imtheworst-imsorry

[imtheworst-imsorry]

i’m starting to be able to feel my hipbones more easily again, can’t really see them yet but hopefully soon, my hips make me so dysphoric so feeling all the fat on them start to go away feels so good… now if only my stomach would stop being so flubby

[imtheworst-imsorry]

honestly if i could just get rid of this flub on my stomach i’d hate my body a decent amount less. even when i was at my lw my stomach still had this tiny little pooch that never went away and i hate it so fucking much

[imtheworst-imsorry]

i binged for the first time in ages last night, i was doing so well and then i ruined all my progress i just wanna crawl into a hole and never come out

[imtheworst-imsorry]

[imtheworst-imsorry]

my room would make for such good traumacore edits if my stuff wasn’t in here, like my walls and my curtains and furniture look so good for those kinds of photos but i’m not gonna use any of it bc my stuff will also be in the picture and that’ll ruin the vibe and also i don’t want my personal stuff to be in there bc it’s mine, idk i’m not explaining this well. but if i ever take all my stuff besides the furniture out of my room i’m taking some pictures bc it would work so well

[imtheworst-imsorry]

I miss not being miserable all the time

[imtheworst-imsorry]

in between when i got up to try to get my mom tickets for a concert she wants to go to (she had a haircut scheduled right when they were supposed to go on sale so she asked me to get them but the presale thing wasn’t working so i went back to bed) and when i got up again i had a dream about my friend that i lost contact with around 4 years ago. she didn’t recognize me and seemed really nervous to talk to me after i reintroduced myself and i basically said “can we please just talk about what happened and then if you never want to see or hear from me again that’s fine” and then i woke up right when we were about to start talking and i’m kinda bummed. like ik it was a dream but i really miss her and i wish i knew if she’s ok or where she’s living or how she’s doing, i also wish i could apologize for some stuff, mainly the drunk middle of the night texts from when i moved back home and was not coping well at all with the year plus long back to back traumas i had just been through, and there are things i wish i could ask her about, like some of the trauma stuff that she was also present for and that i have very limited knowledge/memory of (bc trauma and also substances) but i can’t talk to her about any of that bc she changed her number and deleted her social medias and moved away and i’ll probably never know what happened to her. i hope she’s doing okay, i hope she’s happy and safe. i miss you, lily, and i’m sorry.

[imtheworst-imsorry]

knowing i wasn’t born this way and i could have been okay is what kills me the most

[imtheworst-imsorry]

i appear to be having another gi flare up, which sucks but at least i have a valid reason for not eating much rn so hopefully my dietitian won’t be super annoyed with me tomorrow. there’s no point in going to a doctor bc they never do anything, they ignore my symptoms or accuse me of being lactose intolerant and causing the problems myself (and i know for a fact that i am definitely not lactose intolerant so any time a “doctor” says that i immediately know they’re untrustworthy and completely useless to me) so i’ll just ride it out like i always do, keep pepto available, and just deal. oh well.

[imtheworst-imsorry]

so when everyone else in society is obsessed with losing weight and dieting and exercise it’s normal and fine but when i do it it’s an eating disorder? ok sure…

[imtheworst-imsorry]

[imtheworst-imsorry]

and unfortunately i CAN’T stop going to see doctors entirely because i have enough health stuff that i’m on meds for that i have to keep seeing doctors so i can keep getting my meds, which fucking sucks. it would be great if i could figure out how to get off of some of them but i can’t really do that even like the only meds that i’m in that i could maybe possibly survive without are my meds to control my chronic migraines and like yeah i wouldn’t die or get super sick if i didn’t take those meds anymore but i’d have more migraines and that’s not great. everything else i’m on is literally like necessary for me to continue breathing (inhaler) or for me to not end up in a psych ward or at least to minimize that happening as much as possible (anxiety and depression meds) or my T which i have to be on for the rest of my life bc i had them take both ovaries out when i had my hysto and if i go like 3 days without it in my system i feel like i got hit by a bus. so i can’t even minimize going to the doctor by getting off any of my meds and even if i did want to stop taking my migraine meds i would need to talk to my neurologist and figure out how to slowly wean off of them and also “i don’t trust the healthcare system in this country and things are too expensive” isn’t a good enough reason to stop taking medication that helps me. so i guess i’ll just keep seeing the doctors that i’m already seeing as infrequently as possible and avoid seeing anybody else for any other reasons unless it’s life or death

like i’m sorry but do they not see how every time a healthcare “professional” invalidates a person’s symptoms or experiences or every time they brush someone off or they give a non-answer or they refuse to explain something in a way an average person could understand or they obviously just don’t give a shit, every time that shit happens it makes people trust the healthcare system less. at this point i’m so frustrated and fed up and disheartened from having to deal with this shit that unless i am actively dying i’m just gonna stop seeking medical “help” like unless i will literally keel over and die i’m just gonna stop seeing doctors because clearly they don’t actually care and they’re not gonna do anything to help me, so why should i waste my time and money going to the doctor’s if they’re not gonna do shit?

[imtheworst-imsorry]

like i’m sorry but do they not see how every time a healthcare “professional” invalidates a person’s symptoms or experiences or every time they brush someone off or they give a non-answer or they refuse to explain something in a way an average person could understand or they obviously just don’t give a shit, every time that shit happens it makes people trust the healthcare system less. at this point i’m so frustrated and fed up and disheartened from having to deal with this shit that unless i am actively dying i’m just gonna stop seeking medical “help” like unless i will literally keel over and die i’m just gonna stop seeing doctors because clearly they don’t actually care and they’re not gonna do anything to help me, so why should i waste my time and money going to the doctor’s if they’re not gonna do shit?

[imtheworst-imsorry]

360 days clean of sh but the world is really fucking testing me rn, i’m so close to a year clean but hoo boy am i pissed off and upset

[imtheworst-imsorry]

*showing visible symptoms* oh my god i need help desperately

*symptoms go away for one day* what if im just faking it

[imtheworst-imsorry]

ugh i keep forgetting my dietitian wants me to get an updated weight and i’m seeing her tomorrow, i can definitely weigh myself (i’ve been doing it almost every day, which isn’t great but better than several times a day) i just can’t decide if i should lie and say it’s higher than it is or if i should tell her the truth. obviously i Should tell her the truth, but ik it’s not gonna sound great cuz i’ve lost about 14ish pounds since i get home from php in early-ish november and she’s not gonna be happy to hear that

[imtheworst-imsorry]

born to feel everything intensely forced to suppress it