#dean meta

[thefableddestiel]

“Something always goes wrong”

“Yeah, why does that something always seem to be you?”

This but it means like, Dean could’ve ignored his sexuality if it wasn’t for Cas. Dean could’ve stayed in hell like he deserved if Cas hadn’t pulled him out. Dean wouldn’t have had to experience losing the love of his life time and time again if Cas just hadn’t come along.

[insanesonofabitch]

I’m not sure if someone else already made a post about this, but I was rewatching Tombstone and something just hit me. Dean wanted to stay alone with Cas a little bit longer in that cowboy hotel room. Sam takes Jack with him and pairs Dean up with Cas, after noticing how happy Dean was to get Cas back (which he even made a comment on earlier in the episode, we love a supportive brother). Dean agrees with this change of plan. Sam and Jack immediately gets up to leave and head for the graveyard. But when Cas is about to get up too and get ready, Dean does this:

And this is the same fucking goddamn episode where Dean makes Cas wear a fucking cowboy hat. And then gets offended when Cas didn’t immediately recognize his Tombstone reference. “I made you watch it,” not “we.” The same way “where Dean spread your ashes” is NOT “we.” And Dean has probably already seen ALL of those movies, probably a shit ton of times. He just wanted Cas to see them too. With him. Like a movie date night. And then Cas imitates a phrase from the movie, “I’m your huckleberry.” And then Dean, after averting his eyes and closing them and gulping down, says “Yeah, exactly.” immediately followed by “…it’s good to have you back, Cas.”

AND NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT DEAN TOOK A PHOTO OF CAS OFF SCREEN???????? AND THEN PRINTED IT OUT??????????

[deanwasalwaysbi]

Dean's nothing about our lives is real speech? When he says "everything we are is because of chuck"? He was speaking privately & directly to Castiel when he said that.

Not to Sam. Not everything I am. Everything we are. Dean was having a full on crisis.

"You asked, 'What about all of this is real?' We are." Dean didn't know how right Cas was.

Like no baybee. It'll take 15 episodes, but god himself will tell you Cas defied him and his plan to love you, actually.

[princessmadelines]

DEAN WINCHESTER : HOW TO BECOME THE 21ST CENTURY MARLBORO MAN

Do you want to be become The Man? Do you dream of being the perfect Action Hero? That's easy enough, kid! All you need is your Father's leather jacket, his vintage muscle car, and his cassette collection. And if that isn't enough, look no further than 80s action movies. Save the day, get the girl... yes, it's that easy! Just follow the script, and you'll be the perfect Red-blooded American Man.

or a study of dean's performance of masculinity

[dotthings]

"Since when do you read" isn't spn authorial voice saying Dean is stupid and can't read. That's a clear instance of Sam either purposefully trolling Dean, or Sam's own set misconceptions about Dean, and so he's surprised Dean reads Huffington Post...because Sam has an idea about Dean in his head and when he comes up against proof he's wrong, he seems surprised, no matter how many times it happens. I think this was purposeful, and something that happened across showrunners. Sam and Dean's brotherhood isn't a perfect relationship. They bicker, they argue, they sometimes fight bitterly, they see the world in different ways, they don't always get each other, or they have their perceptions of each other. But Sam does seem particularly stuck in his idea that Dean doesn't read much.

Maybe the facade Dean constructed for himself when they were kids got lodged in Sam's brain, but with all the time they spend together as adults, with Dean repeatedly showing he's not what Sam perceives, the fact that Sam can't seem to let go of that perception is interesting.

[t00muchheart]

season 4 dean and cas are so 🤌 🤌

just… cas saw dean stripped bare of his defenses and at his lowest and touched his soul to raise him, his voice ringing out that dean winchester had been saved, and at the same moment, cas was lost to the angels because his path had changed course.

and as a result, cas knows more ABOUT dean than almost anyone at this point, he has seen past all the lies and masks dean uses to the truth of him, BUT he doesn’t KNOW him, really, because he lacks a fundamental understanding of how people work and what drives them. and it just becomes the two of them tearing down each others’ perceptions of the world, dean showing cas what it really means to have humanity and how significant emotions are while cas teaches dean that he’s worth the effort that went into saving him

[freakwiththeknifecollection]

Jo is a Dean mirror, but not in the way people think like their stories being the same, but in a literal sense of the word like bizarro world. Dean lost his mom and was raised (I use that term extremely loosely) by his dad, Jo lost her dad and was raised by her mom. Dean never got to be a kid and was forced to grow up too fast, Jo was always treated like a kid and never allowed to grow up. John brought Dean into hunting, while Ellen kept Jo out of it. Dean was in the hunting life and only wanted a normal life, Jo had a normal life and only wanted to hunt. Etc. They're both twisted but in different directions

[calibrationneeded]

Tdlr: me projecting onto Dean probably lmao

It’s hard to articulate, which I think is ironic once you read this post, but I think that Dean isn’t emotionally stunted or unaware of his own thoughts and feelings but the exact opposite.

Dean has spent a absurd amount of time by himself driving in his car or just during the Stanford era, that in itself makes it pretty hard to not be familiar through your own thoughts and feelings. being someone who spent a lot of time alone in my adolescence I am very familiar with myself on an internal level and I think Dean is probably the same way, not to mention the fact that he has demonstrated a very large amount of emotional intelligence towards characters, especially in the early seasons when he’s empathizing with children. 

What i think Dean struggles with is the ability to articulate the way he’s feeling because of the depth in which he understands his own internal workings. How do you condense a whole series of novels to a word and still keep the level of impact? How do you condense everything you are down into a bite sizable introduction to give to a person so that they don’t horribly misunderstand who you are? It’s easier just pretend to be what people think you are so you don’t have to risk being misunderstood or becoming so vulnerably raw with people.

The same thing goes for things like identity and sexuality in this context because I think to some degree Dean is aware that he is not straight, I don’t think that it is a thought in the forefront of his mind, because often times when you have a moment of realization that you are something that is going to complicate your life and possibly cause you to lose relationships and make people look at you differently, sometimes it’s easier to just put it on the back burner and pretend it doesn’t exist. There’s a special kind of denial that I myself have also experienced where if you just ignore something with enough intensity, you can convince everyone of something, including yourself to some extent. 

That’s part of the beauty about his friendship and relationship in general with Cas. Cas see through all of the bullshit and because he rebuilt Dean he has a better chance of understanding the million layers of fucked up performance he puts in

[im-some-lionheart]

have we talked yet about how 90% of what makes dean so fucking brain-rot inducing isn't even in who he is written to be, as a character, but rather in how this character was so powerful he literally possessed jensen ross ackles into doing a series of subtle jacting joices that gave dean a depth no CW network character should ever dream of having.

Dean's appeal isn't in jackles beautiful face or in the stories the writers gave him.

it's in the way his eyes are out of focus and he shakes his head when he says "and when dad got home... ". it's in the wink and the little smile he gives Cas when he says "I got laid". it's in how flustered he gets when aaron hits on him. it's in the way his shoulders tense the second John comes into frame after being all soft with Mary at the door. It's in his decision to pick up the trenchcoat from the floating water.

there's so much power in these little things Dean just does subconsciously. Dean is the only character I've ever seen who just is and as much of a wonderful actor as jensen is, I don't even think he is aware of it most of the time. and that's why it's so beautiful.

Dean just is. And Jensen just does the things Dean would do. But I just know he wasn't planning and practicing Dean's pose change when he saw John. He just did it. Because that's what Dean would do, subconsciously. But the key is in the fact that it's not intentional. It's not like he sat down with the writers and director of the episode to decide what was the best pose change for Dean in this moment. It's not planned or strategized like that. If it were, Dean would have been just another character. But he isn't. In several ways he feels real. Because Jensen isn't acting, he's just letting Dean live through him. And every thing he does adds another layer of meaning to his trauma and who he is.

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

Thinking about Dean's motif of corruption. "The very touch of you corrupts". Heaven, and Dean himself, see this corruption as rot. Hellfire. Moral decay, and, inevitably, destruction.

However, "corruption" can have other meanings, especially when defined by spn's (or most modern versions of) Heaven. "The very touch of you corrupts" when Cas first touched Dean, something took root. Dean's love, his protectiveness, the rugged life he was more or less forced into, his stubborn insistence, against all odds and in all circumstances, to prioritize family, food, hearth, a safe place to sleep and a planet that won't fall apart on him. Those roots spread- but not in any evil sense.

Tree roots.

Strong and unrelenting and vibrantly green, fed on tears, soil, blood, ash and salt, and on red meat and love. Wriggling through the cracks in Cas' celestial being, curling around the divine light and leaving rich earth behind it. Is it corruption? Is it decay? Yes. But nothing, angel or demon or antichrist or anything else, that Dean touches can help but become a creature of Earth. Most humans don't notice, humans are already Earthly beings, and most monsters are as well. Angels though?

Heaven and Hell are two sides of the same coin. The opposite of both is Earth- Earth with no care given to an afterlife, kindness and love existing for its own sake, no hypotheticals. Dirt, rot, messiness, food, hunger, tiredness, laughter, love.

and that scares the SHIT out of Heaven

they've seen angels fall, either living as humans or truly Falling, their grace charred and covered by hellfire

they've never seen one turn into a physical being before. even an angel reborn as a human is still an angel. Cas isn't becoming human. He's still an angel, but-

if the other angels can see the roots piercing through his true form, churning through grace like a sapling in new soil

what other word would they have but "corruption"?

(obligatory SAM IS NOT EXCEMPT FROM THIS. HE'S ALSO WEIRD THIS WAY follow-up bc yall will just hate Sam for no reason istg)

[emeraldsummers]

Smoker!Dean headcanons (aka if Dean was a smoker throughout the series)

As a teenager, Dean would smoke whenever he could get his hands on a cigarette, but it was pretty rare. Money was too tight to buy them, and it wasn't worth the risk of stealing them, but occasionally, Dean was able to trade for loose cigarettes. He loved the head rush and loved feeling like an adult.

Pre-series, Dean didn't start smoking in earnest until he started doing hunts without his father. John didn't like the smoking, so Dean hid it from him. Still, money was tight, so Dean only smoked a few cigarettes a day at most. His favourite thing in the world was being whiskey buzzed and sharing a cigarette with a girl.

Dean never, ever smoked inside the Impala.

Seasons 1-2 Dean is still smoking a few cigarettes per day, properly addicted at this point, and irritable when he isn't able to get a smoke break. Sam is constantly bugging him to quit, and Dean pretends he could quit any time he wants to. Sam gets non-smoking motel rooms whenever he can, which annoys the hell out of Dean.

Season 3, with the demon deal looming, Dean starts smoking more now, and by the end of the season, he is fully chain smoking regularly. Sam finds it gross but generally allows it to slide because he knows Dean needs it.

Season 4, Dean comes back from Hell with zero physical dependence on nicotine and decides to treat it like a fresh start. He doesn't smoke. He uses his experience with smoking to try (and fail) to empathize with Sam's blood addiction.

Season 5, Dean starts smoking when he's drunk, which turns into smoking when he's stressed, which by the end of the season, when he almost says "yes" to Michael, turns into him smoking all of the time again.

When he lives with Lisa and Ben, he tries to quit for their sake, but he still sneaks a cigarette outside on really bad nights. Lisa pretends not to notice.

Season 6, the smoking continues, but not as heavy as season 5. Sam is actively annoyed about it at this point, and Dean has long stopped finding smoking to be fun.

Season 7, as Dean spirals downwards after Cas' betrayal, he smokes much more heavily. It's starting to affect him physically, especially without Cas to heal him. He starts saying things like, "I'm getting too old for this." Since he isn't able to drive the Impala for most of the season, he smokes in the cars they steal, which really bothers Sam.

In Purgatory, Dean has no choice but to quit cold turkey, which is miserable, and once he's home, he continues that streak into seasons 8 and 9, his longest smoke-free period.

Unfortunately, demon!Dean picks up smoking again, and even when he's cured, smoking becomes one of his coping mechanisms for quelling the Mark.

Seasons 11 and 12, he struggles with trying to quit, going anywhere from days to months at a time without smoking before falling back into it. When Cas dies at the end of season 12, he begins chainsmoking again along with regularly getting black-out drunk, and Sam really worries for his brother's health.

After Cas returns in season 13, Dean begins working to quit again in earnest, creating a system with Sam, Cas, and Jack's help. This time, it sticks through the end of the series, but Dean does heavily consider starting up again as he spirals towards the end of season 15.

Post-series Dean is trying to maintain being smoke-free, especially since Cas is gone and Jack is hands-off. He knows any damage he does will be permanent this time, and he doesn't particularly feel like dying of cancer. But it turns out the boredom of the world not ending is worse for his cravings than the stress was. He starts smoking weed, trying to convince himself it's a proper substitute, but eventually, he just smokes weed because he likes it.

[sweetpapercroissant]

“dean winchester is a misogynist because he lies to women to get them to sleep with him and therefore clearly doesn’t respect them”

then you actually watch the show and every time dean sleeps with a woman he’s soft and there’s a gentleness even in his passion and he always makes sure his partner’s satisfied/comfortable and he does form genuine connections with the women he sleeps with even if he lies about his name and job (which is completely understandable and actually the sane thing to do considering most of america knows him as a serial killer and there’s not a lot of people around who’d bother talking to a guy who claims he hunts monsters for a living) (or for fun ig since there’s not a lot of ‘living’ in this profession) and he spends time getting to know them and offers the little bits of himself that he can and most of the time that dean has sex with a woman he sleeps over and they see him off in the morning with a goodbye kiss and genuine affection for him and if they ever run into him again they’re clearly fond and look back on their shared memories with satisfaction if nothing else and. this is the guy who doesn’t respect women? how? by believing they are adults who can want and enjoy a night of sex with no strings attached (something he’s always straightforward about btw)?? and more importantly it’s always consensual and they like him as a person and they’re clearly both enthusiastic about it (in fact there’s actually instances where dean isn’t completely enthusiastic but never the other way around).

also any time he’s been in a serious relationship where he was going to be a part of the other person’s life he tells them the whole truth, about hunting and monsters and his role in it and what being with him would entail. so i’d say he respects women just fine but maybe you need to seriously evaluate why you feel having casual sex with women is inherently disrespectful of them.

not to mention that the sex does mean something to him. even if he didn’t it wouldn’t be “wrong” or “misogynistic” to want to have sex with a woman without a relationship BUT. the sex does mean something to him. because he craves intimacy and human contact and affection and being liked and wanted and so often when he’s going through something he’ll open up to these women (jaime, anna) and they’re willing to listen to him without judgment and they’re gentle with him, with his grief, his trauma and the sex is a way for him to connect on a deeper level with them and it helps him and he’s spent almost his entire life isolated from society and can’t form long lasting relationships for much of his childhood and youth but he actually cares about them as human beings and he feels affection for them and it fulfills his desire for tenderness that he can’t expect from anyone else. and there’s nothing wrong with any of that.

[insanesonofabitch]

“And when you finally turn…”

“…and you will turn. Everyone you know, everyone you love, they could be long dead.”

“Everyone except me.”

S10EP22 “The Prisoner”

This line makes me so insane not only because of the idea of it happening, but precisely because it’s not happening. He’s wrong and Dean knows he’s wrong. Because Cain already told him his destiny:

“Have you ever mused upon the fact that you’re living my life in reverse?” “…and then you’d kill the Angel Castiel now THAT ONE. That, I suspect, would hurt something awful.”

He’s living Cain’s life in reverse. And he’d kill Cas, like Cain killed Colette. Not only was Cas (supposedly) not going to live, he’s going to die by Dean’s hands and Dean knew this. As he grabs Cas by the tie and points the blade towards him, Dean knew this. As Cas holds on to his arm and asks him to stop the same way he was told Colette asked Cain, Dean knew this. And he tries to deny it and he tries to ignore it but his guilt reminds him even in his dreams.

“Looks like you’ve got an admirer.”

“You sure it ain’t you?”

S10E23 “Brother’s Keeper” (deleted scene)

Cas was supposed to die just like that and Chuck would’ve probably skimmed over it like it was nothing so he could focus on his favorite part of the story, the brothers. And he couldn’t achieve it this time but ultimately, it’s what happens at the end of the story.

[mrcowboydeanwinchester]

sometimes you watch late seasons supernatural and you're like yeah okay the colours are bright and i feel no fear and the only person trying is jensen ackles. other times you watch late seasons supernatural and you are vibrating in your fucking seat because dean winchester says something as insane as i'm furious. to know that all my life, i've been nothing but a hamster in a wheel, stuck in a story. and it ain't just me. we're all trapped. sam and cas and jack and even you. and he's saying it to god's sister as she's paying the bill in a shitty restaurant

[dotthings]

Okay, strap in, I'm going deep dive on Dean and Cas during their S15 breakup and going to address some things about The Trap. (It's long, there's a lot to unpack).

Castiel: What he did wasn't bad. It was the absence of good. And I saw that in him. But we were a family, and I didn't want to lose that, so I thought I could fix it on my own. Felt like it was my responsibility. So I left. And I didn't tell you. If I could go back and just -- just talk to him right then and there, I would. But I can't, Dean. I failed you. And I failed Jack. And I failed --

(14.18, Absence)

What Cas was about to say it seems, when Dean cut him off, was that he failed Mary, along with Dean, and Jack.

Cas is fully acknowledging his culpability and his failures.

His clinging to the idea he had to fix it on his own is similar to his S6 mindsets, but with way less hubris. This isn't about his hubris, but it's a holdover of Cas's stubbornness.

It's not true there was no growth. There's no arrogance in Cas now. That doesn't mean he's over all his neurosis. That's not how this works. But it's not the same as the past.

Why is Cas expected to be over everything and never backslide from some people, while Dean gets sympathy and understanding when he does? Neither of them cleanly break from their traumas and old patterns, they do grow, they do move forward, it's not repeating the same.

It's also patently untrue that Cas never owns up to his mistakes, never apologizes, never suffers consequences. Cas has owned up to his mistakes. Even sometimes pulls penance down on himself on purpose.

He doesn't just play at being sorry.

Dean's subjective pov from years ago (from late S7), at a point where Dean was understandably and rightfully hurt, frustrated, angry, but also scared for Cas, so he lashes out, terrified because Cas was suffering from PTSD, unable to fight, and he isn't the Cas he knows. He knows something's wrong. So Dean threw a board game onto the floor. It was all completely understandable to me and I felt for Dean. But it's interesting how this gets weaponized against Cas so people can claim Cas isn't actually sorry he just plays at being sorry, as if this is exposing some deep objective Truth, just like people take Dean's words in The Rupture that Cas is always the screw up as some deep objective Truth. When Dean is speaking from hurt, anger, fear.

Cas repeatedly apologizes to Dean in early S15.

He is not huffy because Dean didn't insta-forgive him.

The moment that broke Cas, where he decided to leave, was when he perceived Dean's walls against him to be so high and so rigid, Cas lost hope that anything would get better, that he could ever be forgiven. He really thought it was all over.

Remember that Dean already said, if Mary's dead, "you're dead to me" Remember Dean just said to Cas, "why does that something always seem to be you" about things going wrong, saying Cas is always the screw up.

Cas did not leave because Dean was mad at him.

Cas endured Dean being mad at him for how many episodes, late S14 through early S15, he didn't tell Dean he had no right to be, he didn't run away from it, he endured, and he repeatedly apologized.

Why did Cas leave, why did he leave, not because he saw Dean was angry. But because he lost hope.

Cas wasn't wrong to put some space, that's right for Dean as well as Cas, at that point, but he was wrong in his perceptions, and Cas's perceptions are heavily driven by his insecurities.

The same reasons that partly drove why he latched onto Jack so hard--loneliness, a need to feel useful, a need to feel needed.

While he's away Cas realizes he was wrong to give up. He gets a tiny sign that Dean still cares, and he comes back to try to fix it instead of running away.

It's not true there is no growth.

Cas goes back, things are tense but they are able to work together for a greater good and greater emergency.

And Cas volunteers to stand at Dean's side and return with Dean to Purgatory, where the leviathans who very specifically and personally hate Cas's guts and they all want him destroyed exist.

Don't tell me!!! Cas doesn't care about Dean!!!!!!

Dean wants to split up. He's still mad at Cas, he's allowed. But Cas rightfully points out that's more dangerous than staying together.

Don't tell me there's no growth!!!

In their first trip to Purgatory, Cas ran from Dean, to try to protect Dean. Despite Dean regarding it as abandonment, before Dean knew why Cas ignored his prayers every night, he still ransacked Purgatory, torturing monsters, looking for Cas. Refused to leave Purgatory without Cas. Even though he was angry and hurt.

When he finds Cas and Cas tells him the reason he hid from Dean--trying to draw the leviathans, to keep them away from Dean to protect Dean, Dean is absolutely gobsmacked.

This time, Cas knows it's better if they stay together. That he can protect Dean better if they stay together.

They have this conversation in Purgatory:

CAS: Well, this place will bring that out in you. Guilt. It was my fault the Leviathan got out. It was my fault we were here the first time. I carry that guilt every day. DEAN: I know you're sorry, Cas. About Bel, about Mom. CAS: I was talking about Jack. I already apologized to you. You just refused to hear it.

Let's unpack what is being said here. Cas comments on how Purgatory is a place that brings out feelings of guilt. He then acknowledges his culpability for S6, the leviathans, and that it was his fault he and Dean wound up thrown there at the end of S7. Dean says he already knows Cas is sorry about the screw up concerning Cas impulsively burning up Bel, and about what happened to Mary. Cas says he was thinking of his feelings of guilt about Jack, that he already apologized to Dean for the other things. And accuses Dean of not listening to him. Which isn't really true, but as far as Cas knows it's true because he has no way of knowing Dean really heard him, because Dean was putting up walls of iron.

DEAN: Sorry I brought it up. Maybe if you didn't just up and leave us. CAS: You didn't give me a choice. You couldn't forgive me. And you couldn't move on. You were too angry. I left, but you didn't stop me.

Getting down to the real roots of it now, Dean lets out a little confession. He's hurt about Cas leaving.

After Dean said "you're dead to me," after Dean said Cas is always the problem. Dean's mad at Cas, he's also mad at Cas for leaving. Get out--no wait, where are you going why are you leaving me.

Again, Dean is understandably hurt and he is really going through it with the inner conflict. He has rights to all his feelings. Pushing Cas away and wanting/needing him to stay at the same time, I can understand how Dean would be so conflicted.

There's nothing from either of them I don't understand, or that isn't understandable or sympathetic.

And Cas points that out, that Dean was putting up such high walls, Cas didn't know what else to do except leave. Is Cas being completely fair in how he words it? No. He's not immune to subjectivity and speaking from a place of hurt and frustration and fear of being rejected and making assumptions.

But he's not mad at Dean for being angry and this isn't canon saying Dean is wrong to be angry. "You couldn't move on" "you were too angry"--This was not a reprimand on Dean being angry. This was Cas explaining why he left. Cas left (as Cas explains) because a) it seemed self evident to Cas that Dean was never going to forgive him b) it seemed self evident to Cas that Dean was so angry at Cas there was no hope to fix it and that Dean no longer wanted him there.

It seems like a really bad faith reading to me to accuse Cas here of lecturing Dean on his anger, when what is actually happening is Cas is explaining why he left, because he can see Dean is hurt that Cas left.

And why is it from some people Dean is allowed his insecurities, his anger, his fears, but Cas has to be absolutely perfect and has to speak perfectly and without any subjectiveness, projections, or misunderstandings, at all times?

Cas feels deeply, as Dean does. He has feelings. He's a fully fleshed out character, as Dean is. A complicated character, and like Dean, with his own buzzing nest of trauma and insecurities in his brain.

"I left but you didn't stop me" finally Cas really getting to the heart of the thing. The actual root thing bothering him. Not that Dean was angry. It's that Dean let him leave without saying anything to try to stop him.

While Dean is hurt and feeling abandoned because Cas left.

This isn't about anger shaming Dean at all.

Cas isn't angry at Dean for being angry.

It is as simple in fact as Cas's fear of being unwanted, and wanting Dean to ask him to stay, and Dean's fear of being abandoned, and wanting Cas not to leave.

And then there's Dean's desperate prayer to Cas, which is another highly misunderstood scene, which gets taken as Dean "groveling" begging for Cas's forgiveness when it's entirely about Dean's own need to give forgiveness to Cas. Maybe, somewhat, saying what Cas needs to hear so Cas will stay, but it is most of all about what Dean needed to say, the same as Cas's happiness was saying what he did to Dean in 15.18. Just getting to say it. And having it be heard, is enough.

Because beneath all that absolutely justifiable anger and hurt, Dean doesn't want to lose Cas, he never actually meant for Cas to leave, didn't actually deep down want Cas to leave, and he doesn't want to lose Cas forever to Purgatory.

And Dean has a lot of fears about his anger. That he's nothing but anger, that he's only good for killing monster. This is Dean, who thinks he's "poison," who thinks people he loves are better off away from him. That isn't authorial voice. That is Dean's own fears. He can't see his own love, his own big heart. He can't see his own kindness and empathy and how deeply he loves and feels and his own goodness.

But Cas can. Cas never doubted that Dean was good or that Dean is the most caring loving human ever, what Cas doubted was about Dean still caring about him.

And then he realized he was wrong. Before Purgatory II, before hearing Dean's prayer even, he already figured out he was wrong in his assumptions on how Dean felt about him, but Dean still needed to say it, and I think Cas did need to hear it even if he already knew.

How people think Dean's anger is a late seasons invention utterly baffles me. But it's not that Dean being angry is wrong, it's that how people express their anger has ripple effects. Because that's true of everyone!!!!!!! If this reads to people as "anger shaming" then they are endorsing the idea that people should just let their anger eat them alive and destroy everything, burn it all down, no matter how much harm it does for the person who is angry.

What Dean is scared of is that his anger, the way it expressed, the hard walls he put up, the words he said, going against what was actually deep in his heart, chased Cas away when he didn't mean for that to happen.

Dean could have yelled at Cas and giving him the cold shoulder in the bunker and Cas would have endured it, if Cas hadn't gotten the impression Dean absolutely no longer wanted him around.

Is Cas completely blameless? Of course not. He made his mistakes. And he could have been more perceptive about Dean and not let his own insecurities dominate how he views things but given how driven by insecurities Dean's pov on Cas is, how is it people want to turn Cas into the monster, and only comprehend Dean, when Cas is a mirror to Dean?

Some truly can't let go of the idea that Cas into an unfeeling monster who doesn't really love Dean, that Cas is selfish and manipulative and abusive and that he doesn't care about Dean.

I want to go out into the woods and scream.

[t00muchheart]

John in 1x20 apologizing to Sam for stopping being a Dad at some point and becoming a drill sergeant, letting the mission become everything, and then immediately getting sucked back into that mission and not understanding why Sam didn’t kill him to get to Azazel in 1x22, framing it as I thought you of all people would understand, because when Sam told him that they were alike, that they understood each other, he accepted that Sam was all in, at any cost

VERSUS Dean seeing that Sam is in at all costs and reminding him that his life has worth too, telling him that just because they couldn’t get back the people they lost didn’t mean they needed to lose more people. When John tells Sam to kill him the scene is framed as Sam being ready to do it until Dean’s appeal convinces him not to, and Sam looking back at Dean before telling John that family is more important emphasizes that it is Dean holding things together, like he has since he was a child.

Because when John stopped being a dad and became a drill sergeant, Dean stopped being just a brother and became a dad.