#anyway i really like this one hope u do too

[vxsellie]

𝔩𝔢𝔱𝔱𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔤𝔬. — E.W

summary. ellie slipped between your fingers, falling right out of your grasp as though she were liquid. it was better for you both, sure, but that doesn't make losing her any easier. ⌇ 4.7k wc.

notes. i posted a poll a few weeks ago asking what u guys wanted to see & this was ur answer so here she is! i hope it lives up to ur guys standards! anyway,, first and foremost, this is based off of the songs 'your needs, my needs' & 'call your mom' by noah kahan. he does a fantastic job depicting addiction and the impact of its severity. i heavily suggest listening to those songs in order to grasp the depth of what i'm trying to portray here.

second, i want to preface this by saying that i am not romanticizing or promoting addiction in any way whatsoever. drugs & alcohol are horrible coping mechanisms. as someone who has lost many loved ones to such horridly, i'm writing this in an attempt to shine light on the raw, dark side of what this can lead to. if u or anyone u know is struggling with something similar to ellie in this story, my DMs are always open!

warnings. graphic depictions of death and grief, substance abuse, alcohol & drug addiction, brief toxicity, intoxicated arguments, flashbacks, mentions of vomit, unintentional suicide attempt, angst angst angst

FEBRUARY.

cold fingertips brush the skin of your cheekbone, rousing you from slumber. you know who it is without having to open your eyes, her voice proof of that. ellie's breath still smells of her minty toothpaste as it fans across your face. she leans down to press a kiss to your nose. "good mornin'."

you groan, draping an arm over your eyes. ellie chuckles, her footsteps padding across the hardwood flooring of your shared bedroom. metal scrapes against itself as she pulls the curtains back, allowing sunlight to file through the space. your groans only grow in volume at this, pulling the duvet over your head.

"it's too early." you grumble, voice muffled beneath the pleated fabric.

"baby," she crosses the room back to the bed. you feel the mattress dip under her weight as she sits down on the edge, one of her hands coming to massage the calf of you leg. "it's almost noon."

begrudgingly, you peel the blanket away from your face and frown at her. auburn hair glows like a halo around the crown of her head, her freckles catching the light against her fair skin. oh and those eyes. god, you could look into them until the world came crumbling around you — which it technically has, considering the apocalyptic milieu that encompasses jackson.

"it's saturday, els." you tell her. "we can sit around and do nothing all day."

a smile tugs at her lips, dimples adorning her skin. "actually, maria wanted our help in the gardens today, remember? you got drunk a few weeks ago and agreed."

"oh. i was really excited to be unproductive." you sigh, expression falling. "we could've made breakfast, cozied up on the couch, watched a few sad movies, have sex. y'know, the domestic crap that elderly couples do?"

"first of all, i already made you breakfast." she says, nodding her head in the direction of the opened door. you turn toward it, craning your neck to peer through the doorway. sure enough, there's a plate of eggs and bacon sitting untouched on the countertop in the kitchen. "second, we can still cuddle and watch movies after helping maria. third, we can have sex whenever we want. we don't need to plan it out like teenagers anymore."

you grin at her, "yeah, but where's the fun in that?"

she laughs, the sound melodic. it carries through the air like a hymn, alighting the nerves within you like an ignited flame. if you were a wick, ellie would forever be the match. she lights you up, acting as apollo to your icarus. well. without the harsh fall, of course.

"c'mon, stupid." she says, grabbing you by the wrists and pulling you into a sitting position. you allow yourself to be pulled, dramatizing ellie's haste as you flop forward, leaning against her chest. it shakes with laughter as she removes a hand from your wrist to run her fingers through your hair.

it's matted and unbrushed, though she loves it just the same. loves you just the same. no matter how bad your breath smells in the mornings or how tangled your hair, ellie would never dream of complaining. why would she? to be given the chance to wake up next to you each day, she'd do anything. even if that includes putting up with your silly jokes and your dysania.

domesticity is irrefutably ellie's absolute favorite thing in the world. to make breakfast for you, moving about the kitchen you'd decorated together. to brush her teeth beside you. to give you a gentle kiss before leaving the house. to spend the day longing for your embrace. to come home to you warming dinner over the stove. to listen to you ramble on about your day over the meal. to take a shower where your shampoos sit side by side, her having to use yours when her own runs low. to return to bed to see you dressed into something cozy. to latch onto you under the blankets, limbs tangling together. to smell your hair and know hers smells the same. to fall asleep in the proximity of the girl she loves.

that's her favorite. that's what she'd rather eat glass than live without. and she'd never fathom the idea of doing it with anyone else.

MARCH.

the day joel dies is hard on everyone. he was a glue to the town of jackson, his country drawl and greying hair fading together into a soft presence that was adored by all.

especially by ellie.

and you knew this better than anyone. she loved joel like a father, perhaps even more so. she looked up to him as though the man had hung the stars in the sky. when he died, everything good and right in the world died alongside him. including ellie's gentility. her green eyes hardened, her smiles thinned, her hair matted. she was a wreck.

she doesn't do anything, though nobody in town expects her to. you've picked up on all the chores around the house, refusing to make her do anything in such a state of grief. she holes up in the bedroom all day, never leaving bed. not even to eat.

the first few days of this, you had to force her to eat, coaxing her into opening her mouth and having to remind her to chew. she claimed it tasted like chalk and she needed to spit it out. she cried when you refused to let her. "i don't want it." she'd repeated over and over between sobs, despite only having taken a bite of the stew you made. she leaned on you, her greasy hair falling over her face. you rubbed her back, the vertebrae of her spine poking through her skin.

"i know baby, i know." you whispered. it took everything in you not to start crying at the sound of her sobs, but you knew that would only make things worse. so you stayed beside her until her cries ceased and her limbs fell limp against you. you then laid her back against the mattress, making a mental note to approach this better next time.

she eventually got better at eating, though progress was slow. she's now currently able to eat one meal a day without puking it back up from nausea. the amount of times you've held that poor girl's hair back for her is immeasurable. she's not herself. and it pains you to see her like this, but you haven't a clue how else to handle it.

it's been two weeks since joel's death. ellie has still yet to leave the house and rarely leaves the bed, though she goes to the bathroom now. so thats good. you think it is, at least. she still needs to be reminded when to eat and needs help in the shower sometimes, or she'll stay in there for hours without even touching the soaps. her mind is a plethora of nonsense, malarkey acting as the puppeteer to her every waking thought.

"here," you speak softly, reaching across the tub to grab her shampoo. when you pick it up, you register that it's barely been used. you frown at this. "ellie, why—"

"i like yours better." she mutters, so quiet you can barely hear her voice.

"what? you never liked mine better." you say with a frown, though you don't hesitate to oblige her request. you place her shampoo down and grab your own. "you've always insisted that we buy that specific brand for you."

"yeah, because it's the brand joel uses- uh, used."

your movements cease, heart clenching. her voice cracked as she spoke, eyes burning as she swallowed harshly. you take a deep breath to ground yourself, blowing out through your mouth. you can not cry right now. not in front of her.

you'd made that mistake last week. you started crying when you saw her journal and all the crossed out drawings of joel. she frowned, appearing genuinely confused by your sadness. she comforted you, which only made you sob harder. you felt so, so guilty for it because she's the one who should be comforted, not you. but she's so loving that she can't even stomach seeing you upset.

as you apply your own shampoo into ellie's scalp, massaging it to bubbles, you decide that you'd do anything for her. for your light, your apollo.

MAY.

it's like living with a ghost. two months since joel's death and ellie has begun to change. drastically. she's never home anymore, always hanging out with her friends or busying herself with work. you have the sneaking suspicion that it's her way of keeping her mind from succumbing to that aching grief that embodied her in march. so you say nothing, deciding to let her be.

though, admittedly, you begin to wonder what she does when she doesn't come home. when she stays out for three days without telling you where she's going nor been. when you cook dinner for two, only to eat for one. when your shampoo sits in your shower only used on one scalp.

you've found it hard to fall asleep alone after living with ellie for so long. you'd grown dependent on the comfort her presence provides. tangling your legs together under the blanket while her arms wrap around your waist. now, in her stead lies an empty mattress and unwrinkled sheets.

it's currently been three days since you last saw ellie. you're sitting at the dinner table alone, picking at your pasta when you hear a rapid knock at the door. you instantly perk up.

you hope it's ellie, though you wonder why she doesn't just let herself in. she has her own set of keys, so why knock?

you stand from your chair, the legs scraping against the wood flooring as your push to your feet. the door creaks on its hinges when you pull it open. just as you'd thought, ellie stands on the porch. her head is lowered, auburn tufts covering her face like a veil. or perhaps a mask.

you open the door wider to allow her entry. the light pools out onto the porch and across the tops of her converse. she notices the shift and begins to enter, though she's acting strange. she's stumbling over her own feet, refusing to lift her head. your brows furrow as you lock the door behind you.

when you turn around, ellie is sitting in your chair as she begins to eat from your plate of pasta. you frown, "i can get you a serving, if you want. i made enough for two. i always do."

she lifts her head and you realize why she's acting so weird. between her lidded eyes and bloodshot scleras, it's clear that she's not sober. she raised a brow at your staring, "what?" her tone is sharp, unlike herself.

"nothing, baby. it's fine." you sigh, turning to grab her a plate from the cabinets above your head. you pull one from the shelf and begin to add pasta onto it. however, by the time you reach the table, ellie's passed out atop it. her face is smushed into the tabletop, hair getting all in your food.

you huff out a breath, shifting to hold her plate in one hand before lightly shaking her shoulders with your other. she doesn't rouse so you shake her even harder. eventually, she snaps awake. perhaps too quickly, because she thrashes out. her arms flail, knuckles colliding with your cheekbone.

the plate in your hand falls to the floor, glass shattering against wood. ellie's eyes widen, her gaze trained on your face as yours remains trained on the broken dish below your feet.

she begins to stand, "i didn't mean—"

"it's okay, els." you assure her with a small smile, urging her to sit back down. the last thing you want is glass in her foot.

"no, i—" she shakes her head, clearly fighting her own mind as she combats for ascendancy over her inebriation. "i hit you.. i never meant to— to ever—"

"ellie." you interrupt, voice hard. "it's fine."

her lips thin as she gives you a curt nod in response. you walk into the kitchen to retrieve the broom. when you return, ellie is out of her chair and walking toward the door. you frown at her and she gives you a pitying look before exiting the house without another word.

AUGUST.

"drugs, ellie?" you shout, hands flying up in emphasis. "you're taking fucking pills now!?"

"don't snoop through my shit!" she shouts back.

your voices bounce off the walls of your home. once such a cozy, quiet place of solace. now only visited in short increments when in need of food or a bed. the light of the candle you'd lit this morning glows a soft orange, almost taunting you with its clashing softness.

ellie hasn't been home all month. she finally came back last night, kissing you gently as she apologized for acting so strange. she confided in you, explaining how she's been having a hard time but intends to make up for it. her hands were benign as she ran them over your bare skin last night. oh so kind, she was. her words were like music, playing the exact lyrics that you'd coveted for months.

only to wake up this morning and find out the truth. you'd come into the kitchen to prepare her breakfast, a soft smile on your lips as you lit the candle. you'd noticed that she left her coat on the counter and reached to grab it for her. you hadn't meant to snoop, just to clean up behind her. as you've been doing since march.

but then you heard an odd sound from within the pocket. you reached into it, thinking she'd left her keys. and you knew ellie long enough to know that she'd freak out, thinking she'd lost them if you didn't put them on the table for her.

but they weren't her keys. they were pills.

"i didn't snoop, you asshole!" you exclaim. "i was trying to help you!"

"i don't need you controlling my fucking life all the time!" she shouts, features contorted into an expression of rage that you'd never seen her wear. it was disquieting.

"controlling?" you shake your head in disbelief. "i'm trying to keep you from doing shit you'll regret! i'm sorry for caring!"

"oh, don't fucking turn this on me." ellie scoffs.

you watch her with furrowed brows. is she serious? turn this on her? you're genuinely unsure on what you did wrong. you let her back into the home, slept with her, made her favorite breakfast in bed. then found out that she fucking lied. she was keeping shit from you.

your tone is much softer when you ask, "..were you even sober last night?"

her jaw clenches, but she doesn't respond. tears well in your eyes at the thought.

you'd never been more excited than you were last night. to finally have her back. your ellie. to have her coming back to you, for you. you'd fallen asleep last night studying her features. your fingertip traced the slope of her nose down to the cupids bow of her lip.

your chest aches as you say these next words. "get out of my house."

"your house?" she asks.

you feel like your drowning. or perhaps you're choking. or falling. but whatever it is, you're sure it's irrevocable. your throat is so tight you can hardly breathe. "i want all your shit packed and out of here by the end of the month."

ellie's eyes widen. "you're not serious."

"i've never been more serious in my fucking life." you say. "you can't storm in here whenever you want, use me like some whore, then leave when you feel like it. i'm tired of your bullshit ellie, that was my final straw."

her eyes are glassy as she grabs her coat — which is still full of pills — and leaves.

the moment the door slams shut behind her, you fall to the floor. your knees give out beneath your weight, the tile flooring cold against the palms of your hands. so this is what it is to fall. to chase the sun and get burned. to melt your wax and plummet. all you can thing, as you hear ellie's muffled cries outside the door, is how much you empathize with icarus for being foolish enough to reach for apollo.

OCTOBER.

jesse is throwing a party for his twenty second birthday. it's not a huge party, but large enough that you're sure ellie will be there. it's only been two months since you broke things off with her.

nothing, since then, has felt real. the length of your hair, the shape of your bones, the height of your spine. nothing is right in the world. in you.

but this is for jesse, not for ellie. if she's here today, that's her problem. not yours. for once, it's ellie's turn to regret. you're sick of being the one crying at night when you can hear her unlock the door to retrieve her things when she thinks you're asleep. you're fucking tired of it. she's the one who ruined everything.

you knock one, two, three times before the door swings open. dina smiles at you kindly as she widens the door to allow you inside. you thank her, though you know she's not your friend. you two aren't on bad terms necessarily, she just doesn't seem like you all that much. which is fine.

you enter the home to see that most guests have already arrived and are already drinking. jesse is in the living room, a goofy party hat atop his head as he shouts at the television. behind him, people laugh from the couches. one of those people is ellie. her legs are spread, an empty beer bottle hanging from her loose fingers. she doesn't seem to notice you, engrossed in whatever is happening on the tv. dina's gaze lingers on you for a moment before she leaves.

you walk to the kitchen to place your belongings down, pulling out the gift that you'd bought for jesse. the kitchen is empty, everyone else having crowded into the living room. though, it doesn't stay empty for long.

"what're you doin' here." ellie's voice speaks from the doorway. you don't look in her direction, not daring to.

"jesse's my friend too, ellie." you remind her with a sigh, placing the gift on the counter alongside all the other gifts.

part of you yearns to run to her, to pull her into your arms out of pure instinct. but you're not able to do that anymore because she's not yours. you spent over five months trying to comfort her into sobriety, only for your efforts to be in vain. so, instead of acting on foolish impulse, you keep your feet planted in place as you refuse to face her.

"you can't even look at me?" she slurs, voice tinged with annoyance.

"you're not yourself, right now." you say, eyes remaining pinned to the countertop in front of you. "i don't want to see you like this."

in truth, you know the sight of her so intoxicated would only ruin you further. it'd make you yearn for her even more as your mind reminisces on all that's been lost. all those wasted months you could have spent with her. all those nights you took for granted. those smiles. those eyes. seeing her like this would tarnish the few good memories that prevail.

"right," she scoffs, "'cause you're such a fuckin' saint yourself."

"i might not be a saint, but at least i'm still me." you say. "i haven't changed into some pathetic shell of a person."

her jaw clenches, "i'm still me, too."

"no, ellie, you're not." you finally lift your head to face her. your brow is knitted, concern painting your features with something akin to sorrow. it shoots through ellie's chest like a dagger, the sight of your saddened expression. she swallows, burying whatever sense of guilt she feels deep under a facade of vexation. "you're not the woman i fell in love with, you—"

"yes i am!" she shouts, slamming the empty bottle onto the countertop. a long clang rings through the space between you. "i'm the same fucking person!"

"ellie, dont—"

"y'know, back in april, you told me that grief comes in all different forms. you told me that what i'm feeling is normal! you—" her words are cut off by the sound of her voice cracking. your heart cracks along with it.

"that was before i knew how bad this would get." you say. "i thought it was just alcohol."

"it was!" she exclaims. "for a while, it was!"

"it doesn't matter what it was." you snap. "it's no longer just alcohol anymore. you're into pills and drugs and—"

"you can't fuckin' blame me for that!" she yells. you're sure everyone can hear her now. though, due to how drunk they are, you doubt they care enough to eavesdrop. "i was going— i am going through a lot!"

"i get that, ellie. i do." you argue. "but you can't ruin yourself like this! joel wouldn't want this from you and neither do i. you aren't thinking!"

her fists clench at her sides, voice lowering. "don't bring joel into this. he has nothing to do with it."

"he has everything to do with it!" you shout. sucking in a deep breath, you pinch the bridge of your nose in exhaustion. when you continue, your voice has dropped back down to a calmer tone, something you've learned to do during those on-and-off months with ellie. yelling at her only makes her grow more defensive and elongates her next expedition. "he's dead, ellie. he's gone and you're struggling with that. and that's okay. but turn to your friends for comfort. turn to people who love you, not drugs. they don't help you, els."

"turn to my friends? turn to people who love me?" she shakes her head, scoffing incredulously. "i tried that. i turned to you, i leaned on you. i tried and tried and tried and you left me."

"i didn't—"

"you left me when i was at my lowest. what else was i supposed to do?" she says, bottom lip quivering. you can't tell if it's from rage or sadness. a few months ago, you'd be able to read her like a book. not anymore. "you did this to me."

oh. that did it. tears well in your eyes embarrassingly fast. ellie's expression falters for a second, just long enough for you to respond. "fuck you, ellie. if you want to act like an asshole, go ahead. but if you think i'll just sit idly by while you kill yourself, you're painfully fucking wrong."

NOVEMBER.

someone's knocking at your door. it's well past midnight and you're in the middle of brushing your teeth. you curse under your breath, spitting before rushing to the front door. they continue to bang on the wood. "i'm fucking coming, calm down!"

you swing the door open, the chilly air sweeping inside. your eyes take a second to adjust to the light before you recognize ellie's silhouette. your eyes widen as she staggers inside. she leans against you instinctively, hands bracing your shoulders as she trips over her own feet. you hold her around the waist, guiding her toward your couch. the one she'd picked out three years ago.

"didn't know.." her words trail off and you shush her, rolling her onto her side in case she needs to vomit. she continues to mutter incoherently as you pace the room, not knowing what to do.

"fucking hell, els." you breathe, watching as her blinking slows and her mouth begins to drool. the black of her pupils take up more space than her irises, worryingly so.

"e'ryone else 's asleep," she murmurs.

you come forward, casting her hair out of her face. "shh, don't speak, baby, you're fine. no need to explain, 'kay?"

"mmm," she hums, eyes fluttering, "m'kay."

you nod, pushing to your feet as you continue to think of what the fuck you're supposed to do. what did she even take to get this bad? who the hell is selling it to her? everyone in jackson knows that she just lost joel earlier this year. god, if you could get your hands on them..

she begins coughing, though it sounds closer to gagging than anything. your heart rushes in your chest, "fuck fuck fuck."

without thinking, you grab your phone from your wall and dial tommy's number. it rings thrice before his voice comes through the line. he barely has time to ask who you are before you're explaining everything between sobs.

tommy, maria, and a few medics arrive within ten minutes. they haul ellie away on a stretcher, speaking too fast for you to pick up on anything. you stand in your living room as tommy follows them out. maria walks over to you as you're rubbing harshly at your eyes.

"you did the right thing, kid." she assures you, voice so soft that it only makes you cry harder. she frowns, humming sadly as she pulls you into a hug. "i know it's hard. grief always is."

you pull back, looking at her through teary eyes, "how'd you handle tommy? after joel passed."

"i hardly did." she admits. "we're not on the best terms, even now. that's just was loss does to people. it drives them apart until there's nothing left to drive apart."

"i don't..." you frown. "i don't think ellie and i have anything left."

APRIL.

you haven't spoken to ellie since november. after she awoke in a medical cot, she was more sober than she's been in months. her withdrawals were horrid, tommy said. he kept you in the loop with everything because ellie refused to see you, claiming to loathe you for having called tommy.

you can't lie, your heart definitely broke when you heard that. to imagine ellie from last year, kissing you awake with breakfast in bed, and comparing her to the ellie from now, claiming to never want to see your face again? the thought makes you feen genuinely ill.

snow sticks to the ground as you walk through the town of jackson. you're on your way to the grocery store when you see her. well, them. dina walks beside ellie as they saunter down the sidewalk, hands clasped together. she has that look on her face, the one she used to only ever give you. the one nobody else was lucky enough to see.

you huff breath, turning to look in the other direction as you pretend to not have even seen them together.

ellie seems to be getting better. and that's all that matters.

her eyes are bright, her nose is red from the cold. you can see her freckles from here, and you know the exact amount that coat her cheeks. you've counted them, memorized them as her fingertips traced your skin. as her viridescent gaze bore into your own with nothing but the same love she's currently looking at dina with.

you quicken your footsteps, forcing yourself to walk faster before you act on the biting pain in your stomach. the tangible agony that writhes within you.

FEBRUARY.

jj. that's his name.

no, you didn't stalk your ex girlfriend surrogate. you're not that crazy. maria actually came to you, explained that dina had a child and was raising him alongside ellie. she showed you a picture of them, a perfect family of three.

you instantly broke down into tears the moment you saw his gummy smile and fatty fists. dina held him tightly, having the same eyes as he. ellie had an arm draped over her, one hand on jj's shoulder as she beamed at the camera.

ellie is a mom. she has a baby. she has a baby boy who never would have gotten the chance to know her if she'd died that november night two years ago. and yet, she still refuses to speak to you. not a word has been uttered since that night. since she was dying on your couch from an overdose.

but it doesn't matter. who ellie is with and what ellie is doing doesn't matter at all. she's happy and that's all that matters.

you're perfectly content with watching her from afar with wax wings that are sure to burn under her brilliance. you'd tried it once and only ended in scorched flesh and the corpse of letting go.

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[freshxsturniolo]

no label - chris sturniolo x femreader!

requested by anon - could you do a fluff of chris an y/n being really clingy with each other and like kissing and cuddling and holding hands but there just friends. so basically a relationship but not too far if u get what i mean

HI BBY i hope this is okay and the vibe you were going for, im so sorry if not!!! its super fluffy and cute and i got a little carried away but i hope you enjoy <3

_______

a yawn escaped your lips as you walked out of your best friend nicks bedroom, his snores still heard softly behind you as you quietly shut the door not to wake him. despite your yawing and tired eyes, it was 4am and your brain could not shut off. you'd drifted to sleep whilst watching a movie at around midnight, but had woken up once nick got into bed for the night.

"what a pleasure to have your company for once" nick had joked when he climbed into bed.

"hmm?" you had half grumbled, and nick had laughed whilst you dozed back off. but after a while, you were awake, alert. faint noises of LA traffic in the background, faint noises from downstairs of matts computer. you had exhausted scrolling on your phone and decided finally to get yourself up. there was only one place you had grown comfortable sleeping. nicks words ringing in your head before he went to sleep.

your feet touched the stairs and you quietly made your way down them, not wanting to wake anyone up in the quiet house, the small light from the window illuminating the way before you reached the kitchen, but your feet carried you on, down towards the stairs that led you to the bottom of the house.

there was no noise, no light shining through his door, but your instincts had you opening the door handle anyway. this is the room you had slept in more times than not over the last few months. you could make out his shape on top of the bed and after your eyes adjusted to the dark, you let out a smile. his phone on his chest with his fingers lightly touching it, clearly having fallen asleep whilst likely scrolling through his social media. his bed lay completely made as he was sprawled over the top of it, fully clothed.

"chris" you whisper.

he stirred immediately, with a startle, and you let out another smile as you closed his door.

"y/n?" his sleepy voice called.

"its me" you said, but you were already at his bed. already crawling your way over. it took seconds for your head to hit his chest, your arms to wrap around his waist, your leg to hook over his hips. and it took him even less time to lean his cheek atop your head, his arms to engulf you, his legs to wrap around you. he smelled like comfort and joy.

"my baby.” he whispers. his soft and gentle breathe came just seconds after, and you felt his grip on you soften as he drifted back off into a peaceful sleep, you were only a few minutes behind him.

a few hours later the bright morning LA sunrise woke you up, shining in through the windows and hitting your face perfectly. you winced, hiding your face deeper into chris' chest before letting out a small moan.

"morning" his croaky voice came, and you nuzzled into his chest deeper for a second, before bracing yourself to sit up. one hand covering your eyes, one hand on chris' chest, you looked down and his face.

"what time is it?" you ask.

"7" he responds.

you groan, falling backwards and laying on your back, picking up the pillow at the side of you and throwing it over your face. "i've had three hours sleep" you moan.

theres silence, and you're drifting back off to sleep when the pillow is removed, replaced by chris' face. his curls pushing forward, covering some of his features, but his piercing eyes being as bright as ever

"what time did you sneak in here?" he asks.

"4ish" you grumble. "dont you remember?"

he smiles, bending down to give you a soft kiss. "i remember. but come on."

"what?" you ask, watching as chris removes himself from the bed and walks over to your side. he grabs your wrist, giving you a slightly tug. "chris" you whine, but he ignores you tired plea.

"come onnnnnn" he says with a laugh, tugging on your wrist more.

"for what" you moan, allowing him to pull you to the edge of the bed before you pull your hand away, sitting yourself up. you rub your eyes, willing them to open properly before running your fingers through your hair. you know you looked a tired, sleep deprived mess right now but whenever you were with chris you didn't care.

"lets drive to the beach" he says.

you look up at him, his face a beautiful ray of blue eyes and stubble and his perfect upturned nose, and you couldn't say no. a smile escaped you as you stood up. "can i have that hoodie?" you ask, and he frowns.

"just get one from my wardrobe." he points in the direction, but you shake your head.

"they're clean. i want this one.” you reach forward and tug at the hem. “it’ll smell like you" you say. he rolls his eyes, but the hoodie is whipped off his head within seconds.

"you're insane" he whispers.

you only laugh throwing it over your body, basking in its comfort as chris goes to retrieve a fresh one.

you make your way to his car, still feeling so proud of him for having got his license and still not used to being HIS passenger princess, and you spend the short drive in laughter. as you always did. life was so easy when chris was by your side. your sadness never appeared. he was the sun in every single day.

when he parks in the parking spot and you both get out of the car, he's at your side with his hand in yours, pulling you down onto the sand. the sun is rising perfectly and theres a few other people sat with blankets, looking out into the ocean. you can't help the warm feeling inside of your chest.

chris stops after a few minutes, his hand removes from yours and he sits down, knees up to his chest, arms resting on his knees before he looks up at you, the sun shining off his face perfectly. you smile, sitting yourself down at his side. your legs crossed, you lean backwards and put your hands out behind you. but you don't find yourself watching the sunset, you find your eyes travelling to the couple not to far in front of you. they're running around in the sea, running backwards and forwards as the shore comes in and goes out again, and a smile spreads across your face as you watch them. but when the guy pulls the girl backwards by the waist, and spins her round and crashes his lips to hers, her giggle echoing up towards you both, your smile stops for a second and your eyes divert to chris. you can see the back of his head perfectly from your leant back position, but you know he's watching them too.

"chris" you whisper, watching his curls blow in the breeze.

"hmm?" he says. his eyes stayed fixed on the couple.

"what do you tell people? when they ask about me and you?" you ask.

eyes still forward, he speaks with no hesitation. "i tell them you're my favourite person in the world."

your heart sores. that was all the confirmation you needed.

"what do you tell people? about me and you?" he asks.

"i just say you're my chris." you shrug. because he was. he was chris. loving, caring, erotic chris. but he was yours.

he turns to look at you now, a soft smile on his lips. “your chris." he repeats.

"you've always been my chris."

he chuckles, running his hand through his hair before he lays backwards, grabbing your wrist on his way down so you're pulled backwards with him. you let out a short squeal as you stumble into the sand, your head landing perfectly next to his. moving his hand from your wrist, he entwines your hands together as you both turn to face each other at the same time.

"that settles it then." he says.

"settles what?" you ask, but you know exactly what he's implying. he chuckles, sitting his head up slightly, his free hand resting on the side of your neck and pressing his lips to yours. strong, passionate, and with a thousand unspoken words.

"everything" he says.

you smile as you pull his hand closer to you, his body forced closer to yours as you embrace him once again, because you knew. you both knew. you didn't need the words. didn't need the label. he was your chris. now and forever.

[rafeysbambi]

bambi

part vii

summary:

kind, sweet and the definition of innocent, obsessed with pink, bows and all animals but especially deers. y/n has barely held a boys hand let alone been kissed until rafe cameron lays eyes on her

a/n:

hey hi i’m back home! finally! man i hope yall understand what i mean when i say it’s so attractive when guys do tht thing when they drive one handed with their palm and do the spinny thing yano 😙😙 oh wow i am looking back at this and THIS IS SO LONG IM SORRY i genuinely have explosive verbal diarrhoea its incurable 😟😔 so pls grab a snack or something anyway hope u guys enjoy!

rafe lead you out to his car, his hand hovering over the small of your back. he opened your door for you and closed it before jogging around to his seat, handing you his phone. “you’re in charge of the music.” he looked at you and winked before starting the car.

“hmmm but i don’t know what to play, what do you feel like?” you asked, thumbs nervously hovering over the keyboard.

“play me your music, that’s what i wanna hear, just click on one of your playlists doll” and so you obliged, pressing shuffle on your favourite playlist. as lana del rey started playing, he looked over to you, “cute”. the music was far from what rafe would usually listen to but it was so incredibly you. he couldn’t help but to steal glances at you as he drove, watching the way the glow of the sunset was hitting your face in the most picturesque way. you hummed along to the words of say yes to heaven, your eyes locking with rafe’s as you sung “i’ve got my eyes on you’ causing you both to smile at each other. “you’ve got such a pretty voice on you.”

“thank you” you say as he pulled into the restaurant parking lot, immediately blushing as his arm goes around the back of your seat as he reversed back into the parking spot. “very impressive” you said giggling as he winks at you.

“i aim to please.” he gets out of the car, quickly jogging to open the door for you. he leads you to the restaurant, his hand finding the small of your back. “reservation for rafe cameron” he says to the host who smiles back at the two of you, quickly nodding before leading you to your table.

“it’s beautiful rafe” you say looking out at the sunset gleaming down on the docks. you can’t help but to smile at him, this was your first ever date and everything felt perfect. it truly felt like you were in one of your favourite romcoms that you’ve watched over and over.

“i’m glad you like it, i think so too” he smiled back at you, he was completely blown away at how beautiful you were. every single moment spent with you had him falling faster than he ever had before.

“ooh oh oh i know what i want” you exclaimed closing the menu seconds after opening it. you smile at him, swinging your feet under the table like a giddy little girl.

“how do you know already, i just watched you open it.” rafe laughed at you.

“i saw ravioli and needed to look no further.” you said in a matter of fact way. you can’t hide the grin on your face.

“ravioli huh? y’know the steak here is undeniably the best thing on the menu” he smirks at you before closing his menu and placing it down.

“oh really? maybe i’ll try it then” you said looking up at him through your lashes.

the waiter soon came over to take your orders, “i’ll have ribeye, medium rare thanks.” rafe said handing the waiter his menu before looking over at you expectantly.

“could i please have the ravioli” you say handing the waiter your menu before looking over at rafe who was feigning betrayal.

“and here i was thinking you were going to get the steak. absolute betrayal.”

you couldn’t help but to giggle at his antics, “i’m truly sorry, the craving for ravioli was just to deep.” you smiled over at him, “besides why would i need to get the steak when i can just steal some of yours.”

“i cannot believe what i’m hearing, who would’ve thought little miss y/n could be so evil.” you playfully rolled your eyes at him before your eyes locked with each other and suddenly it was like you were the only people in the room, scratch that the only people in the world. “god you’re so beautiful.” you immediately looked away trying to hide the fact your cheeks were flushed red. “seriously it’s like each time i look into you eyes, everything else disappears and i’m swept away by this beautiful gorgeous angel in front of me.” you looked back at him, a smile creeping upon your face. “just a shame you’ve got such poor menu choices.”

“oh shut up” you stuck your tongue out at him. the waiter came over with your meals. “wow look at this ravioli, i made the right decision.”

“doesn’t even come close to this mouthwatering steak mmm, c’mon i know you’re regretting your choice right about now.”

you popped a piece of ravioli into your mouth, “mm mm nm so good” you muffled out.

“finish what’s in your mouth before you finish speaking, god hasn’t anyone ever taught you table manners” he teases before you both started laughing. he cut a bite of the steak off and offered it to you. your lips wrapped around the steak as you ate it off his fork. you couldn’t lie that was some beautifully cooked steak.

“okay that was pretty good, but my ravioli is still definitely the better option.” you returned the favour offering rafe a piece of your ravioli.

“i mean it’s good.” rafe smiled back at you unable to respond, still thinking about how gorgeous you looked, even the way you ate his steak was driving him crazy.

you both finished up your food continuing to steal glances at each other. as you got up to leave, rafe’s arm found the small of your back and his head dipped down to your ear, “you ready to admit my steak was better.”

you looked up into his eyes smiling, you whispered a small “never” before the two of you walked towards the door.

“yo rafe bro”, you were quickly interrupted as topper dapped up rafe bringing him in for a hug. “damn bro what’s up, man what’re you doing here?”

rafe placed his arm around your shoulder, “we just grabbed some dinner.” topper looked over to you, his eyes nearly popped out his head.

“oh shit man nice.” he turned his attention to you, “y/n right?” you nodded giving him a small smile. “i’m topper, you can call me top though if you want” he smiled back at you. “god i’m starving man i can’t wait to get the ravioli, it’s crazy good here.”

rafe rolled his eyes as you giggled, causing topper to raise his eyebrow. “not you too man, the ribeye is a hundred times better.”

“nah bro, the ravioli is the move” you nod with topper in agreement, “see she gets it. yo that’s crazy bumping into you bro, i’m actually meeting ruthie here in a sec, we could’ve gone on a double date man.”

“damn what a shame, we sure did miss out” rafe says sarcastically causing you to giggle and topper to roll his eyes.

at that moment ruthie walked over placing her hand on toppers shoulder, “what’s the holdup i’m starving”, she looked over at rafe and then you. “oh wow y/n, did not expect to see you here with rafe of all people.”

“what do you mean by that ruthie?” rafe is quick to fire back at her, not wanting to deal with her rubbish.

“just not used to her being around you y’know-“

“well you can get used to it.” his arm moved to grip around your waist, you felt his thumb drawing small circles against your skin.

“how cute, oh i have an idea, why doesn’t y/n come to the bonfire tomorrow rafe, that is if you haven’t invited her yet.” ruthie’s eyes narrowed at you clearly trying to get under your skin.

“yeah man that sounds great, i’m sure y/n would prefer to hang around me and the guys over you anyway” topper said trying to lighten the mood.

rafe looked down at you, sensing you were uncomfortable, “alright bro well we’re gonna go i’ll see you later.” you smiled at topper before rafe lead you outside the restaurant to his car. he made sure you got into the passenger seat of the car before he got into his seat, looking over to you, “are you alright?”

“i just don’t understand why she has to be such a-“

“bitch?” he looks over to you and smiled. he reached over to hold your hand his thumb tracing small patterns on the back of your hand. “ruthie’s just like that, a bit of a miserable person. i really don’t know what top see’s in her.” he looked over to you a smiled, “and look you don’t have to come to the bonfire if you don’t want to, it’ll be loud and people can get a bit messy, we can do something else.”

“no it’s fine, i want to go to the bonfire” you looked over to him, “i’ve never actually been to one before.”

“i’ll make sure it’s worth it then” he said as he pulled into your driveway. he got out the car before coming around to open your door, holding his hand out for you to take. he walked you to your door before tucking a strand of hair behind your ear, “i hope you enjoyed tonight because i know i did.”

“i loved it rafe, truly.” you can’t help but to smile at the handsome boy stood in front of you.

“i’m glad” he said smiling back at you.

you reached up onto your tippy toes, planting your hands on his shoulders to support yourself as you placed a delicate kiss onto rafe’s cheek “goodnight rafe.”

“goodnight princess.”

[aarontveit]

i need direction to perfection

[luck-of-the-drawings]

[<==PREV PAGES] [NEXT PAGE==>(not out yet.wait a year.or maybe more.imagine.]

saw alot of comments on prev pages; saying 'i HATE that mean teacher! im gonna FIGHT HIM!!' & i LOVE the energy!! it WOULD be nice. to have that catharsis. but the story of young tidestrider is Not one of catharsis. it is a story of being so small and so special and sucking so bad.

[valgeristik]

twilight princess + skyward sword stuff ive been drawing the past few days for practice and for fun <3 (you can take TP link's mustache out of my cold, dead hands)

Vetted Gaza Evacuation Fundraiser List

E-sims donation

[every-sanji]

[fedoraspooky]

I haven’t been here long. What irritating changes have been made?

Credit where it's due, some changes have been good, like polls and stuff! But the big recent changes thus far that I would classify as irritating are:

- The UI change. This one may be less irritating for newcomers because it's basically the same layout as twitter and instagram, but for a lot of folks who've been here a long time, it feels cramped and like a loss of identity for the site. For many, the appeal of tumblr is that it ISN'T an algorithm hell like twitter or insta. Also, there's the annoyance of having to relearn where everything is, because it all got moved around.

- The users being lab rats for various tests the devs wanna pull out of nowhere without consenting to beta testing new site features- like the one that took away user icons on the dash for like half the site. They finally put them back after getting enough feedback that said NO, but users were so used to their feedback being disregarded that they were half expecting the change to be pushed through anyway.

- The Netflix tie-in advertising being pushed even to people who had PAID tumblr for a no-ads experience. Complete with them somehow thinking it would be a good idea to put an unescapable-by-scrolling spooky clown on peoples' dashboards that u had to use ublock to get rid of. While I'm not scared of clowns and often find them quite charming, it sucks that staff didn't take coulrophobia being a common fear into account.

- A wave of fully sfw trans posts being wrongfully marked Mature and staff doing little to nothing about it. Not sure if this is still ongoing, but it destroyed a lot of trust and good will. (LGBT+ users have been having to fight a constant war against censorship ever since the adult content ban on tumblr, so yeah... Nevar 4get the list of banned search words that would bring back no results, like 'girl')

- The site gradually moving away from customization. Tumblr is a BLOGGING site. But it seems to have lost sight of that fact, because most new users don't even know you can fully customize your blogs with css and stuff (an option that is now off by default for new accounts!), because of the in-dash viewer giving you only how blogs look on mobile, which is a lot more uniform. There, it's more like every other site- you get a banner and icon. Oh, but you can change colors and fonts from a drop-down list too, that's cool I guess. Though they recently took away custom color schemes on Message windows, just another little bit of personalization taken away.

- TUMBLR. LIVE. Basically tumblr teamed up with a skeevy dating app partner to allow for livestreams- but not the cool kinda livestreams like on twitch where you can draw or play games, no- to a site full of people who value anonymity, they decided to push phone cam only livestreams. Not only that but by agreeing to the terms, you're giving out tons of personal data including your location to said skeevy dating app partner and all of THEIR third-party ad partners. Needless to say, most people didn't wanna use it, so instead of users it's flooded by p*rn bots (which is ANOTHER issue we've been dealing with for a long time and have been getting an even bigger influx of FROM tumblr live) and scammers. And thus, since tumblr likes to put a carousel of current streams on people's dashes, you often get softcore p*rn thumbnails from the bot streams with no way to avoid it except for toggling off tumblr live entirely.

- Oh wait. That's right. You CAN'T toggle it off. Because you can only snooze it for a while until BAM, you're jumpscared by a carousel of ladies licking your screen again! But hey, at least they made the snooze 30 days instead of the 7 it used to be, right? Yeah, except for the fact that you can't get rid of the tumblr live button itself on the app anymore, and now it's front and center with a NEW notification tag on it, overlapping your dash and cramming useful stuff like the search button out of the way.

NOW- A lot of this stuff CAN be at least mostly fixed on desktop by installing ublock and xkit and tampermonkey + dashboard unfucker... But that's a lot of stuff just to make the site usable, you know?

[brofightiscancelled]

ok kind of an insane ask so feel free to ignore but would you be able to translate "友達バリア" by deco*27? i can't find any translations online and i wanna see if i'm right about the song kind of fitting the matsus... it's also a banger imo

- vocamatsu anon

omg.... tbh i have a feeling deco will make a video for this one which means we'll get an official english translation of it, rendering this completely redundant, but i'm really cheesed to have been asked, so i gave it a shot for you anyways <3

Friend-zoned, love fire, sparks flying HIBANA We're ready, set to lock horns, love's ultimate showdown I'm outmatched- but it's not over yet! I won't let this end! With a dazzling, never-give-up attitude, I'll break through your defenses!

The despair of never getting anything more of this Your behavior, nor what's going on in your head- I can't read it at all! I can't help but envy the kindness you radiate Omnidirectional compatibility- it's just not for me

Carefully-picked down-played words The outcome: A bloody heart True feelings double-crossed by embarrassment; how frustrating, I'm changing sides But that won't fill up my heart What I want is nothing more than to be by your side If you've got something to say, then say it- 'til I defeat you, that is! 3, 2, 1!

Friend-zoned, love fire, sparks flying HIBANA We're ready, set to lock horns, love's ultimate showdown I'm outmatched- but it's not over yet! I won't let this end! With a dazzling, never-give-up attitude, I'll break through your defenses!

I want you to like me! I want you to like me! Friend-zoned, love fire, hey, say "I give up"! With a dazzling, never-give-up attitude, I'll break through your defenses!

Fun things, good feelings- without you, they have no taste at all Sadness, jealousy- if they're cuz of you, then I don't mind them Let's throw down, bro! Better to regret doing it, than not doing it at all! A feeling like I won't need any special moves, YEAH I'm sure everything will be OKAY With an endless supply of love, you're undefeated, AYE Play dead, BYE BYE I'll be the one to throw the first punch

Friend-zoned, love fire, sparks flying HIBANA We're ready, set to lock horns, love's ultimate showdown The lonely and timid me is already no more! With a dazzling, blazing flair, I'll burn through your defenses!

Do you like me yet? Do you like me yet? Friend-zoned, love fire, now, let's immerse ourselves in love! With a dazzling, blazing flair, a never-ending HAO sweetener battle!

Do you like me yet? Do you like me yet? Friend-zoned, love fire, now, let's immerse ourselves in love! With a dazzling, blazing flair, a never-ending HAO sweetener battle!

------

my notes:

my overall interpretation of this song is "I'm trying to break through the friend zone (friendship barrier) so that you like me instead of thinking of me as a friend", so any vagueness in translation went in that direction

The use of "lock horns" in the official translation snippet + the HAO motifs give me the mental image of like, a hand-to-hand kung fu battle, so I leaned towards that imagery whenever there was vagueness (as opposed to like, a military campaign, for example)

deco's official english translations tend to be very liberal, so i tried to keep my translation a little more literal

[guinevereslancelot]

just got kissed for the first time in over a decade 😵‍💫

[crossbackpoke-check]

tagged by ko @tofumilanesa for wip wednesday! big shout out to writevember for making me feel like i can actually call any of these works in progress… your guide to my emoji code under the cut

wip!

🪻🐈‍⬛ - the doc title is still just. YOWLING but i am like 7/8 of the way done with omega yamo fic and hopefully salem isn’t reading this so i can just drop it over a year later with no warning <3

🫃2️⃣ - DEWEY^2 P2!!!! she is almost done (i am lying) but she is so close i can almost taste it. sorry to my pwp that grew its own feelings baby

😇🤭 (🕒 -> 🕜) - rip i’m not telling you about this one until it’s posted but it IS complete aside from being ao3 formatted and the eight billion edits i inevitably do right before full-sending it

☁️💧 - cloud petey fic, which exists mostly as an embarrassingly large tag on a different blog and is condensing into a narrative about as well as water at 30° N/S. the time loop fic also falls under this description

eternally in progress (short list)

🌑🐕 - tyler borzoituzzi exists… there is an index of scenes/plot points… it plays like a movie in my head…

💯❕- fantastic! ‘verse

👁️👻 - stevie brandon seeing ghosts au, which has eight different (now nine i guess but you haven't seen the mustache adam post yet) plots. sorry

just. rotating like a microwave

🍎 - because they didn’t have a pomegranate emoji, this is what i used for the fic that feels like it should be a 50k connor bedard character study hanif abdurraqib/cathal kelly thesis about legends and mythmaking in sports and eating your young. yes i know pomegranates aren’t actually pomes and apples are but it’s fine

🦈 - the one cat da fuck they doing over there meme but about the sharks just like. in general. more on this at five

tagging @colap1nto, @songsandswords, @whitenikes, @gordiemeow, @acheronist, and anybody else who wants to share!!

[shirogane-oushirou]

no promises anymoooooreeeee i'll appear online when i appear online 😭 every time i say "ooh i think life is almost done being overwhelming!" it. becomes even more overwhelming in the dumbest ways. all i can manage rn when i'm not stressing myself into a shut-down state is staring at the wall while listening to youtube essays + mindlessly crocheting.

i might queue up ppls art and fics w/o commentary in the tags... i want other ppl to see what all of my cool friends have made, but i genuinely can't think right now with this monstrous brain fog. i'm really sorry, just. yeah. maybe i'll think of some way to make it up later!!! once the dust has settled!!!! but until then i wuv u and miss u. smiles.

[venting in tags including familial manipulation and ableism. i. didn't mean to write all of that, thiss was originally going to be a main blog post but. aaaaaAAAAAA!!!!!

also no need for replies or anything, i'd turn them off for just the one post if i could kjsndkn, i just needed to get things out and go eep jsjndsfdn ok bye bye bye bye!!!!]

[silusvesuius]

g*lmar rly has to be the best skajrim character on the real like even if you don't like him he just is . literally The best one i think......... on dat note i also imagine that he and ulfr*c despite being fairydust BFFs for lyfe genuinely have the worst communication skills ever seen

[luck-of-the-drawings]

when i was in highschool one o my biggest coping mechanisms was drawing all the kids i hated getting killed and eaten and killed. and well. time is a slowly ascending spiral. you will find patterns.(i work as a blackjack dealer. gamblers are FASCINATING

[bmpmp3]

and theres also the scrolling format manhwa i so desperately want physically. they did it with raeliana PLEASE do it with a wicked tale of cinderellas stepmom PLEASE please

[isa-ah]

okay i wont be able to test the pattern or create any kind of walkthru until the end of the month when my fabric gets here, but heres the prototype plushie pattern that you can load into this website to look at the seams, names, recolor, print out etc if you want to play with it in the meantime =') ignore the piece count. ignore that. its not important. i like shapes