#andrew conte

[slightlyhozy]

“Smooth Operator…” (18+)

Characters - Andrew Hozier-Byrne x Female! Reader (No use of y/n)

Summary - Andrew and you try something new! Based off the ominous room picture on his story

Word Count - 910

Warnings/tags - SMUT, just smut. Subby Andy, mentioned dom Andy, vibrators, scent kink? kinda? femdom, overstimulation? teasing, aftercare, safe words, CONSENT IS KEY!! literally no plot, nothing at all

A/N - if youre a man and anything is wrong, let me know !! i hope you guys enjoy this, i havent written in years. had a lot of fun writing it ngl. This is fiction…fortunately, I do not know AHB irl or else id never be able to look him in the eyes

(Me skedaddling in shame ↓)

Her hand trailed down his chest, fingers brushing the curls along his broad chest. A sharp gasp escaped him. "Fuck," Andrew murmured, his eyes fluttering open to meet hers; his eyes were hazy. The taller tended to be more dominant in the bedroom, always setting the pace, making her feel good.

“So pretty…” Her voice was soft, her legs straddling his hips. Recently, he had suggested that they try something new after she accidentally came across a familiar device in his possession. He was humiliated, but she couldn’t deny how it turned her on, imaging him using it thinking of her. It was a simple plug-in Hitachi wand; her initial reaction was that he was seeing someone else, but the look in his eyes when she confronted him said otherwise.

Continuing her ministrations, her lips pressed against one of the small buds of his chest, her other hand reaching for the turned-off device on the side of the bed. The coolness of the plastic sent a shiver down his spine as she wrapped her fingers around it. A wet tongue began to swirl around his nipple, gently nipping and sucking as she turned on the vibrator to the lowest setting. “Oh…” Andrew gasped out as she trailed the bulb along his soft stomach. Detaching from his chest, the woman pressed her nose into his chest hair, taking in his musky, familiar scent as she moved the wand down his abdomen.

The anticipation was thick in the air, and Andrew’s body quivered with need. She knew exactly how to work him up and clearly loved the effect she had on him. His eyes followed her hand as it approached the junction of his thighs, his cock standing at full attention through his boxers, begging for her touch. The vibrations grew stronger, and she brought the tip of the wand closer to where he needed it, watching muscles tighten with every pulse. Moving up a setting, his breath hitched as she traced it along his thighs, causing his legs to open.

Clicking her tongue, she smirked. “So needy, Andy... I haven’t touched you, and you’re hard as shit.” Setting down the wand, the other helped him out of his boxers; his cock was long, red, and throbbing with need.

“You’re teasing me.” He argued, trying not to squirm as her hands rubbed along his smooth, pale thighs.

A laugh escaped her mouth as she moved up to kiss him on his lips. “Now you get how I feel.” The kiss grew deeper, her tongue running along his to his teeth, tracing along the underside of his upper lip, gently biting it, eliciting a soft groan from her lover.

Picking the wand back up, she turned it back to the lowest setting. Tracing along his hip bones, pelvis, and inner thighs, she sucked hickeys to his ribs and stomach, her other hand rubbing along his side. She continued this until a grumble of desperation interrupted her. Slowly, he took his poor cock into her hand, warm and heavy.

With the device, she rubbed it along the underside of his cock, causing him to gasp. “Oh, fuck!” His hands gripped the sheets as a shaky breath escaped him, the sensation more overwhelming than he thought it would be.

“Color?” The woman asked cautiously, moving away the Hitachi, only making the tall man cry in need.

His face was flushed as his chest rose and fell. “Green,” Andrew said desperately. “Don’t stop…please…” 

A smirk returned to her face as she continued her actions, rubbing closer to his leaking tip, which made him cry. “Not going to lie, Andrew,” She chuckled softly as he writhed beneath her. “I kind of like you this way, all needy for me.” It was entertaining to see how he felt the same way he made her feel, like cumming was the only thing that mattered. 

As the setting went up, so did the intensity. Tears pricked his eyes as she drew the bulb near his balls. His knuckles were white from how hard he gripped the blankets, trying not to intervene. “Please…” The Irishman begged, now reduced to a mess of cries and pleas of mercy.

“Please, what?” She played dumb, moving back near his tip. From how stiff he was, she knew he was close; no matter how much she liked how needy he was, she would feel cruel to edge him for too long, at least for now.

He groaned in frustration, readjusting, trying to make the angle better. “Please? Please, can I cum? Please let me cum, baby.” Obeying his wishes, her hand gripped his length, stroking him as she kept the device on the tip of his cock.

After a few more moments, his body completely became tense, his moans growing louder as he pressed his red face into the pillow, sobbing out with pleasure as white ropes of cum shot out of his abused length. Setting down the vibrator, she stroked him through his orgasm, savoring every sound and every breath. 

She gave him a moment to recover, leaving to the bathroom to grab a wet towel to wipe him down. “I think that was one of the sexiest things I have ever seen.” She chuckled, wiping sweat from his forehead before moving to wipe the seed off his belly and chest.

With a sleepy nod, Andrew met her with a dopey smile. “Agreed, we are definitely doing that again.” He chuckled, kissing her sweetly.

[fuckyeahgoodomens]

Good Omens filming locations masterpost! ❤ 🐍😊 Part 3

(here to part 1 :))

(here to part 2 :))

Here to the map :)

S2 London (cont):

C rushing to A after Beelzebub's visit (S02E01) - Regent Street St James's, London

Scene: Crowley rushing to Aziraphale after Beelzebub told with that anyone who will be find helping Gabriel will be dealt with extreme sanctions

Availability (as of 2024): street all day

Link on the map

BONUS:

The 1990 book promo photo - Kensal Green Cemetery, London

The photo with Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman that appeared on the 1990 back cover of Good Omens was taken in February 1990 in Kensal Green Cemetery. After the photo was taken and developed they noticed the winged hourglasses and used it as a design motif for the book. The mausoleum is the Hugh mausoleum of Baron John Frederick Andrew Huth, a banker that died 1864.

Availability (as of 2024):

The cemetery is open cca 9-17 but it good to check the opening times on their page since the two entrances slightly differs and times also differ on Sundays and bank holidays.

The mausoleum can be seen from the cemetery path but to get close to it you have to go through overgrown grass and a bit of bramble.

If you go, check if the one of the smol fygo gifts are still there :) ❤ .

Link on the map

Whew! This masterpost took me several weeks, hope you enjoyed it and it might help you plan your trip to see the Good Omens places! :) ❤ 🐍😊 Wahoo! :)

[ilcontephotography]

Miami Maritime Stadium, by Hilario Candela - Studio Pancoast, Ferendino, Skeels & Burnham (1963). Abandoned since 1992, when it was declared unsafe after being hit by Hurricane Andrew.

Miami, Florida - USA.

© Roberto Conte (2023)

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[britneyshakespeare]

Honestly I can accept the idea that "we don't know that this is Shelley" but the idea that this is Hunt is absurd. We have more detailed and confirmed likenesses of Hunt throughout his life and he straight up never looked like this at any age. Let alone is this what he looked like at 38! (If this is indeed from 1822)

In all of the likenesses of Hunt, too, I'd say the uniting distinguishing feature he had was his small, flat chin. Which isn't what the subject of this portrait had. And he had darker and sharper features overall than what is presented here. If there are only two proposed candidates and one of them's Hunt, that's the wrong conclusion to draw. Period.

You versus the guy she tells you not to worry about

[gryficowa]

Boycott!

Now that I have your attention:

This is what's missing to the goal:

[luciidsimmer]

Toddler & Child CC: Part Two!

CC linked below!⇩

Check out my Toddler & Child CC video HERE

More Toddler & Child CC Links: Part 1 (Details & Hair) Part 3 (Clothing) Part 4 (Clothing) Part 5 (Clothing)

Hair (Cont.)

Fem. Hair

57. Blossom 58. Marie 59. Miyu 60. Mina 61. Dahyun 62. Elaine 63. Sapphire 64. Belle 65. Olivia 66. Ophelia 67. Lexi 68. Amanda 69. Iona 70. Lair 71. Ayla 72. Rebekah 73. Cosmic Love 74. Passionfruit

Masc. Hair

1. Tyrell 2. Brandon 3. Andrew 4. Braided Updo 5. Cherub 6. Cruz 7. Rowan 8. Angelo 9. Leon 10. Oscar 11. Avery 12. Julian 13. Brody 14. Mighty Volt 15. Steven 16. Charles 17. Mason 18. Finley 19. Bryan 20. Gary 21. Millie 22. Darwin 23. Jose 24. August 25. Christian

Clothing

Accessories

1. Pacifier

Outfits

1. Basic Onesie 2. Melody 3. Alice 4. Billie 5. Zara 6. Coat Outfit 7. Asuka 8. Riley Overalls 9. Logan Onesie 10. Swimsuit 11. Sachiko 12. Maxi Dress 13. Alex 14. Sheep 15. Fox 16. Bunny 17. Siblings by Chance 18. Sole 1 19. Berta 20. Catherine 21. Cottage Dess 22. Cow Overalls 23. Long Shirt 24. Sweet Dess 25. Jona Jumpsuit 26. Tied Shirt 27. Kimi 28. Button Dress 29. Swimsuit 30. Willow 31. Long Shirt 32. Nyla 33. Lucille 34. Jumpsuit 35. Hania 36. Bugabee 37. Baby Dream 38. Sole 2 39. Bastien 40. Delilah 41. Ella 42. Layered Dress 43. Collar Dress 44. Long Sweater 45. Gingham 46. Ruffle Swimsuit 47. Long Dress 48. Calipso Dress 49. Perlla Dress 50. Heather Dress 51. Hoodie Set

[bunnysrph]

hey!

would you be able to suggest some male actors of latina / south american descent? preferably in their twenties?

thank you <3

below are some  SOUTH AMERICAN face claims, in their 20s. they are listed in alphabetical order, with their birth years && ethnicities. those in bold are my personal recommendations. please  LIKE / REBLOG  if you find this useful.

alejandro speitzer (1995, mexican && unspecified other)

andrew matarazzo (1997, brazilian, italian && unspecified other)

benjamin wadsworth (1999, mexican, iranian, swedish, dutch && english)

booboo stewart (1994, argentinian, italian, french-canadian, english, scottish, japanese, chinese && korean)

chance perez (1997, mexican, english && irish)

d’pharaoh woon-a-tai (2001, oji-cree, guyanese, english, irish, german, dutch, chinese && african)

diego tinoco (1997, mexican && colombian)

eduardo franco (1994, mexican)

froy gutierrez (1998, mexican, caxcan && unspecified white)

gabriel conte (1994, cuban && colombian)

gavin leatherwood (1994, mexican, irish, british, german && cherokee)

jake t. austin (1994, puerto rican, argentinian, spanish, polish, english && irish)

lino facioli (2000, brazilian, austrian, italian, portuguese && german)

matt hunter (1998, colombian, scottish && italian)

michael garza (2000, mexican)

nico greetham (1995, colombian && scottish)

noah urrea (2001, mexican, dutch/frisian, english, scottish && german)

omar rudberg (1998, venezuelan)

ricardo hoyos (1995, ecuadorian, peruvian, irish, british, french-canadian && guernsey)

william shewfelt (1995, guyanese, indian && german)

xolo maridueña (2001, cuban, ecuadorian && mexican)

[theheirofthesharingan]

What do you think about naruita/sasunaru? Some people say it’s illegal because of the age gap but isn’t fugaku and mikoto’s age difference is also 5-6 years?

Cont..

I meant sasuita in the last ask sorry

I wrote my thoughts on NaruIta/ItaNaru in the previous ask and I don't think age gap in FICTION should be anyone's concern. Real people aren't getting hurt.

Onto Sasuita/Itasasu because I have a lot of thoughts on them. I think age-gap is the least concerning thing from a moral and legal standpoint in this ship. KisaIta, Kakaita have age gap too, even more than Itasasu, but it's not considered illegal. Even Shisui is quite older than Itachi. Itachi was 11-12 when Shisui died and Shisui looked older. Maybe he was 15-16. None of these ships are illegal.

One of the major factors this ship is problematic is because it's incest. And usually always age-gaps (when family members are concerned) cause severe power imbalance in the dynamic of the said characters which is directly attributed to grooming and manipulation and sexual exploitation, and all of this is criminal.

I haven't explored the shipping side of Sasuke and Itachi, so I don't know how they're portrayed in the fics and how the relevant non-platonic aspects of their relationship are handled. I did see arts, but those aren't very telling in this regard as well. Over all, I've only explored a handful of fics with Itachi and Sasuke as a main focus and I don't like their characterization in most of them.

Anyway, even if it is illegal because of incest and age gap what are antis going to do? Throw the writers and artists in jail? Make the world go against them so the artists stop creating those arts? They could just mind their own business and outrage over the things that need their attention instead of bullying the artists. We're living in 2024, not 1800s where writers were jailed because some puritans got offended.

Problematic themes have always existed in fiction and as long as no one acts upon them it's alright to explore. Flowers in the Attic by V. C. Andrews also deals with incest. Haruki Murakami's Kafka on the Shore also has implied incest and age gap. Love in the Time of Cholera is the story of a stalker who becomes a fuckboy because the woman he used to stalk refuses to marry him. And he's also groomed a 14 year old kid at the age of 70 or something. Lolita is about a child predator who abuses and threatens a little girl.

Mainstream media has always dealt with these things. I don't understand the point of going after the artists who do their work in free time and moral policing them.

[thenamessparkplug]

The Bad, The Worse, and The Downright Idiotic

A Wiatt Nicholson Analysis

YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG I HAVE WAITED TO VERBALLY KILL THIS DUDE. I HAVE BEEN STRANGLING HIM WITH MY MIND SINCE THE COLLAPSE OF THE BUILDING. AND THIS IS WHY.

DISCLAIMERS!! : One, I have absolutely nothing against any of the writers on this show! You all are doing a fantastic job for how small this series is and I do genuinely adore the work you guys do < 3. Second, I want to make it clear that I do not condone anything Sara has done on her own terms. And she has done bad things on her own terms. She has done horrible things and I do not think that should be brushed under the rug. I do, however, believe her to be redeemable. 

(side note I did get a lil sidetracked when talking about sara, whom I also have strong feelings towards and'll prolly get her own rant in the future)

What has Wiatt done?

Now Wiatt seems to have his heart in the right place, however good intentions hardly amount to much when your actions directly cause death, suffering, and irreversible damage.  

He can’t tell that so much of what’s going on is because Litho knows he’s going to lead people directly into his own plans. This especially became evident in the last episode. Did he not remember the risks of anything relating to Litho?? Why on earth would he think it was safe for Pen, Lisa, or even Hayden whom narrowly survived? 

I know by this point to take everything character’s say with a grain of salt (and I know this isn’t directly Wiatt’s fault either), but I really wanna get into what Hayden said while yelling at Wiatt. He states that since he arrived at dreamworld, someone has gone missing every week. Wiatt has worked here for at least a year. Even considering taking a month off for the collapse fiasco, that is 47 weeks. 47 people. THAT IS INSANE. Even cutting that number in half for hyperbole’s sake that’s still 23 missing people since Wiatt started. Jesus christ man. 

What else has he done? He broke Starlight after recklessly jumping into a hole, got wtdw!rainbott seemingly mindwiped, recorded entirely private and frankly unrelated moments and UPLOADED them, been responsible for the deaths of his coworkers (to name a few anyways), and what does he have to show for it? A police station that thinks he’s insane. He couldn’t possibly have been more tactless trying to convince them to begin an investigation. 

It seems he thinks that because the people he’s against are bad, that automatically makes him good - in the right - but he is so blinded by his sense of a binary wrong and right he fails to see the horrible things he himself has caused. 

Against the Antagonist

I wanna talk about Sara for a second. From what we’ve learned thus far, and I know we haven’t gotten all that many Sara scenes, almost all of what Sara does seems to be attempting to clean up a mess she made many years ago, in comparison to Wiatt who does absolutely nothing but stir the pot.

Sara is stuck here; she is bound to Litho and cannot escape no matter how hard she wants to. She had friends. She’s doing what Litho wants because she has to. We saw what happened when she tried to defy him. Wiatt is only here because of one connection, but could literally leave whenever he wants no harm no foul.

Now the Norman thing I am curious about, because so far, I can’t figure out why 1. she killed him in the first place and certainly 2. why she kept the footage of it. She never seemed to hate Norman, if anything she would be against him for clearly being infatuated with Andrew, and I can’t really blame her for that? I mean nothing is enough to justify murder, but it wouldn’t be in cold blood. I’m also assuming this is before Dreamworld Entertainment due to the fact that Norman seemingly had no involvement. Another odd thing not only was he rebuilt to look exactly like he did when he was alive, but he retained all of his memories as well, and was given a higher power among the staff of Watchful Eye Toys, with memory control himself.

Whatever happened during his death must have been important.

But back to Wiatt. All of Sara actions, albeit terrible, were calculated and she did what she believed was necessary. Wiatt has no concept that his actions have consequences, so all he does is messy things up, making everything far worse than it needed to be.

Why should I care? (Comparison to Eric)

At the very beginning when Eric is first introduced, we are given no reason to care at all about him. I mean, we know he was friends with Lewis but that’s not enough to really grow any attachment to him. We start learning little facts about him, but when it really clicks is during the secret tapes.

Seeing Eric outside of the main plot, his real personality, his hopes, his dreams, his struggles starting from a young age up until how he is today. We’re given the chance to build connections with him and see him as a real person, a character with depth. Knowing his motivations and what built him makes it so easy to grow extremely attached, making any horrific things hit much harder.

Now moving back to Wiatt, we really don’t get to see the real him. We see him once interacting with Lewis, but even that was simply for plot relevance. We really know nothing about him. Even his transition, which would be so easy to capitalize on seeing as the viewership of Dreamworld is highly LGBTQ+, and many people would relate. But we get more about Mike’s transition than Wiatt, and he’s only ever had one real scene as himself.

That’s not even dipping into who Wiatt is as a person. What are his passions? Who are his loved ones outside of just Lewis? What was school like for him? What got him into the mechanic business? Who took care of him after his parents died? I understand this can be hard to smoothly integrate into a story but look how well it worked with Eric’s tapes.

Now this is getting much more into the writing side of the show, but I think something that's kind of lacking is character building filler. As much as having a concise plot is nice, without scenes or even full episodes dedicated to fleshing out our cast, it makes it really difficult to connect.

There’s so so much of his character to explore that we just never get into, and it kinda makes it hard to root for him when there’s nothing backing his character. Just like, a few more tapes of Wiatt would be plenty, something outside of Lewis. I would love to see his relationships with other characters (you cannot build a sense of character off one single relationship), how he views himself, just anything.

Its incredibly difficult to analyze a character when they seemingly have no depth.

In Conclusion

I am not a fan of Wiatt as it currently is (understatement of the year), but good god am I persuadable. I just want Dreamworld to give me a reason to root for him. Something to sympathize with, relate to. Have him improve. Allow him to realize his mistakes, and become a better person for that.

I don’t think he’s a lost cause.

But give me a reason to believe that.

[birdmitosis]

Fanmix-slash-playlist for Slay the Princess! Song list under the cut. There’s 96 songs on this fanmix/playlist, and it’s about 6 and a half hours long.

Some of the songs were not available on Spotify, and they will be linked to on YouTube below. (Some artists have 2 songs on the playlist; aeseaes, The Crane Wives, Hozier, and Stars each have 3 because they were just too perfect. Also, some songs are definitely on here because of other people's fanvids or even just suggestions, and I've made note of and credited all of those!) (All fanmixes/playlists are a perpetual WIP.)

aeseaes - All Things Devour

aeseaes - Semantics

aeseaes - Tongues

AG - Terrible Thing

t h e . a i m s - Violence & Blood

The Airborne Toxic Event - Poor Isaac

Alanis Morissette - Everything (friend suggestion)

Amanda Palmer & The Grand Theft Orchestra - Trout Heart Replica

Amber Run - I Found

The Amazing Devil - The Horror and the Wild

The Amazing Devil - That Unwanted Animal

Andrew Bird - Imitosis

Andrew Bird - Sisyphus

August Greenwood - How To Let Go

AURORA - Your Blood

Baby Storme - This City is a Graveyard

Band of Horses - No One's Gonna Love You

Beth Crowley - Monster

Blindside - Withering

Bring Me the Horizon - Deathbeds

Camera Obscura - Fifth in Line to the Throne

Caravan Palace - Avalanches

Charming Disaster - Ouroboros

Chonny Jash - The Soul Eclectic (inspiration)

City and Colour - Little Hell

Coldplay - The Hardest Part

Coldplay - Square One

Collective Soul - The World I Know

Cosmo Sheldrake - By Being With You

The Crane Wives - Curses

The Crane Wives - Hollow Moon (inspiration)

The Crane Wives - Tongues & Teeth

Crystal Castles - Suffocation (inspiration)

David Bowie - Changes

The Echoing Green - Starling

Electric President - Some Crap About the Future

Elizabeth & the Catapult - Do Not Hang Your Head

Elizabeth & the Catapult - My Goodbye

Ellie Goulding - Salt Skin

Eurielle - Hate Me

The Feeling - Mr Grin

fin - Ship in a Bottle

Florence + The Machine - Kiss With a Fist

Florence + The Machine - What the Water Gave Me

Forgive Durden - A Dead Person Breathed on Me!

Foxtails Brigade - Long Route

Foxtails Brigade - Nun but the Lost

Ghost and Pals - DEATHBODY

Ghost and Pals - In Iolite

Gregory and the Hawk - Boats & Birds

Hannah Fury - Angels & Absinthe

Howie Day - Collide

Hozier - Francesca

Hozier - In the Woods Somewhere

Hozier - Who We Are

IAMX - Bernadette

I Monster - Who Is She?

Jack Conte - Kitchen Fork (inspiration)

Jack Stauber's Micropop - Choice (inspiration)

The Jezabels - Hurt Me

Jhariah - Flight of the Crows

Journey to Bethlehem OST - We Become We

Kate Nash - Paris

Kiltro - Softy

King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard - Magenta Mountain

lasah - taixu (inspiration)

Lisa Hannigan - Oh Undone

Little Dragon - Twice

The Lord Dog Bird - The Shedding Path

Ludo - The Horror of Our Love

Madilyn Mei - Knotted Constellations

Meredith Brooks - Bitch

MGMT - Little Dark Age

Michelle Branch - Everywhere

Mili (feat. KIHOW) - In Hell We Live, Lament

Mirah - Don't Die in Me

Mirah - You've Gone Away Enough

Moulettes - Bird of Paradise, Pt. II

The Mountain Goats - No Children (inspiration)

The Mountain Goats - Sudden Oak Death

Mr.Kitty - After Dark

múm - Prophecies & Reversed Memories

The Nor'easters - 715 — CRΣΣKS (inspiration)

Olivier Bibeau - Better Run, Better Hide

Passion Pit - Seaweed Song

PEGGY - Villains Aren't Born (They're Made)

Perfectly Human - Bad As

Perfectly Human - Fly Again

Racoon - Took a Hit

Rainbow Kitten Surprise - Devil Like Me

Reinaeiry - When the Sun Loves the Moon

Ricky Montgomery - This December

RIProducer - Fruiting Bodies

RIProducer - What Gave It Away?

Sarah Blasko - Bird on a Wire

Satin Puppets - Bad Moon Rising

Seeming - Someday Lily

Sharon Van Etten - It's Not Like

Shayfer James - Boots Worn Through (inspiration)

Sheena Ringo - la salle de bain (inspiration)

Sleeping At Last - Mind

Sleeping At Last - Taste

SNAKE POOL - FIGURE IN THE BACKGROUND (inspiration)

Snow Patrol - Open Your Eyes

Solas Composer - He Who Devoured the Dark II

Southwest Statistic - Fairy Tale (friend suggestion)

Stars - He Dreams He's Awake

Stars - The Night Starts Here

Stars - No One Is Lost

Subsignal - The Bells of Lyonesse (inspiration)

Sunset Rubdown - For the Pier (and Dead Shimmering)

Talking Heads - And She Was

Trespassers William - I Know

TV on the Radio - Stork & Owl

Will Wood - Vampire Reference in a Minor Key

Woodkid - Ghost Lights

[adarkrainbow]

Aulnoy's famous fairytales: The White Doe (1)

Do you remember the reblog I made about the giant crab attacking fairies? Well if you recall it, be happy for this is the fairytale I am about to talk today - and if you don't, you're in for a wild ride.

"La Biche au Bois" (The Wood Doe/The Doe of the Wood) is one of madame d'Aulnoy's most famous and renowned fairytales, still present in fairytale collections of the 19th and 20th century. It was notably included in Andrew Lang's Orange Fairy Book as "The White Doe", and it received several alternate English translations - The Hind of the Forest, The White Fawn, The Enchanted Hind, The Hind in the Woods and many more... Today I am here to talk about the original fairytale, the true story and the true meanings behind it. For the sake of convenience I will use the common English title "The White Doe" - but know that this isn't the actual French title, and rather an English invention. Know also that this fairytale is not part of madame d'Aulnoy's first fairytale book - but rather her second one, "Contes Nouveaux ou Les Fées à la moe", "New Fairytales or Fairies in fashion".

In this post, what I will do is simply summarize the fairytale in an (I hope) easy way - all the subtle meanings, cultural allusions, literary twists and turns will be talked about in a different post. So get ready for one of d'Aulnoy's most famous story.

THE DOE OF THE WOOD

Once upon a time, there were a king and a queen who had a perfect couple, loved each other dearly, and were beloved by their subject. There was only one thing missing for their absolute happiness: a child. The queen desperately wanted one - not only did the couple had no heir, the queen was certain the king would love her more if she had a child. For five years the queen tried to have a child, with no success, and she regularly visited miraculous or curative waters at various "fountains" (in the French language at the time, "fountain" also meant natural springs, but frequented and used enough to become more "civilized" than wild streams only frequented by beasts - so in the text, the queen visits a wood with several "famous fountains" in it, these aren't our modern fountains, just water streams and springs). As the queen sat near one of the fountains, and asked her servants to leave her alone, she complained out loud about her not having any child - and suddenly a big crayfish appeared out of the water, and talked to her (which surprised her). I insist: in English translations you will find the words "crab" or "lobster" but in the French text, it is an écrevisse, aka a crayfish or crawfish.

The crayfish tells the queen she will obtain what she seeks, and informs her of the existence nearby of a palace where fairies live - it is hidden from "mortal eye" by magical clouds the fairies created. But if the queen agrees to follow the crayfish, it will guide her towards the palace. The queen agrees but worries slightly over the fact that the crayfish can only walk backwards - and suddenly the Crayfish transforms herself into a "pretty little old lady". She leaves the fountain without being wet, beautifully dressed - the good-looking old woman is actually the Fairy of the Fountain. The Fairy of the Fountain takes the queen through a path that is usually blocked by thorns and briars - but on their path roses, orange-trees, violets and all sorts of other plants bloom, and birds sing. They arrive at a shining palace made entirely of diamonds, and in it live six beautiful fairies. The fairies announce to the queen that she will give birth to a daughter, that she will named "Désirée" (Desired), because she was a desired child - they also give her a bouquet made of six different flowers sculpted in precious stones. Each flower corresponds to the name of one of the fairies, and they explain that when the baby is born, the queen will merely have to invoke them while holding their flower, so that they may come and give the baby their gifts. They then let the queen visit their palace, and its wonderful gardens with abnormally large abricots and cherries, before the Fairy of the Fountain escorts her back. Her servants were in panic because, not finding the queen anywhere, they thought she had been kidnapped - but she returns fine, and in fact she returns eight more day to visit the Fairy of the Fountain and the six fairies' palace, before finally settling back home.

The queen became pregnant and gave birth to the little Desired, as the fairies had predicted. Immediately, she used the precious-stone bouquet to invoque the six flower-named fairies, who arrived on chariots of precious materials (ebony for one, ivory for another, cedar for a third) dragged by birds (the ebony chariot has white pigeons, the ivory one has black crows). This is explicitely described as a sign of the fairies coming "for friendship and alliance", because when a fairy is angry or vengeful, she rather travels on a chariot dragged by dragons, fire-breathing snakes, lions, leopards or panthers. The fairies offer the baby all sorts of impressive fairy-crafted presents - cloth that can't be worn out even after a thousand years of use, lace in which was embroidered the whole history of the world, bed covers in which are depicted a thousand types of games, a craddle with four little Cupid statues that animate themselves and rock the babe whenever they need to be put to sleep or quieted down... The fairies even touch the ground with their want to summon a nurse out of thin air when the baby starts crying for milk. Finally, the fairies give their six gifts: 1) virtue 2) spirit (intelligence) 3) miraculous beauty 4) happy fortune (good luck or good fate) 5) a strong and good health 6) that she may succeed in everything she tries.

But of course, as one expects in fairytales, this is where things go wrong. A gigantic crayfish, so big she barely goes through the door, appears in the bedroom - it is the Fairy of the Fountain, angered that she was disdained and not called upon, despite being the one that allowed the queen to discover the fairy-world in the first place. The angry fairy even says that she had a feeling the queen would be ungrateful, and this is why she took a crayfish form in the first place - to hint at her that "her friendship would go backward". The queen begs for her forgiveness, to no avail, but the other six fairies (referred constantly as her "sisters") manage to quiet her down. And that's because the Fairy of the Fountain is actually pretty vain - and by flattering her (for example begging her to leave her monstrous and dreadful shape so they can admire her natural beauty), they manage to calm her down a bit. The Crayfish Fairy decides that she won't harm the baby as much as she originally intended to... But she will still harm it. So, she declares that an unspecified misfortune would happen to the princess if she ever saw the light of day before her fifteenth birthday, and that this misfortune might lead to her death.

Once the Crayfish Fairy leaves, the queen begs the six good fairies for help. Their solution is to create by magic a beautiful palace with an underground entryway but no door nor window, and lit by so many candle-lights that there is as much light in there as if it was bright day. Desired is forced to live in this palace, shielded from the light of the sun, until her fifteenth birthday. Hopefully for her, her life in there isn't too boring or dreadful - the fairies made sure she has a thousand different beauties around her, and that she gets to learn in a fun and entertaining way the completely history of the world ; and all sorts of teachers on all the subjects possible are sent to her. She notably grows so beautiful that "if her mother didn't have to be by the side of her husband, she would have stayed with her daughter all day long". The fairies also regularly visit the princess, offering her all sorts of gifts. But one fairy in particular loved Desired more than the others - it was the fairy named Tulip, and she kept insisting that the queen must be vigilant and protective, because the Crayfish Fairy is a vindicative one and might do great harm to the princess. The queen promises her many times that Desired will not be exposed to sunlight before she is fifteen... But the queen does something that ends up dooming it all: she prepares the portraits of her daughter and has them sent to all the courts of the world, as one usually does to prepare a princess to enter the world of royalty.

And so, the portrait reaches the hands of a prince named Prince Guerrier (Prince Warrior, a name given to him because he won "three great battles"). Prince Warrior falls in love with the portrait of Desired. He falls in love so much that he refuses to be parted from it, he locks himself in a room with it to speak to it as if it was alive - and of course, people immediately start thinking the prince has gone mad. The king his father summons him for a stern chat, because he won't have his son just turning mad for no reason and speaking to furniture. We learn here that prince Warrior is engaged to princesse Noire (princess Black), an arranged marriage - but he says he has fallen in love with princess Desired and wants to marry her, he is even ready to die if he can't be with her. To appease his father who doesn't understand his son's passion, Warrior brings to him Desired's portrait, and when he sees it, the king is just as charmed as his son, and he immediately agrees to break off the engagement with Black and have his son wed to Desired. He says he is even ready to fight off a war with princess Black's kingdom, that it would be worth having Desired as his daughter-in-law!

To be sent as an ambassador to Desired's court, is selected a man named Becafigue (it is a type of fig-eating bird), an eloquent courtier, a young lord that was known to "dearly love the prince" and always be ready to pleae him. Becafigue goes to Desired's court with an enormous amount of golden carriages and magnificent horses, and a thousand gifts of diamonds and precious stones and rubies, all engraved with love messages or shaped like hearts - as well as a portrait of the prince, "painted by a man so talented, the portrait could speak and make compliments". Before this whole ambassy can arrive to the court, the fairy Tulip appears to the queen and warns her of the arrival of Becafigue - she insists that the queen must NOT let Desired out of the palace, because she isn't fifteen yet, and she warns her, no matter what Becafigue says or does, do NOT allow Desired under the sunlight. The queen promises again to follow Tulip's warnings...

But unfortunately all the incredible riches of Warrior's courts, and Becafigue's mockery of the "useless and ridiculous warnings of fairies", and the impressive talking portrait of Prince Warrior, all make a great effect on everybody. The queen shows her daughter the portrait and the gifts, which makes Desired fall in love with the prince, and the marriage is quickly accepted - but given Desired is only fourteen, her parents send back Becafigue without her, insisting that the prince must wait three whole months, until her fifteeneth's birthday, to actually see her. And this news... doesn't please Warrior. He falls for the typical thing of 17th century romances: this sort of "love-sickness". He is so sick and sad to not see and be with his love he stops eating, he stops sleeping, he stays sleeping or lying down on a sofa all day long, only writing to Desired and speaking to her portrait, losing his strength... The king is very alarmed at seeing his son's health deteriorate, and the doctors are clear that it is a love problem with no actual remedy beyond the prncess herself. So the king decides to go see Desired's court himself, in person, to beg her parents to rush the wedding - the problem is that the king is actually old, and as it turns out he can't do such a long travel himself. So he sends again Becafigue, with very touching letters, to try to bend the king and queen to their will.

Meanwhile, princess Desired is also in love, constantly looking at Warrior's portrait and constantly worrying about him and her wedding (though she doesn't fall sick like him). We are here introduce to the two personal servants/company ladies of Desired. One is Giroflée (Gillyflower) who loves her mistress dearly and was her faithful servant ; the other, called Longue Epine (Long Thorn) is actually secretly jealous of the princess. It is noted that Longue Epine's mother was the governess of the princess and that, after raising her, she should have loved her too... But the governess loved even more her own daughter, and so seeing Long-Thorn's hatred of Desired made her hate too the princess.

WARNING! OBLIGATORY RACIST MOMENT OF OLD-TIMEY TEXT!

So, we catch up to the famous "princess Black", who we learn is actually an Ethiopian princess - and "the most vindicative being in the world". She is furious at being tossed away like that by having her engagement broken, and she argues to the ambassador that she has the two things a prince would want from her 1) she is VERY rich and 2) she is beautiful. This is the most racist moment, as the princess describes her "beautiful" feature - "the flat nose, these big lips, this dark skin". Which are indeed in this story beautiful features for Ethopians themselves - but which are meant to be taken as a mockery here, since these traits, thought at the time to be typical of Africans, were at the very opposite of the beauty canons of 17th century France. At the time, to be beautiful, a woman needed to have 1- a thin mouth, with thin lips, almost nothing at all 2- a small nose, the smallest the better and 3- a pale skin, not just "white" because even a white skin can be ugly if it is tanned, but a truly paper white, chalk white skin. Of course, as a result the description of "Ethiopian beauty" becomes an "ugly portrait" by French standards. The Ethiopian princess is also shown to be very cruel - as she almost "begins her revenge" by killing the ambassador that brings her the bad news, and it is only because he flatters her and praises her that she accepts to spare his life.

The thing is that, to make sure her revenge is complete, princess Black goes to visit (on an "ivory chariot dragged by ostriches") her best friend and godmother... the Crawfish Fairy! The Fairy of course shares the pity of her goddaughter, and quickly searches why the prince Warrior might have rejected her... Only to find that it is all because of Desired. And the Fairy, who until this point had actually forgotten almost everything tied to Desired, saw her desire for revenge re-ignited. The narration even points out that, without princess Black's fury, the Crayfish Fairy might not even have done anything against Desired is she saw the light of the sun - meaning her own curse would have not been activated. But princess Black convinced her to rather unleash all of her fury against the princess... [Note that this is the last time we see princess Black, she had her revenge, she is satisfied, she returns home after gifting Crayfish with flowers and fruits].

Back to the main story! Becafigue arrives at Desired's court, and again does a very powerful plea, once again accusing a "too great credulity in little fairies", and explaining how the prince might die of heartbreak due to thinking the princess hates him and doesn't want to see him. When Desired learns her beloved's prince bad states, she herself faints - and ultimately she decides of a solution, a way for her to see Warrior and have a happy wedding (without the bethroted dying first), while tricking the "wicked fairy of the Fountain" and avoiding her curse. She convinces her mother the queen to prepare for her a shielded, windowless, pitch-black carriage for her to travel into - to undergo a journey where they will only stop and rest when night falls, so that she can reach Warrior's castle without ever seeing the rays of the sun. This is all promptly done - and that despite Tulip's earlier warnings that the princess should not leave her palace and not follow Becafigue to the prince's castle.

The travel goes its way, with Desired inside the pitch-black carriage with her two ladies-in-waiting, the faithful Gillyflower and the jealous Long-Thorn. Long-Thorn has also fallen in love with the prince upon seeing his portrait, and so she, alongside with her mother, hatched a devious plot to take the place of the princess... As they arrived in sight of Warrior's city, and when it was high noon, Long-Thorn brutally opened the carriage, letting the sunlight flow in. The second Desired saw the sunlight, she turned into a white doe and ran into the woods. Her servants split in two - one group running after her, another running to the city to warn Warrior. But the Fairy of the Fountain was nearby, and caused such a huge thudnerstorm and all sorts of disorienting charms, that neither group could reach their goal and they all ended up completely lost. The only ones spared were Long-Thorn and her mother. Long-Thorn promptly stole the clothes, jewels and belongings of Desired, her mother acting as lady-in-waiting, and decided to march to the city, pretending to be Desired. (There is even an humorous section where Long-Thorn realies that the jewels of the princess are a bit too heavy for her, since they include a crown with diamonds "big as fists", and a sphere "bigger than her head" to be held in her hand - but her mother insists on her carrying it all so she doesn't get mistaken for a fake princess)

Long-Thorn and her mother end up meeting the carriage of Warrior and his parents, who were rushing to welcome Desired. The royals are very surprised to learn that Desired is walking to their city, all on her own, outside for one servant - and when they see "Desired" they are horrified because Long-Thorn doesn't look at all like the portrait Warrior fell in love with. Long-Thorn is so tall, that the clothes of the princess barely reach her knees. She is extremely skinny, to the point the prince calls her "a skeleton" and a "mummy". Her teeth are black and they don't line up in any kind of order - and finally she has a hooked nose shining of a "bright red", making her look like some exotic parrot. The prince and his parents, outraged and disgusted at having been deceivedby a fake portrait, and thinking the whole "We hid her from the sunlight" was just a scam, decide to imprison Long-Thorn and her mother in a castle as hostages (and later we learn that Warrior's father decides to go to war against Desired's father, despite his old age).

Warrior meanwhile is broken - completely broken. His dreams and hopes were crushed, and yet he is still in love, madly in love - but only with what he thinks is a portrait of a person that doesn't exist. Despaired and unable to stand living at the court anymore, he decides to secretely escape his city (with the help of his faithful servant Becafigue), and to exile himself into some lonely place far away from humanity so he might spend there his "sorry life". They traveled for three days inside a deep, vast and dark forest, but filled with fresh herbs and fresh streams.

Back to Desired, now turned into the White Doe, she worries about a lot of things - she worries about finding what to eat (and is quite surprised when she naturally starts eating grass and feels satisfied by it) ; she worries about the various "wolves and lions and bears" that haunt the forest ; she wonders how long her metamorphosis will last, and if there is a remedy to the curse... For several days she flees and hides throughout the woods. Now, the fairy Tulip is still around, and despite being angry at everybody ignoring her warnings, she still cares about Desired (earlier in the text, it was explicitely said that, when she spoke to the queen about Desired, she called her "our daughter" as if she was her mother too). So, since she is too angry to help her directly, she rather guides Gillyflower towards the Doe, so that the two can help each other. Unfortunately Gillyflower isn't much help, since all she does is also cry a lot, recite all the dangers they face, and be blatantly unable to find food or shelter. Gillyflower cries for her poor mistress, the White Doe cries because Gillyflower cries - and because the White Doe cries, fairy Tulip is also saddened and decides she will forget her anger, and help her goddaughter.

Tulip promptly appears in front of the two lost girls, and she explains that she cannot undo the Crayfish Fairy spell because she is more powerful than her - but she softens the spell, by allowing Desired to return to her human shape every night. She also points out a path and says the girls will find there shelter and help. Indeed, at the end of the path, there is a nice and cute little house, with in it a nice and helpful old lady, who agrees to shield them ina two-person bedroom, "simple but cute and clean", and giving them excellent food to eat.

And would you look at that! Prince Warrior and Becafigue also arrive near the old woman's house, and she also gives them shelter - but she gives them a different bedroom, and she doesn't talk to them about her other guests, and since the two groups keep going in and out of the house at different times, they never actually meet or realize they share the same house. (This is part of the humor of the fairytale). The following day, to distract/entertain himself, Warrior goes hunting in the woods (which is one of his main pleasures), and he finds the White Doe that he immediately starts to hunt. Given Warrior is a talented hunter, he would have called the Doe if it wasn't for Tulip's protective spells that made sure the transformed princess wouldn't be harmed. They both lost each other and exhausted themselves in the hunt. When she returns to her bedroom in sweat, Desired explains to Gillyflower what happened, that a "young hunter" almost got her killed. Gillyflower tries to convince her to not leave her room anymore when she is under her doe shape, but Desired explains that the curse forces her to "do what the deer do" - aka, leave for the woods every day. Meanwhile Warrior explains to Becafigue that he doesn't understand how he couldn't capture "the most beautiful hind I ever saw", and he decides to return hunting for her the following day.

However said following day, after looking everywhere for the white doe and finding her nowhere, he eats some apples and falls asleep on the grass. The doe passes by and takes the opportunity offered by the hunter's sleep to study him - and she immediately recognizes him as prince Warrior. Forgetting any survival instinct, she decides to sleep near the prince. This however wakes up the prince, which in turn makes the doe flee. The prince, who thinks the doe has something "lovely" and "familiar" to her, runs after the animal - and after running several times around the forest, the exhausted doe gives up, lets the prince catch her... Only for Warrior to pet her, hug her and feed her some grass, making clear that he doesn't want to kill her anymore but rather make her some sort of company animal. Desired is very pleased with this... But upon seeing the sun going down, she forces herself to escape the prince, fearing too much what would be his reaction if he saw her transform.

Desired tells her story to Gillyflower, while prince Warrior tells his to Becafigue (he is especially angry that the doe tricked him to flee, despite him doing all he good to make her happy and content. Becafigue mockingly advises the prince to "punish" the doe for her "infidelity", and the prince decides to do so before leaving this house and the woods. The following day the doe and the prince meet again, and after some joyful petting the doe tries again to escape discreetly from the prince - but the prince, knowing what would happen, shoots an arrow through the doe's leg to prevent her from leaving. (The narration points out that the reason the prince acted in such a way was because of the evil influence of the Fairy of the Fountain, whose spell was supposed to put "in danger" the transformed princess)

After making sure the doe can't run anymore, the prince starts putting bandages and all good things that heal on her leg, but at the same time makes clear he won't let her escape anymore, and will take her with him in his next travels. He takes back the doe in front of the house and ties her to a tree, before preparing with Becafigue. While the prince is away, Gillyflower sees her mistress wounded and tied up - she promptly unties the knots and frees her, only for the prince to return. "That's my doe!" he says. "No that's mine!" Gillyflower replies, and to prove this, Gillyflower keeps giving specific orders to the doe (like "kiss me on the right cheek, put your hoof on my heart") that the doe of course obeys. The prince is saddened to see his new pet already has a mistress, but he lets Gillyflower leave with the doe... Only to discover to his surprise that the two return to the old woman's house!

Confused, he asks the old woman who basically answers "Oh yes, that's a lovely girl and her doe who have been living in the room right next to you all this time. Isn't it funny?". And Becafigue recognizes Gillyflower as one of the personal servants of Desired - since he saw her at Desired's palace when he acted as the ambassador of the prince! Deciding there is a mystery to unveil, Becafigue doesn't hesitate to create a hole in the wall between their room and the room next door - and what a surprise he has upon seeing Gillyflower tend to the wounded arm of the real princess Desired, who complains about the evil spell that forces her to become a doe each night! The prince also looks through the hole, and in a burst of mad love just kicks down the door of the girls' room and puts a knee on the ground before Desired, giving her a passionate love declaration. Their love exchange continues all up until the night, and by the miracle of love, Desired doesn't turn into a doe anymore - the curse is broken!

Wrapping it all, Desired and Warrior understand the full story and the treachery of Long-Thorn. The old woman of the house turns out to have been the fairy Tulip in disguise all along: she heals the princess' wounds, and gives her and Gllyflower all sorts of beautiful dresses and jewels (as well as strong horses) so they can all return together to the castle of Warrior's father, in time to prevent the upcoming war. Once there, Desired actually asks for Long-Thorn and her mother to be pardoned instead of severely punished, her charity going even as far as to allow them to leave to go wherever they want to be. Of course, such kindness makes the old father praise her even more.

There are great festivites for the wedding of Desired and Warrior, and the six benevolent fairies are all invited - as a gift, they decide to offer the newly wed couple their own palace, the one Desired's mother visited regularly. The fairies even move by magic the palace on a beautiful meadow near a river, so it could be more reachable by humans. Becafigue ends up marrying Gillyflower, with who he fell n love ; the Tulip fairy gives four gold mines to Desired "so that her husband might not claim he was wealthier than her", and it is said that the "adventures of the White Doe were sang throughout the world".

THE END

[justinspoliticalcorner]

Jack Winstanley at MMFA:

Right-wing media figures were quick to use a video shared by an official Republican National Committee social media account in order to continue their attacks on President Biden over his age and accuse him of “experiencing a serious mental decline.”

An official RNC social media account shared a video purporting to show Biden “freeze” on stage while attending a fundraising event

RNC Research, a social media account of the RNC’s rapid response team, shared a video and claimed it showed Biden “freeze” on stage before being led away. The video was originally captured by The Hollywood Reporter’s Chris Gardner and shows Biden and former President Barack Obama waving and gesturing to a crowd during a fundraising event, with Gardner noting the pair offered “final waves to Peacock Theater crowd as Obama then grabs Biden’s hand to lead him offstage following 40-minute conversation with Jimmy Kimmel.” [Twitter/X, 6/16/24, 6/16/24]

The Daily Beast noted that the video features Biden and Obama “taking in the crowd’s cheers” and that the clip captured by Gardner and posted by the RNC did not include “most of the lead-up to the seemingly innocuous moment.” The publication further noted, “After they wave to the applauding crowd for nearly a minute, Obama reaches out and gently touches Biden on the arm before they walk off stage together.” White House senior deputy press secretary Andrew Bates also pushed back on the RNC’s characterization of the video, claiming that Biden was rather “taking in an applauding crowd for a few seconds.” [The Daily Beast, 6/16/24; Twitter/X, 6/16/24]

The RNC Research social media account has a history of promoting misleadingly presented or edited videos of Biden to push claims that he is in physical and mental decline and unfit to continue serving as president. Notably, within the last two weeks the RNC Research account has shared a misleadingly edited video of Biden during a D-Day memorial event, which they claimed showed him “pooping or sitting on an invisible chair,” as well as a separate video that was reportedly doctored to show Biden supposedly wandering off during a G7 meeting. [Media Matters, 6/6/24; The New Republic, 6/14/24]

Right-wing media outlets and RNC Research once again use a doctored video to renew bad-faith attacks about President Joe Biden’s age and cognitive abilities.

[graff1980]

Sometimes it’s hard not quit, and the hardest part is to live with empathy for people trying to be my enemy.

Still, I open up my mind to set free what’s inside of me. I offer this heart as an artist’s gift, dilute my creativity and lace it with the same compassionate fluidity I live, swim, and almost drown in.

I sit and listen to the rhythm of other poets who are spitting like they’re getting that fairytale rags to riches, but their too big for their britches. They rag on women and call them bitches, while inflating their own egos and as that balloon grows, they sing stinging prose of misogynistic propaganda that is unrealistic. They become times travelers in reverse that should strive to be futuristic, but settle into Andrew Tate bullshit, like its pre suffragist slash feminist movements and should allow men to repeat past abusive actions.

I watch the news as red hats get in line preparing to walk behind an old man who’s lost his mind, ready to wage war for a criminal who waited at the stage door while his followers cosplayed, a rebellion on the certification day.

I think that there has to be one decent human being amongst the mob, but I’ve talked to a few. and I couldn’t break through their bubble barrier that deflected facts like a deflector shield from Star Trek.

I’ve heard offhanded comments that made me cringe from men I considered to be good friends, guys who claimed to be faithful Christians, but I still tried to reason with them, teach them compassion for Palestinian childrencont. who are currently suffering because their parents might be Muslims, but mostly for the grossly blown up sense of entitlement that makes corrupt men feel entitled to murder anyone they want to.

I spent my lunch breaks combing through footage that makes humanity look like it wants to crawl back to the dark ages, as raging racists race to chase wealth, at the expense of our environmental health.

Sometimes, I get tired because it seems, I’m fighting this battle by myself, screaming out in the vacuum of space as the whole human race tries to fly into to a black hole.

I can’t smell anything, but I think that it stinks, and we are going extinct. I know this isn’t what we dreamed our future would be.  

-2024

[the-daily-male]

Round One Bracket Masterpost-Part One

SIDE 1

Shane vs Bigfin Squid

Gerard Way vs Happy Chaos

MinuteTech vs Hector of Troy

Rody Lamoree vs Miles Edgeworth

David Tennant vs Stede Bonnet

Manburg Secretary!Tubbo vs Lord Huron

Kabbu vs Nanjo Kajiro/Joe

Grian vs Matthew Murdock (Daredevil)

Quirrel vs Clancy Gilroy

NauseAxe_404 vs Matrim Cauthon

SIDE 2

Patroclus vs WarriorMale

Eugene Finch vs Man O' War

Portuguese Man O' War vs King Laurent VI of Vere

Karl Heisenberg vs Mads Mikkelsen

Stolas Goetia vs Karkat Vantas

David Byrne vs Kratos

Ben Doyle vs Hugo Vega

Anthony J. Crowley vs Dark Cacao Cookie

Thorin Oakenshield vs Sandiction

Rocky vs Samuel Vimes

Howl Pendragon vs JayMoji

SIDE 3

Mario Conte vs Willy Wonka

Andrew Hozier-Byrne vs Harry Dresden

Box of Happy Funtimes vs Link

Adam Chase vs Balin

Anthony Lockwood vs Bela Lugosi

HoTGuY (Goodtimeswithscar) vs HASA!TangoTek

Will Gold vs David Bowie

Vinny Caffarello vs Yarny

Drumbot Brian vs Ph1LzA

Nightblood vs Ludwig Ahgren

SIDE 4

Legolas Greenleaf vs Billie Joe Armstrong

Commander Lietenant Data Soong vs Pete Conlan

Hobie Brown (Spider-Punk) vs Ballister Boldheart

Egon Spengler vs Sawyer

Sampo Koski vs ASS (Aerial Sheep Service)!TangoTek

Hetch vs Arthur Lester

Connor-RK800 vs Charles Smith

Jimmy SolidarityGaming vs Howard Stark

Doctor4t vs Jason Voorhees

Jimmy Solidarity vs Kyoya Ootori

Neil Cicierega vs Toya Todoroki/Dabi

SIDE 5

Cowboy Will Gold (Wilbur Soot) vs Mark Grayson

Sebastian vs Papyrus

John Juniper vs Nagito Komaeda

Brian David Gilbert vs Albert Einstein

The CEO of Showfall Media vs Permafrost

Ben Schneider vs Joey Batey

Will Toledo vs Tim Drake (Red Robin)

Jacob Alden vs Boomers!TangoTek

Jean Valjean vs Detective Grimoire

Sherlock Holmes vs Oscar Wilde

SIDE 6

Jetstream Sam vs Aaravos

ImpulseSV vs Scott Lang/Ant-Man

Dr. John Watson vs Grzegorz Clechowski

Jschlatt vs Ulfric Stormcloak

Dick Grayson (Nightwing) vs Cayde-6

Johnny Silverhand vs Leonard Snart

Akira Nishikiyama vs Tyr

Joker vs Papa Emeritus

Spock vs Horus Lupercat

James vs Odysseus of Ithaca

Garrus Vakarian vs That Chief Guy

Link to Part Two

[steveconte]

“WE LIKE IT”  - Music

“WE LIKE IT”  - Music & Lyrics by Steve Conte & Andy Partridge

Steve Conte - Vocals, Guitars, Percussion, Handclaps

John Conte - Bass

Prairie Prince - Drums

Rob Schwimmer - Keyboards 

Backing vocals - Ian Hunter, Rick Tedesco, Kevin Tyler Preston, Glen Matlock, Prairie Prince, Thommy Price, Marshall Crenshaw, Tommy Henrickson, Kyf Brewer, Marc Broussard, Steve Lillywhite, Kasim Sultan, Jessie Wagner, Palmyra Delran, Genya Ravan, Simon Kirke, Danko Jones, Nasty Suicide, Dennis Dunaway, Kevin Salem, Danny B. Harvey, Jonathan Clarke, Robert Eriksson, Dregen & Majsan, Kevin March, Chips Kiesbye, Rich Ragany, Keith Roth, Damon Johnson, Rich Jones, Billy Hopeless, Alycia Jones, Jay Millete, John & Jennifer Kerns, Danni Action Michael Imperioli, Frank Lammers, Christian Keiber, Kerry McGann, The Brazen Giant Ensemble, Ryan Hamilton, Ben Rubin, Jan Verdoorn, Mickey Leigh, Westley Crawford, Janie Barnett, Nicki Richards, Lajuan Carter-Dent, Baz Conte

We Like It  (Conte/Partridge)

Yeah, yeah we like it

Yeah, yeah we like it

I’ve got something gonna make you scream

Yeah, yeah we like it

I’m the candidate pushing your American dream

Yeah, yeah we like it

All politicians got their pants on fire

Everybody knows the situation is dire

I’m no messiah and I ain’t no liar

But I know what ya want and I know you’re gonna like it

Yeah, yeah we like it

A tap in the kitchen, that turns on the beer

Yeah, yeah we like it

There’ll be no hangovers, they’re illegal here

Yeah, yeah we like it

Now everyone is beautiful from north to south

The only ugly things are what come out our mouths

Peace, love and fun is what it’s all about 

‘Cause I know what ya want and I know you’re gonna like it

Improve your life, husband or wife

Until you're bored or dead and done

Promise you cash, your own fat stash

You know we print it by the ton

You won't go belly up

i'll overflow your cup

'Cause I know what you want and I know your gonna like it

Yeah, yeah we like it

Yeah, yeah we like it…

*Produced by Steve Conte (Additional remote production by Andrew Hollander & Andy Partridge)

*Arrangers - Andy Partridge & Steve Conte

*Published by Thunderdog Music / Teosto (Worldwide), ASCAP (North America) and Warner Chappell / PRS

*Recorded at Renegade Studios, NYC 

*Mixed by Geoff Sanoff

[cookiepotofchaos]

Many, many years ago, when Geocities pages were very much still a thing, a young me online stumbled across a parody work continuation of Malory Towers following Darrell, Sally, Alicia and Betty to St Andrews.

The problem my younger self faced was it was written in Dutch. As far as I know, no translations exist, even to this day.

But, I was curious (and autism probably played a role in hindsight), and a little barrier like it being written in a language I didn't know wasn't going to stop me. (cont. after cut)

So, I borrowed a Dutch dictionary and a Dutch grammar book from the library and unravelled what the landing page of the website and the summary said. (In hindsight, I do wonder what my parents thought I was learning Dutch for... Maybe they were used to my oddities)

Through my arduous translation efforts, I was able to learn that it seemed to involve the four going off to St Andrews where Darrell fell for and got involved with an older female student called Artemis. This caused problems with Sally, who was in love with Darrell, and nearly ruins all Darrell's other existing relationships, too. Then, Darrell gets her heart broken by Artemis and has to try and make things right with Sally and everyone else.

Of course, after seeing that, I went on to slowly translate my way through the entire book, which was available online, over the course of about a year. It was a painful process. Even the discovery of and using Google Translate (which was very much in its infancy) did not help substantially. There were sections that only just made sense and there was certainly a lot I missed details of.

But I got the gist of it. It was as delightfully ridiculous as anticipated. Gwen was a librarian?! Miss Peters was...just at St Andrews for some reason. Darrell is engaged at the start of the book to some dude, but then he came out as gay, too, so there was wlw mlm solidarity. Chaotic parody made all the more chaotic by being via terrible translation.

Then, Geocities websites started to go down and, for all I knew, the site was lost. I did not know about the Wayback Machine until a number of years later, when I used it to try to find an archived version of Kanna-Ophelia's 'Rumour Chain' which fanfiction.net had the audacity to delete (Still annoyed to this day. I only ever found chapters 1-3, and chapters 4 and 5 were where the glorious angst really ramped up 😭). Anyway... I digress.

So, what prompted this thought today?

Well, while checking old discs in storage, I found my truly terrible translation from when I had to back up the dying family computer years ago. And, today, a few things are true:

1. My language reading skills are Much better these days thanks to self-teaching and necessity for work.

2. DeepL and other translator are so much better at filling in the gaps.

3. I had all the original text in Dutch saved on those discs, not just the terrible translations and the original website is also backed up on the Wayback Machine.

So, I am going to newly translate this chaotic parody that is 'Pitty naar college'. I've been meaning to continue translating the German continuations (which I've been advised are very het, the disappointment...) anyway, so what's another book to add to the translation pile 😁