#as miserable as I was sometimes I would pay real money to Feel Things as deeply as I did back then

[malewifespike]

reading back old posts on here from when I was a teenager is like. I was so normal what the fuck happened to me

[sea-owl]

I just saw this tiktok video of what I believe is an Indian drama. I'm not 100% sure if it was a show or movie. I couldn't find the name on it. But in the video, it was described that a village made its money by selling off daughters to wealthy men for marriage. The female lead was the "ugly" girl (she was not ugly) who managed a side business off this main business by having the potential grooms see her first as their bride and then showing the real girl. Basically, helping with negotiations saying, "Hey, you could've gotten me, but instead, we have this gem here. Don't you think she's worth more?" After getting the higher bride price she takes her cut.

After watching, I said I could see Kate and Penelope making a small business doing this around the ton. Not to say they aren't beautiful, they are, and the girl in the original video was beautiful too. They just don't fit society beauty standards. Actually, side note now that I think about it canonically the only one of the wives who did was Sophie. Sophie was described to fit the ton's beauty standards to a t and would probably have been the incomparable/diamond of her debute season if she was born legitimate.

Anyway, Kate probably started it. For one reason or another, they couldn't wait for Edwina to debute, and Kate wasn't having a successful season, so she thought of a way to earn some money to help her family. It started as an accident, Kate was visiting a friend the same time negotiations were happening for her friend's engagement. Her friend has never met the lord, and two just so happened to walk by the room the negotiations were happening in. The lord saw Kate before her friend and assumed she was to be his bride. He was about to be outraged until her friend turned the corner. Things went much better for the bride to be in the negotiations after that.

Kate's friend apologized for the situation, but the wheels in Kate's head were turning. She didn't care all that much about being compared to her friend. Strangers loved to unpromptly compare her to Edwina when they were together and Kate couldn't really bring herself to care she has other things to worry about. But this new development, might work in her favor.

So Kate started offering her services to get brides to be better deals on marriage negotiations. First looks from arranged marriages she'll be in front and then show the real bride. Sometimes, be part of the negotiations by giving little reminders that hey, she is still in need of a husband, and if they want to pay less, then they can negotiate with her family. Sometimes, she didn't have to do anything besides sit next to the bride to be and just talk with her as a silent reminder. Kate also offered services such as attending balls with her clients and spreading word about bride's accomplishments. Kate would get her cut, which helped her family's financial situation longer, just long enough to get Edwina married.

A few years pass, and Kate is booked, possibly overly so. She has more and more parents there who wish for her to be part of the negotiations. There are so many that there is no possible way she can do them all by herself. Unless she gets a partner.

In 1813, Kate saw a miserable wallflower standing at the edge of one of the balls. That yellow dress did not do the poor girl any favors with her complexion, nor did the shape help with her curvy figure. Her poor red hair reminded Kate of an overdone poodle. She looked to be Edwina's age, and that made Kate's big sister instincts go off.

Introductions were made, and Kate learned the girl's name was Penelope Featherington. Kate learned the girl was rather smart and witty when she relaxed around you. She, like Kate, had a good head on her shoulders and it's a shame others don't see that.

Oh well, their loss is Kate's gain.

"Penelope, how would you feel about helping me with some business?" Kate asked one night at a ball. She had a negotiation to go to tomorrow and it would be an ideal time to take her new friend to get her feet wet.

Penelope looked up at Kate. "What kind of business?"

Kate took Penelope with her to the negotiations, and the deals doubled in favor of the bride.

Kate grinned the first time her friend participated in negotiations, raising deals much more favorably for the bride. By mid-season, Penelope will be ready to go on her own. Which will be good because next season, Edwina debutes. Kate will have to focus on her while Penelope takes on the majority of the negotiation calls. When Edwina is settled then Kate can fully jump back in. Which hopefully shouldn't be too hard, Kate knows Edwina will be popular, so it's just a matter of sorting the good men from the rakes. After that Kate can fully focus on her business.

It will all go according to plan.

[gakmaurepot]

My PCs on various saves~

Rambles below

Alice and Ellis are just alternate versions of the same person. But i'm thinking of making them twins or something.

Alice feels like she's an empty person. She acts the way she thinks others would want her to act, saying and doing things to get the best advantage out of the situation. All is about money in the end. She doesn't even spend it on anything for herself other than clothes, just to pay debt and fund construction eveywhere.

She has no hobbies, no dreams but to survive, no real life goals and is as dependant to robin as he is to her, although she's pretty sure she loves him the most, she sometimes silently resents him for the double payment, because she thinks he's not trying hard enough when she's out risking her life for him everyday. Also the way he more often than not won't stood up for her in dire situations like with bailey or whitney. I like my fluffy ship a bit bittersweet..

She does like being near sydney but is ashamed of her own behaviors she thinks are unholy, so she kept a distance from him. She fights whitney on sight. About kylar.. she is weak to pathetic people so she protects him from bullies every time yet.. he's kinda making it hard for her to defend his more freaky stuff, she knows of his stalking and arrow shooting but is somewhat happy for the protection and free money (?) She wanted to be protected once in a while because all these years she is the one doing the protecting, she's probably about to snap one day

She gets hurt a lot physically and mentally, so she frequently gets sent to the hospital. She hated going there, but she never learned to fix her bad habbits. Harper is fascinated and thinks of her like an adorable guinea pig, that likes to hiss and bite, or something.

She miserably yearns to be held normally by a parental figure. Her relationship with bailey, avery and morgan is the farthest thing from that, though. Still, she strangely upped her efforts sometimes solely for their validation.

Hawk thinks she's her wife and she just goes along with it. She visits her once a month. While Alice knew the hawk is not malicious, the situation is just too weird for her to process.

She never encountered the wolf or eden, for now. She gets the f out at the slightest bad feeling in the forest, this way she also almost never really confronted the wraith. (Habits of staying up all night) (they still hunt her though because of the necklace)

At first i gave her red eyes because rabbit but perhaps it has something to do with the wraith.

Recently i've started the farm quest so maybe i will add more lore.

I'm thinking she'd have a few outcomes at the end, happy end with robin where they killed bailey and escaped the town somehow, living normally somewhere not here. Happy? End with hawk where she never left the castle forever. Happy??? end with her settling in the assylum as harper's nurse. Bad? End with her just spirited away by the wraith and was never seen again, etc.

About my PC2, Odette, she is a bit older than Alice, she acts like her big sister figure. But one day she's just, gone, sold to the farm. Her hair turned white because of stress, She escaped at one point but never returned to the orphanage. Alice and everyone else thinks she's dead. She just lives at the home of a certain huntress... they're pretty happy together, maybe.

[autisticlee]

can there be a service for autistic people (maybe even other disabilities too) that's kind of like an aide or helper or assistant, but more of a casual friendly type thing? basically people volunteer to be paired with autistic people who don't have friends and struggle to make them and their job is to be our friend as in go places with us, play games, chat, etc. whatever friends do. but they are contractually obligated to stick with it and not hurt or abandon us, but work with us. maybe invite us to hang out with their friends. we can try different people to see who we best fit with. then maybe that person sticks with one of us and not multiple so they dont play favorites and neglect us or get overwhelmed or something.

it's a volunteer job and they don't get paid because all they're doing is being a friend and doing normal things that doesn't deserve pay lol. why should you get paid to pretend to be someone's friend? do it because you want to support someone who needs you, nit because you think it will be an easy job to make money. and friendship isn't a job. that weeds out people only doing it for money and not trying very hard or quitting when they think it's too hard and abandoning the person they were paired with. and that way it's a free service for us since most of us are poor. but they probably need to get some education as well, and we go over our own specific needs and expectations so they know what we need and expect from them, how to work with us, and what they should expect from us. they could work with counselors so if there are any problems they can't handle and are worried about us, we can get a check in or something. but generally, this would be good for very social and friendly people who like to help others and are open minded, accepting, and kindhearted. (which is getting increasingly hard to find in my experience...)

it would be hard to find the right people, but that's why it's good to have meetups and try to find the right match. because sometimes I think that, even if I dont relate to the neurotypical/allistic/abled people, it might be helpful to have someone who can navigate the social situations for me and let me just follow along and be included in things. someone I can ask to go to a convention with me and they can be my voice and keep me company and lead me, while having fun themselves. or someone who invites me to a party with their friends and let's me mostly ait in their room with their cat, but occasionally step out to listen to their conversation and laugh with them. I can absorb their fun energy and have more fun, feel included, but have the space i need, because they are willing to work with me, support me, and acccept me, my needs, and my boundaries.

other autistic or in general ND and disabled people are cool and all, but when they also struggle like I do, we end up not talking to each other becasue we don't know how or cant. we often don't get along because differences that get in the way ("im autistic and I can do that why don't you just do it too" -a real life example that I experienced) or we cant meet each other's needs or struggle with boundary issues. maybe we both need help and can't help each other. or if the other does help it burns them out so fast they are miserable (like my one friend who always has to speak for me and then shes burnt out for months after and cant even talk to me over text....we used to be so close. now we barely talk 🥲). or they don't want to do the things I want to do, like going out somewhere, and rather watch TV all day when I hate doing that.

it would be nice to have someone to consistently rely on to help me out with doing "normal" things no one else will do with me because i'm too autistic for them, or they are too disabled to deal with me. I know people aren't obligated to be my friend or do things with me. so that's why a "job" for this would be great, so someone IS more obligated to do it. because i'm so incredibly lonely and exhausted and losing my mind over having not a single person to turn to or rely on 🥲

does that make sense?????

[fondwand]

so I love my mum a lot and we can get on really well, like I'd die for her, but my gosh... sometimes the boomer really shows in that gal. she's always been really supportive of my desire to be a published writer but like ever since I was a little child talking about this she would always be like 'okay just remember it doesn't pay well, just keep that in mind' and I'd emphasise that... I know that, I'm under no allusions that writers are rich and never have been, I'm not doing it for money. and now I'm older and she's supporting the choices I make and stuff, she's letting me go at my own pace and that makes me feel really secure with her, so I'll end up sharing that I'm writing fanfic currently while I work a soul crushingly boring job for the summer bc it makes me happy. at first she's like, that's cool! and will ask me loads of questions or whatever and then she'll just suddenly be like, 'oh but remeber you can't just write fanfjction you have to write real stuff because fanfic can't make you any money'

MOTHER, I KNOW! sometimes we do things for joy, not for money! sometimes we don't build our entire lives and existences around accumulating wealth! sometimes we'd rather have the happiness than the overflowing bank account!

I just.... life has been really shit and writing fanfic makes me happy. isn't that enough? I'm already working a job that's effecting my mental health to make the money you're obsessed with. why do you need to immediately pick at something and push me towards a life (working 'stable' jobs even if they make me miserable bc of money) I've been expressing for 15 years that I don't want? I've talked about socialism, about what I value in the world, about how I plan to live my life so I'm happy and not exhausted and having a major burnout before retirement (like her!) and yet she always just shoves it down and pushes her worldview onto me. as if we still live in the world she grew up in, and as if I want to live in that world even if we did. like, I don't want to waste my life reaching for a measure of wealth or safety that I'll never achieve bc the whole system is literally built against me! I'd rather be poor, and happy, and writing for the sake of writing and not for the sake of.... what? soulless capital? I'm already sad enough, mate.

I just hate the way that people think that the only value art has the capital it can accrue for someone.

[nightinghoul]

Real personal post about my life, because sometimes people are judgmental:

I'm a feminist: I believe women should have the same job opportunities as men. I believe all genders should receive equal pay. I believe women can be independent without men. I believe men should feel safe to be sensitive. I believe all women are real women, and that includes transgender women. I believe colors, clothing, hairstyles, hobbies, and careers should not be gendered.

Having said that, my husband does take care of me. And I did leave home to be with him. That is, I moved out of state just to strike out on my own, but I stayed there for him.

These are choices I made. I'm still a feminist. I don't believe my way is the only way.

When I moved in with my husband, he had a really good job (air traffic controller), and made enough money to support both of us. I still worked for a while, but I was in a really abusive environment that was making me miserable. Meanwhile, he was exhausted all the time, so I quit my job and took over all the housework and animal care, so he could find rest at home.

When he retired (his job required early retirement), I started working again, this time at an animal shelter where I was very happy. After several years, the dynamic changed, and a coworker started being very nasty to me (He was going through some stuff). My boss refused to address the situation. I tried to just ignore it, but I was also dealing with the fact that animal shelter work is really physical, and my body was breaking down. The last straw was when I injured my neck on the job, and was down for a whole week. I called in and said that was it, I could no longer risk my body at a job that wasn't protecting me from injury or abuse.

My husband and I moved out west, and I started doing pet portraits from home. The first year, I got a ton of commissions, but then things started to trail off. I haven't hustled or chased that dream, because I decided I wanted to write the story that's been in my head for a lot of years. Plus, I have a ton of health issues.

So, my husband supports me financially, which is really great, because physically, I don't know if I could ever work again. It's possible that if I didn't have him, I would have to file for disability. He also helps me with things I have trouble with. He picks up and carries things for me. He subscribed to a meal service, because niether of us cook for several reasons. He drives me places. He keeps track of our money, because I can get very foggy and forgetful, so keeping track of information is really hard.

Do I think every woman needs a man to survive? Of course not. But, I do need my partner to survive. He happens to be a man. And yes, he's older than me and will probably outlive me. We actually talk about that a lot, and are working on planning out how I will live out my older years without his help.

I know some people think I'm naive for trusting a person with my life, especially a man. Sometimes they think it's anti-feminist or anti-woman. It's really just me surviving. And we have had our troubles, but we have worked through them. We continue to work through our personal issues, and grow together. We do love our life together. We have lots of pets that we take care of together. We live our home, and refer to our style as "castle-core". We love many of the same movies. We share values, and taste, and we work well together. In the end, it's the life we both want.

I'm a feminist. But don't think anyone should want to take what others have away from them in the name of feminism, religion, or any other set of beliefs. Feminism means everyone deserves equal opportunities to create the life they desire. It is up to the individual to decide how they want to use those opportunities.

[jodilin65]

Well, the Tingo adventure ended almost as fast as it began because their site is unbelievably glitchy as hell. Never seen anything like it. I guess they’re just seriously understaffed what with how expensive it is to run AI stuff. Unless you’re a huge company like Bing, it’s very hard to afford from what Tom explained to me.

It explains why I was surprised to see so many pitifully old, ugly characters. Some people might find that appealing but that many?

It will no longer let me create characters I want but it will sometimes create randomly generated ones and sometimes I get these old, fat, ugly bitches. So the others I’m seeing on the Discover page probably didn’t intend to create them either but the users didn’t bother to delete them.

Tom signed up using a disposable email since verifications weren’t going to real email addresses for some reason, so I could get 20 coins but then I realized that he didn’t need to sign up. I could have done this myself with a disposable email address.

Anyway, I tried contacting them on their social media accounts and through email but have been ignored. I don’t see how they can expect anyone to want to pay for something so insanely glitchy.

Ray just got in. I like it when he’s out at night because that’s one less chance for him to decide to blast his TV. He’s still been pretty good for the most part, though. Still, I’ll like it better when he and the other snowbirds get the hell out. Two more months!

The planes are back to being annoying in the evening but I’m hoping that’s just because of the heavy cloud coverage due to the rain we’ve had in the last couple of days.

Jessie asked me if I knew any French and I told her that I can read some but never studied it as much as other languages because I don’t like it. She said she and David were thinking of celebrating their 30th anniversary in St Lucia so she thought it would be nice to know some French. I recommended Duolingo to her. I can’t imagine her learning much French, though, because it’s not only a tough language but languages just aren’t her thing any more than their Tom’s thing. She can barely write in her own language. She’s definitely a numbers girl.

Looked on the map and saw that it’s close to Martinique and remembered what my nieces said if you can believe the little bitches. They said it was the worst vacation they were ever on because they hate Americans and were very rude.

Either way, I’m happy for her but a little frustrated for us. I know it’s supposed to be “bad thinking” but hey, sometimes we can’t help how we feel and it’s okay to have our feelings, whatever they are. Our own 30th anniversary is a few months away and I’m going to be bogged down with heavy fatigue after my second shingles shot and even if I wasn’t, we’re too poor to ever vacation anywhere again. I honestly believe that the flight here was our last. I always believed that but at least I got to go to different places and it’s not like I’ve never been anywhere. But they’re still working and we’re retired and you’re usually pretty damn low income when you’re retired. I would still rather have him home and not have money than have money and have him working all the time which I know he would hate. Money is nice but it isn’t everything and it’s not always worth it if you’re just going to be miserable. We’ve got enough to pay our bills but we’re still in debt and I don’t even know if we’ll even be able to do Red Lobster or get some Chinese food. He’s not a fan of either of these, though, so it’s no big deal. We’ll celebrate at home while I deal with vax side effects.

That’s the shitty thing about getting old like I said in my last entry, is that there aren’t many opportunities or surprises in your future. Sure, I may win a trip somewhere or a ton of money but what are the odds of that? Not that life was perfect when we were younger but the door was definitely open to more possibilities in our 20s and 30s and even our 40s and 50s as opposed to me getting close to my 60s and him getting close to his 70s.

I really like using my secondary Facebook account for all kinds of things from journals to pics to random thoughts that I would normally tweet. Maybe I won’t use Twitter much anymore. I decided to hold off on sharing current journals over there until I catch up with copying old stuff over there. I think it would be a bit confusing to go back and forth between old and new stuff.

[loganofthenorth]

It’s…

It’s hard when one of the people you loved the most…

The person you were most afraid to lose;

Turns into the person that cost the most

Grievance.

The person whom now you refuse

To call family.

My Oma loved lighthouses, wine, and shopping.

She spoiled us rotten, and lived a happy life of luxury and love.

She was one of the reasons I believed a happy life was possible.

Oma kept secrets for us and helped me with problems I couldn’t bring to my parents.

Despite being rich for so long, she was always humble.

She was kind, generous, polite.

She’d always listen to my stories,

And when wrong made things right.

She loved my Mom to pieces.

The only thing that ever made them fight;

Was when Oma wanted to do the dishes.

When she was diagnosed with Alzheimers… I knew to be afraid.

I was prepared. Prepared because my great grandmother went through it too.

I prepared myself. In case she forgot me

Forgot my parents

Forgot her mother was dead.

I was prepared to help her remember to take pills,

To listen to her and help her with the changes she was going through.

I wrote and published my first book so that she could see me start the career she always knew I’d achieve.

But now…

Oh, how could I have foreseen this?

I feel so rotten.

I’d rather be forgotten,

Then hate the person she’s become.

She’s forgotten lessons she’d learned,

Lessons like not to judge a person by their colour.

Lessons like women don’t have to remain in the kitchen.

She’s forgotten she isn’t rich anymore like she used to be.

Forgot that Opa spent that money on surgeries and vacations.

She refuses to believe he would do that.

She sometimes forgets that she likes us.

She has dreams her mind tells her are memories,

And then hates us for them.

Well, I say us.

Maybe that’s the worst part.

I say us but it’s not all of us she hates.

Through it all she’s always still loved me.

I should be grateful, but how can I?

When she makes life harder for my mom now than it already was,

And my Dad does everything she says

Even if it follows a four year old’s logic.

My brother leaves his room and meets a passive aggressive, miserable woman snapping at him.

A woman that used to buy him his Pokémon Games and gave him his first bicycle.

She threatened to call the cops on my father once.

Thought he took money which she never even had.

He could have lost his job.

My sister could have lost her house to pay the money Oma thought she had.

Now my father’s Uncle is involved

A man I never knew is being abused by his wife

We think they think they’ll get a lot of money in the Will…

Money Oma doesn’t have.

I thought this year,

This incredibly long year,

Would consist of playing board games, sharing stories,

and overcoming difficulties

with someone I held dear.

Now instead I hide in me room,

Listen closely out of fear.

I don’t trust my unfiltered lips,

I don’t think I can avoid causing ruin and doom.

This complex feeling,

A hatred and guilt,

A grief for someone that’s still alive

But dead to me.

It feels like a phantom lives in my house.

I have to act as if they’re alive.

When she dies I’ll have so much regrets…

But despite my career of make belief,

Despite my ability to hide from my grief,

In real life situations where the truth needs to bend…

I’ve never been good at playing pretend.

[followmythoughts]

a gun 12/9/23

This might seem really depressive and not-me(?) but these are somewhat my real thoughts, just turned it a bit more literature(y) for the sake of this.

It’s almost Christmas. I don’t have the motivation to pour out all my thoughts, let alone write it all but I will try to; because tomorrow, I will probably forget all about this.

It’s Christmas season, it’s where the air starts to get a little bit cold and you have to double your blankets, it’s the season where families from all over the world come rejoice and celebrate the holiday. It’s Christmas, and one thing you associate with Christmas is gifts. I am not gonna lie — I am privileged. Privileged enough to ask for money whenever I want and eat properly everyday. Privileged enough to be given money, clothes and etcetera on Christmas. I am thankful, really, yet sometimes I think that it could’ve been better if they had asked me what I wanted for Christmas so I’d really get what I want. But I backtrack: because I am already blessed with gifts that some people don’t and simply do not have the privilege to have. But not for that only reason, I backtrack because what in the world would be their reaction be if I said I wanted to get a gun?

What would the looks on their face be? Horrified? Terror? Dismay? I’m unable to imagine how their facial expressions would appear in such a situation.

But please, don’t be alarmed. I don’t want a gun for reasons such as wanting to off someone or wreak havoc in this peaceful city. No, it’s simply for me. I’ve always wanted a gun ever since December 2020. That’s where my depressive season started. Dec 2020 until June 2022, I was miserable. Until now, I still am but it’s not as harsh as the past years. It’s coming back though. The depressive state is coming back.

Because of this state, I’ve always wanted a firearm. I hoped for one back then. I cried and cried, wishing that it would just magically appear under my pillow.

The reason is simply and well: you might’ve already figured it out.

Simply because if things felt like hell on earth (again) I can simply grab the gun and off myself. It is a cowardly move, because in an outsiders point of view they would think that, yeah - shouldn’t you, shouldn’t I stay positive? It’s honestly easy for you to say because you were not in my position. There was nothing worse than bawling my eyes every night and pretending stuff was okay in daylight. Pretending I was okay and not rotting inside, faking an appetite and didn’t even bother taking care of myself properly. Mentally and physically. It truly felt like hell on earth because I can still vividly remember sobbing in front of my grandmother — the person who raised me — babbling on how I was so sorry that my family had me and how I truly am sorry for all the inconveniences I have done to their life. I still feel like that sometimes. Deep down, I still do. It was fucking hell because I kept apologizing repeatedly everyday and no one knew a single thing about how I felt. I hugged a blanket tied into a knot, ready to hang but I was a coward, and all I could do was cry.

I had no one for me, not even friends. I was in a private school, and it was expensive. Yet, I stopped attending the online classes. It was my 6th grade classes. The year where I should’ve graduated properly. But I didn’t. My parents wanted me to go to high school so bad but I couldn’t because I had no grades. The school suggested to let us pay 20k for graduation or go back and retake 6th grade.

I wanted to fucking kill myself.

It was already so bad but that was the fucking catalyst. I don’t know where all this sudden depression started, it just creeped on me. Maybe if my cousin hadn’t assaulted me back then, I wouldn’t have grown so early: I wouldn’t have grown up so early, and at such a young age I already had a matured mind. It didn’t help that my younger sister was born when I was still 6 years old. The responsibilities took over my childhood. 7 years old yet I already felt 25. I was spiraling deep inside. We were already struggling financially because of the pandemic and because of me, we had to lose 20k. For what reason? For me to graduate elementary. I told them that I can just retake 6th grade and they don’t have to pay just because of my own foolishness, but the good family they are, they paid because I could’ve been left behind and they didn’t want that to happen to me. So they sacrificed money.

I just wanted to die and disappear.

That’s where the gun comes in. I desperately begged God, or whatever is up there to let me get what I want. I begged for two things: to let me go back in the past, or let a gun magically appear underneath my pillow. I was still foolish. Yes, I matured fast but I was dumb to hope that one of those wishes would come true. I wanted to go back in the past to at least experience my childhood - the one that was taken away from me - just one more time. I wanted to have a gun just so I could end my suffering. Sure 6 years old, and to get a younger sister was alright. It was a huge age gap, and I could’ve managed. But I didn’t. I didn’t know why.

But deep down, I know. I know why. I wanted to be an only child. I wanted to be pampered. I didn’t have it in me to act like an older sister to somebody when I wanted to have somebody. I wanted an older figure.


So, everything - it all stems from me, deep inside.

Why was I born such a fucked up person?

The assault, I was only 5 years old and I didn’t know anything. My cousin did. I lost my virginity at such a young age. He was the one who did it and he was old enough to know what he was doing. I sometimes think that maybe, I could’ve just dreamt it when I was a child because me and that cousin still talk up until now. And he acts normally. Maybe I made it all up? Maybe he forgot? Maybe he’s playing dumb like I am? Maybe it was just a horrible dream? If it was a dream, then why do I still remember and feel so vividly?

Thanks, ya, for being one of the reasons on how I became like this. As I’m typing this, I hear ur voice outside and it sickens me to see you act so happily, not knowing (or maybe you know) that you ruined a child’s life.

I was in such a depressive state, that I just wanted to end it all. Up until now, I still do, but this feeling isn’t as harsh as to how I felt back then. Everything changed when face to face classes returned. I was afraid at first, not knowing how to socialize but as time passed by, I warmed up. I returned to the old pandemic me. The 2019 me, the real me. But due to the pandemic, It ruined parts of me that I still can’t fix and maintain such as my teeth. It’s one of the reason of my low esteem right now. I hate the pandemic, yet it serves as an extreme comfort. The reason to why I survived the pandemic was due to my discord friends and anime. You might call me a weirdo but they were genuinely the reason to why I didn’t give up.

Fast forward to 2023 Christmas. I’m not okay. This state has been coming back lately and I feel like absolute shit these days but it’s fine. It has gotten better before. It will get better again. There are some instances, like right now, where the old me slips through and I find myself desperately begging for a gun just so when I can’t take it anymore I have the easy way out. (And traumatize my family, lol. Imagine their faces when they wake up to see myself covered in blood with a gun in my hand) It’s a coward move but thats how all I’ve learned. To be a coward. So please don’t blame me.

I’m sorry to my family. I’m so sorry that I have been an inconvenience all this time and I am a lazy worthless piece of shit but I hope you guys know that I’m trying. Mental health really is a bitch sometimes. I am trying, really. It takes time so please be patient with me. I don’t know when everything will start to get better again but I wish that someday, one day, the time will come where I don’t remember the feeling of being miserable anymore.

It has gotten better before. It will get better again.

Sincerely,

Chaessel Anne Mhae V. Arisgado

11:30 PM DECEMBER 9 2023 SATURDAY

[kratomkittycat]

Journal entry (03/11/2023) : the beginning of week 2 without kratom extract

I have been without kratom extract and on suboxone since Thursday, March 2nd.

In my last journal entry, I talked about how much I struggled when I was in active kratom extract addiction. I wrote that now, I actually feel better than I did when I was on kratom extract. This is because I’m not taking something 5 times a day that only makes me feel good for an hour and a half each time and the rest of the day I’m miserable. I wrote about how before MAT, even when I tried to take tolerance breaks I mostly only lasted a few hours and craved kratom extract so intensely that it’s painful, and how now I don’t get those types of cravings (what a miracle).

I also wrote about how I still get sad sometimes despite all this, and still have to feel my real feelings at times, which can be very painful. I made a plan to practice my coping strategies and update my therapist with my progress, as well as writing down my roses and buds for each day, going to my recovery skills group every week and trying AA meetings.

Since my last post, I have been practicing coping strategies every day to try to deal with my real feelings when they come, whether it’s taking a bath, stretching and doing jumping jacks, video chatting a friend, or planning for my vacation coming up. My therapist says I’m doing great with my commitment to practice.

On Thursday, I attended my first Recovery Skills zoom group. So far, it went well and the people were nice. We talked about how hard addiction is to treat, and how even suboxone isn’t a magic bullet; it takes work. I told them that I was thinking about trying AA Meetings, and they thought it was a great idea.

That night, after the group, I went to a music show at a restaurant with my friends. I dressed up as Barbie to celebrate Barbie Day. I was unfortunately in a bad mood for a big chunk of the celebration. But then, when I took my dose of suboxone, I felt a lot better. I might need to work on timing my doses better to prevent that from happening, but I know that eventually I will need to find other ways to help my mood.

I still find it very hard to deal with my current situation and history of trauma, being discredited, and being treated badly. Something that’s been bringing that up a lot for me lately is work, because they treat me badly there and say mean things. But this is the highest paying job I could find. Other companies pay around minimum wage and I’m making much more, so the bad treatment is just the price I have to pay for the money. The suboxone has been helping soothe the pain of my boss’s and work mentor’s words though.

Yesterday I went to my first AA Meeting. At first I was hesitant to go. The teacher of Thursday’s group did warm me about how many people feel about suboxone. I even read many people’s comments on the internet saying that taking suboxone to treat a kratom addiction is like taking meth to treat a coffee addiction. I didn’t know how people would react to my drug of choice being kratom extract; I thought people would think I’m “child’s play.” But two friends I have who are also in recovery encouraged me to go and said that they don’t think anyone will think I’m “child’s play.”

I went and it went really well. There were speakers talking about how much AA helped them and how they have been sober for decades. In between speakers, people noticed I was new and started introducing themselves to me. One lady even gave me her number.

My plan for this week is to time my suboxone doses better so that I don’t find myself in a bad mood when I’m supposed to be having fun, as well as going to next weekend’s therapy session, Recovery Skills Group, and the same AA Speaker meeting. I might even try a discussion AA meeting tonight. As far as coping skills go, I will keep doing the ones I’ve been doing and this time, really observe how I feel before and after. I will also try to listen to uplifting songs when I’m down and see if those help.

I am hoping to have a clean room that is decorated for Spring before next weekend, as well as having most of my shopping done for the vacation.

[loserforlove]

Just going to try this thing, and see if saying it out loud (or on blog) makes me feel any better about this. I mean to be fair this love has been dead for a while, and small changes have made it last longer than it should have. And I mean I am a major role in this I mean I am 50% of the relationship so therefore I am 50% of the problem, but sometimes its just hard to admit, or I guess accept. I don't know I think the thought of being happy with one person just does't seem real, people evolve and people change how can people just be with someone through all of this and it just never change. I mean I don't know I haven't been happy for a while and it's just fallen into a routine, I have used the whole "getting fit and being healthy" thing as an a coverup for the relationship failing, but it did prolong this for a good two months. But like truthfully this is a shit show, and we don't belong together, in the beginning he took care of me, yes he did but he is 15 years older than me and I was just an immature little kid who just wanted to drink and party, and now I am here 7 years later and I have changed while he hasn't. I am the one cooking, cleaning, shopping, and spending all of MY money on this household of 2 people, and that just doesn't sit well with me because what am i getting out of this relationship in that case. I mean I get up and he is gone for work already, normally didn't even lock the front door to our house so it's just open, so i get up and get dressed for work, pickup the toothpaste he couldn't bother to put up, and then I get ready for work, and go to work and work 9 hours and then he barely talks to me even when I am nice and check m ( I get it his job is more demanding and busy and I just sit at a desk but I mean checking in is just the effort I ask for) and I mean then I get off and I drink an extra 30 minutes to get to the gym, and then I work out for 45-60 minutes and then I drive 20 minutes home and then when I get home, I have to wash the dishes from my lunch, and then I have to shower and do my skincare (part of the better healthy me journey) and then when I am done, he has done nothing buy lay on the couch and do nothing, and then I clean up a little bit, and then I am left to cook dinner and then after that I just go to bed and play on instagram or tik tok because I literally don't even talk to my boyfriend oh and I say boyfriend because while we have been togetger for 6 YEARS ALMOST 7 there has never been HIM bringing up a future or like a marriage or anything and honestly I deserve better than this. and to think I chose this over others who would have given me everything I wanted. Also like this is just a toxic situation because I mean I have done things for him that I haven't done for anyone, and my credit card debt is crazy for the money that I give him and I have to pay off and I get no help, sure he pays for us when we got to the bar, like I do not want to go so he has to pay or I won't go, but like also I pay for everything and I am just tired of life at this point. Tired of being miserable tired of being sad, tired of being alone when I am not alone, and the worst part I can never find anyone else, because I have gained so much weight, got a pixie cut and no one else will want me, not even like my current relationship wants me but no one else will either. I am tired of being depressed and not wanting to be alive, i deserve better and i deserve to be happy, this is just what is takes for me to realize this. I hope you stick around on this journey and we all figure out that we deserve better and that we are going to be okay. A relationship doesn't define anyone!

[violetsystems]

#personal

I've been focused on my cat the last couple of weeks but she is doing better. Through a lot of observation and intervention, I figured out diet was a large factor. Now she's jumping around onto things four times her height as if she never did before. But she is obsessed with new games I'm trapped into playing. Some sort of mutation of fetch and ring toss. Make me run the full length of the apartment. She has no shortage of energy and my attention has been less focused on the bad news. And there is a lot of it. Outside of this apartment at least. When I do focus on the small things I can control I see results. And then there's places where I see nothing but flippancy. I don't know how else to write about it anymore. It's like an authority throwing caution to the wind just to fuck with you at the risk of jeopardizing their entire narrative. I'm just supposed to sit back, observe and grow increasingly worried that this is just the way it is. I applied for a job at a restaurant. It's a major step down from what is on my resume in title and pay. I don't even know if they'll call back. But the situation with me being invisible has a real, visible toll whether I handle it cool or not. Trust me. I get how handling things cool around your hood can sometimes work in your favor. Being a cool person on the internet without having to explain myself is a life goal. I've always tried to handle myself In a way that would be admirable to people I care about. But if I could break the fourth wall gently without all the trauma for a second. I totally understand my singular situation is something only I can really influence or fix. And I totally get that there's things completely out of my control that I shouldn't bother to understand. But there's a very clear linear break between what I understand and what continues to go on outside of whatever trust I've cultivated. And that's where it gets stressful. Trying to figure out after all these years of suffering. Who is on my side? Outside of writing I don't really get all that personal with anyone. That's the gift of being a good writer. You don't really care about the audience. It's how you paint the picture. How you frame the moments around you. The ones where you don't feel like you could blink out of existence. The memory you live every day to a point where it's taunted in front of you like a puppet on strings. I feel real psychological damage just thinking about how to explain what people in my city try to do. I'm down this very long and dark rabbit hole where I've burrowed too far to worry about leaving for the wrong reasons. But what I feel. When I stop worrying about the things precious to me. Is still something far from happy. Although the immediate surroundings bring comfort. It's like being in the Shire. You can sense the eye in the distance and it taints everything you try to forget.

I've always tried to be just me. You have my word. It is my word alone. It's been harder to express this when I was forgotten about so freakishly. Like I'm some wandering art piece or performance itself. I'm just some guy on the internet like everyone else. I connect with people because I'm me. Not because I'm some authority. Or cop. Or political figure. Or famous rock star. I am literally out here trying to communicate with the void instead of shying away from it. And it's left me scarred in ways nobody really will ever see. And the grim reality that I face is that if it has been this long. Two and a half years. Four. Five. Whatever. There's miserable people with power and money who can just wander into your public space like nothing ever happened. And I can walk away like you must have mistaken me for someone who cares. I do fear a lot of things. When your main reference on a resume is parading in front of you at the dispensary on a work day. Somebody you used to manage, yes? I can't hide. I don't even know what I'm hiding from. Because you guessed it? I'm just some guy. Does this sound crazy to read? How do you think I feel writing about it for years and then just humbly realizing that it was all more or less confirmed. As much as anything is confirmed in my life. I didn't get a memo from corporate. Because you guessed it. I'm just some guy. I didn't even get paid to write this because after how many years of having my tips connecting to my business checking? I have received no income. From anything. I literally have wanted to work. To feel less useless. To feel like what I do matters. And I have been shit kicked every fucking step of the way to the point where fading away managing some sushi restaurant sounds human. And in even that. I do not know that I will be acknowledged as somebody worth anything other than a wink, a nudge, and a silent promise to completely give up your entire life for someone. The last part is fine with me. And probably easier to trust when you've met the right people and click. I have met the wrong people over time. And those people connected to more of the wrong people and now stare back at me like I'm the problem. I am literally just some guy. An intelligent one with a rugged nature and a deceptively positive attitude. But you bring it to me out here on the Internet and put my name on the dark web and what did you accomplish? You fucked with some guy from the lower west side of Chicago. A place you would piss your tight ass jeans if you had to stand unattended.

Not saying I don't like it here. Here being where I live and Tumblr. Both of those places I feel are safe for me. Even when there's some nut job on the periphery it just doesn't register. I'm like some secret frisson people want to have on the tip of their tongue not knowing the weight of. And it cuts me deeply that after writing all this incredible crap, nothing really has changed. Other than silent agreements I seem to have seem firmer and people's behavior out there gets riskier. Let me tell you about risk. Then let me tell you about reward. You don't go all in like me in any respect. And I'm not talking balls deep in stonks or fantasy football. When you live this shit you write and read about. You wake up to days like these as just some guy thinking to yourself how useless you are. Not useless enough to help an animal get healthy. Or to fix your neighbor's water heater over the phone with the help of the landlord. Or to be out here with an actual dead ass true story about how people want to ignore some guy at his expense. I'm still here and still me. Whatever it is the real world wants to do with it. I'm here to tell you. It doesn't get there through osmosis. And people do risk real things like time, freedom, money, and identity just to help push things through. I know what being a hero is like. And it hurts to say because if you knew the price you would have never paraded around in the uniform. The cape. You wouldn't unashamedly try to save a world that was a sinking ship. And learn to sail the seas of it. If it's a pirate ship I sail, I'm still just one guy right now. Legally on paper. One guy that everyone thinks they're so much better than. Enough to walk all over without ever accounting for the risk. That what if that one guy was right about everything. And that made you fucking wrong. Everybody risks something being wrong. And the way I see it. There isn't really a way to prove me wrong when you don't want to acknowledge the truth of it. It's a weird place to be. A sort of strategic ambiguity or stalemate. People hanging on a word or a next move. My next move was to apply for a job at a sushi restaurant. And if you think that's failure. I have a country to sell you. Risky investment for sure. But look how much time I've put into it. <3 Tim

[khaleesiofalicante]

I found this on my laptop?

Magnus frowned at Maia but she didn’t bat an eye. Alright, he thought, it was time to bring out the big guns.

He pouted at her.

“So, I can’t give free drinks to any cute people?” he asked, leaning against the wooden counter.

“Nope,” Maia replied shortly.

Huh. Maybe the pout needed more voltage.

“But what if they are super cute?” Magnus asked, pouting even further. “Like Chris Pine cute?”

“Still nope,” Maia shook her head.

“Are you telling me that if Chris Pine walks in here tonight, I can’t offer him a free drink?” Magnus asked incredulously.

Maia sighed, half tired and half exasperated. “I can assure you that Chris Pine is not going to walk into this bar on a Sunday night.”

She paused and looked at Magnus seriously.

“He better not walk into this bar when I am not bartending,” Maia said. “I will be so fucking pissed if that ever happens.”

Magnus wondered how much it would cost him to hire Chris Pine to visit the bar on Maia’s birthday.

“What’s the point of running a bar if you don’t get to give free drinks to cute people?” Magnus gestured at the patrons.

It was Sunday night and Hunters Moon was buzzing with anyone who hated Mondays – which was pretty much everyone.

“The point is to make profit so I can pay off my student loans,” Maia answered and slammed the cash register with a loud thud – she could be a little extra sometimes.

“You had to guilt me with the student loans, didn’t you?” Magnus pouted, for real this time. “Capitalism is a bitch.”

“Magnus, you don’t have to-”

He jumped over the counter in one smooth motion and put a finger on her lips. Cute people come and go – but friends are forever.

“I promised I will take over for you tonight,” Magnus smiled. “I won’t give anyone free drinks – even if they are Chris Pine cute. I promise.”

“Just for a couple of hours okay?” Maia said, as she picked up a napkin from the cupboard, probably hoping to clean the counter for the hundredth time. “It’s mostly just kids from the nearby campus. You can close up by 11.”

He smiled at her and took the napkin from her hands and put it over his shoulder. “Maia, I’ve got this. I just need to look pretty and serve alcohol. I’ve been doing that might my whole life. Just ask my dad.”

“Magnus, your jokes are more depressing than they are funny,” Maia pointed out, looking rather concerned.

“Hush, you!” Magnus shushed her. “Now why don’t you go back to the apartment and prep for the interview with the bank tomorrow?”

Maia was applying for a loan so she can renovate Hunters Moon to make it bigger and better. He wished he had the money to make her dream come true – but he didn’t. So he had decided to help her in whatever way he could. If that meant serving alcohol to redheads and Star Wars nerds with what were clearly fake IDs, Magnus didn’t mind one bit.

“You are the best-est,” Maia smiled and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. “You are sure you can handle it, right?”

“Maia, I know my way around alcohol,” Magnus reminder her again. “I once drank so much gin that I almost got married to a plate in Poland. Or was it in Philippines? It was a country starting with P. I remember that much.”

“If that anecdote was supposed to make me feel better, it failed miserably,” Maia groaned, shaking her head.

“The only thing that can make you feel better is some hardcore prepping for your interview tomorrow,” Magnus informed her. “Now off you go. I’ve got this.”

He turned around, already taking orders from a blonde girl in a leather jacket. He saw Maia exiting the counter and picking up her backpack. She turned around and gave him a fond smile.

“One drink,” she said. “You can give one free drink.”

“One?” Magnus said in disbelief. “But there are so many cute people here!”

Maia put her backpack over her shoulder and winked at him. “Then you better find the cutest of them all – and it better not be Chris Pine!”

Magnus pouted at the door, which closed after her. He looked around the bar once more - the small cozy space which will hopefully be a big cozy space in the future. It was full of cute people alright. But how could he just choose one of them? It seemed like an impossible mission.

“Alright cutest of them all, show yourself!” Magnus announced dramatically, half joking and half wishing.

Right on cue, the front door bell jingled and two ridiculously good looking people walked in. They looked like students – but Magnus did not make that assumption based on the usual signs like the dark circles under their eyes or the ramen stains on their t-shirts.

These two were actually carrying a pile of giant text books as they found a corner booth and settled down. Magnus was trying to figure out which one of them was cuter when the door opened more and his quest to find the cutest of was settled – probably forever.

The man wore a simple gray sweater and had dark floppy hair that fell just above his eyes. Magnus wanted to know whether he didn’t comb his hair or didn’t know how to.

And his face. Oh my god, his face. 

It was cute. Probably the cutest thing Magnus had ever seen – which is really saying something because Magnus had once attended a cat fashion show a couple of years ago.

The cute, no – cutest – guy’s face scanned the space, searching for someone – probably his girlfriend, if Magnus’ past luck was anything to go by. Even if this cute stranger turned out to be miraculously and conveniently gay, he was probably still here to meet up his boyfriend.

Magnus was used to his shitty luck.

The man’s eyes stopped on him and his mouth parted open, forming a slight O. He shook his head, his ridiculously cute hair flopping around making him look even cuter. The man started looking around again, this time more urgently.

“Face!” he yelled at someone. Or may it was Trace. Magnus couldn’t hear him over the patrons.

Mr. Cutest of Them All walked towards the two ridiculously good-looking students and immediately started gesturing aggressively at the counter. The two students peered over at the counter – at him? – and pointed at their books.

The man sighed and put his face in his hands. Clearly the three of them were dealing with some sort of personal drama. Magnus, despite wanting nothing but to talk to the cute guy, decided to give them space.

For now, he decided to do his job as promised and started taking and making more orders. One hour down, Magnus had successfully poured drinks, breaking zero glasses – although he did break a couple of hearts when he refused to give them his number.

They should really blame the stupid cute guy who was now brooding in the corner booth. The two mysteriously good-looking friends – friends? – seemed to be reading (studying? In a bar?) their giant textbooks in silence.

The blonde one did come over to get a couple of beers but didn’t say much. Magnus wondered if it would be a good idea to send over a drink to their table. Maia did say he could give one free drink after all and he didn’t think no one cuter could walk into that bar tonight – or any other night for that matter.

The bar was starting to empty out slowly as Maia had promised although the corner booth remained the same. Magnus shrugged and decided to clean up the counter since he had to close up in half hour. He was looking for Maia’s cleaning cloth – which she probably should wash more often – when someone loudly and awkwardly cleared their throat.

Magnus turned around to find the cute guy sitting on one of the bar stools, his fingers clasped neatly on the counter before him.

If he had thought the other man was good looking before, he didn’t have words for what he was feeling right now. Magnus could actually see his clearly now. His face, pale but beautiful – like porcelain that you want to caress at first sight. His blue eyes were so deep and enchanting and would definitely give Chris Pine run for his money.

The counter was empty, and so was the bar mostly, but one customer was still a customer. So Magnus decided to stop thirsting and starting pouring – alcohol, just to be clear.

“What can I get you?” Magnus asked, putting on his best smile.

No harm in smiling, right? It was just good customer service.

Okay he might have also unbuttoned one (or two) or his buttons while he pretended to look for something but that’s mostly because New York can be ridiculously warm in…January.

Whatever.

“Can I get a Cake by the Ocean, please?” the man asked.

“A what?” Magnus blinked.

“A Cake by the Ocean?”

“Uh, I don’t know how to make one of those,” Magnus replied helplessly.

Great his first impression on his cute stranger was that he was a loser who didn’t know fancy alcoholic beverages.

“I am sorry,” Magnus said quickly. “I am not a professional bartender. I am just covering for a friend. But I can look it up on the internet and see if I can make it for you.”

“No worries,” the man smiled, and Magnus wanted to kiss him. “It smells like orange juice and vodka. But also tastes like cranberries, I think? Oh – and peach schnapps!!”

“Hold on,” Magnus said slowly. “Are you talking about a Sex on the Beach?”

The man blinked at him once and then twice. His eyes widened in realization and he face palmed and groaned so hard that his friends looked over at the counter in concern.

“Oh my god, I am so sorry,” the man said, his voice muffled by his hands. “This is so embarrassing.”

“It’s really not,” Magnus smiled. Can this guy get any cuter?

“Why would anyone even call a cocktail that?” the man complained. “It’s a terrible name.”

“It was actually coined by this guy from Florida. He was asked by a peach schnapps company to create a cocktail featuring their product. So he made this,” Magnus gestured at the cocktail he was currently making, “He named it Sex on the Beach because most of the spring breakers who visited Florida at the time were looking for sex or the beach. It was really good marketing strategy to be honest.”

Cute guy looked both impressed and surprised at the same time. Cute guy looked cuter.

“I didn’t expect you to offer me an explanation and definitely not a comprehensive one at that,” the man said. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Magnus winked – because of customer service.

“You said you are covering for a friend,” the man after a minute of silence. “So how do you know about the sex on the beach thing? Do you happen to know random details about random alcoholic beverages?”

“While that would certainly look excellent on my resume, unfortunately no. My knowledge of alcohol is limited to mixing cocktails and making hangover cures. But I was a linguistics major at Columbia. I spent an entire semester on etymology. I may have a little obsession about discovering the meaning of things. So I happen to know random shit like this.”

“That’s actually pretty cool,” the man smiled again.

“I am glad you think so,” Magnus said genuinely. “My dad doesn’t see the point of pursing linguistics.”

“Most parents don’t understand the purpose of learning for passion,” the man pointed out. “They think we need to get a degree so we can get a job. They don’t really care if we like what we to learn or enjoy what we do.”

Magnus blinked.

The man was not only breathtakingly beautiful but also eloquent and deep.

“I agree,” Magnus replied. “But if we are going to talk about our parents, we need something stronger than a cocktail with orange juice.”

The man chuckled.

Magnus used to think that the most beautiful sound in the world was the sound a cocktail mixer makes when you are getting yourself booze after a long day at work – or short day at home.

But now he wasn’t so sure.

Maia can think whatever she wants – but if his depressing jokes can get another laughter out of the mystery man it would be worth it.

“Alec,” the man said, now smiling.

“Short for Alexander?” Magnus smiled back.

“Yep,” Alec nodded.

“Do you know the etymology of your name?” Magnus asked, as he waved at the last patrons – other than Alec’s friends – who were leaving the bar.

“It means protector, right?” the man guessed. “For Alexander the Great or something.”

“Actually it goes further back,” Magnus corrected, glad they were talking about etymology and not something like…baseball. “It was actually an epithet given to the Greek goddess Hera. She was a total badass. You should be flattered.”

“Well then, consider me flattered,” Alec grinned.

[spacetwinks]

It's good to see you on here! I've always wanted to ask you as a long-time follower, first-time caller just how you deal with Twitter and all the dumb bullshit that goes with it? Specifically not caring about what people say about you, follower count, amount of positive reactions to your posts, etc.

It feels like Twitter has legitimately affected my mental health because all I ever get exposed to on there is CONSTANT negativity. Even from folks I generally tolerate. I would love to just stop using it, but everytime I try it feels like I'm missing out on a lot. Plus it's where most of my friends are.

How do you shut out the voices in your head that make that website a goddamn nightmare?

part of it is just curation of who you're following, actively muting certain terms and phrases that might make things bad for you in your head, having a locked account for venting shit (this is one i think is crucial because sometimes you still want to post just to get bad energy out of you but you need a space where it won't be seen by EVERYBODY - maybe just a few people, or maybe even just yourself, tho in the latter i'd recommend getting a regular ass journal for that purpose), all that sort of regular social media stuff but part of it is for me, personally... i just had a break a long time ago with wanting to be The Funny Guy.

because i’m me, this is gonna get long. bear with me.

it's something i actually brought up forever ago on tumblr itself, and how i approached this platform in contrast to my existence in other online spaces before it, my approach would be I Just Post. from serious shit to funny shit to dumb shit, i just let it out of my head, emptying it out. in times WAY long ago in my personal life i would want to be The Funny Guy because that was how i saw myself as having value, which pushed me into unhealthy patterns, needing to 'perform', needing to be 'on', and losing my own sense of value if i wasn't making people laugh, wondering if i'd be pushed out of friendships or social spaces if i let my true self out. i'd keep all sorts of my real feelings inside of me and just simmer with awful thoughts because i had to be The Funny Person, at least that's how i thought of it at the time.

so i fucking ditched it. it wasn't healthy for anybody, not for me, not for the people who came to see me as The Funny Guy either and what preconceptions they might have of me because of it. this also lead to giving less and less of a shit about having high follower counts or whatever. people get it really twisted 1. what a high follower count *actually* is and 2. what it means, materially, for the person who has it. i got 27k on twitter and to someone who doesn't have 1k followers on twitter, yeah, that'll seem like a lot, but here's the thing:

follower counts don't pay bills. follower counts don't help you eat. the only time these numbers are materially useful to me in any way is when i have something new to sell, a twine, a pack of photos, or whatever. and even then, i still have to regularly advertise that stuff, because this relative high follower count doesn't automatically translate to success, to money, whatever. a lot of the people following me are a lot like me: they do not have a lot of money to pass around. this isn't the pre-'08 crash era where we're all tossing 5 bucks at some webcomic's paypal donation bar to get some 800x600 computer wallpapers, everything costs more and everybody has less disposable income. people with a lower amount of followers have, i think, an understandable assumption that high follower count = something materially beneficial, but... no, not really. if we all had more disposable income again, maybe.

but we don’t.

and i'd be fucking miserable if i approached my online presence that way too. just trying to get more followers, focusing solely on that above all else, to get bigger to achieve - what? i get a couple more freelance writing job offers that pay 50 bucks to, at most, 300 dollars? fucking god awful, man. that's not a life i wanna live.

also, seriously, digging in more into how 'high follower counts' are relative: it's not just that my numbers are nothing compared to actual literal celebs, but they're also frequently nothing compared to, say, some random fursuiters i might've never seen before, who are, again, themselves nothing in follower count compared to actual celebs. i think sometimes fixate on a random person who SEEMS popular and get lost in how that 'popularity' can be extremely relative. it's good to step outside of it and see where other people are much, much more popular, and then also to check if THAT greater popularity actually translates into something material for the person with it. it's less common than people tend to assume!

same goes for the ‘not caring what people say about me’. it’s not a ‘haters gonna hate’ deal, it’s ‘sometimes people just won’t like you’. some people just won’t like me. that’s fine! maybe it’s because they think my jokes suck, or i post too much/am too longwinded (these are incredibly justified reasons to dislike me in particular, i do post too much and am too long winded), or for whatever reasons. so long as someone isn’t like trying to start shit with me over it, it’s... whatever, y’know? there’s people i just don’t like too. trying to make it so Everyone Likes Each Other or Trying To Make Everyone Like you is disastrous for everyone’s mental health, especially one’s own. i’d very much rather not end up like fucking amanda palmer obsessing over some Guardian reviewer who didn’t like her work, or a YA author finding some student from several years ago mildly dunking on their books in the article of a small town college newspaper and blowing their top over it. and some of those fuckers - like amanda palmer there - actually make a SHITLOAD of money. they could be jet skiing all the time on a private island, but instead they just fuck themselves up over the fact that some random critic didn’t like their music. not healthy for amanda palmer - or for the critic!

other thing about twitter: it’s the fucking Id of social media platforms. no other site is more ‘everyone is just dumping out what they’re feeling with zero thought for curation’ than twitter. it’s just not designed with curation in mind! i’ll post about whatever the fuck comes to mind, because it all gets into the ‘waterfall’ of people’s feed, people EXPECT things to be all over the place on twitter, ESPECIALLY if they follow a lot of people. someone following 2000, 3000 people, and i’m one among them? my thoughts are just one of many, bursting forth and then disappearing into the flooded ether among the rest! i don’t worry about being ‘consistent’ or having a ‘presence’ because twitter isn’t built for it nearly as well as anything else. i talk about depression, beat ‘em up video games, communism, and which version of master splinter i think is the hottest, maybe all of them in the same day, and it’s just fuckin’ whatever. i find it personally so much preferable than trying to ‘be’ some particular performance, like being ‘the funny guy’ how i used to.

also: right now? twitter is gonna be a lotta negativity in particular! the world is in all sorts of fucked up flux emergency states right now and worse yet for many of us there’s no structure in our lives that actually values and gives time for us to pour out our grief and worry and fear in a healthy way and with the dedicated time necessary to do so. it’s all just sorta scrunched into one fucking cube. some people will handle it okay-ish, for various reasons. i think i do okay-ish, largely because i’ve just been extremely online since i was a kid and i’ve absorbed so much poison that i’ve immunized against a lot of it and process it different. other people won’t handle it as okay-ish, and there’s... nothing wrong with that! not the fault with them for not being able to handle it, but the fault of our societal structures that they don’t give us any real means to handle it but just ‘rugged individualism’ bullshit.

if going cold turkey sounds too much for you right now, i’d say instead just take large steps back from it instead of throwing it out completely, cut down your numbers of who you’re following and/or temporarily deploy more tactical mutes, make a locked account for brain venting purposes, and put more time and mental energy into fulfilling hobbies elsewhere during times you’d spend more on twitter.

you can’t eat twitter clout, you can’t pay bills with it, caring about ‘getting big’ on twitter or w/e is bad for the self and for others. dramatically reassess and change how you interact with that website, find ways to do so that are better for yourself, build other means of communities with your existing friends (and making new ones), do what’s right for you. take care, anon.

[dottores]

omg that past hc that was posted about y/n being bullied got me thinking.

roommates!rin and ran who let you braid their hair and anyone that laughs at them can get their asses handed to them (or actually prefer it not that they'll ever let you know)

roommates!rin and ran who try and clumsily make you lunch for school but fail miserably (you still take it and eat it anyways, but make sure to teach them how to cook and it's secretly some of their favorite memories with you)

roommates!rin and ran who sometimes sneaks into your room just to watch you sleep and maybe just a little to make sure you're real and won't leave them in the middle of the night

roommates!rin and ran who make sure that every block not just around your penthouse, but your school belongs to them even if everyone knows that you belong to them

on the flip side

roommate!y/n who (not so) secretly leaves money on their bedside when they first move in just in case they decide to leave her one day (she just wants to make sure they're taken care of if they leave and once the boys found out why she was doing it, they were furious.. but still kept the money someone's gotta pay for ran's new batons and the ridiculous amount of hair accessories you seem to sneak into their hair)

roommate!y/n who will celebrate literally any and every occasion and will take any opportunity to spoil them. and I mean ANY. birthdays, holidays, 1 month anniversary of moving in, 2 months, 3 months... etc. and yes she did it every month until she moved away

roommate!y/n who (also) watches them sleep sometimes to make sure they won't leave but they always know because they wake up with funky hairstyles on those nights

roommate!y/n who makes sure that the boys know that they're loved so they get matching necklaces, a locket with the other's pictures in them

I'm cryin I love their dynamics so much.. even if I'm making it up :)

JSKSKSKJDJSIDI STOP YOU GUYS LITERALLY HAVE MADE MY DAY TWO DAYS IN A ROW WITH THIS 😭😭😭 i don’t think y’all understand it’s the biggest compliment that you love lda yn, rindou n ran enough to start making your own hcs about them, im so giggly n bubbly right now. i love all of them so much all i want is for you guys all to too😭

BUT THE HEADCANONS OMG THEYRE SO ACCURATE PLEASE — rindou and ran A B S O L U T E L U let’s her style them up however she wants, they just sit back and relax and let her do her thing and if someone ever dares say anything to them they’ll beat them have to death because SHE did that for them and they hold everything she gives them so close to their heart 😞 AND MAKING HER LUNCH PLS they would try so hard to do it on their own, they even go to miss yua and mister ayato for help but they just can never get it to taste right 😞 but she still treasures it anyway <3 and yes sobs they would take over all of tokyo if they had to if it meant keeping her safe 😞

AND THE SNEAKING INTO ROOMS ON BOTH SIDE SO SO SO CANON, one night, none of them could fall asleep and they were going to sneak into each other’s rooms to help put them at ease and they ran into each other in the hallway and all 3 of them were like :o jsksjdjs none of them admitted what they were actually doing. the leaving money 😞 she absolutely does, also makes sure there’s extra soap and toothpaste in their bathroom just in case cuz of course she would be heart broken if they left but she still wants them to be able to take care of themselves 😞 AND SHE SO WOULD, sobs she wants to give them the entire world and it’s a gradual thing because neither of them want to feel like a charity case but eventually they get used to her spending outrageous amounts of money on them because it’s how she shows her love and she gets upset when they tell her no

IM GONNA SOB I LOVE THEM SM AND THEY LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH IM SO ILL 😞😭😭

[ilovefandoms102]

The Worst Vacation

Pairing: Drew Starkey x Plus Size Reader

Summary: Your boyfriend surprises you on your vacation with your work friends...

Note: Inspired by my trip to AZ which was terrible so this is kind of based off real events that happened to me but dramatized for the story, and of course inserting my baby daddy Drew😛.

Click here to be apart of my taglist

=====================================

Life works in funny ways…

I never expected to find the love of my life a little over a year ago. Drew came unexpectedly into my life and we instantly had a connection. I know, I know...sounds extremely cliche, but it’s the truth.

Although our relationship was mostly long distance, we made it work. Sure it was really hard sometimes not having him around, but once I graduated from college we planned on moving in together. It might seem a bit fast since we have only been together a year, but I’m ready and I know Drew’s the one I want to spend forever with.

=====================================

I go on vacation with a girl I work with every year, Sally, since I started working with her two years ago. This year, we chose to go to Arizona. I was super excited because we had also planned on going to Las Vegas and Los Angeles.

Drew was extremely supportive and was happy that I was getting the opportunity to travel. I was hesitant with wanting to go at first because I had wanted to save up enough money to visit Drew while he was filming.

However, we both agreed his schedule was too hectic at the time and that we wouldn’t be able to properly spend time with each other. We were both disappointed, but still I was excited to go with my friend.

Or so I thought…

The trip was slowly turning into a disaster, everything that could have gone wrong did. My friend had brought along her niece, Caroline, which I didn’t mind despite not knowing her very well. It felt like the trip was mainly focused on them and I was just there to be the chauffeur.

I called Drew the first three nights of my stay crying because they were so awful to me. Drew being the sweet man he is offered to pay for a flight home, but I declined. I already had spent too much money to not finish out the trip.

“But sweetheart, if you’re not having a good time there’s no point in being there.” Drew pressed, his handsome face lighting up my phone screen.

“I know honey, but I’ve already spent a thousand dollars for this trip. I can’t just come home and leave them here.” I sighed, snuggling further into what would be my bed for another 10 dreadful days.

“I’ll give you the money back angel, I just don’t want you to be miserable when this is supposed to be a relaxing trip.” Drew insisted.

“I’m not taking your money Drew you spoil me enough.” I smiled, wishing more than anything he was lying here with me so I could kiss his cute face.

“I always want to spoil you baby, you mean the world to me.” he professed, grinning widely afterwards.

“I miss you so much,” I whispered, my heart aching to feel his strong arms around me.

“I miss you more,” he whispered back, pouting his lips slightly.

We talked until one of us fell asleep only to call back the next morning. My friends even had the nerve to comment on how much I talked to him.

“It’s a little obsessive...I mean you guys have been together for what a year?” Sally condescended, narrowing her eyes at me.

“Yeah? So what?” I questioned, the annoyance clear in my tone.

“I’m just saying it’s weird.” she scoffed, crossing her arms behind her head as we laid out in the sun by our pool.

“It’s weird for me to talk to my boyfriend?” I asked, making sure I was extra sarcastic.

“Every second of the day...yeah.” she chuckled, making my blood boil even higher.

I chose to be the bigger person however, and just kept to myself.

=====================================

The 5th day of my vacation, I hadn’t heard from Drew the whole day. It worried me, but I was also thinking about what Sally said. Maybe I was being clingy…

A knock on the door startled me from my thoughts. I thought maybe one of the girls had ordered food or something, so I opened the door and my mouth dropped open.

“Hi baby,” Drew greeted, my eyes watering from pure joy.

“Drew! What are you doing here?!” I asked excitedly, throwing myself in his arms.

“I came to see my baby,” he mumbled into my cheek, placing a gentle kiss on the red skin from being in the sun.

“Are you actually fucking kidding me?!” Sally exclaimed from behind us.

“Well nice to meet you too.” Drew mumbled sarcastically while letting go of me but not completely.

“Chill Sally, he’s just here a few days.” I huffed, rolling my eyes as I turned to face her.

“This is supposed to be OUR vacation!” She reiterated, throwing her arms out.

“It still is our vacation,” I emphasized.

“Not when you’ll be all over your boyfriend!” she shouted.

“I barely get to see him as it is Sal, you know that.” I said softly, trying to gain an empathy pass so she would just leave me alone.

“Whatever,” she sighed, clearly irritated as she stomped off.

I paid her no mind since she threw fits all the time like this. I pulled Drew to the room I was staying in, slamming the door shut. Drew threw his stuff by mine, then smirked at me and tackled me on the bed. I let out a little squeal, beaming up at the handsome man that I got to call mine.

“I’m so happy now,” I confessed, biting down on my lip to try and keep my tears in.

“Me too my love,” Drew whispered, sealing our lips for the first real kiss we had shared in a long time.

=====================================

Today was the day we were taking a drive to Las Vegas, which I was very very excited for. It was a nice change to wake up to soft kisses instead of Sally barging in here and demanding I wake up.

“Good morning beautiful,” Drew murmured in his deep morning voice, his kisses continuing their loving assault.

“This is a very nice wake up,” I giggled, snuggling further into him.

Drew hummed in agreement against the skin of my neck, his slight stubble tickling the delicate area. His large hands felt up the curve of my hips, taking my(his) shirt with them.

Drew had always claimed since we started dating that he was obsessed with the wide curves that I hated more than anything. He even said he loved how thick my thighs were, which I never thought in a million years I’d hear come from a man’s mouth.

“I love you, my girl. ” he whispered, my heart fluttering in my chest.

“I love you, my man.” I whispered back.

Our moment was rudely interrupted when Sally banged on the door saying we needed to hurry up. I couldn’t control my eyes from rolling in annoyance as Drew and I untangled from each other. We got ready quickly before making our way to the car to start the four hour trip.

=====================================

The drive was smooth sailing, Drew and I taking turns driving while Sally pouted about having to sit in the back. My hand clenched Drew’s tightly at her sly comments. Luckily, Drew wasn’t having it with her since he knew I wouldn't say anything.

“So this is the guy you’ve been obsessing over for the past year?” she asked snootily, knowing it would irritate me.

“I think it’s more like I’m obsessed with her.” Drew spoke up, squeezing my hand before smiling at me.

“Really? She never shuts up about you.” Sally retorted, raising a challenging brow at him.

“Well, I’m glad because I’m the same way with my friends, they love her.” Drew chuckled, but I could tell he was just as irritated as I was.

We stopped to get gas thankfully or otherwise I would have exploded. I stomped inside to the restrooms, slamming the stall door shut.

I got in the drivers side after I came out, Drew waiting by the door to open it for me. I smiled small at him, getting on my tipey toes to kiss him quickly before getting in.

We finally had made it, but things were not looking good. I had accidentally ended up in the old part of Vegas instead of the main strip, and Sally blew up on me.

“How can you be so fucking stupid is it really that hard to type shit in on a map?!” she screeched.

“It’s not that big of a deal, we're not far,” Caroline commented, annoyed with her aunt's attitude.

“God this is a fucking disaster I don’t even want to be here anymore!” she shouted, my hands gripped the steering wheel tightly. Drew sat in silence, not sure what to do to diffuse the tension.

“God will you just shut up! I don’t know where every fucking place is in the world! This is my first time here just as it is yours, now just shut the hell up and let me concentrate!” I finally snapped, angrily typing on my phone to figure out where we needed to be.

I found where Caesar’s Palace was located, and they just so happened to have free parking as well. I slammed the gas and took us there. Drew and I got out of the car, but Sally and Caroline didn’t budge.

A few minutes later, Caroline storms out of the car slamming the door as hard as she could. She rushed past Drew and I, heading towards the exit.

“I’m sorry y/n, I hate that she treats you like that.” Caroline spoke up once we exited the parking garage.

“I’m used to it, she talks to me like that at work too.” I confessed, Drew whipping his head towards me.

“Y-You never told me that…” he murmured, looking down at me with an almost hurt expression.

I shook my head at him, signaling now was not the time.

=====================================

Sally threw her tantrum, then met us in the Bellagio. We sort of made up, but I did it merely so the rest of the day wasn’t awkward. Drew was quiet, probably still a bit upset with me.

We toured the hotel, the decorative flowers and artistry truly breathtaking. We ended up in front of Hell’s Kitchen where we would be eating later tonight. Drew and I took some pictures together to post on our stories while Sally and Caroline walked towards Caesar’s Palace.

“I wish you’d let me say something,” Drew blurted, sitting on one of the steps with me standing between his legs.

“No Drew, it will just make things worse.” I sighed, leaning into him.

“She’s so mean to you my love, I don’t like it.” he stated, his arms coming around me.

“I’ll be ok baby,” I mumbled, playing with his hair while smiling down at him.

“How about...you and I sneak away.” Drew suggested, tapping his fingers on my hips.

“Then they’d really be pissed,” I chuckled.

“We can just say we got lost.” he shrugged.

“Why do I feel like you’re up to something Starkey?” I questioned, raising my brow at him.

“I may or may not have booked us a room for today.” he grinned slyly, suddenly pulling me tight against him.

“To cuddle?” I teased, smirking as I ran my hands up his chest to the hairs at the back of his neck.

“Well yes...but also to fuck.” Drew said bluntly, smiling as I gasped at him.

“Joseph Starkey!” I exclaimed, giggling as my cheeks turned a deep shade of red.

“Baby come on it’s been sooooo long, my balls are aching.” he whined, cupping his hand over his manhood.

“Awwww are they? My poor baby boy.” I pouted, rubbing his cheeks with my thumbs.

He nodded, his lips pouting out as well. I couldn’t help the smile widening on my face, his cute pout making my insides melt.

“Let’s go then Drewbear,” I giggled, pulling his arms to stand up.

=====================================

We quickly checked in, rushing up to the room. I didn’t have time to appreciate the beauty of the room, Drew immediately spinning me around and lifting me into his arms. Drew laid us down on the bed, my phone rang out, no doubt one of the girls calling.

“Drew, I-I should get that.” I panted, his kisses moving down my neck. I felt his hand snake down my body, reaching into my pocket to take out my phone.

“They’ll be fine without us,” Drew smirked, lifting up and silencing my phone.

“Drew I should at least text the-” I started, but stopped talking when Drew took his shirt off.

“Sorry baby, were you saying something?” he asked rhetorically, smirking at my staring eyes. I shook my head, my eyes traveling down his toned form.

Drew stared down at me, his gaze sending chills down my spine. His hands traveled from my knees, down my thighs, up until they reached the bottom of my shirt. His eyes flickered to mine, and I nodded my head. Drew’s hands went under my shirt, my breath hitching in my throat.

I lifted my hands, sitting up a little so Drew could take my shirt off. He tossed it to the ground with his, while he did that, I unhooked my bra and threw it in the same direction before laying back down. Drew’s hands ventured towards my breasts as his lips explored the skin of my collarbones, lightly nipping at the area. I couldn’t contain the moan that escaped when Drew lightly rolled my nipples between his fingers,

“Fuck,” I whispered, my nails lightly digging into his scalp as I tugged on his hair.

Drew wasted no time in getting to where he really wants. He shoved off both our pants and underwear, situating me just how he likes before he buried his face in me. His tongue worked wonders, licking and sucking on each spot that made me tick.

“Oh my, baby please don’t stop.” I begged, my back arching slightly off the bed as my legs started enclosing towards his head. Drew lifted his head momentarily to stick two of his fingers in gently, my eyes rolled to the back of my head.

“My girl has such a pretty pussy.” he commented, his breath ghosting over where his tongue had just been.

I moaned loudly at his praise, gripping the sheets between my fingers as I felt my orgasm just in reach. Drew smiled as his mouth went back to work, his fingers increasing their pace as well. I could feel the band about to snap, my legs shaking the closer I got. With just the slight curl of his fingers, the flick of his tongue, and I was done for.

“I’m-” I gasped, not finishing my sentence as my orgasm hit me like a freight train.

“Mmmmm fuck yes baby,” Drew groaned, working me through it as he watched the cum drip from his fingers and onto the bed sheets.

Drew took his fingers from me, sliding them in his mouth to suck them clean. My stomach fluttered watching him, it was the hottest thing I had ever seen him do. He then grabbed my hips and flipped us over so I was on top, my head spinning a bit from the quickness of his movements.

“My turn princess,” Drew smiled, kissing my lips hotly before lying back down.

I smirked down at him, kissing my way down his body. I got to his vline, leaving my mark down it until I got to his dick. I licked from his balls to the tip, squealing lightly when his hand was suddenly in my hair. His chest was moving at a rapid pace, his eyes burning into mine as I took him in my mouth.

“I missed your mouth so much my love, fuck it’s so good.” he moaned, throwing his head back.

I moved my head up and down, using my hands to meet my mouth with what I couldn’t fit in my mouth. His grip on my hair tightened, pushing my head slightly. I gagged once I got to the base, taking a deep breath as my eyes watered.

“I’m gonna cum,” Drew panted, thrusting his hips into my mouth as I sucked harder. I pulled all the way up, sucking on his tip and flicking my tongue as fast as I could. He moaned as he came, spurting his seed into my mouth.

“Let me see, did you swallow it all my good girl?” Drew asked, pulling my hair so my mouth was removed from him.

“Mhm,” I hummed as I showed him my tongue that was clean.

Drew smiled at me, moving his hold to either side of my face and smashing my mouth to his. I held his wrists, moaning softly into his mouth as I shuffled closer.

“Come on beautiful, I want to see you on top.” Drew whispered, helping me straddle his waist and inserting himself inside me.

“Oh my god, Drew.” I groaned, digging my nails into his shoulders.

“Fuck baby, you feel so good.” Drew grinned, helping me move on top of him.

I rolled my hips into his, the tip of his cock hitting my gspot which had me a moaning mess. Drew slid a hand down so his thumb rubbed against my clit, a high pitched whine flying from my lips as I moved faster.

“I could live in your pussy,” Drew moaned, his thumb pressing harder.

“Drew,” I pleaded, throwing my head back before coming back to stare into his beautiful blue eyes.

“Would you like that baby? To sit on my cock all day?” he growled, thrusting his hips upwards to meet mine as I came down.

“Yes, I would love it.” I whimpered.

“I can feel how close you are my love, cum with me.” he demanded, but I was already there before he finished his sentence.

“F-uck baby,” I squeaked, my body going to cloud nine as I shook on top of him.

Drew came seconds later, burying himself inside of me. I laid my head on his shoulder, ran out of energy to keep myself upwards.Drew held me to him, laying back on the bed as we calmed down.

“Ok?” he asked.

“Amazing,” I answered.

=====================================

After we met up with Sally and Caroline, explaining how ‘lost’ we were, we ate dinner at Hell’s Kitchen. It was amazing, but definitely not worth the price. We walked around a few more shops in Caesar’s Palace, actually getting lost and taking a while to find the way out.

Once we did, we came across a group of men walking by…

“Damn she thicc,” one commented.

“Ooooh she got a nice one, hello!” another yelled.

Drew turned around to say something, but I yanked his hand to keep walking.

“Do not,” I hissed.

Drew instead to make it clear I was taken, placed his hand directly on my ass.

“Drew! We’re in public!” I whisper yelled, but he made no move to remove his hand.

“I don’t give a fuck,” he shrugged.

“Hey baby! Why don’t you leave your pretty boy to be with a man for a night!” someone else called, Drew’s eyes narrowing.

I was suddenly airborne, Drew bending down and lifting me into his arms. I wrapped my legs around his waist, surprised to say the least.

“Drew! Put me down!” I yelped, holding on to his shoulders.

“Apparently, these boys need to know you’re taken.” Drew snapped, tightening his grip on me.

“Seriously babe, you’re gonna hurt your back.” I mumbled.

“Didn’t you say your feet were hurting babydoll?” he questioned.

“Yes, but Drew-” I started.

“You’re light as a feather my love, I could carry you all day.” he spoke softly, kissing my nose before coming to a stop in front of the water show between Caesar’s Palace and the Bellagio. He sat me on the railing, standing between my legs with his hands placed on my hips. I kissed his cheek, smiling at how sweet and protective this man of mine was.

“I love you,” I whispered.

“I love you baby,” he whispered back, sealing the deal with a soft kiss as the water show ended.

=====================================

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