#anyway im tired and i have stuff i have to do but i feel like the world is imploding around my ears
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thoughts on going to parties with nat? like the party in the pilot episode, jackie defo labels these parties âcompulsory team buildingâ in order to get the whole team to come (i can hear shauna rolling her eyes)
omg imagine pre-dating and thereâs a game of 7 minutes in heaven and you spin the bottle and it lands on her and she can see youâre all nervous and stuff, so after jackie shoves you into a wardrobe or something she says you donât have to do this but of course you say itâs fine and you will, (cus sheâs so damn hot) sheâd defo be gentle with you anyway and ease you into it. itâs like canon for me that she cups cheeks as she kisses, im pretty sure she does that when kissing travis in season 1?
even imagine going to these stupid high school parties whilst dating and just sitting to the side of a room with her and making fun of jeff and randy being idiotic and eventually being dragged to the dance floor to dance with the rest of the team, or just blowing everyone off for drunken walks round the neighbourhood, eventually crashing in your room
i clearly have a lot to say about this topic lol so if you ever want more thoughts i have millliiiiooooooonsssssss
-lucy dacus anon <3333
omg yes send more whenever, id love to write a full fic on the concept
showing up to the stupid party because Jackie said it was mandatory (everyone knows that it's not really, but today isn't a day you want to piss Jackie off.). You're there for about ten minutes before you're plotting ways to leave without anyone (Jackie) noticing. Before you can do anything, though, one of the Yellowjackets, probably Jackie or Shauna, but maybe Van, comes and finds you. Whoever it is drags you to a circle of the other Yellowjackets, and you immediately know what's happening.
But Nat's there, and part of you hopes that she'll spin the bottle and it'll land on you. So you sit your ass down, ready to humor your teammates. Worst-case scenario, you have to sit with somebody in a closet for seven minutes. Best-case scenario? You and Nat kissing.
When Nat spins the bottle, it lands on Van, which is both a disappointment and a relief. You're obviously sad it didn't land on you, but you know that those two aren't going to end up kissing.
An excruciating half an hour later, it's finally your turn. Your hands are shaking as you spin, and you're begging the universe for the bottle to land on Nat. By some sort of miracle, it does. But now you're freaking out, because what if she doesn't want to kiss you? Or It's a bad kiss?
Before you have a real chance to react, Jackie's shoving you in Lottie's giant pantry, and you're stuck. Nat can clearly tell you're nervous, so she's joking, trying to get you to relax, making sure you know there's no pressure, you don't have to do anything if you're not feeling it. She won't be offended.
Once she's pretty sure you're calm enough to handle it, she takes your face in her hands and looks at you for a second, giving you time to tell her to stop. When you don't she kisses you. You're expecting roughness, but she's surprisingly soft. Probably not wanting to freak you out any more.
You don't really talk about it for a couple weeks until you like actually end up dating.
BUT YES at parties just drinking with her, literally judging everyone around you because you're drunk and it's fun. Sharing drinks, shotgunning sharing a a cigarette or a blunt. #needthat.
Sometimes, if you're feeling energetic, you'll make her dance to the pop music that she claims to hate. If you're tired or overwhelmed or have just bored, you leave and wander (or drive, if one of you is sober) around the neighborhood.
At the end of the night you always end up crashing at your house, and you always make sure Nat has water and Advil so that she doesn't feel like dying in the morning.
#yellowjackets#yellowjackets showtime#natalie scatorccio#natalie yellowjackets#natalie scatorccio x reader#natalie thoughts#natalie scatorccio thoughts đ
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One of my first digital pieces (2010) versus one of my recent ones (2024)
We all start somewhere!
#picked these cause they're in a similar pose lol. i mean not at all. but sort of... more than my other art at least...#oh fuck im so tired im saving this to drafts and coming back later#my anxiety meds wipe me the fuck out so im trying not to take them in the day#and they're like legit borderline a sleeping med for me. i take one and in 30 mins im OUT.#so I'm. i mean i was already only taking 1-2 in the day and then 2-3 at night#anyways it makes me sad when people say they dont have an artistic bone in their body#and especially when they say they could never draw like me :(#dont put yourself down to lift me up! i don't want my art to be used for you to be mean to yourself!!!#lots of experiences of people comparing themselves to me and being mean to themself...#feels bad. it's okay if you're slow it's okay to be learning it's okay!!!#I'm me and you're you and we're here to learn from each other. i just wanna hang out..#y'know what I'm just gonna post without saying anything i WILL forget I made a draft#i have so many things i intend to post and then forget#it's a wonder I post anything#i only do it when i get bored. and run out of stuff to scroll through#like whelp. guess if i want a post I have to make one myself.#also the second one is really good idc that it's a study i still drew it#art growth#this was in 2010 btw#i started highschool in 2011#I've grown a lot and you can too.#also I've never really been one to dislike my old art. like idk I was trying... if it's bad I just won't look at it whatever#like i wouldn't be mean to someone else who made that so i don't get a free pass to be mean just cause it's to me#man my thoughts are bungled. okay sleep time#if my phone made typos you didn't see it
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(OC Lore and design time!)
(it got longer again ... sorry ... idk how to make things short, i just need to talk, but i guess if you can read the written stuff in the pic thats the barest bare bones of what i wrote here)
i was asked what new lore story stuff i had thought about that made me sad which i mentioned a bit ago, and while that is too hard to explain given all the missing context i thought i could at least talk about lore having to do with it :D
so, (Lord) Eadrya is one of my fav OCs (big blue lad, here a rough sketch in humanoid form) they are both one of if not THE most powerful demon alive and the most battle trained;
at the mid point of the story the demon world gets invaded by the celestials (the angel inspired things i talked about in the previous lore post with Xaror) and Shargon, as the king, should be their first and only frontline, but at this point his life is only being sustained by maschinery after being mortally wounded, he cannot fight (he realizes what is going on, rips himself off the maschinery to get at least his youngest child to safety, barely managing it before dying- the guardian, the demons god, takes over his body to attempt to fight against the celestials but cant keep itself alive long enough since its host is already dead) Eadrya takes the role of the frontline fighter (despite being very full of themselves and aggressive they care about their 'job' of protecting their own, also giving them the chance to show off just how strong they are); the fight was going well for them all things considered, but when the guardian activates it drains the power of all elemental lords (which Eadrya is one of, and since they have the most strength it also takes the most from them), so much so that they lose the fight and suffer deadly wounds (the worst being a spear through the chest made of a material that grows hard, root-like formations when in contact with demonic blood like a fungus but worse, also stopping any self healing processes) after the guardian falls apart it creates a huge shockwave of energy that stuns every living thing within a certain distance and possibly more-
Eadrya (in true demon form, so like a blue whale in size at least) was likely taken through an active gateway to the human world in a large tidal wave also created by the guardians fall; they wash up in the harbor of a small secluded village, the head of which is 'lady 13'; although never having seen a demon before and everyone being afraid (largely thinking its a strange hurt animal, only she suspected otherwise), they still gather all villagers to pull out the celestial spear, which is diffcult and brutal given that its already taken root, but the village lacked both knowledge and means to help any other way- doing so damaged their heart which is how they were able to collect samples of all three demonic blood types ('normal' -red like humans-, energy -essentially purely magic- and heartblood -highly concentrated energy only found within the heart of a demon and the only one to contain genetic material) (this is the start of Eadryas character arc, having to deal with the fact that their world is likely destroyed, them failing what they didnt think they could fail, having lost a battle so badly (even if not really their fault) for the first time and not knowing if literally anyone else has survived .. also being now stuck in the human world, which they dont like)
Lady 13 (placeholder name? stands for experiment 13) is a human that was tricked by demon hunters to enroll into a series of experiments trying to create hybrids of demons and humans, which they hoped would be powerful and easily controllable tools for their endeavours, though the two are inherently not compatible, they tried grafting body parts of demons on humans to make them compatible- all experiments failed except for her, more or less, though she never got to see the hybrid she carried and was then told it had died too, they threw her out believing she wouldnt survive much longer either and all such experiments were cancelled due to the high cost of human life, research material (demons are still rare) and upkeep with no successful results Lady 13 survived though (perhaps even via the pirates picking her up?) and she ended up living in said small village far away, hiding her half demonic body, though most know there soemthing 'wrong' with her (her being this tall when it doesnt fit the rest for one), only few know the full extent; she enjoys the life she has now, perhaps on the more poor side but safer and more loved than ever before; she largely lead the efforts to try and help Eadrya when they ended up in the harbor, though there wasnt that much anyone could do it was still enough- they leave immediately after waking up, but return after really having nowhere to go and struggling to deal with everything that has happened; over time (probably years) they start to open up towards the people there (though not .. very much) enough to get rather close with Lady 13 too- she actually falls madly in love but after Eadrya (extremely aro/ace) rejects all her attempts quite clearly she respects their boundaries
However, after hearing news of potential demon sightings Eadrya decides to leave in hopes of not being the last demon left after all; Lady 13 then decides to reveal her secret to them (though hearing and seeing what lengths hunters would go to for their experiments makes them absolutely seething with rage- she insists on not being out for revenge) and asks if they would be willing to donate a small amount of heartblood; shes always wanted to be a mother but is now incompatible with humans too- through things she picked up back at the experiments facillity, hers and her doctors research she is sure that is all that is needed, she dares to ask since she does not know when, if ever, she will meet another demon, much less one she could actually trust enough for this though Eadrya hesitates (why would she want to go through the same thing again that didnt work and threatened her life, if it does work, do they want to be involved with any of this? what if hunters find out it worked after all?) but after her ensuring that they would have no part in it other than giving up a little blood and would not be considered a parent in any way, nor made responsible for anything that might happen to her, but considering it all in the end they agree to it
only for her to reveal shes had a small bottle of it already, along with multiple samples of the other types, which she collected when Eadrya was bleeding out into the harbor not knowing if they will survive, though not wanting to make use of it without their consent either way (they are actuallly rather touched by this)
alot later the main group returns here and it turns out to have worked (though she is unable to walk/bedridden for a long while bc it did alot of damage to her body, which can heal since its demons parts, but only really slowly bc she does not have a full functioning system and no demonic blood of her own -she uses the other samples for the healing process-) though its a little awkward to explain, especially considering that 13.1 took alot after Eadrya xD (their theory as to why it worked so "well" that time is that even though the sample was already taken, them giving their consent for it still made it less likely to be rejected; demons dont need partners to have offspring, and all can do it, they just have to decide to- so them agreeing to it, even though its long been outside their body, still had an effect on the blood sample)
#ganondoodles#art#ocs#original art#oc lore#demons#monsters#WHY does writing things liek this take me so long#i spent two hours again on this and im falling asleep as we speak bc its almost 2 am#ANYWAY this was alot again ... sorry#but its a relatively new storyline that i have been afraid of telling#since it touches on things im afraid might come across wrong and uses themes im a lil uncomfy with#but i found it interesting ... and works well with eadrya as a character bc it challenges alot about them#yes im wrote and mean this genuinely#i would have made the cut from her human body to the demon parts more smooth ... but this hard cut is the point#so that she looks rather normal on the upper part and can hide the rest#thoguh im unsure about the color scheme and if maybe i should be more creative with the demons parts#then again its largely just legs lol#if anyone actually reads this ........ i hope it comes across correctly#i like to use darker and more mature themes but am riddled with anxiety over how it will be understood#im gonna work on zelda comic stuff again now .. sorry for all the oc spam#but if there are questions PLEASE feel free to ask im pretty sure i have answers to almosst anything?#also i havent thought of a name for her or the kid .. though im starting to like lady 13#13.1 wont do as a name though poor kid deserves a proper name after already being a weird hybrid that shouldnt exist#either way ... going to bed now GOODNIGHT q-q#(any typos are excused by me being deadly tired ok)
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I made graphics instead of going to bed
Plus zadr stuff,,,
#im so tired uugghhhh#anyways#i tried doing more of the show style... figured people would like that more i guess#they make me SICK i hope they EXPLODE (i love them so much#art#my art#invader zim#nickelodeon#zim iz#dib membrane#trinkets#pixels#blinkies#sorry i am literally so embarrassed to post this for no reason#ive posted zadr before i just feel like im gonna get thrown into a volcano for this one#even though i LIKE what i made and i LIKE zadr#okay. okay im normal#zadr#zim and dib romance#đok#forgive me father for i have sinned. i am cringe#OKAY okay im like so normal and stuff and im like totally not nervous to post this#<- LIE#okay SHUT UP just post it. loser
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Ok I know I'm heavily biased here but like I kinda love that Astarion's romance is one of the few in this type of video game where you basically end up canonically unmarried and childfree in his "good" ending? Just travelling the world??
Like it's honestly the millennial dream lmfaoo cannot believe i chose what would undoubtedly be my favorite option, first try
#also love that he's basically atheist like ok thanks you made the man exactly coded to be my type#and the humor and beautiful curly hair is very much something my IRL partner has too so like... how can i resist#anyways not sure a lot of people relate cause i think a lot of people want that fairytale romance#even tho wyll is right there yall#but i love me an unconventional or nontraditional one!!#i'm TIRED of being married with children as the endgame pls let's not do it#also a lot of people seem into him being a dad and im like... how? why? where in canon did he ever lmfao#more power to ya if you dig it but i just dont see it being in character#like in DAI i loved cullen and my inquisitor getting married and having a dog#and they seem the type to wants kids one day. but Tav & Astarion? lol no#i just think it's neat#is this a hot take? i have no idea but i don't see it mentioned a lot as a new fan tbh#pls do not come at me you can enjoy whatever you like#i haven't seen the ascended stuff so idk if being his 'consort' is like being his bride#but i feel like overall it's not and the vibe isn't all that different in this sense#except that you're hosting evil parties instead of travelling :/#Astarion#bg3 spoilers#baldur's gate 3#baldur's gate 3 spoilers#bg3#also YEA he's nice to Arabella but you can tolerate certain kids without wanting one or being 'good parent' material#case in point: me lmfao#OKAY update i saw the AA stuff and yeah you're kind of implied vamp married and he does mention spawn as children đŤ#but he also says in banter he won't make any other spawn??? so what is it dude#anyway that's also clearly the âbadâ route and he doesn't seem as happy as unascended#who feels âtruly freeâ#and if you're durge I'm pretty sure its even worse to consider having kids?? lol#but i digress#pk plays bg3
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[PUT INTO PLACE, TIED DOWN AND ARRANGED, AND IS NEVER THE SAME, AGAIN.]<-listen to my favorite songs. VAMPIRES ARE WONDERFUL ARENT THEY. THE FLESH IS SO MUCH MORE DURABLE. SO MUCH STRETCHIER THAN HUMANS. THE STRESS DOESNT KILL A VAMPIRE THE SAME WAY IT DOES A HUMAN. YOU CAN TAKE THEM APART THREAD BY THREAD AND LEAVE THEM WIDE AWAKE WITHOUT WORRY OF THE BRAINMATTER SPOILING UNDER VINEGARY AGONY.
#cw gore#WEEEE WHIPPING OUT ALL MY BELOVED PIXEL HORROR GAME SOUNDTRACKS FOR THIS ONE#STILL A WIP#SORTA. FORKSFORKSFORKS INSPIRED ME TO START WORKIN AT IT AGAIN. AND NOW IT LIVES. IT LIIIVEESS!!!#MOSLT.Y ATLEAST. I MIGHT MESS W IT MORE LATER. WE SHALL SEE. ANYWAY GABRIEL MONTEZ HUH. WOW POOR GUY#THERES A FASCINATING FEELING THAT COMES WITH BEING ON A OPERATING TABLE.AND BEING IN IMMENSE PAIN#ONE OF MY FONDEST MEMORIES IS LAYING ON A DENTIST CHAIR. SHAKING AND INVOLUNTARILY CRYING AFTER MANY MANY#NEEDLES TO MY THE MOUTH. I METABOLIZE THE NUMBING STUFF QUICKLY APPARENTLY. THEY NEEDED ALOT OF NUMBING SHOTS#BUT I WASNT AFRAID OR DISTRESSED. THE DENTIST WAS VERYVERY NICE AND ALSO UH. PRETTY. BUT THATS BESIDE THE POINT#THE POINT IS. THAT IT WAS FASCINATING TO REALIZE MY PHYSICAL RESPONSE TO PAIN UNDER A CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENT#I DIDNT KNOW HOW EASY IT WAS TO SHAKE AND TO CRY PRYVIOUS TO THAT EXPERIENCE.MY DENTAL ADVENTURES CONTINUE#THEY CONTINUE TO HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHAT ITS LIKE FOR PAIN TO BOIL AWAY THE TIME. TO DISTORT THE PASSING HOURS AND CONSUME EVERY THOUGHT#DO YOU REMEMBER PAIN? THE MOST SEVERE PAIN IN YOUR LIFE? NOW WILL YOU IMAGINE RED LIGHTS? RED LIGHTS AND SHIFTING FIGURES#NOW WILL YOU IMAGINE PAIN UNRELENTING.PAIN WORLD SHATTERING.PAIN IMMORTAL.CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING PULLED APART#THE HUMAN MIND CAN ONLY WITHSTAND SO MUCH PAIN BEFORE IT SHUTS DOWN AND HIDES.IT NEEDS TO PROTECT ITSELF AFTERALL. PAIN CAN ALTER#PAIN SHIFTS THE CHEMISTY OF THE MIND OF THE FLESH OF THE SOUL. FOR HUMANS ATLEAST. BUT YOU ARE NO LONGER HUMAN#YOU CHOSE OTHERWISE DIDNT YOU BOY.BECAUSE YOU WANTED MORE.STATUS.POWER.APPROVAL.SECURITY.SAFET.Y.#OHHH YOU CAN WITHSTAND THE PAIN FOR THAT. FOR ALL THAT. YOU WERENT TOLD THERE WOULD BE PAIN BUT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WERE PROMISED.#ITS ALL WORTH IT IN THE END. NOW LETS JUST HOPE SOME BLONDE TWERP DOESNT PROVE TO BE STRONGER THAN THE STRONGEST PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE#LETS HOPE NO ONE FUCKS THIS UP. LETS HOPE NO ONE FUCKS THIS UP. I LOST MY TRAIN O THOUGHT#anyway dawww poorr gabeee that shit probably huuurrrrtttss but so much time has passed that your body got tired of screaming and squirming#why havnt you passed out yet? maybe you might as well have at this point. like sleeping with your eyes open and your nerves awake#OH HEY FUNFACT ABT THE ART. I FOUGHT W IT ALOT. TOOK A LONG WHILE FOR ME TO BE REMOTELY HAPPY W THIS.#i was thinking abt pixel horror video games when i made it.just as i do with all great things ofc ofc#i love you pixel horror game i love yooouuuuu.i struggled so much w the colors for so LONNGG UHGHGHGH but im finally happy...im finally fre
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how. do u sona....
#i want to give myself a solid sona that. isnt just me with puppy dog ears and a tail slapped on but its hardddd#i want to make like a snowman that can change shape but it keeps certain features like branch antlers and a carrot nose#for consistency yk. but im struggling to find a balance between smth i like drawing and smth that looks like me#how often does one's sona resemble the artist irl.. for one i dont have bangs but i love drawing characters with bangs#so its just an internal conflict on if i should give my sona bangs if i dnt have them but love drawing them. etc etc#maybe im thinking abt this too hard bc nobody really knows what i look like anyway and i can do what i want anyway#but i get hung up on small details like that. like im worrying abt stuff like damn how tf am i gonna draw a snowman in the summer#girl... its a fuckig drawing.... follow your heart. but also HOW. i cant even draw myself with bangs bc it feels like im lying augh auuhggg#its 4 am im too tired for this. im goig to bed#my art#myart#doodles#wip
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i'm trying to watch a trans guy critique some video game trans rep bc i'm interested in hearing more trans ppl talk about it. but he's very. i'm paraphrasing here but "why would anyone ever in a million years want their rpg character to have top surgery scars. isnt that a constant reminder to you and everyone around you about how you were born" and "you don't work on transitioning. you just need hormone treatment and possibly some--"
#i get that some trans men need to fight themselves and everyone around them to feel ''man enough'' in like a semi toxic masculinity way#but its kinda tiring to hear ngl. im sorry you feel that way and i know not having been born cis sucks and i understand your emotions but d#you have to make them my problem. like idk i feel like my transition DID take work and#personally for me my top surgery scars are a positive reminder of how far ive gotten#when i pay them any attention. which is not very often#man im just existing not analyzing every part of my body at all times#yknow. some ppl sound like they watched a bit too much of a certain youtuber who was rancid about other trans men and talked about stuff li#like how theres a mens and womens way to flip your middle finger and stuff.#sight thats so besides the point#anyways i am open to hearing opinions that differ from mine and i want to do that but some people you just dont vibe with#leevi talks#obvs no hate to this creator btw. he speaks about stuff very well but some little word choices here and there rub me the wrong way#and he has good points so far i am intrigued of what he has to say i just needed a break to bitch so i can continue#edit: no this video isnt even good. like i dont agree with bioware but he sounds like hes just on purpose misunderstanding everything#so he has more stuff to get mad about for his video#is it ragebait
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sorry my post is just to complain but guys i literally hate adobe after effects. i can not explain to you the mental torture and how LOW it has brought my mental health because I *need* to use it for my post production class because it's "industry standard". ADOBE After Effects has made me write off the entire film and video production industry as a turn off and I never want to do it ever again.
The amount of times this has crashed on me where I lost everything? 5+ hours of work? 8+ hours of work? It's my fault for not saving sometimes but I also have auto-save on. it didn't save anything so im just left with nothing.
You want a trip to burn out town really quick? Use adobe after effects in an academic setting where you have no choice but to use this program.
I have never in my life TOUCHED a program SO TERRIBLE that it made me never want to do anything about that form of art/media EVER AGAIN
#I'm ALSO going in and out of the hospital these past few weeks so im just bawling and crying and crying over losing this project just now#because it was due 3 days ago#and i cant finish it becvause i loste verything#im sorry to everyone reading this i just feel like an insane person#like if i tried to explain this to someone theyd just tell me to stop crying and to get over it#anyway cannot recommend adobe after effects any fucking less#never join advertising/film industry i guess?#im so miserable right now. AE is a constant crasher#i also got a new computer with 18RAM instead of 8RAM and it still did this#does anyone understand why i cant stop talking about this#it makes no logical sense that our industry relies on adobe THIS fucking much that a program that is KNOWN to crash often#is an industry standard i hate it here#its been 3 months of this#im in so much fucking physical pain thats why im going to the hospital and then i come home to this constantly#guys im so tired i hate Adobe with a passion i hate it so much#mod stuff#from kris p#may delete later but i have bad memory so ill forget and just never do that#when i say its fun im lying to you for masking/show. im lying
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#okay sorry for venting but iâve been processing that session for months#like im the one who fucked up that session because i couldnt make myself say anything and actually naming any problem i have#felt like im begging to have a bunch of excuses#and god that paychologist really made me feel like i imagined all of that for attention and now im back here again and im once again#realizing my brain is just fucked up and what do i do now because if i went to a session now#i would be in the same situation where i canât say anything that actually bothers me#so i guess im in deep shit forever or at least until i stop having some fucking mental block or whatever#im just fucking tired broâŚâŚ.#she told me everyone is a little bit autsitic and thatâs it WHAT#bro if i had little enough symptoms of whatever that i could do stuff by myself anyway i wouldnt fucking be ghere paying 200zĹ for the most#ruining hours of my life thank you so much.#instead i have to use everyone in my life as a crutch because i literally just canât function without help IUOUOUGHHH#god im so sorry okay im gone im just really going through it rn#vent
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heya, i have to wake up in three hours but! here's another lil human au snippet! ft. lightly implied Laughingstock! disclaimer i am so so tired so don't come at me for typos or strangely worded sentences or missing info <3
~
Before heading home, Eddie swings by a charming little store heâs been to once or twice before. He usually goes to the chain store by his house, but he doesnât feel like dealing with the hustle and bustle and the endless aisles. This little store is quiet, nice, and strangely has everything anyone could need.Â
The lot is mostly empty at this hour, so Eddie claims a spot right at the front. As with the other times, the windows are littered with displays and stickers - half off on this, sale on that. Eddie enters Howdyâs Place with the chime of the doorâs shopkeeperâs bell. Heâll get what he needs and get out, quick and easy and peacefu-
Boisterous laughter slams into Eddie like a hammer, so sudden that he jumps in place. An employee stocking cans nearby glances weirdly at him. Eddie clears his throat and hurries into the nearest aisle as the laughter tapers off. The silence barely lasts a second before loud chatter starts up. Itâs too fast and muffled for Eddie to understand, but he can pick out two distinct voices - one deep, one less so but still decidedly masculine.Â
Eddie tries to tune it out as he gathers what he needs. Toothpaste, some paper towels, shampoo. For the hell of it, he nabs a box of classic bran muffins from the spacious food section. He lingers for a moment, enjoying how far-away the conversation seems at the other corner of the store. Unfortunately, theft is illegal, so Eddie is forced to move towards the noise.
A strange thing about the store - itâs a combination general store, antique shop, and diner, complete with a miniature gift shop separating the two. One long checkout counter stretches from the open store area, behind the gift shop, and into the diner, where the conversation is coming from. An interesting setup, but an understandable one. It allows anyone behind the counter to move fluidly between customers and sections.
As Eddie approaches, the conversation becomes slightly clearer.Â
â-said, no wonder you didnât get her number!â the deeper voice barks, and the two dissolve into that almost-too-loud laughter again.Â
As it tapers off, the other voice says, âSounds like a real charmer! But really, you oughta be careful, Barn. One of these days someoneâs gonna throw a right hook at ya.â
Eddieâs eyebrows shoot up. A transatlantic accent? He hasnât heard that anywhere outside of real old movies and a queen he once knew. It sounds natural too, like the man was born to sound like he belongs on a 1920s radio show. It nudges something in the back of Eddieâs mind. Heâs started to get really sick of that nudge.
âOh, this guy did.â
âNo kidding? I donât see a shiner.â
âWell, yeah. I went left.â
Both of them laugh again, and Eddie feels a tiny tug at the corner of his mouth. That wasnât funny enough to garner an actual laugh in his opinion, but it wasnât unfunny.Â
Eddie steps up to the counter and quietly puts his acquired items on it, not wanting to interrupt. He chances a glance to the side - walking space in front of the counterâs length lets him see right down into the diner.
A large man with dyed-blue hair and an interesting fashion sense is at the bar, talking to an employee leaning against the other side. The employee doesnât really catch Eddieâs gaze, but the other man⌠Eddie swears heâs seen him before. He studies him from the corner of his eye, not wanting to be rude but unable to mind his business.Â
âOur bouncer didnât even get a chance at the action - the idiot knocked himself out tryinâ a second swing!â The customer says. His deep voice, wavering with humor, only adds to the sense of familiarity. Metal glints in his right ear. Eddie knows this man from somewhere.
The employee shakes his head, tutting. His busy hands polish a vintage pitcher. âI swear, you get all the crazies.â
âMakes for a good story, though.â The customer takes a sip from his tall milkshake and scoffs. âThough if it wasnât all well-ending, amusing bull, I doubt Iâd be so tolerant.â
Minutes drag by as the two keep talking. Eddie goes from patiently waiting to awkwardly trying to get the employees attention. If only there was someone else behind the counter, but the only other staff member is elsewhere, likely still stocking shelves.Â
The two men are too absorbed in their little world, even though both are facing Eddieâs way. The customer has both elbows on the counter, one of them bent to prop up his chin. The employee has his hip leaned against the edge as they chat. Theyâre obviously very familiar with each other, and clearly deeply enjoy each other's company.Â
Still - and Eddie is sorry to say, but itâs bad customer service. Heâs not in a rush, but heâd still like to be on his way home. He could be fishing out the complex keys right now. He checks his phone - heâs been here for nearly fifteen minutes. Picking out the items took less than five.Â
Eddie sighs, staring at the various cigarette packs displayed behind the counter. Heâs never seen the appeal in smoking, but as the laughter starts up again, he almost wishes he did. Heâs going to treat himself to a very long shower once he gets home.Â
The storeâs other employee walks behind the counter, carrying a box. Eddie lights up. Finally - she pointedly clears her throat and heads into the back.Â
The constant conversation stalls for the barest moment, and he looks over. The customer grins at him for a second - lord heâs handsome - before turning that grin towards his friend.
âYouâre losinâ your touch, Howds,â he teases, bringing his shake straw to his lips.
âI resent that statement. Youâre just distracting.â
âLilâ me? Distracting? Câmon, you can just tell me Iâm pretty to my face. Iâll take it like a champ, I swear!â
âHa, good try.â The employee sets the pitcher down and starts to mosey in Eddieâs direction. âYour ego is big enough for the both of us as is. One more compliment and your headâll pop like a balloon.â
âWell, given that most balloons donât really pop, they just kinda deflate slowly-â
âSorry for the wait!â the employee says loudly in a glaringly obvious customer service tone. He stops in front of Eddie with a cardboard smile. At the other end of the counter, the familiar man snickers and hides his grin behind his drink. âI trust you found everything you did - and didnât! - need.â
Eddie just stares up at him for a moment. At six-one, Eddie hasnât felt small in a very long time. He usually stands at least a full inch above other people. This employee - Howdy, his name tag states - has several more on him.
âUh, y-yes, I uh, I did,â Eddie stammers, glancing at his items.Â
âWonderful! And again, my sincerest apologies for the delay. My friend makes a game out of keeping me from my job.â Howdy shoots his âfriendâ a glare with enough heat in it to make an ice cube sweat.Â
âNo worries.â
Howdy scans the items at an almost frightening speed. Beep, into a paper bag. Beep, in. Beep, beep - âOh, no.â
âWhat?â Eddie says, dread plucking at his ribs as Howdy holds the bran muffins and shakes his head. âIs there somethinâ wrong?â
âIndeed there is! Youâre making a mistake with these. Theyâre absolutely horrible, I tell ya - and bad for you, too!â Howdy tuts and puts the box to the side. âNo, no, you donât want those.â
âI⌠donât?â
âNot if you knew better! Lucky for you, Iâm here to set you straight. What you need is-â he snaps his fingers, âBarnaby, be a pal and-â
âAlready on it,â âBarnabyâ says, appearing next to Eddie.
If Eddie werenât already paralyzed, heâd jump right out of his skin from how Barnaby towers over him. He has to be a scant inch or so shorter than Howdy, but he still makes Eddie feel tiny. Unfortunately, Barnaby is even more handsome up close.Â
âHere ya go.â Barnaby hands a plastic container to Howdy and taps it, smiling lazily down at Eddie. âIâd take his advice on this one. Those bran-named muffins may sound fancy, but theyâre pretty crumby! You want muffins of quality. Real breadwinners!
Eddie canât help a soft laugh. âBreadwinners, heh, thatâs a good one.â
âAre you selling these or am I?â Howdy says, raising a bushy eyebrow.Â
âHey, Iâm just doinâ what you asked! Iâm beinâ a pal.â
âAnd I - Iâm sorry," Eddie interjects, "but youâre awfully familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?â
âEh, Iâve been around, but uh⌠you ever been to [INSERT GAY BAR NAME HERE]?â
Howdy clears his throat. âIâm trying to make a sale here, Barn. You can flirt on your own dime when youâre not costing me mine.â
âDidja know your nose gets redder when youâre jealous?â
Howdy rolls his eyes and shoves Barnaby in the dinerâs direction. Barnaby goes with a hearty snicker. Despite the joke, Eddie thinks it has some merit as Howdy scans the final item and rings him up, considerably frostier than before.
Belatedly, Eddie realizes that he didnât actually agree to the different muffins. Too late now. âSay, what kind of muffins are those?â
âPoppyseed-lemon.â
Eddie relaxes - that is a lot better than boring bran. âYâknow, my mother loved poppyseed-lemon muffins.â
âDid she now,â Howdy drawls.
âLike you wouldnât believe! If baking was so much as mentioned, sheâd jump right on houndinâ us to whip some up for her, or send us to go buy some. Weâd never even get a taste! Theyâd be gone the moment they hit the air, I tell ya.â Eddie chuckles. âTook me a while to understand what all the fuss is about, but man was she right. They are good!â
âUh-huh. Well, we have a fresh batch delivered every morning. Theyâre not the same type every time, mind you, but I can promise that theyâre all of the highest quality.â
âBreadwinners, right?â Eddie jokes. Howdy doesnât blink, but Barnaby snorts. Heâll take it. âI might have to come by more often, if thatâs the case! Thank you kindly, sir.â
âMhm, have a good day.â Howdy hands him the bag and strides away without a glance. The dismissal is clear as day. âSay, Barn, did you hear about the racket one of those cult crackpots stirred up at our dear friendâs tearoom?â
Eddie doesnât catch the tail-end of the sentence as he hurries away, but he frowns. Cult? What cult? Thereâs a cult? He certainly didnât hear of one before moving here, and none of his background checks had turned up anything of the sort. He hopes it was just a figure of speech.Â
The door chimes again as Eddie leaves. It isnât until heâs in his car that the embarrassment of that whole exchange catches up with him. If he had a nickel for every time heâd made a fool of himself in front of a gorgeous, strangely familiar man, heâd have three nickels. At the rate heâs going, heâll either be rich, or heâll have to move.Â
Eddie subtly tries to peek around the storeâs window displays from the safety of his car. He catches a scant glimpse of blue hair - come to think of it, itâs a similar shade to Wallyâs. But where Wallyâs had, to Eddieâs memory, been uniformly dyed right down to his eyebrows, Barnabyâs rich brown roots were obvious. His beard and eyebrows werenât dyed, either.Â
As Eddie relaxes back into his seat, he re-reads at the storeâs name. The color drains from his face and he barely restrains himself from slamming his forehead against the steering wheel.
Oh, of course. Of course he made a fool of himself in front of the owner. Eddie can never come back here again. And it was such a nice storeâŚ
#wait wym this is almost 2k words what the Fuck!#ok! the writing gods blessed me tonight i guess!#anyway slight context -#in my mind there's a whole Plot and stuff for this au#where it starts off with eddie running into The Groupâ˘ď¸ and meeting them mostly separately#before they all meet up and go 'hey yeah you guys ran into eddie from high school too? cool. he's ours now'#and forcibly drag eddie into their little Circle#wh modern human au#snippets from the bog#also sorry about the [INSERT GAY BAR NAME HERE] lmfao i cant come up with one atm#i want it to be wh-related and Clever#but i am not very clever on a good day and this has been a bad one! and again! im tired!#i. dont know how to tag this. whatever! if you see it you see it!#ok im going to sleep. for a whopping three hours before my alarm goes off. *less than three. Sigh.#i always do this! its like 'oh i have to wake up early tomorrow! lets not sleep at all! im feeling so creative!'#gonna go think about this au's laughingstock as i drift to sleep#FOR THREE. HOURS.#have i mentioned the three hours????
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Thinks about my next series again... I drew the icon for it!
I'm planning to have it launched within a year! I'm hoping for summer 2025. I want to make a prelaunch page before Time and Time Again ends so people can subscribe if they're interested, but I'm worried the series return would be too early...
#SORRY HAHAHA REPOSTING IMMEDIATELY#i. it. IM SORRY okay the.#i had 'im not interested in the comic' as an option but it immediately made me feel bad#DONT FEEL BAD IF YOU PICKED IT i put it there#i just realized its not really a helpful metric to me at all!#im making the comic either way!#so i just want to gague interest. disinterest doesnt do much for me. you can come and go as you please!#just wanting to retain readers as much as possible but without losing them due to taking too long#ahhhh the balance of marketing. a beautiful beast she is.#anyways yeah hoping to launch like about as tta is ending#or like at LEAST a prelaunch page by then#im also not intending for the prelaunch page to be like. announced...#moreso just a link i append on art for the series!#just so when a drawing of zagan gets 500 notes#people who are interested in what hes from can. see that...#anyways. sorry i haven't been posting work is wild im going 70+ hours a week again i am so tired#not much time to draw non work stuff#im hanging on by a thread of having multiple projects i can bounce between again#and sometimes thats this one! so heres the results of some mental health work variety#we were legion#polls#sorry for the instant repost. in my defense. i am exhausted.#i can not wait until im making a different comic that i can do a fucking. normal ass schedule with#where im not every week gasping for breath in some kind of bad at swimming metaphor.#anyways if youre not interested dont tell me. it doesnt matter to me. no offense but i just dont wanna hear it.#i want to make the comic and my audience as much as i love you all is not going to have any control over what i do with my art#im gonna make this comic if i only get it done on weekends after getting home from the fuckin movie theater#i am not working for webtoon again wnd im not forcing myself into the dirt for comics again#but im also never gonna stop making them. just need to build a healthier relationship!#FUCK I MADE IT A ONE DAY POLL.
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Kind of hard to ask as anon
But you doing ok?
Need to vent?
Hi very kind and thoughtful of you to ask, i am doing mmmmm suboptimal but i do not need to vent to a person per se, so much as i need to say absolutely insane shit in my tags and have everyone pretend not to see <3
#my stuff#asks#this is the problem with using tumblr as a multi-role platform bc when i want to talk about my fcuking metnal illness i stress-#about my online friends judging me for it#not in like a mean sense but just that it feels like it would change their opinion of me#like on tumblr u can say you have adhd or autism (i have the latter and likely the former)#but anything more intense is regarded as sketchy#so when iâm having symptoms disease of an additional metnal illness itâs like hmmm i donât think iâm supposed to talk about that#mostly because the majority of the time itâs something i mask over#and do subconsciously until i get particularly tired or stressed or fatigued#so when i get to those states iâm trying extra hard not to blindside everyone with what a fucking mutant i am under the surface#like yippee hooray more ammunition for some transphobe to use in 3 weeks next time i get anon hate#anyways im. tired. i need more tattoos. i need a vacation. i need a forever hug. i need to feel cute. i need things to just be okay#i need to not be fractured into so many snapping pieces i need to know what is expected of us#i need to not feel like an adult babysitting a child whoâs actually controlling me#i feel weak and undisciplined but i know fixing those wonât fill the hole gnawing my heart#im going to bed. blegh.
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad đ
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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Some mild existential dread in the house today
#im just feeling reeeeally really drained#works taking a LOT out of me#like. it feels less intense day to day? or maybe im reacting less? but its still very much piling up#and im just feeling very...idk. like im still waiting for permission to live my life#except now the permission osnt coming from any one person its. having the money to docit#and the time and the energy#and i guess thats just what adult life is? waiting#and hoping#and along the way losing sight of what i even wanted in the first place because im so *tired*#idk. i definitely need a project of some kind but im struggling to settle on something and then organise it#i have stuff to do today anyway. alfie had a lil bit of emergency cash saved so i need to go shopping#and i need to tidy the kitchen and do some dishes#and have a bath and shave at some point#i also want to draw but again. struggling ti pick something and idk if ill have the executive function spare#AND i want to try and be more social and talk to folks but thats its own kind of difficult#part of me would like a disc server that just has all of my friends in it bc i find it easier to dip in and out of conversarions#but i imagine that would be weird for folks who dont know each other#idk. lot goin through my mind when all i really want is sleep#which also hasnt been...greeeeat lately#mainly because Alfie wakes me up in the mornings bc they dont like being alone but also have a very different sleep schedule to me#and can take multiple smaller naps over a day whereas i really need a solid 8 or so hours or i just. dont fully switch on#but theyre also struggling atm (mentally and also they got an injury at work AND seperately broke their foot ffs)#so they need me more and its just#this never ending cycle of SOMETHING needs my attention#and its fucking exhausting asfghfkd#but!!! we keep goin!!!!! been applying for a bunch of jobs and havent heard anything positive yet but. we keep tryin huh
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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