#like wow how isolated have i been the last 3 years to be so delighted by like. active signs i have Officially Made Friends.

[ban-joey]

sending laser beams to my professor with my mind. kenneth you said midterm grades would b up by this afternoon. it is officially TONIGHT and guess what? kenneth i would love to not be clenching my teeth in my sleep tonight. kenneth i will be sending you a bill in the mail. yes i know its probably a TAs responsibility but i blame you personally. i hate school

[johannesviii]

Top 12 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2000

This was the hardest list to make so far, so yeah, it’s a top twelve because I felt disgusting cutting the last two songs. Oh well. Screw the rules.

I turned 12 that year! I had my own cd player, which was also a radio! I could make tapes and burn cds. I could even BUY cds too if I saved all my money for a couple of months! School wasn’t great, because of some bullies, but I still had some friends. I loved Pokemon and drawing in the park. Life felt good.

Music had never sounded better.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

Not gonna lie, this list changed A LOT over the course of this post and I had to rearrange it several times. And then I gave up and changed it into a top 12. Also, this list of honorable mentions could almost make it a top 20 since several of these (half of them, actually) were on the top at some point.

All the small things (Blink 182) - I’m really glad these guys are still around today, to be honest. They always make me smile when I hear their new songs on the radio.

The Riddle (Gigi d’Agostino) - Love it, but it loses some of its appeal without the music video.

Lady (Modjo) - I claim overplay for this cut.

L’Alizé (Alizée) - More on that later.

Move your body (Eiffel 65) - Would have made the list in a more mediocre year, I swear.

Optimistique-moi (Mylène Farmer) - I literally said “self-care” before making this cut. Also the music video is great, it’s an artist trying to escape from some sort of nightmare circus, and a magician helps her. Very underrated music video.

Music (Madonna) - The most painful cut of all. I absolutely loved this song and how weird and disjointed and broken it sounded, and had it on several tapes. And yet there’s no room for it even with a top 12.

And now, the actual list. Warning: it starts with a curveball.

12 - J’pète les plombs (Disiz La Peste)

US: Not on the list / FR: #29

A French rap song about a guy losing his job and being stuck in traffic and subsequently going postal.

Here’s the kicker, though. This guy was rapping for my city, and this music video was filmed mostly in the estate I was living in at the time! That McDonalds at the beginning? It was across the street! That bus stop was in front of high school! Heck, I painted the rocks in that park at the end several times already!

And it became a huge hit!! You have no idea how excited we were in middle school. Everyone knew the lyrics (translation here)! Even if some parts were very rude! We still loved it! We were quoting the entirety of the McDonalds part where the guy wants an egg in his sandwich and is ready to fire a harpoon to get it. “Désolé, il est midi et après midi eh ben l’mac morning c’est fini” was a goddamn meme here.

It would probably have been less funny if the singer didn’t look like a cute nerd, it turns the music video into a hilarious parody. Especially because instead of a gun, he’s menacing people with a harpoon, a giant wooden hammer and a water pistol.

Legends only.

11 - One More Time (Daft Punk)

US: Not on the list / FR: #30

Around the World was a repetitive song, and while I kinda liked it, I didn’t quite get the hype around it at the time. But One More Time is a huge party, and everybody is invited, and all the drama stays at the door, and everyone just has a great time. And it has one of the most fitting music videos ever.

It’s a monster of a song, and even if it’s still a bit too repetitive to be listened to on a loop, it was a delight everytime it was on the radio. And it still is! Godspeed, Daft Punk.

10 - Innamoramento (Mylène Farmer)

US: Not on the list / FR: #91

I really, really tried to keep her off the list. And I failed. Innamoramento, the album, is one of my favorite albums of one of my favorite French artists ever and I’m weak, and out of the five (five) singles out of that album, I only managed to leave two out of my top 10 lists.

This sounds absolutely fantastic. There’s no way I could kick it off the list, even to make room for a guy who was rapping for my estate. And not even for goddamn Daft Punk.

Kill me now.

9 - Absolutely (Nine Days)

US: #35 / FR: Not on the list

I discovered this song in 2008 through a Silent Hill 3 AMV about Heather. Yeppppp. It’s here, and it’s still great 11 years later, and I love it, and this song was so good I put it on my playlist immediately and it stayed on it for several years.

The lyrics never really deliver their promise of telling a “story”, but it’s still a fantastic, bouncy, uplifting song, and it made my world better, and I have to thank that ephemeral band for that.

And I especially loved the very brief pause before the last “girl” in the song. Very relatable.

8 - J’en rêve encore (De Palmas)

US: Not on the list / FR: #27

Listen. I have no idea what’s up with these specific chords, but they are the sound of a weird mix of nostalgia, anger and above all, discomfort. No other song has the exact colors this one has and no other broadcasts this very specific mixed feeling.

Too bad the lyrics are yet another breakup song, or more specifically a post-breakup song (even if the lyrics are very, very good ; I just checked who wrote them and it’s Jean-Jacques Goldman. I had no idea but now, I can definitely hear it), because the music is really something else. At least to me. Is anyone else hearing this?

7 - The Real Slim Shady (Eminem)

US: #51 / FR: #28

Wow. Would you look at that. The ex angsty angry teenager loved Eminem. What a surprise, uh.

To be honest, I already genuinely liked this song as a kid even if I could only understand a few isolated parts and words, and the fact that this guy was pissed off and clearly being offensive, possibly towards everyone, was enough.

Now that I can understand the lyrics entirely, I obviously don’t endorse all of them (like the very backhanded argument for gay marriage. Jesus), but I can’t help it, this song still kicks ass. It would be dishonest to leave it out of the list. I loved it so much at the time. And I still enjoy it a lot.

6 - Natural Blues (Moby)

US: Not on the list. Not on any US year-end list actually. I thought it was big everywhere but no. What happened. / FR: #49

There’s overplay, and then there’s “I keep hearing this song everywhere and yet I can never get enough of it, and I will sing it at school, and I will put it on tapes, and I will listen to it even when it’s not on the radio.”

If you asked me what the year 2000 sounded like, it sounded like Natural Blues. I genuinely can’t believe it’s not on the US year-end chart.

5 - Around the World (ATC)

US: Not on the list / FR: #48

This has no right being this catchy without ever, ever becoming annoying. What kind of evil pact did you make to get this result. How.

4 - Jeune et Con (Saez)

US: Not on the list / FR: #70

The title is “Young and Stupid”. It’s an extremely angry song against the establishment. Didn’t pay a lot of attention to it when it came out because well, I was 12, but I would drink up this kind of angry, angsty song only three/four years later. It has aged like fine wine too and feels like the ultimate ‘Ok Boomer’ song ; here’s a translation. It is brutal. You’re welcome.

If I had better taste this would be above the next two songs.

3 - Daddy DJ (Daddy DJ)

US: Not on the list / FR: #5

As I said in the intro, I started to BUY music that year. I could pick what I wanted to own, as long as my parents thought the cds were appropriate.

So I went to the nearest record store. It was called “Madison” and had a chrome aesthetic, with neons and fluorescent 90s shit everywhere, and banners with band names on it, and somewhat menacing posters (the Iron Maiden ones looked scary). It was very intimidating.

And so, 12 years old Johannes, under dad’s supervision, picked the cd they wanted above all the other cds in the shop knowing THAT one wouldn’t make anyone angry at home, went towards the desk, slapped a lot of coins on it, and bought this, trying to look as fierce and determined a 12 y.o can, which isn’t much.

It still slaps nearly twenty years later and I don’t regret a single thing. That’s all I have to say about Daddy DJ by Daddy DJ.

So I was making this list, feeling pretty good about putting Mylène Farmer so low on it, and I was like oh wow, I genuinely love all these other songs more than the two she released that year! This feels great. This is healing. This is progress. It also means the most controversial things on the list are a nerd threatening people with a water pistol and Eminem spouting his usual bullshit empty provocations. No big deal. It’s okay! Moving on.

What was the French #1 for that year, by the way? I can’t rememb-

OH SHIT OH F█CK

OH NO

2 - Moi Lolita (Alizée)

US: Not on the list / FR: #1

Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss.

Mylène Farmer wrote this for Alizée. Screw the entire universe. I want her off my lists but I can’t because I need to make them honestly.

“I’m not a sucker, I never bought the album AND I never bought these singles in a SHOP, I got them in a garage sale the next year for less that a quarter of the price”, says the person who is, in fact, clearly and definitely a sucker.

How can a song be so horribly catchy and horribly controversial at the same time. HOW. It’s unfair. For some context about how controversial this is if you’re an English speaker, this is what would happen if Bad Guy by Billie Eilish was the catchiest shit in the world. This was almost #1 on my list before I noticed my actual #1 song made it pretty high on the French year-end list despite being mysteriously absent from the US one.

Also I’m glad the music video provides a mostly harmless context: this girl is supposed to babysit her little sister, but she went dancing in a club. And the little sister is looking after her instead. I’m saying “mostly” harmless because there’s that creepy guy who keeps watching her, as if the story was saying “you should not do this and you are putting yourself in danger and this will end horribly”. Which is a sentiment I can definitely get behind, and at the time, I was already highly skeptical about the message this song was sending even if I loved it. I’m just judging that through the comments I was writing next to it on my “favorite songs” lists (”leave your little sister out of this, Alizée”):

Bonus: most relatable comment on the video by a mile.

Same, my dude.

This is why the first album I bought was Daddy DJ and not that one or, uh, the next one.

1 - Stan (Eminem)

US: Not on the list either?? What happened. Why / FR: #18

This song actually created a new English verb. Think about that for a second.

Also, until the end of my life, I will wonder why people suddenly decided, a couple of years ago, than “to stan” now meant “admiring a lot and being a huge fan of” instead of “being a creepy obsessed stalker and possibly dangerous”.

Anyhow.

I couldn’t understand one tenth of the lyrics at the time this was a hit, but I still sneakily put it on my tapes. I knew my parents disapproved. Oh, I liked it. I loved it. I adored it.

I was also terrified of it.

One of the only lines I clearly understood with my limited English was the “I’m your biggest fan” line, and how increasingly dangerous the guy sounded, and that Eminem was trying to answer him at the end but it was too late and he had already done some horrible shit.

This is a horror story in song form, it stays with you long after it’s over every time you listen to it, and it’s a rare and precious thing.

I’m still genuinely terrified after all these years, though.

Next up: another mix of embarrassing shit and valid stuff

[b-kitsune]

Many ways to say I love you: Day Thirty.

Kidge-a-palooza 2019 Prompt: Mist. Pairing: Kidge (VLD) Universe: Fantasy!AU. Status: Part 3/3

''Keith?'' He felt that someone was pulling his sleeve drawing his attention, meeting a worried look from Pidge. ''Are you okay?''

''Yeah... Why wouldn't it be?'' Asked uncomfortably while directing his attention to another place, some nymphs began to make a food competition in which Hunk seemed to be winning. She hummed incredulously to get his attention again.

''You've been looking at that plate for twenty minutes. Lance is betting that you could be like this all night.''

''Ohh.''

He placed the empty plate on a nearby table, returning to the same place he had been throughout the evening. Not that Keith didn't want to talk to others, the air from the balcony window felt good enough to move into the living room, where being surrounded by a sea of ​​people wasn't exactly something that Keith felt precisely comfortable, his dark nature made the crowds seem overwhelming, so he didn't want to mix with each other despite the protests of his friends during the first hours in which he preferred to isolate himself for the moment.

From his place he could see Shiro and Matt laugh along with some close friends who were invited to celebrate their marriage, making a slight smile draw on his face. He liked to see Shiro happy after so long delaying his union with the person he loved, his work as an explorer made finding a suitable date a complete ordeal, until that night, where their souls would be united even after death.

That thought made Keith's interior stir uncomfortably, vaguely remembering what he visualized thanks to Allura's abilities.

Pidge was still by his side drinking from a transparent cup, silently keeping company, looking towards an unknown address in the room.

''If you feel uncomfortable, you can always go back to our home and rest, it's not like Shiro is bothered by it.'' She said after a few minutes in silence, Keith raised an eyebrow, curious.

''Is not that.''

''So?'' Pidge inquired, staring at him.

''What I saw in that cave... It's something worrisome.''

''I think you should stop thinking about that, Keith. It will end up obsessing you and it's not like you can avoid it.''

''So I hope it happens without doing anything?'' Keith responded frustrated, drawing the attention of more than one person around who moved away suspiciously when he saw a notoriously annoying dark elf. Pidge sighed heavily.

''It wasn't what I said.''

''So?''

''Keith looks around you, we're celebrating, we don't must to fight.'' The guilt ate his heart as fast as he heard her, causing the frustration inside to vanish completely. One of her hands landed on his chest, with some guilt in her expression. ''I know Allura is capable of showing you is scary; in part I feel guilty for taking you to her. But if you keep thinking about it, it won't prevent it from happening.''

''I know.''

He responded by taking her hand to bring it to his lips, kissing her knuckles with tenderness, Pidge smiled in response knowing that his concern was valid, she had also lost her mind when she met her prophecy years ago, before beginning her journey as a treasure hunter.

Traditional music began to emerge around the room while the lights dimmed to create an atmosphere as intimate as magical, small lights rose to enchant the atmosphere. In the center of the hall, Keith could see how Shiro and Matt began their first dance as a couple blessed by the union of the ancestors. They were simple and somewhat awkward steps the first few seconds since Shiro was not exactly a good dancer, but he tried his best until they both managed to reach a perfect pace.

Everyone was fascinated by the new union where both were the only ones dancing around as if they were the only people on earth, until Colleen and Samuel, Matt and Pidge's parents that Keith met during the week, joined in a welcome celebration by those present, and began to fill up with more couples who joined the couple's dance.

Even Hunk joined after a few minutes with Romelle, a girl as charismatic and energetic as Lance who joined their group as explorers a few months ago at the request of Allura.

The atmosphere was so joyful and lived with energy that Keith forgot for a moment about his worries until Pidge's hand felt over his. When he looked at her, Pidge bit her lip with longing for a quick look at the room where everyone enjoyed a good time.

Keith released a laugh between his teeth at the implicit question.

''I have two left feet.'' He declared as he let himself be pushed towards the center of the room, Pidge shrugged a little livelier while letting Keith take her waist with one of his hands, she rested hers on his shoulder.

''Look what a coincidence, I have two right feet.''

 Both smiled as they took the position and began to imitate the simple dance that everyone in the room followed. To Keith's surprise, Pidge guided quite well on his steps, that even his lack of ability to keep up was not completely visible. It wasn't long until both were as synchronized as the rest of the couples, and despite being surrounded by so many people, Keith didn't feel uncomfortable at any time, his attention was directed to Pidge, who lowered the dim light looked wonderfully beautiful. Her eyes shone like the hottest fire through the mist of darkness, as did those freckles that subtly peeked over her skin. And that, at that moment, the reflection of the lights next to the makeup that her mother forced her to wear for the traditions, gave the illusion that it shone like the stars, and he would be delighted to count one by one throughout the night.

''Wow, it seems you don't do anything wrong.'' Pidge walked away to allow him to turn her around for a moment. Keith shrugged as if it wasn't the big deal.

''That's because I have a very skilled partner.''

''Yes, I think so too.''

Hearing her laughter was enough for Keith to feel that his heart was compressed with joy by having her in his arms that night.

Until again, the image of her being taken by the prince of the dark elves, returned to his mind painfully that he almost worried others as soon as they saw him take his head.

He growled loudly as the annoyance ceased, those images faded from his thoughts leaving his mind blank. When he looked up, Keith was being watched by his friends who asked if he needed anything or had hit his head by accident.

Allura, who previously saw her enjoy a dance with Lance a few minutes ago, was watching him worried. Something on her face made him think briefly that she also felt guilty for delivering a prophecy he didn't ask at any time.

He rose strongly, avoiding everyone's questions as he headed towards the exit asking for some space. Shiro immediately turned away from the others, saying that perhaps he just felt too tired, and if Keith needed something, he would go to them.

Pidge just watched him disappear a few steps without even calling him, she knew that when he needed to be alone, Keith was completely inflexible.

She just hoped he was fine.

 ...

 He walked aimlessly for several minutes through the valley where a mist loomed in the dark until he decided to lie on the grass meditating on what happened. Not even the moon was visible over the sky, he was only with his thoughts and guilt for worrying his friends during such a special night. But Keith didn't want to deal with anyone at that time, he just wanted to be alone, with his thoughts, with regret at the idea that the person he loved most had the possibility of being handcuffed with the greatest jerk in the universe.

Keith didn't hate Lotor, but thanks to what Acxa spoke to him when they were during their explorations and the way he ended up taking advantage of others, he knew that he wasn't a completely honest person. The reason why Emperor Zarcon had stripped him of the village in the first place. Lotor was a manipulator, a man who loved the use of dialectics to others to take advantage of what he most craved, absolute power.

Just thinking that Pidge could suffer the misfortune of ending up with Lotor, perhaps it was because he could take her to that destination, and it was something that completely stirred his stomach. Because of his indecision about what he felt for her and the idea of ​​thinking that perhaps he had more time to think about what many warned him since his relationship with her began.

Keith had to accept that an open and uncompromising relationship would eventually bore Pidge. She was a nymph, a supernatural being who united in body and soul to what she truly loved, and that project in all her forms in her life.

But he personally was scared.

That he ended up negatively, that she got bored of him, or that his love wouldn't last until the end of their days as it was supposed to be. Life had instilled in Keith that not everything turned out the way one planned, he lost his father from a very young age even when he had promised that they would be both for a long time. And when he met his mother, he learned that half of his inheritance belonged to a cursed race. What could guarantee that your relationship wouldn't end in misery just because he wasn't completely sure of his feelings?

He loved Pidge, but he didn't think she was able to love him forever, no one, really.

By surprise he felt a tongue lick the left side of his head, drooling him completely. There, he saw Kosmo extremely happy to find him, as if he had been separated for a long time, or perhaps he felt that his partner wasn't truly happy.

He stroked the contour of his ear as he saw that Pidge also approached him with a slight smile.

His heart was compressed with pain.

''Hey...'' He greeted her trying to look neutral. She sat beside him while Kosmo snuggled around them both.

''He always knows how to find you, even when we can't see you.''

''Yeah, he is a great buddy.'' Keith replied with a smile. Pidge laid her head on his shoulder with more force than necessary, showing her discomfort in a unique way. Keith didn't complain.

''Shiro wants to think you need to be alone for a moment, but I'm sure you're still thinking about that stupid prophecy.''

''Yeah...''

''If you want to talk, I can always listen to you. I got mine not fulfilled; you know?''

''You were about to be raped by an orc.'' Answered irritated, she just shrugged as if the fact didn't affect her.

''And you were there so that wouldn't happen. That was a tiny possibility.'' Pidge affirmed with a strong determination in her eyes. ''But I held on to it, I believed that someone would help me escape from that destiny. Do you know how difficult it was?''

''I know.''

Keith could give faith in it, so he didn't hesitate. It wasn't easy for either of them to trust others with such intensity, usually, even during missions, they tended to perform their tasks individually. So, he assumed that it was a true ordeal for her to imagine relying on someone else to not die as painfully as at the hands of the elves.

''Trust that you will know what to do so that this prophecy doesn't happen, even if that means depending on others.''

He looked at her for long seconds before nodding, still uncertain. He could see that the freckles that decorated her face didn't shine because of the lights in the room, but because of the natural magic around Pidge's veins, they were like stars, which guided him from the darkness that at that time tormented his thoughts. So he hugged her tightly before he realized, Pidge corresponded after leaving the initial shock.

''It would be much simpler if you weren't involved in that.'' Keith felt her hands cling more tightly around his back as if she could give him some relief.

''Okay Keith, Allura doesn't give the prophecies on a whim. She gives them to people who need to change their destiny. Change it, I'm sure you'll make it.''

''How are you so sure?'' Pidge took his face with both hands; the determination was engraved on her face.

''Because you are by far the most stubborn and proud boy I've ever met, you won't let something like that beat you, will you?''

Keith remained unchanging for a moment until he released a loud laugh that infected Pidge when she spread. He hugged her again, this time both of them lying on the lap of the cosmic wolf.

They stayed that way, for a long time, the dense fog that covered the sky began to slowly fade away to give way to hundreds of stars that shone brightly as if their future was promising. Keith felt it that way, with that sweet nymph by his side, he really felt he could do anything.

Even prevent Lotor from wafting her before him. But for that, there would still be in a very distant future.

[aximili]

Tag Game

Rules: tag 10 mutuals you want to know better. (i am... not doing that bc im lazy but if u follow me say i tagged u i wanna know!!)

I was tagged by @kittycatfemme thank u i always find these things so fun!!

Name: tom

Star Sign: gamzee

Height: 5′3 for some reason i don’t know it in metric 

Put your playlist on shuffle. What are the first four songs to come up?

1.) all delighted people by sufjan stevens

2.) i won’t say i’m in love from hercules

3.) grace kelly by mika

4.) some kinda time from dogfight LMAO,... these 4.... yeah

Ever had a poem or song written about you?

not 2 my knowledge! though my friend and i recently did an exercise where we pretended to write poems from the other’s perspective/in their style, and i was v touched by what she thinks my poems are like 

When was the last time you played guitar?

idk a long time ago, i have never... properly played guitar because im extremely Bad at musical instruments. ive like, twanged on one a bit and just been like wow this is already stressing me out. i’d like to learn at some point!

Who is your celebrity crush?

i have soooo many but janelle monae is like.... the most attractive a human could possibly be. like it’s unreal 

What’s a sound you love? What’s a sound you hate?

i love cats purring!!!!!! i hate raised voices or blaring alarms. those both sound obvious bc nobody does but those two things both tend to send me into like. Real Uncalled For Bad Anxiety 

Do you believe in ghosts?

noooope not to be all like logic is my shield intellect is my blade but that sorta thing im like... when theres scientific evidence, i’ll listen, otherwise, i just think the mind is a powerful thing 

How about aliens?

YES because like its just statistically likely isnt it there has to be some life out there. i doubt it would be anything we can communicate with though 

Do you drive?

do i look straight to you 

What was the last book you read?

i’m reading/re-reading (never got to the end) The Islandman by tomas o’crohan! it’s the true account translated from the irish of his life on great blaskett island as one of the last generations of people to live there in this really isolated time-capsule before the world war forced evacuation. it’s really fascinating to read about how hard and yet how simple life used to be for this community while all the rest of the world was going through such massive change. it’s inspired my writing loads. plus he has such a great voice and sense of storytelling, and there’s a lot of wry humour in the turns of phrase. i really recommend it if you’re interested in irish lit 

Do you like the smell of gasoline?

i do but like... if u smell it for too long u start to feel a bit ill 

What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

hmm i haven’t actually had too many bad injuries! i hit my coccyx incredibly hard when i was a kid once. and then smashed my face in just this year when my bike crashed, but i got off very lightly from that 

Do you have any obsessions right now?

critical role as u may ascertain from my sinking back into being a fandom blogger

Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

really depends? like, if we’re friends and we move past it, we move past it. i won’t hold it against them. but if if someone wrongs my friend i can hold a grudge forever omg. like, i hope my school friend’s first douchey boyfriend from when we were 14 knows we’re still beefing. we’ll probably meet at like, a wedding in a few years or something and i hope he knows i’m fucking him up On Sight 

In a relationship?

hahahahaha nooooo. would like to be but that would require me to socially interact in a consistent and functional manner. 

[dansnaturepictures]

3rd July 2021-Post 2 o 3: Martin Down, the wildlife photos and story of the visit 

On the journey poppies created seas of red nicely in places like I enjoyed last Sunday. And as soon as we entered the Martin Down upper car park there were lovely poppies on the bit of verge as well as pretty greater knapweed and lovely pyramidal orchids. I soon photographed the former as we for my third time after summer 2017 and 2019 went the other side of the road to the upper car park on a great woodland walk with some rich grass habitat too. I took the second and third pictures in this photoset of kidney vetch and yarrow flowers I am having great years for. 

Early along on here I was delighted to see some Marbled Whites the two shown in the first picture I took today in this photoset as we are really hitting the peak weeks for them now. We saw some early on then handfuls in all the bits of grassy areas we came to today really. Including the one in the tenth and final picture in this photoset later in the walk. This included lots of striking browny females and also the special and spectacular sight of some mating which I was very happy to see a couple of times and take photos with my macro lens. Walking on and we saw some great bits of thistle in the woods and did when close to ending the walk coming back along that bit too.

As we walked on we would salute the Admiralty as we got a cracking view of a Red Admiral sat in some vegetation which I got the fifth picture in this photoset of a picture I feel is a key butterfly one for me this year already, wonderful to see this rich red and black beauty one of my favourites and one of my best views of one this year. Then there was a very special moment as I caught sight of a sweet looking White Admiral flitting along the tree line. This was a butterfly I saw extremely well on this walk in 2017 and I was hoping to see today. It was so brilliant to see this quite rare and splendid species. Another of my favourites and another I always feel really fortunate to see it was one I longed to see in my early butterfly days and in 2013 it was a big moment seeing this species on our first ever Bentley Wood visit. And between there, here, Farley Mount/West Wood, Knepp and Bolderwood and Woodlands in the New Forest I’ve been so lucky to not only see them every year but a few times in some of the years in this dizzy early summer period so I really liked seeing it for this year today.

Walking out of the woodland and we got a quick sighting of another butterfly species for the first time this year when an orange Dark Green Fritillary flew by. I was happy to see it as my 33rd butterfly species of the year so getting into really exciting figures now and I am very happy with how my year for seeing butterflies is panning out. Martin Down and Lakeside Country Park at home really are dominating the location field on my butterfly year list now which is really interesting to see. It was the fifth time I’d seen my first White Admiral of the year the same day as my first Dark Green Fritillary of the year so it was great to celebrate this special connection. 

Going through the woods along a path it was nice to see some Ringlets really well a butterfly I had only just seen this year in recent days getting a great close view of some and we did see so many today which was great. A colossal Buzzard flying through the trees was a big highlight too a smashing view. We saw lots of top flowers throughout the walk; my first ever privet I recall seeing, bird’s-foot trefoil, probable common vetchling, hedge nettle, probable white campion, possible dropwort in the seventh picture in this photoset, other orchids, herb-Robert well one shown in the sixth picture I took today in this photoset, isolated speedwell once or twice, common broomrape, bright red poppy, the beautiful common rock-rose a key species for me learnt this year which I did first see here, broad-leaved clover, buttercup and pretty little purple thyme. There was an exciting lot of insects and others seen today as well like two types of beetles one of these I got the fourth picture in this photoset of, hoverfly, bee consumed by a spider and lots of other bees buzzing about on the flowers which was fantastic to see like the one on the thistle in the ninth picture I took today in this photoset. It was also fascinating to see a mushroom in the middle of the long grass which I tweeted a photo of. I have seen a few potentially early ones being so far from autumn lately which you do sometimes get and is interesting. 

Going back a different way on the way back on a thistle clad forest of grass despite being overcast we were thrust into a sweet butterfly summer, and I had one of my most exceptional butterfly moments this year when we went on to see dozens of Dark Green Fritillaries flying about and landed. It was like clouds of orange at one point with as many as four quite regularly on the wing and lots interacting with each other and different species. It was phenomenal to see a strong standout butterfly moment. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many of this species together at once. Seeing them flying, on thistles and on the ground was amazing. I just loved observing it and trying for pictures I managed the eighth in this photoset as well as others of this species today it was a wow moment with this B list favourite butterfly of mine. And it felt like almost all of the summer club of butterflies were out with Marbled White, Meadow Brown and some Small Skippers around too I found myself feeling very content to have reached this time of year.

It was nice to see a herd of cattle behind a gate on the way and on the way back on the walk. Some Skylark song serenaded me late on which was very pleasant. On the way in we saw a Yellowhammer on the road. We left Martin Down and after seeing big pigs going through the New Forest on the way up, it was great to see foxgloves, ponies and foals and apparent pregnant donkeys in nice seasonal sightings. A great Saturday.

Wildlife Sightings Summary: My first White Admiral and Dark Green Fritillary of the year, two more of my favourite butterflies the Red Admiral and Marbled White, one of my favourite birds the Buzzard, Ringlet, Small Skipper, Meadow Brown, Woodpigeon, Skylark, beetles, little moths, hoverfly, bee and I heard lovely Song Thrush too.

[colitisandme]

Firstly Hi again. I am sorry I have been absent for the past few months. Truth is, I have been feeling rougher than a badgers arse and keeping myself away from people with eyes for their own good. The last few months have been particularly tricky to navigate after my last surprising hospital stay. It did not go well. But I wanted to start this year off by doing a year in review... looking back at what’s happened and try to find a Kum by ya moment in a sea of well of just waaaaaaaaaaaah and arrrrrrrgh! So journey with me through the past 12 months of life, love and quite literally the pursuit of toilet roll.

I greeted January with a hi five and with eternal optimism of what this year could bring, “ This was going to be our year” we said with proud and happy voices, only later sadly discovering my optimism had clearly been marinading in all the new years alcohol, and so drunk, incorreherent and nearly blind stumbled into a ravine where it bobbed about helplessly in a sea of tears before plunging into the abyss. Ideal.

In February, Phyllis Fibro barged her way past my defence system, and squeezed her fat behind into my life and with no warning announced she was going to be here for the duration, turned my limbs to jelly, gave me chronic insomnia, ate all my happy snacks, and let her cats scoot in the trifle of my life. Phyllis is like the relative who turns up for a ‘short surprise visit’ sets up camp in your spare bedroom, deletes all your favourite shows off your tv planner, eats your food out of the fridge, steals your favourite clothes then proceeds to stretch them out and give them back to you when they look like overstretched scrotum... all the time finding new and inventive ways of irritating you on a daily basis. That short stay turns into you finding a truck has turned up at your house bulging at the seems of boxes, clothes 13 clothes horses, giant ball of string, bag of costumes for cats and a yearly subscription to ‘football hooligans and where to find them in your neighbourhood’ in your name. We are not friends, I do not like her and wish she would vacate my body as there is simply no room for her and I think her merely being there is catapulting useful stuff out of my ears and filling the space they used to be with goo. I am sure she takes great delight when I try and blindly grasp for the correct word in a sentence and sweating and stammering exclaim ‘ it’s very nice to meet your umbrella/ sandwich/ watering can’ when I meant to say BROTHER. I am sure she cackles heartily whilst they back away with panic on their faces ... it’s an ideal way to make friends and influence people.

Due to the fact Phyllis was turning my brain, legs and general well being into jelly, I was given medication.... have you ever heard your own heart beat? I have. I have also had the pleasure of replaying the lyrics to a Mcfly song in my head for 8 hours straight.... (am 35 years old and so teen pop should not be the automatic thing my drug induced brain turns too) and had a continuous plot line to ‘How I met your Mother on’ repeat.... These are not brilliant side effects to have at 2 in the morning whilst your husband is blissfully slumbering away in the background and your so tired that you want to chew the pillow and cry. So after several weeks of this, it was decided by everyone within a global radius that that particular medication was not for me. Probably for the best as it felt like my heart was going to explode out of my ears and my pupils were the size of saucers. But after they removed it I realised was just going to be little me vs Phyllis, a battle still going on to this day.

March/April brought the beginning of Lockdown and that endless pursuit of well-being, equilibrium, sanity and toilet roll. A shopping trip was like witnessing snarling animals over a territory dispute...strangers with eyes staring, yelling, barging, arguments over who had the bigger trolley every time we want to a supermarket... People scrabbling to get that last pack of baked beans, bowling grandmas down the isles, sending shoppers flying like bowling pins, climbing over children, ripping open packs of spaghetti then proceeding to stab people’s eyes with it, just to get the last bag of cheesy snacks on the shelf... incoherently grunting at the cowering till workers. Like a scene from Shaun of the Dead. I hoped that a crisis would bring out the best in us, that we would all come together and support and look out for our fellow man but no such luck there. And when you are already battling several illnesses all trying to set up a commune inside your body, the thought of going out into the madness that was unfolding all around us was terrifying.

June/July/August was the summer of isolation. Now I deal with isolation on a daily basis but even when your illnesses do a fabulous job of isolating, you find things, tiny things to focus on, enjoy and look forward to. First good thing in this period of isolation, was that I found out I was nominated for an award FOR MY LITTLE BLOG!!! (Victory cookies, trumpets sounded, woo hoo noises) This was a huge surprise and completely awesome. I was so blessed and felt incredibly honoured to even be considered. I truly think that this was one of the proudest moments and achievements in my life and it’s something I remain hugely proud of. Secondly early during this time myself and my dear friend who runs a hugely successful FB group supporting those who have Microscopic Colitis, decided we were going to come together and write a book about living with Microscopic Colitis including my blogs and stories. This makes me go eeeeeeeeeeeeeeep and almost wee myself with excitement. We can’t wait to put it all together for you all. And thirdly my very clever, very awesome husband had passed his last ACCA exam (Yaaaay) and our bubble was holding strong, Me and my husband were adapting to lockdown life and enjoying our time together. All was good.

For a few months, I ignored my raging body, put my fingers in my ears and loudly sang ‘la la la la’ everytime one threatened to ruin my day... ‘I will just try harder’ I would say or ‘it’s not effecting me’ or ‘it’s not beating me’ ... blindly ignoring the fact that my body was screaming at me... because I am stupidly stubborn. I refuse to let anything beat me... especially illness. However an unfortunate event happened around this time, and after it happened, my illnesses must of all had a pow wow, came together by torchlight and all decided that with no warning they were going to barge past my defences, clobber my Arsenal, scratch their eyes out tromp up and down my body yelling “Na na na na na we told you so” in my ears, whist Phyllis stomped on my limbs. She then got out her mallet, whacked my hands so they blew up, and then proceeded to harness her artistic side and paint my hands blue just coz she thought regular skin colour was ‘so last season’ and using a giant straw sucked all the colour out of my face. Miss Anxiety who was usually fairly quiet in her zen garden of peace, decided now was the perfect time to start learning Death Metal music without wearing earphones, whilst reading me my favourite novel ‘100 reasons why you failed’ at in oppertune hours of the morning. Slowly Colin the colon began blowing himself up like a balloon, and built a giant wall so I couldn’t poop and I shook like a vibrator on setting 4. And I couldn’t stop it... it completely swamped me. All that ‘it doesn’t matter it’s not beating me’ was hogwash all the ‘you’re defying what you should be doing’ from my doctors went out of the window.... I was struggling and I knew it and so did my body and once more I had nothing outside my little bubble to distract me from it.

Which leads me to the worst 3 months since I first had the symptoms of Microscopic Colitis and Colin the Colon began behaving like an uncooperative toddler hyped up on sweeties. I kid you not. Brace yourself.

Now firstly I want to firmly state I am used to pain. I am aware that It’s better to be used to daisies or marshmallows, or stroking puppies but sadly I am used to pain. Phyllis gives me a lot of it on a daily and nightly basis. I also have a high pain threshold. No honestly I do. I can be stoic when in pain. Which is useful. You won’t often know I am in crippling pain unless I tell you. So when I say September was the month we refer to as ‘agonising pain month’ you can be sure it really was. A niggle in mid September, which naturally I ignored, turned into ‘HOLY CRAP WHY IS THE DEVIL DOING A CAN CAN ON MY BACK WHIST INSERTING HOT POKERS THROUGH MY SIDE??’ (Insert 39 creative swear words) I tried to go to my happy place which was replaced by fire and knives, deep breathing techniques, which when applied felt like I was breathing in acid’ and positive thoughts were replaced with demons in a conga line singing a rousing rendition of “boiled and roasted, lightly toasted, fricase and lit and flambéd” in unison. Cue paramedics, more swearing, being sent to hospital via ambulance, sucking gas and air, been given a plethora of drugs, poking, needles, and my right hand side feeling like all my nerves were being forcibly twanged like the strings in a guitar. The pain would not go, it did not change, it didn’t ease, it led to 5 days in 3 different wards where it was too painful to touch my skin, mind numbing exhaustion where it felt like my legs were encased in lead and taking a few steps felt like I had run up a mountain, and showers where I would be huddled over in tears trying to wash myself, keep balance and not shout obscenities at my wash cloth.

When you have on your notes that you have a chronic illness resulting in widespread pain, and you end up in hospital trying to explain your body is trying to leave its self forcibly and quickly through a firery tunnel of woe, guess what happens? They assume it’s the chronic illness. Yep. You are immediately bundled into that catorgory without a second thought. Doesn’t matter the pain was on my right hand side, felt like I was being stabbed through my lung, and have never had anything like it before. Nope. And throughout my whole stay I felt like an imposter. Like I shouldn’t be there. Even though I was in so much pain I couldn’t stand and even lying down made me go cross eyed it felt like I was being judged. Scruitinised. They knew I needed to be there. But somehow made me feel like it was all part of my condition. It wasn’t. The stay was also traumatic. There were some very very poorly people on my ward, having incredibly tough conversations with drs, family, hospice and my heart broke more than once during my stay. And my pain team who I have been under since I was introduced to Phyllis, did not come and see me once. Not cocking once, despite being asked to several times. I was not impressed to say the least.

Once I returned home, (still in sodding pain I might add) I had multiple attacks. One attack was so bad my wonderful best friend had to come and rescue me as I had dropped to the floor and couldn’t get up again... and I was completely on my own at the time so thank Christ she did, or Kyle would have come home to me lying on the floor surrounded by a puddle of wee and tears with chew marks in the carpet, where I have tried to propel myself across the room by my teeth. And the thing about consuming more meds than a pharmaceutical trade convention, is that it effected Colin. He declined to let anything pass, like a hulky bouncer at a club... He denied ANYTHING to go through, for 9 days... after 9 days sweating, cramping, hobbling due to back spasms, red faced eyes bulging and dizzy I presented again in casualty .... so off balance in fact I dropped my phone down the loo in a&e and then panicked trying to scoop out the urine sodden device attempting to drying it out under a dryer... sigh. And would they help with Colin, even though I have a bowel disease? NO! “Wait until you reach 11 days, and if no movement then, then we will intervene” I was told. 11 COCKING DAYS!!!! If there was no movement by 11 days they would not have had to intervene, they would have found me on day 11 swearing, full of a combination of laxatives, prunes and other such things scooting on their bloody floor shouting obscenities at the toilet bowl, trying to get my colon out with a spoon. This bout of constipation led to tearing so much i lost so much blood I filled a toilet bowl and consequently 3 more weeks of hydrocortisone suppositories, laxtatives and pain killers and it’s still effecting me now. Colin is most certainly not my friend at the moment. During this time feeling thoroughly abandoned I sought advice in private health care who discovered during a scan that I had a new resident in my right lung... I call him Filbert the lung goblin. He is a small undertiminable mass and is also not bloody welcome. There is no room. I have made it clear to him that he is not staying long but he ignores me and likes to find ways of stomping on my lung in his big Goblin boots at various times of the day causing me to yell out in surprise and pain.

So fast forward to the present day, complete with Phyllis, Colin, Filbert and god knows who else. I have been to physio for my back, (my right side of my back is rigid) where each session she either gives me exercises through zoom or she bends me like a pretzel and pulls me in different directions in person, (after making sure I have consumed enough painkillers to take down a fully grown Rhino) making my eyes bulge. I have been having regular sessions with a Psychologist who is helping me work on ... well me, and it’s not easy. This new back complication makes it doubly difficult, as even the smallest movement in my right hand side can set off hours of hell and spasms so I have had to have found other ways of moving, writing, working holding things and generally coping. I lost my dear friend a little while ago so I am also grieving in my own way for her. But I am also acutely aware that we and our family are safe when thousands have not been, We and our families are without COVID and allthogh isolation makes things harder, we are blessed we have what we have. It’s difficult to focus on the positive in a sea of crap, but I try to keep looking on what’s there rather than what’s missing. I try to find joy in the small things and am finally realising that I have to slow down. The realisation that I am ill has been a long time coming, and the further acceptance that comes with that is even more difficult. It’s definitely been a journey and even though it’s still one step in front of another, it’s still steps forward in the right direction, and even if I lose the map and veer off course, that’s okay too. It’s okay not to be okay and it’s okay to adjust to your new normal whatever that might be. It’s just another chapter and I think I am going to try and be more kind and accepting of my new normal moving forwards. So I start my year with a new found appreciation of myself, trying to be kinder to myself and trying to open up more to my loved ones. It’s been one hell of a year, but it’s a year of difficulties we have all shared in our own way. And by sharing we support each other. After all no matter what last year threw at us all and no matter what this year brings. We are all in this together. ❤️

[firstumcschenectady]

“Rock” based on Romans 12:1-8 and Matthew 16:13-20

Hi. My name is Sara Baron and I have the great delight of being the pastor of the First United Methodist Church of Schenectady.

I also haven't been with the church in quite a while, even in this medium.  If you've joined us in the past 3 months, I may be a new face to you – I've been out on family leave welcoming our child into the world.  The past months have been a roller coaster of emotions for me: fear as our child was born too early, joy at his capacity to thrive, gratitude at the support we received, horror as the pandemic got worse, horror at the continued violence against brown and black bodies, appreciation for those who protested and organized in response, frustration at sitting on the couch nursing instead of being in the midst of the response, melancholy at isolation because of the pandemic, joy in connection because of the gift of a back yard, wonder at watching our child grow, fear regarding my own capacities to work and parent, and then relief to remember how much I love this work and the people of this community.

Thanks for listening to my highlights – I hope to have the chance to hear yours soon.

In the midst of all of this, I've also struggled with my own self judgement over “productivity.”  When I went into the hospital to have our son, I'd written worship, outlined the sermon, and prepared the children's sermon.  I REALLY wanted to just finish worship before stepping into the role of patient, but I KNEW that if I recorded a sermon with the hospital wall in the background, I'd be taken to task about it for the rest of my life.  It didn't change my frustration at being unable to finish.

One among you sent this card 

 to us, and it has embodied the past 3 months for me.  For those who know me well, you may know that this has driven me up the wall.  I spent a lot of time dreaming what I'd do with my next “break from breastfeeding” only to learn that feeding a extra tiny preemie doesn't really COME with breaks.  Or at least it didn't for me.  I'm told I got an extra special dose of being velcroed to the couch.

What is funny is that this was only different for me in matter of degree. For my whole life I've had a running to do list in my read, one that would require every day to be 3 days long and each day to be PERFECTLY efficient, and every day I've been frustrated that I couldn't complete the tasks on my mental to do list.   And then, I feel guilty for what I didn't get done.

I'm under the impression this isn't just me.

All of which I share to admit how I EMOTIONALLY respond to this gospel lesson today – the one where Peter gets called “the rock on which I'll build my church” and I think, “WOW, he must have gotten a lot done to get that title, which is further proof that a human CAN do that much and so I should be able to and I've failed.”  Which, if I'm honest, isn't a great emotional response to this gospel, but it is MY emotional response right now, and I have a fear that many people can follow me.

There are some ironies in my response of course. One is that Jesus didn't ever SAY this, the story we read is the construction of the later Christian community expressing their faith as well as their leadership structure.  The other irony is that this is said to PETER who is the disciple best known for getting everything wrong and putting his foot in his mouth.  Peter, in the gospels, isn't the paradigm of perfection and productivity.  Peter is the paradigm of missing the point.  He wants to build tabernacles at the transfiguration, he encourages Jesus to stay out of Jerusalem for safety's sake, he denies Jesus after the last supper, he refuses footwashing.

It is a funny way to be a rock – but actually, it is rather historically true.  ALL the gospels tell us that Peter usually missed the point, loudly, while Acts and church history tell us that he because the leader among the disciples after Jesus' death.  Its a bit confusing, unless you remember that God doesn't judge us the way we judge ourselves or others.

Which, dear ones, is one of the most significant pieces of faith, and bears rather constant repeating.  Our value is NOT based on our productivity, it is NOT based on our consumption, it is NOT based on our knowledge, it is NOT based on our success.  Our “value” is inherent:  we are beloved children of God, and we are loved because we are God's, and nothing we can do can take away God's love.  We do NOT have to earn God's grace, and we do not have to prove our worth.

If you are like me, knowing this may be easy, living it is not.

But it is a big deal.  Because we believe this applies to EVERYONE, and if everyone is beloved by God... the world is really messed up.  

Now, I believe that our core identity is being beloved by God and our productivity is irrelevant.  AND I think that there is a reasonable question that follows the wonder of being loved by God.... “What is an appropriate response to God's love?”  Or perhaps, “How can I express my gratitude?”  Or, maybe, “That's wonderful, how would God most like me to share my joy?”  (I've heard of a preschool Sunday School teacher who asked it as “What makes God smile?”)

I believe these questions are VERY different from “What do I have to DO to be worthwhile or worthy?” but we tend to get them confused. Or at least, I do.

From my knowledge of God and the Bible, the answer to the questions about responding to God's love are: to love in return.  Love God, and love your neighbor – two sides of the same coin.

But this can get tricky too.  Because sometimes we think that the harder we work to love, the more worthy that love is.  But Paul's sharing in Romans helps counteract that idea.  

Paul encourages us to bring our WHOLE SELVES to God, to worship with body and spirit.  We aren't meant to leave our weaknesses or struggles behind in our God-life.   Responding to God's love is something we do AS WE ARE, not while pretending to be perfect.  #peter

Paul urges us not to be conformed to this world – and I think that is the world where our “value” is in our production and consumption. Rather, we are freed to see as God sees, to love as God loves, to be transformed by grace and to transform the world around us.  Paul encourages the members of the church – the parts of the Body – to use the gifts they have toward the kindom.  Not to use the gifts they WANT to have, nor the ones they THINK are most valuable, nor even the ones others want them to have, but to use the gifts the HAVE.  It even seems a little bit like the wisdom of the IJ book “How to Be an Anti Racist” by Dr. Ibram Kendi – which invites us to take hierarchy out of how we see cultures and people and instead celebrate people and peoples where and how they are.  So too the gifts of God.

Then, it almost seems like God's good gifts enable us to do the work God asks of us, and it isn't all arduous.  It sounds as if I've been often been making things harder than they need to be.

Peter is the rock on which the church is built, and the church has made it 2000 years or so.  The gifts he had, with God's help, were sufficient for the task.  Friends, the gifts we have are too – and they don't always have to be forced.  We are already loved for who we are.  The question is not what we have to do not what we should do.  The questions are what we can do and want to do!  That's how we too can be rocks for the kindom.

Thanks be to God.   Amen

Questions:

Where do you most tend to try to prove your worth?

What most effectively reminds you that you are already beloved of God, as you?

What parts of kindom building bring you joy?

How does it feel to be reminded that Peter was imperfect and still of value?

What would it look like in your life to allow yourself a bit more grace to love LESS arduously? 

---

Rev. Sara E. Baron

First United Methodist Church of Schenectady

603 State St. Schenectady, NY 12305

Pronouns: she/her/hers 

http://fumcschenectady.org/

https://www.facebook.com/FUMCSchenectady

[calturnerreviews]

Happy New Year! I hope you all had a fantastic holiday season and a brilliant start to 2020! I’m going to start the new year off with a look back at the old one – and what a year it was! I was lucky enough to take part in many blog tours and to be given the opportunity to read some amazing and memorable books.

Thank you to everyone who was such a huge part of my bookish life last year! From the brilliant blog tour hosts and publishers to the wonderful and talented authors who kept me entertained (and sane!) all year. Thank you to all those who have taken the time to read and share my blog posts throughout 2019, I really do appreciate it.

I’m grateful to every single one of you and I hope that 2020 will be filled to the brim with even more books and friendship, blog tours and reading. But first, here are my top 10 reads of 2019 (in no particular order). It was difficult to narrow it down to just ten, but in the end I went for those books that I felt had the most emotional impact on me as a reader. I hope you enjoy! 😊📚

Top 10 Reads of 2019:

1. The Ten Thousand Doors of January by Alix E. Harrow

The Ten Thousand Doors of January is a book that deserves to be savoured and experienced. It is a mesmerising and unforgettable book that transported me back to my childhood where my love of reading began. It sucked me into its pages and the real world melted away, just as it had when I was a child and first realised that words had the power to carry me away on a tsunami of magic and adventure, through never ending doors of wonder and delight. Pure perfection.

2. Needlemouse by Jane O’Connor

Oh, what a wonderful and heartwarming debut novel this is! It’s a truly delightful book that left me with a huge smile on my face as I turned the final page, making me feel as though I could go out and tackle anything life decided to throw my way that day! A moving and brilliantly written book that brought a tear to my eye on more than one occasion, Needlemouse is a quirky, fun and moving read that’s full of warmth and heart. A gorgeous and uplifting novel that I would highly recommend.

3. Never Be Broken (DI Marnie Rome 6) by Sarah Hilary

Never Be Broken is the latest instalment in Sarah Hilary’s DI Marnie Rome series, this time tackling the up to date and relevant knife crime epidemic in modern day London. The author isn’t scared to tackle this issue head on in a gripping novel that paints a very real and brutally honest picture of life in Britain today, especially the racism and bigotry that has become even more prevalent since the Brexit vote of 2016.

This book broke me with its unflinching honesty – but somehow managed to put me back together again, leaving me with a feeling of hope rather than despair as I turned the final page. A stunning and thought provoking read that I would highly recommend.

4. The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides

Wow, what can I say? The Silent Patient completely blew me away! It’s an astounding psychological thriller that’s full of surprises, with an intricate plot that twists and turns, leading to a denouement that will take your breath away. I can’t say too much as I don’t want to spoil anything, but this is a book that deserves to be shouted about from the rooftops. But it’s also a book best read cold, without knowing too much about it. It is, without a doubt, one of the best debut thrillers I’ve read in a long time. Highly recommended.

5. The Girl at the Window by Rowan Coleman

  As with all of Rowan Coleman’s books, The Girl at the Window is a book to be savoured. It’s a hauntingly beautiful, spine tingling and atmospheric read that is so deliciously creepy it sends shivers down your spine. Her words weave their magic, sending swirling tendrils of emotion to wrap around your heart, gently squeezing until you feel it’s about to stop. The author’s love of Ponden Hall and Emily Bronte shine through with every page, bringing them both vividly to life as Trudy slowly begins to uncover more of their secrets as the book progresses.

The Girl at the Window is beautiful ghost story that’s filled to the brim with grief, loss, love and hope. There are some genuinely chilling moments to make you shiver as the echoes of the past collide with present day Ponden Hall and the people who live within its walls. It’s a hauntingly beautiful, deliciously creepy and emotionally satisfying story that I can’t recommend highly enough.

6. Expectation by Anna Hope

What happened to the women we were supposed to become? Isn’t that a question most of us have asked ourselves from time to time? I know I have. I often think about all the hopes and dreams I had all those years ago, most of which did not come to fruition. Expectation is a beautifully written and emotional novel that explores just that and is a book that will stay with me. I felt bereft as I turned the final page, not wanting to say goodbye to these characters I had grown to love.

Flawed as they are, Hannah, Cate and Lissa shine a spotlight on the reality and disappointment of life through the years… and I loved them for it. Their actions are not always kind or the right thing to do, but they feel so real, their pain feels so real, and they mirror the imperfections that are in us all. A stunning and thought provoking book that I simply adored.

7. Violet by SJI Holliday

A superb psychological thriller that captures your imagination from the very first page, Violet is the story of two young women who meet by chance and decide to go travelling together. You’re not sure who to trust from the very beginning, with the tension increasing with every page, never quite knowing what to expect next. Are they able to trust each other? Or is one – or both – of these women harbouring secrets they’re desperate to keep hidden?

A cautionary tale of being careful of who you trust when travelling alone, it chillingly shines a spotlight on all the reasons why joining forces with a random stranger and putting your life into their hands is really not such a good idea! Outstanding.

8. A Modern Family by Helga Flatland

Oh wow, what a special and beautifully written book this is! A Modern Family is the new novel by acclaimed Norwegian author Helga Flatland, and has been stunningly translated by the talented Rosie Hedger. It tells the bittersweet story of one family’s struggle to cope with their parents decision to divorce after more than 40 years of marriage.

This is a book that got right under my skin, making me think of my own family  and how something totally shocking and unexpected can happen that changes everything in the blink of an eye. I can’t even put into words how much I loved this book. A beautiful and moving read that was an easy choice to include in my top ten.

9. Five Steps to Happy by Ella Dove

Oh my goodness, what a beautiful, moving and inspiring debut novel this is! It’s so nice to have a positive story that shows what living with a disability can be like, instead of the doom and gloom we usually see. It’s made all the more poignant as it is based on the real life events that happened to author Ella Dove,so you know it comes from a place of true authenticity and understanding. Five Steps to Happy is a beautifully written book that I fell in love with from the outset. The author’s real life experience of the difficulties people with disabilities face on a day to day basis shines through with every word. The larger than life characters Heidi meets in this book are a true delight and felt very real to me.

As the parent and carer of a young adult with a lifelong disability, I couldn’t help but feel a personal connection to this beautiful book. Even though my daughter’s circumstances are very different to Heidi’s, it was inspiring to finally read a story where having a disability didn’t have to mean the end of the world, but could very well be the start of a new one that is filled with endless possibilities. A stunning, beautiful and moving read that will stay with me.

10. Call Me Star Girl by Louise Beech

Call Me Star Girl is a powerful and moving psychological thriller that lures you in from the very first page. Stella McKeever is about to host her final radio show and wants it to be all about secrets. If you tell her yours, she’ll share some of hers. But no one could possibly expect the devastatingly dark turn things are about to take, with the creepiness and isolation of being alone at the radio station ratcheting up the tension to almost breaking point. I had no idea how heartbreakingly twisted the story was about to become, but Louise Beech is an extraordinary storyteller and her exquisite writing held me in thrall right up until the final page had been turned.

An atmospheric and haunting psychological thriller that is as moving as it is suspenseful, Call Me Star Girl is a dark, twisted and stunning read that is easily one of my top reads of 2019.

11. The Photographer of the Lost by Caroline Scott

Yes, I am aware that there were only supposed to be ten books on this list, but there was no way I could post a ‘Best Books of the Year’ list without including this exceptional debut novel by Caroline Scott. It isn’t very often that a debut novel comes along that is so hauntingly beautiful you find it difficult to put your emotions down into words. But The Photographer of the Lost is one such book. I was mesmerised from the opening paragraph right through to the incredibly moving and unforgettable conclusion.

It is a vividly portrayed snapshot into the lives of the men who were lost amongst the devastating chaos and ruins of World War One. But it’s also the story of those who were left behind, those men and women who were desperate to find their loved ones again. Caroline Scott has written a book so haunting I know it will stay with me for a long time to come. A beautifully written and brutally honest account of a time in history that should never be forgotten, I loved every word of this story that’s full of so many poignant and moving moments that will stay with me forever. A special book that I simply had to include in my top reads of the year.

Some of the books I’m looking forward to reading in 2020:

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Here’s to another fabulous year of books!

Look out for my first book review of 2020 soon.

  My Top 10 Reads of 2019 #Top10Books2019 @AlixEHarrow @JaneOConnor100 @sarah_hilary @AlexMichaelides @rowancoleman @Anna_Hope @SJIHolliday @HelgaFlatland @EllaRoseDove @LouiseWriter @CScottBooks @annecater @Tr4cyF3nt0n #bookblogger Happy New Year! I hope you all had a fantastic holiday season and a brilliant start to 2020!

[crystalnet]

Top 5 Zelda Games

Well fuck here we go. This is going to be extra hard as far as my Top 5 lists this month go because of the sheer consistency across this franchise. Outside of a few titles that leave some fans less than totally thrilled like Link's Adventure, Phantom Hourglass and Spirit Tracks, most titles in this series could conceivably recieve a perfect score depending on what kind of fan you are. And then even those 3 games could probably be argued somewhat convincingly for as well. And yet, we all have our preferences deep down, and in my heart of hearts I know my favorites. As a disclaimer, I'll just admit upfront I'm committing a cardinal sin by not including Ocarina, Majora's Mask OR a Link to the Past in my top 5. For many fans, that is heresy, but I quite simply didn't grow up with those titles and despite playing them later have never done the formal revisiting that I still owe them. So while things could change, this is how it stands now. So alas, let's get it started off right..

1. Breath of the Wild

I'm going to be unoriginal in a way many fans will probably be going forward and some already are in that I'll just go ahead and throw all my support/fandom at this most recent title. Yet even for as hyped this thing is among fans, it's still a somewhat bold choice. How could the latest entry in a three-decade old series be the best? But it's pretty easy for me to pin-point why. It shakes up a lot of things in the series, especially the console ones while also adding in a lot of new mechanics inspired from recent triple-A mainstream games, all while basing the structure and openness around the very first tile of the game, and still retaining almost all of the tropes that make a Zelda game a Zelda game, while even re-energizing them as well. Instead of 4-8 big isolated dungeons, we essentially have 120 mini-dungeons scattered across the world. And the proper dungeons are excellent in that they are puzzle-box style, in the way some of the best Water Temples have been in the past, and that's the best kind of dungeon as far as I'm concerned. Then there are additional mini-gauntlets and trials scattered throughout the world like the special shrines such as Eventide Island, mazes or the deceptively deep Hyrule Castle. Also at play are the deep physics of a game like Portal with the emergent game-play and stealth of MGSV, the tower-system of Far Cry, the intensity and combat and a similar weapon system of/to Dark Souls and the openness of any number of AAA open-worlds. And yet it's largely more open than any of those due to the non-linear structure of the game, which is a call back to the OG. All of these elements are curated and designed cohesively and coupled with new mechanics like the engaging weapon-breaking and collecting system, a deep survival-horror/farming inspired cooking and crafting system, and a completely new sense of challenge compared to the other console games.

Things just really came together on this one. I could wax poetic about it until the cows come home, but it's quite simply a game that contains a multitude of ideas and systems that are the best I've seen in my 20+ years as a gamer. On top of everything is an excellent visual-style that helps make a rather complex game and world endlessly accessible and playable, and a lovely soundtrack to boot. It's quite simply a game-changer in every sense of the word and make me very happy to be a Zelda fan. There’s something really special about how weak and relatively unprepared you feel when you start off compared to the end when your rocking multiple Guardian spells, dope weapons, wands and bows and killing Lynels left and right. Plus it's not even over yet-- DLC for the win.

2. Skyward Sword- 

So my second one is a less unanimously hype entry, but for me it's one of the most playable Zelda games, and that's largely because I enjoy the motion-control so much, though I could see why some might consider it a bit gimmick-y though. For me it largely works and helps make this game the most kinetic-feeling Zelda game, along with the added stamina gauge and the Loft-wing flying (yep, I even like that). Combat in Windwaker and Twilight, while still being decently fun, can feel very cut-and-dry not to mention easy (though TP does end up getting deeper by way of sword techniques), but the fact that they were able to innovate the combat in this way so that the player themselves are truly holding the Master Sword in a way that Twilight only hinted at is a true success.The deeper item-collecting and bug-hunting along with the weapon upgrading make this one feel a lot deeper in terms of customization compared to the console games prior to this. And I also love the side-questing in this one which makes nice usage of the day/night-cycle. Even though the world-map could have been a bit more expansive, there ends up being quite a bit to to in and around Skyloft so that there's always stuff to entice you off the beaten and admittedly linear path.

The level and dungeon design is also ace, and even though it lacks a proper Hyrule Field area or expansive open-world- feeling between the actual terrestrial locales, for my money, the environments are infinitely more fun to explore and well-designed than much of the somewhat barren-feeling Hyrule of Twilight. All of this combined with fantastic music and my favorite visual style of any of the Zelda's and we have a winner. There’s just something about the gestalt of it all, the over-all package, that really come together for me. Lot’s of personality, beautiful locales and designs, fun questing and NPCs, great dungeons and unique new elements like the Loftwing-riding, motion-control and level-design make it an easy win. Also: Groose and Fletch ftw! 

3. Link's Awakening-

My first Zelda, and so one for which I have a lot of nostalgia. While other kids were having their mind blown by OoT, I was getting deep into this one, and that's just fine with me. This entry is like what Majora's Mask was for Ocarina except for Lttp in the way it tweaks a classic entry, presenting a weirder more fantastical take on a perfected formula. I also like this tropical island-y feeling for Zelda as opposed to the more strait-forward medieval-feeling world of LttP and it hints at the take on Zelda found in Windwaker. It is also rather light-hearted and from what I gather is the first time a Zelda game featured its now standard sense of humour. On top of all the solid dungeons and exploring to do (and a bonus dungeon included in the deluxe GBC version where you could attain a red or blue tunic), you have a cameo by Yoshi and Bow-Wow, a photo-shack, magic powder that helps transform a man trapped as a raccoon back to normal, 8 magical instruments, mermaids, a big trading sequence and a Wind Fish, all culminating in the revelation that Koholint itself is an island dreamt up by the Wind Fish himself (or is it..?). Yeah this game is bad ass. It also feels like the most Nintendo-y Zelda game in a way that Windwaker and now BotW also do in a way I can’t quite explain but has to do with the bright cartoonishing fantastic setting and aesthetic. And I'd catch a lot of flack for this, but for my money, this one's even better than LttP, but you didn't hear that from me.

4. Windwaker- 

LA isn't the last time Link would be so naval. Besides just sailing to Koholint, the hero takes to the seas once again in this title, and this time its actually a central part of the game. The big innovation that this one adds to the mix-- the sailing, charting and island-based exploration-- is the thing that makes this game so special. This is a huge departure from the strait-forward maps of older games, making the world that much more open and mysterious while also calling back to the grid-based exploration of the 2D titles in the way that each sector of yr map contains at least one island, so that it effectively combines the sense of openness and perspective you feel exploring a 3D Zelda Maps with a grid-based map like the old games. And while there could honestly be a bit more going on in this world, there's still a wealth of side-content, and while exploration isn't as seamless or incentived as it would be in BotW, there's still something really great about setting off to wander around the big blue. 

Beyond the fun of slowly filling up your map and controlling the wind to reach yr destinations, or just wander, the game is an aesthetic delight, sporting the vibrant cell-shaded graphics that ignited fan-boy wars the world over, while also making tons of die-hard fans of the style at the same time. It's presentation is quite simply gorgeous and would be an inspiration for BotW's look later. Beyond the unique and bold style, it's a joy to play, with some really solid dungeons and some of my favorite side-characters in a Zelda title (Medli and the bard guy). The last 2 dungeons are especially stellar, and the Celtic/Irish inspired music are as delightful as the visuals. While I rank this game pretty damn close to Twilight, it ultimately comes out on top because I like the over-all gestalt of it more. It has great flow and feels less linear, and the world is decidedly more engaging and packed with personality. Plus this is the only Zelda game that feels like its a blast of Vitamin-C in video game form. It's an all-around win.

5. Twilight Princess-

A few years ago I might have told you this one was my favorite, but that was before BotW kind of changed what we can come to expect from a console title. I now value innovation in this series more to than I used to, and since innovation might be this game's weak-point, it has suffered in rank slightly, but I'd be damned if I didn't still love it. While the only thing that is truly "new" to the series in this one is a wolf form (and Majora already had transformation mechanics in spades), it is otherwise an excellent take on the mythology of Zelda. In some ways, it is the most strait-forward high-fantasy take on the series, in many ways repeating a lot of the aesthetics found in LttP and OoT while playing up the "western high fantasy" aspect of them even more. In this way, this game has begun to ring just a bit hollow. It's just a bit too bland to be a top 3 Zelda. For all the nice touches like Midna's charisma, the nicely dark atmosphere and story and the expansive map, there is also something slightly under-whelming about it and that's why even though it's still one of my faves, its the last one here. The main reason it still makes it though is that it is still simply one of the most solid and consistent Zeldas. The visual style, though a bit tame, is excellently realized in many ways, especially in the remaster, with brilliant lighting and unique realism that we haven't gotten again in a title before or since, and which seems to aim at being the Ocarina of our minds, instead of the polygonal one we actually played in the way it presents a kind of deeper, more up-to-date take on that world, while being a bit less unique. 

The true x-factor though are the dungeons. I think this may be the most dungeon-y console Zelda of all time in the way that there are 8 of them, tying only with Ocarina for amount-- and they are largely very excellent. Some of my favorite dungeons like the Ice Mansion, the Sky Temple, the Lakebed Temple and the Temple of Time are sprinkled throughout this epic adventure, and these dungeons don't mess around. Again, they don't especially add much to the mix, but instead present an undeniable take on the infectious Zelda dungeons we have come to know and love (Though the mansion is a very unique environment). And that's why I think it feels like this game isn't messing around. Sure there's no game-changer like a sailing or bird-flying mechanic, and truly controlling your sword wouldn’t actually come until Skyward, nor does it boast being a full overhaul like BotW, but what is there is some classy-as-hell, tasteful Zelda-style gaming, not to mention it’s Dungeon-crawler’s heaven. The side-quests in later console games would be much improved and more fleshed out, and that's another weak-point when compared to Majora/WW especially, but the main game ends up being so substantial and rewarding that it doesn't matter. Truly a Zelda for all my dungeon fetishists out there. And, yeah, Midna rocks. 'Nuff said.  

runner-ups:

6. Oracle of Seasons- Still need to play Time but this was an excellent follow up to LA put out with the help of Capcom. An imaginative world that is a departure from Hyrule just like Link’s Awakening/Majora’s mask. Fun season-changing mechanic, the magical ring-mechanic and cool characters like the flying bear Moosh and the wizard Ralph make for a great Zelda outing (damn that disruptive Witch thief). 

7. Zelda 1- it’s dope. maybe over-hard by today’s standards but this thing is sick so what it is and how it plays as an early example of a non-linearly structured open and immersive fantasy world. Back in ‘87 you had to crack out the manual to find the 1-800 number Nintendo provided to people looking for hints because of the difficulty of finding your way to and into all the dungeons, but for those who followed the included map, this thing proved to reveal itself to one in time. Super fun, and the classic Zelda dungeon blue-print arrives fully and brilliantly formed. And this thing still holds up because of these dungeons, along with the freedom and engaging non-linearity. 

Ones I need to get around to playing ASAP: The Ocarina and Majora remasters on 3DS as well as Link Between Worlds apparently. Need a 3DS. Zelda II-- should give it a crack. Should re-play LttP also...~