#i dont really get anxious driving on my own now. its mostly just school freaking me out

[arielluva]

if 15 year old me could survive going back to school in person after quarantine SURELY i can handle it now right. surely.

[highlonelylustfull]

28-junio-2019

Well.. last night I had this REALLY disturbing dream that I was walking home, and saw this motorcyclist knick his foot on the wall at such high speed that his whole body snapped in half and was completely covered in blood, and I told myself I could never be a doctor, because I didn't act.. I just stood there. Then I dreamed that I was skiing with baby Sergio, and we were about to go down these slopes of solid, I mean solid ice. And I was stuck. Can’t climb back up, too dangerous to go down, and its not just me, I also have Sergio with me. Just this state of panic. The last dream before I woke up was a dream about me waking up and getting ready to go but losing track of time and being late.

I had 4 doctors appointments, and 3 tests done today. I haven't had that feeling of anxiety in a long long time. I felt like I was back in middle school, and I was running own my long list of things to do to help the anxiety, and none of them worked. I ended up crying for a good 5/10 minutes in a bathroom stall, wondering what the fuck was happening to me. Why was I crying? Why was I so anxious? What was really going on? 

I decided last night that I was going to ignore all of Charlie’s messages and see how long it took him to call me. Well, damn him, he messaged me around 10 wishing me luck and reassurance. An hour or so after I decided to be vulnerable just a bit, and tell him that actually I was having a really bad time and was in need of a distraction. He quickly responded with a selfie of him in a shower cap, which stopped my anxiety and restless mind cold for a few blissful moments, and actually made me laugh, and I was smiling the rest of the day and even now just thinking about it. He is currently or was driving to some mountain in Scotland, which I think is pretty noble and rad to do on a limb like that; and still he checked in on emergency to ask how I was doing. He's so sweet and considerate I really really like him. So much, and it scares the shit out of me. 

I was just outside on the terrace, listening to the new Daniel Caesar album, feeling the breeze, and looking up at the sky. Thinking about life and mostly Charlie. Thinking that instead of feeling disconnected, unsure, and insecure about the way thing are, I should look at it from the lens of: he is doing everything he needs to, straying from the centre line, in order to be a better partner. He knows that he's too tired and delicate in his words to be able to be a good partner to me, that he needs time to come back whole, fresh, and renewed, and the biggest mistake I can make right now is not letting his take that time for personal growth and discovery. Or giving him the impression that if he goes too far that no one will be there waiting for him. It does take a certain level of security and trust to be able to stray from the centre line, the beaten path, and have faith that you’ll have something to come back to. I must admit that the voice in my head tells me these are all very selfish ideas to have about the situation currently. I hate when I keep asking myself what to do, when the answer is nothing! I don't know how to cope with that, and look how far I had to take things will mom to be able to sit back and do nothing. 

I feel so important, and safe, and valuable, and secure when talking to Charlie, but as soon as we hang up, a few hours later, I lose the faith. I lose the trust that he actually wants to be with me, that he wants me. That he feels the same. I know he cares on some level. And I know he wants to be with me otherwise he wouldn’t have done all of this, but with all the space and distance I just freak. And by distance I am referring to emotional distance. I honestly dont think that physical distance is a good reason to call quits on love. It could be difficult because of the time change.. but the communication and trust that it builds is unparalleled, and such a lovely base for a relationship.  

[noobsurveys]

who was the last person who unexpectedly texted you? driver teacher what was the last thing you carried to your room? water bottle when’s the next time you’ll be drinking? saturday Looking forward to something this weekend? drinking w my buds Has anyone smoked in your car? i cant drive but i’ve been in smoke cars yes

which class are you doing the worst in? chemistry best thing that happened to you this summer? got closer to my friends. kinda overcame alcoholism. do you think if you want a guy’s attention engaging him then ignoring him works? uh nah i think you should actively engage with people ur interested in something you wish your parents would let you do: i can do mostly whatever i want do you like people that remind you of yourself? yeah my best friend is very much alike myself. but i think all kinds of people can be fun. Do you donate anything? no Is there anyone you are holding a grudge against? not that i can think of Is there anyone holding a grudge against you? probably!!

Did you get into and attend your first choice college? probably wont!! When was the first moment you discovered love? guess i discovered familial love pretty early. platonic friendly love a bit late but when i did i fell hard. i dont think i understand romantic love yet, but i’ll get there eventually. How long has it been since you’ve ridden a school bus? couple of months. though around 3 years since i used to ride them regularly. What do you think of frogs? i think they’re pretty neat but i do get a bit frightened when they suddenly appear out of nowhere with their little legs Whats the worst Christmas present you’ve ever gotten? probably uhh socks or nasty candy What would you do if someone told you that you were the most beautiful person in the world and they wanted to wake up to you every morning? i’d be a bit dumbfounded since that’s really unexpected! but happy, sure, thats very sentimental and nice. i’d feel pressured though, i wouldnt want to make a committment just based on someones sudden love (infatuation) confession.

Are you the person to open a box of cereal just to get the toy inside? we never had cereal toys in my country

Do you get scared easy? not really. i can get paranoid and anxious on rare occasions.

What was one of the stupidest things you cried over when you were little? time passing. it still makes me tear up tbh i dont think i’ll ever learn how to deal with how short life is and how people will walk out of your life never to be seen again. past moments will never be experienced again. nothing will be the same, for better or worse.

Have you ever drank milk from the carton? i take a swig every morning

Juice or milk? juice for booze

Do you ever turn off your computer properly? tbh i’ve been slacking on that lol

Do you wish you were a fish? no

Who’s your favorite super hero? not a big superhero person! i guess iron man or spiderman

Who’s your favorite super villian? t h a n o s

Spiderman or X-men? Spiderman

Movie theatre or stay at home movie night? home

Do you have a Blue Ray? no but i think my lil netflix box can play blurays

How about HD television? yes

Do you think HD television is kind of a waste of money? nahh not if you have people over often. kind of a bummer to watch movies on a computer.

Do you get why people get so fricken freaked out during football season? i understand the nationalistic exitement but i dont understand the absolute freakouts some people have over it

Do you ever sneak scraps to the dog even though you’re not suppose to? only when i spill stuff on the floor

Are you reading a book right now? If so what? not a big book person

What was the last book you were required to read for school? hunger by knut hamsun

O donuts or jelly filled? o i guess but donuts are kinda gross

Do you like your icecream in a bowl or cone? bowl

Marshmellows in your hot chocolate or no? no

Do you like cherry coke? No.

Do you really think diet Dr. Pepper is the equivalent of a cupcake? never tasted it, i imagine its gross

Do you snore in your sleep? Drool? Talk? i think i snore a bit, to my great shame. i fucking hate snoring.

Have you ever sleep walked? not that i know of

Are you a morning person? depends on how well rested i am

How do you wake up in the mornings? alarm clock, parents wake me, or by myself (rare)

Do you think guyliner is hot? it can be

Is variety the spice of life? absolutely, but “same old” has a special place in my heart

Do you think strawberry milk is disgusting? yep

Have you ever drank after anyone? sharing drinks? yeah all the time

Have you ever drank after anyone you don’t know very well? yeah i tend to ask strangers for a sip and offer them some of mine oops

Do you have any limits on who you drink/eat after? not after like... drooly children or elderly people. or people i think are gross in general.

Would you eat a sucker if someone already ate some of it? uh really depends on who it was

Would you chew somebody elses gum? i’d have to know them very well! but i dont see the point

Do you enjoy school? i like the social aspect of it... and it’s fun when i do well but uhh im getting a bit tired.

Are you a teacher’s pet? sometimes, unintentionally. teachers love me for some reason.

Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? all the time babey

What’s more important? Beauty or brains? well you gotta have some beauty for me to wanna get to know your brain. but ultimately personality is more important. i dont think “brains” as in supreme intellectual is really any important.

Do you believe in yourself? ah well in certain areas. been losing some motivation about my future professional life n shit.

Did you ever want to be an astronaut when you were little? oh yes, still kinda do

How about the president? no, ew

What did you want to be when you were little? rich and funny

Did you ever want to be a super model? no that seems really stressful

Do you believe your attractive enough to be a super model? haha no maybe if i went skellymode. you dont really need a gorgeous face to model, just the right body type and aesthetic. but im too clumsy and awkward when i walk to be on the catwalk.

Have you ever had an X-ray? yeah when i was in a car crash. totally unnecessary i just did it to skip school.

What’s your favorite guy’s name? What’s your favorite girl’s name? really havent thought about it. i like classic names from my country though.

Do you laugh to yourself whenever the ketchup bottle farts? nah fam

Do you have any real guns in your house? only softguns and airsnipers

What do you want to be next Holloween? 80s coke dealer

Are you a pyro? i enjoy flames and i’ve had a little history of setting fire to shit but im not a pyro

What was the last word/thing you wrote down? this shit. physically, chemistry notes.

Sleeping or eating? white bitch never eat, never sleep. nah but sleep is more important for my functioning i guess.

Are you overall a positive person? yeah i tend to always look on the bright side of things, to other peoples annoyance. i’ve been described as naive and unrealistic but hey, it’s all gonna be fine man dont worry.

Do you hate hypocrites? i do find it annoying.

Do you like to prank people? not mean pranks but a little goof is always welcome

Is vacuum spelled funny? haha cum

Democrat or republican? fuck american politics. im near-centre purple on the compass.

Who’s the biggest asshole you know? my dog Pen or pencil? pen

Should all paper have holes? doesnt matter, can just punch one in

Have you ever been in a fist fight? yeah

Ever said something to someone that you didn’t mean to say? of course

Do you forgive too easilly? yeah i guess. it takes a lot to make me really dislike a person to the point of not forgiving their shortcomings/mistakes.

What are you listening to right now? zero

Are you tan? not really

Ever had a sunburn? yeah i always get them on my cheeks, it sucks

What was the first word you learned how to say? mama or papa

What was the last thing that upset you? chemistry exam What is something you are behind on? chemistry exam

Do you feel de-valued? meh maybe sometimes but im probably not Are you wearing winter clothes or summer clothes today? jeans and a cozy lil sweater! more wintery What is your favorite winter drink at Starbucks? only time i went to starbucks i got a plain iced coffee. so that.

Do you buy or make your Christmas cards? both Do you regret things often, or do you make the right decisions for you? i regret many things after some afterthought. in the moment i think i make good desicions but it often comes back to bite me in the ass when i realized i was wrong. At what time does it get dark in the winter where you live? like 3-4 lol Is there anyone that you miss and wish you could re-connect with? we’re still connected but i miss the very close friendship i had with my elementary school bestie Are you scared of disappointing people? yeah some people. but not most people, they can be disappointed as much as they want. Has the fear of disappointing others ever made a decision for you? sure What color are the last pair of gloves you bought? black and white, present for mom

What was the last thing you wore that was leopard print? cant remember. probably an accessory Do you decorate for Christmas? yeah i like to spruce my room up What color is your tree? pine tree color Would you rather be an elf or a unicorn? elf, who the fuck wanna be a horse Do you wonder why unicorns are suddenly a craze? hello, “2009″

Do you own Christmas pajamas? i wish for new ones every year and every year i end up ripping them What time of year do you start listening to Christmas music? after december exams Do you make your own ornaments? nahh Does it snow where you live? yeah alot What is something you do daily? chat with my friends, moisturize, doodle Do you like it when it snows in December? yeah it’s a necessity for the christmas mood Are you hoping for a white Christmas? yes and im gonna get one How old were you when you found out Santa wasn’t real? like 6? Are you good or bad at saying no to people and canceling plans when needed? i really dont like to cancel and say no because it fucking sucks when people do that to me, but i know how to put my foot down. What color are your snow boots? my snow nike running shoes? white

Are you an addict? used to be an alcoholic, now im just mildly addicted to nicotine