sea-owl

[sea-owl]

I LOVE THIS! Honestly, I forgot about this ask lmao. But just imagining at some point someone from the nice team just looks at their naughty list counterpart and just says something along the lines like I'll give you more than coal for your naughtiness this year.

The nice list rep meant it as a threat, the naughty list rep immediately has their mind in the gutter.

Was rereading the 7 deadly sins au and my mind went, you know what would be funny? Throw in some office rivalry.

Imagine Heaven and Hell being two different offices of one big company, The Universe. The Bridgertons who represent the deadly sins and the spouses who represent the heavenly virtues are rivals competing over who gets the end of the year/quarterly bonus. Score is kept by how many humans they have committing sins/virtues.

As someone who works in the office admin industry and knows the kind of hell it can be. Why would you wish that on my poor precious characters who have done nothing wrong to deserve being stuck in an office competing for who gets the better performance review and bonus. You are evil and I love it.

Actually you know what since I already did an Angels and Demons au today, why don't we make this one a North Pole company au. (You know I really liked Red One. )

I like to think that all of them work in the same building just different companies. Nicelist and Naughtylist, every year the managers crack the whip to get up those numbers and the numbers are actually humans corrupted or reformed during the year. At the end of the year, whichever company did better in the gifts vs coal business, gets a paid vacation and a bonus.

We got Project manager team leads who are Kate and Anthony, obsessing over one upping the competition by whatever means possible even if it means sabotage and playing every dirty trick in the book.

Market Researchers Penelope and Colin reporting on the situation from different parts of the world to see where they need to send more manpower.

In Marketing you have Sophie and Benedict competing against each other over who can make the nice list and the naughty list look more appealing to the fans .

In Finance you have Gareth and Hyacinth, with Gareth externally complaining that Nicelist doesn't have the money! and Hyacinth cooking the books of her company because there's always money. Gareth low key suffers knowing that whatever his competition is doing in Finance Hyacinth would NOT pass an audit

Phillip and Eloise are some form of executive upper management that are frequently stuck in meetings discussing why they need more time, and fighting over unreasonable toy and coal deadlines. They both have some form of truce, in the sense that they both hate their jobs and want to quit, but they do this for the spirit of Christmas. Which for Phillip means that nice numbers need to go up and for Eloise means that naughty numbers need to go up

I think Francesca and Michael are both undercover field agents in whichever city os having the most naughty/nice tie ins of the year. Their job is to manually boost the numbers by spreading the spirit of Christmas nice / naughty all over town. If Francesca is a mall Christmas Elf signing people up to do charity work, Michael will show up at the same mall as some sexy Santa Klaus advertising the opening of a strip club. If Francesca is hosting a Christmas community fair, Michael will host a Holliday party with free booze. You get the gist. And this year their tied 50/50

Simon and Daphne are the corporate spionage side of Research and Development. As such they are pretending to date each other to extract information about the competition. Daphne is insisting that she's being nice to Simon because she wants to and Simon is insisting that he's being naughty because he wants to... Jury is out on what those two are reporting to their bosses

Finally Lucy and Gregory are in HR, Lucy as a decent HR agent, obviously wants to jump off a window with how many HR and OSHA violations get committed by her company every year and she lives stressed out of her mind by employee complaints and is the most valued member of the team. Gregory as the less decent HR agent of naughtylist, has a very cushy job pretending that he doesn't see or know about all the HR and OSHA violations HIS company is deeply into commiting. His job is just to make sure nobody sues. Guess which one of them is up for a promotion?

Problems arise when the numbers on the nice list and the naughty list begin to look... Modified, hacked somehow. And it's a race against time to figure out, which company managed to hack the North Pole mainframe and which company is getting framed.

So what do you think? How about this Christmas au for you bestie

[sea-owl]

Can we have some Edmund x Portia x Violet please? 🥺🫶

YES! AND I'M IN A SOULMATE MOOD!

Ok, so soulmate au between Edmund, Violet, and Portia. I'm thinking soulmates name written on your skin, but it's in their native tougne. So while Edmund and Violet's names appear in English, Portia's appears in gaeilge.

In England, Violet and Edmund have their love story. Falling in love and marrying, some say too young, but they're soulmates who dearly love one another. Neither one has found a translation on their other soulmate's name but they found each other already. They just know their other soulmate will show up when the time is right.

Meanwhile, over in Ireland, Portia Carroll covers her soulmates' names as she searches for an English husband. With the English taking more and more power in Ireland, there was no way her family's business would survive without having an in with the English. After a long talk with her younger brother Finn, they both agreed they needed the security. Portia ended up marrying an English Lord, Lord Featherington.

Portia is trained to appear as any other English lady, with no hint to her Irish heritage. Visitors and small parties in the countryside were her tests. Once deemed ready, Portia insists her husband takes her and their girls to London. After all, it's never too early to secure her daughters' futures.

And what a wonderful potential match her dear Penelope has made. The Bridgerton boy will be an excellent future son in law if Penelope can get him to the alter.

Not long after, one of the Bridgerton girls came barging over to the Featherington House demanding Penelope come to visit. Well, Portia isn't one to say no to a potential alliance. After all, it wouldn't be the first time an eligible gentleman married his sister's friend for one reason or another.

During one of these play dates, Portia found herself sitting with the Lord and Lady Bridgerton. Her husband was, oh who knows where that man was.

Portia was friendly with them when they interacted, but something about the couple made her. . .feel weird. Like there was an invisible rope that tied her to them, and the further she went, the more taut it became.

On more than one occasion, she swore she caught them staring at her breasts, and yes, a lot of people stared. Portia knows she has nice breasts. But when the Lord and Lady Bridgerton stare at them, it sets this fire off in Portia's belly. She doesn't like it, and she wished they stop. She doesn't even have to see them staring to know they are!

During a society event, where the Bridgertons had invited multiple families and their children of all ages to their ancestral home of Aubrey Hall Portia happened to catch a glimpse of something she wished she hadn't.

Portia and Lady Bridgerton were resting underneath the shade. Both women were with child, Portia for her fourth time, and Lady Bridgerton for her eighth. Neither of them were that far along, both of them only just starting to show. Though with the way Lady Bridgerton kept sneaking glances at Portia's chest and belly, biting her lip, you would think Portia would be much further along. This pregnancy was also making Lady Bridgerton act odd, much odder than what Portia has seen from the other pregnancy she witnessed.

Lord Bridgerton had stepped in to check on the two, holding some flowers in one hand. "My ladies, how are you both today?"

Lary Bridgerton smiled at her husband. "We are just fine. Resting for a moment."

Lord Bridgerton goes to say something else, but Portia can't hear him, her gaze stuck on his wrist. Lord Bridgerton's sleeve had fallen just enough to the name of his soulmate. Or rather the names of his soulmates.

One of the names read Violet Ledger, the other was not in English, but Portia knew that language.

"Gaeilge," the red head whispered.

Lady Bridgerton perked up, excitement in her eyes. "Do you know the language?"

Portia shook her head. "No, I just recognize the letters."

Later on, in the privacy of her room, Portia takes off her iron bracelet that's she's used to cover her soulmates' names for years.

Edmund Bridgerton and Violet Ledger.

Oh no, she's in trouble if any of those stories about the shenanigans Bridgertons get up to to find their soulmates is true.

[sea-owl]

Shondaland! Give me Violet and Portia teaming up against Araminta! I need more fuel for the ship!

I can just see it now. Violet and Portia side eyeing the shit out of Araminta. Portia is ready to scheme against this woman. Any day now. Violet just needs to give her the signal.

Violet just one day bursts in saying they need to go to the jail because Sophie is in trouble. New leaf Portia rushes after like girl this is my area of expertise, wait for me!

[sea-owl]

I just learned that the actor who played young Howard Stark also played Sky in Mamma Mia. Now I'm just imagining Howard really got into Abba in the 70's and was blasting it in his workshop.

[sea-owl]

Hi it’s been a while but I’m begging for more Violet x Portia content. My delulu is starving fr

This is 1000% 1am brain thoughts, so feel free to ignore it, but imagine Violet being the one to get Portia to finish for the first time.

I just know Portia never got a pleasurable experience while married to Lord Featherington. That man took his pleasures and then left Portia there unsatisfied.

Portia didn't even know she could reach that pleasure herself until she was having tea with Violet, Helen, and Janet.

Helen, being Helen and the mother to the biggest flirt in the ton, had no issues talking about her past sexy escapades with her husband and later on with her unnamed lover (Janet). She got Violet to stop using garden metaphors, too, after mixing some whiskey in the tea.

"Wait, we can do what?" Portia asked after listening to the other three widows.

"Have you never had a pleasurable experience when it comes to sex?" Helen questioned.

"Honestly, I would just lie there and think about my to-do list until he finished," Portia confessed.

Now, it might be the whiskey in her tea, but Violet's mind couldn't get past that her friend never had a pleasurable sexual experience. Yes, she knows she's fortunate to have one herself but to have never been brought to the edge of completion? Never to have your garden bloom? Unacceptable.

And maybe it was the nightcap all four widows shared before retiring for the evening, but when Violet showed up offering to show Portia the pleasures of sex Portia opened the door a bit wider and let Violet in.

[sea-owl]

Since Steve, Tony, and Thor were considered the big three of the Avengers how long do you think it took for Thor to get impatient and start matchmaking Steve and Tony.

Thor is not dumb, he knows two warriors in love when he sees it! He was known as a fertility god for a reason damn it! At the very least can they please fuck so the tension dies down a little bit?

He was going to let this play out on it's own because he likes a good drama and he had front row seats to this one. But then whole big three thing started and now he has to spend even more time with Steve and Tony and for all that is holy Thor can't stand being the third wheel any more if he can't see his ship smooch at least once!

He rants to Jane about it and then Darcy suggests matchmaking schemes. Thor agrees because the slow burn is taking too damn long, one of them will be dead before they realize!

Thor is ready to see his ship sail and if he has to dress like Freya again then he'll do it!

[sea-owl]

I lied. Put your clothes back on. We're gonna talk about how it is heavily implied that the avengers could have won if they had been together in infinity war and how that implies that Thanos would have lost if Tony decided to seduce Steve Rogers instead of divorcing him.

[sea-owl]

Ya'll remember that Chrismas special with the early 2000s Justice Leauge cartoon where Shayera started an alien bar fight.

That innocent look she pulled not even five seconds after bashing that guy's hand in and handing her mace off to John. I see why she was made a spy.

[sea-owl]

Mystery of the sexy paintings au

Today on another episode of aus I talk about with @seaowl when I am high on energy drinks

Mystery of the sexy paintings au

In which 17yo Gareth St Claire, good for nothing, except painting riske pictures that get him into trouble in the uni, comes up with a plan to con the ton into buying his amateur paintings for an exorbitant price, so he can get the cash he needs to pay for tuition. Enter, his friends/models. Who were nice enough to model for him for free.

The problem is, that the Bridgertons may have made mysterious French painter Gautier-Gautier / 17yo Gareth, rich overnight, but also, now they’re trying to discover his identity. How was Gareth supposed to know his friends attracted so many lunatics.

Sophie, he can understand, Benedict was the initial target of this whole fake art show business. Con the delusional rich guy into buying the painting of odalisque Lady in Silver (wearing a mask and a transparent sheet). But what he didn’t expect was that Benedict would fall inlove at first sight and make a shrine for the painting in his room. Benedict also makes his sister’s lady’s maid clean the shrine, who happens to be Sophie. The very same Sophie who got so fed up with Benedict’s Lady in Silver delulu after a masquerade a year ago, that she was willing to pose semi naked for Gareth and was 100% unapologetic about conning the Benedict out of millions in cash. Now she’s cleaning a shrine to the painting of her own semi naked body and this close to killing Benedict.

  Kate, well Gareth doesn’t even know why Kate agreed to let him paint her naked back and buttocks in all their sultry and exquisite glory. All he knows is that she felt sorry for him and that some guy she disliked said she was uptight and priggish and hadn’t done one wild thing in her life, so Kate told Gareth to paint her buttocks on top of a mushroom and get as much cash as he could manage from auctioning off her likeness. Gareth thinks Kate may hate him, because a furious Anthony Bridgerton saw the painting and immediately had people looking for Gautier-Gautier. Gareth knows Anthony can’t prove the naked back-buttocks model in the painting is Kate, but boy is the man trying his best to make Kate confess to her evil misdeeds. He also knows from Sophie that Anthony keeps Kate’s painting in a secret place only he can enter and that he spends way way too much time there. On the bright side, Anthony paid a lot of money for the faceless mushroom fairy, so Gareth has to thank Kate for her honorable, if spiteful gift of charity.

Penelope volunteered to help Gareth because she thought his paintings of Sophie and Kate were beautiful and she was even fine with her face being visible because in her reasoning, nobody would recognize HER wearing negligee anyway, she was a wallflower, if people saw the resemblance, well, redheads were a dime a dozen in popular paintings, nobody would think it was her. Gareth thought so too, and he was happy to help Penelope get in touch with her desirable femininity by painting her as the goddess of love. He was proud of the redhead seductress he painted. That is until another furious Bridgerton walked away from the art show with the painting AND the woman he clearly recognized in tow. Gareth doesn’t know much about Colin Bridgerton, but he looked about to shoot somebody the moment he saw Penelope, and the painting of the goddess of love that everyone was admiring. Penelope at least tried to explain, but Colin was fit to be tied. Gareth really hopes his friend is okay and not locked away somewhere being ravished by Colin Bridgerton. the man did pay an exorbitant amount of money for the painting, but Gareth is okay with accusing Colin of kidnapping Penelope if he doesn’t hear from her in a few days.   

Phillip, okay yes Gareth did it on purpose, he painted the man as a dark sexy demon wearing a loincloth, but to be fair Gareth asked for help, Phillip said no, because #thinkOfMyChildren, so Gareth had to resort to blackmail. And while, yes it is wrong for Gareth to use Phillip’s sad depressive diary against him, it was also wrong of Phillip to say no to posing semi-nude for Gareth’s moneymaking schemes. What better way to celebrate being in London for a hot widowed father than to do Gareth a favor.  In the end the bidding war among the thirsty debutantes made loin cloth fire demon the hit of the night, I mean Eloise Bridgerton probably bankrupted a few years of her allowance with how much she put on the pot to take the painting. Now Phillip is complaining that Eloise is sniffing around too much when he’s shirtless in the gardens trying to teach his kids about plants. Honestly for Gareth that sounds like the opposite of a problem, but Phillip has this thing called modesty that Gareth can’t quite get.

Look at cousin Simon and his boxing buddy Michael, they were both good sports about being part of the art show. Sure Simon almost fainted with Daphne Bridgerton began arguing with her brother about the whole ‘if you can take the mushroom fairy, I can take the semi naked warrior, so give me the money’ ordeal, because you know, Anthony was Simon’s university pal and could recognize those warrior biceps anywhere. But in the end, he couldn’t deny Daphne her wish without explaining that she was thirsting over semi naked Simon, and giving up the mushroom fairy painting that other gentlemen were eying with envy was a non negotiable. Daphne walked away with her painting and so did dowager duchess Francesca Stirling, who took one look at Archangel Michael’s painting, paid a king’s ransom for it and walked out without so much as looking around, you gotta admire a woman on a mission really.  

Lucy’s painting was probably the less risque of the lot, because while she was only a year older than him, she still wanted to participate in the gautier-gautier moneymaking scheme and help Gareth, so Gareth painted her as a beautiful mermaid, in honor of their childhood friendship. She was dressed…sort of. I mean look at Greg Bridgerton, he bought it for her didn’t he? He thinks the art looks pretty. He thinks the art looks like Lucy. And with the way Greg talks about the mermaid, Gareth wonders how the man can be so dense. But that’s Lucy’s problem to worry about.

Enter his current problem. Debutate and diamond extraordinaire, way too perceptive to be sixteen, Hyacinth Bridgerton, who apparently knows all about Gareth’s secret identity as Gautier-Gautier and is threatening to let her siblings know, unless Gareth gives her a self portrait… for free.  

An: I’m thinking about writing a drabble about this, mainly just the part of Gareth and the fabulous seven coming up with the idea and actually implementing it. tagging @sea-owl my au loving buddy who is okay with hearing me ramble

[sea-owl]

The first text Steve gets on the flip phone, after he was falsly declared dead by TMZ

(I stole this idea from @sasukesun)

[sea-owl]

I'm bored and haven't done a spouses friend group post in a while.

The guys walk in on the girls doing something that looks like a mixture of twister and Kate, Sophie, and Michaela trying to sacrifice Penelope. Lucy is off to the side reading aloud from a book.

Michael: What are you doing?

Phillip: Should we be worried?

Simon: *sighs in tired dad friend*

Gareth: *goes over to Lucy to see what book she's reading from*

Penelope, who has one leg over Sophie's shoulder, half laying on Kate, and one hand in Michaela's hair: We're trying to figure out this position the author is describing.

Kate: There's so many body parts moving all at once that we don't even know who's arm or leg belongs to who.

Lucy, who is still reading: We're pretty sure we missed a paragraph too. I think Michaela is supposed to be leaning in towards Kate.

Michaela: With Pen's hand in my hair?

Lucy nods: And Penelope you other leg is supposed to be wrapped around Sophie's waist.

Sophie as soon as Penelope's leg is wrapped around her waist: I think the author forgot one of your legs was already on my shoulder because this does not seem like a good postion to fuck in.

[sea-owl]

Penelope: always remember, if you're ever losing an argument with your husband you're always one boob flashing away from winning it anyway

Sophie: uhh I don't think that counts as good adv....

Kate: no, no she's right, let her speak

[sea-owl]

Nah, could imagine if they took the song, it starts with sorry further in Hazbin Hotel. Like Charlie continues her gentle parenting and makes her parents and all the other people who were in that garden apologize for what happened back then.

Actually watch them pull a Steven Universe have Charlie take on the sins of her parents.

[sea-owl]

Trick or treat?

Treat

[sea-owl]

Hazbin Hotel AU idea

I fell down a rabbit hole, and this idea won't leave me alone. So I actually really like the theory of Eve becoming Roo eventually after the apple and her death. I also like this idea they already kinda started in the show of the evil women being maternal, which we've seen with overlords Carmilla and Rosie.

So the idea starts that Eve sees the exterminations of her descendants and decides everyone in charge needs to go. She loves her children, the sinners and the winners, and she already hates the rulers of Heaven and Hell. The exterminations are the final straw. But she is also a smart woman and knows that she needs to have something ready to replace those rulers.

So she sits against the tree of knowledge, letting herself mentally pass through the roots that run deep through heaven and hell. In her visions, she eventually sees two little girls, one an angel named Emily, the other a demon named Charlie.

Eve smiles, an idea forming in her mind. It looks like she has two new children to raise.

Now Eve won't outright kidnap the girls, but through magic, she brings them to her in their sleep. She'll teach them lessons needed to be poper leaders and most importantly she'll foster empathy.

"Call me Auntie," she tells them.

Charlie and Emily always think their time with Eve is only a dream. Memories foggy by the time they wake, but the lessons stick. Eve can tell when she checks in on them.

Eve tries to be a teacher only at first, but soon finds her maternal side taking over. More times than she cares to admit she has comforted each girl, listened to them, loved them like they were her own.

When Eve wasn't with the girls, she was sowing discord towards the current rulers. She kept an eye on each relm, pulling strings as she needed. What is a ruler's woth after all when their subjects turn against them?

Eve finds the discord she sows among Heaven's elite good practice for Emily. With her in charge of keeping others happy she has to apply her ability to read people and what makes them tick.

When Charlie gets her idea to redeem sinners Eve felt proud of the girl. It had been a few years since she pulled Charlie to her in her dreams but this was an excellent step in the right direction. A stepping stone for her to become the Queen of Hell.

Eve searches among her overlords, she needs a closer eye kept on Charlie than what she's been able to do on her own.

[sea-owl]

Probably an unpopular opinion but I think it be more interesting if Lilith did share some personality traits with Adam. Especially if Charlie started to see those similarities after having interacted with Adam and has her rethink what she knows about her mom.

[sea-owl]

Back on my bullshit. Ignore histories and timelines, and my made up empire. We don't give a shit about that here.

So, an au where when Colin was out traveling, he was visiting an empire similar to ancient Greece or Rome. He met up with a few local lords, and the next thing Edmund and Violet know their third born son is writing home that he's engaged. Colin also wrote that his fiancé and her family are traveling back with him to meet the other Bridgertons.

Well damn the family's curiosity is peaked. Through different letters to different family members, they put together that Colin's fiancé is named Penelope, and she was the daughter of a senator, though her family's power came from her maternal line, though Colin doesn't say how. She has three sisters, two currently married, and one is coming with her on the trip to England. Her mother Portia is also coming. And to Violet's delight, her son was clearly in love with this girl.

Edmund has a few additional rooms set up at Aubrey Hall. By the time they get here, the season will be over, and the family return to the countryside.

In preparation, Violet asked around about the empire her son was returning from, hoping to gain some knowledge to start conversations with the girl and her family. Most of it was, of course, gossip and rumors, but at least it's something to start with.

Edmund and Violet had prepared, but they were not prepared for the woman who stepped out of the carriage.

The woman took in her surroundings, including taking in her new hosts, before letting out a small laugh. "Cute."

She then turns back to two others who must be her daughters, and Colin.

Colin finally noticed his family who were starting to gather on the front steps. "Family! I would like to introduce you to my fiancé and her family."

Dinner had been full of questions for Penelope. Some were jokes at Colin for finally settling down. It wasn't until later when the children were playing some after dinner games that Edmund and Violet got a chance to talk to Portia one on one.

Her stare felt like she was trying to read them. It reminded Edmund of some of the other lords in the house. Well she was the wife of a senator, maybe some of it rubbed off on her.

"Well I must say I wasn't expecting this when Colin decided to travel," Violet said, starting a conversation.

"Hmm, indeed," Portia hummed in agreement. "Though I suppose it's for the best. Penelope has worked so hard and always did desire a genuine love match. With Mr. Bridgerton she can be assured that it is a true love match."

"Colin mentioned it was your family that held more influence," Edmund said. "Is that what made it difficult to find a love match?"

Portia nodded. "Every noble son in the empire wants a chance to marry one of the Emperor's nieces. Especially since my brother has yet to produce his own heir."

Violet and Edmund choked on their wine.

Portia let out a small smirk, lost in her thoughts. "It was quite satisfying though when news spread of Penelope and Mr. Bridgerton's engagement. I thought Felician was going to fall over laughing when he heard the news."