#aro venting

[alien-ally]

aro vent ahead:

reblog with aro rage only. vent to your heartless heart's content /sar - aro filled with fury

[basedtater]

something that really gets my goat where i feel like I don't belong in the aro community no matter how hard I try is like how much I still crave commitment and companionship.

i cannot relate to many of my friends who do not want any kind of serious commitment or to be alone all of the time, it drives me batty. i may not be made for romantic relationships but i was definitely built for companionship in more intimate ways than just textbook standard friendship

im tired of attempting to be in romantic relationships because they don't work either but im not sure how to find people who are like me and just looking for a friend to build an actual platonic commitment to in life. this is especially difficult for someone who like me who is very possibly autistic but regardless has a difficult time with developing lasting friendships to begin with

maybe im still just too attached to amanormativity or something idk

[miitopia-cake]

me looking for ace/aro characters: lets go gambling!

[character's sex repulsion is used for jokes] aw dang it

[character is put in sexual situations despite disliking it] aw dang it

[character's identity is ignored by fandom] aw dang it

[characters creators sexualize them] aw dang it

[aro character gets 'fixed' by true love] aw dang it

[aro/ace character is literally an animal] aw dang it

[creator messes up definition of asexuality] aw dang it

[characters asexuality is never brought up in media] aw dang it

[leikeliscomet]

I genuinely think the reason people leave out Black asexuals and aromantics is because we contradict too much. To fully acknowledge Black asexuality and aromanticism means questioning the idea sexual & romantic absence = whiteness. Why do you think asexual and aromantic = sexless and why sexless = white. It means unpacking what is so non-asexual about Blackness. What is so non-aromantic about Blackness. It means unpacking why Black lovelessness is uniquely heartless. It means unpacking why you're comfortable with the exclusion of Black love, but are scared by Black lovelessness. It means unpacking why you think Black asexuality can't exist outside of Black desexualisation. It means unpacking why you think Black aromanticism can't exist outside sexualisation. And vice versa. It means unpacking why don't think Black people have the actual autonomy to be ace and/or aro. It means unpacking why people more marginalised than you can make space for asexuality and aromanticism when you can't, despite it being an 'oppressor' identity. It means unpacking why the only mainstream representations of Black asexuality and aromanticism that could exist are the Mammy and the Jezebel and Mandingo. It means unpacking that sexless and loveless Black people don't benefit from these tropes. It means unpacking why sexlessness and lovelessness is seen as purity and why Black ace and/or aro people don't to be 'pure'. It means not only asking why asexuality and aromanticism is associated with being white, but actively asking why asexuality and aromanticism 'can't' be associated with being Black. It means unpacking why you can't name any Black ace and/or aro characters or public figures. It means addressing what happens when asexuality and aromanticism stop existing in vacuums and start overlapping with the identities you actually 'get'. These are the scary questions you get to ignore when you can just claim being ace and/or aro is 'white and cishet' identity instead.

[klavierpanda]

You say you love weird queer people but you aren't even normal about aros

[thecommunalfoolboy]

It’s crazy how many people just don’t understand why a lot of aro and or ace people don’t like that Alaster gets shipped. It’s not that hard to understand we don’t have a lot to let ourselves lose. I mean can you name 10 asexual characters? 5? Can you name two aro characters. There’s the guy from Archie who they made have a sex scene in a movie version. There’s a few books. I think a background character in Heartstopper? Do you see the theme here??? You’re all queer people, do you not get it? How it feels to have nothing? Is it so wrong to be upset that there’s finally an outwardly aroace person in popular media and instead of people embracing that they’re fighting on the internet about why it’s ok to ignore it? And I will never in my fucking life have anything against the people who are aro and or ace and portray him in THEIR experiences, even if it is a romance or sex favorable experience, but it is obvious that way too many of you guys are allo and it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t even like him as a character that much, he isn’t even made by an aroace artist. The show isn’t even that fucking good, I just want to keep someone like me for once in my life. If there were a million other aroace characters I wouldn’t care, but it just hurts seeing erasure coming from my own community. It just sucks, man, I don’t know. It just sucks

[goondah]

Being aromantic isn't like being colourblind because you "have a narrower human experience 😢" or "you see the world in black and white 💔" or whatever but being aromantic is exactly like being colourblind because most people don't even know what it is and most people who think they do have the complete wrong idea. Because our society is not designed for people like us but no "allies" take our issues seriously. Because I'm still not even sure if people want us in their communities. Because whenever you tell someone you know you're going to be asked the same stupid questions. Because people in fandom love to use you as a cool quirk to add to characters without respecting what it actually means. Because my life would be marginally better if everyone spent just 5 minutes reading about it on google. But hey it's not all negative you also get a unique outlook on life and an appreciation for beauty outside the norm.

Signed, a colourblind aro

[aptericia]

Not proud to be here.

--

Ok, here goes draft like 5 of this fucking post. I spent 4 hours tossing and turning in bed last night thinking about this, and then this morning I found a tumblr post that really helped me understand what I was trying to say.

The post talks about how aromantic "advocates" claim that "aros don't take up resources, so there's no reason not to include them!" And if that's actually what people believe, I think I can finally articulate why it is that I feel so alienated in queer spaces.

It's because aspecs in general aren't "welcomed" by much of the queer community. We're tolerated. We perhaps get the luxury of not being contradicted on our own identities, or not being specifically kicked out of LGBTQ-only spaces, but that's the whole point: what we get out of the queer "community" is people NOT doing things, not actually doing things FOR us. And that, frankly, is not enough. We deserve conversations about us. We deserve to have others consider our feelings, even when making lighthearted jokes. We deserve varied, respectful representation in media. We deserve the active deconstruction of amatonormativity in society. We deserve to have space made for us, rather than at most being told we should "go take up more space!" ourselves.

Of course, the reality is that my being aspec is a personal matter that does not inherently affect anyone else. But the same can be said for literally any queer identity. Your being gay doesn't say anything about me, so of course I shouldn't hurt you for it, but why should I help you either? Because your happiness and comfort are important. The same goes for aspecs.

And most of the time, I don't even need anyone to make space for or expend resources on me; I can live fine in everyday, non-queer-specific places without mentioning my identity at all. But it's the queer community that claims it will make that space for me, doesn't, and then acts defensive and morally pure if I call out the hypocrisy because "we're queer too, you can't erase our identities to advocate for yours!!!!"

Again, this post isn't about specifics. I have queer friends who are incredibly thoughtful and supportive about my identity, just as I have non-queer friends who are. I find more solidarity in aspec-only communities, as well as trans/genderqueer ones, although there are still many exceptions. This post is also not about amatonormative ideology, which is extremely common from queer and non-queer people alike. This post is about the reason I've felt so betrayed by the queer community.

--

On a personal note, I remember being so excited when I started identifying as aromantic (and later asexual). Fitting myself into labels has been a lifelong struggle for me; to this day I still can't confidently say if I'm White or PoC, neurotypical or neurodivergent, abled or disabled, cisgender or not cisgender. I continue to struggle making friends because I don't fall into social cliques. To discover that I officially, certainly, was LGBTQ+ lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. And now I'm just so sad to find that despite that, I'm still stuck in the middle. I didn't get rewarded with a community. I still feel alienated from both queer and non-queer people. I know it was silly to get my hopes up when there's such vast diversity in both groups, but it really was a disappointment. Going to my first Pride parade last year was really the moment where I realized this.

[acewhowantsspace]

Why are romantic relationships valued way more than platonic relationships? You telling me I have to pretend I'm not hurt because the bond I've spent my whole life building with my sibling is being placed lower than hers with her partner?

You telling me I have to be okay with that?

[tesco-finest-aromantics]

please i'm begging you think about aplatonic people when you make a post about aro issues. not all of us care about friends. we can prioritise other relationships even if we've deconstructed amatonormativity because friendship is just not important to some people. being aro doesn't make me inherently care more about friendship

[mossy-aro]

ultimately i think my insistence on aro positivity honestly is as much a political stance as a personal one.

when i say aro positivity is crucial and that i dislike doomer-ist posts that express sentiments like 'I hate being aro so much I wish I was dead instead’ it's not because I don’t think there can and should be a space for negativity and acknowledging self-hate, or the many ways being aromantic can really suck sometimes. i find that to be very important!

that being said. there is smth here about how self-hate posts are sometimes just arophobia that we inflict on ourselves. and when we put that out into the ether it (intentionally or not) can become arophobia that we inflict on other members of the community. i think there absolutely needs to be a place for negativity and the expression of anger and frustration and self loathing even - these are all good things to talk about because these are things that we experience. that being said, it can also be genuinely upsetting and triggering to people to have what is essentially arophobia shown to them and then have that be validated by other aspec people. your personal thoughts can affect your wider community on a level you may not anticipate. and i understand it i truly do! it took me so long to be able to recover from accepting being aroace - it threw my entire world off kilter and made me question everything about my place in the world.

but my insistence on aro joy and positivity is because ultimately i do believe that building is at the core essence of it all. that ultimately discussions and the purpose of community should be about construction, not destruction. and this is both a personal and a political stance. talking about how much you hate yourself and cultivating online discussions/spaces where negativity about aspec identity is the main and only theme is destructive - if that’s where we let the conversation end. these thoughts can and should be used as a vehicle to look for a path forward!

joy and positivity create a space where the focus can become on forging a path forward, on construction, on community building instead of tearing ourselves and others down with negative thoughts. it’s not productive or healthy when it stops at a place of negativity - it becomes actively destructive to the essence of community.

and i do think that this is especially poignant considering the fact that being any kind of queer, but especially aromantic (and/or asexual) means forging a path for yourself and making your own happiness where there is no obvious way forward. our communities exist mostly online (right now, anyway), there is little recognition of our existence in the real world, the effects of amatonormativity are both pervasive and actively dehumanising, and there are legal, economic and social structures in place actively making our lives more difficult. yes that all sucks! it’s good to acknowledge that. we need to in order to change it. but more importantly, that’s not the end. we are still here and our happiness, our future is for us to determine. even if we can’t change the laws or society, loving yourself and understanding aromanticism as a political identity (as well as personal), as a radical worldview, and as a protest against amatonormativity is essential for both community and personal well being. the personal is political.

tldr. i guess my point is that as a community, we should focus on building, improving, and nurturing ourselves and each other (construction) as opposed to destruction. we should recognise aromanticism and asexuality as political identities as well as personal ones and rely on community and self-love in the absence of anything else as a form of protest and political power. destruction (the recognition of everything that is wrong) is essential as a starting point - but where do we go from there? we rebuild.

[miloway]

Not my video, from kallimaraki on tiktok

[bloomshroomz]

So, we're ten days into pride month. Things are a bit confusing for me right now. I’m trying to figure out what I want, or what I need.

I know that I’m aromantic, but…

I want companionship. I want commitment.

I want to kiss someone. I want to make out with someone.

I want to cuddle and watch a movie with someone.

I want to spoil someone. I want to be spoiled.

I want to love someone. I want to be loved.

I want emotional intimacy. I want physical intimacy.

I want these things with multiple people.

I don’t see any of that as inherently romantic… Maybe it would be easier if I did? Something about that feels wrong, somehow. Why do I have to slap a romantic label on it by default, when I know that none of these things need to be confined to romance?

People aren’t usually committed to you unless you’re their partner. I’d like to have a few partners. Do I want that to be romantic, though? I mean, I know that I don’t want it to be romantic, because I don't want anything to be romantic. But, am I opposed to it?

I don’t know. I can’t tell.

Most people would call these feelings romantic. Why does it feel so much more complicated to me? Why do I have this weird disconnect?

Sometimes I feel like it would be easier if I just tossed out the aromantic part of who I am. Just being bisexual would make things so simple. But I don't think I can just flip a switch like that. Can I?

Do other people feel this way?

Is it just me?

Edit - 6/20/2024

A lot of people have been giving me the same advice over and over, and while I appreciate the sentiment, I've probably heard it before. Like, a lot of "you should look into QPRs/cupioromanticism/bellusromanticism/etc." when I've already known about those things for years.

Please read this post before giving advice or input, especially if it involves labels or attraction/relationship types. I know a lot about labels and attraction/relationship types; my struggle isn't coming from a lack of vocabulary. Thank you.

[dollopheadsandclotpoles]

Sometimes it makes me so sad when I’m on the aspec Reddit pages. So many people say they hate being ace because they ‘want to be loved’ and it breaks my fucking heart because it implies the only ‘real’ way to be loved is in a romantic and/or sexual way. Does it not count when it comes from your parents? Your friends? Your siblings and your cousins? Your neighbours? Your teachers? Your pets? Does my love for someone not count because it’s not romantic?!? I get wanting a romantic and/or sexual relationship but stop conflating it with being loved in general I’m begging

[aro-culture-is]

I told my mom that I didn't want to vote Republican because they hate gay people like me. At first she was confused because she didn't understand that Aro falls under the Gay umbrella, and then told me that no one cares that I'm Aries

... there is so much going on there. I think the best I can really offer here is: I'm so sorry this happened to you, but also, "no one caress that I'm Aries" is now being passed around by my headmates and we are giggling. I do not know if that was autocorrect or what she said, but it's one of those things where I was gearing up to be serious and now i'm just saying variations of "No one cares that you're aries, paul. no one cares that you're aries, jimothy."

(for real, they do care, or they wouldn't run the whole "crazy cat lady with no kids" angle, but y'know, sometimes you gotta consider if it's worth arguing with people who either can't or won't understand you, and this is one of those in almost every case.

-- mod rust

[aro-absol]

Why the hell is the aromantic tag cluttered with so many romantic Valentine's Day gifts???

Now we are getting erased even in our own tag?!

What the fuck.