ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou - Tumblr blog

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

I don’t know how long I can continue to be her gf if she continues to self sabotage.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

Nothing good. I feel undesired. I feel lonely. I feel like a fool. I feel like she doesn’t love me even though she says she does. I feel like I’m sitting in my car praise wishing I were back in Asheville.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

I’m starting to feel like I whenever she hangs out with certain people, our relationship is on the verge of tipping over.

I also feel like…

She’s always accusing me of running away, but I literally have been here, and continue to have faith in us after she lied about having a photo of a girl in her phone, she physically assaulted me while we were abroad, and her violent drunken stupor. Her flaws. I love her through her flaws.

However, whenever I fuck up, I get “ I regret moving back to the bay.” “ I don’t wanna put any money towards us right now.” “ we don’t have similar goals.” “ here we are popping off again.” I don’t pop off. And, I feel like whenever I make a mistake or I offend her, all faith is lost in us.

I’m accused of putting the pressure on her to meet my timeline. I’m accused of making everything on my timeline. But we haven’t done any big goal on my timeline.

It’s like I have to be flawless in order for her to have faith in us to do more as a couple.  if I make a mistake, we pump the brakes or delay.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

Can you just stop?!

Stop holding you accountable? Sorry. Stop what? I did everything you asked me to.

I used “I” statements. I expressed what I wanted. I gave more context to you. I even apologized!

I am sorry for reacting.

Y’all. I’m not kidding. I verbatim said this. 👆🏿

…you’re sorry for reacting…negatively?

Wowwww…. Are we really? Like you really.

I think it’s clear that I’m apologizing for reacting negatively. But sure I’ll say I’m sorry for reacting negatively.

This is wild as fuck because now you’re saying you’re feeling hopeless and we can’t even have a conversation in the morning.

What the actual fuck. Y’all.

She punched a wall again. That doesn’t feel safe or appropriate. Ever.

Then I bring the phone down to record (her idea) our conversation. Then she says

No. We’re supposed to discuss this together. 😠

I’m literally doing that right now. I am legit doing that right now.

Girlfriend flees in tears.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

I hate that she’s going far away for so long unplanned.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

Sometimes it’s hard to learn from you.

Damn. Okay, then.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

Give me strength. I don’t know if I should be here in this relationship or not. I need clarity and guidance. I don’t know where to find it.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

I don’t feel good

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

Maybe we’ve fallen out of love with each other because it doesn’t feel like love is coming from here

“Sorry it feels like I’m going straight into solutions.”

“You’re spiraling.”

“You’re pushing the one person who loves you away.”

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

“Sorry it feels like I’m going straight into solutions.”

“You’re spiraling.”

“You’re pushing the one person who loves you away.”

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

My mom was unrecognizable over the phone. She was a version I couldn’t be around when I was younger but I ran away or got away or whatever. I’ve been so distant for so long I was reminded of what I didn’t want in my life anymore.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

At times I wonder if my mom will ever be able to come to the conclusion or the ideal that I hope for. Like I would love it if she didn’t see me as a $$$ guzzler. Now I feel like my brother M feels that way too. Looks at me that way. Sees me as some distant relative who has $$$$$$$$ i do not. I am despóstate for their love and check ins tho. They don’t call to check in.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

Remember this D. Remember that she also just lied straight to your face about going out w Simone last weekend and deleted text messages to try to cover it up.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

Remember that it did happen again. She got drunk and embarrassed you and herself in front of your friends. She became violent and caused everyone harm. Remember that it did happen again.

First, she lied she lied she lied. And when she was caught in a lie, she lied some more. Second, she threw a fit and cried and yelled and got physical with me. And blamed it on the alcohol and said she blacked out so she doesn’t remember.

What third thing is going to happen that seals the deal with us?

Am I being too harsh?

I was hopeful before now I’m just tired and cautiously waiting for something bad to happen again.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

It used to be cute to tell our story about how we met and how each time she was drunker than a fish. Sometimes she did not even remember us meeting. Now I reflect on it and realize the many red flags. It seemed like a breakthrough today when we got that message from Meliss. Or maybe it was talking to Lexi. Or both. Either way I’m falling out of love and I don’t know how to feel or what I’m feeling but the goo goo eyes I had for her don’t feel like they’re there right now. I hope they come back.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

Does she even care about you or the gifts you bring if she continues to lose them? She lost the gold necklace. She left the bear.

[ihaveasecretlesbocrushonyou]

She didn’t even wait to try the Japanese restaurant w me like I did for her.