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robust-cicada · 3 years ago

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Fade Out Again (Thom Yorke X Reader)

For @shehangsbrightly

prompt: honestly i would be allll over the bends era thom, and i think something angsty is what i’m feeling rn. do your magic 😌

Gender Neutral and SFW

CW: angst, burnout, arguments, swearing, guilt, break up, bad mental health.

“I really don’t know what you want from me! I thought you’d be happy to see me after, I don’t know? Nearly a year? But no, I’m the bad guy as always!”

“You think that you’re the only one this tour has taken a toll on? I haven’t been in the comfort of my own home in a year. I haven’t seen my friends or family in a YEAR! You can’t always expect to be my top priority!”

“Obviously. You know, every tour you do the more of a self-centered asshole you become. Just because your band is ‘making it big’ doesn’t mean you have to treat the people in your life like shit, Thom! It isn’t just me. Ed literally has told me numerous stories from when you got too drunk to even perform! You promised.”

“Oh enough of that promise bullshit Y/N! I’m sick of it!”

“Well, that shows how much you fucking cared about it, huh? Shows what a promise means to you? You’re pathetic. The amount of love and support I have poured into you since fucking college and one hit song throws every promise and hope for our future away.”

“Oh fuck off.”

I let out a dry laugh and walked to our bedroom. I grabbed a suitcase and packed as much as I could shove into it.

“What are you doing now?”

“Fucking off. I’m done, Thom. Absolutely done.”

“Yeah sure. You won’t last more than two days Y/N, and you know it. We’ve been through this before.”

I stormed towards him, his back colliding with the wall. I looked into his eyes, trying to look for any sign of remorse in his cold, blue orbs.

“Not this time Thom. I’m tired of crawling back to you with hopes that things will be how they used to again. I am tired of endlessly longing for you to return the love I give to you. You’ve changed and if this is you now? I want no part of it.”

He scoffed and looked away from me.

“Anything to say? Or are you too good for that, Mr. Big Rockstar?”

��Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

I scoffed and grabbed my stuff. I stormed out onto the snowy streets. It was freezing but I didn’t dare look back. It felt like I had been walking for hours before I found a phone booth. I put the change in the slot and dialed the only number I could remember through my rage.

“Hey, Eddie? It’s Y/N..”

“What happened this time?”

“Well, what usually happens when he gets home I suppose. Are you busy?”

“Need somewhere to stay?”

“Ye-ah.” My voice cracked as tears swelled my eyes.

“Where are you, I’ll be there as soon as I can?”

---

It had been nearly two months since we broke up and not a word was spoken between us. Ed had generously let me rent out the spare room in his house until I got my shit together, which did not seem to be happening. All I could seem to do was cry, work, and sleep. Eddie was wonderful and tried to help when he could, but he tended to keep his distance. At some point, I knew Thom would end up stumbling into the house, however, I did not expect to hear his voice breaking downstairs as he talked to Ed.

Thom’s POV

“Ed, it’s driving me mad! Do you know where they are, have you heard from them, anything?”

“If they wanted you to know where they were, they would’ve contacted you. I can’t really help you, man.”

“I just. I can’t do this anymore. I need them, so badly. You don’t fucking understand.” I crumbled to the ground in tears. “It’s my fault. Every time they leave it’s my fault and- and I just expect them to come back. What happened to me, Eddie? What... happened?”

“Thom. You’re the only person who’s gonna be able to fix this and you know it. I’m not helping you anymore. We’ve been through this too many times. I’m not a fucking couples counselor!” He grabbed his hair in frustration.

“You… You too? You’re supposed to be my best friend, and you’re giving up on me too?”

“You know what, Thom? That’s your problem. You can’t take any fucking responsibility for anything, can you? It’s always somebody else’s fault with you!”

I couldn’t even form a response. My thoughts spiraled rapidly as I tried to figure out where everything went to shit.

“I-I’m so-rry. I don’t know what to do, a-and I don’t mean to throw it all on you, Eddie, you… You’re just always so good with this stuff and you know them so well and- and- and..”

“Thom,” He held his head in his hand, “take a breath. There’s no need for all the blubbering.”

“But-”

“Just shut up for a minute okay? I’ll be right back.”

He marched up the stairs and disappeared. A few minutes later he came back down. Followed by Y/N.

Y/N’s POV

His face was tear-stained and puffy. He was in a pile on the floor looking as hopeless as an abandoned puppy.

“Y/N..”

I felt my jaw clench as I looked at him. I wanted to slap him and yell at him for everything he put me through, but my body betrayed me. Instead, I found myself kneeling in front of him, arm reaching out to cup his face in my hand. Tears streamed down his cheeks once again as he rested in my palm. He turned to kiss my fingertips.

“I’m sorry Y/N… I took you for granted. I thought you would always come back, and this time you didn’t, and my ego left with you. I need you, I need you so badly love. I can’t do this without you. Please I will do anything to have you back… Please.” He was barely speaking and as he whispered he looked me in the eyes for the first time in years.

“I... I can’t, Thom.”

His posture snapped to attention and I watched his heart shatter again.

“Why not..?”

“You hurt me.”

Tears of my own now mimicked his.

“Please.”

“Thom, stop.”

“I can’t. I can’t because I love you, and if you ever loved me then you would come back.”

“Don’t you fucking dare with that bullshit Thomas.”

I stood and walked away, but he followed.

“Love doesn’t go away Y/N, you told me that yourself. If you loved me you wouldn’t walk away like this. You’re really willing to throw everything away like that?”

“Stop. Thom, I- I can’t do this, just go.”

“I’m not leaving without you.”

“And I’m not leaving with you.”

He approached me and gently grabbed my hands, giving me the same damn look he did every time he wanted to get his way.

“No, Thom. Stop. Please.”

“One more chance, that’s all I ask. If I fuck it up again I promise you will never hear from me again. I’ll take you on the next tour, I’ll let you get a puppy like you’ve always wanted. Literally, anything you want is yours. You don’t ever have to work again. Just, please?”

“You still don’t get it. I don’t want material things or money. I don’t, well I do want a puppy,” We chuckled, “But that’s not why I left. All I want is your love, some of your time and attention. I want to feel safe with you. I want to feel at home. I don’t feel like that with you anymore. The only feelings that run through me when I look at you are sadness and insecurity. You make me feel like a child being scolded by their mother. I just can’t live like that again.”

“I promise that I will fix what needs to be fixed and will do anything I can to make you feel safe again, just trust me.”

“We both know promises aren’t your thing.”

“I’ll keep this one.”

“I can’t believe that, Thom.”

“I’ll let Ed take over the band if I break this promise and I will never perform with Radiohead again.”

“Oh, shove off you lunatic! I’m not worth that. Your fans would have my head.”

“I’m serious.”

“You make everything so hard on me.”

“Jesus, Y/N would you please just say yes? All you have done the past two months aside from work is cry and sleep. I can barely get you to eat. Just get it over with. If he fucks you over again I will personally skin him alive, just, get it over with you two!”

Thom looked at me hopefully. I sighed.

“Fine.”

“THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!”

He planted kisses all over my face and pulled me into a tight hug.

“Jesus, Thom, you smell! When was your last shower?”

“I... I have no clue,” He scratched his neck and looked at the ground.

“I mean, you are rank! You smell like a secondary boys locker room after P.E.”

“Okay, in my defense, I didn’t think you were going to be here.”

“Yeah, so it’s okay that I suffer in your stench then?”

“Well, we’ve shared a tour bus, I figure that you’re used to it by now.”

“Well, by that logic, if Y/N is coming on tour with us, they better get used to it too, because you’ve smelled worse after a show.”

“Lovely.”

He laughed and engulfed me in a hug again. I gave in and dug my face into his neck, letting him rock us side to side.

“Let’s get you home then, yeah?”

“If anyone needs to get home it’s you so you can shower!”

“We can shower together if you’d like.”

“Okay, yeah, if you could leave the dirty talk for the car ride home it would be appreciated.”

We laughed once again.

“I’ll go pack,” I placed a soft kiss on his cheek before walking up the stairs.

“I love you, Y/N!”

“I love you too Thom.”

#radiohead #thom yorke #thom yorke x reader #the bends

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mbti-notes · 4 years ago

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Anon wrote: INFJ here. One thing that I dislike about myself is that I am really avoidant and shy. I can't stand my ground or defend myself or others. I either doubt my rightfulness or worry about the other party yelling, beating me or overreacting.

I went to a butcher's with someone and the guy prepared us the wrong meat. The quality was a bit worse than the one we originally picked. The guy was still insisting and trying to sell it to us. Me being a pushover, accepted it easily. It was the wrong meat, but the guy had prepared it for us. And the guy could lash out and show a bad reaction.

However, the person who was with me went and confronted the guy and didn't back down, until the guy changed the meat and gave us the original good quality one. The whole time, I was worried about the butcher yelling at her or saying something hurtful. As we left, she told me to stop being weak and afraid of holding my ground, and learn to defend myself. I wish I were like her, but I clearly lack this skill and can't defend myself or others close to me, because I'm avoidant and confrontation-averse. I either don't know if I have to confront, or I'm afraid of the other person's reaction. I usually just smile and accept things.

I'm even afraid of driving and refuse to drive because I'm afraid of having to confront people for car-related or driving-related things. How can I improve myself in this manner and get thick-skinned? What sorts of steps can I take before putting myself into a (exposure) situation where I have to confront a potentially aggressive person?

__________________

Not knowing how to speak up for yourself harms you in several ways:

Low self-awareness: When you aren’t even aware of your own needs, desires, rights, and boundaries, you don’t really know yourself.

Low self-worth: What is your existence when you don’t even recognize that you and your needs matter just as much as everyone else’s?

Unable to care for yourself: When you don’t recognize your emotional needs or don’t recognize that they are important, you won’t work to fulfill them, which means that you won’t tend properly to your psychological well-being. This makes you more prone to suffering mental health problems.

Unable to protect yourself: When YOU can’t even respect your own needs, desires, rights, and boundaries, it’s a signal to others that it’s okay to dismiss you or violate you. Unfortunately, some people in this world don’t hesitate to take as much as they can from others. They look specifically for people like you because you let them get away with it.

Identify the root of the problem. Everything you think, feel, and do is rooted in fear. You have an overreactive fear reflex that leads you to always expect the worst from people. Do you honestly believe that the majority of people are violent rageaholics? People may get upset but it doesn’t mean that they’re going to attack you viciously. Is there a reason why your view of the world is so negative and extreme?

Fear is an emotional problem, which means that you have to work on your emotional intelligence. You’re trying to be smart by anticipating how events will go, which is natural for Ni doms. However, you only ever see how things could turn out horribly, which immediately activates fear. When your mind is so easily hijacked by fear and its related emotions, how can you think straight, let alone formulate a good strategy for handling a problematic situation?

Avoidance is exactly the wrong strategy because 1) it keeps you passive and stuck in weakness, and 2) you never develop the skills that you need to grow and solve this problem. To solve a problem, the first step is to confront it, then you can examine it and come up with a solution. INFJs who struggle with auxiliary Fe development usually struggle with learning social skills. If your fear and anxiety are extremely deep-seated (i.e. a result of serious past trauma), then it is also a good idea to get professional therapy. Unresolved trauma makes the process of learning new skills more difficult than it has to be, so it should be dealt with first.

When you don’t know how to do something (i.e. incompetency), it’s natural to be apprehensive because you feel like you have no control over anything. Thus, increase your social competency. Having good social skills allows you to think about social situations with more nuance and sophistication, as opposed to defaulting immediately to the most extreme scenario. Social skills are just like any other skill in that you have to study, practice, and improve systematically.

The following skills work together to improve social competency:

Emotional Intelligence: Be aware of feelings and emotions, both your own and others’. De-escalate intense emotions to keep a clear and calm head. Assess situations based on facts rather than fear, so that you can stop treating everyone as a threat and build common ground instead.

Communication Skills: Express yourself and your needs effectively. Respond to other people’s needs effectively. Ask the right questions to clarify situations and avoid miscommunication. Diffuse tension with empathy and diplomacy. Negotiate compromises.

Assertiveness Training: Know your rights, enforce your boundaries, and speak up for what you are owed. Treat your needs and goals as important. Ask for help or support as needed. Develop strategies for expressing yourself in specific scenarios that you’ve repeatedly found difficult to navigate.

Conflict Resolution: Have a strategy for dealing with conflict. Have ways to test how amenable people are to discussion and compromise. Have ways of making reasonable requests without anger or aggression. Have good contingency plans for when situations get out of your control.

Nobody is born with this knowledge. Most people learn social skills by socializing, making mistakes, and doing better the next time. The longer you’ve avoided natural experimental learning, the worse your skills will be. If experimental learning is too much for you, due to unmanageable fear and anxiety, learn on your own first so that you feel more prepared. There are plenty of resources out there. See the Emotional Well-Being section, the relevant tags, and the resources list for book recommendations on the above topics.

#infj #auxiliary fe #social skills #social anxiety #emotional intelligence #assertiveness #self worth #confidence #self care #boundaries #catastrophizing #ask

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everythingblreview · 3 years ago

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Slow Damage review 2.0 Part 1

It’s 16 pages actually

Hello I’m back and instead of actually writing a new review of a game, or playing a new game that’s a lie I’m playing more than one VN at the same time right now. I’ve been thinking a lot about slow damage lately and wanted to write my full thoughts/analysis on it. For this occasion, I replayed the game. This will be full of spoiler of everything in the game as well as the spoiler of the short story.

Disclaimer: This is MY opinion, I’m not wanting to start a discussion, this is just how I experienced the game. Not everything here will be in a positive light and I don’t hold back from criticize what I didn’t like. This is a fictional game so please don’t attack me. But if you are fine with me babbling 16 pages about the game, you can go ahead. Important to note: Towa is my favourite character, so my thought on the routes are all Towa centered

(I probaly forgot some stuff but please excuse the game is really long)

I will start from the unlocked route and work toward the true route. Starting with Taku~

Taku

After replaying Taku’s route I noticed some differences to my first time playing.

First his route was my second favourite in the game the first time I played it, but replaying it, it was not really interesting anymore. His story is all about him developing drugs for Toono because of his deb he made so he could study to become a doctor, but if you know already about this part there is nothing else to really investigate. His backstory with his mother is ok, he feels guilty for stuff he done in his route but that’s all there is, when you already know the secret Taku is hiding, there is not much left, that’s why is lacks something if you replay it.

The second thing is his relationship with Towa, before I talk about the problem, I personally have with it I will talk about the things I did like: Taku already was protective of Towa since he was a child, and his feeling developed into more later on, from what Taku said we can assume his feelings turned into “like” after the incident with Asakura. Towa feeling to Taku developed during the time they spent together when they were both locked in the building. Taku was someone he always felt save with, back in his horrible childhood when no one was there for him, only Taku(it was probably the only time he could get away from his crazy mother), and after the fear of losing Taku he noticed he has deeper feelings for him (at this point we can’t say that is romantic love because Towa doesn’t understand this feeling, but Taku is special for him it’s canon don’t attack me). The development part of their feelings was nice and felt pretty realistic. Secondly, I like how they dealt with Taku falling for a guy. Taku said he wasn’t interested in the same gender from the beginning, but he didn’t say stuff like “I’m not gay, I’m straight” or something like that. He just said he is not experienced with it, and he didn’t just go for it after Towa “attacked” him and was still unsure at this point, and only later when he was sure he had romantic felling he went for it, which was quite nice. Now to for the things that I can’t get over and ruin the relationship for me. First, from the true route we learn that Taku has been lying about Towa past the whole time, (telling him his mother was a great woman) so this relationship is already based on a lie. Towa mother was not a great woman like Taku tells, she is the whole reason Towa has suffered his whole life, and while Taku may not know the everything, he knows what Towa went through but still he keeps his mouth close. There is a scene after the confession scene, where Taku wanted to say something (probably about his past) after they talked about his mother, but decides not to even after Towa asked him about it. In the end after he gets released from prison Towa asked him again and he acts like he has no idea what he is talking about and just says something else. And this brings me to the thing that annoys me the most: How Taku deals with Towa’s mental health problems, or to say it simple, he just doesn’t. The first thing I noticed when I replayed it, Taku is acting like he doesn’t know about it, even though he does. Always saying how Towa behaviour (about him drinking, smoking and sleeping with guys) “was always like this” and saying that “your heart is still dead”. Taku you know exactly how horrible his past is how can you say such stuff??? He always tells Towa how he should stop doing it, but he doesn’t think about doing something to prevent it. I know that he is worried about him but the only thing he deals with are Towas wounds. His wounds may heal but his heart doesn’t if you keep putting only bandages on him Taku. He is really bad at dealing with mental problems, his way to get over it is just not to talk about, in the hope it will go away at some point but in Towa’s case it won’t ever go away, it is destroying him slowly from the inside.

He is also overprotective of Towa in a bad way, putting a chip in Towa after getting rid of Asakuras shitty DIY wings and even going as far as TRYING TO KILL Towa and I though Rei will be the yandere after Tonno tells him he won’t let Towa go after both of the get kidnapped by Toono. I understand that he wants to protect Towa and it is indeed dangerous to let Towa do what he wants because he doesn’t care for himself, but Towa need some kind of freedom, he is not stupid. He acts like Towa is his thing and I didn’t like this part. And the last thing, that left me in a uncomfortable feeling is in the very end he says Towa causes to many problem that why you should not leave him alone, but the goal would actually be to heal Towa to a point, where he does not need help anymore but we never get to it here sadly. (and please stop with the housewife Towa look in the end it hurts my eyes)

I also don’t like the age gap of 20 years in the relationship, because I cant deal with the thought of one person dying way before and leaving the other person behind but that’s a me problem.

The first time I was not sure what to think about Taku’s route but after knowing all this stuff and replaying the route, I just can’t like this pairing sorry.

All the things above are only about Taku and Towa’s relationship, I do like Taku as a person and I enjoyed that he is like a father figure toward Towa and like a family for him. It’s really cute that he really cares for Rei too and treats him like a son better than Rei’s trash father ever could like they are a small family.

Rei

From beginning we get to know Rei as Towa’s and Taku’s best friend, who speaks like a woman and acts a little like it, we also learn that he enjoys fighting and participate in deathmatches. His route is about his struggle with the deb his father (who is a piece of trash) has and his own gender. From the second chapter we learn that Rei is a pure soul, he is a good boy that does not see the bad in human. (Compared to Towa who had a bad feeling from the start) and Rei tells us that in his past he was always mistaken for a girl.

The first time playing his route, the whole thing about his gender felt really sudden but after replaying his route, they were some hints that Rei does struggle with it. Like him telling about his past and him asking Towa what is “manly”. Rei doesn’t want his friends to get involved with his problems that’s why he tries to keep his distance, but Towa is someone he can feel at peace with. Rei’s gender struggle comes from the fact that his parents treat him as a girl when he was a child, it really messed him up because he starts thinking that he was a girl, but still got kicked out by his father after telling him he is gay. Rei hated his own gender even going as far as trying to cut off his… in front of Towa. But through his love for fighting, he realized that he wants to be a man, and after talking (and fighting for fun) with Towa he decides he will now live and act as a man.

Not gonna lie, I really like Rei for his feminine side, though I never thought of him as a woman and while it makes me a little sad that he doesn’t want to be like it, I can accept that he wants to be a man, because in the end the “fem Rei” was never real. He was forced into this feminine roll and that was not the real Rei. What I like about his character is that, while he has his love for violence, he is still a innocent and pure soul. He really cares for others and only wants his best for his friends. (He is also the person, who is looking for true love and doesn’t sleep with others for fun) Even though his father is a big shit he still wants to help his father so he doesn’t start working with child trafficking again. He knows Towa since middle school and was always interested in him, but romantically only after the whole thing with Mizuno, when Towa protected him.

What I really didn’t like the first time I played it is that, while you can really feel that Rei likes Towa, Towa doesn’t share the same strong attraction. It felt more like Towa just agreed to this relationship in the end, but replaying it, I noticed that Towa does care for him in his own way, the first time it’s difficult to say because you don’t understand Towa’s personality. Towa always agrees do help Rei if he asked him for something and he worries about him. The relationship of all the pairings starts at the end of the game so it’s always difficult to say how it works out, but Towa did have a pleasant feeling after Rei’s confession and after they slept together. I want to see more development on Towa’s side because compared to his feeling for Taku in his route it felt weaker with Rei (for me), hopefully they explore it in the drama cd.

While Rei does say some things like Taku to Towa (that I didn’t like) I can’t blame him for it because he doesn’t know Towa’s past.

Regarding Rei’s personality, I hope they don’t change to much about him, because it would be stupid to make a character and then change him after everyone already start liking him like the way he was. They changed his way of speaking (what you probably won’t notice if you don’t understand Japanese) which if fine, doesn’t bother me but if he will start saying stuff like “I can’t eat cake anymore because only woman do” …. Yeah please no. and he cut his beautiful long hair short noooo and it looks so bad please change it We have to wait and see how Rei’s change will affect him in the end, and I want to see how their relationship will develops especially on Towa’s side

Madarame

I wanted to replay everything, just to make sure I didn’t forget anything, but with Madarame’s route I just had to give um in the middle. The first time I played it I went through it without problems because I was expecting something from it, sadly it never happened, but this time it was just like playing a never-ending bad end, and I just felt so sad that I had to stop playing. And now I can confidently say, I hate everything about this route. And I did give this route a chance because I don’t like to go into a game thinking I won’t like character, I try my best to understand the story and characters, but it was no use here. I just don’t understand why such a route was needed to for a character like Towa. Knowing how much Towa was abused in the past and that he suffers from extreme mental trauma because of this makes everything worse, this route really brings out the worst of Towa’s mental health issues.

Starting from the beginning we learn that Towa and Madarame used to hang out together and Towa did feel good hanging out with him (they were not in a relationship and there were no romantic feelings which is confirmed). Towa tells us that this was in the past and that he is not this person anymore, also he tells us that he doesn’t like following orders and doesn’t like treatment from Madarame, that’s why dealing with him is hard and after understanding this himself, he wanted to keep his distance. Of course this is not in Madarame’s favour, he want his “pet” all to himself (He even said Towa need an “owner”).So he kidnaps him and tries to break Towa, to let him remember how he used to be. For this he uses violence and treats Towa like shit. We know that he knows about Towa’s abuse in his childhood and still he uses the same horrible methods as Towa’s mother did, taking away his freedom and chaining him to a place, keeping him in silence which he hates. Raping him (of course Towa let it happen because he is used to it) and slowly breaking his mind so Towa starts thinking he needs Madarame. When Towa says something against him, he got angry or just straight up beats him. Towa has no freedom in this “relationship” it only goes the way Mada want it. There is no communication it’s just a typical “alpha male” top and controlled bottom dynamic between them. It was so sad seeing how Towa went against his friends after he spent some time under Madarame’s influence.

In the beginning Towa is so desperate that he would rather die than to be with Madarame, and I don’t know why we have to think this is “romantic” or some shit like that? Its funny how they tried to include them acting like a couple in the second half of the route. Like Madarame said Towa doesn’t need a collar anymore, sure because he is now manipulated into thinking he need Madarame. I will never forgive him for the emotional and physical abuse he let Towa go through in the beginning.

Madarame himself just feels like he is not even human, this guy has no feeling and his feeling for Towa are like a feeling you have for your pet (or better to say animal? Because you would treat your pet better) and he treats him like a pet. (I’m really not a fan of the whole “your mine” “you belong to me” thinking, human are not objects, just because you decide to be with someone doesn’t mean you are their property) I understand they wanted to go for the “he lives in the present not the past and he is honest and doesn’t lie” thing but it made him feel like he has no feeling at all. Showing that he likes cats made no sense to me, because what’s the point if he treats a cat better than Towa? Did they try to make him look like he has a loveable side? Because it sure didn’t feel like it for me. Trying to make abuse ok by showing that this guy likes animals in that case it’s totally ok …yeah sure not.

He really did everything to manipulate Towa into thinking that he needs to be on “this side”, the side that always abused him, by slowly breaking Towa. Towa himself has no understanding for right or wrong, he just does what he thinks is right for him in this moment, that’s how his brain works.

Madarame says he and Towa are the same because both want violence, but I can only disagree, they couldn’t be any different Towa’s love for violence is a reflection of his abuse as a child, something that was done to him and he now thinks he needs, it’s something he does to try to cope with his trauma, his love for it is not real. While Mada on the other hand, likes it because who knows why it’s not like we ever get to learn anything about this guy because he never says anything. This guy wants nothing and is not interested in anything, I don’t get what I’m supposed to like here. The route ends with Towa and Madarame running away, leaving Towa life, his home and his friends that tried to protect him, to live their life on the streets fighting and enjoying violence, and for me this is the opposite of a good end, it’s just hurt knowing Towa is forever stuck in the circle of violence. (and blond hair really looks bad on him)

I played a lot of bl games and there is always abuse, rape and manipulation involved in almost every bl game, but this has to be the worst case of abuse I ever had to go through and this is coming from a person who likes Mink.

I may said a lot of negative stuff about Taku, but compared to Mada, Taku is an angel send from heaven Funny because Madarame says Taku is trash. The theme was to throw your past away and living in the present, but it felt more like let’s embrace the mental illness and violence.

(the only thing worth going through this hell one time is seeing Mayu, Kotarou and Towa in a suit, especially Towa looks very hot, boi)

The route had an interesting start, and they had a good backstory to write something good with all the stuff with Kaga and so one, but they did absolutely nothing with it and chose to make it about abuse, rape and manipulation, the easy way to force a “romance”(because there is no) into it, and in the year 2021 I expect just something better from it, consider how well the rest of the game is written. N+C really had to bring this rape abuse combination back, didn’t they? They got rid of some bl clichés and I’m thankful for it but we are only half through it, they still need time.

The route just felt extremely disappointing and made me feel horrible.

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ave-immaculata · 3 years ago

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will you tell us your conversion story? no pressure

Absolutely! It's pretty long, and trigger warning for some mental health issues, suicide, and sexual assault.

I think it sort of started way way back when I was 16. I'd been really struggling and had been misdiagnosed with so many mental health issues. I was medicated for these issues I didn't actually have (I'm autistic!) and I remember distinctly encountering a little voice telling me I needed to get off the meds I was taking. And well, I didn't know how to explain that and I was basically already experiencing visual hallucinations and having 20+ full panic attacks each day because of some of the meds, so it quickly devolved even further as a mess. I wasn't able to get off of them and it got bad enough I attempted suicide. I had what I refer to as a Divine Interruption where I just saw my mom coming in and finding my corpse, and it triggered a panic attack that led me to dial 911. I ended up being rushed to the hospital and they were concerned I'd have some permanent organ damage from everything I took, but thanks be to God physically I made a full recovery. I later found out that my attempt happened on the feast day of St. Jude, patron Saint of lost causes and desperate cases. There's a local parish named after him and I think someone asked for his intercession at just the right time. I was sexually assaulted not long after by one of my best friends. I remember another friend and her mom came over when I told her what happened and they helped me explain to my parents because I was really nonverbal after a bit, but the only thing I still remember saying was "What did I do wrong?? Why is God punishing me? Why does He hate me??" I had just started getting my feet under me post-hospital and then I was deeply betrayed and traumatized by someone I loved. Even though I didn't believe in God, I knew if He existed I must have been a terrible person in a past life or something to justify what was happening to me. Long story short, I ended up getting off of those medications and figuring out I was autistic (I was in a very bad scene and was cohabiting with a man way too old for me, but his son was autistic and he ended up mentioning his suspicions to me after one too many obvious childhood stories), and got really into atheism. I had a brief run in here with a home Bible study that I attended for a single night, without telling my boyfriend who was also super atheist, but I felt like I couldn't deal with Christianity while I was obviously in a situation they wouldn't approve of (premarital sex, BDSM, cohabitation, etc.) I ended up breaking up with him and moving back home, time goes on, in another relationship in the BDSM scene when that irritating desire for something crept back up. I found myself wanting to just sit in a Church's parking lot or to walk in on one that was open and sit. I didn't really, except once. I was too nervous to go in so I sat in front of a beautiful Mary statue they had out front. At some point I started considering the existence of God with an absolutely insane amount of pride. I was really stuck on the problem of evil (especially natural evil) and initially completely wrote off the Christian God. I tried praying and a lot of the time was vaguely if not outrightly disrespectful or blasphemous, especially when I got angry with God. I completely rejected the concept of Hell, was only interested in (eventually) finding a church that was LGBT+ affirming, and liked the idea of Quakerism, although I had some issues with it as well. I had a nagging in my head calling me to abandon kink and commit myself to celibacy but that was... terrifying. All of my friends except for maybe 2 were in the BDSM community. My boyfriend and I were both in it. I had introduced him to it! I worked up the strength to tell him I wanted to stop kink altogether and he totally agreed. I'd heard a liberal Christian talk about having pre-marital sex in a way that was somehow acceptable to God, but I tried that and I felt hollow inside. I felt like I was trying desperately to convince myself something was okay, that had always been okay, still was. But it wasn't, and even though he was okay with no kink he was NOT okay with no sex. I liked the idea of Mary though, and I didn't know what else to do, so I found a site that walks you through all the prayers of the Rosary on a whim (& gives you a different mini meditation on the mystery for each of the 10 Hail Marys) so I tried that. Then I did it again the next day and the next. Then after maybe a week I figured it was stupid and I should stop. I broke up with him, pandemic hit, and I was really left alone with my thoughts in a new way. I met a guy off (BDSM) Tumblr who was a professing Catholic. We messed around online for a bit but one day we had a really long phone call about religion. I told him where I was at and he just listened and supported that. He told me why he liked the Catholic Church even when I questioned him about it. I started looking into the Church's teachings and saw they were pro-life, side B, affirmed Hell, and a bunch of other things I just could never believe, so I set it aside. Then the 7th anniversary of my suicide attempt hit, which is always a harder time of year for me. The trees are all dying and I'm confronted with the memories of how horrific the hospital was, how desperate I was to escape life, how much I'd been hurting. I just felt this deep desire to try out the Catholic thing. To figure out the theological issues I had as I went. I prayed about it and signed up for RCIA pretty much a day or two after that, and from there it was... just a landslide. Once I was willing to give God an inch He gave back miles. My pride was my biggest issue through the whole thing, and like an excellent Father He just held my hand and guided me through it. I don't think Mama ever forgot those first few Rosaries I prayed. The Lord is so patient and generous and faithful. I remember one of the things that really helped me was the purpose of suffering, and specifically the idea that God suffers with us. There's a lot more to all of this, including more discernment between Eastern Orthodoxy and the Catholic Church, as well as looking into the historicity of Christ, wrestling with the concept of Infallibility, etc., but I think those are the big points of my conversion! For the record, I fully affirm all of the Church's teachings now, although some of them were easier and quicker to understand than others, but He helped me get there in the end. Also, ya girl's been completely celibate for almost an entire year! I found out that a lot of my issues had to do more with pride and vanity than with lust, but that's a whole other story.

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living-with-pmd · 3 years ago

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11 Women With PMDD Share What It's Really Like

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder is the evil cousin of PMS. They share the same types of symptoms—moodiness, increased hunger, cravings, fatigue, cramps, pain, brain fog, and depression, among others—but for PMDD sufferers, those symptoms get so bad they can cripple a woman's ability to lead a normal life.

While up to 85 percent of women get PMS, according to the US Department of Health, only about 5 percent of women experience PMDD, according to the American Journal of Psychiatry.

We asked women with PMDD what it's really like living with the disorder. Here are their stories:

"I was diagnosed with PMDD last summer. Six months prior to my diagnosis, I started taking a certain birth control and soon every month I was experiencing severe PMS issues. I am a generally happy person, but during those few days I was someone entirely different. I was extremely depressed and anxious, having much more frequent panic attacks, and was super sensitive and lonely. I was even suicidal, which was terrifying. And the worst part was I was convinced that I had always been this miserable, and that I would always be this miserable, and it was never going to change. It felt as if someone had completely burned out the light in me and all happiness and joy and hope was gone. I didn't make the connection that it was related to my period but thankfully a close friend did. I have since switched birth control, which helped a lot, and increased the dosage of my anti-anxiety and anti-depressant meds. Most importantly, I am aware of the way I feel those few days so I know to expect it, and I can logically remind myself that I will stop feeling that way soon. Looking back, I realize that I've probably always had pretty bad PMS or PMDD. The birth control worsened it but it was also causing a lot of issues I wasn't aware of previously as well." —Katherine H., 22, Edmonds, WA

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"PMDD is out of control. I cry really easily for about a week. My biggest issue is that I am convinced that I am failing at everything—being a wife, a mom, work projects, fitness, my whole life! And even though it feels so real I constantly have to question if my feelings are valid or if they are amplified by my cycle. I just set an alert in my phone to remind me to consider my hormones the next time I feel that way." —Krysten B., 32, Toronto, CA

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"A week before my period, I become a complete psycho, completely unlike myself. I'm tearful, want to eat everything that's sweet or salty, have absolutely no tolerance for anything other than perfection, and prefer to be left completely alone. I already take an antidepressant but my PMDD was a complete nightmare so my doctor gave me Prozac to take for just 10 days a month. Basically, I start it when I start to get that irrational feeling and keeping taking it until my period starts. And that's just the emotional stuff. On the physical side, I have debilitating cramps, backaches, and headaches that last for days. Yep. I'm a peach." —Kristen L., 40, Knoxville, TN

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"In the past, PMDD almost made me suicidal and totally broke my spirit. Yes it wasthat bad. Every month. Eventually I got tired of being a 'crazy PMS woman' and decided I needed to fix this. Since I don't like to take pharmaceuticals, I branched out to homeopathic remedies and I discovered St. John's Wort and essential oils, especially clary sage and Doterra Calm-Its. It's a lot better now but I still have my hard days." —Amy S., 43, Zebulon, NC

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"My PMDD got so bad I had to go to a psychiatrist and be put on Prozac along with another antidepressant I was already taking. I was a mess—anxious, crying randomly over the smallest thing, and eating everything in sight. One example is someone made a YouTube mashup of the Age of Ultron trailers with Pinocchio footage and the 'I've got no strings on me' song and that wrecked me for weeks. Every time I thought about scenes from Pinocchio I would start panicking and crying at my work desk. It's been a few years and I'm better now. I'm off birth control and weening myself off the Prozac. I notice a week before my period I will sob during any sad part in a movie or book I'm reading, and a day or two before, I notice I'm more likely to be anxious." —Kate W., 36, Alaska

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"This has impacted my ability to work effectively. My pet peeve is when people say 'it must be close to your time of the month' when they simply don't like what I'm saying. I have run into that problem a lot at previous jobs and it makes it really hard to be taken seriously. It's bullshit because my feelings are valid regardless and also PMDD is not a joke. I am so lucky now to have a male boss who understands but it wasn't always that way. I have also have found a lot of relief with naturopathic and herbal remedies." —Amalia F., 28, Vancouver, Canada

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"My PMS was tolerable until my second child was born and then everything went off the rails. I'd be looking forward to plans with others, happy, and then about 10 to 14 days before my flow would start, my mood would turn on a dime. I'd be horrible—crying, screaming that ~nobody understands~, just so much emotional pain. I'd basically lock myself up in the bedroom for a full day to cry, get angry, and feel sorry for myself. It took three doctors before I finally found one who would listen to me before I was finally diagnosed with PMDD. I took Prozac for three years for it but it made me feel numb, like a zombie and not like myself. So I quit and my family just deals with me now. As I've gotten closer to menopause the PMDD is not as bad, but can be very unpredictable due to hormonal swings from perimenopause. The worst part now is I feel like my friendships have suffered. I always seem to have episodes around major holidays and events and I end up bumming everyone out if I do show up so I end up staying home a lot." —Colleen T., 50, St. Paul, MN

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"I'm overly emotional for the week before my period. Saying that makes it sound like it's not that bad but I get so distraught that my fiance has actually scheduled it in his phone as 'blood sport' to remind himself what's coming. I'm thankful that he's patient because I also feel like everyone hates me that week, too." —Kenlie T., 36, New Orleans, LA

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"All month long I'm fine and feel even and calm and then suddenly, the week before my period, I can't handle even the tiniest little thing. My irritability goes through the roof (which is not great since I have a 5-year-old) and I feel like I have no friends. It really makes me sad." —Jessica S., 28, Broomfield, CO

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"I know my period is coming because all of a sudden all of my joints hurt, especially my knees and ankles. I also get crazy gnarly cramps and once I even had a cyst that ruptured while I was on a date and the guy had to take me to the hospital! It was so embarrassing. Thankfully my husband now is very understanding when this time rolls around each month. The worst part is people who just think I make this stuff up. Some months are better than others and sometimes the pain is completely debilitating! My emotions are also a rollercoaster. Anytime I see something cute or inspiring, I burst into tears." —Ivie C., 21, Rexburg, ID

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"My PMDD manifests in both mental and physical symptoms. From the time I got my period at age 12, I've had extreme cramps and heavy bleeding. I'd leak at school through a super maxi pad every class so I'd tie sweatshirts around my waist and have to scrub my clothes when I got home. It was super humiliating. I'd have to take six to eight ibuprofen at a time to deal with cramps, and if I didn't I'd end up on the floor sweating like I had the flu. Sometimes I'd even throw up. This meant I ended up spending a lot of time sick in bathrooms and knew where every restroom was at all times. Birth control helped manage the PMDD and other issues, but as soon as I was done having kids, I had a hysterectomy. That was the best thing I've ever done." —Mandy P., 39, Mendon, UT

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/a19972132/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder/

#premenstrual dysphoric disorder #PMDD #pmdd awareness #living with pmdd #actually pmdd #mental health awareness #mental health #women's health #pms #premenstrual syndrome #afab problems

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fiore-rosewood9 · 3 years ago

Note

♫FrUk :D

Thank you for the ask, I will send a few songs that remind me of fruk, a whole playlist if you may, not only one song. I also touch a few of triggering topics as I explain the nations's personalities and relationships with one another so I apologize in advance if I upset/trigger someone and will put my trigger here - Warning - mentions of abuse, alcoholism, s*exual trauma. Under the explanation there is a playlist of songs that make me think of Ukfr/Fruk, so if anyone gets upset you can feel free to skip my general headcanons about fruk/ukfr relationship dynamics. There are too many songs that make me think of different characters or ships but I collected the ones that make me think the most of them.

I know the original song is by Lady gaga but this version is too sweet and cheesy for me so I chose the rock cover by the group Halestorm since I prefer it, it sounds more genuine and rough and kinda makes me think of the dynamic that ukfr/fruk has, that some people present is as just the enemies to lovers trope or them just fighting which is.....simply unhealthy????? Fruk is much more than that and I wish people would stop seeing it as a two dimensional thing, yeah they do argue on a lot of things and it is not the healthiest dynamic however it does work in my mind because they stick through thin and thick and that requires effort and true love since a lot of people nowdays do not take time to know the other person, they just jump into marriage and have a few divorces and just argue over everything and then separate, fruk is an off and on thing where they break and make. This kind of dedication is hard to find in today's couples. I know they're fictional characters and no one really cares but I practice my psychology skills and my knowledge of people around me, and I sometimes see people with similar or almost the same characters as fictional characters, they may not have all of their hobbies but they do act the same way. And certain pairs, no offence, just make me want to gag my self due to history with bad and toxic fans but if I look at it subjectivly and never encountered mean fans from a certain ship, I would say that they ship simply doesn't work. No ship bashing but as far as I know, people with this kind of personality from this ship that I dislike, and get upset when seeing fan art of, simply just do not get along and had a hard time divorcing, it is not only unhealthy and unbalanced, it is downright abusive because both partners seek control and to have the upper hand and this is not...what romance is about???? It is about two people taking care of each other, understanding personal space and boundaries, lifting each other up and yeah, they will argue a lot, sometimes for small things, sometimes for bigger things, but generally the point of romantic relationships is not someone using you, or abusing you financially and generally being better or bigger than you. This breeds insecurity and jealousy in the other partner and makes them feel inadequate. Usually such problems are not talked over and one of the partners acts passive agressive which is what ultimaltly leads to said divorce. So yeah, people can go away with their (BUT IT IS CUTE, IT IS SO FUCKING CUTE) pairing because real life pairings and how humans communicate and develop friendships and relationships isn't based on what your mind conciders and doesn't concider cute and there are lots of factors on whether relationship will ever happen like common interests, type personality, etc and just block me so I will never hear from them and their childish mindset ever again, which is why I blocked certain tumbrl fan art hetalia accounts who produce art of a pairing I (dislike) lowkey hate, for historical reasons, for manga reasons, for toxic fans who bullied me and made me go on 3 hiatuses reason and ultimatly in real life experience and psychology and how humans and the human mind works and what is healthy and unhealthy reason. Why should I support something where certain people have been hateful towards me and these same people that act like these characters and I know in my life are on bad terms in real life? Why shouldn't I just move on to something more realistic and more healthy, that I have seen that works with humans I know first hand? I am not a clinical psychologist and I have no power or saying in this but I had to write thesis and read books by psycholgists and analyze them in high school and my first year of Uni, in order to pass the year and I have also read reccomended books by a psychologist I went to because I wanted an advice on how to deal with my anxiety and talking to people, because my condition is extremely severe but I honestly feel stuck and try to improve but also feel confused, I sometimes feel like I am not doing enough to

self improve as a human. I sometimes come off as too cold or overly bitter and angry without intending to, and it sucks.

Francis is a really manipulative person and Matthew picked up that from him while part of Alfred's agression doesn't only come from confidence in his own abilities but the fact that England him self is an overly agressive person and is very dominant or at least used to be for a very long time, now he is more mild to keep his gentleman persona but he does suffer from severe anger issues which he hides while Alfred is prone to breaking things and screaming, Arthur is more prone to being rude, sarcastic and generally mean before he loses it. Matthew and Francis do not engage in fight if they can avoid it which is why sometimes people call them cowardly I think? And Matthew is a bit prone to being a codependent people pleaser as far as I see and he seems to have severe anxiety issues. Francis albeit charismatic and beautiful, is deep down in his core lonely.

I think that part of his pervertedness, shocking people with his s*xual humour and all of this sex obsession comes from trauma in his childhood and dressing like a girl. I wouldn't explain what the trauma in question was since it is not canon but I do headcanon that he had s*xual trauma and it is partly why Hungary dressed like a guy. I don't know if this is legit, it is bias from reading too much japanese fan comics relating to hetalia or just general history of humans and how they treated consent and what is moral today, wasn't amoral or against the law a few centuries ago, but I have seen artists touch on it. I think both Arthur and Francis suffer from neglect and they weren't particularly good fathers, in fact no country is, the whole FACE family is dysfunctional and while I love all of them, I kinda pity them. I think Rome was a bit discriminatory mostly towards France and never towards his other children while Arthur had to constantly prove him self and was bullied by his brothers. While other nations have suffered from trauma too (I headcanon that Prussia was burnt on stake and people threw rocks at him due to his albinism and being left handed) something similar happened to Arthur, who I headcanon that he was burnt for being a witch and Francis went a few times through the guillotine, or Arthur still having a bullet scar on his arm from the American revolution or Francis having nightmares from that day where Jeanne was burnt and waking up in his own sweat. Arthur also must suffer from workholism and alcoholism, judging by how much he works and goes to pubs to drink. Everyone chooses their own poison and how to cope with life and many use unhealthy coping mechanisms, hell, even I used unhealthy coping mechanisms a lot in the past and I am not proud of them, in fact, I try to improve.

I can talk about their history and how it relates to their mental health and what scars they have for hours but I would bore you. You came for a song and I am probably boring you so I apologize for writting a lot of words, in advance. I basically think that fruk/ukfr is the ultimate ship for many reasons because they click, I do ship spuk/engita/asakiku and many other things but fruk/ukfr is kinda like butter and bread, it is a great combination. I never said it is 100 percent healthy, however their relationship makes psychological sense and their personalities click. I know people like to present arthur as this dumb tsundere man that blushes and says baka, or he is this garbage rat dad that no one likes or francis is presented or at least used to be this perverted sex machine that touched other countries inappropriatly or at least the 2012-2015 fans saw him this way and while he still has the reputation of a pervert, what many young people in the fandom see as disgusting, I just see as an overly lonely man that just happens to have high libido and copes with it by having casual sex and just has a sex humour, the same way some people have fart jokes humour or darker, more cursed humour, I am really glad that fans mostly left off this whole - Francis is a r**ist and will grope you, in the past, because honestly r**e is not joke and as a character he clearly understands consent and boundaries and I don't think someone like him would do such a thing. Also Greece and Turkey have even higher libido than him and sleep around more, yet he is the ''pervert'', I don't get it??????????? but fruk is just so much more than opposites attract, they have a lot in common so I can't say they're full opposites, no one is truly. I have heard people ask why does anyone ship fruk when it is just opposites attract/enemies to lovers trope and I am honestly confused, because that is extremely rough generalization to say the least, it is like saying - All men/women are the same, it is simply wrong/uncorrect. I think they ''married'' five times - The Treaty of Paris (1657) formed an alliance against Spain. The Anglo-French Alliance (1716–31) formed another alliance against Spain. The Anglo-French blockade of the Río de la Plata (1845-1850). The Anglo-French joint invasion of Qing Dynasty (1856–1860). And the last one which is their official marriage The Entente Cordiale (1904) fought together in both World Wars. As far as I remember Francis tried to marry Arthur but he refused and why he refused is up for subjective opinion but I must write a whole thesis on why Fruk/ukfr works so well and people are not here for that, they're here for the music and I will provide. I also always saw Francis as the more gentle and more submissive partner, I just love to see him drawn in frilly beautiful dresses with bows and stuff and Arthur as the more dominant, I mean as a country he was a powerhouse during the 1600s-1800s and used to be a punkrocker, usually rockers are mentally tough and that man is extremely cunning and witty so...people drawing him as this useless baka uwu overly feminine anorexic boy that looks more like a tween rather than a 23 year old guy just assasinated his character in my opinion and it disturbs me but I am just some awkward human on the internet and no one values my opinion anyway because this is the internet and many people nowdays love to have hot takes and try to gain followers through clickbait stuff which sometimes goes out of control and everything just seems more fake and shallow to me, the more old I get.Okay that was my silly rant no one asked about but I feel really passionate about hetalia and Fruk/Ukfr. Anyway, I apologize again for my long rant and going all over the place, please enjoy this playlist

PLAYLIST WITH SONGS THAT REMIND ME OF FRUK/UKFR

1 - Halestorm - Bad romance - rock cover https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ll4NJs3NBIU

2 - Queen - Somebody to love - lyrics https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zj69iA_goIk

3 - ABBA - Voulez vous - (I know everyone chooses Waterloo and while waterloo is a fruk theme, I think Voulez vous works too) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwcgMVXuBJc

4 - London beat - I've been thinking about you - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixBryyQSrD8

5 - Santana - Smooth - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Whgn_iE5uc

6 - George Michael - Careless whisper - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izGwDsrQ1eQ

7 - Robbie Williams - Feel - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iy4mXZN1Zzk

8 - Michael Buble - Feeling good - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Edwsf-8F3sI

9 - Edith Piaf - La vie en rose - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFzViYkZAz4

10 - Chopin - Marriage d'amour (Spring waltz) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFJ7kDva7JE

11 - Vanessa Carlton - A thousand miles - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERw2LuU6Jj8

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duhragonball · 3 years ago

Text

Battle Tendency Liveblog: JJBA Ch. 65-66

This is the start of the “Ultimate Warriors from Ancient Times” arc, but I want to focus on these two chapters because they feature Mark. I’ve got a lot to say about Mark under the cut, but the short version is that he’s a lousy Nazi and he deserves everything that happens to him.

A large chunk of Chapter 65 is just Caesar hanging out in Joseph and Speedwagon’s hotel room. They try to play cards, but they’re both cheats. This wouldn’t bother me at all until Speedwagon points out that he’s been here for eight hours, and never bothered to explain why. You’d think Joseph would have demanded an answer a long time ago, since he’s not known for patience.

As it turns out, Caesar’s been waiting for Mark, a buddy of his in the German Army. Stroheim was in the German Army too, and he told Joseph that the Nazis had discovered three other Pillar Men in Rome. That’s why he and Speedwagon came here, after all. Well, Caesar’s an Italian, and Italy and Germany are allies, so Caesar managed to persuade the Germans (through Mark) to let him take a look at the Pillar Men. So in this chapter, Mark rolls up in a car and drives them over to the site.

But we already know what happened at the site in Chapter 64. The Pillar Men have already reawakened, and all the Nazi soldiers stationed there have been slaughtered. When Mark leads our heroes into the catacombs, they find the remains of the Germans, while Mark bumps into the Pillar Men themselves. (Note: the above image is not to scale).

The thing is, bumping into the Pillar Men is hazardous to your health. We saw that vampire grab Santana and large chunks of his body were completely absorbed. The same thing happens to Mark, only faster, because Wamuu doesn’t even slow down as he walks past him. He just walks right through Mark and half of his body is gone.

So when I first watched the JoJo anime, it was right after I watched the Hellsing Ultimate anime, and I got a kick out of seeing two completely different anime takes on vampire lore. Let’s face it, the Pillar Men are presented as something beyond mere vampires, but they’re basically just super-vampires, not so different from Alucard in Hellsing. And both make use of the Nazis, except in Hellsing, the Nazis are the villains, while in Battle Tendency, they’re kinda sorta allies. Stroheim is clearly a bad guy, because he killed his prisoners and tormented Speedwagon, but Mark is presented as a completely sympathetic person. He’s got a sweetheart back home, Caesar’s the one who introduced them, and he’s planning to get married the next time he goes back to Germany. And for his very brief appearance in JJBA, he’s completely friendly and helpful to the heroes. We’re supposed to feel very sorry for him when he gets killed here.

Part 2 is my favorite, but I think this stands out as it’s biggest flaw. I get the idea. Hellsing was dealing with a lot of dark themes, and the protagonists were horrifying in their own right. So Kouta Hirano used the Nazis as villains to humanize his vampire characters. By contrast, Hirohiko Araki seems to be using the Nazis to dehumanize the Pillar Men. They’re so evil that even the Nazis look halfway decent by comparison. At least the Nazis are human, with human loves and fears and honor. The Pillar Men kill Mark without even noticing him, and Speedwagon likens this to a human stepping on an ant. I get what Araki is trying to do here, but it rings hollow. Fuck Mark, and fuck his Nazi fiance. The first time we see him, we get a close up of his Iron Cross medal, with the damn swastika in the middle of it. We’re supposed to buy into the idea that he’s “one of the good Germans”, and it’s 1938, so World War II hasn’t officially started yet, so somehow Mark is supposed to be cool. But no, I don’t buy it.

Let me go off on a little sidebar and try to explain how we got here. Battle Tendency was published in 1988. Back then, Hitler had been dead for decades, and Germany had been partitioned into two countries, East and West Germany. The Nazis seemed to have been consigned to the dustbin of history, and as time passed, pop culture grew more comfortable using the Nazis as historical villains in stories like this one. There was a sense that yeah, the Nazis were really bad, but they were gone now, and they would never come back. I think there was a similar mentality surrounding the Soviet Union after the U.S.S.R. dissolved. By the 2000′s there were all sorts of internet memes about Nazi stuff and Soviet stuff and it was rationalized as harmless envelope-pushing.

The problem is, it doesn’t seem so harmless in 2021, when Russia is a autocracy that meddles in U.S. elections, emboldening white nationalists in the process. The “alt-right” fanatics who marched in Charlottesville in 2017? The rioters who stormed the Capitol building this past January? Those assholes probably wouldn’t call themselves Nazis, but neither did the Nazis. They called themselves “National Socialists”, because they were trying to make their ugly policies sound more legitimate. The same holds true for “alt-right”, “economic nationalist”, “Qanon”, “truther”, and so on. They’re just new labels for the same old horseshit.

I don’t want to judge Battle Tendency too harshly, because it’s the product of a different time, an era when people could at least pretend that Nazism was one of the few problems that we didn’t have to worry about any more. The same mentality can be found in Hellsing. The Nazis in Hellsing are definitely villains, but the conceit is that they’re all immortal vampires or werewolves, because that’s the only way the Nazi menace could possibly exist in 1999. Otherwise, they’d all be dead of old age. Battle Tendency is set in 1938, so it takes the liberty of presenting sympathetic Nazis, because we already know they’ll be defeated in the end, right? We might as well see what makes them tick.

Araki may have thought that using Nazis in a story set in the 1930s would be no different than using Napoleonic French soldiers in a story set in the 1800s. And in the long run, that might be true, but I don’t think we’re there yet. In the here and now, it’s aged rather poorly.

Of course, just because Caesar and Joseph feel bad for Mark doesn’t mean I have to. And Araki may have been more self-aware than I’m giving him credit for. Nazi Germany wanted to set itself up as the Master Race, and in this fictional world, the Pillar Men have come to do the same thing, only they’re much, much further ahead of the game. I think part of the point of Stroheim and Mark was to contrast the Nazis’ supreamcist attitudes with Kars’ ambitions. For all of Stroheim’s boasting, he’s helpless against Kars’ might. But at the same time, for all of Kars’ power and brilliance, he’s ultimately chasing the same pipe dream as Hilter and his followers.

Let’s get back on track. While the good guys react in horror at what happened to Mark, the Pillar Men just stand around nearby and discuss their situation. They completely ignore our heroes, just like they ignored Mark. Kars wants to locate the Red Stone of Aja, because it’s the secret ingredient to the mask he designed that will make them immune to sunlight. Esidisi doesn’t understand how the stone helps their plan, but he’s totally on board. But as they head out, Wamuu suddenly attacks Kars, because Kars stepped in his shadow, and apparently Wamuu just lashes out at anyone who does this, friend or foe.

Wamuu is deeply sorry for this, and begs to be punished, but Kars apologizes instead, because he knows about Wamuu’s whole shadow thing and he feels that he’s the one who made the mistake here. I really love this exchange, because it defines the Pillar Men so well. As indifferent as they are to human lives, they respect one another a great deal. Kars is the leader, but he still treats the other two guys like close associates. He needs Wamuu’s sharp senses and keen warrior instincts. Meanwhile, Wamuu and Eisidisi practically worship Kars like a god. They’ve literally followed him around the world and across thousands of years in pursuit of his vision.

So yeah, if the goal here was to use Mark’s suffering to make me hate the Pillar Men, it doesn’t work. The Pillar Men are evil, sure, but they’re pretty cool bad guys. On the other hand, Mark looks ridiculous here, with Caesar holding and talking to half of his body. This looks like something out of a Tex Avery cartoon.

I mean, let’s set aside the whole Nazi thing for a moment. Why should I feel sorry for Mark? Because he’s in pain? He got cut in half! He should have died instantly! Because he was going to get married? We only met this guy one chapter ago! Because he’s Caesar’s friend? Well Caesar’s kind of a jerk too.

Anyway, Mark begs Caesar to kill him and end his suffering, so Caesar uses the Ripple to stop his heart. Or the half of it that’s still there, I guess.

Okay, so the whole point of Mark’s death is to really get the good guys fired up to battle the Pillar Men, right? Okay, Caesar tries to take them on, and he opens with the Bubble Launcher, the same move he talked about earlier. It didn’t beat Joseph, but Caesar’s Hamon power does hurt Wamuu’s skin, which is more than Joseph managed to do against Santana.

The Bubble Launcher is supposed to surround the opponent with dozens of soap bubbles charged with Hamon energy. Wamuu can’t escape without touching them and getting hurt. But Wamuu just sprouts all these long braids from his head and clothes, and swings them around with superhuman precision to know the bubbles away without hurting himself.

As it turns out, these Pillar Men are familiar with Hamon. Santana was surprised to encounter Joseph Joestar’s powers, but Wamuu and the others have fought Ripple users in the past. And Wamuu’s more intrigued than worried...

Oh, as one final aside, on the car ride to the catacombs, Speedwagon asked Caesar if he tried to use the Ripple to destroy the Pillar Men before they woke up, and Caesar explains that it didn’t work while they were in their dormant state. Remember, at the very start of this story, Speedwagon called Straizo because he wanted someone to use the Ripple to destroy Santana before he could wake up. Now we see that even if Straizo had agreed to his request, it wouldn’t have done any good. Sunlight doesn’t seem to kill the Pillar Men so much as it makes them turn to stone, and the Ripple only hurts them while they’re flesh and blood. So the only way to kill them seems to be by using Hamon in a direct confrontation, and that’s a tall order...

#jojo's bizarre adventure #battle tendency #joseph joestar #caesar zeppeli #robert e o speedwagon #mark #wamuu #kars #esidisi #get wrecked mark

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maybedefinitely404 · 4 years ago

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Day 5: Logicality

@tsshipmonth2020

Day 5 - Any intense emotions your soulmate feels you will also experience.

Content Warning: strong emotion (duh), yelling, food mentions (one line).

Word count: 1.8k

He remembered back in high school, when things had gotten rough for him. Not that they had a reason to. Virgil had told him countless times that it was okay that he didn’t have a reason, he was allowed to feel sad just because, but his childhood friend’s words meant nothing during the times he was curled up on his bed at three am with a black hole in his chest, quietly sobbing apologies to the soulmate that could certainly feel his sadness as intensely as he did. If it was just him suffering, it wouldn’t have been so bad.

When university began, and his mental health began to improve, Patton was giddy. It took him a few months to adjust to missing his family, getting used to the crowded dorms, and the increased pressure of classes. Except now the classes were about things he really enjoyed, clearly pushing him forward in his Psychology career, and the people were so much nicer than in highschool. Bullies didn’t really… exist in college, not the way they did back there, and he found himself flourishing.

But now, no longer constantly focused on his mental health and that alone, a part of him, deep inside, was a little bit worried that he didn’t even have a soulmate. He never really felt the strong emotions his friends claimed to feel, emotions clearly detached from them but oh so real. Virgil was privy to spurts of pure courage, almost ecstasy, that would have him jumping off his bed to pace on the floor with a huge grin stretched across his face, trying to dispel the energy. Janus, a friend he made in one of his psych classes, sometimes talked about the negative emotions he got from his soulmate, the surges of hatred and bitterness that made him curl his slender fingers around the nearest object until it snapped or his fingers cramped up. The borrowed emotion, both good and bad, were something Patton hadn’t experienced yet, and the implications of that frightened him. He wanted a soulmate so badly… he would be crushed if he didn’t have one.

These were the thoughts rushing through his mind as the three of them walked into Philosophy 109, Virgil and Janus having an animated conversation about last classes homework. Something about Karl Marx; he wasn’t sure what they were torn about, exactly. He always had a tough time listening in this class, not due to the content of the lectures, but just because something about the prof set him on edge. Virgil offered that ‘his voice is kind of irritating’ and Janus pitched in that ‘his slides are always sloppy’, but none of that was quite… it. It wasn’t anything he could put a finger on, but just walking into the classroom had him stewing slightly.

Just as Janus was seemingly reaching the peak of his arguments, hands waving wildly, Virgil dug his elbow into Patton’s ribs.

“Hey, did you want to get dinner after class or wait until before English?”

The elbow in his side hurt, and before he realized what he was doing, Patton had shoved Virgil off of him. The shorter man stumbled, nearly knocking into the professor that had just walked into the room before catching his balance. His brows furrowed.

“Dude, you good?”

Patton’s eyes widened, almost comically, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I don’t know where that came from. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Virgil glanced at Janus, who merely shrugged, “Class is about to start.” He gestured meekly at their usual table and they sat, Patton taking the aisle spot before Janus could. Another look was shared between the other two. Patton was usually overly eager to sit in the middle, giggling at Virgil’s snarky notes and stealing Janus’ snacks, but right now he felt on edge. Defensive. Angry.

Huh- that was new.

His leg shook under the table as the professor greeted the class, nearly knocking Virgil’s travel mug off the table if it weren’t for his quick reflexes. He was running frantically through his mind, trying to find the trigger that had caused his anger. The day so far had been nothing unusual; morning classes and lunch at the cafeteria (grilled cheese, heck yeah), study session with the dorm in the lawn outside his building. Nothing had gone wrong, and even if this prof wasn’t his favorite, it wasn’t anything he couldn't get over so why-

Oh.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, it occurred to him that these weren’t his feelings. This wasn’t him. And that thought alone should have snapped him out of it, should have made him jump up and dance on the table because oh my goodness he actually has a soulmate, his worries were for nothing!

Except he couldn’t. Virgil’s concerned glances were increasing in frequency as his pen dug into his paper, trying his hardest to concentrate on the lecture over the raging blood in his ears. His teeth hurt, and he realized he was clenching his jaw hard enough to bite through rock. His leg still jittered, his notes were becoming more sloppy, and for the love of god, if this prof doesn’t stop talking I’m going to-

“WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY?”

At first, Patton thought he was the one who said it. His note paper had been ripped from his notebook, crumpled beneath his fist, and Virgil and Janus sure both looked shocked enough. But then the voice continued, coming from the back of the class.

“You’re a terrible professor, are you aware of that?! Did you get your teaching degree from a fucking Dollar Store?! I’m surprised you graduated middle school, you half-witted, socially insensitive, entitled, piece of-”

“Mr. Starr, out of my classroom! Now!” The prof bellowed, causing Virgil to shrink into his hoodie. The man flew past the three of them, slamming the door behind him. Patton didn’t even realize he was following him, water bottle in hand, until the prof tried to call him back to his seat, which he ignored.

That was his soulmate, he was sure of it.

By the time he was standing in the empty hallway, his rage had started to calm down. His hand was starting to unfurl, leaving red crescents in his palms from his nails, but he could still feel the simmering anger rolling and lapping at his insides. Curling around his stomach, pushing at his heart, twisting in his fingertips like a flag in a gentle wind.

A slam down the hallway reminded Patton of what he’d set out to do, and he took off after the sound, hoping and praying that he wouldn’t lose the man he was chasing. After that freak-out, he wouldn’t be surprised if the man dropped the class, since he obviously hated the prof so much. And he didn’t get a good enough look at him, so if he lost him now, who’s to say when he would find him again?

Patton exited the building, assuming this was the door he’d heard a moment ago, panting slightly. He surveyed the parking lot desperately, the lawn surrounding the building, the walkways leading across the campus like vines, and… yes! There he was, standing against one of the trees, head tucked to his chest, hands shoved into his pockets almost aggressively.

This is stupid, what are you even going to say? He pondered as he crossed the grass quickly, sizing up the man in front of him. Black button up, blue jeans, hair pushed out of his face, and Patton was reminded of just how gay he was. This man was gorgeous, in an I-could-kill-you kind of way.

He didn’t acknowledge Patton as he approached, but he could see the man watching him out of the corner of his eye suspiciously. Wordlessly, Patton handed him the bottle of water, trying to hide a smile when he took it hesitantly, popping the top off and taking a sip.

“Thank you.”

“No problem,” Patton squeaked, taking it back when he was done.

“I didn’t expect anyone to follow me.”

“Well…” He gestured to himself lightly, giggling, “I’m here.”

The man stood his ground, seemingly uncomfortable with the attention, “You don’t have to stay. I wouldn’t want you to fall behind.”

“Nonsense!” Patton grinned, “I’ll just steal a friend’s notes. Plus, I’m sure you need someone to talk to.”

“I don’t want to bother you-”

“I’m not bothered! I’m serious. Sit down.” Patton gestured at the ground, flopping down onto the lawn. He looked at him warily, like he was weighing the pros and cons in his head, before joining him, leaning against the tree.

“I’m Patton, by the way.”

“Logan.”

“Nice to meet ya, Logan! So, why d'ya scream at Jacobson like that?” He said it lightly, but he didn’t miss the slight wince from the other.

“I’m sorry you had to see that. I’m not generally one to lose my temper. It’s just…” He looked like he wanted to apologize more, stop talking, like he was being a nuisance. Patton gave him what he hoped was a reassuring smile and a nod, which seemed to be enough to spur the other on.

“I can’t stand him. He injects his own philosophies and values into the concepts we’re studying, and it muddles the main ideologies to the point where it’s hardly about the original topic anymore. It’s as if he’s teaching a course on himself.”

“Why don’t you just drop it?” He hadn’t meant it to sound so cutting, but if Logan was bothered, he didn’t show it in the small shake of his head.

“I need the credit. And by the time I realized how flawed his lessons are, it was past the drop date. I didn’t have time to fill out the paperwork, so I figured I’d muscle through it.”

“Well… it is half way through the semester, so you did pretty good.”

He murmured something under his breath that Patton didn’t catch, something that sounded suspiciously like ‘not good enough’, before looking up to meet Patton’s eyes for the first time. Boy oh boy, if Patton hadn’t been able to breathe before, he was fairly certain he would die at this point.

“Why did you follow me?”

It was at that point that it occurred to Patton: he had no proof. Sure, the rise and peak of his mysterious anger coincided perfectly with Logan’s outburst, but if their interaction so far was anything to go by, this guy wouldn’t fully trust something that wasn’t one hundred percent factual. Claiming to be his soulmate might just scare him away, and for all that was good and holy, Patton didn’t want that to happen. So… he’d waited nineteen years to meet his soulmate, he could take it slow. Bring up his history with depression, the emotions that Logan must have felt at the same time, and maybe, hopefully, let him come to his own conclusions. He wasn’t in a rush.

“I just thought you might want a friend.”

#lywrites #tsshipmonth2020 #sanders sides #logicality #patton sanders #logan sanders #janus sanders #virgil sanders #sanders sides fanfiction #sanderssides #ts soulmate au

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danideservedbetter · 3 years ago

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Alright so, here’s how things are gonna work.

First off, welcome to this side blog. Since it won’t be jolly fun fandom content and will be a little more personal I decided to separate my health and writing journey from my fandom stuff, although all my fandom content will still be linked on my main blog here.

(I write Izuocha/bnha content which isn’t super popular so if you’re not here for that then yeah, I don’t blame you. But if you are I have a link to our discord and community content pinned so def check it out if you’re interested.)

Secondly, you guys will hear details about stuff relating to my health like what kinds of things affect my disorder based on the tests some doctors are ordering, how I’m trying to improve my diet and activity, and routines and goals I’m attempting for myself. I am underweight, and that’s something I’m going to be talking a bit about, so if that’s triggering following this blog might not be the best thing for you. Details under the cut.

So, what kind of disorder do I have and why did I decide to make a health journey blog? My disorder is called idiopathic hypersomnia. Basically what that means is that when my disorder is acting up (based on factors like stress especially or my generalized anxiety rearing its ugly head) I have the capacity to sleep. And sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep. My longest recorded uninterrupted “sleep-attack” was 26 hours long and ever since I caught Covid in January, my body had been slowly growing weaker to the point I was starting to develop atrophy. I’ve had this ten years and my neurologist suspects inactive cells from mononucleosis I caught at 14 was the cause, because other IH patients have linked their sleeping problems to a case of mono or have had it at some point in their lives.

This disease stole many years and many things I’ve looked forward to from me. I lost friends and experiences and failed so many college classes I had to drop out.

I’ve decided I’m taking them back.

It’s not going to be easy. Just as it took ten years to convince myself that my tiredness was something I chose to give into, it took several extra years and many fights with my family to convince them that I had a real actual neurological disorder and that I need help sometimes. My parents and grandmother finally understand that I have to finish college and find a very special boss willing to work around my erratic progress on projects, but the outsiders they married are not as convinced. My grandmother’s husband kicked me out of their house because he wants to be the center of attention and doesn’t like that some days I’m so weak that I needed my grandmother’s help, and my father’s wife thinks I’m a lazy and ungrateful leech who “gets anxiety just being around” me. Both told my father I’ll never be happy so why even bother with me, but my dad is actually striving to understand his own recently-diagnosed PTSD so while we still butt heads he’s understanding that I have to take things day by day because every tiny circumstance affects my disorder.

Now, why did I decide to air all this out? Well, being open about my disorder and how it affects me has helped at least two people that I know of find out that the tiredness they experience isn’t the typical “American work force exhaustion” they were trained to believe is normal. So if I can help even one more, I’ll gladly talk about what this entails and how I deal with it day to day. Another reason is that I’m also one of those big advocates who believes talking candidly about mental health destigmatizes it and sharing ideas can help us grow as people and maybe make it a little easier to deal with.

So now that you know a little bit about me and my disorder, here are my big goals for the next three months provided my university takes pity on me and actually lets me go back.

First up: create routines to train my body to get used to living a full day fully awake. This includes waking up at the same time and going to sleep at the same time. It means getting dressed and going out and doing things, even little things— which I’ll get to in a sec.

Second: I write. I have a novel in limbo and I write fanfics. Writing is a big part of who I am and I’ve written one thing this year, which for a whole six-month stretch is upsetting and disappointing. Today is my reset. In the next 569 days I want to to finish the six stories I have in limbo (except the larger one) and finally reach my goal of posting 200k words in a single year. I wont be hard on myself if I can’t accomplish this because honestly finishing anything in the chaos of my life is going to be a miracle but. There ya go.

Third: go back to freakin college. I don’t care what it takes. Sit down with every official, every lawyer, and every professor it takes to get me back enrolled in classes in the fall.

Fourth: I have several smaller things I have to do, short term goals, stuff like that. I’m gonna create a to do list each day of small tasks I want to get done and while some of these things will be part of my daily routine I am throwing in like one or two things a day that just need to be done. My writing goal will change daily and I’ll keep y’all updated on that with every post I make.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Dani! That’s so much!! Well, a few months ago I remembered hey!! I basically have a computer in my hand, why make it hard on myself. So I downloaded certain apps to help me out. This isn’t me saying “hey go subscribe to these apps because I said so” it’s just that through a lot of trial and error I’ve come to find that these certain apps work for me and I’ve yet to come across one that has the functionality of everything I need.

Tiimo — so this is an app I found developed by people with autism for people with autism to help them develop good habits and routines. It has preset daily schedules (things like morning routines or nightly routines or work routines) and an internal alarm to let you know when to move on to the next task. I myself have extremely low-level aspergers (to the point where my doctor won’t give me an official diagnosis because I didn’t want people think that *it’s* the reason I have issues with school), so moving from task to task can be difficult sometimes and I also deal with getting distracted. This widget also appears on my home screen so I know what I have to do at a glance. You can program in weekly and daily tasks to fully customize your schedule, which is fantastic for someone like me who wants to for example rotate chores. This is hopefully going to help me get my body in the habit of adjusting to routines and transitioning from one task to another, as well as getting important things done responsibly.

Promptly Journals — I’ve been told for a while that journaling is helpful mentally to kind of recenter yourself, so a bit ago I downloaded several journal apps to add to my morning routine. Now some will prefer more creatively free journals, but I prefer this one that gives me small prompts I can do in a short amount of time that just allows me to get my thoughts down. I can even add pictures at the bottom that go with the theme! I’m scared I’ll run out of prompts eventually lol but until then this app works very well for my needs.

Stretchingexercise — Now idk if it’s from lack of sleep from my disorder, the position I sleep in when I do sleep, all the physical labor I’ve had to do in the past couple weeks, my medicine, or w h a t but I suffer from body aches like no one would believe. I know stretching is supposed to help with that, so I downloaded this app to help me do non-demanding physical activity that wakes me up in the mornings and helps relieve pain so I don’t keep having to take pain relievers. This one has different plans for things like muscle tension, back pain, warm ups— and it also gives you rudimentary weight updates (I’m underweight lololol so we’re looking to fix that) or plan updates. It’s worked really well for me so far and gives you animations and descriptions of the workouts (some taken from yoga) as well as timed breaks and a narrated guide. It’s been pretty helpful in temporary relief and if nothing else gets my blood flowing in the mornings.

Widgetsmith Step counter — in addition to the stretching thing one thing my doctor and I discussed that helps with the sedentary lifestyle is simply walking. I’ve needed so bad to relieve my stamina and reverse the atrophy, and walks have been stellar for that. Now I live in the New Orleans area so humidity and heat force me to go at the crack of Dawn, but honestly my weenie dachshund Charlie really enjoys our time out so he goes with me! The CDC recommends 10,000 steps a day which seems like a lot and it is if you don’t get out much. But this gives me an excuse to get dressed and do the hygienic thing and help Charlie be healthy too, as well as give me time for brainstorming because we walk in a truly beautiful area. I’m sure everyone installed widgetsmith with the last iOS update (Apple users anyway) and while at first the step counter was just interesting I’ve since come to rely on it! We do our 5000 in the morning, which of course is half, and I find that other things I do throughout the day typically drive the counter higher. Anything leftover can easily be accomplished by an evening walk in our neighborhood. Now the caveat is that I have to remote have my phone in my pocket because I don’t own a watch or anything fancy lol, but honestly I need to keep it on me anyway so that serves as a good reminder.

Todoist — this one is my FAVORITE. Ever since I’ve decided that I have trouble keeping track of things I need to do and small stuff I need to keep in mind and appointments, etc, I decided to find a list app. This is the one I found that absolutely helps me for everything from my list of room supplies I need to buy, to my reading list, to general tasks I have coming up I need to complete. And its widget functionality keeps it right on my Home Screen! More organized individuals can just use tiimo, but I’m definitely not one of those individuals so this app is sorely needed and appreciated.

And of course, I know building habits the first few weeks is HARD. So for days my body doesn’t respond to my alarms, I have a checklist of the key things I have to do to keep my life as functional as possible.

So that’s that on that. I’m going to try to keep writing updates and my daily goals in a post in the morning, and reblog what I accomplished in the evening. It’s gonna be tough. But I’m thinking if I can start small I’ll be able to build my stamina enough to return to college and be successful when I do. I hope that anyone watching this journey draws some kind of meaning or inspiration from it. And you guys can even follow along if y’all want! Especially for writers or people trying to get healthier. I can’t promise what works for me will work for you (and honestly I expect things to change especially if I get accepted into college again) but hey, I figure it’s worth a shot.

I hope you guys enjoy watching this journey, if nothing else I hope it’s entertaining. And maybe it’ll be successful. I do know that I’m just gonna try for it, and hope it works out.

First daily update to follow

Xoxo

Dani

#idiopathic hypersomnia #health and wellness #writing challenge

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readyplayerhobi · 5 years ago

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Flower | 18

; Hoseok x Reader

; Genre: Angst, fluff

; Word Count: 3.4k

; Warnings: Description of depression, use of antidepressants, side effects of antidepressants

; Synopsis: You finally decide to take a dip into the world of online dating and find the Flower dating app. One of the top matches for you proves to be a guy who looks to be your complete opposite; tattooed, pierced, a metalhead and oh…incredibly handsome. What happens when you throw caution to the wind and reach out to him?

; A/N: Again, this chapter might not be the one for anyone who has struggled with depression, anxiety etc. It’s not as intense as the last chapter but it deals more with the ‘after effects’ of taking anti-depressant medication and stuff! I swear the next chapter is happier haha

; Flower Masterpost

A noise in your apartment jolts you from your sleep, body twitching as the sound finally filters in to your sluggish brain. Blinking, you try to focus your eyes only to see that your bedroom is dark. You have no idea what time it is, but given the curtains aren’t closed and the sky is black, you presume it’s either evening or night.

You’d fallen asleep sometime around 2pm, giving way to the severe lethargy and drowsiness that had clouded your mind and deadened your limbs. And now you were so nice and warm beneath your covers, comfortable without any intention of getting out of bed.

It was even nicer as you were on Hoseok’s side of the bed, which was an amusing concept given just over eight months ago you’d never even considered sharing your bed with anyone else. But now it was just...it was his side.

Normally you’d feel weird about sleeping there, but today you’d happily nuzzled into his pillow while pulling the covers tighter around yourself. It smelled like him, the sheets and pillow cases saturated in the unmistakable scent of your beloved boyfriend, so familiar and soothing to you. Given he hadn't been here, you’d consoled yourself instead with that one bit of comfort.

But now you’d been woken up and you had no idea why. Maybe Kasumi had knocked something over.

Curling up tighter, you closed your eyes and buried your face into the soft pillow some more. It probably wasn’t anything important and she hadn’t come running in fright so you doubted it was anything really big.

You don’t even realise you’ve dozed off again until you feel the bed dip backwards, your body rolling slightly to follow the movement and you groan quietly, body unwilling to get up. Shifting slightly, you wince as you open your eyes and realise that the lamp on your bedside table is now turned on, the small bedroom illuminated.

Hoseok had encouraged you to finally move the furniture around in the little space, allowing the bed to be moved until he could actually get into it without having to crawl in alongside you. While he hadn’t minded being next to the wall, you understood why he’d wanted to be able to get out with ease. He did get up before you after all.

But right now though, Hoseok was watching you with a careful frown painted on his pretty face. The dim lighting from the energy saving lightbulb you used painted him in a subtle golden glow and you gave a soft smile as you note how strands of his hair have a brown tinge. They’re messy overall though and you realise he's probably been running his fingers through them.

He’s been doing that more often lately.

After managing to pull yourself out of the panic attack that you’d suffered at work and talking it through with Hoseok, you'd finally taken yourself to the doctors. It had been excruciating admitting what was wrong, how you were struggling and how your mental health had been so negatively impacting your life.

But you’d been a little surprised to discover your doctor had been fully supportive and concerned. He hadn’t made out that you were lying or were seeking attention but had instead taken you entirely seriously. After a discussion with him about how your depression and anxiety was affecting you both mentally and physically, he’d prescribed you with a course of antidepressants to begin.

For a moment, in the doctor’s office, you'd felt a little shame at having to take them but you'd pushed that thought away firmly. You knew that there was no shame in seeking help, and sometimes help had to come in the form of medication. If it would let you feel a little happier and more content with your life, then you were willing to try.

You just desperately wanted to feel more normal in your day to day life; to feel happiness without the fear of anxiety coming to ruin it all. The very idea of being able to enjoy big events or happy days without a crushing fear of the depression overload that would inevitably follow was so foreign to you, yet so exciting.

Your doctor had made it very clear to you that the medication he was prescribing wasn't a cure and that you shouldn’t consider yourself ‘cured’ by taking it. It was merely a way to stabilise your body and let your mind have a breather without your body actively working against you.

He'd also suggested that you try and get some therapy with a professional but you simply couldn't face the idea of talking through your emotions and issues to someone you didn't know.

You couldn't even talk properly to Hoseok or your best friends about it; even your parents made you clam up with anxiety. Why you felt such an incapacity to talk about yourself, you didn't know. But the very idea of it was terrifying, actually trying made your body practically seize up. You were still beyond surprised that you’d reached out to Hoseok like you had.

So you had instead accepted the medication happily, following his orders to take a half dose for the first week before upping it to the full dose of one tablet a day. A warning from him when he’d been writing out the prescription had frightened you; he'd told you that the medication might make things worse at first as your body got used to it and balanced itself out.

There was also a chance of a whole multitude of side effects. The list on the medication leaflet had been eye opening in just how many side effects you could potentially have but you’d still swallowed down that half tablet on the first day without a second thought.

You wanted to at least try and overcome your negative thoughts, to work at being happier with yourself and your life. For once, you didn't want to let them beat you. Too long you'd allowed the demons of self hatred, depression, anxiety and stress to beat at your crumbling walls until you'd slowly closed yourself off.

The board game night with Soyeon and Chungha had long been the only thing that you would allow yourself to do on a work night, any other social activities had been strictly limited to the weekend. You'd allowed all the bad habits your mind had formulated over the years to build and spread until you felt anxiety if you didn't shower at a certain time and more.

And you'd told yourself that it was okay. You liked to be alone. You liked doing things by yourself. You were independent; it didn't bother you that your friends went out and had fun, made other friends and dated freely.

You didn't mind it all because your limited lifestyle had appeased the anxiety monster that lived deep inside your head. It meant you had control over what little of your life you could actively control.

But it had been a lie. Like everything else your mind had created, it had all been a lie. You weren't happy being alone. You didn't enjoy how your mind and body had repeatedly conspired against you to keep you trapped within the walls of your apartment as soon as you left work. You despised how the clock had seemed to rule over your life, ticking loudly even if you couldn't hear it with each movement reverberating in your chest; louder, tick, faster, tock, louder, tick, faster, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, louder, faster, louderfasterlouderfasterticktockticktock.

You hadn't been strong enough to break it, hadn't had the willpower to push past the fear and the roiling anxiety that plagued you when you didn't do something by a certain time, when you went out on a weeknight. And that wasn’t even considering the extra problems that arose from your complete and utter self-hatred; your disgust at your own body and life.

The feelings of uselessness, of how pathetic and stupid you were and so forth. They weren’t true, you knew that deep down. But when those emotions and thoughts batter themselves at you for long enough, eventually you start to believe them.

Until you’d met Jung Hoseok.

He would never let you claim that he was the reason for you finally seeking proper help, truly seeking help from a professional who could monitor your situation. In turn, you didn't want to claim that he had been the sole reason either, because he wasn't. What he had done though, was that he had made you finally get the will to try and fight, to try and get better for yourself.

His support in your moment of complete weakness, when you were at your most broken and vulnerable had meant more to you than he could ever know. The patience he had kept while he dealt with your hysteria, your anxiety and stresses had let you know that it was okay to not be okay. The relief that you’d felt upon telling him what you were feeling had been overwhelming and you knew that without his support, you likely would not have reached out to the doctor.

Not only that, but you knew that getting help for yourself would be better not only for you but also your relationship with him. You weren’t stupid, you knew that you’d somehow hit the jackpot of boyfriends with him. And you wanted to make sure that you didn’t ruin that.

You wanted to spend time with him without being assailed by thoughts of negativity; the fear that he didn't actually like you, that he was doing it for a bet, that he could do better, that he was cheating. None of that was true, you knew that and it embarrassed you to know that you had those thoughts as you knew that Hoseok would be hurt to know you thought that, but it was hard to push it out of your mind once the thought buried itself deep inside.

No, you wanted to get better so that you could experience the life he offered you outside of the safe haven and prison you had made your apartment. He terrified you because he lived a life you didn't understand, and while you didnt want to become fully integrated into it...you wanted to at least enjoy what you had with him.

You wanted to not freak out about going to the movies on a Thursday night, to enjoy a meal out on a Tuesday. You just wanted to enjoy being in a relationship, with the only downsides coming from arguments about stupid things. Not because your mind has convinced you that he was going to leave.

And above all, you wanted to finally start to become happier in yourself. Get the energy to finally go to the gym like you’d always wanted to but had been so afraid of the looks and comments you might get. You didn’t exactly want to get to a certain shape, but you knew that you wanted to have a healthy body to go with a healthy mind.

Those things went hand in hand right?

So here you were, six days into the antidepressants. And you were so, so ill.

You could hardly eat, your stomach so bloated it felt like you'd swallowed a balloon most of the time. It was tender to the touch too, and you'd vomited frequently because of the rolling nausea that came and went as it pleased. And that was nothing compared to what came out the other end unfortunately, as horrifically gross as it was to say.

Headaches that felt like you were being hit in the head with a pick axe made you whimper even when you weren’t doing anything. And over it all was an overwhelming fog of tiredness that was making you so, unbelievably bone weary.

You felt so lethargic all the time, with such little energy that you didn't even want to move. If the doctor hadn’t warned you that everything was likely to get worse before it got better, you’d be afraid. But you’d at least been warned. Didn’t mean you had to like it though. It was like your muscles had simply given up, unwilling to do their sole function while a foggy haze filled your mind.

It was hard to think a lot of the time, words and thoughts appearing in your mind and then vanishing away in wisps. On top of that, you didn’t even want to think too much, it seemed to tire you out even more. In fact, all you wanted to do was sleep.

And so you’d done a lot of that. You'd taken some time off work to cope with the side effects once it had become apparent that you were indeed suffering some of the negative ones, almost falling asleep on the job until your boss told you to head home. And in turn, Hoseok had spent the last few nights over at yours, taking care of you as best he could.

Whatever food and drink he could get down you he did, along with any painkillers you were willing to take. And then he made sure to keep your place clean, taking care of Kasumi when she wasn't curled up against you on the bed.

You'd never been more thankful for him.

"Do you need anything, baby?" He asks softly, running his hand along your side gently. You knew that he probably missed actually interacting with you given that you slept so much lately. And despite the fact that he’d just woken you up from what must have been a good few hours nap given he was here, you just wanted to go back to sleep again.

A negative sound leaves your lips while you shake your head, eyes falling closed once more. You hear him sigh deeply, his hand resting firmer on your shoulder before he's moving off the bed.

Sounds come from within the bedroom before he heads out, a sweet and high pitched male voice floating through to you as he talks to Kasumi and the cute meows that he's answered with. Despite your tiredness and pain, you can't help but smile at the sound of it.

You love that he loves Kasumi too, and that she likes him in return.

The mattress dipping again causes you to blink away, frowning as you realise that you’d obviously drifted off to sleep once more without even meaning to. The fluffy duvet shifts on top of you, a waft of cold air causing you to shiver as it runs along your back before it's replaced by the firm, warm body of your boyfriend.

"Hobi?" His nickname leaves your mouth quietly, the sound husky with the sleep that's plagued you all day and you feel him sigh against you. A solid arm wraps around your waist, carefully avoiding your sensitive stomach and shifting until he finds a position that's comfortable for both himself and you before he settles.

"Yeah baby, I'm here. Go back to sleep if you need to. It's okay." Hoseok murmurs softly, the fingertips of his hand brushing in the most soft and gentle manner over your stomach, his touch soothingly warm even through the fabric of your pyjama top. Despite the pain and tiredness, you feel an immense wave of emotion towards him given how easily he cares for you.

There's no doubt that someone like Hoseok could probably have a girlfriend prettier than you, smarter than you and so much more. Someone who was less work. Someone who would go out with him without question, who would drink with him, go to his gigs with him, who would listen to the same music as him and much more.

Yet here he was, in bed with you at an early hour on a Thursday night so soon after he’d gotten home from work. All without a complaint, because you were suffering badly from the symptoms of your antidepressants and he knew that. He’d seen you in ways that you never wanted anyone to see you in the past week, from breaking down so completely to all the different illnesses he’d nurtured you through.

And he was still here. He’d supported you the whole way, with a happy and positive attitude that said you could rely on him. Even if he went to work in the mornings, you fell back asleep with surety in your bones that he would come back to you.

You felt gratitude towards him, affection and something far stronger than you were not entirely sure you could put a label on just yet, even though it had been over eight months at this point. Because he didn't run at the first sign of a girlfriend who was a lot of work. Instead, he just got down in the dirt with you and told you that he was ready to support you.

Your hand moved down to trace the skin on his wrist, mind already drifting off before you even realise it as you feel the steady movement of his chest behind you. Fingers pressing down on his hand lightly, you can't help but smile softly as you realise that you might be ill and still suffering the negative effects of the other week, but right here...in his arms...you finally feel hopeful.

Hoseok laid there quietly, feeling the way your body relaxes against his and your breathing slows down as sleep grips you once more. The peace you slip back into contents him, the knowledge that you’re no longer suffering or feeling the effects of either your illness or depression soothing him deep inside.

His own depression from his teenage years had taken a different form compared to yours; self-destructive behaviour that refused to acknowledge what he was feeling. It had been a constant rollercoaster of emotions back then; from anger to happiness, guilt to joy and more. He’d struggled with it, unable to accept his own grief and feelings until college.

But he would never say which kind was worse, neither were worse than the other because they had both tormented each of you in turn. Hoseok was just happy that you’d sought help from your doctor and were now taking antidepressants that would hopefully be of some help to you.

And he would be here for you. A few years ago he probably wouldn’t have been. He was mature enough to admit that he’d been exceptionally immature back then. The Hoseok of early college would have run at the first sight of anything that looked like work in a relationship, not willing to put up with your depression and anxieties.

Back then, he’d liked his girls easy, open and willing. The concept of actually having to put in effort would have horrified him.

He was glad that he’d grown as a person since then, evolving in his mindset and tastes until the idea of not staying with you was painful; the idea of missing out on you hurt his chest. So did the idea that other people might give up on you because of something you couldn’t control. He knew that you thought it made you unlovable, that you were convinced that you weren’t worthy or didn’t deserve it.

You were wrong, and he would happily spend his time proving you wrong.

Running his hand slowly along your stomach, your body so warm and solid against him, he sighed quietly and pressed his lips to your head. A tiny noise left you, shifting slightly before settling once more and he smiled as he pressed his nose into the back of your neck.

He’d never felt like this to anyone, which he supposed was a good thing. But everything about you fascinated him, drew him in like a moth to a flame. Your little habits, some spurred by your anxiety and some just natural, your love of all things cute and anything that made you happy and so much more. On paper, this relationship probably shouldn’t work given the differences, but he’d never been with someone he liked this much.

So if you were struggling right now, then he was going to be right here with you until you feel better again. That’s what you do when you love someone.

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cvastals · 4 years ago

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look i kno i said i wasnt gna bring a 6th until i was caught up w replies bt i kno gunner well n therefore felt like he deserved his time to shine in the rp so i beg of u pls plot w him looks at u all like :B

* axel auriant, cis man + he/him | you know gunner paxton, right? they’re twenty-two, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, four years? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to bizarre love triangle by new order like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole curling up for days in bed wearing a hello kitty comfort shirt, stuttering in the face of affection, and hand me downs two sizes too big thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is july 31st, so they’re a leo, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( bri, 23, est, they/them )

background.

middle child of the paxton family, cliff being the eldest and wyatt being the youngest :D

they lived at the top of a hill in a trailer in a trailer park neighbourhood in laramie, wyoming so to say the least that fucking sucked for everyone involved

the trailer was so small that all 3 boys ended up sharing a room, gunner and wyatt sharing a bunk bed bc they cldnt fit 3 beds into one room it really was every childs nightmare bt they quickly grew used to it tbh

gunner was always more of an artsy child than invested in sports - though he does enjoy baseball and continued even to this day after their dad made him join SOMETHING in middle school - so he never rly earned their father’s respect, but he was always close with his mom since they had the same calm temperament

(depression/anxiety tw) he also gained a list of mental health issues that their mom had as well, including social anxiety and major depressive disorder

(violence/abuse tw) their father always encouraged pretty volatile behaviour and it caused a lot of physical fights and arguments between the brothers when their dad told them the best way to get over it was to start hurting until someone tapped out, it was just a chaotic and pretty abusive household but no one knew and their mom definitely wasn’t going to say anything about it to their dad

(missing child/kidnapping/anxiety/depression tw) wyatt went missing on a weekend that their parents were gone because of a trip they won, and things just got worse from there, high school was really rough for gunner, his anxiety grew worse as time went on that no one found wyatt, their dad grew more hostile towards them, cliff left home in the middle of the night never to be seen again (merely leaving a note so that the family didn’t think they had a case of two kidnapped children), and their mom just grew sicker, it was rare that she would ever leave her room and if she did it was in fits of random energy where she would do something spontaneous and completely unnecessary to their house as a way of coping

the two years that gunner was at home after cliff left were pretty brutal and as soon as he could, he was fleeing wyoming and going to school in irving

(internalized homophobia tw) things are far better now that he’s out of his home situation, but ofc he still has a few personal things he’s working thru; the paxton’s were raised in an incredibly religious household, and he’s got some classic Catholic Guilt going on upon realizing that he’s not jst attracted to women n he avoided talking abt it forever/stayed in the closet fr far too long bt he’s sort of come out now in his own way even tho he does still get a bit nervous talking abt it rly

he’s also ‘dealing’ rn (just pharmaceuticals) which is frankly funny to think abt bc this man is abt as threatening as a care bear bt money is tight all things considering and a librarian job doesn’t rly cover it, and with the amount of meds he’s on, plus incredibly frequent doctor’s visits, needing to pay for extra epi-pens, inhalers, etcs. bills add up so he’s cutting back his meds n selling wht he can spare which is . so unhealthy bt thts life in corporate america baybee!

details.

is literally allergic to everything. grass, cats, most fruits, milk, most nuts, bees, latex, probably more i cnt even keep up w them its pathetic

u can catch him strutting around town w his blinged out epipen holder (aka blinged out w pins of his fav horrors movies) LKSHDGKLHSKLDG

if things cldnt get worse he also has quite intense asthma so he carries an inhaler with him at all times

n to make matters even WORSE he frequently has dizzy spells n bad memory problems bc of all the concussions he’s suffered from (about 8-9 at this point) as well as consistent migraines that can b literally debilitating sometimes

awkward n jst a bit of a Weirdo to b frank like he barely knows how to converse with ppl

didnt have any friends in high school so took the time to teach himself rly weird things, knows a fuck ton of magic tricks, can yodel, juggle, solve a rubix cube with his eyes closed in under 30 seconds, just extremely weird and specific things

can honestly b a bit mean/barbaric to ppl he’s not close w/doesn’t kno - has told ppl to their face before he doesn’t enjoy talking to them bc he has no concept of social constructs/norms

loves 2 film random things at parties, makes him feel more comfortable at them n he makes short films of them all after

going off that fact he did a film internship in nyc during the summer and is trying to find a job in that field

doesn’t realize demisexuality is a thing so he’s never been that fond of sex but has this stigma in his mind that that makes him Broken so he still Tries n it jst doesnt go well tugs my shirt collar

connections.

ppl who r more into under the counter meds than Hard Drugs n buy off him?? probs wld have to kno him some way hes too scared to sell to Random randoms

ppl he went to school w? :D

some friends………. hes awkward bt he means well…………

ppl he has a crush on/unrequited crushes either way wtvr floats ur boat he crushes quite easily but never does anything abt it fr the most part

a mans he wld Risk It All fr (aka a guy tht he actually has a crush on n is Extra Awkward probs a lil mean to bc hes still New to That)

some enemies tbh, he has a temper n he tends to blow up rarely bt it happens n when it does it actually can b quite scary JKSHDGLHSDG

a muse….. mayhaps?? someone he always wants in his film projects

awkward past hook ups/one night stands where one of them cut ties off cuz every time they got together gunner acted like he was embalming a body for a funeral

current hook ups/fwb’s w ppl he’s actually close w/is comfortable w so its nowhere near as bad SDKHSLDGHKLSDGH

Anything u Desire

#irvingintro #depression tw #anxiety tw #violence tw #abuse tw #missing child tw #kidnapping tw #internalized homophobia tw #tugs my shirt collar at all those tws............. SLKDHGLKHSDGKLHSDKLGHSDG #as per usual i didnt proofread lets all pray bri didnt make a mistake.

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0lshadyl0 · 5 years ago

Note

If it’s not too much, can you please do yandere Hawks, Mirio & Gang Orca hcs? Thank you.

since you didn’t specify the gender I will go with female pronouns, enjoy it~

and a free general headcanon for those three, they are breeders and want children, Breeding kink and mating kink is very strong whit this men

yandere Hawks headcanons

ok, let’s start by saying that Hawks is another delusional Yandere, and his case is more serious than that of any other Yandere, due to his past and genetic conditions he suffers from delusional disorder

He must have suffered from this disorder due to a large amount of stress he has had to live throughout his life to not have real control over it because it was discovered at an early age and forced to be a hero by his parents

or it could also be due to loneliness, as I had said before, being discovered at an early age not only brought stress, it also brought loneliness, since he was separated from his parents, at that time he loved them and couldn’t think of living his life apart from them, and forced to train tirelessly until he achieved the great potential he has now to be a great hero

At least his mental disorder is not as serious as MIrio or All Might, but it is still a problem and if he becomes obsessed with you, believe me, unless you are smarter and more skilled than him, you are screwed

He is a very skilled and trained person, an expert manipulator under the facade of a carefree dude and distracted person, do not be fooled easily, he can pretend to be an idiot but he is anything but that

He is obsessive and fast worker, it will not take long to know everything about you, from where you live, your likes and dislikes, what you eat and even what you usually wear, Hawks could calmly know what kind of underwear you wear every day

Cheerfully there are three points that he has in his favor, first, a great charisma that serves to deceive those around him and with that this urban giant pigeon is accompanied by a horde of fans, which will make it easier to him to take you to public dates where he will make his proposals which you will accept due to public pressure (his fans)

two, despite being a Yandere he is very stable and, incredibly, he isn’t a jealous person, yet he is selfish so he would never share you in bed with someone else, he would let other people (friends, family, and strangers) see you, flatter you and share time, (you could get to have a more or less normal relationship with him) with you but you will never have sex with someone other than him

and three, he really wants you to fall in love with him as he has fallen in love with you, that is his main objective, to be loved and have a family, he comes from a poor and dysfunctional family that at the slightest chance of making money, practically they sold him to the hero committee so that he became one, regardless of asking him if he wanted to or not, good thing that he wanted to be a hero and not being like his dad, and now that he moved away from his toxic parents denying them money he seeks to have a new family, this time one in which there is love and not greed

He has no plans to kidnap you and the truth is he will not need it, you will go and live with him on your own, after all, it is almost impossible for you to notice who he really is since he is a good actor, but be careful, thanks to all the training and living conditions he has had he can be apathetic, to all those who are not you, and he is basically a psychopath, to kill and disappear people/bodies is not a problem, he does not worry about corrupting himself or becoming a villain as long as you love him

Yandere MirioTogata headcanons

if you came to think that Hawks was clingy Mirio is even worse

He can be twice as obsessive and he gets very anxious when he doesn’t know where you are, although he doesn’t show it much because he has an image to keep, he is a stalker, always knowing where you are and what you do, he must do it for his mental health

He likes to spy on you in his spare time, at the academy, when you train, when you eat in the cafeteria, when you go out for a walk, in your house and his favorites, when you sleep, shower or change your clothes

He is just leaving adolescence which means that he is quite hormonal and emotional, he cannot stop his feelings for you or his sexual desires towards you

his case of delusional disorder is a bit more serious than Hawks is not only Erotomanic (he thinks you’re in love with him) is also accompanied by hallucinations

In the evenings he dreams of you and in the day he has hallucinations of you, they are usually auditory but if it comes to the case that they do not see you in a long time (you went on vacation or visiting a family member for a period of time) he can have visual hallucinations of you where you seduce him

As I said before, physical contact is crucial for him, either as your friend or as your boyfriend you will not have personal space

He is a manipulator but he is too emotional, so it is easier to make him feel bad or lie to him and get certain freedoms with it, he can’t stand to see you cry and he loves spoiling you

He likes to cook, it is acceptable with homemade food but his specialty is desserts, he loves to cook desserts of different types and give them to you every day, he always mentions that they have a secret ingredient, and you will think, it is love, no, it’s his own cum with shredded sleeping pills

From the day he decides that he is in love with you and that you will be his darling, it is the same day that your body belongs to him and every night he will enjoy it while you are in a deep sleep due to the drugs he puts in desserts

although it may not seem like it, he is very violent with people who hurt you or make you feel bad, and although he has a heart of gold which prevents him from killing people, he compensates it with torture, breaking bones is his specialty

Yandere Gang Orca headcanons

This man, this great man, is a possessive being without exaggeration, but he is quite an alpha male and his enormous size supports him

Kuugo wants more than anything to have you by his side, take care of you and give you the world, after all a happy darling is a happy marriage

Yes, I said marriage, he is one of those Yandere guys who seek to marry you, make you his sweet wife and have a lot of children

Despite his questionable appearance that is a little scary for children and women, if he is given the opportunity, he proves to be a romantic and passionate being, he is incredibly good at speaking and with his deep voice it is very easy to him seduce you

Orca is possessive and somewhat jealous, not that much but still, even though he won’t lock you anywhere, orca first will try to make you fall in love and make you his wife with your consent, he will use other tactics like kidnapping if you reject him

He likes to go shopping with you and pamper you, every weekend there will be trips to the mall to buy you new things, if you’re a nice darling you will be very spoiled, especially lingerie since he usually always destroys it when you two have sex

He is not the type of man you can fool or disobey, he is not Hawks or Mirio, he knows what he does and how to play his cards and has no other mental problem beyond the terrible obsession he has with you, Orca is mostly Animal instinct

it must have been something in your scent, your height, because I doubt that you will be taller than him, or the fact that from the first time you met him you showed no sign of being afraid of his appearance, whatever it was He chose you as his mate, there is no way to escape from him

in exchange for the previous two, he will be able to harm you, he is strong and likes discipline, and although his punishments are not physical, they are more of the psychological type, he likes to bite until he draws blood, he does it more than anything when seeks to reproduce with you mostly when his ruts strikes

Oh yes, he is a stallion, a breeder, all his body and attitude shout daddy, in fact, the best advice I can give you if you get to be under the hands of this man is that you are to act sweet and obey, call him daddy, he will tell you clearly from the beginning what he wants from you and the best thing is that you give it to him or you will suffer a long time in a dark room

killing is not a problem for him, nor is it killing your family and friends if necessary, he can give you better friends to those you had (most likely they are other pro heroes) and a better family (in which you would meet the role of the mother), he is an orca, and remember that orcas are also called killer whales

‘the orcas will prey on almost any animal they find in the sea, in the air over the water or along the coastline. To hunt, killer whales use their massive teeth' and in his case, all those who try to get away from you will become their prey, he is the best to disappear bodies, after all, what better way to disappear a body than to eat it

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felassanis · 4 years ago

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WHY FENHAWKE IS IMPORTANT. FENRIS ANALYSIS.

(I’m not saying you have to romance fenris, if you do not like fenris you do you boo boo romance a fucking candelstick. I just have to put this ‘disclaimer’ even tho it’s obvious, cuz we have easily offended geezers up in this fandom who have accused me before of having ‘acted superior with my romance choice’ and all that bollocks.)

Kinda long, kinda detailed, but I had a lot of fun thinking about this. Also, I am not analysing Rivalmance, I am analysing scenes and dialogue from Fenris’s ‘nicemance’’ mentions of mental illness but nothing triggering.

Fenris’s story in Dragon Age II has a outer layer and an inner layer. The outer layer is of course fighting for his freedom. Becoming a free man is his conscious desire. In order to get this Fenris will do anything from never staying in one place for too long to killing anyone that comes after him. This ‘becoming a free man’ is the obvious story regarding Fenris. It’s the first thing we learn about his arc: The slave who wants to be free. And it’s up to our Hawke to help him achieve that.

But, we also have what I call the ‘true story’. His inner layer or ‘subconscious’ desire surrounds the element of revenge, overcoming trauma and learning to move on. It’s the story of Fenris we will eventually learn about and slowly uncover as the game progresses.

Fenris deep down wants to move on. It’s not just about being free, Fenris knows he wants to be free. He is fully aware of that. What he doesn’t acknowledge however, is that in order to be truly free he’s got to learn to accept what has happened to him, accept it was out of his control and accept that it is in the past. But....he won’t.

I will admit, Fenris’s speech can be hella emo and overdramatic, the way he talks is extremely gothic novella and the writers could have done a better job at showing not telling. But, the reason he talks the way he does about ‘plagues in his heart’ and whatnot, is to exemplify the complete and utter turmoil this elf possesses. You can tell he’s thought about it a lot, because he talks so poetically that you can’t help but think ‘no one naturally talks likes this’ it shows he has overthought the emotions his past has caused at great lengths. I guess, you could analyse it as ‘no one talks that way, unless they’ve rehearsed it’ which yes, I think he has rehearsed it to some degree. Not to sound purposefully broody and meloncholic just for the aestheitc; he just knows with full clarity how it makes him feel and he’s able to describe it naturally in that articulated manner.

I highly doubt he even knows he’s doing it honestly, his speech is very different from the other characters. Anders for example also suffers from trauma and mental health, but he doesn’t speak like this. For Fenris it just comes naturally...

Every time we talk to Fenris before spending the night with him is about slavery. We find him running from slavers, we kick down the doors to hunt down his slave master and he talks to Hawke about what has happened to him regarding his days of being a slave. The topic of slavery is heavily ingrained into his character but the game isn’t doing that because Bioware wants you to think ‘OOH he’s so angsty and broody! He’s such a tormented soul don’t you just love him?!’ Nah, Bioware is merely saying that this character’s past was so horrifying that he simply cannot get over it. He talks about it so much because it has engulfed him; he’s not free of the chains as Flemeth said.

The ‘chains’ she’s referring to is that ‘slavery’ has very much swallowed his whole identity. He’s not yet willing to claw his way out of the jaw of his past. He’s both unwilling and likely unaware he talks about it so much with Hawke.

The only other conversation where it’s not heavily discussed is when him and Hawke discuss the theme of home in his first one on one. It becomes very clear that Fenris has not had a home in a long time due to being on the run, he asks Hawke why they haven’t returned to Ferelden and nearly every option Hawke has is pretty much ‘Kirkwall isn’t so bad, I’ve built a life here’ or ‘my family is here, I have roots’ to which Fenris will sound...longing. Exhibiting a clear desire to have his own place to call home, yet he won’t come out and say it. Hawke says “It sounds like you want to settle down,” and Fenris will respond “I could see myself staying, for the right reasons,” and I just...look, he is deliberately giving himself an out when he says that. ‘The right reasons’ is a clever way of Fenris setting up an escape plan for when his paranoia inevitably settles in and it’s time to pack up and move on. ‘The right reasons,’ yeah, we both know Fenris, that when you decide it’s time to go you can then just be like ‘I haven’t found the right reason to stay’ and run. But the reason you haven’t found the right reason to stay, is because you are not MAKING a reason to stay!

Moreover, his second one on one? Where if you flirted with him he’s like ‘You’re amazing, but I’m a slave...why would you want me?’ here, Hawke is beginning to represent that ‘right reason’...a reason he could stay, and that gives him some food for thought, as well as some potential fear...This is repeated when the flirting gets a bit more heated durng the second conversation. Where’s he drunk (I think?) and him and Hawke dance around ‘getting to know each other’ only for Fenris to suddenly back out.

A good quote, ‘if you feel as though you have no place in the world, you must make one,’ is something I think resonates with this elf. He doesn’t have a purpose in the world, he is on the run constantly with his past eating away at him. But he does want purpose, he’s just unable to grasp it. His story is about carving himself a new purpose, a new future.

Now, obviously...Fenris can’t really settle down. Not until he’s stopped being hunted which will only occur when Danarius is dead. I’m obviously not glossing over that and saying ‘Fenris is a bitch who won’t move on’ that’s not what I’m saying AT ALL. He has good reason to not stay in one place and he has good reason to paranoid. But, Danarius and the slavers? that’s not the inner conflict that I’m trying to analyse. Danarius and the slavers are an obstacle, they are the physical hurdles he has to jump over. So, yeah I know Fenris cannot do any of what I have said because of those hurdles, but he also can’t do any of that until he’s dealt with his inner conflict; which as I said before is him learning to move on and accepting the past.

The inner conflict NOT BEING ADDRESSED is exactly why after he kills Hadriana he feels EMPTY. In the moment that he is face to face with someone that caused him so much pain; she bullied him to no end and like any person Fenris loses it. All those years of abuse...he has the chance to exact his revenge and he does it. However, after being consumed with hatred for so long and at such an intensity...what is left? Now she’s dead...he feels nothing.

I want to point out that Fenris says ‘I couldn’t let her go, I wanted to...but I couldn’t’ at first I when I heard this line I was a bit confused. But thinking about it, Hadriana isn’t just a character in Dragon Age. In Fenris’s story she represents a chapter in his lifethat Fenris THOUGHT HE HAD CLOSED. He says ‘This hate...I thought I had gotten rid of it’ Hadriana represents Fenris’s rage...Hadriana while a complete fucking bitch, isn’t Danarius. Danarius is the one that haunts Fenris. While I have no doubt that she deserved to die, and I shudder to think what she might have done, she isn’t as bad as Danarius. Fenris...could have let her go, and if he had done then it would have represented some ounce of moving on...but he kills her, he gives into his rage and kills her.

Fenris had convinced himself that he was over it to some degree, but he isn’t. So once her blood laments his hands, it is a revelation to him. A scary one...and that is why he feels ‘disquiet’. Or alternatively, you could see it as Fenris perhaps ALWAYS knowing he was not over his hate deep down, but Hadriana finally brought it to light. His hate has always been quelling inside of him, but it’s only really after Hadriana, does Fenris finally fucking realise it. So when it’s revealed to him, it becomes too much for him to handle hence why he stomps off leaving the party. Thus, beginning Act 2 of Fenris’s story...

Sorry for all of that, but now I’M GOING TO TALK ABOUT HAWKE.

After he leaves the party, you will find Fenris at Hawke’s estate waiting for them. Now that hot, emotional fury has lifted from his senses he’s ready to be nice again and say sorry.

After apologising; Hawke as concerned as always, asks him if he’s okay...and Fenris, without being drunk, will be completely honest with Hawke. He will confess the conflict he is feeling, he’ll describe what Hadriana made him feel and he will confess how her death left an emptiness inside of him...I don’t doubt that Fenris is a reserved person. He’s not one to voice his problems and past. While the entire cast of DAII know Fenris was a slave, I feel like only Hawke truly knows the details. However gory. The Fog Warriors story truly shows how much trust he has for Hawke, that isn’t a story that paints him as the good guy...yes, to some degree he was a victim but he did murder people who only wanted to help, who were willing to fight for his freedom. The Fog Warriors are parallel to Hawke, they were people he respected and looked up to just as he does with Hawke yet he killed them. Him telling that story...my god, imagine how hard that must be. Hawke is doing the same thing for him that the Fog Warriors did, but he trusts Hawke so much that he feels like they should know.

Back to the romance scene, he is completely vulnerable in that moment. After his rant he has a moment of clarity and realises he’s distanced himself from the original goal of meeting up with Hawke. They’re so easy to talk to he forgot himself. So, he’s about to leave. Until Hawke reaches out for him.

THE KISS SCENE, wow...ok. The armour design defintely had a hand in it, we know his arms are showed off in that armour because he’s not keen on hiding them, he won’t hide from the slavers who know exactly what those markings mean.

Hawke grabs HIS SKIN. As they try to stop him from leaving they touch his skin...

Back with Hadriana when Hawke can reach out for him, they grab his shoulder, the part of him that’s cladded in thick leather (or whatever the heck it’s made out of)...nothing happens. HERE THEY TOUCH HIS SKIN. All that SPIKY armour! And Hawke is close enough to Fenris that they can reach out and touch his bare arm.

He glows, and while it can be speculated, the lyrium seems to briefly cloud his mind and instinctively he seems to think he’s being hurt, on reflex he slams Hawke against the wall. He appears angry, hostile...could be the lyrium defending him...but it’s probably more to do with physical abuse....

I love seeing that blue cloud fade from his eyes, as he slowly slips back to reality and processes what has just happened. His animation shows him stepping back, slowly because he must be thinking ‘I have just made this worse, I came here to apologise, and these damn markings just made me attack Hawke’ in this moment Hawke sees Fenris in a state. The Lyrium, the ‘magic that has spoiled him’ took over...he probably thinks they ought to be mortified. But instead? Hawke kisses him.

Hawke has seen him in the state he probably feels disgusted by. There’s no way this hasn’t happened before, where he’s lost control. And he probably feels akin to a mage succumbing to a demon. But Hawke...Hawke just loves him, and wants to make him feel loved. They saw that flicker of horror in his eye as he pinned them against the wall, and they just would want to blow it out.

Of course Fenris is going to reciprocate. There’s no one he respects more, no one he trusts more (nor fancies more :) ) and after he did what he did they still kiss him. Finally, it is here that Hawke represents a future, and for that night he’s willing to have a taste of that future. To feel happy and loved, to forget about his past and focus on Hawke...

Then, the past comes to bite him in the arse.

He remembers his life before the the lyrium. Suddenly, without warning it is then stolen from him. He lost his life TWICE.

He lost it twice because of the Lyrium, the lyrium inflicted upon him by Danarius, the Magister who fucking...well, you know. The Magister who enslaved him and others and who has been sending out slavers to hunt him down, the very same slavers Hawke and Fenris fought that very day...the slavers that ambushed him and Hawke.

See where I’m going with this? Fenris recollecting his memories only to lose them is a double edged sword. One side, it’s clearly devastating and anyone would be disturbed if their whole life just vanished so suddenly. And if being with Hawke is just going to repeat that then you can’t blame him for wanting to end it. But also, Hawke? This human that represents a potential future? Being with them made him remember the past, the past he is still haunted by and clings to. How can he have a future with someone when being with them is tainted by the past?

I had a whole rant about this in another post so I won’t ramble too long since this post is already a thicc bitch but...Fenris cannot delve into a relationship with Hawke. He isn’t ready for the committment when he’s still being haunted by the past, both physically and mentally. Before he can have a future, he needs to work on himself in order to be ready for that future. He needs to kill Danarius. Now we circle back to him overcoming his obstacles and finally achieving his subconscious desires.

I said that mental illness is reallt well portrayed in Fenhawke because Fenris and Hawke are seperated for YEARS. Yet, the beauty of it is that Hawke waits for Fenris. They stay by him, they support him and protect him and they remain at his side until the day they finally get to witness him pull out Danarius’s heart. It utterly evokes the beauty of good relationships such as patience, compromise and adoration of all flaws. Yes, they seperate and yes I know people got a bit mad. However, Fenris leaving Hawke strengthens their bond.

Fenris is the one who closes the chapter on Danarius, because as I have said if you are struggling with mental illness only you can help yourself and take the steps to recovery. There are the lucky few who have others surrounding them that will be of support and of course that helps...but it is down the one person to realise they are drowing, and it’s up to them if they grab the lifeguard.

With Danarius dead, once again that feeling of numbing emptiness prevails and instead of getting angry Fenris owns up to the fact that...he needs to move on. That if he’s ever going to be happy he needs to accept what happened to him. Whether or not you let verania live, it was important for Fenris to think he could have reclaimed the past. Because this time when he is once again proven wrong it finally clicks that the past has nothing for him anymore. I do wish he could have had a family, but...it is kinda fitting that Verania is a mage, that she isn’t interested in reuniting with Fenris. The ties have been cut, the past isn’t the answer.

He feels alone. Obviously, that’s not tue, because guess who’s been by his side all this time? And who is standing there right now, looking upon him with much love in their eyes reminding him ‘I’m here Fenris,’

That smile, *swoons* that smile. :’) As though Hawke has said something so bloody obvious. Making him smile because ‘yeah, he should have known that’ And that MY FRIENDS, Is probably when Fenris is already concieving the possibility of spending the rest of his life with Hawke...RIGHT THEN AND THERE.

Fenris has a long way to go to move on, but the important thing is is that he’s now finally willing and able. He doesn’t know where it will lead, but whatever or wherever it leads he’s going to walk it with Hawke. He talks about wishing he had stayed with Hawke when he finally confronts them with what happened between them all those years ago. He says that because now his head is clearer and he sees what he should have done. But Fenris sweetie, you had to go through what you did in order to be the man you are today, it’s ok that you made mistakes. You’re here now and so is Hawke.

A platonic bond with Fenris is important, but Fenris and Hawke probably never see each other again if that’s the case. If you romanced him, Fenris flees Kirkwall with Hawke. He ain’t leaving their side, because they are his future.

Fenris has a fucking amazing arc, bioware did really well with him and his romance was so well done and I love analysing his behaviour. Hawke really helps him get through his trauma and they are there to take his hands and lead him down the road to recovery. This was a romance DONE RIGHT

thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

#Fenris #Dragon age #dragon age 2 #daii #da2 #dragon age ii #hawke #fehawke #fenris x hawke #fenris analysis #plz reblog this took me fucking hours lol

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dawniebb · 4 years ago

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Face reveal bc yes

So, guys...especially from the Renegades fandom bc i’m the most active there: you saw the title lmao. This will...barely get notes (i wonder if it’ll get notes at all) buuUUUT YEAH LET’S GOOOO (If you’re gonna reblog pls be respectful bc i have issues and btw reblog ONLY if we are mutuals)

THIS IS ME! <3 HELLOOOO!!!

Now, if you want to stop here, do it. If you don’t...well

I’m going to tell you a story about myself and why I decided to post this.

First of all, I’m not celebrating anything. I’m just celebrating me, I guess (?) and in fact I’ve been wanting to do this since my parents got me a She-Ra cake for my 20th birthday back in May, because I loved that thing and felt the physical need to shove that thing into everyone’s faces But I didn’t because I didn’t feel ready enough...then that thought left my mind, and it came back like two weeks ago.

I’ve had mental issues since I was in like...elementary school. I’m sure I had felt depressed before I turned 12; however, the first memory I hold of feeling so, it’s when I was already 12. Because it was then when I realized that I wasn’t just a dumb kid who didn’t know how to make friends xd To this day, I genuinely feel like I was suffering from isolation bullying; you know xd my classmates purposely excluded me from activities, they would find any excuse for not letting me join their work teams and stuff like that; during my last year at elementary school, I only had like one friend, and that one friend and I shared a sort of abusive/toxic relationship, as in: manipulation, “we’re best friends. you should only talk to ME”, and then this friend turned her back at me too, because she decided to join the rest of the group and ignore me.

lol.

And I remember wondering what was I doing wrong. Like, why didn’t people like me; why didn’t they want to hang out with me; why did everyone seem to have friends except me. And then I got trapped into a very...dark place, and I remember being overthinking one day, because I tend to overthink a lot...and I remembered this specific kid who was in the same class as me.

I was in the line for the teacher to check my homework, and this kid, a boy, was behind me.

You see. I’ve always been chubby xd I don’t think I’ve ever been skinny since I was 2 years old or so, because by the time I was in kindergarten my classmates’ moms were already calling me a ‘little meatball’ thinking it was a fucking adorable nickname because Mexican moms can be pretty shitty sometimes don’t let the media stereotypes fool you not all of them are all cheerful and upbeat and when I was in elementary school, for some reason, besides being chubby, I had a really bad posture. And this boy who was behind me started imitating my way of walking and his friends were laughing, so I turned around and asked him wtf his problem was xd and he turned around to his friends and asked “Do you see how hunchback she is?” like I wasn’t even there xd and I genuinely tried to slap him but I couldn’t, and he said “Yo, stop moving because you’re going to cause an earthquake”

And my mom has always felt personally attacked for the fact I’m...u know, fat. She has always been very insistent on the fact I need to lose weight and stuff like that. And her, mixed with my experiences at school, made me feel like I wasn’t enough.

But my mind started saying things like “And u know why you aren’t enough? Because you’re fat”

Because, like, the day of the hunchback insult, when I told the teacher, who was a very shitty teacher btw but i’m not talking about her again today (i’ve already talked about her in MANY of my university papers, because I’m studying to be an English teacher), she turned around at him and said “Don’t listen to HER” and to this day I still don’t know why xd

But it made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Because I was fat.

Lol x2.

To this day, I still don’t know if I have an ED. Like, I genuinely don’t know. But I can safely say that, if I have one, it’s more likely BED... because, through the years, I managed to lose weight when I turned like 15 and I had my quinceañera party, but then first year of high school came and I had a relapse into depression...like, this might come off as a very unpopular opinion, but junior high school was dope for me x’d I remember it as one of the best years in my life, right after my second and third year in high school (high school in Mexico lasts only three years) and so...when I started my first year in high school and got fucking depressed again, I gained ALL that weight back, and even doubled it. During my second year of high school, I met my friends. The friends I still keep with me to this day. And they accepted me like the fucking train wreck I was, failing math like three times in a row and crying about it every single one of those times because I’m pretty sure I have dyscalculia but my parents won’t listen to me they think i’m just lazy when it comes to math even though they know i cant even read a fucking clock . And them, along with my another very close friend who I met via fanfction when I was 12, helped me go through it. Like, I did have some issues with my body during high school, but not as much as you would expect. They were getting pretty bad in my first and second semester, but during the other four my friends managed to stop me from losing my mind, even when it all went to shit in my third year again for different reasons.

Then I graduated from high school, and I made friends there too. Although my best friends are still my friend from fanfiction, my friends from high school and just one of my university friends. And you know...I was left...pretty scarred from the shit that happened during third year of high school, and even if I didn’t feel like I was *that* depressed, I did gain a lot of weight.

Like, the highest I’ve ever been. Then my dad got sick during October from last year, then my two doggies were murdered god i fucking hate my neighbors the same day my dad was released from the hospital and my mom went kinda nuts during December and I wanted to just...yeah.

So I did a lot of emotional eating. Like, y’all don’t understand.

It was like...I would go to uni and eat a brownie. Then chocolates on my way home. THEN a “a snack” like...fucking rice krispies. Then a huge ass meal, with soda bc why not. Then I would have either cookies or hot cheetos as a treat after my huge ass meal,

I’m a short person xd carrying that much weight was making my ribs and back hurt, as well as my legs and feet; my breathing was freaking awful, and there were some days were I got SO paranoid I just said things like “i’m gonna die today” or “out here trying to get diabetes like the rest of your family, aren’t you??” :’) but i didn’t tell anybody. My parents are not really an option in this case, BUT I didn’t tell my friends, because then I would have to explain that I ate a lot and that was something I was EXTREMELY ashamed of.

When February came, I was scared of going out, because I knew I would have to choose what clothes to wear and nothing fit me anymore and, the things that did, looked super stretched on me and, u know, I was sore. My health was getting bad. But I didn’t like to feel that way.

AND I MUST CLARIFY HERE. I’M WORKING ON THAT. I’M ACTUALLY A BODY POSITIVY DEFENDER, I JUST DIDN’T LIKE HOW *I* LOOKED AND, BESIDES, I WAS GETTING SICK. I GENUINELY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE AT SOME POINT. I’M NOT SAYING BEING FAT OR CHUBBY IS DISGUSTING. NO. I BELIEVE ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL. AND IF I’M WRITING THIS IS BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO KNOW RECOVERY IS DISGUSTING AND DIFFICULT SOMETIMES AND THAT IF YOU’RE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THAT: I’M SORRY. NOBODY SHOULD EVER FEEL LIKE THAT. I SUPPORT YOU. AND I HOPE THINGS GET BETTER. AND NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS SAY, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE TO CHANGE ONLY IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE. BECAUSE IT’S YOUR BODY. KEEP HOLDING ON.

But going back to the story...

My friends used to tell me I looked pretty all the time, which I appreciate a lot to this day. But my parents were like

Me: I’m fat and I look deformed.

Them: I agree.

Because yeah.

Just before the pandemic madness happened, I went on a school trip with my uni friends and one of them triggered my isolation trauma in the worst way possible...and that, somehow, ruined ALL the photos I took throughout the trip. Because I wasn’t enough. Because I was deformed and fat and I looked like an apple. Because nobody wanted to be seen near me. And my personality was shitty.

Like, I should’ve known I was worth it. I’m still worth it and I know that. But I wasn’t less worth it when I was chubbier. And maybe I didn’t look as bad as my head made me believe. But at the time my mental health was extremely awful.

Now, covid happened.

Not gonna lie. Quarantine fucked me up as much as it fucked everyone else, but for me...by not going out, I stopped being near trigger foods, and I was even able to consult a dietitian.

I’ve lost 15 kg since March. And I’ve managed to love my past self, but I love this one because changing it was my decision. Sure, my parents didn’t help a lot, but in the end it was MY decision. I’ve come to accept I was worth it even when I felt disgusted by myself, and all of those awful things people said or did to me, like my friend during that trip...

I didn’t deserve any of those things. Because NO ONE deserves to be treated that way. No one deserves somebody else making fun of them. No one deserves somebody else doing awful things to them that they know damn well that they trigger their childhood trauma. No one deserves to be judged for the way they look.

I was in a very dark place, and sometimes I’m still inside there. And like...during all those times, I kept posting in here.

I remember being next to my dad in the hospital, telling him “Guess what? Supernova drops this week” or “We’re going to watch TDP together, right?” or “Let me talk to you about She-Ra...” ....those were things that like...saved my life for a while, though mostly Supernova. Because, actually, Marissa Meyer has helped me in my fucking darkest years x’d from my third year of high school until now.

Her books didn’t take my depression away, but they did make things a little lighter for me, even when I felt like dying.

And I know this fandom is like..full of minors, so...I don’t know if any of you need to hear this: But you’re worth it.

If you want to change anything in your body, do it because YOU want to.

Because YOU’LL like you better.

Because it’s YOUR body, and it’s the only part of yourself that you and other people can touch.

Nobody should ever tell you you’re worthless because of your weight and your physical appearance. And if they ever do, then they’re the ones who should apologize, not you.

Nobody has the right to mistreat you, abuse you, or use your own body against you.

As for me...my ribs don’t hurt anymore. Nor does my back or my feet, and my breathing is getting better; I took the conscious decision to lose weight but, like I said, now that I’m not in such a dark place, I’m staring to realize that the past me wasn’t as hideous as my mind was making me believe. She was okay; she was broken inside, but she didn’t deserve anything that happened to her, nor did she deserved to treat herself that badly.

I posted my photo just to celebrate that I can finally said I’m not disgusted anymore. I can finally see myself in pictures again. And see my own reflection. Or go through my closet. Or do my makeup, because I LOVE doing my makeup and I was even ashamed of that. I’m not fully okay yet, but I’m healing.

So, if there’s any little Dawnie around here: I hope you give yourself a chance and realize you’re beautiful.

I hope that, if you change, it’s because you wanted to do it.

I hope you know that it’ll get better even if the healing process it’s not that easy.

I hope you know there’s people who love you.

I hope you know that you are beautiful. You were always beautiful and, no matter what path you choose, you’ll always be beautiful.

And worth it.

And human.

And important.

Take care of yourself, because you’re wonderful, no matter your size <3

#personal #VERY PERSONAL LMAO DAWN WHAT HAPPENED THERE U OK?#tw: eating disorders mention #TRIGGER WARNING EATING DISORDER MENTIONS #tw: depression #TRIGGER WARNING DEPRESSION #face reveal #and im gonna tag this bc yes #renegades trilogy #marissa meyer #renegades #archenemies #supernova #also TW: BULLYING

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