#and therapy is becoming more annoying than it is helpful bc i just do not wanna talk abt what’s wrong anymore it makes me feel worse

[teruthecreator]

when the bipolar depression is bipolar depressioning👍

[aimasup]

EPISODE 3 SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT

aka my live notes on the episode as I watch again

The second ep I couldn't do because it came out when I was still working, so no energy or time :(

Here we go, long post warning:

The cartoon biology is amazing, it would make sense they'd explore that with all the time on their hands, it's so damn creative

In an alternate universe they would make for fantastic circus tricks

Gangle is DRAWING

Jax obviously would want to know how the newest plaything ticks. jerk

Zooble's. New. Look. 10/10 I'm sorry Zooble I know you hate your body but you are a cartoon character with a cool design

The reason I don't redraw enough screenshots even though I badly want to is because if we sat here and picked out every pose, expression, shot, joke, and meaningful momeny that i especially loved, we'd be here all day

It's nice that Pomni is still inquisitive and here it's mixed with fear of the Gummigoo incident repeating, continuity! ( °▽° )

Caine probably does take plenty of user feedback: When Zooble never showed up, he probably took into account what they might like in an adventure and tailor it to include them!! Even comments like 'immature'. Headcanon territory again whoops

Ragatha's little hand shimmies at when saying the house is scary she's so adorable you guys

She always wants to make things fun or at least enjoyable for others, but she isn't super stable herself, nooooo

The cartoon gags being like, physically real is the right kind of wacky and horrifying, of course these humans would lose it after a while!! Fits the tone of the series well

"I remember my first wild take!" "Gangle I'll get it for you!"

Kinger is so helpful he always wants to help and he talks exactly like a nurturing figure ಥ⌣ಥ even if his mind is. Not all there

Jax would be the worstttt to be in a haunted house with. Or even just play a horror game with. He'd skip all the dialogue and take the cutscenes at face value bc he just wants directions to do things

Caine hunting Zooble down good lord

CAINE THAT IS NOT HOW YOU PLAY HIDE AND SEEK

Zooble is being held hostage by someone with worse memory issues than Kinger trying to give them therapy that they KNOW is pointless. Yikes

The 'specially for Zooble' horror is SUPERB!! Gooseworx your roots are showing

This has escape room vibes. A controlled environment designed for mystery and entertainment except this time the players were actually kidnapped

Kinger and Pomni duo is. So good

Kinger slowly becomes lucid while Pomni loses it

Also all the voice actors are so good all the characters' squeaks and stammers and yells are full of such emotion

The gags are great. The 2d bit was a surprise and welcomed! Made the monster unveiling itself to be more haunting

I'm not a huge fan personally of the 'scary moment followed by funny quip' because it can repetitive after a while, so I appreciate that it wasn't too much of the case here

It's always the non-horror shows that have at least one downright terrifying episode huh

Zooble being open with their feelings because they know it doesn't matter nooooo

Caine is squishy. I'm now realising this, he is very squishy, eyeballs and all, even though he's the most robotic of the sentient cast

Caine doesn't even apologise for his actions, which makes sense sadly

They are nailing his programmed helper nature of not understanding deeper issues out of his comprehension, including his own!! But he still holds immense power and needs to slow tf down asap!! The adventures are for Caine as much as they are for the humans, in this essay I will

And Zooble. Zooble doesn't totally isolate themself, they hang out with the others! It's just that their body is already so foreign and uncomfortable for them, why on earth would they want to bring it out for even more foreign and uncomfortable experiences? The tent isn't so bad, it's massive and there's enough annoying bullshit behind each curtain to keep things less monotonous. They want as much peace and quiet as they can get in this disquieting form in this world. Everyone is trying to get control of their own situations in some way. And it's canon that they were newest before Pomni, keep that in mind-- in THIS essay I will

Zooble has many choice words that come to mind when they see you, Caine

Also Caine's expressions will always be peak. Love how he doesn't show certain more intense (vulnerable) emotions the same way humans do, he flusters, freezes up or glitches out instead

RAGATHA AND GANGLE DESERVE A GIRLS NIGHT. GOOD. TIE UP THAT MEDDLING RABBIT

Kinger I am twirling my hair as we speak

He's being very calm! Still scared ofc but he's so used to the madness of the circus, and for the first time we're actually seeing that in a way that isn't him being PART of the madness

The possession was horrifying loveeee (shhh don't think about the content farms with possessed Pomni that may follow it's ok)

"How's your wife, Kinger?" uncalled for. (cocks shotgun) game's haunted

Seriously I very much doubt that Caine put that in on purpose. But it's not out of the question that the magic hell circus game that sucks your mind in forever would mix code and consciousness for some fucked up results. I believe it's called uhh divine machinery? Idk

Pomni, let it out girl

These adventures have not, in fact, gotten easier for her to adapt. Really shows that compassion matters huh

(or does it? Jax may have something to say about that)

It's canon! Queenie is canon! And the truth behind Kinger's pillow fort is even sadder than we imagined!

And what's also canon is that Zooble is a great listener!! They take note of everyone's behaviour even though they don't go on the adventures!! They distracted Caine from his crisis!! They ended up being the therapist!! And it's not even on purpose ajkshdksksjskslslsksl they have no idea how they ended up in either chair

Will Pomni have to go through each adventure and come out of them the only one carrying the experience. I hope not. That would hurt. But I hope so 👀

Ragatha! Getting appreciation! Pomni's hair tuck! How often does Ragatha hear that even? Also Pomni is getting closer with the others, already hanging out and stuff, good for her!! Our cantakerous jester is finding friendship!!

Please make it so that Caine's alliterative terms of endearment get worse every time. Please it's so funny

TADC IS ABOUT HUMAN CONNECTION AND ALSO VIDEO GAME/CARTOON PHYSICS RGHRGJEHHHSHH

[bibookmerm]

getting my shit together

Ok, first of all: there are several skills I lack that it is becoming apparent I need to learn/improve.

One is driving. My wife and I are looking to get our first car. She needs it for work. She drives. Our roommate drives. But I dont. And I was just talking to my friend about how we can never get our friends together bc most of us dont drive/dont have cars. We need more gays that can drive, so I have to step up, lol.

Two. I need to feel confident hand sewing. It's not that I "cant". I know how to thread a needle and do a backstitch, running stitch, whip stitch. But I am very slow bc I havent had much practice, so it annoys me, so I avoid it. I have a dozen little fixes I could do and I should do those. People who sew regularly can do these things in like 10 seconds. I wanna be them.

Three. I need to learn to swallow pills BEFORE my top surgery in March so I dont have to be like "do u have liquid painkiller 🥺" because what if they're like "no". And also, needing an alternative is pricey. (this is something where I believe my disability comes in. Coordinating my muscles in new ways OR more quickly than usual is difficult for me. Like of course I swallow food every day, but normally I take my time chewing first, so to place something in my mouth and quickly swallow it feels daunting. That's the best way I can explain it. Just feels like a different ball game lol. My pcp gave me a trick to try, so I will try it.)

.

The other thing is, I am at a level of stress I personally find untenable. I am not wading through any major personal tragedy at this moment, so honestly I feel kinda like. Damn. Why is ~everything so hard~? Am I being dramatic? What happens when shit truly hits the fan if I am already unstable now? Well, I clearly need to put some measures in place now so I can tread water.

Such as:

Establishing a baseline level of cleanliness/clutter for the apartment. Aim for everything to be above that baseline most of the time, but understand sometimes it will sink to that level when something else must be prioritized above household chores for a minute. In its current state, I'm embarrassed to invite anyone over here. I want the baseline to be just, what I could deal with someone seeing. If I don't feel comfy having someone sit at my kitchen table or couch for an afternoon, it's too messy. I need to specifically write down the "acceptable level", get it up to that, and keep it there/above. This could also be a conversation with my wife and roommate to be clear on what everyone defines as acceptable and all work to keep it at whoever's ideal is highest.

Buying some wardrobe staples. My clothes not fitting is uncomfortable. I expect to gain more weight as I stay on T, sooo I should get some stuff that's a little loose now?

I've noticed I need more gender validation. I get misgendered constantly, working two public facing jobs, and I've started thinking some self depreciating thoughts. Maybe I need to work harder to counter these things within myself and not seek it from others, but yeah, this is one reason I need therapy. I had such a positive self image like a year ago and I'm losing it :/

Challenge my social anxiety. Another thing it's a good idea to have a therapist's guidance in. I feel so overwhelmed that I forget quality time with friends helps me recharge! I need to balance draining peopleing with healthy peopleing.

There's more, but if I can do this much, the stressors I cannot change should be easier to bear. Now to actually go set all the things in motion.

[arcgayne]

my reasoning:

(these rankings are based on multiple criteria, such as relatability, hotness, relevance, how interesting they are as a character, and so on and so forth).

1) Jinx: she’s literally me. so silly and mentally unstable. needs therapy so bad and it shows. i fucking love her. please get help queen

2) Ekko: literally has never done anything wrong ever. moral compass strong as fuck. bonus points for looking cool. he’s also literally me but jinx wins over him bc she’s more unhinged.

3) Viktor: my fucking beloved. Do I want to be him? Do I want to be with him? Realistically I want neither of these things but unrealistically I need this man in ways even the hexcore couldn’t comprehend.

4) Mel: God I fucking love a powerful smart beautiful woman. AND she has mommy issues? she’s literally perfect. i’m rotating her in my head as we speak

5) Vi: hot tragic lesbian. almost lost points for becoming a cop but then she quit so it’s all good. for now. I have knowledge about what she ends up doing bc of the video game and I am currently choosing to ignore it in favor of the show timeline. Let me dream.

6) Sevika: hot. muscles. vodka aunt. hot. emotionally unavailable. hot. did i mention hot

7) grayson: i think it’s hilarious that she ranks higher than everyone else below her on this list. she literally only gets points for being attractive. especially her voice like ugghhh. what else can i say.

8) sky: perfect angel. so fucking smart and cool. deserves better. i need to know more about her or i will actually explode. hearing her voice made me so happy y’all have no idea

9) powder: baby. deserves the world. only ranks lower bc she doesn’t exactly “exist” anymore or whatever. justice for powder AND jinx 2025

10) caitlyn: hot. but ew cop moment. the fact that her sympathy for zaunites was crushed so easily really annoys me. like girl do you even have principles. ur revenge era would be cool if it wasn’t police brutality like noooo caitlyn pls don’t let a dictator use you to further destabilize your country for her own gain you’re so sexyyy ahaha… idk man it’s complicated. she should quit her job and get a new one. and then get therapy.

11) Jayce: he’s interesting in that he is a good example of a privileged person attempting to make things better by utilizing the system, only to get sucked into said system, becoming part of it and therefore part of the problem. the road to hell is paved with good intentions. his intentions are so good and yet. he is idiot. I hope Ekko and heimydingy are able to lessen his idiocy.

12) ambessa: hooottttttttttt. so fucking hot. goddamn. have y’all SEEN the music video for blood sweat and tears. i’m fucking FERAL. unfortunately for her, looks aren’t everything and she’s the fucking worst so here we are.

13) elora: beautiful powerful wonderful woman. need more of her. what is her life like. have she and mel ever kissed. much to think about here.

14) heimerdinger: he’s annoying and he doesn’t take the much needed time to explain why he makes the decisions he’s making... but he’s also right. which i hate because he’s annoying. but i also like that he’s annoying because it shows the very true fact that ppl who are annoying can in fact be right about things. also his heist with ekko was funny and endearing so he has that going for him. ekko carried tho ngl

15) vander: he’s cool cuz he’s a swag dad. a kind man and a protective guy. all around a great dude tbh. ranks lower because he doesn’t have any particularly interesting character traits to me.

16) finn: he looks cool as fuck but isn’t relevant and is also kind of an annoying brat. which is funny but like also bro. stop.

17) ximena: literally lost some of her fingers to frostbite to protect her baby child kid son. based. i love her.

18) cassandra: milf. the scene with the her and the gun? cool as fuck. ranks lower bc, again, not very relevant. and also dead lol

19) tobias: imma be honest idrc abt tobias at all i just didn’t want to separate him from his wife. he has enough of that in the show LOL

20) claggor: sweet boy. deserved better. i wonder what he would be like now if he’d been able to grow up.

21) silco: morally i hate this guy but he’s also a fascinating character. he’s cool as fuck and a bitch. plus he does eyeball drugs. there are so many fucked up things about this dude i can’t list them all. overall he’s a very well done character and an absolutely fantastic villain. what a piece of work.

22) benzo: just an all around good dude. ranks low bc he’s extremely irrelevant. sorry dude. if this was a morals contest he’d obv be ranked higher, but it’s not, so here we are.

23) jericho: had to look him up LOLLLL thanks for making food for vi i guess. people who make food for other people are the best. that being said he ranks low because, again, irrelevant.

24) mylo: cringe fail asshole. not ranked last bc he was a kid, so i can give him the benefit of the doubt, cuz maybe he would’ve been a better person as an adult… but also he never got to be one so oops lol get ranked low loser

25) singed: brother euughhh. i like drugs too but not THAT much. maybe give this man some backstory and i’ll care about him. as it stands rn idgaf about this guy. i rebuke thee, get AWAY

26) marcus: fucking piece of shit rat. fuck this guy. selfish coward and i hate him forever. die

Here's a fun little sorter I put together for Arcane characters! Reblog with your list!

Let the sorting commence!

[imtheworst-imsorry]

I HAVE UPDATES!!! so my admissions team meeting went well, it was probably a lot more comprehensive than other people who’ve been in treatment before get, but this is my first time in any kind of ed treatment so they went through a lot of info. i’m still processing a lot of it, it takes my brain a while to catch up to important information, so i have a feeling this is all gonna hit me really hard within the next few days, but i do have (at least some) answers now and i feel better about having less uncertainty about some of that. they did stress that some of the details are really going to depend on how i’m doing while i’m here, both mentally and physically, but at least having some idea of how things are gonna go is helpful for me. one of the most important things i was worried about was a diagnosis, and ik some people would probably try to tell me that that’s not as important as the treatment itself, but i’m the kind of person that needs labels and names for my experiences so i feel more stable in my life and the situations i’m in, so it is very important to me. that’s why i pushed SO HARD to get the other mental health diagnoses and neuropsych testing for my autism and adhd. i have now officially been diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, binge/purge subtype, which i’m honestly pretty relieved by, idk why but i was super anxious that i’d get given something that would somehow make me feel more invalidated and make me feel less motivated to work on getting better, but this feels pretty ok, and it is the best description of my experiences (at least it’s what i felt was the most accurate before i even came here so i’m honestly quite relieved that my doctor agrees even though i never told him that’s what i thought i should be diagnosed with). i’m still really struggling with making myself complete my meals and snacks but i am doing it, purely bc i only get to stay off of wc/br and get to have my phone and laptop if i complete, and i need those to feel like i’m not completely isolated, but i know that there are gonna be days that are harder than others. i also have an idea of how long they think i’ll probably be here (4-5ish weeks from now) and i also have a rough goal from my dietician of where she thinks my target weight should be and where they want me to get to before i get discharged, but i’m not gonna specify that here rn bc i’m still processing that stuff and i feel like writing it here will make it hit harder or smth, idk. my parents had some good questions for the team, and they brought me a few more things from home, including some pictures of my dog, and we’re having a family therapy session on tuesday. apparently not a ton happens here on the weekends, and monday is memorial day so it’s basically a weekend schedule, too, which gives me plenty of time to think about all this but hopefully also plenty of time to find distractions so i don’t get too stuck in my own head. i’m gonna spend some time just decompressing from everything tonight, chill out a bit, one of the girls here has been teaching people to make friendship bracelets (she cranks them out so fast it’s super impressive, she came right up to me on my first day and asked what my favorite color was and handed me one, which was super sweet) i did one that ended up being more of a keychain bc the embroidery floss was too short to make a whole bracelet, but for a first attempt it came out really well. i’m still on bathroom observation, which is kinda embarrassing having someone stand there with the door cracked open while i pee but mostly it’s just super inconvenient bc i have to pee SO often bc they’re having me drink so much water and my body only gives me about 1-2 minutes of warning max when i need to go to the bathroom before it becomes an Emergency, so i spend an annoying amount of time hunting down someone to let me into the bathroom and doing the classic preschooler potty dance while i wait for them to come let me pee lol.

i think that’s all i’m gonna update for tonight unless i think of something else, i’m gonna rewatch as much of lotms as i can before they take my tech back for the night at 10

[goober-official]

I feel guilty

All the time I feel like I’m a terrible person, I feel like almost everyone in my life has left me, at a certain point I just have to wonder why, it must be because I have something wrong with me

I must be mean or unlikable I must be making mistakes that cause people to leave me so quickly. Is it me or is it just normal? Do most people only have friends for a few years and it ends either calmly or terribly. I’m never the person to start drama yet some how I always end up being caught in it, am I really the cause for the drama?

I don’t understand these neurotypical standards, everything is a secret, your feelings your thoughts your actions, you have to dig it out of someone in order to know anything, why can’t you just tell me what you wanna tell me? I’m so afraid of hurting people’s feeling and when I do I get so angry I wanna throw up, I’m so guilty when I upset someone I feel like scum.

I try to use the skills I practiced in therapy but sometimes it just doesn’t make sense, how am I supposed to talk to people when every time I speak I feel like I’m a fucking waste of air. People make me feel like an idiot for just speaking, I can rarely get words out fully without getting talked over, I am constantly trying to make everyone happy and when I start to not do that I’m selfish, when I use my voice I’m annoying when I set a boundary I’m a bitch

Actually it’s so hard to deal with and I’ve become so saddened by the sudden burst of hatred that has consumed my life, i have no idea what I’ve done to bring this into my life I try to be kind everyday, I put on a smile for those around me bc I believe it can change everything, I do this all because I truly believe it is how you heal the world and peoples pain, yet still I’m selfish, I’m lazy, I’m a liar , I’m a bum

These are the things I’m seen as, I’ve gone crazy because it it I just accept that is what I must be, it has made me angry and I wish more than anything to fix that.

I will be better, I know it hard,still I will try everyday to be better to love and to give while also allowing myself to do what is best for my life, I cannot sacrifice my life for people who don’t treat me with respect

Thanks for reading, this page has kinda become a diary of sorts I hope it helps you feel a little less alone

[littlemissidontcare]

Am I the only one thinking that AW's followers are becoming more than a little unhinged over something that doesn't impact their lives? Why else would they come here, annoy, badger, argue, and threaten people just bc we don't share their views on a relationship that has no impact on our lives either. On Twitter and IG, too. Some of them are acting like their lives are over bc - again - several people who make their LIVING off Hollywood gossip have poked holes in their fantasy of this relationship. I mean, Jesus, get therapy or something. When you spend HOURS a day trying to make other people see things the way you do, you need help. That is NOT normal.

Exactly. I’m not going to threaten a mod or any anons just because they don’t believe what I do, like I was threatened last night. Also, if that was you (not this specific anon I’m replying to) and you’re reading this, anon, go fuck yourself.

[sweetmoonstorm]

Hello I would love to request a match up from LMK from you!

Name: Katherine (Kat)

Love Language: Physical Touch/Quality Time

Personality: She’s extroverted and the mom friend. Generally very bright and cheerful, though her energy level will match those she hangs out with relaxing more not to overwhelm people. Has a bad habit of bottling up all her negative emotions, and even when breaking down will often try to deal with it alone rather than burden others, as she views it. She is always willing to help others in any way she can, whether doing things for them or giving advice (will drop anything she’s doing to do so). Can be rather sarcastic if annoyed or if retorting to someone else’s snark. Very stubborn and independent when it comes to doing tasks, also very obligation oriented while also being a procrastinator. Things out of her control triggers her anxiety the most.

Sexuality: Heterosexual female

Aesthetic: Bright colors and floral patterns and cute things

Appearance: Long straight brown hair often bound in a low ponytail, pale blue eyes behind glasses, very busty with slighter hips, pale skin with freckles over face arms and shoulders, usually dressed in either pajamas or shorts and t-shirt/tanktop

Fandom of Choice: Lego Monkie Kid

Anything sought out in general: Those who can keep more of a level head in stressful situations

Likes: Animals, Sweets, Stuffed animals, Singing, Baking, Hanging out with friends, Hugs, Sharing tasty food with others 

Hates: Anyone who messes with those close to her, Being unable to help those close to her, Burdening Others, Shoes, Pants, Things being out of her control

Ok, so-

(from by @magicmaiden36 ty ty)

After reading this, the first person that came to mind was Sandy.

I know that Sandy isn't really seen much in matchmaking(at least from my experience), but Kat and Sandy to me seem like the absolute perfect match.

I've got the reasoning too if you just click kept reading-

Sandy, the descendant of Sha Wujing is a big blue guy who has roughly thirty therapy cats, a violent past, and a like for tea and talking things out. He also looks like he could give great hugs.

Kat, your oc, is a girl who is fond of stuffed and real animals, keeping things under her control, and hugs. She also has the habit of bottling up emotions.

To a person like me, those two would be a sweeter than honey couple considering they get together.

Here's the generic backstory for these two.

For some reasons, I am able to see Kat being a good friend of Mei.

Building up from there, Mei gets into some chaos and is wrapped up into MK's crew, Kat later on becoming part of or supporter of the group, and being introduced to Sandy, the descendant of Sha Wujing.

Me being a sucker for slow burns (but at the same time an impatient person), I think these two would have more of a relationship where it'd be like "Oh hey! We actually have quite a lot of common, don't cha think? :3"

From there on, the relationship would build up until it's like. "Oh. *Oh.*"

Cue the many, many, *many* flower crown making and (free) therapy sessions with Sandy.

They'd be the couple that people get either sick of bc of the sweetness or jealous bc of the romanticness.(Is that even a word-)

And hey, benefits!

Free therapy for this oc!

At a point where Kat gets stressed out bc there's something outta her control, Sandy could just pop up behind his love and offer some tea and a therapy session! (Which is really just Kat getting to interact with all... 30? 35? of Sandy's cats, plus Mo, his look-a-like. With an additional feature of Sandy piping in and trying to talk through Kat's problems and figure them out with her. Woohoo.

I'll stick with a strong belief that he is a very good, if not the best, cuddle giver, so let that Physical Touch Love Language do it's thing n sit back and relax for those (horribly time consuming, waste of time, yet so relaxing and comfy) cuddles!

Mo would also be very cuddly + affectionate towards Kat considering she'd be his caretaker's honey, so a bonus!

(I refuse to abandon the belief Sandy would call Kat so many tea related nicknames, and just plenty of overly sweet nicknames in general)

Anddd That's about it for this match!

I hope this was alright, and have a nice day! >:DD

Storm

[mess-honestly]

LMAO reading the last post has me dying bc she SWIFTLY ghosted me after that. To be fair I think it was for the best but damn being rejected sucks. I have routines now! Go me! Running, meal prepping, reading, waking up every day and doing the damn thing! Do I need to be medicated? For sure. Do I need intensive therapy? Absolutely. But we’re doing one thing at a time over here. It’s honestly sad how desperately I want to be in love. I don’t want to wait for the right person I just want to FEEL. However that never goes well and I am just not allowed to date before therapy. We are staring a physical change now that’s helping us mentally but the mental change still needs to happen. Not really sure how I ever expect to be a good partner w/o it. I guess because i only ever imagined being a partner to a man and they suck and fuck up 24/7 so you don’t have to try that hard. I think dating women genuinely will make me fix myself because I wholeheartedly believe women deserve better. Who knows, maybe I become someone I like in this decade. Being in your 20s is so weird. Especially rn being 24. Such an awkward age. I feel like I’m behind on my life plans (love life). But I think that’s because I’m used to the narrative of getting married young. I am more educated than most people. It makes sense that I’m not married yet. There’s more to me than a marriage partner and I need to get that through my head. I know it’s because I desperately want a good relationship. One that I really want to be in, one that I am scared to death to lose. That’s what I want. I HAVE to work on myself though because I recognize my annoying qualities and frickin Lean into them it’s ridiculous. Look at me trying to be positive and then immediately chastising myself. Typical. Is it good that I always want to be better? In every way? Is it healthy ? Idk

[boombox-propaganda]

For the ask game:

7, 19, 21, 29, and 40 :D

Hi again!!! It always makes me smile when you toss one of these in my inbox, ty!

7. Favourite show(s)

Oh man, this one is actually hard bc I haven't seen a lot of shows in their entirety since I was little. I know when I was a kid, my faves were Beast Wars and Armada, and I've still enjoyed rewatching Armada (Beast Wars is harder because of how corny it is, unfortunately). As for favourite shows that I've seen more recently than 15 years ago, I'm actually really fond of Cyberverse bc I enjoy how it includes lesser known characters (also the idea of Soundwave as a memelord is hysterical to me.) I haven't seen a ton of Prime, but I also love what I've seen there since I think the animation style is cool and they actually redesigned Soundwave in a cool way for once.

19. A character you love that no one else seems to

Any of the Scavengers! Not that anyone really seems to dislike them, just feels like everyone except Misfire gets overlooked a lot. Spinister in particular is constantly rotating in my head like a rotisserie chicken and I have wayyyy too many random headcanons about him because I think he's super interesting.

21. A pairing you love that no one else seems to

Two answers - ShockOp (specifically IDW) and Nautiskids. For ShockOp, I think about their dynamic in a vastly different way to how I see a lot of fandom interpreting it and wish there was more fic examining it in AUs or with the nuance canon had and not just smacking them together like barbie dolls. Nautiskids just owns my entire heart but I don't see a ton of fic for it. Not necessarily that people don't like the pairing, guess it just isn't as popular as a lot of the main ships like Cygate and CDRW, alas.

29. A bot you could consider a mortal enemy

There's a few that could go on this list, but IDW Prowl probably wins. I fully recognise that a lot of his nonsense is probably because he needs therapy, but I have a real hard time with the whole 'I'm gonna feel guilty abt being terrible and then continue to manipulate ppl and be terrible and also nothing is my fault ever and history will prove me right' mindset.

(Second answer is probably Starscream. I love him so much and I think he's a fascinating character, but lying is a pet peeve of mine so I think I'd constantly want to kick his teeth in if I actually had to deal with him in person and not as a fictional character.)

40. What would you do if the Autobots landed on Earth right now and asked for your help?

Probably freak out in utter glee and become useless for twenty minutes, first and foremost, followed shortly by confusing everyone by asking a million questions in an attempt to figure out which continuity we're in and how scared I should be of someone shooting me or turning me into toejam.

Once I calmed down from the initial rush, I think I'd largely be annoying the hell out of the local archivist/information source trying to learn all I could about Cybertronians and the current situation re: Decepticons and such but ultimately, I would want to help in whatever way I could. I like to think I'm pretty okay at research and conflict resolution, so maybe I could sit on someone's shoulder and play Jiminy Cricket or help them get some information or something. (Also, first order of business is introducing Wheeljack to mythbusters. I just think it would be funny.)

Thank you so much for the ask!!!

[wouldnt-it-be-hilarious-if-i]

currently listening to: karma by taylor swift

if you would have told January me about this year...sheesh

*started showing more intense symptoms of a rare sleep disorder, completely tore my life apart, am now in the process of getting a diagnosis for it so I can go through therapy for it and treatment (it's not fatal or anything, just extremely annoying to live with)

*gave up trying to please everyone but myself. stopped telling people how im doing, stopped telling people about myself, stopped sharing my opinions, stopped overextending myself, started protecting my peace by shutting basically everyone out and being by myself

*fell out of love with the college ive called home for so long

*grown to hate one of my life long special interests because i kept meeting people who made me fucking hate it and then had to start rebuilding my reasons for loving that interest

*became significantly more spiritual

*I kept a diary religiously from age 10/11 to age 17. Stopped from 18 to 22. Started up again this year.

*Started writing fanfiction again????

*found some of my best friends on the planet

*started learning polish, taking beginner islam classes partially bc of a girl but then just bc I love learning about other religions, working on becoming fluent in spanish

*stopped liking everything I love and had to relearn how to love things again

*stopped feeling fomo and started admitting to myself that no matter how much I force myself to like something bc that's what ur *supposed to do* I can't force something that isn't there

*started recognizing relationships where i was accepting crumbs and not allowing myself to have patience for it

*quit my job at an ice cream shop bc they never trained me and then bullied me in front of customers and other coworkers for not doing anything correctly even when I asked for help or got help from coworkers who were also trained incorrectly

*completely lost contact with my dad and his entire side of the family; same on my mom's side except my mom and brother

*stopped explaining myself and started understanding that communication means nothing if the other party isn't interested in comprehending what ur saying

*Started the work of forcing myself to not defend people who treat me like a complete steaming pile of shit

*my trichotillomania and dermatilomania got worse; didn't realize it until I looked at my floor and saw it was covered in my hair from stress pulling without realizing it

*listened to midnights (taylor swift) nonstop and admitted that a good portion of my life is probably the way it is bc i am more than likely autistic

My 23rd astrological profection year has been a time so far and I still have like eight more months left, so that's great 😃👍

[diobrando]

My mom said my sister in law is going to let us take Dominic out on our own for the first time next Saturday like lmao don't get your hopes up theyre gonna renege on that promise

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

So I (finally!) bought a pair of really good noise cancelling headphones, and it has changed my life! It's the fanciest thing I've bought in years, so to recoup some of the cost, I’ve researched & written a little essay based on my experiences with extreme noise sensitivity.

Hypersensitivity to sound is something I’ve dealt with all of my life, but I only recently found out it's medically known a Hyperacusis. (Please note this is a separate condition from Misophonia.) If you consistently struggle to cope with noise, the info below could be helpful! I’m including a link to my ko-fi, and I will be answering questions in the notes.

(skip to the bottom to read fun facts about my tax return and/or street organs vendettas!)

DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional, this is based solely on my experiences as a patient, and on what I have read and been told by professionals. Please notify me if you have corrections or concerns about accuracy!

BACKGROUND: Sensitivity to sound is a common type of sensory issue. While anyone can experience such issues (most people, for example, might be bothered by loud music in a crowded restaurant), some people are more sensitive than others, to the point it becomes a quality-of-life aka a medical issue.

If you consistently struggle with environmental stimuli that other people aren’t bothered by (background noises, bright lights, certain textures and tastes, etc), to the point it causes daily discomfort or limits the environments you can be in, I recommend reading about Sensory Processing Disorder.

SPD and sound sensitivity are both super common in autistic folks (like me!), but allistic (non-autistic) people can experience them too. Weep, ye prisoners of mortal coil, for none are safe, nothing sacred, not in this thy most accursed tomb of human flesh!

Anyway.

SOUND SENSITIVITY or HYPERACUSIS: Noise issues are particularly difficult to navigate in a world that is increasingly...noisy. The relatively new phenomenon of constant overhead music in restaurants, grocery stores, shopping malls etc—all of this means that public spaces are increasingly inaccessible to people with auditory issues.*

As a kid, nothing quite triggered sensory overload/meltdowns for me like the constant exposure to noise I couldn’t control—the background chatter of other kids in the lunchroom, the constant noise in public spaces, being trapped in the car with the radio on.... I had so many fights with my siblings about the car radio, and who got to choose the music.**

But it’s not just loud sounds that are the problem. As an adult who lives alone and works from home***, I’m lucky enough to be able to avoid loud environments most of the time. This does wonders for my general levels of anxiety and discomfort. But even in a mostly controlled environment, I still experience problems. Because part of sound sensitivity is that even normal or quiet sounds can feel loud and intrusive. Here are some “normal” sounds that can cause me discomfort (ranging from annoyance to outright pain, depending on the day):

refrigerator/AC/ceiling lights humming

dishwasher/washing machine noises

ceiling fan making that damn ceiling fan noise

faint sounds of traffic

riding in a car

other people having a normal conversation in the background

someone talking to me in a perfectly normal inside voice

Unfortunately, even in a “controlled” environment, many triggering noises can’t be controlled. And many parts of life can’t be lived in a controlled environment. This presents...some incredibly freaking annoying problems. Luckily there are solutions!

Sorta.

There are sorta some solutions.

They are imperfect, but they help.

TREATMENT: And now I have something rather shame-faced to admit. In all the years of managing my symptoms, it never once occurred to me to see a hearing specialist for my issues with sound. I wasn’t even aware that treatment options exist, because none of my other doctors mentioned it. Instead, I’ve spent years finding my own coping mechanisms and tools, with help from therapists and psychiatrists, but without ever consulting an audiologist/ENT. It was only while researching this post that I found out that was even an option, holy shit.

So it turns out I am going to be making an appointment with my local ENT practice. shit.

Apparently treatment options include sound/acoustic therapy, systematic desensitization/exposure therapy, cognitive behavior therapy, sound machines, and other options that I had no idea even existed, goddammit.

MANAGEMENT: In the meantime, here are my current coping mechanisms. I’ve relied rather heavily on hearing protection, which is very useful when used in moderation. Unfortunately, it can cause its own problems: it’s important not to overuse hearing protection, because in the long-term this can increase your sensitivity. So again: a useful tool, but be careful not to overdo it.

With that in mind, here are some of the coping strategies I’ve used over the last decade to manage my symptoms. This is not a perfect system and you should contact your local ENT clinic for better, long-term solutions, but in the meantime here are some tips I use to just get myself through the damn day:

Regularly spending time in a quiet controlled environment, to allow my nervous system to decompress.

Wearing earplugs, (I use two different grade, depending on the level of noise prevention I need), and always carrying an extra pair in case I need them unexpectedly. I bought a 50 pack for $7 and put spares in all my bags and jacket pockets.

(I mostly use Mack’s Ultra Soft, but there are so many types and materials and brands, including foam, silicone, wax, custom moldable etc. Even if you have trouble wearing things in your ears, you might be able to find something comfortable.)

Similarly: hearing protection earmuffs, the kind used in gun ranges and on construction sites. I bought mine online for $10. they look like normal wireless headphones, so I've never gotten comments when wearing mine in public (other than “cool heaphones” bc i added skull glitter stickers).

Sometimes I wear the earmuffs on top of earplugs, when life is just too damn LOUD.

Listening to music w/ earbuds or headphones is a great way to balance out background noises, especially if you can find soothing playlists that help you concentrate. Also useful to put in just one earbud when you need to pay attention in class/at work.

Pro tip: if your hair is long enough you can wear wireless earbuds without anyone knowing.

White noise, rain noises, ocean noises etc can be helpful! Some people like whale songs although personally this activates my primal fear response

Active noise cancelling headphones: the reason I wrote this post to begin with—I finally bought a pair! As in, a really good pair! As in, a depressingly expensive pair with noise cancelling technology that actually WORKS, holy shit. I probably need to wear them a little less at home (bc overprotection causes problems in the longterm) but they have absolutely transformed my ability to go out in public and i never ever want to take these suckers off again please take a power screwdriver and nail these to my head, bury me in the sweet sweet shroud of silence. holy canoli and cream puffs I want to marry form a civil partnership with these headphones. Plus they have a bunch of features, like being able to control the level of noise cancellation, so I can hold a conversation or be aware of some ambient noise for safety reasons.

Oh, and also they play music I guess?

Sorry sorry I promise this post wasn’t supposed to be me shilling for Big Electronics. I’m just excited, I’m an excited flabby little ball of expired flubber. ANC headphones aren’t a perfect solution, and I still sometimes wear earplugs underneath, and I will always be uncomfortable some of the time, but for me it’s been a big step.

Unfortunately the cost of good quality ANC technology means this isn’t an option for everyone, and the (much cheaper) gunshot protection earmuffs I mentioned earlier still provide an impressive amount of protection and bang-for-your buck (maybe even an equal amount of protection, if you can find ones that fit well). But if noise consistently prevents you from enjoying public space and life in general, and you’ve already tried earmuffs & earplugs and find they don’t offer enough comfort/convenience/protection, and if you’re in a position to save up for a one time non-necessity purchase of $150+, noise cancelling headphones are an option to be aware of. (Please always check the return policy so you can try before you buy. I ended up buying and returning 2 pairs before finding what worked best for me. And please look for a retailer that offers an extended warranty. You want those motherforkers to last).

There are cheaper options available, including some under $50. The ones I tried didn't work as well as my hearing protection earmuffs, but some people report good experiences, so that is something to consider. it's always good to know your options! Passive noise canceling is another affordable alternative.

Medication: A final tool in my toolbox, which for me personally has helped as much as every other method combined. Like, a lot, it’s helped a lot. It turns out some anti-anxiety medications can also help sensory issues. There’s not much research on this, and I only discovered it firsthand when a medication my doctor prescribed for anxiety ended up significantly helping my sensory issues. I no longer need medication for anxiety, but my psychiatrist still prescribes that same medication off-label for my sensory stuff. Ask your psychiatrist to research your options (they will probably have to do some digging to find relevant research, but you deserve to know all your options, even the obscure ones). Fyi, the medication I use is in the benzodiazepines class, but there are other options for those concerned about dependency or side effects.

(I'm also told anti-anxiety supplements may be helpful, though I haven't tried this yet. If you're on prescription meds, always talk to your doctor about contraindications before taking anything over-the-counter.)

So there you have it, my main coping strategies for sound sensitivity! They are not a replacement for medical treatment (except that last one which is in fact...medical treatment), but I find them helpful and I hope some of you will too! I’ve struggled for a long time, and I’m very pleased to have reached the point where I can just do things in public. Eating out in loud restaurants? I can do that now, and even enjoy it, holy shit! I can comfortably travel in cars for hours at a time, and walk around shopping malls and grocery stores with overhead music, and, and —and just exist. It is so so freeing, to feel like maybe, after everything, you are actually allowed to just exist in a world that wasn’t really designed for you.

Again, be careful not to overuse hearing protection—the goal is to allow you to be less uncomfortable and to function better, but if you find you are becoming more sensitive to noise, it is time to dial it back a notch. Or maybe consider listening to music (at a reasonable volume) to block out background noise instead.

*(This also includes people with hearing loss and related issues, btw. While that’s not my area of knowledge, I would welcome it if any of my HoH followers want to share their experiences.)

**A sign of sensory issues that parents often miss is when a child complains about music being too loud—but has no problem listening to their own music at high volume. This is because music that is already familiar to the listener (and that the listener enjoys) is much easier for the brain to process, since it knows what pattern of sounds to expect. Loud music that they get to control can be soothing for people with sound issues, especially when it blocks out background noise and sensations. This is why repetitively playing the same songs can be a helpful form of stimming.

***(working on this blog, actually. since it’s my only source of income, my 2020 income tax return literally lists my occupation as ‘Tumblr Blogger.’ Oddly, my parent didn’t feel this achievement was worth including in the holiday family newsletter.)

bonus fun fact: Charles Babbage aka “father of the computer” may have been autistic and hypersensitive to sound. He definitely had a huge problem with public noise pollution, and spent his later year waging a war on street musicians (and organ grinders in particular).

(bc like, yeah. screw organ grinders.)

Sometimes when I’m out in public and the overhead music is particularly unbearable, I’ll take a moment to look up to the sky and scream out: “HE TRIED TO WARN US! THE FATHER OF COMPUTERS TRIED TO WARN US!!! we should have listened, sweet heaven we should have listened!”

except i don’t scream it, i say it very quietly under my breath

(i have issues with noise)

so yeah that is my short essay. and here is the ko-fi goal

k ciao i gotta go pick out glitter stickers for my headphones

[redrobin-detective]

Ben 10 lore that exists in my heart regardless of canon

- Ben’s personality in his mid-late teens is a mix of his Alien Force and Omniverse self. On the surface, he’s very cheerful and kind even if he is a bit of arrogant showoff. He makes jokes and plays around and acts as if he isn’t bothered by the things in his life. Those who know him best understand a good portion of his outward confidence and cockiness is just a facade to cover up his insecurities and to project the ideal, effortless hero. While sometimes seen as immature, most beings know Ben 10 means business as he takes his unofficial job and people’s safety very seriously. He’s clever, adaptable, charismatic and empathetic which makes him a formidable opponent and a loyal friend. Doesn’t open up easily but if you get to him, he become so dearly attached. 

- Drinks smoothies so much for several reasons. Comfort food go brrr, reminds him of the good easy times with him Gwen and Kev. It’s also a light but generally nutritous food to give him energy for heroing. Anything too heavy and he’ll be puking (both from physical and emotional stress). Though he jokes about his mom’s health foods, his are a crazy concoction of add in proteins and vitamins/minerals bc he knows he’ll out and out collapse without it. (Still has on occasion bc boy still doesn’t eat right/enough)

- While Fame is exciting for him at first he soon begins to detest it. Not the fans, no, he can’t bring himself to hate the people who look up to him. But he hates the constant attention, that he can’t walk outside without being mobbed. the only place he feels safe is his hometown where most people are so used to him and his weirdness that they don’t react much anymore. Takes to wearing a cape and face shield when going out anywhere so he can actually get things done without being recognized and mobbed.

- Part of the reason Bellwood isn’t concerned with Ben is partially because ben’s been weird and alien for as long as they can remember but also many don’t realize how famous/powerful he is. Yeah that’s just Ben Tennyson over there, sometimes he turns into funny creatures- wait what do you MEAN he’s the savior of the universe?? He cried over a spilled smoothie the other day.

- Does mostly online schooling by the time he’s 15. At first he tries to do half day things to maintain something of a normal life but it quickly becomes overwhelming and dangerous him/the school. Finishes his GED early but the Plumbers and Azmuth make him take additional college level and alien courses to prepare him for his future role. Ben gripes but really does love learning all these things, especially on his terms (ADHD and stress + the public school system do not always go hand in hand). He’s a quick learner when he deems the information important and is made accessible to his learning needs.

- Ben definitely has ADHD speaking of which, it was nearly uncontrollable as a child bc his free-spirited parents didn’t believe in medicating. Ben convinced them he needed it and after some trial and error, found meds that worked. As he became more involved in heroics/growing up he had to change his medicine regimen (resulting in him being a bit more off the rails in OV) and needed antidepressants and therapy to manage it better. As an adult he has a whole litany of coping mechanisms (good and bad yes) and regularly checks in with his therapist and doctors to keep things under control. 

- Has a complicated relationship with his necrofriggian children. Considers himself their mother and worries after them. They too feel a connection to their parent despite this being unusual for their species. A few visit (some more than others) while they grow while others maintain distance. Ben never breathes a word of them to the media for fear of them being targeted. Still he keeps an eye on them and ensures all 14 mature to adulthood (another rarity for the species). Checks in every now and again with the ones who don’t want to see him and those that do. Two join the Plumbers and Ben is both proud and worried. His youngest becomes partners with Rook Ben.

- Just in general loves kids, they’re his favorite fans and while he’ll grumble at pushy adult fans he always smiles and kneels down for the little ones. Not so secretly wanted to have children of his own but knew it was a risk overall and used a lot of that energy with mentoring and teaching. Eventually had Kenny later in life (late 30s-40s) and was over the moon, becoming such a loving and doing parent or as much as he could be with his hectic schedule. 

- Omnitrix can’t come off, never has at any point since it first latched onto Ben’s arm. Azmuth tried and failed to get the device off, doesn’t let Ben know for many years as he feared the consequences. The watch loves and protects Ben even beyond it’s programming making him much more durable to damage and releasing energy charges when he’s threatened. Not even removing Ben’s arm would separate them. They’re stuck for life.

- Ben does have Anodite heritage but the Omnitrix actively suppresses it and uses the built up energy to power the transformations which is why ben is mostly unaffected by what should cause a massive energy drain on him. Theoretically if Ben learned to harness and safely use his Mana at an early age like Gwen he would have been fine but letting it build up without safe outlet meant activation would have killed him. Omnitrix Ben, however, went his whole life not knowing of his latent abilities and how the watch saved his life.

- Ben’s eyes get more green and glowy as time passes from the Omnitrix. At first they think its a trick of the light but by the time he’s an adult his eyes are pretty much glow in the dark. His veins light up too after long stretches of using the Omnitrix. Its vaguely unsettling to people who aren’t used to Ben.

- Max and the Earth Plumbers work so, so hard to keep teen Ben on Earth when half the universe is blowing up their comm lines asking for The Ben 10 to help with whatever problem of the day. Ben himself doesn’t quite understand when he’s younger the prestige and expectations on his shoulders. Max throws up a million and one roadblocks so Ben can live as normal a life as possible while he still can. Still, while doing that he Still overloads Ben with expectations and responsibilities on earth and beyond. He becomes a soldier again with Ben as their greatest weapon. He never forgave himself of losing sight of his grandson underneath the hero esp after Ben’s breakdown. 

- Rook partnership with Ben ends not long after Omniverse with his promotion to Magister. Ben tries to play it cool but the thought of another loved one/teammate leaving his tears him apart. Max revealing that Ben most likely wouldn’t get a new Plumber assigned partner since he’s almost an adult and won’t need it and Rook accidentally missing their last smoothie run due to a scheduling mishap causes Ben to snap and have the nervous breakdown that had been building for almost a decade. He completely loses it for a little while and needs to take an extended leave of absence from school and heroics that lasts about a year. Spends time recovering both on Earth and Galvan Prime, does some diplomatic training, learns about aliens, actually confronts the stress and loneliness of his life. He comes out the other side stronger but still fragile and exhausted.

- Ben’s above mentioned breakdown brings him closer to all his friends who didn’t quite realize the extent of Ben’s burden. Rook had been under the impression Ben didn’t like him all that much so the knowledge that his departure was the final straw for friend/hero’s collapse was shocking. Ben and Azmuth also become closer, the Galvan becoming fiercely protective of the boy seeing as his Earth family didn’t do well to keep him safe. It takes years for him to get over his anger at Max for putting so much on his grandchild. Ben makes more friends, in and out of the hero business, finally gets a therapist and gets some of his burdens eased a bit. It’s not a sure fire fix and Ben has several smaller breakdowns the rest of his life but its something.

- Azmuth was straight up suicidal before he met Ben for the first time. Ben gave him back hope for the universe and his ability to create items for peace not weapons. The boy infuriates him, frightens him, frustrates him but Azmuth cannot deny in his heart of hearts that he loves Ben dearly. He’s very upset at Ben’s breakdown and doesn’t know how to handle the worst of the initail outbursts. Azmuth talks Ben down from a suicide attempt. He reaches out to Ben that he Too felt overwhelmed by pressure, thought himself only good for war. Ben’s arrival in his life saved him and now he will do the same for Ben. It’s the first positive step forward in Ben’s recovery.

- For no other reason than I like it, Azmuth primarily refers to Ben as Benjamin (mostly to annoy the kid but he likes the way it sounds too) and Ben in softer, more serious moments. 

- Professor Paradox continues to flit in and out of Ben’s life. He says its because Ben is the most equipped to handle universal peril (true) but he’s also just very fond of the boy. Ben, existing in so many forms and having such importance also exists a beat outside of normal reality which Paradox identifies with. Ben is naturally attuned to time related problems because of this (instantly IDing Spanner as from the future before being told later deducing him to be his unborn son). Plus Ben named him, way back when. He’s just drawn to Ben.

- Adult Ben, while being seen as an impressively skilled fighter and champion, really has his strength as a universal diplomat of sorts. Based out of Earth, he helps mediate and defuse conflicts, advocate against tyranny and overall preserve peace and balance. He’s not perfect, he makes mistakes and sometimes is forced to become violent (and yes kill) but overall is regarded as a peacekeeper, something younger ben simply couldn’t understand. 

- Gwen gets her degree and primarily does work with advocacy and teaching about magic/alien culture. While she and Ben are still close, there’s a bit of a frustrated divide in that she isn’t helping him share the burden of the universe. Gwen never wanted to be a hero and has enough worth to not shackle herself to a job that’ll burn her out. Ben loves heroing but gives too much of himself away trying to fix everything. They get into screaming arguments that it wouldn’t be so bad out there if she just helped him but she refuses to budge and says he shouldn’t make himself do so much. They always make up and thy still are each other’s closest relationships.

- Ben marries Kai in a political move, Kai is Asexual and Ben Aromantic. They didn’t love each other but they got on well enough and Ben was really feeling the stress of carrying the hero burden so Kai also being involved made him feel like he wasn’t alone. Both were also so tired of the universe constantly asking about their love life and said ‘fuck it we’re married leave us alone’. Gwen was always mad about it feeling Ben deserved better but the two of them were happy with it. They had separate rooms, mostly separate lives but they became strong friends and supports with their strictly platonic marriage. They had Ken via Invitro in an incubator and were loving if extremely busy parents. 

- Also from the moment he appeared, Ben knew that Spanner was his future son, Kenny. He played ignorant and then was kind of deliberately teasing him in future encounters. He knew the rules of time and didn’t want to disrupt things further even if he was angry and worried as heck about why Ken felt the need to time travel. When future Ben catches up in the timeline, Kenny gets SUCH a lecture. 

- Ben isn’t quite immortal but he’s also not entirely human anymore either. The Omnitrix not only keeps him safe from most harm but it lightens the effect of aging. Ben 10 is active many, many years when most humans would have been forced to retire. He’s not sure how long the watch will keep him alive and it terrifies him. Gwen too is functionally immortal however she ages like a normal human, then when her natural death came, shed her skin and became a fulltime Anodite. So in the end, it was her and Ben together wondering which of them will die first. Gwen has trouble retaining her humanity as pure energy and swears she’ll let herself fizzle out when Ben goes. When that’ll be however...

[hibiscxs]

Legacies 4x08

Yall, I have been busy. I’m finally settling into the new job but I also got accepted into grad school even tho I had given up on it. But also bc I have already given up on it, I am currently floundering with trying to find a thesis advisor and finalizing a thesis topic in a field that I haven’t been keeping up with for a few years now.

Anyway, what I mean is I had to scrounge together the energy to watch the new ep and get my thoughts on it together.

I literally watched a grey’s anatomy episode before watching this. I’m living for Josie narrating the opening like Meredith. Plus, hooking up in a storage closet is so iconically Grey’s. I actually liked Josie’s therapy box more than Lizzie’s. But will Josie and Lizzie coming to drastically different conclusions about what to do about Hope finally get the characters to realize that the therapy box is not a good substitute for an actual therapist? Or for just talking to a friend, even? There’s a reason the box was designed for someone (aka an actual professional) to be in the box with them, retaining their real memories in case something went wrong. It’s almost hilarious that Vardemus isn’t warning them off using it in the way they did with Lizzie.

But more on Josie’s session. I’m actually really invested in this world? I really want an AU fic for this now. Just. The backstory of Klaus having a degenerative disease that he covered up so he could continue performing surgery, Alaric covering it up too, Hope doing the same a generation later. Both Alaric and Jo (or maybe Caroline is still the mother that Josie is referencing?) being surgeons and their daughters feeling the pressure to follow in their footsteps. I’m so sad that we’ll never come back to this tbh

Also, Mizziethan being an honest to god thing in the GreysAU. Please don’t let this be as close as we come to it actually happening. When Lizzie came out of that closet, I didn’t think we’d get to know who she was hooking up with. I thought it was going to be a little mystery for the episode. I “ooh”ed when MG came out, but then I full-on gasped when Ethan came out too. Since it’s Josie’s mind, what does that say about how she views the Mizziethan situation in real life?

The music was a little too on point when Josie and Therapy Box Finch had their last scene. Like, damn. tbh, I’m not clear on what sort of conclusion Josie came too. She talks about how being tied to the school will keep her from having a life of her own (didn’t we cover this in the season 2 eps that got carried over into season 3?), but she also says that she’s going to help Hope, and it does seem like she’s heartbroken bc she’s come to the conclusion that she needs to leave Finch? I guess this means she’s choosing the school/her friends over her own happiness by going out to look for and save Hope, but in doing so she needs to leave Finch behind at the school? Does Finch represent Josie having a life of her own? I guess that does make sense. I do like how Josie is once again being heartbroken (not in a ‘I like to see Josie suffer’ way. I’m not about that), but this time she’s being forced by circumstance to leave her partner, not her partners leaving her. It’s a sad little echo.

Moving past the Josie therapy box session (for now), I will have to admit that I was a bit disappointed that they really did bring back Aurora. I just never thought it was going to happen, since Legacies has been trying so hard since the beginning to not be like its predecessors. Having one of the old villains be the main villain of the season just didn’t feel like it would accomplish that for them. Also, I kind of hated Aurora in TO. And not in a “she’s such a great villain that I hate her!” way, but in a “she’s so fucking annoying please get off screen” way.

That being said, I think she killed it this episode. Yeah, Legacies has been trying to be separate from the previous shows, but it hasn’t always found success doing that. Not to say that I think Legacies becoming exactly like TVD and TO and even bringing back old villains is the only way for it to get good. In fact, I don’t even think its even the best way. There were plenty of ways for Legacies to improve while keeping the level of separation from the rest of the TVDU it has had. But, if this is the way they’re going to go, and they execute it well, I wouldn’t be mad about it. 

I do, however, think it’s ridiculous that Freya wouldn’t notice that Aurora’s body went missing. Unless Freya doesn’t live at the compound anymore? Or Aurora’s body was moved to somewhere a lot more isolated and out-of-the-way after Roman found it lying out in the open in TO S5?

The entire thing with Papa Tunde’s blade was so great. That thing always brought the angst when it came out to play. I loved it. I also totally forgot that it was destroyed, so I didn’t see the twist coming. And yes, I love the body swap. It’s going to keep things interesting. One of the things I have always loved is that Hope should be an overpowered invincible character when you look at her stats on paper. Being the Tribrid makes her immortal and strong and powerful. But man, it also means she cannot catch a fucking break. Someone’s always trying to kill her or take over her body and I love it. I also wonder if Hope’s humanity switch was tied to her body? We know that older vampires don’t have the ability to turn it off, so maybe, in Aurora’s body, Hope’s humanity is back on? I kind of hope not, because that would honestly be such a cheap way of getting her humanity back on, and it would deprive us of the epic emotional moment when someone does get to her.

That little reaction we get from Hope when Aurora mentions the Hollow. I loved it. 

Loved when Hope straight up beheaded that werewolf alpha. Aside from seriously hurting Alaric, we haven’t really seen Hope be super dangerous with her humanity off? She didn’t even kill that vampire and werewolf she fought at Triad HQ? I truly want to be scared that she would kill one of her friends. The fact that she didn’t hurt any of them in 4x07 was a serious letdown.

I hate how Legacies has handled wolves. Bc of established lore and a limited special effects budget, the wolves are always portrayed as less useful bc they’re always in human form. Sometimes they’ll break lore (which annoys me) and give the wolves more wolf abilities in their human form that I believe they had previously. And I really. Really. Really. Hate the weird royalty alpha thing. It was barely tolerable in TO. I cheered when Hope told them to stop kneeling. As she said, they’re wolves, not royalty.

Landon talking about wanting to be happy. That may have seriously been the saddest scene for me this season. Maybe the whole show. Maybe. Aria deserves everything. Landon deserves everything. Everything he said is true. He and Hope fought so hard against a destiny that said they were only meant to die and be killed. They tried so hard to be more than only those tools, but they gave in at the end to save everyone. And still, they can’t be at peace after their sacrifice. It’s such a sad story. Idc who they end up with, but these two better be the happiest people in the world in the series finale.

And Lizzie. This poor girl. I can’t help but feel frustrated with her rn. I’m just so anxious for the fallout of all this. Obviously she isn’t going to succeed in killing Hope. But I do think they’ll have a real confrontation where she does try to hurt her. I think its very apparent that the narrative isn’t trying to frame Lizzie’s conclusion about killing Hope as the right thing in any measure. Lizzie is very apparently lost in her grief. And with everybody too busy trying their own methods in fixing what is happening, there is no one around to help her through it. She’s come to a conclusion that will ultimately harm her. Even if she did succeed in killing Hope, at best she would later on realize that killing Hope solved nothing and that it wasn’t what she needed or really wanted and feel insanely regretful. At worst, she never realizes this and turns twisted with this mindset. What will probably happen is she tries to kill Hope, fails, maybe the one to turn Hope’s humanity back on, and eventually comes into feeling guilty for ever going so far against her best friend. And I am not looking forward to it (except I am)

But with regards to Lizzie and the new context of the body switch, it does make me a little nervous that we don’t ever get a real confrontation between Lizzie and the real Hope. I’m a bit afraid that Lizzie will come face-to-face with Aurora in Hope’s body and the fight will either result in Lizzie, upon coming close to actually hurting “Hope”, realizing that this isn’t what she wants, or Lizzie finding out that someone has stolen Hope’s body and realizing that she doesn’t actually hate Hope and still harbors protective feelings over her. We shall see.

[fukozawa]

venting just ignore me // tw: weight, sui, sh

i really wish i had a therapist

I havent had a therapist since i was 15 over a decade ago. And even then i didn’t want to be there and didn’t take advantage of how much of a privilege it was

I don’t think ill ever be able to be vulnerable with anyone in my life. I don’t think ill ever not feel like a burden. And if that ever goes away it’ll surely be after years of therapy which i don’t and won’t have access to for the foreseeable future

Anytime I’m faced with the opportunity to open up or ask for a listening ear, I’m fully paralyzed from seeking that out. Its like right before i take that step, right as my foot is about to touch the shaky ground of opening up to someone that wants to be there for me, its like my own subconscious flings me backwards through midair and everything i wanted to say is blank and i physically cant utter the words. Its like all the feelings that made me want to seek out help in the first place suddenly disappear and I’m miraculously totally fine and not sure why I needed to reach out in the first place and waste anyones time or emotional energy.

Theres always this underlying feeling that i don’t matter and i can easily disappear from peoples lives and they wouldn’t notice, so why make them become further invested in my issues when I’m basically nonexistent as it is. Obviously its the avoidant attachment style but to an extreme. I don’t have to avoid people when i constantly feel like others are avoiding me. And especially avoiding my feelings, which have oftentimes been too heavy for others to carry.

Ive never had a irl friend who would just listen to me and be emotionally intelligent enough to not project their own ideas onto me, but who knew how to allow their presence be the comfort that i needed.

I cant stop myself from diverting the attention away from myself and focusing on other peoples problems or worries in order to avoid having to talk about my own.

In reality i could literally talk about myself and my constant self analysis for hours, theres so much that ive reflected on and so much i could use external insight on, but by the time i scratch the tip of the iceberg, the intrusive thought of being a burden/waste of time/emotional drain on those around me is too powerful to ever scratch the surface of what really goes on with me. Even on tumblr i try not to vent here as often as id like bc its literally so embarrassing being a human and having to have human emotions like literally so annoying i hate having to subject anyone to this.

Tho if im honest I’m lonelier than ive ever been and nothing is more affirming of my trauma and need for community than how expertly I’m able to isolate myself so diligently. Thats just one of the ways I’m able to self harm without anyone noticing. Another big way lately has been depriving myself of sleep, i cant stop myself. The feeling of being so ridiculously tired that i cant help but pass out is the best feeling ever cuz it means not a moment is spent with my own thoughts. I know its hurting me so much, bc my head screams at me with some of the worst headaches (which i realized recently are likely migraines) but its part of the sh i guess. When it gets too unbearable i just take some pain medicine and i can go about my day. Burning eye sockets are a lot easier to ignore than a radiating pounding skull.

Ive become so unhealthy but i don’t care. Sadly I’m skinny so no one questions it. I’m severely underweight but restricting food intake is another way i subtly self harm. I think its obvious but my parents are too self centered to notice and if they do notice they clearly don’t think its enough of a concern to mention to me. Its not actually on purpose tho, i have arfid due to being autistic and making myself a meal thats not instant ramen is literal fucking hell on earth and feels like I’m trying to run through waste deep water. I never have an appetite and the act of even having to eat at all is exhausting/draining. I hate food and if i could survive on vibes & Dr Pepper alone without having to eat food id be more than happy. I constantly have anxiety that there’s something seriously wrong with my body but id never know because my body is constantly being put through the wringer, experiencing such regular levels of discomfort/pain its impossible for me to acknowledge which of my bodies signals are truly dire.

Living with my mother is slowly killing me but i have no way out due to crippling levels of anxiety and absolutely zero energy to care for myself enough to be able to take action on things that would benefit my future self. It doesnt help that it feels like the world is ending and feeling like i may not have a lot of time left anyways so might as well spend my life in bed miserable under the covers starving and malnourished, cuz its the only thing I’m good at.

I feel like I’m always in some sort of dissociative state that i don’t know how to turn off. I try to ground myself and it just comes right back. When it comes to my emotional state i have absolutely zero support system and its hard to not feel like everyone is better off not having to deal with my bullshit drama. Its hard not to feel like I’m making all this up and just being dramatic, like I’m faking all of this and i bet if i wasnt such a coward I wouldn’t have all these issues.

A part of me is jealous of the people who took their lives already. They were powerful people. I wish i could be like them. And not have to deal with the pain of existing as an autistic gay person who never felt truly seen. As terrifying as that is thats all ive ever wanted, for someone to genuinely want to See me and Understand me. Cuz up to this point in my life ive gone out of my way for others to make sure they feel understood, but not once has anyone put that same energy towards me. Which is why I’m hesitant to continue trying to form new close relationships, whats the point when all my prior experiences have shown how little most people give a shit about forming lasting strong connections that stand the test of time. Even the bare minimum of asking someone to educate themselves on the autistic experience so they can begin to try understand my experience, is somehow too much to ask and too high of an expectation.

Anyways I’m done venting for now and its finally time for me to sleep after being awake for 24+ hrs lmao k bye