#anyway the point… the POINT… is that any attempt at discussion with this often feels doomed to fail. I am trying to make peace with that.

[bosbas]

Chapter 4: uh oh, I'm fallin' in love

series masterlist previous part || next part

pairing: anthony bridgerton x fem!daphne's best friend!reader WC: 2.3k words

Warnings: period-typical gender roles, idiots in love, anthony being a big softie, mostly fluff, i still ship y/n and daphne tbh

Summary: At her wit's end after Anthony's multiple attempts to scare away her suitors, Daphne employs her best friend's help to keep her brother distracted while she tries to find a husband. It's a foolproof plan, except it ends up working a little too well. (or, a Bridgerton version of The Taming of the Shrew/10 things I hate about you)

June 16, 1812 - ��How’s Mr Norwood?” you asked Daphne, sitting on the couch next to her in the Bridgertons’ tea room, her legs on your lap as the rain steadily poured outside.

Your best friend and her hopefully-husband-to-be had been looking particularly cozy as of late, and you knew that you had played no small part in making that happen. Unfortunately, Daphne’s happiness was often overshadowed by the small pang of guilt you felt every time you had a particularly lovely afternoon with her oldest brother.

“Oh, he’s lovely. I do think he’ll propose in the next few weeks,” she said excitedly, her legs dancing excitedly on your lap.

You squealed in response, absolutely elated at the prospect of seeing your best friend in a wedding gown before the end of the season. It’s practically all she’d dreamed about, and you couldn’t believe the time was so close.

“Where will you live? After you marry, I mean,” you asked, twirling a lock of your hair around your index finger. “If I have to travel to another country to see you, I’ll riot.”

Daphne paused, unsure. “We haven’t particularly discussed it. I think his family has a home a few hours away, but surely his older brother will inherit that…”

You sat up straight, realizing this was a sensitive subject. “That’s quite alright, I’m sure your dowry will be more than enough for a simple estate somewhere nearby,” you reassured, patting her legs comfortingly.

If they were truly in love, it wouldn’t matter how small or large their home was. But Daphne only hummed in response, looking out distractedly at the raindrops hitting the window.

Deciding not to press your best friend and potentially cause her more distress, you changed the subject.

Playing with the hem of Daphne’s dress, you said nonchalantly, “I suppose I’ll end things with Anthony right before Phillip proposes. There’s no real point in continuing the façade if Phillip has to ask Anthony for your hand anyway, so it’s not like we can keep going longer than that.”

Daphne narrowed her eyes at you, smiling slightly. “Really? I thought you two were having a lovely time during your courtship.”

You paused, your hand going still for a moment. “Well, of course. We get along quite well. But it’s not real, Daphne. I don’t really have feelings for him and he doesn’t really have any intention of marrying me.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure!” you laughed at the absurdity of your best friend’s suggestion, sounding a bit panicked. “I couldn’t truly be interested in him!”

Just then, you heard the front door open and heavy footsteps coming down the hallway.

Recognizing her brother’s footfalls, Daphne called out, “Anthony, I didn’t know you’d gone out riding. It’s absolutely pouring outside!”

“I can’t believe it actually rained,” he groaned, his voice carrying across the hall. “I thought Colin just said that to be a nuisance.”

He peeked his head into the tea room, looking completely disheveled from what you could only assume was a hectic horse ride. His hair was soaking and stuck to his forehead, his sleeves were dripping water onto the carpet, and he was shivering slightly from the cold. And yet, you thought to yourself, he still looked more handsome than any other man in the ton.

“Y/N!” he yelped as his eyes fell on you, sitting comfortably on his couch as Daphne had her legs propped on your lap. “I didn’t expect to see you here. I’m sorry, I would’ve looked more… presentable. Or at least dry.”

It was the oddest thing, he suddenly seemed impossibly shy. You only laughed and shook your head, waving off his apology.

“Nothing I haven’t seen before,” you smiled, recalling how reckless young Anthony was when it came to riding.

Anthony crinkled his nose, scratching the back of his neck. “It’s different now, though,” he insisted, still sounding out of sorts. “I can head upstairs quickly to make myself presentable and greet you properly.”

“No, that’s quite alright,” you insisted, finding Anthony entirely too endearing at the moment. “I should probably head home anyway; I’ve been here the better part of the afternoon.”

“Let me walk you home at least,” pleaded the positively soaking man at the entrance of the room. “Or even just call a carriage.”

Your home was only a few minutes’ walk away, and you were usually happy to do it on your own. However, looking out the window you realized it probably wasn’t the best idea to head home in this weather.

“Very well then,” you conceded, finding it impossible to say no to Anthony.

“Alright, give me five minutes, then. Just let me change out of these clothes and I’ll be back,” he yelled over his shoulder, already out the door and rushing upstairs.

“So it's all just pretend, then?” asked Daphne smugly once Anthony was gone.

“Oh, shush,” you grumbled, shoving her legs off you.

But Daphne only laughed gleefully, a knowing twinkle in her eye.

---

June 19, 1812 - Anthony had gone into town on a fine Friday afternoon in search of a new pair of hunting boots when he spotted you some distance away. You were accompanied by your lady’s maid, and you seemed to be leaving the modiste.

Apart from noticing how stunning you looked, even in a simple day dress, Anthony realized a few things.

First, you were far enough away from him and positioned in such a manner that there was no chance that you would see him. He could easily just go on with his day, quickly find the pair of hunting boots he came for, and make his way home.

However, the second thing he took note of is that a gentleman such as himself would always go out of his way to greet the lady he was courting. Perhaps it was time to shift away from the tiring rake act he so often put on and act like a Bridgerton.

And finally, he noted that, in reality, he could come back for a pair of hunting boots at any time. However, he couldn’t unexpectedly run into you every day.

So, with all this in mind, Anthony determinedly shouted your name. When you didn’t hear him and kept walking, he yelled your lady’s maid’s name, who turned around to look at who had called for her. Spotting Anthony through the crowd of summer shoppers, your lady’s maid tugged at your sleeve, turning you around so you could see him.

“Oh, Anthony, what a surprise!” you called, unable to help the bright smile that lit up your face.

How gentlemanly, you thought, for Anthony to go out of his way to say hello. Perhaps he had left behind his rakish ways.

“It’s rather hot today, isn’t it?” said Anthony as he reached you, leaning down to kiss your hand in greeting. “What do you say about going across the street and enjoying some tea?”

Your eyebrows raised in surprise. Greeting you unexpectedly and asking to spend time together? This was quite unusual indeed.

“Is there something you wanted to talk about?” you said, somewhat nervously. Had Daphne somehow let her plan slip? “We were due to see each other this evening at the Featherington ball."

Anthony laughed, enjoying your confusion. It felt quite good to be a gentleman, he thought. “Not at all, I just thought I’d take advantage of the fact that I saw you. I’m not particularly keen on depriving myself of the company of a wonderful lady such as yourself.”

You felt your face growing hot, completely floored by how lovely Anthony was being. It was like his usual charm turned up by a factor of ten.

Looking over at your lady’s maid, you raised your eyebrows to ask if it was alright with her if your plans were derailed.

“Nowhere else to be,” she shrugged her shoulders.

“Perfect, then, let’s go,” you smiled at Anthony.

Hooking your hand into the crook of his arm, you couldn’t help but feel a flutter in your stomach. Bit by bit, you were realizing you were in far over your head. So far you couldn’t even see the ground anymore. Anthony was turning out to be completely unexpected.

And though you were practically giddy every time you saw him now, you were also fighting to bury the uncomfortable thought that you might have made a grave mistake trying to mastermind your courtship with him.

---

June 23, 1812 - “Well, I suppose I should get going,” Anthony said to Colin, getting up from his chair as he looked at his watch. “Y/N will surely be expecting me, seeing as how we went to a ball yesterday evening.”

Upon hearing Colin snickering in response, the eldest Bridgerton shot his younger brother an annoyed look.

“Do you think this is funny? Wait a few years and you’ll be doing this, too,” Anthony scoffed.

“It’s not that,” said Colin, still chuckling to himself. “It’s just that she’s been here since this morning. I ran into her and Daphne a few hours ago.”

“And you didn’t think to tell me?” asked Anthony in disbelief.

Colin shrugged. “I thought you’d surely seen her. You’re the one courting her, after all.”

“Why didn’t she ask for me?” grumbled Anthony, mostly to himself. “Well, even more reason to go see her now. Goodbye, Colin. I would say it was a pleasure speaking with you but based on the last two minutes I don’t particularly think it was.”

In response, Colin half-heartedly crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it at his brother. “Say hello to your wife for me,” he teased, knowing Anthony’s aversion to marriage.

But his jab was only met with a slammed door. Anthony was too focused on finding you.

How on earth had he not noticed your presence in his home the whole day? To be fair, before you started courting, you spent copious amounts of time at the Bridgerton residence, with or without Daphne, and he wasn’t always aware until after the fact.

You had practically already been a part of the family, but it felt different now. He felt panicked that he hadn’t already greeted you, and he was worried you would hold it against him.

Rushing down the stairs, he ran into Daphne, who was shuffling through a stack of letters in the foyer.

“Who are you expecting correspondence from? A suitor?” he questioned suspiciously.

“She’s in the sitting room,” answered Daphne curtly.

Without a second thought, Anthony dashed across the hall, bursting into the sitting room.

There, he found you and Hyacinth sitting next to each other on the pianoforte bench. Your hands were on hers as you guided her nine-year-old fingers over the keys to form a melody. Startled, you dropped Hyacinth’s hands and turned to look over at the doorway.

“Is something the matter, dear?” asked Violet calmly from the other side of the room, quite used to the antics of her eight children.

“No, no- not at all,” gulped Anthony, not expecting to have seen you with his youngest sister. “I just heard Y/N had stopped by, is all.”

“That’s kind of you,” you said, smiling softly at the man you were courting. “Hyacinth seems to be a natural at the pianoforte.”

“Better than Gregory anyway,” said Hyacinth haughtily, eliciting a hearty laugh from you.

“Well, run along, then, Hyacinth,” urged Anthony. “I believe I should like to speak with Y/N.”

Hyacinth groaned, “She’s not yours Anthony. I believe I should like to stay," she said petulantly. "I was having such a lovely time with Y/N before you interrupted.”

She hugged you tight, lest Anthony tried to make her leave by force. Laughing, you hugged her back, patting her head soothingly.

“No one’s making you leave, Hyacinth,” you shot Anthony a playful glare. “I apologize for not finding you earlier, Gregory has just learned how to play chess and wanted to play a match. And then Hyacinth came in and thought it quite unfair that I had spent such a long time with Gregory and not her. And then, well, you know how they are…” you explained, your voice full of fondness for the youngest Bridgertons.

“Oh, do I,” said Anthony, walking over to ruffle Hyacinth’s hair affectionately. “Who won the chess match?”

Resigning himself to the fact that his little sister wouldn’t leave, Anthony made himself comfortable on the couch closest to you. And though he was hoping to spend some time alone– well, chaperoned– with you, he couldn’t deny that his heart was doing all sorts of gymnastics in his chest at the thought of the care you had for his siblings.

“We each won one and the third was a stalemate,” you responded, winking at Anthony and running your fingers through Hyacinth’s hair. “He’s quite good.”

“I want to learn how to play chess,” whined Hyacinth, detesting the fact that you and Gregory shared something she couldn’t join in on.

“I can teach you next time I stop by,” you promised, smiling fondly at her. “It’s quite a fun game, once you understand the rules.”

And at that very moment, Anthony knew he loved you. It had happened slowly, and then quite suddenly he was extremely aware of it. Much like you had made your way into the Bridgertons’ lives, you had made your way into his heart.

He knew he would be a fool not to see it. All he ever wanted was to take care of his family, and seeing you feel the same way was doing all sorts of things to his heart that he found impossible to ignore. You cared so deeply about his family, and it was difficult not to imagine the pair of you having a child of your own.

Anthony had decided. This was the first and last courtship he would ever have. He was falling faster than he could imagine, and he didn't particularly want to do anything to stop it. 

—

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[cornliastreett]

BED CHEM ⎯⎯ chapter seven

drew starkey x singer!reader

NAVIGATION !

BED CHEM MASTERLIST !

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001. NOTE

🤭🤭 don’t have anything to say but enjoy

i haven’t proof read this chapter so apologies for any mistakes but i really wanted to get this up today

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user let’s hope she sees drew again 🤭

Y/N DIDN'T OFTEN EXPERIENCE deja vu, or even at all. But when she locks eyes with Drew at yet another event, she feels it, causing her to almost irrupt into a fit of giggles. Was the universe trying to tell her something? Was there a reason it kept pulling her and Drew together?

He didn't approach her straight away, as he was in conversation with somebody else but he smiled, almost a smirk, before his eyes averted away. Meaning he didn't see the deep blush take over her face. She felt like she was back in High School. What was this man doing to her? Y/N needed to get it together before somebody caught on to the effect he had on her. Or before he caught on.

Little did she know, Drew was feeling the exact same. How could a girl he'd met no more than three times have such an effect on him? He'd locked eyes with Y/N, then looked away, but he couldn't stop thinking about her. The way her eyes sparkled when she saw him, the sound of her giggling at his pathetic attempts of flirting with her and the way she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Drew Starkey could not get Y/N Y/L/N out of his head, no matter how much he tried. Not that he was trying too hard.

After a few more minutes, Y/N had made her way over to the bar. She had brought Paloma along with her but she was long gone, Y/N assumed she was around somewhere trying to see who the most famous person she could talk to that night was. But Y/N didn't mind, not when she knew Drew was around somewhere.

The glass of her drink had barely reached her lips when a familiar voice spoke from behind her. "Well, well, well, fancy seeing you here." The voice spoke with a hint of amusement, causing her to smile. She placed her glass back on the bar and turned around.

There he was. Blue eyes staring into her own. "Hey, Starkey." Y/N teased, leaning back on the bar behind her. Her eyes quickly detoured down him, trying to covertly check him out but Drew saw, as clear as day.

"Oh, is that how it is? Not even first name basis." His eyebrows raised at Y/N’s words, teasing her. "I'm hurt, Y/L/N." Drew held his hand up to his chest. His chest that was covered in a black button up. Y/N noticed how he'd ditched the jacket, there was no tie, and the first three buttons had been disregarded. Showing off the top of his chest. Was he trying to kill her?

Unbeknown to her, she wasn't the only one focused on what the other one was wearing. Drew felt as though he couldn't breathe. Y/N looked unbelievable and he couldn't stop his eyes from dropping down. Who wore leather to an industry event anyway? But he wasn't going to complain.

Y/N frowned in a teasing way. "Drew isn't even your first name anyway." She pointed out before raising her own eyebrows.

"How do you know that?" Drew laughed, had she been Googling him?

"Maddie told me." Y/N shrugged her shoulders. It wasn't a big deal that her and Maddie were talking about him, right?

"You've been talking about me with Maddie?" Drew's face had unknowingly lit up.

Y/N felt her face heat up again but she tried to brush it off. "Maybe." She reached for her drink to distract Drew from her flushed face. "So, Joseph, are you following me or what?" Y/N then changed the subject, they didn't need to discuss that she was talking about him with Madelyn.

"You wish." Drew laughed, crossing his arms over his chest, trying to act cool. But all Y/N could focus on was how his shirt tightened around his biceps when he did that.

Her eyes went back up to his face, and Drew expected her to laugh but she didn't. "Maybe I do." She wasn't going to lie.

"Oh yeah?" Drew smirked and Y/N's body reacted in a way she had never felt before.

"Yeah." She mirrored his smirk.

And that was it for the rest of the night. The two were glued to each other. Y/N and Drew had migrated over to the very end of the bar together, sitting opposite each other on two bar stools. Y/N hadn't even noticed but every time one of them had stood up, their stools seemed to get closer and closer together. Till their knees were slotted in between one another's. Y/N's left leg was slotted firmly between Drew's, meaning she could not move away. Luckily, she hadn't wanted to.

That had also meant Y/N was in perfect reaching distance of Drew. So he could place his hand directly onto her knee, casually without being too obvious.

The first time he did it, she had noticed. Although she had been wearing leather trousers, his hand felt as though it was burning a hole through them. The next few times he did it, she hadn't noticed as much. Then in the end, he hadn't even moved it away. Drew's hand stayed there till they had left that night.

There was laughing, and giggling from Y/N, flirting and teasing. If anyone was in earshot of the two, it would've been plastered all over the news the next morning. But nobody was really paying attention to either of them. Which was nice. Y/N didn't have to worry about what anybody would say.

The only person who really took notice was Paloma, who had circled back around to find Y/N. But when Paloma saw who Y/N was with, she decided to stay away. She hadn't seen her that happy in a while.

After an hour, or maybe two, of talking, Y/N was maybe tipsy enough to be braver than she usually would. Their last conversation had ended. Drew's hand was still resting on Y/N’s knee but now her hand was with his, fingers running over his own and over his rings. She hesitated before she spoke but meant every word. "Would it be totally inappropriate to ask you if you wanna get out of here?" Y/N said, eyes flickering up to meet his. She smirked, running her fingers around his own and holding them. The tension between the two was becoming too much for them both.

"Absolutely not, let's go." And Y/N had never seen Drew move so fast. Although he didn't let go of her hand, he used the other one to down his drink and he stood up, taking Y/N with him.

She had started to giggle at his eagerness but found it oddly attractive. "Okay, slow down." She said in between laughter leaving her mouth. She brought his hand closer to herself, gaining his attention.

"You want me to slow down?" Drew raised an eyebrow at her as he placed the glass back down on the bar.

Y/N paused, staring up into his eyes. Did she want him to slow down? "No, not really." She said softly, before letting Drew practically drag her out of the building.

A taxi took them back to Y/N's apartment. Only because it was closer. Y/N had also texted Paloma while in the taxi, telling her she'd left with Drew and that she'd pay for a taxi for her back to her apartment. She felt awful for ditching her friend but she knew she wouldn't mind, Paloma wasn't that kind of person.

The taxi ride was filled with Y/N's giggles as Drew whispered things into her ear. They couldn't keep their hands off each other as Y/N found herself unbuttoning more buttons on Drew's shirt. Her nails tracing patterns into his skin. Her touch was electric and Drew knew he wouldn't be able to stay away from her now.

When they got dropped off at her apartment building, Y/N led Drew inside. He followed behind her as she made her way over to the elevators. Y/N pressed the button and felt Drew press himself into her from behind, wrapping his arms around her waist softly. Drew's lips then found her neck, and her collarbone, and her shoulders. He only stopped when the doors opened in front of them.

The two adults stumbled inside, more laughter leaving Y/N's mouth. She pressed her back against the wall of the elevator, after pressing the right floor number. Drew stood in front of her, towering over her small frame. Y/N slowly wrapped her arms around Drew's shoulders, bringing herself closer to his face. They didn't move any closer, although there wasn't much room between them anyway. As they stared into each other's eyes. Y/N slowly moved her hands up to the back of his neck, stopping before bringing him any closer.

"If you kiss me right now, I am not going to be able to stay away from you." She admitted, eyes glancing down at his lips.

Drew wanted to laugh, was that supposed to make him want him to stop? "Maybe that's exactly what I want." Drew told her before he closed the distance between them himself.

Y/N had never had a first kiss so electrifying. She'd never had one that made her body feel on fire and so calm at the same time. It just felt right.

But unfortunately, it was short lived as the sound of the elevator doors opening forced the two apart. Y/N grabbed hold of Drew's hand, dragging him along behind her to her apartment. She dug her keys from her bag, fumbling with them as she tried to unlock the door. When she finally did, Drew followed her inside and into her kitchen, where Y/N threw her phone and bag onto the side.

"Do you want a —" She attempted to ask Drew if he wanted a drink, trying to occupy herself as she wasn't really sure what was about to happen next and didn't want to just assume why Drew had accompanied her back to her apartment. Although the reason she assumed, she really hoped was the reason.

Luckily for Y/N, she didn't need to assume as Drew spun her around and pressed her against the kitchen counter. Drew's lips found Y/N's again, but this time it was more forceful, more passionate. It meant more than a hesitant, slow kiss in an elevator. This one was leading somewhere.

The kiss became faster, like they were afraid the other would disappear. Drew's hands found a place on Y/N's waist, gripping the leather covering her skin. Y/N's had found place on Drew's jaw, giving her a sense of control. They continued, till Y/N needed to catch her breath. She pulled away, keeping her hands on Drew's face but Drew had other plans. His mouth attached itself to Y/N's jawline, making it's way down to her neck and even further.

The sounds of Y/N's breathing filled the room as she attempted to fill her lungs again but Drew was making it awfully difficult. Her empty fingers found space in his hair, nails scratching his scalp. Drew had lightly nipped the skin above her collarbone, eliciting a soft moan from Y/N's lips. "You have no idea how much I have thought about this since meeting you." Drew's words were muffled, not wanting to remove himself from Y/N.

Y/N found herself smiling, even though Drew couldn't see. "I think I have a slight idea."

Finally, Drew had removed his face from her neck. His face was red and his lips were swollen but Y/N had never been more attracted to him. "God, you're so beautiful." His 6 foot 2 frame towered over her 5 foot one. "I can die a happy man now."

A laugh escaped Y/N's lips as she shook her head at the man. "You're ridiculous."

"Is that why you're blushing?" He smirked, leaning his head back down but stopped before their lips touched.

"Just stop talking and kiss me."

"Yes, ma'am."

BED CHEM TAGLIST !

tags: @esquivelbianca @ts1mp0ne @fruitcakerafe @anothertimegirl @soincredible @ursogorgeous13 @drewsephrry @sabrina-carpenter-stan-account @hypnotizedstarkey @harrys-housewife @st8rkey @lyannesworld @bxbychxrry @midnight-and-books @dontknow3m @amel1ee @preyperch-blog @dreamybabbyy @lolasangelz @nai12 @drewstarkeysbabe @blog-luvdance @darlingstarkey @chillgal135 @blushmimi @fveapplestall @rlalliehayes @moonssyrup @pamwired @kissesandmartinis @sereneera @imtalkinnonsense @starkeybae @voidangxls @mysticbby2009

[n1daehodefender]

Kang dae-ho angst headcanons

pairing: Kang dae-ho

A/N: This is not a x reader bc i have never written full angst BUT i have a couple angst Drafts of dae ho x reader, if you want me to publish them lmk idk if their Any good tho:( anyway requests are always open!!!!

Warnings: The following headcanons contain themes of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), childhood abuse, violence, and psychological distress. Also this is how i see the character, out visions might be different! Some of these might be canon

His father’s disdain for his interests and the forced enlistment in the marines haunt Dae-ho, leading him to constantly question his own worth and choices.

Conditioned by past abuse to believe he is always at fault, he apologizes excessively, even when he has done nothing wrong, reflecting his low self-esteem.

Dae-ho frequently experiences vivid nightmares of the shooting incident during his marine service, often waking up in a cold sweat, heart pounding, as the memories replay in his mind.

Even in seemingly safe environments, Dae-ho remains constantly on edge, his eyes darting around, muscles tense, always anticipating potential threats due to his PTSD.

Certain sounds, like gunfire or loud bangs, trigger intense flashbacks to the traumatic events he witnessed, causing him to freeze or react defensively, reliving the moments as if they were happening again.

He avoids discussing his time in the marines, deflecting conversations or changing topics to prevent resurfacing painful memories that he struggles to suppress.

Dae-ho grapples with overwhelming guilt, questioning why he survived the shooting incident when many of his comrades did not, leading to feelings of unworthiness and self-blame.

To cope with his trauma, he often shuts down emotionally, finding it difficult to connect with others or express his feelings, creating a barrier between him and those who care about him.

Sudden movements or unexpected touches cause him to flinch or react defensively, a reflex ingrained from his time in combat and his abusive childhood.

Fearful of the nightmares that plague his sleep, Dae-ho often stays awake for days, leading to chronic exhaustion and difficulty concentrating during waking hours.

Believing he is a burden due to his trauma, he distances himself from friends and family, preferring solitude over the risk of causing them distress or facing their pity.

In high-stress situations, Dae-ho experiences debilitating panic attacks, characterized by shortness of breath, chest pain, and a sense of impending doom, leaving him feeling powerless.

Trust Issues: Betrayals and loss have made it difficult for him to trust others, always questioning their motives and fearing abandonment or further hurt.

Physical closeness triggers memories of past abuse, causing him to shy away from affectionate gestures, even when he craves connection and comfort.

To mask his insecurities and trauma, Dae-ho often overcompensates by displaying excessive confidence or bravado, hiding his vulnerabilities behind a facade.

In an attempt to numb his pain and silence his thoughts, he occasionally turns to alcohol or medication, leading to moments of dependency and further self-loathing.

During periods of extreme stress or sleep deprivation, Dae-ho experiences hallucinations of his deceased comrades, blurring the lines between reality and memory.

Due to his father’s authoritarian nature and strict military superiors, Dae-ho harbors an ingrained fear of authority, leading to anxiety in hierarchical settings.

Confined spaces remind him of traumatic situations, triggering intense claustrophobia and panic, making it difficult for him to use elevators or small rooms.

Fearing loss, Dae-ho becomes overly protective of those he cares about, sometimes to the point of being overbearing, driven by the need to prevent further trauma.

Stress-induced dissociation leads to gaps in his memory, causing him to forget important conversations or events, adding to his frustration and sense of helplessness.

In an attempt to regain control over his life, Dae-ho becomes obsessively perfectionistic, setting unattainable standards for himself and berating himself when he falls short.

Past experiences have instilled a deep-seated fear of failure, causing him to avoid new opportunities or challenges, believing he is destined to fail.

Bottled-up emotions occasionally erupt uncontrollably, leading to angry or tearful outbursts over seemingly minor issues, surprising those around him.

During moments of severe stress, Dae-ho feels disconnected from his surroundings, as if observing his life from outside his body, a dissociative coping mechanism.

Deep down, Dae-ho believes he is unlovable due to his trauma, leading him to sabotage relationships to avoid the pain of potential rejection.

Accustomed to suppressing his feelings, he struggles to articulate his emotions, often resorting to silence or dismissive remarks.

Despite self-isolating, Dae-ho yearns for companionship, battling the paradox of craving connection while fearing the vulnerability it requires.

[cinnamonest]

I do want to also continue my primary momcon storyline at one point, but with the recent delinquent/bully Ajax posts I am now contemplating modern small town au delinquent Ajax but instead of student/classmate it's momcon…

Poor single mom who is already judged and ostracized by the small town community for being a single mom who had her baby way too young, unmarried, and with a deadbeat at that, made so much worse by the fact that your precious baby boy is a notorious problem child, treated as a menace and threat to the entire town. Hearing people mutter about how that's what happens when some girl that can't keep her legs shut has a kid with no father, how the whole household is messed up in the head, how his lack of inhibition must be hereditary.

Everyone knows him, and by extension, everyone knows you. Who you are, what your marital status is, the fact that you’re the mother of the town menace. You were hoping to live quietly, avoiding negative judgement as much as possible, but unfortunately, that proves not doable when your son is constantly drawing attention to himself in the worst of ways.

You’re always profusely apologizing whenever you get called to the school, bowing your head and squeezing your eyes shut as you promise for the umpteenth time that you'll talk with him and that it won't happen again, unable to look the faculty in the eye, knowing from experience how much their disdainful, judgmental glares hurt. Knowing what they're thinking in their heads even if they don't say it out loud, what they probably say to each other once you leave. How it's your fault, how you have no control over your child.

Or that one line that still hurts you to think about, that time you overheard two other moms with kids on the playground mutter about how they do this or that with their children, or how they would never have a kid without a present father — or else they turn out like that kid…

You were told that once before to your face, back when he was little — that you needed to hurry up and find a step father for him, or else he'll become a bad kid — because he's a boy and everyone knows boys don't obey their mothers the way they do fathers, you know? Sure they love them and all, but once he gets older he's going to start seeing you as small and weak, socialized by other boys and culture into feeling superior to you, and everyone knows that turns into blatant disregard for your authority.

But it's because of him that you can't — you tried, but he always drove away every man you dated, always reacted very badly whenever you got a new boyfriend, being mean and hitting and kicking and setting up cruel pranks and making the man miserable until he told you he couldn't do it anymore and left you alone again. Eventually it gets to be too much for you to handle, and you resign yourself to give up for now, maybe try again when he’s older and mature enough to have a serious discussion on the matter.

Or maybe wait until he’s grown and moved out — if that ever happens, seeing as when you bring up the future, he insists that he’ll stay here and take care of you, says I could never go off somewhere and leave you here by yourself, Mama.

Regardless, you do try and work with him, get him to behave better, but you just can’t. It’s incredibly frustrating. Everything you say goes in one ear, out the other (maybe those people had a point when they said he wouldn't respect your authority). You fuss at him as you wrap the little band-aids all over each of his fingers where they’re scraped up from the fight of the day, but he just smiles, seems to not really be paying any attention, just happy to have your attention and see you worrying over him.

He always dismisses you with ease, promising you he’ll do better and won’t beat anyone up again, but you can very easily tell he doesn’t really mean it at all. And his actions follow suit — you often get a phone call from the school the very next day.

He doesn't really have friends anyway, your attempts to get him to socialize with other kids always ended up leading to fights instead. But that's okay, he doesn't need friends, he says, he has his Mama.

You do feel like it's your fault. Why did he become so violent? Surely you did something wrong. But at the same time, you don't feel like you did anything bad to him, because if nothing else, Ajax is ferociously defensive of you.

You lose count of how many times, after being called in about yet another fight, your son proudly tells you he was defending your honor — yes, he may have cracked that boy's skull open against the brick wall of the building, but he only did it because that bastard had the nerve to call his Mama a whore, so he deserved to have his face disfigured like that. Yes, he may have put three kids in the hospital, but only because they were doing the thing teen boys do where they joke about fucking someone's mom, and he couldn't stand for that, he had to teach them a lesson so they think twice before doing that again. And it's true that one time he did stab someone, he'll confess to that, but it was because that guy spread rumors that his Mama was hooking to make money, and he couldn't stand for that.

This becomes a very well-known thing with him, which creates a bit of a conundrum — on one hand, most people learn to shut up about you if there's even a possibility he's within earshot. However, some of the other rowdy, bully-type boys know that talking about Mama is like his berserk-button, a guaranteed way to get a reaction out of him, so they go out of their way to set him off, believing they can just run away before he can get to them. Usually they stop once they get proven wrong about being able to run and get beaten up badly enough, but there's always some kid dumb enough to try, thus the violence is endless.

Not to mention those cases are worse. Normal fights get a visit to the nurse, but if the motive involves you, he's far more violent. The thankfully few, but nonetheless increasing number of times you had to pick him up from jail were almost all related to those fights in particular, that got so out of hand they warranted a teacher or bystander calling for help. Not to mention he's not at all hesitant to hunt offenders down in town to hurt them, away from the school authorities (who are always keeping an eye on him), so he'll get more punches in before a townsperson notices and calls for help.

And much like the school faculty, the law enforcement always gives you these awful, hurtful looks of disdain, a condescending tone in their voices when they ask if you're here to get your kid again and sighing when you nod your head. A few have the nerve to tell you that you really need to do something or else it's only a matter of time before he does something you can't just bail him out of.

And he's always so cheerful when you do come get him. A bit sheepish, apologizes for the inconvenience of you having to drive out here to come get him (not for the act that got him put there in the first place), but otherwise very smiley and touchy and grateful.

Very, very touchy. He's always been like that. He was a cuddly kid, always lifting his arms up in a gesture to be picked up, always clinging to your sleeves. He never went through that phase most boys go through, where they think they're too old to be spending time with their Mom or get embarrassed by affection and push her away or distance themselves from her. You were always grateful for that, it was heartwarming that he always seemed to be proud of you and happy to be seen with you.

But he does get very, very touchy. Always wrapping his arms around you. When you come to school events, visiting distant relatives (who all dislike him, but stopped bringing it up when you got defensive), even when you go grocery shopping (he always comes along, insistent on helping you), he's always coming up behind you, resting his head on your shoulder and keeping his arms looped around you from behind. And sure, he's never stopped kissing you on the mouth and not your forehead or something, but that's normal for some families, right? And it's only for a second, so it's not weird.

People do notice. You see the furrowed eyebrows and wrinkles noses and perplexed expressions, people leaning over to whisper something in another’s ear.

But at the same time, how could you ever bring something like that up? How could you possibly be mad at him for showing you affection? It's not as if you don't like it, it's just somewhat inappropriate in public… but it would surely hurt his feelings if you told him not to, so you say nothing.

You’re so, so grateful for him. He’s always there for you, always so loving, and has never even complained about having to go without a lot of things other people have.

And because he sees you struggling so much financially, by the time he’s a teenager he gets that itch where he feels like he has to prove himself, because how can he just sit back and let his Mama provide for everything, when he’s technically The Man of the household?

So soon enough he’s telling you — rather, insisting, no matter what you say — that he wants to help you pay for expenses.

It’s not consistently timed, but every now and then, he sometimes comes home to pull wads of cash out of his pockets, handed over to you with a sweet smile… and where did he get that money? Don’t worry about it, is all he’ll willingly say.

You know there’s no way anyone in this small little town would willingly hire him, since everyone knows who he is, and he’s coming back around the same time as he normally would… except sometimes he goes out in the evenings every now and then for just a few hours, when he never did that before, and takes his bag with him for some reason, and you know now that you think about it you recall the local news talking about a string of break-in thefts and increase in drug usage and — no, no, you know what? You decide to not think about it. Your mind has had as much as you can handle and you decide to tell yourself your beloved baby boy has some lucrative job he just never talks about for some reason or another. If you can convince yourself of that, well, that’s the first step to blissful ignorance, so you just cup his face in your hands and kiss his sweet face and tell him you’re so thankful and how much you love him and feel your heart melt when he looks so happy and proud of himself for you saying so.

But because he’s at least starting to show some self-awareness, understanding money issues and such, you figure this is a good time to get him invested in his own future.

You’re also a little worried about said future, given that the prospects for partnership in such a rural place are already sparse. Since everyone knows him, people guard their daughters and watch him like a hawk, tell them to stay the hell away from that boy, and they do listen, keep their distance. This troubles you, you bring it up to him — if you get a bad reputation, you’ll scare all the girls away! — and for once, he actually has some reaction.

But you’re not scared of me, are you?

Of course, you coo and fuss and say of course not — he's your baby, even if he hurts others, he's always so soft and sweet to you — and that seems to make him content, and anything you say about future prospects thereafter goes ignored.

Well, he ignores anything about prospects for him, at least. It's a different story when it comes to you.

Because the subject does come up once again. If you can just get a wealthy man, you say one day, you can easily make life so much easier for the both of you. You could get him a good education without debt, really set him up to have a bright future.

But the moment you mention it, his expression contorts with some amalgamation of shock, disgust, outrage, concern. He shakes his head and grabs you so firmly by your shoulders and says you can't be serious.

He'll be fine without college. No other man is going to appreciate you like he does. Love you like he does. No way can he let some guy just come in and invade the space you two have always shared. It would feel wrong, it would feel so foreign to him to have someone else living here when it's always been just you two. Besides, so many men would just use you, hurt you, leave you, he doesn't want to see you get hurt — and he'd never hurt you.

He's insistent, actually, on not going off to study. He wants to stay home, he says. He can't just leave you all alone! You'll be so lonely and you might replace him with another man— ah, you might get a boyfriend, and he couldn't be there to keep the guy in line.

And if some other man hurt you— well, he would do something really really bad, something that would get him locked up for a long time.

You don't want that, do you?

Because then, if some guy dumps you — which would inevitably happen, that's just how guys are, they'd use you and leave once they got bored or decided to replace you.

Like Dad, he says.

And sure enough, you tense up — he knows exactly what to say to make his words sting, he knows how much it hurts you, knows it's digging up pain you've tried to bury. You want to think he wouldn't do that on purpose. He's just distressed and the words came out without thinking.

But that pain is the hook to get you to listen. Because, he says, then if he goes away too, you'll be all alone without him. You'll have no one, and everyone in town already judges you, how would you ever survive without him? You need him, don't you? Could you really deal with the guilt of knowing it's your fault he would be locked up?

You try to reason with him, and his grip on your shoulders grows so tight it hurts.

For the first time, you feel a little scared of him, as he looks down at you — when did your baby boy get so much taller than you? — with a dark look in his eyes.

You find yourself shrinking back. Stammering out a soft little okay, nodding your head, saying you understand. You can feel your heartbeat in your throat.

And with that, he's immediately back to normal, smiley and happy and relieved you understand. He just doesn't want you to get hurt, is all. Because he loves you. You know that, right?

As long as you stay with him and him alone, he won't have any reason to really hurt someone. So, you know, his future hinges on your decisions, because he just can't help himself when it comes to defending you.

But that’s unlikely to happen on its own (everyone avoids you because of him and all), which is why you'd have to deliberately choose to pursue another man, which would make what happens your fault. He'll chase off any guys that get too close on their own.

Just don't put him in a position where he's forced to kill someone, and everything will be fine. You'll always have him, after all.

[blackwaves]

shakes you by the shoulders DAZAI AND AKUTAGAWAAAA please talk about them omg i’m losing it. that part of the new chapter where akutagawa says he didn’t feel any pain under dazai’s mentoring and calls HIMSELF deplorable… akutagawa searching for dazai desperately after he vanished… and then that followed by atsushi wanting nothing to do with the headmaster and refusing to talk to him. sskk each processing their toxic relationships with their mentors in completely opposite ways … atsushi pitying akutagawa over treatment that akutagawa himself likely doesn’t even see as abuse. i’m so insane. anyway. please do expand upon your thoughts about dazai & akutagawa’s relationship in the context of atsushi’s with the headmaster i beg

hi i am typing this out on my phone on data feeling incomprehensible emotions so i can't provide screenshots rn (aka source trust me; i can provide sources from the text later tbh. fascinating how often i have dived into the bsd manga to reread for dazai-akutagawa. i'm insane over them.) but.

okay so: important premise and foundation stone. the thing about bsd and abuse to me forever is that it's once again the fact that bsd as a manga hates labels. i'm being facetious, but— labels placed in a toolbox to describe and communicate mutually-understood concepts, but which don't dictate behavior or lead to like... assumptions of, this is how you should feel or the actions you should be taking. anyway this is to say disclaimer it's never incorrect to me to say dazai abused akutagawa (i generally stick with terms like, put his entire brain in a pasta machine and turned the handle, instead, but like yeah he Did fuck up that kid forever in a way characterized by his power over him. heartemoji.) but simultaneously i am always tilting my head at a lot of specifically fanon interpretation of their dynamic as abuser-victim because i simultaneously think asagiri is never, ever playing that simple with it.

this applies to a lesser extent with the orphanage director & atsushi, but is present in some ways. because they make me insane and again, asagiri is never playing that simple + i think placing it into (v western-centric, but that's a discussion for another time) boxes of what victims should be feeling is reductive and misses the point, especially given that the characters themselves are not working inside that framework. this is primarily important to me with the discussion of like... resentment and anger in relation to the abuse, and how it ties into the way that bsd does not absolve wrongs done but looks at them with understanding and says, always. what now. what will you do with the aftermath and what's left. you have to move forward; what now?

so. the chapter where the orphanage director dies and its portrait of abuse lives rent free in my head. akutagawa directly parallels dazai and the orphanage director for their roles in his own and atsushi's lives respectively; it's the same sentiment through the way they treated akutagawa and atsushi respectively, as well. akutagawa in heartless cur mirrors the same emptiness constantly described in dazai; dazai offers the suicidal kid on the verge of self-destruction a reason to live, which is a temporary liferaft and messy and fucked up and does horrible at it, but: it is dazai looking at the kid he chose to pick up and trying to save him. it doesn't work because dazai himself is a fucked up teenager who doesn't have a reason to live, but it's an attempt (he takes it so seriously that he is akutagawa's mentor btw, even if it looks otherwise. that's his kid. that's literally his kid).

(to some extent, it's the same thing as kouyou-kyouka, and it's the same thing as akutagawa-kyouka— you offer someone looking to you a way to live, and you fuck it up (because you urself are not that good at living), but you're trying and it's driven by that fact. it’s a common thread i’m always, always fascinated by, but more relevantly— )

which is just to lead up to: atsushi and the orphanage director are paralleled to dazai-akutagawa. explicitly. and atsushi hates the orphanage director for what he did to him and he's narratively allowed to, bsd is never going to tell you his motivations cancel out what he did, but it doesn't undo that the orphanage director is realer than being just the 2d monster of atsushi's childhood. there’s something important to me forever in beast atsushi experiencing the same realization that canon atsushi does wrt the shattering realization that the blanket resentment+fury covers over how he does have more complicated feelings for the orphanage director and vice versa, the sudden realization of humanity and this time warped, vs the way again it does not ever absolve the orphanage director of what he did. the conversation with mori at the end of beast lives in my head forever.

it’s just. someone who forms ur framework of what it means to live. someone rooted deep in the bedrock of how you define yourself and who twisted your head about it forever and who you have eternally messy undefinable feelings about, who is infinitely infinitely human and who was still trying so hard to save you as best as they could, who saw themself in you and gave you the tools they themself had and it didn’t work but. it was something. it’s important to me, and i think it’s fascinating as a thread to draw back on as sskk adapt and grow and learn together to find new reasons to live. atsushi pushing through the door With the orphanage director matters so much to me— not in the sense of forgiveness, but in the sense of, his feelings have never been as simple as he wanted them to be and he is looking at that rn as he finds better ways to be alive.

[tawked]

I think the reason the X-Men are a bad metaphor for racism is that they're actually a metaphor for disability made wrong and strange by the perceived need to broaden the scope to be more relatable to a wider audience via an attempt to be representative of all marginalization.

You know, a story that started with a bunch of kids living at a segregated special school run by a dude in a wheelchair preparing to enter adult life, discriminated against for their appearances, "deformities," abilities and assistive devices. It seems unsubtle to me but I've been in Disability World my whole life so this is the lens by which I see things. The fact that I very rarely see disability-based readings of the X-Men kinda suggests I might be an outlier here? But hear me out.

So, the Doom Patrol represents the other strategy with the same starting premise. Unlike the intentional broadening of subject the X-Men underwent in the 1980s, Doom Patrol has simply never lost sight of its disability focus. The criticism of the Doom Patrol is that it sometimes leans too hard into disability as the root of misery and conflates being disabled with being a "loser." In the 1960s stories, The Chief's role is to give them stern talking-tos about believing in themselves that actually do parallel the stiff upper lip attitude the non-institutionalized disabled were treated with back then (and in some cases are indeed treated with today), but it's not like they're ever going to tell you Robotman, who became a brain in a giant assistive device after a car accident, somehow represents black people lol. That's what Cyborg is for and he is at least actually black and not metaphorically black.

Anyway, my point is, when people criticize the X-Men as a bad metaphor for racism, I always have this feeling like... Yeah, no shit, you're witnessing the generalization of one minority into an ur-minority. Of course no one can really see themselves in that, that's not really how marginalized people experience our marginalization. It's how well-meaning but kind of ignorant non-marginalized people think of the marginalized.

It's especially jarring because disability is somewhat unique in how we culturally address it. Hear me out.

If I treat my black friend (who's black) Eric differently because he's black (he's my black friend), that is fucked up. There is no meaningful difference that exists between myself and Eric on a basis of our skin colour or parentage. Any differences that might exist are social constructs and human reactions to imposed social realities. Paradoxically, in order to be a good friend, Eric must treat me differently than he treats many other people, because I am disabled, and the difference in how he treats me is accommodation. I cannot access the world without this different treatment. A difficulty in navigating discussions of equality is that disabled people, in many ways, require equity in order to function. Allowing all peoples to walk on the same street means nothing to those of us who cannot walk.

Getting out of the crowded elevator because Eric wants in: gross and weird.

Getting out of the crowded elevator because Emily On Wheels wants in: the right move, the elevator is her only option, while you have the option to take the stairs instead. Discriminating in the sense that you are making a choice because of her difference, but not necessarily bigotry because this choice is to enable rather than to oppress. I mean obviously if you roll your eyes and act like a big bitch about it while doing it you are being a bigot but we're talking broad generalizations here.

You can see how, when constructing a metaphor for discrimination, if one is not careful, one may be seen to be endorsing equality without equity, or seen to be endorsing treating people read metaphorically as black differently based on that metaphorical blackness when one wants to make a different statement about ability and accessibility. Especially because bigots often equivocate race and disability so it's become this enmeshed intersectional issue and -- I'm getting beyond my own scope here, sorry.

tbh, even if the X-Men were just about disability, it'd be imperfect. The Doom Patrol is imperfect. The character of Cyborg is imperfect. There will never be a perfect metaphorical superhero who directly represents a social issue or marginalized people, hence why it's important to just... have superheroes who are of these demographics. You know, instead of Kitty Pryde being metaphorically Jewish, she's just Jewish. Instead of Cyborg being metaphorically black, he's just black. Then you can examine what you want to say without over-extending concepts like the mutant metaphor into areas that contradict, and can treat these fictional constructs instead as catalysts for the issues you want to discuss. Or just treat them as realities of the fictional world without necessarily attempting to write them as analogies all the time, Tolkien style. The war parallels will come, even if that's just not what you're writing about, because you're a butch battlefield queen and these wounds they will not heal etc.

Anyway, look, maybe I'm incorrect here. Maybe the disabled man running a special school for people who look different, are different on a basis of the things they can and cannot do ie. seeing without a visor, and are discriminated against specifically for their different abilities, really did represent racism all along, and I'm just huffing swamp gas. Maybe it's a coincidence that the X-Men hit shelves around the same time the concept of deinstitutionalization and the creation of in-community special schools for people who previously would've been institutionalized since early childhood began going mainstream in American politics.

But this is my theory and I'm sticking to it. A lot of the awkwardness in X-Men as a metaphor derives from the desire to expand scope to discuss a universal discrimination when discrimination cannot be made universal, and a lot of the smoother, more recognizable metaphorical writing in Doom Patrol is such because it chose one subject and stuck to it.

i still like both x-men and doom patrol. this isn't a qualitative argument. i actually think there are virtues to a universalized metaphorical marginalization narrative when one's target audience is cishet white boys - maybe relating to wolverine and learning to care about storm might make someone care about black women a little more, y'know? i can hope. i can hope.

[snackietaylors]

A Treatise on Shauna Strapman (she’s a top you guys)

Disclaimer: the views expressed in this post should not be taken seriously. But they should be taken extremely seriously.

There’s been a lot of talk lately regarding Shauna’s sexual preferences. Is she bi? A lesbian? Straight (lol)? Well, I’m here to tell you that regardless of anything else, that girl is a top.

The first item of evidence I’d like to point out is Adult Shauna. We see two explicitly sexual relationships here: Jeff and Adam. Now with Jeff, Shauna normally takes on the stereotypical role both sexually and non-sexually of his wife. However, she is WILDLY unhappy about this, and does it largely out of guilt, etc. The times we see her enjoying her relationship with Jeff (e.g., their second attempt at furniture store roleplay), she takes on a more dominant role. Now with Adam, Shauna seems to be much more excited about that relationship. Obviously because it’s taboo, but also I think because she is the one calling the shots. We see the most extreme example of her dominance in this relationship with the text she sends Adam, telling him to lie on the floor. A third potential sexual relationship for Adult Shauna is Hat. Obviously here, she gets off (sexually in my opinion) on pinning Hat down and feeding her a bite of her arm.

Next let’s discuss Teen Shauna pre-crash. The two biggest relationships here are Jackie and Jeff. With Jeff, she orders him around and is in complete control during their hookup (in contrast to how she feels around Jackie), commanding him to pull over the car, say he loves her, etc. She is more passionate in this scene than perhaps any of her moments with Adult Jeff. Now with Jackie: Shauna is deeply unhappy and resentful of the power Jackie seems to wield over her. She calls Jackie out for it a few times and stews in anger otherwise. When Jackie is called out, she yields (quickly, if with much annoyance), but Shauna often gives in to Jackie’s desires anyway (ie the Boob Dress). Now. People use this dynamic as evidence for bottom Shauna, but I strongly believe it is just further evidence for Top Shauna. Many of Jackieshauna’s problems would be solved if Shauna simply took the power she seems to crave. Shauna loves Jackie, but she also wants to be her, possess her, and ultimately consume her. I think if Shauna took on a more dominant role in their relationship, it would satisfy many of her desires. As for Jackie: Jackie’s main desire in her relationship with Shauna is to be close to her, so any controlling-ness that she enacts is usually an attempt to keep Shauna in her grasp. I think she’d be very willing to yield control if she felt more secure in Shauna’s affection.

Now post-crash? Season 3 Shauna. Enough said. Her gathering of power first with Hat and later with the group to become AQ is, by Adult Shauna’s own admission, the most content in her role that Shauna has ever been (or will ever be).

[gilverrwrites]

reader having to adjust to michael and adam in the same body together (maybe a twinge of angst), but reader slowly grows to love michael just as much as they love adam <3

Growing to love Michael as much as you love Adam

Author note: This is very Michael heavy, I think at some point I wanna do something that either more Adam centric, or fully about them both. Also I have some ideas brewing for an actual fic, maybe?

Rating: General

Genre: Fluff, mild angst.

Words: 982

Please remember: Not to worry about thing's you cannot control.

Seeing Adam after so long was surreal.

He’d changed so much; he wasn’t just older, taller, stronger.

He was always laid back and practical, but now he’s more self-assured and perceptive. 

And surprisingly well-adjusted for a man who had just spent more than a millennia in hell.

In some ways, it was easy to fall back into strides with him. He’d grown and changed, but he was still the man you loved.

The hardest part was Michael.

Sometimes it felt like you were the 3rd wheel. You knew Adam first, you loved him first, but Michael had known him longer. Try explaining that to literally anyone.

Although honestly, explaining any part of Adam, Michael, and your whole dynamic to anyone would be complicated.

Now that they’re free of the cage, Michael could so easily return to Heaven. He could repress Adam's mind, take his body, and do as he pleases, but he doesn’t. He’s sacrificing everything for him. How are you supposed to compare?

Sometimes Adam will clock out of a conversation, absorbed in something else with Michael.

They have stories, and inside jokes you can never really be a part of.

It’s lonely, waking up in an unexpectedly empty bed.

Being stood up because Michael had other plans.

Raising the issues with them garners sympathy and promises of change from Adam, but Michael is less responsive, which doesn’t give you much hope.

Change is a three-way street in this case. 

However, you suspect they discussed the issue between themselves at some point, because change does come.

You’d finish dinner with Adam, but Michael would help you clean up.

He has offered to use his mojo, "so much faster and easier", but Adam doesn’t want to rely too much on it. You tend to agree, unless you’re feeling lazy.

And Michael is always quick to agree when you ask. Who knew Michael could be the naughty one.

You’d plan a game/puzzle night, which Michael would get invested in, and take control of. Especially if it is strategy-based.

You’d come home at the end of a hard day, and often, Michael was the one who would listen.

At first it was:

“Your whining is displeasing; I implore you to stop.”

But over time, he becomes more sympathetic, more interested in your feelings and day-to-day life.

Until he greets you with questions about your friends, or on-going dramas. Asking if you have had a better day today.

He asks you a lot of questions. Mainly about Earth, humanity, and culture at first. Adam is a sufficient guide to the human world, but he is a little behind the times.

And you can’t deny how cute he is when he repeats slang words back at you, or attempts to use them.

“What is ‘clickbait’?” “You’re home, how was work? Please ‘spill the tea’.” “Your clothing? Oh yes, it is ‘slaying’. Is that the correct term?”

Adam, who is also learning many of these words for the first time as well, is cringing so hard in their head.

Over time his questions get more personal. Your friends, family, hobbies, etc.

He knows a lot of it already. From Adam talking about you in the cage, from his memories, and from listening to conversations you have had since reuniting. They’re both always there really, even if you’re not interacting with one directly.

But there is a difference between first-hand and second-hand experiences.

And you enjoy having someone else to talk to about these things, another perspective.

You’d grown to like his company, for an Angel he's surprisingly compassionate, at least when he wants to be anyway.

Eventually, he trusts you enough to divulge information about his own family and his very long existence.

Sometimes you would wake up in Michael’s embrace. Which wasn’t necessarily unpleasant.

Even in the dark and the silence of night, you can tell the difference.

Adam's touch is soft, warm, and comforting. He makes you feel at ease.

Michael is solid, and protective. He makes you feel safe.

Until eventually, while you don’t quite feel like you’re on par with Michael, you do feel welcome.

You like him in fact.

Maybe you like him a little too much, considering he is not your boyfriend.

Your feelings for Adam haven’t lessened at all, but how can you spend 50% of your time with Michael, who is insightful, wise, inquisitive, and so damned cute. Who makes you feel safe, and valued...

And not develop some feelings.

Which complicates things further. It puts you on edge. Makes you worried about accidentally crossing a line.

How is one supposed to act around their boyfriend when their boyfriend isn’t their boyfriend, and also you have feelings for both the boyfriend and the not boyfriend, you know? Totally relatable, right?

All those mixed feelings of inadequacy when compared to Michael and the uncertainty when spending time with him are not happy or healthy ways to feel in a relationship.

You have to broach the subject, with them both, and Michael has something to say immediately.

“We are not in competition. I can assure you Adam loves us both in different ways, in equal measure.” But he’s not Adam half the time. He’s you! You’re not Adam, you don’t love me, I don’t know how to behave around you. “Are you certain you are human?” What? “Humans are not the most astute. However, sometimes you are as dense as osmium.” Are you calling me stupid?! “I urge you to stop and consider your words for a moment. I find it incredibly upsetting and frankly offensive that you believe me to be so incapable of loving you, as foolish and naïve as you may be.”

Adam knew, the whole time. The whole damn time.

He just needed the two of you to figure it out on your own first.

There’s a lot of conversation to be had between the three of you from there.

[nukaberries]

Heyo! If it's not too much trouble, could I get the FO4 companions reacting to a Sole who's super good with wild animals? Like the animal friend and wasteland whisperer perks but they're out here cuddling wild molerats and are able to pet Deathclaws. If that's not too much to ask, thank you muchly. Love your stuff!

I don't play around with Animal Friend and Wasteland Whisperer as much as I'd like to. I did once befriend a Deathclaw in Fallout 3, who died about five seconds later. He was great while he lasted though. Anyways, I'm glad you're enjoying the requests, thank you so much! I hope this one lives up to your expectations!

//

Companions React to an Animal Loving Sole (Includes: Cait, Codsworth, Curie, Danse, Deacon, Hancock, MacCready, Nick, Piper, Preston and X6-88)

Cait She'll immediately assume that Sole has some kind of death wish the first time she sees them carelessly approaching a wild Molerat with their hand held out. It's only when Sole doesn't lose a limb to the creature that Cait finds herself somewhat impressed, although, she makes a comment about how they'll probably catch all sorts of diseases from 'that rodent'. She doesn't think too much of it afterwards, that is until she finds Sole coming back into Sanctuary with a Deathclaw in tow, it's at that point that Cait will start to question Sole's sanity. Eventually, she gets used to finding Sole hanging out with Radscorpions, as though they aren't known for killing people without hesitation. She still finds it weird and she still isn't happy about that one time she woke up to a Radroach casually jumping around her head, but it becomes one of those things about Sole that she just accepts.

Codsworth Having known Sole for as long as he has, Codsworth is no stranger to his old friend's affinity for all different kinds of animals. He can still recall the amount of stray dogs and cats that Sole had brought into their home before the war, despite their spouse worrying that one might jump up at Shaun one day. If anything, Codsworth actually likes that this is something that hasn't changed about Sole - there's a lot of bad in the Wasteland and Codsworth knows better than any of the other companions how much this new world has changed Sole, so he finds it comforting to see some aspects of him are still the same. Of course, Codsworth is still sure to keep his distance from the creatures that Sole befriends; sure, they may like Sole, but who's to say they'll feel the same way about his robot companion?

Curie She loves having the opportunity to see the creatures of the Commonwealth up close and if Sole's happy to befriend every Mirelurk in sight, then Curie is more than happy to join him. Once Sole gets an animal to settle down, they usually tend to warm up to Curie immediately after - there was an incident with a Radstag kicking her over once, Curie doesn't like to talk about it. She also finds it interesting to see how the different animals in the wasteland have adapted and mutated to their environment and is more than happy to discuss it with Sole, if they're willing to listen.

Paladin Danse Initially, he thinks that stopping to pet every abomination that they come across is a waste of both their time and he makes this very clear to Sole. He tries to shut down Sole's attempts to befriend these animals as often as he can, although sometimes he can't help but find it quite mesmerising to watch a Deathclaw peacefully wander about right before his eyes. Still, it's only when Sole manages to tame a whole pack of rabid molerats that Danse wonders if their odd love for animals isn't so bad after all, not that he'd ever swallow his pride for long enough to admit that to Sole.

Deacon He does try to get used to the idea that Sole is going to pet every dangerous, man-eating creature that they come across, but it just freaks him out way too much. The stray mongrels following them around and wanting to play fetch are cute, even he can't deny that, although he'd prefer Dogmeat over them any day, but there's no way he'll ever get used to turning around and seeing a Deathclaw following after them like a big puppy. All Deacon asks is that Sole doesn't take it personal if he leaves them to fend for themselves when it comes to dealing with animals, he'd just prefer not to give a Molerat head scratches if he can help it.

Hancock Considering Sole chose to take him on their travels, he doesn't find it all that surprising that they'd want to pick up every other ugly stray they come across too. Admittedly, it's probably one of his favourite things about travelling with Sole, he'll never warm up to any of the bugs - Mirelurks are a firm no for him - that somehow become docile in Sole's presence, but he's got a soft spot for the Molerats. He'd love to bring one back home with him, for the sake of having some company and a mascot for Goodneighbor, but he gets the feeling nobody else in town would approve of that, so for now, it stays a simple daydream for him.

MacCready Once he gets over the shock of a pack of friendly Yaoi Guais swarming him and Sole, he's immediately jealous of this strange talent his friend has and wants to know how they do it. He refuses to take Sole not knowing for an answer and makes it his life goal to befriend at least one animal out in the Wasteland, of course, this ends with a dog bite on his arm and a bruised ego, especially when Sole manages to calm down the dog that had just attacked him. After that, he figures it's best for his own safety if he leaves the animal befriending to Sole, but he does ask for his own pet Deathclaw more times than he can count - not that it'd be very practical to have around Duncan, but a man can dream.

Nick Valentine There's not a lot left in the Commonwealth that can shock Nick Valentine, he's near enough seen it all and so, although Sole is expecting a much bigger reaction from the synth detective, he just accepts it. Besides, he once came across a girl roaming Boston Commons with a Sentry Bot for a best friend, a Mirelurk Queen isn't exactly that big of a surprise in comparison. That doesn't mean he won't go out of his way to pet any animals that Sole manages to tam on their travels, his favourite was probably the Radroach that Sole taught to roll over.

Piper Wright She genuinely thinks that she's having some kind of fever dream that first time she sees it, there's no way Sole would actually be sat at their campfire with a Mutant Hound sat on their lap peacefully. After pinching herself a few times and accepting the reality in front of her, Piper doesn't hesitate to dub Sole "The Wasteland Whisperer." If anything, she likes the bonus of not having to worry about fighting off any creatures whilst they're out on their travels, she just wishes that at least someone back in Diamond City would believe her when she told them about her Vault Dweller friend who can tame even the most vicious of creatures; even Nat thinks she's full of it.

Preston Garvey The first time that Preston saw Sole tame an animal was the Deathclaw back in Concord and for a moment, he was convinced that he was already dead and he just hadn't realised yet. At first, he wasn't sure how to bring it up to Sole to question it and so he decided not to question their odd talent at all, that was until he started travelling with them and they came across a Radroach nest. Preston still can't quite believe that there's someone out there that can befriend any animal they come across no matter what, but he finds it remarkable and he really doesn't mind when Sole brings animals back to Sanctuary. He's actually rather fond of the Yaoi Guai Sole brought back after going to clear out a settlement, he just hopes that they stay friendly, for everyone's sake.

X6-88 He doesn't see the point in befriending any of the creatures out in the Wasteland, it's far better to simply put them out of their misery after the generations of mutation they've had to endure. He makes this known to Sole immediately, which seems to offend his travelling companion, after that, he decides not to comment on it at all, aside from a few eye rolls and scoffs here and there. Of course, he doesn't complain too much when it comes to having the extra back up of a Deathclaw during a fight with raiders or Super Mutants.

[rei-ismyname]

Uncanny X-Men #11 review

X-Manhunt is upon us, as everyone drops what they're doing to pay attention to almost everyone's least favourite mutant - Charles Xavier. The team dynamic is getting stranger as Rogue puts the 'danger' in Danger Room, Logan grows ever wider, and The Podcaster asks the X-Men for help.

Maybe the Podcaster is a mutant who can sense plot points

Yet another X-Book introduces a confusing dose of Space Bullshit, as Xandra, Xavier's Shi'Ar Empress daughter, is attacked by rebels. That's pretty much a Tuesday for her and it's the only kind of plot she's ever used for. Chuck's terrible parenting is the last motivation I expected for his escape, but cosmic Marvel is experiencing upheaval of late so I guess it's as good a reason as any. I'd think that Jean/Phoenix could and would solve the issue instantly, but as we'll see Xavier is not thinking clearly. Or maybe he is and this is all a trick - the narrative is not interested in answering these questions right now. It doesn't really matter that Xavier has only met his daughter once, nor is it explained why she cries to him for help. Deathbird, as usual, fails at everything she attempts. Strange that she's her only guard.

I wouldn't think prisoners crying would be a noteworthy occurrence in this hellhole, but Chuck having a heart attack would remove Graymalkin's reason for existing. I assume he's feeling the strain of telepathic communication across the galaxy plus watching his daughter's attack in real time. The Podcaster's character continues to be baffling - in a better book I'd speculate on the implications of her flat, cackling villainy.

The whole reason Xavier is locked up in the first place is because he won't keep his brain to himself. Scurvy usually keeps him locked down, but Scurvy is recovering from the thrashing Chuck gave him during the Raid. If they have the ability to sedate him/use power dampeners, why don't they use them all the time? Obviously the plot couldn't happen without it but it makes these clowns look even more incompetent than usual. He casually freed himself during the Raid and chose to stay and they've been letting him use his powers this whole time?

The imaginatively named Secret Alliance has succeeded in capturing Xandra, and she's a powerful enough telepath to contact Chuck across the galaxy but that's her best shot. Sure, he's not getting there very quickly though, unless Lila Cheney is around. Charles Xavier IS a terrible father, no doubt about it, and he admits it every so often. He never actually does anything different though, so I guess this is growth? Maybe.

Checking in with the team whose book this is ... hold up, that is the thickest Logan I've ever seen. A secondary mutation perhaps? Anyway, it looks like we're doing the makeshift Danger Room thing with the kids again. I'd love for the events of the last two issues to be discussed in some way, but that's not really how Uncanny rolls. Sure, the kids need training since they want to be doing this X-Men thing but they've just had a protracted fight to the death with killer robot dogs. Deathdream nearly died. Rogue is thinking they need to be hurt more for unexplained reasons, and I strongly doubt anyone has ever thought the Danger Room is fun. Maybe Scott.

Moonbeam orders Gambit to blow Jitter up, knocking her down and bringing fun time to an end. Really not selling Rogue as a leader here - WTF is this meant to teach anyone? Poor thing starts crying and at last a member of this team calls Rogue out, briefly. Rogue explains herself by rattling off a wiki entry on 'X-men villains' including Omega Red - who really shouldn't be there.

Sometimes, when I'm playing an RPG like Fallout or Elder Scrolls and I'm bored I'll save the game then just go to town blowing shit up and killing people. Or if I'm looking for exploits/messing with engine physics I'll just interact with objects in odd ways. That's kinda what this feels like, a random act of violence just to see some explosions. Rogue exists in a narrative and genre where suspension of disbelief is required, but I can't suspend it for this. Is Gail Simone the RPG player, maybe? It's her world. I have no idea, but it's incredibly jarring.

Ember is definitely side-eying Rogue

Training is over and nobody learned anything. Jubilee calls it and uses Cyclops as an insult. Oookay. I'm not going to bother dissecting that. This lot hate Cyclops for reasons unknown and if it hasn't been explained by now it never will. I accept it, I just think it's weak characterisation. Jubes and Kurt's disapproval is overshadowed by Ground Bear and Gambit agreeing that it was a good idea. I have to laugh at this - it's just so ridiculous. The X-Men aren't the same characters from issue to issue, let alone any kind of continuity with previous runs. They do things for reasons and everything works out fine.

No time for any character exploration - The Podcaster has sent a plane to pick them up and calls requesting help like the friends they're not. Why not? I'm not taking any of these characters seriously anyway, may as well have the X-Men collaborate with someone who threatened to blow up their town. Someone who enslaves and tortures mutants in what used to be their house.

Also, this is a thing that happens. A guard at Graymalkin just blows his family away. Not sure why a Graymalkin jackboot would shoot Sentinels, but it makes as much sense as anything else. Sure it's probably linked to the 'virus' that's going around, that's probably linked to Xavier. Or maybe it's something else entirely. This book doesn't exactly reward or incentivise speculation, so I'll just wait until they beat me over the head with it.

I was just thinking this issue could do with Sarah Gaunt in it. She's been quiet for an entire arc. Xavier asks her to free him and while she still hates him she does it anyway. I guess those comically large chains she was bound with in Raid on Graymalkin do nothing, as she can come and go as she pleases - or destroy all his restraints without moving. Doesn't matter, Chuck is out of his chains now. Nothing new about either character here and Sarah went from 'fuck you' to 'sure, I'll help you' very quickly.

Xavier opens his door to find his X-Men there to help him. It's the Uncanny team but he sees them as a warped version of the O5. They're here for ... I don't know why they're here tbh. The tumor mentioned by Scurvy is apparently a thing, I'm just not sure what these folks are meant to do about that. That he's hallucinating is new. I feel like the sedative would have been enough to sell it, though I have been saying that Xavier is going to die for a while now. Rehabilitation through death, it's a Xavier classic. Tumours are already mutations so I don't know what a mutant tumour is meant to be. Maybe The Avians are related to The Shi'Ar after all.

Chuck starts barking orders like the good old days, listening to no-one and blasting Rogue when she tries to reason with him. Not sure what the X-Men's motivation is here.

'Goblin?' Really? Xavier is acting very differently to how he does in NYX or Storm. I mean, he's imperious and manipulative but he seems lucid in those books. Rogue lampshades her previous desire to free him at all costs while thinking that they're here to keep him in prison. Again, it's bizarre that Graymalkin has no other means of dealing with this guy, and The Podcaster called the team least aligned with her goals. Maybe she doesn't have Cyclops' number.

Xavier certainly has the Uncanny team's number, thrashing them easily and bailing. He's not concerned about the tumor right now (in fact he doesn't believe it despite already knowing) - he's all in on Xandra. That the tumor is eating his telepathic control comes out of nowhere and isn't explained. This mystery box approach is very on brand, but at the end of the issue not much has actually happened.

'With a terminal tumor sending his telepathy haywire, Charles Xavier has escaped Graymalkin! Answering a psychic distress call from his Shi'Ar daughter, the X-Men will have to grapple with blah blah blah, nothing will be the same again.' There's all the context you need to read the next part of X-Manhunt, and the Uncanny X-Men weren't a big part of the book. What little did happen will surely be forgotten, making issue #11 very skippable. From The Ashes was very committed to keeping the individual books separate from each other, yet the second crossover has just begun.

Feels like trying to have it both ways and just resulting in neither getting enough page time. I've accepted that this book is not trying to be more than a fun time, but I have to wonder how sustainable it is. As other, better books are getting cancelled it's difficult to not be a little disappointed. Hopefully when this Xavier nonsense is wrapped up we can get back to The Outliers being arbitrarily blown up. In the meantime, at least it looks good - wide Logan and all. :)

[pinkysberg]

silver linings

read on ao3

sadie adler/abigail (roberts) marston

wordcount: ~1.7k

tags: pining, slice of life, romantic tension, lesbian sadie adler (it’s not important but that is how i write her), implied lavender marriage adlers, otherwise canon compliant

summary: in which sadie pines for abigail

a/n: they mean sm to me. u don’t understand

Adjusting to being in a gang comes easier when Sadie’s allowed to act like she’s in a gang. She discovers it's a remarkable outlet for the bubbling rage she’s always sitting on. It seems that it's favourable to let her lose on the gang’s adversaries rather than their own. Pulling a knife on the camp cook was the final straw apparently, and had Sadie known that’s all it’d take to get her out of washing dishes and doing laundry, she’d have tried to stab Simon Pearson weeks ago.

Sadie’s shot a gun plenty before this, even pointed one at men up in the mountains who thought she’d be easy to push around as a lone lady on the trail. However, she hadn’t killed a man until her first shopping trip into Rhodes with Arthur Morgan. She thought it’d be hard, taking life, but it wasn’t. It was as though she’d been waiting for the moment since she saw Jake’s body hit the floor of their cabin. She wanted to make the world pay for what it’d done to Jake. For what it’d done to her.

She isn't crying so often now, which she thinks must be a good thing but she feels guilty for it. Like she should still be inconsolable. The tears have subsided but they’re not gone. They’re simmering with the rage, waiting to boil over. Sometimes she has nightmares that wake her in the middle of the night, her breathing rapid and face wet with unconcious tears. She goes for walks and finds herself by the shore of their camp watching the tide roll. Sometimes her mind drifts away, to the mountains, and she swears she can feel hands on her, the icy air bristling at her skin, only to be brought back to reality by the camp’s ambience.

Attempts are made at trying to socialize with some of the others around camp, but the only person she really gets along with and finds herself choosing to be around is Abigail. And if she felt guilty for being beyond constant tears, she certainly feels guilty when she brings Abigail a coffee in the morning and joins her to watch the morning sun dance on the river.

Abigail watches Jack play in the gravel shore and Sadie watches Abigail. Sometimes their morning coffee is quiet, no words shared between them and even still, it's enjoyable. Other times they make small talk. Sadie learns about Abigail’s past, with work, with the gang, with John.

John Marston is a fool, she’s decided. Any man who can't see what he has in front of him with Abigail is a god forsaken fool, especially when she’s so dead set on sticking by him. Those are the discussions Sadie cares less for and they end up being the most frequent.

“I don't know what I have to do for him to get it.” Abigail sighs one morning, staring down into her coffee.

Sadie watches Jack in her stead. She shrugs; Realistically she’s not so sure that if John hasn’t gotten it by now that he ever would. Though, she knows that may not be the right thing to say.

“He’s a fool.” Is all she supplies.

“Sometimes I think of just…givin’ up. Taking off with Jack and leaving him behind…seems like that's what he wants, anyway.” Abigail mutters.

Sadie knows Abigail loves John. More than she ought to, in her opinion. She wouldn't be happy if she left John behind and she knows Abigail’s not so naive to think she could make a stable life for herself and the boy on her own.

“He’s a fool,” Sadie repeats, “but…he’ll figure it out.” She offers.

Abigail scoffs. “I’m not so sure.”

Sadie isn't either. “You’ve got help. You don't need him.” She tries instead.

Abigail sighs wistfully. “I know…but I want him…and maybe that makes me a fool.”

Love makes a fool of everyone, Sadie supposes. She’s never been a fool in that respect, she wasn’t truly ever able to be. The opportunity was never afforded to her. The love she had with Jake was the most practical decision she’d ever made.

“Maybe.” Sadie agrees.

Abigail shoots her a look, her brow furrowed but the corner of her mouth is quirked up. Sadie smiles back and it's small and fond. God, maybe she is a fool. Looking away, she looks back to Jack who’s throwing rocks into the water now.

Sadie sets her coffee down on the log next to Abigail and approaches Jack’s side. She crouches to his level.

“Y’ever skipped rocks?” She asks him.

“Skip rocks?” He looks up at her with wide, curious eyes.

Sadie collects a smooth, flat stone from the ground and holds it up for Jack to see. “You want a rock like this, see? Then you hold it like this.” She angles her wrist so the rock is aligned with the water. “And you just flick it.” She instructs as she sends the rock skipping over the water surface.

Jack gasps and looks up at Sadie. “Wow!” He exclaims.

“If the water’s frozen it’s even cooler. Makes a neat sound.” She says to him.

“Can I try?” He asks her.

With a chuckle, Sadie shrugs and gestures to the ground. “Find a rock.” She says to him.

Jack spends the next while skipping rocks - or rather, trying to. Abigail offers a thankful smile to Sadie for the time she doesn't have to spend finding ways to entertain a four-year-old.

Children were never something Sadie had considered, and she assumes Jake hadn’t either. It never really came up. She wasn't warm and nurturing - not like Abigail. Her edges are rough and her hands are calloused. She lacks patience. Maybe that’s something you learn, though. Sadie wonders if Abigail was always this gentle, always this nurturing, or if she had to learn.

“You’re good with him.” Abigail compliments.

“Ah,” Sadie shrugs. “S’nothin.” She says. “I had a nephew, ‘bout Jack’s age when I last saw him.” She shares mindlessly.

Abigail’s quiet for a moment before she looks at Sadie with an unassuming expression. “I didn't think you had any family.” She says.

Sadie sighs. She doesn't. Not really, anyway - none that associate with her. Though it's not as though she associates with them either. She had never really seen eye to eye with any of her family. Eventually it became clear to them that she was always hiding from them. She couldn't bear to lie to them but she also felt she had to lie to them - for their sake and for her own. Sadie stopped writing first, but eventually they stopped asking after her. She couldn't very well show up on her sister’s doorstep after all this time.

“I…We’re…estranged.” She explains. “Long story.” Except it isn't, really.

“Oh,” Abigail nods. “I’m sorry.”

Sadie shakes her head and gives Abigail a tight smile. She had grown accustomed to loneliness.

They drift back into quiet company, wordlessly watching Jack attempt to skip rocks. Abigail smiles and claps when he manages to get a stone to skip over the surface of the water, even if it's only once or twice. Eventually, though, his attention wanes and he's wandering off towards the centre of camp. Abigail gives Sadie a soft smile before she follows her son. Sadie watches her go and she feels foolish.

Later that evening she finds herself back on that same log, looking out over the water bathed bright magenta with the setting sun. Most nights she finds herself reminiscing about Jake and their perfect little life - for all the things it could have never been, it was perfect nonetheless. Long ago, Sadie had made peace with being safe over unfulfilled. Safety, though, was no longer a luxury she was afforded. Here in the brush, surrounded by folks who’s care for social expectations seemed to be non existent, Sadie finds her mind dwelling on thoughts of Abigail instead of memories of Jake.

She thinks about Abigail until she’s thinking about John, somehow. There are some choice words for a man like him. Being forced to watch him turn away from Abigail’s affections is akin to watching Jake try to chop wood with his legs together. She’d rather just take over. Though, this isn't a time where she can fondly lay a hand on someone’s shoulder and they’ll just hand her the axe. So she sits in agony and waits for John to swing a blade into his own foot.

Once night falls, foot steps in the gravel behind Sadie pulls her attention over her shoulder. Abigail Roberts approaches, no Jack in tow. Sadie cannot help the smile that works it's way onto her face at the mere sight of her.

“Mrs. Adler,” Abigail chirps in greeting, returning the smile.

“Miss Roberts.”

“Would you mind some company?” She offers, coming to stand next to where Sadie sits.

Hazel eyes gleam up at sparkling cerulean, even in the dark they're bright and bold. Sadie nods.

“Could never mind your company.” Sadie returns, sounding perhaps a touch more inviting than she’d intended.

Abigail giggles, something soft. If Sadie were more credulous, she’d almost characterize the sound as fond. Abigail sits with a sigh, next to Sadie with hardly any space between them. Their knees could knock together if Sadie twisted her hip ever so slightly. Her heart skips a beat in her chest at the proximity.

“I like this new get up.” Abigail remarks, noting Sadie’s new pants. It's a change from the borrowed skirts she’d been wearing.

She’s thankful for the cover of darkness that hides the way her cheeks rouge at the comment. “Yea?” Sadie asks.

“Suits you.” She nods, bumping their shoulders gently. “Seems like all this suits you.” Abigail murmurs, gesturing around them.

Maybe there's truth to that. It certainly suits her better than chopping vegetables. “Hmph.” Sadie chuckles in response.

After a moment, Abigail rests her head on Sadie’s shoulder unprompted. Instinctively, Sadie goes rigid, unsure what to make of the moment. Abigail only sighs and relaxes further, which draws some of the tension out of Sadie.

“It ain’t fair to say, but,” Abigail hesitates, “but I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad to have met you, at least.”

Warmth blooms within Sadie’s chest. Maybe it isn't fair, given just what it took to bring them together but she cannot deny that she’s equally as glad to have met Abigail. She rests her head against Abigail’s where it lays on her shoulder.

“Meeting you has certainly been a silver lining.”

[gonzo-rella]

Headcanons: Starting Your Freshman Year at Greendale and Joining the Study Group

MASTERLIST | AO3

Requested by: Anon

Headcanons for being a new freshman at Greendale and becoming a member of the study group?

Ohh sorry i didn’t clarify! it doesn’t matter to me, i just liked the idea of the reader kinda being the baby of the group, so maybe everyone is in their later years at greendale?

Relationship(s): The Study Group (Jeff, Britta, Annie, Troy, Abed, Shirley and Pierce) x gn!reader (platonic)

Warnings: References to underage drinking. (Let me know if I need to add any)

(A/N: I started writing this literal years ago, but I rewatched the Community Christmas episodes today and it’s made me want to rewatch all of Community and start writing for it again. Not enough people write for it, and not enough people write gender-neutral-reader fics. This was like 90% done so it was a good place to start again. I went with making it so the reader joins the Study Group during season 3, since I had the idea of using the reader to replace Todd in the episode where none of them want to work with him. I haven’t followed the canon of season 3 verbatim, since it’d have made writing this kinda difficult (plus I haven’t seen season 3 in years). So, this is more general. I’m hoping to work through my list of Community requests from years ago throughout 2024, since I’m hoping to get more into the habit of putting aside time for writing.)

When you decided on taking Biology 101 during your first semester at Greendale, you were bound to learn of (and witness first hand) the notorious Study Group.

Your hope that you wouldn’t be roped into their borderline-narcissistic antics was killed when you were given Pierce Hawthorne as your lab partner.

To say he was annoyed would be an understatement.

Oh boy, did he make it known that he abhorred having to be your lab partner.

In fact, most of them seemed to hate the idea of being stuck as your partner, which was at least a little hurtful.

When Abed rearranged the lab partner pairings based on some mental computer wizardry, you got put with Jeff, who was a bit more subtle with his annoyance.

You spent most of that night standing there awkwardly while Shirley cried about being the least popular member of the Study Group, or trying to be some kind of mediator between these friends who you knew only from rumours and observing them.

You also had to rescue a turtle from being burned alive by Britta, which sent you over the edge into a fit of fury.

Annie was the one who apologised to you for everything, and, much to the chagrin of everyone else, invited you to join the study group.

Perhaps she didn’t expect you to take her up on the offer, but you did anyway.

Your first study session with them made them realise that you fit in well with the group.

Even Abed liked your presence, because he believed it ‘changed the status quo without being like when sitcoms add a kid character in a desperate attempt to boost the ratings’.

(He compared you to Frasier from Cheers)

For a while, though, you did feel a little isolated from the group, considering you were often the only one to comment negatively on the group’s questionable behaviour, which they saw as perfectly normal.

However, you adjusted to being in the group alarmingly fast, to the point of getting carried away in the Study Group mentality like the rest of them.

As the baby of the group, you were treated as such, despite being at least a bit more mature than Troy and Abed.

For example, if Jeff and Britta were in the middle of a heated discussion, you’d be told to ‘stay out of it’.

Abed, early on, would analyse you to figure out how exactly you fit into the group, such as deciding what archetype best describes you.

There’s also a chance that he would create and manipulate situations in order to test your personality.

Jeff would shut this down as soon as he figured out what Abed was doing.

In an effort to try and include you more, Annie would force each member of the Study Group to do an activity with you. 

Annie invited you to a one-on-one study session.

(Also, if you’re taking any classes that she took in her first or second year, she’ll lend you her old materials, like notes, textbooks, study cards etc.)

Shirley took you to the mall with her and her kids, treating you like one of her own kids.

Troy and Abed introduced you to Inspector Spacetime, which you quickly became a big fan of.

(Watching it became a Saturday night ritual for the three of you)

Britta brought you along to a protest which ended in the both of you in jail.

(An irritated Jeff would have to come bail you both out, and Britta would beg him not to say anything about it to Shirley or Annie)

Pierce gave you $1000 to tell Annie that he’d taken you to the zoo.

Jeff invited you over to his apartment for beers, which resulted in you both getting wasted and having a tearful heart-to-heart with one another.

Despite adopting the Study Group mentality to a certain degree, you would be the least susceptible to the group’s dumbassery due to joining so late, which meant you’d often be the one to pull the group out of the stupid shit they were doing.

At the very least, you’d pull Jeff out of it, and he’d take the lead and sort out everyone else.

If you weren’t that close to your family, you’d probably spend holidays over at Shirley’s upon her insistence.

(I love love love the idea that she makes a custom Christmas stocking for you the first year you come over)

In a weird way, the Study Group became your family, albeit a dysfunctional one.

After your friends all graduated, you stayed in touch with most of them, even before you were reunited because of the Save Greendale Committee.

It’s safe to say that, even if you do join late, you’re still accepted as one of them, for better or for worse.

[poeticsandaliens]

Aight so I keep seeing these discussions about what the Arcane creators did and didn't say and whether that means Jayce and Viktor are canon platonic or romantic or some secret third thing and I would like to make a case for ignoring irrelevant things that writers say in an attempt to clarify their creation. And I say these words as a writer who peppers my AO3 shit with random endnotes commenting on my creations, which you can feel free to throw in the trash.

I'm not arguing that we should all just clamp down our ears and go lalalala, nor am I arguing for full-on Death of the Author. I just think if a storyteller has to clarify a textual detail in an interview or on Twitter (looking at you Joanne) then it doesn't actually matter. Because if the creator CARES that much about how we as an audience interpret that detail they should put it into the fucking text. If it matters that much to the text it should be in the text. And if it's not in the text then it doesn't really matter and I'll go on interpreting. This especially goes for taxonomizing murky relationships. We often desire taxonomy, but ambiguity can say compelling things about the way we navigate human connection.

Like there're shades of gray to this. But specifically with respect to Arcane I'll argue that a creator actually gets no bearing on whether you read Jayce and Viktor as erotic or platonic or whatever. Because they chose to tell a story about the power of love and part of that archetype is its slipperiness. Love to the point of literal cosmic singularity. Soul-bonding shit. It doesn't matter to the text whether they're having filthy lab sex in our imaginations.

Normally I wouldn't write a little thesis about it, but I adore love stories where love is hard to pin down. And this reminds me of Achilles and Patroclus. Classicists will argue forever about whether or not they were fucking, and we'll get into historical context, and Athenian traditions that post-date them, and so on. And it's a fun conversation but it's also deeply not the point. I read Achilles and Patroclus as a complicated slippery relationship where war and love and lust get their wires crossed and you've known someone so deeply for so long you can't HELP but cling to them body and soul. But what's so interesting is that clinging body and soul can be any combination of sexual/erotic/platonic/worship/etc. I read them quite erotically but what matters to me in the end isn't whether they're fucking it's how wholly and wildly they loved each other. What matters isn't the taxonomy; it's that when Patroclus died, Achilles dragged Hector's mangled corpse behind his chariot in a fit of grief and feral rage.

Anyway I feel very normal about this.

[monstersinthecosmos]

Do you think Marius still loves Armand in the last books? Does he want Armand to return to him? Marius seemed to have left him in the past

The short answer is YEAH OF COUSRE HE LOVES ARMAND TO DEATH but let’s talk about this for a minute!

The question of whether or not Marius loves him is the easier one to answer. Armand is one of the great loves of Marius’s life! In the beginning of TVA (when he’s just spent however much time thinking Armand is dead) he’s a DISHEVELED MESS! And at the beginning of B&G he’s super lonely and isolated and seems worried about stuff he’s done recently and people in his life being mad at him. (Benji & Sybelle Incident? Something else?) I think when you look at a vampire like Marius, it’s remarkable that he makes it 2000 years only turning THREE fledglings (not counting when we get to B+S and Viktor bc that gets into like, vampire favors and isn’t really for himself LOL), vs a character like Lestat who made 3 fledglings in his first 11 years. These are the great loves of Marius’s life and not decisions he made lightly! And while I think we can (and have) sort of untangled selfish vs. selfless love in Marius’s life, I think it’s really important that 500 years later he couldn’t forgive Santino. Is that on his own behalf alone or on Armand’s? There’s a lot of unpack but! He loves Armand! He does!!!!!

But anyway on the topic of returning to each other;

I think their last conversation in BCtu sort of opens a door that they’re going to speak to each and work things out. Canonically, that’s all the information we get. We also never explicitly get information about like, what exactly is wrong between them presently. We know that

they had a big fight at the end of TVA but that they calmed down

Armand has been afraid of Marius because he's scared that Marius doesn't still love him like he used to

in ROA Marius said he had the savage & ignorant soul of a child.

I always assume there's just 500 years of tension and conversations they've avoided, but we also never get a confirmation that they HAVEN'T had these conversations off screen anyway. So canonically, all we know is that they just had a traumatic experience and want to talk to each other.

Also canonically, they’re making another attempt at Vampire Commune and we don’t have an answer of like, will it stick this time, will it dissolve like Night Island, is it sustainable AT ALL to have a small group of the elite making rules and holding dominion over an entire culture???????? Reader’s choice lol.

But it leaves a question of like, what does returning to each other look like in this setup—they’re in touch now, they can find each other, they have cell phones, Armand can come and go at the Château as needed, Marius has a room at Trinity Gate, etc. Their relationship is civil and functional at this point. And does “returning” mean to be exclusive companions and to fuck off? Will Marius leave Court? Will Armand come and stay more often?  Idk ! 

These are questions that have 100 different answers because it’s all headcanon, but, what we know by the end of the series is that they’ve gone through something traumatic and Armand and Marius are going to talk to each other. What is that conversation about? What is the result? We don’t know. Armand is letting his FEELINGS THE FUCK OUT in this book as if he's had therapy, and Marius says he thinks Armand is ready to open his heart, if that gives us any clues! But does opening his heart mean "I am feeling vulnerable and brave to tell you how I feel because I almost lost you" or "I'm gonna read you the fuckin riot act because I did that to Lestat as well" ? lol Either way the thing here is that it's ARMAND'S decision and not about whether or not Marius left him in the past.

I think something that often goes overlooked in character discussions is their inherent inhumanity, and I really dislike the “thEyRe MonStErs” easy out of a lot of analyses, because it’s more than that. The entire purpose of the series and the reason the series was unique is that built a world where they’re MORE THAN. It’s not about simply being a monster—there’s nothing simple about it. And not being human doesn’t mean it’s all negative and all evil. What it means is that it’s Extra. They feel things on such a deeper level than we do, their brains function differently, and they’re immortal. They have all the time in the world to forgive each other when they want to, and they’re social creatures who want companions! The older you are, the scarier it is! It’s horror! Like even Marius’s relationship with Mael is so fucking special because like, as much as they put each other off, it’s like, someone they each still have, that’s been constant, and the world would look so different without them.

It just reminded me of this line in Six Feet Under (sorry I’m obsessed, I think everything always comes back to SFU for me LOL) but when Brenda says she used to think as she got older that she’d have more people in her life and that the opposite was true. So anyway for Marius like, regardless of if we want to get into selfish/selfless, Armand is one of the most important people in his life, and has been around for a quarter of Marius’s life, and nothing would be the same if Armand wasn’t around. 

And without the distraction of The Parents in the modern age I wonder if he’s like especially fragile and traumatized about losing people? Is he still traumatized by losing Pandora? And losing Armand the first time? It’s great that they have cell phones and a community now so no one gets too far from each other, but gosh.  

I don’t know what returning to each other looks like, as far as where canon left. Like, does the Château collapse? Is Daniel with them? Asking if Marius wants it is like, yeah maybe he would want Armand around Court more for moral support. And maybe if he decides to step away, and get space, maybe he would want Armand there with him as a safe place to land. When the Court inevitably collapses, will he want someone around? 

In the past, Marius tended to isolate himself in times of stress; is he still like that? Has the loss of The Parents changed this for him? Will Daniel and Armand allow him to isolate? Idk ! !!! 

But anyway sorry I’m rambling but my point about not being human and about being Extra is that there are a lot of parts in the series where vampires have a relationship or forgive each other even after they’ve deeply hurt each other or committed atrocities. Louis and Armand come to mind, so do Louis and Lestat, David and Lestat, Pandora and Santino. Even Marius calming down enough to be in his situationship with Avicus and sorta metamour to Mael. They are not human, they are capable of forgiveness. There are atrocities that humans are capable of never forgiving because we don’t have time to get over it. How can we even know how much time it takes to heal a grudge if we don’t live long enough to test it?

Even knowing that, 500 years still wasn’t enough to forgive Santino for what he did to them. Like sure if we wanna dunk on Marius and remind ourselves that he’s an arrogant self-centered jerk sometimes, and we could say that he’s mad at Santino for what he did to MARIUS—it’s not just the ego this time. He took Armand. He separated Marius and Armand. He destroyed their home. And even if they cooperated a few times in the 20th century, by the time B&G happens, he's been able to read TVA and knows what happened, what Santino did to him, what he did to the boys. (Like, did Marius read TVA? Did Armand ever tell him this privately? We don't know! But we do know that this is now been published for EVERYONE to read which is probably re-traumatizing for everyone involved and now everyone knows hajkgsdl)

So anyway, like. I know this has kinda been a non-answer because we’re talking about stuff that didn’t happen in canon and everything past BCtu is going to be our own headcanons. But I can say: Yes, Marius loves Armand deeply, and vampires are capable of incredible levels of empathy and forgiveness for each other, because their lives are too long and bleak and painful not to.

As to the idea that Marius left him in the past, personally I don’t agree! 

Marius not rescuing Armand from the cult is often misunderstood in fandom, but I could see why someone would point to that as a clue that Marius has left him in the past. It’s not that simple, though. Marius is too injured to save him, doesn’t even know if he’s alive,  and by the time he finally finds Armand he finds the cult situation too complicated to navigate. Don’t forget that Marius has pretty severe religious trauma, and is one of the characters who was turned against his will. By a cult!!! So to see Armand thriving with a cult is so triggering and disappointing, and I don’t think he’s strong enough to risk being rejected if he goes to rescue Armand only to learn he no longer wishes to be rescued. 

I would say that’s very unlike leaving him in the past, it’s more like seeing him as another one that got away. 

And then when they reunite in QOTD it’s during another extremely traumatic event in Marius’s life—we don’t know details about how everyone left Night Island or where everyone went, but what we DO know is that Marius lost The Parents—>Armand attempts suicide about a decade later—>Marius commits the big B+S Fuckup shortly after learning Armand is okay—>Marius fucks off to Scandinavia with Daniel to lick his wounds because everyone’s mad at him. 

VC skips around a LOT, and there’s so much that we don’t learn about, so much that happens between books and off screen. Like, we don’t KNOW how Marius wound up with Daniel. We don’t know exactly how much longer he stuck around in New Orleans after TVA, we don’t know what he and Armand were gonna talk about in BCtu before the series ended. And that’s the enD oF IT THERE’S NOTHING ELSE!

Marius truly doesn’t leave anything in the past, that’s the thing about him.

He’s still traumatized by the way he was turned. He still tries to sculpt his identity around what his life was as a Roman. He committed to the burden of The Parents for 2000 years, even when he was overwhelmed and wished he could stop. He spends centuries painting Pandora’s face over and over and over when he can’t find her. He still thinks Mael is a bumbling redneck from the woods. He still wanted Santino killed, even when they’d been civil with each other in QOTD and up to TVA.

And in BCtu when he’s living at Court he’s like, trying to embrace himself, allowing himself to be a weirdo because he’s around his own kind now. HE QUITS PANTS, YOU KNOW WHAT? HE ALWAYS HATED PANTS, LET’S NOT. 

I think even as humans there are so many things that shape us forever, that we never really move past. Even when we leave something in the past, it shapes us, it allows us to leave it in the past. People and events in our lives carve into us, whether we like it or not!!! And part of the horror of immortality is that it goes on, and on, and on, and on, your physical body gets hard and cold and monstrous, more and more uncanny, physically impervious, but their BRAINS AND HEARTS ARE STILL TENDER!! 

So no, no, I really don’t think Marius ever left Armand in the past. I think he left him to the cult because he thought Armand wanted it, I also think he gave Armand space after a disastrous fuckup. When he goes to speak to him at the end, he says it like ARMAND is the one that’s ready. He’s waiting for Armand! Marius was there the whole time, ready to be called upon if someone needs him! He lives to serve! 

Armand was his baby and one of the great loves of his life, the first (and only) fledgling he made because he truly wanted to. Marius loves him so much!!! 

[physalian]

On Punishing your Characters with SA

***Trigger warning for discussion of SA in fiction***

Because I am still recovering from the bizarre alternate reality I fell into where “SA is hot and if you were a survivor you’d think so too” is at all an acceptable and defensible stance to take, I want to talk about punishing your characters, and the means through which we go about it.

This post is NOT condemning stories that go “we know this is awful, you’re here because it’s awful, we’re all gonna have a good time with it anyway”. Or, your usual Dead Dove.

This is instead critiquing stories (and their authors) who either think:

SA is kinky

SA is just a run of the mill thing that happens in adult fiction, especially fantasy, it’s par for the course

If you’re a fan of either or both and plan to attempt to justify them, you have been warned, turn back now. My tolerance for harassment about this is at an all-time low.

Disclaimer:

I am not hating on BDSM or a character whose kink is feeling helpless and controlled. BDSM is, after all, consensual, and there’s mutual respect involved. Nor am I hating on a character who is attempting to self-medicate in a harmful way and they and the narrative know it.

Keywords being: Consent, mutual respect, and self-awareness

Which is completely lost in stories that either romanticize SA or toss it in there for shits and giggles and cheap drama.

—

In fantasy in particular, rampant SA is kind of ridiculous and getting worse. It may be for “mature audiences” but often the stuff written for kids and families has more “mature storytelling” in that it can show you horrible things without being gratuitously r*pey. Characters suffer other hardships and get the same point across.

And SA is one on the list of many things in fiction that usually isn’t written with the grim reality of a realistic aftermath. Things like broken bones that heal with supernatural speed, head injuries with cherry-picked symptoms, and grief and mourning.

We don’t want to derail the whole narrative to focus on the nitty gritty recovery period of a one-time event that moves characters from A to B. That’s just how fiction works. They absolutely deserve to be written better with proper awareness and understanding, they’re just not what this post is about.

But SA is different, because it’s often treated like this horrible threat, this scandalous thing…while then not being written with the respect and tact it deserves, written like a character merely got tortured, interchangeable with any other kind of suffering but with ~titillating undertones~.

Because, odds are, the average person won’t ever know what it’s like to be tortured, or suffer debilitating injuries from an accident, or have to live with the long-term disabilities of a major head trauma or coma. But far too many of us do know SA intimately, and the flippant way it’s tossed around in fiction will never sit right with me, especially when it’s romanticized and glorified.

So in short, I’d like authors who toss it on like a garnish to pause and think: Are you prepared to write the consequences of the situations you throw your characters into? If not, then write something else.

There is of course many levels to including SA in fiction, and its importance in the story should be proportional to the effect it has on a character’s arc and how much time is spent discussing with it and dealing with it, as with any element of backstory.

Having it be a distant memory in a side character’s backstory as just A Thing that happened to them years ago should demand, bare minimum, a cracking of that character’s worldview. Otherwise, why is it here? What purpose does it serve other than to be tragic, and why is it SA over straight-up torture or any other tragedy?

If it’s just another incident and this character grew up with or is surrounded by those who take advantage of them (first of all, writer beware, that is a daunting story to tackle) the trauma of this individual event might be insignificant to them in the grand scheme of things, but it should still matter to them and how they see themselves and how they interact with those around them. Otherwise, why is it here? What purpose does it serve other than to be tragic, and why is it SA over straight-up torture or any other tragedy?

And if you’re setting up a character’s first encounter with SA, however horrific it is, or it’s this encounter with this character that makes it unique, and it’s going to be a big moment for them and the story, it had better fucking matter to them once it’s over. Otherwise, why is it here? What purpose does it serve other than to be tragic, and why is it SA over straight-up torture or any other tragedy?

It's a whole different world if this is a Stockholm syndrome story, where it is very, very clear that this relationship is fucked-up, but the character has no idea and they themselves romanticize and glorify their abuser—in those stories, it is understood that they’re an unreliable narrator and that their thoughts on what’s happening do not align with the author’s. (Most of the time. People unironically and uncritically love and want to have relationships like Harley Quinn and the Joker, without having any experience on what it’s actually like, but most of the time the comic writer tries to make it clear that she’s a victim. Most of the time).

—

I have two characters in two different WIPs who suffer this, more than once. A handles it a lot better than B. More time has passed and the perpetrator for A was a clear cut villain, while B's was someone they trusted. Neither spends every waking moment defining themselves by their abuser, but the impact of what happened to them shows up in multifaceted ways.

A is self-conscious about their body, as it still bears marks from that encounter. Some intimate things they used to enjoy or would have enjoyed are now off-limits. Certain conversation topics are triggering. And because everybody knows, they have a permanent reputation they can never escape, hanging over them even when nobody mentions it. They have mostly healed emotionally and have healthy romantic relationships, but it’s not something they’re ever going to forget.

B blames themselves and any chance at physical intimacy is now lost to them, though they were already asexual to begin with. They’ve told no one and anyone who would guess or might know, they’ve lied to, to protect their abuser. The SA happened among other hellish circumstances, when they have nightmares, it’s all tangled up together. But they’re also quiet and kind and thoughtful and you’d never know unless you knew.

Did I have to give SA as a backstory to both characters? No. I didn’t have to, I chose to, understanding the responsibility involved, and for these two characters and how it impacts them, SA can’t be exchanged for any other violence. It’s SA, specifically, that hurt them so badly.

People react to and adapt from and heal from SA in different ways and not everyone all the time suffers daily reminders of it—those two characters don’t—but even something as simple as having that survivor always keeping their door locked, or always having their back to the wall of a room so no one can sneak up behind them, or wearing more layers than necessary, or if they are a little bit shy or skittish or skeptical, at least shows that you, as the author, tried?

You didn’t just write it in a vacuum? You acknowledged that SA is its own kind of horror?

And lastly: If you’re using SA as a way to punish your characters’ choices, whether it’s the narrative punishing them for being painfully naïve and stubborn, the villain who “deserves it”, or a symbolic death of innocence, just please be prepared for pushback from your audience if your message is: There are situations where SA is the victim’s fault and deserved.

You don’t have to spend pages and pages distracting from the plot, but if you’re going to have your character assaulted, you owe it to them to let them hurt and heal.

Otherwise, why is it here?

[cuddytism]

for the choose violence ask game: any 2 questions you want to answer :3

ooo ooo fun. i think i'm gonna go with 8 & 16

#8 : common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

cuddy fandom characterization!!!!! i think a lot of the fandom tends to lean way too far into cuddy being nurturing or "motherly" in their depictions of her. which is very funny lol. because she really isn't. she's actually very indifferent (borderline avoidant, one could argue) to the personal lives of her employees. she comes of as antagonistic towards them more often than she is nurturing. i think the biggest example of this is her relationship with cameron in the first three seasons. where she is especially harsh to her when, i think, if the fandom's interpretation of cuddy was true, she would likely go the easiest on cameron, due to their similarities and cameron's position as the odd-woman-out in the team.

this is not to say that cuddy isn't a good mother. because she is! but she can be a good mother and also not have those qualities extend to the people she employs (whom she has very little personal relationship with lol.)

ALSO. since we're here. the idea that cuddy is weak-willed / lets house walk all over her, which even the show can lean into at times. and it's just. not correct. as per The Right Stuff, we know that the main reason cuddy lets house do the insane things he does is because his explanations make sense to her, in a way that they do not to a majority of people. which is what sets ppth/cuddy herself apart from the rest of the in-universe medical world. season 4 tackles this really well and i'm hoping to write more about it. but anyway. cuddy is not as easily manipulated / weak-willed as many think her to be, she just... understands house's brand of insanity.

#16 : you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

ok. people are not going to like this one. but the trans/lesbian cuddy headcanons. i see both of these a lot and they lowkey get on my nerves but i get a little scared of critiquing them out of fear of being called -phobic (which is funny as i . am a lesbian and also trans . ) but i'm going to use this as an attempt to articulate it. (though, i'm going to focus mainly on the trans one here because the themes i refer to are much more prevalent where i am at currently in the show, whereas the sexuality stuff is explored more later on. though i can definitely make a different post discussing that if anyone's interested ^_^)

i think that these headcanons only really have merit if you've only watched the first season lol. because post-season 1, not only is cuddy being a cisgender woman incredibly crucial to her story, but so is her attraction to house (though, to a lesser extent at that point), who is a man. i've seen arguments against this, writing it off as unimportant, mostly with the belief that the argument is only rooted in 'she canonically has a uterus/persues ivf/etc' and that that alone isn't a good enough reason to keep people from headcanoning what they want.

and i see the appeal of that argument. if it were true! but... it isn't. cuddy's infertility (i'm really on this train recently, huh?) and what it means for her character is the real root here. making her transfem waters down all of the intricacies that come with that. because with that, instead of her infertility -- and how it deeply wounds her and affects her view of herself/her life -- being something that is important to her character, it is just a side effect of her being a trans woman. it's watered down completely. there is nothing to grapple with there, because trans women know they cannot get pregnant, but for a cis woman -- cuddy, specifically --, being infertile can feel like a personal failure. a betrayal of the body for the one thing it was built to do. there's a lot of neat character stuff there (which i alluded to a bit in my last post). and that headcanon completely writes it off.

add the fact that this storyline is basically the only main cuddy storyline that we get outside of her attraction to house, and... yeah, i don't like it being written off for the sake of a headcanon. sorry. this alone changes (erases) so much of her character on a fundamental level.

not to say that trans people cannot have complicated relationships to parenthood, and that there shouldn't be stories that reflect that (there absolutely should), but i am saying that cuddy's story isn't one of them! and i think it's disrespectful to the writing of the show/cuddy as a character, cis women whose stories cuddy reflects, and trans women who do struggle with their relationships to motherhood, to try to act like it is.

and then there's also the people who say shit like "it explains why she's an endocrinologist and infertile" and to those people i say: i don't respect you enough to write another argument.

thank you for the ask :))) i got very ramble-y here oops.