. Generally speaking though, even though I liked the story I felt like its’ focus was ultimately a detriment to the final game. The whole game is only a few hours long, and you probably spend at least half of that time navigating through dialogue. Tons of resources went into the writing and the cutscenes, many of which are lovingly animated, that I think might have been better served by being poured into the core gameplay loop. There’s a bit of a myth in gaming that games are the sum of their parts. For example, if you clone a game but improve the story, the game is objectively better. I believe that to be false. Take a Mario game, for example. Taking the quick “princess is kidnapped” story and replacing it with something epic- maybe from a JRPG or from something more western like Horizon Zero Dawn, wouldn’t result in a better game. And the reason is simple- the core gameplay of a Mario game is about the platforming. That’s the most fun part of the game. Even if you improve the story, so long as that story takes up more time you’ll find that your players will be having less fun on average simply because the story isn’t as good as the platforming segment, and now you’ve blown it out and made it more important. There’s a reason why these Nintendo games have such basic stories. Nintendo has no problems writing funny Mario RPG’s as any fan of Mario & Luigi or Paper Mario will tell you. They’re choosing not to so they can focus their energy on the most fun part of the game. Narrative and RPG games have a lot more room to play with long story segments, because story is part of the core value proposition for these genres. But that’s not true of all game types. So let’s loop back to Katana Zero. There are now half of your game sections that are about the narrative... but the narrative is short, raises more questions than answers, incomplete, and doesn’t give you time to get attached to most of the characters. And let me be clear- this isn’t because I think the devs did a bad job. But indie games are stretched thin, so creating content, especially cutscene and effects heavy narrative content that can’t be reused, is super time consuming. And at some point you just have to ask- are we going to be able to tell a story that’s as gripping and exciting as our gameplay? Does the story enhance the gameplay, like in a narrative or RPG game? Is the enhancement worth the time? I’d argue that it isn’t. Not that there isn’t a good story there, but that the story is way too big to fit comfortably in an indie package and get really attached to. Not without a genre shift, resource injection, or cutscene de-escelation. There’s a reason most RPG cutscenes look so donkus, even today. So in the end, you have a game where you spend half your playtime as a kickass time bending samurai, and the other half navigating dialogue trees that don’t result in alternate endings or secret levels or anything all that gameplay related, but tell the prologue to a story that may never have an ending. There’s a mismatch between your most fun thing, and the rest of the game, and the gap is big. Not because the story sucks, because the core gameplay is fun. Let’s talk more about the core gameplay though. Story isn’t the only place where I feel that ambition may have caused some problems. There’s a point in the game where you can play a single stage as a second character. Just the one. Why implement a character just for one stage? Why not bring them into more of the game? As an unlockable character choice to increase replayability, perhaps? There could be some level design constraints around that, but I don’t think it’d have been an issue with the alternate character that existed as it was. Finally, I feel like the level design starts to break down in the last third of the game or so.As you approach the last act, you lose freedom to express yourself in your approach and become more constrained by enemy reaction times and numbers. This isn’t necessarily a huge issue, but it also starts to force you to rub against the bits of randomness in the game. You might kick open a door only to get immediately shotgunned by the police officer across the hall, unable to deflect the bullets because the spread is random and two of them are too far apart to hit in one swing but close enough together to kill you during your attack’s cooldown. Maybe it’s not one shotgun blast but three or four pistol rounds, shot by enemies without friendly fire. Maybe they’re guarding a laser cannon with that will blast you unless you descend precisely from above. Maybe you retry a prior tactic, but it doesn’t work because when a level resets it doesn’t move enemies to a fixed position- and their different placements results in different AI behavior even when executing the exact same moves. Whatever the case, the game becomes significantly more punishing and less predictable. You may have to idle and wait for enemies to move into a good position again before retrying a tactic simply because it just won’t work in the current spawn position, which slows down the pacing of an otherwise fast game. Most importantly, the games difficulty increase has nothing to do with mechanics being harder- it’s just repeating the prior challenges but generally less forgiving. Increased mastery is good to aim for, however there’s a couple things you want to avoid. The first is shrinking the play space too much. If your increased mastery comes at the price of player freedom and flexibility, what will happen is levels devolve into rote memorization and the game loses replayability. It also starts to feel like farming, or a chore, even if it’s the first time you’re playing it. The second is you want to make sure that you maintain predictability- which is lost with the shotgun shell randomness and the variation in enemy starting placements. The game ends up feeling stale towards the end of its runtime, which is odd given how short it is. I think an extra mechanic or two to play with for the core gameplay could have taken it farther and let it keep its’ shine. The game was good, and is definitely a fun ride for an afternoon or so, but I can’t see myself wanting to go back to it- even with a DLC update. Generally speaking, I recommend it- but maybe on sale.

[pessimistcameleon]

To all the people that I knew.

I don't know where to start exactly, so I'll write instead an image that I got in my head today: I am literally torn to shreds. My muscle tissues are shreddy, there are missing parts that are covered by confettis and coriandolis, and as I walk they fall to the ground, I lean closer I see them laying on the cobble stones, just like on Carnival in my childhood.

Maybe I am exaggerating, but even if I am a ghost now (maybe I was always that), I feel an extreme aching in my physical body. Recently I started to hug myself and I feel my ribcage under my fingers and I kind of love them, but I am terrified at the same time, is an unknown sensation to me. I don't trust my own touch, and human touch just feels alien, if someone touches me I am alarmed and helpless, I don't know how to vocalize my fear of being touched. I allow only the hot showers to hug me instead, even if afterwards my skin turns red and itchy, because my skin "is so delicate".

A few days ago I looked into the mirror and what I saw was a stranger, a young woman that was unrecognizable who claimed to be me. I hated her. She cried and was pathetic, just like me. I wasn't able to empathize with her, because she was hiding away with her body the features that I've always known, I wasn't able to see the child. I became alarmed about my own inner child, did it even exist? Did I imagined it?

Since a while as I wake up everyday the only thing that befriends me and decides to stick with me as the day goes is anxiety. If I am lucky sometimes it goes to sleep and I become numb to my surroundings. I can assure you that it's not only the increased coffee quantity that I am consuming because of being constantly exhausted both physically and mentally. Things like going back to the shelter where I live now or just activities that include social interaction (which are essential otherwise I wouldn't be able to go forward with my day aka my survival) just trigger me, I detach from reality and I go to swim into dreadness.

Speaking about dreadness, I searched after grounding techniques but when any intense emotion or any form of dissociation kicks in I remind myself about staying grounded, but instead I'd let myself float away, because I am a masochist after all.

To be honest I am in a loop. I find myself constantly thinking about the past, because I am reminded about it by my surroundings but also because the past feels more secure and tangingle than my hollow present and non-existent future. I acknowledge the fact that the past has also painful traces in it, I already struggled during those times with mental health issues (I was especially minimizing my own concerns, as a result of my emotional responses I was considered over-dramatic), but I still had a sense of purpose, I was interested in many things and I was very hopeful about the person that I want to become. But the memories and any element connected to each one of them act as a stabbing knife, as a result I grieve myself even more. The events of my life seem like they belong to another person and not me.

Nowadays I dissociated myself from the person I was: I have no dreams and aspirations anymore, I isolated myself from everyone because is too much for both of me and the other person, and the situation I am in alienates me from every individual who has a stable background, has goals and human connections. I am unable to define myself on an individual level, I've come to the conclusion that I always identified myself with my own emotions and based my own self-knowledge on external information claiming that I am highly self-aware, which considered from my present perspective is funny, because beside the things that I've mentioned above seems like I have 0 personality traits, like I am the embodiment of a fluid presence with no defined characteristics.

I faded into nothingness and I am still pretending, in the presence of those who help me, to have the will to achieve my future goals (which as I said, now they don't exist, they just disintegrated) since "I am young and I can't waste my potential".

If I achieve something that is relevant to my survival all I feel is emptiness and suspicion. Very often I feel threatened by every act of kindness resulting into a hidden and more complex form of sabotage.

Not to mention my random attachment that I develop towards certain individuals that feel like an anchor right at the moment, and ironically I still find myself searching for clues that they'll give up on me soon. My so said strategy is to avoid attachment and antagonizing them in my mind.

I know that the reaction after this reading must be: pls, go and seek a therapist. I asssure you, I am already doing that.

I guess I am alive, but I am not present. So take this as an explanation for my recent absence and behavior maybe.

I don't know what was my goal with this post, but to the people who will see this: a part of me still misses you, but I am afraid that is already late for me to be human again.

[ihavenoconsistentname]

Alright semi-important rant time to give you an overview of what it's about:

-Potential TW/CW for talking about manipulation via victim complex and guilt tripping

-It's about the Crater System so if you know them guess what you need to read this

-Also mentions/talks about victim blaming

-There are mentions of telling people to off themselves/wishing death upon them and spoiler alert those two people are both 14

So be aware of that and just for scrolling's sake I'll put it under a cut

Also, this is not a "callout post" by any fucking means, it's literally just making sure people are aware that this shit happened mainly if those people are associated in any way with the Crater System.

So first of all if you feel the need to see any screenshots as "proof" for any of this by all means feel free to message me for them.

For like at least like around a year the Crater System basically used me as their personal therapist for shit about their dad often just saying random things about it and full on venting without asking if I was in the right headspace to hear it or even asking anything, and even if they did ask I would have the inability to say no, and here's why:

-I am hyper empathetic, and that has prevented me from saying "no" or saying "stop venting to me".

-They constantly said self deprecating and guilt trippy things like "I deserve the bad things happening" or "I'm such a bad person" basically just to get me to pity them and try to convince them otherwise, which severely burned out my empathy constantly.

And guess what? They reacted angrily when I was rightfully upset and TOLD THEM I could never say no because of my empathy when it should have been common sense not to vent and trauma dump TO A CHILD.

I am 14. Everyone in their system with a couple exceptions is an adult. Their system's body is 22, that is 8 fucking years older than me. I'm a child, they're whole ass adults.

They would randomly say stuff about their dad or situation as if I could do something and I never knew how to respond because it was out of nowhere. There were times when they'd throw vent paragraphs at me out of nowhere.

They often complained about wanting a 50/50 friendship but when I've accepted their vent offers, which mind you only happened like once or twice maybe 3 times, very rarely- I got responses nowhere near the level of help I tried to offer them.

One good example? When Cub let Wels vent. Kni vented about the severe attachment/detachment issues kni experiences, and Cub replied saying, and I'm quoting:

"Just try to remind yourself that this is your hormones and unstable teenage mind working against you."

If you were to look up the symptoms of BPD, and I am in no way saying any of us have it, that list of symptoms would literally give you a general idea of everything kni's been going through. All of it.

And mind you, this is a DID system failing to separate alters from their host and from the body because Wels as an individual alter is in knight's 30's and not 14 like I am and like the body is. And even if the brain being that of a 14 year old influences alters? That shit was disregarded as a teenage problem. You know why? Because "we were your age when it happened to us so that's why we think it's a teenage thing", again, quoting that word for word, and once again, failure to separate alters from the body and host. Because "your age" would be saying "we were in our 30's". Wels is not 14. I am. Wels was the one speaking. Not me.

They have such a massive victim complex and that really shows when you see how fucking often they would not shut up about what happened with someone else my age. Aka someone they also manipulated. If you were here when that was going on on my blog you'll know what I'm talking about.

I will tell you right fucking now I do not claim to have not been in the wrong just because I was manipulated into taking their side. I was not correct in doing or saying what I did and said. I reacted so fucking awfully literally victim blaming because of blind trust and I completely blame myself for that. I am not excusing any of that just because they manipulated me.

Over and over they kept bringing up that shit being guilt trippy about how "they ruined a friendship" and saying they deserved whatever bad was happening and I was so tired of hearing about it because at one point I literally regretted every single moment I was defending them because I was starting to realize I was so wrong for that.

And guess what, they would literally wish for that person, another 14 year old they literally manipulated and hurt, to be dead.

One of their alters threw a temper tantrum and told me twice to kill myself telling me once that I didn't deserve to live, that same alter saying, and I'm quoting:

"That fucker that deserves to fucking die-[name, im keeping the name out just because]- can burn in hell for all I care. He used us."

^With worse grammar/spelling that I fixed.

So that's an alter throwing a tantrum telling one 14 year old to kill himself and saying another the same age deserves to die for being a victim. There's a prime fucking example of their massive victim complex. And, how fucking ironic! They say a victim of their manipulation used them while literally using someone the same age as the other victim.

Constantly they brought it up and would either talk about how sooo fucking horrible (/s) that person was or talk about how horrible they were, and to the first I gave half asses replies acting like I agreed just to get them to shut the fuck up about it. Whole ass adults not owning up to things properly and instead being guilt trippy for the pity of another minor they got to defend them wrongfully and making themselves out to be the victim.

So even if I was technically manipulated into being on their side? I still don't take it as an excuse for myself. It isn't one.

To recap:

-They manipulated a 14 year old and played victim constantly about it

-They manipulated another 14 year old using their massive victim complex saying guilt trippy things for pity then got upset when that 14 year old who shouldn't have been used as a therapist for an adult (or adults, plural, if you want to say it that way) expressed that they were tired of it

-They had an alter disregard very serious issues someone was having as "hormones and an unstable teenage mind"

-In doing so they also failed to treat/acknowledge an adult alter as separate from the body who is a minor and the host who is a minor despite literally being a system

-They had an alter tell a 14 year old to kill themself/that they should be dead while also saying another 14 year old deserves to die for being the one they manipulated (once again playing victim)

-They repeatedly vented completely out of pocket/without asking only asking a few times but being so guilt trippy with their words that the person they forced their problems into was unable to say no to them

-And they also failed to respect the boundaries of people they hurt/affected negatively. I didn't go over this but they would not fucking let things go and insisted on trying to "apologize" to people who were trying to let it go basically refusing to leave them alone even after being told several times not to insist on doing it

If you're associated with the Crater System and you follow me, and you're going to continue to associate with them at complete will or downright ignore any of this? Leave.

I highly suggest you don't associate with them. Especially if you're a minor. I don't know who all here might know them but they're not good people and I found that out the hard way. You're literally just going to get yourself used and manipulated.

P.S. If you do talk to them and you ever get a word out of their mouths about me? Tell me.

[mister-maiden]

Pikmin 3 Is a Wonderful Gem

Pikmin 3 was one of my most anticipated games for the Nintendo Switch. I didn't have the good fortune of owning a WiiU, so I never got to experience the third game for myself. After spending 60 dollars on the title, fixing myself up for a long weekend, to my surprise I beat the game in two days...but was I disappointed?

Absolutely not. 

Gameplay: Pikmin 3 forces you to take control of three captains who had crash landed on the planet of PNF-404, a planet encompassed with dangerous fauna, familiar faces, and delicious fruit. Using the captains to form smaller groups of Pikmin, you can effectively multitask across each of the diverse maps available. 

Several puzzles force you to use this feature by giving you the ability to flung captains alongside Pikmin, effectively allowing you to reach new areas both high and far. This ability is best used with small groups performing tasks across the map. Having one captain destroy a gate while another keeps charge of pikmin harvesting berries. Meanwhile you can have your final pikmin harvesting the corpses of enemies to make even more pikmin! 

In this regard, you can play in anyway you want. If you want to keep your pikmin together to keep an army of 100 so you may overpower all in your path, you are certainly free to do so..you may just be hurting a bit on time in comparison to if you divided and conquered. To add onto this, there is a familiar special ability which allows you to split your army apart into the specific elements at your disposal so you can clearly choose the best group for the job.

The objective of the game as you quickly find out is to gather as much fruit as you can to bring back to your home planet of which is having a rather serious issue: starvation. So you'll be looking in every nook and cranny for each piece of fruit you can find to juice and bring back home. 

The fruit are finite, and each gives you a specific amount of juice for fruit. Some fruits have enough juice to give you two days worth of sustenance while others barely give half. It is certainly a welcome change from the first game's finite time limit. It allows players to be rewarded for how well they are performing instead of giving them a deadline. This is a huge gripe many had with the previous installments as well as other games with a similar time limit (Dead Rising comes to mind)

Alongside the fruits, powerups lay hidden amongst the maps which give you certain abilities. I won't dive into this as not to spoil it for any of you new players, but all I'll say is it is worth it to check every corner. To retrieve these treasures, you will have to use a specific amount of pikmin for each item. You can use a bit more than the maximum per treasure to make the journey back to the ship far more quicker. During this time, I recommend traveling with your pikmin so none shall perish to the random hazards of elements and enemies that may have slugged in the way of the path. 

With a lot of multi tasking and pathing involved in this new installment, it seems the developers worked more with the pause menu. A map allows you to see the areas you have explored and seen, marking a small green blip for each creature you spot. This was done intentionally so the player would be unaware of what lay in a path and to determine their best plan of action. To walk through the shorter parh with several blips and pray they are not too dangerous, or go around. A new feature with the mapping system also works alongside how you will be controlling three captains. You can now go to your map, scroll to an area, and press where you would like your captain to walk to. This will trigger whatever captain and pikmin group you have selected to automatically path to the point you selected. This allows for large scale multitasking in which you can have two captains traveling to destinations while your third deals with an entirely different task. A very welcome development for people such as I who want to use their time as wisely as possible.

Combat is roughly the same as the previous installments: overwhelm by sheer number while also avoiding the attacks that have a potential to wipe your armies. Picking the right pikmin for each battle is crucial...but to be honest I felt like this game gave me a bit too much leniency for making mistakes. For instance, there wasn't too much punishment for throwing an incorrect pikmin at an opposite element. You can just whistle them before they perish and all will be okay. Maybe it's my new game wisdom I have earned from thousands of hours of gaming, but I don't remember pikmin 1 being so easy.

Pikmin 3 also brings back the system in which you can slay your enemies...and use their bodies as mulch to grow your garden empire upon.

Your empire is stored in a pikmin bulb! In previous games you would have several bulbs, each being a different color representing the different pikmin types. In this game, there is only one bulb which is chromatic and swirls with different colors. Although I miss the triple pikmin bulb threat and getting violent/white pikmin from the ship, this is a welcome change since it allows the player to quickly populate a group instead of wasting time going to each bulb. 

You can carry the corpses of creatures you kill with your pikmin to their bulb to create even more pikmin! It's always been my favorite part of the pikmin games because it rewards you for playing intelligently and conservatively. 

An interesting development from Pikmin 1 and 2 to this new game is the replacement of the C stick directing agility of the pikmin to a new ability which allows you to send your pikmin forward all at once with a ravenous screech of war. It's great to quickly swarm an enemy, or to feverishly collect fruits and other valuables by surrounding them. While I shall miss the previous agility to accurately create a tendril like construct with my pikmin, I absolutely love the new battle rush!

Each pikmin, as the previous games, have their own situations they are best in. Reds are best at fighting situations, when things get heated up. Yellows for digging and reaching high spaces. Blues are good at swimming...yeah. Then this game introduces two new pikmin at the cost of two of the previous types introduced in Pikmin 2. Stone pikmin and flying pink pikmin replace the fat sumowrestler purple pikmin and toxic white pikmin. Stone pikmin are best when cracking open the defences of enemies or crystal rocks found around the maps. Hell these are my second favorite pikmin because of how they attack. Rather than use their leaves utop their hard heads, they just RUN INTO the enemy as hard as they can. It's amazing. Then my favorite: pink pikmin rule the sky..though they are the weakest in combat (though never underestimate the swarm >:] ) you can have up to 100 total of a combination of the pikmin. My personal favorite is 20 of each, as something special happens as you walk with them.

Spicy berries and bombs make a return in this game. Shrouding your pikmin in a special dust created by the planet's berries gives them a special buff that lets them go mad with energy, moving quickly and hitting harder. What's important in pikmin 3 is that the berry mechanic is much different than the previous games. This game allows the process to be automated. Berries are grown back in minutes, so pikmin can constantly move back and forth from the ship to the plant to harvest more juice in comparison to the previous games where once you harvested a berry plant, it was done for the day.

Bombs allow you to do 'tons of damage'. Throwing a pikmin with a bomb makes the pikmin drop the bomb and run in terror to avoid the massive blast. These are typically used to take down the toughest of obstacles- be it wall or wild creature, nothing shall stand in your way.

These bombs allow you to go forward so you may find shortcuts to shorten your time traveling...and now the final feature I would like to mention is the time system. Each day you are given a specific amount of time to explore the map before day changes to night...and the nocturnal predators awaken from their hungry slumber to feast. Before this time, you must gather your pikmin up as they are helpless without you. If you are unable to gather all of your pikmin, at the end of the day alongside a cinematic of you leading your pikmin to safety, you will have to watch the pikmin you left behind consumed by the hungry beasts of the night...it's rather sad and I would recommend to take track of each pikmin you send out. I have heavy attachments to even these little guys and it pained me just to lose one :c...BUT!

To combat this sad ending, the developers did something wonderful and added a brand new feature to your ship. You can walk to your ship and select a massive whistle option which will attempt to call back EVERY single pikmin on the map granted they can path their way to the ship. This was such an excellent feature as I always had one or so random pikmin in each map getting caught on something random and being stuck. With this tool, it gets rid of a lot of the stress of poor npc pathing which plagued the games before. Sure the pikmin can still get caught, but now there is a proper solution.

Also: there are missions and side content to do if youd like. I enjoyed it! Certainly felt alright...but i still enjoyed the main story more. I never was a huge fan of these types of side missions...didn't really feel like Pikmin.

I also understand there are harder difficulties, but truthfully I hate having a difficulty meter review, so I typically play on normal.

VISUALS and AUDIO 

The Pikmin series has never looked so beautiful. It still holds the familiar cartoon wonders we all loved. Those small moments of captains sticking their eyes out in surprise or pikmin expressing themselves in cute little squeaks of joy or terror. The water is gorgeous, the plant life is vibrant, and the wildlife is horrifying. Seriously, the creatures in this game have never looked so revolting yet adorable at the same time. 

You can take pictures of the world with the camera feature which is nice. It gives you a complete POV from the captain's point of view which is quite hilarious to see pikmin right in front of your face. Adorable little things just staring at you both full of wonder and waiting for direction. I really don't know what else to put here since I can't describe the game by any point except cute since the game isn't about its visuals in the slightest, so I'll leave it at the game absolutely nailing what it was going for.

Overall:

I really enjoyed this game, no matter how little time it took to finish it. It was a happy gift to my childhood in which I got to experience another mouthful of happy juice. It was something I was really looking forward to and I have a certain someone out there who can attest to that. 

Nintendo did a fine job in tuning the nobs of the game in a way that made it better yet still paid respects to the previous installments. I can't explain just how quickly I was taken back to my childhood with the familiar Pikmin themesong that I could sing at any moment on the spot because of how many times I've heard it. I think we all have those sensations that bring us back to moments when we were kids...mine always seemed to be sounds and music, be it the login music of Runescape to the Pikmin themesong. I almost have tears listening to some tracks...but regardless!

Pikmin has always been one of those games I can look at and just say "yeah. that's fun". I love the ability to command troops, make friends, and explore, and this game did all three in a cutely brutal way that I can respect. While I found some disappointment in how short my journey, nothing shall ever beat my love for Nintendo's Gem that has been in my memories for years. I highly recommend you give this game a shot.

[tomeandflickcorner]

Episode Review- The Real Ghostbusters: Cry Uncle

Alright, we get another relative this episode.  Fun times.

We begin on what appears to be a quiet winter day in the city. At least, I’m guessing it’s winter as we briefly see a mother exiting a store with a child dressed in one of those bulky winter coats that I remember wearing myself as a kid.  Out of nowhere, the quiet of the day is interrupted by the sudden appearance of a bunch of random ghosts.  So of course, the Ghostbusters quickly appear to deal with the issue. (With Egon emerging from beneath a manhole cover.  Why he chose to be in the sewer to begin with is anyone’s guess.)  Once the ghosts are captured, Ray takes a moment to celebrate the fact that they’ve managed to catch a good number of ghosts that day. However, they quickly notice Egon seems to be otherwise occupied, as he’s making some calculations on a handheld calculator.  It’s soon revealed that he’s determining the estimated time of arrival of his uncle, Cyrus, who is apparently flying into the city to pay Egon a visit.  And Egon determines Uncle Cyrus’ plane should be landing at the airport in about 20 minutes and 57 seconds.  Ray assures Egon that they’ll make it to the airport to pick Uncle Cyrus up in plenty of time.  But first, they still have a few more ghosts to catch.  Something Ray is clearly jumping into with great excitement. (Again, someone please put Ray in Ghostbustholic Anonymous.)

An undetermined amount of time later, we see Janine is at the Firehouse, eating a burger while reading a book.  And I’m pretty sure we get a bit of product placement as well, as the soda cup sitting in front of her looks very much like those old cinema-style Coke cups.  Unfortunately for Janine, her lunch is interrupted when Slimer dive-bombs her, snatching up her burger.  She proceeds to yell at him, prompting Slimer to float away chastised, taking refuge inside the nearby water dispenser.  At that precise moment, a bespectacled man walks into the Firehouse.  It becomes clear very quickly that this is Uncle Cyrus, and he doesn’t seem to think much of the state of the Firehouse, particularly when he questions Janine if his nephew really does work in ‘this garage.’ Janine confirms that Egon does indeed work there, but points out that it’s not a garage but a ghostbusting and containment facility.  Uncle Cyrus, however, clearly doesn’t believe in ghosts, and tells Janine not to insult his intelligence. He then proceeds to walk over to the water dispenser in order to clean his glasses, but Janine quickly movies in front of him while offering to clean his glasses for him.  She’s clearly doing this so Uncle Cyrus won’t see Slimer, who is still inside the transparent water jug, but I’m not exactly sure why Janine is trying to prevent Uncle Cyrus from seeing him.  Because wouldn’t seeing Slimer be the proof Uncle Cyrus needs that ghosts do exist?

In any event, that’s when the Ghostbusters return to the Firehouse after a long but successful series of busts.  Upon seeing Uncle Cyrus, Egon is instantly apologetic, having realized that he’d completely forgotten about picking him up at the airport on account of how busy they were on their most recent job.  Ray proceeds to show Uncle Cyrus the handful of loaded Ghost Traps they brought home, in what I imagine was meant to help show off to Uncle Cyrus the great work Egon’s been doing.  But Uncle Cyrus once again dismisses this, as he doesn’t buy any of this ‘ghostbusting nonsense.’  He then announces that Egon is far too brilliant a scientist to be working in a place like this, and that he should be working in a clean, neat and scientific environment, not running around in costumes after something that doesn’t even exist.  (And doesn’t Egon get a say in this, Uncle Cyrus?)  At that moment, the phone starts to ring, and Janine informs the Ghostbusters that they’re needed in the garment district.  Winston suggests Uncle Cyrus come with them, stating that he didn’t believe in ghosts before joining the team.  And perhaps if Uncle Cyrus sees them in action, then perhaps he’ll start believing in ghosts, too.  (Again, why not just let him see Slimer?)

So off they go to the garment district.  Unfortunately, when they arrive on the scene, they just find a bunch of women viciously fighting over clothing that’s on sale for 50% off. So it appears as if this was a false alarm/prank call.  And Uncle Cyrus is clearly not impressed.  But it’s quickly revealed this was just a fake-out when Egon’s PKE Meter activates, indicating there is a ghost present after all.  The Ghostbusters immediately jump into action.  But as luck would have it, Uncle Cyrus’ glasses get knocked off his face, with Ray accidently stepping on them.  So, because Uncle Cyrus is virtually blind without his glasses, he is unable to actually witness Egon and the others facing off against the prankish ghosts.

That evening, Uncle Cyrus approaches Egon to speak with him in private.  He reminds Egon of a promise he’d once made, in which Egon had vowed that he’d help Uncle Cyrus if he ever needed it.  Uncle Cyrus proceeds to tell Egon that he wants him to come help him now, by assisting him in his new research lab, which is located in the mid-western US.  Possibly somewhere in South Dakota, since Egon will later state the lab is over 1500 miles away from New York.  Egon tries to tell Uncle Cyrus that he can’t come work with him now, but Uncle Cyrus cuts him off, stating that Egon has never broken his promises before, and it would disappoint him if he broke his promise now. Effectively guilt-tripped, Egon ends up agreeing to start working in Uncle Cyrus’ lab.  Though he appears to leave the city without actually saying goodbye to the others.  Sure, he does have the decency to at least leave a note for them, which a deeply-upset Janine discovers the following morning.  But still, he couldn’t be bothered to tell his friends that he was leaving face-to-face?  Not your finest moment, Egon.

Regardless, Ray, Peter and Winston try their best to continue on without Egon.  Though it’s clear that things aren’t the same without him.  And nobody is taking it harder than poor Janine, who is simply miserable with Egon gone.  (Though props to her for still doing her best in continuing doing her job as the Ghostbusters’ secretary.)  When the remaining three Ghostbusters head off to Central Park to try to deal with a poltergeist, things don’t really go well for them, and they’re forced to retreat without capturing the poltergeist.  Because without Egon, they’re missing a vital component to their team dynamic.  In a lot of ways, Egon really was the brains of the group, and without him, they can’t function as well.   They realize that they need Egon back, but at the same time, they know that Egon will never break his promise to Uncle Cyrus.  However, it seems that Peter might have a plan.

Peter’s plan leads to them all traveling to Uncle Cyrus’ lab, where they find Egon in the middle of feeding laboratory rats and mice. It’s abundantly clear that Egon is not very happy with this new arrangement.  And who could blame him, really?  Despite what Uncle Cyrus might claim about how there are no small jobs in research, running rats through mazes is undoubtedly a serious downgrade from catching and occasionally studying actual ghosts.  When Peter, Ray, Winston and Janine arrive at the lab, they all tell Egon that they desperately need him to come back.  But Egon reminds them that he made a promise, and that he can’t go back on his word to Uncle Cyrus.  Peter assures him that he’s got it all figured out.  He figures that if Uncle Cyrus actually got the chance to see what Egon had been doing back in New York, then he would release him from his promise. (Yeah, like that worked so well before.) Egon voices his doubt that Uncle Cyrus would agree to go back out there with the Ghostbusters again, but Peter isn’t swayed, stating that they’ll just tell him that they need Egon’s help to solve their final case.  However, while they all do return to New York, Uncle Cyrus clearly hasn’t forgotten the last time he’d accompanied the Ghostbusters on a mission and adamantly refuses to do so again.  So Peter’s plan doesn’t appear to be working after all.

In spite of that, Egon still is able to head back out to Central Park to help capture the poltergeist that’s still at large.  With his help, the Ghostbusters are able to successfully capture the poltergeist by utilizing special polarized lenses that Egon put together.  These lenses enable them to actually see the poltergeists, which are otherwise invisible, so they have very little trouble this time around.  However, even though it was a successful bust, Egon knows that nothing has changed, and he still has to go back to Uncle Cyrus’ lab.

Back at the Firehouse, though, Uncle Cyrus has apparently followed Janine down to the basement, where the Containment Unit is. He questions Janine on what the Containment Unit is, but he dismisses her explanation as he still doesn’t believe in ghosts.  And, for some reason, he decides to randomly push the buttons attached to the front of the Containment Unit.  Which was an incredibly stupid move.  Even if you don’t believe in ghosts, why would you push a series of buttons on such a large piece of machinery?  Especially when you don’t know what the machine even does?  And this guy is supposed to be a scientist!? I guess it just goes to show you. Being intelligent does not automatically make you wise. Anyway, because of Uncle Cyrus’ stupid meddling, alarms start blaring, which is clearly meant to indicate the protection grid got switched off.  (Hey, wasn’t there supposed to be a failsafe on the Containment Unit?  Back in Mrs. Roger’s Neighborhood, it was stated that the Containment Unit’s protection grid was secured by an electronic voice recognition lock and a handprint scanner. Did the production team for this episode forget that detail?)  In any event, with the protection grid deactivated, it allows a ghost to escape. Namely Mr. Stay Puft.

Hang on.  Wasn’t Mr. Stay Puft supposed to be a simple manifestation of Gozer?  Not only that, but the Ghostbusters never actually caught that particular ghost.  It just sorta exploded into a wave of melted marshmallow goo. That’s what they established in the movie, at least.  I guess it’s possible things played out a bit differently in the animated universe, but the fact that we clearly saw the Ghostbusters drenched with marshmallow goo in the Citizen Ghost flashback suggests it didn’t.  Continuity error?

Anyway, Janine manages to signal the Ghostbusters from a special button attached to the wall, which alerts them to the trouble from the Ecto-1.  So they book it back to the Firehouse, just in time to see Mr. Stay Puft begin stomping down the street.  They quickly take note that Mr. Stay Puft seems to be even bigger than the last time they faced him, and that he’s now too big for any Ghost Trap they have on hand. Though Winston has an idea.  This idea involves setting up an improvised trip-wire to force Mr. Stay Puft to fall over and opening up a series of Ghost Traps simultaneously, so each Ghost Trap can catch a portion of Mr. Stay Puft. (Guess it’s a good thing that Mr. Stay Puft is made of marshmallow, or this would potentially become a bit too gruesome for a kids show.)  The plan ultimately works, and Mr. Stay Puft is able to be returned to the Containment Unit.

With the crisis averted, Egon is prepared to return to Uncle Cyrus’ lab.  But now that Uncle Cyrus has seen first-hand proof that ghosts are real, he now understands that Egon really is doing something worthwhile with the Ghostbusters. As such, he announces that he is releasing Egon from his promise, giving him his blessing to remain in New York. And then he fills a glass from the water dispenser to make a toast, only to get spooked when Slimer inexplicitly emerges from his drinking glass, even though we didn’t see him hiding in the water jug this time.  (No, seriously, I’m asking.  Why did they not want Uncle Cyrus to see Slimer from the get-go?  They could have proved the existence of ghosts to him right then and there!)

Pretty good episode for an Egon centric, as it gave us good insights to his overall character.  Sure, he can be a bit thoughtless at times (considering he did up and leave without actually telling his friends), but the episode does show that he’s a man of his word. Plus, it does give us a small hint on what his family life was like.  He clearly had a close bond with Uncle Cyrus, considering he made such a promise to him in the first place.  Though it’s never actually stated how old Egon had been when he made that promise. Did he make this promise during his college years, or was it a promise he’d made in his youth?  I suppose it’s not that important, but knowing that detail could potentially paint the situation in a different light.  In addition, the fact that Uncle Cyrus is also a brilliant scientist gives us our first hint at something future episodes will build on- that Egon comes from a family full of scientific-minded people.  Pursuing a career as a scientist is something of a tradition in Egon’s family.  That fact alone is an interesting development, but future episodes do start to suggest that this might not be a good thing.  Of course, that’s a matter for another time.

(Click here for more Ghostbusters reviews)

[mypersonalrambling]

Study buddy Alex Andersen lowkey wanting to be friends with benefits but doesn’t wanna creep you out or come off too strong and ruin a good friendship but you run into each other at a party and make out then your next study sesh things get even more heated😍😉

Tonight was was one of the only days you didn’t spend studying with Alex. You sat next to him on the first day of class, quickly hitting it off and exchanging numbers. He’d never been anything more than a friend and study buddy.

You thought he was one of the most attractive men on campus. Some days it was difficult to focus on studying when he was sitting so close to you could smell the spearmint gum he’s chewing.

Alex never showed a interest in being more than friends. He was always respectful, giving you plenty of space. Most people would have tried to use the situation to their advantage but not Alex.

Your friend invited you to one of the biggest parties of the year. It was a tradition, everyone met at Alpha Phi Alpha’s fraternity house. The school official seemingly turned a blind eye to the event, letting the tradition keep going as long as nothing terrible happened.

You decided to get dolled up for tonight. A new outfit, makeup, hair all done. You felt like a completely different person. Usually you kept things causal or at most business causal, this was college after all.

Thankfully, there was a group of you going together which made things seem less intimidating. That was until you actually arrived at the party. The yard was already full of people, it looked as if the house was at capacity.

As soon as you walked towards the house, you started to see people from most of your classes except the one person you wanted see.

The later the party went on the less inhibitions you maintained. People were handing you drinks left and right, you drank them without care. It wasn’t your brightest moment but you were having fun.

Suddenly all the alcohol you’d drank rushed to your bladder. The house was large enough to cause confusion or at least when you were this intoxicated. You stumbled around until a hand wrapped around your arm. “Hey, I didn’t know you’d be here,” Alex’s smooth voice overwhelmed your senses.

“Yeah, my friend invited me and I thought it’d be fun,” you said or at least thought you’d said. Alex turned his face to the side, opening and closing his mouth a few times before a what slipped out.

“I really need to pee.” You push your way past him to only reveal you were back at your starting point. “Fuck where is it.”

“Babe, let me help you. I know where the bathroom is.” Alex put his arm around your hips, an instant warmth spread through your body. Your inebriated self threw caution to the wind, wrapping both arms around him, making it difficult to walk. “Someone’s feeling frisky tonight.”

You let out an mhm hmm, maneuvering yourself as close as possible. You were grateful to see the bathroom was open when you arrived. You quickly stumbled in forgetting to even shut the door. You fumbled with the buttons of your pants, who the fuck designed these things, they were like a chastity belt. You tried to pull them down without unbuttoning however they were too tight, “Fuckkkkk.”

You were close to crying and pissing your pants. “Can I help?” Alex was standing in the doorway, concern washing over his face. He must of took your pouting for a yes because next thing you knew his fingers expertly I did your pants. “If you need anything else, I’ll be outside the door.”

A feeling of relief came over you when you sat down on the toilet. The struggle with your pants didn’t subside when trying to re-button them. Alex either sensed your struggle or you were making a lot of noise because not long after he knocked in the door, opening just enough to see you standing by the sink.

He didn’t ask this time, he reached down to button them. “You really are wasted aren’t you? C’mon follow me.” He led you upstairs to an empty bedroom. Once inside, he locked the door which in a usual circumstance would have caused panic but not with Alex. “Lie here for a bit, I’m gonna go grab some water and ibuprofen.”

He handed the pills to you, making sure you took them without issue. All the alcohol made you tired, barely able to keep your eyes open. Not remembering falling asleep, you awoke with arms wrapped around you. A panic set in, did you sleep with a random person? You tried shifting without alerting the other person, unfortunately it didn’t work.

“Trying to sneak away after I took care of you. How rude.” Alex’s voice went a wave of relief over you.

“I...ugh my head hurts. Well I didn’t know who would be on the other end of the arms. Wanted to avoid an uncomfortable situation. Where are we?”

“In one of the bedrooms in the frat house. I didn’t think you’d make it too far as shit faced as you were. You couldn’t even button your pants. I had to help.”

“Ahhhh,” you turned until your head was in a pillow, “I can’t believe I got that drunk. That’s so embarrassing.”

“A little, but I didn’t mind. Kinda nice seeing you outside of our study sessions. You actually do know how to have fun,” he expressed, dripping with sarcasm, accompanied by pokes in the side.

“Heyyyy, stop that,” you whined, “Where’s the bathroom again? I need to wash up. Also what time is it?”

“The bathroom is down the hall to the left and it’s...4:23am. Be careful, there’s probably some straggle partiers.” You shuffled to the door, peaking your head out. When you saw it was safe, you headed towards the bathroom.

You dug through the bathroom searching for anything to help with your breath. Finally you found mouthwash and luckily for you it wasn’t even open. Even better you found mini throw away toothbrushes.

After brushing your teeth, you headed back to the bedroom hoping Alex was still there. You couldn’t help becoming a little excited that he was still there. You climb back into bed he instinctively wrapped his arms around you. “Where there many people still up?”

“No I heard a few rustling around but it seems most have left or are asleep. Alex, thank you for bringing me up here. I guess I don’t know how to control myself.”

“You’re welcome. I wanted to make sure you didn’t end up in any trouble. You never know what others are capable of. I would never let myself live it down if something happened to my favorite study buddy,” his voice was laced with sleep.

You didn’t know if you still had courage from the alcohol or if you were finally tired of being scared all the time but you roll over so you were laying on top of him. He no longer appeared tired, the sleep disappearing from his face. Before he had a chance to say anything, your lips were on his.

Alex’s body became stiff then melted into yours. His lips relaxed, moving perfectly in sync with yours. Your hands were placed flat against his chest, his resting on your hips, giving gentle squeezed periodically.

When the two of you came up for air, you froze. What had you done? What if he wasn’t into you as more than a study buddy? He has been drinking, maybe you were taking advantage of him? When your body caught up to your brain, you jumped off him and the bed, scurrying our the door like an animal with its tail between their legs. You could hear him hollering your name.

The next day you skipped your classes to hungover to concentrate. You hadn’t heard from Alex since last night, well this morning. Today was a usual study session but you weren’t sure he was going to show after last night, not that you would blame him if he didn’t.

You felt slightly better after taking a shower and taking more ibuprofen. You’d already messaged everyone from you classes to see what you missed except for Alex. The closer it became to when Alex was due to arrive your stomach was in knots.

It was half an hour after he was usually arrived. Shit, he isn’t coming. He must be dismayed about the previous nights events. You typed, re-types a message to him five times, still not brave enough to send it. A soft knock on the door startled you from the battle in your head. You opened the door to reveal Alex, “Hey, sorry I’m late. Can I come in?”

You moved allowing him to enter. He took a seat on your bed, leaving the desk chair across the room for you. The two of you sat in silence, both unsure if you should bring up last night. “So, uhh...here’s what you missed in class.” He slid over his notes for you to copy.

The air in the room was thick with tension. Before you were able to say anything else blurted, “What happened last night? Well this morning, you just ran off. Was it the alcohol? Did you change your mind?”

“No, I just...ugh. I got in my head. I thought maybe you were drunk and I was taking advantage of you. That maybe you didn’t like me for anything other than a study partner. I psyched myself out.”

“You couldn’t tell by the way I kissed you back that I wanted you. YN, I’ve wanted to do that for a long time but I thought you wouldn’t want more.” He took a deep breath and swiftly pulled you out of the chair, crashing his lips against yours.

Awkwardly you made it until you were lying on top of him on the bed. Alex was more aggressive, his hands roaming unable to decide where to put them. Yours were locked in his hair.

Alex and you were in sync, attempting to take the others clothes off. It didn’t take long before clothes were thrown across the room, long forgotten. He flipped you over so he could be in control. He attached his lips to you neck, sucking, biting not caring it was going to leave a mark.

Alex took his time, leaving marks down your torso. You don’t think there was one part his didn’t touch. Warmth spread through your entire body. “Please, Alex...” you pleaded. He knew exactly what you wanted, not even taking a mere split second to shift so he was hovering above you.

He thrust his entire length in, giving you little time to adjust. His pace was quick, precise, the only sound was skin against skin. Alex was pushing to your limit, a leg thrown over his shoulder giving him access to become deeper.

One hand was digging into your hips, the other resting beside your head. “Oh fuck Alex,” other expletives too jumbled make sense left your lips. He moved the hand resting by your head to your bundle of nerves. He started by gently teasing, barely using any pressure then progressed until you felt the familiar tightening in your stomach.

Breathy moans escaped your lips, just trying to reach that pivotal high. One particular hard stroke sent you gushing over, your body spasmed, clenching hard around him. Alex never let up the pace, fucking through your orgasm. It wasn’t too long after you felt spurts of him inside of you.

He didn’t move right away, letting both of you catch your breath. “That was...”

“Amazing,” He finished for you. “You aren’t going to run away again are you?” A smirk on his face.

“I should just for that comment,” you retorted. He rolled to the side so he could face you. “I’m sorry Alex. I shouldn’t have run off yesterday. I just didn’t know how you felt.”

“Well for one I spent most of the night taking care of you. That should have been your first clue. Doesn’t matter now though. I must say this is the best study session I’ve ever had.”

You agreed before deciding you best at least get dressed before your roommate arrived. You didn’t think they would appreciate seeing the two of you naked. From then on out it was less about studying and more about who could have the most orgasms; you always won.

[marshmellowtea]

hey!! im gonna send you a lot of charas, you can answer them as you want, I just wanna make sure you have enough to answer all you want!! seishi, nikei, ayumu, marin maki, komaeda, makoto, mikan and sayake, please!

aaaaaaaa anon ur so sweet ilysm ;o; 

i’ll probably have to divide these into a couple posts so i can break it into chunks for myself but i’ll start off with seishi, nikei, and ayumu here :’0 

also putting this under a cut so i hopefully don’t break anyone’s dashes 

seishi 

favorite thing about them 

he’s just,, baby?? he’s just baby hdfjaslkdfsdf i don’t even know how to describe it. i was attached to him the moment i saw him and the more i watched of him the more in love i fell he’s such a precious dork,, 

least favorite thing about them 

idk if this actually counts because this is more of a criticism of his writing than anything but it’s so annoying how people just default him to “standard evil villain” after the katagiri zen reveal like no,, there’s so much more that can be done with him,, how dare you,, 

favorite line 

tbh as much as i’m disappointed (read: angry) with the direction voices was going to go, “did you just call us horny?” is still an ICONIC line fhaslksdfjlksdf i love it so much 

brOTP 

him and marin! also him and mikoto,, and him and nico,, tbh him and any girl is good he just vibes “let’s go wlw let’s go!!”, y’know? i also like him and nikei being like. adopted brothers or adopted cousins tbh it’s really cute 

OTP 

seishi/akira/ayumu/saiji. yes that it as an ot4. yes it counts come at me bro. any seishi/rebirth boy ship is good tho 

nOTP 

i,, really don’t like seishi/girls fjadsklfjsadf feels bad man 

random headcanon 

he has TRAUMA dammit!! i hc that he has a backstory similar to maki’s in that he was forced into being an assassin at a young age so it wasn’t really his choice to get involved in all this. i’ve kinda ran that idea into the ground at this point though so here’s a lighter headcanon: when he was 14, he reeeaaaally wanted to be a cat. like, to the point where he’s embarrassed to look back on those days because oh my god he really straight up tried to act like a cat 24/7 huh? kinda ties into another headcanon of mine that he’s less mature than he lets on and tends to go through periods of feeling kinda childlike but ssshh shsh shsh shush

unpopular opinion 

he’s a good boy with a morally dubious job and that doesn’t make him automatically evil. y’all are just unimaginative, uncreative and mean >:( 

song i associate with them 

coughs at my seishi and zen playlists uhh there’s a lot tbh but the songs most strongly connected with him in my mind are “this is how you spell haha we destroyed the hopes and dreams of a generation of faux romantics” by los campesinos! and “i’ve got all this ringing in my ears and none on my fingers” by fall out boy (and yes those are two songs with very long titles i know hdfaklsjdflsd ;w;) 

favorite picture of them 

aaaa rebirth doesn’t have a lot of good cgs to pull from across either of its canons and idk if fanart counts so,, but gosh i really love his surprised sprite. he’s like :o. he’s so baby i love him so much 

nikei 

favorite thing about them 

he’s so interesting. it’s clear a lot of work went into his character, and it’s always a fascinating struggle to try and write him. i think it might be a bit easier after chapter four is fully translated but still there’s a lot of complexity to him and it’s interesting trying to break down his outer shell and get inside his head, y’know? also, he’s adorable. i wanna squish his cheeks. 

least favorite thing about them 

oh my GOD does my boy stress me out. i hate seeing him being mean to my other favorite characters and i’m always just like baby why are you like this please don’t ohmygod?? i’m gonna have to watch chapter four with my hands covering my eyes hasdfjslkdf i hate betrayal plots :’) 

favorite line 

this is kinda hard actually hasdkflsjdfk but “and she threw them away just like that? girl, are you a genius or an idiot, make up your mind!” from the third trial is reALLY GOOD FHKJDFLKDSF on a more heartbreaking note though him apologizing before he dies is just,, god. god.

brOTP 

him and the other voids!! they’re a family fight me. and him and seishi, ofc. i also like him and setsuka a lot though,, after chapter six i’m doubling down on my “she’s his mom!!” stance okay. i also like him and yoruko because i think they could have a fun dynamic (and maybe a soft dynamic with older yoruko,, maybe,,)(what i’m saying is that he gains another mom okay. let me project my mommy issues in peace) 

OTP 

i,, actually largely headcanon him as aro so there’s not a lot of ships with him i’m super passionate about?? i still kinda like him and setsuka in aus and such but other than that i mostly dropped all my ships for him after chapter six cuz it’s no big loss to me. though,, i’m not gonna lie, i still have a HUGE soft spot for sorakei. after seeing his free time events they just,, grew on me and i’d think they’d be really cute together c’mon guys can we make it happen- :’0 

nOTP 

nikei/mikado nikei/mikado nikei/mikado LIKE CAN WE PUT IT TO REST ALREADY I ACTUALLY HATE IT 

random headcanon 

his hair is actually naturally super curly and he straightens it every morning so other people don’t realize this. the other voids think it looks really cute pre-straightener but he thinks it makes it hard for others to take him seriously which is why he goes to such lengths to try to hide it basically he does NOT appreciate the cooing he gets from emma, thank you very much. hgalsdjfadlfkl

unpopular opinion 

i’m not actually sure if this counts cuz i don’t see this on tumblr at least but i don’t think we should take what he says to emma and hajime in the void theater at face value. i think despite what he says he actually does care about them in his own way, he just doesn’t really show it well because he doesn’t like to be vulnerable around others. he’s an asshole sometimes (actually a lot of the time hadsflkjsdflk), but that doesn’t mean he’s unfeeling or unable to care about people. 

song i associate with them 

once again side eyes my nikei playlist ahdfslksdfjslkfd a part of me doesn’t want to spoil one of the songs on it because i do eventually wanna release it to the public but i really just,, i really gotta go with “are you satisfied?” by marina. it’s just too perfect and i think of him every time i hear it now 

favorite picture of them 

honestly? his first tts avatar. no talk him. him angy his last tts avatar upsets me though LEAVE HIM BE LINUJ

ayumu 

favorite thing about them 

AAAAAAAAAA BOYFRIEND BOYFRIEND he’s so sweet such a good boy!! i like that he’s empathetic towards others cuz of his luck and he cares about how it affects them. i like that he’s soft and definitely a good cuddle partner. i love that he’s a trans icon even if that’s not really the intent i don’t care he just vibes trans so well (gal or guy or nonbinary but i tend to stick with the trans guy headcanon cuz haha i transmasc-)  

least favorite thing about them 

i kinda wish he had more of a canon sarcastic side? i mean i’m gonna continue to write him that way lol but c’mon there had to have been times where his luck is just so wildly terrible that his inner hinata jumps out and he makes a quip about it hfkajsdfksdf 

favorite line 

aaaaaa his little hope speech during in voices’ chapter one trial makes me soft,, i love him so much,, i also like him shutting aruma down when she’s being too horny hdlkajdsflksdf it’s really good 

brOTP 

ngl i tend to ship him with most of the class so,, like,, i also brotp him with the whole class,, dalfksdlfkasdf 

OTP 

see above but my favorite of those pairings are ayumu/seishi, ayumu/akira and ayumu/mikoto 

nOTP 

when i’m headcanoning him as a trans guy: nico, misuzu, and kasumi cuz i hc them as lesbians. when i’m headcanoning her as a trans girl: seishi. kind of a nonissue when i go with a nonbinary headcanon though 

random headcanon 

he plays minecraft with akira a lot, but they always have to play in create mode where you can’t really die otherwise it’s just a montage of ayumu dying over and over again, pfft. even with unlimited life though he still usually ends up stuck somewhere and akira has to come dig him out and since akira’s a rude boy he’s always laughing his ass off as he’s doing it smh >:0

unpopular opinion 

it’s,, silly to be mad about his “secretly a boy” twist on the same level as you’re mad about the v3 protag twist,, it’s a fangan and not even that well known of one at that like it doesn’t really have the power to “break down barriers” like that or whatever tf you’re expecting hdsflkajsfdlksdf 

song i associate with them 

he’s another character i have a playlist for ahdflaksdjflaksd but “this is home” by cavetown and i cry every time :’) 

favorite picture of them 

once again there’s not a lot of canon art to pull from but i do adore the promo art of him with his “male” and “female” versions :’0 

[ofphcenixes]

( ooc note about why i am the absolute worst ! )

this is such a random note i know, and admittedly i’ve spent the entire day composing this. so if it’s a little disjointed or illogical, i want to apologise in advance ! however i have included this nice gif of luke - it doesn’t have anything to do with the post, just thought it would make it more appealing dkjfgdf. admittedly this is going to be a bit of a Long Boi™, but it is kinda.... relevant if you’ve ever tried to write/plot with me, or are wondering what’s going on with nate. behold, all your answers are below ! i’ll put a tldr at the bottom plus a nifty little vine compilation for anyone that reads this but, please don’t feel pressured to do so ! ya girl is just a Mess dkfjgd. 

the first thing i want to address is the elephant in the room; nathaniel ballantyne. i know a lot of people are curious about his fate, his place in the plot drop, why he vanished so much earlier than everyone else. is he actually guilty ? is he a martyr ? is he a red herring ? well, here’s the tea on mr nathaniel ballantyne: 

he is on indefinite hiatus. 

a lot of people probably wonder why. i will get into the specifics of the why in a little bit (when i said this was a Long Boi i was not kidding lmfao), but basically... he’s a very difficult character to write. i am not a veteran rper, and in all honesty, i can count on my hands the amount of rps i’ve been in. and there are only 5 characters i’ve ever written about and cared enough to remember. one of those is nate. for those of you that know him, he is a strange and eccentric character. entirely up his own ass at times, pretentious as hell. but he, to me, was a character i grew attached to. he was different from people i normally write, and despite how abstract he was, he was.... realistic to me. my deep rooted attachment to him is why it took me so long to see how hard it was for me to write replies with him, to understand the guilt i felt any time i plotted or wrote with him, and the fact he was so mentally taxing it would take five times as much time to write a reply for him than it would any other character. but the sad truth is, even though i only felt guilt related to him, even though i haven’t had muse for him honestly for months now, i kept him. because i love him, even if he isn’t loved by many others. and so part of the reason he is now where he is is the simple fact that i know he didn’t mesh with the group, and that’s okay ! he was a very difficult character to reply to, and now that he is gone, i feel that burden of guilt lifting already.

as for his plot related departure, the truth is i didn’t have the heart to kill him off, hence why he kinda is just out there in a weird in between space dkjfgdf. and ( as i’ll explain below ) if my life ever does even out at any point, i really want to bring him back should there be space for him. so this indefinite hiatus was made for many reasons, and it absolutely broke my heart to have to get to this point. i love nate, and i am going to miss him. and i hope that in due time, i will have the capacity to bring him back soon ! but in case i don’t, i just want everyone to know that i appreciate every second i spent writing with you all on nate, and that the time and effort people poured into him means the world to me. and i’m so, so sorry to the people who are disappointed in me for this, because i know there are probably a few. i have let so many of you down, and honestly this is a burden i am going to carry for a very long time. i am going to message people tomorrow when i am more Coherent so, i promise to do my best to atone for this kgdf.

but to segue into that a little more ( oh look, another elephant in the room ! what is this, dumbo 2: electric boogaloo ), as an admin, i know there are expectations we are supposed to meet. examples we should set. precedents we have to lay down. 

and i know i have disappointed every single one of you in this rp. 

from my slow ( to non-existent ) dash activity, for the anxiety that has left me unable to reply to dms or reply in the main group chat, to even the fear of godmodding in ask memes on a thursday. i know this seems perfectly illogical to most, and again, i completely understand the disappointment that so many of you feel towards me. and it’s that very disappointment which djkgdf ironically has made it harder for me to get on and be the admin that you all deserve. 

the real difficult thing about all of this is, i love veritas. and for those of you who were in veritas 1, would know that this is not who i usually am. this experience is not representative of the person i want to be, nor the rper that i usually present myself as. but as to avoid going into too triggering content and bothering you all with tmi details about my life problems lmfao, please rest assured that these past few months have been. absolutely brutal for me. from almost losing my opa to illness, from ongoing family issues and expectations, being kicked out of home among a list of other shit, my mental health has been as low as gfkdgdf it has ever been in my life tbh, and it’s been the hardest thing in the world to get on. all my attentions with veritas has been in the main, as the main is a very taxing job ( as you know, we are very plot centric ! ) and i would more often than not get so worn out with being an admin, my characters fell by the wayside. not to mention, as sort of dkfgjdf touched on before, i have massive anxiety when it comes to messaging people. why ? i don’t know. especially as i have wanted to plot with all of you extensively and deeply since we opened, and reading every single app made my heart beat a little faster with joy. i am so honoured to be an admin here, and each and every one of you are such an incredible writer and person that i can’t help but feel overwhelmed and guitlty about how much i have let you all down. especially for those who sent me dms that i either forgot about or never replied to because i got so anxious, i feel so guilty every day about it all and i just wish i could go back in time and change it. 

and the reality is, if i wasn’t an admin and co-creator of this group, i probably would have dropped out a long time ago, give the space to someone worthy, and i wouldn’t be filled with so much guilt. but the truth is, i am a selfish person dgdgdf. veritas has been that sort of dkfgjdf good, steady thing in my life that i looked forward to, and i couldn’t bear the thought of losing that. each and every one of you create the fabric that is this amazing atmosphere, and even though i’m less seen and heard compared to most others in this group, being part of veritas gives me a sense of belonging. and in a strange sense, a home. yes, i know i was selfish, and yes, i should have handled things much better than i did. but you all need to know from the bottom of my heart how sorry i am for everything that has transpired. ):

but i think the worst part of it all is that, my beautiful co-admin maaria, and my best friend. among letting you all down, i know i have let her down the most. and i just want to take my soapbox moment for a second here and really put light into how much maaria has done for this group. especially when my own life has been in shambles, and knowing she’s going through her own problems, she always provides for you all. she is always here, always online, always around to make you laugh or smile. she provides for all of us, and is honestly a miracle worker. i don’t think i will ever deserve her forgiveness for everything, but i hope she knows how loved she is, and i hope you all show her your sentiments too ! she is the heart of veritas, and fdjg she means the world to me, and i just really want her to know that.

but that was. a lot of emotions and obviously i haven’t talked about everything in my life ( i do not want to bore you and honestly i don’t wanna make y’all sad dkfjghdkfjgdfgdf ) none of this really means anything if things aren’t going to change. so get ready for some Bullet Point Action because here is my proposal: 

nEw SkElEtOn: although nate is on hiatus and sorta just gonna, float out there in the void of time, and even though i really want to bring him back soon i don’t know if/when i will, i have felt immense guilt for hoarding his spot in this rp for someone who could be more active. hence, a solution: a new skeleton ! as i am not comfortable with nate’s skeleton being open, we have created a new skeleton with connections to all nate’s old connections, which should hit the main very soon ! 

new discord: this is probably unnecessary but dfkgjdfg i have a lot of anxiety about discord. when i get a new message i’m always like ??? AAH A GHOST. idk why. and because of that, i skip a message once, and now there are so many unanswered messages i have a heart attack every time i open my app. so, to prevent that, i am going to make a new discord account ! ( lilacrps #i forgot the number lmao ). i will be adding everyone as Friends and if you’ve ever sent me something i never responded to, or for some odd reason you wanna talk to me, a human mess, please know now that with a fresh slate i will ensure i can reply to you. i am not gonna let my anxiety win this time. 

schedule: part of my issue is that i dfkjgdf always felt pressure to do everything all the time and then when i couldn’t, i fell under pressure. so dkfgjdf i am now having designated plotting and reply days ! so even though i hope to be far more active in both regards, i just need people to understand things won’t be instant, but i am holding myself accountable not only for myself, but for the rp - as that is what an admin should do.

this got super long and i highly doubt anyone is actually gonna read this lmao BUT. the main point is - i love every single one of you all so much, and i can’t apologise enough for how much i have let you all down. i know we all feel it, and i’m more than happy to accept my flaws and how blatant they’ve been in the past few months. so this is my pledge to every single one of you that i promise to do better (and if i don’t, you can kick me out dkjfgdf). 

TLDR: I have been a terrible admin and friend, and I’m here to say sorry. With a new discord and personal plotting schedule, things are going to change. 

If I can’t cure my depression, maybe I can cure yours.