#as an asexual he means the world to me

[plinko-main]

SINCE PPL REALLY LIKE MY CARY POST... i never finished this but its ANCIENT now. So i'll roll him out of my WIPs i think. I was going to finish this after my first cary drawing but I just lost motivation... Sorry Cary... maybe I'll draw you again soon <3

[nnnn99999]

I want to share my interpretation of FadelStyle's sex scenes in the storage room, but before I get to the actual scene I need to establish FadelStyle's relationship arc so far. I won't go into detail about their attitude towards each other in episode 1 and 2 because @airenyah did such a great job of explaining Style's journey in this post and I wholeheartedly agree with everything she said.

To summarize, by the end of episode 2 Style is starting to sense something is off about Fadel and he is starting to want to connect to him, whereas Style manages to make past Fadel's defenses and enter his mind, albeit as a sexual fantasy. At this point neither of the two actively dislike each other as they used to before. Fadel still finds Style very annoying, but he is already starting to get used to it. Style still thinks Fadel is grumpy and rude, but he is intrigued by what lays under Fadel's mask. They don't really like each other, but they don't exactly hate each other either.

This dynamics continue in episode 3. As they meet each other more and more, Fadel softens up to Style as sees more of him. It's hard for Fadel to completely ignore the genuine care, concern and sincerity Style throws at him again and again. Style also starts to become even more intrigued by Fadel as he realizes just how deep the man is hiding himself. Not to mention the physical attraction between the two that very much exists and makes its presence known in the form of sexual fantasies.

When they actually hook up for the first time, there is only physical attraction that is driving their actions. As I mentioned before, they don't dislike each other, but they don't really like each other either. There is an emotional disconnect between the two. And I believe this is the reason this experience was not very fulfilling for either of them. Both of them seem to be the type to believe in having proper relationships instead of casual hookups, so sex without any sort of meaningful connection might be pleasant because of the physical attraction, but it's far from being able to make either of them feel content.

Comparing FadelStyle's first time to KantBison's first time makes this more evident. KantBison didn't even know each other's names when they jumped into bed together. But that didn't stop them from having a great time. They have no problems in finding sexual satisfaction without any emotional attachment. FadelStyle on the other hand seem to be unable to do that. It's a matter of preference, neither is right or wrong. The lighting choices in the two scenes also reflect the mood of the couples. For KantBison, it's a bright red-glaring, intense and passionate. The lighting is not warm, it's burning hot actually. Whereas for FadelStyle, the lighting is a cold blue, with no hint of warmth to be found.

In Fadel's fantasy, Fadel thinks about Style's interest in himself (his name and his tattoo). In Style's fantasy, Style imagines Fadel serving him with direct eye contact maintained at all times. Both of these fantasies further indicate to me that both of them crave a deeper connection with the other. And it's only when they find that connection that they can truly find sexual contentment.

I don't think Fadel meant to be that tender and worshipful with Style. I think he just couldn't help himself. Now that Style has had a taste of what it could feel like being with Fadel, he is not going to give up trying to make Fadel his. And Fadel has no way to defend against that kind of Style.

[aroaessidhe]

2024 reads / storygraph

At The Feet Of The Sun

book 2 in a slow paced high fantasy duology*

the right hand of the emperor (who is off searching for an heir) struggles with what to do after passing on his responsibilities and also discovering various pieces of information that are mindblowing to him, personally,

after adventure is thrust upon him, he travels to find His Radiancy and they go on some otherworldly adventures while growing closer and figuring out the nature of their friendship

(*there’s extra novellas & i think another book coming? duology adjacent, currently,)

[mars-ipan]

look i love my asexual headcanons to death and what i’m about to say in no way discounts said asexual headcanons. with that disclosed i do not think aziraphale is a “virgin” (<- virginity isn’t real but you get my point) take one look at that angel and tell me he didn’t go to bacchanals i mean come the fuck on

[whywoulditho]

ushisaku headcanons because precisely one (1) person asked for it

I meant to just write headcanons related to their asexuality but i ended up typing out their entire middle school, high school and collage years together instead sorry

— after their canon meetcute at the sports center's bathroom before their tournament in middle school, they both secretly hope that they could play against each other, but their teams are already put on different groups and neither of them make it to the final, so they don't get to play against each other. but they show up to watch each other's games. ushijima's team loses in the quarter-finals, which is an impressive climb for a no-name middle school from Miyagi, and Sakusa totally thinks that Ushijima carried his team, but doesn't comment on it. Sakusa's team loses in the semi-finals. after the game, he showers and gathers his things to meet with his sister in the parking lot, then he sees Ushijima, standing awkwardly outside the locker room. Sakusa stops on his tracks, caught still trying to dry his hair on a towel. he is suddenly hyper aware of how red his face must look from the hot shower, his unruly curls and the three pimples on his face. Ushijima walks up to him. at that point, Sakusa has heard the same empty praise from all his coaches and teammates, "It was still a good match. You did your best. You played well." so he's ready for the disappointment, because he didn't want Ushijima to be fake and boring like the rest of them, but here he is, coming to pat his back after a humiliating loss. except that's not what he does at all.

Ushijima stands right in front of him, looks him in eye and says, "That was an impressive block. I would have loved to try spiking against a blocker like that."

Sakusa can't stop the grin that breaks into his face, "You think you could do it?"

Ushijima smiles, small and geniune, "No." he says. "But I bet I can, next year."

Sakusa decides that Ushijima is his new favorite person.

— they both want to ask for the other's number, but they don't want to be the one asking. so instead they promise to say hi the next time they see each other

— Sakusa asks for Ushijima's number at the summer training camp, when they are both first years in high school. they start texting on occasion, wishing each other good luck when they have a match or a test coming.

— they don't realise their feelings for each other for a LONG time. they spend all of high school thinking they see each other as nothing more than ordinary friends. even though they think about each other almost daily. and text each other good night like a couple of mushy boyfriends.

— on their third year of high school, Motoya finds Sakusa looking up train tickets from Tokyo to Miyagi and asks him about it. to his own surprise, Sakusa gets completely secretive about it, blushes a deep red while trying to close his laptop and telling Motoya to leave him alone. Motoya is immediately convinced that he must have a secret girlfriend. Sakusa wants to correct him, but he finds that it doesn't feel right to deny that accusation. that's when he realises his feelings might run a little deeper than he had anticipated.

— realizing he might be asexual is a surprise to Sakusa. because even though he's known from a young age that sex repulsed him, he always figured it must have been because of his contamination OCD. it was no wonder that someone who didn't even like shaking hands with people would despise being naked in a bed with another human being. it was a given. it just made sense.

in a passing moment between conversation one of his teammates asked him, "What about you Sakusa-san? What's your type?"

"I don't have a type." he said honestly, stretching on the gym floor.

"Come on, there must be something you find attractive. Like, objectively, which one do you prefer, big boobs or small boobs?"

Sakusa pulled a face, "Neither. Ew."

His teammates started laughing then. "Yeah, figures." they said. Then luckily someone else started explaining in detail why one of them was the superior option, and they stopped paying attention to Sakusa.

it made sense, that Sakusa wouldn't find physical intimacy appealing. because he was sick. he was obsessive and had to be on meds since he was 12. he barely made friends. his primary social interaction at school was with his cousin. so people didn't have a hard time believing he wasn't the type of kid that hides certain magazines under his bed or clears his search history every other day. what they didn't know, however, is that Sakusa wasn't afraid of people, he was afraid of germs. he didn't mind hugging his sister when she was fresh out of a shower with a clean pair of pajamas on. he didn't mind touching Motoya's hands since be started using that hand sanitizer. he wouldn't, hypotethically, hate to touch another person while being naked if he was sure they weren't contaminated with germs. he shouldn't mind—

except he does. and for a long while, it only makes him feel more broken.

— after graduation, he announces his decision to go to collage instead of trying out for professional teams. his teammates have known that he'd been studying hard as well as practicing volleyball everyday, but they didn't think he would actually choose collage over volleyball. his coach is pissed at his parents, Motoya tells him to pull himself together and follow his dreams, his teammates all look at him like he's throwing away his future just to make his parents happy. and that might be true to som extent, in the sense that his parents will be pleased that he's going to collage, but it's not just for them. and he's certainly not giving up on his life long dream. his parents think they've won some kind of fight. Motoya thinks he's being a pushover, his coach thinks he's never been serious about volleyball. and he gets sick of it, books a train ticket to Miyagi without really thinking and texts Ushijima to come meet him if he can. he can't think of anyone else whose opinion would matter. he doesn't know why Ushijima's matters. but they sit on the swings at a park near the station and Sakusa tells him everything. he searches for some kind of clue on his face, a fraction of disappointment. they'd been talking about their dreams of playing together professionally since middle school, for fuck's sake. if there's anyone who has the right to be upset it should be him.

"I had always figured you would go to collage, Sakusa-kun." Ushijima tells him, "You've always loved Biology. Why would you have to give that up?"

Sakusa looks at him sceptically, "This isn't you telling me I wouldn't have made it as a pro spiker, is it?"

Ushijima frowns, "Of course you will."

Not would have. Not an alternate version of him, not just a possibility, an actual point in their future that Ushijima can see.

Because he had figured, apparently, that Sakusa would go to collage. Didn't even ask him, didn't even try to confirm his theory. Because it wouldn't have mattered anyway. He doesn't ask him if he still wants to become a pro volleyball player, either. He knows.

I'll be waiting, Sakusa reads on his face.

— Sakusa visits Ushijima in Osaka a few times, Ushijima comes to visit him in Tokyo as well. He sends him tickets to all of his games in Tokyo. Sakusa doesn't go to any of them, but he meets up with Ushijima after to catch up. Ushijima doesn't ask why he never watches the games. he doesn't bring them up during their Defineitely Not Dates unless Sakusa does first. Ushijima, on the other hand, tries to go to all of Sakusa's collage league matches whenever he can. Sakusa tells him he doesn't have to, even jokes about how he never goes to Ushijima's anyways. he shrugs and says, "It's not the same thing." because for Ushijima, seeing a collage level volleyball match is not peeking into the life he wanted more than anything but couldn't have yet. they both understand this, even though they don't say it out loud.

— at 20 years old, Sakusa decides that he's mentally stable enough to handle attending a collage party. Motoya has been asking him for months, and since the house owner is aparently Ushijima's friend from high school, he will be there as well. and if Sakusa just wanted to do something other than sightseeing and coffee (not) dates with Ushijima for a change, sue him. he hasn't seen him in months because of the V League season, he's finally on break and Sakusa just... missed him.

he doesn't know why it's taking him so long to come up with an outfit. it's not like he really cares about how people from his school percieve him. he would have made an effort in his outfits when they're actually sober to see them, if that were the case. and yet he spends about 20 minutes changing from one sweater to the other and another 20 minutes in front of his bathroom mirror trying to tame his curls. he fiddles with the black ring on his middle finger while looking at himself once more in the mirror. and then heads out the door.

the party isn't terrible. Tendou turns out to be a great host, and also have good music taste, which Sakusa is infinitely grateful for. he spots Ushijima fifteen minutes after arriving, but doesn't approach him just yet. he seems to be having fun with his former teammates from high school, and Sakusa doesn't want to cut it short. half an hour of cheap pizza and loud conversations later he finds himself in Tendou's parents' backyard. he sits down on the steps of the porch and drinks his drink absentmindedly. Ushijima plumps down next to him.

"I've been looking for you." he says, just a tad higher pitched than his usual monotone voice.

"Hi." Sakusa says, he raises his bottle to clink Ushijima's own. when he brings his bottle closer, something similar catches Sakusa's eye. Ushijima is wearing the same ring as him.

A single black stripe wrapped around his middle finger.

He cannot possibly know what that means. It's not even that well known of a thing. It never really got popular enough for it to be actually recognizable in public. he must be just wearing it for fashion.

except Sakusa has never seen Ushijima wear accessories. So what if... What if...

"I've... never seen you wear a ring before." Sakusa says carefully.

Ushijima seems to be lost in thought, he blinks, "What? Oh." he says, looking at his finger, "Yes, I don't usually like accessories."

Sakusa looks at him, something like hope trying to bloom in his heart.

"This one, however, um... My teammates told me that it has a meaning. And I find it... Fitting." he adds.

"Fitting." Sakusa repeats.

"To my situation, that is. Or rather, who I am as a person."

Sakusa can hear his heart skip a beat. "Really?"

"Yes." Ushijima says, uncharacteristically shy.

Sakusa lets his heart soar. he smiles, probably too big. he brings his hand to show Ushijima, and then grabs his hand in his. their rings catching in the dim light coming from the porch.

"Me too." Sakusa says, and for the first time, he feels like they need to say it to really be on the same page this time. so he does, "I'm asexual."

Ushijima turns to him so slowly, his eyes wide. Sakusa can recognize the look in them, the utter shock and the relief. the sudden wave of validation. belonging. understaning.

"Really?" he asks.

"Yeah." and he puts his head on Ushijima's shoulder. because he's the one person in the whole world who can truly understand him. and it feels unreal that he was lucky enough to have that kind of person.

they talk about it for the next hour, and Ushijima doesn't pull his hand away until Tendou comes outside to pull them back into the house for a game of pong.

— Sakusa gains a little weight in his last year at collage. he drops the volleyball team to focus on internships and his finishing project. he doesn't lose his form completely, it's not even close to that, actually, his belly is just a bit rounder than he's used to. he freaks out about it. because what if he loses shape so bad he doesn't make it into a pro team? THE pro team he so desperately wants to be in?

Ushijima drops by right before his finals week, and they sit lazily on Sakusa's bed in his dorm room, listening to slow music while Ushijima quizes Sakusa on his reading material. they have somehow grown... closer, over the past few years that they're been visiting each other in their living quarters. Sakusa not only tolerates Ushijima's touch, he seeks for it. he loves it so much he's scared of it. scared of Ushijima finding out just how much it fills Sakusa's heart with warmth and joy everytime he drops his head on Sakusa's shoulder or lays down next to him on the bed while just listening to music together. one time he actually fell asleep, because for some reason, sharing his space with Ushijima is not only okay, it's really safe and cozy.

Sakusa is laying on his bed trying to recall the names of the antibiotic resistence mechanisms, his head supported by the volleyball shaped pillow that Motoya got him for his birthday, his long legs dangling from the side of the bed. Ushijima closes the book after ten minutes of Q&A, "You've got them all correct," he says, "You're gonna do great tomorrow." and then just drops his head on Sakusa's belly.

Sakusa's eyes go wide in horror. his brain goes a million thoughts per second. "shit. he's totally going to think I've let myself go now. Ushijima is so proper about his daily workouts. he's going to think I'm undisciplined and lazy and undeserving of ever going pro—

meanwhile Ushijima is also freaking out because holy shit. that's the cutest thing he's ever seen. it's so soft. he wants to bury his face in his friend's belly. is that weird? why is this so intimate? what is happening? is he blushing?? oh no. how is he going to sit back up and face Sakusa now? is Sakusa tensing up? is he uncomfortable? Ushijima doesn't want to pull his head back from the soft warmth of his belly. it's so nice. it's the cutest thing ever. he wants to die right here. he should get up. why can't he get up?? what is wrong with him???

after an awkward half an hour and a goodbye, he leaves and instead of catching the next train back to Osaka, he goes straight to Tendou's apartment. he has just had a major realization and he needs his best friend to Hear Him Out. (Tendou finds it hilarious that he managed to be a giant idiot about his feelings for years only to catch up because he thought his crush's belly was cute. They eat homemade chocolate ice-cream about it.)

— months later, Sakusa shows up at Ushijima's door unannounced. they had spent the summer practicing, Sakusa got back in shape and watched so much volleyball that all he could see when he closed his eyes to sleep was the popping blue court and various spiking poisitions. he finally heard back from the teams he tried out for. the one that he's been a little more anxious to hear from, was obviously his team. no matter how much Ushijima had assured him that he was more than qualified for their team, that he was probably going to make it to one of the bigger ones he applied for. Sakusa knew deep down that they were both most looking forward to Ushijima's team's email.

Ushijima opens the door, a happy look of surprise immediately takes over his face, "You should have told me you were coming, I could have picked you up from the train station." he says. so easy, so normal for them. and Sakusa can only grin from one ear to another knowing what he knows.

"I got in." he says, he doesn't even have to clarify. they both know what he's talking about. "I got the email this morning. They want me to start next monday."

Ushijima drops the rag in his hand, which Sakusa knows must have been a clean one because he wouldn't reach for a hug otherwise, "That's amazing!" Ushijima exclaims as he wraps both his arms around Sakusa. he doesn't put his head over his shoulder, instead keeps their faces in front of each other. and suddenly he's close, so close in fact there is no mistaking it for something platonic. Sakusa hears him gulp, sees his eyes go to his lips.

Ushijima looks like he's not even sure how he got there. "Sakusa-kun, can I..."

Sakusa nods dumbly.

then Ushijima presses his lips against his. soft, but persistent. it barely lasts a beat before he pulls back. he looks at Sakusa like he's trying to decipher something, which is funny. because Sakusa has long since stopped wondering how they always seem to be on the same page about everything. he smiles at him. then he throws his arms around Ushijima's neck and pulls him into another kiss.

there's barely any fanfiction and no one really understands them the way i do but GOD i love ushiwaka/sakusa so much. i don't usually have rarepairs but they're just so good. and i mean this in a way that's far away from the fanon ushijima that is a basically a sex god and the fanon sakusa that is sexually repressed on a spiritual level. i mean it in a two buffy guys existing in each other's presence, feeling content and peaceful kind of way. in my mind their relationship is so healthy and they're so good for each other. i mean i love an opposites-attract type of relationship just as much as the next person but there's also something so precious in the way two people would just enjoy the same things and find comfort in each other's company. they would get up early even on the weekends off season. sakusa would prepare green juice while ushijima struggles to make eggs the way sakusa likes them. they would have a coffee machine they try new coffee recipes with. they would have a dog that sleeps with them on their bed. they would go on a walk towards evenings to go watch the sunset on the beach. sakusa would teach ushijima how to skip stones on water and ushijima would just be terrible at it. they would like old movies and ushijima would bake and sakusa would wash their dog in their backyard. they would have a vinyl collection and hang their favorite records on the walls of their living room. they would read together and watch volleyball games and give critics and it would all be so silent and so peaceful it actually makes me emotional

[asexualenjolras]

CA$H PIGGOTT.

I need to talk about Cash Piggott and how important his character is to the asexual community.

I absolutely adore the fact that Cash calls people out on their acephobia and never, ever apologises for who he is. He doesn't think he's broken.

In season one, we see Darren say "you know what, I think there's something really fucking wrong with you, Cash," and Cash immediately, with no hesitation, screams "well fuck you then".

In season two, we see Dusty say that he's being selfish asking Darren to give up sex and he immediately stands up and says "fuck this" because he knows he doesn't have to listen to people making him feel bad about his sexuality.

And when he's talking to his nan about it, Cash says "it's not fair, I would do anything, why does it have to be the one thing I can't change about myself?"

In every single one of these scenes, we never see Heartbreak High blame Cash for his sexuality. We never see him apologise to anyone for not feeling sexual attraction, and we never see him feel guilty about it, or try to change who he is.

CA$H recognises that his sexuality might be difficult for people to accept and understand, but he never lets other people make him feel like he's broken, or flawed. And that's so powerful to see.

Because asexual people are not broken. And we can't be fixed. And we are not being selfish for putting in boundaries.

I absolutely adore Douglas Piggott. He means the world to me, and this representation is so, so important.

[phntxm]

Love Languages hcs n/sfw

} real world, the nsfw part is VERY short y-y characters; mr. gap & mr. scarletella

My beloved aka Mr. Gap

he’s annoying and cute (canon)

likes to surprise you but acts nonchalant about it

no worries about danger in an alley—he always keeps an eye on you, and no one would dare touch you (he scares them away first)

the dev said it’d be funny to make players say something like, "what do you mean you’re kind when you’ve caused so many game overs?" when he helps you and calls himself good/kind.

yeah, he’s silly like that (luv him)

his love languages are gift-giving, quality time, and physical touch

gift-giving: as much as he loves receiving things from you, he loves giving things to you too

quality time: he can appear anywhere, anytime. sometimes, he’ll only spend a short time with you before leaving to prank someone, but at the end of the day, he’ll always come back to you—often in surprising ways (like appearing under your bed or blanket)

physical touch: the moment he reached his arms out to hug the mc, I was screaming—he’s so cute! I thought he’d be the type to dislike being touched, but he reached out first, so yeah

Mr. Scarletella

most of the main characters are born as ghosts, and since they’re born from people’s beliefs (similar to Rise of the Guardians), if people don’t believe in them, they can’t be seen

at first, I headcanoned him as asexual since he’s more of a phenomenon than a person, but this is a romantic horror game, so...

he learns about love by watching human lovers, but he’s still bad at it, and his love is twisted, so his actions aren’t exactly normal

in Japan, it’s common for guys to be shy and for girls to confess their feelings first

the scene where he says "me like you" follows a moment where we give him a gift and he says, "you like me" this can be interpreted as us confessing love to him first

the word "together" (一緒に), if I’m not wrong, can imply romantic feelings. Saying you’re going to do something together can lead someone to think you have feelings for them

physical touch: he imitates what he thinks humans consider romantic—holding hands, staying close to each other, etc.

words of affirmation: honestly, the only thing you’d probably need to say to him is to tell him to stfu already

acts of service & gift-giving: he lures someone with his illusions to lead them to his territory, just so you can hunt them down. he also helps you cover the evidence if needed and offers human prey as a gift for you

quality time: bros been spending his time stalking you since the very beginning

nsfw;

Mr. Gap

dacryphilia

if you being stressed and cry, he'd be worries, but on the bed is other thingggg broo

TEASES A LOT

like both verbally and physically with your body

orgasm denial, he enjoys keeping you on edge

likes to appear at the edge of your bed at night, crawling from your toes up to your body

appear under your blanket to fingering u

bro MIGHT just be really good at fingering

Mr. Scarletella

somnophilia

I think mr. crawling would be into this too but the different is, mr.crawling he lets you know and ensures you both consent, on other hand, mr. scarletella just does it cuz he wants

role play master-servant but he's the servant

into spanking and bl00d play too but he's M not S

[deonsx]

bachira, isagi, rin, (add ur favs if you want <3) with reader who’s love languages are like quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation + is pretty talkative and social feeling annoying?? like reader yapping away and sometimes realizing it could be boring, or reader always liking being close to them but pulling away sometimes for seemingly no reason cause they don’t wanna be a bother? (Also sfw pls I am asexual :3)

muah muah have a nice day/night drink lots of water!!! remember to take time for yourself!!!

heyaaaa im here again!!! i love this cutie rq lets do this also im adding^^ +Nagi,Sae,Kaiser

Rin Itoshi

He’s used to solitude and silence, so your constant chatter initially feels like an intrusion into his carefully constructed world

But over time, he notices how your voice fills the spaces he didn’t realize were empty. Even if you’re rambling about something he doesn’t fully understand, like the plot of a drama you’re watching or a funny story from work, he listens. He’s a quiet listener, his sharp eyes fixed on you while you speak, occasionally nodding or offering a low hum of acknowledgment

Sometimes, though, you realize you’ve been talking too much. You falter mid-sentence, worry flickering across your face. “Sorry, I’m probably boring you” you mumble, starting to pull away, both physically and emotionally. Rin frowns when this happens. “You’re not” he says, his tone firm. “Just… keep talking” It’s not a grand declaration, but it’s enough to keep you going

Your love for physical touch throws him off guard at first too. You’ll casually lean against him while watching a movie or brush your fingers against his when you’re walking together. He stiffens initially, unsure how to reciprocate, but he doesn’t pull away. In time, he grows used to your closeness, even coming to crave it

But there are moments when you suddenly withdraw. Maybe you were resting your head on his shoulder but then sit up, or you pull your hand back from his. Rin doesn’t understand why you do this and it frustrates him

One evening as you sit together on the couch, you shift away after being snuggled against him for a while. He grabs your wrist gently, stopping you “What are you doing?” You hesitate, avoiding his gaze. “I just… I don’t want to annoy you. I know I can be too much sometimes”

Rin’s grip tightens ever so slightly, his expression unreadable. “You’re not annoying.” His voice softens, a rare moment of vulnerability breaking through. “If I didn’t want you here, I’d tell you” It’s a simple reassurance, but it means everything coming from someone like Rin. Slowly, you relax and lean back into him. He doesn’t say much else, but the way his hand lingers on yours, grounding you, says enough

Bachira Meguru

Bachira genuinely enjoys hearing you talk. Whether it’s about your day a funny story or some random thought that popped into your head he listens with a wide grin his golden eyes sparkling with interest. Sometimes he even adds to your rambles tossing in jokes or exaggerated reactions that make you laugh

“Wait wait so you’re telling me the cat jumped on the table during the meeting? Was it secretly trying to take over the company?” he says dramatically making you giggle until your sides hurt

He never makes you feel boring. Instead he thrives off your energy loving how your conversations never seem to end. But the moment you start doubting yourself maybe mid-sentence when you realize you’ve been talking for a while he notices right away

“Am I talking too much?” you ask your voice suddenly hesitant. Bachira tilts his head confused “Huh? No way!” He leans closer his nose almost brushing yours. “I like your voice. Don’t stop now you were telling me about that weird customer!”

Your love for physical touch is something Bachira immediately embraces. He’s naturally affectionate and loves being close to you whether it’s linking arms holding hands or draping himself over you while you sit together. You’re like his personal magnet if he’s in the room he’s going to find his way to you

“Bee I need to cook dinner” you protest one evening as he hugs you from behind his chin resting on your shoulder ���Mm but you’re so comfy” he murmurs nuzzling into your neck “Can’t I stay here? Pretty please?”

Sometimes though you pull away unexpectedly. Maybe you feel like you’re overwhelming him or being too clingy. Bachira notices this too. The first time it happens he blinks in confusion watching as you slide to the other side of the couch or step away from his playful embrace

“Why’d you move?” he asks pouting slightly “I just… I don’t want to bother you” you admit avoiding his gaze

Bachira’s expression softens and he wastes no time closing the gap between you again. He cups your cheeks in his hands his thumbs brushing lightly against your skin “Bother me? That’s impossible.” His voice is soft but filled with conviction. “I like it when you’re close. You don’t have to pull away okay?”

The reassurance in his tone makes your chest feel lighter and you smile “Okay” Bachira thrives in your shared chaos loving every moment of your affection and chatter. To him you’re never too much; you’re the perfect match for his wild boundless energy. He even gets a little needy if you ever try to tone yourself down

“Hey” he says one day tugging at your sleeve. “Why are you so quiet today? Did I do something?” You laugh shaking your head “No I just didn’t want to talk too much and annoy you”

Bachira’s jaw drops dramatically “Annoy me? You? Never!” He wraps an arm around your shoulders pulling you into a side hug “You could talk all day and I’d still wanna hear more. So go on tell me everything”

Isagi Yoichi

At first he’s a little overwhelmed by how much you talk. You’re full of energy and always have something to say while he tends to lean on the quieter more thoughtful side. But it doesn’t take long for him to realize he enjoys the way you bring so much life into his day

He listens to you intently even when you’re going off on tangents about your favorite show or a random funny thing that happened during the day. He nods along offering small comments or questions that show he’s genuinely engaged. When you pause mid-conversation worrying that you might be talking too much Isagi is quick to reassure you

“Wait why’d you stop?” he asks tilting his head slightly his soft blue eyes full of curiosity “I don’t know… I just thought I might be boring you” you admit quietly. Isagi’s expression shifts to one of determination the same look he has on the field “You could never bore me. I like hearing you talk. It’s… comforting”

Your love for physical touch takes a bit of getting used to for Isagi. At first he stiffens slightly when you casually grab his hand or lean into his side. It’s not that he doesn’t like it he’s just not used to someone being so openly affectionate. But over time he starts to crave it. He finds himself reaching for your hand first or sitting closer to you just so your shoulders brush

One evening you’re sitting next to him on the couch and absentmindedly rest your head on his shoulder. After a few moments you pull away suddenly feeling like you might be crowding him. Isagi notices immediately

“What’s wrong?” he asks his voice laced with concern “Nothing I just didn’t want to bother you” you say looking away. He frowns slightly before gently grabbing your wrist pulling you back to him “You’re not bothering me. I like it when you’re close. Stay?”

Nagi Seishiro

Nagi is a great listener even if he doesn’t seem like it. He’ll lie back phone in hand while you go on about your day occasionally mumbling a soft “hmm” or “yeah” to let you know he’s paying attention. When you suddenly pause mid-ramble and mumble “Sorry I’m probably boring you” Nagi’s lazy eyes lift from his phone to meet yours “Not really” he says plainly his voice soft but firm. “Keep talking. It’s kinda nice”

Physical touch is another adjustment for him. You’re always leaning into him holding his hand or draping yourself over his shoulder and while he’s not the most physically expressive person he doesn’t mind it. In fact he starts to crave the warmth of your presence though he’d never outright say it

Sometimes though you pull away suddenly like when you’ve been curled up against his side during a lazy day of gaming. You’ll sit up or move to the other side of the couch a little self-conscious. Nagi notices right away and glances at you his expression unreadable

“Why’d you move” he asks his tone nonchalant though there’s a hint of curiosity in his voice “I just… I don’t want to be a bother” you admit avoiding his gaze. Nagi sighs softly setting down his controller “You’re not a bother” he says simply pulling you back to him with surprising gentleness. “You’re comfy. Don’t overthink it”

Quality time with Nagi is less about doing something grand and more about enjoying the quiet moments together. He’s perfectly content lying on the couch with you watching random videos or playing games while you talk about whatever’s on your mind. Sometimes he’ll pause his game just to listen to you more closely a small barely noticeable smile tugging at his lips

If you ever try to tone yourself down or give him space because you think you’re overwhelming him Nagi is quick to call you out in his own way “Why’re you being so quiet today” he asks one afternoon peeking at you from the corner of his eye

“I didn’t want to annoy you” you reply fiddling with your hands. Nagi sighs again this time more dramatically “You’re not annoying. You’re kinda the opposite actually. It’d be a pain if you stopped being yourself”

Sae Itoshi

He listens to you more than you realize. When you’re excitedly talking about your day or sharing a random story he doesn’t interrupt. He might offer a quiet “Hmm” or “Is that so” to show he’s listening but his responses are subtle. Sometimes you notice his lack of reaction and start to feel self-conscious

“Sorry I must be annoying” you mumble mid-sentence suddenly pulling back. Sae’s gaze sharpens slightly as he looks at you “You’re not annoying. If you were I’d tell you” His blunt honesty catches you off guard but it’s also strangely comforting

Physical touch is something Sae doesn’t quite know how to deal with at first. You’re always finding ways to be close to him draping yourself over his shoulder or reaching for his hand. He doesn’t pull away but he doesn’t reciprocate much either not because he doesn’t like it but because he’s not sure how to show it

But then there are moments when you pull away thinking you’re being too much. Like when you’ve been leaning on him during a quiet evening and suddenly sit up creating distance. Sae notices immediately

“What are you doing” he asks his tone calm but with a hint of curiosity “I just didn’t want to bother you” you say avoiding his gaze. Sae exhales softly shaking his head “If you were bothering me I’d say something. You don’t have to stop” His words are matter-of-fact but they hold an underlying sincerity that makes your chest feel lighter

Spending quality time with Sae looks a bit different. He’s not the type to plan elaborate dates or go out of his way to entertain you but he values the quiet moments you spend together. Whether it’s sitting beside him while he watches a match or walking together in comfortable silence he appreciates your presence even if he doesn’t always say it.

When you’re unusually quiet Sae notices right away. “Why aren’t you talking” he asks one day his tone almost teasing. You hesitate before answering “I just didn’t want to annoy you.”

Sae sighs softly turning to meet your eyes “You don’t annoy me. If I didn’t like being around you I wouldn’t be here”

Kaiser Michael

He’s an active participant in your endless chatter. Whether you’re recounting a random memory or diving into an elaborate story he listens intently often throwing in witty remarks or teasing comments to keep the conversation lively

“You really don’t stop talking do you” he says one day smirking as he leans closer. Before you can apologize or feel embarrassed he adds “Good. It’d be boring otherwise”

Physical touch is something Kaiser welcomes wholeheartedly. In fact he often takes the lead when it comes to affection. He’s the type to casually drape his arm around your shoulders pull you into his lap or grab your hand just because he feels like it. He thrives on being close to you and makes sure you know it

But then there are moments when you pull away suddenly like when you’re leaning against him during a quiet moment and decide to sit up creating some space. Kaiser notices instantly and his confident demeanor shifts ever so slightly

“Where are you going” he asks his tone playful but his eyes hold a flicker of genuine curiosity “I didn’t want to bother you” you mumble avoiding his gaze

Kaiser scoffs lightly shaking his head. “You? Bothering me? Don’t be ridiculous.” He reaches for your hand pulling you back to him “I like having you close. Stop overthinking”

Spending quality time with Kaiser is anything but dull. He enjoys taking you out to exciting places fancy restaurants spontaneous trips or even just a scenic walk because he loves seeing your eyes light up. At the same time he’s perfectly happy lounging with you watching a movie or simply lying around while you talk his head resting on your lap as you absentmindedly play with his hair

When you’re unusually quiet he notices right away “Alright what’s going on” he asks his tone somewhere between teasing and concerned “Nothing” you reply quickly “I just didn’t want to overwhelm you”

Kaiser raises an eyebrow leaning closer. “Overwhelm me? Please. I can handle you and more” He grins leaning in to plant a quick kiss on your forehead “I like you just the way you are so don’t hold back”

Enjoy!

[hersterical]

I’ve put a little too much thought into atla slang for gay people tonight so here’s this.

Kyoshi Island:

Speaks about sexuality openly on Kyoshi Island but knows to be more careful around outsiders.

“Is she, you know…a student of Rangi?” (gay/lesbian)

“No. But she does follow in the footsteps of Avatar Kyoshi. She prefers the versatility of the fan over the sword or the shield.” (bi)

Water Tribe:

More “traditional” than the other nations so it’s a bit more subtle and reliant on accompanying eyebrow movements, hand gestures, and tone of voice.

“He’d rather go sailing than stay in the village.” (mlm)

“She’s shown some interest in ice fishing.” (sapphic)

“I personally prefer to fish in the same waters as Avatar Kuruk.” (bi)

“He’d rather spend the winter months alone.” (ace)

Earth Kingdom:

“Are you a member of the Flying Opera Company?” (lgbt+)

No one, including the Kyoshi Islanders are aware of the origins of this particular phrase

Fire Nation:

“I’ve dabbled in dragon’s fire before.” (This phrase specifically would be something like ‘I did some experimenting in college’ but the reference to dragon’s fire/breath would mean lgbt+)

“He wears a crown of fire lilies.” (lgbt+)

Even before the hundred year war they were one of the more intolerant of the nations (based on the Kyoshi novels) and they probably only got worse during the hundred year war. I’m sure they would’ve come up with more slang by the time we get to Korra’s time but I’m out of ideas for the Fire Nation.

Air Nomads:

As they are totally open and accepting to all genders and sexualities they wouldn’t feel the need for coming up with specific labels, let alone weird secret codes and slang. When nomads begin exploring the world and start to learn about the other nation’s ideologies and slang and everything they’re always confused but respects the other nation’s traditions and cultures.

bonus

Swamp benders:

Even more open about gender and sexuality than Kyoshi Islanders. They’re super casual and blunt about it without being disrespectful but also not trying to be respectful because why would anyone be disrespectful about this? There’s a polycule consisting of roughly ten people who all connected through an asexual tribe member that each member of the polycule has a qpr with. Darryl over there is interested in folks of all sorts. His spouse is all the genders. Not to be confused with Jim over there who is none of the genders. Not to be confused with Junjun who is the third gender… (etc)

I didn’t do a big deep dive into each nation’s culture and history. This is just from the top of my head and is just for fun. Let me know if you guys have any other ideas!

[thereallyreallylatebird]

From some of the discourse I've seen, I've gotten the impression that some people think intersectionality is like math. Let me explain.

Some people think of certain identities as universally giving privilege (we'll say these have a value of +1) and some as universally taking privileged/causing discrimination/bigotry/etc. (we'll say these have a value of -1).

And what I've seen is that people will add these values and decide how hard someone has it based on the value of the product.

For example: A white (+1) Christian (+1) gay (-1) man (+1) would have a score of 2, since 1+1-1+1 is 2. (Keep in mind I'm not saying people literally do this sort of math, though I have actually seen charts that do, it's more of a way of illustrating a way of thinking I've seen.)

The problem with this, of course, is that this isn't how the world works at all. Depending on where he lived and his situation in general, that white Christian gay man could be bullied severely, called slurs, or even beaten and killed--all things you wouldn't expect going off a score of 2--because intersectionality is not like math. And because, in some places, this man's gayness would overshadow all his other identities.

Also, this mathy way of looking at things fails to consider how identities interact with each other. For instance, (and this is something several of my mutuals, but especially @dysphoria-things, have discussed in the past) a trans man's identity as a man does *not* serve to "cancel out" his being trans in the eyes of society. First, many won't even view him as a man. Second, even if he is viewed as a man by a certain group, he still may be subject to less explicit forms of transphobia. Not to mention the expectation many hold that he perform his man-ness in order for them to keep seeing him as a man. There's a lot more to unpack here specifically, but the previously mentioned mutual has already done many many posts on this, and is more qualified to speak on this than I am as a cis person, so I suggest you go check that blog out if you want to hear more on this topic.

Another example would be one of *my* identity intersections. That of being aromantic and allosexual. Now, being allosexual (not asexual) is not a minority identity. However, it by no means "cancels-out" my aromanticism. In fact, the specific combination of this majority identity (allosexuality) with my aromanticism actually leads to some seriously nasty assumptions and stereotypes. Because what do you think goes through the majority of people's (especially conservative's) heads when they hear "Oh I'm attracted to people sexually, but not romantically." Nothing flattering.

Point is, intersectionality is not like math. Having a majority identity does not necessarily mean that identity will always be rewarded (especially depending on the combination with a minority identity), and also this way of thinking is one thing that can start people down the "oppression-olympics/who has it worst" route, which is helpful and productive to exactly no one. The world is complicated, society is complicated, and people are complicated. And anything boiled down this much is usually inaccurate enough to be useless or actively harmful. Thank you for coming to my TED-talk.

[writteninlunarlight-years]

Them saying someone elses name during sex TW: AFAB Reader, 18+ MDNI, ANGST

Adam

You knew that sleeping with Adam was a risk, yet you were so in love with the man that you didn't dare refuse the offer.

His dick was divine, and the way he worshiped your body was even better.

However, you never realized that he paid such special attention to you and your needs in bed because of how much you resembled Eve.

You weren't her carbon copy by no means, but your pussy, smell, and voice were a damn close match for Adam.

As he was balls deep in you, pounding you relentlessly, it's when it happened.

A soft whine left your throat at how good he was kissing your cervix with his angry red tip when the faint 'Yes, Eve...I know you like it...' was heard.

He hadn't caught what he had said, yet you heard it clear as day, and your world shattered.

All the nights, he slept with you, not because he loved you how you loved him, but because he was trying to have a moment with Eve that he would never have again.

The following day you tried to talk about it with him, tears stained your eyes, and you shook from the sobs as he coldly reminded you that you were only a fuck, nothing more.

Your nightly visits became less and less, the ones you did have he unashamedly would moan out for Eve while he fucked you.

Eventually, you were just another woman, a notch in his bedpost as he looked for the next replacement for Eve.

Alastor

You knew all sexual interactions with him were just for steam release and nothing more. Alastor was Asexual and only seemed to seek you out for a quick get it out of my system moment.

You wouldn't lie that you felt special; he always chose you, excitement coursing through your veins when he was a little snappier and colder to others, signaling his time of need.

However, you never expected to have your whole world flipped upside down as he fucked you one night.

He had your knees to your chest as he rammed into you, making you scream and cry in blissful pain.

He was larger than any man you had been with, and this was what you craved for months that no sex worker or toy could do for you.

Yet when the words 'Oh fuck Liz, just like that' left his lips, you froze, your whole body clamming up.

He quickly realized his mistake, the walls he let down around you, and the session ended.

For weeks, you two never talked about anything that happened, and you wallowed in limbo.

You knew sex for him was just a release, yet you wouldn't lie. You fantasized about being romantic with him. Maybe that is why another woman's name from his lips hurt so badly.

When his next need arose, he called on you again, but things were awkward; he was stiff and just working you to get his own pleasure, and you were well there.

You tried to talk about what happened after he had his fill, yet he shut you out and asked you to leave, or else this would never happen again.

Lucifer

You witnessed the day Lilith left Lucifer and Charlie. It was horrible and painful, to say the least. As the one to pick up the pieces, you also became the best friend who fell in love with him.

You kept your feelings to yourself, knowing he needed time to heal and process what Lilith had done to him and his child.

However, when Charlie invited you to the hotel, it was a grand occasion and allowed you space from Lucifer so you wouldn't breach that boundary.

Only half a year after joining the hotel, he looked like a different man. He was no longer depressed and obsessed with ducks, and he was so much more handsome.

It didn't take long for the looks and touches to escalate to you riding his cock in the luxury bed that he conjured in the new hotel.

The battle, having almost taken your life, led you to believe Lucifer realized how much he loved you for what you did for him and Charlie.

However, as you moaned out again when the tip of his white cock brushed your G spot, you heard his moan too.

He grunted deeply, his hands holding your hips. 'Fuck Lilith, ride me so good, baby'

Quickly, you hopped off of him, and like lightning struck, Lucifer realized what had happened. Apologies after the apology had left his lips, but nothing mattered to you.

You avoided Lucifer like the plague; eventually, the whole hotel noticed. Even though he was heartbroken to lose his friend, he couldn't deny his love for Lilith.

It could have been more productive when Charlie finally convinced you two to sit down and talk. It was only filled with you asking why he would sleep with you, knowing you cared for him, and him simply sitting in guilty silence.

Not too long after, you left the hotel and were never heard from again as you reclused to avoid the sting of always being the other woman.

Husk

It was hard to get in Husk's bed, and he wouldn't deny that he had some underlying feelings for you. He also knew you; you were as hopelessly in love with him as he was with someone else.

He hated using you, but he convinced himself he could be a better man and make himself love you and care for you.

He treated your body right each night he brought you to his bedroom, from sensual make-outs to hours between your thighs.

However, as the rouse continued, he almost convinced himself he finally began to love you how you loved him, yet he was dead wrong.

You were on your hands and knees before him, back arched beautifully, and your moans muffled by the soft pillows.

When it happened, you were begging so nicely for more of him to be filled to the brim with his kits.

As he came deep inside your gummy walls, he let out, "Fuck, Angel feels so good in you," and your high was quickly erased.

Husk realized immediately, even while drunk, what had happened. Sorry's, and let me explain, left his mouth as you looked at him and yourself with disgust.

You know the two had a thing for one another, but due to their contracts, they were separated. A pitiful laugh left your mouth as you gathered your clothes and did the walk of shame.

As you made it back to your room in the hotel, you saw Angel, and though you cared for the sex worker, you couldn't help the venom that left your voice when he asked what had happened to you.

You just hope when the two finally fuck, Husk remembers what he did to you and hurts as badly as he hurt you.

Vox

Vox was a man of carnal pleasure, and he was known to get around; his only consistent sex partner was Val, but when things went south between them, it was rough.

You happened to stumble into the world of the Vees around that time, and Vox took a special interest in you and what you could offer.

At first, for you, the sex was transactional, your safety and protection for the price of being dicked down by the overlord of cyber security.

However, it grew to be more over the years, and you wanted it to be more than just a quick fuck or a rough session.

When you propositioned a more sensual night, Vox relented, seeing as it had been years of using you for his pleasure, and he was sure he would be fine.

However, as the night progressed and he languidly slid in and out of your frothy tight hole, he began to lose himself.

As you came over and over from his hands and cock you couldn't help but feel something was off with Vox; he usually was aggressive, and even though you asked for something more sensual, you figured he would cave by now.

However when you looked over your shoulder and saw the blue 'Fuck I miss you Val' screen on his face you felt your whole mood shift.

He wanted Val and always had; you were just the convenient dumb fuck that appeared right when he needed you.

Vox doesn't remember most of that night or when you became so cold about having sex with him. You went from excited to barely caring.

He also had no idea what possessed you to suddenly seek out Valentino's or Velvette's beds. He was shocked that you willingly stopped being his personal toy so blatantly.

It hurt him, but he would never know how badly he had hurt you.

Prompt assistance: @literallurker

[delucat]

25 Questions About Bloody Painter

1. Birthday? Height? Physique?

Born on October 1, 1980, under the Libra sign.

In the current storyline, he's about 26 years old.

He stands 178 cm tall with a well-built physique.

2. Favorite food and drink?

He loves sweets and cocoa; basically, he enjoys all kinds of chocolate.

In all official works, the brown drink you see him consuming is not coffee but cocoa.

3. What kind of scent does he have?

He uses perfume to mask the smell of formalin used in specimen preparation or the rusty smell of blood.

His preferred scent is oceanic.

4. His MBTI?

INTJ.

5. Preferred clothing style?

He likes simple and sleek outfits, often wearing colors in calm tones.

Also, the blue jacket he usually wears isn’t a trench coat; it’s a suit jacket.

6. Does he smoke or drink?

He doesn't smoke or drink because he finds the smell of smoke pungent and dislikes the bitter taste of alcohol.

If he has to drink, he prefers fruity soda-like alcohol or sweet cocktails that barely taste like alcohol (he has childlike taste preferences). His alcohol tolerance is average.

7. Does he listen to music? What genre?

He listens to almost anything and becomes particularly interested in music with unique styles from an artistic appreciation standpoint.

8. How does he kill?

He's a clean freak and dislikes making a mess at crime scenes.

His methods focus on easy cleanup, avoiding unnecessary torture of his victims.

9. Does he cook for himself? What type of dishes does he usually make?

He’s good at household chores and can prepare common Western dishes.

10. Favorite color?

Blue.

11. Does he watch TV shows or movies? What genres does he like?

Yes, he enjoys anything with innovative themes or visual techniques.

However, he dislikes romance dramas because he can't understand or relate to love, which makes them boring for him.

12. Is he a light or heavy sleeper?

He’s a night owl and a light sleeper, which causes his prominent dark circles.

13. When does he wear gloves?

He only wears gloves when handling objects or when he doesn’t want to leave fingerprints.

14. Preferred medium for painting?

For his public art, he prefers oil paints for oil paintings.

As for those darker pieces, he might mix in victims' blood or other substances.

15. Does he smile when he’s in a good mood?

Yes, but it’s rare for anyone to see it. Also, when he’s shy, he tries to hide his emotions by looking away, but his flushed cheeks and ears give him away.

16. Regarding character pairings?

In the 2018 version update, all pairings with other authors' OCs were removed to keep his story realistic. He is currently single.

However, fans are free to create any pairings in their fanworks.

17. Defining trait?

Selfishness.

18. Sexual orientation?

He identifies as agender, meaning he doesn’t feel tied to any particular gender. His attraction to others is based purely on his mood and feelings.

To put it simply, he doesn’t care about gender.

Also, agender ≠ asexual; he still has sexual desires but finds it difficult to develop intimate relationships due to his cautious nature (which likely means he's still a virgin).

19. In terms of intimacy?

He behaves gently and gentlemanly, but he has a deep-seated violent streak.

If his partner consents, he may become more dominant and leave marks, enjoying the sense of control.

20. Does he have possessiveness towards his partner?

Yes, but he respects his partner, so he wouldn’t try to control or limit them.

However, it’s clear when he’s jealous!

21. What was his childhood like?

He suffered severe mental abuse from his controlling mother, leaving him psychologically shattered, though his body bears no signs of physical abuse.

For more details, refer to the 2018 version story animation: https://youtu.be/AaHgY62-ggI

22. Would he make a good father?

Since he never experienced a normal family life, he doesn’t believe he would be a good father and doesn’t aspire to become one.

He thinks, "The world doesn’t need another me." However, he would make a great older brother or mentor.

23. Ethnicity and nationality?

The official story doesn’t specify his nationality, but he is ethnically white.

24. Is he really afraid of cockroaches?

He’s not afraid of insects and even makes insect specimens.

His fear of cockroaches stems more from his germaphobia than the insect itself, as he perceives them as dirty creatures.

25. Any other tidbits?

● He values manners, so he avoids cursing. Still, in moments of stress, he might accidentally let out a quiet curse. 

● When he’s alone and relaxed or happy, he hums to himself.

=================================== 

Do you have any more questions about Bloody Painter?

Feel free to ask in the comments, and I’ll reply when I have time!

[aroaessidhe]

2024 reads / storygraph

Kill Your Darlings

a depressed author struggling to finish the last book in her bestselling fantasy series lucid dreams into the protagonist in the midst of the narrative and can't get out

she uses her omniscient knowledge to help them win the war and survive, despite not having any of her protagonist's magic powers - but when she starts to change things she can’t predict, and starts to forget her life before, things get more and more chaotic

explores mental health & suicidal ideation

ace MC

[one-paper-bag]

okay i know the girlies are talking about Isaac in regards to the aroace rep and realisations (and as they should he’s a phenomenal character and he means the world to me!!) but can we talk about Charlie in s2 episode 6 when he says to Nick “if you didn’t ever want to do it, then I wouldn’t either.”

i’m asexual biromantic and i worry about being rejected for not wanting something that 99% of the population wants, i’m worried that i won’t be able to have a fulfilling relationship with an allo person because i feel like i’d be robbing them of something that i’ve been taught is expected in relationships. But hearing Charlie say, so easily, “if you didn’t ever want to do it… I wouldn’t either.” is so personal to me because he’s literally saying that he can still love Nick and be in a fulfilling relationship with him and never have sex and that it’s okay if Nick never wants to have sex

[cookinguptales]

So… I’ve been turning all this over in my head since last night, and I wanted to make a post about vampiric transformation as sex, and how it’s being used in wwdits as a metaphor for sexual repression, sexual freedom, virginity, and cuckolding.

Before I even get into the obvious metaphors about virginity and cuckolding, I think we need to talk about the elephant in the room. Guillermo’s sexual repression and how that’s come to find an outlet in his vampiric longing.

Guillermo is highly repressed, sexually speaking, but I don’t think he’s asexual. He’s shown interest in sex several times, but in an uncomfortable “this can’t be for me yet” kind of way. He was clearly raised Catholic and has internalized a lot of that shame re: sex, especially gay sex. He wants intimacy, but he’s also internalized the idea that wanting these things is dangerous and shameful.

But… the vampiric world seems to symbolize all the things that Guillermo wants but cannot have. He wants to be strong, powerful, attractive, and sexually liberated. As much as their openness about sex embarrasses him, there’s a certain longing there, too. He didn’t just want to be handsome as a vampire — he explicitly used the word “sexy.”

A vampiric Guillermo is a version of Guillermo that gets to have sex. Loudly, proudly, and without shame. It’s a version of him that is wanted, that wants, and who gets to have the precise kind of intimacy he's always craved.

Now, how much Guillermo has actually done sexually is still up for a lot of debate in fandom, but I think that’s kind of immaterial. For most of the show, Guillermo clearly wasn’t having the kind of intimacy that he wanted to be having, and he only started to even begin to allow himself to seriously consider all that in s4, when he got a boyfriend and came out to his family.

As being gay and wanting to be a vampire. 

Guillermo is finally starting to own both his homosexuality and his vampiric life, and that means he’s finally starting to explore sex.

Now… At the end of s4, I talked about how Guillermo going to Derek in the finale had the air of a person who’d been fantasizing about losing their virginity in a certain way all their life — but then they finally give up on those dreams and hire a sex worker instead. There’s a resignation there in Guillermo that he couldn’t get it “the old-fashioned way,” he’s disappointed and jaded when it comes to intimate relationships, and now he’s tired of waiting for love and just wants a business transaction.

I wasn’t quite expecting for them to push that metaphor even more in s5! The money aspect was almost forgotten (Did… Derek even take the money? Why is he still cleaning toilets?) but the scene with Derek biting Guillermo was clearly a metaphorical virginity scene.

Guillermo’s nervous eagerness, his growing realization that this wasn’t actually the way he wanted it to happen. Asking Derek if he’d ever done this before and figuring out if he was “ready.” Taking off his clothes (that his grandmother got for him, even, that’s a whole meta post right THERE) and trying to make the vibe “right.” His insistence that though Nandor had never done this for him, they still had a caring and intimate relationship.

But… it was also a metaphor for bad sex. Many people lose their virginity in a way they don’t find satisfying, and Guillermo definitely seems to fall in this category. It was awkward, it was bloody, it hurt, his partner didn’t listen to him, they weren’t on the same wavelength, they didn’t connect, there was no emotional bond, and most importantly, he didn’t feel changed.

Like a lot of people do, Guillermo thought losing his virginity would change him. He’d be cooler, sexier, more powerful. His station in life would change. He’d become an adult his ideal form. But he’s still just Guillermo.

As he told Laszlo, as soon as he did it, he regretted it. He immediately knew that he’d been right, that this wasn’t the way he wanted to do it. He wanted to do it with someone experienced who loved and cared about him, who listened to him, and he wanted that person to be Nandor. But he wasn’t patient, he paid an inexperienced acquaintance for a one-night-stand instead, and he was left feeling deeply unfulfilled.

Most upsettingly, he immediately discovered that, like virginity, you can’t lose it twice. He can’t just have a do-over with Nandor now. He’s given something up that he can’t give to anyone else, and he’s going to have to live with the consequences.

Because like sex for humans, transformation has social implications in the vampire world. It can only be done in very specific situations. Guillermo seems to have grown up in a human world where sex should only be happening within a heterosexual marriage, and now he’s finding that in the vampire world, transformation is only supposed to happen between a master and familiar currently in a contractual bond.

So… him going to Derek and finding “outlet” in another relationship, so to speak, is effectively vampirically cuckolding Nandor. He’s given that honor to another vampire, which Nandor seems to find both vampirically humiliating and personally hurtful. It would in fact hurt him so badly that he would probably not survive it, in Laszlo’s words.

(There’s also definitely an element of an abusive “if I can’t have you, no one can” vibe in Nandor’s threat to kill Guillermo and then himself if Guillermo got what he needed from another vampire, but since when have we ever liked them well-adjusted?)

Guillermo is realizing that, as much as he’s been thinking of this in sexual terms, so have the vampires. He thought he was the only one who thought it was a big deal. He thought he was the only one placing intimacy and partnership and loyalty into this event. But now he’s realizing that as much as it meant to him, it might have even been a bigger thing for Nandor.

For Guillermo, vampirism-as-sex represents the idealized transformational aspects of losing your virginity. He’d built up this big event in his mind that represented his intimate bond with Nandor, he’d built up this idea that the event would change him, would make him better, would make him free. But he’s finding, like many first-timers do, that sometimes it’s not transformational. It’s just awkward and disappointing and the only thing that’s changed is that you ache in the morning.

He still doesn’t have the intimacy he wanted. He still doesn’t have the ability to be loudly himself. He still hasn’t been able to fully own his sexuality and ask for what he wants. He wasn’t ready. He didn’t enjoy it. He regrets it.

He also regrets it because now he knows it will hurt Nandor and the relationship they’ve built. Because for Nandor, vampirism-as-sex represents the societal aspects of sex. The rules people follow. The societal humiliation you feel if you’re cuckolded. The personal agony you feel when you’re cheated on. The sense that your home is broken if your partner goes to find satisfaction with someone else.

Guillermo, who has had to deal with societal disapproval of his desired type of sex in the human world his whole life, was viewing vampiric transformation as a way to be free of all that. The shame and the repression and the societal penalties for being himself.

But he’s just found himself in a mess of new rules, hasn’t he? Different culture, same struggle. And while the vampiric world has always symbolized a sexual liberation that both repulses and attracts Guillermo, he clearly doesn’t have as much freedom here as he thought.

So… to sum up, Guillermo always kind of thought of transformation as losing his virginity. He associated vampirism with sex, and he thought this would be his entrance into the sexual world. He wanted to have an intimate experience with Nandor, but eventually gave up on that and decided to pay for it — and then immediately regretted it, both because he found it personally dissatisfying and because it came as a betrayal to the man he loves.

The problem is that he thought he was the only person thinking of it as sex — he didn’t realize that Nandor does, too, just in a very different way.

Nandor was also thinking of vampiric transformation as this special act, and one that belongs only to him as Guillermo’s master/partner. He was thinking of it in intimate terms, but also in societal partnership terms. He’s thinking of his household, while Guillermo was thinking of things on more individualistic terms.

If only they’d both talked about all this shit even once. :’)

But that’s not how we do things here in Staten Island!!! We just long for things ineffectively, keep secrets, and fuck everything up!

(There’s also a whole thing here about how Nandor wasn’t keeping his side of the relationship bargain and that’s why Guillermo looked elsewhere in a moment of weakness, but I guess that’s probably a separate post. This is long enough already.)

[what-even-is-thiss]

I’ve been on one date in my entire life and we got coffee and walked around the neighborhood just talking about our lives. We were both transmasc, both asexual, looking to get started in life. I texted him merry Christmas on Christmas eve and he said “You too, man.” and I never got another reply again.

What a strange thing. A strange moment. To find someone whose world aligns with yours so cleanly to have such a nice evening and then they just never call you again. It would probably mean less if I’ve had a hundred dates in my life but I’ve just had the one. So it’s the only one that there is to haunt me.

That was two years ago. I wonder how he’s doing now. If that thing with his job worked out. I wonder who he wonders about. I wonder if I would’ve liked him still if we’d had a second date. If we would’ve kissed or hugged, because we didn’t get to it on the first one. I’ll never know. I shouldn’t wonder, but he’s the only one I have to wonder about because his eyes were brown right next to my blue ones. Same height as me. Binder poking out from under his shirt. Vaping cotton candy out into the wind. I’m sure it meant almost nothing in the grand scheme of things but again, I’ve got limited things to dwell on.