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popculturebuffet · 3 years ago

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Road Rovers Review 4-Pack (Let’s Hit the Road, Where Rovers Dare, The Dog Who Knew Too Much, A Day in the Life) (Comissioned For WeirdKev27)

Time to hit the road you happy rovers! I’m Jake, I review media in longform reviews, and today i’m taking a look at a forgotten show by Tom Ruegger of Animaniacas and Tiny Toons fame

Yeah for those unaware, last year I reviewed an episode of Hysteria!.. which is fair that wasn’t one of my more seen reviews, but point is it is VERY weird this happened twice. IT’s also a bit of an oddball as while Ruegger isn’t any stranger to superhero shows, hell Freakazoid, Road Rovers is a hybrid of his usual Zany Style with a serious early 90′s action show.

Before we find out how well or didn’t well that work the reason for this review it’s a comissoin for Kev again, long time supporter of the blog and the guy who pays me to write nonsense the most. IN this case i’ts a special birthday gift for his buddy StrikerSA. Never met the guy but this is his faviorite show, so Kev’s having me cover his three faviorite episodes, as well as the pilot as buying three 5 buck reviews gets you one free. Same iwth movies. Hit up my ask box if you want to comission something yourself and hit the road with me under the cut rovers!

Road Rovers as a Whole:

Before we can get into the chewy bones of Road Rovers, for the uninited here’s what it’s about, some of this gleaned from the Pilot episode we’ll get to in a moment. Back in the 90′s while a certain horse was in a very famous tv show, Dr. Shepard, a brilliant scientest created a process that could make dogs into furries. Wanting to harness this power for his own evil ends, the evil General Parvo played by my boy Jim Cummings, kidnapped Shepard’s dog and promised to let him go in exchange for his invention.. then promplty tried to blow Sheppard up.

Naturally this being a superhero show and having not left a body, Sheppard instead lied in wait and sometime later emerges as The Master

Not that Master. No he’s instad a Jor-El looking guy who gathers 5 dogs with attitude to form the road rovers.. who can turn back to regular dogs because that’s how genetics works I guess. They are Hunter, your standard quippy leader time, Colieen, my faviorite an aussie who lives in britan for some reason and can judo flip your ass any day of the week, Blitz, an idoitic and vein german shepard whose speciality is “biting tushy”

Exile, a Siberian Husky with cold beam eyes for some reason and a jovial demanor, Shag, a cowardly sheepdog with hammerspace hair and Muzzle, a dog in a straight jacket and mask who happens to be Shepards dog Scout, experimented on by parvo and who hangs back most of the time due to being a bit too aggro for missions. Togehter they fight against Parvo and ocasoinally other threats (though Parvo is involved in 3/4 of these episodes so hey) and make clever quips and now you know the plot.

Road Rovers is a weird beast in that it has the comedy and self aware tone Ruegger always goes for.. but the plots the rovers are dealing with are usually played seriously. So you have Animaniacs style gags in the middle of GI Joe style plots that are played to the hilt and pretty standard stuff, and sometimes a weird hybrid like the heads of two warring countries being modeled after Michael Eisner and Jeffery Katzenberg.

This leads to the series weak spot: large chunks of episode that are played dead serious despite clashing with the shows quippy, cheesy tone. We have Shepard being seemingly blown up in the first ep, possible war between two countries in the second covered today, what LOOKED like a full on murder (it wasn’t but still) and a serious pet smuggling ring, and Hunter reconecting with his mom. THe last part DOES work really well mind you but you get my point.

That said most of the time the series works as it blends wonderfully animated action with some decent jokes. Some don’t land, and i’ts more noticable than say animaniacs due to the jokes being more spread out, but enough do that it dosen’t harm the show.

The characters are also decently chamring with only Blitz getting on my nerves, as his shticks (Being vain, being cowardly, biting a man on the ass and hitting on colieen while she finds some way to fuck with him and not in the fun way) don’t really land for me. The rest are fine and really that sums up the series for me from what i’ve seen: it’s fine. There were better action cartoons at the time and better comedy superhero shows like the Tick and Freakazoid, but besides the furry aspects (Which as one myself, if not a fursuit wearing one, I get), I can see the appeal. Not my forte but it might’ve got better with time had it gotten another season and this feels like it’d be good for a reboot. Now onto the episodes themselves.

Let’s Hit the Road:

The pilot is a decent introduction as we see Parvo get the ray, find out he dosen’t have a stable version so his “cano mutates” only last so long, explaning why he hasn’t conquered the world, see our heroes origins and them getting homes with world leaders, simple introductory stuff. It dosen’t explain why Parvo looks like the love child of Doctor Robotnik and Hulk Hogan but hey it was only the pilot, i’m sure they did eventually.

It’s issue is more that the tonal clash is strongest here. The first quarter or so is played purely for drama nad then gets into the wacky stuff with the rovers. And look having wacky stuff happen with deadpan can work, the Naked Gun movies are the prime example of this, but this isn’t what the series is doing and thus it gives me mood whiplash at times. It works better in the action scenes where it creates a nice contrast but even that’s muted a bit as modern cartoons have simply been better at ballancing that. And even for the time the Tick premiered two years before this and while it’s DEFINTELY a comedy at it’s core, it has both far more clever scenarios and just as tight action when it wants to. As I said Road Rovers isn’t BAD it just hasn’t aged as well as Ruegger’s other works, who have their own clearly 90′s wrinkles look great.

This episdoe is fun though. I do like a good train battle and this has it, and it sets things up well. And I will fully admit the ending twist is great. While it’s TRANSPARENTLY obvious the master is the good professor, to the point i’m utterly baffled Tv Tropes spoiler tags it as even a 2 year old would think “oh yeah that’s the same guy” and it’d only be worth it if it WASN’T him after all, having Muzzle turn out to be his dog was great. It also does give me my faviorite scene of the pilot: when Hunter is called, he and Muzzle are being lead int oa gas chamber and hunter runs off.

I told you there was tonal whiplash.. though to be fair I didn’t telll you there was ALMOST DOG KILLING TONAL WHIPLASH. But Hunter going back to rescue him despite the master telling him to just come on shows his character, that even before gaining enhanced intellegence he has loyalty (ironically the reason why parvo wants to make dog soliders), and a true heart.. and clearly the master was testing him KNOWING he’d save his good boy and if he didn’t... he wasn’t worthy of leading.

Where Rovers Dare: This one was way more fun. The tonal whiplash is toned down a bit, though as I said the joke of “two ambasadors from warring countries who stand in for Micheal Eisner and Jeffery Katzenberg” fighting... wasn’t that funny. And I know the context: Katzenberg left disney in a huff because they refused to promote him, Eisner was threatned by his old friend, and thus Dreamworks was born purely out of spite. I suspect that’s also why Boss Baby 2 was made but point is, I get what their refrencing.. it’s just not funny. It’s an INTRESTING feud sure, i’d love to see a tv show made about it. As I leanred on Defunctland Eisner opened up an ENTIRE FRANCHISE OF DISNEY ARCADES just to spite Katzenberg getting into the game industry. Yes really. But the joke here is just “get it these fueding guys are also fueding countries”. It’s the weakest kind of pop culture joke the kind where someone just throws out some happening with a celebrity goes

And sets it and forgets it.

The rest of the ep though is excellent. The premise is simple: the two warring nations mentioned are fueding again because a holy scepter built from the remains of an ancient bridge that once united them was stolen. Naturally this is a false flag mission form a nearbye third country that wants both to fight and to conquer both in the aftermath while their weak. So our heroes go in to steal the scepter back. It’s mostly one long , tense bit of actions as our heroes are forced to hide, and for once aren’t in control and instead are outgunned, outplanned, outnumbered and out manned and the tension is nicely ballanced by the jokes. The way our heroes escape is also awesome as they help an injured wolf.. who gladly summons the REST OF THE PACK, so our villians are beaten by being SURROUNDED by this giant, fearsome looking pack of wolves.. and hilariously a bunch of the wolves showing up in the escape helicopter. Overall a fun bit of action with a decent enough premise, and that finds a cleer way to use the fact our heroes are dogs for the climax of the episode.

The Dog Who Knew Too Much: Another fun romp this time with a bunch of intresting parts to it: It starts with the affromentioned TELEGRAPHED ALMOST MURDER, as a dog is relased from captivity by his owner only for the owner to apparently be murdered while he runs, with the guy behind the ring who apparently killed her sending his goons after him as the remanining witness> As for how the dog CAN be a witness, it’s only a problem thanks to the existance of the rovers. After all if ONE dog can be made into a furry, any dog can.

And.. that’s exactly where they go with it. The dog is made into a temporary rover, likely why this is a faviorite as it’s the only time I know of the process was used on any other dog. The result is Sport becomes the seventh rover, and has to be escorted to miami. the comedy also works better as while initially it is dead serious, Sport not only being comically shorter than the crew but also chatty and out of place is fun, as is him asking for in flight service.. and getting it from shag who keeps snacks and drinks in his coat of course.

There’s also a nice twist as it turns out Sport sold them out to Parvo... and like any deal with a villian Parvo plans to kil lhim anyway. And while the rest of the rovers are fine with letting him screw, Hunter points out the obvious: they would’ve done the same for their masters and thus they save him, the dog turns state’s witness, and then back into a dog. Overall a fun romp in miami and a pretty decent ep with a VERY good hook.

A Day In The Life: The best of the batch is also sadly the last. This one is helped by a unique format, following the rovers form breakfast, as apparently the world leadres thing was abandoned pretty quickly, to bed time from 7am to 11pm. WE get a LOT of good gags in this one, from shag holding up the bathroom drinking out of the toilet, to the fact there’s only one bathroom in their massive hq, to the rovers rolling on the grass, and the sheer wonderful lunacy of them taking their supersonic jet through a drivethrough. Ther’es also a weird runner about Blitz wanting a peppermint milkshake.. despite the fact those are delicous everyone acts in disgust till they actually try it.

But overall this one just has better pacing, fully leaning into the comedy, while also bringing in some good far less tonally whiplashed character stuff. As I mentioned Hunter visits his mom, and while ther’es a trite bit of everyone assuming it’s a new girlfriend and he’s dumping Collieen, the rest of it REALLY works: Exile going out of his way to get hunter there to have his friend and leader MAKE time for the people he cares about, Hutner’s geninely nervousness about seeing her like this. The actual interaction is also great as at first his mom is naturally werided out by this strange dog man but once she smells him remembers it’s her boy and it’s geninely heartwarming, with Hunter promising to visit but going to rescue the others.. because of course he had to. She even barks out that’s’ my boy.. with helpful subtitles. If a dog was able to bark out that’s my boy i’d be horrified. And I love doggos.

So yeah this one was far and away the best and I wish it HAD gotten another season. As it stands though this show is fine. Not my faviorite thing obviously, but I can see WHY it has a following and with all the reboots hollywood is doing.. they shoudl consider giving these dogs another day. And also reconsider canceling the boondocks reboot.. that’s not really related but my god has it been bugging me. Thanks for reading.

#road rovers #tom ruegger #dogs #kids wb #jim cummings #wb #warner brothers #animation #reviews #doggos

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whoree321 · 3 years ago

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the bad batch + unhinged episodes of law and order svu

Hunter: Granting Immunity (season 16 ep 19)

episode begins with rich prep school teens having a blowjob party while Good Girls Go Bad plays, leads to the squad uncovering an anti-vaxxer conspiracy among the mothers at the prep school. benson and barba prosecute the ring leader mom (trudy) for reckless endangerment after benson’s son noah gets the measles bc of trudy’s dirty child

this one gives hunter bc it’s very “perhaps i only care about this crime bc of my child, perhaps not” which really is one of his main personality traits

he def has the same aggressive maternal energy as miss olivia benson and that’s really showcased here

also i think hunter would enjoy the song Good Girls Go Bad like he would respect the flavor of tasteful misogyny

Crosshair: The Undiscovered Country (season 19 ep 13)

in this one barba succumbs to his deep rooted daddy issues and unplugs a baby on life support (i don’t remember the baby’s exact diagnosis but it was basically like dead as a doornail and only in excruciating pain and one parent wanted it alive and the other wanted to pull the plug). he gets tried for murder and is acquitted but still resigns as an ADA to take some time to unpack his trauma

crosshair would definitely kill a baby and somehow convince us it was the morally correct thing to do

barba and crosshair are also very sexy in a very similar way (arrogant bastard who masks his early life trauma and deep insecurities with cockiness and snark)

seriously tho i really think crosshair would kill a baby and not a brain dead one

like i’m sure the baby would deserve it but crosshair would take its life without hesitation

Tech: Zebras (season 10 ep 22)

basically this really irritating loud mouth lab tech named stucky makes a super boneheaded clerical error that gets an entire case against a murderer thrown out. he absolutely loses his fucking mind and stages several other murders to frame on the dude bc he can’t cope with his failure and then he kills the other lab tech and tries to kill stabler when they discover evidence linking him to the murders

i feel tech in this episode bc i think one day he will go off the rails like this

like chatty geek who everyone is annoyed by gets pushed over the edge by his mean coworkers and commits several heinous murders that are almost perfectly framed on someone else?

mary that’s what filoni is actually gearing up to for season 2. the devolution of tech after years of psychological warfare.

the only difference is that when tech finally becomes a serial killer he will never be caught

Wrecker: Wildlife (season 10 ep 7)

a woman is mauled by a tiger, the detectives discover an animal smuggling ring run by the Russian mob. stabler goes undercover and the mob guns him down in the street when they figure out he’s a big fat faker. at one point a rapper is eaten by hyenas and they eventually catch the mob in the act when they smuggle a monkey inside of a basketball

i think that wrecker really likes animals and he would enjoy both seeing exotic animals and also brutalizing people that hurt them

just like elliot stabler, wrecker would be a dreadful undercover agent and would likely get whacked instantly by any sort of organized crime syndicate

the absurdity of a whole entire gibbon monkey inside of a basketball is something he would be greatly amused by

i also think that wrecker could beat 1 (one) wild cat in hand to hand combat and i would love to bear witness (edit: i forgot about that one time when wrecker WWE smackdowned muchi the rancor so i will amend this statement and say he could beat 2 (two) wild cats in hand to hand combat)

Echo: Bang (season 12 ep 22)

baby is found in a dumpster, they figure out it’s the adopted baby of a girlboss named dede. she is dating john stamos, who we know is not playing a good character bc he has untrustworthy sideburns. she gets pregnant and he’s super gross about it like way too happy, they come to find out that he’s a sicko who loves to impregnate women and he’s fathered like literally 47 kids. at the end the domestic violence counselor the squad worked with murders john with a scuba diving knife that has a ton of pressurized CO2 in it and makes him explode

i feel that echo has a long-standing feud with john stamos and this episode would validate him

he would appreciate the theatricality of a pressurized exploding knife as well as the scene when like 20 of the mothers confront him at the precinct and are like “you’re a fucking terrible deadbeat father please choke”

there’s a lot of strong female energy in this episode and i can tell echo respects women who murder

overall he would really enjoy the unionization of single mothers to defeat his one true nemesis (johnathan stamos)

Omega: Gone Baby Gone (season 19 ep 9)

basically brooke shields kidnaps benson’s adopted son noah bc he’s her biological grandson and there’s like a whole manhunt for them. liv goes through some of the most crippling anxiety and despair of her life and then they find noah and he’s literally just like “that was a great trip we saw a deer and ate mcdonald’s i can’t wait to do it again sometime!”

omega gets kidnapped literally all the time bc just like noah porter-benson, she’s a little cutie

she also sometimes exhibits a very similar “teehee oops” energy in the face of extreme peril

i think if brooke shields could get her grubby paws on her she would snatch omega right up and sell her to the highest bidder

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thesilkentheater · 2 years ago

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little lost bird

The scorpion in the desert is always lonely.

Its family will, in eventuality, abandon it. This is out of efficiency, and not hate; no, she has always known her family to be present if she were in need of extra food or if an intruder were to come traipsing onto her grounds, but aside they are never around. But aside? Alone.

It has no friends, because its tail is very sharp and its claws very deadly. Its arsenal must always be up to par, with poison-tipped needles rivaling bullets and cloaks made sturdy by enchantments and crushed scorpion shed. Because of its fangs, it speaks with a strange lilt and accent from nowhere- or perhaps that's just her.

It's been so long seeing another scorpion she's forgotten that part.

It has no comrades in arms because a scorpion must always fight for its territory on its lonesome. Its home is built under the sand, its battles fought by itself alone and armory kept under lock and key. Metaphorical, usually, because keeping all those weapons in one place instead of strewn about the house would leave them open to attack, but, well, it's the thought that counts.

Unless, of course, there's an exception. And there's always some exception or another- say, an entire army of a nation shows up and declares war, thus being more organized and numerous than a group of bandits or a random aggressive usurper, would merit help from family relative to the land they are looking to take.

Or, in this case, a scorpion might be harboring another person in their house.

It all happened very strangely. Firstly, a smuggler's caravan, whose passage she usually facilitates with ease given their intent. For many a desert city has its strange taxes and the like, and so those smugglers whose intents are initially laid in good places, if eventually turning to greed, she lets pass, thinking it no harm if people indulge in tobacco or hookah to their heart's content. Weapons, too, are something she treats dearly, and she lets those pass, too.

It is the smuggling of animals and people she will not stand for. Thus is well known by the usual rings near her, and thus they do not bring them, but many a scorpion have been known to allow it for a fee. She supposes this group must have thought her the same as her other kin, and thought they could walk past her without a hitch. Just a couple of jewels, the desert kind love those.

Oh how they were wrong.

They didn't even try to hide it. Seven women all in a cage, none from this place- pale skinned, and frail, too. Most held the signs of abuse on their bodies, bruises in the most heinous of places and barely held together rags telling the story for them. A few colorful animals were captive, too, though they seemed decently well treated for prisoners. Likely sold off as pets, then.

No matter. The moment she walked up to the leader of the caravan she knew their fates, all of them. And they, the silly fools, offered her emeralds.

"Green is a hideous color on me," she responded, tossing poison darts into their necks.

The battle, she recalls, was quite fun. The men were stupefied by her tricks, as though they had never actually had to battle a scorpion before- a reasonable assumption considering they were alive. Each and every one would jab or slash where she had been moments before, but they'd get a knife to the neck or a stinger in the stomach or, just for one particularly arrogant, hefty man, an axe of their own cleaving their head in twain.

But it didn't matter much, in the grand scheme of things. She is a scorpion, and they were men. They did not have a chance to begin with. It is what came next that mattered.

She freed the women, of course, along with the animals, who clung to their human counterparts in fear of the strange desert sands. "The city is not far, and they will know what has been done to you," she said, in her strange voice. One of the women, presumably the only one that knew the language of the desert sands, asked, "In the direction they were going, yes?"

"Yes. Perhaps a night's travel and you will be there. Worry not for your safety- nothing will attack you on the way. And feel free to take from them- I want nothing that you might need." She gestured to the corpses, letting the women slowly come out of the cage. One, however, did not.

Naturally, she went into the cage and crouched down. "Hello? Are you alright?"

"I...ah...I don't think I can make it."

"It is not far. Just a night."

The girl shook her head. "It's not that."

It is only now that the scorpion took the time to look over the very girl she had saved. Some foreign bird, certainly- there were feathers all over her body, most colored brown, but with strange specks of an emerald green. Certainly foreign, as the few birds that populate the desert have much less variation in color and pattern. The rags they dressed her in barely covered her pawed-at chest and abused thighs, not to mention her stomach that was a painted constellation of blue and purple. Certainly worse for wear, to say the least.

"What is it? If you wish me to come with, I can, though I would prefer to keep on lookout for other threats."

"Too much. I don't think I can," is the last thing the poor bird said before passing out.

Now, were they just a tiny bit closer to civilization, she might have come with the other birds and insisted on bringing her there. Were this even a less blisteringly hot day, she might have considered it. But the sun beat down harshly on a bird who was certainly accustomed to colder climates, and there was little doubt that even when they got there it would be burning to creatures who had not been built to survive the desert.

But scorpions build their homes underneath the sand, where it is nice and cool all year round. It is usually a bit damp, too, and the desert is very dry; she was unsure where this particular bird came from, but it cannot be more dry than here.

"I will take care of her," came her final decision, scooping up the poor thing in her arms. "Worry not. I will bring her myself when she is well enough to travel the distance."

"Thank you," said the speaking one of the group, carefully taking inventory of what they had been scavenging off the dead men's corpses. "She has gone through a lot. Please be kind."

"I will," said the scorpion, and then she was off to home.

It had been strange, at first. The poor bird hadn't awoken even after she replaced her clothing- something nice but thin, to make sure she didn't overheat again- and put a cold towel on her forehead. Without any recourse, the scorpion made lunch, and only as the food was nearly finished did she hear a noise from her bedroom.

"Little bird?"

"...Where...am I?"

"This is my home," said the scorpion, gesturing to the room around her. "I did not think you would make it to town without dying of heatstroke, so I brought you here."

The bird nodded, but she was so very shaky. And scared, too, even of her savior; she had both seen the compassion in setting them free and the stinger that could pierce a man's guts in a half a second. Yet she was not running, nor screaming, nor begging to leave immediately, so that was a good sign.

"Do you eat meat?"

"Yes."

"Very good. Would you like lunch, then? I have made extra."

"If you don't mind."

"Certainly. You cannot recover on an empty stomach."

She nearly missed it, but the poor bird mouthed the word "recover" to herself and curled up on the bed while she fetched two bowls and spoons. Thankfully, she's always been quite lazy about the dishes, and so she kept multiple in the house in case she really didn't feel like cleaning out whatever she used yesterday.

"Here you are," she said, handing the poor thing a bowl of the stuff. A type of chilled soup her people make, minty rather than spicy to deal with the hot weather. It's usually for festivals and the like, to keep everyone energized despite the desert sun, but she figured it might feel better to someone less accustomed to the heat.

And correct she was. The little bird finishes the bowl, and she gratefully accepts a second helping. The scorpion has never liked it particularly, so she easily sits back and watches her new charge eat with a strange fondness growing in her heart she can't quite name.

It has been three years since that day.

Mimi- the bird, who she took in one fateful day- always chirps delightfully as she goes about making breakfast in the mornings, working as a natural alarm clock. Her feathers have returned to their natural glory, now displaying the pattern they were meant to have all along- rich brown feathers coating the outside with a single emerald green line surrounding her like a belt, and seafoam green inside the whole way through. Her hair, too, mirrors this, with a single green streak amongst the crashing brown waves. Her eyes are gentle things, that always look with love no matter what she is pointed at, but especially so when she looks at her lover. "Aria?"

"Coming, coming," Yawns Aria, rising from her bed. It's now larger, able to fit two people and whatever they might do on it. Which is usually cuddle, because Aria has never had a particular lust for those sorts of things and Mimi's particular history prevents her from enjoying it all that often, but that is not to say there has been no recovery mentally.

It may take years yet, and it will never fully heal. But where scorpions are taught never to scar, because allowing an opponent your flesh means death, birds are easily scraped and harmed and instead wear theirs proudly. Or so Aria thinks, anyway, and as much as she tells Mimi.

Some things have changed. She keeps different food in the freezer, puts her knives away very occasionally, and watches out for caravans more closely than she had before, if only to ensure that nothing happens to any more girls. She knows now the joy of having one in her life, recovered and twittering about; to know that a man would rather use her as some sort of object than let her live her life makes her want to tear a man's throat out with her stinger.

So she does. Quite often.

"I made you something, by the way."

"Hm?"

Aria tilts her head and closes one eye, and in response something is placed in her hair. She looks into the mirror to see it.

It's some of Mimi's shorter feathers, some she recognizes having shed around the house. She got all flustered about it, calling it a bother and unsightly and uncleanly, but Aria only laughed and said it was cute, and that scorpions shed out of their shells in one large moment and so it was very strange to see someone shed procedurally.

They're all pinned to a little central bauble- something or other from her collection, she is a scorpion after all, shiny things are her forte- which acts as a hair clip. "What do you think?"

"Emerald is not my color," Aria starts, and Mimi looks heartbroken enough in the mirror that she starts before the poor bird can even open her mouth fully, "I refuse to take it off."

"You like it?"

Aria whirls up and kisses her girlfriend. "I adore it."

#writing #creative writing #short story #lgbtq #lesbian #pride month

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accursedkaleeshi · 3 years ago

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Hondo Has the Opposite of a Crisis of Honor

3K word fic about a job Hondo Ohnaka ran for Kalee earlier in his career & his later wartime run-in with General Grievous.

Business was on a steady incline for Hondo Ohnaka. He had escaped slavery, poverty, the Hutts & now, as planned he would escape the attention of authority. What kind of authority? All kinds, of course. He was a self-made man. An entrepreneur & a leader. His gang, made mostly of fellow Weequay, were operating just as ordered; The Ohnaka Gang! Yes, things were going most swimmingly. For his crew to flourish they had to fly low & strike fast, as his mother would have said.

While they worked up their spice sources, doing good work in front of other backroom businessmen would help get their name out into the right circles of the galaxy. The open ended bid from the planet Kalee for smugglers was a tip top opportunity. The Galactic Republic had brought embargos down on Kalee hard & they had no choice but to turn to underhanded humanitarians (for lack of a better word). Many other gangs & syndicates showed hesitation: the distance, the environment, & the natives all had reputations for being dangerous. Nonsense!, Hondo had thought, We will do it & we will do it with good deals. The Ohnaka Gang could come out looking quite good from this & so very far from the core worlds. Out there was little in the way of pesky patrols that might get their names out into the wrong circles of the galaxy.

From the relative safety of one of his classic Weequay ships, Hondo fixed himself a drink. He flipped on the vidscreen to a call from Kalee & spread himself over his seat. Between his antique rig & their equally antiquated tech, the signal was a bit scrambled.

“Hold on, hold on,” he relayed whilst he threw a cork bottle stopper at his young pet Kowakian monkey-lizard, “Mukmuk, help me out.” Stirred into action, Mukmuk squawked a pompous little laugh but begrudgingly leapt from his perch. The monkey-lizard gave the comms unit a couple good smacks that echoed against the casing but seemed to do the trick. The screen righted itself but the color flickered on & off. At this Hondo opened his arms in a greeting gesture. “Trade Captain Blys’aan! My most beautiful 4th quadrant customer!” he exclaimed jovially, “Your run has departed as planned. You would like more good news, yes-?”

He was interrupted by his contact.

“Save ya wiles for yer core clients, Ohnaka,” Blys’aan said, the audio coming in uncorrupted. She had a thick but warm foreign accent &, although her voice was just as jubilant as Hondo’s, her words were often sharp. The both of them knew very well he did not have clients on the core worlds, not at this point in his sure to be illustrious career. “We givin ya what we agreed,” she said amenably. It was hard to describe how her voice matched her visage. Warm & welcoming, perhaps, but with a sharp wolfish wit about her. A fellow businessman.

“An don’t you go try an upsellin my boys at Hakaleel, eh?” Blys’aan had barked this as if chiding a child. As she spoke she seemed to be sorting or washing vegetables. Her motion would leave artifacts as the vidscreen dropped in & out of monochrome. This Kaleeshi woman had such a vibrant green scales that her form would blend into her backdrop of some lush foreign jungle. Only when she began peeling things did Hondo recognize the vegetable (a popular, cheap export). Consequently, he realized it seemed small in her clawed hands & that Kaleesh must be larger than the average humanoid species. This did not worry him, of course, there was no reason to make things difficult.

“You know we can’t be affording more,” she had added. Hondo knew this to be relatively true. Kalee had next to nothing in the way of recognized galactic currency but Hondo always preferred to trade in goods. Most of what the Kaleesh had been trading to the other smugglers were caches of liberated Yam’rii weapons & tech as well as Kaleeshi people willing to find work off planet. Hondo was sure the Kaleesh made for excellent crew & security but, not to be exclusive, he had his own theme going.

The Ohnaka gang got a few caches of alien weapons but they didn’t mind trading in some of Kalee’s native goods. These were composed largely of animal products: feathers, hides, cuts, live specimens, & bones. Lots & lots of bones. Raw or crafted into traditional pieces of masks or weaponry. It made sense that other less cultured crews referred to the Kaleesh as bone lizards. Hondo knew he could tremendously upsell these to any would-be trophy hunter or self-proclaimed mystic looking for exotic trinkets. Kalee was on the edge of the civilized galaxy & considered to be in wild space; it was legitimately exotic. He would barter these for basic supplies that Kalee seemed to need most of all until such time it ceased to be profitable. Therefore the smiling & nodding he was doing was not at all a lie. For now.

“Tell ya lads t’ be behavin’ themselves on planet,” Blys’aan followed. Her voice suddenly went up half an octave in a mischievous tone. Hondo bowed his head a bit before she finished, his money-making smile still plastered on his face. He liked Trade Captain Blys’aan. She was sassy. Full of spirit. It was too bad she had retired from her position & was only fielding the remaining contracts in her name to her trade company. “We don’ take kindly t’ swindlers out here in wild space.” Naturally, what was a good deal without threats thinly veiled or otherwise? That’s how you know it is good! His mother had told him as much.

Other people (Kaleesh, he assumed) had wandered in & out of the background of her call a couple times & he had taken no notice. That was until Blys’aan said, “Hate for my husband t’ haff ta make’n example outta you to de other pirates, no?” She said this with such glee, her lips pursed into a playful smile behind her bone-crested veil, that the realization of someone coming to pause behind her almost startled the smile from him. They were large. If Blys’aan had 12 standard centimeters on him, this figure would have been nearly 30 centimeters taller than him in his finest boots.

Hondo could only assume it was her new husband; the General, they called him. There was nothing coy & playful about this man. He was only on screen for a few seconds but had looked directly at the pirate, gesturing the universal signal for watching someone. The moment the General motioned to his eyes with two clawed fingers the color on the old monitor cut back in. For a split second Hondo might have been intimidated, barely registering the pointed jab his direction under the piercing predatory gaze of the General’s bright gold eyes glowering at him from behind the hollowed sockets of some animal’s bleached skull. By the time Hondo began to voice a reply to Blys’aan, the General was already out of the frame.

“Of course, of course!” Ohnaka began, very loudly & very reassuringly, “I am a man of substance, Captain! We wouldn’t dream of- of profiting off the suffering of your people. We can be excellentfriends!” He clapped his hands together at this for emphasis. Blys’aan giggled very boisterously. She must have seen her husband walking away & realized that he had been behind her. That must have been a solid relationship, threatening pirates together. Good for them. “There is no need to take the good General away from his duties,” Hondo insisted.

He had no idea what those duties were but he would prefer he keep to them. All Hondo knew about General Grievous was that he was some sort of globally celebrated veteran folk hero, & not the jaunty fun kind of folk hero. He’d heard from the other gangs considering Kalee’s jobs that the General protected his system so fiercely that even Zygerrian slavers would no longer come out this way. The details did not concern him. Hondo was there to do business!

The call carried on another few minutes as he wanted to be positive he postured assuringly enough to not get his crew killed by the natives. Blys’aan had ended the conversation with, “You be good t’ all yer space rat friends, now Ohnaka,” which he took to be endearing in a matronly way. How nice of her to wish them well. This was the last time he spoke with Import Trade Captain Blys’aan. He certainly had hoped in the moment that it was the last time he ever had to see the General.

From then on Hondo’s Kaleeshi contact was the High Trade Chief of the planet’s premier trade organization. They liked their titles, the Kaleesh. High Trade Chief Yaitee was an alright sort, very shrewd & severe. He was quite a fine businessman but desperate (the best kind of businessman) & much less fun. A couple members of his own crew would splinter off & join a poaching ring on the planet, never to be heard from again. You win some, you lose some. Then the Intergalactic Banking Clan showed up to the system. They had apparently worked out some sort of deal with the good General. Many smugglers did not like that kind of presence. Even with the IBC, the Kaleesh tried to maintain many of their under the table contracts as there wasn’t much to go around, apparently.

Over time the Ohnaka gang was getting right to where they wanted to be in the galaxy, cutting deals & running spice. Kalee became less profitable every quarter until they quietly stopped taking their jobs & moved on to greener pastures, so to speak. The last time Kalee was on his underworld radar was maybe 8 standard years after he’d taken on Blys’aan’s contract. Something about an urgent need for medical supplies. Ominous, but there wasn’t anything he could do about it even if he wanted too. Meds were very hard to smuggle & supplying them tended to land people in a lot of drama. Too much trouble to do as a regular gig. But life with spice was going quite nicely.

Hondo did not think back on dropped deals very often. Life must go on, after all. Years later the Ohnaka gang became quite good at conducting business on the fringes of the Clone Wars. Now, he was not one to take sides, but it is hard to sell to battle droids. Not impossible, but very hard. The money in the Separatists was their leader Count Dooku of Serrano. The man was loaded with money. But unfortunately their engagements fell through & Hondo hadn’t managed to make friends with the Count.

He had hoped perhaps the Count was an honorable old man that would take their falling out with grace & humility. He learned he was incorrect in this assumption when a fleet of battle droids showed up to his beautiful home & base of operations on Florrum. The Count himself did not show, busy doing Sith lord things, whatever that was. He sent his dog of war. Of course Hondo had heard the commander of Dooku’s droid army was wreaking havoc on the galaxy. Not the jaunty, fun kind of havoc. Supreme Commander of the Separatist Droid Army General Grievous. The Kaleesh liked their titles. However, up until that day, Hondo had the good fortune of never meeting him & thought maybe good for him, getting promoted to death machine, but never lingered on it.

He had not been worried. What are a few battle droids? He was not prepared for what marched into his lobby that day. It was big. Sharp. Cold. Most of all, furious. King of the clankers, indeed.

“Hondo,” it growled his name with disdain upon entering.

“General Grievous, I presume!” Hondo had greeted his guest as jovially as ever. “What a surprise! Have a seat. What, may I ask, is the honor?” The hope that maybe this could be an amicable meeting faded with each long, loud step the General took, until this overgrown battle droid stepped directly onto his desk to leer at him. When the General grabbed his very rare vintage coat lapels & lifted him off of his feet there was a split second of something, maybe horror or disgust or maybe even pity. Whatever it was had him briefly aghast to find those same blazing golden eyes he’d glimpsed so long ago. Did the General remember him? Or was he acting purely on the spiteful orders of his master?

“You can dispense with the pleasantries, pirate,” Grievous had rasped as he approached. “This planet is now under Separatist control,” he had asserted from somewhere on that uncanny plate armor that was now his face. It truly was the same man. Bone white was an interesting color choice for a killer war robot. Bold.

“Uh huh,” Hondo blinked a few times before remembering he was currently being threatened with military occupation by this fancy cyborg. “And what do you suppose that means?” he asked. His flash of empathy vanished completely as quickly as it came. He got the feeling this meeting was not going to get him any deals & in fact he may be swindled. The gall did not have time to be voiced as the General threw him to the ground with an unnecessary amount of force. Luckily he was still drunk enough not to be phased by impact.

“It means you have a new master, pirate scum” the General jeered & threw something to the ground in front of him. Hondo had another second of panic, thinking perhaps the good General was insane & opted to bomb them. But it was just a holocom. And there was the man of the hour over hologram to greet him.

“Hondo Ohnaka, we meet again,” Count Dooku began over coms with just as much disdain as his monstrous errand boy, “As I recall, last time we met face-to-face I was your prisoner.” Hondo muttered a syllable. He supposed the Jedi would never hold a grudge like this. “And you attempted to barter me off to the highest bidder.” Dooku’s face never once changed expression.

“But can you blame me?” Hondo interjected with a smile & a sheepish shrug. “I mean a Sith Lord-“ He used the same gravitas to pronounce it that everyone else did, although still not having any idea what exactly a Sith lord was. “What a handsome price you would-“

“Silence! You will pay the price for your treachery,” the Count barked.

“Well, I’m a reasonable man. Name the price. I’m sure we can reach a-“ Hondo was again cut off.

“There will be payment, but no deals…” No deals, he said? No deals? “Only demands. Your entire arsenal will be melted down. Everything you own is now property of the Separatist Alliance.”

“Now you go too far!” Hondo exclaimed indignantly. “Unacceptable! This is an outrage. This…” All of his little kingdom he had worked so hard for! Scrapped by this cad & his metal toys? He had stolen all of this fair & square. He would not stand for this! Now that he was making a scene, two commando droids clacked up & seized him by the arms with very unforgiving grip. “Hold on,” the pirate changed his tone as the droids led him away to his own brig. “We can make a deal! This is not good business!” he shouted over his shoulder.

That was a very long day for Hondo Ohnaka. Luckily the half-gallon Jedi he had captured earlier came back to rescue him with the troupe of pint sized Jedi in tow. How nice this was! Not only did they free him, but he got to witness the construction of a Jedi lightsaber. Very rare, very exclusive. In return he led them to his secret fleet of pirated ships in which they could escape. Very generous of him. They got separated in the dry canyons of Florrum but Hondo was convinced to courageously save the day in the Fetts’ souped up patrol ship, Slave 1. It was a very nice ship that the same half-gallon Jedi had grounded there some time before.

The ship had now come to the girl’s rescue in the midst of a lightsaber duel with the General himself. There were far too many laser swords flashing down there in the dust. Tano leapt dramatically into the open gangplank just out of reach of the droid general’s claws. Grievous stood & stared down this highly modified attack ship, yelling some threat. Hondo felt threatened, at least, as his initial impression concerning the General’s level of sanity seemed to be true. This completely justified opening fire on the cyborg with dual ship-graded laser cannons. The tiny Jedi were surprisingly very open to obliterating him. It would have been a nice end to the day if Hondo had stopped a galactic war right then & there but, after a bolt or two struck the ground around him the General dropped & took cover. He folded rather like a very expensive lawn chair as his Separatist tanks rolled up behind him. It was time to go.

This was exactly how he retold the tale to Jedi Kenobi. Except maybe the part about waylaying a craft full of children. The important thing is Hondo saved the day! His friends in the Republic were happy to free his base system from Separatist control or, in the very least, not arrest him for waylaying a craft full of children. Whilst Hondo & his battered gang went back to Florrum to start picking up the pieces, he may have had a quiet moment of intoxicated introspection (the best kind of introspection?).

He reflected on the concepts of good & evil, whether or not they exist, & if so, to what degree. Was his sense of honor different than his friend Kenobi’s? From the Count’s? From the General’s? Surely these were all honorable men. At least at some point in their lives. Hardship tends to polarize people. Hondo liked to be in the middle. Maybe a little to one side. Then he went to drunkenly order new ships from the holonet to defend his base from any other ideas the Count might get.

The very last time his mind wandered all the way back to the Kalee contract was when the news broke. That was a lot of news to take in, to be fair. The Clone Wars had ended with the death of General Grievous & a betrayal by the Jedi of the Republic? Where did everyone’s honor get them in the end? He fleetingly wondered how Import Trade Captain Blys’aan was doing.

#accursed!grievous #blys'aan #hondo ohnaka #ft. kaleesh OCs

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spottedlekkudancer · 5 years ago

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Lady of the Stars Part One - Contact

@paytonita @tranquility-or-chaos @inumorph

THIS IS A SW/Witcher CROSSOVER.

Geralt x Jedi!Reader

2.8K words

Originally planed on having 2 or 3 parts to this story but apparently I have diarrhea of the mouth and moved the plot too slow. So get ready to be strapped in for at least 4 if not 5 self indulgent parts. And feel free to send me all the questions you like.

Warnings: Adult language, mentions of death, violence, and other adult themes.

By whim or by destiny light catches your attention though fluttering lashes. It kisses your cheek with warmth and the subtleness of a gentle dawn. After a moment the fog of sleep sheds from your brain. You adjust. The orange glow crackles at your nose and you realize that you are in more peril than the lingering caress of your dreams led you to believe. The pilot’s dash in front of you is consumed with flame.

“Crinking Hell! Dol'bfai!” You smack the Weequay to your right in an attempt to get his attention, but your hand meets nothing but the padding of your co-pilot’s chair. Heart dropping to your gut you look about the cockpit of your HWK-290. The leathery skinned man was in a broken bloody heap on the floor behind you. You might have felt bad if he wasn’t such E-chu-ta each and every day. If fact you couldn’t help but scold him mentally for not wearing his seat straps. “So much for ‘the experienced never falter’ line, Chuggnut.” You grunted, ejecting yourself from your own buckles to take care of the more pressing matter.

You leaned over the Weequay smuggler’s body to get to the extinguishing hose and with a little effort you salvaged what was left of your controls. Outside your ship was another wreck all together. Fires were smoldering at every corner of your limited view from inside. You had half a mind to run out immediately, but thought better of it. If your ship was going to blow up it would have done so already you told yourself in a comforting manner. Sending your droids for damage control was the safer option on foreign planets. However, you couldn’t stay put forever. The damages weren’t going to evaluate themselves, moreover, the body of your partner needed to be dragged out before he started to stink. By the looks of things the atmosphere had to be breathable. Most planets with such green life gave off suitable levels of oxygen for humans. Whatever the case, you would have to risk it; your employer refused to provided vacuum suits or travel tanks. Too costly.

You were use to the miserly ways of the former pirate leader Hondo Ohnaka. You had been working with his smuggling cover company for half a decade now: ever since you ran from the Jedi training academy, or rather, Ben Solo. You didn’t know Solo to be a liar, in fact he had treated you like a little sister for all the years you had grown together, but when he told you and the others how Luke had turned on him you were too confused to chose between the two of them. Luke was your master, and Ben your friend. The force whispered something to you then. A soft encouragement to leave everything. You chose to listen; to not pick sides at all, and made a new life for yourself under an identity the Weequay stole for you.

Once free of your hot metal cage it was clear that things were not as horrible as you imagined. You were safe from any fuel combustion’s or reactor leaks. The two DUM-series pit droids were clumsily scurrying about trying to put out the fire that was inching ever closer to your turret. It was also evident from the back that only one of Pathfinder’s two hyper-drive systems had taken on some heavy laser canon damage. Looked like the shielding component was scored too, but that wasn’t a necessity for getting back in the air.

“The kriff happen?” you weren’t fully talking to anyone, not even yourself. You had a vague memory of being cornered by Absolution, a First Order R-SD, and their TIE fighters on your way to a high bye delivery. But how, moreover where, you crash landed was still a mystery. You tapped the remote on your wrist. A projection fizzed in and out of view with vertical blue static. You must have knocked it out of order in the crash. Now you had no way of knowing what planet you were on or what it’s population consisted of.

“O-T!” The droid with the painted yellow stripe above his singular oculus ambled in your direction. “Once you get this mess under controls see if our Nav is still in tact. The job is a sham but we might be able to at least back track to base. I’ll go scout out the area for any nearby scarp yards. We aren’t getting off this durkload of a planet in this condition, that’s for damn sure.” O-T nodded and whistled a question in response. “Don’t know. Com link is out and I’m not able to check for life forms. If anything happens just lock yourselves in the ship 'til I get back.” You didn’t wait for the little droid to argue with you more as he usually would. It wasn’t likely you would be getting an extraction from Ohnaka Transport Solutions this close to First Order territory anyway. You were on your own.

You traveled 500 paces from your ship in each cardinal direction before you came to something of interest. Flowing SE to S was a small river bed. With noting more than a seemingly endless forest as your surrounding it was your best bet to finding civilization. For another hour you saunter down the unbeaten path until you felt night approaching. There was already little light beneath the canopy and you didn’t have the eyes of a cat, so with your wits and strength still about you you turned back. The rusted roof of your Corellian light freighter would have to suffice for the night.

The cacophonous sounds of shrieking and the boisterous gargling of goose like honks was your first indication that something was awry near your ship. The closer you got the more defining the racket became. Whatever the creature was, and you were sure it was some kind of animal, had to have a massive pair of lungs on it.

With much disappointment you found your analysis to be correct. Thought the brush you could see some kind giant blue feathered lizard-bird striking at your dead co-pilot’s flesh. You cursed yourself for not burring the poor man right away, and true to your command your pit droids had barricaded them selves inside your transport.

“Mother of …” You sighed to yourself. Your Jedi teachings told you to let the beast be, however, just hiding behind a tree all night while it desecrated the Weequay’s body didn’t feel right to you. Regardless you held yourself back from attacking the thing. It was just trying to survive after all, and if you didn’t have to get into a fight you didn’t want to. You were already stranded. Adding injury to that would not be wise.

When morning came the feathered brute had not yet left; roosting atop your ship like it had always belonged there.

Well if the giant critter wanted it, he could have it. In your groggy state you had little patience and didn’t want to be bothered with defending what you didn’t currently posses. You had everything you needed: canteen, provisions in your belt pouch, republic credits, and of course your trusty light-saber. Once you got what you wanted from the scrap shop you would deal with the overgrown pidgin.

“You’re alive.”

The voice of your pursuer was clear. This wasn’t part of your imagination. The force had bonded you and Solo again. “Careful Ren, you almost sound relived.”

Kylo scoffed. “Surprised is more likely."

You stood and turned around. Were there was once endless forest now stood the masked Dark Jedi you both dreaded and longed to see. "How is it you keep your standards for me so low when I’ve evaded your every move."

"I wouldn’t call narrowly escaping with your life an 'evasion’.” Gloved hands ringed rightly around themselves. Anger or worry built like a tumultuous storm inside of him: you couldn’t tell which. “How did you manage that Jump?”

“Jump?” The query slipped though your lips too quickly.

“Don’t remember? Maybe your not as well of as you look” Kylo straightened with pride. You were sure he was gloating to himself on his small victory. “My Knights had you cornered at the edge of a nebula. With no larger ship close enough to tractor you in I gave the order to immobilize you.”

“Why not just kill me?"

It was an abrupt interruption that went unanswered. Kylo waited for you to calm yourself before continuing. Even now as a villainous "dark lord” he was patient with you. “We took out your Hyperdrive, Y/N. That jump should have been impossible.”

It was coming back to you now. You had prosperously led the TIEs to the cloud of gas and dust. You planed to enter into it blind and use the force as your guide. You figured the lot you were running from wouldn’t dare try to fallow. Instead your ship started to shake and spark as it tried desperately to hold against the onslaught. You panicked. You didn’t even complete the calculations before you pushed your freighter to enter hyperspace. You could have died. You could have been thrust into a star or another mass and exploded into dust.

Your stomach tightened. Dol'bfai was dead because of your rash behavior. He was in the middle of un-tethering a knot in his seat straps when you made that decision. You pulled out of it almost immediately, giving your best attempt at the “skipping” the other smuggler pilots did so often, but it was too late. You were entering the atmosphere of another moon or planet. There was not time to pull up, and you crashed.

If Kylo saw the tear you shed just then he didn’t bother to comment on it. “If you were with those goons of yours you could have planned better for that. You know as well as your father that every standard HAWK series come with two hyperdrives."

You could have sworn you heard Kylo curse from beneath his helmet. His breathing was expeditious and heavy now; you cold feel his fury swarming in the force around you.

"Cookie points to you if you are able to find me this time Ren. Even I don’t know where I am.” You teased rather lightheartedly.

This only pushed his buttons more. He gestured to you pointedly. “Oh don’t worry about that. I’ll bring you in myself if I have to.”

And with that your force connection faded. The experience left you feeling diminished and torn. Your past kept endangering the people around you. With a heaving breath and shaking knees you looked ahead to the southern half of the forest. You could dwell on these events all day if you’d like, but it would just be a waist of time. You needed to set your pity party aside and focus on getting off this planet before he really did find you.

~~~ Two days had passed and you thanked the force that not one of them brought you any sign of the First Order. Your only gripe was that the town you had found proved your worst nightmares had come true. This planet was primitive. The citizens here weren’t even literate, moreover, building any sort of machinery. You were shit out of luck, money, and a plan.

Was this punishment? You thought it might be far more often than you would like to admit. The force had never led you so astray before. What kind of design could it have for you now?

Your credits weren’t worth anything here but one tavern keeper in this shit stained town you did take a fancy to your Heart of Beskar necklace. You debated for a long while if you should give it to him in exchange for a few hot meals and a bed. It was the only thing you had to remember your birth family of after all. But after a particularly stormy night you didn’t have choice any longer. Not unless you wanted to freeze to death. It was hard to let go, but not as hard as it was each day that passed knowing your parents let you be raised by a stranger.

Sure becoming a Jedi was a noble cause to enlist your child into, but unlike so many of your piers you did not ever go back home to your parents. Ben and the others always got to see their loved ones for a few weeks every so often, and yet you were kept locked away on the training camp with Luke year round. When asked Luke assured you that your parents were still alive; he even gave you their names and home planet. Even now after having found their old home and poppers grave you didn’t understand.

So to the inn keep you gifted your father’s old armor piece, and two nights stay was what he offered you in return. Not a fair trade by any means, however, how exactly were you supposed to explain the galactic value of Beskar to these simple people?

A man dressed in bright colors played a 15 stringed instrument in the corner of the tavern. He was merry and boisterous; entertaining at the vary least. You pitied that the crowd this morning was not taking well to him. Half of them were hung over, the other half looked mean and dirty enough to scare a Dewback.

The Musician caught you staring at him. A smile brighter than the three suns of Helioss graced his features. You cringed internally and returned his gesture with a timid one of your own. Silently you prayed he wouldn’t goat you into some volunteer sing-song delights so publicly.

The Man’s strut was so vaunt it had every patron staring at him as he made his way though the tables to presumably talk to you. You shrunk a little in your seat, not wanting this kind of attention. You had already drawn enough as it was with how oddly you were dressed; you didn’t need any more. He plopped down opposite you at the table.

“So! How come the only person in this shit stick interested in my song is a pretty young woman like you?” He gave you almost no room to think of an answer before continuing his self serenade. “If it’s my corky charm or boyish good looks please don’t keep me waiting in sufferance to hear those sweet words leave your lips.” The line could have been considered smooth to some, however, the awkward and eager demeanor he carried was a little too much. You could see how it was putting off the rest of the room.

The only response you had to offer was a perplexed smile.

He rested his chin in the palm of his upturned hand. “Come on!” He whined enthusiastically. “Care to comment on the quality of my performance? I do love getting reviews from the public.”

You sighed though your nose and fiddled with the food in front of your. “Yes, well… I suppose we all yearn for validation. Don’t we?”

It was the bard’s turn to bewildered. He sat up stat tall in his bench now, brows furrowed, taking a briefer moment to ponder. “What’s your name?”

Your head tilted. “Where I’m from it’s rude to ask for someone’s name without offering your own first.” It was a plane way of throwing his question back at him; you weren’t looking to get overly acquainted with anyone if you could avoid it.

“Oh!” He was beaming excitedly again. “Where is it you are from?!"

You gave him an unblinking stare for what felt like a medium sized eternity. Clearly he was not accustom to taking non verbal ques. You decided to just give in to his delicate personality. "Florrum.”

“Ahh.” He nodded in a knowing matter. “Beautiful country.”

“Right.” He was pulling Bantha wool over your eyes in an attempt to impress you. It was arguably charming.

“Where is that exactly? From here I mean.” The bard laughed nervously as he knocked his head playfully. “I get so turned around while mindlessly fallowing my muse on his travels.”

“Your Muse?” It was time to change the subject.

“Oh hohoho! He is a man of Destiny, Heroics, and Heart Brake.” The man practically jumped out of his seat and with one leg propped up onto the bench he swung his instrument back front side. “Shall I play you a song about him?”

Head half in your hands you nodded. Your bashful nature told you you would regret this, but you didn’t have the heart to say no.

He was taking his first heaving breath before starting to strum when another interrupted the musician, yanking him back by the shoulder. “Jaskier. We’re leaving.” The new man was hulking and clad in black studded leathers, with eyes of gold. He wasn’t old, but his hair was as silver as his blades. A striking appearance. Perhaps humans weren’t the only sentient species on this forsaken planet.

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dyke-remy · 4 years ago

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Live And Let Die, part 5

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 6

Description: Agent 008 and Agent 009, professional spies for the MI6 with liscense to kill. Partners in both work and love. After an agent goes missing the partners have to once more go out into the field. (It’s a James Bond AU)

You don’t need to know anything about James Bond to be able to read this fic, trust me

Words: 3505

The train cart was filled with silence. Remy looked at the dog tag, the dog tag which had belonged to Roman. They looked up at their husband. He was staring right through them.

"I- I'll call Q. He'll get us home" Remy hastily let out.

They didn't get a reply. Remus sat perfectly still as they talked to Q. He seemed to be looking at a ghost. Maybe he was dissociating, maybe he was reliving the death. His hands wouldn't stop shaking.

Eventually Remy got up and took his hand. They held onto him until the train got to it's next stop. Held onto him the long car ride to an airport. Held onto him the entire flight back to England. Held onto him until they back to their apartement at MI6. They knew he would break apart if they let go right now.

Remy was sure M would give them a break from missions. Remus was barely eating, much less sleeping. No one could except him to work.

And yet here they were, 2 days later in M's office. Remus actually sat in a normal position in one of the chairs which was so unusual it even made M uncomfortable. Remy sat in his lap with their arms around his shoulders to comfort him.

"-I assure you 009 that I would let you two have a break if this mission wasn't urgent. Trust me I would be very happy if you two disappeared from my sight for a while" M aka Deceit said. One of his pet snakes had made itself comfortable around his neck.

"Sure girl. What's so fucking important then?"

Deceit pushed a paper over the desk towards them "This. Your luck was in your favor 009. You brought back a document from Ron Stewart's, the man you killed, room on the train correct?"

"Girl I dunno. 75% of the time I'm just like running on instinct and iced coffee but yeah sure"

"Yes well this document talks about Stewart's company partially being bought by this company by the name of Vigur. I didn't recognize it so I asked Q to do some research and-"

"It's a vampire sex ring!" Remy guessed.

Deceit blinked at them "Close. No it's a new company, actually it hasn't even started yet. It will have an opening this week in Manchester. It's an energy company and apparently it's lead by a young new business entrepreneur. It's strange.....When Q looked him up there was nothing. No history, no photos, no educational records. Only a few articles about him and his dad and that he was the leader of Vigur"

"I didn't catch the name"

"Virgil. Virgil Viverno"

Remus suddenly moved his arms around Remy's waist so tightly their ribs hurt. He buried his head against their shoulder. His spouse' placed their hands on top of his.

Deceit looked at him varily. He really did want to let the agents go on a break, he wasn't heartless, but, well, they had a mission to finish, even if it had become an intricate one.

"I suggest you two infiltrate the opening of the company. Find any information you can because somehow this has to be connected to the killings of agents caused by....Jaws...To aid I asked Moneypenny to follow Virgil around a bit and take a few pictures so you two know who to interrogate"

Deceit called for Moneypenny aka Patton. He entered the office with a stack of photos in his hands before sitting down on the edge of the table and laying out the photos. It was all of the so called Virgil. He was sitting in a car far away in all of them so it was a bit hard to see but they got the basic gists of him having short unkept black hair and sickly pale skin.

"Aww Patty I didn't know you got to work out in the field" Remy commented.

Deceit arched his brow "Don't underestimate him"

"I might not be as good in combat as y'all are but I can be sneaky and take a few photos every now and then"

Deceit sent him an unusually warm smile "You did a good job"

Moneypenny blushed slightly "Oh shush you snakecharmer. I'm married"

Remy grabbed one of the photos and looked closer "Betting on him being gay so time for some guy drag. Just 'cause I'm like tots too lazy to get into womany attire. We'll infiltrate the party, I'll take him to his hotel room and look for anything about why this new stupid company exists"

They were quiet for a few seconds before adding with venom in their tone "Or why they murdered Picani"

Patton leaned over and patted them on their shoulder to comfort them. "Yeah it's a bit weird. I followed him around for quite a few days but he rarely ever left the house he was staying at. He never even walked around. Either he was at that house or he was driven directly to the company building. He never stayed there for long so he couldn't have been working"

"Mhm" Deceit began "It could mea-"

Remus slammed his hand down into the table.

"You're all ignoring Roman"

Patton paled a little. Deceit leaned back in his seat. They were all silent.

"I- I mean the dog tag it- it has to mean this- the company- Picani it must have something to do with Roman doesn't it- I mean- I mean- Maybe- Roman could be alive"

Remus looked around at them while holding the tag close to his chest. He didn't look mad. He just looked like a cornered animal, a hurt prey.

"Kiddo" Patton held out his hand, unsure if to comfort or reason with him.

"Killing a 00 agent is quite a big thing. I can imagine that someone would gladly take the dog tag and keep it with them as a souvenir if they'd been in the same building as where it happened. From your reports of what happened there is no chance your brother is alive" Deceit stated bluntly "It is of far greater importance to try and find this 'Jaws' guy before he kills any more 00 agents"

All of the air seemed to go out of Remus. His arms loosened around Remy. They tried to comfort him and whisper sweet nothings to him.

"M don't be so cold about it!" Patton exclaimed. "It's okay kiddo. I'm sure- Maybe- We-" He pressed his lips into a tight line and tried to think about anything positive to say. He gave up and moved to try and hug Remus at least.

Remus stood up from the chair so quickly Remy nearly fell down on the floor. He banged his hands down into the table and leaned close to Deceit. His furious brown, nearly red, eyes stared into Deceit's cold black ones.

"I'll capture Jaws and I'll drag him back here. I'll drop him right here on your bloody desk if that's what it takes to make you take me seriously. And then I Will find my brother! Even if it's just his rotten corpse!"

He stormed out of the room without another word and slammed the doors shut behind him.

Remus was driving a black ashton martin towards the company's building where the opening party was being held. He had on a black suit. Remy sat in the passenger seat. They had on a looser fitting black blazer with a white button up under and pants. They'd styled it with a necklace and a few rings on their fingers.

"Babe you don't have to like do this you know that right?" Remy asked while looking over to their husband "Like it's really understandable if you want a break from work or something right now with the whole Roman thing. I can handle it on my own"

"I have to.........If there's a small chance Roman is...is.....out there I have to follow up on.....And even if he's....even if he's...gone....I want to at least stop the people who...killed....him" He held onto the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turned white "I want to tear them apart for hours upon hours until they're begging me to kill them"

Remy took his hand and intertwined their fingers "I'll be right here beside you" They pressed a kiss to his knuckles "I'mma be cutting people apart as well!"

Remus sent them a tired smile "Mhm. Love you my rotten lil sunflower"

They scrunched their nose "Gross"

"Nu-hu! You're my dear maggot infested heart"

"And you're the human equivalent of a mad scientist's experiment going wrong"

Remus pretended to blush "Awww you're always at your A game with compliments"

"Somebody has to be"

They leaned in for a kiss before getting out of the car. The tall building had an elegant opening door made out of glass.

Remy held onto their husband's upper arm and leaned on his shoulder as they walked in. The entrance was a grand room looking outmost modern. The reception had been turned into a bar and there were cocktail tables here and there.

The opening party was mostly to establish connectioncs between CEOs and such. It was all fake smiles and empty talking between glasses of champange.

"Let's say we're here for my mom's company" Remus whispered.

"Oh yeah the super legal one with a brilliant name" Remy chuckled back.

"Don't you dishonor the name of Octopussy!" He did a dramatic pout "But we'll say we're from the hotel business side of the company and not the y'know jewel smuggling-"

"Or circus business"

"Or circus business yes"

They mingled among the crowd while looking for Virgil. It was ironic how Remy was better at talking about the Octopussy company than Remus was. He'd always been better at the smuggling part than the business part while it was the reverse for his twin. Roman had been chosen to become the full time leader of the company once their mom retired...well that had changed obviously.

Remy was in the middle of making up an elaobarate lie about Octopussy totally being besties with the owner of this company to some business men when Remus pulled them aside. He pointed over to a dark corner of the room.

"Holy shit!" Remy gasped while their eyes widened "That's a total heart-throb!"

"What- No-" Remus looked at them with a confused look before looking back at the corner.

Remy was looking at a tall, broad shouldered, muscular guy in a slick black suit. He stood near the corner with his arms crossed. They were practically looking at him with heart eyes.

"Awww babe are you trying to find me a date? He's just my type!" They said while holding onto their tall, broad shouldered, muscular husband wearing a slick black suit.

"Sorry darling dearest but I was pointing at Virgil"

Next to the muscular guy a skinny man was sitting by a lone table. He had on a black button up shirt with a purple hoodie over. There was a glass of soda in front of him.

Remy pouted "That's not as fun"

"You can try to flirt with him while you get info from Virgil" Remus moved his hand to their jaw and leaned their head up "You horndog"

"Shut up your bundle of bacteria" They teased back before leaning in to kiss him.

"A demon would be jealous of your horniness......because....y'know....demon horns"

"Girl I could walk into a public toilet and press my finger against the wall and I would get the same amount of filth on my finger from that wall as I would get from your skin"

Remus kissed them again "Love you"

"Love you too" They smiled into the kiss.

"Be careful. If I see you leave with Virgil I'll follow you and cut in if I hear anything fucked aight?"

"Got it gal!"

Their hands lingered together for an extra moment before they both willed themself to let go. Remy walked towards Virgil. They unbuttoned the top 2 buttons on their shirt, dragged up their shirt sleeves slightly and fixed their hair.

They didn't get to Virgil. The tall muscular man stopped them beforehand by grabbing onto their shoulder. They couldn't honestly say that they were complaining.

"Mr. Viverno doesn't wish to talk to any more strangers for the rest of the night. He's already had enough people try to manipulate him with sweet talking and business deals" The man, who Remy assumed was a bodyguard, said in a stern tone.

Remy sent him a cheeky smile "Aww girl I'm not here for some money talk or whateva. I just hate parties. I was forced here just as much as the next boytoy"

The bodyguard sneered at them but from over his shoulder they could see Virgil glancing at them. In the low light it was hard to see the details of his face.

"Theo it's okay. You can let him in"

Remy had a shit eating grin on their face as they gracefully sauntered past the bodyguard apparently named Theo. They slumped down on the seat on the opposite side of the table to Virgil. He seemed okay with just sitting in silence, Remy wasn't.

"I'm Diamandis. Remington Diamandis" They reached out their hand after saying the totally real and not at all made up name.

Virgil just stared at their hand "You already know my name. You wouldn't be at the opening if you didn't"

They leaned their elbows on the table "Yeah well introductions are always nice either way. Know whats not like nice? Parties. Fucking hate them" They lied.

He quickly nodded along "Everything is so....loud....there's so many peoples. I've never been to any sort of party or anything before but I already hate them"

"Impressive. If I could choose I would have tots been...." Remy tried to figure out what Virgil would react to best "Been staying in my room all alone like just calm no sounds. Sadly my daddy is like involved with this like octopussy company so I gotta be here" They saw how Virgil immediately tried to hold back a smile at the mention of the name "It's okay, you can laugh"

He covered his mouth with his hand while giggling "Sorry- Sorry it's just- that's a bad word"

"I'm aware. I've been looking to get a new daddy anyhow. Someone less boring who doesn't drag me to all these stuck up parties"

"....Through....adoption...?...Or...?"

Remy realized they were talking to an innocent lamb and quickly changed the subject "So you wanna buy us drinks? A fancy cocktail would sound nice right about now" They leaned their chin on their hands and moved closer.

"I uh I can't. Maybe some soda I dunno"

"What? You're waiting 'till marriage to drink or something"

Virgil glanced up at him "No I- I'm not allowed. I'm 15. Theo said-"

Remy reared back into their seat. The smug look on their face was instantly gone as they buttoned up their shirt all the way up. Now when they knew he was a teenager it was blatantly obvious. Suddenly they noticed the subtle acne on his face, how his arms clearly had had a growth spurt before the rest of his body, how he still kind of had baby cheeks.

"I'm sorry. You should have said- I didn't think- I'm sorry that's like tots gross of me- The lightning is really bad I couldn't see- Sorry girl" They babbled out.

"What are you apologizing for?" Virgil asked while tilting his head.

"I the adult here flirted with you- which is so disgusting and girl I'm like-"

Virgil looked like he was one step away from slamming his hands into the table and standing up "Flirting??" His eyes widened "That was flirting??"

"Indeed it was. I was close to punching you the entire time" Theo muttered while eyeing Remy.

"This is almost as cool and as when I got to try out a phone for the first time a few days ago" Virgil pointed over to Theo "He has a bunch of games on his phone. They're really fun"

Theo let out a ridiculously tired sigh "The games are just there for my kids I swear"

Remy zoned out of the conversation. The sheer weirdness of someone who apparently is a CEO 1. being a teenager and 2. not owning a phone had taken them right out. Every step of this mission seemed to make it weirder and weirder. It made their head hurt with unanswered questions.

"-my room?" Remy got forced out of their thoughts as Virgil asked them something.

"What?"

"Do you want to go to my room? I have a room on the second floor in case I ever need to stay over for the night. The place I actually live is quite far away from here" He fiddled with his sleeves "You said you would rather be in your room like ehhh being calm so I thought we could go away from all the loud people at least"

"Sure kid" Remy almost felt bad for how easily Virgil had done exactly what they wanted him to.

He got up and mumbled something to Theo before setting off towards the elevator. Remy blew Theo a kiss before waving goodbye as they walked past him. In response he gave them the middle finger, clearly showing of the wedding ring on his finger.

One short elevator ride later they were following Virgil through a long hallway. It was all cold grey walls and light that gave them a headache. It was quiet apart from the muffled sounds from the people on the first floor.

Virgil suddenly reached out and held onto the sleeve of their blazer. He looked up at them with big eyes "Have you ever touched snow?"

"....Yes-"

He held onto them harder and a smile played at the edge of his lips "Can you describe it?"

Remy was a bit taken aback by the weird question but shrugged and began to describe it. Nothing had been worse than the freezing winters with nothing but their mothers and a cheap sleeping bag to keep them warm. From the corner of their eye they caught a glimpse of Remus following them.

Virgil's smile grew wider the more they described it. His blue eyes looked at them as if they were the most knowledgable person ever. Before they knew they'd reached his room. It was mostly bare. Just a bed, a nightstand and a few boxes. The bed wasn't even comfortable as they sat down alongside the teenager.

They glanced around for anything important. Drugging a teenager so he fell asleep so they could search through his room made them feel really disgusting but at least it was better than knocking him out. Hopefully it would just feel like a quick nap. Hopefully they could hide the sleeping pill in some soda.

"Are you looking for something?" Virgil asked.

"Nah girl. Nothing. I was just-"

Remy turned back to look at him. His smile was gone and his blue eyes suddenly seemed cold. It felt like his gaze was piercing through them.

"Oh 009. You should have paid more attention" Virgil murmured.

Their blood ran cold at the mention of their 00 title. They tried to speak but realized their mouth felt numb. Their whole body felt numb and as heavy as lead.

"Do you seriously think Theo would have let you be alone with me unless he knew you were so stupid you wouldn't even care to look at the most important part of this room" He scoffed at them.

Remy fell back on the bed. Their eyelids could barely stay open as they looked up. Their eyes widened as they saw dozens upon dozens of spiders sitting on the roof.

"Ruthie is such a good girl" Virgil picked up a big black spider that had been crawling around on the covers. He patted her while talking "All it takes is a small bite from her and a human can be passed out for up to 6 hours"

Remy wanted to muster up the strenght to snarl an insult at least. Instead all they could do was fall asleep as their eyes rolled to the back of their skull.

Virgil's smile widened "Goodnight"

He let out a few more of his dear spiders crawl up on his arms. He threw the bed lamp down on the ground and let out a few fake muffled cries. It was too trick 009's equally as stupid partner to rush in.

And he did. Of course he did.

Remus stumbled into the room with a neutral expression plastered on his face. His eyes darted around the room but quickly landed on his sleeping spouse.

"Sorry! I was uh looking for the bathroom!" He threw out "Oh wow one of you is unconcious that's not good especially not while in bedrooms! Maybe I should stay"

Virgil looked at him as he was the biggest idiot on earth. A few spiders started to crawl up Remus' legs. He looked down at them and quickly shook them off before stomping on them.

"YOU FUCKER!" Virgil yelled. He shot up from the bed and closed his hands into fists. He nearly teared up at the sight of the dead spiders.

Remus took a step back and raised his hands "Hey kid I'm sorry but-"

He didn't say anything more. A harsh hit landed on the back of his neck. He immediately fell down on the ground.

The whole room was spinning. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Virgil moving to hug a person. He seemed to be lifted from the ground and spun around in the hug.

The last thing Remus heard before he passed out was Virgil happily letting out a "Jawsie!!"

#live and let die #sanders sides #not countdown #remus sanders #janus sanders #remy sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #intrusleep #resleep #remsleep #rem^2 #thomas sanders

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zamgoods · 4 years ago

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How is Raya Like Star Wars/ Romeo Must Die

Saturday March 27th 3.27.2021 86th day Waxing Gibbous Moon (3.28)

So not having saw the movie yet, I will not spoil it. I just wanna know if Raya or a dragon gets beheaded or almost does, like in Mulan when her General pardons her, yet almost took her head off. Not trying to be gruesome, it’s a reason to look out for this.

Rush Hour 3 explains it all. It’s woman’s history month, so let’s share some facts about the importance traditions in China.

Let’s look out for Raya and the Last Dragon and see connections to Aaliyah in Romeo Must Die which brought us to newest Star Wars Trilogy. Also linked with Kung Fu Panda, Mulan, Rush Hour 3, The Last Dragon, Triads, Alice in Wonderland, Akasha in Queen of the Damned.

We are interested in the female, woman beheaded, dragon head, with secrets of the leaders of try ad family also cat hole lick ma fee ahh.

Raya movie was released 3.3.21 --->3.3.3 in US 3.5.21. Decoding is our thing so keep in mind 33 master number of Jesus. 33 movable vertebrates of the back/spine ending with a downwards pyramid, triangle called the sacrum.

Sacral chakra where the dragon sleeps also called Kundalini. Dragon or serpent. In Mulan 1998 version Mooshoo played by black man Eddie Murphy. He knocks the head of the actual family dragon and takes his place. This is the point of it. In Raya the Dragon, named Sisu, voiced by Akwafina, is the last dragon.

I also didn’t see the new Mulan yet as well. I also wanna know if there is a part where a Chinese person is disguised as an Arab, like Han did to Akbar in Romeo Must Die. I wonder if we can find out who the new Dragaon head of the try ad. See there’s the 13 plus one kay and others that may be at play. Look out for numero 489.

Remember that the try ad are known for running the casinos, gambling rings, fireworks, rockets, sex trafficking, illicit and designer drug manufacturing, k2, heroine, etc, gun smuggling, prostitution rings, massage parlors, happy endings, new clear weapons, bio terrorism, surveillance, pedophile rings, human cloning, food fakery, and more. They are a world wide family with headquarters all over the world.

Back to Raya whose is voiced my Kelly Marie Tran Loan Tran who played in both Star Wars and Raya. Her character is Rose in the Last Jedi and Rise of Skywalker. Remember her freeing those enslaved animals at the casino in Episode 8 along with Finn. Many thought this was random to the story, but when you understand what is really going on with her role. That’s why so many children are being found as part of the child sex trafficking and many mobsters are being arrested around the world.

Look out for hands signs, numbers, slavery, and freedom. The Book of Changes is the mystical book that predicts the “Change” the construction, the change of guard, money system etc.

The new 2016 Silk road is part of this plot where DMX plays the role of Silk, casino and club waterfront owner in Oakland, C.

The Whole Middle East has been destabilized to build the actual Express train from China to Europe’s door way. IT crosses land and Sea through Africa, India, Persia, parts of Russia...Red Sea. This is huge and Romeo Must Die predicted it back in 2000.

The big Heroine and Opiates epidemic is also crafted in the hands of the Try Ads and affiliates. The big White Horse in the room and White pony, snow trafficked into Mexico and up to North America is powered by this Force to truly be acknowledged. Yet nobody is talking about these things.

You’d be surprised what kids cartoons can teach you, if you know what to look for.

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kagethedream · 5 years ago

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Kage’s Profile

general info ––– –

Full name: Kage (no one has learned his surname) Face Claim: Sebastian Stan Age: definitely older than 100 but younger than 300 Date of birth: December 27th Race: Ren’dorei Zodiac: Capricorn Chinese zodiac : Goat Gender: cis male Sexual Orientation: poly-amorous; gay Relationship status: Single

appearance ––– –

Height: 6’0” Weight: 174lbs Build: slender, soft (almost androgynous) Eye color: varies Hair color: varies (currently deep blue with purple metallic undertones) Skin tone: the sort that can go from grey/blue to grey/purple; pale Distinguishing marks:several piercings to include- tongue, septum, lft eyebrow, nipples, dolphin (below the waist) Common Accessories: belt with hidden compartments; mug of ever filling (typically with bourbon or mead inside); several trinkets (he loves them and has many) Jewelry:

Rings- 4 in total; all magical

Necklaces- half a dozen or so, all with magical charms dangling

Bracelets- only 1; not magical with sigil

Body jewelry- some magical some not (see about for locations)

personal ––– –

Profession: several- Nefarious Dream (brothel) proprietor; procurer; p.i.; magic manipulator; soul catcher; shady dealer (inquire privately) Hobbies: pyromancy, sex, drinking, drugs Languages: Thalassian, Orcish, Goblin, Common Residence: varies (due to frequent travel) Birthplace: Quel’thalas Religion: the Old Gods within the Void Patron Deity: one of the Old Gods, not to be mentioned Fears: the Void will move on and not take this world

favorites/ themes ––– –

Favorite color: blue Favorite food: meat, cooked rare Favorite drink: bourbon or mead Theme song: I Surrender by All Good Things Favorite tv show: You (if tv were in the wow world) Favorite book: The Picture of Dorian Grey by Oscar Wilde Favorite animals: dogs Favorite season: Summer

family ––– –

He doesn’t speak much about his family, though he has mentioned that the Scourge did take his father.

traits ––– -

extroverted / introverted / in between. disorganized / organized / in between. close minded / open-minded / in between. calm / anxious / in between. disagreeable / agreeable / in between. cautious / reckless / in between. patient / impatient / in between. outspoken / reserved / in between. leader / follower / in between. empathetic / unemphatic / in between. optimistic / pessimistic / in between. traditional / modern / in between. hard-working / lazy / in between. cultured / un-cultured / in between. loyal / disloyal / unknown / in between. faithful / unfaithful / unknown / in between.

additional information ––– –

Smoking Habit: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess. Drugs: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess. Alcohol: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess.

---------------------

RP HOOKS:

Smuggling goods? He might want a look to purchase some. Drug manufacturer? He’s always on the lookout for new suppliers. Looking for that high? He carries a variety of drugs on him at any given time. Need some diversion? Any sort of conversation is suitable. Looking for some company? If he’s not into you, then he’ll point you in the right direction. Into pain? Could be sexual or not, he offers sessions. House haunted? He’ll get rid of that pesky spirit for you, for a charge. Need a trinket enchanted? He’s your man, er... elf. Looking for a job and are willing to earn the coin he’ll pay? Ask him about Nefarious Dream. These are just a few of the ways you could engage him with role play. Thanks for reading! Looking forward to the character connections with this elf.

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rjzimmerman · 4 years ago

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Excerpt from this story from EcoWatch:

In January of 2019, a concerned citizen in Marion County, Florida noticed something strange: Someone was trapping flying squirrels.

The anonymous tipster notified the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission (FWC), launching a 19-month investigation that uncovered an elaborate flying-squirrel trafficking operation in which up to 3,600 of the protected animals were captured and sold as part of the international illegal wildlife trade.

"Wildlife conservation laws protect Florida's precious natural resources from abuse," the investigation's section leader Maj. Grant Burton said in an FWC press release Monday. "The concerned citizen who initially reported this activity started an investigation that uncovered a major smuggling operation. These poachers could have severely damaged Florida's wildlife populations."

The investigation has so far uncovered seven suspects. Together, the group has racked up 25 felony charges including racketeering, money laundering and scheming to defraud.

"With the exception of one individual, all those involved have been arrested, so we felt it was the right time to highlight this case," FWC spokeswoman Shannon Knowles told the Miami Herald.

The arrests took place between April and August of this year and include four men from Florida and two men from Georgia. In addition to targeting flying squirrels, the Florida suspects also caught and sold protected freshwater turtles and alligators, FWC said.

All told, the poachers set at least 10,000 squirrel traps throughout central Florida over a three year period.

#flying squirrels #poaching

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dailycharacteroption · 6 years ago

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Sentinel (Ranger Archetype)

All rangers are predators of a sort. Most venture in the wilds, mastering the prey within. However, there are those that turn their hunting prowess towards civilization, such as the so-called “urban rangers.”

Today, however, we’re looking at a specialized hunter of sorts, a ranger that not only chases their quarry in the form of criminals and the like, but also keeps a defensive mind, acting as guardians.

True to their name, sentinels are guardians, putting their ranger training to good use. They might be town guard, or elite bodyguards, but either way they not only protect individuals and settlements, but also single out and hunt down known enemies.

A large number of guards in your setting might use this archetype, or it might be used only by a select few. Either way, foes will be hard pressed to slip anything by them.

Deception and disguise are common tools in the arsenal of criminals and the like. To combat this, these rangers learn to analyze and memorize details from accurate depictions of their enemies, to better notice them in crowds or recognize them through disguises.

Furthermore, villains use various other forms of trickery to escape notice, such as invisibility, silence, or even spells that eliminate odors. However, only the most thorough methods are fully effective against a sentinel, for they have perfected the art of taking in their surroundings with so much focus that they enter a trance-like, immobile state, potentially perceiving foes with all their senses, negating the advantage of such stealthy tricks. However, doing so is mentally and physically exhausting, potentially weakening them as they spend hours immobile without even stopping to rest.

Most rangers eventually learn to home in on prey they have seen, tracking them and striking true against their quarry, but they must see them first. However, as long as a sentinel knows that one of their memorized targets has been there, they don’t need to have seen them first to achieve that hunting focus, reading their trail based on what they know of their stature and physicality.

For the most part you can build these rangers any way you wish, but as guardians, things like the bodyguard feat line might be good ideas. Just keep in mind that you don’t gain hunters bond, so builds that rely on an animal companion or buffing allies with your various class feature buffs are out the window.

Whether they are guardians that protect important places and people, or if they are law enforcement agents that hunt criminals and lurk in stakeouts, these rangers are typically the very picture of a guardsman. However, they need not be so, some sentinels might be bounty hunters, or may work as criminals themselves, hunting the enemies of their organization and protecting their assets.

According to Novir law, as a descendant of a genie, the sylph Na’Kanasa can be enslaved like her elemental kin, so she spent her entire youth being groomed for the role of slave-sentinel. While she excelled at the role, the air within her demanded to be free, so when she saw the opportunity, she ran.

Following a smuggling operation into the sewers, the sentinels discover something darker than rum-runners in the tunnels, a foul sewer blight having taken control of the smuggling ring last year. Now, with half the sentinels dead and the rest bedridden with disease, it falls upon the party to put the foul living poison to rest.

It’s a race between two adventuring parties to collect the bounty of a fleeing crime lord, and our heroes will have to contend with a cast or rivals as diverse as their own. An oracle cursed with a transmutating curse slowly turning them into a statue, a merfolk archer that rides a magical disk of force, a wizard awakened from suspended animation, and their leader, a sentinel with his eyes set on a man who, by all accounts, is already dead.

#pathfinder #archetype #ranger #sentinel #blight #sewer blight #sylph #Ultimate Intrigue

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eternallyyoungjustice · 6 years ago

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Wherever the Winds Take You: Chapter 8

A/N: As promised, here we are. This one’s probably going to be the shortest chapter this time around at just under 3k words (hard to believe that would have been considered a long chapter in the old instalment). Also, I’d love to get some feedback from those reading, good or bad. I’m always looking for new ways to improve and I want your guys’ opinions/ideas ;)

Deléson, France

July 8

16:02

As Lina waited just outside of the old building on the empty field lot, she found herself floating anxiously outside it's threshold and pulling anxiously at a strand of hair.

The cool early afternoon breeze that blew around her was lovely for floating, but it was also very cold and gave the French girl goosebumps despite the denim jacket she wore. The girl yanked at the hem of her sundress, which she was now regretting wearing with the wind.

Casual street attire, or as Wally like to call them 'civvies', felt alienish on her flesh. Being in the presence of the Justice League and her comrades without her uniform? That just seemed odd to her. She felt that it blended the line between 'Lina Dubois' and 'Zephyr'. So much so that, just to add a little bit of normalcy, she had worn the gold sash that usually was worn around the waist of her uniform. It helped ground her, and she was thankful for it.

As the zeta-tube beside her whirred to life and announced Red Tornado's designation, Lina suddenly snapped to attention. Her hands dropped to her sides, her shoulders straightened, and her feet made contact with the ground. When the shape of a large man began to appear, Lina to an excited step toward the figure.

"So?" Lina asked once Red Tornado had fully formed. She was bouncing on the balls of her feet. "What's happening?"

"I am to escort you to the decided location, where you will be given the 'run down'." The robot explained.

Lina quirked an eyebrow, tipping her head to the side like an animal. "And what location is this?"

Red Tornado paused, then replied. "Happy Harbor."

Lina's mind automatically began to race. Happy Harbor? Why did that name sound so familiar? She must have read it in the League's files somewhere…but what made it special.

"Oh, the sea currents are so nice there…" A cheerful voice rang out.

"So much nicer that the stuffy Paris air." Another, stricter voice sounded.

Lina paid the voices no mind as she happily bobbed over to the computer, wasting no time as it read of both her and her mentor's names and numbers.

Mount Justice, Happy Harbor

July 8

8:30

Mount Justice.

The answer to Lina's question had been ‘Mount Justice’.

The original HQ for the League, before an informant accidentally disclosed their location and it was attacked by the Joker and his evil Joker Venomed Monkeys. Mount Justice appeared to be as advertised, a mountain. But the reality of it lay in the bottom foundation where a hollowed out cave was secured tightly. It was right on the water, so mixed with the smell of wet rock and metal was the salty scent of the sea.

Even inside, Lina could feel the cool yet friendly sea currents. They were marvelous. Almost wonderous enough to distract from the fact that she; along with Kaldur, Robin, Wally, and Superboy, were all standing in a row and being spoken to by the co-leader of the Justice League himself.

"This cave was the original secret sanctuary for the Justice League's operations. We are calling it into service again." Batman explained. "Since you five are determined to stay and fight the good fight; you'll do it on League terms."

"Red Tornado volunteered to live here and be your supervisor. Black Canary is in charge of training."

Although she raised an eyebrow and sent a quick glance at her two teachers, Lina felt at ease. She knew both's teaching methods and personal principles. Red would be level-headed, a good den mother, but he also leaves people to do and learn on their own, lets them lead their own lives. He wouldn't try to control the team, he trusted them. And Dinah, although tough, was a great martial arts teacher. She could be the motherly, but strict hand the team needed for adult guidance.

"I will deploy you on missions." Batman explained.

"Real missions?" Robin asked.

"Yes, but covert." The Bat explained.

"The League will handle the obvious stuff." Flash piped in, and then tapped on his lightning-themed insignia. "There's a reason we have these targets on our chests."

"But Cadmus proves the bad guys are getting smarter." Aquaman explained. "Batman needs a team that can operate on the sly."

"So we're the Justice League's spies now?" Lina thought to herself. "Doesn't sound too bad…"

"The six of you will be that team." Batman finished.

"Cool!" Robin exclaimed, then recoil. "Wait…six?"

Batman turned, and all five teens looked past to see Martian Manhunter stepping forward, accompanied by a young Martian girl. She couldn't have been older than 16 judging by her appearance, green skin the same time as the man beside her, shoulder-length red hair, a face full of freckles, and a tentative but friendly smile. Her outfit was much like the Manhunter's as well, red X on the chest included, only hers appeared to look more like a white t-shirt and blue skirt.

"This is Miss Martian, Martian Manhunter's niece." Batman explained.

"Hello." The Martian girl greeted shyly.

"Oh mon dieu! Finally!" Lina exclaimed, throwing her hands up in victory. "We finally get another young, female hero!"

She heard Dinah let out a snort of laughter, and Miss Martian's smile seemed to widen at the welcome. But the moment was cut off by Wally leaning over to Robin and fake-whispering.

"Liking this gig more every minute." He muttered, then raced over to the new recruit. "Welcome aboard! I'm Kid Flash. That's Zephyr, Robin, Aqualad, Superboy; it's cool if you forget their names."

"I'm honoured to be included." Miss Martian replied with a shy nod.

"Awww." Lina thought. "She's super cute!" The French girl smiled back and flew closer, taking the alien's hands in her own. "Please, ignore Kid Mouth. We're honoured to have you here, seriously."

The green girl blushed, and something seemed to spark in her reddish-hue eyes. "Thank you."

"Hey Superboy!" Robin called out, and Lina turned her head to see that the clone had been the only one not to step up to greet the new girl. Turning away, Lina gently let go of Miss Martian's hands and faced everyone. As Superboy stepped forward, a small blush seemed to grow on the green skin of the Martian. Then, her white t-shirt faded to a dark black, the same tone as the red ‘S' shirt the clone wore.

"I-I like your t-shirt." The girl stuttered.

Feeling his gaze on her, Lina looked up to see Kaldur peering down at her. The moment their eyes met, they knew what they both wanted to say.

"The team has found its couple"

After a moment where Robin elbowed Superboy in the ribs and Wally slung his arm around the boy of steel's shoulder, Kaldur broke his gaze with Lina to look at everyone.

"Today is the day." He spoke.

And everyone knew that he was right.

As everyone broke off and began to chat; Robin, Wally, Lina, and Kaldur grouped together, the youngest two with a scheming look in their knitted brows.

“We’re missing someone.” Robin whispered. “We should try to talk to Seedy-Roy-again.”

“Once we explain this great gig, he’ll have to want to join, right?” Wally asked. “I mean, it’s been nearly four days. Surely he’s calmed down a little.”

Lina and Kaldur looked back to one another, silently communicating. Both of them had reached out to their friend, with varying degrees of success. But the probability that Roy would leave his anger and betrayal behind him and move on…

“We may not have the best chances.” Lina shrugged. “But I’m more than willing to try, we have to.”

Kaldur nodded. “Agreed. Last we spoke, he was working on getting the best of an illegal weapons smuggling ring, run by a man named ‘The Brick’.”

“The Brick, real name Daniel Brickwell. One of Green Arrow’s rogues.” Wally nodded, recalling the man’s file. Robin pulled up his holo-watch.

“According to bat/league files, there’s been talk on the streets about a new shipment of weapons coming in a little over a week...in Star City.” Robin read in a whisper.

“Then Roy will definitely be there.” Lina spoke as she propped her hands on her hips.

“And so shall we.” Kaldur added, nodding at all of his comrades.

Star City

July 17

23:16

The shipment came just as it had been predicted, located on an old fishermen dock that hadn’t been legitimately in-use for upwards of five years. But according to League files, the place was popular amongst gangs for covert overseas shipments. Just like the one that was going down tonight.

There was only a small team handling the illegal weapons, which gave everyone the feeling this wasn’t going to be a fair fight.

As two men carried out the first crate, an arrow shot down at their feet and began releasing a thick gas. The men dropped the box, causing one of the guns inside to topple onto the gravel ground, sliding straight to the feet of a man that was easily seven feet tall, and thick with muscle. Dark red skin the colour of baked clay, and light hair pulled into tight dreadlocks; The Brick kicked the gun up into his hands.

Aiming the pistol, The Brick quickly spotted his target. Up on top of a crane, a redheaded male not yet a man, but too old to be a boy. He was dressed in a familiar red and yellow tunic, but the absence of a feathered hat made re his outfit appear incomplete.

"You again!" Brick bellowed. "I'm starting to get insulted Green Arrow's not messing up my operations personally!"

Brick shot at Roy, who easily dodged by flipping onto a nearby piece of metal and as shots continued to fly at him he ran across a bridge, loading up his bow. When the arrow was notched, he whipped around and fired; the arrow meeting its target and blowing up the gun and the air around it.

Brick faltered, looking down at the shredded pieces of cloth hanging from his body that used to be suit.

"Do you know what I pay for for a suit in my size." The giant man bellowed, then turned to the four men beside him. "Scorch the Earth boys."

But just as the men took out their pistols, two of the gangbangers were knocked out by a yellow blur. As the other two directed their aim at the direction the blur had escaped, their guns were knocked out of their hands with flying metal projectiles. The two men went to step back, but they were stopped by a dark-skinned boy with glowing arm tattoos slashing them in the chests with whips made of water.

Brick, angered that he had become outnumbered, dug his hands into the Earth, pulled up a chunk of it, and launched it at the redhead from before.

But just as the boulder of concrete was about to hit the archer, a young girl dressed in yellow and gold flew out and waved her hands, whisking the boulder safely to the edge of the dock.

"Speedy." The girl greeted, throwing a look over her shoulder.

"Zephyr." The archer replied.

As Brick threw another boulder of concrete, Kaldur leapt up and sliced through them with his water swords as if it were warm butter. Just as the young heroes were in the clear, Roy shot an arrow at Brick which erupted into the same thick smoke as before.

"The cave is perfect, it has everything the team will need." Kaldur explained.

"For covert missions." Robin added, popping behind them seemingly from nowhere. "Y'know, spy stuff."

"Plus I have it on good authority that our only supervisor isn't the, as you say, 'helicopter parent' type." Lina explained. "No overbearing Leaguer watching over our shoulders."

"And wait 'till you see Superboy and Miss. Martian…" Wally pipped up, running up the side of the wall they were on, "but I saw her first!"

With a loud and angry roar emitting from their adversary, the five young adults turned to see Brick wrenching another piece of concrete free.

Moving on instinct, Lina flew forward and created a bubble around her and her friends. The boulder crashed into it and promptly crumbled.

Once the bubble was released, Roy ran out and sent a barrage of arrows to the giant-sized man, but they only succeeded in causing him to lose his footing.

"Tell Arrow not to send boys to do a man's job." Brick growled.

"Uh, rude." Lina thought, but shook it off.

Roy glared as he loaded another arrow, aiming straight at Brick. Grinning, the man opened his arms to welcome the attack.

"Go ahead."

With a sharp 'thwap' the arrow met the redish man's chest and a thick, lumpy substance emitted from the point, quickly beginning to engulf the man until he could no longer move.

Regrouping around Roy; Robin, Kaldur, and Lina found themselves behind the archer while Wally zoomed in front to observe the damage.

"High-density polyurethane foam, nice!" Wally spoke as he gave the archer a thumbs-up.

Roy gave the boy a curt nod and then turned, walking towards a gap in the shipment containers surrounding them.

"So Speedy, you in?" Robin asked.

There was a long pause as Roy stopped, sending a look to Kaldur and Lina. The look he gave them was friendly, but distant.

"Pass." Now he was addressing everyone. "I'm done letting Arrow and the League tell me what to do. I don't need a babysitter, or a clubhouse to 'hang out' with the other kids. You're just playing their game, this is something they're doing to keep you busy and 'in your place'." As he began to walk away, the shadows seemed to swallow him up. "If you guys want to run around and play Jr. Justice League, be my guest...but I don't want any part in it."

And then he was gone.

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empressofrizalia · 6 years ago

Text

Mahou Sensei MSPA-tan! Chapter 1: Welcome to Alterra Academy!

[For you folks out there who are still thirsty for MSPA Reader content after the end of Friendsim. Hope you don’t mind the AU.]

You fuss about with your robes as you stand on your spot in the front row along with probably a hundred other students in the Grand Auditorium of Skaia Universal Institute of Thaumaturgy, or SUIT for short. Thaumaturgy, in lay man’s terms, is a fancy-schmancy word for the study of ‘majyyk’. Yup, that’s right. Majyyk is a thing on Planet Earth, or at least in this iteration of Earth. They are are not to be confused with ‘magic’, which is completely fake and only good for performing at lame children’s parties. There are a lot of schools all over that are devoted to imparting the arcane, miraculous, and once forbidden knowledge to children everywhere. You are one of those children.

The sound of crisp purposeful footsteps on a stone floor catches your and your classmates’ attention. You look up the stage to see Headmaster Wiseman walking along the stage and onto the podium set at the middle while the school faculty stand on either side of him a few feet away. Supposedly, it would be proper to describe the appearance of any important character that comes along in a story, though in this case, there is just no point in wasting words and energy. The geezer was basically Gandalf from Lord of the Rings. Of course, that is to say, he looked so much like Gandalf that he might as well be Gandalf. All majyyk school headmasters were Gandalf.

The Hall fall silent in anticipation as Headmaster Gan—er, Wiseman fondly regards everyone.

“Today marks the end of yet another era,” he said in his old wizened voice. “Congratulations, batch of 2612 graduates! You have all done well these past seven years.”

You smile, feeling proud of yourself. All those years of hard studying led to this glorious moment. Soon, you’ll be well on your way to become a Grandmaster Mage, the highest position of honor all wizards/witches/mages/whatever aspire to gain. Not bad for a kid like you who’s just starting on the chapters of puberty while everyone else around you had already finished.

“However,” the Headmaster continues, “Graduation doesn’t mean an end to learning.” All the graduates, including yourself, gave him puzzled looks. What does he mean by that?

“Your real training into becoming civilized members of society, begins now. Once I call your name, step up and receive your diploma.” Your batchmates get called one by one. As your last name is somewhere near the end of the alphabet, it would be a while before you get your turn. Sooner or later, the sound of names being called turn into a dull monotonous droning in your ears. Your eyelids begin to feel heavy.

“MSPA Reader…” Your head lolled to the side as drowsiness slowly takes over you.

“MSPA Reader?” A jab at your side startles you awake. You look to the side where the jab came from and you made eye contact with a batchmate who tells you to get your ass up on stage already. Realization hits you like an empty bottle to the head and you hurry up to the front with your face flushed from embarrassment. The rest of the event goes on without a hitch.

As with nearly everything else in a majyyk school, a graduate’s diploma is more than just a simple fancy roll of paper saying you’ve accomplished some grueling years of hunching down with your nose buried in a dusty old tome or waving a stick around. In the majyyk world, a graduate’s diploma isn’t only a mark of achievement, but also an aid for deciding the new full fledged mage next step towards their future. You unroll the parchment to take that first look upon your destiny. The words appear with a flash the minute it was spread wide open.

"ALIEN TEACHER"

Eh?

EEEEEEEEEEEH?!

This has got to be a mistake! You need to have a word with the Headmaster right away!

“A teacher, eh? For aliens?” said Headmaster Wiseman, taking a sip of his earl gray tea. “Well, if that’s what it says in your diploma, then that’s the end of the matter. You must train hard in order to become a great mage.”

There has to be some kind of misunderstanding! Don’t real teachers, majyykal or otherwise, need some kind of license to be able to teach at any respectable educational facility? Plus, you’re only thirteen! And what is this about aliens?!

“Now calm down. There’s no reason for you to fret,” said the Headmaster. “The principal of the school you’ll be assigned to is a friend of mine. She’ll get you up to speed in no time. Just do you best and you’ll be fine.”

Okay…

“Good. Now get out of my office.”

A few days later, you’re dressed up in your best suit with a handful of your belongings stuffed in a single suitcase and on board a plane going from the Big Island of Hawaii to a place called the Alterra Islands. From what you’ve heard from whispers and read and watched from the internet (mages here aren’t as averse to modern science and technology), Alterra was a chain of man-made islands smack dab in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. It was made to help foster relations between the humans of planet Earth and the aliens of planet Alternia. Yes, aliens… You have found that they’re also a thing on Earth… and the universe. Apparently more than a decade ago, the Alternians—or trolls as they called themselves—first arrived to Earth as refugees fleeing from the civil war raging on their homeworld. They were sick, hurting, and desperate from their long journey. Their leader, a male troll named the Signless, was the one to initiate first contact between them and the humans. He was willing to trade their tech and ships in exchange for food and the care of the well-being of other trolls with him. With the help of a renowned wealthy polymath, the trolls were slowly acclimating to life on earth, though it wasn’t without its own set of problems. To make a long story short, people can be dicks.

The flight from Hawaii to Alterra didn’t take long. After a couple of hours, you disembark the plane and went on to look for your guide who was mentioned to be waiting for you at the airport. You look around and see an adult male troll with nubby horns and red eyes dressed in a similar respectable fashion as you though the had a gray vest rather than a jacket with a candy red tie and had the sleeves of his dress shirt folded to his elbows. He carried a sign with your name on it. That must be him. You walk over and introduce yourself.

“So you’re the new teacher? I gotta say, I didn’t think you’d be so young,” he said. He seemed like such an amicable fellow. You admit that you were scared of him at first since you've never spoken to a troll before.

He gives a friendly chuckle. “Don’t worry about it. Once you get settled, you’ll be spending a lot of your time talking to trolls. You’ll get used to it in no time. By the way, I’m Kankri Vantas. I teach Social Studies at the academy. You may have also heard of me as the Signless around the time of the first contact.” You nod as you stare at him in awe. He became quite the celebrity after the first contact, an icon for peaceful relations between human and trollkind. You have no idea why he was called ‘Signless’, but you decided not to ponder about it too much. You never thought he’d be the one guiding you of all people.

“Anyway, shall we go? The principal of the school you’ll be teaching in is expecting you.”

The two of you leave the airport with him taking the lead. Mr. Vantas takes you to a cab that had been standing in wait. He takes the seat next to the human driver while you get settled on the backseat. Once you leave the airport grounds, he begins to give you a little basic information.

Alterra is a little chain of four main islands that serve as the home base for the troll residents as well as their embassy on Earth. The islands each host a division of Alterra Academy. The middle school division where you’ll be working is built on Isle-2 where you are currently on. On average, there are about seventy-thousand students earn their education on Alterra, ranging from kindergarten to university levels. Most of the students are young trolls who hatched on Earth. There are human students as well who are usually the children of the humans who worked on the Islands. Each island also has their own facilities for food and utility production, waste management, justice system, and a local economy—pretty much everything that can qualify Alterra as its own little sovereign nation. Though international trading was limited to a whole line of products that suited the needs of their fellow trolls living on other nations. The construction of the islands was commissioned solely by a billionaire explorer named Jake Harley, who you remember to also be the main sponsor for SUIT. Could it be that he’s also a mage like you?

You looked out the window as Mr. Vantas babbled on. You marveled at the lush greenery that was teeming with strange wildlife. Some resembled Earth animals, some seemed more like mythical creatures, the rest were downright strange. Mr. Vantas explains to you that those creatures were the lusii that were smuggled from Alternia. Your eyes nearly bug out upon hearing that as you spot one of larger creatures snap its jaws on a smaller one and proceed to tear it apart. These creatures were supposed to care for children?! Was Mr. Vantas raised by one of them?

“Yes, it has been that way since the beginning. Adult trolls aren’t best suited to care for young… with a few rare exceptions…” He went on to explain about trolls with jade blood who along with taking care of the Mother Grub who lays the eggs for the troll species, care for newly-hatched trolls or grubs to prepare them for their trials. And the fact that he was raised by one since grubhood despite the fact that he should have been culled instead due to his mutant blood color. You turn your attention back up front to see the somber expression in his eyes through the rear-view mirror. You have learned about the different castes trolls have according to their blood color a few days before your departure via web search. It was quite strange, but the cruel hierarchy built on it was anything but pleasant. No wonder Mr. Vantas and his followers went to rebel.

“Oh, sorry. I got a bit carried away. Am I bumming you out?” He asked, snapping from his reverie. You tell him that it’s fine. It’s okay to be sad every now and then.

A little while later you spot a bunch of tall fancy buildings coming up in the distance. Your ride gets closer until it stops by large metal gate bearing a shield emblem bearing a spirograph between a pair of stylized wings with a banner underneath bearing the words: Alterra Academy in Times New Roman capitals. You get off the taxi and stared at the school in wonder as Mr. Vantas addressed the security guards who opened the gates to let you in. Is this really a school? The structure of the buildings remind you of a scenic European town, though the roads were void of any vehicle save for a few cable cars. Teenagers, both troll and human, walked around in gray and black uniforms heading for the same direction up north. You get a lot of stares while your guide gets a lot of smiles and greetings. After a moment, Mr. Vantas hails a cable car for the both of you.

“In case you were wondering, this is the student town,” he says after sitting down next to you. “This is where the student dormitories, shops, and recreational facilities are. The school building is further forward.”

The ride is peaceful for the most part as the cable car moved at a steady pace, but then a little later, you notice a hoard of students coming in running and rushing. Some were riding on skates and skateboards, taking the back rail of the cable car to tag along. Others were driving automobiles despite being definitely underage. Some were riding on the backs of what you guessed were their lusii. And there were some who are even flying! Had you been an average Joe, that last part would really surprise you. It’s a good thing you’re a mage. Anything is possible with the power of majyyk! You’ve thought of using it to send yourself to the straight to the principal’s office, but alas, teleportation only works if you have a clear picture of your destination, which you don’t.

Your cable car is soon stuffed with more students to near bursting. What the hell is happening?

Your answer came in the form of a public announcement: “To all students: this is the Guidance Committee,” says a woman’s voice with a New Jersey accent. “This week is Zero Late Attendances Week, and it’s only ten minutes before the bell. Let’s hurry it up!” Oh, that’s why. “Any students late this week will be issued yellow cards! Please try to arrive with plenty of time to spare!”

You could hear Mr. Vantas laughing. “Haha! I love Zero Late Week. It gets so lively!”

That’s great and all, but shouldn’t you hurry up too? It wouldn’t look good on you as a teacher to be late to your first class.

“It’s alright, Mx. Reader. As a teacher, you’re allowed to be late for ten minutes at the very least. Any later, and not only does your class get canceled, you’ll get a mark on your record. Do it enough times, and you’ll get slapped on with a hefty fine. We can't have our educators and role models slacking off and leaving a bad impression on our dear students now, don't we. But you seem like a punctual sort, I’m sure you’ll do fine.”

That’s nice. Ten minutes was enough time to run and buy a breakfast sandwich or a tall coffee before getting to class when running late for any reason. Cooking isn’t one of your strong suits.

A minute later, you feel a tickling sensation in your nose. You try hard to fight the urge to sneeze, for it’s simply impolite to blow your nose around company.

AACHOO!!

You fail miserably. So miserably that with an uncontrolled burst of majyyk, you somehow manage to create a draft strong enough to not only flip the skirts of the surrounding female students all at once, but also make the cable car jump an inch off the rail it was on. The girls blab to each other in slight panic while others berate the boy passengers, accusing them of being perverts for peeking at their undergarments. Mr. Vantas turns to look out the window with a blush on his cheeks.

“Bless you?” he says, sounding quite unsure of what had just transpired. You thank him and apologize as you pull out a handkerchief to wipe the snot dribbling down your nose.

The Principal’s Office is quite spacious. The floors and the ornamental window frames where made of polished wood. The decor approach was rather minimal—just a desk, a chair, a coffee table, a red two-person suede couch, a few paintings depicting famous comedians along the walls, and a couple of bookshelves full of books (mostly about baking, practical japery, and mystery novels) and knick-knacks. Mr. Vantas had left you alone so he can attend to his other duties.

“Why, if it isn’t our new teacher, hoo hoo!” the principal of Alterra Academy, a jolly elderly woman named Jane Egbert according to the nameplate on her desk. “Welcome to Alterra.”

You give a polite bow. It’s nice to meet you.

“Headmaster Wiseman has told me about you. Graduating at only thirteen? You’re quite the prodigy.” You blush at her flattery. Shucks, ma’am. You don’t have to go through that.

“Hoo hoo! Now there’s no need to be so modest. Wiseman tells me your diploma told you to be a teacher for aliens for your post-grad training, is it not? Then you’ve been given quite the task.”

You agree. It was truly odd that a kid like you would be assigned such a grown-up job. Though everyone in the room understands that there was absolutely nothing that can be done about it.

“I’m not going to lie, Mx. Reader, this job will probably be difficult.” Principal Egbert’s voice took a slight serious tone. “If it’s too hard for you, you’ll have to return home. And there’ll be no second chances. Are you prepared to accept that?”

This was it. There’s no turning back. You’ve gone through a lot, and spent a lot just to get the ticket to fly to this place. The kid side of you thinks that it’ll be too much to handle and it's better to just go back home, but the budding adult side of you screams at you to not back down of the first real challenge life has thrown at you. You want to be the greatest mage in the world, do you? Then you might as well swallow your kiddy pride, stand up straight, clench your asscheeks, and say, “I’ll do it!”

“Bravo! Then it’s settled.” Principal Egbert clapped her hands, happy at your answer. “But first and foremost, you must gain some practical experience. Let’s make it from today to March.”

Of course!

“We’ll begin today. Let me just page the Staff Guidance Officer to get you started.” She pushes a button on the telephone at a corner of her desk and calls for a Ms. Porrim Maryam to come to the Principal’s Office. You sat down on the couch as you wait. A couple of minutes later, the door opens and someone steps in.

It was another troll, a lady troll to be exact. Her horns are much longer and pointier than Mr. Vantas’ with one of them being hooked. Her short cropped hair is styled neatly to accentuate her narrow face and perfect cheekbones. Like him, she’s dressed in a professional yet stylish manner with her white blouse, jade green maxi skirt, and black high heels.

“Are you in need of assistance, principal?” she asks in a soft kind voice and makes note of your presence. “And who might you be? A new student, perhaps?”

“I’m fine, Ms. Maryam,” the principal replies. “That child, however, is actually a new teacher here at the academy.”

Ms. Maryam covers her mouth with a dainty manicured hand in mild surprise. “Really? But you’re so young.” If you had a penny for every time someone commented about your age, you'd have three pennies. Maybe more in the near future, but for now you have to settle with three.

You explain your situation to Ms. Maryam who relaxes a bit. “I see. Can’t say I still approve, but if that’s what has been decided and it can help you in some way, then I won’t object. Though if there’s something you don’t understand, please feel free to consult me.” You nod. You’re going to need all the help you can get.

“Hoo hoo!” Principal Egbert chuckles. “Now that everything’s said and done, you may take this class roster,” she hands over a booklet to you. “Your assigned homeroom is Class 413. Ms. Maryam can show you the way.” Ms. Maryam’s jade eyes seem to widen in astonishment at the mention of Class 413. The principal just gives her a knowing look in return. You can’t help but wonder if there was something no one is telling you, or are willing to tell you. You take a moment to wonder if taking this teaching gig was really a good idea. You then catch yourself and shake off the terrible quitter thoughts creeping into your mind. You can do this. You’ve already agreed you can do this.

Your mind was still preoccupied by the thoughts of Class 413 as you and Ms. Maryam walked within the silent halls of the school, passing classroom after classroom. Each one of them had glass pane windows so you could see a typical class setting that often consists of mixed troll and human students being taught by either a troll or human teacher.

Ms. Maryam seemed wary the minute Principal Crocker brought them up. Even as she walked next to you, her posture seemed somewhat rigid and there was a furrow on her brow.

You decided to just get on with it and ask her what Class 413 was like.

“Hm? Oh, I’m sorry. I suppose you deserve to know at the very least since you’ll be serving as their homeroom teacher.” She hesitates for a bit. “Class 413 is… a tad problematic.”

Problematic? That could mean a lot of things, most of which aren’t very good. Is she saying that you got stuck with a class full of delinquents?

“No, not per se,” Ms. Maryam says. She then stops walking, so do you. Is there something wrong?

She swivels her head around, possibly looking for other presences in the hall. Then she turned back to look straight into your eyes. There was an serious look on them you didn’t think you’d see on someone with a motherly temperament. “Listen closely,” she says. “What I’m about to tell you is extremely confidential. No one else but the founder, the principal and a select few members of the staff and faculty, including myself, know of this. Not even Earth’s mainstream media knows anything. I’m going to tell you this since you’re going to be in charge of Class 413 for however long you’re here. But I ask that you promise to keep a tight lip on this subject. You do not, under any circumstances, reveal any of this to anyone. Do you understand?”

You say yes. Boy, this was intense. First day on the job and you’re already getting wrapped up in some kind of weird conspiracy.

Ms. Maryam gives you a warm smile. “I know I could trust you,” she says. “Alright, here it is. Around a perigee, or month before your arrival, a second Alternian spaceship crashed on this planet. Unlike the one our group escaped in, this one was much smaller, possibly a minor cruiser. It landed into the ocean not far from the islands. As far as the rest of this world is concerned, it was just a huge meteor. But for those who remember life on Alternia, we quickly realized what it truly was, and we immediately scrambled to retrieve it before it sank further into the deep depths. What we found after we forcibly opened it, shocked us.” She took a deep breath. She seems shaken about the subject, even a while after the incident.

“Children,” she continued. “We found children. They looked to be about to be six sweeps, or thirteen years old at the very least.”

Wow. That’s just terrible! You’re so shocked by this news that you can’t think of anything to describe what you’re really feeling right now other than shock. Those kids weren’t any older than you were and they somehow managed to escape their planet and into outer space all alone?

“To think that a group of children would go so far to flee from Alternia by themselves. It tells me—us—that things at the homeworld aren’t getting any better. Perhaps it’s getting worse. I’m not sure,” a somber Ms. Maryam says. “We took them in and decided that it would be best for them to try and acclimate to life here. From the way things look, they’re probably going to spend the rest of their lives on this planet. However, these wrigglers were hatched from Alternia, and they don’t take well to being in close proximity as an adult troll. Not even my Kankri could win them over. Frankly, I don’t blame them. Alternian adult trolls tend to be dangerous toward youngsters.”

You don’t know much about what Alternia was like, but from what you’re hearing in conjunction with what you’ve heard from Mr. Vantas and read from the internet, it sounded like a place that made Hell look like paradise resort in comparison. No offense.

“None taken. You’re right, actually. It’s why we fled in the first place.”

You suggest that if troll teachers aren't able to help those kids, why not try human teachers?

“We have already tried that as well. But humans aren’t well versed to Alternian social norms and cues. All attempts on successful rapport ended in disaster… for the humans. At this point, we’re at our wit’s end, but our founder constantly reminded us to never lose hope. He firmly believes that these wrigglers could be rehabilitated. Personally, I and a few others think so too.”

Ms. Maryam looks at you thoughtfully. “You know, I’m starting to think that perhaps your assignment as a teacher here may be more than a mere coincidence. Yes, I see now. Where the adults have failed, you might succeed. Given your relatable age, they’d probably be more willing to let their guard down and communicate with you.” Oh, cool. This might turn out to be easier than you thought. “But don’t get too comfortable. If you’re not careful, they’d walk all over you once given the opportunity. I suggest that you watch your back around them.” Welp, there go the last vestige of confidence you have left.

You both resume your walk, your hand tight around the class roster. You look up to see the numbers on the classrooms gradually climb up. Class 409… 410… 411… 412…

“Here we are.” You almost bump into Ms. Maryam when she stops in front of a classroom near the end of the hall. A sneak peek through the window shows you a room full of troll kids talking to each other, playing around, or just off doing their own thing. You’re not sure if there are any humans mixed in as you couldn’t see even a hint of peach, brown, or black in the sea of gray skin and candy corn horns. A troll boy with a pair of horns that oddly resembled flashlights takes notice of you and gives a flirty wink. You back away and draw closer to Ms. Maryam.

You take a moment to open your class roster and get a glimpse of your prospective students. You count a total of forty kids. That’s forty troll kids from the hellplanet Alternia. Forty troll kids who Ms. Maryam says might hurt either your body and ego (or both) should you allow it in any way. It must have taken a lot pedial put-downs to get them to sit still for their one-on-one photo-op to make this roster. Not all of them looked very happy.

But you don’t know, a fair lot of them also seem kind of nice. Maybe this isn’t going to be so bad after all.

“Make sure to remember their names and faces quickly, okay?” Ms. Maryam reminds you. You swallow a lump in your throat as you stood in front of the door, hands shaking. Can you really do this? Can you really teach so many alien kids like this? You take a deep breath to calm your nerves and reach for the knob of the wooden door. It’s now or never...

EXTRA

ALTERRA ACADEMY FACULTY & STAFF DOSSIER

Name: MSPA Reader

Age: 13 years

Occupation: Aspiring Grandmaster Mage, Alterra Academy newbie teacher

Notes:

-Shaped like a friend

-Junior majyyk user

-Protect them

~oOo~

Name: Kankri “The Signless” Vantas

Age: 16 solar sweeps/35 years

Blood Color: Candy/Human Red

Occupation: Alternian revolutionary/religious icon, Earth troll representative/ambassador, Alterra Academy Social Studies teacher

Notes:

-Love and equality for all

-Righteous leggings under professional garb

-Shouty when angered

~oOo~

Name: Porrim “Dolorosa” Maryam

Age: 35 solar sweeps/76 years

Blood Color: Jade Green

Sign: Virgo Occupation: Signless’ guardian/mother, Academy Staff Guidance Officer, Student Guidance Councilor

Notes:

-Team Mom

-Rumored to be a Rainbow Drinker/Troll vampire

~oOo~

Name: Jane Egbert, née Crocker

Age: 80 years

Occupation: Alterra Academy Principal

Notes:

-Ex-heiress to a baking empire

-Practical japerist

-Senior Sleuth

#fanfic #hiveswap #friendsim #mspa reader #negima au #troll call #ancestors #beta guardians

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bleachposting · 2 years ago

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my darling lil bleach ocs i make up stories about before i go to bed/when im walking/when im doing dishes --->

Five prodigious Soul Reapers in training band together through their shared affinity for everyday human items. Their self-proclaimed ‘Urahara Fan Club’ smuggles goods from the Land of the Living. Aika and Hiromi, the two ring leaders of the club, learn their connection goes much deeper than their time as souls.

Aika and Hiromi were essentially born from my pining for Urahara in his captain era. They come to in Soul Society together and retain a surprising amount of memories from their past lives as modern high school students. After encountering a Soul Reaper with the latest issue of their shared favourite pop culture magazine, they quickly learn that if they want treats from the living world they must become Soul Reapers.

It only takes them a few years (2-6 years, undecided for sake of timeline in Land of the Living) to be accepted to Soul Reaper Academy. Aika’s strengths lie in her physicality, quickly picking up swordsmanship and Kido alike. Hiromi’s strengths lie in his tactility, inventive not only in his battle strategies but in the literal. They first stumble across Urahara while researching passage between Soul Society and the Land of the Living. Restricted readings in a dated, disarrayed room, his portrait hanging amongst those of the old court guard casting a spell on the duo. When they learn that Urahara was banished to the living world, they know he’s their key to Land of the Living contraband.

Impressed by the youngsters’ ability to get a letter through to him through their own methods, (as well as their obvious reverence for him), Urahara admits them to his smuggling routes, the duo supplying his stock in exchange for magazines, handheld electronics and sweets. Under the guise of ‘club activities,’ Aika and Hiromi become a corrupting force in their year group. During class hours, they’re excelling students. Out of class hours, they run a punishable operation that hooks their peers on the thrill of acquiring items as simple as stationery.

If/When Aika and Hiromi graduate SRA, they’ll join Squad 9. Purely for the shallow reason of Hisagi Shuhei. (The era I set this in is post Tosen’s betrayal, but pre-Aizen fight so Ichigo is still a hap e boy SR and not a sad boye SR - I litearally don’t care that this doesn’t fit the tl im sorry). Aika and Hiromi are obviously impulsive. They’re products of the era of pop culture obsession after all. Subconsciously, they carry that energy of rambunctious anime protags who are selfish and selfless all within a half-hour episode, probably because they grew up with them.

Aika takes after Inoue the most. Her defining feature is the headphones she wears, her curly hair swallowing the headband so only the speakers are visible. In fact they barely appear to be headphones as they’re decorated to appear as though they were aesthetically-pleasing hair accessories (similar to Anya or Kagura’s). This works to Aika’s advantage - not that headphones are widely understood in Soul Society anyway.

Hiromi takes after Urahara the most. Initially, he has black hair but once the link between the living world and Soul Society is established, he starts bleaching it to emulate Urahara’s look. The roots on the tippy top of his head are always black though but with varying stages of regrowth. Hiromi purposefully emulates younger Urahara in every way, not only pushing his looks but pushing his mind as well. As time goes on, it’s constantly commented he’d be an asset to Squad 12 but Hiromi enjoys the field too much.

cont: 26/9

Aika has a lightning/thunder type Zanpakuto and Hiromi has a spatial-manipulation type Zanpakuto. Thanks to the tutelage of Urahara, both Aika and Hiromi have pulled off shikai/bankai as Soul Reapers in training, although this does not necessarily mean at a capacity to advantage them against opponents. Aika’s shikai is a charging stage for bankai, where she’s able to summon the blade as a lightning bolt. Initially though, the rumble of thunder after the strike is the key to Aika’s use of bankai. This is exactly why her headphones are key to her character design. i’m undecided on hiromi being able to achieve shikai or bankai but let’s be real, shikai only would be a lot more canon. Hiromi’s released Zanpakuto is (likely) a short and wide blunted blade with a distinctive grip (rn i envisioning a harp shape like mew mint’s but idk how to make that a blade in my head ANYWAY also similar to kurotsuchi’s zanpakuto). by drawing characters on the face of the blade with his fingers (which he does with his index and middle finger together bc that’s hot), he’s able to set objects and opponents in the direction he indicates. he is inspired by and forms a bond with Kira over the similarities of their Zanpakuto.

Aika and Hiromi are obviously in love with each other, being together for as long as they can recollect their time in Soul Society. Unabashedly candid about their status as best friends, but their romantic feelings for each other are never spoken aloud. In their circumstances, affection is confused for obligation. As just themselves, this is no issue. But as they integrate themselves into Soul Reaper Academy and eventually as Court Guards, their lack of communication as new comrades appear will eventually erode their relationship. This does not mean Aika and Hiromi are afraid of romance. In fact they’re notorious for gossiping about which Captains and Lieutenants they’re infatuated with and share very similar tastes.

If this were an anime, it would be just silly school/training shenanigans with arcs that focus on unpacking each character’s backstory. Essentially, how did each character come to be in Soul Society and how does their personality and skills relate to who they were while they were living. All the while dancing around my many beloved Bleach characters.

So far I’ve formed two other characters, who are also Soul Reapers in training.

In contrast to Aika and Hiromi, Hina has severe amnesia. It’s standard for Souls to lose their memories of the living world but Hina not even has a sense of her self. Quiet and passive, she makes a good student, earning a position on the SRA student council as treasurer. Her extremely high level of fitness advantages her swordsmanship putting her amongst the top Soul Reapers in their class. Aika and Hiromi believe Hina detests them and are convinced that she’s there to nark on them the first time she knocks on their club room’s door.

The personality of Tetsu came before his look. I wanted an arrogant pretty boy character who eventually becomes loveable. As I watched Gintama and realised my adoration for blue-haired red-eyed anime boys, Tetsu had to resemble Gintoki. He even wears his Shihakusho off one shoulder when he gets fired up. He’s like if Gintoki cameoed in Free! but with straight hair. At least half their class fawns over Tetsu. Tall, handsome and of impressive physical fitness, if Hina leads their class in agility, then Tetsu leads in brawn. Tetsu isn’t just used to being the focal point of the class’s adoration, he expects it so when Aika disregards Tetsu, he blames Hiromi beginning a one-sided rivalry to win over Aika. This would be a prime shojo moment, if it weren’t for Tetsu being an absolute himbo.

#...#bleach #im kinda #...i have more on these bbs but this is all for tonight #tempted to write more about them but feeling 👉👈

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