ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

And she act like how we share news with each is new…we have always shared big news with each other first. Now she we want to funny.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

Her reasoning for her violent behavior at her parents was because we were living in their garage. I was living in the garage and managed to control my behavior and not be violent.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

I just wanted to talk about how I want to eat less processed food.

Can I be safe with you when I ramble at night about my concerns? I wish I could.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

Can I be safe with you when I ramble at night about my concerns? I wish I could.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

So her problems w me include

• I don’t listen to her

• I don’t understand her

• I often take what she says and negatively make it about me.

That last one is interesting because she literally took my offer of an out and accused me of not believing she could break up with me if she wanted without an out.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

I am in the type of relationship where I make her upset when I go to the couch and watch tv without inviting her (I don’t think it’s necessary, she can just come, because it’s a small place we share.) but I’ll also make her upset when I don’t intuitively come and watch tv with her when she just goes and says she’s going to sit on the couch and watch tv sans invitation.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

I suppose it’s over when your gf says later on the phone instead love you.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

I’m getting tired of her nitpicking at everything I do without backing it up.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

Being around my bestie for over a week uninterrupted from my gf woke my inner self and individuality. It reminded me of what I like to do. It reminded me of what I enjoy and how I prefer to navigate life. It was a rebirth of my life.

I didn’t feel lost.

Why have I felt lost? I don’t think N made me feel lost. I do think my porous boundaries allowed me to sink so low that I spiraled into a state of who the fuck am I?

I know who I am. Or at least I was reminded when I spent time with ChN uninterrupted. You love the shade. You love to walk. You love being out late. You’re a night owl. You love food. You love vintage. You love expensive things. You love being off socials.

ChN made me feel validated in who I am to my core.

I can’t lose that feeling again. Certainty and confidence in who I am.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

Hakuna Matata makes a lot more sense as an adult

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

I’m going to se friends starting next month ☺️

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

If B ever told A she didn’t care about his feelings, I wonder what N would tell A to do. Especially if she said she had stopped caring two weeks ago

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

The best case scenario

We continue going to therapy for the rest of the year. I’m financially more stable. I can more easily afford life in the Bay independently. I’ve made a couple more friends in the Bay. I’m starting to feel like I have my own community. I’m happier. I’m more healed from past traumas in my relationship with N.

I’m looking forward to new possibilities in my career. I’m looking forward to traveling to Peru and Colombia. I’m turning 33. I’m about to be credit card debt free and no longer have a car loan. I’m making 90k.

My role at work better aligns with my interests and areas of professional growth.

This is the best case scenario.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

It’s as if I’m not even someone she loves or cares about anymore.

It will take more time this time to recover from this apology. You said you have stopped caring since I got back from Tahoe.

Call it walking it back but I do care about your feelings…

Well damn. I don’t think I’ve heard anyone say to me that they don’t care about my feelings ever. It’s so unkind. And I’m just supposed to quickly forgive because you said I’m sorry? It feels like she’s pushing me away intentionally. I feel pushed away.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

It will take more time this time to recover from this apology. You said you have stopped caring since I got back from Tahoe.

Call it walking it back but I do care about your feelings…

Well damn. I don’t think I’ve heard anyone say to me that they don’t care about my feelings ever. It’s so unkind. And I’m just supposed to quickly forgive because you said I’m sorry? It feels like she’s pushing me away intentionally. I feel pushed away.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

Have a good life

Said the person I fell in love with as she walked away.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]