#anyway this system would help me out
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tbh my ideal tumblr feature would be a three strikes system where if someone I follow posts something I'm not chill with (discourse, bad faith takes, unkindness in general, etc) I can press a lil button by their name and it gives them a strike, and after three strikes it unfollows them for me, so that I don't have to keep track of which of my mutuals has suddenly decided to reblog garbage on the regular
#personal#nooo mutual of 12y don't start being transphobic to trans men#I thought this was about solidarity :(#anyway this system would help me out#also someone reblogging discourse once or twice can be a fluke. a slip-up#but three times? nah they can go#I don't need to see this shit#at that point (esp if it's someone I can't directly talk to to try to have a conversation about it) it's not worth it
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yall ever think Shen Yuan went through like, internet withdrawal after being transmigrated into Shen Qingqiu? Like, he's canonically a NEET shut-in who did nothing but spend his time online, you can't tell me that for the first week or first few weeks of being SQQ he wasn't twitchy.
Like, reaching instinctively to his pockets for a phone that wasn't there, having an obsessive itch in the back of his mind that he should check and see if X or Y novel or webcomic has updated -- only to realize he can't anymore and being irritated by it. Wanting to go and see if there's new posts about this or that, but again realizing that he can't.
When he's bored or uncomfortable or just feels like wanting to escape he tries to go for his phone to distract himself, but oops! Not there anymore, and now he has to find a new and different way to distract himself from his feelings. And going through system notifications, quests, etc only does so much.
And there's that Tetris Effect too. SQQ makes a mistake while writing and instinctively goes to backspace on it except hey-ho that's not a keyboard and now he just dipped his pinkie into a bottle of ink or on a still-drying letter.
With him scrambling to fix his reputation and learn how to be a peak lord, I think his abrupt cold-turkey from all things internet would just be another straw on the camel's back that he promptly Ignores until it goes away on its own after he acclimates to his new surroundings.
#svsss#mxtx svsss#scum villain#scum villian self saving system#shen yuan#shen qingqiu#i think him learning how to be a peak lord and cultivation and everything else would help distract him from the internet withdrawal for the#most part. but the moment there's a lull in the day and his mind wanders or he becomes bored or stressed and he instinctively reaches back#for his phone and realizes it isn't there it just sends a spike of panic/frustration/irritation through him because its a familiar comfort#and now its gone. like this is all based off my own experiences from being Chronically Online but i just think its neat to think about#in that same vein i think it also pushes him into getting into the arts on QJP. Like as the peak lord naturally he would be doing this kind#of stuff but hes NOT the peak lord but to keep up appearances he has to know how to do this stuff. and finds it??? actually quite rewarding#even more than getting into an argument online or getting a new merch item. he's making or doing this stuff. he starts drawing and finishes#a piece and regardless of its skill level he feels something unclog in his chest. like sediment being scraped off the bottom of a creek and#being washed downstream. a weight that's been slogging through his veins suddenly untangled. physical proof of his efforts that feels great#starry is incapable of NOT giving her favorite blorbos more hobbies. starry is incapable of not giving her favorites artsy hobbies#this is probably NOT a new or original thought whatsoever but im throwing it out there anyways bc it fascinates me. i love transmigration#and albeit i've only read isekai manhwa/manhua there's a common theme of the people there assimilating into their new lives relatively quic#which i know is for ease of transition and getting to the rest of the story. but WHAT IF.#i have still not read svsss yet and idk when i'll be able to BUT have some thoughts anyways
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The Roombabot Diaries
"Even without full scan function, I still had my dark vision filters and my own mapping data, so with the fixed point of the corridor hatch, I could retrace my steps to the ramp. It just looked awkward and stupid because for the first part I had to navigate like a floor-cleaning bot." - Martha Wells, System Collapse (Video and audio description below the cut)
VIDEO ID:
An animated video of Murderbot, in a full environmental suit (featuring a little 'Perihelion' logo on its chest and an opaque helmet).
Murderbot is wandering around a dark space, the sound of its footsteps on the stone floor are audible. It walks in a straight line to the right until it hits a pillar with an audible 'thunk' noise and stops. A grumpy smiley face appears next to it.
It recalibrates, making little chirping calibrating sounds, then turns and moves towards the viewer until it seems to hit the camera (again with a 'thunk' noise and a little frowny smiley face next to it) and recalibrates again.
It turns its back to the viewer and starts walking again, this time seemingly hitting the wall in the back. It recalibrates again, then turns to the right and starts walking again. After a few seconds it stops briefly, two exclamation marks appear next to it along with a beeping noise, then it quickly walks out of frame.
#listen i know this is not really what happened in this scene but like.#all i could think about when i was reading this was murderbot moving around like a roomba#figuring out the layout of the space by bumping into things and changing its direction with every collision#and the mental image was so funny to me#i don't actually know how to animate i literally downloaded the software a few weeks ago for another silly mb video (which is unfinished)#this is my second attempt with the software and like. it's FUN!! but i also don't know what i'm doing help#also PLEASE i can't draw please don't @ me about the anatomy#i'm trying to tell myself that the environmental suit is just. very weird hjsdfkdjkhdfjh#anyWAYS#the murderbot diaries#murderbot#system collapse#system collapse spoilers#sc spoilers#video#𓄿#also. i really wanted to add the humans following mb in a row like little ducklings and almost crashing into it when it crashes into things#but then i would have had to animate 3 additional sets of walk cycles and it would have gotten to complicated and crowded sdfhjdksf#but. yeah. feel free to imagine they are there
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Andrew Dabb wrote both of these:
Dean: And you told me yourself that you see a way out. You see a light at the end of this ugly-ass tunnel. I don't. But I tell you what I do know – it's that I'm gonna die with a gun in my hand. 'Cause that's what I have waiting for me – that's all I have waiting for me. I want you to get out. I want you to have a life – become a man of Letters, whatever. You, with a wife and kids and – and – and grandkids, living till you're fat and bald and chugging Viagra – that is my perfect ending, and it's the only one that I'm gonna get.
8.14, Trial and Error *
Dean: You, me, Cas, toes in the sand, couple of them little umbrella drinks. Matching Hawaiian shirts, obviously. Some hula girls.
Sam: You talking about retiring? You?
Dean: If I knew the world was safe? Hell, yeah. And you know why? 'Cause we freaking earned it, man.
13.23 Let the Good Times Roll
And yet people wonder why I thought Dean was going to subvert his own outdated grim self-prophecy, when canon showed growth and development on his arc toward hope.
Like.
That 2nd speech happened. It's canon. And Dean grew over the course of the series.
I did not pull that hope out of my ass because I don't "get" SPN.
Dabb and Singer set their trap and I ate the cheese and they sprung the trap. Perhaps the hope was there just to make it hurt worse, to make us feel (because sometimes creatives lose sight of the fact there is more than one way to make people feel) when that grim prophecy got fulfilled instead of being overturned.
Anyway Dean's story isn't over. *raises glass* Here's to the revival. No, I don't expect any retcons. Heaven storyline's not going away. But something more fulfilling than what aired for the series finale, I can go for that.
#Dean Winchester#dot rewatched spn#it's just. so lovely how some people hate Dean fans and hate Dean so much they have to pretend we're insane#that we had no reason to think Dean would get...y'know...a decent ending instead of whatever that was#not just that he died the how the tone and framing the baited trap of false hope that still makes me feral about it in a not fun way#the speech Dabb wrote for Dean in the finale was terrible i've posted meta on why#and i know external factors butchered the finale but Dabb and Singer still kept the major strokes of the plan#haven't changed my mind on these feelings in the 4 years since the series finale aired the revival is the only way through#anyway had to get that out of my system i knew Trial and Error rewatch would do this to me can't be helped#dean meta
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hey sorry i wanna talk some more about no one mourns the wicked.
when glinda's introduced, her first celebratory lines slide into a question:
Isn't it nice to know that good will conquer evil, the truth we all believe'll by and by outlive a lie for you and - [I]?
and in a song full of double meanings, glinda isn't asking that question (only) to the ozians. she's asking it to elphaba, who has always been that other half of "you and i." even though glinda has promised not to reveal the truth, she's still hoping that it will come to light someday for her and elphaba. and it's also a heartbreaking call-forward to defying gravity, because just like that moment where glinda almost gets on the broom, there can't be a "you and i" here--it's cut off by the world they exist in.
#ready for a tag ramble?#it's interesting that by the end of the story glinda and elphaba's values#are the most aligned they've ever been#glinda cares about affecting real change#and elphaba understands you need people and perception in order to do that#by the end the people they've changed into COULD HAVE worked together#i think end-of-story glinda could have gotten on the broom#and i think end-of-story elphaba would have at least reached out for help#but the damage has been done and their personas cemented in the eyes of oz#so that's no longer an option#it's what irks me about fiyero as a love interest#not necessarily as a flaw in the writing but just on a personal level#that i never feel he really understands elphaba's values even as he supports them#and he lacks the same tension between loving his home and being ostracized from it that glinda and elphaba have#(even though he SHOULD have it because he arcs the exact same way as glinda but faster)#(not to mention all the stuff they could have pulled with him being from winkie/the vinkus)#anyway and also i understand that people are coming to this realization genuinely and independently#and that i also had the moment where i saw the double meaning and went OH#but nomtw is not JUST about glinda calling herself wicked#there's also grief#and hope for a better future#and disappointment in the ozians' lack of empathy#and a commentary on how we'd rather label and punish someone wicked#than look at the broader systems that put people into impossible positions#(a commentary that is VERY relevant if the discussion turns solely into#'actually GLINDA was the wicked one and ELPHABA was the good one!')#figured i'd put all this here because i've already ranted like three times#on the villanizing glinda front#so. there it is#wicked
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Everytime I face a new character limit on a website that didn't have them before/used to have really long ones... AUGHHhhh the modern social media world was not made for people like me (lovers of details, rambling, elaboration, thorough explanation, and nuance)
#twitter and other short form shit and everything being a Phone App On Small Screen instead of a Proper#Computer Website i feel like has just ruined the format of literally everything for me. Thoughts just keep getting more and more condensed#with detail and nuance taken away. everything over simplified into only the basics. blah blah blah. I've already probably rambled about thi#all before but it's just SO frustrating. I literally just CAN NOT talk that way!!! even if I try!!! I took multiple advanced placement#english & language arts classes in school and I literally never made below an A on any assignment EVER except for ESSAYS#where I would legit get almost failing grades just because I cannt express myself concisely. I took an english placement test thats made to#like evaluate your competency in a subject and out of the 102 multiple choice questions I only missed TWO of them. almost a perfect#score. But for the 5 open response questions (about articulating thoughts succinctly) I did not get a single one of them lol#I only got partial credit on 3. It's like I OBVIOUSLY understand the material and I know how Words Work and how to analyze and interpret#meaning and etc. etc. But it's just when I have to express myself CLEANLY I can't. It's always ''well you have very good points and you#get around to the idea eventually and I think it's very insightful - but it just needs to be shorter/the side tangent needs to be removed/#etc.'' I've always wondered if it has something to do with being on the schizophrenia spectrum and how that can cause disorganized#speech sometimes hmm..ANYWAY.. But I just naturally express myself in a very particular way which is lengthy and I can't rea#ly seem to control it. So it's basically like just.. being gradually pushed out of every place that won't accomodate people with different#ways of like perceiving and expressing or etc. Everything cannot ALWAYS be 100% 'Short and Snappy and To The Point' or a quippy one#liner or the Bare Minimum of information being provided or etc. Some peoples brains just do not work like that!!!!! Sorry I operate#in detail and elaboration lol. ANYWAY.. I still sometimes use random ''dating sites'' like OKCupid to look for platonic friends since#I never leave the house so it's hard for me to just meet friends naturally. And I just realized today that they added a RIDICULOUSLY small#character limit to their messaging system (2000 words?? augh). And also took away answer explanations (when you answer a compatibility#question you used to have a space to give detail and explain why you answered the way you did) and removed a few other features and it's ju#t like.. how the fuck is any of this actually helpful in terms of judging compatibility? take away ALL nuance and anyting that actually#is meant to tell you anything about a person? Bumble's character limits for your profile description are even more fucking insane and so#is every other disgustingly minimalistic place I've seen like.. OKC used to be superior BECAUSE it allowed for a TON of detail. like back i#2016 or something there was SO much data you could look at. long form question answers. personality trait summaries. etc. Now you have#SOO little to judge off of when evaluating compatibiility it's like. You'd have better luck just throwing a dart in a crowded street and#talking to whoever it hits. Why are people so fucking allergic to reading anything longer than 3 words and providing DETAILS!! It just seem#harder and harder to find any place to meet platonic friends where you have any amount of actual data to go off of and it isnt basically#just random 'speed dating' set up shit. AARGH. &I know 'oh just join a club& meet ppl irl' 1. erm..covid. 2.I mostly want to meet ppl#in places I'd like to move so I already know ppl when I get there. You kind of HAVE to do that online. bc I am not there yet.. WISHING for#Complexity.Com where ppl can upload full 900 page psychological files of themselves. MINIMUM profile character limit 30k words lol
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people not in those fields really have no idea of the kind of exhaustion that comes with jobs in the social sector. which is in no way to say that other jobs aren't as or more exhausting but there is just something to being responsible for handling someone's psychological/medical/personal crises, to being restricted by structural and general circumstances, to being so empathetic to how Shit Sucks, but also needing to protect yourself and your coworkers etc etc etc that brings such a mental static sound kind of psychological exhaustion with it that i cannot put into words. i need to lie face down on the floor for three hours and soak my brain in nacl. any personal or friend crises are put on ice till i have capacity again. good fucking lord
#*mine#mona rambles#main reason i need to get out of this field i will be sooo real#like i've worked a whole bunch of jobs and while again it's not /more/ exhausting than a lot of other jobs#it's such a /specific/ kind of exhaustion just. mannn#so much of it comes from how you're always stuck in that contradiction of what law state employer system allow you and what would Actually-#Help. but it also just really comes from the. I Am Responsible For Calling Shots On Someone Who Is Struggling As Fuck rn#like not to go into the details but everything sucks. you know how it is. lmao#AND THEN YOU GET PAID LIKE SHIT ANYWAY. anyway it's cool it's chill i should have been a trust fund baby /j#but also not joking someone get me out of here. lord
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as I'm going back over my past history and items and journals and years, I come across all sorts of things, like the pencil I saved from that so-precious memory from second grade, and a pair of flip flops I've been missing for two years, and [checks notes] the modern-high-school-AU-kidnapped-by-a-serial-killer story I wrote in late high school jdfsjdfsjkjlksfd
#i can't wait to find out what red flags I didn't see in my own self back when I last read this thing in 2015 hfdhfdhjsfd#also. there's gonna be like a good sentence here and there and then CRINGE. the whole rest of everything is just me still trying to copy th#breathing pace (essentially) and ways-of-describing-things of mainstream authors like I thought I was supposed to#so this'll be somewhat painful but also god what a joy and a gift and an honor and a delight to get to hold this close to my heart#and witness it with understanding and empathy and slow reflection and care like my past younger self deserves#i'm so lucky i'm alive to be here and do this#i'm so grateful i'm headed towards welcoming back and embracing the last little girl i was that still felt a lot of things#so excited for her focus and precision and tenacity and constant curious joy and movement to be back someday#i'm afraid people won't like the me i was before rule after rule and then dangers#but my god it'll feel so good to be the fully-flowing energy machine and dance and conduit again how will I have enough bother to care?#people who are good to each others' nervous systems cumulatively feel better and better#if i'm not good for you and yours then you really truly SHOULD go elsewhere and find someone who makes YOUR self feel right and light + war#anyway now that i wrote an essay in the tags as usual [nervous laughter]#personal#add to journal#words n rhythm#WHY DID I FEEL CAPABLE OF UNDERTAKING A STORY LIKE THIS#cradling my past self gently but also BANGING my HEAD against the WALL lmao#i'm proud of myself for writing and sharing this and its creative ideas. even if i don't like it now or feel ashamed or see mistakes.#anything. it mattered that it came to me and it mattered that i explored it and it mattered that i poured myself through it to help shape i#and it mattered that I left it on the internet so that now it still exists. i'm going to honor this story no matter what current me would#objectively think about it if it was written by anyone else.#this is a gift i give myself now.#this is a lot of what I learn and learn to do#trauma evolution#mosswrites
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i wanted to make a post about a thing but the more i think about it the more i want to say and it's just going to end up being a big ramble essay, so instead i'll just give the thesis statement, thusly:
as the #1 Ratgrinders Apologist (self-appointed), of course they're the final boss fight to the death. i expected nothing less and the people trying to make discourse about it are ignoring the entire context of this being a Dungeons and Dragons game
#they're not playing 'discuss our traumas and and try to help strangers grow: the game'#they're playing 'murder people for getting in our way: the game'#which i know is now me being snubbing about D&D as a game but like. siobhan said it: theyve committed SO much murder#did the lunch lady in episode 2 deserve to be murdered? did the skater dwarves deserved to be murdered?#did the monsters the school sicced on the kids in their Last Stand deserve to be slaughtered like that??#its literally the name of the game!#the two things that are turning this into a bigger essay are 1) me being actually very disappointed in Burrow's End with how the players#just did not want at all to engage with the moral greyness aabria was trying to bring into the story#it was clear that was a direction she wanted to explore and i wanted to see it explored#but even OUT of characters the cast just would NOT engage or acknowledge the validity of that direction#and there was only so much aabria could do without being labeled a killjoy... because D&D often ISN'T a game for reckoning with#the justification of your character's actions! its a game for killing giant bears and saving the town from cultists!!#baked into the foundation of the game conceit is 'you are the hero and you are saving the day ergo your actions are Right and Just'#thing 2) i just listened to that WWW fireside the other day where brennan goes on about how combat does not get in the way#of story in dnd. that whole stove metaphor? and it rankled me so much lol because like aabria finally says after that:#yeah you bring your own food to the stove but when what you've got is a stove. the food you make is GOING to get cooked#combat and fighting and killing is baked into the system from its foundation. acting like D&D or even just d20 (the system)#is a resolution engine that also allows fighting and not a fighting engine that also allows other skills is. wishful thinking i think#and to bring this back to the POINT: of COURSE they're going to kill the rat grinders! because it's fun!#because thats how you resolve conflict in a combat game! straight up i honestly believe a lengthy conversation trying to win the kids over#would have been a weird energy to end the season on! it would have been a let down!#it would have been a huge tonal shift. because the tone you bring to a D&D game is 'killing this is fine actually'#and if you dont like that you /dont/ play D&D. its not a value judgment#i LOVE getting into moral implications and justifications and ive gotta tone it down when i run D&D games because it can kill the vibe#anyway. i said i wasnt going to write the whole essay and im not. but i did write most of the rant oops
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Just take things at your own pace, there’s no need to rush (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Helix#ZEX#Dexter Favin#Mostly spacefillers but I like them <3 Continuation!#Following up on the Dex and ZEX kiss and then Dex runs away scenario lol - one of those rare times that Dex hopes he drops it#He's not dropping it! Time to talk about this! Goes about it too excitedly and overstimulates him poor thing <3#Don't turn his head suddenly! Don't shout! Don't expect him to remember all at once! Goodness me#One step forward two steps back#The middle one lol I was thinking about tools that might help ZEX feel more comfortable engaging with the world around him#I was thinking he'd enjoy an iPad or similar device - though Helix was published before the first iPad came out! :0 Hmm hmm#But anyway - that he'd enjoy a touch screen and getting to use one with his hands :) Either playing tactical games or just looking up facts#Gets one of those 3D solar system model apps and zooms in and out - very distressed when it doesn't go farther than Pluto :(#I've also been thinking about ZEX's ability to read I keep going back and forth on it I can't decide ahhh#He loves humans but would he have studied English specifically?? It's pretty different from VUK ZIX#Does the Captain speak English? Have any of the human languages survived in the same form that we currently speak???#But he's also incredibly intelligent and interested in humans - weeb equivalence of learning Japanese to read untranslated manga lol#I can't deciiiidee urrggghhh#The rest are age comparisons haha#Dexter was probably at least of legal employment age when he started working for the Vyers when Max was 16 if I remember right?#Unless Dex was one of those family-employment situations of like - when rich people have caretakers that are close to their child's age?#Is that still a thing lol hired playmates#And then ''At least 10 years younger'' might be a slightly high estimate lol but ZEX is definitely older than DAX#Odd to be put in such a young body! Oddly feels more out of shape than his VUX body (lol)#With how much he's gone through even without literally being older he's definitely ages years in such a short time#Especially to be younger than his DAX-equivalent that'd have to feel weird#Has difficulty saying ''me'' when referring to the body he's in :(#Just one more oddity of this human experience
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What do you think Mine’s reaction to Masato / Aoki be like?
tbh they'd probably be. amicable. at the very least.
#snap chats#like they have similar values its just that mine's more openly depressed about his belief system and doesn't take pride in it like aoki#i talked about this before omg thats so funny... but yeah no aoki's more proud of 'how the world is'. prob cause he's 'on top' of it#mine begrudges the fact he needs material goods to be useful to people#meanwhile aoki's happy to exploit others if it means he advances. for the most part anyway#he only really starts to show some regret when confronted by ichi. and get the shit kicked out of him for twenty minutes#wait i was rewatching the cutscene and started to throw up cause i got reminded of me in high school again aoki you're 42 stop this#Back On Track Though. mine and aoki had similar pursuits: attain power to be loved thats the core of it in simple terms#they went about it differently ofc: for mine money was power and for aoki popularity was power. Both Very True TBH but anyway#mine realized that even with money his person wasnt valued#and aoki realized that even with recognition people didn't value his character. sins the arakawas. fcukin dummy#i mean aokis a jackass so no wonder but thats not the point of this. fuckfest of tags#they wouldnt be friends. aoki's incapable of friendship and mine would probably quickly recognize aoki as being power hungry#i think mine's been in enough business meetings And Knows Enough About Politics to recognize Professional Fakerism when he sees it#actually do you think mine'd be swindled by any 'kindness' aoki expressed like when kanda left him and he thought he just went to get help.#that shit was wack LMAO BUT REGARDLESS idk i have to go to class soon so im not gonna spend too much time thinking of this#if they needed to they'd just use each other for whatever purpose they needed the other for. idk why mine would need aoki tho#TLDR mine probably wouldnt think too differently of aoki compared to any other power-hungry freak#we can revisit this topic when. im not learning about JP history vjERJALKJ
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“what happened to him?” “he read a book so bad he returned it to the library a third of the way through, but now his brain won’t stop chewing on the potential it had 😔”
#f**rth w*ng isn’t even a case of “this would be so good if it was good”#but it is unfortunately a case of “this would be such epic catnip for me if it was good”#i fear i may have to check it out again and hate-binge it to get it out of my system#ugghhhhhh i’m not even gonna enjoy a single minute of it#but i need to convince my brain there’s nothing there! it was never going to get good! trust me dude it wasn’t!#negativity#i just want to pick it up from the start of the bonding scene and rewrite it completely#without the fuckin. deus ex machina all-powerful mythic rare ancient dragon#and without any intervention from xaden#and just focus on violet and the feathertail#i read the wiki and that kiddo has TIME MAGIC?#yeah fuck off you do not need anyone else’s help#with TIME MAGIC and a bonded human who has even an ounce of competence and brainpower#you do NOT need a fuckin legendary dragon’s help#that could’ve been SO COOL C’MON#you’re really gonna build the whole core of your story around how Violet is not strong but has a sharp mind#and then get her out of her tight spot by introducing a BIG STRONG DRAGON#instead of letting her work with the tiny smart-but-not-strong dragon????? come the fUCK on#ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it could’ve been so cool#ughhhhhhhhhh and then the first flight was the most fuckin lackluster bit of storytelling i’ve ever read#like yeah cool okay i love how she’s having to work with Tairn to keep her seat. that part was fun#but then the fucking handwave of “wow it’s amazing being on a dragon’s back”#you could never be toothless and hiccup#god#anyway#had to get my rant out#it pisses me off when dragon stories are bad XD
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aaghh I hate health anxiety ocd (or whatever you call it), it's literally doing nothing other than contributing to make my health worse
... wait actually, does anyone have like, tips/advice for that kind of thing? I really think I need some help with this one
#i (ai)#ocd#vent cw#I also have like severe decision paralysis + procrastination issues so that's great#like. being so scared that i have to choose for something to eat that is nutritious&healthy AND affordable AND eatable#that i delay my eating by many hours every other day (+ combined with many other reasons like general awful schedule)#is not in fact the amazing health plan my instincts apparently think it is for some baffling reason. fucking hell#I consistently have all sorts of digestive system issues and I'm plenty underweight. tbh my adhd meds prob also dont help with this part#....on that note I have severe anxiety with spending money (which I have very little of) too. lmao. just great#during the lockdown years my contamination ocd spiked very badly and it still hadn't fully recovered now#and it was/is really godawful harmful for my physical and mental health alike. like this was worse before but even now it really screws wit#my hydration habits. also its always my top consideration/anxiety to think about 'god would the toilet hygiene be bad'#whenever theres any option for me to go anywhere. so I avoided nearly every possible activity/event/social event I could avoid#that require leaving home for half a day or more. and I freak out badly whenever anyone comes to our home to visit for fear of contaminatio#some family friends used to send kids over to our place for dinner montly-ish & that was always my worst anxiety source for the month#I always dreaded the night terribly and it was awful experience. urgh.#gdi I wish I had less types of ocds like why am I cursed with so many annoying things at once lmao#...anyway ugh. i hate how my parents is about me getting sick/ill/any sort of pains etc. always jump to blame me at once#now I don't even want to tell them about it but I have to and they'll often force me to do chores as usual and/or never stop talking about#how it's so totally my fault for having awful schedules and bad habits etc that I'm sick & that I'm making excuses or whatever the fuck#that i'm an adult its my responsibility etc etc#anyway sorry and thank you if you've read this far lmao
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what do you do when the girl you spent the better part of the last decade in love with calls you up to tell you they dumped their girlfriend and quit their job and would you like to go spend a couple weeks on a beach in greece with them because they miss you and love you (not like that) . and you miss them and love them (not like that. anymore) and you’re probably not getting into grad school anyway and even if you did you can’t keep moving countries to start over because that doesn’t fix things and you could use the money you have saved that you were gonna put towards tuition to buy a plane ticket and sublet a beach villa instead. because you miss them and you love them and you’re tired of missing them and loving them has always felt good and you never feel good anymore and whatever maybe you can just have a lovely few weeks in fuckin greece and just. that’s enough you don’t have to try more than that they go back home and you stay on a beach in greece for as long as anyone else will remember . hypothetically. you should do that, right
#this is rhetorical look away!!!!#it’s an either/or : this or trying to go to grad school#but the thing is#at some point i convinced myself that a change of place and building a new life would make me happier than rotting in my parents house#in my hometown where i feel like im in a timeloop sometimes#but it wouldn’t? i Love my friends but. i am sad here and i was sad in scotland and i was sad in cambridge and. i will be sad wherever i go#it’s not a fixable thing#being around beth is a bandaid on it#so maybe i should slap the bandaid on buy a plane ticket and then. whatever i will be sad After or#i know i sound insane but the thing about being obsessive is that when one person physically has your back when you are 20 years old#it makes sense that they feel like the only thing that will help fix it#sorry this sounds strung out i have like three different things in my system that i will sleep off and be fine im not having a meltdown#this just feels like a Decision To Be Made and i thought typing it out would help give me some clarity or whatever#made a list but i wrote ‘washed your hair when you couldnt do it’ and i’ll be so honest that’s all the convincing i need to do#anything they ask of me ever#idk where my bank card is so no financial decisions tonight anyway#if u have read all of that. apologies and goodnight x#n
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pov: u sometimes get drastic personality changes so you question did but then you can almost always remember things that happened before but they kinda slip ur mind so you dont know and dont wanna self diagnose on smth so serious but it gets to the point where you give the voices in ur head names bc they feel like different people
#anyway#fuck jasper#we hate jasper#no hate to anyone called jasper#except the jasper in my head#all the hate to jasper in my head#questioning system#if any systems could tell me if im jst crazy or smth pls lmk bc i would like some closure#but im not in the position to reach out for professional help :/#vent ish#feel like im going insane#literally
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Thinks about how Anti-Mabel was kicked out of her dimension for being 'so evil'. Thinks about how desperate she was to take over the life of the original Mabel. Thinks about how there's a Dipper out there who was created as a means of replacing the original and just thinks Mabel is the coolest ever, and would probably adore and support any version of his sister, even the most evil version of her.
Thinks about how they're both. Like. Thirteen-year-old kids. Sure, one's apparently the most evil Mabel in existence and the other's just hated for his cool guy swag, but they're kids. Do you think either of them thinks about their twin in passing, and realizes how much they miss them and will probably never see them again? Or if they do, they won't be the specific version of themselves that the twin actually cares about?
Is anyone listening to me??
#Hayley Speaks#I think the two of them teaming up might help to mellow both of them out to SOME degree#I don't care what the wiki says; Anti-Mabel would NOT be unlovable to a version of her twin who exists to support her#Also this is obviously in a universe where Dippy Fresh doesn't get his neck snapped#Because as funny as that is; what did he do that was so wrong? Support Mabel? Don't we all wanna do that? Leave my boy alone#Anyway#Now would Dippy being there and supporting Anti-Mabel make her want to just be eviler? Potentially#But also like#I think her 'every time you're selfish you're just like me!' thing works in reverse#Where she has the potential to change and care about others like the actual Mabel#The evil is still there sure; but you know#Maybe a proper support system might mellow her out a little bit#She can downgrade to doing small petty crimes with her radical brother
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