perfidious-prophet

[perfidious-prophet]

I'm falling apart and you all know it.

[perfidious-prophet]

I don't have any friends and that's entirely my fault lol

[perfidious-prophet]

Chat I lied

I have fleeting moments of insanity but otherwise, I'm grounded in this miserable reality.

[perfidious-prophet]

I have fleeting moments of insanity but otherwise, I'm grounded in this miserable reality.

[perfidious-prophet]

I've given up on the give and take

[perfidious-prophet]

My genetics are mixing mental illnesses together, like how a child mixes soap "potions" in the bathtub. This is my elixir of agony, and it smells like lavender.

[perfidious-prophet]

Teddy in the style of tfb's self-titled album but specifically the matt one because the art reminded me of him lol.

[perfidious-prophet]

I haven't had a single good idea in 30,000 years

[perfidious-prophet]

I have been having very small ideas and I won't give context.

[perfidious-prophet]

Sometimes it feels like because I'm a "successfully (medically) transitioning" ftm guy, I'm not allowed to experience mental health issues. Like I should be happy and confident.

Testosterone is not an antidepressant. I've been depressed since I was 8. Anxious for even longer. On and off psychosis since I was 14. I have BPD.

I started hormones. I like hormones. Hormones make my body change in ways I want it to. Hormones also make me emotionally volatile because it's fucking p u b e r t y. Puberty is not easy, and it's not my fault.

The fact that I still experience rather severe mental illness while on T doesn't make me any less trans. I feel pressured to be mentally healthy, otherwise I get intense imposter syndrome. I'm at the mercy of my own biochemistry.

Cis men are allowed to be mentally ill, why can't i? I'm sick of having to prove everything.

[perfidious-prophet]

I don't fit into a box I don't fit into a box I don't fucking fit into a box stop putting me into a fucking box I HATE YOU

[perfidious-prophet]

This isn't even that good but whatever

[perfidious-prophet]

Sometimes I sound a little mean and it's because I'm nervous

[perfidious-prophet]

Some updates:

The sensitivity has gone down and stabilized. So that's cool. Mood swings and irritability have been mostly replaced with anhedonia and apathy. I am still quite moody, but it's extremely fleeting. There's a lot of Nothing underneath it all. I'm still horrifically unmotivated but I'm not angry about it anymore.

I haven't fallen into a psychotic episode yet. Which is kind of a good thing. It's just been an intensification of negative symptoms. Unfortunately, that's usually a sign of an upcoming episode. We'll see when I crack.

My voice is getting deeper 👍

The fucking things they dont tell you when you fucking start Testosterone.

Yeah, everybody knows about the deeper voice and the dreaded asshair, but these were my unfunny little surprises after 3 months on T. Reminder that shit will always vary from person to person because we're not all clones of each other, whatever.

1. Bottom growth fucking hurts. Sometimes I don't want to wear pants. I knew it would happen, didn't know it'd be so uncomfortable. And it starts fast. Like first dose fast.

2. The irritability goes fucking CRAZY it's like I'm constantly PMSing. I get why dudes punch walls. Oh my god. I know how to keep my anger wraps, but holy shit.

3. On the topic of PMSing. I had temporary worsening of menstrual cramps. Jesus fuck. I was having pain before menstruation started for days, and sometimes just randomly. I hope it doesn't flare up, but it seems to be calming down now. I think my body is freaking out over weird hormone levels.

4. Vocal fatigue. Talking hurts. I expected voice cracks, obviously, but why the fuck does this shit hurt? I don't even want to talk that much anymore. My voice just gives out. It's still deepening, so a win is a win, I guess.

5. Apathy, emptiness, anhedonia, and numbness. My motivation has tanked. I don't fucking care anymore. I just want people to leave me alone so I can take a nap. I already had mental issues before starting T, and I don't think T gave this to me, but it's definitely changed how I feel my mental illnesses. I have to like relearn how to cope and shit. I don't recommend starting hormones if you're an emotionally unstable dumbass like myself. This is literally second puberty, mood swings and teen angst included. I am a volatile, angry little man.

6. Anxiety. Like I said, teen angst. My panic attacks now include intense nausea, which is New and Uncool. Dunno why that happened. But I'm just nervous. There's nothing to be nervous about. I consistently feel like I've forgotten to do homework. I am not even in school anymore. Rad!

7. Psychosis? I had my first intense psychotic break at 14. It lasted 6 months, give or take. I've had shorter episodes on and off since then. My symptoms are stress based. The emotional strain is, naturally, pushing me towards the edge again. I am sure I will explode brilliantly and violently within the weeks to come.

8. Male loneliness is real dudes. Have friends.

9. It's harder to mask. I've been periodically going mute again. I'd never really stopped, but it's more frequent now.

Anyway that's my rant I think.

I'm not telling you not to do hormones. I'm not your dad. But it's not fucking easy. Anyway I have no intention of stopping. I am thuggin that shit out. I had a really really tough time during first puberty, and I suspect I'm going to have issues the second time around.

I am happy with the changes I am experiencing physically. I still feel confident and sure of my identity as a trans man. I am just not very happy about losing control over my mental state again. We'll see how it goes. If I'm lucky, I'll get medicated. I can't afford a therapist right now.

Good luck out there, whoever you are.

[perfidious-prophet]

"Are you real?"

"Did you just ask if I was real?"

[perfidious-prophet]

Sometimes when my hair gets too long I don't want to go outside. I don't know much about where I am, so I can't really fix it

So I don't.

I mean I could cut it myself, but I've always been such a coward. Even if it's just hair

It keeps getting longer and I feel powerless to stop it.

[perfidious-prophet]

So the funny thing about paranoid delusions is that you don't realize you're delusional