#aromanticism is so scary for no reason

[stupidbookworm]

On coming to terms with my aromanticism

I remember the first time I saw the word asexual outside of science class. (Funnily enough, it was a Tumblr post screenshot reposted on insta) I didn't know much at the time about anything, but reading those few lines about what asexuality was felt like homecoming. It just clicked.

That's me, I'm not alone!

(Still took me a good 4-5 years before I completely, unashamedly accepted it. Thanks allonormativity --)

For some reason, aromanticism was much harder to come to terms with. I didn't want to think about it, didn't want to entertain the possibility—probably because I already knew on some level.

Asexuality was a warm embrace after a long night out.

Aromanticism was a plunge in freezing water. It was (is) terrifying.

My guess is this has to do with how society encourages and rewards innocent romantic relationships. Growing up, I never thought about sex being a defining part of a romantic relationship, and it's not like adults were going to spell it out to kid me either.

But romantic attraction has always been the main attraction. I was 4 in kindergarten and already the idea of finding a romantic partner was ingrained in my head. I was 10 in elementary seeing others fuss over their crush and how much they wanted a significant other. I was 14 in secondary school barely able to think of myself as asexual without feeling like I'd failed the human experience. I was 19 realizing a close friend wanted more yet I couldn't imagine myself reciprocating, no matter the person on the other side.

I am 20, scared senseless of my lack of romantic attraction.

I am 20, learning to live in a world molded into a heart shape.

Still, I catch myself thinking maybe I'll meet someone who'll change my mind. It's just too early, right?

What a painful thought, when I know it won't change anything. I'd take a best friend over a lover any day. Platonic over romantic love is an evidence, yet I can't help myself feeling like an incomplete puzzle.

It will take me some time still before I will wholly feel okay in my own skin. But the warmth and acceptance found in the aroace community will never fail to remind me I'm not alone.

Happy Aro week, hope everyone gets to enjoy their favourite chocolate.

[leikeliscomet]

I genuinely think the reason people leave out Black asexuals and aromantics is because we contradict too much. To fully acknowledge Black asexuality and aromanticism means questioning the idea sexual & romantic absence = whiteness. Why do you think asexual and aromantic = sexless and why sexless = white. It means unpacking what is so non-asexual about Blackness. What is so non-aromantic about Blackness. It means unpacking why Black lovelessness is uniquely heartless. It means unpacking why you're comfortable with the exclusion of Black love, but are scared by Black lovelessness. It means unpacking why you think Black asexuality can't exist outside of Black desexualisation. It means unpacking why you think Black aromanticism can't exist outside sexualisation. And vice versa. It means unpacking why don't think Black people have the actual autonomy to be ace and/or aro. It means unpacking why people more marginalised than you can make space for asexuality and aromanticism when you can't, despite it being an 'oppressor' identity. It means unpacking why the only mainstream representations of Black asexuality and aromanticism that could exist are the Mammy and the Jezebel and Mandingo. It means unpacking that sexless and loveless Black people don't benefit from these tropes. It means unpacking why sexlessness and lovelessness is seen as purity and why Black ace and/or aro people don't to be 'pure'. It means not only asking why asexuality and aromanticism is associated with being white, but actively asking why asexuality and aromanticism 'can't' be associated with being Black. It means unpacking why you can't name any Black ace and/or aro characters or public figures. It means addressing what happens when asexuality and aromanticism stop existing in vacuums and start overlapping with the identities you actually 'get'. These are the scary questions you get to ignore when you can just claim being ace and/or aro is 'white and cishet' identity instead.

[fluffydice]

Here’s a small essay on Saiki’s aromanticism that I’ve been meaning to write lol

I think a big reason why some people absolutely go insane when Saiki is shipped with someone (despite the fact that being aro is a spectrum) is that there’s a certain degree of complexity in understanding it. I’m not aro, but I am pretty sex-neutral most of the time (and if my feelings change in this, I’m more likely to be repulsed than positive on most days), and it’s not always an easy thing to get. It’s fascinating, but sometimes scary and disgusting. Despite this, I’m not totally against the idea. It’s not just not a black and white situation. And I think the same could be argued for Saiki’s sexuality.

He’s been shown to at least experience romantic attraction. Whether that’s through something as obvious as Satou to more subtle things like being mildly flustered over Teruhashi. Even though he seems pretty averse to it sometimes, it intrigues him. He likes romance stories, whether fictional or not.

And there’s that complexity again

Saiki is a hard character to understand if someone struggles with the idea of complexity in characters, because that’s all he fucking is. He’s such an unreliable narrator about so much that it’s hard to tell truths from just his words alone. (And sometimes people don’t agree on what should be taken as truth!) You need to pay attention to the things he does, and know when to take his words with a grain of salt. I think that a lot of people on tiktok and stuff struggle with dichotomies like that in literature, and things that aren’t spoonfed to them just aren’t payed any mind.

Of course, it’s totally okay when people want to headcanon Saiki as entirely romance repulsed. That’s a perfectly good interpretation of his character. But when aggression starts because someone believes it’s the only way his character can be read, I believe that’s when we start seeing the issue of being unable to see complexity in characters (especially for a sexuality that’s a spectrum. I’d argue it’s harder to understand than someone being entirely gay or straight).

[trickstersaint]

I played through Aromanticism. I really loved it, and the ending I got ended up making me tear up a little bit. I'm not entirely sure if I'm aromantic, I connected really hard to the poem for personal reasons. And I won't be solving whether or not I am aromantic in your inbox. But I've thought about it a few times. every time I've felt really fearful at the possibility that I might be aromantic. But your poem made me less scared, for just a moment at least.

that makes me so happy to hear. whether you connected to it as an aromantic person or not, if you felt a connection, the poem is meant for you 🖤 i had a lot to say about the reasons that being aro can be a scary prospect, but i think we both know what that mindset is like. as i hope i have already said to you through the poem: it's alright to be afraid. it's also alright to be aromantic. no matter what happens, no matter what you end up deciding for yourself, there is a life out there that awaits you, and it is full of every possibility that you could ever want. take all the time that you want and need with it, be kind to yourself, and don't allow fear to keep you from potential happiness 🖤

if you'd like another space to think about aromanticism/be with aro people, you're welcome to pay a visit to my little aro blog. whether you're aro or not might not get solved in my inbox, but the inbox is always open to you to talk about it, no matter how big or small the issue might be. sending so much affection 🖤

[mossiestpiglet]

12 for Harold Bloor

12. What’s a headcanon you have for this character?

I have so many but some I think about quite a lot/that influence a lot of other things I think about are:

He was in the drama department- I think being in the drama department just is a Bloor Thing, and it contributes to them being so insufferable, but in different ways. Harold is super pretentious about plays but only really cares about them as texts, not performance.

Has hated Paton since they were kids in school together but it’s all for reasons he will never admit to (too vulnerable and/or petty), so when Paton starts to be more active against the Bloors during the series Harold is kind of game for it because at least now he has an excuse to go “fuck that guy” (he is also shitting his pants tho because he did NOT know Paton was that scary and boy is Harold out of his depth)

Going to college and getting a doctorate was super important to him because it was the most normal period he was ever going to have in his life and he just wants to be a Normal (Very Powerful) Man. His doctorate is in history because that sounds good for an educator but mostly because he knew Paton liked history more than anything and would never be able to go to college with his endowment and Harold is just that petty.

He has heard of bisexuality but just doesn’t bother thinking about it because What’s The Point (he already knows the woman he marries will be essentially chosen for him, marriage and family are a job, not love), but he did sleep around during college with a bunch of people because it was his only chance to experience choosing his partners.

Tbh learning about aromanticism would initially just confuse him more than fix him because he is so deep in his belief that love is for poor people.

[physalian]

The Ace Character Guide

I am firmly in the “you don’t need to be part of X minority to write characters in X minority” camp. If we didn’t celebrate people learning, researching, and trying, we’d keep these dividers up. Now if your plan is to write a character explicitly suffering the nuanced and painful circumstances of why they’re a minority maybe don’t do that if you don’t personally have that experience?

Anyway! I want more aces in fiction. Thus, non-aces should get comfortable writing us, cause we’re really not that scary, and there’s a ton of variety within the ace spectrum. I’m including demisexuals in here, but not aromantics because I am not any authority on aromanticism. As seen in the graph above, your ace, or aces, can be wildly different than whatever stereotype you have in your head.

You can be an ace romantic, you can be ace and any other sexuality or gender identity, you can be poly and ace. There is no limit.

So I spent way too long on the above graph that should include gender identity on it but that would require three axes and I want to keep this simple, so for today's purposes "orientation" includes gender identity. Here's five ace characters you could potentially write:

Character A: This character's aceness is neutral, as is their sexuality, since they don't desire anyone regardless of what's in their pants. They might have it from time to time, but will let the opportunity arise and the planets align to feel in the mood for it.

Character B: This character could be gay, bi, pan, lesbian, etc, and are more on the sex-positive side and leaning toward demi. They'll do it, maybe seek it out, but likely not with a stranger and not very often. They might only do it with their partner or someone they trust.

Character C: This character is, for all other intents and purposes, straight and cis. They might have a long-term partner, they might not, but they'll do it when the inclination arises, just probably won't have a hook-up or a one-night-stand with a stranger.

Character D: This character is also, for all other intents and purposes, straight and cis, but they want little to do with sex. Doesn't matter if they're in a romantic relationship. They don't seek it out and might actively avoid situations where they'd be pressured to participate.

Character E: This character is LGBTQ+ of some variety, but still not a fan of sex. They do not need a reason to justify their gayness because straight isn't the default. They might be in a monogomous or polyamourous relationship and in it for the cuddles and attention.

What does all that mean? It means I can write a gay male character who isn’t going to seek out someone to sleep with but might dabble if he’s in the mood and someone approaches him first, and still call him ace. I can also write a straight, cis-woman who wants absolutely nothing to do with it or any of its byproducts, and call her ace.

Asexuality isn’t necessarily a lack of libido, it’s a lack of attraction to other people. Aces aren’t all prude, clueless virgins, our sexuality is self-contained. Or, sometimes, it really is the lack of drive for any and all thoughts and sensations toward sex.

It’s a spectrum. A very wide and inclusive spectrum, which means there’s a lot of room to play around and not very many no-no’s (at least in my opinion). You can still write your aces in sex scenes. You can still write them finding other characters attractive. You can still write them wanting sex at all.

The no-no’s:

Every ace ever has heard “you just haven’t found the right person yet”. If you write an ace and their arc is *curing themselves* you’re completely missing the point

Thus, writing your ace realizing they’re *cured* after some amazing fanfic-level sexy times is also in bad form.

Writing an ace who’s ’I hate being ace it’s misery’ all the time. It’s not miserable. The only thing miserable about it is how we aren’t taken seriously by society.

An ace with a non-ace partner who justifies their partner cheating because they see themselves as “not good enough” or their relationship insufficient. This happens, and this is for ace authors only imo.

Ace who suddenly isn’t because of alcohol, medication, or drugs now *free* from their “disorder”

Ace = autistic/[insert mental disorder]. Yes, sometimes it can overlap, when you have people with sensory issues that includes a dislike for sex, but ace ≠ mental disorder in any way shape or form. If you’re going to write this, you’d better have that neurodivergence yourself or are super close with someone who does.

An ace who is only ace because of trauma, in a book that says asexuality is only possible through trauma and not just a thing that people feel

An ace who thinks they're an incel because they don't think anyone will love them without putting out, and the book's plot proves them right.

—

Why does this matter? Why do we want to see representation so badly? Two reasons, I think it can be boiled down to:

Sex ≠ Love. Intimacy doesn’t mean attraction.

Sex ≠ the only motivation a character can have.

Part of the reason I hated Disney’s Loki was because he spent a decade of real-world time being motivated by power, vengeance, redemption, fear, hate, respect, and insecurity. Loki never needed a romantic subplot to fulfill his arc and the one they gave him was garbage.

I support the drifting away from the obligatory romantic subplot, too (for all my aros out there) however, what’s even rarer is a romantic subplot that doesn’t include lust. A romance that is all about the emotional, personal connection, not just physical.

But it’s also about this dire need we have to unlearn that any attempt at physical intimacy at any level certainly means that sex is the endgame, particularly for men. Please write more characters that hug and cuddle on the couch to watch a movie and casually touch each other and even share a bed *without* it leading anywhere. Characters who hold hands just because. Who give cheek/nose/forehead kisses just for fun, or for love. Characters who don’t flip out when their crush takes their shirt off. Characters who can (or even prefer not to) see each other naked without libido getting in the way.

Now then.

What if you do want to write your ace pursuing or getting sex? (Or, fandom forbid, taking a canonical ace and writing them in a relationship and/or getting intimate). Aces can still want sex. But if you’re writing an ace solely to write them in a sex scene, why are you writing an ace?

If that’s only part of their character and not their primary motivation or arc, here’s some suggestions:

An ace who is curious about sex and wants to try it with someone they trust

An ace curious about sex so they hire a sex worker so there’s no perforamce pressure or emotional risk

An ace who will take the opportunity if it arises, but won’t go out looking for it

An ace determined to please their non-ace partner within the realm of their comfort zone (tread lightly here)

An ace who still (annoyingly or otherwise) dreams and fantasizes about other characters, and deals with that alone

An ace who doesn’t like anything done to them, but can get creative with their partner, or vice versa

An ace who does like some things but not all things related to sex. E.g. an ace that likes kissing but doesn’t want to go further than that.

An ace in a healthy and communicative relationship with another ace or a non-ace and there are zero worries of infidelity or the non-ace person leaving them

An ace who says no at any point and their partner listens and they go have fun doing anything else

I didn’t address Demis much but I think many of the same guidelines apply? Demis just have that one special person. But, see? We’re not scary.

I also don’t support the “minority representation must never be painted in a bad light/be the villain/be at all a jerk of a character because reasons”. If you want to make your villain ace, you have my permission. ***however*** Don’t make their aceness the root of their villainy, and don’t make them insult or degrade other characters for not being ace. Also, try to have at least one other ace in the cast, preferably on the hero side.

When in doubt, consult a sensitivity reader. I’m happy to oblige, because I very badly want my own army of fictional aces to fall in love with and they aren’t going to write themselves.

[yardsards]

What made you realize you’re aro? An idea has been planted in my head of me being aro

i feel like for me, my thing was less about *realizing* i was aro and more about *accepting* that i was aro. (also talk abt my asexuality in here bc those two parts of my identity feel very intertwined. and some gender stuff as well)

as a little kid, i didn't have any crushes. i assumed all my classmates that said they had crushes were just lying or doing some kind of social performance that i (as an undiagnosed autistic who frequently felt left out by my peers' social rules) figured i just didn't get. i figured real crushes wouldn't happen til we were teenagers or something.

when i was like 13, i was clicking around on wikipedia, and found an article about asexuality. immediately i identified myself in it (and realized that oh, it wasn't the default). my confusion about why the girls my age always talked about finding guys hot finally made sense to me. it just clicked into place.

i read up more about asexuality. i looked at the asexual tag on tumblr. i learned about aromanticism and the split attraction model.

but i wasn't ready to accept being aromantic yet. i labelled myself a heteroromantic asexual for several months, maybe even a year. the idea of never having sex wasn't scary to me. but the idea of never falling in love was *terrifying*. so i told myself i just hadn't met the right boy yet and would grow into it. (you'd think a 13 year old would figure out their romantic orientation before their sexual orientation, cuz it's normal for sexual attraction to not be fully developed yet. but i was not coming from the most logical place here)

over time, seeing aromantics online, and unlearning heteronormativity and amatonormativity, the idea of being aromantic started to feel less scary. so i *began* to accept the fact that i could be aro and that would be okay, and started calling myself aromantic.

but a part of me still didn't *want* to be aromantic.

i tried looking for alternative explanations. i questioned if i was a lesbian: i now knew i didn't want to be any boy's girlfriend, but being a girl's girlfriend was never shoved down my throat (and didn't have heteronormative gender roles baked into it) the way dating boys was and so didn't make me so viscerally uncomfortable. and something about butch lesbians really resonated with me (hello repressed gender crisis). i found girls pretty to look at, and fun to draw.

and i had this female friend that i tended to cling to (i have always had a habit of clinging stronglyvto one best friend at a time in my younger years, as a weird autism-anxiety thing). i liked being by her side, and i wanted to hold her hand. i wanted us to be in each other's lives forever. i found myself jealous when she paid more attention to her various boyfriends and girlfriends than me. (later on i realized that she actually wasn't a very good friend and treated all of her friends like free therapy or pit stops between romantic partners. very high school.)

then i realized i was trans, and came out to some close friends.

and then two separate male-aligned friends both admitted romantic feelings towards me in a very close timespan. it made me feel warm when they told me they wanted to be with me. but i told them i didn't think i reciprocated the feelings. both of them told me they'd be okay with something queerplatonic instead of romantic. but i told them i wasn't sure about that either bc commitment like that was scary to me. and i wasn't sure that if i did want a qpr if i would want it with either of them specifically.

i started to think, maybe i was biromantic. the idea of being a boy's boyfriend didn't make my skin crawl the same way the idea of being a boy's girlfriend did. i wondered if maybe the reason i didn't say yes to being in a romantic relationship was just the same reasons i also didn't say yes to being in a queerplatonic relationship (commitment issues/not being sure if either of those particular people were right for me)

but i slowly realized that all of my feelings that i was hoping to fit into a romantic box just. weren't romantic and couldn't be forced to be romantic. it was all either just strong platonic love (i remember noting that it was roughly the same type of love i'd felt towards favorite cousins, who the idea of being romantic with obviously disgusted me). or in other cases were just me being lonely and wanting to be loved and paid attention to, and wanting any love i could get even if it were romantic. and being so afraid of being abandoned in favour of everyone getting romantic partners (because our amatonormative society says that friends should always come second to romantic partners, plus that first girl friend regularly ditching me for her partners increasing that fear) so i was hoping to be in a romantic relationship with the people i loved platonically so that i wouldn't have to worry about them leaving me behind.

idk if i explained it well, and idk if any of this is helpful to you. but yeah.

[comfymoth]

tntduo qpr thoughts except you don't keep it short ? 👀 if you have the time ofc !

ahdkdj okay so these are pretty scattered and rambly so they're going under the cut, but—

a big part of the reason it takes wilbur so long to figure out his aromanticism is because of how it interacts with his mood swings. because he expects himself to feel romantic attraction, because he wants to feel it, he starts off mistaking a lot of his more intense manic feelings for attraction, and whenever it fades he assumes that it’s some sort of failure on his part or proof that he’s bad at relationships. in all of his angst he’s convinced himself that he can’t feel love properly, and it’s not until he starts working on his mental health that he realizes he does feel love, just a different kind. and that’s okay. he doesn’t have to spend his life chasing the intensity he thought he should have been feeling.

and of course for quackity so much of this is tied up in his attachment issues and his need for that same intensity. it’s difficult for him to admit that, because he doesn’t want to admit he has any kind of problem and especially not one this intimate, but eventually he has to because the alternative is self-destructive. it’s hard for him initially to settle into anything that doesn’t feel all-consuming all the time, but he gets there, with time. first with his fiances, and then with wilbur.

wilbur is— hesitant? initially? to mention the idea of a qpr mainly because of quackity’s fiances. mostly because he doesn’t want to overstep, of course, but also partially because he doesn’t think quackity would want something like that when he has romantic partners. wilbur’s been married before, so he thinks he knows what married people want, and that doesn’t include a platonic extra. of course, he turns out to be very wrong though, because quackity does want that. he’s the first one to bring it up. maybe not in the most sensible way, it’s when they’re both overtired and quackity makes a joke about ‘kissing your friends goodnight,’ but it opens the door at least. and in the morning they have a real talk about it.

and i think they are pretty physically affectionate with each other, in a casual sort of way. sure, it depends on the day— they both have their own issues around touch, and some days it’s just not something that can happen, but even then they like to stay close. mostly, though, they’re just good emotional supports for each other. they have an understanding of each other that no one else really does, and there’s something really safe in that. they both spent a lot of time convincing themselves they were something scary and ugly and dangerous, and it’s good to have someone now who gets it, and who can talk openly and honestly about it and just laugh about it in the end.

[askanaroace]

Ask An Aro Ace ASAW Day 1: Trauma-Based Aromanticism

So today I want to write a bit about what it's like to be aromantic when your aromanticism is trauma-based, such as when a traumatic experience completely cut away your romantic attraction or when you still experience attraction but lack the motivation, confidence, or desire to act on it due to a traumatic experience.

Regardless of your flavor of queer, being queer is always scary in some way. You might be afraid of accepting your queerness, afraid of being wrong and different - afraid of being persecuted and oppressed. You might be afraid of your loved one's reactions, of facing their hate or judgement or even just their ignorance. You might be afraid of navigating through society with your new understanding of who you are, afraid of how this will impact your safety and your job and your ability to buy a home and start a family and get married and have kids.

When you're a trauma-based aromantic, you might, like me, also be afraid of navigating your own community. Afraid you won't be welcome. Afraid you validate bigotry and misconceptions against your community. Afraid people in and out of your community will believe you to be a faker who just needs to be "fixed".

For a long time, I walked this very confusing like where I identified as aromantic to allos but as not-aromantic to aros. I knew allo was no longer a fitting title and that I would not fit in with them. But I was also afraid that I was invading in a place where I shouldn't be in aro spheres. And even after I started broaching aro spaces as an aro, I was very fearful and cautious of revealing that I was caedromantic, someone whose aromanticism was directly tied in with the trauma I survived, which also meant that I couldn't relate to or speak on a lot of aro experiences that other aros had.

And while the target of my fear was me, this was honestly incredibly unfair to the aromantic community, who has never made me feel unwelcome or invalid. The aro community never asked or questioned why I was aro, even after learning the caedro part. They never judged me or silenced me. They never interrogated me. They never pushed me away or told me to leave. Aromantics have only ever accepted and supported me. It was only ever the cis allohets that have made me feel like I am not enough.

And more than that, by talking more and more about being a trauma-based aro, I have discovered that there are a lot more of us than you might imagine. Due to the kind of society we live in, people have trauma, even serious big-T Trauma, is damn common. And trauma changes your brain. It changes how you interact with the world. It changes your relationship to yourself and to others. You can change this further with healing, but trauma can indeed change the brain. It's valid and legitimate if trauma impacts your identity, how you relate to it, and/or how you express it.

But it's scary to admit this and talk about it because the cis allohets only want to use this as a gotchya. For them, this is not the opportunity about the wrongness of our society: exposing people to traumas, gaslighting them over traumas, refusing to provide support and resources for healing over traumas, punishing people for displaying any effects of trauma - it's about using this to invalidate aromanticism.

Any aspec person has heard the anti-aspec claims that being aspec is caused by trauma/mental illness/medication and can therefore be cured, as if we are ill, as if being ill is a reason to harm people. As a trauma-based aro, it feels like you are a direct confirmation of this claim. It feels like your very existence is problematic and harmful to other aros.

BUT!!!

Some people ARE aspec or question if they're aspec or think they're aspec for a while due to things like trauma, mental illness, and/or medication, and this is valid!!! This is the same shitty anti-phase logic like something can be valid and real if it's a phase. You know what's a phase? Everything. Every. Damn. Thing. is a phase. Being a toddler, being a teenager, being alive, bell bottoms, checks being a form of payment, cursive, typewriters, hair length, etc. You know what? Trauma changes you and healing isn't going to return you to who you were before you experienced that trauma. Mental illness is treated and accommodated and coped with but can't just be cured or erased. Some medications need taken for life. It doesn't matter why someone is aromantic or even if they know why at all. Aromantics exist, aromanticism harms no one, and aromantic people deserve to be respected and treated well. The problem isn't that I'm aromantic due to trauma. The problem is that I was exposed to that trauma in the first place. The problem is that support for healing from this trauma is so hard to access. The problem is the way people treat me for having this trauma. The problem is the way people treat me for being aromantic. But being aromantic, for whatever reason, is not a problem.

It doesn't matter if trauma-based aromantics exist or not. Even if we went away or "got cured" (I like being aromantic! I want to be aromantic forever!), anti-aro bigots would still be against aromanticism and seek to harm us. I learned a long time ago that there's no way to make bigots happy. There is no compromise to "I want you to have never existed in the first place, but since you're here now, you're an abomination who should be killed". Targeting trauma and other similar things 'causing' aromanticism is only one way of how anti-aro bigotry is expressed. Even if we didn't exist, the bigots would still hate us. They would still screech that we were broken and wrong and never meant to exist. In my experience, the best way to respond to this in a way that does the least harm to your spirit and soul is to embrace your identity wholeheartedly and exude pride and celebration.

So I'm done hiding. Yes, I am aro due to trauma. Yes, I am happy with this. No, I don't expect everyone to feel the same as me or understand the joy this brings me. No, not all aros are aro due to trauma.

But yes ALL aros are valid and legitimate and deserve to be celebrated!!!

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

I’m so sorry if this is stupid, but is it possible to be aro while wishing you weren’t? I’ve never been in love, but I can imagine what it would feel like in the same way I can imagine what it would be like to visit Paris, even though I‘ve never been. I want that feeling, but I can’t ever envision it happening to me bc I’ve never felt it before. It’s an emotion that I lack the capacity to experience, like it’s just missing from my catalog of feelings. When other people describe it I don’t recognise it as something I’ve ever felt. But I know I want romantic intimacy. Like, I want a romantic connection, I want that experience, but I know it’s not there inside me. Is this aro, or is it something else? Thank you 💚

It is possible to be aromantic but wish you weren't, or still really want a romantic relationship. Sometimes people have a hard time accepting their orientation or lack of romantic feelings. Often it comes out of internalizing messages we're taught around romance, such as the idea that you need romance to be happy, that romance is the only way to have a deep meaningful connection with another person/romance is the most meaningful connection you can have with someone, that being in a romantic relationship gives us worth, etc.

None of these are true by the way, a lot of people live happy, fulfilling lives without romance, or without a long-term romantic partner, we can have deep meaningful relationship with other people outside of romance and not everyone's deepest relationship is with their romantic partner, even if they do have a close romantic partner, and our worth in inherent, it doesn't depend on what kinds of relationships we have or don't have.

One thing I like to compare this with is chocolate. Chocolate's often called the greatest food, something people can't live without, better than sex (ha!), etc. But some people just don't like it, for whatever reason it tastes bad to them. And they can force themselves to eat it, and maybe even tolerate it, but they'll never get that same experience people who absolutely adore chocolate have. But there are other foods, or just in general other things they probably do enjoy. Romance can be like that, sometimes it just doesn't bring that same experience, but there's probably other things out there that will be more fulfilling or feel more worth doing.

I like to look at aromanticism as being given a choice. Aro people have to figure out what kind of life they want to live, what kind of relationships are or aren't important to them, and what actually makes them happy.

(It's actually a choice I think everyone has, because that specific path of building a life around a romantic life partner isn't right for all alloromantic people either, but aro people are often confronted with it in a much harder to ignore way.)

Remember aro doesn't mean you can't have something you want to have, too. Just that you may not enjoy or appreciate things the way you would if you were alloromantic. Aros can still have close relationships if they want them, they can have life partners if they want them, some even still have romantic relationships and/or do romantic coded things, and that includes aros who have no romantic feelings at all. (Though I will say it can often be a lot easier to figure out this part after coming to terms with and accepting your identity.)

If you're not experiencing romantic feelings, I would definitely recommend exploring aromanticism because it is a very common aro experience, and a common reason why people ID as aro. And if you're looking for resources, I'd recommend seeking out reading up on aro experiences, Arocalypse and Carnival of Aros are great places to start if you're not sure where to look, but following aro blogs, checking out aro media is all good too. (You can find a lot of rec lists for books/podcasts with aro characters especially). And even if you don't end up IDing as aro, it will help remove that stigma and scariness of both being aro, and not having romantic feelings.

My other big advice is to go slow. Don't feel like you have to have this all figured out in a day (or that there's any deadline at all). Take time to process, and get to know and understand the aro community and identity. And trust that whatever direction you go, you will find out what matters to you, and what path is right for you.

Feel to ask if at any point you have any more questions, Anon. All the best and good luck!

[arotechno]

on being your own aromantic role model

This post of mine is suddenly blowing up for whatever reason, and I had honestly forgotten I wrote it waaay back in February 2018. I was a whole baby in my freshman year of college, and in some ways I am still a whole baby which is going to make this next post seem really disingenuous and retroactively funny in four more years, but things are a lot different now and I want people who see that post of mine to know that hey!! It isn't all bad and scary and confusing forever!!! And ironically I've been making much more deeply personal posts lately, so I thought I might as well.

Many truths from 2018 remain truths in 2022. Yes, the aro community is still relatively small and fledgling compared to other queer communities. Yes, we are still relatively invisible and don't have much documentation on our history (after all, it's not as though a generation has passed). Yes, our representation in media and in the public eye still leaves very much to be desired. And all of those things (visibility, history, representation) are still things we have to build for ourselves, and ARE building for ourselves, step by step.

But I am four years older and four years wiser and two years fist-deep in "graduating into a pandemic" early-twenties life and I also know this to be true: For all that aro adulthood is often weird and difficult, it is also deeply, deeply freeing.

Often, I am met with a chilling uncertainty in my life. Despite the aromanticism of it all, these days this just makes me ordinary, I think. I often worry about the too-quiet of empty houses, of familial disappointment, of being left behind, of running out of Life Milestones to check off a list of "ways to make people proud of me." I am permanently single, unmarried, child-free, openly aro, and living with two roommates who are on the cusp of getting married (to each other). I am hurtling towards an eventual age where those aspects of my life are no longer understandable or quirky and instead become disappointing, confusing, or alarming to people in my life and in my roommates' lives. I am curating a life for myself on shaky ground, knowing that home is a thing I have built for myself and will inevitably have to build for myself again some day, over and over. I am not unique in these problems, but I often feel profoundly unique in their cause, as the haze of uncertainty hovering over a future with no predetermined path or destination makes an attempt at striving for anything feel futile at times.

But other times, when my mind is kinder to me, I am met with a startling clarity that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, that I am unbelievably lucky to be who I am, and that my aromanticism is a priceless gift.

Four years ago, I was deeply closeted and lonely and confused and hopelessly 19. I have since graduated, gotten a job, moved more than once, etc. etc. and despite everything I am content. I still don't know what I'm reaching for in life, or how to make those good things last. I still don't know what I SHOULD be doing with my life, as there's still no real cultural framework for life as an aro adult, in any of the many, many forms it may take. But little by little, choosing gets easier. Your life, your future, is something you have to forge for yourself. You HAVE to, aro or not, and the gift of being aro is how quickly you realize that there are no rules. The clock's all zeroes, and the only step you have to worry about taking is the next one, day by day. You have to take control of your own future, and you have to talk about it, with other aros and with people in your life. I talked about this before when discussing Koisenu Futari, but you really do have to build your own castle. You don't have to make yourself small or force yourself into a new box that's just as restrictive as the old ones. You have to create the life you want to live for yourself. You get to decide what that means.

There is an inherent freedom to aromanticism, and no matter what anyone says, the only person who can decide what makes you happy is you. So find out what makes you happy and choose it, on purpose. I am not saying that it's easy or that the infinite barriers in life (aro-related or otherwise) do not exist. What I am saying is that you don't just have to wait to be someone else's future aro role model, you can be your own aro role model. Sometimes, this will be hard. There will be moments of struggle, of darkness. But there will also be light again, and life will fall into place, and you will feel so, so warm when it does.

[gay-fae]

some important things I have learned since realizing I’m queer (for both me and the whole community) :

-“gender identity ≠ gender expression” is true for ME too. I don’t have to feel insecure just because I don’t “dress” the way I identify. If I want to present a certain way it doesn’t contradict my identity.

-I’m genderfluid but never fully a man or fully a woman, and fluidity can mean more than just “switching” genders; it also means not feeling like I have to confine myself to certain norms because of my gender and I can encapsulate many energies at once

-aromanticism is not scary. there is nothing wrong or bad about it and there’s no reason to worry about “dying alone” or whatever. it’ll be okay

-labels are not rulebooks. they are just describing words that help us explain our identities to others and don’t always have to be super specific or have certain requirements. gender and sexuality are fluid and so are labels. just label how you feel comfortable as long as you don’t hurt anyone else!!

-asexuality doesn’t make me or anyone else unlovable

-same with aromanticism

-I can be aromantic and still have a great romantic relationship if I want

-at the end of the day, “not like other gays” culture will always be toxic and do more harm than good. who cares if that person likes a “cringey” show and wears a bunny hat. who cares if they like to wear unconventional clothes. who cares if they like to use a lot of microlabels. the idea that these people are “making straight people hate us” or that we need to make ourselves palatable to non lgbtq people is such bullshit. stop it with the “I’d rather just be called a slur”. Stop it with the “nvm I’m not gay anymore I don’t want to be associated with them”. it’s shallow and immature, and mostly just hurtful to the people you call your community. embrace people with love instead of judgement.

-the new generation of queer people (myself included) needs to learn how to experience queer culture and life outside of the internet. for many of us it’s the only way we can experience it now so it’s important to be mindful that we do not only exist online and that most of the arguments you see online are trivial. meet queer people irl if you can. read and learn about and listen to older queer people. learn queer history. learn where things come from and why things are the way they are. again, learn to stop obsessing over labels!! queerness is more than just internet jokes; it’s a history about a fight for liberation. thank the queer people who came before you.

-there is no, and I mean NO, “wrong” way to be queer.

[thoughtsdying]

The procces of realising you’re aroace: a tale by me version 2

Realising you’re aroace is suddenly comprehending why your few friends (with one exception) have always turned out to be in the queer community at the end. Like. That fenomenum of “queer radar only you don’t realise it’s there and you end up gravitating together anyway?” yup- It happens too. Only most of the time you think you’re an allied cis-het weirdo who cares too much about something that doesn’t have anything to do with you, and who cares if you feel weird when other people assume you’re hetero (or that you have a orientation at all), you sure aren’t attracked to your same gender either. Nor are any kind of trans.

And then you discover asexuality in your late teens and it feels weirdly near you, but you think you’re trying to make it so you’re special, so you dismiss any ace feels as you being a late bloomer, and only take care of including it in discussions about queer issues, and then you feel strangely hurt when a professor dismisses it as “some self descriptor weird lonely japanese men in their 40′s created who only care for 2D” which. You don’t have to tell me all the problems in that sentence. Believe me, I know. And you can’t come with arguments except well if people feel like using it, then we should respect it, bc you don’t have the words to explain asexuality except that internet in english told you it was a thing and you still don’t know except in a nebulous way what even is aromanticism, so you didn’t bring that up in the discussion at all.

And a pair of years after that you start using demisexual bc it feels less scary and very reasonable except you’ve never felt attracted to anyone, how do you even tell it? And relationships scare you, and you still don’t have any idea of what is aromanticism except it scares you and you don’t want to contemplate a life being aro. You love romances after all

(except when you have to look the other way in any kind of profound kiss, bc it’s private people, which makes you feel wiedly homophobic when you’re watching a lgbtq+ media or your best friend with her girlfriend even if it’s the same with hetero, except then it’s just that sex is weird in film and kisses with tongue are still private people!)

and obviously you still don’t want to have sex with a girl (Except perhaps those emotional dreams of touching with a friend that aren’t sex but almlost and are very comfortable anyways it could be nice you’re sure but nice isn’t desire is it?) so even although guys make you nervous and any thought of doing anything romantic-sexual with one is a “yikes” you suppose you find some really pretty in a different way you do with woman and that must be ~attraction~.

And a friend tells you that a guy tried to sound her to see if he could date you and she told him you were ace and uninterested in any kind of relationship, and you go “why?” confused and a bit elated bc holy shit what a relief you won’t have to confront him, but also a bit of panic (that’s how i come across? it isn’t my imagination, im so obvious oh no) and she tells you, “well you are almost one and you don’t have any intention of dating anybody right now so i thought it best to cut any feels on his part right now”. And it gives you things to think about.

And another two years pass except this time you’ve started to educate yourself on aromanticism bc too many relatable posts on tumblr looking into the ace tag made you “holy shit yeah this makes more sense than just asexuality” but also you keep loving romance stories except now you’ve started to recognize you’re starved of friendship in all the ambits of your live and you’re also a young adult who still doesn’t want a relationship, what do i do? And maybe you’re not demi, you’re ace and you can think sex sounds a nice activity to do with intimate friends (aro aro aro) but not something you’re into, and you’re still ace, you’re not attracted to anybody not really. What a relief. (you still can’t try on the aro umbrella)

And you question yourself bc a fantastic guy has become your friend, and your minds vibe inmensely well, and you talk during quearentine, but he gives you some weird vibes sometimes, and makes you gifts which you ignore bc holy shit a best friend! And he has money and he’s lonely! I would also give gifts to my besties if I had money! And then he confesses to you on wassap, and you realise he has put you on a pedestal and has cofessed but already said himself he doesn’t want a relationship with you bc he would corrupt you or something and anyway, he’s not really in love with you he’s using you as a mental crutch to try to not be depressed, he knows that noe but he hates psycologists. Also, can i have some time apart from you?

So you tell him you feel flattered but that you see him as only a friend, and please can you not put yourself so below me? Search professional help. I’ll stay away as long as you need.

And you start feeling uneasy, but you think it’s only that he’s a weirdo and really you’ve dodged a bullet of course you wouldn’t want to go out with him, he’s not really the kind of pretty you like. Except if you’re ace what does it matter? Isn’t it that you feel pretty repulsed by trying a romantic relationship? Or are you just justifying your own aloofness and personality problems that make impossibly difficult to try a romance anyway. People don’t control who they feel romantic feels for anyway.

Except in the following months when you’ve finally reaturned to be friends you’re so relieved to not have that shadow above you and really wouldn’t it be amazing if everybody knew you didn’t want anything to do with them romantically? To be free to be friends and hug them, and walk arm in arm or go to lunch and cinema and still be just friends? To plan your future in a line along with those friends but not be really a committement as much as you just want to enjoy talking face to face with them for a bit longer.

So you go back to read about aromanticism and maybe you cry a little but mostly you’re pretty happy and scared about it. And you tell that friend, bc he’s your bestie right now and you feel him being bi and also being interested in you in the past would make him more likely to react well. It’s not personal it’s just the way I am. And then you start crying in the middle of a starbucks for 15 min. and you didn’t now you feel so much so intensely about being aroace, and how it had impacted you without knowing and how much you hate those expectations. And he hugs you and tells you “nobody has the right to tell you how to live. if you feel like you’re never gonna be in a relationship that’s your business and you’ll be happy anyway” and you cry harder. And then you both have a sincere conversation about sex as he has experimented it and how you feel it pretty strange and weird, but maybe you’d like to try it sometime. Just not a time near now. And if it’s never that’s pretty okey with you too.

So you go home feeling a bit embarrased but also pretty elated except a week later there’s another wassap message from him, saying he feels he still loves you, and that he understands intelectually your nearness with him is friendly but still feels romantic and it confuses me and it pains me and i would prefer to not be your friend anymore, sorry, men are shit and me the worst of them.

“Ok” I write back. I’m furious and hurt and I don’t want to see his liar face anymore. So fuck you, I think. “Thanks for telling me” And I block his number and I don’t talk to him when we met with out mutual friends, and when it’s necessary I talk as if he were a stranger. Kindly but impersonal. Isn’t that what you wanted? To lost a friend? So you’ve lost me forever.

And it became clear to me that I don’t think I’ll ever understand the stupidity of not wanting to see someone just because their lives don’t revolve around you the way you like, even though you’re friends and you can talk to them about anything at all anyway, and be there for help with the shitty parts of life. There are things I’ll never felt or do for another. 

And I’m ok with that.

[exclusionistgodzilla]

Bruh one thing I need inclusionists to understand is that some examples of hate towards LGBT people just don't apply to other groups. I know that's a rather broad statement, but hear me out. Let's take the example a lot of inclus use, "yeah, but if you said this to a trans person, it'd be transphobic!". Yes. Saying Trans people don't belong in the LGBT community is indeed transphobic, because they are one of the target groups (being SGA and/or Trans people) the LGBT community was made for. Aside from this, Trans people have been huge contributors in the LGBT community's past, and oftentimes, such statements come with loaded transmisogyny (or they'll straight up say exclus use terf rhetoric, which is brainless in itself, since A. Many exclus are Transfem, B. Its demeaning to the violence and transphobia TERFs perpetuate, and C. Relies on the entirely-different-sentence-but-sounds-vaguely-similar argument.) However, the same statement cannot be made for asexuality/aromanticism. The history of Aspec people in the LGBT community is little to nonexistent, and aside from this, the only truly linked experience a cishet ace person would have to an allosexual LGBT person would be having the term "sexual" in their label (one of the reasons outside sources often group the two, as well.) Aside from this, a cishet aspec person is part of both groups that oppress the two possible aspects of being LGBT, and therefore, can make experiences hard to share, and even perpetuate LGBT-Phobic ideals ('Dont show affection in public', 'Lesbians are scary', 'Lack of sexuality is what makes me pure', and sometimes, beyond that, as seen here or here, and in many individual cases). Let's take another one. "Saying Aspec people shouldn't have prioritization in the LGBT community is the same as saying other groups aren't important, either!" The premise here is very similar, but still something I've heard quite a lot. The difference here is, once again, a cishet aspec person is not who the LGBT community is catered to. To expect so (in many forms, such as forbidding affection in GSAs/requesting it's absence from pride, expecting to be a major voice/resource user in LGBT spaces), is entitled at best, and damaging at worst. Yes, to say Lesbians shouldn't have a forefront voice in the LGBT community WOULD be Lesbophobic. But the difference is clear, IF you know your history. If you were to say this about asexuals in an Aspec community, the same would be true, and it would absolutely be aphobic. There are other examples of this, but most of them include the same rhetoric "But to bisexuals-" "But to nonbinaries-" and the similar, yet different, and extremely baffling "but to x race-". Not sure how or why, but people seem to find new ways to compare LGBT people to their opressors every day. While the statements are similar, the logic just does not hold up if you think about it for more than a minute. Because yes, changing the subject of a sentence will always change the meaning.

[mcrmadness]

I just realized that my “they are no longer your friend(s), do you understand???” thoughts are actually intrusive thoughts.

INTRUSIVE THOUGHT TRIGGER WARNING ->

They work the exact same way as my newest set of intrusive thoughts that I just lately figured are intrusive thoughts. Every time I put something in the bio waste container and I’m extremely repulsed by any kind of bio waste and my brain goes like “what if we ate that?”

Or the fact I’m a teetotaler and I don’t drink any alcohol and have never done that and have never ever even wanted to, but then there’s a bottle on my parents’ table and suddenly my brain goes like “what if we drank that?” when I don’t even want to do that.

It has something to do with the fact I have been afraid of snapping (got my first intrusive thoughts at the age of 16 or 17) and doing something terrible... oh yeah, now I just remembered one very recent intrusive thought that included a desire of physically hurting myself. It gave me so much anxiety because I don’t want to do anything to myself, and then it was again triggered by an image I saw in a video game. So yeah, it’s connected to this awe that we, in fact, are cabable of just anything if we want. But there’s something stopping us from doing those things. And it’s so scary to think about that.

This is why I play video games because I can jump from the rooftops, I can look in other people’s houses, I can speed with a car and not follow any laws, I can do so many illegal things and things that would hurt me or other people if I did those in real life and it feels good in video games because it’s not real. So what prevents us from doing those in real life too? I have no idea but the core of my intrusive thoughts is “I have chosen not to drink alcohol but I also could choose to start drinking but I don’t know why would I want to do something like that in the first place”. It’s so weird because I know very well I don’t want to do that but there’s literally nothing but me and myself stopping me from doing that. And somehow I’m able to follow that decision.

I have also started to have my old so-called “sexual intrusive thoughts” back. Or in my case I’d call them as “romantic intrusive thoughts” as they mainly just are a scenario of me “snapping and randomly kissing someone inappropriate”. I am extremely repulsed by them and they make me really uncomfortable and I don’t want to think about them but they still somehow pop-up to my mind when I least expect them to. I had a long pause from these, they were quite strong back then when I had just found about the terms asexual and aromantic and was still looking for myself. I think I also had them quite a lot when I quit antidepressants in 2013 as the quitting symptoms really fucked up with my brain.

I think I can also put it under intrusive thoughts that since my teens I have always had delusions of people having a crush on me (always people I have interacted with, and it’s even worse if I have befriended them). So much so that I have sometimes been so convinced of someone’s crush it has made me extremely uncomfortable because being around them made me have nothing but these intrusive pop-up scenarios in my head about them suddenly blurting everything out. It literally feels like a reverse crush. Because I’m aroace, I haven’t had a real crush since I was 16 or maybe never, I don’t know if those were crushes of just hyperfixations because no one ever told me that something like asexuality or aromanticism exist until I stumbled upon the term online when I was 17. But even today I sometimes find it difficult to just... exist because if my brain slips into that mode where it thinks that someone has a crush on me, it literally starts obsessing with it and I feel like I’d put on some grey, stained glasses and I stop seeing clearly because I just have this intrusive-thought colored curtain in front of me. It’s really annoying and I feel like it affect my friendships with these people because in the worst case scenario I start to avoid the company of these people because the more I spend time (talking) with them, the stronger the intrusive through grows. And it literally makes me delusional. I don’t see what is real anymore. I have had this a couple of times when I was a teenager and never again. It feels terrible, like a slap on the face when someone says they need to ask something and my brain has prepared itself for a “love declaration” and then the person asks for something normal like “can I borrow a pen?” and I realize that my brain was in that delusional mode once again.

I think this might be yet another reason for why I try not to get attached to other people and why I try to keep distance, why I avoid saying too positive things and why I shy away when others do that to me. I’m just afraid of getting friendships to that level where my brain’s delusion mode is activated. But it also works to the other direction and is probably a more common phenomenon than a delusion of someone having a crush on you. It’s the old good “they hate me”. It’s a bit different feeling from the regular “everyone hates me” - this is a way more personal. I have had friends who I have lost because I was convinved they hate me and didn’t want me around anymore. I am actually still in confusion whenever I think about these cases because I still to this day don’t know what happened. I still did not know who to trust there and I still don’t know who I should have trusted. I could not trust my own yes nor my mind, nor the people involved. I could not trust anybody. It sometimes bothers me because everyone told me that no one is leaving you out but whenever I was around them, that was exactly what I was feeling like. And I’d want to know so badly what was the case, did they lie or was I just so delusional I turned them against me in my head and believed what my “intuition” said? That’s a question I’ll never find an answer to because it happened 10 years ago and I haven’t talked to those people ever since.

[sighxxscream]

Ok, so this has been on my mind recently.

I hear it’s a common thing for people to respond to aros with “You’re just afraid of commitment” (I’ve never been told this, but that’s just me). And my thought in response to this is,

...ok? and?

Because I’m aro, AND I’m afraid of commitment, and I embrace both of these things. I don’t think it’s an inherently bad thing to be afraid of commitment. Commitment is scary. Especially when it comes to personal relationships where someone could be hurt if the commitment doesn’t work out.

It seems to me way more reasonable to be afraid of commitment than to not be. So what’s so bad about it? Why is there a stigma of being afraid of commitment?

I mean, if the fear is keeping you from doing something you genuinely want, then that’s something you can choose to work on, just like any fear. But if being afraid of commitment doesn’t bother you or have a huge negative impact on your life, then I don’t see why it should bother anyone else.

And what is saying “You’re just afraid of commitment” to someone supposed to do? Is that supposed to be a shaming tactic that peer pressures the person into changing their behavior? Because that’s disgusting.

Or is it a genuine, naive attempt to get someone to self-reflect and come to the same conclusions about their own life that the outsider has? Because that’s super annoying and condescending.

I’m aro. I don’t want romantic relationships in my life. I don’t like the trappings of romance. I like being by myself.

I’m also afraid of commitment, because I recognize that I’m a selfish, lazy person who doesn’t have the energy to devote the kind of attention a committed partner deserves.

Obviously it’s wrong to conflate these two things into one, since aros can want committed relationships, and people afraid of commitment can be alloromantic. And neither thing deserves a stigma. Being afraid of commitment is reasonable. Commitment is a big decision.

And being aro is perfectly fine. There don’t need to be any conditions put on aromanticism to make it acceptable. Aros who want commitment are no more or less valid than aros who don’t want commitment.

I have no shame about being aromantic or being afraid of commitment because I don’t see anything shameful in either one. And I think people who do see something inherently shameful in either one carry a heavy burden of proof.

And I have yet to see any convincing, acceptable reason for why they are.