#and yeah I'm stressed and yeah I'm on medications but i just feel so empty in that category of feeling and idk. idk

[no-thanks-bro]

How to cope with asexuality. Like I know it's fine and wholly support it but I don't like feeling like this

[moonstruckme]

I’ve been binge reading your emt polymarauders. And I gotta tell you ! It’s like sipping a nice lemonade on a summer day. Oh my…

I’m a medical student so I loooooove this prompt so much. I couldn’t sleep tonight because biochemistry has been rotting my brain. Ugh

Anyways,

I had an idea, could you maybe make a reader who’s in her first year of med school and she’s so stressed. The boys try to ease her a little but she doesn’t listen and itch closer to burnout. Until she starts to feel unwell and comes out of her study to drink water. But before she can react she passes out and the boys rush to help.

(Totally not happened to me once in front of almost 30 3rd years. Nooooo.)

Hope you like the idea ❤️

Thanks babe, I'm glad you enjoy them! And thank you for requesting <3

cw: academic stress, fainting

emt!marauders x fem!reader ♡ 1.1k words

“What nerve supplies the posterior arm and forearm?” Remus asks you. 

The words are beginning to sound like gibberish. “The, um…the radial nerve.” 

“Well done.” Remus sets your flash card atop a stack. There are three of them, ones you know well, ones you’re still shaky on, and ones you’ve not got a clue about. This card goes in the first stack. It’s small enough that every addition feels like a victory. 

Your boyfriends have been kind enough to bring you lunch at the library. It was quickly revealed as a plot to try and coax you into taking a break, but when that clearly wasn’t working they decided to stay awhile and keep you company. You have a reading room all to yourself today, so James has made himself comfortable on the couch and Sirius has laid his head down in his lap, content to have his hair played with while James watches you and Remus study.

“And which carpals communicate with the radius?” Remus asks. 

“Um…”

“Think carefully,” Sirius says in his TV host voice. “This one’s for full points.” 

You blink. You feel suddenly odd. Off-kilter. “There’s two,” you say slowly. “Lunate and…um…” 

“Can we do hints?” James asks. 

You’d rather not, but you feel like you need it. “Sure.” 

“Alright.” Remus glances down at your card. “It starts with an s.” 

“I know it.” You squeeze your eyes shut. “I had this one yesterday. It’s like sca…sca something. Sorry, I feel like I can’t concentrate.” 

“Do you want me to tell you?” Remus asks gently. 

You sigh. “Yeah, okay.” 

“It’s lunate and scaphoid.” 

You groan, pushing your fingers into your forehead. “I knew that.” 

“It’s alright.” Remus sets the card in the middle stack. He’s watching you carefully. “Do you think it’s time for a break?” 

“Yeah.” You take a deep breath. “I feel weird, I think…” You pick up your water bottle, but it’s light, empty. “I’m going to go get some water.” 

Remus’ eyes are sympathetic. “Good idea, dove.” 

The feeling worsens when you stand, like the change in altitude is making you light-headed. You take two steps. The first wobbles, the second sinks. 

You don’t remember passing out. There’s no darkening of your vision or panicky realization, just one second your knee is bending unbidden and the next the trampled fibers of the library carpet are smushed against your face. 

“Fuck, sweetheart.” It takes you a second to recognize the feel of hands under your head and ribcage, but that’s James’ voice. The knees of Remus’ trousers are in front of your face. “What’d you do that for?” 

“I didn’t mean to,” you mumble. 

“Let’s get you on your back,” says Remus. 

He and James work together to rotate you gently, and then you have a better view of the room. Remus and James kneeling above you, Sirius standing behind them with a look of wide-eyed horror. It appears each of your boyfriends has jumped up in a fright. 

“Do you feel warm?” Remus brushes some hair away from your face while James picks up your wrist to get your pulse and Sirius launches into action, kneeling by your feet. 

“Not really…” You startle as your legs pick up off the floor. “Sirius, my skirt!”

“It’s just us here, doll,” Sirius reminds you. “I promise to protect your modesty if anyone comes in, whatever the cost.” 

You frown at what he could mean by that, but Remus thumbs over your cheek placatingly. “Is there anywhere around here that might have sports drinks?” 

“Um, there’s a vending machine downstairs.” 

“Perfect. I’ll be back shortly.” He gives your cheek a quick hold before leaving. 

James kisses your palm once he’s done with your pulse, and then his fingers find the collar of your shirt, popping open the first two buttons with practiced ease. 

Your hand flies up to prevent him going further. “Why does everyone keep trying to undress me?” 

James laughs, and Sirius replies smoothly, “Why, is this not a good time for you?” 

“Take it easy, lovie.” James takes your hand, holding it in his own. “We’re just making sure all the blood that wants to go to your brain can get there.” 

“Oh.” You knew that. Or you should’ve, if your brain was working properly.

“If it’s somewhat risque in practice, I certainly don’t mind as much with you as I do with the old blokes we sometimes get.” Sirius winks at you. 

You offer up a weak smile in return, and he pouts. 

“How’re you feeling, sweetness?” 

“I’m alright.” You take a breath. “Can I sit up now?”

“Let’s give it a bit.” James rubs your shoulder. “How do you really feel?” 

“Just…weird. Shaky. But not too bad.” 

“That’s good,” he says, though he looks like he doesn’t quite believe you. 

“I think I’ll be fine once I get something to drink.” 

“Mm, I think there’s probably a bit more to it than that,” Remus says as he comes back in. He crouches beside you, twisting the top off a bottle of orange juice. “That is a very well-stocked vending machine. Do you feel ready to sit up, dove?” 

“I have been,” you say. “They won’t let me.” 

“Such ingratitude,” Sirius teases as he sets your feet back down. “We were only waiting for your juice.” 

James helps you up with a hand on your back, and it takes a second of wordless wrestling with Remus to get him to let you bring the bottle to your own lips. 

“You could be dehydrated,” he says as you drink, “or you could just be exhausted, or both. And you can faint from too much stress too, you know.” 

“I know,” you grumble, wiping your mouth. 

Remus takes your face in his hand, forcing you to look at him. You find your indignance shrinking under his steady gaze. “You hurt yourself when you push yourself this hard, sweet girl.” 

“I know,” you say, softer now. “I thought I could handle it.” 

“You need to take more breaks.” 

You nod slightly. 

“And work on putting less pressure on yourself.” 

“Alright, Rem, lay off her.” Sirius rubs your knee. It breaks you from Remus’ trance, and your dark-haired boyfriend flashes you a smile when you look his way. “She’s got enough going through her head without having to remember all you want her to do. Let’s go home, yeah?” 

James insists on supporting you while you walk out of the library. Sirius and Remus debate what film you should put on once you get back to your flat. 

“Shouldn’t I get to choose?” you ask. 

“Well, look who’s feeling up to asking questions.” Sirius gives your cheek a condescending little pat. “Unfortunately, I don’t think you’re really ready to be picking out films, my love. Your decision making is probably still impacted from that fainting spell.” 

“Really.” You narrow your eyes at him. “I’ve never heard of that side effect.” 

“Well, you’re only a first year, doll. There’s lots you don’t know.”

[life-is-more-than-just-a-game]

♠️ How aib males comfort you having your period. ♠️

A/N: So, I got something in my mind because it's literally my time to shine ... maybe this makes me feel a little better. 🫠

Summary: You're fighting for life and death, nobody understands why the streets are empty or how you got to the Borderland in the first place, and as if all that wasn't stressful enough, you also get your period. It feels like anything is possible here, but your body is definitely no exception. On an evening when everyone at the beach is trying to have a good time, you prefer to stay in your room and snuggle up in your bed while you pout to yourself and don't feel like doing anything.

Characters: Aguni, Arisu, Chishiya, Karube & Niragi.

POV: fem!reader

Warnings: Not given.

A g u n i

Not gonna lie, I guess Aguni would be the man a woman would need the most in that time of the moth. I see him as someone who wouldn't be too intrusive but also doesn't make you feel like he doesn't care about you. He knows you well enough to know that chasing you out of bed or out of your room is pointless. As number one, he has to hold the position at the Beach, but that doesn't stop him from at least checking up on you.

And when he finds you in the room, as expected, he prefers to just stand at the door and look at you from there, asking something like:

"Do you need something?" "Are you in a lot of pain?" "Can I do something for you?" "Wanna be alone?"

Aguni is a man. He isn't just a boy anymore who would play down your suffering - your pain - or exaggerate it. Want him to leave? He will. Want him to join you for a moment? He will. Want some cookies or some other snacks and candies? He will bringt them to you.

It's that easy for him, there is nothing to discuss about.

A r i s u

Different from Aguni, Arisu would be the one who is the less experienced in that kind of topic. I can imagine he wouldn't even understand whats going on. So he asks you lots of questions, when he realizes you aren't with your and his own friends but instead lay in bed, impassive.

"Y/N, is something wrong?" "Did something happen?" "Has someone important-?" "I don't understand why you are in such a bad mood. Please, tell me, I can't help when I don't know what's wrong with you."

Let's be honest: yes, in the first place some of us girls and young women would feel a little annoyed by all his questions, but it's not his intention to! So, we shouldn't be such bitches and tell him at least the truth:

"I got my period today and ... yeah, that's it."

He may not have much experience with it, but we all know he's not stupid.

"Well ... I saw a plate of chocolate chip cookies in the lobby earlier. Shall I steal them and bring them up to you?"

Yes, king, please, steal the cookies ... ! 🫶🏻✨

C h i s h i y a

Definitely the most annoying and strenuous of all. Sorry, you know I love you, but you just know too much!

"From a medical point of view, physical activity relieves the pain of cramps." "Carbonated drinks should be avoided. The same goes for drinks with caffeine. This only exacerbates the pain." "Heat can help. And I'm not talking about the warmth provided by your comforter, but by hot water bottles or warm teas, for example - while we're on the subject of drinks."

Good tips, but nothing you want to hear in moments like these. No, really, we won't, darlin'.

"Don't you have anything better to do right now than bother me with your factual knowledge, Chishiya?"

He and Niragi would be the two most likely to awaken the monster in you.

"There are enough days left on my visa." "Means there is enough time to bother you with my factual knowledge."

... At least he takes his time for you and spends his day with you in bed, you can't deny you enjoy this a lot, honey. Neither can I ...

K a r u b e

A mixture of Aguni and Arisu, I think. I don't think he would be that calm like Aguni is and I don't think he would be as lost as Arisu is in that kind of topic. Karube knows that we normally get our period again every month, the only question is how long you've been a couple.

You have to get to know behaviors. Aguni is a man with a little more life experience than most. For him, all kinds of behavioral changes in women are not without reason and are often obvious- but for Karube? Hard to say, but as loyal and optimistic as he is, I think you will have good cards with him at your side.

At least he can see that you're not doing well. The reason doesn't matter at this point, only the fact counts for him and he automatically makes it his goal to see you laughing again, or at least smiling. So, Karube would stay with you in bed, no matter what. Except his visa says he will die tonight, then sorry, we have to let him go for a game ...

Time in bed includes much of cuddles, less talking but much little kisses all over your face, especially when it comes to your forehead and your cheeks. And when you look up to him, he will take the chance putting you a small kiss on the tip of your nose, finally making you giggle a little.

He loves hearing your laugh- most when he is the reason for it.

N i r a g i

I don't know why, but I just can't hate him, help.

The past often plays a major role in how a person develops over the course of their life. Niragi didn't have it easy back then and you are aware of that. But that's also why you're aware that he's not the best person to talk to in cases like this.

You can try to deal with it on your own, but that won't do you any good. And you can't hide anything from him either, which is why he will come up with the idea of visiting you in your room all by himself at some point. When he finds you, he just looks at you in irritation and says things that aren't bad, but in view of your situation … well, let's just say he is not that good with words and he can be happy that you know it.

"Laying in bed all day?" "What's that pout on your face, has someone upset you?" "Come on, let's get moving, the fun is just beginning."

And when you tell him, you are in a bad mood and he should just leave you alone, he is saying something he'll maye regret in just a few seconds ... or minutes ... or never.

"Why are you kicking me out now, are you on your period or-"

Believe me, Niragi IS regreting what he was saying. From that moment on, where you just sat up, gripping one of the pillows next to you, only to immediately throw it at him. Thanks to his reflexes, he is able to catch it- now he is just speechless, staring at you with his mouth, formed as an "o".

"I- ... Gotta get you some snacks."

"You better do, Suguru."

[perfidious-prophet]

The fucking things they dont tell you when you fucking start Testosterone.

Yeah, everybody knows about the deeper voice and the dreaded asshair, but these were my unfunny little surprises after 3 months on T. Reminder that shit will always vary from person to person because we're not all clones of each other, whatever.

1. Bottom growth fucking hurts. Sometimes I don't want to wear pants. I knew it would happen, didn't know it'd be so uncomfortable. And it starts fast. Like first dose fast.

2. The irritability goes fucking CRAZY it's like I'm constantly PMSing. I get why dudes punch walls. Oh my god. I know how to keep my anger wraps, but holy shit.

3. On the topic of PMSing. I had temporary worsening of menstrual cramps. Jesus fuck. I was having pain before menstruation started for days, and sometimes just randomly. I hope it doesn't flare up, but it seems to be calming down now. I think my body is freaking out over weird hormone levels.

4. Vocal fatigue. Talking hurts. I expected voice cracks, obviously, but why the fuck does this shit hurt? I don't even want to talk that much anymore. My voice just gives out. It's still deepening, so a win is a win, I guess.

5. Apathy, emptiness, anhedonia, and numbness. My motivation has tanked. I don't fucking care anymore. I just want people to leave me alone so I can take a nap. I already had mental issues before starting T, and I don't think T gave this to me, but it's definitely changed how I feel my mental illnesses. I have to like relearn how to cope and shit. I don't recommend starting hormones if you're an emotionally unstable dumbass like myself. This is literally second puberty, mood swings and teen angst included. I am a volatile, angry little man.

6. Anxiety. Like I said, teen angst. My panic attacks now include intense nausea, which is New and Uncool. Dunno why that happened. But I'm just nervous. There's nothing to be nervous about. I consistently feel like I've forgotten to do homework. I am not even in school anymore. Rad!

7. Psychosis? I had my first intense psychotic break at 14. It lasted 6 months, give or take. I've had shorter episodes on and off since then. My symptoms are stress based. The emotional strain is, naturally, pushing me towards the edge again. I am sure I will explode brilliantly and violently within the weeks to come.

8. Male loneliness is real dudes. Have friends.

9. It's harder to mask. I've been periodically going mute again. I'd never really stopped, but it's more frequent now.

Anyway that's my rant I think.

I'm not telling you not to do hormones. I'm not your dad. But it's not fucking easy. Anyway I have no intention of stopping. I am thuggin that shit out. I had a really really tough time during first puberty, and I suspect I'm going to have issues the second time around.

I am happy with the changes I am experiencing physically. I still feel confident and sure of my identity as a trans man. I am just not very happy about losing control over my mental state again. We'll see how it goes. If I'm lucky, I'll get medicated. I can't afford a therapist right now.

Good luck out there, whoever you are.

[joanie-88]

Hey guys! just popping in to say something.

I'm not feeling good theses days. yes, im working on a project that makes me happy but, inside.. i'm not happy. i'm drawing, i'm hapy for some ammount of time and then, nothing. i feel empty, sad, angry, shamefull.. im seeking a mental health professional.

my medication doesn’t have effects on me anymore.

so i'll take a break from social media for a while, until i figure things out. i'm also looking for a new job because my current job doesn’t help me not liking me. It makes it worse. and it's stressful looking for a new job. i don't even want a new job. i want to be a youtuber at full time but. for now i'm not mentally present for it. and i need the money. soo.... i'm sorry. i'm gonna work on projects i promissed to finish soon. being an adult is confusing at all times and stressfull. you have a lot on your mind. you bearly get any sleep and the next day you have to work.

anyways. my birthday is coming up this week so i'm gonna try not to think about how shamefull i am or how i hate living with myself.. i'm gonna think of how i'm... um... yeah.. ok... i can't really lie about that can i? so yeah. i'm just gonna try not think about that and just spend a somewhat nice time with my friends and familly during my birthday. <3

love y'all! see you next time i feel better!

[kanatashinkaifr]

going to talk abt obey me and how they are all extremely neurodivergent!!! gonna go through my thoughts on each characters who stands out to me in one way or another.

Lucifer- he has NPD. dont even try to argue with me about this. from the way he holds himself to an extremely high standard to how hes LITERALLY the avatar of pride, hes just a total narc and I love him dearly. I also consider him to be autistic. half bcuz he shows some signs half bcuz I'm autistic and love projecting onto characters. I think that the way he is so strict and finds being on time so important is extremely autistic of him. he follows a very specific routine, and if said routine is messed with, he is unapproachable for atleast the rest of the day. this is shown in likee late lesson 24 or early lesson 25 I forget. he also has issues with emotions. both showing and I think even identifying them. autistic man. ALSO ptsd. duh.

mammon: adhd. he has adhd. he doesnt have npd, HOWEVER, he totally shows symptoms. he acts like hes on top of the world but the second a minor inconvenience happens he is just. reduced to nothing. I also like the hc of him being dyslexic.

levi: AUTISM AUTISM AUTISM!!! yeah that ones obvious like extremely obvious. stg autism runs into the family or smth cuz it feels like mammon and asmo are the only allistics in that mf house. dont need to explain why Levi is autistic. its obvious. if you really need an explanation just ask. but I also think he has severe social anxiety. like to the point that he gets extremely sick at the thought of social interaction. over the years, and with lots of trial and error medication, he can sort of deal with it now. still freaks him out though.

Satan: I think he takes after his father. like. A LOT. he is so npd and so autistic. I think that he really prides himself on his smarts but like. if he were to fail/get an average mark on a test (especially if lucifer got a high mark) he would disintegrate out of pure self hatred. if lucifer is better than him in any academic topic, you can practically feel the envy and rage coming from him. lucifer understands how he feels, and always tries to help him with his npd issues, but that just upsets him tenfold. "you think that *I* need *YOUR* help??? disgusting!". he has such issues I love him so much. not much to comment on his autism. also quite obvious, especially in nightbringer.

Asmo- I KNOW SO MANY PEOPLE THINK ASMO HAS NPD AND LIKE I GET THE IDEA BUT NO. HE HAS HPD AND I WILL FIGHT TOOTH AND NAIL OVER THAT HC.

beel: autism. binge eating disorder. ptsd.

belphie: autism. BPD!!!!! B!! P!!! D!!!!!!!! I will scream it from the roof tops THAT MAN HAD BPD IDC WHAT YOU SAY!! impulsivity (especially when angry), unstable relations (mostly hc), uncontrolled anger, chronic emptiness (hc), self destructiveness, fear of abandonment. you look into the DSM-5 and there is a picture of him there. I think that. he might have PTSD too.

diavolo: autism. I dont care what anyone says I think he is an autistic woman who was just forced into masking. c-ptsd due to mainly emotional neglect.

solomon: autism. no canon reason to support this I'm just projecting. c-ptsd. he has very complicated feeling surrounding loneliness and abandonment due to his childhood.

simeon: autism. C-PTSD!!!!!!! I think that. there wasnt nessacarily anything that could generally be considered traumatizing. but a lot of things in his early days were extremely stressful for him. I think that hes always questioned the word of God just a bit. he made sure nobody ever found out, but he always had doubt within him. this has always eaten at him, as he is supposed to be an angel. Angel's do not doubt the word of their father,, so, why does he?

ermm okay I think that's. enough ranting for today...

[schizotypalpd-culture-is]

StPD culture is just. Well less of a culture thing but

I'm at THE sweet spot with my meds where I'm grounded and not anxious (when on them properly and not in a period of extreme stress) but still like. Having those experiences, y'know? I feel things as brain zaps sometimes and I still get them :D

unreality (and general) tw for the next paragraph?

The culture aspect is I think most of us are shooting for this lol, like most humans have a "god hole" (a need to rationalize things out of their control and make sense of senseless pain) and for a lot of schizo folks it kinda seems to come prefilled, like we have "understandings" of things that just Aren't "Correct" by society's standards so then we're medicated until whatever We had is Gone and it's just an empty hole to fill with your choice of cultural/societal brainrot, whether that's The Dominant Organized Religion, unyielding faith in the govt, or nihilism that leads to all consuming apathy. So yeah the "sweet spot" would just be you tqke it to a manageable level, like you skim the paranoia off the top ig?

(Sorry for the brag (???) and rambling but I'm readjusting after having not been able to access meds for 2 Months so. yaaay coping with paranoia and an impending sense of doom by focusing on how baby steps today will build up and I Will be doing good again at some point.)

- 💫🕊️

.

[emililyqueer]

so... this is just kind of a personal emotional dump. i don't want to bring anyone down, you can ignore this if you just want to do the sexy stuff.

but it is an insight into me, so ya know. here it is. it turned out a lot longer than i wanted... to be honest it's sort of turned into my life story. um. sorry.

i spent so much of my life being ashamed and confused and depressed. i suppose, the thing is... i'm tired of watching other people live the life that i wanted to live.

i was brought up in a very conservative small town, in the middle of fkin nowhere. the place was extremely homogenous. no (visibly) gay or trans people, almost no people of colour. i had a single, disabled mother. my dad was very mentally ill, and he was abusive and violent with it, and even though he left when i was in single digits, he's left some very deep scars on me. i went to school under the time of the Section 28 law - which is to say, LGBT issues were banned in school, and bullying gay and trans kids was absolutely allowed to happen, or else the teachers could be seen as "taking a side" on a "controversial issue". this happened to me multiple times. i hated school. even though i started off in life with a passion of learning, going there broke my enthusiasm for literally decades.

i was queer, and i was in denial. i... sort of understood, i think?? but i realised very young that i couldn't rely on anyone, not my parents, not my teachers, not my peers. i grew up obsessed with the idea of self-reliance and some fucked up idea of personal strength. even after a university friend of mine came out, and i realised i might be trans, i still clung to these ideas, to masculinity and self-isolation. they had kept me "safe" and i felt i needed them. i abused drink and drugs because i felt empty and just wanted to fucking feel something, at least something other than anxiety and despair. it felt like parts of me were missing. most of the time, i felt either nothing, or fear, or stress, unless i was high.

i had health problems, i didn't have any energy or concentration (i later learned that i had ADD), i was depressed, and i had chronic migraines. i went to university to study a BSc in computer science, and i couldn't complete it due to these health problems.

and yeah, the health problems and depression became disabling... because of that i was constantly broke. this country, the tory party especially (but not only the tories), hates disabled people with a passion. i was into political activism at the time and the number of deaths of sick and disabled people coming out of the initial austerity era actually kind of broke my faith in society, i couldn't believe this was being allowed to happen.

as an aside - that was a choice. austerity was a choice, and it came with a body count in the tens of thousands (according to the British Medical Journal) before they just stopped fucking counting. this is a thing that actually happened in one of the richest countries on earth, and it happened as the richest people in that country only got richer and richer, and then we just... forgot, because disabled people don't fucking matter, do we? i'm sorry to get political in the middle of my own miserable ramble but these bastards need to burn in hell for what they did. fuck the tories

anyway.

because i abused my body, and i couldn't afford decent healthcare, or transition related stuff, i actually wrote off my appearance. i decided i would never be able to look good or feel good about myself. there was a brief time when i first got on HRT where i felt great about the future, but once i realised how badly i'd already hurt myself... i just gave up. for a lot of my life i was convinced that i wouldn't be here in the next few months or years, so why build a future?

my desires and sense of identity were just completely buried under a mountain of shame, self loathing, lack of direction, and substance abuse. i lost so, so many years.

so... how are things today? my living situation is crap. it's secure, but miserable. one tiny room, with mold in it which is aggravating my allergies. my financial situation is still bad, but it's not critical - i am struggling to afford some medications, but generally i'm afloat. i am, so far, just about able to maintain a small old car, which i rely on, because i live in the sticks and there's fck all public transport here. mentally, i still struggle, but it's so so much better than it was, and it is getting better. my physical health is... concerning me; i have a lot less energy than i'd like, and i'm in almost always in pain. in terms of drugs, i am mostly clean. i don't really drink, i don't smoke (neither tobacco nor anything else), but i do use prescription painkillers.

one of the bigger things is my gender and sexuality... confusing as hell, i'm in a superposition between trans woman and like... femboy, or sissy feminine man. i don't really understand it, parts of all these things appeal strongly to me on a deep, honest, fundamental level. i'm really not sure how to interpret this.

and, well, when i look at some certain sex workers and models... i feel equal parts inspired, and like i want to cry. i keep seeing people who lived the life i always wanted, and i see how fucking happy and successful they are, and i feel so many things all at once.

but... i am still here. i do still have time left. and i do know a few things about me for sure:

i am a reasonably intelligent person. i'm good with computers, electronics, and cars. i like music, travelling, and um i think i like cooking??? and of course video games. i mean duh, i'm a queer on the internet! :p

i'm determined, i don't want to lie down and die any more, i want things to get better for me, i want a future.

but i think... above all? it's the things i was ashamed of that i love the most. i love kink, i love femininity, i love showing off, i desire outrageous sexual experiences, and looking hot and changing the person i see in the mirror. i want to do porn, to revel in eroticism and queerness, and i want to take these things seriously.

so, that's what i'm going to do. that's why i'm posting this here alongside the fun kinky stuff. it's important, this is me.

[iamthunderhearmehowl]

Let me tell you about the tattoo that my mom hates (this is a long ass post btw)

✨️Trigger Warning✨️

Suicide / Depression

- - - - - -

Hey, hi, it's me. This is the only place I feel really open about sharing things - but with the holidays and cold months coming up I know how hard it can be for people who are struggling with depression/ bi polar / familial trauma, etc. So here's this post to remind you (and me) that we'll be okay. You and me. We will be okay. We are still breathing, and with every breath we take, we still have a shot at living the lives we've dreamed of.

You see this tattoo? I got it as a reminder. Oh yeah, also it's a Dark Souls tattoo. It says "Don't You Dare Go Hollow".

My mom HATES it, but she has come to terms with how much I love this tattoo.

But anyways, I got this tattoo to remind myself to keep going. I got it about 1-2 years after I attempted to leave this earth on my own accord.

Background (skip if you want)

It was 2020. I had been a Veterinary Assistant (technician basically depending on what state you're in, TN treats the assistants the same as technicians). Clients were beating me down dude. I had phones thrown at me. I had death threats. I had people telling me I was a worthless piece of shit. I wanted to help these animal, but to do that I felt like I had to take and accept this slurry of abuse. I was unmedicated. I felt alone. I felt like I was nothing. An empty vessel. So one day I was supposed to go to work and we were working on a skeleton crew. 12 to 13 hours a day, days in a row, sometimes we would still have to go in on our off days. I couldn't do it anymore. I called out. I said I was sick. The response "I'm sorry you're sick, but that puts our team in a hard spot". That was it. The last straw.

I ended up going to the ER. I stayed there for a week. And thrn I ended up in a mental institution for 3 days. I was started on Zoloft.

All was well for a little bit. I stayed in my profession and decided to go to Tech School to brighten my future and make some more money.

It was. The most stressful time of my life. While I did leave my previous clinic I switched to ER and Specialty and lasted only about 6 months there. Before I realized I was spiraling again. I felt like a failure as a tech. I was worthless. I wasn't enough. I got let go. If I had been doing this for 5 years and could do this what fucking good was I? I saw the signs. I understood what was happening. I sought help and went to group therapy at a behavioral hospital.

It was amazing. The people I met, the counselors, I made so many friends and people who believed in me. We increased the dosage of my meds.

Now. I'm at a new clinic. I'm spiraling again. I'm in bad health. The doctors don't know what's wrong with me, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it's stress from my career. I still come home sobbing. I come home feeling empty. No amount of medication can help free me from the unhappiness of my job. At one point I loved it. Somewhere along the way I realized that this isn't the life I want. I love your pets. I love my current clients. But I can't take the pressures of possibly getting hurt or sick. My back is messed up from this job, all of my joints pop and hurt, I have damaged and fractured my teeth from grinding them from stress. I am always tired. Working 10+ hours with just a one hour break isn't cutting it. I am miserable.

So.

I took the fucking leap guys. I'm doing it. I'm switching my career. I'm going back to my roots. I'm being creative and doing what. I started podcasting and realized how much I missed being myself. My VTNE is next month and I don't give a shit.

The game changer was really being inspired by the voice acting in Baulder's Gate 3. Hearing Neil Newbon's speech when he accepted his award made me cry. I took one of Steve Blums voice acting classes and . . . My God it was like finally hearing the affirmation I never got from my parents.

Back to the Tattoo

My point is, no matter how hard it gets, please allow yourself to enjoy the things you love and fuck what everyone else says. You do yourself a disservice if you don't give yourself a break. If you don't be true to yourself, if you don't strive for the life you've dreamed of.

It's why my tattoo is the Bonfire from Dark Souls. In your journey, you're going to fail multiple times. Sometimes, you get hung up on the same damn spot over and over and over again. Sometimes, you have to reface your enemies. DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE BOSS BATTLES. You may fail thousands of times, but you know what you do? You go back to your bonfire- your safe place- and you heal up. You get the fuck back up the next day and do it again. Sometimes your game plan changes. You don't have to fight this boss today. You can fight him when you're ready. You don't have to make huge progress in the game today - you can dick around and look for good armor. You can change the whole path you take if you want to - it doesn't matter. In the end you will eventually accomplish what you've came to do.

I have really been fighting for my life lately, but I don't want to lose hope. If I give up, then I'll never see the end of the game or move on to the next one.

It's hard sometimes. But my favorite quote is:

"So if you ever find yourself in a slump, remember your purpose - whatever it may be - and never stop fighting for your goals, no matter how crazy they may seem. And don't you dare go hollow"

I don't know you guys but I love you. And if you need someone to tell you that personally my inboxes are open.

[apphiarothowrites]

Hehehe Back on my bullshit

My Marco Cora bullshit to be exact

Here’s the plan

Marco is an ER doctor, Cora is.. well hes Cora and trips to the er is a frequent occurrence

So basically, Marco is working a double shift and he wanders in to the waiting room for the minute break he has plopping down beside a tall blonde who has a sleeping kid in his lap. Marco just closes his eyes for maybe- maybe 10 seconds when he feels a tiny hand tugging at his scrubs.

He looks down to the kid looking serious (or as serious as a kid can look)

“Hey are you a doctor.”

Marco blinks as the tinny applause erupts form the ancient tv.

“Yeah.”

“Cora-san needs help.”

Now that statement doesn’t get marcos attention, but the fucking stab wound in the guys arm the kid points out sure as hell does.

The presumed ‘Cora-san’ is hauled into a bed asap. The taller blonde muttering about ‘not wanting to be a bother.’ While the smaller blonde chugs an expresso before suturing the other up.

By the next day marco is convinced it was all some hallucination brought on by chronic stress

Two days later he is proved wrong as the giant of a man now wearing a flamingo pattern shirt and khakis awkwardly waves from the plastic chairs, his leg in a pink cast.

The third time Marco stops believing the other man is a hallucination (he’s still iffy on the tiny shadow that seems to follow the giant around, lecturing him about medical studies)

The fourth time he genuinely worries that it’s a domestic abuse case (it’s not, he’s just that clumsy the shadow stoutly assures him)

The fifth he gets a name Corazon

“Two bruised ribs, a fractured skull and mild burns on both hands.”

“Oh that’s better than usual.” Cora turns to Law, grinning with abandon “see I’m getting better!”

Marco raises a brow “at what?”

Law doesn’t even look up from his textbook already radiating disappointment “using the stairs.”

“He’s joking!” Cora waves his hands frantically “I can use the stairs just fine! Actually I was using the bbq!”

Marco can’t help it, he howls with laughter

Later that night after Law had been tucked into bed with a good story of infectious diseases and how they spread. Corazon laid in his own room staring at the ceiling.

A lazy thought of Marco floated into his brain, eyes crinkled as he gasped for air. His whole body shaking from laughing.

“Oh dear” he whispers to the empty space.

Outtake

“So I’m your favourite patient right?”

“No your my worst patient.”

oh my GOD this is good

marco hardcore worried for a bit there that Cora's legit in an abusive relationship but the kid keeps telling him "no, he really is just that clumsy, he's a goddamn disaster"

and marco still doesn't get it until he sees it for himself-Cora somehow manages to set a chair in the waiting room on fire despite having no lighter or cigarettes on him at the time (right before he trips over the flaming chair and it causes a huge Incident)

The BBQ comment sends him into hysterics because 1-cora's way too fucking tall to conceivably use any kind of grill comfortably (bent way over so he can do anything) and 2-marco's riding 3 hours of sleep on a 26 hour shift and boosting half a gallon of coffee and 2 energy drinks, man is Barely Alive but goddamn that's the funniest mental image he's ever had

takes them weeks to get over themselves and marco has to be the one to ask him out, Cora asks him "I'm your favorite patient right" on the first date and Marco

"No, you're my worst-my favorite patient is my father" and the two bond over having adoptive dads

this is too damn cute and somft for me afihujnkefdas

[storiesbyastrocraft]

Love Sick - No Meds Please

@im-notbean this is absolutely based on your comment, so thank you!

I start a new job tomorrow and should ABSOLUTELY be asleep right now, but I live to make Aizawa stressed sooooo >:)

*time skip to when I finished writing this*

That's a lie- I started already- but I DO have to work the next 10 days and I am using this time to write >:D

Aizawa X Sick!Male Reader

Taking medicine can be incredibly difficult, especially for Y/n

Pills? No.

Liquid medicine? Not gonna happen.

It didn’t matter how badly Y/n wanted to take medicine, it wasn’t going to happen. And if he tried to force it things almost always got worse.

Aizawa didn’t believe him at first when Y/n mentioned his problem.

“Shota?” Y/n’s voice cracked through the phone. The busy man had only picked up because his boyfriend never called when he was at work, so he assumed the worst. “When are you going to be home, I feel like I’m dying.”

“Y/n?! Is everything okay? Did a villain attack you? Which hospital are you at?” Aizawa was always worried this day would come, the day when his work effected his lover. He shoved papers into his bag, making a mental note to call Mic to cover his class.

“What? No!” Y/n’s pitiful laugh did little to calm the man’s nerves, “I just have a cold or something.”

Aizawa stopped dead in his tracks.

“Sho? You there?”

“You mean to tell me,” Aizawa let out a deep sigh, “That you called just to say you’re a little sick?”

“Well…. yeah.” Y/n grew embarrassed as the silliness of the situation dawned on him. “But I feel really bad. It hurts to move and I can’t breathe and-”

“What medicine have you had? I’ll grab some on my way home.”

“None….”

The silence sat between them was uncomfortable even over the phone. Y/n hated having to open up about his medical habits, it felt so childish. What adult couldn’t suck it up and pop a pill? Him. He couldn’t.

Y/n tried to explain this is his lover, but he was met with resistance.

“Look. I’ll be home in a few hours with some medicine, I don’t know what else you want me to do. You won’t get better if you don’t take anything. I have to go. Try to get some rest, okay?”

It wasn't until Aizawa got back to their shared apartment that he realized just how serious his lover was. Aizawa had truly figured it was just a matter of 'Oh you'll take medicine if it gets bad enough.' but as he watched Y/n's labored breathing he knew that wasn't the case.

That is when the soup ritual started. Growing up Aizawa didn't always have the money to buy whatever medicine was needed to make himself feel better, but his mother always seemed to know just what to throw into a soup to fix him right up.

"Okay kid, what hurts?"

Y/n knew whenever that question was asked that he was in for a delicious treat.

It didn't matter what symptom y/n threw at his lover, Aizawa would figure out how to make a soup that would have him back on his feet by the end of the day! Y/n knew he didn't need to worry about a little capsule when his boyfriend got busy in the kitchen. Very few people knew how to deal with Y/n's aversion to medicine, and even fewer were willing to learn. Maybe that's why Y/n seemed to fall a bit more in love every time he caught a cold.

The hot soup was often accompanied by a glass of cold water. If y/n set down an empty glass, Aizawa would quickly refill it.

"Hydration is important right now, Y/n." Aizawa sighed, "We have to get this sickness out of you."

It took Y/n an embarrassingly long time to realize his lover's trick to get him some vitamin D.

As the day came to an end Aizawa would open the doors to their small balcony. The setting sun covered everything in a golden glow.

"You are so beautiful." Aizawa wasn't one for compliments, but as he saw y/n laying in the sun he couldn't help but say something.

"Sho, I am still in my pajamas and I'm pretty sure I'll be scrubbing soup stains out of this shirt tomorrow."

"Absolutely stunning. Come stand with me."

Aizawa's outstretched hand urged y/n to stand on his weakened legs. The two of them stood watching the sunset, feeling the fleeting warmth upon their skin give way to the crisp night air. Yet as the stars began to show neither of them dared to move. In this moment, everything was perfect. There was no evil, there was no good. There was no suffering, there was no health. There was only love.

Eventually, though the moment would come to an end as the night air got too cold for either of them to bear. Aizawa would leave Y/n standing alone in the cold for only a moment, quickly returning with a blanket for his lover. He would carefully cover Y/n and pull him close, leading him to bed.

[spoonyglitteraunt]

This is a vent post. Because no-one I usually go to with this stuff is currently awake. So not tagging it and will likely delete it come later today. But I need to put this somewhere lest it builds up more. So you all get to ride this emo train with me.

Just. If medical anxiety, cancer scare, fears around parental death and existential dread for the future are things you can't deal with right now feel free to skip. I don't blame you. I wish I could skip this.

I'm scared. Plain and simple. I'm scared.

My dad has been having episodes of peeing blood and he's finally getting it checked out. Last week he had a scan and they found something. They just don't know what since those scans don't do well with empty organs. They just have a rough size estimate of somewhere between 3 to 9mm. So in a few hours he has an exam to stick a camera up there and go see what's up.

And I'm scared.

I'd been oddly, surprisingly, uncharacteristically chill about it all week. Really not my usual. I was all, no need to stress, chances are it's just a polyp and even if it's not it's not big right? (No I have no concept of what are usual sizes of the T word are and looking it up now would be an extremely bad, no good, terrible idea.) But where I was chill all week, I'm not so much now. As in not at all actually.

It wasn't bad throughout the day, but once night fell it got progressively worse by the hour. While playing a game to distract myself it was still manageable, but once in the dark, trying to sleep, and nothing to focus on. Yeah chill is so far removed from what I am now that it's in another universe entirely. So far it's 7am and no sleep was had. Don't know if I'll get any. I should, because if it's bad news I also won't get any sleep after. But mind is not having it. And the aforementioned no one to talk to doesn't help.

All the fears, all the existential dread. All the everything. Because pitiable as it sounds with how my life has gone he's my rock. My emotional support. He is the one semi functioning cog in this broken down household of a health issues collectathon. And well, my parents are all I have.

It feels like we were finally starting on making some preparation for the future. Starting being the operative word there. As I'm the greyest of grey zones no one knows how to help other than passing the buck. And now I fear it will become a trial by fire as so much of my life has already been. And I'm still as fire proof as dry straw.

Where a few days ago I almost felt like it would be ok. That we'd sort things out, and make plans, and I'd learn. Learn to somehow take care of myself despite everything. Somehow. Figure it all out by the time I'd need it. Somehow. Now I'm right back to feeling small. Small and helpless. And I hate it.

I can't help wondering if I was fooling myself. That I'm just destined to end up bounced around from hospital to hospital to a retirement home, because there are just are no accomodations for people like me. The fact I've once spent five weeks in a hospital room with someone like that. Someone like me, who'd been forced to live exist like that and was pretty much left to waste away. Forever told no one knew what to do with her and she neither belonged nor had a place anywhere. Someone who... well who knows if she's even still alive today. It does not help these fears.

So yeah having a bit of an anxiety meltdown and I can't even go to my parents, which is usually the hack to wrangle the panic demons under control, because they have their own fears without me adding to it. It's just so much.

And I'm scared.

I know all the sayings. All the wisdom. About how worrying about something is putting yourself through it twice. And how stress isn't bad it's just a way for your body to deal with challenges. How you need to stay away from what ifs and only deal with stuff you know. All the grounding and breathing exercises. All the stay in the now stuff. All the advice. But guess how many of those are working right now when I'm posting this ramble online.

You know. Sometimes I envy those of you who believe in a god or a sentient universe or whatever. Because it would be really nice right now to think there was something out there I could appeal to to give us more time. Something I could tell, well listen, buddy. Whoever might be up, or down, or triple sideways loop the loop style out there somewhere. I'm not saying we won't still have to have a talk when I arrive wherever, but if you make sure it isn't bad news, idk. Just keep a receipt or something, and I will probably go from very pissed, to strongly worded letter, maybe even begrudging acceptance, when we do get round to that talk.

It would be nice.

But I don't.

So you all got this vent instead.

[tireddovahkiin]

Everything stays for me too except im not a minor. But it STILL needs to be said.

Look. Im currently setting some boundaries in order to stay in a state capable of healing from a hard depression I had recently.

I was literally medicated and went to hospital once, because of my state getting quite serious. But don't worry guys, I'm doing better now. I'm off the meds, and don't have those dark thoughts bothering me again. But, I STILL have a LOT to heal.

So, my mind has naturally set this 'barrier' to protect me from stress life has to offer. It's basically maladaptive daydreaming, isolation, ghosting, and just... Emotional immatureness (caused by age regressing). Even I can tell that's bad for both me and everyone who is suffering. I'm pretty self aware of my problems, but I'm trying my best to work on it.

With that said, I really CANNOT deal with all the Gaza problems. I'm afraid all that depressing/dark realities fo what's happening there + guilt that I cannot do anything because I'm not able to donate and am setting boundaries for my healing is going to make me go back, pull me closer to the past. And I don't want that.

I've come all this was, for it in the end to mean nothing.

But I cannot help but ask myself, am I a heartless monster for doing that? Am I selfish? Am I being sensitive? I don't know.

It makes me so guilty, it eats me from inside out. But I really CAN'T deal with it. I'm not emotionally and mentally capable, and mature enough to handle it in the moment. I've got a lot to put up with.

What's even worse, there's LITERALLY 15 unanswered asks for donations in my ask box, and I'm scared whether it's a scam or not. Plus, as the OP has said, my blog cannot reach for SHIT, because it's unpopular and quite small, and I cannot donate either. Atleast not yet.

So yeah... I had to say that. In the end, think whatever you want, that I'm a heartless bastard for not helping, whatever. Maybe I am, who knows. It's been a long time since I felt true, raw emotions, anyways. Good or bad, doesn't matter.

I feel like a worn off, empty shell of my former self, literally. I may have lost the abillity to feel, thanks to all the shit that happened to me. It sucks.

Please do not send me asks for donations

Here's why:

I have NO money to give you

I'm not a popular enough blog that I will give you any reach

I am a minor, and most of my followers are too

It makes me feel extremely guilty

Seeing pictures of injuries or hospitals etc are triggering for me (which are in most intro posts for this sort of thing)

They are always worded in a way that makes me feel like I am a murderer if I don't donate

It makes me feel uncomfortable

I said I don't want them, and my boundaries should be respected

I can't tell what is a bot and what isn't

I get a lot of spam from this. It is disappointing to see 10 new asks in my inbox just to be the same ask for donations over and over

Please, just respect the fact that I have said this.

Edit: To all the people reblogging this, I'm sorry you have had to deal with this too. And yes, you can put this in your pinned post! Stay safe <3

[eggsnspanky]

This was gonna be a Reddit post, but I'm afraid they'll find it. It's a wild enough story that it might just get attention, and I can't risk that. On Tumblr, it will disappear into the ether.

So, like, I'm a puppy dog. Hit me, beat me, shout at me, and I'll still come back, hoping that THIS TIME you'll love me. I never cared about myself, and see myself as a possession to be owned. So, I just keep forgiving them.

My family always told me I was crazy.

I'm telling my story, because it's happening to my baby sister, now.

I had ONE psychotic break in high school. I believed in these fantastical stories of escapism, and would wander out at night, hoping to get spirited away by supernatural forces. I was never violent. I was never dangerous. I have never hit or hurt anyone in my life. The psychotic break happened because of stress. I was caring for two children while being physically and emotionally abused, and while in only AP or accelerated classes. (Mom said she didn't want me in the r-slur classes. Classy, right?) AND I HAD UNDIAGNOSED LUPUS. It started pretty soon after puberty. I started getting sickly often. So, yeah. I was a little stressed, and I broke a bit. I was APPARENTLY also Autistic, which made all of it that much harder and more confusing. And had DID. Like. How much can you ruin a person, damn. 😭

I called myself crazy because I saw ghosts. That's a whole 'nother discussion, but they actually BELIEVED that one!!! They're very superstitious, and would have me make sure that places were safe, and had me keep the house un-haunted!!! I actually have eyewitness accounts of hauntings that happen around me. I was a total ghost magnet. Things flying, electronics glitching, voices and shaking and the smells of death and burning... I learned how to keep spirits away. Yeah, it's a whole thing. THAT should have been the crazy part. THAT would have been a rational thing to call crazy, right???

But no!!! They witnessed the ghost stuff, and they believed that part!!!

So, like??? What exactly were they calling crazy!? Why did I ever even believe them!?

They even put me on antipsychotics, but I used them like tranquilizers. I was always so scared, and they helped. The only other instances of psychosis that WEREN'T debatably ghosts were because of medication withdrawals because my antipsychotics were empty. The antipsychotics did not get rid of the ghosts.

They would rewrite the past and change it to fit their own narrative. I have DID, yes. But I DON'T have amnesia. I forget things that my brain can't accept, though, so I never knew what to believe. They always tried to tell me that my brain couldn't be trusted. But I wrote every hard event in a journal as it happened, because I didn't trust my memories. And they would change the past. They would straight up LIE to me and everyone around me.

The middle sister, especially. She started hitting me when she hit puberty. I'm meek, quiet, and a pacifist. I've never hit anyone in my life. Violence scares me, and I hate it. I have ONE alter with the capacity for violence, but even that one is a gentle bleeding heart. She's just crazy overprotective, and dangerous if she feels her life is in danger. But the middle sister was a child I raised. I loved her. She was one of the ones I wanted to protect. I have never raised a hand to her.

But she tells people that I do. She'll do bad things to me and rewrite the story with mom. She'll hit and hurt me, and act like a victim. And no one stopped her.

Her dad abused me, physically. He would hit, kick, and manhandle me. Drag me like a sack of potatoes. Make me clean and watch the kids while mom was at work. I had a brother, back then. Two years younger than middle sister. Hit by a car at 6 years old. (I was 9 when she was born, dammit. I couldn't raise a newborn...)

I would tell her out right. I don't like when you do that. It's scary. It reminds me of your dad. I can't do this again. And she would cry and rage that she doesn't like being compared to an abuser. (Then maybe stop hitting me!?!?) When I stopped talking to her, because even though she was a teen she genuinely scared me, she acted like I was the worst person on earth, that I was a manipulative abuser using silence against her, that I was traumatizing her. I was just scared and afraid of getting hit more, man... I never knew what would set her off. She's so damn scary. I shake when I'm near her. I don't like that kind of unpredictable behavior...

Then, her game changed. She would hit me and spin the story like it was my fault, or self defense. Even when I was scared of her, I still saw her as my baby. I have never raised a hand to her. I was always careful not to hurt her, even if she was actively trying to hurt me. One instance, she was mad that I had started helping less around the house.

This girl makes an art of belittling me and putting me down. Even when she was young, she would make fun of me, and say that she hoped she never ended up pathetic like me. I just accepted it. I WAS pathetic. I was sickly and crazy and useless on my own. That's what I thought.

So, she decided I wasn't worthy of my passenger seat in the car. I was working full time, and all my money was going to my mom and sister. My body couldn't keep up, though, and I couldn't do my usual housework on top of it. This pissed off my mom and sister. Sister sat in my seat, and told me I was unworthy. I think she was 17. I was tired of the disrespect. I told her if she didn't move, I would sit in her lap. She didn't move. I warned her multiple times. But yeah. I did my best to keep my weight off of her, and sat on her lap, making sure to avoid ACTUALLY squishing her. She got pissed, tried to push me off a bit, before she relented. When she got up, she punched me hard in the back and cussed me out. It bruised, and hurt for a long time.

The story she told everyone else is this. She sat in the front to help her carsicknesses. I was a bitch about it, and sat all the way on her, and she couldn't breathe. She was panicking and batting at me to get me to move. She didn't punch me at all. She just kinda "ended up" hitting me in her panic.

When I confronted her, she said I was crazy and didn't remember. I wrote it down that day. My husband saw the bruise.

Mom caught on to the game, and joined.

They told me I was crazy, before, but it reached a fever pitch.

They never wanted me to leave. They convinced me I was unable to live alone. They convinced me that I needed them to survive, that I was hopeless, useless, insane, a danger to myself... They rioted when I tried to move out. They tried to villainize my husband. They told lies about him to me. They acted like I was choosing him over them by leaving. They wanted all my time, money attention, energy, and if I gave it to anyone else I was a traitor. They only wanted me gone after I started Demon worshipping. They got scared when paranormal activity flared in coordinance to my mistreatment. If they went too far, spirits retaliated. They said I was inviting evil into the home, destroyed my altars, and said I had to find a new home.

The baby... My sweet, beautiful baby...Witnesed this. She's witnessed everything. But she's too good to be ruined. This wonderful, darling little child has never raised a hand to me. And when she saw how the spirits protected me, she wasn't scared. She wanted the same protection. She took videos for proof of abuse, but they would steal her electronics to destroy the evidence of what REALLY happened.

My husband and I love her more than anything. We had to move back in with them during COVID. I got too sick to work. We didn't know at the time, but the Lupus had reached my organs. Nowadays, I can barely walk around without feeling weak and shaky. So, I was back with my baby. And It was like looking into a tragic mirror.

They were doing it to her. They would tell her she was spoiled, sassy, a liar, a lazy, bad child. They would yell at her when she cried and call her an award winning actress. They would tell her lies. Convince her that she was always at fault. Rewrite the truth so that she looked horrible. They talk about her like they hate her, but then say they love her. They cuss at her. They HIT her. And I can't do a thing.

I've never had the strength to act against them. I'm too timid. I'm too submissive. They've broken me. All I can do is act as a support.

When my husband and I lived there, we would run like HELL if we heard a cry. We would hold her and listen to her. We would cheer her up and talk to her.

We moved out two weeks ago.

Now who's gonna hold her when she cries? When I think about it, I just can't help but cry, myself. She has no one in that house, now. I feel sick. She has no one.

She's so much smarter than I am, though. She knows what abuse is. She knows she's being lied to, taken advantage of, treated wrongly.

I had always accepted it. I figured, I'm not a person like everyone else is. I'm different. I'm less. I'm a pet. A dog. Even less. A burdenous object to be owned and passed around like a disease. I've had a dog complex since preschool. As an adult, I've even cried and slept in the dog kennel OF MY OWN VOLITION when I felt I was a burden, because I felt it was where I belonged and what I deserved.

But not my baby. Not my sweet child. She's better than I was. She's beautiful and clever and sassy and SO STRONG. She stands up for herself. She talks back. She calls them out. And they respond with even more cruelty. They steal from her. They lie to her. They hurt her.

She stayed with my husband and I this weekend, and was finally able to talk.

There were cameras in every main room in their house. They watch them and spy on us. We have to watch what we say, there. We aren't allowed to speak freely. Mom reads our journals and hunts down our social medias. (Even writing this is scary. But they aren't on Reddit.) My baby couldn't speak freely without the fear of spying.

So, when she stayed with us for the weekend, she unloaded EVERYTHING. She told me what they had been doing, that they're lying to her and saying SHE'S the liar, that they're making her feel like she's going crazy. It was like looking into a mirror, and I feel so sick. My baby. My beautiful baby. She's all alone with no one to defend her.

Everyone in the family is on the side of those two. They've built their castle on lies, and it was just too attractive to ignore. I'm crazy little me, untrustworthy and dangerous. My sister is a spoiled liar and possibly a psychopath. That's the story they tell everyone.

I believed what they said about me. I even tried to lean into it. My sense of self was so fucked, one of our alters actually TRIED to be "bad" and "evil" but she was too gentle to hurt anyone!!!

But my baby has my husband and I. We tell her that she's so good. We hold her. We listen to her. We encourage good behavior and try to talk her out of bad ones. And she's SO sweet to us. She's respectful. She's loving. She's so attached. She said she wishes she could live with us.

Live with us. In a broken trailer. That has holes in the walls big enough to climb through. That doesn't have plumbing that works. That is 1/3 rotted, so you can't walk on the floor in places without fear of falling through. That is in a rough side of town, so you always hear gunshots and sirens. She has to sleep on a pull out couch bed in the living room. The doors don't close. It's tiny. We can barely afford to live or provide for her.

But she wants to live here. To her, THIS is better than her current home. This shaky little tin can.

I get it. I'm happier than I've ever been. I'm elated. I don't have to be afraid. I don't have to worry about being watched. I don't constantly hear yelling through the doors. I don't have to shake and cower because memories are just ASSAULTING my brain.

But my sister is still in Hell. She's stuck there, without me. Without my husband. Without anyone to hold her and tell her she's good. That she deserves more. That they're liars when they tell her that she's a bad kid.

It hurts more than anything. I would take the abuse all over again to save her, even if it WAS the end of me.

I would die in a heartbeat to save this child. I love her so much it's painful.

And I don't know how to save her. I don't know how to help her.

My husband and I take her as often as allowed, without being suspicious. We already plan to fix the rotted room to make it HER personal room. We're trying to get clothes and personal products for her. We tell her that no matter what happens, we will always love her, and that we will always be a safe space for her.

But we can't save her, and it kills me.

I'm not posting this on Reddit.

If any of them find it, I will actually be ruined.

I'll never be able to see her again.

I can't let that happen.

I just want to save my baby.

I NEED her to be okay. She can't end up broken, like me. She's more than I am.

I love my mommy. I love her so much. She helps me financially. She gives me gifts. She gives me affection. But she also does all this... I was a puppy dog. I was submissive. Doting. A doormat. Selfless to my own detriment. Adoring. Loyal. Everything she wanted me to be.

But my sister is not. My baby is not sweet to her mom. Mom is not sweet to my baby. My middle sister is actively hostile. Those three only use harsh words at each other. Sweetness is a performance.

I don't know what to do or think.

I don't know how to save them.

DO NOT REBLOG, SHARE, OR REPOST. IF THEY EVER CATCH WIND OF THIS, THEY WILL TAKE MY BABY FOR GOOD AND RUIN ME.

[voidishvulture]

"You know... I wouldn't mind if you… you know... messed around while I was asleep" Jesp nearly choked on his toast, hacking up the half frozen piece of bread as he stared incredulously up at his partner. Vian's charcoal face was a little flushed, his antennae folded back against his neck and his eyes firmly set on his own meager breakfast. "I assure you, I am uninterested in finding that kind of attention outside of yourself" Jesp said firmly after a hearty drink of water. The topic was already sensitive, the pair had barely had a moment to converse since the announcement that more than half of the crew would be put into cryosleep. Vian's name had been pulled out of the randomizer but Jesp, being a captain wasn't even in the running.

"Ah! No! Not that - Ha - I meant, with... me" Davian still couldn't look up, focused on the uneaten food infront of him. Jesp's mouth opened in surprise, violet eyes staring intently and concerningly at his partner. "That's very illegal" he reminded finally, unsure if Vian's stress had led him into some odd mental break. "Well yeah it's illegal if you just do it but I'm giving you permission, I think it would be ho- nice" Vian's eyes flicked up to him once, an enticing kind of excitement in those warm blue eyes. "Babe, you'll be in cryosleep, there's no way you'd even feel anything and if you did I'd risk waking you up unprepared" Jesp tried to reason, though it was hard to deny Vian, the shy lepiderian rarely asked for anything so specific, especially sexually.

"The cryosystem will account for any changes, the only thing it'll let you fully wake up from is a medical emergency. Even if you do manage to wake me up, it'll put me back under as soon as it registers cortisol" Vian defended. Having the decency to look shy about his aparently intimate understanding of Cryosleep sex. "Uh.." Jesp mumbled, looking down at his plate. "You don't have to, I just… Wanted to put it out there" Vian reassured, covering Jesp's hand with his own. "You have our little home holos in any case" Vian snickered, squeezing the hand in his own. "Don't be a pervert Vian" Jesp shook his head but couldn't hide the smile, he was going to miss this a whole lot more than any sexual encounter. "Perhaps we should make a fresh one, just in case" Jesp flirted, finding immediate pleasure in how Vian giggled, his antennae lifting into a relaxed position. "Yes Captain-" Vian's eager agreement was cut off by a sharp beep. Followed quickly by the instructions for transferring into the cryosleep pods.

It had been two months since then, with another to go before they reached their destination. Jesp was a part of the bare bones crew left awake, along with the two other captains and a few essential workers to keep the ship going. It was unbelievably bizarre to be on a scientific research vessel with no research going on. Labs empty and mountains of experiments put on pause. It was as if they were a cargo ship, delivering some of the commonwealth's brightest scientists. Brilliant scientists who were in a chemical coma due to one braniac firing up an E-cigarette in the pantry. Unfortunately, captaining such a cargo ship was extremely boring.

Jesp walked back to his room quietly, mind constantly wandering back to the attention he so dearly missed. His shift had been long, eight hours staring into the emptyness of space just made him think about his dear husband more. All four of Vian's hands paying delicate attention to him, his long legs squeezing around Jesp's waist, the way his antennae would intertwine with Jesp's sweetly. The things the holos could show but not replicate. The moth alien grimaced, his stomach tensing as he became excited by the mere thoughts of his husband's affection. It was torture. He was going to go strangle anyone on board who had an awake partner at this rate.

The door to his home slid open smoothly, their apartment softly lighting up. Revealing the much too tidy space. Jesp had regrettably organised the chaos of Vian's craft supplies in the first month, leaving their home stiff without it's usual mess. Attempts to recreate it were futile. He slipped his overcoat off as he head to the bedroom, the small room glowing blue with the light emanating from the cryochamber. He sighed as he approached, resting his hand against the glass. The opaque aqua filter on the cover faded away, revealing Vian's dozing form. "Oh Vi" Jesp chuckled quietly as he took in the odd pose. He was on his side with his legs pulled up, all four of his arms hugging onto the pillow he had dragged down from the headrest. "How do you manage this in only a few hours" Jesp sighed lovingly as he pressed a code into the digital screen, causing the glass to shift backwards with a hiss. He pulled Vian by the thigh, returning him to a proper cryosleep position. One that wouldn't damage his exoskeleton after a long period at least. Vian moaned quietly as Jesp took his pillow from his double set of arms.

The Captain swallowed as a wave of arousal sent a rushing warm feeling through his body, his mind thrown back to the last conversation they had. Immediately, he felt a sense of shame, though his hand stayed firmly on Vian's thigh. He swallowed roughly as Vi mewled in his sleep, biting his lip as he caressed up the inner thigh. He snapped his hand back, chiding himself for such behaviour when Vian turned to him with a sigh. He was making that face, even without the pleading eyes, Jesp could tell it was that needy look so often thrown his way.

His resolve cracked like a dropped egg just as his cock emerged from his sheath. The uncomfortable feeling of the wet fabric of his pants sticking to his sensitive organ not distracting him from kneeling on the edge of the Cryochambers mattress. He was cautious as he leant forward, inhaling Vian's soft scent. His dick throbbed as he slid his fingers down grey thighs, fingertips massaging into the flesh beneath the thin fur. "Obi, bring up Vian Acher's stat's, set personal alarm to wake up signals" He spoke quietly, watching the artificial intelligence system complete his request quietly.

He smiled softly as Vian's heart monitor appeared on the screen beside the cryochamber. He was just about to roll down Vian's sleep pants when another idea made his Antennae twitch. "Obi, record bedroom one, pass code - Moth-four-moth" He grinned as he heard each camera click on. He then slid his hands down, taking Vian's sleep shorts with them. He had to bend those long spindly legs to take them off fully, but Vian didn't even flinch in his sleep. If Jesp was a mammal, he would be panting desperately.

The Captain leaned forward, nearly drooling as he approached Vian's slit. "Oh fuck" Jesp whimpered as he made the final contact, his eyes nearly rolling back as his tongue pushed forward. "Mm baby" he groaned as he licked into the tight space, a grin crossing his face as Vian's member began to emerge. "Already excited for me hm?" He asked the empty air as he leaned back, watching the dick emerge fully. Jesp kissed along the shaft excitedly before returning to lapping at the tight space beneath it. He sighed in contentedness as sticky sweet fluid spread over his tongue. Very rarely, he wished he had been born like Vian, wingless but with another set of arms. If it meant he had more ability to touch. He thought this as he reluctantly pulled back one hand from Vian's thighs to undo his own pants. He groaned into his partner's slit as he stroked himself, already rock hand against his palm. He whimpered, almost over-sensitive as he pressed his face into Vian's soft thighs.

"Mmmhm" Jesp's antennae perked up at Vian's soft moan. He chuckled as the soft thighs closed around his head gently, a sleepy attempt at pulling him back in. "Yeah, I know what you want baby" Jesp purred, licking his lips of Vian's fluid as he sat up. Giving a few long strokes as he shifted forward. His eyes flicked up to the screen displaying Vian's stat's, besides an accelerated heart rate, there was no change. "Alright... let's do this" Jesp purred, rubbing up Vian's thighs. "Easy now" Jesp whispered, steadying his cock with a shaking hand. "Be good for me love" He whispered softly, as he pushed forward. The tip of his pointed cock pressed against the warm heat. "Fffffuck" he moaned as he pushed inside that familiar place, carefully and slowly. Vian's cock jolted upwards, a spurt of precome dripping from its tip. "Aw Vee" Jesp cooed, caressing over the leaking shaft. "Jes" Vian purred, even in his sleep trying to spread his legs further.

"What a good boy" Jesp sighed, beginning a slow sweet pace. Pushing gently inside and pulling out with careful precision. His thighs were firmly around Vian's thick tail, the limb was shivering excitedly attempting to tap upwards. Jesp chuckled, leaning behind himself to run a hand over the softer fur of the underside. He scratched through the thin grey fur until his thin fingers reached the pointed end. Quite easily he was able to slip his fingers into the warm opening there too, feeling the soft velvety flesh of Vian's ovipositor sheath. "Oh ffah" the sleeping alien groaned, rolling his head as he was caressed from multiple angles.

The walls of flesh fluttered around his fingertips, the temptation to shift the entirety of his attention to the second hole filled him but there was no protection nearby and he doubted Vian would be happy to wake up to a clutch of eggs brewing. So his fingers would have to do. "Mm that good huh" He asked quietly as a squeaky purr emitted from Vian's chest, his small mouth held open in quiet bliss. It was quite the view. Jesp shifted from slow thrusts to grinding into Vian so he could lay down on his partner's chest. Having the gives up fingering his partner's tail for a moment. The position and height difference meant his face was immediately buried in black chest fluff, his antennae falling forward into it. The smell was heavenly. The scent lingered in their home, in the clothes and bed linens but it was so much deeper in the longer fur of Vian's chest. The scent alone was enough to push Jesp over the edge, he could feel the blurry edges of completion wearing down on him.

"Ah agh" Vian moaned in his sleep, his cock excitedly spurting between them. Soaking into their combined fur. The walls around Jesps cock tightened, encouraging, pulling him in closer. "Oh fuck" Jesp whimpered as he reluctantly pulled out, thrusting desperately against Vian's spent cock as orgasm overtook him. His boneless limbs felt even more so as he gasped into his lover's fur, drooling on the charcoal strands. His wrist vibrated suddenly, the buzzing hum running up to his shoulder. He blearily looked to it, yelping when blue eyes blearily stared back at him. "Jez?" Vian's voice was hoarse and sleepy, weighed heavily by the artificial sleep hormones. "Ah Hey baby, shh" Jesp hushed, shifting his hand to caress hid partner's face. "You'll go right back to sleep, I'm just going to tidy you up hm?" He reassured, sighing in relief when Vian's eyes closed gently.

Jesp got up, his legs still wobbly as he avoided making any more mess. "Just gonna grab a towel" He reassured quietly, watching a slow small smile creep onto Vian's face. "Okay... pervert" was his sleepy response, halted by a yawn just before his vitals returned to cryosleep levels.

Jesp wiped him over with a towel, smiling softly as Vian tried to roll back into his previous position. The moth alien sighed, caressing Vian's face one last time before closing the cryochamber. Just one more month, and he would never hear the end of it.

[heartshattering]

Tonight ended up being such a high anxiety night. I still haven't slept yet but hopefully I will soon. I think I figured out some of what I've been doing wrong and what I need to remind myself of. I'll dump my thoughts under the cut.

First, I know this is foolish but I tried to force myself to finish a piece of media that was triggering me. I had already read parts of it before and knew the whole story including the ending but I wanted to have it 100% completed for my list. Eventually I reached a point where I couldn't keep reading, and stopped. And that's okay. I had to drop another thing I was reading prior to that, because it was boring (so I picked up the triggering story because at least it was less boring so I thought I'd be able to finish it). I need to stop forcing myself to do things I don't really want to do, there's no point, I just have a perfectionist nature and like when I can say I finished something completely but it's not always worth it.

Next is that I've been freaking myself out, even when I'm successful at something. Because then my next thought is "Well how long can I keep this up?" and my mind already starts racing to the next hour or the next day. And then I give myself panic attacks from overthinking and putting myself in catastrophic situations that aren't fucking real (or even realistic to begin with). It's so damn ridiculous, I'm already setting myself up for failure before it can even happen. Yeah, I need to stop that, too.

I've noticed myself feeling super hopeless and I honestly do need to bring back some of my hopefulness. It really does feel terrible to just rot. It's only comforting for so long before it becomes depressing as fuck and makes me feel like I've undone a lot of my progress. (I know progress can't be undone, but still) I'm disgusted at myself for thinking it was "okay". Maybe I did need to experience it for a while just to get it out of my system and because I was going through really high stress but I feel so ashamed of how I hurt myself towards the end of March. I had a lot of 'recovery win' days, went back to feeling like a failure, but instead of picking myself up again, I actually started to treat myself even worse than before and let my habits get really bad. I want to avoid doing that again.

I read somewhere that you can't just collect wisdom, you have to use it too, so I need to get serious about using the coping skills I've learned about. And again, NOT let myself fall back into that fucking awful misery pit I was stuck in. I am trying to take things a little at a time. I have some positive phrases I repeat to myself when I feel overwhelmed. I keep trying to remember other times I've pulled myself out of spirals like this before. I'm really feeling the shittiness of it all, it sucks, I would do anything not to feel this fucking low right now. I really can't express how upset I am at myself for just having just given up so pathetically.

I need to get back on track with an endless list of things. I've been sleeping during the day so I haven't been able to get my dad to pick my meds up for me, and I'm going through another fucking IBS flare-up. I've been neglecting myself... you know, that whole stupid thing where someone is feeling better so they think they don't need their meds anymore, but it was their meds making them feel better. Yeah, I did that. And my dad even asked me about my meds and I was like "It's okay, I haven't been having flare-ups" and "It's not a life or death medication, I'm fine". GODDDD I'm so irresponsible with myself but anyway. I should be getting my meds today hopefully.

I also need to cut down on one med that worsens my IBS symptoms. (This one is okay to cut down on, because I have alternatives I can take that won't give me the IBS symptoms, and I went for weeks last month not taking this one so I really don't need it) And I also have to stop taking meds on an empty stomach without even any coffee, sometimes I wasn't even taking them with water because I didn't want to get up and grab water.

I want to go back to sleeping better. I actually get deeper sleep when I sleep with less meds. It's just that it takes me a lot longer to fall asleep, and my schedule has been all fucked up lately. I want to at least stay on the lowest dose that is still safe and works for me, and not rely on them too much. (I know this is possible because I was doing better with sleep in January and before my emotional breakdown towards the end of March, so again... just another thing I need to get back on track with)

And ugh, I just. Realize there are all sorts of things I want to do, that are totally everyday normal things, and that those are the things I should be focusing on. Like. I have things I want to enjoy (that I will actually have fun with and that won't trigger me). I want to keep watching and reading new stuff. I want to stay alive for my puppy. I want to take care of myself and feel physically better even when it feels like there's no point. There IS a point, I'm worth it no matter what bullshit my brain tries to tell me. I want to feel proud of myself for every time I resist a compulsive behavior. I want to feel what it's like to eat normally and sleep normally again. I want to create more stuff for my own enjoyment. I want to laugh and smile and be happy, not rot. I want the gift I got myself to come in the mail. I want to be fucking nice to myself instead of all the shit I've done to myself in the past to numb myself or hurt myself. I'm so sorry I treated my past self like shit, but I can't erase the past. I just need to keep hanging on and believing that I'll get out of this mess/cycle/pattern/whatever you want to call it. Just one little baby step at a time. I can and I will do it.