#and theres no way ill have a response to that and then ill go to hell | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

pixelprofligate · 9 months ago

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yea fuck it here's all the ones I've made so far yippee

#pixel art #aseprite #my art #pokemon #pokemon tcg #im going insane slowly #one of these days the mud will consume me #the worms will devour my rotten flesh and view me as a boon #and i will meet god and she will say #dude what the fuck was up with the time you made all those pokemon tcg things #and theres no way ill have a response to that and then ill go to hell

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pkmoth · 5 months ago

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having swap au thoughts. *slaps roof of claus* there's so much mental illness in this guy. im gonna blow up everyone in the room and then myself

#what if you felt unbearable guilt because your brother went missing in the two seconds you were separated #and you feel like there mustve been Something you couldve done to prevent it #if only you had stuck together. if only you hadnt let him tag along on your basically-a-suicide-mission in the first place #but none of those things happened so you go through three years blaming yourself #continuing to search for him because maybe hes still out there. and maybe exhausting yourself on an aimless search is a way you can atone #and then you're pulled into this big destiny adventure so your searching is put on the back burner #you're so busy doing important things and meeting new friends and there are points in your adventure where your heart feels lighter #and maybe you open up just a little about the crushing guilt you feel. and your new friends say it wasnt your fault #maybe you start accepting that your brother is really gone but you have to keep living your life #saving your brother was a far out dream but saving the world is something you have the power to do #so you try your best. so you dont fuck up this time #your guilt becomes the fuel keeping you going #and then at the end of your journey #you find out one of the biggest obstacles on your journey #the human chimera that you felt kinda horrified at and a little bad for even as you fought them #is your brother you've been mourning and agonizing over not being able to save #so um. The Guilt is even worse now #now he doesnt just feel responsible for his death. he Now feels responsible for him becoming this Creature Thing under porkys control #and in a lucas dies scenario. hoogh i cant imagine how claus would feel after that.......#however the thing that spurred this post was thinking about the lucas lives postgame scenario (it just got a bit out of hand lol) so.#your brother is alive and back home again and youre so unbelievably glad #but the guilt still creeps up every time you see how much hes Changed. physically and mentally #you had just started to accept the fact youd have to live without your brother but somehow having him back is almost just as painful #things cant just go back to how they were before. youll never be the exact same happy family as you used to be #its strange adjusting to having lucas back and its strange trying not to step on each others toes with their trauma #you cant help but be clingy because you couldnt bear it if he disappeared again under your watch #but nobody wants to be watched all the time especially when youre recovering from your brainwashed identity as an army commander #FUCK I REACHED THE TAG LIMIT I WANTED TO RAMBLE MORE AUGH. THEY MAKE ME SO ILL. i swear its not all angst theres some lightheartedness in it #mother 3 swap au #mothfics

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qoldenskies · 5 months ago

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FIRST DRAFT DEFEATED!!! its 54k words currently

#personal #canary continuity #i still need to lengthen/change some scenes #theres some long exposition in some scenes that should probably just be cut for like. the events #leading up to the important moment.#although i enjoy representing the overthinking/anxiety so i'll try to find a way to keep most of it #and a currently really important foreshadowing/thematic scene i want to make more subtle #originally there was going to be more than what i ended up with but most of the time when i complain about pacing its LITERALLY just me #also i need to cut some repetition that isnt intentional for the sake of showing the kind of. circular self-blame going on in d's head #because especially in the face of a psychotic break its intentional. but in some places i need to make things more abstract i feel #im kinda happy with most of the early scenes though. favorite to write was mikey... whats going on in your head little guy #i love the little unnerving ways it shows they are still actually CONSCIOUS beneath whats going on. like enough to resist it sometimes #itll get explained more deeply in the aftermath oneshot but thats why the change was slow and subtle #it was more an alteration of their thought processes/intrusive thoughts that slowly ate them alive #the progression felt normal for them #but notably raph actually is holding back the whole time and i think thats pretty interesting #and actually kind of horrifying LOL he couldve been so much nastier #anyways ill stop yapping now. youll see what i mean when im done #its a really powerful curse. i actually have a lot of ideas for the character responsible that explains why #and i even know the motive behind it. im still a little iffy about including her or making her a continuous threat but i Miiiight

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itsalwaysdark · 6 months ago

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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is

#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And #make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not #saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was #going to say #like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so #bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the #winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000 #other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but #i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its #been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody #responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple #muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it #but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like #im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good #solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start #all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the #punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4 #im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but #even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think #avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is #like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they #hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be #the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO #difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15 #minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case #it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel #stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and #tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i #tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction #like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint

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lupismaris · 5 months ago

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#nothing makes me truly reaffirm my commitment to being poly like the day after a rugby match #i love my bf. i love them wholly and truly for who they are. i dont want them to change outside of healing. y'know that being the best you.#but i dont want them to be someone else. so the fact theyre not a coddling caregiver isnt something I'm ever going to change in them.#they bring me coffee and check in on me and set reminders for my meds and tell me when they have to leave for errands with mum #but they always have to see to other responsibilities because they are that person.#and I love them for that. i love them for being a dutiful son and a pragmatic foreman who prepares for the week.#what does this have to do with polyam james you may ask? well ill tell you-#im learning as i have been for a while now #that as i am a chief caregiver for many ppl in my life including bf and now the ruggers (im a board member)#i deeply deeply DEEPLY want/need care when im in crisis or at a low point and theres no low point quite like post match #when your systems are coming down from adrenaline and everything fuckin hurts like hell and whats worse you're injured #im not good at being taken care of i acknowledge that. but to be coddled and handled with care rn?#have someone to sit with me and make me food and eat with me and help me stay tethered and hold me a bit and smoke with me #idk not even in a sex sense just to be held and cared for #thats why poly am is a thing for me. i love my partners and I dont want to change them i dont want to force all this on them #certain needs can be met by certain ppl in certain ways etc but love is love it is always love its just shown differently #as i was writing this bf called to say he was bringing home nonalc beer for me. i know he loves me. i know he cares. it's just different.#tbd im so very tired and achy and weepy today dont mind me #the match was great for the squad but im not thrilled with myself #hence wanting to curl up in a hole and not come out

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arundolyn · 8 months ago

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its really interesting to me how the resident vampires in general of gg and bb have such completely different ideologies. mostly in reference to slayer and rachel but i think this somewhat extends to clavis also bc iirc he wasnt an observer but still kinda played by the same rules. theres at least a plot reason for rachel not to stick her nose into anything plotwise but she still kinda does anyway and i think even if she didnt have the bystander restrictions she wouldnt deign to interact with anyone all that often. i like the dichotomy of the alucards' general attitudes towards humans being at least moderately scornful and superior to some extent even if not actively despite still ultimately wanting to help out (mostly rachel tbh but theres still elements of the typical fiction vampire superiority complex type shit just in general vibes wise for all three of them, esp in relation to like. fuzzy) and slayer's attitude that humanity is a beautiful thing and wanting to help the people he comes across despite having no particular incentive to do so aside from personal fascination and goodwill. rachel already built in having some level of scorn for humans as lesser and also having ample incentive to never interfere with the main storyline as it carries out but doing it anyway because despite these things she still cares despite the active threat to her Literal Existence vs slayer having no skin in the game either way if he does or doesnt help anyone out but still deciding to try to help others find their way regardless just because if nothing else its the most interesting thing to do from his perspective. he has no external motivation TO or NOT TO interfere with anything, its just essentially long term people watching and hed rather do good than do nothing

#crow.txt #ggposting #blazblueposting #not a dunk on rachel or any of the alucards for once its just an interesting dichotomy #and also the like. slayer being very chill with the whole living forever thing. he gets to be with his wife forever and help lost souls #and hes content with this. pretty cool #and whole assassins guild thing WOOF.#also not to say slayer doesnt have any supernatural superiority complex adjacent stuff going on #its just more flippant and subtle. hes chill about it. he states it like a fact cause it is and jokes about it #like ah yes ill try not to crack you in half like a twig sorry about that!#vs rachels whole Bark Like A Dog You Are Beneath Me Worm Become The Dirt I Tread On shtick #which very. very. very quickly gets tired. between her and valk. like its funny at times but i never really like haughty bitches #unless theyre funny or self aware about it in some way. like wagner unib is just so fucking unhinged about it that its hilarious.#she grew on me. rachel admittedly has too over time but theres just some inherently grating aspects in my brain #shes not even funny about it.............#like eliza too. talks mad shit. she can back it up at least. like hardcore. rachel can too but its kinda boring #eliza is ready and willing to just cut someone down for being remotely in her way. she dgaf.#i think one of the most crucial differences is you can talk to slayer However and he'll be chill about it to some extent #vs rachel getting big fucking mad if you say something unintentionally disrespectful like calling her a kid. and acting like shes not #like if your first response to a normal person saying 'uh hey kid wheres your parents??' is Lightning #i dont think youre actually as high and mighty as you like to act. youre just kinda irritating and childish #the 'you have to respect me utmost before i treat you like a human being' is not cute ma'am

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funkle420 · 4 months ago

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*takes my last adderall so i can finish all my work in one day*

*finishes one (1) assignment*

*gets distracted and spends the rest of the day hyperfocusing on delicious in dungeon again*

#i rewatched half the anime last night cause i was too tired to do anything else #i even almost got sucked into reading the manga again the other day but forced myself to stop after 1 chapter #def gotta buy hard copies #this is one of if not the only thing i can enjoy multiple times IN SUCCESSION!#actually i was like this with turning red and spiderverse too but #dunmeshi is different.... dunmeshi is special..... my enjoyment of it is more than just the animation or the art.....#ive never felt this particular way about anything but i've always wanted to #in the past my fanart often felt a little forced even tho i liked those things it was hard to get excited about anything #i think dunmeshi is partially responsible for my depression being in remission #literally #the only depression i feel since spring is about financial problems or being lonely #tangible stuff #but it's not the deep internal depression ive felt for most of my life #idk how to explain but like there's layers to depression #the easier kind to heal from is based in identifiable current issues like loneliness or financial troubles or grief or burnout #then theres the kind that comes from complex trauma or i think sometimes its genetic too #i thought that part would only go away once i solved the surface level stuff and could heal thorugh positive experiences to contradict #the pathways my brains formed overtime via trauma #but although ive had a few moments that have helped #i think dunmeshi. moving out of my old apt where i lived with 3 cishet men into an apt with 1 chill roomie. having time over summer to #get used to a self made routine (despite having MANY financial issues and still not being able to spend it how i planned)#all that is mainly what helped!#like for the first time i was getting excited abt stuff!#i still kinda struggle tho with maintaining that excietment #except with dunmeshi!#it's like no matter what my excitement hasn't diminished #thats very comforting #i gotta force myself to engage in more media so i can find more things to love #i have a habit of putting off things i know ill love bc i wanna be ready for it #so that if i do love it ill have the time and energy to get inspired and make fanart

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gay-fordeath · 6 months ago

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#dont call anyone im safe im fine im just venting. tw for suicide/self harm/kind of intense language. ideally no ones reading this tho #bro i cant keep living like this #i dread waking up every day so much that i dread even falling asleep #i got insomnia medication in my system and my brain is still like nope absolutely not #i cant keep up at my job even when i am rested enough #i get headaches every other day #my instant mental reaction in the face of stress is to hurt myself (i have not)#like fuck. i work for the disability department of an insurance company #i know for a fact that (probably) every contract stipulates we wont cover disabilities as a result of self inflicted injuries #which is supposed to prevent ppl from taking advantage of the system or whatever #and im always like if someone goes to the lengths of actively injuring themselves to the point of disability #in the name of 'getting out of work'#that person is not 'taking advantage of the system' THAT PERSON IS FUCKING MENTALLY ILL #AND I WOULD KNOW BC I AM ONE OF THOSE PPL #do not come for me on some shit about wanting to disable yourself being morally questionable i cant be concerned abt that rn #i gotta focus on the fact that i hate my life so much id rather break my own right hand than continue it #its an improvement from the active suicidal ideation but its still a symptom of the passive ideation #fucking hell. im too self aware so i absolutely feel like im faking it or making shit up so i can be lazy and not work and whatever #but FUCKING CHRIST theres no way. if i had a choice i wouldnt let myself feel like this.#i just got to a point where i can live alone and support myself. i was so happy and so proud of myself. I don't want to lose that #but god every phone call i have to make for work makes me want to hurt myself. every early morning (and there arent many!!! i mostly work #from home!!!) makes me wish i was dead. i have to sleep for hours after work more often than not. i cant really maintain my living space #theres fucking. mold and discoloration and shit on a bunch of my clothes and some of my bags and shit!!#cause i cant fucking keep my room clean and my basement apartment got fucking humid over the summer and so much moisture got trapped #i constantly have dirty dishes getting moldy before i get to them #i just dont have the fucking energy. i want to take better care of my space. i want to be more social. i just want to go to sleep without #fucking dreading waking up. i wanna go a full week without a headache. i want my stress response to be something other than the intense and #overwhelming desire to cut myself. if i start again i dont know if ill be able to stop and i know i wont be able to keep it to my arms/legs/#easily hidden parts of my body. last breakdown i escalated to my face and i know ill pick up from there.#fuck

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gibbearish · 1 year ago

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u ever have to back out of a drama explained video bc ur like. i agree that that person was in the wrong but the way youre presenting them is just unsettling

#like theres a difference between 'hey heres a breakdown of who waid what and what happened' and #'look at this zoo animal and what a freak they are for this freak thing they did‚ everyone point and laugh at them wherever they go forever #specifically if you put quirky music and a dramatic voiceover over a clip of someone having a screaming #breakdown in their car telling people to leave them alone i think thats uhhhhhh fucked up no matter what they did #and ppl will always be like 'well they could just log off so its fine' and its like a) didnt we learn in like elementary school that #cyberbullying is still real bullying #like to me that gives the same vibe as 'why didnt they just leave' irt abusive relationship if that makes sense?#like yeah physically they are capable of just logging off. physically they can choose to leave. but theres a lot more #that goes into it than just 'can i physically leave'#like. ppl who do abuse over the internet know how the internet works and know how to use #means other than ohysical strength to keep targets under their control #'if you dont respond to my messages whenever i send them ill kill myself. no i didnt directly say that but #i repeatedly messaged you at times i knew you had just gone to sleep faking suicide attempts making you feel #like its your fault for not being available to respond 24/7'#its 'youre the only person i can talk to about these things no one understands me like you. you are my whole support system and therefore #wholly responsible for my mental health #if you leave me ill have no one so you will be dooming me to fall apart on my own when i need support the most so you can never leave me'#its 'how can you break up with me right now knowing im feeling suicidal‚ its like you want me to kill myself‚ you did this deliberately bc #youre a bad person. my life depends on you staying with me and i will never not be suicidal #and even if i was you saying that would make me feel that way so you can never break up with me or youre responsible for me kmsing #im not saying thats at all the same as ppl taking drama too far and freaking out abiut stuff however i feel like a good portion of it #carries over specifically the fact that. they probably feel like they /have/ to stay logged in‚ to keep their drama public #they have to keep defending themselves and keep reading responses and keep going and going #plus like. of course its the big freakouts that get lots of attention and therefore get even worse #good or bad people like spectacle‚ you never see people calmly resovling disagreements because they.#get calmly resolved then everyone moves on and forgets it. so you only remember the wild ones #like esp for like. kids on tiktok #we all had meltdowns about petty shit at one point or another we just were lucky enough to grow up just before #social medias jumped over to video content so it doesnt have our faces tied to it #idk. i just think ppl should ask themselves 'how would i feel if an audience of thousands was watching my lowest moment like this'

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mewhenifreakit · 30 days ago

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ti's the season ( of reflection)

#january new year new beginnings reflecting to learn n grow and such #realizing a lot about like my life 2 years ago up to a year ago #vent i guess #i lost a actually all of my friends for a few months because they were all like fighting with eachother n then slowly gained like 2 back and #then those 2 fought n like just actually had no one in my corner for a while even my partner at the time wasnt really there for me and for #so long i was just so isolated but had to like pretend everything was fine and i lost my closes friend who was also extremely to my now ex #having introduced us:/ well i guess after a frw months i was able to connect to 2 new friends and i made of with 2 older ones and i lost #like actually 10 or so good friends which sucks so hard actually and like my mother would say oh well you were going to grow apart going to #different colleges anyways but dam what a nasty way to go there was like weird fighting cant even get into all of it for the year before it #and then i was actuslly genuinely depressed for months and i felt like a responsibility #and duty to break up with my partner because i felt i was not there for them at all #and i felt they didnt understsnd me anymore it was a lot going on but i felt the relstionship wasnt good for them and they didnt deserve it #but then after breaking up with them like that so did not help the lonrlyness n numb all cosnuming feeling x #but then i started at a new place and made a few new friends and i got closer than ever with 2 people and i learned a lot #there are 2 friends i still love who dont get along andni miss when they did they were so close and lodt eachother and i see them both #and theyre both doing better i guess #ill always miss like 3 years ago when the kid in my who thought id never make friends felt so proud for being a genuine part of a group #but even then when i was in the group i always felt like no ones first choice and like jesus thats rough idk #and i mean the whole thing about being someonesfirst chose or best friend i mean people contain multidues ur never gonna be like first frvr #but idk now i have such beautiful kind friends and im not depressed anymore #i remeber the first time i stsrted feeling like emotions again and realized i wasnt numb like i had been for a year it was so crazy #like woah depression is a beast theres just..nothing like such nothingness and i remeebr being like oh my god i actuslly feel something #and i started like remeber things again and crying and now i cry so often its something im so grateufl for over the past year #ive really been able to become my self over 2024 and yeah thats emotional there was a lot going on since like 2018 for me #and its finally settling #and im just sorta shocked now because i feel so much emotion so strongly but i like felt nothing and remebr nothing and just loet myself #for so long #like even before tgat there was a lot going on and i felt so out of control and then ntohing for months and then slowly #slowly because i had a few friends who loved me and i had a new routine and i was away from some people i started being me #2025 the year of being me :') also just learned u can only have 30 tags

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too-much-boobus · 2 months ago

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never let me yap about how dsms are based off of external behaviors which affect the neurotypicals around us and not the actual internal experience and thats why ill never be diagnosed with anything and ill never experience community and i felt so isolated and corrupt and singularly awful as a child that i thought i was irredeemable and incomparably worse than my SAer

#the guilt of aligning myself w any disorder without a diagnosis oh my god..#the insane pushback against fakers did NOT help. like how is that more important than anxious kids w imposter syndrome alr suffering #people are so obsessed w not having to deal w their ableism by pointing at people theyre uncomfy by and labeling it fake to seem morally sup #erior #the gatekeeping too.. like i understand what its in response to but alsp im going to kill myself #and how anti labels therapists are like ohh ur generation is so obsessed w being mentally ill if its not debilitating it doesnt matter #girl im just trying to know im not alone?? im trying to know this is normal and theres others like me and theres an explanation for all the #things that scared me so much as a child??#like doing research on a disorder and tearing up from the idea that POSSIBLY this is you because its explains everything about yourself and #means that theres a community out there that youre not going to be isolated and misunderstood forever and die alone #only for people to be like. well you dont ACT like it #being shaped by a traumatic environment in such a way that ive learned to keep everything perfectly in check and controlling even the #uncontrollavle because survival instinct makes you do crazy unnatural things is its own kind of hell #anyway that was my rant im done now and im scared to hit send because what if im wrong about everything and im a horrible faker who doesnt #deserve to speak out and needs to die rn #globs #☆

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phagodyke · 4 months ago

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#told my roommate ive been depressed this weekend and she kindly offered to watch a movie but i knew shed be too tired and need to cancel #bc of the clocks changing and its ok i know how tired she gets i was the one to suggest it was okay if she cant + it was still a nice idea #but now im alone for the evening again ive been alone all weekend and weekends are the hardest for me and i thought i was feeling a little #better but im not and theres nothing to stop me from harming which is okay i keep it safe and its always a choice i make to do it or not #not anyone elses responsibility but i didnt want.to be alone tonight thats all. and offering something she knows she cant fulfil makes me #feel rejected too and i also wanted to talk abt some of her behaviour that upsets me sometimes but gently bc i dont want it to seem like #im blaming her bc its not her fault im so bad at communicating and neurotic and weird abt shit that doesnt even make sense #but its been bothering me for a really long time and it comes up again every time we meet with other people and i get really upset over it #and im the one that keeps putting off talking about it but its so hard when its been gping on so long and i find it so hard to express #anything and communicate especiallt when its shit like this but im so so so so tired of sitting on it i just want it resolved one way or #another and now i wont see her for a few days bc of this family trip and itll be on my mind the whole time and the thought is making me #feel insane already ive wasted so many hours and hours being upset by her and not being able to talk abt it i need it to stop its not even #that big a deal.it just is to me. and i dont know how to say anythign ever #and she wants to make plans with friends next weekend which feels like hoisting an anvil above my head bc if i dont go i risk having a #rejection sensitive episode bc im vulnerable rn and this is exactly what happened over the summer and it took me months to recover from but #if i do go ill get upset bc ill feel unwanted there and ill be dealing with the same issue that comes up every fucking time and either way #ill end up harming in response to it bc i cant handle how intense my emotions are and i dont have any better outlets right now #for these specific feelings and i dont want to do that i want to be a normal fucking human being who doesnt lock themself in a #stupid fucking iron maiden style repression over completely innocuous shit that no one would even know im reacting this way to #i cant do it i cant do thjs anymore i cant i want it to stop im so tired and it hurts so so much feeling so much like this #they should make a mind for me that is capable of not inflicting distress this intense on itself i need to explode #actually. maybe since i wont see her for a couple days i can write a long discord message about it instead. i know its a shitty way to #deliver information but maybe it would be easier that way rather than trying to summon the courage to say anything in person when im #usually actively upset abt it at the time and my immediate response to getting upset is to shut down and not express which doesnt help #and its so stupid but i need it to not be like this i cant keep living with her and getting so upset so regularly it has to stop now #ill think about itand maybe draft it. and then i can decide. but right now i need to eat. and pack. and then cut sorry. but its ok #ughhhhfdhf. please let this week be better ill try harder ill say something i have to im the one inflicting this on myself by not talking #about it!!!!!!!!! so. man and i think my dinner is cold now too. oh well #.vent #tw self harm

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slowmo-yo-yo · 1 year ago

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IM THE KING OF NICHE PAIRINGS😋😋☝️

what’s the most niche/lame/embarrassing thing you’ve ever read fanfiction for. looking things up as a joke or for morbid curiosity doesn’t count i mean like intentionally just searching up and reading for personal enjoyment

#DUDE IVE BEEN FUCKING WAITING FOR AN EXCUSE TO TALK ABOUT THIS BECAUSE I HAVE SO MANY INSTANCES WHERE ILL JUST LOOK RANDOM SHIT UP ON AO3 #I read The Hangover (2009) fic awhile back after watching the movie while doing a project for school #you’d think a movie with little to no internet fanbase would have nothing to offer but I read some pretty impressive phil/Stu fanfic #I was gen sat for a good 2 hrs reading phil/Stu #I think I read some Jack Reacher #like a lil tiny bit #i don’t think it was him in any romantic predicament #I think he’s an emotionally repressed loser who sucks but I liked the idea of him adopting some kind of #parental responsibilities for his not really from the second movie #I READ A SMALL RUSTY/DANNY FROM THE OCEANS TRILOGY FIC AND I DONT REGRET IT #the oceans trilogy boys got some kind of polycule thing going on but I gravitate towards Rusty/Danny more tbh #read a bit of dream husbands #Arthur/Eames and wasn’t super impressed but I was curious #DUDE KIND OF EMBARRASSING BUT OFC I SKIMMED A BIT OF FORD V FERRARI (2019) Ken/Miles #AND IK THE MOVIES A NONFICTION IN A WAY so it’s not totally ethical to read fanfic abt 2 real people #but curiosity killed the cat and I still ended up reading a bit #pookie Matt Damon I can’t help myself sometimes #last year late December I indulged in ONE good Jaws (1975) Martian/Matt fic #SUCH A TRAVESTY THAT THERES NOT MORE W THEM #PEOPLE PLEASE THERES SO MUCH UNTAPED POTENTIAL THERE #I read some Blade Runner 2049 found family featuring old man Deckard and his kids Kane and Ana #AND AGAIN you’d think a movie like that wouldn’t produce any redeemable fic but from what I read there seemed to be some kind of fanbase #for the movie #I def need to finish some of the fic I started and stoped for Blade Runner bc a lot of the fic I did finish for Blade Runner was super mushy #and sweet🤞🤞#Cant think of anything else atm but I have SO MANY EXAMPLES LIKE ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY #ever since outgrowing my embarrassment for looking random shit up on ao3 I’ve just been bombarding the search bar w potential pairings #just seeing what comes up🫡#you call it embarrassing I call it research

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itsalwaysdark · 4 months ago

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whining hours . sry

#like idk i try to like. imagine a future where i have like. friends. you know. Bare mimimum i have People i talk to. who arent lamp. and i #just cant imagine it happening again #like. i genuinely feel like i cant connect to ppl anymore and idk how id like. i dont see a way for me to do that ever again since i cant g #to school and like. sny job im able to get wouldnt be the kind where i like. meet people or make friends. and last year when i eent out wit #the express purpose of Making friends i literally couldnt. speak to anyone. like i just sat alone with my headphones on until it was time t #go home ... i dont know how to like. initiate casual conversation #+ like. i worry i get way too invested in any potential friendships bc i want so badly to be Normal and have friends and then i freak out #rly badly over something trivial. and thats entirely my fault like I need to work on not letting my freakouts effect the person im freaking #out abt. yk. like its my stupid brain that just gets rly rly overly defensive and weird abt everything its not like. I need to work on that #and thats another reason i dont knowif ill ever be able to make friends again is bc i genuinely dont trust myself not to get overly attache #way too quickly and then explode or something. idk #i also think maybe im just not meant to have actual lasting relationships with anybody ever. yk. like maybe im not meant to ever have roots #and maybe i just wont ever get to have stability and my life will always be entirely transient. Perhaps thats for the best so that i dont #have t like. lose ppl. and ppl dont have to deal with me #+ if i make bad decisions there r less ppl to care abt it. you know. which is a plus. idk #theres like. some parts of me r like desperate for friends and for love and to just . feel like i exist and Talk to people and like. have #stability. and then the rest r like No this is good bc we cant hurt as many ppl like this and also we dont deserve any of that so this is #for the best. and i just have to sit here like ok ! bc if i seek out friendships that part shuts it all down and if i dont the other part #makes me feel miserable and lonely. like damn i am destined for misery. but whatever. it doesnt rly matter DHRNFJFN im just being whiny #it just feels like i need like. ok this is my abdicating responsibility and is the reason i dont have friends disclaimer. i know that. very #aware. but i like. i need somebody to be the one to reach out to Me bc i like. i cant reach out to ppl like. i cant Try to initiate #conversations . but i think if there was a person who like. initiated conversations w me and started a friendship with me i like. i think #itd help me get used to Having a friend again and then id like. id be better at maintaining it and eventually id be able to pick up th #weight. but Obviously nobody wants to like. put in all that effort for somebody whos incapable of returning the favor possibly ever. yk #i need to just bite the bullet and humiliate myself and reach out even if its embarassing and even if it makes me have to throw up #<- happened one time when i tried to talk to someone new. which is so. oh my god. there r ppl who have avtual fucking issues and then im #just like boohoo i tried to think abt a conversation starter and got so anxious i fucking threw up. GOD. i hateit i hate it i hate it. but #wtvr. ik i cant actually expect that from anybody basically like. ik its a stupid wish. idk. i just wish i had somebody who could help me #like. remember how to mask and how to socialize Like a real person. and wouldnt mind that im like. weird right now. and would be willing to #talk to me until i got normal and stuff. wtvr. idk ... 10000 lashings

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snoopychris · 1 month ago

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heart stopping

warnings: non-descriptive car crash, dry humping

in which... cheerleader!reader finds two times in the same night where her heart stops

the second that you pieced together what the sound of the crash that came behind you was, your heart stopped. in recent days, your heart had been stopping. once per day, each time for all the right reasons. there was the time where you were walking in the hallway and matt said hey to you. there was the time where it was raining and matt walked you into the school under his umbrella. there was the time when you noticed the pokemon card in matt’s phone case had changed to piplup. weirdly enough, there was the time when Mr. Harrison showed you matt’s project as an example. but this time was different. this time, your heart stopped for all the wrong reasons.

your eyes squeeze shut for a moment as you gather your thoughts, turn off your car, and reach over to your glove box, grabbing your cars insurance and registration before exiting the vehicle. your hazards are on now, as are the hazards belonging to the other car, and you make your way over. after a brief interaction with the cars owner (grace, you learned) you assessed the damage of your car. it looked to be only a dent, and from what you could tell it was purely cosmetic. everyone was unharmed, both of you had insurance, everything was good to go.

the second you began driving down the road, your car stopped. turns out, the bump was not purely cosmetic. pain rushes through your head when you hit yourself on the steering wheel a few times. you groan as you grab your phone from the cup holder besides you, looking through your contacts. your parents are probably the last people you want to call right now. youre scrolling for a moment or two before you make the call.

you let out a sigh when the line rings, smiling when you hear the other end pick up. “hello?” the voice replies quietly with a crack in his voice. “hey…i-im sorry for calling so late. i got into an accident by the park on Dutch street. my car was fine but then it stopped and ive got no other friends with a license. is there any way you can come pick me up? ill owe you big time.” you whisper, crossing your fingers.

matt hesitates but then speaks. “yeah, im on my way. stay right where you are dont worry.” if any of your friends had seen the way your face turned red, theyd never let you live it down. while youre waiting you do the responsible thing and call a tow truck. when you see a pair of headlights pull up, you instantly assume the worst. you would assume it was matt if he didnt live so far away. when the car pulls up next to you and you realize it is matt, youre okay. he rolls the window down and smiles, gesturing towards the passenger seat. you climb in with your belongs carefully, being as respectful as possible. he sends you a small smile and you take in your surroundings. theres a comfortable silence that sits between the two of you. somehow even with how much chaos you put up with when youre with your friends, you enjoy it. the silence looms for a while but then its broken.

“it smells salty in here…” you giggle, throwing your head against the headrest. matt nods slowly and shrugs, glancing over at you. “i was just at the beach, i sit there when i need more quiet than my room provides. you were at… practice i presume?” he eyes your uniform, the top half covered by your varsity jacket. you nod in response, adjusting the ponytail your hair was in. “i was. we have to come up with new routines.” you smile, licking your lips. matt adjusts the rearview mirror and then his glasses, running a finger through his hair. the small talk continues for the entirety of the car ride, but it didnt take more than 3 minutes to realize how comfortable matt was when talking to you when there werent any other people around. you swallow your spit and frown when matt turns onto your street.

you take a leap that you never expected to and speak. “pull over here.” you whisper, matt complying while he raises his eyebrows. you take in all of his features before leaning over the center console, holding your face dangerously close to matt’s. “say the word and i stop and leave right now.” you whisper. a shaky exhale exits matts mouth as he shakes his head, cupping your face in his palms as he presses a gentle kiss to your lips.

youve had a fair amount of kisses before, but there wasnt a single one that came to mind that was quite like this. not a single kiss in all of the previous ones you had shared that were so full of lust, passion, and love. no, not a single one of your previous kisses had any trace of love. you’re the first to pull away. matt couldnt find it in himself to. he was finally kissing the girl of his dreams and you expected him to pull away? no way in heaven or hell.

the two of you sit for a moment, avoiding the gaze of one another. you go to break the silence by speaking, but youre cut off when matt presses another kiss to your lips. you gasp at the sudden feeling, but not a single bone in your body cares. the hand that matt previously had sitting on his steering wheel moves to your thigh, and the hand that had been resting on the window moves to push his seat back as far as it can go. you catch on fairly quick and move to straddle matts lap, never once breaking the touching of your lips. the song that was playing on the radio is tuned out, but you make it out to be doja cat’s “Agora Hills”. this time when the kiss is broken, its due to matt. part of you thinks that he only breaks the kiss to discuss the hardness thats poking your thigh, but he surprises you when he semi-ignores it.

he stutters as he looks away from you, face flushed with embarrassment. “im a virgin…” he whispers, the suddenness of the confession being the only thing that really shocks you- not that youd ever admit that. you nod as you kiss his neck gently, grabbing onto his hands and placing them on your hips. “thats okay. i am too.” you whisper, making matt’s ears turn red. you had always heard rumors floating around the school that you weren’t, but they didnt bother you, people would always believe whatever they wanted. you look at matt, silently asking for some sort of permission.

you never verbally get the command, but you catch on pretty quickly when matt begins moving your hips for you. you let out a small noise at the feeling, letting your body take control. matt’s breath hitches in his throat and he lets out a moan, his grip on your hips tightening. “fuck…” he mumbles, his eyes shooting between the way your face looks as youre grinding yourself on his jeans and the way your skirt looks when your legs move. the actions continue for at most ten minutes, though for both of you it feels like an eternity. your hips only come to a stop when you let your orgasm take over your body, collapsing onto matt’s chest, his tshirt stuck to him due to all the sweat. matt only lets go of your hips when he lets his own orgasm take over, a dark, wet spot forming on his jeans and part of your skirt. the two of you gather your breaths for a few moments, a moment only ruined by matt’s phone ringing.

he composes himself as you slide off of him, gathering your belongings from the backseat. you wait patiently for matt to hang up the phone, licking your lips. “its just chris… he wants me to bring him some ice cream when i go back home.” he whispers, to which you smile and nod. you shoot a glance of reassurance at him, looking over to your house. “guess i should go then huh…” you whisper, not wanting the moment to end so soon. matt lets out a hesitant “yeah”.

you open the car door and begin stepping out when matt grips your wrist, sending you a smile. “this doesnt end when you walk into that door right?” he mumbles, worried about the outcome. his heart flutters when you shake your head, pressing a kiss to his knuckles. “this doesnt end when i walk into that door.” and for the second time that day, your heart stops.

๋࣭⭑ a/n: :P and thats all i have to say. aside from dividers by @issysh3ll kiss kiss! -gen

๋࣭⭑ tags(reply or message to be added): @ifwdominicfike @frankoceanfanpage @mattssslutbby @sophand4n4 @matthewsturnsgf @izzylovesmatt @m11rx @chris-hallelujah @isabellewhatt @st7rnioioss @yuppocarzy @mattsbrat

#⋆˙⟡snoopychris #matt sturniolo #matt sturniolo au #matt sturniolo fanfic #matt sturniolo fluff #matt sturniolo series #matt sturniolo smut #sturniolo triplets #the sturniolo triplets #⋆˙⟡matt!#matthew sturniolo fluff #matthew sturniolo #matthew sturniolo smut #matthew sturniolo fanfic #⋆˙⟡nerd!matt

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maudiemoods · 2 years ago

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For those who don't know, it's where artists come together and pick one color palette to use. They can draw whatever they want as long as they use those colors! At the end, you all share them to see what each other made!

Omg I want to do the different artist same color pallet thing who wants to do that with me?

#I've seen it a lot on insta #idk i think itd be fun #grr the urge to start a discord where monthly challenges are held #but theres so way akdnsjd im just an idead man idk how to actually maintain something like that #and I'd have to go inactive and push the responsibility of running it on others #i have things i need to work out and I really need to step up #so sorry for those in the coloring book discord #like really sorry #ok im off topic ill go now ndndjsmsjs

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