#anyway im on day 25 i think
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guess who my favorite sephirot is guys
#would this ever ctually happen?#no not ever#but can i dream?#anyway im on day 25 i think#lobotomy corporation#lob corp#lobotomy corporation yesod#lobotomy corporation x#my art
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IT IS DONE. THEY ARE ALL HERE!!!
#homestuck#hs#gemstuck#fuckkk i'm not going to tag them all#chris doodles#including the fusion designs i did#i drew 25 designs over the past 48 hours#hoooly fuck im going to go collapse i think my artist brain is drained for like a week now minimum#oh my Gawd#anyways please look at them please appreciate them there's some blood in all the sweat + tears in these#ask me about them also feel free to send me fusion asks and One Day ill get to them#wont be soon but ill do it at some point
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I think the most annoying part about all of this watcher shit is that if they had just originally said they'd be releasing content earlier and ad-free on their own website, none of this would've happened. Like sure maybe people would be a little bit upset/disappointed they couldn't afford to see things earlier, but at the very least they wouldn't have completely obliterated their reputation and ostracized their fan base. They just went about this in such a shitty and demeaning way and I'm glad they apologized and backpedaled, but I sincerely don't know how they come back from this, especially after it took them three days to respond. I don't know how their audience will ever be able to trust them again
#im really glad they listened amd apologized and didn't double down but holy shit guys#you employee 25 people but clearly none of them are in pr because my god i dont even know how this idea made it past a pitch#you guys are nowhere near the level where this could even begin to be a good idea#and tbh the apology feels weird and insincere and so fucking scripted#it just never needed to be this way#and i dont think fans that were once so loyal are going go ever trust you guys again#i mean fuck ive been a fairly casual fan since the buzzfeed days and even i feel betrayed#i cant imagine how people who spent money on merch and tours and patreon or made fan art or submitted stories feel#it's just so disappointing#anyway good luck i guess#watcher
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"Let’s run away.”
(unrendered > rendered
doing an illustration study with mafuyu’s new look :) )
#mafuyu asahina#nightcord at 25:00#25 ji nightcord de#asahina mafuyu#project sekai#my art#aaaaaaaaaaa im kinda proud of this one aaaaaaaaaa#i dont usually like to draw portraits bc they bore me a bit.....#but i had this rare good day where i found painting to be really fun and relaxing#so i painted this just bc it was fun#it also made me realize damn i usually draw like im doing a job and just wanna get it over with...#maybe its bc im getting more familiar with the method of drawing that works best for me so its becoming more enjoyable?#anyway i really liked the unrendered version!!!! the rendered one is the final but i wanted someone to see the unrendered too bc i really#like it#thank you if you looked at it :)#i made it too saturated and happy though LOL#the mood of this character was supposed to be er more depressive...so hence the rendered changes the entire feeling#i tried to capture a rain mood i quite love doing atmospheric moods#i think it came out kinda good! until i look at it tmr and think no i suck though LOL#anyway it was fun to practice colors and moods and all that#lol tumblr is becoming a place for me to just dump my artistic endeavors
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GUYS i baked all afternoon!! i went to my sisters house at 5pm and got home around 11. i made a lemon slice + a choc cake. the lemon slice is for the school bake sale and the chocolate cake was for staff morning tea :) i feel so enriched i did something for my brain something for my body AND something for my hands today!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!
#aya talks#and now. sleep!!! i have to wake up on time (rather than my usual 25 min snooze) tomorrow!#plus i read today! and hung out w my sister who i adore! and wasnt freezing all day bc i had a heat pack!#and survived thurs which is my busiest day at school!!! i have no free periods on thurs so its rough sometimes but today went well i think !#anyway. be proud of me. send me nice messages if u want. but tbh IM proud of me IM feeling good#:)
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okay I fully intended to flesh her out (disabled queen of Naboo) but then I lost all sense of everything while drawing and only came up with her first name (Roona--idk I made it up hopefully its not a word in an IRL language sorry)
anyway. here she is.
#I HATE THE WHITE MAKEUP WHY DO THEY DO IT i tried to keep her skin tone in there and pretended it was just powder but it looks weird but idk#i gave up#ANYWAY she's a queen she's like 25 i love her okay that's it#that's all i got. roona 25 disabled queen. idk.#i didnt think of her disability bc i forgot to think of ANYTHING oops. fuck.#also oops i think i went a bit slavic w her outfit#idk all i knew is i wanted it simple for accessibility purposes#that and i am NOT a designer i dont want to think up dresses all day.#OKAY DONE TALKING NOW#queen roona#mimse ocs#star wars oc#star wars#my art#mimse art#her face is asymmetrical and im in love w it hehe <3
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🫎
#this place drives me crazy....#i notice it esp bc when im outside and feel a tiny bit better#(unfortunately this city is a nightmare for a hypervigilant like me to live bc theres crazyyy much noise 24/7)#but my home has for the first 23yrs of my life been a noise wise calm place to wind down and be safe and relax#but a couple of years ago there was like a shift and everyone who moves in here are crazy#my neighbors are constantly stomping banging and thumping. constantly.......#people outside are always screaming and yelling and slamming doors and everything u can do#they let their kids run around and scream like demons and throw rocks on cats and piss on the walls#and they go around with metal pipes or sticks and hit everything#like.... im sorry if u wanna call me a childhater for saying thats fucked up then go ahead#that's not sane behavior and the parents dont raise their kids anymore#constant yelling.... anyway#we have a clan of ppl who do lots of illegal things which is above all NOISYYYYYY#they make shit in the apartment above me and then live in another and then large moving trucks come and pick it up#?????? if u wanna call me a stuck up karen for thinking thats not ok to do to your neighbors go ahead!!!!!! im a bitter bitch#i dont think it's ok to cause such disturbance to your neighbors they cant sleep or exist in peace but thats just me ig!!!!!#these ppl living here are batshit insane bc i've been here for 25 and it's never been like this#and i mean it's MY problem for being noise sensitive ofc#but i feel like my brain is CONSTANTLY always being overstimulated and i can barely function anymore#i like legit wanna kms just to escape all this noise#i dont get any quiet moment ever#not even in the middle of the night there is always some human making noise and causing a disturbance#a few years ago it could be dead quiet in the middle of the day#what has happened im losing my miiiiiiind i wanna dieeeeeeeee#what happens when i reach a point where my brain just overcooks and i explode?#what will i do? what will i do when i lose control sksksk that shit scares me i dont wanna see#i cant live like this but im stuck and i dont know how to get out#and my mom was in a smaller city the other day and she said it was a crazy amount of noise yhere to#what do i do? whrre do i go???? i might jusy have to go deaf or smth i cant do this
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holy shit for the first time in ten years i forgot nicks birthday
#and ironically it was my friends video talking about march that clued me in#like fuck march passed and i didn't even notice it.... feels weird. very. weird.#jrnlsht#yikes he turned 40 this year#oh that makes me feel old lmao that makes me feel so old#i thought i had everything figured out when i was 25...of the two of us i was the one with the stable job that i loved#making art all day... and then staying up till 4am making art with nick#and like sadly literally not euphemistically#although those after hours set painting sessions did include some making out#he was such a mess back then#now we've swapped im the mess and he's the one with the stable job he loves#funny how life works out#i remember his 30th vividly his sister bought him this ridiculous bunch of balloons#which of course he hated#and he was forcing a smile cause he was trying to play nice and act like his life wasnt a total mess#and i just sat there giggling at him in his sisters kitchen with the balloons cause i could tell he was faking it#anyway it was fine i made it up to him with a much better present later that evening when we were alone :P#i dont think either of us ever imagined being this old#i certainly didnt#i remember the last time i touched his face a few years ago#it was the first time i realized that - oh- i could love wrinkles#bald with lines around his smile... it was still his face :)#but forgetting is a good thing#sometimes i need to let memories go and move on
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#personal#it feels like im not allowed to complain about my own life on my own blog#or at least that if im allowed to that it seems very firstworld problem very selfish very not appropriate with all thats going on#that people will and do think less of me for expressing my own sadness and frustrations because theres no way it compares#to a lot of peoples very big and very real problems#but im so fucking sick of being poor and small. all ive had to eat today is 2min noodles roughly 10 hours ago#and all ill get tomorrow is a bowl of 2min noodles but ittl be another 15 or so hours until its the most reasonable to eat that#thats the real girlmath and then thats the last of my noodles. that leaves me with one (1) small tin of tuna#which might end up being tonights intermediary food if i really cant wait 15 nore hours for my next noodles but is supposed to be#the one meal of the day after tomorrow. so if i eat it too soon then i have even more time that i just dont fucking eat#im so sick to death of being in this position. like its literally killing me and theres fuck all i can do to make it better#ive tried. and i try and i try and i try but i can never afford anything#my landagent keeps sending me textx asking when theyll see a patment for my $50 water bill#i have to stop myself from texting back every time. youll see payment when im not spending literally 75% of my pay on rent alone#when i can afford to buy food and bills at the same time. whn i dont feel like kms-ing would be better than paying you my rent every frtnite#i crave a burger so bad i cant make myself do any tasks. i cant start or continue any crafts or chores because all im thinking about#is a burger like a blorbo rotating in my mind alongside the background noise that i wont get a burger and will only get noodles but not for#hours. a whole days worth of hours almost#my shitawful roomate is back and i have to play nice but he gives me the same feelings my abusive mother did. im scared to leave my room#in the safeplace house ive spent the last two years building for myself. this feels awful. things were all going so right and now#all of a sudden theyre all going as wrong as possible and im struggling so much. with no one to help. no one cares enough to help#the few people i do have are wrapped up in their own lives. which i get. but it doesnt take away the hurt of dealing with it all alone again#lot of momma trauma coming up with the end of eclipse season and i thought i was handling it. now i just feel fucking awful all the time#like ik healing isnt linear but the roomate triggers so hard things i thought i had processed and was on top of#would a burger fix that? no but itd atleast give me something to emotionally lean on for strength though it. but all ive got is noodles#24 hour apart one meal per day noodles. and tomorrow is my last pack. my only solace lately is that ive been invited to my first ever rave#or my first real rave anyway ive only been to one other 'edm event' that was not really a rave of any scale it was like 25 people#but its a halloween rave so im hoping for spooky fun dancetimes at least theres that. im out of data and spotifyprem so i havent been able#to take my silly little mental health walks bc theres zero chance im doing that without music and so itll be noce to get outside fr the rave#anyway. im doing very poorly i appreciate you few who reached out while i wasnt active but i expect ill continue to do poorly for some time
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#ttpd#taylor swift#the tortured poets department#all the back covers combined#ive spent 70 dollars on this gd album and will probably spend more#(4 different cds)#taylor please don't make me pay 6 dollars for shipping each time when i bought 4 of basically the same thing#and they're all cominng at the same time#especially bc im just gonna have to throw away the packaging bc it sure as shit isn't recyclable in my area#being a taylor swift fan has drastically increased my carbon footprint#and decreased my bank accounts#not even that excited about this new track i just have to collect them all at this point#anyway i was wondering if you put all the back covers together they would fill in each others gaps and spell something#but i dont think they do#looks cool though#fuck capitalism and my goblin urge#how many more if these are there? im both excited and filled with dread#i dont want to spend 25+ USD for 16 of the same tracks and one new one x more times#she anounced it on the 4th#which was 19 days ago#and made 2 new variations#so thats like 1 every 10 days#until april 19th#god i hate capitalism#girl you're a billionaire donate this at the very fucking least
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wasting a whole week by sleeping is making me want to cry
#the parasite talks#i'm still able to do my work in a hurry but my godddddddd#this is getting so sad#i know my friends love me but i feel like such a burden and such a bore when im always like this#please i just need my 30°C spring and horrible solar rays#i still cant wake up before 12pm on those days but i am awake more at night at least#rn i will have to force staying awake#maybe energy drinks might help idk anymore#coffee doesnt really help but maybe the caffeine in those might jumpstart me#i just need to get my horrible life in order again and stop thinking how easier it will be to just kill myself#i know spring might not fix me but at least it will be a big help not having these cold temperatures (which arent really cold anyways)#but i hate anything below 25°C#i feel like that scen where will graham is crying and shaking before hving the seizure that's me but i dont have a seizure and i dont...#...look pretty im just depressed#and i am the only one who has to take my sorry ass out of this#and i know the big amount of priviledge i have to just be depressed and sleeping for a whole week in my bed without a worry and just feelin#miserable for myself and i wont be a danger to myself do it's just a spoiled brat's shit
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there's way too much happening in july i'm getting SO stressed out omg what are you going to keep up with? i'm gonna give myself like 3 or 4 shows but i really can't do all of them 💀
my QL shows tracker/calendar is indeed getting just. just a tiny bit too crowded this month ;;;;;;;;;;
IT CAN'T EVEN DISPLAY EVERYTHING ON A COUPLE OF WEDNESDAYS GOD..........it probably wasn't the best of times to start another GL........and there goes my plan to catch up with sunset vibes and love sea too like yeah that's not gonna happen any time soon ;;;;;;;;;;; honestly i feel like it wouldn't look so overwhelming if three of these shows weren't airing two episodes per week but alas
i think i may put on hold takara no vidro (it just started and im not that into it tbh), my marvellous dream is you (i actually enjoy watching it but it's an absolute mess), and my love mix-up (sorry but im just....not really feeling it ;;;;;;;), and then binge century of love and this love doesn't have long beans after they end
so im gonna try to keep up with the secret of us, we are, the rebound, hidamari ga kikoeru, meet you at the blossom, the trainee, battle of the writers, and 4 minutes, and maybe sneak in ayaka-chan loves hiroko-senpai since the episode are only 25 minutes long, which means staying.......around 6/7 shows per week..............
well comrades. good luck to all of us we're gonna need it 🫡 (but also i hope we can all remember this is supposed to be something fun and enjoyable that we do on our free time, so if it becomes too overwhelming it's okay to take a step back and put shows on hold and focus only on a couple of them!!!!!!)
#was thinking i could also put hidamari and ayaka on hold as well and try to keep up with century of love#but that means two 45/50 minutes long episodes per week instead of two 25 minutes long episodes..........#CHOICES#anyway. as i said i hope this won't become too stressful anon!!!!#let's just enjoy ourselves and watch what we can whenever we can!!!!!#and if the fandom has already moved on you can always come talk to me!!!!!#sending you a hug as you try to figure out what to watch and im wishing you a wonderful day!!!!!! 💜#bl shows#m: ask
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#anyway. im like. way less stressed about turning 30 than i thought id be lmao#its like... oh whatever HDJJZJSJJZMZ#like idk its not gonna be much of a change. and like. i really... like myself more these days than ever b4 so i mean#zjjdikdkdkdkd goodbye 20s you werent that great idk JDJDJDJDJDJJDDJ#it really is just like... a growth period. idk#expecting to have your life together by 25 is so insane. like i look back and its like. wow ya i knew nothing JJDJDJDM#and like i think it helps that im going into 30 with a nice job... great family n friends. a potential relationship so.... ya idk#we'll see i guess LMAO#but my cakes gonna have a bear on it so UHUHUHU#maybe i'll make the change to bearcakes finally. im not sure...#personal#but yeah if my url suddenly changes... know i must have turned 30 BDJDJFNFNFNNMF#hasnt happened yet but SOON
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have had a very disappointing and stressful morning but at least i am sitting by the ocean with the sun shining on my face
#appreciating the ocean while i can before i move to canada in a week#i’m like . very upset and feeling dramatic and i think im within right to cuz it meant a lot to me#was meant to be going to the a15 action in my city and i had it all planned out#but i don’t have a car cuz my friends car broke down so i let them have mine early#and i planned to wake up at 5:30 and drop my mum off at work so i could have her car for the day#but then yesterday at the rally my friend was like oh i’ll come with u!#so after we drove back from melbourne i left my sign in their car (my car…)#and then this morning 5 mins before they were meant to pick me up they were like oh i’ve been called into work#which like understandable that they need the work but telling me 5 mins before u were supposed to pick me up…. 25 mins before the event…#anyway the next bus was so much later but i got on anyway after stressing a bunch#and i was like well even if im an hour late i still wanna show up#but it ended literally right as i got there im so upsetttt#i think the main reasons i’m upset is cuz this would be my last action in australia#cuz i’m moving in a week and i can’t go to this sundays rally in melb#and i was gonna give away my sign cuz i don’t want to throw it out but i can’t take it with me when i move#and i planned to participate in this for weeks n had it all sorted out i should have just gone with my own plans :(#anyway it is what it is i’m disappointed but i’m sitting in the sun by the ocean listening to day6 so it’s all fine really#p
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sending laser beams to my professor with my mind. kenneth you said midterm grades would b up by this afternoon. it is officially TONIGHT and guess what? kenneth i would love to not be clenching my teeth in my sleep tonight. kenneth i will be sending you a bill in the mail. yes i know its probably a TAs responsibility but i blame you personally. i hate school
#i dont im having a lot of fun (genuinely) but it is often pretty stressful#did find out there are a few folks adjacent to my program doing zoonoses & climate change research so im very excited to chat w them next w#possibly directing my thesis towards one health. social epi gradually becoming less interesting#plus i think my strengths do lie in applying epi to biological concepts so. one health works there#my brain continually trying to get back to lyme disease :( sometimes i really do miss the east coast tbh!#not lying actually i think the number one thing i miss is the amt of vector borne disease research LMFAO#i do unfortunately kind of have a crush on a classmate so that's fine but whatever. grad school. men are nice to me and i lose my mind ig#need to go make out w a hot trans person i think that would solve my problems rn#but also it's nice to be so excited about someone deciding to sit next to me in every class :)#like wow how isolated have i been the last 3 years to be so delighted by like. active signs i have Officially Made Friends.#even if he does live like a block away from my dad and jokes every goddamn day like 'so i saw your dad yesterday' no you DIDNT shut UP#idk yesterday he sat right next to me in a class he usually sits w other people in and it sort of sent my brain off the edge and now im jus#yeah. sitting with this one. it's fine like it's normal. but wowie i do think it's my first time having a Big Ol Crush since (redacted)#a little scary for my animal brain i think but it's okay!#im 25 in like 3 ish weeks and i still get embarrassed about this stuff somehow? stupid.#he's just really nice and always really fun to talk to! i think i had to officially Sit With Myself today bc epi is doing a holiday party#and there's a baking contest and we were talking abt it in class and i was indecisive abt whether i want to participate#and he like fully cut me off and was like oh you should bake something so i can have some :)#and. well fuck now i have to lmao. IM SO EASY IT'S SO EMBARRASSING#good evening everyone. guess this is my journal now. anyway ken rice you owe me twenty dollars and i aim to COLLECT
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just another diary entry obvs
#i still feel so sad#yk i mean i take things very deeply very personally im sure some people remember may '21 lol#but this is just very hard for me because im so confused#why would you let resentment build towards someone about something they dont even know theyre doing to bother you#to the point that youre hurting the other person and they dont even know why for the longest time#it hurts a lot it wasnt even addressed at all until i brought it up bcs i couldn't stand not knowing and yet feeling so hurt and confused#i needed to know it wasn't in my head and i was right#but now im second guessing everything they talked to me so normally said they care about me all the way up until the day before#but ive felt the distance for a while so do they love me like they said or was that not true#if they dont then im such an idiot i really care about them i really respect them and love them#idk im really hurting very badly#really stupid for a 25 yr old to feel so hurt because they annoyed someone#but i just wish it was addressed sooner and for someone who prides themselves on being open and honest and direct..#it feels like they maybe just didnt care enough to talk to me about it.#so yk maybe they dont care about me.#which also feels like an offensive conclusion to come to about them when they dont lie and value honesty and openness so much#i dont want to think they dont love me bcs i do think i know them pretty well i do think theyd never lie about that#but maybe ive only convinced myself of that because it would hurt far worse if they didnt#whatever anyways im so stupid and i know i must have fucked things up by being too much again.#ill leave them alone and the hurt will ease up eventually#their friendship has meant a lot to me theyve done a lot for me i dont want to lose it completely i really dont#i just dont regulate well how much i care for my friends and its too much sometimes its one of the worst things about me#but i genuinely want my friends to know theyre loved and thought of and cared about and i mean it#and i cant always tell when i hit overbearing so i fuck things up.#anyways i am sorry i made someone i care about feel overwhelmed and i regret that i made them uncomfortable for i dont even know how long#im hurt but thats the worst thing i couldve done#okay ill shut up now stop talking about it its just still fresh to me obviously cant talk abt it on twt and they dont follow me here#i needed to vent without my irl friends 'fuck them' attitude bcs theyre a good person and friend and it does feel like its only my fault#for the most part anyways minus yk the communication bit#but we'll circle back to the do they even count us friends doubts and we dont need that ill move on now needed to get it off my chest
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