#anyone elses? well I guess we'll see about that lol

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

🐒25 Dec '22🚴‍♀️🦴

Twas the night before christmas Louis' birthday when suddenly I recalled- I sat bolt up in shock- I'd forgotten a promise to yall! It was a christmas day, you see, back in 2018, that Simon Cowell dramatically demonstrated exactly how brilliant he is when thinking things up all on his own rather than taking credit for a woman's ideas- he would be starting a new band he said, of CGI monkeys!! One of them would be modelled after Harry Styles! Sadly someone slapped him out of whatever drugged stupor led to telling the press about that brainstorm, and we never heard about it again... except from me, who had made a vow to Never Forget and to bring it up every xmas forever and ever (because I can only assume Simon would hate that.) He still hasn't learned though, just this year he hyped up an AI deepfake of himself made with that very same technology- he really just so transparently wants a band without any pesky rebellious humans in it, yikes. The fact is, the man is a clown all year every year, so may I present… a 2022 review!

Sadly, the year's biggest Cowell news was but a hoax- he did not in fact die, yet. However, he did lose a tooth, get COVID, and fall off his electric bike and end up in the hospital AGAIN, proving that ill wishes (mine) can come true to some extent! And not to worry, there's still hope for next year- apparently he still bikes around without a helmet daily. A recent TV appearance had his fans (??! sounds fake but okay) "distracted by his incredibly smooth visage"- allegedly his botox and other modifications got to the point that his son was "in hysterics" at the site of him, a clever turn of phrase that implies tears but could also mean he was laughing his ass off- me too kid, me too. Although The Sun continue to print only flattering and respectful articles- almost as if they had some kind of relationship or agreement with him?! wow this is Brand New Information- the Daily Mail definitely got the brief that tis the season for making fun of Cowell, and have been running an endless series of articles about his "many faces through the years" and "melting mug". They were denied the opportunity with his most recent TV appearance however, as he did that interview with a shadow strategically cast across himself like a low tech witness protection gambit. Perhaps, I thought, some of the issue was with the confusing and scary sounding 25 pound face masks he was reportedly doing, but it turned out that was merely an audio based misunderstanding- it was sponcon for a £25 face mask, boring.

He continues to talk up his son in interviews, bragging that the kid is a great talent spotter and he "leans on him" for opinions (that I can believe) but if you're skeptical that Simon would actually let himself be upstaged, you're quite right! Consider: he also had some things to say about what his cancelled show The X Factor would look like if it came back. The tabs report that he "is adamant that the judges should be industry insiders such as A&R people rather than artists because they are better judges of talent and less jealous of bright young artists.” Sounds like SOMEONE is jealous all right but it's not an artist judge! I think we all remember who stole the show and the hearts of multiple nations- not to mention those of scores of allegedly straight men- on the last season of TXF while spotting and nurturing the talent who went on to win it all, all while making fun of Simon at every opportunity: yes indeed, it was bright young artist and Guest Judge Louis Tomlinson! Gosh who could have seen THAT coming? Possibly the actual visionary of TXF, Nicole Scherzinger, another guest judge who upstaged Simon- most recently when footage of her forming 1D was finally released on the 10th anniversary. She said she was surprised it had survived, that she assumed he had "burned it" (to bolster his decade long lie that it was he who had had the world-changing idea.) But no, she says, in fact it was "the way that my mind grapes were working" which is, um, a very weird way of putting that, but it WORKED OUT GREAT so who am I to quibble with the way her grapejuice flows.

Meanwhile just when you thought we were free of NFT type annoyances Zayn invited us to join the metaverse, no thank you, but get that cash babe and a happy holidays to you and to all our boys: to Liam, acting like he has to make up for the few months off the radar by posting an equivalent amount of insta stories before the end of the year, to Niall, taking a break from taking over tiktok to tease about how busy he'll be next year, to Harry, dousing himself in freezing water in the UK while pap pics of him in LA were dropped, and to Louis, 31 (!!) now and hopefully with some wonderful plans over his long awaited break before another jam packed year of winning. And to all out there, a very let me be your good night and all the love!

[ahgasegotarmy116]

It's Hard to Believe | Jungkook One Shot

Summary: Getting pregnant with your best friend's baby definetly wasn't a part of the plan... Pairing: f!Reader x Jungkook (fwb, f2l) Word Count: 2.7k Warnings: A tiny bit of explicit and suggestive language but nothing crazy a/n: This is something I started writing at like midnight and it's kinda shit but I thought I might as well post it since I haven't posted in a while (Like five days short of a month wtf?!?!? How has it been that long?!?!) (I just barely checked rn lmao my bad 🥲) p.s. I kinda wanna do a full on series on a concept like this but it'll be different and less fluffy but that won't be happening for a long ass time but yeah lol Requested by a lovely anon 💜

"How am I supposed to tell him?" I ask my friend Sam for the millionth time since I found out. "Y/n just tell him. You guys have been friends for how long?" she asks and it's like I'm having deja vu from both of our responses. "Like ten years" I mumble and pull my sweatshirt sleeves down over my hands in an effort to stop my nervous fiddling but it only makes it worse. 

"Right and you guys have been messing around with each other for over a year now, maybe even more...I don't wanna know" she says while holding her hand up in a way to assure me that she doesn't need the details. "Just tell him. If he's as great of a guy as you keep on telling me he is then I promise everything will be okay" she says and places a hand on my shoulder before she gets up off my couch. 

"Where are you going?" I ask while she shrugs on her jacket. "Didn't you say he's supposed to be here around five?" she asks and I nod my head, checking the clock and seeing that it's already 4:30. 

"Yeah...are you sure you don't wanna stay and say hi?" I ask and she glares at me. "Let me know what his response is to that bun in the oven and then we'll talk. I wanna figure out if he's an asshole or not before I decide to waste anytime on him" she says while lacing up her shoes. 

"Promise me you'll tell him tonight?" she asks and lifts up her hood, getting ready to shield herself from the pouring rain outside. I nod my head reluctantly, that being way more progress than I've made for the past few weeks since I found out. "I promise" I utter under my breath and she smiles, pulling me in for a bone crushing hug. 

"Text me if you need me" she says, worried for what might happen but hoping for the best. "I will...thanks" I whisper and she nods her head before walking out of my door and turning slightly and waving to offer me one last farewell.

I close the door after I see her get into her car and lean my back up against it, steadying myself for a second and taking deep breaths, trying to stop my racing heartbeat before pushing off of it and tidying up before Jungkook gets here to distract myself. 

Sam has been the only one I've been able to count on and honestly the only person I can trust since I haven't told anyone else. She was the one I called when I missed my period and she's the one who brought me a pregnancy test...and then when out and bought me ten more because I couldn't actually grasp the concept that I was pregnant...am pregnant.

Jungkook and I have always been careful and taken all the necessary steps to keep this from happening but I guess we got careless this time. 

Through out this whole arrangement we've made it very clear to each other that we're not sleeping with anyone else but neither of us are looking for any sort of commitment either so that's why this has gone on for so long. 

Like it or not though we're going to be committed to each other in one way or another no matter what because I'm keeping this baby. No matter what he says I'm keeping them. 

Jungkook is my best friend, the one person who has been there for me through everything. He's seen me at all of my highest highs and especially at my lowest lows and no matter what he's never made me feel shitty about it. I know he's not the kind of guy that'll turn on you because of something like this but I can't help but still feel terrified. 

This wasn't supposed to happen but even if this child wasn't made with love from his side...it was made with love from mine. 

I don't know how long it's been since I fell in love with him but I know I shouldn't have said yes to this whole fuck buddy ordeal. I just couldn't stand the thought of him being with someone else so when he offered up the idea I said yes.

I figured that if this was a way to prevent him from getting his heart broken by all those sorry excuses of girlfriends he's had in the past then I guess I'll be okay with breaking mine.

He's been acting different lately though. He's been a lot touchier, asking to come over more often, going out of his way to help me with things, offering to feed me all the time and all of it is making me feel like he already knows. 

Does he know? Have I started showing already? I haven't really noticed a difference in my body yet but he looks at me naked a lot more often than I pay attention to myself naked so I mean I guess he could've noticed right? 

Only one way to find out though...

A half an hour later I hear him take out his keys and unlock my door and soon I'm greeted with a smile that tugs at my heartstrings. 

"Hi baby" he says, using that pet name he's become very fond of since this whole ordeal started. The sound of it after finding out I'm pregnant with his baby has made me a little uncomfortable though since I haven't told him yet. 

Don't get me wrong I love it when he calls me that but I can't help but think that if this goes south that he won't ever call me that again. 

Maybe the hormones have started to scramble my brain already because those uncomfortable feelings are quickly thrown away when I take in the sight of him after he shrugs off his rain coat. A simple black baggy hoodie and jeans engulf his form and the comfy sight just makes me want to curl up in bed with him and forget about everything and everyone.

Just him and I, it's always been him and I. I just don't know if this little one is going to change things. 

I place a hand on my stomach for a second as a way to gain some strength from my itty bitty baby before finally working up the courage to greet him.

"Hi" I greet him softly, walking over to where he's stopped to take off his shoes and when he looks back up at me he smiles again and kisses me. I sigh into it, savoring it for just a little bit longer and when it finally breaks he looks down at me with concern now written all over his face. 

"Are you okay?" he asks, sensing that something's off right away from the just the small change in the way I kissed him. I hesitate for a second then simply hold out my hand for him to take and he does, following behind me as I lead him over to my couch. 

Getting this over with sooner rather than later is my best option right now so there's no reason to delay. 

He needs to know, he deserves to know.

We sit there in silence, longer than he would like us to since I can tell how tense his body has gotten in a matter of minutes. "Y/n you're scaring me" he whispers, not wanting to pressure me but relaying his feelings. 

I take a couple more deep breaths before finally starting. "I need you to listen to me and I need you to please not speak until I'm finished" I say while looking down at my lap, not being able to meet his eyes. 

He murmurs a soft 'okay' and waits for me to continue, taking one of my hands and placing it in his lap. He needs some form of physical contact to keep him grounded since he's not too sure what to expect and I let him, knowing I need some reassurance too. 

Even if I don't know what his reaction is gonna be, in this moment I need it more than ever.

"I guess there's really no right way to go about saying this because this wasn't supposed to happen so I'm just gonna come out and say it..." I start off and he squeezes my hand, encouraging me to keep going. 

"I missed my period...over a month ago...and I haven't had it since then" I say and finally look up at him where he has an unsure expression. It's not one that's mad or disappointed with what I've said thus far which is a good thing but more like he's trying hard to hold himself back so he can keep that promise. 

His hold on my hand hasn't loosened, in fact it's gotten even tighter and that gives me hope that we'll work this out so I take another deep breath before continuing. 

"I tried to kid myself into thinking that it was late but when another week passed by I got nervous. I asked Sam to get me a test and it came out positive. I didn't believe it and thought it was a false positive and so to ease my mind she went a bought ten more from a bunch of different brands and...all of them came out positive" I say and he still looks at me with that same expression, waiting for me to give him the okay to speak and so I do. 

"How long have you known?" are the first words out of his mouth and although they're not negative they aren't necessarily positive either. "About a month now" I say and he nods his head, taking another second or two to formulate what he's gonna say next. 

"I'll support you no matter what you decide" he says and I let out a breath I didn't even know I had been holding in. "I wanna keep it" I say and he nods his head and smiles softly at first and then as the seconds go by it gets wider and wider making my heart beat faster. 

"Am I allowed to get excited now?" he whispers and I can't help but chuckle as tears start to prickle my eyes and give him a nod. "You're excited?" I say, my whole being slowly overcome with emotion. 

"How could I not be?" he scoffs playfully but that answer has me confused. "But Jungkook we're not together. I mean we're not in a relationship, we're just friends" I explain and there's a playful glint in his eyes after I say that that's making me even more nervous.

"You wanna know what I thought you were gonna tell me?" he offers up, slightly changing topics but I look at him in a way to urge him to continue. "I thought you were gonna break up with me" he says and I smile, "Jungkook we're not together. How could I break up with you?" I chuckle in disbelief. 

"Correction, I thought you were gonna break up with me before I even got the chance to ask you to be my girlfriend" he says with a grin and my jaw drops, the dots all connecting as to why he's been acting so different lately. "You were gonna ask me to be your girlfriend?" I utter quietly as if we were in a crowed room and I had a secret for just the two of us.

"I had actually planned on asking you tonight" he explains, walking over to where he had placed his backpack on the floor, taking out a bouquet of slightly squished flowers. "Sorry they're all beat up. I forgot and rode my bike over here so I didn't really have any other option but to put them in there" he says almost as if he was nervous, rubbing the back of his neck and it's then that I notice how pink his ears have gotten. 

He is nervous

I take them from him and smile, waiting for him to say it but he simply stands there and admires me and I can't help but laugh. "What so funny? I told you what happened to them" he utters through pouty lips which only makes me laugh more. "No, no it's not the flowers it's just that...don't you have something to say?" I ask, calming down my chuckles and when he looks at me with the same confused expression I have to try my hardest to keep the laughter at bay. 

"Do you have something you would like to ask me Jungkook" I rephrase it and after a second his lips go from a pout to the shape of an 'O' as he's figured it out. "Oh um, yeah, right. Well I um" he starts off, rubbing the back of his neck again while stuttering and trying to find the words and after struggling for a second I decide to poke fun at him again. 

"Jungkook I am literally carrying your child and you're too afraid to ask me to be your girlfriend?" I laugh, giving him a slight reality check which he scoffs at before responding. 

"I was trying to remember what I had rehearsed to say to you but now that you're being a little brat I guess you'll never get to know all the nice things I was gonna say" he retorts, his voice suddenly taking on a darker tone that sends a shiver through my body and he smirks when he sees my reaction to it. 

He cups my face and rubs his thumb along my bottom lip, making them part and he leans in as if he was going to kiss me but stops just shy of my lips. "Will you be my girlfriend?" he whispers, nudging his nose against mine and making me smile. 

"I'll have to think about that" I play coy with him which he chuckles at. "You know if you weren't pregnant right now I would have thrown you over my lap for that smart mouth" he warns and I smile before leaning in and kissing him for just a second before pulling back. 

"Yes I'll be your girlfriend" I say and nudge my nose against his as well and before I can register it my back is on the couch and his lips are pressed against mine, the kiss not rushed but full of so many words that have yet to be said and he gives in, not being able to hold it in anymore.

"I love you" he says, pulling back and looking down at me to see my expression which is completely dumbfounded to say the least. "You what?" I ask and he chuckles, "Is it really that hard to believe?" he points out and I guess now that I think about it it really isn't.

"I guess we've both been in love with each other for a while now huh?" I smile and his eyes light up at my round about confession. "Say it" he says, and I can feel my cheeks heating up. I hadn't planned on actually saying those three words to him even though I've felt them for so long but I don't want to hold them back anymore. 

"I love you" I whisper and he smiles, "Say it again" he repeats, clearly not believing it just yet. "I love you Jungkook" I say and the little switch up with attaching his name to the end darkens his gaze. "I guess there's no chance in me getting you pregnant a second time right now huh?" he asks, sliding his hand up my thigh and I giggle. 

"No I think that's pretty much impossible but the odds are never zero" I say and he rolls his eyes. "I'm trying to tell you that I wanna hit it raw" he states the obvious while rolling his eyes. "I know I know...and the answer is yes Daddy" I tease, testing to see how that word affects him now that he knows.

He tongues his cheek at that making me bite my lip, knowing that's gonna be even more of a trigger word for him from now on. "Daddy huh? Well I guess that title is a little more fitting now isn't it?" 

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[suzukiblu]

Parasite WIP is so good and I desperately want more of it! I voted for it in the poll and I’m so sad it didn’t win

Friend, I appreciate you asking after it because it really is one of my fucked-up faves that I really need to work on more, so uh . . . have all 4500 words of the prose so far all together, hahaha. Yes, yes I DID reformat this whole thing into Tumblr-friendliness all for you. THAT IS HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE YOUR APPRECIATION, FRIEND. ( so definitely we are gonna need that read-more down there, lol. )

Clark wakes up. 

Clark didn't even know he wasn't awake. 

"Superman," Bruce says with absolute neutrality. He's wearing the cowl. Standing in rubble. Clark is . . . not standing in rubble. 

Laying in rubble. That's what Clark is doing. 

Bruce is looking down at him very, very carefully, and seems . . . reserved. 

Reserved for Bruce, even. 

"What happened?" Clark asks, trying not to concentrate on the little seed of dread that the sight of that reservation invokes in him. He can hear the heartbeats of other League members, here and there in the wreckage of the street around them. Hear civilians and city noise. Hear Lois and Jon, distantly, and Ma and Pa, even more distant. And . . . Kara–both of her–and . . . 

"We'll go with 'electrocution', but I think we can safely say just about anyone else would've been virtually incinerated," Bruce informs him, distracting Clark from his mental rundown of people he's currently worried about. "Or just exploded."

"Ah," Clark says with a grimace. Well, that explains why his head hurts so damn bad, he guesses.

At least it was him, then, and not any "anyone else"s. 

He pushes himself up. Looks around. He . . . isn't sure where they are, exactly, except that it's probably somewhere on Earth and within the continental United States, judging by the architecture and signs he's seeing and the accents and languages he's hearing. 

He has absolutely no idea how they got here, though. The last thing he remembers is . . . 

. . . he's not actually sure what the last thing he remembers is. 

Not a great sign, that.  

Bruce is watching him. Like he's . . . expecting something, almost. Clark would ask, but there's an odd feeling distracting him. Something's . . . off, somehow. 

Missing. 

Bruce's utility belt is a new design, he notes absently. J'onn is down the street a bit and his costume looks a little different too. And Diana . . . 

Diana is over across the way, and her hair is a couple inches longer than he remembers it being. 

Clark would assume he was mistaken, except for the eidetic memory and all. 

"Hm," Clark says. 

"Hm?" Bruce says. He still sounds faultlessly neutral. 

"Trying to figure out if I'm in the right reality. Things look a little off," Clark replies, tilting his head and narrowing his eyes in concentration. No unexpected sounds or scents. No particular feeling of disorientation that can't be accounted for by being apparently electrocuted. No additional pains past the dull pressure in his head or any immediately obvious peculiarities beyond the minor little scattered differences here and there in his teammates. 

But something is–

"I can't hear Kon," Clark realizes abruptly. He doesn't usually especially keep an ear out for the kid, at least not deliberately, but . . . 

Bruce . . . pauses. 

"You can't," he says, very carefully. It doesn't sound like a question. 

It sounds like something, though. 

"I can't," Clark confirms anyway, glancing around again. He still doesn't know where this is. "Where are we, exactly?" 

"What's the date, Kal?" Bruce asks, and Clark's heart sinks. 

He answers the question. 

Bruce's mouth thins. 

Hell, Clark thinks. 

"We're currently in Keystone City," Bruce says, very carefully expressionless. "We've been here for three days. The date you just provided me was a full fourteen months ago. And Kon-El has been MIA for roughly thirteen and a half of those months." 

Hell, Clark thinks, and doesn't let himself process anything past that. 

"We need to get a scan of your brain," Bruce says. "For starters." 

"For starters," Clark agrees tightly. 

Bruce tells Diana they're leaving, then abandons the rubble and takes Clark up to the Watchtower. Clark goes. He doesn't ask what electrocuted him or who's died in the past fourteen months or if there's anything immediately urgent that he should know. Bruce would've already told him, if there was. 

And he thinks he'd choke on the question if he tried, anyway. 

They go to the med bay. There's a total stranger standing in it who smiles at them when they step through the door. 

"Haven't seen you in here in quite a while, Superman," the stranger observes in amusement, tapping a pen against the clipboard in their hands. "You still haven't been in for that checkup I owe you, you know." 

"He doesn't know you," Bruce informs them evenly. The stranger blinks. 

"Sorry?" they say. 

"He was electrocuted," Bruce says. "Now he thinks it's fourteen months ago. We need a brain scan. Immediately." 

"Hell," the stranger says, their eyes widening in alarm. 

Clark gets the brain scan. 

He and Bruce wait in a convenient exam room for the results, which seem to be taking a while. Bruce seems a bit more guarded than usual, which means Clark is standing next to goddamn Fort Knox right now. He sighs to himself. 

"Suppose at this rate I should call and tell Lois and Jon I'll be late for dinner," he jokes wryly as he folds his arms, no real humor in the comment, and Bruce goes very, very still beside him. 

. . . hell. 

They're not dead. He knows they're not dead, he heard their heartbeats before they left for the watchtower, Bruce would've already told him if either of them were–

"They aren't expecting you," Bruce says with absolutely no intonation whatsoever in his voice. "You moved out eight months ago. The divorce is already finalized." 

"Ah," Clark says, very slowly. He doesn't let himself process, again. Not–just, not yet. "What happened?" 

"You left them," Bruce says, and Clark . . . blinks. 

"I left them?!" he demands incredulously. Leaving Lois is one thing, horrible and impossible a thought as it is, but– "Not just–I left them both?!"

"As you explained it to me, you were no longer interested in maintaining the . . . 'persona' of Clark Kent," Bruce replies carefully, looking just past him. "You said you couldn't stand the screaming anymore. That you appreciated us . . . humoring you for so long, but you couldn't just keep walking around making excuses and lying to everyone while people were suffering and dying just because you had to pretend to be human for a while. So yes. You left them. Haven't visited since Lois finally signed the divorce papers. Haven't spoken to your parents either. You've been . . . erratic. Since Kon-El's disappearance. When we couldn't find him . . . when we couldn't even find out what happened to him . . ." 

"Oh," Clark says, and his heart sinks again. 

He doesn't understand, though. Kon is–he cares about the kid, obviously. Cares very deeply about him. He's pretty sure he even loves him, at this point. But he's not . . . 

It feels terrible to think it, but Clark doesn't understand why Kon disappearing like that would affect him enough to stop being Clark. It's awful, and he still hasn't let himself actually think about it happening at all because he really can't process it right now, but that awful? Really? Awful enough to abandon being any semblance of a normal person? Abandon Lois and his parents entirely? 

Abandon Jon entirely? 

Apparently, yes. 

"Technically you're on unpaid sabbatical from the Planet," Bruce tells him. "We thought you might . . . reconsider, once you'd grieved properly, so Lois pulled some strings with Perry White. He thinks you're having an early mid-life crisis and your co-workers think you're off finding yourself in South America with a bad cell phone plan." 

"I guess I don't believe in satellite phones?" Clark says, trying for wry again. It doesn't work, but he tries all the same. 

"This is unfair of me, but I'm going to take advantage of your current mental state," Bruce says. He's looking at the wall, though there's nothing there to actually be looking at. Not even anything on the other side, at least not according to X-ray vision. "Try to remember how you feel right now, when your memories of the past year return. Try to remember who you are right now, when those memories return."

"Why?" Clark asks, watching him carefully as he does. The corners of Bruce's mouth tighten. Just barely, but undeniably. 

"You've been . . . gone, Clark," Bruce says slowly. "You won't even answer to 'Clark' anymore. You aren't the same man that I . . . that we all . . ." 

The stranger comes back before Bruce has to admit to too many personal feelings or Clark can figure out what to say to any of that, which might be a mercy but might also be–

The stranger looks . . . strange, Clark notices. Nauseated, almost. And definitely distressed. 

"I haven't done brain scans on Superman before," they say, their grip on their clipboard concerningly close to white-knuckled. "And my predecessor apparently hadn't done any in a while either. Last ones in the system are over two years old." 

"What's wrong?" Bruce says, narrowing his eyes. Honestly at this point Clark figures a kryptonite brain tumor would really just be the icing on the cake, and frankly would probably explain some of his apparent behavioral changes and current memory loss. That genuinely makes more sense than anything else, really, even with grief and guilt to contend with.

More sense than abandoning his own damn kid does, at least. 

Although a tumor's the worst-case scenario, obviously. And it can't be any worse than that, really, or any worse than anything he's apparently done to his family this past year, so at least he's braced for–

"There's an . . . organism," the stranger says, swallowing uncomfortably. "In your brain." 

"What?" Clark says. 

"A dead organism, now," the stranger clarifies. "But it looks like it's been there for a while. There are . . . roots. And . . . lesions, too." 

"An organism," Bruce repeats very, very slowly. "In Superman's brain." 

"Yes," the stranger says. 

"I don't . . ." Clark trails off. 

"We need more scans," Bruce says. 

"I ran it four times on two different machines," the stranger says. "It's organic. It's not giving off any recognizable life signs. It seems like it might've been . . . you mentioned electrocution, before?" 

"You think the electricity killed it," Bruce realizes. "And then Superman forgot fourteen months?" 

"I'm not sure Superman ever experienced those fourteen months to begin with," the stranger says tightly, gripping their clipboard even harder. 

Clark was in no way whatsoever braced for this. 

"Fuck," Bruce says. 

More scans happen after all. A lot more scans, a lot of specialists, and a lot of arguing. Everything's a bit of a blur, in a sense. Clark absorbs very little of it, and mostly leaves things to Bruce unless he's asked a direct question about his medical history. His judgment might be compromised right now, after all, whether the . . . organism is dead or not. 

The emergency OR gets prepped. The red sun lamps get set up inside it. 

"Should we contact Lois?" Bruce asks as Clark's shrugging into an ill-fitting hospital gown and preparing himself to possibly die in pursuit of getting a dead who-knows-what out of his brain before it can start to rot there and potentially kill him that way. "Or your parents?" 

"No," Clark says. "Just get this damn thing out of my head." 

If he doesn't survive the removal process . . . 

They don't know what's been going on. What he let happen to himself, somehow.

He isn't going to tell them he's back just to immediately take himself away again. 

He records something for Jon, just in case. It's not enough, but it's–something, he tells himself. It's something. 

It's all he can bring himself to do. 

He leaves the disk with the recording on it with Bruce and asks him to have Dick deliver it, if it's necessary. 

Things proceed from there, and Clark wakes up again a week later in a private room in the med bay, connected to half a dozen machines and needles and tubes and directly facing the sun. Diana is dozing in the chair next to his bed. Bruce is pacing at the foot of it. They're both in costume. Clark feels weak and groggy, but he can hear half a dozen other heartbeats lingering in the hall, so presumably they were expecting him to wake up around now. 

"Mm," he says. Diana snaps awake. Bruce stops mid-step. 

They both look at him. 

"The operation was a success," Bruce informs him. "Textbook. Or as textbook as removing a mind-controlling parasite of unknown origins from a Kryptonian brain can get for mostly-human surgeons, anyway." 

"Do you need anything?" Diana asks. "Would you like us to call your family yet?" 

Clark shakes his head, then closes his eyes and sleeps for another week. 

"Sleep", he supposes, counts as something that he needs right now. 

The next time he wakes up, he's alone in his room and disconnected from the machines and just feels . . . normal, really. Like nothing was ever wrong at all and he didn't just have major surgery that was, essentially, the equivalent of multiple traumatic brain injuries. His hair is already starting to grow back from where it was buzzed down for the surgery, and there's not even any bandages on his head. 

There's no noticeable scarring, Clark observes when he makes it to the little ensuite bathroom to take a look in the mirror. The surgeons told him there probably wouldn't be, given both the methods they'd been intending to use and the nature of his own physiology, but seeing the total lack of proof of what happened to him is just . . . strange, somehow. 

It feels almost like a cheat. Like it should be obvious, in some way. 

There was a parasite in his head. Something controlling him. Pretending to be him. Passing for him. It could've done anything it wanted. 

It did do things that Clark still has no idea about. 

So many things. 

He couldn't even fight it. Wasn't conscious or aware enough to, or just not strong enough to, or just . . . 

He couldn't even fight it. 

And he doesn't know what it did. 

The door opens. Diana walks in. 

"Would you like us to call your family now?" she asks. 

"Yes," Clark says roughly, curling his fingers around the sides of the sink in front of him. "Please." 

"Of course," Diana says with a terrible and merciless gentleness. 

Clark sits down on the lid of the toilet and just . . . cries. Just for a minute. 

Or twenty. 

Diana kneels in front of him and holds his hands in her own. 

Fourteen months, Clark thinks, all twisted up with grief and pain and so, so much regret. He missed so much. He wasn't there for Jon or Lois or his parents. He wasn't there for Bruce or Diana or the League, for either of Kara, for . . . 

For Kon. He wasn't there for Kon. 

Wasn't there for Kon when the kid needed him. 

Kon completely vanished, and who knows if the damn parasite even pretended to help look for him? If it did anything at all for him? Who knows if Clark could've found him, could've saved him, if he'd still been himself at the time? 

. . . who knows if the parasite isn't what made Kon disappear to begin with? 

It took fourteen months of Clark's life, and Kon . . . Kon disappeared two weeks into those fourteen months. 

If nothing else, the timing is a screaming red flag. 

Clark abandoned his son and might've murdered a kid who only ever looked up to him, a kid who he was never really able to fully understand but literally named, and he can't do anything to bring Kon back or to make up for the year that he wasn't there for the rest of his family. 

Their family. 

God, what has he done? What has Clark done, and did Kon die feeling afraid or shocked or terrified? Did he die feeling betrayed? Did he think it was Clark doing it, however it happened? 

Did he die thinking Clark wanted him to die? 

Clark doesn't even know what happened to his body. 

There won't be another resurrection.  

Clark chokes. Diana squeezes his hands. He grips hers like a lifeline and shudders through it. The grief is a terrible, ugly thing. It's one of the worst things Clark's ever felt. 

The guilt is worse. 

"Lois," he murmurs finally, feeling like the weakest man alive. "Could you call . . . Lois, please, and just . . . ask if she'll come. I'll explain it all to her, just–could you call her, please." 

"Yes," Diana says, squeezing his hands again. "Of course." 

"Thank you," Clark says. 

He pulls himself together, more or less, and Diana goes to make the call. She comes back a few minutes later and tells him Lois agreed, but needs to find a babysitter first. Clark in no way blames her for not bringing Jon along and frankly is surprised she's willing to come at all. 

He's not sure what he could even say to Jon right now. 

What can he? 

Diana makes sure he eats something, then leaves for monitor duty. Clark tries not to overthink things. Tries not to think too much at all. 

He spent fourteen months not thinking at all, though, all of it lost in one oblivious blink, so that doesn't work out all that well for him. 

An hour later, he hears the Zeta platform activate on the opposite side of the base, and hears Lois's heartbeat appear inside the watchtower. 

Clark exhales, very slowly. 

He waits. 

Lois comes to the med bay. She doesn't stop to talk to anyone on the way. Doesn't talk to anyone except that stranger Clark still doesn't actually know the name of, who tells her where to find him. 

And then a minute or a millennium later she's standing in the open doorway of his room, and Clark is looking at her. Her expression is neutral, and her hair is shorter than it was the last time he remembers seeing her–the last time he was the one actually seeing her. An inverse bob, not shoulder-length anymore. He recognizes the blazer and heels that she's wearing, but not the blouse or the pants. Not the earrings or the necklace, either. 

And there's no wedding ring to recognize either way. 

Clark wonders what happened to his. 

God, but she's still the most amazing woman he's ever seen, and he's still never once deserved a single part of her. Not even a fraction of a part. 

Especially not now. 

"Kal," she greets, tone just as neutral as her expression, and Clark aches. 

"Clark," he says, just a little too abrupt, and Lois–pauses. 

"Clark," she amends casually as she tucks her hands into the pockets of her blazer, and if he didn't know her quite so well he wouldn't have even heard the crack in her voice around his name, super-hearing or not. "Never seen your hair this short. I kinda miss the curl, not gonna lie. It has charm, you know? Very boy scout next door." 

"I had emergency brain surgery," Clark says. Lois pauses again. Tilts her head. He keeps talking. "Two weeks ago, now. Just woke up again fully today." 

"What?" she says, just staring at him. "You–what happened?" 

"It's . . . unclear, still," Clark replies slowly. "But as far as we can tell, roughly fourteen months back an unidentified alien parasite moved into my brain and . . . took me over, essentially. I don't actually–I don't remember any of that time. At all. Then two weeks ago I got electrocuted in Keystone and the parasite died. The surgery was to remove its body so my brain could heal from the damage it did without it rotting in there." 

Lois keeps staring at him. 

"Fourteen months," she echoes very, very carefully. 

"I'm so sorry," Clark says tightly. "Bruce told me I left you. Left you and Jon. That I stopped being . . . myself. I can't imagine how difficult that was, or how it must've felt." 

"I can't imagine how waking up and hearing that none of us even noticed you were gone felt," Lois says. 

"You never do pull a punch, do you," Clark says with a weak attempt at a smile. 

"I'm sorry," Lois says evenly. "I should've known." 

"No one did," Clark says, then . . . hesitates. "Or . . . we think no one did." 

"You think that's what happened to Kon," Lois says, because of course she's already done the math, and of course she's already had the thought herself. Obviously she would've. 

"The timing is . . . likely, at least," Clark says. "And really, if anyone was going to see my face and notice that a different person was wearing it . . ."

"You have a point," Lois murmurs. She steps into the room. Clark wants to hold her. He also wants to bury himself in the coldest, darkest place that he can find and never, ever let himself see the sun again. 

He doesn't deserve it anymore. 

"I'm so angry that I want to cry," Lois says, her voice very distant and her eyes locked on his. Clark can see her hands fisting in her pockets. "I'm so . . . god. I should've known. You never would've left Jon. Not like that." 

"Bruce made it sound like the parasite was . . . very convincing," Clark says. It convinced Bruce, who may just be the most paranoid mind on the planet, so . . .

"It was," Lois agrees, still without taking her eyes off his. "But I still should've known." 

Clark blinks a little too quickly. Lois tightens her jaw. Takes her hands out of her pockets and leaves them at her sides instead. Clark never thought he'd see them without her wedding ring again. 

"It's been–months, I know," he says, hating himself for thinking he even deserves to say this. "For you. But I still . . ." 

"I love you," Lois says. "Come home." 

There is no possible world in which he could tell her "no". 

Med bay makes him wait for another two hours of observation and runs some scans, but then they let him go. Lois waits with him the whole time. She doesn't call anyone or send any texts. Doesn't leave the room. Barely says a word. Hardly even takes her eyes off him, like she thinks if she blinks he's going to disappear. 

Clark can hardly keep her heartbeat out of his ears, so he doesn't blame her. 

He doesn't blame her at all. 

They go to Smallville. Bruce had said he'd send Dick to pick up Jon from the babysitter's and get him to the farm, and as much as Clark had wanted to go straight to him himself . . . 

Ma and Pa first, he reminds himself. This is going to be upsetting for Jon–most likely traumatic, once it all sinks in. And definitely disorienting. It'll be best if as many of the adults in his life as possible know what's going on in advance, so he can go to whoever he needs to go to; get whatever comfort they can prepare themselves to offer. 

Clark doesn't know how to do this. 

He doesn't . . . 

They don't take two steps onto the farm before a familiar blur is crashing into him head-on. 

"Oh," Clark manages, and Krypto barks excitedly and flies up to lick his face, tail wagging wildly as he jumps all over him. Like he's missed him. Like he's been waiting for him. 

Clark nearly cries again.

"Good boy, Krypto," he tells him, quiet and rough. "I missed you too, boy." 

He scratches Krypto's ears. Strokes his back. Krypto nearly bowls him over in delight. 

Clark buries his face in his neck and cries a bit after all. 

Lois watches. 

Waits. 

Clark spends . . . maybe a little bit too long crying on his dog, and then they all head up to the house. Ma and Pa are both standing on the porch; presumably they heard Krypto barking. They both look a little bit startled and a little bit confused and a lot more pained at the sight of him, and Clark swallows painfully and stops just before the porch steps. 

He looks at them, and he loves them so desperately. Everything they ever did for him, and everything they've ever been to him, and . . . 

"I'm sorry," he says. "I just . . . there was . . ."

God, the way this hurts. 

"It was mind control," he says. "The past fourteen months or so. I was . . . I wasn't. Wasn't here. Or . . . anywhere." 

"Oh," Ma says, and her eyes are instantly wet with tears. Pa blinks very quickly, his hand curling against the porch railing. 

"I'm so, so sorry," Clark repeats tightly, his own hands in useless fists. "But I'm–back now. I'm home." 

"Oh, Clark," Ma chokes, and then they both throw themselves at him. Clark's been hugged by people with strength far past superhuman, but it's never felt . . . 

No. It's never once felt the same way as when his parents do it. 

They cling to him. He clings back. Krypto barks again and swoops around the knot of them, wagging his tail hard enough to nearly knock Lois over with the force of wind it stirs up. Definitely some of the porch furniture gets displaced. 

Clark feels so much. 

They sit together on the porch, Krypto sprawled contentedly across Clark's lap and Lois on the steps beside him. Clark gives Ma and Pa what explanation he can–tells them everything he knows about Keystone and the electrocution and the watchtower and the surgery and waking up. They watch him just as intently as Lois does the entire time. 

He doesn't . . . he doesn't mention his suspicions about what might've happened to Kon. Not . . . not yet. 

He doesn't know how to. Not to Ma and Pa. Not after he brought the kid here and left him on their doorstep with no real direction and . . . 

Just–he'll tell them. He'll tell them soon. 

Just . . . not yet. 

It's not a very long talk, in the end. Ma and Pa take in everything he says and just take it all in stride, just like they always have. Baby in a spaceship? Kid with superpowers? Son who thinks he can save the whole damn world? 

Of course they take it in stride. 

Clark loves them too much to even define. Too much to even wrap his own head around. They're the best people he knows. The best people he's ever known. 

They don't even think there's anything for him to be sorry for. 

It's . . . painful, a little, when Clark realizes that. 

Or a lot. 

So, so damn painful. 

Clark hears the definitely-not-a-Batmobile coming, far down the road. Three heartbeats inside it. Dick, Damian, and . . . 

Jon. 

Obviously. 

Clark strokes Krypto's ears one last time, then gets up. No one asks him why, but he supposes the look on his face must be answer enough right now. 

He steps off the porch and goes to wait by the driveway. 

It's not that long a wait, but it feels like the better part of eternity.

[differenteagletragedy]

Cove isn't the stepdad, he's the dad who stepped up, Part 3

A third part (lol) to a story in which Baxter gets you pregnant during his summer in Sunset Bird and then ghosts you. You eventually get together with Cove and fall in love and you're getting maaarried, but Baxter is the wedding planner and isn't that awkward?

Here, you get into the planning process and wouldn't you know it, there are some hiccups with this massively uncomfortable plan.

Part 1 here aaaaaand Part 2 here

When it came to you, Cove was accommodating to a fault -- to the point where you're pretty sure you could murder somebody and he'd say, "Well, I'm sure you had your reasons."

That's why it wasn't a surprise to you that when you had a heart-to-heart on what to do about Baxter, he was comfortable leaving everything entirely up to you.

"I trust you," he said simply. "I'm with you with whatever you want to do."

And then, after you'd called the main office where Baxter worked and they'd told you that it was wedding season, they didn't have anyone else available and you wouldn't get your deposit back if you broke your contract now, he was just as understanding.

"Look," he told you quietly, keeping an eye on Dylan playing with his soccer ball as he stroked your back. "We can make it work. We always do. He can be our wedding planner ... or if you want, he can be more."

"What do you mean?"

Cove paused, scrunching up his mouth a bit, then said, "Like if you want him to meet Dylan. If you want him to know him. That's ok if you want that."

You groaned, but when your son looked up at you curiously, you put on a smile for him.

"I'll just see if he'll still be our planner, I guess?" you said. "Not really loving the idea of losing the deposit."

He laughed and squeezed your shoulder.

"It'll be fine, I'm sure of it."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A couple of days later, the two of you were back at Baxter's office, waiting for him to show up for your appointment. You'd texted him, all business, and he agreed to go forward with the planning without another word about Dylan.

You were starting to think that this may actually work out as you sat by Cove on the couch, giddily whispering about your wedding, but when Baxter came in the room, it was almost like all the air left when he closed the door behind him.

"Hello again," he said curtly, sitting in his desk chair without meeting your eyes. "Are we ready to get things underway?"

"Yeah," Cove answered, then glanced over to you. You nodded.

"Very well," Baxter said, then leaned over to his desk to grab a notepad and a pen. "I have a series of questions to ask you about your plans for the ceremony, we can take care of that today, when we'll go from there if that sounds agreeable."

He was definitely holding you at arm's length, which was fine. But every now and then, you could tell how much that pained him.

Like when he brought up the topic of surnames, and Cove explained that he wanted to take yours so he could share a last name with you and Dylan, that earned a barely perceptible bristle.

Or when your soon-to-be husband described proposing to you on the beach in your old neighborhood -- you caught his hand shaking slightly when he took a quick break from taking notes to smooth out his jacket.

"One of the services I offer for my clients is dance lessons leading up to the reception," Baxter explained at one point. "It's a bit of an edge I offer over competitors, if I'm being honest, but I do understand if you'd rather not --"

"We'll think about it," you told him, cutting him off before he could actually say how awkward things were, and he nodded.

"About the dance though," Cove began, looking at you pointedly.

"Hmm?" Baxter asked.

Knowing where Cove was going, you put your hand on his leg and spoke up for him.

"We want to have our son come in for the first dance, towards the end," you said. "And we want him to stand with us during the ceremony too."

Baxter did look at you then, really looked for the first time that day. Again you were taken aback by how much of Dylan you saw in his face, how your little boy's eyes were a perfect match for the ones staring at you now.

"Charming," he said shortly, looking back down at his notes. "I would advise then bringing him to a rehearsal so you all can get a feel of what that would look like."

"He'll do great," Cove said, almost defensively.

"I'm sure he will."

When Baxter got all the information he needed -- or when the room got too stifling to bear, you weren't really sure what came first -- he stood, bringing an end to the meeting. He offered his hand to Cove, who looked at it for a moment before accepting the handshake. He then held the same hand up to you.

He had a tiny little mole low on this wrist, you saw. You couldn't remember if you'd noticed it back then, but Dylan had one in the same spot.

You shook his hand, not expecting it to be as hot as it was.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And that's how the next few planning sessions with Baxter went. They were never exactly comfortable, but they got a little less weird, and you always found a sitter for Dylan. Whenever you had to speak with Baxter over text messages, you both kept things strictly business. Beyond that first day, there was no mention of the little boy that bonded you together.

The wedding kept creeping closer and closer, and one day, about a week before the big day, Cove brought up a difficult subject while you were washing dishes together after dinner. Your son was off for a sleepover in Sunset Bird -- a preliminary sort of thing to get him ready for the few days you and Cove would be gone for your honeymoon -- and you had to admit, the whole thing felt a little orchestrated.

"So, I've been thinking," he began, then trailed off.

"Is that the whole story?" you teased.

He gave you a playful glare, then cut right to the chase.

"I think it would be a good idea to have dance lessons. With Baxter."

"Huh?" was all you could manage.

He rinsed the last dish and set it in the drainer, then wiped his hands on his pants and turned to lean against the counter and look at you.

"It'll probably be awkward, I know that," he said. "But ... it's our wedding. I can handle an awkward dance lesson so I don't look dumb when we dance together."

"You wouldn't look dumb," you said quickly -- you were fast to defend you darling soon-to-be husband against anyone, even himself.

"I really would."

You took a moment to gather your own thoughts, drying your hands on a dish towel. You wanted Cove to have the dance lessons if he wanted them, of course, but you couldn't figure out a good way to explain how it made you feel to think about either of you spending extra time with Baxter.

"It's not just that it would be awkward," you said finally. "It's just such a complicated kind of dynamic, you know? What if he wants to know about Dylan? What if he asks to meet him?"

Instead of answering, Cove surprised you again with "I think you should take a dance lesson too."

This time, a "huh" wouldn't even come out of your gaping mouth.

"You don't have to if you don't want to, obviously," he said, moving to take you in his arms. He pulled you close to his chest and rested his chin on top of your head. "I won't either if you don't want me to."

"Where's this coming from?" you asked.

"I just think ... we're about to be married. Forever. And I don't think it's a good idea to leave anything unfinished."

You pulled back to look at him, bewildered and a little bit mad, if you were being honest.

"Cove, things between me and Baxter have been finished for a long time," you said. "You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know, I don't mean like that," he told you, cool and confident enough that you didn't have trouble believing him. "I just mean for Dylan. I know it's hard, but you need to talk to Baxter about him. What if when I try to adopt him he fights it? What if he tries to go to court or something?"

You hadn't thought about all of that.

"We should just get it out of the way, I think," he continued. "So we can move on without having to worry about it."

As much as the idea bothered you, he had a point.

Later that evening, Cove held your hand, and you texted Baxter that you'd be taking him up on those dance lessons after all.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baxter had planned it so that both you and Cove could have individual lessons with him the same day -- he'd work with Cove in the afternoon for a few hours, then you'd come in in the evening.

When the day came, you dropped Cove off at Baxter's office building, then you and Dylan were off to run errands. Later, while you were taking your lesson (and maybe having a heart-to-heart with your ex-boyfriend days before you got married), they were planning on a visit with Derek.

"Mommy, is it almost time for the big cake?" Dylan asked as you pushed him in a cart through the grocery store, stocking up on a few snacks you needed for home.

"Almost, baby," you told him -- the concept of a wedding wasn't very interesting to the four-year-old, but the big cake? Yeah, that was worth a countdown.

"Is Daddy gonna sneak me a big piece?" he asked next, obviously not very concerned about the concept of sneaking, either.

"Probably, yeah."

Your son smirked proudly at that, and you felt a little tug on your heart.

Baxter disappearing at the end of your summer together was hard, having his child while he wouldn't even answer your calls was harder. But having this precious little boy that you loved more than life itself sporting that smug smirk that his biological father probably could have patented?

Well, that was a special kind of difficult.

When you drove back to Baxter's office building to switch off with Cove, you found felt anxiety begin to really gnaw at you. You tried to put it aside as he hopped in the passenger seat for a moment and turned around to greet Dylan, but Cove knew you better than anyone.

"It'll be all right," he told you softly. "We'll be back before you know it."

You looked at the clock. Time to go.

After telling Dylan goodbye, you got out of the car to switch places with Cove. He hugged you and gave you a kiss on the forehead and told you he loved you, almost like you were going off to war.

It wasn't that dramatic, but it did sort of feel like it.

You made your way to the room where Baxter had told you to go -- he'd given you directions and they weren't difficult to follow. You came to a set of doors, pushed them open and saw him standing by himself in a large room, looking over some papers.

"Hey," you greeted softly, your anxiety only growing.

"Hello," he replied. He gave you a small smile you could tell was genuine, if not a little nervous -- a good sign, at least.

Without further discussion, he pulled a remote out of his pocket and turned on a stereo system somewhere in the room. A slow song started playing, and he wordlessly offered you his hand.

All at once, it was like you were transported five years back in time. You were 18, didn't have a care in the world, and a weird but adorable boy had moved in across the street for the summer and stole your heart in the process.

It wasn't that you wanted to be with Baxter -- Cove was the love of your life, you'd never been as sure about anything as you were with that. And you wouldn't take back the little family you'd created together for anything.

You just wished that parts of it -- like this part right now, reconnecting with Baxter -- weren't so hard.

You took his hand, and he pulled you closer, placing his other hand on your back. You put your free hand on his shoulder, and away you went.

After a few moments of not-so-comfortable silence, you asked, "So how did Cove do?"

"Splendidly," he answered, looking up from your feet to look you in the eyes. "You're very lucky. Both you and your son."

And there it was.

"Why did you have to leave like that?" you asked, the question out of your mouth before you really had a chance to fully process what you'd said.

He took in a shaky breath and you felt his body tense, but he answered. It was more of the self-flagellating insecurities you remembered him being filled with back then -- he didn't want to be important in your life, he didn't think he was. He thought that he could have a nice fun summer with you and that it wouldn't matter to you if he left without a trace.

You'd hated it then, and you hated it now, but this time there was an extra layer to it.

"I honestly don't know what I would have done if I'd known ... about him," he said, moving you around the room as a bit of an afterthought. "I've been thinking about it, and I'm not sure. Part of me likes to believe I would have stepped up as Cove did, but Cove is a far better man than I am. So if it's any consolation at all, I do believe I would have failed you both either way."

"It's really not," was all you could think to say.

"Yes, I didn't suppose it would be. Still, I'm left wondering, as I'm sure you are, where do we go from here?"

You looked at him deeply. It was a good question.

"You're going to meet him, I guess," you said. "At the rehearsal at least, or at the ceremony."

"I've thought about that," Baxter admitted. "I won't do anything you're uncomfortable with, of course. I do find myself interacting with children when they're involved with the ceremony, but ... if you don't want me to speak with him, I will respect that."

Tears sprung to your eyes at the thought -- you knew that since Dylan was going to be in the ceremony, he'd at least come into contact with the wedding planner. But seeing everything come together like this, being faced with the reality of it all, was even harder than you'd anticipated.

"He doesn't know anything about you," you told him. "He doesn't know that Cove isn't ... he's his dad, that's not ... he doesn't know that there's anything to know, I guess is what I'm trying to say."

You'd meant to clear the air with Baxter -- to actually talk about things, really talk about them, and settle them once and for all. But instead, you found yourself dancing around an empty room with him, crying while he held your hand a little too tightly.

[serial-serializednovelreader]

Nova's Notes - North and South - Chapter 3

Last time we saw our heroine Margaret, she had just received word that Henry Lennox had come to call on her. Let's see how it goes!

So, she is excited to see Henry, as she has just been thinking about him and his promise. Margaret is a little surprised though, since he's supposed to be off with Edith and his brother on their honeymoon.

*record scratch* Hold up, he was accompanying them on their honeymoon??? I know right! And not just him, but his uncle as well? What kind of monster is he?

Well, five seconds ago, I would've agreed with you, but I was able to find this article that points to this being a fairly common practice in order to ease the woman into the marriage (not exactly an academic source, but the first one I found). So, he's not intruding or third-wheeling, but instead helping grow the marriage. What a nice guy, right? Well...avid readers of this will know I'm not Henry's biggest fan, and in the first few sentences he -- again -- says something that raises my hackles a bit.

“'Oh!' said he, more lightly, 'our young couple were playing such foolish pranks, running all sorts of risks, climbing this mountain, sailing on that lake, that I really thought they needed a Mentor to take care of them. And indeed they did: they were quite beyond my uncle’s management, and kept the old gentleman in a panic for sixteen hours out of the twenty-four. Indeed, when I once saw how unfit they were to be trusted alone, I thought it my duty not to leave them till I had seen them safely embarked at Plymouth.'”

Oh no, our couple has done the horrible problem of -- *checks notes* -- having fun on their honeymoon...? If their version of a "prank" is ditching their relatives to get some alone time -- uh, yeah, I would too!!! I mean, I guess I can see where he's coming from on some of these points if they truly are taking dangerous risks, but it honestly sounds like they're trying to sneak in some alone time here and doing fun couple activities together. It's not good that the uncle is panicking, but his brother is in the army. Surely he's prepared for things like mountain climbing and saying they're "unfit to be alone" is quite ridiculous. If he's worried about them doing...other kinds of activities while alone...I hate to tell him, but they're already married so that ship has sailed (literally). If he's truly worried about "danger," how is he -- a lawyer -- more prepared to face it than his brother who's in the army? (Not that lawyers can't face danger, considering Jonathan from Dracula is a lawyer and he just climbed a castle wall not too long ago, but that's a different book/genre lol). Also presenting himself as a "Mentor" (capital M) is HILARIOUS to me considering a) he's younger than at least one of them and b) mentor to what? Being married??? Henry???? He probably means climbing or sailing, but my version is funnier -- just saying.

I guess he might also be kidding about some of this, which is something I should have considered but didn't because I don't pick up well on social cues (I'm like Margaret in that way: we'll get there :D). So if he is kidding, sorry about that, but if I'm to take what he's saying at face value here, he just sounds like a nuisance to the couple. He says he's now "relieved of many responsibilities" but it just sounds like he put those responsibilities on himself.

He then gives her a note from Edith and she doesn't want to read it in front of him because she "half wish[ed] to read it alone and unwatched". I find this interesting that she has to make up an excuse to get away from him here, just to do so! Is it because Margaret doesn't feel comfortable reading letters in front of people in general, or because Henry specifically causes the discomfort? Gaskell doesn't elaborate, but I'll keep an eye out for if she feels comfortable enough to read a letter in front of anyone else in a future chapter, because either could be valid.

Henry begins to look around the room in "his scrutinizing way" and notices how "poor" the place looks, even when the light is hitting it, which should make it looks its best. Then he says this (with a sigh):

"'The living is evidently as small as she said. It seems strange, for the Beresfords belong to a good family.'”

Oh, no! You've just activated a red flag!!! This whole reply is a red flag, but I want to highlight the main problem area (in my opinion) -- the "as she said". What's the problem with this?

To me, this indicates he didn't listen to her when she told him how small her living was the first time around. He assumed she was downplaying it and would come back to find something more like Harley Street. I suppose that was the fashion back then -- to act of more humble means than you were -- but here's the thing: Margaret isn't like that. She says thing as they are and if he knew her as well as he thinks, he would've taken her words at face value. I know that just from three chapters of reading about her!! If he doesn't believe this one thing she says now, how is that going to work later if they foster a relationship (again, we're getting there)? I also just don't like that Henry is pulling a surprised Pikachu face here!!! And while I know good family = wealthy in this time period, still not a great thing to say. Like, hmm her family is poor that's weird :/. He's acting like he didn't get what he wanted for Christmas or something. Definitely not the reaction I would want from a potential partner.

Margaret, meanwhile, is dealing with a problemTM. Namely, her mother. Apparently she gets into moods where everything is an Issue and Henry is considered an Issue -- so, she refuses to see him. This is a dilemma, because Margaret had told Henry that her mamma would LOVE to meet him and will meet with him shortly. I may not know much about etiquette, but I know this is a snub if she refuses to meet with him now. Plus, her dad can't help because he was already in a bad mood (seems like something we'll unravel later) and Mrs. Hale made it worse by commenting *once again* on moving, which caused him to ask her to please stop speaking against the place. So yeah, this isn't going well!

Margaret "listen[s] patiently", but she has to figure things out somehow, so she pulls a problem-solving move. She proposes that after a quick meetup with Henry and her mom (as for it not to look weird), she and Henry can go out sketching, which will mean less interaction for her mother to worry about. Then, even though they only have cold meat for lunch, they can still make that work for the meal, since light food was usually expected at the midday meal (from what I could find -- correct me if I'm wrong) and Henry will expect it that way. That's when Mr. Hale will join them, having had enough time between 10:30 and 2:00 to compose himself.

I love seeing this side of her! We've already seen glimpses, but I think it's the first time we've truly seen her go into what I would call a "problem-solving mode". I would definitely add that to her list of qualities!

"He evidently expected to be asked to spend the day, and accepted the invitation with a glad readiness that made Mrs. Hale wish she could add something to the cold beef. He was pleased with everything; delighted with Margaret’s idea of going out sketching together; would not have Mr. Hale disturbed for the world, with the prospect of so soon meeting him at dinner."

I wonder if it's apparent to everyone involved Henry wants to be asked to stay the whole day, or if it's just Mrs. Hale? It makes sense that he wants to since he said he would be checking up on what Margaret does all day. I don't know much about calling hours or social etiquette in the Victorian era, but from what I could find, he's making a "morning call". Usually a man in this situation should leave after 20 minutes. However, he's family, so I believe this allots for staying a few hours, including dinner (again, correct me if I'm wrong -- I tried to find sources for this, but there wasn't much available for a morning call from family). Does it seem interesting how eager it is how "pleased" he is by everything just after he thought about how poor the family is? Yep! But we don't have time to unpack all of that just yet.

"'Now, please, just stop here for a minute or two,' said Margaret. 'These are the cottages that haunted me so during the rainy fortnight, reproaching me for not having sketched them.' 'Before they tumbled down and were no more seen. Truly, if they are to be sketched—and they are very picturesque—we had better not put it off till next year. But where shall we sit?' 'Oh! You might have come straight from chambers in the Temple, instead of having been two months in the Highlands! Look at this beautiful trunk of a tree, which the woodcutters have left just in the right place for the light. I will put my plaid over it, and it will be a regular forest throne.' 'With your feet in that puddle for a regal footstool! Stay, I will move, and then you can come nearer this way. Who lives in these cottages?'”

I feel like this conversation parallels their awkward interaction from chapter one, though now the shoe is on the other foot. And by "shoe", I mean the whole "shutting down the conversation" thing. To be fair, this is probably Henry joking and being lighthearted, but again -- I'm having trouble reading it that way. She's trying to sketch two cottages that she thinks are pretty, but he's kind of mocking them for how decrepit they look. Fair, I guess, but the fact that she chooses to mock him by saying he's "come staight from chambers in the Temple" (which I believe is a reference to the Temple in Jerusalem and to me, signals she's mocking his loftiness) says she's not entirely happy with this either. Plus, yeah, he just spent time in the Highlands, shouldn't he be used to forest by now? And when she wants to make a "throne" out of a tree stump, he comments on the puddle on the ground. Chivalrous to ask her to get out of the way, but he's not playing along with her game of pretend like he seemed to want her to in chapter 1. I wonder what's up with that? Or maybe I'm reading this all wrong and they're both enjoying this banter -- I don't know, it's really hard for me to tell!! Keep in mind, I'm biased and don't really like Henry, so everything he says annoys me. It's a problem I'll try to work on 😂😂

She goes to talk to one of the men at the cottages, and Henry quickly takes his opportunity to add her to his sketch. Afterwards, she notices and comments on it. He replies:

“'It was irresistible. You can’t know how strong a temptation it was. I hardly dare tell you how much I shall like this sketch.' He was not quite sure whether she heard this latter sentence before she went to the brook to wash her palette. She came back rather flushed, but looking perfectly innocent and unconscious. He was glad of it, for the speech had slipped from him unawares—a rare thing in the case of a man who premeditated his actions so much as Henry Lennox."

I will admit, this is rather cute: him taking the opportunity to sketch her and then saying something without thought! It's a sweet moment and I think I would like the two of them together if they had more moments like this.

When they return back, both Mr. and Mrs. Hale are in much better spirits. Margaret sees her father and while she stresses that he's put aside his worries (they're not taken care of), she can't hide her pride at seeing him because he's always able to impress other people! What a sweetheart, love her for that.

Mr. Hale sees their sketches and when Mr. Hale sees the one Henry drew, Henry comments this:

“'I should say that a likeness you very much wish to take you would always succeed in,' said Mr. Lennox. 'I have great faith in the power of will. I think myself I have succeeded pretty well in yours.'”

I may not read social cues well, but this one I do get: I like you and want to draw you well. However, I know that because I've picked up on it after seeing Henry's inner thoughts. I'm not so surprised she doesn't get it because, as we'll see later in the chapter, she doesn't see him that way. So this compliment -- while nice -- wouldn't mean to her what he's trying to communicate. Why is this important for me to emphasize? Well, listen to what this guy says next:

“"A regular London girl would understand the implied meaning of that speech,' thought Mr. Lennox. 'She would be up to looking through every speech that a young man made her for the arrière-pensée of a compliment. But I don’t believe Margaret,'"

Lol, lmao even. HENRY, buddy, we've been over this -- you should know her better than this by now. I'm not trying to pull a "she's not like other girls" thing, but you started it. She doesn't have the same communication style as the "regular London girl[s]" you're thinking of! If you want to communicate something, you're going to have to be more blunt.

Also, if we continue with my thread of Margaret being neurodivergent-coded (and Henry being neurotypical-coded), this comment is something a lot of NTs often get frustrated by: that NDs don't pick up on the nuances of their interactions. This comment right here really cements this dynamic for me.

To me, it’s understandable she wouldn't pick up on this being flirting because it's subtle to begin with and ND people often have trouble picking up on social cues like this. I do find it interesting how he also expects her to be picking apart his speeches for compliments. Also "arrière-pensée" means "a concealed thought" or "ulterior motive", by the way!

Quick note: the quote is cut off deliberately like that for a reason, he doesn't finish his thought.

Luckily (or unluckily, depending on your view), he decides to try a different tactic. She has been gathering roses to "adorn her morning gown for dinner" and he takes this opportunity to help her with some she can't reach (relatable!) and puts a couple in his button-hole. While this isn't exactly a declaration of love, I do think this is another sweet moment. This could almost be a better show of affection than words for some.

Dinner is a very nice affair, with everyone talking very agreeably, enough so to make Henry forget his feeling of "disappointment" of Margaret's living being so small. Like she had told him. Ugh.

However, there comes a bit of a hitch when dessert comes around. Mr. Hale becomes fixated on the idea of dessert -- which must be pears from the garden. However, they already have dessert served behind him: biscuits with marmalade. Mrs. Hale worries that this pear idea will make their life seem "impromptu" and dessert "unusual" (which will not shine a good light on their living situation, I imagine).

Henry actually steps up with a solution this time: they should eat pears in the garden in order to give them the full experience. Though Mrs. Hale doesn't quite like this idea (she wants to end dinner the ceremonious way), Mr. Hale doesn't give her time to argue: he simply gets up. This shows me that Mr. Hale is probably still not in the best of moods, and likely put out with her as well for what she said in the morning. Either that, or he's so absorbed by his own worries that he isn't thinking of hers. Eep, not good.

So Mr. Hale, Henry and Margaret go out into the garden to enjoy some pears. While Mr. Hale grabs the ripest pear (to get over his anxieties -- relatable), Henry makes eyes at Margaret 👁️👁️. He then takes her to stroll while Mr. Hale sits on the garden bench. Oh no! What can this mean? Well, for Margaret, she just thinks this is a friendly chat. Hmm....

He immediately starts by idealizing her country life and scorning his "city life" (comparing himself to a Cockney), ending with insinuating he would want to live here as his "reward" for all of his hard lawyer work.

She replies by shutting down the fantasy (lol), that the beauty he sees isn't always there and besides, didn't he mock her village before and call it out of a tale? Once she makes it clear she saw it as disrespectful, he "warmly" states he'll never do it again.

I do like that she's comfortable enough with him to feel able to tell him she felt disrespected by his words: that's a good sign, at least. And while he doesn't exactly apologize, he does back down once he realizes this was genuinely negative to her. Gotta take our wins where we can!

""I could almost wish, Margaret——' he stopped and hesitated. It was so unusual for the fluent lawyer to hesitate that Margaret looked up at him, in a little state of questioning wonder; but in an instant—from what about him she could not tell—she wished herself back with her mother—her father—anywhere away from him, for she was sure he was going to say something to which she should not know what to reply. In another moment the strong pride that was in her came to conquer her sudden agitation, which she hoped he had not perceived. Of course she could answer, and answer the right thing; and it was poor and despicable of her to shrink from hearing any speech, as if she had not power to put an end to it with her high maidenly dignity."

I love this passage for so many reasons. For one thing, it has that relatable feeling one gets when you have that one guy friend who hits you with the "I have to tell you something..." and even when you don't know what they're going to say, you also know what's happening...

But I love that she has that scared moment and then she's like -- wait a minute? This is me -- Margaret Hale -- we're talking about and I will say what I want and it will be right because I make it so. I will not shrink from any speech coming my way and if I have to, will put an end to it with my high 👏 maidenly 👏 dignity 👏 . What an ABSOLUTE QUEEN FOR THAT!!!!! I aspire to be like her; why wasn't I told what an absolute girl boss of a role model this fictional character was? And I don't just mean like before I read this (I was given some notice), I mean like why isn't she given more love in pop culture just for this passage alone? (I could speculate why, but I don't want to get sad about that lol). If I didn't already love her, this right here would've made me love her. This passage is definitely something I will be remembering when I feel anxious about difficult conversations! Just, WOW, chef's kiss.

Forgive me, it's going to be a lot of passages from here on out, but I really want to analyze the exact wording here.

"'Margaret,' said he, taking her by surprise, and getting sudden possession of her hand, so that she was forced to stand still and listen, despising herself for the fluttering at her heart all the time; 'Margaret, I wish you did not like Helstone so much—did not seem so perfectly calm and happy here. I have been hoping for these three months past to find you regretting London—and London friends, a little—enough to make you listen more kindly' (for she was quietly, but firmly, striving to extricate her hand from his grasp) 'to one who has not much to offer, it is true—nothing but prospects in the future—but who does love you, Margaret, almost in spite of himself. Margaret, have I startled you too much? Speak!' For he saw her lips quivering almost as if she were going to cry."

Okaaaaaay, that escalated VERY quickly -- Margaret didn't even get time to put a stop to it!!! I can't blame her, he's not giving her the chance to speak. So, the fact that he grabs her hand so she's "forced to stand still and listen"? Yikes. Her heart is "fluttering" and she hates herself for it? Also yikes because I doubt it's fluttering from liking him. I could be wrong, but I'm like 99.9% sure her heart is like that out of nerves.

Not to mention his speech: Henry starts off by being upset she likes Helstone and seems happy there -- you know, the place where her parents are??? Her hometown???? The place he just yapped on and on about being the best place ever and seemed like a reward to him? What happened to that? Swift 180 turn to me. Oh, and let's not forget he doesn't like seeing her calm and happy -- uhhhh...ok?

Now I know what he's trying to say here: he doesn't like seeing her happy here in Helstone because he wants her to be so miserable that she'll want to come back to London (and be with him). If she's miserable, it'll show she cares for him. Here's the problems I have with that logic:

Who's to say she doesn't miss her friends and she's just hiding it? Some people are better at hiding their grief than others.

Margaret is a very "live in the present" type of person; it's not that she doesn't miss Harley Street, but tends to just kind of live in the moment. Him not realizing that -- or wanting her to be miserable despite knowing that -- shows that he probably doesn't know her or care for her as much as he says he does a couple of sentences later.

She hasn't lived with her parents for years and spent most of her childhood without them being a large part of her life (I'm assuming from the limited text we have). Why doesn't she have the right to be calm and happy while living with them? It's pretty understandable she would be more happy with them because if anything *they're* the ones she was probably "more miserable" without. I'm sure she was fine at Harley Street, but she really seems to love her parents and her first night at Harley Street as a child seemed difficult: I'm not surprised she's happy at Helstone! This guy has some audacity to be like "aren't you miserable without me though 🥺" when like -- SHE'S VISITING HER PARENTS???!!?!?! It's been three months, calm down dude.

Let's imagine a world where Henry's completely right (a world I'm glad we don't live in, personally) and she's totally miserable because -- oh, Henry's not at Helstone 🥺💔. Even so, when you visit your friends/crush/whatever that you've missed and you haven't seen for a while, do you act miserable and talk constantly about how much you miss them? I mean, I don't! I usually try to keep up appearances if I am sad, but I actually almost always brighten up around the person I'm with because they make my day better. I get excited and in my element; to the outside person, you'd never know I'd be totally upset when they left because that's how happy I am! Of course, I'd say I miss them or whatever, but I wouldn't make a scene like he seems to want her to.

Going off of that, if you truly cared for someone, wouldn't you want them to be happy? Like he tells her he loves her but starts off his whole speech before he gets to that point with "I wish you were less happy and more miserable because that means you'd miss me and give me a chance" and that's...I don't even know what to say to that. I didn't think you could get worse than Mr. Collins or Mr. Darcy's failed proposals, but I think that beats it. In Mr. Collins's case, at least he starts off with compliments (though they're backhanded and he doesn't really mean them, lol) and at least with Mr. Darcy, he starts off with "I love you" and lists the reasons before he starts insulting her family!!! I guess it's a "pick your poison" thing, but seriously, what a way to start off a love confession speech/proposal.

Then -- and this is what really gets me here -- he notices her trying to get him to release her arm: another sign she's not enjoying this. Now, she's doing this in a quiet but firm way, not wanting to make a scene -- but not backing down, either. Instead of doing the decent person thing and letting her hand go, he keeps his grip and tells her to listen more "kindly". He takes this as yet another sign she didn't "miss him enough" and WOW. Um...I don't have much to say to this; I think it speaks for itself. I will say, everytime I read it I'm filled with an immeasurable amount of rage, if that tells you anything.

He also ends his very touching and heartfelt speech (/s) with saying that he loves her "almost in spite of himself". Aaaaand we're back to Mr. Darcy with his whole "yeah your family is below me and an insult to the human race and I actually wish I could stop thinking about you but in spite of all of that I love you whoops". I think he means this in more of a "I'm not a feelings person, so for me to be in love with you is a big deal" (we'll get to that speech of his soon), but it still comes across wrong to me. If you're going to say that, please clarify what you mean!!!

And THEN -- as if that's not bad enough -- he sees her lips quivering as if she's going to cry and after asking if she's startled (not the emotion I'd be asking after, but ok), he commands her to speak. As someone who gets overwhelmed easily, I would actually hate someone doing that to me!

And if we continue the thread of Margaret being ND, what if she's not able to speak because she's too overstimulated from whatever the heck that just was? I know she just hyped herself up -- and that's amazing, don't get me wrong -- but it could very well be difficult for her to communicate using spoken language and the fact that he wants her to speak right now is a bit reminiscent of how NTs will often force NDs to "act neurotypical" in difficult situations (e.g. "make eye contact, speak on this" etc.) and it's heartbreaking to read using this lens.

Even if we don't read it in that vein, who sees someone about to cry and goes "Speak!"? Get a grip, man.

"She made a strong effort to be calm; she would not speak till she had succeeded in mastering her voice, and then she said: 'I was startled. I did not know that you cared for me in that way. I have always thought of you as a friend; and, please, I would rather go on thinking of you so. I don’t like to be spoken to as you have been doing. I cannot answer you as you want me to do, and yet I should feel so sorry if I vexed you.'”

I feel for her here: I’m glad she takes a moment to be calm, but I imagine it must cost a lot of emotional effort to do so. If I were in her shoes, I don’t even know if I could manage it!

Also, her speech itself is a masteclass in kind — but firm — rejection, in my opinion. Notice how she answers his last question first: that yes, she was startled. That is easiest to answer, so she focuses on it. Then, she expounds on it by letting him know she wasn’t aware of his deep feelings, which caused her to be startled.

That’s when the boundary-setting starts! She sets two of them: in order to “keep thinking of him as a friend”, he will need to discontinue his advances and then she states she doesn’t like the way he has been speaking to her — aka, all of the ways he just offended her in that last paragraph? Stop it immediately.

She ends it by affirming that she cannot give him the answers he desires, but does not want to “vex” him. Just to be sure I was reading her meaning correctly, I looked up the meaning of vexed:

“to bring trouble, distress, or agitation to”

So, she’s worried about troubling him. Yes, distress is in there too, but I think it’s interesting she uses that word to describe how he will take her not returning his feelings. Historically, women do have to worry about how men will react to them not returning feelings -- sometimes to an extreme degree -- and it can feel as if it’s more of a case of them being troubled/agitated rather than distressed. I can’t speak for everyone of course, but it sucks that women have to feel so responsible for men’s happiness to the point of saying “sorry for the trouble” if the feelings aren’t returned! (And yes, I know this issue can happen regardless of gender, but I’m focusing on this dynamic since that’s how it appears here.)

So, how does Henry react? Does he reassure her that he isn’t entitled to her feelings? Asks for space to deal with his own emotions, perhaps? Nope!

“‘Margaret,’ said he, looking into her eyes, which met his with their open, straight look, expressive of the utmost good faith and reluctance to give pain, ‘Do you’—he was going to say—‘love any one else?’ But it seemed as if this question would be an insult to the pure serenity of those eyes. ‘Forgive me! I have been too abrupt. I am punished. Only let me hope. Give me the poor comfort of telling me you have never seen any one whom you could——‘ Again a pause. He could not end his sentence. Margaret reproached herself acutely as the cause of his distress.’”

It’s interesting to me that Henry decides not to ask if she loves anyone else because he doesn’t want to insult “pure serenity” of her eyes. Some may call this nice, I call this asking for a punch in the face. It rides a bit too close to the “purity culture” line for me and I don’t like it. It seems as if Henry thinks she has too much good faith to ever be “unfaithful” to him by even entertaining the thought of someone else. Perhaps I’m wrong, but this is how it reads to me.

Then he asks for forgiveness and says he’s been too abrupt (ok, good start) but says he’s punished. Punished how? Punished for what? If you mean she’s punishing you for speaking to her a certain way by not returning feelings — just NO. That’s not what’s happening here!!!! She doesn’t return your feelings because she doesn’t like you, just accept it.

That’s when Henry really drops the hammer of “can you give me hope and return my feelings one day 🥺” which — oh, boy. On one hand, I can feel for him here, but it’s strange to me that he also wants her to promise that she’s never seen anyone that has caught her fancy. It’s a very “if I can’t have you, no one can” mentality. It even causes Margaret to get mad at herself for “causing” him to be so upset — which, again, he is not entitled to her feelings and she is not responsible for his happiness.

“‘Ah! if you had but never got this fancy into your head! It was such a pleasure to think of you as a friend.’

‘But I may hope, may I not, Margaret, that some time you will think of me as a lover? Not yet, I see—there is no hurry—but some time——‘

She was silent for a minute or two, trying to discover the truth as it was in her own heart, before replying, then she said:

‘I have never thought of—you, but as a friend. I like to think of you so; but I am sure I could never think of you as anything else. Pray let us both forget that all this” (“disagreeable,” she was going to say, but stopped short) ‘conversation has taken place.’”

Ok, so I’m going to take Henry’s side for just a second on this — hear me out. I think it’s a little mean for her to call his feelings just a “fancy” as if he thought of it one day and, on a lark, decided to confess his feelings. I don’t think that’s fair of her to say to him. You can’t help your feelings and it’s not entirely fair of her to expect him to keep it bottled up inside. While his confession speech has been pretty abysmal (sorry it’s true), I don’t blame him for having those feelings, just the way they’re expressed.

On the other hand, I’ve been in Margaret's exact same situation and have almost wanted to say the exact same thing! Like “we had such a good thing going and this came out of nowhere; what’s up with that?” I didn’t though, because I realize that’s kind of invalidating to hear. I also think that’s her being blunt and not filtering her thoughts, which is understandable given the heightened emotions (and even more so, if we read it in the lens of her being ND).

Henry insists on the point of her being able to love him romantically sometime in the future, to which she has to think about. I’m glad she actually takes the time to examine her own feelings before answering. She already knows the answer, but it’s good to be sure and honestly give it some thought.

That’s when she drops a hammer of her own: she has only thought of him as a friend, does so now, and is certain she can only do so in the future. She also wants to set this conversation behind them — almost calling it disagreeable in the process. She stops herself short, but I believe she makes a face or something in her demeanor registers it as such, because Henry picks up on it. Again, she’s being blunt, but this time she’s able to catch herself and spare his feelings a little.

“He paused before he replied. Then, in his habitual coldness of tone, he answered:

‘Of course, as your feelings are so decided, and as this conversation has been so evidently unpleasant to you, it had better not be remembered. That is all very fine in theory, that plan of forgetting whatever is painful, but it will be somewhat difficult for me, at least, to carry it into execution.’”

It’s telling that he becomes cold once he realizes she’s serious about staying friends forever. It’s sad that this 180 degree turn from Henry is still so relatable in today’s age! He does agree to her wishes, albeit reluctantly due to it being difficult for him. This I can understand; once you confess your feelings for someone and are subsequently rejected, it's a bit hard to just "forget" the entire conversation and go back to normal. Unfortunately, that's the consequence you have to face if you're going to confess to your friend like that; I think he was just so confident she'd return his feelings, he assumed this wouldn't happen.

“'You are vexed,' said she, sadly; “yet how can I help it?' She looked so truly grieved as she said this, that he struggled for a moment with his real disappointment, and then answered more cheerfully, but still with a little hardness in his tone: 'You should make allowances for the mortification, not only of a lover, Margaret, but of a man not given to romance in general—prudent, worldly, as some people call me—who has been carried out of his usual habits by the force of a passion—well, we will say no more of that; but in the one outlet which he has formed for the deeper and better feelings of his nature, he meets with rejection and repulse. I shall have to console myself with scorning my own folly. A struggling barrister to think of matrimony!'”

Her grief does cause him to realize that he needs to stop making her feel bad about this -- or, at least, broadcast a facade of good cheer -- if they're going to have any hope of keeping the friendship. After all, they're still in Helstone's garden with Margaret's dad not too far off!!!

However, he's not able to cover up his "disappointment" entirely and it shows as "hardness in his tone". He doesn't apologize for giving her grief, but instead asks her to make "allowances" for him. I don't like this for a lot of reasons (why does she have to make allowances for you when you don't seem to give the same respect back?), but what's even worse is that he says one of those allowances should be "for the mortification...of a lover..." UM??? If I’m reading this right, he wants her to allow for him feeling like he was her lover and now having to deal with her rejection of romance. Henry, let me break it down for you: you were never her lover -- ever. If you felt like her lover, that is your issue, not hers, to deal with. The fact that you're admitting that aloud is appalling and the fact you want her to allow for that problem is even worse. It’s almost like he kept up a pretense of friendship and all the while imagining they were lovers. That’s so weird!!! And again, remains relatable (unfortunately).

The other allowance, which I mentioned earlier, is that he’s not a big “feelings” person and since he got carried away by his passions, she should understand why he feels crushed that the one time he’s swept off his feet by romance, the feelings are not returned. I hate to tell you, Henry, but just because you’re more “worldly” than the rest of us doesn’t mean you’re going to get a girlfriend faster: just a pro tip!

Both of these allowances are quite silly, in my opinion. Yeah, so you have a crush for the first time and you thought of her as your girlfriend and the feelings weren’t mutual. What is she supposed to do, give you a cookie? I’m being facetious, of course, I know what he’s actually hoping is for her to change her mind and be like “I had no idea I was your first crush 🥺 wow, since I’m so special to you, of course I’ll court you!!! 😍❤️” which — ugh. I want to say he doesn’t understand how women work, but I’m hard-pressed to see how this would work on anyone!! Maybe in his head it would work on one of those “regular London girls” (which I’m beginning to think is just a made up notion in his head of women anyway), but I’ve said that Margaret is not one of those women (if they do exist) and never will be. The fact that he thinks he can make her be one or she will become one in time is concerning: what would he be like if they did court? Would she be expected to change for him? Or even if he does like her as is, would she be expected to “act differently” in front of his friends and other relatives? Again, reading this in a NT/ND lens really adds another layer of meaning to how this would affect Margaret’s mental health in the long term.

He ends this by saying he’ll have to “console himself by scorning his own folly” and scoffing at the idea of a struggling man in his job thinking of marriage. First of all, she has literally said nothing about your profession — you brought that up briefly before in your confession (I didn’t mention it because I didn’t have anything to say on it) — but she never said “I’m not going to court you because you’re a lawyer struggling to make ends meet”. Of course, you’re going to think that because it’s easier to think of her as shallow (only after men for their current money) and the “problem” as something you can fix (he can fix a money issue, can’t fix her thoughts of him being a friend), but really: how in denial can you be?

Secondly, this is the first time he’s brought up marriage. Of course, in the Victorian age that’s where courtships were supposed to lead, but still. It’s interesting that he waited until now to drop that last bit in; it almost seems like a last-ditch lament to be like “woe is me! How could I think anyone would ever marry me 🥺💔” which would pull at the heartstrings. Of course, I’m likely reading too much into this because I’m reading it in the tone of him doing anything to try to get her to court/marry him, even using manipulation and guilt tactics to do so. Is it likely he’s just upset and saying whatever comes to mind? Sure. But some people will do anything to get their way and so far he hasn’t shown himself to be very graceful in dealing with rejection.

“Margaret could not answer this. The whole tone of it annoyed her. It seemed to touch on and call out all the points of difference which had often repelled her in him; while yet he was the pleasantest man, the most sympathising friend, the person of all others who understood her best in Harley Street. She felt a tinge of contempt mingle itself with her pain at having refused him. Her beautiful lip curled in a slight disdain.”

I suppose I’m not the only one getting bad vibes from this last speech. Margaret sees the worst parts of him — the little things that had always bothered her about him — and while she still feels bad about hurting him, she can’t help but visibly show “disdain” for the way he’s talking to her now.

Suddenly, they come upon Mr. Hale and Margaret feels as if she's had an out-of-body experience, comparing it to an Eastern tale of a king who went through an experience of a lifetime just by dipping his head in a magical basin of water. In other words, she is not the same as she was when she last saw her father!

Of course, due to the amount of emotions with everything that has just taken place, she is quite unable to speak and lets Henry and her father do most of the talking. Henry notices her quiet and morose look and:

“"I am not so indifferent to her as she believes,' thought he to himself. 'I do not give up hope."”

Oh...oh no. Henry, literally just accept the no. She told you no -- JUST ACCEPT THE -- ok, I need to calm down. This man is fictional. The problem is there are men -- nay, people -- who think like this. Who will hear a "no" and then see the person's face and have such a cognitive dissonance IN THEIR BRAIN that they're like "nah, they actually totally want me, THEY just can't see the truth yet." As if they know better.

It's really hilarious Henry thinks he knows Margaret's thoughts and feelings better than *she* does considering he doesn't even know how to talk to her without her shutting him down because he accidentally disrespected her small town (rhyme not intended but a pleasant surprise). How does he think a relationship with a foundation like that? I realize they are good friends and get along in other ways, but it is sooooo telling to me that the *second* he flirts, she either becomes uncomfortable or straight up doesn't get it (or pretends not to, depending on how you read it). How could they be married like that??

So yeah, unfortunately, Margaret is not even allowed to look sad without Henry jumping on the chance that she'll want him someday. I'm almost 100% sure this would've happened regardless of the facial expression she had. Happy (from trying to keep up a cheerful facade)? "Oh, she's actually super happy I confessed my feelings and will love me soon, just watch." Mad? "She's actually mad at herself for refusing me." Confused? "She doesn't know what she wants, she'll choose me eventually." That's just the kind of person we're dealing with here.

"Before a quarter of an hour was over, he had fallen into a way of conversing with quiet sarcasm; speaking of life in London and life in the country, as if he were conscious of his second mocking self, and afraid of his own satire."

Ok, so this passage is really hard to decipher for me and I might need some help figuring ot out! From what I'm able to gather, he's mainly mocking both the country and London, but maybe in also a self-depricating way as well (this is the main part I'm stuck on)? What I do understand is why he's doing this; Henry is a man who's default is to mock and be sarcastic. It's his coping mechanism for when things get too "real". We haven't seen him be as such yet because he hasn't needed to be around Margaret. However, now that he's been thrown off by her rejection, his way of dealing with it is to slip back into empty sarcasm.

Mr. Hale notices this change and is quite put off by it, even being relieved when he has to leave. He notes the change from the "lighter, clever, more worldly man" he saw earlier and at the wedding breakfast. It's interesting how a lot of people tend to use sarcasm to seem more clever and worldy, but Gaskell sees through this and contrasts them as opposites in this chapter! What a callout! She's so real for that.

At the last moment, Henry Lennox’s real self broke through the crust. “Margaret, don’t despise me; I have a heart, notwithstanding all this good-for-nothing way of talking. As a proof of it, I believe I love you more than ever—if I do not hate you—for the disdain with which you have listened to me during this last half-hour. Good-bye, Margaret—Margaret!”

First of all, describing the weird sarcasm thing he was doing as a "crust" is funny and interesting to me -- I didn't know that could mean "harsh" or "surly": the more you know! Secondly, love that he calls out his own coping mechanism while still having done it -- progress, I guess? And third -- best of all -- Henry, my guy, my dude, why on earth would you tell her you love her while also saying you might hate her because she hasn't been happy with you for the past 30 minutes???? I am truly baffled. Has this man ever wooed a woman in his life? For the sake of the female population, I truly hope not because if THIS is how he does it -- YIKES!!!! Luckily, he probably hasn't considering his whole "i'M a lAwYeR wHo dOeSnT hAvE bIg rOmAnCe fEeLiNgS" speech.

And that's the way the chapter ends, so I'll end with a couple of points I want to make clear.

I know I've been super hard on Henry and -- to be fair -- I think he's deserved some of it. But I don't think he's a bad person. So far, Gaskell has written all of her characters with a complexity and depth that shows you're supposed to root for these characters (more or less), while also understanding their flaws. There were times I pointed out when Margaret wasn't at her best either; while she isn't entitled to return Henry's feelings, she was sort of trivializing them and I wouldn't like that either. I think the problem with Henry is that he's used to getting what he wants and when he doesn't get it, he gets upset and lashes out the way he did with Margaret. I do honestly think he needs to work on himself and not think of romance right now because it sounds like he has deeper problems going on; if Margaret's rejection causes him to act like this, it's not just her rejection that's bothering him. I noticed that he talked about how he's currently struggling in his job and I think that can also account for him getting upset -- perhaps he had hoped for this to be a "good thing" to focus on instead of his work that isn't going well. I'm glad Margaret didn't return his feelings in that case because having one person the sole source of your happiness is never healthy and running away from your problems won't fix them! So yes, while I'm hard on him I do still think he has good moments and can be better: we're just seeing him at his worst. Still, that doesn't excuse his behavior, just explains it.

I also want to clarify for those who think I'm being too harsh on Henry and am doing so because I "don't understand what it's like to be rejected romantically". As a quick personal aside: I've been on his side of a romantic confession and was also rejected by someone who was my friend. And it hurt -- badly. Especially because there were many "signs" I read too much into as romantic (flirting, holding hands, etc.) so said rejection was not what I saw coming, much like Henry. However, when I realized that this person only saw me as a friend and wanted to keep it that way, I immediately told them "ok, I understand" and then took some time to myself to sort through my feelings. These were mainly embarrasment, shame, sorrow, and anger -- not at the person, but at myself for potentially ruining the friendship over this.

My main problem with Henry is that he reacts to Margaret's rejection with disappointment, anger, frustration, and hurt. These don't seem like the kind of emotions that come with an unselfish love, I hate to say it. I know there is likely more feelings bubbling beneath the surface, but if he's going to react that way and realizes he's hurting her in the process (which he does), he should ask for space while he sorts himself out. I get that wasn't "the thing" back then so I guess it's a bit harder for me to say "oh, Henry should've just left!" when no, he can't just abruptly leave like that and "oh, Henry should just work on his mental health" when that was very much not talked of. I'm just trying to think of ways he could've better handled this situation; he can't help his feelings, but he can help how he acts on those feelings. And it's not fair to Margaret to continually pressure her into a relationship she so obviously does not want. Additionally, the way he makes his confession/proposal frustrates me too because he mainly makes it about himself and his feelings. He wishes she wasn't happy at Helstone, he loves her, he's not a romantic person so it's a big deal for him. I mean, he doesn't even talk about her good qualities or what he likes about her: even Mr. "and what excellent boiled potatoes" Collins did that!!!!!

As a final note, if you're reading Dracula Daily at the same time as North and South Weekly, you may have noticed a few parallels between this failed proposal and Jack Seward's failed proposal. I want to dive into them and why I respect Seward's more than Lennox's, but I don't want to do it here because this post might be my longest to date and I'd rather make it a separate post anyway!

So yeah, another great chapter, excited to see what happens next week!

[land-of-holly]

Rings of Power Season 2 Episode 5 Liveblog

Ooh nice landscape shot over the Misty Mountains

The Seven!

Is all of King Durin's bling also gonna fall victim to the Ring's jealousy?

Narviiiiiiii

The King's just going mad with power, nothing to see here

He may have brought the light back, but it's still an OSHA violation

THE DOORS OF DURIN!

If this is all we get of the Celebrimbor/Narvi teamup I will be disappointed but LOOK ANNATAR!

Tyelpe is on to him!

Love the conflict over the rings for Men. This is the kind of development upon previous work I look for in an adaptation. It fits well into the previous themes.

Annatar had NO SENSE OF PERSONAL SPACE

Well obviously Annatar isn't just going to take no for an answer.

NO he's just going to make them himself?? Just disregard Celebrimbor entirely?

Ooh, here comes Pharazon's Elf envy

Damn this guy is hardcore, who says that to their own son?

I do see why people ship Miriel/Elendil, damn

Oh girl, you don't really believe not fighting back is the answer. I can see it. You wanna fight back so bad.

Mass resignation?

Oooh, nope

I love the father-daughter conflict! It's a role women don't get to play very often in this exact way

Political unrest in Numenor!

Just because Pharazon is anti-elf doesn't mean he's anti-power lol

Dead...fish?

Normally I'm against disparaging the wielding of a perfectly useful tool to attain valid goals as "cheating", but one, I can't contradict my wife Disa, and two, that ring is obviously super sus

New taxes??

An extended scene of ball chasing is a little silly but I am not immune to DISA LEGS

She has echolocation??

More dwarf extras!

Okay now King D's just getting nasty

I've made peace with Early Balrog. It's not like they have a 3rd age timeline to fuck up, after all

I guess not even a ring can separate a dwarf from his bling, it's still there

Forge is haunted.

Aw damn he nerdsniped Celebrimbor

Wonderful convo between Celebrimbor and Durin

So Mirdania did see Annatar's true form, and he admits it, but he convinced her not to tell an adult like a FUCKING CREEP

Oh THAT'S why everyone was talking about Annatar rizzing Mirdania up, JESUS

DON'T TOUCH HER

Damn, Kemen, you shouldn't have cultivated such a punchable face

And Valandil, unfortunately, shouldn't have let himself been named after a canon character's future canon kid

The dropping of 'Faithful' and 'King's Men' felt clunky to ME but it's possible I'm biased

Annatar once again proves to be made ENTIRELY out of red flags. Protip, kids: if someone is all "Well now we've been bad together, we have no choice but to never talk to anyone else about this or we'll be in trouble"--RUN

(Seriously)

Elf extras!

Oh no now he's just sinking more cost, trying to make things right. Poor Tyelpe.

Oh, right! What's Adar up to?

Oh the elf armies need help? Whoever could come to their aid?

Everyone wants Galadriel on their team!

Wow there was a bunch about this episode that I liked a lot. Annatar continued to be the absolute star of this show, the fucking creeper

[zmediaoutlet]

dean/crowley and sam/crowley

ahaha well --

dean/crowley

technically you don't have to 'ship' things that are canon. :)

that said: I mean, come onnnn. D/Crowley has mUch more canon basis than just about any other "okay, I guess they didn't technically show us kissing" ship in the show. I mean the fivesome alone! But also the obviously canonical pining from Crowley, the way Dean threatens a lot but you can't ever actually imagine him really going through with killing Crowley (because he's soft with guys who've fucked him <3), the way Crowley always Gets what's going on with Dean in a way deeper and more fucked up than anyone else -- even Sam -- even maybe Alastair. The spectator sees more of the game, as they say, and what's interesting about Crowley is that he would never, ever expect to be #1 -- but what he can get at as #2 might be just as useful.

what's also fun about D/Crowley is like -- while it's obviously a mistress ship to the side of the main canon event, it's very... free? Dean doesn't have to pretend to be anything other than what he is. Of course he does, because he wouldn't be Dean without a little gloss of pretense, but like -- Crowley knows him. Crowley knows his worst shitty parts. Crowley probably has a spreadsheet with how many souls Dean shredded in Hell and has polite comments arranged for every one, which he Will Not Say but they both know he could. Dean's guilt encompasses the whole planet but Crowley doesn't give a shit about that guilt, except how he can manipulate it to his own ends, and they both know that, and it's like... all the cards are on the table, you know? In that way it may be a little bit of self-harm for Dean, sure, but he's going into it with eyes wide open and knows exactly what he'll get out of it and it's. Well, 'free' is the only word I can think of. A little corrosive maybe but lots of things have been worse.

also the dude died for Dean, which we should always appreciate as the ultimate simp move. Dean's got a bodycount stacked much higher than Sam's dick. Why isn't the meme about Dean's murderous puss?

sam/crowley

would Crowley attempt to seduce Sam? Sure he would. Would he try to get him into a place where Sam might really consider saying yes to it? Of course. Would Sam actually say yes? lolno, not unless LITerally every other option (potentially including his own death) were wasted, because--

unlike the previous ship in this ask, Sam has self-respect. rip Crowley but Sam already learned his lesson with skanky demonsex and like. He's just not that sad. Plus there's zero zero zero interest or closeness from Sam -> Crowley, and Sam's a lot of things but I really don't think he's a 'self-punisher with sex', and he obviously just finds Crowley fucking irritating, lol. He's also never gonna kill Crowley because the network wouldn't let him, but where with Dean you can hear the shouted threat as very empty, with Sam you can hear that he would REALLY LIKE TO and keeps getting thwarted. Crowley might be useful but he's not Sam's friend, and---while I fully believe that Sam can have hatesex---Crowley doesn't feel like an option he'd ever choose. Not least because he knows Crowley would try to use it as a card against him, and he's smart enough to not let that happen.

As an interesting codicil to all this, I also sorta suspect that Crowley respects Sam more than he does Dean. He'd still use the opportunity if it were given, but where with Dean it's a fun way to needle him (we'll ignore his subsequent schmoopy pining, the dope), with Sam, it feels like Crowley would really just find it a disappointment. Like, he expects better. Adds a cool element to their dynamic.

[make-me-ur-aphrodite]

guess who finally finished chain of thorns over a week later 🤩 my completely unorganized thoughts for the general public anyways chain of thorns spoilers ahead bros

- ghostwriter is the relationship i love them more than i love my life it's just like the cute little moments between them like when lucie was nervous before her parabatai ceremony with cordelia and he was holding her and comforting her i melted

- i honestly think james and matthews relationship was dealt with really well we know nobody is ever gonna top jem and will but i think they were written really well and them in edom together was so emotional to me

- tell me why i was so heartbroken when christopher died but i only cried when grace sent that fire message and wrote that it was created by kit 🥺lol i'll tell you why it's because we got zero real reaction about it

i wanted anna's pov as her baby brother died in her arms

i wanted cecily and gabriel seeing their sons body taken into idris and realizing what happened

where was sophie and gideon who also lost a child comforting them?!?!?

honestly i think that since christopher did die there was a lot of potential there

-i hated the love triangle and felt awful for matthew the entire time cause like didn't we all know jordelia was endgame i meannnn

literally love jordelia tho and i we'll never not think of james saying "sod that" and shooting the door open like sir 🫣also them traveling is something that is so personal to me i am in love with the idea of james and cordelia going all around the world and then taking their kids with them 😍

-after this book i feel like grace is a lost kitten and i want literally nothing more than to adopt her also did anyone else catch at the end when they said that grace doesn't talk much idk but i would like to give her a home

-the thomastair content 🤩🤩🤩 i love them so much i love that they're moving in together i love alastair with his baby brother i love eugenia saying she's gonna renounce her family if they don't accept thomas when he came out. every scene with them was a masterpiece

also alastair's personality like my boy is sassy and sarcastic and i would die for him

-i think the anna and ari's storylines progressed really well and they've come so far since we've first met them 🥺

-anyways my #1 ship matthew x sobriety came true and i could not be more thrilled

the moral of my rant here was that i really loved it and i think it's just cause im so in love with each of the characters but i loved almost every second of this book and didn't want it to end my only complaint would be how christopher's death and other potentially emotional topics (will and tessa crying when they found out the kids were stuck in london) were kind of just glossed over but overall i was in love with them all and i don't think i can accurately describe my feelings so that was my jumbled mess of thoughts

also can we talk about the fairchild twins please

[henshin-9]

Look, I yell that I hate the BT and DZ fandom (and honestly the Jrock fandom in general) a lot. Not everyone tho, my friends are BT and DZ fans, they are the evidence to me that not everyone is trash. And I have spoken to some people online that... well the chats die or we don't really get along too well but they weren't bad people at all, not getting along isn't enough for me to scream they suck cause sometimes stuff just doesn't work and that's fine.

I wanna explain what I mean when I yell about the trash of the fandom. I won't be giving names (except one), but I will be giving reasons.

We have:

Clowns who go "minors DNI" but will send and request nudes when in contact with 17 year olds AND UNDER or write insanely sexual stuff around them. (17 is still a minor, pedos, and everything under that age is even fucking worse)

People who claim Atsushi was abusive towards his cats cause the cat pics are "clearly" just for attention... like bruh, there are quite some cat pics, sure, especially of Tsubaki... but do you even realize for how many years this man had cats? Compared to those years, there aren't many pics at all... that is like just a few pics per year, probably not even once a month. If he wanted to "exploit his cats for attention" he would have made a social media where he would show content of his cats daily doing the weirdest shit with them. Did he? No. He wasn't abusive.

Fuckers that claim Atsushi was a predator, especially towards young girls... uhhuh, look idk if you've seen this man before but if he would go after anyone it'd be your grandparents.

We have some hypocrite clowns who will indirectly call your work or art trash or will otherwise offend you and then yeet a "lol" behind it.

Clowns without a personality who just copy whoever the fuck they last spoke to, different person every week the fucking mysteryboxes of the fandom and sadly they often copy someone from the rest of this list.

People who want to share content but if the content is already online, will bully the other uploader to take it down (have heard too many stories about this, too many people had it happen to them but haven't seen it myself. Yet, Ive heard it more than once so I believe it)

Ableists... yeah people, autism and ADHD really do exist, other mental illnesses can also make people be a bit weird sometimes, some of us are really struggling with it... it's not fake news -_-

Stalkers.

Art thiefs.

Hypocrites (will complain about what someone else did and then do the exact same like it isn't an issue anymore suddenly)

And as much as I want to avoid names... if I have to explain this one we'll be here for a month so uh... if I say "Gekka Reijin" most people will understand what I mean cause holy FUCK get professional help...

Like I am also not a fan of gatekeepers, people who are insanely quickly offended even if you didnt mean to offend them and they won't forgive it no matter what (like bruh I say sorry and didn't even mean it the way you all see it but whatever I guess. Why did this happen several times I am literally trying to be careful about what I say and how I say it. Idk what to do anymore about this), people who will fight you over having a different opinion and people that just suddenly ignore you while you don't even know wtf happened (like wtf just tell me what your problem is cause idk what I did)... but they aren't necessarily bad people, I just don't work with them but they are NOT what I mean when I'm bitching about the fandom... even tho I don't like em. It's the disgusting fuckers that I yell about.

Anyway my DMs are open ONLY to people who do NOT identify with this goddamn list. If you are like any part of the list, please do not speak to me.

Minors can talk to me but not about NSFW topics.

P.S. I'm also not a fan of the VK war fighters. BT is VK or BT isn't VK. Toll said they aren't VK but if someone wants to believe BT is VK then whatever... no need to start a whole war about it. Also other Jrock related social wars like just let people be... like you can yell about it, sure, but omg don't scream at people specifically and call them names just cause you don't agree with em.

[scknight05]

20 Questions for fic writers

I was tagged by @racerchix21 and @tizniz (retroactively lol) quite a while ago but I'm just now getting around to doing this.. This is the first time in forever I've been on a device that hasn't been my phone or ipad.

Tagging: @warpedpuppeteer @heroofshield @neverevan @daffi-990 uuhhh... and I guess anyone else who either hasn't done this or wants to do this. No pressure to the tagged people either.. just didn't know who to tag.

1-How many works do you have on ao3?

Currently.. 2.. 😅😅 I had 3 and one point but I deleted one thing that in the end I didn't like. HOWEVER I currently have about 4 or 5 WiPs that I'm hoping to maybe start posting some more stuff soonish if life stops getting in the way.

2-What’s your total ao3 word count?

7,803

3-What fandoms do you write for?

Currently: 9-1-1 (during my ff.net days I've also done some Stargate stuff as well).

4-Top 5 fics by kudos?

1-SIMPLE MISUNDERSTANDINGS 2-All is Lost Again (But I'm Not Giving In). 3-5: TBD lol

5-Do you respond to comments?

I try if I don't forget

6-What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Haven't gotten around to one yet...

7-What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

It's probably gonna be one of my current WiPs lol

8-Do you get hate on your fics?

Haven't yet but I'm sure it'll happen with some of my ideas I've got planned.

9-Do you write smut?

Negative. Just don't think I can do it any kind of justice to be honest.

10-Craziest crossover?

Published or unpublished? 🤣 If we're going with PUBLISHED, then I had (guess it's still there) a Stargate Atlantis/Torchwood crossover over on ff.net. UNPUBLISHED.. well then we'll probably have to go with my Legends of Tomorrow/Power Rangers Dino Charge (It's a multiverse story that didn't feature the characters/crew in the show other than a mention here or there... that has now bled a bit into 911 territory as well) that may or may not ever see the light of day... Depends on my mood.

11-Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Don't think so. Nothing has probably ever been good enough to warrant theft haha

12-Have you ever had a fic translated?

No

13-Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Contributed some ideas but nothing more than that.

14-All time favorite ship?

Probably gonna get some hate here but... oh well.. -Chiley (Chase/Riley), Buddie (Buck/Eddie), Tevan (Buck/Tommy), Stackhouse/Markham (this was from Stargate Atlantis and let me tell you.. for two extremely minor characters, those two launched an impressive ship!! Hell they didn't even have first names!! And yes, I jumped in on that ship as well! Obviously since I'm mentioning it!)

15-What’s a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Probably the Stargate Atlantis/Torchwood one... Or my "Silver Saber" story (Power Rangers Lost Galaxy.. My mind does drift back to that idea every so often but I doubt I'll ever redo anything with it.)

16-What are your writing strengths?

Creating the general idea/premise probably.

17-What are your writing weaknesses?

Actually putting thoughts into words that sound good.

18-Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

If it works/fits then I'm all for it I guess but... thats about it.

19-First fandom you wrote in?

Power Rangers.. I've always been the creative kid and I was writing fanfic BEFORE I even knew that was a thing.. I was just "writing stories" at that point lol

20-Favorite fic you’ve written?

Don't have one yet.. I like some of my ideas but I don't really have a favorite story YET to be honest.

Not part of the questionnaire thing but I'm thinking about starting a side blog just for writing stuff, the kinda give updates and share ideas even if I'm not able to get any actual writing or posting done... haven't decided fully yet.

[remnantsofthepast-if]

Monthly Update - January 2024

​ Hello everyone once again! I hope you've had an amazing start to the year. Whether you celebrated it in a big way or with something much quieter, I hope there was no shortage of food! Now, that's definitely something Enid would say, hehe :D.

---

As for the project, after some unexpected complications, I finally published Chapter 8 a few weeks ago! In the end, it turned out longer than I had planned, but I'm getting used to that happening, hahaha! Now it's time to start writing Chapter 9, the last one of this first act! Initially, this chapter seems like it will flow much smoother than the previous one. I usually have a clear image of how each chapter will go and then create a brief summary. In this case, I've expanded the summary a bit more than I usually do, hoping it will help with the writing process. But of course, part of the beauty of creativity lies in the unexpected, both for the good and the bad, so we'll take it step by step each day.

Man, I can barely believe I've reached the end of Act 1. I'm very excited! For several reasons that I can't reveal yet, tempting as it may be, hahaha! I'll just say I have a surprise prepared that I hope you like :D. Besides that surprise, it will finally be time to implement all the changes I had in mind and fix certain things about the characters and the plot here and there, especially in Chapter 2, which I revisited a few days ago, and... let's just say, to all those who read and understood Rayco/Gara and Enid's explanation, congratulations, because I dumped a lot of unnecessary info there for no reason, lol! It's definitely something that needs fixing, and as I mentioned recently, all these changes and revisions will come out alongside Chapter 9.

Finally, there's something important I want to say about this story. Once Chapter 9 is published, a week later, this first act will be available to buy, and the playable demo will be reduced. I still don't know exactly when the demo will be cut, but I was thinking roughly halfway through the story. However, this has brought a small issue too, which is that I don't know how to export it for mobile. I've been experimenting with the Monaca platform, and it looks interesting, but there's something that doesn't quite convince me :/. I've also thought about switching from Twine to ChoiceScript, but it seems confusing and limiting in terms of customization, and no matter how comfortable it is that Hosted Games handles all distribution and such, it’s just a big no for me at first glance. The good thing would be that at least with ChoiceScript you can export your save files from one book to another, which is something you cannot do with Twine or Renpy. Well... you can, actually, but that involves a lot of programming and coding that I have no idea about and if something goes wrong I wouldn’t be able to solve the issues, so it’d be more of a disadvantage than anything else.

Going back to Renpy would be more viable and comfortable for exporting, as I could maintain a single itch.io page. With Twine, I would have to create one for each act to keep the demos separate, and I’m not sure how to feel about that, to be honest :/.

I don't know, I’m just rambling at this point. These are things I'll have to think about since I don't want it to be confusing when playing Remnants. Anyway, I'll do some tinkering and play around a bit with Renpy to see how it feels, and if I'm not convinced, I guess I'll stick with Twine and add an intro for the player to pick all the important choices from Act 1 before continuing with Act 2. I appreciate any suggestions if anyone has them, though :D.

---

Have a fantastic month and see you at the end of February ;)

By the way, I’m making a few gifts for all of you for February 14! Nothing huge, but a nice detail that I hope you like :D.

[flapjacksfursona02]

Ugh i looove your ramblings. like. this show barely gets any discussion besides how sPoOoOky it is and shit and it saddens me lol (i guess it doesn't help that the creepy aspects are the most memorable, oh well)

Anywayyy,, whatchu said about the abusive relationships/caricature stuff? *slams table* 100% canon no cap...

like, the whole point of the show (at least originally) was to showcase how dark and sinister everybody else is compared to Flapjack, who's just this bright young fella who just wants to be everybody's friend, while being oblivious to how fucked up everything is around him.

That boy really is the only good character in the whole series, and it makes me sad cause Bubbie is pretty much the only good role model present in his life 😭

Also, you could argue that K'nuckles has shown to be reedemable multiple times on the run, but,,,, he's still a selfish jerkass to Flapjack and everybody else for most of the time so it doesn't really matter 😭

At least we got this weirdly cute quote from the show's pitch bible in the Flapjack wiki ig... i love it sm lol:

"Although Candied Island is always at the fore-front of K'nuckles mind, we see that there may be something that he craves even more than candy; the adoration of Flapjack. Although K’nuckles claims not to have any tender feelings for Flapjack, his actions say otherwise. He needs Flapjack, because he’s the only person in the world who doesn’t see him as a worthless bum."

Goshh how i wish they had more moments with an actual good father/son bond... ok bye lulz

i could just go talking about it for hours.

k'nuckles is kind of the great example of how gruesome a person could become (and yeah, we'll look at him as a person and not a myth beast, he's still human according to the show's canon) in some circumstances. dude was literally raised without anyone by his side who had good intentions, at least from what i saw. mermen tried to drown him in a bag like some animal when he was a child, to listen to bednight stories he sat under the caged window holes of a stormalong prison and absorb all the things criminals told him when he didn't know any better. the way he lacks empathy at all in his life that he is able to kill a person without any thought nor hesitation and death threatening people is normal to him. also him easily falling to alcohol and drug addiction, that's... yeah. reaching rock bottom of society from time to time, until someone saves him. feeling comfortable sleeping in a trash bag, as if he was used to be thrown there by someone else while being uncosciosly blackout drunk. all the candy overdose deleriums. the way he is lying all the time, permanently, sometimes even if there might be a chance for both him and flapjack to get in trouble for hiding the truth. the way he can easily start to cry without a reason, or just lay on bubbie's tongue and not getting up for weeks 'until he rots'.

this is an insanely good written alcoholic/addict character. so good that it's way too depressing for some comedy-driven kids tv show. and i'm surprised that no one talks about it aloud, the gruesome angst that this show is about. i'm not sad about it tho, nor mad, it even feels more nicely when even the fandom and fanart are quite joyful, but sometimes you just sit and analyse the show or a character and you feel weirdly excited and horrified at the same time. flapjack is dark fiction art

[clonerightsagenda]

Continuing with Station 11!

Episode 2:

So whatever separated Kirsten and Jeevan happens by year 2.

Given that the original book's disability representation is a wheelchair user with PTSD who kills himself because he 'can't handle' the apocalypse I appreciate that the Symphony has a guy with limb differences who's doing just fine and fully accepted.

I was annoyed by the lack of subtitles when Jeevan and Frank are speaking Hindi, but later the show has subtitles for foreign languages, so it's deliberate to indicate Kirsten being excluded I suppose.

She walked over Lake Michigan?? Lake Michigan will Eat you

"You dated me and Jeremy" Is this a polycule breakup. Was she dating them both at the same time before two of them had a baby together

Ok so this is pre-cult St. Deborah, when the symphony leaves the pregnant couple behind, so maybe we'll get another timeskip? Or we're shuffling events around.

Yes, the very weird cobbled together costumes!

And new songs for the apocalypse, that's a nice touch

Odd intro for the museum. I don't recall them being separatist in the book. "Fuck the past" ma'am you are performing Shakespeare

Not sure how the guy who Kirsten stabbed fits into what I remember of the cult plot. Guess we'll see.

Episode 3:

Miranda stuck riding out the end of the world with an annoying white guy. She does not deserve this.

Ah ok Kirsten's tats are a station 11 thing. I think they were regular knives in the book so I wasn't sure how anyone else could know the design. This makes sense.

Girl you are going on public transit unmasked after hearing about a deadly flu pandemic??? I suppose masks weren't easily available everywhere pre 2020 but I thought they were more prevalent in East/Southeast Asia.

The toast and burning down the pool house were more dramatic, but you need visual drama for TV. Odd that they didn't have Jeevan as the paparazzi guy who corners her, since he did mention being a photojournalist in episode 1.

I recognized a couple of words of Chinese lol. Just 朋友 你好 though. Is peng you something you use with potential business partners? Duolingo would not get me through a pitch meeting. Interesting that everyone there decided to show up but I guess they're stuck on autopilot. Maybe an American having a mental breakdown monologue was a highlight. I like to think I would not go to work if I was about to die of a killer flu. I think I'd stay home, eat my favorite foods I have on hand, and reread a childhood book I nearly know by heart until I couldn't anymore. Also text my parents to leave a door open so the cat could get out. He's not gonna make it because he's terrified of everything but the guy's already been stuck in a home with one body, give him a fighting chance

I think the way they did Miranda's last day makes more sense for TV but I was kind of fond of how in the book she gets a headache, checks google, is like well fuck, and just makes it out on the beach to hang on long enough to see the sunrise.

[elizabethshaw]

thoughts on "echoes"!! under the cut bc of spoilers:

this boxset absolutely came out at one of the worst possible times for me (my busiest day of the week, at a time when i have 6 different exams, a presentation and also assessments for my home uni to prepare for), and i fear it may have regnited my 8das fixation somewhat which is. not something i have time for rn lmao. we'll see how it goes i guess! anyway personal stuff over now-

i definitely enjoyed it overall! i'm still not entirely sure where i'd rank it in comparison with the other post-stranded boxsets but it was a lot of fun, and it was (as expected) a joy to hear this tardis team together again :)

i will say however that i did have one major qualm with it, which is that i felt a bit let down with how little it followed through with the emotional plotlines set up in the preceding two sets. i got the feeling when listening to "what lies inside?" and "connections" that they were very much going somewhere with this team's (particularly helen's) emotional arc, and while i won't deny there were some nice scenes with them in this set, the fact that these threads were otherwise left to one side most of the time was a disappointment. there was potential to do some really interesting character work in continuation from the events of those previous episodes and it just. didn't happen. i don't want to sound too down about it because i did still really enjoy these stories, but i think this side of things was missing a little bit for me. hm.

anyway, episode-by-episode thoughts:

birdsong

i think this was my favourite of the set. i really love audio drama that leans into more horror-adjacent aspects (even though i'm not a massive horror fan otherwise tbh), and also love it when audio drama just gets kinda fucked up with it. this story hit on both counts for me :)

love that this continued the running trend from the previous boxsets of the episode starting with eight, liv and helen just getting to be silly for a bit before the Horrors inevitably happen :D

lowkey actually love the concept of barcodes as a written language! part of me wants to try and work out how that could work now

scots pine trees... it never rains... bracken... sand... they're literally in breckland lmao

saying that it does also have the Suffocating Quietness going on so i think i'm onto something here...

when the vortex previews for this set mentioned a family member of helen's first mentioned in doom coalition being relevant to this story, i wasn't expecting it to be the grandmother she mentioned in "ship in a bottle". however it was actually really nice to have helen's relationship with her developed further, and it was woven into the story well i thought

being Normal about the scene between liv and helen at the fireside. i am being so normal about it

"i'm not sure i could do this with anyone else, you know? everything from exploring strange new worlds... to talking about my family." i'm fine. i'm fine!!!

[putting on my clown shoes] this is how liv/helen can still be canon in some form before helen inevitably dies! :))

i love how vivid this story felt to me. i always end up getting visuals in my head as i listen with any audio drama but some stories end up, for storytelling or sound design reasons, or both, creating really clear and vivid pictures in my mind and this was definitely one of those

i hope to god that when i visit home over the summer and listen to these with my mum (who loves these audios but refuses to listen to them without me, which is kind of sweet of her), my dad is not in the same room. i love him but he absolutely would be asking me to pause it every few minutes so he could identify the bird calls and then also getting really frustrated when i inevitably end up being unable to guess any of them correctly myself lol. the pains of being related to an ornithologist

big fan of the way things got increasingly more disturbing towards the end. i do think the eight-liv-helen era has been lacking in terms of properly creepy stories (this is just my personal taste tbf), so it was cool having them properly lean into that for once. i have to say though the mental image of the scout's body with all the roots forcing their way into her eyes is not going to be leaving me for a long time

also thought the sound design was really well done on this one!! you could really feel the discomfort of the silence i think

got slightly choked up at helen and liv singing to bex as she died. i might have just been in a weird mood while i was listening to it but. yeah. it did something to me

anyway had a lot of fun with this episode! it had a lot of elements that appealed to me personally, and the character work it did was nice. i look forward to listening to it again one day :)

lost hearts

m.r. james episode!! i've only ever read two of his stories (both of which are products of me knowing this episode was coming haha), but was quite excited for this one regardless because a) ghost stories! and b) he's actually got connections to a village in the area i grew up in, and as i've never actually seen/heard any stories set where i come from in my life, it was neat to have a story in my favourite show, featuring some of my favourite characters, star someone more or less from where i'm from :')

have to say though i am disappointed to have lost the unofficial "will they namedrop great livermere" bet i had going on with my mum and brother. it's such a middle-of-nowhere village (it's not on the way to anywhere, has 3 streets (one of which is named "the street" and another of which is actually a dirt track), and you invariably see more chickens there than actual people), it would have been deeply amusing to me for it to have canonically existed in the dwu

loved all the direct (and indirect) callbacks to "the red lady" in this story! it felt fitting seeing as on some levels they do share certain elements in terms of plot/setting, and was also just fun for me as that is one of my favourite stories :)

was also a big fan of how active the story felt (not sure if that's quite the right word?) - each of the characters had a clear role to play and all the main cast got something to do, it never felt hugely like any of them were being sidelined, which does happen on occasion with 3+ person tardis teams

if helen had punched someone at some point in this story i honestly wouldn't have blamed her

"he's like the museum of cairo, stuffed inside a... well, a-" "a rude, ungracious little twerp?" oh my god askdfjdsfjkds

(let her swear!!!)

i like how the story was riffing off some of the plot/vibes of m.r. james' actual short story "lost hearts" (helpfully one of the two i've read)! it gave it that nice kind of connection, without feeling overly derivative and like it was straight-out copying it

my only main issue with this episode was that robert felt kinda underdeveloped. they started off well in his opening scene with liv, but i don't think we got enough of a chance to get to know him as a person after that point and i think the story suffered for it a little. i don't think it helped either that he's not a family member helen had ever mentioned prior to this episode, so they were essentially having to start from scratch and with everything else going on in the narrative, didn't quite find the time to give him sufficient detail

loved the emotional moments that were brought out when helen got erased... "helen, she's my- she's everything i have left" ough

and the salzburg parallels?? liv attempting to fly the tardis in a desperate attempt to rescue her friends, much like helen did? this is so... it's a lot

i won't lie, it did feel a bit odd to me that they would go to such lengths to avoid actually naming the uni in this episode as cambridge. i suppose it may have been to avoid spoiling the "it's m.r. james!!!" reveal at the end, but given that i think anyone who would have guessed it was him from the setting being cambridge probably would have guessed it anyway beforehand either from the episode blurb or the fact that the episode literally starts with him reciting one of his most famous short stories, it feels a little pointless. i mean i clocked it as an m.r. james episode when the set was announced and i had never read any of his work at that point lmao. not a glaring issue or anything, but felt like a weird choice

anyway loved helen getting to geek out a bit at the end... i love her :')

i think i'm going to have to relisten to this at some point so i can fully get my head around it but i did enjoy it!

slow beasts

this was a solid ep. not my favourite story this tardis team has ever had, but i did absolutely enjoy listening to it, and thought there were a lot of really good ideas in it!

the colonialism plotline especially worked really well for me, it felt pertinent in just the right sort of way. it's not necessarily something new for dr who, but i think it was definitely a good example of how to do it well.

i think "simple, but effective" is the way i'd sum this one up tbh. not exceptional, but it knew what it was setting out to do, did it, and did it well, and i think that worked. it did admittedly feel a bit strange after two more complex/experimental sort of stories, but i don't think that's any reflection on its actual quality

"here is the psychic paper. be confident. it only works if you're confident." "but... i- i'm not confident?" me if i got asked to use the psychic paper tbh

enjoyed the use of the translation circuit in this one :) i have a lot of thoughts on it as a general thing so i always like seeing the ways it gets utilized in different stories

so! had fun with these! a couple of things that maybe could have gone better, but overall a set of three stories i had good fun with and i suspect will enjoy listening to again. fingers crossed the december boxset is with these guys again and they do a bit more with helen's emotional plotlines next time :)

[mariusperkins]

wait ok staying on the topic of scenes with the russell children that make me go ??? . you know that scene when larry told marian he wanted to pursue architecture. and hes like "nooooo my dad would be soooo mean about it :(((" why does he say "mother, me, gladys, we must all keep to the steps he has laid down" literally what is bro waffling about. patently NOT TRUE. like why are you bringing bertha and gladys into this. this is literally an ep after bertha's "oh alright you know i'm helpless when you all gang up against me" like. larry you KNOW that if anyone is controlling your sister its your mom. and you ALSO KNOW VERY WELL UR DAD DOES NOOOOT CONTROL YOU MOM. sorry. that line to marian just makes me laugh every single time i think about it. bro is straight up yapping. no thoughts. is what he's saying true? no <3

Yes!! Like, larry, where did you get that opinion lol. I mean I guess george does seem pretty set that Of Course Larry Will Follow In My Footsteps (and, sort of, sneakily gets him to keep doing that with the brooklyn bridge (bertha style manipulation imo, absolute bertha tactics to be like what :) just go down there :) it's not at all to make you feel like an extension of me :)), but other than that it's pretty obvious that the russell household is either a george and bertha mutually agree or It's Bertha's Choice

OR IS IT OBVIOUS??!!

because they want something, they go to the other parent - gladys more so (which makes sense, bertha's definitely more wary and Watchful over gladys than george is over larry, plus like Society And Gender In The 1880s), and larry definitely has the vibe of a guy who's like 'well I'll ask my mum because then she can advocate to my dad' and he's definitely more willing to push things with bertha than he is with george, and we see multiple scenes of gladys going to george to try to convince bertha of something - they both definitely think that she has sway in their household, but they both think that george has final say (which, I guess we'll see how that goes in S3 😬)

I mean I was thinking about this during my like, third rewatch (lol @ myself), and it's like obviously larry and gladys are seeing more of george and bertha in a less formal/Taking Over New York Mode than anyone else, but they still have such a different view than we see them and it's because it's like, only the viewer is seeing those moments. Larry and Gladys aren't seeing them, like, talk about George's business (other than in a 'oh your father had some Business Success' dinner party convo way), they don't see their mother upset (cold fury doesn't count lol), they don't see george saying stuff like "it's important to you so it's important to me", they just see like, their mother Doing Stuff and their dad being like 'whatever, we have the money' about it (like obviously this is an oversimplification, but you get it). And I mean, I think that also explains why gladys is like 'why can't you control your wife/the bit where she says bertha doesn't know what love is', because they're picking up on the vibe of georgebertha (ie mutual respect for your spouse and support of their interest) without actually knowing that's what it is. It's just the background radiation of their lives where everyone else's background radiation is like 'mr astor can't stand his wife so much to the degree that he lives on a boat' or 'the mcallisters basically live in different cities from one another' or whatever it is the fanes have going on

[livwritesstuff]

thanks for the tag @cheeky-undead <3 <3

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

55 (according to AO3)

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

435,923 good lord

3. What fandoms do you write for?

used to write for legends of tomorrow (rip) and now it's literally just steddie (and ronance when the inspiration strikes)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

if we're only talking stranger things (bc tbh i don't really wanna talk LoT lol):

i want your guy (to know)

swing, sucker, swing

plant a seed (we'll watch it grow)

honeydew (you love me, well)

don't look back, love (there's a million people)

5. Do you respond to comments?

yep i try my best to reply to all of them

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i'm not really one for angst tbh (writing it, anyway, i LOVE reading it). Angstiest overall is probably Covered in the Colors (LoT soulmate au w/an unhappy ending). For ST it's probably hold on (hold you)

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

tbh most of my series The Satellite and the Sky has happy endings, but I guess that depends on your definition of "happy". plant a seed (we’ll watch it grow) is probably the happiest ending overall.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

not very often these days -- i don't think it's ever happened during my time writing for the ST fandom bc i think there's been a shift in awareness that leaving hate comments on fic is generally really shitty and that individuals are ultimately responsible for curating their online experience

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I personally am not a smut writer. idk why but i always run into weird blockers whenever i try

10. Do you write crossovers?

not at the moment

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think so -- come to think of it, I should probably being checking in on that every now and then

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

not that i'm aware of

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

nope - not opposed to it except that I move at a glacial pace when it comes to writing and I don't want to put that burden on anyone else lol

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

ooh fav of all time? idk i’m not really a multi-shipper to be honest. i usually get really into one ship for a while until my interest runs dry. longest running would probably be captain canary from legends of tomorrow, but i see myself ranting about all the ronance missed opportunities for a Long Time

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?

i have bits and pieces of a hadestown au for steddie that i sincerely doubt will ever see the light of day bc I'm so genuinely intimidated by it. that musical is so so good and I couldn't write anything that came even close

16. What are your writing strengths?

i think i’m pretty good at making things feel real. i’m a planner and a bit of an over-thinker so i really like the small details. i also tend to lean on writing what i know which i think helps

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I have a hard time sticking to just one tense lol i don’t know what that's about.

i’m also a pretty literal thinker so tapping into metaphors and abstract ideas is still a challenge for me.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

there are stronger soldiers than me out there who can do this. generally speaking, i like to write what i know. english is the only language i have total fluency in so if i wanted to write dialogue in another language, i'd have to rely on google translate which is obviously not accurate at all (not for conversational dialogue anyway), and I think some realism slips there

19. First fandom you wrote for?

not sure if it counts, but i used to write little self-insert harry potter stories when i was in elementary school before i even knew that fic was a thing. i think my first published fic would have been for glee (again, rip)

20. Favorite fic you've written?

tbh I think just like honey (you make me melt) is my fav. I had never written Eddie's POV up to that point and I was really nervous going into it, but something about writing from his perspective made it easier for me to face some of my writing challenges

i also had SO much fun writing my tommy pov i want your guy (to know)