#anyway. for me its less ‘i have to be a man’ and more like
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misandrist rant
it pisses me off so bad when men get angry at me for setting sexual boundaries. first of all, nudes are a boundary. i wil NOT send them and if you can’t respect that fuck u. there’s porn out there for a reason bro… second of all, anal. BRO WHAT IS IT WITH GUYS AND ANAL. you are not putting that dick in my ass u disgusting freak holy shit that’s where my BROWN FUCKING SHIT comes from?!!!!?! and you wanna put your dick in there?????!! wtf are you, a child? you see a hole and wanna fuck it? that’s all u are? disgusting. anal was a practice invented by men to please them and only them. it’s yet another way to demean women into objects. women are sex, women are boobs, and pussy, and ass, and that’s all we’ll ever be to men, and when you let them use and abuse you in all your places, you’re allowing yourself to be a victim. sex that doesn’t please the women creates soulless beings and kills angels, making god herself weep. anal is the worst of them all and it is disgusting because it’s not enjoyable for the women at all, and it’s just disgusting for a dude to use a fucking SHITTER to cum like dude you’re a PIG. if you’re taking pleasure from someone else to achieve it urself. and yes some people are into that, and considering i have insane kinks i shouldn’t judge, but anal isn’t a kink its just another way for people to USE women more than they already do. literally you’ll never see a straight man fuck another man’s ass even tho they would do it to a woman. and people might say “oh that’s because they’re straight, duh,” but what does it rlly matter at the end of the day you’re fucking an ASS nigga. . nigga it’s the SAME ASS. close ur eyes and get a dude that moans like a girl and ur good. goddamn gay ass mfs wanna put their pisser where the shit comes from b ur won’t be gay about it. got me fucked up. disgusting. on top of that it’s just demeaning and gross and incorrect and men who wanna do it are even less human because NO ANIMAL besides humans does that like bro you’re opening yourself up to so many diseases and on top of the physical damage ur girl will never be able to look at you the same after you USED her body . like she might pretend to be into that but seeing a man, face scrunched while he HURTS you and cums from it is NOT hot. even if it is in the moment it’ll wear off when you realize that men are sex driven demons with no soul who just hurt you over and over, and once they get a taste they won’t stop till ur broken. On top of your romantic relationship being broken, you’ll lose the soul connection or metaphysical connection with the woman, the little one you can form anyways . to have sex is to be vulnerable its the most sane and ancient a person can be to have sec is to become part of the world part of history- in that moment when you and the person whether man or woman are in the deepest corners of each other and find release within exahither is sacred and to ruin that connection with something as depraved as fucking someone ass. there’s not even a sexy way to say it. eating someone out, that’s sexy, that’s wet, the tasty, but fucking someone’s ass? thats just sick. men are sick
#im just a girl#teeceecee#true cringe community#girlhood#tcc columbine#girl interrupted#tcc tumblr#girls who smoke weed#girlblogging#420culture#misandry#female separatism#gender is bullshit#gender ideology#anti pornography#feminism#rad fem#radical feminism
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when i say i chose to be trans i dont mean that im following a fun trend for cool points or that i haven’t experienced genuine dysphoria. i didnt choose to feel a certain way but i chose to name the feeling, and to name it in this particular language. i chose to live this way, to be open about my feelings and unapologetically transgender, and i chose to share my feelings with you. i would probably be just as trans if i never said anything about it, because the feeling i had from the beginning would still be there, but i wouldnt be choosing it. this is valid as well, i just decided its not for me. in this life, i am living this way. “i chose to be trans” because we are our actions as much as we are our feelings.
#gender tag#thinking back to how i felt in the weeks leading up to top surgery#and i kept thinking:#‘i dont have to do this. i could suppress this feeling all my life and Maybe id survive’#honestly. jon sims ‘i dont want to just survive’ big gamechanger in my life#you are allowed to want more for yourself#anyway. for me its less ‘i have to be a man’ and more like#ive been followed by a feeling of wrongness my whole life and this is an answer that works and works well for me#my very little cousins have been asking me a lot of good questions about it#so ive been thinking hard about how to put things in terms they understand
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How would you redesign Headmaster Magneto? Just out pf curiousity because while he served it didn’t feel like… Erik.
i have to keep it 100 i have no idea without just. rerunning his original design but with a palette swap LOL but we try around here
#xmen#xmen comics#magneto#erik lehnsherr#snap sketches#CAUSE LIIIKEE i want to keep SOMEE elements of the headmaster look obviously#i like its design intent. or how i see its design anyway idfk .... idk what im sayin im sleepy#just gotta. throw a few more things on there .... maybe... again i dont know 😔#the bigass M just makes me think of megaman gigamix i cant even lie#having/wanting to keep this as a one piece/leotard with that big ass m is probablyl whats stumping me if im so tbh#for some reason the lack of 'underwear' and helmet really is doing a lot for it Not feeling like magneto#the helmet i get Thats His Symbol ATP but the underwear ..... girl idk Strong Man or something like that#its just awkward because headmaster magneto is Supposed to be more tame or . 'domesticated' i guess vjALKE#not less powerful but he shouldnt be as intimidating/outwardly powerful if. that makes sense???#the first thought seeing him shouldnt be 'hes going to stomp me to death' it should be. Not That LKVJAEKj#BUT AT LEAAASSST in the back of the mind being likek 'he could probably stomp me to death'#SOME power but not to a threatening degree idfk what im saying my TUMMY IS RUMBLIGN AGAIN#what did i eat todasy. i ate like five hot pockets today thats what i ate. and some grapes#idk im tired. maybe ill try this again down the line#anyway enjoy if you can. saturday is upon us which means i can DOODLE AGAIN
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siren
#bakuspecial#cw: nudity#cw: body horror#monster#siren! I think. they're bird to me#I think this has been brewing since that stream mim did of drawing dnd monsters only from official text description#and when the official art for the sirens were shown I was like. oh thats just a woman with wings#lmao like. granted. its an official dnd book available for all audience. you cant make it too Bad To Look At#(I do not agree with this but it wasnt about me. if its about me its gonna be about very few people lmao)#but yeah. after that I got slightly too into the idea of putting more bird into birdwoman#but I also do genuinely love monsters that are Rearranged Human Parts so. I couldnt commit too much to the bird scales Im so sorry#I wanted the fleshiness. the feel. textural experience of holding her hands and being like oh that's a human#even when ur eyes tell u otherwise. mmm#...I looked to my right as I was typing these tags and saw. the fucked up pikmin I tried to sculpt the other day along with the pin#and got startled#its so. its so fucked up. gods. dusty white naked grainy parsnip#I used to have that one doll I butchered wanting to customize in a box next to me and thats way less upsetting than this. man#its perfect actually I will never throw this thing away. anyways#now. now I go to bed. its sleep time for the baku#have a good night lads! you CAN have it both way easily you just need a big bat
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work related question does anyone have any fun anime for likely 12-14 year olds that to their ulta-conservative conspiracy theory parents would have no objectionable content whatsoever that's not like . pokemon. i live in the most conservative area in michigan btw /hj
#gu6chan's musings#tl;dr so idk if i ever mentioned on this blog but i live in a very small town (less than 900 people in the TOWNSHIP which is like#...3? different towns? maybe 4)#i digress#and since i work in a public position its like#i've been trying to organise more community events this summer ESPECIALLY among the youth#and was like 'we can try appealing to hobbies; i think' and listed a couple suggestions like this and that#so i was talking to my higher ups about it and they were like 'OH! youre super into anime right'#and i was like 'uh... sure???' bc i hadn't seen ANYTHING in a hot second and am still stuck in 2008 so i dont know any new series#but they knew i was a bit of a nerd and weren't as acquainted being older so i can't blame them!! lol#anyways long story short there's been an anime club they've been trying to kickstart for like the last... 3 years?#for the local middleschool/highschool except they haven't been able to find any way to get the word accross#and i was like neato; cool; i'd love to help with that!! and told them i'd make a poster for it real quick (still haven't. work is tomorrow#so they gave me the login to crunchyroll (my first time using it) and were like 'go find some anime that kids might like!!! :)'#and i was like '...WOAH.' and told them it'd take a second bc this area is VERY conservative and there's a bit of cultural dissonance when#it comes to 'kid-appropriate' between japan and the US; particularly with nudity lmao#and a lot of even what's popular among kids (Chainsaw man; Jujutsu Kaisen i think?) wouldn't fly but ouaahahhgh#it still has to be entertaining to them and not feel like it's being 'dumbed down' i have a couple ideas like sailor moon; uhh....#cardcaptor sakura?#but those are mostly shoujo anime which is good!! But i'd also like to include some shounen-type stuff as well for balance ofc#and that's where the problem arises 😭 i'd also love to take a look at older anime since i'm still figuring out what the 'goal' of the club#is besides just having a place for kids to interact and make friends with each other like#do i want it to be based in looking at the history of anime as an art form and its evolution? should it be like a book club and more focuse#on discussing character arcs and writing? or maybe even linguistically based since I did mention wanting to help inspire kids to take up#different languages!! and i know a lot would love to learn japanese#but yeah a lot to figure out 😭 i might be cooked chat
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ive been staring at the naqtube channel page just doing analysis thoughts in my head for like 15 minutes and ive just been hit with the realization that Damn this is not normal. normal people dont do this. either the mental illness or the mild sickness is doing something to me right now.
#[cosmic heroes of dubious alignment]#IM NOT EVEN WRITING ANYTHING DOWN. IM JUST BRUTEFORCING THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD.#uhmmmmmm anyways. im trying to think of potential themes naq might have#and its like wow i am not good at recognizing themes bc im dense as bricks sometimes but i swear theres a repeating pattern of .. roles?#the expectation and breaking of stereotypical roles to be more specific#like listen to me here. obviously theres the line ive pointed out b4 with the 'theyre fighting evil/theyre [..] evil' line;#the lines in the unused takes video that paint n&q as less than morally good in /some/ sort of way;#queen buzzbeamer's whole deal as ive said ad nauseam; a more recent example i feel like would be part of the binary translated from hazard:#'this is who i am and who i will ever be'. accepting your role.#but also on a more meta sort of way with the games themselves. the female mcs getting more focus than the male mcs-#-in a time period where most video game mcs were male and the female characters were one-note is something noteworthy to me.#the fact that nebula is CONSISTENTLY framed bigger/more prominently in almost every piece of official art we see.#her name is first in the title. naq was conceptualized as a concept with her only first. shes always also featured in ads alongside quasar.#the only ad that features quasar prominently is the jumparound ad which alludes to it possibly being a request from sony#-and thus would want to play it more 'mainstream'.#by itself this doesnt stand out bc it could always be just the creators wanting some hashtag women in their unfiction series#which i would be fine with if that was the case. we love women. HOWEVER#its the fact that naq2 (from what we know so far) ACTIVELY TRIES TO BACKPEDAL ON THIS. which makes me think its INTENTIONAL.#both nova and nebula have seemingly been sidelined in naq2 with their screentimes reduced. nova reduced to a 'supporting character' and -#nebula into a possibly offscreen kidnappee. QUASAR takes their spotlights in naq2.#...maybe a way of 'making back lost sales' from naq1? pivoting too hard into the stereotypical from the unusual...#because obviously thats whats scaring away your customers. not the white room scandal. totally not.#'..ok is this leading up to anything mara. whats your conclusion statement' idunno man.#i just think its an interesting tidbit that keeps popping up. i am not a coherent theory guy#i am a pointing out things and throwing them at the wall to see what sticks guy.#there is also the very real chance that im completely wrong abt naq2 bc we still dont know a lot about it sooo. shrug.
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I keep drinking coffee thinking it's gonna make me Productive and then instead of doing the work I actually have to do I just compulsively make spreadsheets :(
#my homework is. not done#but!!! i just realized if i take 2 spanish classes i can have a russian/spanish major instead of just russian#(it's complicated but this would leave me with: double major languages and history with a joint major in asian middle east studies)#(plus a minor in religious studies and concentration in islamicate studies)#first i gotta: relearn spanish for like the third time#but it's ok i'm hopping thru spain in less than a month so i should proooobably do that anyway#man when i was touring colleges my mom was like really dismissive about the idea of double majoring and now i'm here like#How Many Things Can I Stack Up To Get Big Number On Transcript#aaaaaaaand because of ames requirements i did the dumb thing and ended up learning persian while my spanish is still kinda iffy#итак со��ершилося то что я пытался предотвратить as they say#so i'm just gonna have to study two languages at once next semester... or just keep going thru the cycle of relearning them abt every year#my russian is a big girl it can survive on its own but i now gotta feed the babiessssss#tho ig what this kinda cyclically learning and forgetting spanish has taught me is like#languages are less like babies and more like those lil desert plants that wither up when they don't have any water#they might look dead but they're nearly impossible to kill completely#and will bounce right back after a lil care n patience. i just gotta like.... water em#the one thing standing in my way is ideological opposition to my spanish textbook#i have to pay $200 for access to a *website*#*i don't even get a book just a shitass ebook*#but it's ok one of the spanish profs likes me i think? i think she would let me skip the intro lit class#only problem is it was Genuinely Hard for me to follow along when i audited advanced lit... 90% of the class was heritage speakers#tho ig like. having taken a class meant for native russian speakers should help w learning to survive that kinda thing#genuinely i think i can do it#just gotta make that my goal. study. do it for zapata#and if i wanna go into translating... having good spanish should help right? like if i finally get b2 spanish?#yeah. if i could do kazakh history for native russian speakers i can do spanish lit for heritage spanish speakers. it's equivalent enough#but ok i'm gonna visit my buddy in spain who did nearly the exact same shitass majors combination as me#tho i think he did spanish/arabic for his language major and just Happens To Also Be Fluent In Russian cuz he's Like That#it's ok he's two years older than me i have two years to become that cool#he can tell me what to do
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I'm not an extrovert. At all. In everyday life, I'm a yapper, sure, but I need someone to first assure me I am okay to yap, so I don't start conversations, even when I really want to join in sometimes! It's just the social anxiety acting up. God knows where from and why I lose a lot of my inhibitions when it comes to talking to people about music. I don't know where the confidence has suddenly sprung from. I've made a crazy amount of friends in musical circles, either just talking to people about common music or (since it is after all in music circles) talking to bands about their own music. I let out a sigh of relief any time an interaction goes well, because in truth it's going against my every instinct. I wish I could do that in everyday life
#like that's the point where we need to remind everyone around me that as much as I say#radio is 'a job'-- it's not 'my job' lol. I wish I was this interested in data science#but like. Honestly?? I'm not even a data scientist!? I answered a few questions about classical AI having come from a computer science back#background and now people are saying to me 'I know you're a data scientist and not a programmer' sir I am a computer scientist#what are you on about#and like I guess I get to google things and they're paying me so I'm not complaining but like I am not a data scientist#my biggest data scientist moment was when I asked 'do things in data science ever make sense???' and a bunch of data scientists went#'no :) Welcome to the club' ???????#why did I do a whole ass computer science degree then. Does anyone at all even want that anymore. Has everything in the realm of#computer science just been Solved. What of all the problems I learned and researched about. Which were cool. Are they just dead#Ugh the worst thing the AI hype has done rn is it has genuinely required everyone to pretend they're a data scientist#even MORE than before. I hate this#anyway; I wish I didn't hate it and I was curious and talked to many people in the field#like it's tragicomedy when every person I meet in music is like 'you've got to pursue this man you're a great interviewer blah blah blah'#and like I appreciate that this is coming from people who themselves have/are taking a chance on life#but. I kinda feel like my career does not exist anymore realistically so unless 1) commercial radio gets less shitty FAST#2) media companies that are laying off 50% of their staff miraculously stop or 3) Tom Power is suddenly feeling generous and wants#a completely unknown idiot to step into the biggest fucking culture show in the country (that I am in no way qualified for)#yeah there's very very little else. There's nothing else lol#Our country does not hype. They don't really care for who you are. f you make a decent connection with them musically they will come to you#Canada does not make heroes out of its talent. They will not be putting money into any of that. Greenlight in your dreams.#this is something I've been told (and seen) multiple times. We'll see it next week-- there are Olympic medallists returning to uni next wee#no one cares: the phrase is 'America makes celebrities out of their sportspeople'; we do not. Replace sportspeople with any public professi#Canada does not care for press about their musicians. The only reason NME sold here was because Anglophilia not because of music journalism#anyway; personal
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back to thinking abt linebeck enjoying wearing dresses
#like. hang on#linebeck#salty talks#gonna specify rlly quick that this is very much not a post abt like transfem linebeck headcanon#its a headcanon that keeps in mind the headcanon that linebeck rlly rlly likes being a man and likes his masculinity while fucking with it#its like. the idea of like. a masculine character genuinely enjoying feminine clothes. so linebeck genuinely enjoying dresses#he doesnt rlly own any or wear them in public i typically imagine him having it as like a secret enjoyment (in like ph timeframe)#(or sinilar timeframes where hes more concerned abt upholding that reputation and not being comfortable being open abt like#having a less masculine side or feminine interests and w/e but like. just the idea of him trying on dresses and earnestly enjoying it yknow#i would probably have it be smth in post ph where he gets to be more open abt it. its almost a sort of gender euphoria thing#idk smth abt it makes me very happy to think abt it and its mostly due to the mixed hcs of linebeck genuinely enjoying it#and him also being very secure and happy in being masculine yknow. it makes me happy to think abt#like idk a setup in post ph where he and the crew check out a clothes store or smth and him being more open abt his interest in dresses#and getting a lot of support from them abt it- like he personally rlly likes it but still feels awkward abt it on a social level#not sure where im going with this. havent applied it too much in my aus or anything but its also a slightly newer hc#and also not something thats rlly come up anyways. but i rlly like it
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again and again i find myself lamenting that audio roleplay isn't taken more seriously by some people. like yeah, they often have a romantic element, and by nature they usually directly involve/address the listener- and i totally get that those things aren't to everyone's taste. no art or entertainment is universally appealing, and that's okay! but.. it still makes me a lil sad that the "cringe" reputation of asmr/audio rp precedes it. there's a whole lot of talent and creativity being poured into these audios by so many people that i feel goes unrecognized and/or disrespected simply due to the medium that the stories are being told through.
#this post brought to you by: me bingeing Sam & Darlin's entire storyline over the past few days and having a Lot of feelings abt it#asmr#audio roleplay#rp audio stuff#redacted audio#anyways i don't have a conclusion to this post. and i'm not Mad or Upset or anything i'm just thinkin' out loud#and i mean it's not like it doesn't get plenty of praise within its respective audience bc it does. at least for the more popular creators#but i feel it'll still always have the shadow of its cringe reputation looming over it#which makes it hard for some ppl to openly appreciate or share with others that aren't already fans of the medium#like do u know how many comments i've seen along the lines of 'this is great but i'd die if anyone knew i liked this kinda stuff' ?? :(#idk maybe i feel strongly about it bc i'm a self-insert fanfic writer. and i feel like the two have a lot in common. including a bad rep.#like. not every audio will be well-written or produced and neither will every fanfic. but that doesn't mean it's a less legitimate artform#and i'm lucky to have never (yet) received negative comments on my work. but that doesn't mean that it doesn't make me sigh when people-#-say shit like 'this reads like fanfiction' as a way of calling something bad. or other similar sentiments that make the same implication#and i wouldn't be surprised if audio creators feel the same way when they encounter certain comments or statements#like. those YT videos where ppl will 'try bf asmr for the first time' or whatever and it's just 20 mins of cringing and over-reacting? eugh#tbf i haven't watched many bc why do that to myself. so Maybe there's some that are respectful but still. imagine getting roasted like that#and yes yes i know that by posting stuff online you're inadvertently sighing up to be criticized by Anyone but still. man. i dunno#i'm going on a tangent but my point is. i'm grateful for the creators that still make their art in spite of the public's perception of it#bc some of the most impactful emotional experiences i've ever gained from fiction took place in audio rp and i'm so serious abt that.#anyways. this post almost feels like i'm 'making up a person to be mad at' but i promise it's not that serious i'm just yapping. mostly.#certainly not trying to start any kind of debate or anything either i just have a lot of fixation-induced energy and nowhere to put it#this is Eric's fault (/lh) for cooking Sam up in a lab catered exactly to my taste and making Darlin' waaaaay too painfully relatable#but it's also My fault for bingeing the Inversion /and/ the Quinn arc /and/ the Summit all within a couple days. but i can't help myself#feels like i've run an emotional marathon. triathlon. The Emotional Olympics if u will. i'm feeling Everything#who knew that beating the shit out of ur fictional abuser could feel so goddamn cathartic! it's a nice replacement when u can't do it irl#anyways i'm off on a tangent again. thanks for coming to my TED Talk i'm gonna crawl back in my hole now#actually i'm gonna go relisten to a few audios. as Research for my Sam & Darlin' playlist as well as a post i'll be making about it soon#u Know i've got it bad when i not only make a playlist but start Posting on here about the songs that remind me of them. i'm cooked guys.
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when I beat my racist high school bully out for valedictorian, it didn't end racism. but it still felt fucking good. i know not a single player on team canada care about me and my community. and know team canada winning didn't end fascism but it felt fucking good. and at the VERY least that man won't be able to use the outcome as a propaganda piece. you're right it is a moral victory. but it's better than a fucking loss.
i'm glad you can feel better for five minutes, and i am genuinely glad the trolling online from clownish republicans will stop about hockey at least (minus sarah palin who genuinely likes hockey apparently), bc they never actually cared about anything but stirring the pot. which worked tremendously well lol.
on the exact same hand, i think americans that enjoy hockey going through a tough time right now would have enjoyed a win too so. like have your fun.. i'm not mad at that outcome by any stretch of the imagination, but the second stupid shit like it's OUR sport in all sincerity and and blah blah creeps in, it sounds stupid and nationalist... esp the more removed we get from the moment.
#easks#like the ultra lib shit... sounds just like american liberals lkFJDSKL which last night seeing ppl meme in the moment n rt all trudeaus shi#like i get the sentiment and respect it esp in the moment when ur riding the adrenaline of what just happened#i was quite literally up til 3am kflsjd having fun abt it last night. but again its not really... representative of much seriously#and i can think the sheeeer intensity and insistence of it is a bit dumb and u wont die bc of my opinion#also i have seen plenty of ppl act like these guys DO represent them so like. if thats not u.. then the posts arent abt u. clearly lollolol#like actually 2 worst uncle fanbases fight no matter who won that game so on a surface level..#the most annoying canadian trolls are being as annoying as expected#just like the most annoying american ones would have been... and none of it would have changed the reality klFJDSKLZ#tis nice to see trump lovers punished but oh some still got to celebrate so like JLKFJDSLKZ#anyway memes and shit today are funny fkljdsa and fine idgaf its sports in that way#i just still think that brought out the most ludicrous absolutist takes from some folks#also like..... it didnt save u. fkljsdklf#it didnt make threats any more or less credible.. thats the thing abt trump bro#and if the threats of annexation never escalate... its bc they werent serious in the first place. a thing none of us can gauge w that man#not bc u won a hockey game and turned the tides of ur political future LKFJDSKLF LIKE THATS NOTTT#narrative lover in me gets it but that is just not the case
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Archive 81 tv show made Melody Pendras straight we cannot trust podcasts in the hands of mainstream media !!!!!!!
#archive 81#I have mixed feelings about it and as soon as they introduced Gal Pal Annabelle to replace Actual Girlfriend Alexa it should have been a#red flag#conceptually I really liked what they did to flesh out the first season#but they took it in a completely different direction by the end and at that point it’s not even the same thing anymore 🙄#like you can’t even pick up anything from the original’s season 2 because they reconstructed the narrative so much#idk man its not like they’re going to make any more of it anyways but I still felt the need to come on here and bitch#honestly main stream adaptations of podcasts scare me like I revel in exposure for things I like but ultimately so much gets lost in#translation#like archive 81 podcast is weird and nonsensical at times and Tape Recorder Man’s adventures in the Upside Down just don’t translate to a#general audience ? so they gotta bring in reasons for it to make sense like satanism and witches and demons#when that was sooooooo not the point of the original#like seeing how much they had to adjust to appeal to an outside audience makes me almost glad the wtnv tv show didn’t get green lit#can you imagine ???? how the fuck would they get five headed dragon Hiram McDaniel on my actual television ????#standing next to a Cecil Palmer with a canon appearance no less#like adaptations are cool and they CAN work sometimes but if you’re going to have to break and bend the world in order to make it to the#point where it’s a new thing entirely#ESPECIALLY since we live in a world where audio drama is not respected as a creative medium#at that point I’m just like leave it alone it’s fine on it’s own#anyways archive 81 is an interesting experiment into what live action podcast adaptations COULD look like but you can pry lesbian Melody#Pendras from my cold dead hands and that makes the adaptation automatically inferior imo#I guess she could be bi but when you remove Canon Girlfriend and instead make her kiss a man ? not likely#I am just talking to hear myself talk now goodbye#max rambles in the tags
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part of me still feels like i might be sort of genderfluid and/or bisexual but just traumatized about it. no idea anymore
#like. remember that. remember following me back when i was bi and genderfluid lol. awhile ago now#its like whatever to me now. its really hard for me to pin anymore#like when i feel like genderfluid and bi again i feel like i can be a lot more open about shit#but i dont really even know. its hard#i feel like. and this is just like. me yknow. i feel like if i wasnt dating a man i'd be missing out on something that i want#like i dont know if i would be content just marrying a woman and being satisfied if i. didnt have a husband. yknow what i mean#and its like. if *I* wasnt a man i'd be sad. if in a relationship i wasnt someone's boyfriend or husband i'd be sad about it#so this is what wraps back around to me being a gayboy about it yknow#its complicated because no matter the gender label outcome. i would STILL want testosterone and surgery and masculine terms#and i KNOW this doesnt mean anything for some people. like some women do all that and are women#so i could just be not-a-man and still want all this anyways#but i also know it doesnt make it any less complicated for some of these women. who also had to think about themselves a lot in this way#its this weird notion of whatever ends up happening i... physically want the same shit anyways. THAT stays almost completely static#so that for me is a breather. its just like.... idk ... if i ever got in a relationship with a woman#i'd feel like i would be intrinsically. missing out on something i wanted#which i think is what a lot of burgeoning gay kids feel generally. right#like if you went down this stringent path laid out for you that you'd be missing out on. your life that you want. right.#i dont know what i want out of that really. sometimes i feel like im too out of it to pursue anything romantically anymore anyways#i do sometimes think it'd be cool to be a butch woman. kinda..?#i think what i like about that is the masculinity of myself is gender non-confirming if i were a woman#which if im a masc guy i'm just like. your average dude. like. right#but i wanna be a bear about it. i wanna fag it up about it. and my metric of being transgender im not ... average about how i present mysel#can someone teach me how to fag it up. the construction worker part of this is working right#sighhhh.... i have to go shower. maybe i;'ll have a shower epiphany or something. sighhhhh#sometimes in my head being a woman would be alright. but its like.. i dont even know how to decode it#i think some people would call what im feeling being genderfluid. some people might call it something else. it depends on like. you yknow#and what you want. and what makes you smile. me? not quite so sure anymore#and i think its like. this sounds like its laid quite bare right. but its hard to word even.#but sometimes im like. am i just like. talking ...? yknow what i mean.
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just finished s2 of kaiji and it was good i really liked it but i hope i never see that fuckass pachinko machine again!!!
#i started ep 15 assuming hey the climactic battle against the swamp of despair is probably gonna be like 6 episodes max right#bc the op has hyoudou and roulette so there's a third game on the way#and from about the fourth episode on i kept going man it's gotta end next episode right they can't have That much more they can do with it#TWELVE EPISODES OF ONE GAME OF PACHINKO. YOU'RE JOKING#and watching it animated is one thing but im surprised fans of the manga didnt string him up in the street for this#im not joking i sunk cost fallacied my way through the entire thing in one sitting it was so much fucking pachinko#and spoilers spoilers spoilers but the BUILDING??? the BUILDING. jumping the shark a Little there to be so fr with you all#head in my hands kaiji i love you your life is ridiculous. the last episode having him blow his meager winnings on pachinko like the day#after was insane to me HAVENT YOU HAD ENOUGH???? I CERTAINLY HAVE#augh and like. guhh hes so nice hes such a nice protagonist im. in love with him a little bit#i do wish he was a Little more tempted by the money bc i liked that component earlier on#ah actually i think the main object of the fights becoming Figuring Out How To Out-Cheat The Enemy was less cool#don't get me wrong it was fun but i Really liked the more raw nobody knows whats going on vibes of the first two#and the group dynamics of rrps and the human derby were so delicious to me. also i wish s2 had more torture implements#the cheating thing makes sense progression-wise it's just a preference thing. the human derby hit me insanely hard#so it's kind of hard for anything to compete after that y'know?#actually very happy kaiji is still addicted to gambling at the end. like it's a happy ending bc he's debt free but like. he's not gonna#stay that way. and maybe thats a weird thing to be happy about but i think it's a choice that makes sense#he's got no reason to give it up and has become emotionally dependent on it. the series' concern w gambling as inherently self-destructive#and its sympathy towards ppl who see it as their last hope is like. really cool and idk i think it keeps kaiji real to never let that go#ok i just looked it up and the manga does continue. my ass will be reading it for sure#so idk how faithful the anime ending is but yeah. anyway i really really liked it this was good for me like emotionally#fkmt#ive heard the next arc is mahjong which is sick bc i like 80% know how mahjong works from yakuza#maybe this will help me grasp the final 20% (<- should just look up the rules or something)#what else. right i think it's funny that there's like 2 women total. The most allergic to women series ive ever seen and thats Impressive#the 2nd op is comedically cheeks like just Bad. very fun recognizing the band from the shitass 1st h.xh ed#im like 95% sure hidenari ugaki plays a side character in an episode but it's not listed on his behind the VAs so. alas.#2nd ed is fun bc while i Hate the trope it's doing i love seeing kaiji being put in Situations (clearly)#anyway. it's really good you guys should watch kaiji
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sometimes i feel a little weird doing fandom-y things for rhps (because ive never been in a fandom this small before also because it just feels a little weird sometimes) and ill doubt myself and think "does everything NEED a fandom?? scoffs" even though. im hyperfixated super crazy style.
but then i remember that i have no mouth and i must scream has a fandom and i realize that life (fandoms) finds a way and if there is at least one person who likes something, there's probably going to be fanfic about it and some kind of ship WILL be involved
#tag: talkity talk#like yes obviously not everything NEEDS shipping. but everything will have it anyways thats just how life works#its like the SFW version of rule 34#if it exists and has more than two characters/people involved there will be shipping#so remembering that i feel less bad about my immense enjoyment of frank/brad#yes frank/brad/janet is great and all BUT. i dont think janet and brad should be in a relationship all things considered#partially because im in the “brad is gay” camp partially because i think brad's a dick (still love him though)#also janet deserves to kiss girls.#i'll never feel bad for being a columbia/magenta lover though you could never shame me for that#janet/columbia/magenta is based and you cant convince me otherwise#i dont SHIP frank/brad/rocky but i think its funny#personally i think any poly ship with frank is funny because its just like. non ethical nonmonogamy.#like congratulations thats the worst anyones ever done it#thats my feelings on frank/brad/janet. because literally theyre such disasters#and on the frank/brad/rocky thing. im firmly of the opinion that rocky and brad shouldve fucked. but thats because i like gay sex#i also think janet shouldve had yuri with columbia and magenta#just generally i think we shouldve gotten more gay sex#im always an advocate for gay sex#come to think of it. while i was writing this i came up with an excellent crack ship#okay here me out on this one. rocky/eddie#i just think its funny honestly#thats the sole reason. i like it because i like thinking about how much it would piss off frank#and i am a certified eddie liker and i think he deserved better#man this is a long tag rant#as always feel free to disagree with me. i do not mind at all
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i still enjoy the bfb finale on the whole i think but. like. i really do have to admit the final confrontation with four on the sun is pretty stupid HAHFHAHA
#groundbreaking take i know.#'you put us in cages for months!!!!' gelatin i have really bad news about the announcer#the like. sad piano kevin macleod music is NOT HELPING LMAOOO#brifdi#anyway this bfb rewatch has been very fun but im#very excited to be back in tpot world#man im really not doing a good job at being postsplit's lukewarmest defender am i#well i guess my final take is that its not like very good but. i mean. it has its moments. i think#i like flower shes my buddy i am in the sea of votes for her on bfb 29 and id do it again#really my take is less that 'postsplit isnt that bad' and more 'when people continue to act like it killed their dad i think its annoying'#too much hatred in your heart for a thing whose worst crime is being mid.#yes i am aware im a huge hypocrite for saying these things and then getting mad about ii3 every day of my life#idk what to say here to make me look better ii3 is boring in a way that pisses me off and bfb17+ is boring in a way that doesnt#anyway#bri thoughts#<- i guess it can get that tag i talked in tags enough
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