#and tomorrow i will be able to take even less of my meds

[battlemp3]

colonoscopy prep is going to kill me

[fridayyy-13th]

wow. not even a week into college and i'm already behind on work. fucking lovely.

[forgotten-daydreamer]

Took twice the max dose of melatonin before the final revision for tomorrow’s exam, I’m shitting my pants and I genuinely don’t know anything as thoroughly as I should but if I sleep less than 4 hrs before it I just know I’m gonna do even worse somehow

[phagodyke]

aouuugh my uterus......

[gaystardykeco]

i love when it's 12:30am and my neck itches and at first im like ugh dry skin and then i remember im on the Drug That Causes A Rash That Kills You and now im terrified

[lycandrophile]

i’m getting my drains out tomorrow and i’m sure things will be different after they’re gone, so here’s my observations about top surgery recovery as of 6 days post-op!

(click here for my first post, from 3 days after)

something i forgot to mention in my last post is that if they tell you a medication has to be taken with food, do not fuck with that. absolutely do not. my antibiotic had to be taken with food and on day 2, i thought “well, i just had breakfast not too long ago, surely that’s close enough and i’ll be fine” and my parents agreed, but guess what? i spent the next hour in hell. the meds made me nauseous so i had to eat, but eating still hurt a lot because of the sore throat from being intubated, so trying to make it better just caused me more pain. and both the sore throat and the nausea (which i guess was as much a heartburn sort of situation as it was nausea) were both very chest-adjacent feelings, so that on top of the usual pain and discomfort from surgery was just a perfect storm of horrible things all centralized to one part of my body. it was awful, and i will never fuck around with something like that again. that being said, if you do find yourself in that situation or are just looking for something light that will still do the job because you’re not that hungry, 10/10 would recommend oatmeal and apple sauce. apple sauce is what finally got my body to stop rioting against me and my bad decisions, and after that i started always taking it halfway through a bowl of oatmeal and that worked perfectly.

on day 4, i was able to sit up and get out of bed by myself for the first time! i still can’t do it just by using my core muscles, but if i hold onto my legs and lower them, i can sort of roll myself up into a sitting position without using any of the affected muscles too much.

on day 5, the sore throat from hell that being intubated gave me finally went away! cheers to not gripping my pillow in pain every two seconds while i swallow my spit anymore. it lasted a while, but it honestly went away pretty fast — on day 4 it was a bit better than it had been, and then the next day it was just gone.

also on day 5, i really started to feel the bandages digging into my armpits. i’m not sure if it’s because the bandage has been slipping up over time, if my armpits have some extra swelling now, or if it’s just been wearing my body down over time, but it feels like it’s starting to cut off circulation at a certain point and it makes my arms ache sometimes. that’s probably not great, but the surgeon will be redoing everything at my post-op anyway so i’ve just been riding it out until then. in the meantime, i can tell it’s definitely worse when i’m sitting back and kind of slouched (because that position pushes it up more), so i try to sit up or walk around when i feel it. having pillows on either side of me to put my elbows up on definitely also helps a lot — that’s how i’ve been sleeping, but it would be good for just sitting too.

also also on day 5, i started getting this weird fluttery feeling in the spot where the left side of my chest and the meat of my left armpit connect. it feels like it’s probably some sort of muscle spasm. it’s not painful at all, but i honestly wish it was because it’s just super weird and uncomfortable instead and i hate it. it genuinely might be my least favorite out of any pains or sensations i’ve had so far. luckily, though, it seems like it’s already died down and only happened a couple times today.

my energy has been all over the place. i’m at the point now where mentally i’m much closer to my normal state so i’m once again having the adhd urge to constantly do stuff, but my body’s ability to keep up is far less consistent. sometimes i get restless and can just get up and pace around for a while, but other times i try to do that and get really quickly exhausted. i’m definitely more able to have conversations and feel more like myself now though, even when my body is tired out.

i’ve been thirsty as all hell the past few days. i feel like i’m constantly asking my boyfriend to refill my water for me because i drain it so fast. it’s a very specific kind of thirst, too — like it never quite goes away even when i’m definitely very thoroughly hydrated, and like anything but water can’t even touch it. it’s not a bad thing, getting lots of fluids after surgery is important and i wouldn’t be surprised if that’s exactly why my body is doing it, but it is a bit frustrating to just be incessantly thirsty for days at a time.

my walking posture is getting straighter every day. i still have to hold my chest to walk because of the bandage feeling like it drags things down, but if i’m walking with my mastectomy pillow, it mostly just looks like a typical slouch and not the deep hunch i started with.

at this point, my chest is super sensitive to any kind of movement, and that’s the other thing the pillow has been really good for at this stage. if the bandage shifts at all, if my body moves at all, basically anything — i feel it all in my chest really intensely. it’s not always painful, but it isn’t comfortable either. holding the pillow to my chest helps stabilize things so the movement doesn’t reach the sensitive parts as much, which is really great.

walking up stairs is easier than walking down stairs, which is the exact opposite of what i would’ve guessed. from what i can tell just from moving around, i think it’s because bending your legs up to a higher step pretty solidly relies on your legs and lower core muscles to make it happen, while reaching your legs down to a lower step requires stretching your body out (which is famously not your body’s favorite thing to do after top surgery). it often feels like i almost can’t reach the step below and have to just barely catch it with the balls of my feet. it’s also just generally been good to take the stairs super slow going up or down because you really can’t use the railing — putting enough weight on it to really rely on it at all requires using chest muscles, so the best i’ve been able to do is just rest my hand on it in case of emergency (because i’d rather hurt my chest than crack my head open if it comes to that).

one of the things that makes the stairs hard is that my center of balance is off from hunching, and that definitely affects my walking too. it’s less pronounced now that i’m in the habit of using the pillow to walk straighter, but i have to take shorter strides and sort of shuffle around because longer strides need better balance, and even with the shuffle i’m stumbling more than usual. i already have some balance problems so i’m pretty used to the feeling of it, but it has freaked my parents out a couple times to see me start listing to one side before i catch myself.

fuck reflexes. reflexes are the actual worst. something i didn’t anticipate is that no matter how careful you are to not reach your arms too far or move them too fast, you can never totally account for what you do if something starts falling. a few times now, i’ve definitely reached too far or fast before stopping myself because i saw something about to go down and my brain instinctively told my hands to catch it. i’m not sure if there’s anything you can really do about that, but it’s worth being aware of because it caught me by surprise the first time i did it.

one side of my chest has been consistently more swollen than the other. that side has also consistently drained less, and the fluid it does drain is darker and redder. we asked my surgeon if that was normal and she said there’s almost always one side that drains more than the other, but it’s still something we’ve been keeping an eye on. hopefully i’ll be able to get a more concrete answer at my post-op, once she can see the swelling up close and look at the drainage numbers from the past week.

as i’ve been getting some use of my body back, the pain in my chest has gotten a bit more obvious. it’s milder pain, and when i’m not doing anything it’s mostly painless to the point where i’m going a lot longer between tylenol doses, but when i’m using my body, i can definitely feel it. the fact that i’m not avoiding physical activity like the plague as much means i’m noticing more pain even though objectively my pain levels have gone down — the things that hurt now didn’t hurt less before, i just didn’t even attempt them before because i knew they would hurt so much. now that the pain is down, i can try more things, which means i’m more likely to try something that ends up hurting. of course, you should always try to follow the if-it-hurts-then-stop rule, but you can’t avoid the pain altogether as you learn your body’s boundaries, so i ended up getting to a point where getting better feels like getting worse.

on that note, i’ve also learned that there’s a pretty distinct difference between milder “i should proceed with caution” pain and intense “stop what you’re doing right now” pain. as much as avoiding things that hurt is ideal, it’s not always realistic, but my body has definitely been very clear in telling me what i can and can’t compromise on. in the beginning i was really paranoid about doing anything that caused any pain at all, but now i’m more familiar with where i can push a bit further if needed and where i really need to hold off.

i’ve been getting chills much more easily lately, and they’ve also been SUPER strong. i’ll be watching a show or listening to music and something will give me chills, and it’s a really intense feeling all across my ribs, and even thinking about the thing that caused it brings on a whole new wave. i’m super curious to see if it’s just a temporary result of my nerves doing their thing or if it’ll stick around long-term. it’s not unpleasant at all, i honestly really like it.

i got some food for myself for the first time today (day 6) and it just involved slicing some pretty soft cheese, but wow, it was a workout for my shoulder. i’m guessing it’s because i haven’t really used my muscles in that way for a week, and because not being able to use my chest muscles means i was relying on my shoulder a lot more to do all the work of moving my arm. by the time i was done, just holding the block of cheese to put it back in the fridge felt like lifting weights.

i didn’t change my shirt the first few days but i’ve changed a few times now, and we’ve perfected the art of getting a button up shirt on me without overreaching my arms at all. basically, you want to put both arms into the sleeves before you lift the shirt up onto your shoulders, because once the shirt is on one shoulder, you have to reach back a lot farther to get to the other sleeve. once you have both arms in, you can lift it onto your shoulders and button it. ideally, whoever’s helping you should do most of the work to pull the sleeves over your arms so you don’t have to stretch your arm out to get them on. i’m sure that’ll be overkill once i have a bit more mobility, but for now, it works great. it definitely would be tough if the shirt was fitted though, so i’m glad i went up a size.

i hope my posts like this have been helpful, or at least interesting to read! i’ll definitely keep updating as time goes on and things change, and i’m also going to work on a breakdown of my experience at the hospital pre- and post-op, as well as my post-op appointment experience once that happens tomorrow.

y’all are getting the good, the bad, and the ugly of my recovery experience. i know a lot of this has been very focused on the bad and the ugly so far because surgery is generally rough, but i’m going to see my chest again tomorrow so stay tuned for some good!

[naamahdarling]

MY medical update:

I am beginning to feel like I will never reach the end of anything. I am legitimately folding like a wet house of cards. My mental health is being profoundly negatively affected as my identity as "a unique and vibrant human being with a meaningful life" is increasingly subsumed into a deeply trauma-adjacent and depersoning identity as "a patient", with all the associated expectations that I will repeatedly and with minimal complaint allow people I barely know or have never met access to my emotions and my traumatized and marginalized body. That is not safe space within which to exist. Medical professionals, even the very kind ones, often forget the toll that "care" can take. (Bad ones disregard it altogether.)

My unusually high degree of emotional awareness allows me to see what is happening, and even allows me to cope with it very well, but "very well" is still not enough to make this sustainable over the long term. I don't actually know where to go or what to do from here.

I am torn between wanting to get all of these appointments out of the way as quickly as possible, so that I can relax without anything hanging over my head, and spacing things out just to give myself room to fucking breathe even though that means I will always have something lurking in the near future, causing me dread. I've run the math in my head over and over and I still can't work it out. There are too many unknowns, and too many variables, and too many ways things could go wrong either way I go.

I don't even know if there is a right choice. I don't know if there is a best answer. I've never been under this kind of pressure for so long before, I have been struggling with one thing or another since before the beginning of the year, and it is genuinely starting to do what I believe could turn into lasting harm.

I had a long and helpful talk with my boyfriend tonight, and while it did not fix much, it did help me to understand that the constant pressure on me is making it difficult for him to be here for me as much as he would like to be able to, and that's obviously distressing to him. That hit me really hard, because that is exactly the position I was in earlier this year trying to get his medication refilled and trying to help him deal with a deeply incompetent dental clinic.

I very much appreciate that he shared that with me, and I probably will try to find a way to slow things down and space things out, because even if I don't know that is what is best for me, if that is what is best for him, that's what I want to do. I've been so overwhelmed trying to manage my own emotional state that I sadly have not stopped to think about the effect this has had on him. I do feel guilty about that, but the important thing is that he let me know and I heard him.

I am very tired, and I'm praying that next week is uneventful. I don't have anything scheduled, but that doesn't mean that something annoying or even actually horrible might not occur.

Right now I'm going to have a snack and go to bed and hope that the pharmacy refills my meds tomorrow so that I can go back to having 30% less ADHD.

[fentrashcat]

So I think my Tourette's might be trying to kill me at this point.

⚠️mentions of self injurious tics⚠️

1. My head knocking tic is getting harder and happening in more frequent bouts to the point that I'm surprised I don't have bruises. It hits so hard that my mom heard it from across the room and it made my eyes water.

2. So my tics like to mess with my breathing already but it's usually a short pause of holding my breath before a tic. A few days ago I was just forced to hold my breath, and of course I hadn't been able to get a deep breath or be ready for it. It was only like 30 seconds or so but I couldn't make it stop even when my chest was starting to burn.

3. A little context for this one- I have asthma and have been struggling hard with the season change, so I'm using my rescue inhaler more frequently. If you haven’t used one before or used a different one, you're supposed to puff as you breath in, hold it in for about 10sec, release, and repeat one more time. Tics decided they don't like my inhaler anymore and keep trying to spit out the meds while I'm holding my breath. So I end up having an asthma attack, and having to fight my own body to take in the meds so I can breath, which makes the whole process far harder than it needs to be. Sometimes the tic succeeds (choking me in the process) and I have to start again. Thankfully my inhalers aren't too expensive but I have a limited number of refills. Due to my Tourette's antics and worsening asthma I went through a brand new inhaler in less than a month when they usually last at least 2.

I've gotten a referral to neuro (THAT is a whole nother story, bc that doctor's appointment and following day was ROUGH), but who knows who long it'll take to get in, and even once I'm in who knows if there's anything they can even do to help. I'll probably need to go back on medication but I didn't react well to that last time. My only solace is that I'll be going back to the practice that diagnosed me, except I have to see an adult doctor this time and not a pediatrician, but hopefully they'll be more well versed in Tourette's.

I need to get some sleep since I've got work tomorrow, but thank you for reading!

[ros3ybabe]

Daily Check-in - August 7th, 2023 🎀

So, it's been an emotional last two weeks. Mental illness is never a fun thing. I slipped off from taking my meds and as a result became inconsistent with my goals and daily routines. I felt powerless to myself. I stayed in bed as much as possible, cried constantly, and had no energy for even the simplest of tasks.

But, I'm feeling better, and I even accomplished some of my goals/daily habits today! I managed to begin taking my meds again, and am still in contact with my therapist. I'm bound to have rough days, rough weeks, and even rough months. I just remind myself that it's okay to feel these rough moments for what they are, but to not let it make me spiral or keep me held down. I believe in my ability to care for myself, and listen to my current needs when I am in a depressive state as I have been. There's nothing wrong with low energy days. There's nothing wrong with needing a break. There's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. 🩷

🩷 What I Ate Today:

Breakfast - Was not feeling it today but needed to eat for my medication, so I had three hashbrown patties with some ketchup. And, of course, a cup of coffee.

Lunch - A delicious turkey and cheddar lunchable with one serving of lightly salted cashews. The lighter the lunch, the less tired I am when I get off my lunch break.

Dinner - I ordered some domino's pizza and cheesy bread because I was craving it, only ate 2 slices of both but it was sooo good and now I have leftovers!

Snacks - One cup of coffee after I got off work and a few bites of Ben and Jerry's Half Baked ice cream, which is currently my favorite ice cream.

Water ~ not enough, I made the mistake of forgetting a reusable water bottle when I went to work, so I didn't really start drinking water until like, 10am.

It's not my cleanest, healthiest, or best eating day, but I'm happy that I listened to what I wanted. Not every day will be like this, and that's okay. Moderation and balance are key <3

🩷 Workouts - Pilate Abs

Again, I love this one to start of my ab day! arts easy enough for my little plus sized self to accomplish and makes me feel proud for even attempting thus video and completing a workout!

I also love this one by Madeleine as well, her workout videos honestly just click with me and I am here for it! This one wasn't completed fully as I have a bit of trouble completing plank exercises, but as I continue to build strength and better my form, I know I'll get to a point where they will become easier

🩷 Habits I Accomplished Today -

Made my bed

Morning workout

Morning and Night Skincare

Morning guided journal

For my first day back on routine I'd say this is a win! Being able to complete any of my goals and habits for the day is definitely a good thing, and I'm proud of myself for accomplishing what I have today.

🩷 Song of the Day: Cake - ITZY

SHAKE IT SHAKE SHAKE IT SHAKE BUSS IT UP BUSS IT UP

My girl Yuna did so good in this song, and all of their outfits are cute and the energy is there and they all look so happy and this song makes me want to get up and dance. I may or may not be trying to learn Yuna's lil dance part....it's so satisfying to watch!!

That's all for today! Pretty proud of the way things have gone, and hopeful that tomorrow will also be a nice day for me. It feels good to be posting again!! I missed this <3

Til tomorrow, lovelies!!

[sweaterkittensahoy]

Ooh! Ooh! For hurt/comfort prompt: “You really don’t realize just how many people love you, do you?”

Pairing: Crosie

Every morning, Harry meets with Jack to discuss the latest sortie plans. Even with the success of Big Week and D-Day, there are still missions to plan and places to bomb. The Germans aren't giving ground, so they're having to continue to take it one drop at a time. 

"One more thing," Jack says when Harry puts down his empty coffee cup after they've finished all the business Harry knows they're meant to discuss. 

Harry clenches his fingertips on his cup for one moment, then lets go. "What is it?" he asks, though he knows it's about Rosie. It's been about Rosie every time Jack's held him for one more bit of news. It's how he found out Rosie was alive. That Rosie had a broken arm. That the Russians were getting Rosie back to them, though it would take awhile.

He hasn't been able to write, not on the move with the Russians, but Harry's written him. Filled a whole little notebook in the last six weeks with everything he'd tell Rosie if he was here. It's helped him focus, to write down every little thing. To think of Rosie as alive and doing his best to come back to him.

"He's due back tomorrow," Jack says, and for the first time in a long time, Harry sees Jack smile. "Not exactly sure what time, but tomorrow."

Harry stares. He blinks. He lets out a sharp laugh. "Yeah?" he asks, jumping up. "Really?!"

Jack stands. "Really," he says. He gives Harry a considering look, then shrugs and opens his arms. "Come on," he says. 

Harry laughs again and wraps Jack in a tight hug. "Jesus, Jack, talk about burying the lede." 

Jack chuckles and squeezes Harry back. "I needed you to work a little today."

Harry pulls back and grips Jack's biceps. "Thank you, Jack."

Jack scoffs. "For what?"

Harry thinks about how many nights he worked late and left while Jack's light still showed under his office door. He thinks about the way Jack's laughed less and gotten even quieter than he ever had been as the pilot to Harry's navigator. The way he deflated when Harding had to be med-evaced to London and didn't brighten up again until word came that Harding was fine and would be stationed in London. How he hadn't really smiled again until he'd actually gone to London on leave and seen the man himself. "For all of it," Harry says. "For…being Air Exec. Taking on having to give the shit news." 

Jack stares at him. "Who else could have done it?" he asks. 

Harry lets go of Jack's biceps so he can grab his face in a rough show of affection. "That doesn't make it less impressive you've pulled it off, Jack."

Jack closes his eyes for a long moment, and then he pushes hard at Harry's chest, but not enough to actually knock him off balance. "Get out of my office, Crosby. I don't need your lovestruck stupidity to stick to the furniture."

"Pretty sure you've got that covered with Harding," Harry says, and he hoots as Jack kicks at him and chases him from the room.

Harry jogs all the way out of headquarters and into the bright sunlight of the morning. He stops a few yards away from the door and lifts his face to the sky. He's had a hard time looking up since Rosie went down, felt like it was bad luck to check the sky for anything. But now, knowing Rosie's due back tomorrow, it's the easiest thing in the world. 

*

Harry watches from the control tower balcony as Rosie's Jeep drives through base. He beams at the sight of all the boys running alongside. He can't see Rosie clearly, but he sees the way he ducks his head and knows he's blushing. He wants to run alongside with the boys, but if he gets close enough to touch Rosie, he won't let go, and Rosie needs to debrief. He's given Red a note to pass to Rosie: 

My Rosie: 

I'll meet you under the control tower when you're done. Take your time. I can wait a little bit more to get you all to myself. 

I love you so much. 

Harry

The Jeep stops at headquarters, and Harry uses his binoculars to see Rosie's face as he tries to get out of the vehicle and go inside. He's not swarmed, but it's a close thing. Harry feels warm and happy at the way the men crowd around to pat Rosie's back and push him gently to his objective. 

Once Rosie's inside, Harry goes into the control tower to look at the latest weather reports while he waits for Rosie to find him. 

*

It's two hours later when Rosie finds him. Harry's been under the control tower for ten minutes, adding one final entry to the little notebook he's kept since Rosie went down. 

"Oh, there you are," Rosie says and drops on the ground next to Harry. "Red gave me your–"

Harry cups the back of Rosie's head and kisses him, spreading his other hand over Rosie's chest and pushing against him until he can feel his heartbeat. Rosie kisses him back with similar fervor, looping an arm around Harry's neck and placing his other hand over Harry's on his chest. 

When Harry pulls away, Rosie drops his head into Harry's lap and smiles at him. "There's my fella," Rosie says. "Fuck, I missed you."

"Missed you, too," Harry says. He touches his fingertips to Rosie's lips and smiles when Rosie kisses them. "Saw your hero's welcome," he says. "It looked nice."

Rosie shrugs and turns his head, presses a kiss to Harry's belly and takes a deep breath in. "It was good," he says, his voice a little muffled. "Kind of odd to see them all run up like that."

Harry combs his fingers through Rosie's hair. "Really? It was much more sedate than I would have expected."

Rosie looks up at Harry, his brow furrowed. "Huh?" he says. 

"I said it was much more sedate than I expected," Harry says. "Pretty impressive they didn't dogpile you, really."

Rosie laughs. "Sure," he says.

Harry curls his fingers in Rosie's jacket and gives him a little shake. "Don't joke. You came back from the dead."

"Well, not really. Red told me they made a base-wide announcement that I was all right."

"We did," Harry agrees. "But that doesn't mean it isn't wild to see you show up after all this time."

Rosie levers himself up on his wrists. He winces and clearly shifts his weight off his just-healed arm. "What are you talking about?" he asks. "You knew I was headed back. Everyone did."

Harry gets both arms around Rosie's middle and drags him into his lap sideways. Rosie flails and giggles, then leans into Harry with easy confidence. Harry presses a kiss to his forehead. "You really don't realize just how many people love you, do you?" Harry asks.

"The boys like me fine," Rosie says. "But I wouldn't say they love me." He shifts so he can press his mouth against Harry's neck, and then kiss his cheek. "Now, you, I know you love me."

"I do," Harry says. "Rosie, I love you so much. You have no idea the relief I felt knowing you hadn't died."

Rosie kisses his cheek again. He reaches up and cups Harry's jaw. "I'm sorry I went down, sweetheart."

Harry can't help the bitter laugh at that. "You're a pilot. Odds were against you staying up in the air from the beginning."

Rosie huffs and shifts so he can see Harry's eyes. "Well, you'll be happy to hear I've been grounded."

Harry's heart slams in his chest. "What?" he gasps. His fingers drag across the back of Rosie's hand on his face until he can curl them around Rosie's wrist. "WHAT." 

Rosie smiles, though it's a little bittersweet. "Yeah. Humanitarian missions only. I tried to argue my way out of it, but he…well, he shouted me down."

Harry laughs, much more open and joyous than the previous one. "Holy shit," he says. He holds Rosie's face in his hands and kisses him hard and messy and giddy. "Holy shit," he says. He thinks of the notebook he has with him. Full of people asking after Rosie, of checking in on Crosby. Of stories of the base–stories of the boys telling stories about Rosie to give the replacements something to hope for.

..."he went down, but he's coming back. You might get that lucky." I wanted to scold Douglass for the phrasing, but honestly, what better luck could there be? Fuck, Rosie, the way I miss you, the luckiest goddamn pilot to ever fly…

"Promise you'll still love me on the ground?" Rosie asks. "I'm really hoping it wasn't just my flying skills that got you interested, Harry."

Harry kisses Robert's mouth, then his cheeks, then his forehead, and then his nose. "I'll love you in the air and on the ground and inside and outside and upside down."

Rosie tips his head back and laughs, and Harry kisses his Adam's Apple and decides he needs to add one last note to the notebook before giving it to Rosie to read. A final letter promising to love him forever, putting it down in writing so Rosie can know without question how much one person loves him.

[glacierruler]

vent post

I can slowly feel the force of my emotions coming back. Which is not a good thing.

Let me explain. My meds muted my emotions, they didn't get rid of them, but my emotions were a lot more subdued. Which made life easier for me, because I was crying at things less, I wasn't getting as overwhelmed with my emotions, which is not a fun feeling.

But now I've run out of meds, and have to call my doctor to tell my insurance company to cover the fucking meds. Which shouldn't be causing me so much anxiety, but it is. If I had an income I could pay the $33 for them, but I don't. I'm working on that, because I need to be able to move out next year. It has been two days without them now, because I haven't called the doctor due to a mix of anxiety and being extremely busy despite not having a job. So I've got to call my doctor tomorrow and hope the insurance company quickly goes, "okay fine we'll cover it." This is the first time this has happened to me, and I don't understand what's going on but I know it's bullshit. Considering the insurance company is like, "we need to get your doctor to sign off on this" but the only way I could get the meds is if the doctor prescribed them to me.

Either way I'm going to get this done with as soon as possible, I'm just upset about what's going on. Does not help that ever since I haven't been able to take my meds I've had a headache.

And this post isn't even getting into all the other things my meds help with.

[mizufae]

This is Korben from this morning at the internist specialist. It was just a consultation today. Tomorrow, however, they are doing all SORTS of invasive things. He is gonna get a full endoscopy and colonoscopy, a liver biopsy, samples taken from his gallbladder and bile duct, and he’s gonna have a feeding tube put in!!! Our beautiful handsome boy is going to get all kinds of terrible bandages.

What’s wrong with him, you may ask? Well, after throwing up every day for over a week a couple weeks back, we did urgent care vet and then multiple ultrasounds and rounds of blood work, all showing an increase in his billirubin and inflammation of his pancreas, gallbladder, and liver. He stopped throwing up but then got a respiratory infection and was sneezing boogers for a week. Coupled with all of this he had lost over a pound in the past three months and had already been underweight. And then he stopped eating. He has only eaten tiny amounts in the past two weeks and is continuing to lose even more weight.

So, what could be going on? That’s what all the procedures are for tomorrow! They are going to take all the samples from his various bits and culture them so we know the exact kind of medicine to give him. And meanwhile, we will do steroids to help the inflammation, and be able to get food into his stomach and put all his medications in him through his feeding tube, instead of forcing pills and goop down his throat and traumatizing him multiple times a day. It could just be a worsening of his preexisting IBD. It could be an obstruction in his common bile duct or small intestine or gallbladder. It could be small cell lymphoma! All of these are treatable, though IBD is progressive and lymphoma would mean different kinds of cancer treatment and palliative care.

This is all costing an arm and a leg, but Korben has a very rich grandmother who would be downright offended if she didn’t pay for it, thank goodness. The less expensive diagnostic option was just more fuck around wait and see ultrasound bloodwork bullshit which would lead to months and months of trial and error. There are of course risks to all of this, but Korben has been under anesthesia before and done just fine, and other than his complete unwillingness to eat and his elevated liver values, his blood work looks good, his energy and personality is still there, he completely got over his runny nose, and he hasn’t thrown up except for once a week ago which was before we stopped the antibiotics that obviously upset him so much he stopped eating or drinking and all he would do is drool and try to spit them out. Sigh. Poor guy. Fingers crossed though, because although we have now interacted with four separate very competent vets and numerous techs, nobody has ever given us an indication that Korben is unlikely to recover.

Other good things: I’ve now learned how to give IV fluids and injections! It really is super simple, as long as your cat is mellow like Korben and you have a second person to be another pair of hands. The needles are like the least troubling part. I love the immediate relief and comfort Korben exhibits when he gets fluids. I know myself how it feels to be terribly dehydrated and in pain and then get an IV, so it’s a great feeling being able to do that for my cat. Yesterday I gave him his third vitamin b12 injection (he is getting them weekly for now), and he didn’t care for it one bit but it was fine. So now, I’m confident that if anyone else I care for needs injection meds, I can give it to them! I am honestly shocked I’ve never helped a trans friend with their hrt or anything before this, but now if it ever comes up can be like “let me help! Just act like a cat!”

So. I am currently in the “ignore it until shit happens” phase where I’m trying to just project calming normal energy at Korben, who is currently sleeping in a sunbeam by an open window. Tomorrow morning he is going to be going through it, so keep him in your hearts and all that. And then afterwards will be the notable experience of gooshing puréed food in through a tube in his neck! Eeeek! Then it will be some time to get the cultures done, and then it will probably be over a month of antibiotics and other supportive meds. Egad! Fingers and toes and eyes all crossed.

Thanks @penaltykeks and a few other people who have checked in and asked how me and Korben are doing. I’ve just been sort of trying my best to engage with pleasant things online and not write out my worries because I’ve learned it doubles down on my rumination. BIG UPS to Zoloft, which REALLY FUCKING WORKS for me, I would basically be a pile of quivering useless bones and fat without it. As it is I am a quivering pile of bones and fat that can give IV fluids to my cat and call my mom and do the dishes. 😽🤞

[clatterbane]

Thankfully obtained after work today: a cooler for a little temporary non-freezer storage! That's another thing we had, but it must still be sitting in our old house on Plague Island.*

(And yep, I really need to run the Roomba through here. But, I've been staying a tad distracted.)

Plus, some more chill blocks that are now in the freezer. Along with a couple of 1L drink bottles with water in them to help take up the slack as DIY reusable ice packs after he picked up half the commercial ones that I would have. We already had a few reusable ice blocks in there. I wish I had thought of the bottle solution before he even went out, so they could go into the freezer earlier. Ah well!

Currently inside there: that carton of milk I accidentally froze, which I was wanting to set back out to thaw and use anyway. Plus some lettuce I wanted to eat soon instead of throwing away while I was just clearing out the vegetable bin, because it won't hurt it to sit in there.

The milk situation shoud be win-win: it can continue thawing itself out, while also helping chill the cooler down before I add more ice packs to keep it that way! 😎

I decided to throw that insulated shopping bag in there too, because it shouldn't hurt and the little extra insulation might be useful. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Part of my galaxy brain strategic plan here is also that we should be able to grab that bag of refrigerator stuff out, to free up the cooler itself to shovel at least some of the freezer stuff into temporarily when the new fridge is on the way.

We are apparently getting this model instead of the Husqvarna, because it was actually in stock today:

That is also like $400-equivalent less expensive, and looks perfectly fine. Much better than what we've got now even before the fridge compartment broke down, so really not gonna complain.

Unfortunately, we'll most likely not get it until after the weekend. 😭 That store does indeed seem to be part of a smaller more local chain operating under some Elon franchise setup, and they handle their own deliveries/installations. But yeah, the delivery people are apparently pretty booked up through the end of the week and will get back to him tomorrow.

Was hoping for sooner, but we are in SO much better situation in the meantime since the freezer is still chugging along. *fingers crossed*

I am currently trying to get more perishables cleared out of the fridge before they can start stinking things up. Not much is going in the cooler, at this point. Stuff like pickles and vinegary sauces may be fine at room temperature if we use them up soonish, and a lot of other items are already untrustworthy. Mostly salvaging longer-life stuff like cheese and some vegetables.

* Which is indeed still in our legal possession, with a bunch of stuff in it that the moving company just did not get like they were supposed to. 😒 Unless burglars have been in after petty household shit like that, who knows. I am not too happy about Limbo House, but hey. It's complicated. That is indeed one reason why I am still surprised sometimes not to find items that we totally should have, though. I remember packing a lot of them.

[powerrangersystem]

Hi, not sure if you'll get this in time but I start spravato tomorrow and was reading up on what to do/not to do all over the Internet and it said taking benzos for up to 2 weeks before treatment can make it work less efficiently. I just got out of inpatient where they scheduled my spravato treatment but no one told me this! I'm going to try not to take my Valium before my appointment tomorrow but I get very anxious leaving the house/socializing so it's going to be hard, and I take two 5mg Valium a day, every day.. just wondering if you have experience being on benzos while doing eskatamine treatments and how it affected you. I also tend to watch violent shows/movies and they said that could be bad too; just wondering about your experience since your post about the treatment was one of the most detailed I found in the spravato tag. Thanks for your time, and I'm glad it worked for you! The more positive experiences I read give me hope.

Hey! I don't think I got to this in time, I apologize! But I hope it all went well. I would definitely talk to my doctor about the med situation. I'm sure they'll be able to help you figure out what to do.

As for watching violent things, I do too, but I don't do anything violent or scary during the ketamine itself. I listen to something soothing, like music. There are even ketamine treatment playlists on Spotify if you feel like using those.

I tried to listen to a scary podcast once and it did make the experience a little daunting, so I don't do that anymore. But even with the podcast I didn't have too bad of an experience, so I wouldn't worry too much.

Good luck and I hope it all goes well for you!

[faofinn]

Day 28 - Poisoning (alt 3)

@mediwhumpmay

It was Jess that raised the issue first, Finn having let slip confided in her. He'd been in hospital for a week, his seizures somehow apparently uncontrolled with all his usual medication. Seventeen saw him in the adult ICU, with new rules and less freedom. Steve kept up with him, doing his best to help Finn transition smoothly. It didn't make sense to Steve hoe Finn wasn't recovering, no infections or otherwise, but the repeated status and too many recurring seizures screamed something was wrong. It seemed odd, though, after so long of his current medications working so well, but talks were had of switching. 

After a particularly rough day, Finn mainly out of it on benzos, he muttered to Jess about the food. He'd spent the better part of half an hour pushing the food around the plate, his fork putting in the miles but not once making it to his mouth.

"You've got to have something,Finn." She hummed, trying to encourage him. "You didn’t have lunch either. Just have a little bit?"

"Not hungry." He lied, pushing the table away. "You eat it if you're so concerned."

"It's not mine to eat."

"Probably for tbe best."

She narrowed her eyes. "Why?"

"I don't want you to die."

"I know hospital food is bad, but it's not that bad." She tried to joke.

"No, it’s poisoned." He said, as if it was common knowledge.

"Finn, no. It’s not poisoned, I promise." She said gently. "I think that's just the ICU messing with your head."

"No, I know when that is, when they give me my meds, but I've not taken them so it's alright."

Jess frowned. "What do you mean, you've not taken them?".

"I spat them out." Finn said. "So I don't get poisoned as much. But then they still put it through my cannula and cause my seizures."

"Hold up, wait a second." She held her hand up. "You've not been taking any of your meds? Even your normal ones?"

He shook his head. "But you can't tell anyone. They're not my meds, they're just poisoning me, Jess. You've got to believe me."

"Finn…"

His face fell. "You don't believe me, do you?"

"I know the icu messes with your head, but i promise you, they're safe. Not taking them will be why you're still in here. That's why Steve can't get on top of things."

"No! It's because they're poisoning me!" Finn was close to tears. "Please, Jess, please."

"Finn, they're not, honestly. You know I'd tell you the truth."

The tears were quick to fall, but Finn refused Jess' comfort immediately. He felt betrayed, beyond betrayed, and he turned to her with tear tracks down his face. 

"Get out." His voice was hard. 

"Finn, come on. I'm back at school tomorrow, I'm not going to be able to stay as long as normal."

"Good. Leave."

She sighed. "Are you sure? You're not just being mad at me and you'll regret me going later? I can't come back in once I'm gone."

"No. You're on their side. You can tell mum and dad not to bother too. I'm going to sleep."

"Alright then. I'll text you later. Please try and eat something. They've not poisoned it. They've not tampered with your meds either, Finn. They're the same they've always been."

He didn't grace her with an answer, rolling over as she collected her stuff. She didn't understand what they were doing to him, to his meds and food. How she didn't see what was so painfully obvious, Finn couldn't work out. She was normally smart, normally understood him when nobody else did, but now she was just a bad as everyone else. 

"I'll see you later, Finn. I love you." She tried, hesitating in the doorway. 

"Whatever."

She sighed, but left, knowing she wasn't going to get anywhere with him. She headed to the nurse station first, to tell them about the situation. She knew she had to tell someone, but she couldn't help shake the feeling she was snitching in him. 

Steve was there too, a stroke of pure luck, and she was glad she could explain it to him face to face. He wasn't expecting her admission, though, but after a few moments he remembered a few of his early admissions, and it was clear that history was simply repeating itself.

It wasn't common, but it wasn't entirely unheard of either. He thanked her for telling him, aware of the inner turmoil her face told him she was going through.

Jess left after that, choosing to drive home and take some time to decompress instead of hang about in the hospital lobby on the off-chance he changed his mind, or in case of emergency. 

The drive home helped, but as she pulled into the driveway, she groaned. Finn’s parents had a right to know, too, and she owed it to them. She took a moment to breathe, head resting against the steering wheel. After recomposing herself, she sat back up, straightened her jumper, and started the drive to Sheila and Fred’s.

[words-at-4am]

I am posting to vent really.. I feel as though I am stuck in this loop. I’ve worked 7 days a week for the past 3 months straight minus a week for getting the cold. And it’s really messing with my mental health. At first I thought I could handle it.. I was making some more money, I was active every day.. I thought it was making me more productive.

The other is a stable reliable job in the medical field, which I never wanted to be in. One that drains me the second I enter the door. One that is extremely stressful because, while it’s stable and the spot is secure and easy to get to, it pays way less. I’m a pharmacy technician with no schooling background or prior medical knowledge in a low income area. Someone’s always screaming and crying. We are constantly denying ppl there meds because of insurance issues and it’s just mentally a lot on my soul. Not to mention i dam near break down everytime someone asks me an array of questions I don’t know the answer to even after working here for 7months. Rightfully so since pharma n POC don’t have the most trusting relationship. They look at me and think they can trust me, which they can I try my best to fully assist anyone and use every method to help even ones my coworkers would “overlook”. But It’s a lot. I know nothing about pharmacology. I barely took Tylenol before this job. I thought it would be a good stable job to signify that I was finally getting my life in order, dropped the arts, which I love and got a “respectable” profession.

They said I didn’t need any prior knowledge and I’d pick it up as I go.. the only thing I know how to do by heart is fill pill bottles. And even then.. I can’t pronounce half of the pills. Someone ask me a question I have to tell them to hold on and ask someone else…. And they always side eye me. Like somehow I, who was hired with no prior knowledge at all.. should know things they did after years of schooling. If I had a headache I drank tea, I’m Caribbean🤣 I didn’t go buying 3 types of pain killers it’s not “common knowledge” to me. In any case I feel like I need to drop one. I’m so tired now. Bags under my eyes, skin a mess.. I have more money I suppose but not enough to keep running myself into the ground. I have no time for doc appts , hair appts , spend time with family or friends. Do any hobbies, I just sleep. I don’t eat properly anymore I just eat whatever is closest outside..lately I’ve felt the urge to randomly bursted into tears having to go to bathrooms to pull myself together.. I force and drag myself up every morning but especially to the medical job. & no I got no kids. I live with my disabled mother. I know I need to make a change.. But I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to make the wrong decision & end up without a job. The first one is so finicky they could tell me that it’s not working out tomorrow and that would be it. The medical one is unionized. But tbh I suck at my job.I wanted to go back to school, but it’s been so long since I’ve dreamed of something to do that wasn’t just to survive...

In any case.. I feel like maybe I just stick with the pharmacy because it stable. I am looking for other jobs but there isn’t much luck. I still apply everyday to at least 5. My friends & family say follow my heart and care for my mind. But I don’t want to be the only person in my circle without an “adult” job. Or in school. I don’t want to be end up the broke or liability person, I don’t want to burden those around me, I don’t want to be 25 in my moms home still lost on where to start. I had a rough childhood, abuse of many kinds etc. I never thought I’d make it to 25.. now I’m here I’m grateful.. I just want to be able to take care of myself financially and also have time to care for myself in other ways, then care for my family. So.. yeah this is the first time in months I’ve said a word about how overwhelmed I feel. Sorry if it’s a lot or sounds like it’s not that deep.. it is to me.

And thanks for having a space I can release.