#and then act like they are actually happy for me or are interested in what I’m doing
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I haven't said as much about electoral politics this year as I have in previous cycles, because I am exhausted like everyone else and have nothing new or helpful to add. That is still true, so caveat lector I guess lmao!!! Happy American Election Day Fellow Sufferers!!
I have been experiencing an internal backlash the last few years to my extremely Sorkinpilled D.C. private school upbringing -- my childhood spent as a kind of convent schoolgirl in the faith of The System Is Good If We All Participate, which of course has a uhhh let's say generously a minimal engagement with the ways in which many of us are by design shut out of participating. I don't think idealism is necessarily childish, but I think MY idealism certainly has childish qualities, an undergirding of 90s feel-goodism, of civic participation as a subtle ego stroke and of voting -- although I would never have consciously put it this way -- as a way to feel superior to people who don't vote.
Lately there has bubbled up in me a sludgy, adolescent fury at this whole stupid country that has made it very very hard to feel like I should do even the bare minimum. For these people? AMERICANS? The ones that not only want Donald Trump to be president but saw what happened the first time and were like, We love this, do it again but worse? Whatever, fuckos. "I hope you people get your dearest wish and it chews you to death slowly," I may have thought.
I have also thought: why is it so controversial to ask elected officials to stop funding a genocide? Why are we treating people who make that ask, who are watching the current administration directly fund death on a mass scale and objecting to that choice, as if they are being babies and just need to get over it? How are they supposed to get over it? Why is anybody over it?
Anyway all this means that I, a known chipper door-knocker and caller of congresspeople, have been pretty low-key this current cycle. I think that is OK. I don't want to make this a big dramatic confessional about how I didn't write enough postcards or whatever. We all get exhausted and this was my turn.
But it has also been an illuminating cycle in that it's made it clear to me how much at my big age I still want politics to make me feel good, and when they don't, I still have the urge to throw a lil tantrum about it! I can get very superior and intellectual about how right-wing operatives manipulate their voters emotionally WITHOUT EVEN NOTICING that I too have been manipulated, in my case into the feeling that nonparticipation is a kind of revolutionary act.* Just absolute "I threw it on the GROUND" logic happening inside my head. "Maybe if I don't vote I will be doing Quiet Quitting, which is uhhhhh anticapitalist." I'm not a part of your system!!!
Anyway, I am trying to have self-compassion about it, and one way for me to do that is to project my internal experience onto a theoretical reader. That would be you, my imaginary friend who clicked on this post for some reason even though you have already decided not to vote! I just want to tell you that I am more sympathetic to your point of view than I have ever been in my whole life, and I'm sorry I have historically been a glib, holier-than-thou asshole about it in ways that may actually have made you MORE resistant to civic participation.
And you're right: it doesn't make that big a difference whether I personally vote or not, or whether you do. But if there are hundreds of us, and I think there are, then each of those people individually do starts to matter.
I guess I would humbly request that you and I both pay attention to what people who need help are actually asking for. I would ask that we both notice who wins when we abdicate this single responsibility. I would remind us both that participating in the electoral process is not some kind of weird either-or with participating in decentralized community building and mutual aid, and the best people we know do both. Isn't it interesting that somehow, insidiously, without even consciously becoming aware of this belief, we have started to think that you can only do one or the other? Who is telling us that story? Who does it serve?
Anyway. I took the stupid 90 minute round trip to my polling place which was VERY hot for some reason and I stood in the stupid line and some babies waved at me and I cast my vote for Kamala Harris and I'm glad I did it in the same way I'm glad after I do the dishes or take a stupid shower. Doing work doesn't always feel like anything. I also saw a really wonderful small black and white dog that I thought was a cat on a leash. I would not have seen that dog if I hadn't gone to vote. So politics can still make you feel good!!!
*I mean all this analysis is cute and everything BUT ALSO i did switch antidepressants twice in the last year, an astonishingly grueling process that almost made me [affect the trout population]. Could these things be related? hmmmmmmm, don't understand the question, won't respond to it.
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How about for our early xmas gift, you give us a version where Yuu comes back to twst again🙂
(You broke my heart po💔)
Maybe This Time
Intro: Everything changed after you left. But maybe he still stayed the same.
Warnings: bad grammar, awful writing, not proofread, jade is veryy bad, kinda yandere ish
A/N: Counted as a sequel to this, though you can probably read it as a standalone. Sige na nga anonnie merry xmas happy new year nlng sayo haha. Maybe this tiiiime it'll be lovin' they'll find—*gets shot*
Masterlist
Jade forgets what it's like to live.
The day you left, all color drained from the world he resides in. Rather, your absence pushed him from being an active participant into one that only watches.
Still, it only takes him a day to get back to work.
"You can take a longer break."
He waves off Azul with such a well-practiced smile even he might believe it. "I don't need a break. What is it for, even? There's no use reminiscing over such boring things."
Boring.
Boring boring boring.
The word makes him livid. It makes him seethe with a burning, passionate anger he was unaware was even stored within him. Maybe that's why you left. Maybe Jade failed to excite you. He and his brother are people that stay because of interest, so perhaps the reason you left was because Jade could no longer interest you. Is that it?
Why else?
Why else would you shatter him the first chance that you get?
It takes him one week to forget.
Not you. Sevens know he'll never forget you. You were a whirlwind that crashed through everything he knew and smashed him to smithereens. It takes him a week to forget that he's still hiding his pain.
He forgets he's in pain.
You're a rotting, festering wound that he's buried under layers of pretend. He's such a good actor even Floyd is—
"Stop cryin'."
Well. Maybe not Floyd. Jade raises a hand to his cheek and finds no tears. "You weren't crying. But I made you look, right?" Floyd grins, "Hurry and pack. Maybe nonna can help you get over shrimpy. She's real good at life advice~"
He's sure life advice won't help, but it wouldn't hurt (any more) to try.
The waters of the Coral Sea are frigid. It doesn't numb him enough when he's so used to it, but it's alright. He's fine, anyway. There's no more regret. No more bitter hatred. Only the familiar salt of the ocean water. His parents mean well when they fret over him, asking his twin brother for details. His grandmother is worriedly chattering over his shoulder, and he's made aware that he's unable to fool them this time. He's good at pretending. His family couldn't pick out his faux smiles when he's entangled in mischief, nor could they identify the mock innocence he likes to act out when he gets into fights with other mer. But now, why now? Why are they able to press their hand on that beating, dead thing in his chest and attempt to comfort it when the only thing it wants to do is wallow and wither in nothingness?
They couldn't tell when he was pretending to be good.
But they can tell that he's pretending to be okay.
It doesn't make sense.
It takes one month for everything to fall back in routine. Sleeping potions and pills and spells aid in nights when he's preoccupied with memories of a person he wished never existed at all.
His grades are higher than they'd ever been, and he's so ridiculously productive. It's all on track. Everything is just as it was before you. There was a time in his life before you. He can fill in the empty spot you'd left behind with dirt and the pieces of himself you'd killed that fateful day.
And thus, there will be a time after you.
"Jade," Azul hands him a familiar plush toy, "Floyd told me to give this back to you."
The felt shrimp plushie is mocking him; there is no other explanation. It's one half of a pair, actually. In some dingy arcade in town was a claw machine filled with small mushroom, shrimp, egg, onion, and garlic plushies. The owner called the machine "shrimp fried crane game". You were the one to win one mushroom plushie you kept for yourself, and you gave him the shrimp.
The mushroom was in your suitcase.
In his rampage (he wouldn't call it that, really), he had destroyed everything that reminded him of you that same night, or rather, early morning. He watched polaroids and love letters burn inside a metal dumpster he'd hauled from school grounds. The shrimp wasn't part of the bonfire.
It seems Floyd had snuck it away.
He inspects the toy with his usual smile, tight-lipped and close-eyed, nodding at Azul. He wants it out of his sight for a long, long time. If it could feel as forgotten as he felt, let those feelings be transferred to you. He wishes you pain and agony and guilt and regret.
It takes one year for him to let out a genuine chuckle.
His twin brother stares at him like he'd grown a second head, and Jade is aware it's unusual. Even though the joke he'd laughed at was so inane, the fact of the matter was that he laughed, which in itself is so strange. Perhaps this is a good thing. No, it can only be a good thing. What is it if not a sign that he's healing?
And soon, he won't remember you at all.
And you will cease to exist in his mind.
But it's not meant to happen today.
No, with that little laugh, grief like several tonnes of cement hit him right where it hurts the most; it's heavy, and debilitating, and it makes it nigh impossible for him to even breathe.
(Because you were the air he once consumed, and neither humans nor mer are made for such long term suffocation.)
"I've never seen you laugh before," the young man in front of him smiles with thick, syrupy lovesickness, "it suits you."
The person is an underclassman who'd been following him around recently. Like a poor mockup of your silhouette, he hears the same promises you couldn't keep from the mouth of another. It irks him more than he'd like to admit, because if he does, then it means admitting that he still remembers you. It means he still holds you up in his altar and lights flames in your name.
He does not.
Whoever says otherwise, whether it be Floyd or Azul, or Silver or Riddle; they all lie.
He only remembers you in anger. In bouts of madness that makes him question your existence, it is then that your name leaves his lips.
It takes one decade.
For what?
For forgiveness? For the hate to fade?
On his 27th birthday, his phone rings with a number he's long since engraved in his heart.
Jade forgot how to live in your absence.
In the decade you'd left, he only existed. It is a passive state of consistent routine that allows him to appear normal to his peers. Still, his closest people know he was left incomplete. He became a creature without a sense of purpose, and it was a sad thing. How pitiful it was for a predator to be reduced to a vessel containing shards of a broken heart.
Still, it is your name that he finds. It is your number.
A number from a phone kept in some dark corner of NRC's storage room. It's likely a student who decided to scroll through your contacts and found his contact name amusing. You did have quite the strange penchant for putting strange names in your contact list.
He answers the call in a moment of boredom.
There is nothing interesting to do in a business party.
"Hello? Jade?"
He stops. There is nothing in this world or yours that could erase each and every memory he's ever made with you. The voice is one he's heard often and dreams and even more in nightmares; it has replaced the voice of his dead conscience and pushed him to a meaningless drifting existence instead of finding thrill in things you would despise him for.
It's been a decade and instead of forgetting you, he didn't know when he melded you into his bones and stitched you into the fabric of his soul, but he knows you more than he knows himself.
"I'm back."
There is no more bitter hatred. There is no more regret.
"Can you pick me up?"
In one moment, it all dissipates into nothingness and there is only you.
Jade remembers how to breathe again. He feels that withered thing in his chest beat once more, and he feels alive.
It takes one decade for you to return.
And he didn't know he was waiting for you, but then, what could every second without you have meant if not just an endless eternity of patiently waiting?
"Did you see my message?"
"I did."
"Are you not afraid I'll make good on my promise?"
"I've never been afraid of you."
Yet, perhaps you should be. He may no longer despise you with every fiber of his being, but you'd betrayed him and lost his trust. There will be no more second chances. You will stay unlike before, and if he must break every mirror in the world to ensure his heart remains beating, then it will be all too easy.
Taglist:
@yummyyummyinmytumny @lemon-koii @fsh1
#disney twst#disney twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland#gender neutral reader#x reader#twst x reader#jade leech x reader#jade leech#jade x reader
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I think what annoys me so much about the way the show blasts Blitzo for being a cold and unromantic partner is that it’s a perfect example of ignoring worldbuilding to make a character look worse.
By human standards, Blitzo abandoning someone when they tell them that they love him is pretty cowardly and understandably upsetting. But in Hell standards? Verosika should’ve fucking known he’d run away because Hell seems to look down heavily at the concept of love. This is like knowing that it’s taboo to kiss and then getting mad at a character for not kissing you. You can’t blame someone for being adjusted to what society expects of you. Verosika can still be hurt but it’s genuinely insane how much she clings on to this hate like he did a crime.
And the fact that we just skip over seeing their relationship is also infuriating because I get the feeling that Viv was both not interested in actually showing us what Verosika was like and also afraid to make her do anything that feels more in line with her character which is act angsty and spiteful
I've had a thought about Verosika. From the we've seen this season, the writers have actually listened to and addressed criticism for the show. The Ghostfuckers leaks show an overhaul of the original story, the fact that episodes got shifted around at the start of the series, the blatant un-writing of the assassination plot, and the fact that Unhappy Campers was the only pre-special episode to not be in the season 2 trailer (most likely because it was still in the early stages of animation due to massive rewrites to incorporate more Millie) are all evidence to this. It's obvious the crew is not happy about it, but they are listening.
With that in mind, the show has repeatedly been accused of extremely sexist writing in favor of the male cast. As such, it's not surprising to see the pivot more towards "humanizing" the female characters in specific. I remember seeing a lot of comments about how they wouldn't forgive the show if they made another female character irredeemably cruel and brainless following The Circus, and even louder after Western Energy.
What fans had wanted was a complicated or even toxic dynamic where both characters weren't perfect, but still held Blitz accountable for his actions, fairly. What they got was the cheapest, laziest writing I've ever seen. Not only does it not make sense in regards to the established world building of Hell's attitude towards love, it still makes no sense for Blitz to run away just because Verosika said she loved him, only to then adopt a child. He explicitly goes to the pound looking for a pup, pivoting to taking in Loona out of pity. It's like saying marriage is too much of a commitment, but still having kids.
Instead, Medrano overcorrected to pander to critics the same way she panders to her fans. Verosika is not an irredeemably cruel and stupid, spiteful woman. She's a perfect victim actually. Not only is her only crime falling in love, but the relationship ended so fast and sudden that she didn't have any time to do anything.
All these choices feel not only deliberate, but resentful in how little care went into the writing. The most drastic overhaul being to Ghostfuckers where the entire narrative trimmed down and immensely reworked already existing elements into the script. It goes to show the level of improvement possible to an idea when given better direction, but it also shows the limitations of not having actual writers on the team.
Ghostfuckers does an amateur's best and comes out generally okay, but still suffers from over reliance on tropes without narrative substance. It's the genuine best that can be done with this team. And unfortunately that's still not good enough.
#vivziepop critical#helluva boss critical#helluva boss criticism#helluva boss critique#spindlehorse critical#vivienne medrano#vivziepop#vivziepop criticism#anon ask#anonymous#asked and answered
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@thehelplessmortals shared this with me and...Penelope coded.
instagram
She definitely tried to gross out Odysseus in a dumb "You think you can handle me, idiot? >:) " way. (She's stubborn and in denial at first. When she realizes she actually likes him, she's a mess.) And while eating raw fish is normal for naiad-born in Sparta, when she learned Odysseus wasn't used to naiads in daily life, she just really went wild with it.
He's just staring at her kind of expressionless and she thinks "Ha, see? You don't really like me."
But he's just like
"You like carp? Cuz if you do, we got plenty on Ithaca! Many more fish too! And if we don't, I'll get you some!"
And she's annoyed because her plan didn't work. Girlie is self-sabotaging even though she thinks he's neat.
#this is normal for naiads but she also doesn't have impulse control. She'll jump in mid-convo.#...part of the joke is that basically no one eats carp because they're fucking disgusting :D same with catfish...at least where I live#Helen: “uh...I could just shock the water and then you could get them.”#Penelope: “Where's the sport in that?! >:( ”#It's not like a “playing hard to get” she just genuinely doesn't believe he could possibly like her and being a shit about it.#“Helen's supposed to get the happy ending. not me” (which Helen even is like “you're an idiot”) she eventually gets#her act together :D she's overwhelmed right now. especially since he's just head over heels and just... a LOT as he doesn't know#what to do with these feelings either and she gets mad at him for constantly talking about marriage “The more you say it. the less I wanna"#especially with his reputation to bully and fuck with people. and the fact that he lied to her so much when they first met. she doesn't#trust him. He's overwhelming her and then she's finally like. “if you're so interested. we're doing things at my pace.” then things get chi#they're both so used to putting up their guard that they can't genuinely believe this could be something wonderful#she actually is kind of afraid of the fact that “...Do you just have a thing for Naiads?? since you're not used to them?” are you weird?#but he interacts fine with other naiads. and isn't affected by Helen.#shot by odysseus#Mad rambles#my headcanons#odypen#btw. she chew through bone technically :D fish bone but bone#kind of want to make a “moodboard for the Water Wife”#penelope#Water Wife
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you know if we do accept the last epilogue-esque sequence as a sort of dream/wish of ted's and therefore not necessarily canon, very funny if we then simply go "yeah, trent's book is called 'the lasso way' actually. he didn't change that. nope."
#listen on one hand#i think that like#i don't think ted actually changed trent's mind about the title#i think trent changed it because ted asked him to#and like that's especially interesting bc he even made a point of being like#'tell me if you disagree with anything and i'll tell you why you're wrong'#but he respects ted; more than that he likes him and he wants him to like the book--like him#anyone else and trent would have told them to fuck off but ted? ted asking him to change the title? yeah#i think he didn't agree with 'it not being about him'--and not bc of any feelings he may have for ted--but if we accept that him changing#the title is canon then like. he did it because ted asked. nothing more nothing less#maybe he felt he owed it to ted as the subject of the book; maybe he just respected him too much not to#maybe it's partially bc of his feelings; maybe it's because he just couldn't say no to ted#but it's ultimately just. because ted asked him.#and trent respects him; trusts him; cares about him#and that's pretty heartwrenching#but like on the other hand if we say 'no that was ted's wishufl thinking trent definitely went 'sorry ted it's called the lasso way''#also like.... him being like. like quietly not changing it and if ted said something him just. being like#ted. i respect you. i care about you. i trust you. but with all due respect absolutely not#yes it isn't ONLY about you but YOU made this happen. YOU are special and YOU have a place here whether you can stay forever or not#yes it's about the team and the coaches yes you aren't a one man band but ted. TED. you touched lives. you changed lives. and that was YOU.#that was you and your philosophy and your attitude.#you made richmond what it is today. yes the team deserve credit too for the kind of bond they have now but YOU facilitated that#none of the coaches currently here woudl be coaches if not for you. the diamond dogs wouldn't exist. literally every single one#of our friends--OUR friends--wouldn't be where they are and probably wouldn't be as happy#you got through to people over and over again who were hurting and lashing out. to rebecca. to roy. to jamie. to nate. to me.#and you can be humble but there's being humble and there's acting like you don't matter to any of us like you didn't have an impact#like you can just leave without a trace. we don't blame you for leaving--i especially don't--but acting like we won't miss you and like#your time with all of us--our time--meant nothing is more insulting than it is humble because we /love you/#and yes. it was the goddamn lasso way that built this place#this community.
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did you guys know that, well, the cruelty is the point
#i love this entire scene sooooo bad it's so delicious#flaunting the tadpole abilities and what he's capable of -- he's broken free of cazador somehow AND he can withstand the sun#and THEN once they leave. he attempts to manipulate tav in suuuuch a genuinely horrible way like#oh well of course i feel bad for them. i mean they're FORCED to do cazador's bidding. but no matter!#i'm fine sacrificing them for my own gain :) or rather... for OUR gain :)#this will keep both of us safe :) and... well... you want me to be safe right? :) you want me to be happy right? :)#this isnt him at his worst by any means but god it's soooo so good after how his act 2 arc is if youre romancing him#he's open and vulnerable and tells tav all about his plans and how he's been manipulating them this whole time#only to do it in a fun and new and interesting way all over again. but this time youre already 100% on his team#ANYWAY. i like when he's a bit fucking terrible#bg3#playing bg3#astarion#act 3 is really just a whole new beast to me at this point. how fun. i only got here once before and it was buggy and barely worked#sorry. i will be soooo deeply annoying as i rotate everyone in my head like little rotisserie chickens for the next few days#really thinking about how elluin is dealing with seeing this - she understands feeling like power will fix everything and keep her safe#but unlike astarion is capable of thinking long-term and about consequences#so this has her shaking in her fucking boots. and really has her grappling with the reality of their relationship#so until they actually get to the szarr palace and deal with the ritual... she's super withdrawn with astarion and even with the others#she wants him to be safe bc it means that she can realistically be safe since they're weird little mirrors for each other#but also. does safety exist without it becoming warped and horrifying#sorry. i will be normal again eventually
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Ep 5!!!
#Episodes that make me go “The author has never talked with a woman ever” 😓😓😓#I don't like how Lucy's character is handled at all. And I feel like I can't talk about it because I'm just going to sound like a bitter–#ss/kk shipper... But I really don't like it. And if it can help my case I'm a multishipper so I really don't take any–#issues with atsu/lucy I like the ship quite a lot actually.#So you're telling me there's this girl... Who meets this boy who pretty much ruined her life by directly causing her to lose her job...#And the next time she sees him she's going to sacrifice her own freedom for him as well as tell him “when you're done doing your things–#come and save me” (longest ewwww ever)... And when she regains freedom (author didn't bother to explain how because they don't care)–#she goes to work... As a waitress at the café beneath his workplace. So he can keep doing his Cool Superpowers Job while she literally–#must serve him every time he visits the place. It's just ?????????????????????????????????#Look‚ I don't dislike Lucy and I feel general affection towards her. It's just that they make her act like no one ever would#Just for the sake of the plot I guess#And like I knoww it's (probably just a little) more nuanced than that. I know Lucy is living her own fairy tale fantasy.#It's just that what I've said about her story is still true‚ you know?#I'm sorry but as sweet as atsu/lucy can be. I really hate the author for making Lucy a waitress. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.#It's so weird. This anime has women writing standards that feel like dating back to the 20s#Same with Katai and the ideal woman tbh. Like why are women to be seen as this abstract impersonal entities? Why can't they just be people?#Ideal for WHO. It's like super screwed up of a concept. What even is an ideal woman? What does it mean to be a woman anyways?#They just want to say “ideal wife”. But women aren't made to be wives their existence isn't functional to another person.#Sorry. I derail. Next episode is going to be even worse on this front ughhhh#Back to the episode: once again it really shows they were running out of budget with this season‚‚‚ the animation looks very suffered#Too many flashback also... I feel bad for the animators tbh#I don't really like the shift in art style :( Not even Atsushi I found particularly pretty this episode my heart cries#The nail pulling thing made me feel like throwing up afhsjyabfsbfwasfvb I feel like I can bear worse gore but there's a couple of little–#specific things I can't stand and this seems to be one of them pffftttt#I like Higuchi I think she's both very funny and cool. I really wish she was explored more (but then again looking at Teruko... )#The relationship between Kunikida and Katai looks so interesting even though we only get glimpses of it. Kunikida regrets Katai leaving–#the ada but is also happy for him but also worries for him. He comes to his house seemingly to check on him and starts cleaning around.#The way he loves him and cherishes their friendship and shared history is really evident and it makes for a compelling dynamic.#Perhaps I should read their short story... In any case. Going to someone's house and compulsively start doing the dishes half out of will–#to help out half because he can't bear the mess sounds a lot like something I'd do lol
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finished homestuck!! and adding it to my ever growing list of ‘media near-universally labelled as cringe that actually kinda slaps’
#like i won’t lie parts of it? terrible. i can’t even begin to piece together half of the lord english plot#but i think a lot more of it was actually really really good. especially act 4 and act 5 they were my favourite hands down#act 6 not so much. like separately? i loved the alpha kids and the dancestors and the concept of the cherubs was really interesting#but somewhere the execution fell short. it’s gonna annoy me cause i can’t figure out why#i think it might be the retcon. which i didn’t hate as an idea!! but it occurred closer to the end than i thought it would#i feel like if they’d explored the impact of the retcon more it might have flowed better?? idk#idk. act six as a whole i’m split on. i either loved what it did or was massively confused and exasperated by what it did#it’s like half of the comic and i got through it in about a week when it took me like a month to do acts 1-5#and it doesn’t feel like that much happened it’s weird#but yknow. it is the act that sold me on vriska!! like i liked her before but i really liked her ghosting it up in this act#the bit where ghost vriska and ghost terezi found each other nearly had me in tears#vrisrezi as a whole. what a concept. easily one of the best dynamics in the entire thing#i really hope terezi finds vriska post-canon. however i’m not sure if i want to read the epilogues and homestuck 2 or not yet#ooh ooh also!! john fulfilling his quest slapped!! that’s probably one of my favourite bits in homestuck ngl#and omg. did not see davekat coming i won’t lie but i was v happy about it#k ill stop now bc i will end up listing half the characters and my favourite bits about them. and as fun as that would be#i really need to sleep haha#homestuck
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柄本 佑 || 「光る君へ」 (2024) · 第三十九回 「とだえぬ絆」
#柄本佑#tasuku emoto#光る君へ#hikaru kimi e#1x39#made by me#fujiwara no michinaga#藤原道長#also tagging#藤原行成#dude really scares the shit outta me the way he said he wanted to see atsuhira-sama become actual mikado#kyoko was so right#that's what michinaga is now#all he thinks about is power and he'll do or say anything to justify it#and he must be very fucking happy that mahiro is there to DEFEND HIS GREED#tasuku-san's acting is really interesting in this two episodes#I mean like. power officially has gone to his head he's the darkest he's ever been#but in the meantime. Tasuku-san tried his best to present michinaga as the charming and sorta romantic guy#as in the murazaki shikibu diary#which is really smart. I think he did such a good job#I was so confused when in the last episode he acted in pettishly charming manner in front of mahiro#but the moment he started talking about how he's afraid that genji monogatari's become a bad influence on atsuyasu-sama#I IMMEDIATELY GOT IT#well Oishi sensei I'm still waiting the knocking on the door at midnight situation to happen#hopefully soon??? and I really want to see them actually write waka like face to face#just forget about if they gonna tell him katako is his daughter. who gives a shit? what's he gonna do if he knew?#doesnt make any sense to make it a big deal. I mean. he knew. he's not stupid#speaking of mahiro's family. farewell nobunori :'(#and farewell korechika. I love the nuances on michinaga's face when he asked takaie about korechika's last moments#that's his nephew after all
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My ass was trying so hard not to jump up and down with glee playing yttd with my sister and getting to the shin reveal I was like MY GUY MY FUNNY LAD MY SILLY RABBIT
#the klock keeps ticking#yttd#its like i cant get ahead of myself when talking about him cuz theres still a lot not revealed by the end of ch2 but STILLLL#i was keeping my opinions on characters pretty neutral this whole playthrough though my bias towards gin and kai was very apparent lol#and i did start screaming in agony reliving my worst nightmare joe dying#i dont think my sister was nearly as torn up about it as i was though like god ill still never get over it#the first time i played i actually gross sobbed like maybe i was just sleep deprived but i was inconsolable literally never cried that hard#but yeah we did the second main game today and i was like#‘not trying to persuade your vote but heres one million reasons why we should let shin live ahaha’#i dont think she was very happy with her vote aldnks#but yeah i really am gonna be sooo annoying next time we play im literally gonna bring pages of shin analysis with me that i can gush about#it is an interesting thing this character cuz to me like everything about him is so clear like even from the beginning i just didnt buy#the idea that he was genuinely an asshole i knew there had to have been something more going on#and idk if ive made it clear guys…but hes exactly like me guys hes just like me fr#his story hits so hard it feels like my own self insert which is weird cuz obviously thats not true#but like i feel like its either you get it or you dont and if you dont understand exactly what this character feels cuz you feel it yourself#i feel like so much of him just wont make any sense to you#maybe im just being pretentious idk but like if you cant relate to his abuse and just#very blatant bpd then I feel like youll just judge him on how good or badof a person he is#like it just doesnt feel like itd hit in the same way like when i see this character talking about being hopeless and the way his trauma#makes him act irrationally like god it just clicks so hard it makes so much sense and i can physically feel it through the screen#I MAY BE FERAL ABOUT THIS CHARACTER TO AN ABSURD DEGREE SHHH#basically what im getting at is i feel if i dont over explain everything about this character to other people i fear they just Wont Get It#and that they will be judgmental which idk i guess makes me defensive#anyway yeah i just enjoy getting to re experience the spiral this guy has given me and i will be thinking about it a lot tonight
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the thing with shri’iia to me is that she is very easy to manipulate if you say the right words. that’s how the matriarch kept her in a leash and cage and shri’iia WAS happy with that until she accidentally escaped and slowly realised how shitty all that was. that’s why - in an oathbreaker shri’iia run - she starts to spite the emperor once she realises what he’s doing with her, and why a vengeance shri’iia run would still be plausible after the religious/self existential crisis bc she’ll be in a really vulnerable place and she would want to hear those right words, you know …
#like she is a professional liar herself sure..!!! and she uses people too … but Shri’iia is first foremost a paladin and she’s programmed#to serve under someone or something … and she’s literally willing to do anything for the thing she’s following#like she is very disconnected with her sense of self since she just sees herself as a tool/extension to serve out orders#and she’s fine with doing anything! 🤷♀️ she doesn’t care ! 🤷♀️ she’ll be happy about it even#shri’iia is a well trained dog who doesn’t question what she’s told … so when she becomes an Oathbreaker and she actually has to figure out#who SHE is/what she wants/what she wants to do etc. it’s like 🧍♀️❓❓❓#sooo very daunting bc she doesn’t know … she has no sense of self outside of her oaths and who she serves ….#and why it is so significant for her when she accepts being an Oathbreaker bc that’s her first step to reclaiming her own autonomy ….#and why her becoming a vengeance paladin again is a regression bc it’s the dog running back to their own cage and locking the door behind#them … anyway it is so interesting to me because I see shri’iia as a selfish character#who’s also quite greedy. and she doesn’t like charity. but when it comes to doing something for the very thing she believes in#suddenly she is so self sacrificial. like I think she has such a tunnel vision to her oath that she disregards anything else#when it gets involved … which makes her act 1 denying the Lolth worship hurts even more bc she’s ACTIVELY choosing to deny that u know ..#like it’s a purposeful choice and that’s what leads to the oathbreaking … all that bc she was too scared and frightened#since she’s all alone in an environment that’s so new to her surrounded by people who could kill her bc she’s a drow lol
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get you someone who looks at you the way hayama-san watches his team 💜💜💜
#this is vee speaking#i’m feeling like a toxic hayama stan rn and i’m actively fighting the mindset since there’s no reason to be lol#like i was watching a different anime japan panel he attended and mced for that kimura was also a part of#and got my fight and defend instinct triggered because kimura wouldn’t stfu and let hayama-san do his job#and jokingly teased him for almost missing a cue because hayama-san was humouring him#the panel was interesting to watch lol because kimura wasn’t the only big personality on that stage#and did later get called out for talking over people lol this just wasn’t the kinda chat panel he wanted it to be#anyway so that happened and i needed to detoxify my psyche lmao and looked at some 8th live pics LOL#i’m pretty sure this was during if i follow my heart actually!!!!!!!!#like while watching that day one performance there was a camera angle that happened to include hayama-san in frame#and he honestly looked like he was in awe lol it’s that solos pOWER—#you know what just makes me happy???? the way takeuchi-san and hayama-san both patted sakakihara-san a job well done after moonlight shadow#it was giving kuukou and hitoya looking out for jyushi vibes which is probably why they did it and i love them for it lmao!!!! 😭😭😭😭#the smile on sakakihara-san’s face too WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH 💜💜💜💜💜💜#i’ve also been feeling very insane about hayama-san’s skirt from day two lol#the way he dances and struts and sometimes twirls in it had me acting up!!!!!#it’s got a silver buckle on the side but you wouldn’t know that if he didn’t have some hip action going on since his sukajan covered it up!!#mmrgpphhhmhhrrghhpphhhhrhmhggrrrrrmphhmh#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrtghgffrfghffrfggrgggfrfhfrrgggggrrrfhhgffrfh#whew!!!!!!!!!!! that was a good detoxification!!!!!!!!!!! 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗#c: seiyuu stuff
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Father telling my grandmother to not apologize to me for making stupid assumptions is like. Wow. Just say you are not capable of saying sorry to your kids and go lol. If you’re going to undo all progress I’ve hammered into that woman’s old brain I’m going to maim you verbally for real real the next time we talk 🤷
#d0 stuff#negative#He thinks I’m this unpleasant to everyone but the truth is he gets special treatment for being an absolute dick to me#but whenever I see him it’s just#battle mode#I hate him#he’s trying to do some positive interactions sometimes but they are not a counterweight for his generally shitty persona#also like#the problem I have with all of my parents#is like. zero attitude consistency#like they will go on a shouting spree one day and next day act as if everything is okay#or like they will openly mock me and hate some of my life choices#and then act like they are actually happy for me or are interested in what I’m doing#I hate it#it’s unbearable and I don’t do that so they always get mad that I’m consistently avoiding and cold to them lol#like. idk how this isn’t registering but#I just don’t like you people#for real
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#the thing is my mom carries so much pain inside her and i love her so much and she is wonderful#but at the same time there are things that i genuinely don't know if i can forgive. but she acts like there isn't anything#TO forgive which makes it worse#and whenever i bring anything up she doesn't change her behavior because she cannot recognize it when she's wrong about something#but she actually invalidates me a lot and i don't appreciate it and i KNOW i'm annoying about my special interests#but it really sucks that she makes it so obvious#like can't she pretend to be interested in what i want to tell her?? for once??#you'd think fifteen-plus years of her pretending i was perfectly okay would merit some infodumping on my part#it's just that she's never apologized for not doing anything to help me she's just made excuses and said 'well sorry but'#and that's not enough but at this point i'm not going to GET a genuine apology out of her#or out of my dad he isn't exempt from this!#like i'm scared to ask my dad if he's seen a movie i think he'd be interested in because i don't want to set her off#or deal with her disapproval. and she just doesn't care about my special interests at all#which i get but sometimes i feel like she doesn't really care that they make me happy either#like pretending that i'm not autistic now that i have shit figured out doesn't make it go away#it genuinely fucking sucks but i can't say anything to her because she can't cope with being wrong about anything. even jeopardy answers#this is why it means so much to me that you guys like when i infodump about old hollywood because no one else does#except my sister obvi but she does not live with me so#<333333#persannal
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really long rant (happy rant) in the tags, mostly towards @synthetic-lavender /vpos
romance repulsed aros and romance favourable aros are both cool and valid but because i never see anything about us: shoutout to romance indifferent aros. romance neutral aros. aros who just couldn't care less. aros who have a conflicted relationship with romance. aros who are fine with romance in some contexts but not in others. aros who don't mind romance when it's not amatonormativity being shoved down their throats. aros who haven't yet figured out their feelings about romance. aros to whom romance is Just Something That Exists. y'all are rad as hell and it's okay not to 'pick a side'!!
#I’m an aro who is heavily indifferent about romance except for when it comes to our beloved Freya because we love her as both a friend#and as a lover.#there’s a saying we like to go by that we picked up on from one of our favorite songs#“Kiss whoever makes you feel sound but it takes time man to figure it all out”#AND WE STRONGLY STAND BY THAT.#We’ve been through so many relationships that romance isn’t really a thing anymore to us because of trauma and abuse. We only felt romance#towards two people (Freya being one of them) that it’s lowkey so numbing to us but yet we also like the idea of romance because like#you get to share your life and your life experiences with somebody you love and it’s the most amazing thing ever because it builds the bond#between you guys closer and stronger and it’s beautiful.#but yet it’s so confusing and new to us still because like. whenever we think about freya it gets so gushy and messy because we actually#love her and it’s so strange and new because she’s actually a really good person.#I tell you. Freya is literally one of the best person in the world. Freya would literally sit there and wait for you to return and would#wait for you forever and looks past the abuse and misguidance you went through with the person that abused you previously because deep down#inside she knows that’s there’s a gentle and sweet and caring being within you that wants to be let out and free.#she looks past the facades and masks you’d go through to please people and brings out the best in you. she knows that you wouldn’t act that#way and she knows that you’re equally as much as a being as she is.#she knows deep down inside that you have a huge distaste towards cursing all the time she knows that you want to help everyone and she know#that no matter what anyone tells you that your interests will always be apart of who you truly are#a childish fun-loving sweet person who just wants everyone to be okay.#she sees past all of the dirt that’s been put in my mouth and understands that what you had to do was to survive.#and god darn it. you survived. you’re still surviving.#and you can’t help but melt because all you’ve known are false loves and friendships and relationships yet this is real.#she’s real. she’s so. kind and pure. she doesn’t want any trouble or rottenness to be spread around. she just wants everyone to be happy.#like you.#not all of us are designed to be with everyone. some of us need more care and kindness than others.#and. I think Freya. is the right one for me. for us. for us as a system. but. especially for. me.#Freya reminds me of the first person that first truly loved us and I love that because Freya is better than the first person we actually ha#feelings for. They even have a similar-ish name. Felicity. Freya. both begins with F has an e within their names and has a y close to the#end of both their names.#having someone that reminds you of someone you truly loved and cared for and having someone who’s an actual good pure person is. the best.
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I also have good news for my MBTI type and enneagram which makes me actually impressed, shocked and I feel like I can know myself better despite all my issues I have within that.
Come to find out, I use Si pretty well or at least its one of my functions and i'm def a sensory which took a long time for me to understand, I do check off some things for intuition (we all have it to some degree) But I check more boxes off for sensor than I do intuition. I might be an ISFJ/ISTJ (or ESTJ/ESFJ) Which shocked me but makes a lot of sense! I'm happy to have finally figured things out!
#Also turns out I my ennagram may be a 9 or a 8 but I see myself more as a 9#it took YEARS for me to get this shit all right cus its so hard to type yourself#but my friend also helped me some what so i'm super thankful for that#also type isn't fully who you are#I hate the mbti sterotypes it fucks ppl up#they don't actually explain what P/J's are very well either#functions are easier to follow and work with#my special interest is deadass mbti#long post#long tags#stereotypes also push the most mundane shit everyone does ever in mbti which makes it harder to find your type#happy to find out i'm probably and ISFJ/ISTJ (and maybe a ESTJ/ESFJ)#I use to think I was an ISTP but I don't have Se at all!#I use to to not think I was a J type too due to stereotypes#my buddy is a J type but he isn't as organized as you think#I JUST HAVE TO YAP ABOUT IT!! I am HAPPY!! and I hyperfixate like crazy!!#also mental illness and being neurodivergent can fuck up your typeing#it's more so how you act around others#socially i'm super introverted so I think it's why I have I and Ne some where#i'm just so happy cus it took me YEARS to get it sorted#I yap#super longish post#txt
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