#and then there's my unstable mental health but i dont wanna get into that

[wh0r3zzz]

I'm so tired of feeling like this.

[orcelito]

I'm tired of the mood swings man like wtf is my problem

[abimee]

as someone who had to go to college bc it was the only conceivable way for me to escape an abusive environment, striaght up: dont go to college. your post is so true, if youre mentally ill (or physically ill, esp chronically) No One Gives A SHIT. i had an incident where i had to go to urgent care i was so sick and my professor was still like "Well. you need to show up to class or youre absent. if you have 2 absences, you fail automatically." so i had to show up half-dead. no one helps you. im also bipolar and went to my college's counselor for help and while she was a lovely woman she didnt support me much there she didnt know much about the disorder. the only way i was able to graduate was bc i was getting an art degree and making things i was already going to make anyway, if that makes sense, and ironically my anxiety disorder was helpful but oh my god it was so bad for my mental health!! so bad and awful!!

tldr: fuck everybody who starts berating you college sucks and theyre all fucking ableist as hell AND on TOP of that it is just such a classist ass money pit and its Not Fucking Worth It

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW IT IS and its SO FUNNY when people tell me to ''get a scholarship'' because news flash asshole; scholarships expect things from you like Bs in all your classes and to actually gaduate, when I can barely pull it together for a B in a class im GOOD AT in HIGHSCHOOL.

I WAS ALSO IN SPECIAL EDUCATION! My math class only went up to a 6th grade level, I never did pre-algebra! I dont even know how to go calculus or trig or any math involving letters and complex systems because my own highschool special education classes didnt teach me it because I wasnt capable enough for it yet! So even if i try to go into college on a scholarship theyll definitely revoke mine and make me pay for it in full once I have a manic episode and stop showing up for a week and then come back and have to tell my teachers ''yeah i never learned any of this in highschool. i was smoking cigarettes in dugouts instead of going to class''

like i am just Not someone who will make it through college unless they give me 30 different accomodations because I already dont have the money to deal with my Mysterious Body Proclems and my severe mixed bipolar that sends me into hysterics monthly in rapid cycles. Not to mention in highschool they found out that i just literally cannot learn in your typical school setup of sitting in a classroom with other people but they wont allow me to do homeschooling/online classes because im so Bipolar that if im left by myself for a long periods of time i may hurt myself. So im literally the most physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially unfit person for college 😭👍 AND I DONT EVEN HAVE ANYTHING I WANNA GO TO SCHOOL FOR!!! IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH AT ART FOR AN ART DEGREE, I CANT DO MATH, I AM TOO MENTALLY UNSTABLE FOR THINGS LIKE SOCIAL OR RELIGIOUS STUDIES, ETC.

Literally just a crockpot of unwell yet every time people find out i never went to college they act like im some dead end loser destined for nothing like gee thanks this makes me feel way better about myself, i bet you love making me feel bad from your ivory tower because you think im just lazy and not a literal psychotic threat to myself on every level. drives me MAD!

[daintydolldiary]

well, yes of course everyone has flaws but even with the little things you dislike about you, i would love them endlessly and wish nothing more than to help your realise how perfect every attribute you deem a flaw is, and how i just fall in love with all of you, every time, all over again! you’re absolutely everything to me! you’re such a good and sweet baby! such a good girl 💗 i’ll always be here, okay? you’re my sweet girl and you’re everything that i need in this world! don’t worry about a thing sweetie, as long as i’m here i’ll protect you i promise you that. im so so proud of my angel! you’re so sweet and perfect and you make me fall in love with you more and more every single minute. every second and minute we’re apart i miss you so so much. you underestimate how special you are, dainty doll! you’re such a beautiful little baby and i loooove you beyond what words can describe! my little sweetheart is so so pretty and precious! mwah mwahhhh i love you so so much my sweetheart and im so happy that there is a possibilty of getting a bracelet made by you. you dont need anyone else in this world i promise that i’ll to pamper you and make you feel as loved as possible from this point on, okay? no matter if you’re sad, angry, happy, scared or tired, nauseous, i’ll always be here! don’t ever hesitate to tell me about your feelings. i’ll always listen and love you forever and ever! don’t worry about me judging you.. please..! i love you beyond what words can describe and nothing in the entire entire universe will change that! i truly love you unconditionally and i hope ive expressed that in this letter! i cannot praise you enough, ahh! it is awfully late for you, i know you are from canada but more specifically are you from edmonton? i wish i was holding you until we both fell asleep. i wish i stroked your hair while praising you and telling you a goodnight story. i wish so deeply that we get to experience that love in the future. i wish i get to cuddle up in your arms and listen to your sweet words while you slowly drifting away to sleep.

please go ahead, rant about torturing and kidnapping people only for me to kidnap you in the same way and please whine about your mental illnesses, i would love to know everything! it is so adorable how you get flustered silly! well i said i like pink! you could make with pink and green! - 🍥

Dolly is so incredibly sorry it kept you waiting so long,,,, Doll fell asleep.... it tried to stay awake so it could respond- got too eepy though ^^

Honestly, most of Dolly's flaws are things like its bad mental health, how unstable its emotions are, and things of that sort. But Doll has a feeling you may not care about all that either ♡ so so sweet! Dolly is everything to you, does that mean you really won't go? You truly will stay??? Please please please stick around!!!! Dolly will try to relax its tiny little head, mmm thank you 🍥 hun! If you keep falling more and more in love with Dolly each minute that passes you must be just dying to hear from me again, hehe so cuteeeeee!!!!! Mmm~ you shower doll in such sweet love, you barely know Dolly n are just so incredibly lovely 💕 of course there is the chance you'll get a bracelet made by me, you seem quite determined to keep Dolly around, so it'd only be appropriate!!! You'll pamper me n adore me?! Eep! So kind of you miss 🍥 ♡

Dolls feelings n thoughts won't push you away? You are sure? Dolly really doesn't wanna burden you... a sweetie like you doesn't deserve all that on your shoulders 🩷 Dolly has a hard time believing you'll stay n that truly nothing could change that, Dolly will try to trust you though, haven't given Doll a reason not to after all ^^ Doll appreciates and adores every ounce of praise you've given it, very very much,, Eep!

Doll is not from Edmonton, you probably won't be able to just guess the city we live in, its not of the the big ones in Canada like Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton, Quebec,,, nothing of the sorts actually!!!

Mmm Doll would adore being held while drifting off to sleep, it's hair being played with, sweet praise and mumbles traveling lazily into its ears.... mmmm~ sounds like a dream come true! Speaking of dreams- Dolly doesn't remember what the dream was about- but you were in Dolls dreams last night >///////<

You'll kidnap Dolly?! R-really- such a stupid thing I am,getting so excited over what most would consider a dangerous threat, to Dolly it's just the most amazing thing you could tell them!!! Oh please- please please please kidnap Dolly!!!!! The thought alone makes m stupid little brain so excited >< D-Dolly isn't used to so much attention, especially not attention so incredibly sweet and loving!!! Of course Dolly will get all flustered and blushy,, hmph! Is not cuteeee!

Guess it's be pink n green. Very good color combination,, reminds doll or strawberries nd cute sweet things, like you!!!

[xxxg0ryygurlll13xxx]

i feel kinda bad abt taking my mental health/work day

like yea i get an insane amount of school work but theres ppl i go to school w who have practice, and rehersal and get it done. am i seriously this mentally weak and unstable?? that i get so stressed out and anxious over school i have to take a day to do it cause i cant do my work at school? really???? like i feel idk idk how i feel. i dont think guilty is the right word? but neither is weak? idk. but its bad. theres just so much going on in my family life too that im worried about and i keep trying to tell myself that this is ok and needed and i just have to get the work done but its so hard to not worry and get overanxious to the point i cant go to school. mental health is such a tricky thing and i know its important but i feel so bad when i take care of it. i will say i put on my insta note "needing to stay home from school to do schoolwork is crazy" and like 5 ppl from school have responded saying they do the same thing all the time cause its so necessary. that makes me feel less bad abt taking today off, well not really off im gonna spend my whole day working even tho thats what i did yesterday too after my PSAT and barely made a dent in my planner. its just its so much. so so so so much and i feel bad that other ppl can handle it but i cant. ik ppls brains are built different but how come i struggle so much in school and w school work and others just pass w As and dont even bat an eye???? ig stupid is how it makes me feel. guilty, weak, and stupid. its only october and i feel like im on a sinking ship, i have school to worry abt, loved ones in florida to worry abt, my mas health to worry abt, my health to worry abt, keeping the house at least kinda clean to worry abt, plans to worry abt, social things to worry abt, so much to worry abt. also slightly unrelated but i have a dr appt to go to on saturday and get to skip out on helping w open house at my school and trying to explain to my friend why no she wouldnt rather spend her saturday talking w her mothers spinal surgeon about how she could be paralyzed for the rest of her life, or how her back conditions could kill her. id rather work open house but she insisted i was "lucky" to miss out. i just feel so overwhelmed already. its only october and my mental health is already at such an edge that i cant go to school. ik that going where i go will be good in the long run and the adults around me are constantly telling me that but idk if its worth it since who knows if ill even make it to the long run. they keep insisting that too. ignoring my mental health concerns and just saying that i go to such a good school and my diploma will help me much more than if i went to public school. which is all tru but it shouldnt be at the cost of my mental, and physical health. they say itll make college easier but if this is supposed to prep me for college idk if i can make it another 4 years of this.

im not happy anymore. not long term anyways like sure hoco was fun and i was happy, i was happy getting ready and dancing but as soon as it ended i wasnt happy anymore. i was back to my now usual empty kind of sadness. i watch shows, play games, and make art that usually makes me happy and it doesnt anymore. i stopped drawing for pleasure, only watch shows and yt series to get it over with and havent touched any games in a long time. nothings fun anymore. everyone is so happy, going to parties, hanging out, having fun but here i am practically drowning trying to even crack a smile. ive started just doing the bare minimum for myself to survive. school, sleep, eating, showers basic things. ive abandoned most of my hobbies and ik thats not good for me but i just cant bring myself to do them. i wanna be happy and i dont want ppl ik to worry so i just kinda fake it hoping no one will notice and maybe i can make other ppl happy. im lonely, sad, anxious, guilty, depressed. i should be excited abt things but everything feels like an obligation now. im just trying to go abt life trying not to die and thats pretty much it.

[rq-solsymc-deactivated]

Dude it sounds like your partner is abusing you deadass

no dw im just severly mentally unstable and having a mental health crisis.

if anything im the harmful one in the relationship and i didnt even mean to be. so dw it isnt abusing me and if he was it would be consentual anyway.

context for last nights posts is that i did something horrible without realising and then was left with my own brain to steep in my mistakes.

that being said i appreciate the consern, but you dont have to worry about me getting abused/very genuine for the whole post

both her and i have therapists now who will step in if either of us fuck up (i didnt have one yet last night), i mostly just keep spiralling as a consiquence of my own actions.

edit: i also wanna way the sudden update in boundries was not so much as even asked for my my partner. it is just something i think would help our current personal situation

[midnighteloquence]

i just wanna talk

uh minor (MINORS!!!!!!!!) vent because im thinking

(mention of sui, sh, purg1ng, etc)

i actually dont know what to feel anymore. i dont really feel much these days except for pure, unbridled sadness. i can feel excited over my interests, but that excitement doesnt really last long till im just nothing again.

ive been getting more frequent stomach aches. not a stomach bug i mean the anxiety stomach aches. theyre here right now actually. ive just been super anxious and on edge recently, and i dont know how to stop the ever growing pit in my stomach. it grows every time i enter a room, when i have to present something infront of my classmates, when someone talks to me, when i text people, when im alone, when im with people. its everywhere and i dont like it.

earlier this term i avoided people because i was just so tired and empty. i hoped that it would somehow make me feel better, if i avoid the person who did me wrong. it really didnt. i didnt give them a satisfactory answer whenever they playfully insulted me because i could not bare to have them insult me one more fucking time. you know what happened? they started saying “ok.” to me saying literally fucking anything. i said “ok” to you dryly because you pissed me off, but if im talking about my interests casually thats nothing to be pissed off about.

i apologised to them for distancing myself (even though i was trying to fix my mental health) and told them i would talk to them more even though i dont like them anymore. the next day they sent a paragraph talking about how i wasnt really “proving myself” and that “they waited for me to talk to them instead of them starting the rare conversations we have” which actually killed me a bit. thats over exaggerating but im trying my fucking hardest to try and be your friend but my best isnt worthy enough. and also when have you ever put any effort into what im saying? like actually if i talk about my interests you say shit like “thats crazy” in a disinterested tone. i may be autistic but i can still pick up that you do not fucking care for a word i say. i actually pay attention, and you tell me im not proving myself to you? im sorry i started ranting haha

i think my crush started hating me. and this is a super common thing with all of my crushes for some reason. i just cant get them to not think im annoying. i just get so attached to them and the thought of being with them that they just stop liking me. and then i pick up on this and ask them constantly if they like me. he barely texts me anymore, his texts are super dry, its so obvious he doesnt want to talk to me. i started leaving him on read, just hoping he’ll start liking me again. thats probably super immature and slightly mentally unstable of me but idk im sorry

i stopped thinking about my future because i dont think i see one. i spent all week tired, crying in the school bathrooms, crying in my own bathroom, or crying in my room. i post constantly about killing myself or cvtting myself or purging because at this point i do not care what happens to me. my friend might be moving, my other friend im so fucking tired of, my other other friend is probably tired of me, the rest of the friendgroup probably wouldnt care less about me, i havent been the daughter i couldve been to my parents, im distant towards my brother, my crush lives far away anyways and probably doesnt like me anymore. it just seems like nothings really worth it. how likely is it that i get into a good university and get a good job? i dont even know what i want to do with my life past 18. the clubs i joined are just exhausting to go to now, im making no progress in my language learning, i get average scores in my tests, the only two hobbies i have i barely do anymore. its just so nothing

i have no dreams or aspirations, i have no hope for the future of not only me, this whole world. it will take me a hot 48 hours to think of a thing i wanna pursue. no one wants to be in a relationship with me. im pretty but not pretty enough for people to like me, and even if someone’s attracted to me, theres still my personality. its nothing special, plus just a bunch of red flags like jealousy, attachment, being distant, being sensitive, the list can go on. im just nothing really, i feel nothing, my personality is nothing, my looks are nothing, im nothing.

idk what else to say so bye :0) (clown)

[strawberrymilkshakeprice]

TW: health issues and mental health issues

hi, so apparently the day im supposed to get surgery is going to be a jam-packed day for the doctors so im getting it in 3 weeks... im tired man.... im tired of acting like this perfect human that has her life together. Im tired of my family saying that im doing so well, when they don't know the real me. they don't know im in debt, they don't know i have 2 unstable jobs, and let alone can barley even hold a job! the longest i went before getting fired was 3 months! im so fucking tired of faking being happy tired of asking how other peoples days were! im tired of comforting people, im tired! I dont want to go to therapy because i dont want to hear the same thing over and over again! i dont want pills! i want to feel something! i want to know how to stop feeling like nothings real! I wanna hang out with my friends and not feel like everyone there hates me! I dont wanna fell numb! i dont wanna feel happy, I just want to feel something! I feel like i wanna die but im too afraid to slip a knife through my throat. IM TIRED OF FAKING!!!

when i found out i had a tumor... that was the first time i was scared of dying. I at least want to try and get my life together. I dont want to have my head have a tumor, everytime i think about it i start crying and force my self to laugh. i dont want to wake up and find two empty vodka bottles and instant noodle cups laying around my house. i feel fake because i comfort my friends and i dont take the advice myself

Please i just wanna feel somthing other than pain, hurt, sadness and fake happiness. Just give me another chance, and i promise, ill do things differently... please. Cause to be honest i think im going insane.

[edelblau]

i have to post about this somewhere but its too vulnerable for twitter but like. today my mom was visiting and we were gonna hang out which yay! (and we did, that part still happened)

but at 10am i started getting texts from my dad (famous for never texting first) that are like. extremely suicidal about some Bad Shit that has happened in his life and like. idk i dont wanna like. be mad at vulnerability but >man who reacted to my uncles death with "That Sucks" basically >me being famously suicidal and unstable suddenly having to try to talk a 47 year old man through his mental health issues >the constant trial of never feeling i can be truly open with my dad about anything because if i dont walk on eggshells around him i might say something that leads him to get angry at me like i JUST went through my own suicidal breakdown last night i cannot comfort someone else especially not my dad who i have a fraught relationship with PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE i literally texted mymom saying 'please help me'

idk no matter what else is true about our Unique Familial Relationship and situation i dont want him to die, i love him regardless of how much he 'deserves' that but jesus christ sometimes i struggle to like. be there even for my friends its so much harder when its... like this. and. idk. part of me cant help but look at his messages where he metnioned im the only one his has with some frustration bc... thats all self inflicted?

my sister still hasnt blocked him (mostly for my sake), he has a brother who is alive and well and apparently asked after him when he ran into my mom, like. i dont know. if he just reached out to people and talked to them and apologized for all the shit hes done, met them on an equal level with understanding... because like. its both not healthy for him to rely solely on a mentally unwell 24 year old but also i dont want this at all. i want to be . idk. family. not his therapist or crisis line. i want him to reach out to me because he wants to talk to me, not because of the newest thing going wrong in his life and he needs a therapist.

idk. idk . idk . idk. idk

[wh0r3zzz]

Please just end my suffering.

[biological-catastrophe]

i mean. mostly just the recent stuff is fine. and possibly the current setting ? thank youu ! :3

also. same. its just that im. very embarrassed lol

-🍈 (if u dont already have any anons w that sign off ,,)

I think youre actually my first anon with a sign off!!! :D:D:D

Imma put everything under the cut bc im prone to rambling about ocs so idk how long this will be ehehehe

So just a short recap of previous lore, not too in detail:

Zee is Sou's younger brother (in this rp, Sou is transfem btw!). He kinda idolized her growing up, even agreeing to work at Asu-Naro but in his late teens he kinda realized. How bad she was.

As soon as she turned 18 he dyed his hair black and moved out, trying his best to hide his identity but obv it got out lol.

More recent stuff:

Zee is Not Doing Well since his sister died (Shin ended up killing her, tbh i dont remember why ive slept since then DSLKJ). Right before, he graduated college to go from working as an assassin to a biomedical engineer at Asu-Naro. Once he learned that Shin was the one to kill her, he kinda. Attempted to kill him. He made a poisonous medicine. Shin lived. I think after that, Zee left the cult Veritas Aurora and completely devoted himself to Asu-Naro. He works with Kaiser @ ask-thealchemist i believe it is to prepare for the next death game.

But like Zee's mental state has been getting worse and worse. He was extremely unstable, he threatened to kill Shin at least one other time. But it got Bad and he ended up cutting his arm off (he has a doll replacement). He was having Shin get rid of the evidence bc he couldn't do it himself and I think thats when Shin kinda. Sibling adopted him? That was a little bit ago. But afterwards his mental health was starting to get better.

Then.. Misty (aka Mars, or Mist-Shift) died. She was someone Zee was close to, one of his adoptive siblings. So then his mental health tanked again. After learning this, he grabbed some stuff and ran away from his home.

If you want to see the most recent Lore Video i made, i believe its under the hashtag 'lore'? ive made 3 videos but the other two are a little older ehe, theyre around when Zee started making the medicine that he ended up using to poison Shin.

Anyways long story short he ended up cutting his leg off. Shin found him (Zee was Not There Mentally and gave the poor man a concussion SDLKJS), he and Keiji got him to the hospital. He's doing a little better, but he's still a little unstable.

His current situation is technically at the hospital rn I believe? Shin is also there, Keiji is in the lobby last I was told. He's planning on staying at Shin's place for awhile until his mental health is better.

His normal residence is an apartment, nothing fancy.

A few other Fun Facts owo bc this is my Main Oc rn so I wanna ramble since i have the opportunity.

So when he worked as an assassin he actually would. Dress feminine to lure targets in. It was originally a little joke but fuck it, its canon now. People with a gaydar would often call him a lesbian. No honey, you got the gay in the wrong direction SDLKJD.

He has a tad bit obsessive boyfriend. Just a smidge obsessive. Yup. Nothing more. But its not Toxic, more just Clingy.

I absolutely fucking LOVE the symbolism im trying to make between Zee and Sou and im very happy its kinda working out

idk if ive said this but. zee doesnt honestly HATE Sou. most of it is surface level. like yes sou did some Bad Shit, but shes still his sister. he's angry he never got to reconcile with her.

last thing i think: theres this niftly little guy, the Zee AI back from when he was 12. He's currently with Shin right now, and he's besties with the Riley AI. his at is zee-ai I believe?

sorry thats a lot!! have a good one anon!!!

[xikyuu]

she just stopped. rn. over an hour and ten or so mins later. ranting below cut: (seriously im hella annoyed) (decent amount of swearing)

“you need to let go of this ‘i dont like it its big and scary 🥺🥺 terrifying’ thing uou have. its holding you back” its more of an intense hatred of the military hope this helps 🥰 and im not going into an occupation where the cons outweigh the pros. trauma? with guns? no thanks. i domt give a fuck if there behind the scenes stuff, the military is still disgusting and also highly complicate with lots of murders and especially genocide. im not changing my mind. and im not saying ‘i dont wike it :[[[ its scawwy :[[[‘ about druving either. its literally me almost crying every time i start driving.

also mom kept saying how she “doesnt wanna be mean momma bird but i gotta pull the fluff out from unfer the nest and you (me) is gonna make to learn to sink or swim— and i dont wanna see you sink”. okay first, if you dont wanna see me sink, MAYBE DONT FUCKING KICK ME OUT OF THE HOUSE IF I CANT GET INTO COLLEGE OR FIND A JOB THE MOMENT I GRADUATE? second!!!? have you considered that i could just. yk. kms?? (/nsrs) like have you thought about that mom?? because if i was living on the streets and couldnt do anything else, i def would consider it a few times most likely!! im not like mom, who believes god will safe her and also have the work ethic of a fucking,, idk,, something disciplined i guess.

and also. sending me into the military wont fix my discipline “issues”. thats just my mental health and autism!? fucking hell. maybe the reason i had issues turning in assignments during sophomore year was because im mENTALLY UNWELL!?

anyways… she wants me to know my options bc she doesnt want me to be homeless or dead basically. she still thinks im gonna have issues with college and actually interacting with people (i can interact with people. i know i have social anxiety but bitch i also have social awkwardness and that makes up for it. i can be straightforward)— which is a big part of psychology. ive been dead-set of psych since i was in 8th grade???? i want to work with high schoolers?? fuck off. i know what im getting into. i know im going to see unsavory things. i know im going to have to work with suicidal and extremely mentally unstable people eventually. its part of the job. literally on the tin. oh my fucking god im not a child. im not clueless.

shes dragging me to teh air force office a few doors down even though we dont have an apt

which is funny because it wasnt even a recruiting office

anyways all i learned was that the US favors the military (which i already knew). mom is about to start a lecture bc i said im not interested (still) and started going on about “you have this idea about what psychology is about—“ i think i know.

BRO 😭 dude ur mom REALLY wants you to join the military

you got this dude 🫡 godspeed

[walessgooglehistory]

mun talks

hi so apparently i have all my electives this semester and my regular classes next semester :)

i dont want to take pre-calc and ap world at the same time plEASE DONT MAKE ME IM —-

shRIEKS

i probably won’t be on much bc i’m actually taking h. world humanities now??? same teacher and everything as ap world so idk why they give them different names. oh well.

but imma have to study. especially with pre-calc ‘cause i think im gonna get a schedule change and take that this semester so yeah.

gdi im sorry idk why i made this account if im never gonna post anything related to what my blog is about smh. im such a disappointment

i’ll probably get back into it in a few weeks. and i’ll go through my inbox fucking finally. im so ashamed of myself

other than that? im pretty fucking happy

my animation teacher is fUCKING AWESOME like

he’s a dj out of school, he runs the anime club (which actually has gaming tournaments sometimes), he put his PSN and Xbox user on his syllabus so he can play with some of us, he made puns, he has the “bold and brash” meme on his board

he also said that spongebob teaches good ethics and that it’s probably his favorite tv show

then he apparently made a video himself and it was like “it’s the first day of school!” and someone started screaming for like a minute straight

again im??? sorry??? for??? ranting?? about??? my??? life??? adisbdksbdksbsjfbs

i’ve been gone too long that part of me is like “nobody wants you around you’re just annoying and nobody wants to interact with you” like hNNNNN W H Y

and then i feel like im interrupting shit like ; - ;

also i cant think of any searches or anything so um yeah

[axzeelspeckles]

Archon Quest & The Wanderer tangent + mental health

So I just finished it (I'm so far behind on everything Sumeru it hurts) I wanna just talk about stuff, so spoilers. A few things to note:

Im terrible at writing what I think so this is a random jumble of words lol

I'm not a psychologist/psychiatrist

I do have a very empathic innate understanding of mental health tho- I also have personal experience with it.

I simp for Scara, have from the moment I saw him

I knew roughly the story beats of the quest so I didnt go in blind

- so I had a lot of time to get used to the 'cop out'...

This is a repost of a thread I made on another site so if you find this elsewhere it me hi

... Which I'll quickly just address. I don't like how at the end he can't be on our side without the complications of what it would of meant if he as his original self would of been --- but im not gonna focus on that, what done is done. I will just say I would liked more if the voice lines people had of him were different- something along the lines of 'I cant remember what happened but it feels like im forgetting something' -  but im just going to do is focus on his character development. I believe Scaramouche is someone who would be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) which is an emotional dysregulation disorder which can heavily impact a person day to day which can effect their relationships with people.

People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense mood swings and feel uncertainty about how they see themselves. Their feelings for others can change quickly, and swing from extreme closeness to extreme dislike. These changing feelings can lead to unstable relationships and emotional pain. [- NIMH Gov]

And I know on tumblr people have more understanding of BPD but those who dont know or care says anything - no, this isn't the "edgy mental illness” I believe Collie is an example of another character who displays BPD as well. Both of these characters I believe are actually fantastic display of BPD?? Though Scaramouche is an example of what happens when it goes unchecked and Collei has made amazing progress to live with it in her day to day. But yes... the Archon Quest. Nahida expected and lowkey planned for it to play out the way it did, and even though that is the exact same manipulation that people have been doing that has ruined people, she did it for Scaramouche, and I cant help but love her a bit more for that. She didn't plant the idea in his head or guide his hand, but prepared for an outcome in case if he acted the way he did and allowed him to do so anyway - her trust in him and the traveler as well as herself to make sure things for him would be okay in the end. She cares for him. She understands his history and I bet she understands BPD and knows how to live with people who live with it too Nahida doesn't concern herself with the complications, the fact people would see this outcome as a 'cop out' or the lack of justice of Scaramouche not having to face his actions. Nahida cares about Scaramouche and that he is hurting and has been hurt. She acted accordingly with stride with no doubts. She never gives herself away, despite naturally and genuinely giving her complete self in any situation. Shes amazing (and someone I hope to be like someday). I love how Nahida has just endless trust and confidence in him and the people she works with. She treats people exactly how she would like to be treated in turn making her someone people would respect and up hold - and is such an amazing archon im so glad shes here.

---

And for someone who is constantly battling to remain guarded- Scaramouche thrives so much with how she treats him - it was amazing. (Although I do wish down to my core that the whole time thing didn't happen because I swear with Nahida and the traveler we could of helped him-- ok ok no I said I wouldnt talk about that topic). But you can see that he's able to be relaxed and confident, but his confidence is being directed in a way that isn't making him defensive! You can see the norm for him which is the exact opposite when he talks to the fatui! Example in the memory where he speaks to Signora - the communication itself is a battle for him. He needs to defend himself and let those around him know he isn't weak. He's constantly treading water, trying to stay afloat- to not be hurt, because he knows no one will hesitate to hurt him. You cannot show that type of weakness - they will see it and strike. And while yes the people who he talks to would of course react in turn to attack him when they are being attacked, if people were able to focus and care for Scaramouche they would acknowledge that it is a factor of his BPD and find ways to navigate these episodes - which we can see, can be done! And that is why he is always acting the way he is. Its a defense mechanism! A vicious cycle. [And I know there are so many players who don't see Scaramouche this way and it makes me actually really sad that they cant see how injuried he is. Every interaction we see him in is him masking and putting on a front, an act, and people think he's all evil because he's a dick. I hope if you see him that way that this thread can at least give you an alternative perspective though] But with that all mentioned... the fact he gave up himself without an instant to fix things... he just wants to do something greater than himself. He wants to help, he wants to make things happen and not necessary because he wants to be great, he just wants to fill in the void he feels. You can see that trauma survivors can have survivors guilt but one way of expressing this is by having an fragile ego believing that you being here means you have a purpose. Of course everyone thinks this but trauma can make it a lot harder to not to regulate your thoughts which can make obsessions more intrusive. He sacrificed himself to do some good after learning the truth within an instinct. To his core he is good. He has done bad and terrible things but he is still being good in these moments, not because he wants to 'do one last thing', but because it is the obvious right choice to do since he has the power to do so. Because they have the power to do so, and they saw a problem that can be helped by them. Nahida and Scaramouche both do this and damn I cant believe that my headcanons for Scaramouche being not evil boi TM actually came true?? First with Xiao and now Scaramouche? I am fed. ...Would someone who has had a history of pain and trauma not want to just erase it? Want to forget it, not want to experience it and not attached to it? Of course. But that ins't possible to do which is where you seek a professional to help you work through things. But yet here we are, and while... I don't like the game narrative of this happening, for a study in a traumatized character it is actually a really interesting path... which I still hate. The equivalent of this is suppressed memories. And I can talk from personal experience- having a memory of a distressing yet alone heavily traumatic situation is majorly distressing and/or soul crushing! Even more so if it is OUT OF NOWHERE. This is not how you recover from your trauma - its the opposite - trauma dumping! My poor boy didn't stand a chance! You even see The Wanderer, the moment I saw him I actually was so distressing for me. You could instantly see how empty he is. He's missing so much of himself. And all I could see up until the traveler talks to him was sadness. -I played it while talking to a friend and she couldnt see this and I swear this isn't because I simp for him though. This came across crystal clearly for me and im actually really shocked that apparently not everyone else did? But once he speaks to the traveler he develops drive and goals instantly. Again, this has always been there and is actually one of the main personality traits he always has on display. Scaramouche has always been the way the Wanderer is. But after we finish the Wanderers task for the stall keep, we see Nahida and Y I K E S we trauma dump him. And this hurt to watch. This isn't how you deal with trauma. "Just rip it off like a bandaid" is not the approach you have to something so devistating... ...and yet for the games purposes it had to be done like this. Lets say hypothetically if the game let the Wanderer slowly and healthily learn Scaramouche's history - he would of be an odd mixture of two people. But he would still ultimately be more of the Wanderer than Scaramouche! he could be able to connect with him but ultimately he would of been able to let him go. But the game could not do that for game reasons. He IS Scaramouche, he needs to STAY as Scaramouche. So trauma dumping it is. So he decides in true Wanderer/Scaramouche fashion that it is his duty to learn the truth. Because this is a drive and motivation and their character at their core would do anything to fix what is right regardless of what is their own consequence. And so he does. And he suffers for it, recalls painful memories and is in agony. ... and yet, when it is all done you can see instantly - "He is back to being the old Scaramouche". And this is where I say no. This is where people aren't seeing him. Scararmouche never left. You just know what to look for now to see his kindness. You just understand when his trauma is making him act up. You are just in an environment where he can allow his defenses not to be activated. The Wanderer has not had a personality change - sure he isn't the soft boy from before, but SIKE he actually is. Or rather, he can be when he chooses and is ready to be. But he'll never be that aimless or hollow ever again, but that wasn't Scaramouche, or The Wanderer, that was a blank state of being of going with the motions knowing something is missing. He'll never be so hollow again, but he will be able to display that unguarding kindness someday. The major change he has had his trauma and burdens are eased and no longer life controlling. He is on the path of recovery and overcoming his history. Scaramouche has always had the ability to be kind and not being evil, but he never had the enviroment where he could do so. He was molded in part to be the evil he became and while he was manipulated to do so, to degrees he did willingly not too concerned if he didnt have the full context. But the Wanderer is and has always been what Scaramouche is, just some people had to actively been shown who he is before they could see it themselves.

[elytrafemme]

under the cut rant about how people with mental illnesses are sometimes ableist but think that they aren’t even though they entirely are (dont rb but u sure can read ^_^ it’s just negative and ik some of u guys dont wanna see that on ur dashes on this fine friday / saturday so dont click under the cut if u dont want that stuff u know! ok love u)

i’m never going to get over the fact that all of my classmates and the majority of people i know in real life are all pro mental health support and all performatively say that they enjoy psychology and they get it really they do because you see they had an anxiety attack once when they were twelve so it makes them qualified. and yet the second i try to find a safe space in my very fucking infrequent attempts they try to make me feel insane. like the fact that they’re all like ohhh i’m so sad etc. but then i make a joke about my memory issues and nobody understands what i’m talking about and they’re like what the fuck is wrong with you. the way that everyone would laugh at the shitty guys’ jokes just to feel anything but when i laughed a little too hard and started full body sobbing everyone looked at me like i was the first case study for female hysteria in the fucking 1800s. i start doing unpredictable things and my memory gets all spotty and i start having these rages and i voice my reasonable fucking symptoms and all of a sudden it’s what the hell are you talking about write this down for your therapist oh can you stop venting to me that’s a little too much when i never vented i just existed around them like existing around them was a little too much. 

every second of the day i have to physically try to suppress the urge to tell these people that yes they’re mentally ill but also have no idea how the fuck to support other people with mental illnesses because i swear to God. these people will say oh i want to be a psychologist it’s because i have mental health issues ahaha. but then they look at me like i need to be in an asylum. it doesn’t help that i know some of them are trying to make me go insane because if they make me look crazy it helps their narrative (my ex would be very justified in treating me like shit if she could prove she broke up with me because i’m mentally unstable etc) i need my school to burn to the ground i’m so serious.

[brw]

hello! so ur the only one i know who likes hank pym lmao and i just wanna ask what is he like in the comics since i havent rlly had the time and effort to read it?

i dont rlly have an attentions span to even try (sadly this is annoying) and maybe u can drop some hank pym reading list if u have one :0

ooo hi anon! i'm glad you asked!

hank is, if you ask me, a greatly misunderstood and mistreated character, who was subjected to things which were DEFINITELY a product of the time he was being written in character wise, but rlly that shouldn't be held against his character as a whole. like i don't want to imply that you are under an obligation to like hank, or can't dislike him. but calling him abusive is, uh, certainly a stretch, and it kinda annoys me, the amount of people who have obviously only seen That Panel™ out of context, and have MAYBE read one or two of his appearances in mighty avengers or whatever out of context. it just. very much so annoys me.

anyway! hank is, imo, a very intriguing character. like other people/heroes, he is like, genuinely a good person with good intentions, and wants to improve things for everyone else. but his flaws are obvious and self-sabotaging. in his desire to be appreciated and loved as his counterparts reed richards & tony stark are (in universe, at least) he often ends up coming off as absorbed and egotistical. and certainly, hank can get a bit of a big head about his intelligence, but like literally every other genius character in the MU is the same. but for hank, because its so closely related to his need to be loved and praised, its more interesting to me! at least in my very humble opinion. he often gets self-destructive with his work habits, has an unfortunate tendency to fixate on things and to beat himself up continuously on things that aren't really his fault, all of which are possibly related to his bipolar disorder, his anxiety disorder or his depression, all of which he canonically has & has seeked medication for. initially too, in the early days where pseudo-psychology was more common, he was also implied to have a dissociative identity disorder. that was in fact where yellowjacket, and all his other identities of him came from at first; he claimed he killed hank pym when he was yellowjacket because he genuinely believed he had done so. janet seemed to think that by marrying him she could sort of merge the identities together or whatever, but that... obviously didn't work out lmao. this kinda stuff has since been abandoned, but that was it initially, as well as him being unstable due to overexposure to pym particles. here's an article that goes more in depth abt it.

but yeah! generally he's a well meaning guy who gets excited about bugs and gets flustered easily and does try his best, but does struggle, majorly with his mental health. i don't think he's seeked therapy, which i can understand he probably doesn't have much time for but i still think it would be beneficial for him to get; after all, antidepressants have been known to trigger manic episodes in people with bipolar disorder, so i can't imagine with the mix of all three treatments he'd be very coherent lmao (not that i'm against medication; i am requesting some soon for my insomnia myself, but taking a lot can have ill effects if you don't first consult a doctor)

as a personal bonus, if you do ever decide to read one or two comics with hank, i suggest the avengers a.i series! it's very sweet, very funny, hank is written pretty well imo and there's bonus content of vision being a dork and seeing a doombot forced into heroics against his will. i also recommend his appearances in vol 2 of West Coast Avengers, where he decided to save lives and help people not as ant-man, giant-man, goliath, or yellowjacket, but just as hank pym! this is after The Infamous Scene, where he has apparently "merged" and intends to do his best just as himself, which is a powerful choice to make imo! he does almost attempt suicide though in issue 17 so watch out for that if that triggers you at all.

i do love him a lot, he's obviously like, not perfect but he has a lot of potential and i would really like to see a new arc with him where they explore him coming to terms w/ all his mental health & being diagnosed at a later age.

and finally, have two panels of him being cute :>

he is so small...

also, if you haven't watched it i also suggest the avengers: earth's mightiest heroes cartoon! it's very good for hank content, him and janet are adorable together in it.