mess-honestly

[mess-honestly]

it certainly has been awhile hasn’t it.

I’m in a new place and it feels much better. But the desire to be perfect is so strong and the terrible thoughts of myself are still just as pervasive. Was there a time I didn’t think these things about myself? I always feel guilty. I always feel that it’s deserved. Why can’t I just let things alone when they should be left. I can’t do the same thing twice. Why do I twist the knife?

[mess-honestly]

happy birthday to me

25 feels so strange, an age that I thought about a lot growing up. An age I truly believed I would have my life together. To many it seems I really do have my life together. Maybe it is. Certainly doesn’t feel that way. This age feels old but I definitely don’t want to stay in my early twenties bc that is NOT a great time for many reasons lol. Maybe I want to pause time. I guess that’s what it is. Quarter of life done (most likely more like 1/3) but the one thing I’ve always wanted remains to be seen. Hilarious that I call it the one thing I’ve always wanted when I’ve wanted so many things. I speak so cryptically because I think I’m embarrassed of my true feelings and to write them down seems to give them credence or perhaps a permanence that makes me uneasy. Why? Because I find it slightly humiliating. How strange to be humiliated by your own thoughts even when no one else will know them. Let’s try to be Frank here then because my thoughts are not humiliating. They are real and they are true to me and they matter just as much as anyone else’s. Oh how life feels when you’re a girl who cries on her birthday.

So here it is (I’m not stalling!!! …. okay a little) I want to fall in love more than anything in the whole world. Not just any love but a love pure and all encompassing. A love that endures, a love that I would fight and die for. A love that allows me to be the absolute best version of myself with a person who I can’t imagine living without. Someone that I ache for day in and day out. Someone that sets my heart ablaze. That makes me discard my prior notions of relationships with reckless abandon. Why am I so embarrassed to want that? Is it because I’m afraid it doesn’t exist and I’m naive? Is it because I feel that I should want something more altruistic? I think both of those could be true but what I would give to meet the love of my life.

This is a big year for personal growth and personal accomplishment but I feel gutted thinking that love isn’t my main focus. Is that crazy? Maybe, maybe not. “Be happy dammit!” Is exactly what I want to scream at myself. But even I am not deluded enough to believe that would work. You can be happy is maybe the mantra I should begin. I know positively it is true and in that absolute truth there is comfort.

[mess-honestly]

sometimes it’s as if I’m a ghost in my own life, floating from place to place, never feeling truly connected only melancholic musings and a deep ache that never leaves. Other times I am a ship moored to a dock during a raging storm. No matter how hard I fight the sun refuses to shine and yet my submission will only lead to greater disappointment. Waves wash over me again and again as I thrash below, fighting not for my life to live but just so the storm won’t conquer all

[mess-honestly]

some find comfort in their memories but I feel haunted by all of them even the happy ones feel sickeningly sweet, tainted. The past mocks me cruelly clinging to every negative edge. My brain is constantly spinning, whirring, imagining the transcendental but with the opposite feel to idealism. What is it to experience peace in one’s mind. Is it quiet? Is it joyful?

[mess-honestly]

Maybe you gaslight yourself constantly because that’s all anyone has ever done to you. No Shelby you’re not sick no Shelby you’re not hurt no Shelby you don’t know what you’re talking about no Shelby you’re just dramatic no Shelby this is normal no Shelby you don’t need help no Shelby you’re fine no Shelby you’re just upset no Shelby they filled your head with lies no Shelby it’s not that bad no Shelby just think happier no Shelby you’re not gay no Shelby everyone feels like that no Shelby no Shelby no Shelby. That’s all I hear in my head. No Shelby no shelby no Shelby over and over and fucking OVER. DO YOU KNOW I DOUBT EVERY THOUGHT I EVER HAVE WHY THE FUCK DOES NO ONE EVER BELIEVE ME WHY DO I BEG AND PLEAD AND NO ONE TAKES ME SERIOUSLY!?!??! All of you make me feel like I am out of my mind. Just constantly deluding me. I hate what you’ve made me.

I don’t think people understand what it is like to constantly be told they don’t believe you, they aren’t concerned. When they are concerned they make me feel like I am the most inconvenient crazy annoying disappointment disaster and then I just say nothing. I say nothing to no one because they don’t want to hear my true feelings. It’s too much. I’m too much I feel to feel it hurts and everything so fucked yo I didn’t even know I was supposed to really feel at all. That I was allowed to. AGH FUCK I JUST WANT TO BE KNOWN AND LOVED AND UNDERSTOOD I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I FEEL SO FUCKING GUILTY AND ASHAMED AND SICK AND I DONT WANT TO LIVE JESUS CHRIST I AM SO SICK OF FEELING SO HORRIBLE AND NO ONE KNOWS NO ONE KNOWS. when I talk about it I’m always dropping hints begging for someone to ask me begging for anyone to see that I need someone I need help I need a friend I need support. Nobody takes the hint.

[mess-honestly]

you are allowed to feel this feeling. You are allowed to feel this feeling. You are allowed to feel this feeling. You don’t have to gaslight yourself into believing your feelings are irrational. Say what you mean— I am sad because it feels like my dad doesn’t care about me or want to be my dad. I sometimes wonder if he regrets adopting me. Even at the time he did not seem excited or enthusiastic about it. I’m trying to decide if it’s because he doesn’t have genuine feelings that he shares about anything and that’s just him or if I am an issue for him specifically. Why doesn’t he try? I wish he would try. He’s never once called me to talk to me. When we’re alone it’s silent. He never asks me any questions or wants to know anything about me apart from do you have money, how is your car. Is that the only way he knows how to show love? I wish he wanted to talk to me or know me. Maybe he doesn’t want to know anyone. It really doesn’t seem like it. He seems so unhappy. He acts like he just wants to give up on life. He needs help or something I think. Not that he would ever ask for it. My heart hurts so much. I am so tired of coming home and fielding arguments between the two of them. The constant tension makes my stomach hurt and nobody will ever talk about it. I think we don’t talk about it because we’re all afraid of the same answer- not being together, afraid of what that will mean. What is the point of “family” if spending time together always makes you feel worse. I want more for mom too. She deserves someone to be excited about her and her life instead of making her feel stupid all the time. She is not stupid. Why does she stay? Is it the stability or money or just because of their age? I am sad for her. I am sad for him too because he seems like he hates his life. If we are the cause I wish he would just leave. This is a very dark note but I should be able to express how I feel and how I feel is that my family makes me sad. It is constant fighting. We don’t even talk about anything. I don’t know what to do. It is so depressing and I just want to feel loved. I want my mom to feel loved. I hate this situation and I hate that we don’t talk about it at all. We don’t talk about anything. I’ve wanted a dad my whole life and I thought at one point I had one. He doesn’t even seem to like me now or even want to like me. It deeply hurts my feelings. Why won’t he talk to me? Why doesn’t he want to? I don’t like the person I become when I’m around them but all they ever do is put me in a state of panic because I feel responsible for the energy in the room and the energy sucks. I wish things were different. I wish they were better.

[mess-honestly]

is it valuable to identify the source of my pain when there are so many possibilities? I wrestle with this thought night after night when I close my eyes and instantly want to cry. To wish I could stop time and sleep for hours, to mourn the loss of those I’ve loved both that have left this world and those that still inhabit it. If I could stop time I would relax for days. Read books, watch movies, go to the gym and run without worrying about anyone watching. I would clean my apartment till it was spotless. Do all of the fun skincare extras that I never allow myself time to do. Try new recipes. Listen to new music. I would feel so free and so uninhibited. I worry that my life is becoming a never ending stomach ache on a loop. I go through the motions and hate myself for what? What is the crowning achievement I hope to regale? I know deep inside my most fervent wish is to fall in love like a movie. To have a love that makes all the bullshit worth it. Next to that wish is my deepest fear that this will never happen. That fear is something I tiptoe around even in the privacy of my own mind, because to think about it is to think about the possibility of a reality where that is the truth and I worry that in thinking about this horrible fear, if it does come to pass I won’t think life worth living. I am so embarrassed that this is what I want most in my life, what I desire more than absolutely anything. It makes me feel weak because of how I’ve shielded myself with independence. Is a life where I never fall in love worth it to live? I truly wonder about that question and for that reason I am ashamed. Do I want to help people? Of course. Do I want to learn and discover new things? Absolutely. But at the end of the day all I’ve ever wished for is a partner. Should I inquire into why I want this? Is it safe? Will I find out this isn’t the answer and then have nothing? I fear that I secretly or subconsciously want a partner just to fix my problems, to take on my emotions so I don’t have to do them alone and that just feels selfish. Am I allowed to ever be selfish? Is wanting a partner to satisfy your emotional needs selfish? I don’t know. Clearly this is an area I’m unfamiliar with. Life can be tedious when you never relate to any love song.

[mess-honestly]

Far far away, no voices sounding, no one around me.

ig credit: judiannegrace.

[mess-honestly]

LMAO reading the last post has me dying bc she SWIFTLY ghosted me after that. To be fair I think it was for the best but damn being rejected sucks. I have routines now! Go me! Running, meal prepping, reading, waking up every day and doing the damn thing! Do I need to be medicated? For sure. Do I need intensive therapy? Absolutely. But we’re doing one thing at a time over here. It’s honestly sad how desperately I want to be in love. I don’t want to wait for the right person I just want to FEEL. However that never goes well and I am just not allowed to date before therapy. We are staring a physical change now that’s helping us mentally but the mental change still needs to happen. Not really sure how I ever expect to be a good partner w/o it. I guess because i only ever imagined being a partner to a man and they suck and fuck up 24/7 so you don’t have to try that hard. I think dating women genuinely will make me fix myself because I wholeheartedly believe women deserve better. Who knows, maybe I become someone I like in this decade. Being in your 20s is so weird. Especially rn being 24. Such an awkward age. I feel like I’m behind on my life plans (love life). But I think that’s because I’m used to the narrative of getting married young. I am more educated than most people. It makes sense that I’m not married yet. There’s more to me than a marriage partner and I need to get that through my head. I know it’s because I desperately want a good relationship. One that I really want to be in, one that I am scared to death to lose. That’s what I want. I HAVE to work on myself though because I recognize my annoying qualities and frickin Lean into them it’s ridiculous. Look at me trying to be positive and then immediately chastising myself. Typical. Is it good that I always want to be better? In every way? Is it healthy ? Idk

[mess-honestly]

this might be it, I mean I always think that but this time it’s so real that it terrifies me. All day long I think about her, all day long I wish that I wasn’t doing whichever activity I’m forced to do because if I can’t be with her I’d at least like to daydream about her. About us. Her smile pulls me in and her laugh sounds positively joyful. The way her eyes lower when she kisses me makes me feel like all the air has been sucked out of the room. Every person before her was someone who wanted me and I wanted to be wanted. Now I know what it feels like to want someone that way, not just a person who makes me blush but a person who makes me burn, who makes my whole being electrified. I’m falling but I’m not doing anything to stop myself this time. This will either be the best thing so far or the absolute worst.

[mess-honestly]

I want to find someone who will make me surrender to love. To want to know everything there could possibly be about them. To think of them when I’m happy or sad, hopeful or angry, exhausted or curious. I want to be able bind souls with a partner whom I will finally relax with. Feel at home with. Take a minute to breath with. To be honest with.

[mess-honestly]

there’s light in possibilities

For the first time in a long time I see a bit of light, knowing that one part of my life at least can look however I want it to. Do I have to marry a man? No. Do I have to have kids? No. I am in control of the choices I make with my life and I am finally realizing what a blessing that is. I am starting therapy and maybe I will start healing. I am trying to have hobbies again. Experience joy in life again. Most days lately I have felt very hopeless but today was a glimpse of joy that I needed to revitalize me. I have friends who love me. Family who loves me. Marnie who loves me. People who believe in me and I want to be there for those people and experience their life. Today helped me realize there is fight left in mine that I want to live and perhaps that I really can. Maybe not the life I had pictured when I was younger, but a life in which, nevertheless I am happy. That is my goal in life as of now. Not to be necessarily decorated and successful with accolades (though that would be nice) but just to be happy and be able to experience joy.

[mess-honestly]

some days it’s okay that the only thing you did was continue on

[mess-honestly]

I deserve to die. I am the worst person I’ve ever met. I don’t understand how I can care so much but still be so selfish it’s disgusting. How did I justify this? I am the villain. It is my fault and NO ONE else’s and I deserve to suffer the guilt and the shame. No more breaking hearts. I am a liar. And I don’t deserve the love I’m given. Just constantly deceiving everyone around me. When will I learn. I can’t fix this alone. Am I even fixable? Am I too far gone? Maybe this is him, I don’t look like him and maybe I don’t sound like him but I think like him which is so much worse. I wondered for so long how I escaped being like him in so many ways but maybe the truth is I really didn’t. That is absolutely disgusting and makes me hate myself even more than I already do. I usually try and write in a way that is eloquent so that I can read over it and feel better but not this time. Is it the part of me that’s her the one that’s filled with shame and disgust? Is she the good in me? She’s so good that it nearly trumps the bad. Nearly. If only it did. If only I were better. I have been pushing these thoughts to the back of my head because I knew I couldn’t handle them and I can’t. I don’t know how I will ever forgive myself for being such a terrible person. I want to hurt myself so badly but then I’ll have to deal with the consequences. I am such an attention seeking freak. Sick and mean and lost. No one ever has truly known me because I hide parts of me from myself. I hate myself so much and others should truly hate me too. I feel like I’ve tricked everyone into thinking I’m good. Maybe I have. I just manipulate everyone around me. I am lazy, I am gross, I am unworthy of everything. I want a do over. To try again. I know I can’t and I know I couldn’t handle going again but I have been bad from the start. Would have been better if I didn’t exist. People would have been better and it’s a burden that I have

[mess-honestly]

How do you win when the person you’re fighting is yourself

I fight to breathe air because she does not think I am worthy

The mind is fickle , one moment celebrating your success and in the next forcing you to remember why you never deserved it in the first place

Spinning myself into stupor what good does it do ? The depravity of these feelings shocks even myself

God when does it get better? When is there purpose? Why am I forced to endure when I so easily could submit?

So many questions and yet my answer to all of the is the common denominator: me , this stupid brain that has fucked up every time she gets the chance. Write about that!!! No song not poem nor story compares or understands this feeling. Do others not write it because it is too dark or because they don’t feel this as I do? Certainly some do but do they stay? Am I alone in this fight against her

[mess-honestly]

Well it’s been a minute hasn’t it. Law school is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life and each day is agonizing. Is it supposed to be like this or am I just fucked up? And as usual we are going heartbreaker mode again. Is it valid? Yes? Does it hurt like a bitch? Definitely. These past several months have been a fucking mess. When is the last time I felt like there was joy in me truly? It has been sucked out. Do I want to make it ? Is it worth it? Why is the good there to make you miss it when the bad is so much more common and hurts this bad? Does everyone feel this way? If they do then I am super proud of people in a way I haven’t been before bc if they’re waking up feeling like this and pushing through then that’s really something. I guess that’s what I’m doing but it’s not hard to tell I’m a walking disaster. I can’t even do what I need to do like what the fuck

[mess-honestly]

Hey girl it’s been awhile

It’s your 22nd birthday baby!!! How do I hate myself and love myself at the same time? Progress maybe kinda sorta?? Who knows. Things are really coming to an end so soon how am I going to cope! Again, don’t know the answer but something feels right and something feels off? Such a strange feeling. Like I feel like I’m finally getting a (slightly) better routine and not letting depression kick my ass daily, but also I am melancholy and a neurotic basket case over analyzing my every move??? What if my friends wrote a book of nice things about me and whenever I doubt myself I look at it? I think that’s a great idea! Maybe I’ll suggest we all do one for graduation! I’ll have to figure out the details of that but that could be really cute and sentimental. Look how I distracted myself so easily. This post is a train wreck but to be fair I have way too many thoughts rn.