#actuallybdp

[pessimistcameleon]

To all the people that I knew.

I don't know where to start exactly, so I'll write instead an image that I got in my head today: I am literally torn to shreds. My muscle tissues are shreddy, there are missing parts that are covered by confettis and coriandolis, and as I walk they fall to the ground, I lean closer I see them laying on the cobble stones, just like on Carnival in my childhood.

Maybe I am exaggerating, but even if I am a ghost now (maybe I was always that), I feel an extreme aching in my physical body. Recently I started to hug myself and I feel my ribcage under my fingers and I kind of love them, but I am terrified at the same time, is an unknown sensation to me. I don't trust my own touch, and human touch just feels alien, if someone touches me I am alarmed and helpless, I don't know how to vocalize my fear of being touched. I allow only the hot showers to hug me instead, even if afterwards my skin turns red and itchy, because my skin "is so delicate".

A few days ago I looked into the mirror and what I saw was a stranger, a young woman that was unrecognizable who claimed to be me. I hated her. She cried and was pathetic, just like me. I wasn't able to empathize with her, because she was hiding away with her body the features that I've always known, I wasn't able to see the child. I became alarmed about my own inner child, did it even exist? Did I imagined it?

Since a while as I wake up everyday the only thing that befriends me and decides to stick with me as the day goes is anxiety. If I am lucky sometimes it goes to sleep and I become numb to my surroundings. I can assure you that it's not only the increased coffee quantity that I am consuming because of being constantly exhausted both physically and mentally. Things like going back to the shelter where I live now or just activities that include social interaction (which are essential otherwise I wouldn't be able to go forward with my day aka my survival) just trigger me, I detach from reality and I go to swim into dreadness.

Speaking about dreadness, I searched after grounding techniques but when any intense emotion or any form of dissociation kicks in I remind myself about staying grounded, but instead I'd let myself float away, because I am a masochist after all.

To be honest I am in a loop. I find myself constantly thinking about the past, because I am reminded about it by my surroundings but also because the past feels more secure and tangingle than my hollow present and non-existent future. I acknowledge the fact that the past has also painful traces in it, I already struggled during those times with mental health issues (I was especially minimizing my own concerns, as a result of my emotional responses I was considered over-dramatic), but I still had a sense of purpose, I was interested in many things and I was very hopeful about the person that I want to become. But the memories and any element connected to each one of them act as a stabbing knife, as a result I grieve myself even more. The events of my life seem like they belong to another person and not me.

Nowadays I dissociated myself from the person I was: I have no dreams and aspirations anymore, I isolated myself from everyone because is too much for both of me and the other person, and the situation I am in alienates me from every individual who has a stable background, has goals and human connections. I am unable to define myself on an individual level, I've come to the conclusion that I always identified myself with my own emotions and based my own self-knowledge on external information claiming that I am highly self-aware, which considered from my present perspective is funny, because beside the things that I've mentioned above seems like I have 0 personality traits, like I am the embodiment of a fluid presence with no defined characteristics.

I faded into nothingness and I am still pretending, in the presence of those who help me, to have the will to achieve my future goals (which as I said, now they don't exist, they just disintegrated) since "I am young and I can't waste my potential".

If I achieve something that is relevant to my survival all I feel is emptiness and suspicion. Very often I feel threatened by every act of kindness resulting into a hidden and more complex form of sabotage.

Not to mention my random attachment that I develop towards certain individuals that feel like an anchor right at the moment, and ironically I still find myself searching for clues that they'll give up on me soon. My so said strategy is to avoid attachment and antagonizing them in my mind.

I know that the reaction after this reading must be: pls, go and seek a therapist. I asssure you, I am already doing that.

I guess I am alive, but I am not present. So take this as an explanation for my recent absence and behavior maybe.

I don't know what was my goal with this post, but to the people who will see this: a part of me still misses you, but I am afraid that is already late for me to be human again.

[moondreamie]

Bitch someone is always gonna have a worse off then you, that doesn't invalidate how you're feeling!! It's okay to be sad or angry about something even if people have it worse off!!

[gentlytoxic]

I’m so worried about you

I just want you to be safe and happy

Sorry I couldn’t be who you needed me to be

[sharingthesuffer]

i moved to portland.

a lot happened and not much of it good. i got real depressed and split on my roommate. i also hooked up with a girl and lost my head, got too stoned and overly affectionate. now she’s freaked out by me. i feel like shit. i just realized that asking her today about it probably ruined all chances of her talking to me again.

[pr0bablyarobot]

cash me pushing people away with my constant need for validation how bout dah

[shortchangebdp]

I FINALLY HATE MY FP AND THEY AREN’T MY FP ANYMORE

THIS IS HUGE FOR ME I FINALLY FEEL FREE FOR ONCE. Stupid bitch hate’s space. Fuck that bitch.

[brainrobot]

💕 brainrobot’s 2017 introduction post 💕

hey!!! i’m phoebe!!! i’m 17 years old, i live in australia and am currently in year 12 taking my hsc’s! i’m mentally and chronically ill which has made school a bit of a nightmare my entire life. i decided last year to make a study blog, and discovered that, with the proper motivation, i do really well when i apply myself. 2016 was a rough year in which i had to make many tough decisions. my depression was at an all time high, and it led me to failing and almost being unable to proceed with high school. but i���ve worked it out, and went through a very long, tedious and stressful process of getting myself a therapist and getting medicated without much support from my parents. it’s currently my school break, its a new year, and im ready to work and get the grades i deserve!

i made this space for others like me. im first and foremost here for my mentally/chronically ill kids. you guys manage to do so much and im so proud of us!!! we’re surviving and even thriving in a system that wasnt built for us, and we might not get straight a’s but we work so so hard and thats what matters.

i was not on this blog much during the whole of last year, so i want this to be a fresh start. im lucky to have the groundwork already laid out for me though. 

my favorite studyblrs on this site are @zenithstudies, shes one of my best friends and makes me so proud every day, as well as @oh-studies, @dotgrids, @graphis, @studyblook, @sammystudies, @theofficialonigiri, @spacestudying, @studypetals, among many others!! 

[enlightenedeagle]

Lol I’m deadass toxic asf

[xxnappyboat]

I need to talk to someone so badly. But no one of my friends are awake.

But even if they were, I know I wouldn’t say a word.

[autumndiesirae]

Hey-O, reading the response and just wanna confirm on my end - I, personally, have never heard Autism being referred to as "A-Spec", and only heard it referred to as "Autism", "ASD" or "Autistic Spectrum Disorder". Also, if they're gonna go on about stealing the format of "actuallyautistic", then maybe they should get on "actuallyangelic" or "actuallybdp" But heey, that's straying off-topic, sorry! Just putting my two-cents in!

Thank you sm, Anon!

[unconventiallywholesome]

Murky meds

My meds make me so slow and dumb. I contemplated reducing my dose or going off them but the consequences are shit. Either I'm severely depressed without them or I can't remember if I took all the groceries from the car earlier today with them.

[pr0bablyarobot]

Why do I immediately think that anyone talking in a slightly stern tone is angry with me?

[porn4angels]

tw: bpd, mental illness

hey guys :) I reaally need your help with a project i’m currently working on. I am doing an art piece to do on bdp; recurrent thoughts people suffering with bpd have, or things people say to those suffering with bpd (misconceptions, etc). 

these can be things that you’ve said out loud or just to yourself, & also things that have been said to you by your friends, family member, therapists, etc. please message me (on or off anon, whatever you’re comfortable with :) ) directly here. it would also mean be super cool if you could reblog this, so that this post can reach as many people as possible. 

if you do message me off anon, i will respond privately <3 and once i’ve completed this piece i will share it on here, so you can see. 

[spooniecatmom]

it would really be nice to have some kind of bpd network so we could all like each other’s selfies and send each other ask meme #s and stuff like that - easy attention things. does anyone know if something like this exists, or would anyone be interested if i tried to start one?