#anyways. i must go back to sleep now
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just had a dream where dennis reynolds did a documentary hanging out with bts and they all wore suits the entire time and played with raccoons and danced as one boyband and at one point dennis was doing the jerma teacher noise to pspsps one of the raccoons. in the context of my dream, dennis and jerma were the same person
#dennis reynolds#iasip#jerma#jerma985#??#i just woke up and had to write this all down before i forgot it#they all seemed to be having fun including the raccoons#idk what caused me to dream about this i dont even follow bts#anyways. i must go back to sleep now
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hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man…#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
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should i sleep for a hundred million years or purposefully stop sleeping just to see what happens
#i have slept 2 hours and haven’t been able to fall asleep again for like 3 hours and i was really tired and mad abt it but now i am not#tired and not mad abt it so maybe the path i should be taking is to stop sleeping. sleeping a lot gives me little energy and i’ve been#having trouble sleeping anyway so maybe i should use this to my advantage and run my little sleep deprivation experiment that i was#originally planning to do a couple years back but then got sooo eepy sleepy that i didn’t really get far. but maybe that’s bc i wanted to#go 72 hours straight w/o sleep so i could record my response to it. i should be more subtle i think. maybe only a few hours a night#and more 30 hour waking periods. do not listen to a single thing i say ever i’m an unreliable narrator btw. i think i could trigger smth#fun to happen i:m a good age for sleep deprivation to do something fun and interesting to me and i want to play god#but i’d get kinda sad being awake all the time bc sleeping is like my number one coping mechanism. then again the pain of losing#that on top of the physical and mental consequences of sleep deprivation would be like so cool. it would pain me so much#but i find that compelling. do not listen to a single word i say i will realize this is dumb later but rn i do kinda want to think abt#running my little experiments and trying to ruin myself further. i’m such a good thing to think abt experimenting on bc i’m so affected#by things i just wish i had more force of will Does anyone want to kidnap me and keep me awake for 72 hours (i’m thinking electrocution#will be involved) and keep notes i fear i’d give up and i wouldn’t keep good enough track of things which would be so sad#obvi it would be unethical but i’m cool w that. i would also want it all on camera for review purposes. hmm i’m digging this idea. 72 hours#is not very long and i doubt there would be lasting consequences so it seems like a good idea. however i’d want to do this when i have#things to keep me busy and restricted access to places to sleep. okay i must think on this further pay no mind to what i say unless u have#suggestions like how to keep yourself from giving in bc i always have difficulty w that one
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If decarabian was a gamer he would have the most decked out setup imaginable. 2000+ dollar custom keyboard where nearly everything but the internal components are made of solid gold. Top-of-the-line pc entirely encased in various ornately decorated gemstones. He would have at least five monitors (bonus points if they also double as surveillance monitors.) His gaming chair would in fact be a literal throne. At times he thinks that video game logic must surely apply to real life mortal human logic as well and vastly overestimates how durable most humans are.
Someone save her
#carmendeiact2whenplz#gamer decarabian theory#he's got wheatly po rtal 2 energy except he's not an idiot he's just overconfident in himself and his method of ruling and refuses criticim#ya know i figured i'd end up with a human decarabian design eventually but. I did not. expect it to be for Out of Touch Gamer Decarabian#anyway he's like okay humans need food and washrooms and sleep now if I set up five connecting houses into a common room#and according to the sims the human need decay at this rate and replenish at this rate#with ten people three beds will be enough they can take turns sleeping for eight hours exactly at these scheduled times#meanwhile the humans are going 'wtf why do I sleep at 12-8 my partner at 8-4 and my kid at 4-12 screw this'#decarabian watching it happen going 'No Thou Must this setup maximizes human abilities while minimizing human needs'#'cool consider my need to have a bit of fun and whimsy in my life care to schedule that into my life and my room'#'..........you don't need music fun songs are banned everything's working as planned there's no need for rebellion'#'of course my God there's no birds or freedom or even life outside your wind barrier we could want nothing more than our safe little cage'#'Exactly you get it see the people love me good job me now back to my sims'#genshin talk
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he puts on normal people makeup now
#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#ryu ga gotoku 7#yakuza series#yakuza 7#yakuza like a dragon#ryo aoki#masato arakawa#jo sawashiro#snap sketches#ill sleep now i promise <-- is going to wake up half an hour from now#i just needed to get this done cause i have to work on reward stuff later and i dont want to but i must#so one more dose of brainrot then its business time#it friday anyway so i can just chill after#ok goodnight ill be back in like. three hours
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I'm halfway through Dante's Inferno, and so far I'm finding it to be a fun read--definitely above Faust, in terms of how much I'm enjoying it.
#found several lines that made me go ''Oh.''#also when I finish reading I'm going to bring back two old platonic faves ... I have tags in the works for them already#anyway Inferno is a pretty good read so far!#shorter than I expected ... and I'm understanding it pretty well despite it being written in a poetic style#really looking forward to getting Dante a tag ... it's long overdue#but for now I must sleep ... I have a busy day ahead of me#a real page turner: Inferno#scattered pages
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if 15 year old me could survive going back to school in person after quarantine SURELY i can handle it now right. surely.
#ive learned that when theres a year long gap between things it makes me anxious to go back#junior year of hs. going on vacation with my parents earlier this year. now starting college#IM GONNA DO IT SCARED!!!!!!! IT WILL BECOME NORMAL FOR ME AGAIN!!!!#ILL BE ABLE TO SLEEP NORMALLY AGAIN AND GOING TO SCHOOL WONT BE A WHOLE ORDEAL!!!!#i already made progress this week anyways. even though ive followed my mom TO the school (just cause im more anxious before school)#ive driven back home on my own twice already. which i never couldve imagined doing months ago#i dont really get anxious driving on my own now. its mostly just school freaking me out#but i think thats bc its still so new#i got used to driving by myself by practicing so school should be the same#must resist the urge to run away whenever somethings scary. i gotta face it and not give in
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i think maybe I am a little bit mean about my Spanish sometimes. always focusing on what I don’t know or can’t say when I literally take a foreign language. instructed in Spanish. for four hours every week. and I’m doing well? yeah i miss some words and have to look things up, but considering all of my Spanish experience has been in classes—online classes at that? the fact I follow and can talk back and translate between 2 languages that aren’t my native one? sometimes I imagine a timeline where my grandparents didn’t divorce, my dad kept his Spanish and contact with our family in mexico, and so I got to speak Spanish from birth. but all things considered I think I am doing alright
#quil’s unholy underworld#brought to you by…thoughts quil had laying in bed in the dark#language and cultural identity is a sore spot for me#lot of complicated things wrapped up in there#and im not very kind to myself about it#i must admit#i know consciously how I should treat myself#but subconsciously the guilt and shame are quite strong#and it’s hard to fight sometimes#Anyways#gonna go back to sleep now
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me, 12 AM: okay gotta sleep for school now
brain: yeah okay.
brain, 3 AM: hey good morning. that was enough sleep right?
#no it wasnt. im gonna be tired at school but i cant go back to sleep because im too awake now#wahughhhhh!! i guess im nervous? but only like. a little bit. ive been doing college for years so this is a bit old hat now#its mostly that i can never sleep well on the night before school. alas!!#i know the thing about ''if you lay there and close your eyes it counts as a little bit of rest'' and im trying i swear#but then my bodys just like ''i am SO BORED YOU MUST MOVE NOW#didnt mean to hit enter there but yeah ok. anyway gang. im all packed up for college basically.#gonna wear my pretty bluebird polo shirt and my comfy pants and maybe tie my hair up for the full experience. depends on how masc i feel#its gonna be in the 90° out today and thats so unpleasant. why. would they do that.#gotta wear sunscreen and maybe steal a cap who knows.#ugh can't sleep. maybe i'll find something to eat. :/#love you!! see you later!!#periodical life updates
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#i do not want to work tomorrow i want to lay in bed and be sad#i’m really realizing how miserable of a person i am i am always fucking Sad and when i do feel happy i cry when it’s over#and i can’t even resemble a human being without medication and i know that’s fine but i’m still always sad. it doesn’t go away#i feel like nobody deserves to have me weighing them down like i’ve cried in front of people three times this week and i know it’s fine#but i feel so fucking guilty about it and i feel guilty about everything i feel like i’m doing nothing right and i’m not dealing with thing#right and i’m not living right and i feel like it must be so fucking difficult to love me and i don’t know how people do it#i don’t even feel capable of asking for. any sort of love ever#i feel like i don’t deserve like anything. i feel like nobody actually wants to do things for me lol#every single dsy i’m like wow i want to be held and every single dsy i feel bad even asking for a hug from someone#when i need reassurance i’m afraid to ask because what if i’m just being annoying and overbearing and too much Bad#i never feel like too much good. only bad.#i know a lot of these shitty thoughts are just because i’ve been unmedicated (meds will be ready tomorrow lol) but it just like#it sucks to know medication just kinda hides these thoughts better and that deep down i feel like this because i don’t want to#i feel like everyone in my life doesn’t deserve someone who doubts everything all the time#i think my mother deserved a stronger daughter and i think my friends deserve someone that’s not always breaking and i just don’t feel Good#i don’t know why anyone keeps me around#sometimes i feel selfish for sticking around and that sounds so awful and i’m not gonna act on it but i just feel like a waste of a person#the last week has been so good and now i’m just a fucking mess and i feel so fucking guilty about that :)#i feel like no matter what i always just default to miserable#i don’t feel like i’m doing enough at all#i’m struggling in school i don’t work enough i can barely take care of myself#like i wouldn’t even properly take care of myself if taylor wasn’t helping me i feel so guilty about that all the time#i feel so guilty for even thinking any of this right now and i’m trying to remind myself that i’m unmedicated and i’ve had a long day#and my best fucking friend just went back home and i’m allowed to be sad about that but i just. feel like i’m making excuses i guess#it’s not immoral to be sad but maybe when i’m wanting to die all the time i’m the problem. idk#anyway i’m gonna go to sleep and i’m gonna try to convince myself tomorrow will be better#sndnsksjkakejdkalwosjhdkwosjdjsk. i will be fine
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does anybody know how to manage arachnophobia? i'm physically shaking, covered in snot and tears, tired, but unable to go to sleep because i don't know where the spider in my room went
#mine#i ran for the vacuum cleaner but the spider was gone when i came back#and oh my fucjing god i cannot possibly go to sleep#i fucking screamed then i WHIMPERED out of fear just trying to step into my fucking room#i thought since i have the vacuum here anyway now i could just vacuum all under and behind my bed even though it's 2am#but i'm terrified of moving my bed#i imagine some kind of a spider nest or eggs there i'm fucking SHAKING man i don't know how to function i literally need therapy i think#this is UNMANAGEABLE i hate being so terrified i'm still crying and there's NO ONE to help me#in fact i must somehow make it without screaming if i find it again#or it finds me#because my roommate will be angry with me#i just called my father shaking and barely able to speak begging him to come to my place tomorrow and buy me some anti spider spray#or else one of those electrical devices#they scare spiders away#but like i said#i??? really mean it when i say i cried and screamed#now i'm just standing here in the cold room dreading the idea of going to bed because I KNOW if they're coming from somewhere it's THERE#jfc#i have to have my father help me#ohhh my fucking god i think i'll puke.#i literally think i need some anti-phobia therapy honestly#i can't wake up my roommate again i can't#godgodgodgodgodgod#what fucking punishment is this i can't move i am frozen to this spot anyway i move it'll be there#i don't fucking know what terrifies me so fucking much They're just little insects but i'm still frozen in spot nauseous and crying
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Dallas Clowns Cowboys
Playoffs are here so ill make a tiny introduction of my dumb favs (under a read more because this is LONG)
Dak Prescott: our beloved quarterback <3 you either hate him or love him. But he is a really nice guy and doesnt deserve the amount of hate he gets. Always injured so please pray for his body. He has been through a lot pls he deserves nice things. #4
Zeke Elliott: He loves Dak more than every other human on earth combined. He is DumbTM but his smile brightens up the room and thats enough for me! Running Back and team clown. He used to wear the jerseys as crop tops and he should bring it back asap. #21
Micah Parsons: linebacker and DPOTY of my heart (bosa fuck you) Its just his second year. He is dumb but very pretty and VERY fast. He spent one afternoon giving fans gas money on twitter because yes. #11
Trevon Diggs: his son is funnier than him. Cornerback and also very dumb <3 Yes, stefon's little brother #7
DeMarcus Lawrence: The Boss of our defense and unofficial pep-talk giver. Defensive end. #90
CeeDee Lamb: we do NOT say his real name. I named this blog after him when he was just a rookie, thats how much i love him. Man likes nice smells, candles and dogs, he is perfect. Wide Receiver. #88
Tony Pollard: Running Back. You either get him or Zeke. He is fast and likes stressing me. #20
Dalton Schultz: Tight End. People forget about him and thats very rude imo because i love him very much. #86
Michael Gallup: my fav acrobat <3 Wide Receiver #13
KaVontae Turpin: he is very tiny (for NFL standars, he is still taller than me) and very dumb im so soft for him. Oficcially a wide reciever but he is our return specialist mainly. He gets excited when he sees Fellow Tiny Men on other teams. #9
Cooper Rush: our backup quarterback. No offense Coop because i love you but the less i see you, the better #10
And thats it im tired and its almost 5:30 am <3 i swear they are nice boys please even if you dont support them, dont hate them (if you are a philly fan... im sorry)
#plus we play brady and who tf wants to see brady win AGAIN?#dallas cowboys#im not tagging the players this is a very dumb post that makes no sense#also yes im still on hiatus but these are the playoffs it was worth breaking it over this post imo#also 2 i TECHNICALLY have a football sideblog but i just use it as an archive for random gifs#so you all get this on main <3#also 3 i could make a long af post talking about zeke and dak because their friendship is so special to me#but then half of you would probably block me so. I wont <3#ANYWAY#please be nice to them (and me)#i already suffered when people were hating on luka all the time back when i was still on the NBA fandom so pls just dont hate them#sgahskj#<3#okay you may now keep watching basketball im going to sleep because its late AF#i feel bad for everyone that knows me/this blog because of rm or stuff like that because they must be like laura wtf???#sorry
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okay from tomorrow im going to start taking better care of myself
#i just realized that all day ive only eaten 5 tyropitakia (cheese pastries?) and half a cup of tea#which would have been fine if i had slept at 2 when i got ready for bed#so yeah im gonna start with eating and sleeping better#and on monday ill go back to the gym#also unrelated but my neck hurts. i think i must have slept wrong on it or something#anyway now im going to actually sleep#byeee#jo says stuff#personal ramblings
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Guess what, I've worked what probably amounts to half of my total hours, in one fucking month. My store is resting on my shoulders, it seems, and boy do I feel that. I have not had a moment's rest since my vacation, and uh, it's probably not sustainable? Maybe?
Anyway. Guess who's going to be travelling for hours on end and then arrive just a day before a mandatory University lecture? It's me!
#text_loke#i'm also curious what my boss is going to say when he gets back. and looks at my nightmare hours#because uh. i've worked. wayyyy too much these last few months#and i am. halfway. tempted to make a little bit of a racket to the higher ups to argue my way for a higher percentage position#because i have not worked 20% in a WHILE. gimme my 40% because i for damn sure have earned it#i also. somehow. need to squeeze in the time to read the books for my Masters. because uh. i'm also doing that#can you tell i'm living by a thread rn? my sister legit just moved out yesterday and i have NOT had time to process that#i still don't have time! i won't have time!#so i shall grin and bear it as i always do!#ahjshdd legit tho. yesterday i had barely had anything to eat due to my schedule being PACKED#i woke up after five hours of sleep finished the postbox for my sister RAN out the door for Uni at 11. and when done at Uni went work#my coworker thought me insane yesterday for bouncing on my feet with barely any food in my body. or sleep#however. it's just how i am. i can just. grin and go on with my day and function when my body is Barely Responding#i will just. not be quite intelligent because my brain is Slow#also. i was NOT happy being one hour extra at work today. like it WAS worth it and i did it freely#but also i wanted to go home. but. closing shift needed my help and i had to make sure everything was ok before i left#however. i have. so much bullshit i must do tomorrow. fuck#anyway. if y'all are curious as to where i've been these last few months. my answer is dying (work and uni). i am perished#i have barely any time for myself anymore. i'm not mad about it or anything. not even like. burnt out (knock on wood)#however. i do feel the toll. i do wish i could just. do fun things again. hopefully when uni properly starts and i go to my ACTUAL CONTRACT#i can then finally relax. right now however. not so much#hopefully they won't need me next week tho. because i cannot. at all#anyway. if i didn't already know i was a workaholic i sure do now!
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#First week of working only morning shifts because I can't stand customers in general but in the afternoon is really bad ahdjhahs#Before I was having morning shifts and afternoon shifts sort of mixed up but yeah... It was so hard to go to work in the afternoon#Even if sleeping in was nice#Anyway... I'll be off early#And I'm gonna get used to the energy I guess#Right now I just want to go back to sleep#But gotta do a stupid self tape#I will force myself not to take naps#Have so much shit to do before my friend moves in in 2 weeks#Yes this is my diary now. Prefer to leave it in the void. Keep scrolling#(I lowkey like when fellow tumblrinas write their diary entries in tag form)#(lol staff must hate that... The way that we've been using this feature this way for so long. I always think about it... Anyway)
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We’re having an emergency meeting to discuss Chris Johnson and the whitest name ever
absolutely fitting for our white man now innit
#snap chats#speaking of White People and names tho.. i drove out to barnes and noble because if i stayed at my mom's any longer id go insane#and while i was here i read the entirety of My Brother's Husband. VERY good series it was so good i loved it...#its not in my budget today to buy the whole set but maybe one day.. mike flanagan i love you you're so happy and good..#WAIT IT GOT A LIVE ACTION SERIES ????? I HAVE TO WATCH IT LATER I WAS JUST THINKING IT'D BE GOOD AS A JDRAMA#what i did buy today tho was the second volume of The Yakuza's Bias since i loved the first one so much#and ive been PRAYING the second one'd come out soon#i also got another kirby blind box </3 its supposed to sit on your drinking glass but i didnt see who i got yet..#i hope its not meta knight. i love meta knight but i want some variety...#im hoping its the sleeping kirby one but it was hard to hear the difference so idk#and im not checkin til later so i doont get tempted to return what i got to get a new one like a freak ☠️#SO SAD THO when i was getting my stuff they didnt have any more butterfly bookmarks...#i always get one when i go out and sure i have more than enough bookmarks but now it feels weird...#anyway. im gonna get food i havent eaten all day... tho i did want chicken and soju later didnt i...#maybe ill just get something light here i just came here for the wifi honestly lol#god what else did i do.. OH THERE WAS THIS ONE MANGA.#i forget the full name but it had 'akane' in the title so of course i was like 'lol' and decided to read the blurb#IN THE STORY HER DAD'S NAME IS ARAKAWA ? but all of his teachers also have the surname arakawa but theyre not related#arakawa must be a ral impotrant name in the manga.... point is i lol'd#i almost wanna go back to. stopping this post now to do it LOL HANG ON BRB#AKANE-BANASHI THAT'S WHAT IT WAS CALLED and she wanted to be the best rakugo performer after her father's teacher#also named arakawa. As I Said.#failed everyone for no reason#maybe one day ill check it out.. always thought rakugo was a fine art...#anyway im rambling too much im gonna try to write a fanfic. no way in hell im drawing rgg in public LMAO#actually im gonna get food first.. as i said i havent eaten all day... ok bye#anon im so sorry if you ever read these tags LMAO I JUST LIKE TALKING ABOUT MY DAY
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