#TRIGGER WARNING DEPRESSION

[herald-divine-hell]

It's my birthday week and I already want to die.

[mybuttonfelloff]

The Amity Affliction released a redux of their 2014 album Let The Ocean Take Me and i cried listening to the whole thing. TW for mentions of suicidal thoughts, depression, gender dysphoria, and anxiety.

10 years ago i was 16, incredibly depressed, and suicidal. I was so sad and so numb all the time and felt so hopeless, like I would never love myself or ever be loved. I also didn't know i was nonbinary, and my gender dysphoria was at an all time high. Music was genuinely my escape and my refuge, and I felt so seen by that album. i still felt scared and sad, but i felt comfort knowing i wasnt alone, that i wasnt broken and my feelings werent mine alone. And part of me felt guilty for feeling comforted by that, but in a family that rarely spoke of mental health it was the most comforting thing.

Now, at 26, i am still struggling. Anxious, depressed, and struggling with 2 different sleep disorders. I am currently on FMLA from work because it's gotten so bad. But the difference between 16 year old me and 26 year old me is that i feel hopeful. Sometimes barely, but still hopeful. I have changed so much, and yet I still have my teenage self with me. I carry that scared and sad child with me, so they can see their future. So i can see my past. So we can grow together.

This album.... I feel the same about it that i feel about myself now vs then. Its different from the original, but it's grown up. Its still raw, its still full of emotion and hurt but its still here, still trying, still evolving. And Im still trying, still here, still growing. I still relate to so much of this album, feeling so lost and drowning and tired and angry, but im still here.

I dont know if this makes any sense. I dont know if anyone will read this. But if you related to anything that i said, either in the past or the present, please know that i am so proud of you. No matter how you got yourself here today, im proud that you're still here. And i hope one day you can look back on all versions of yourself with fondness, to see those selves as someone who wanted to fight, and fought hard, to stay.

[slutforpatroclus]

Part of the reason it took me so long and so many attempts to make better habits is because my depression had me convinced that I didn't deserve to feel good in my skin and that no matter what I did, I would always feel ugly.

I thought "no matter what I do, how my body changes, I will always feel like this."

My depression was wrong. To everyone else: you deserve better than all the things you've been convinced you can't have.

[numb-little-bugg]

sometimes i’m just like “put me back on the lexapro, that shit made me not afraid to die.”

[ask-cthulhu-mythos-au]

Hey.

ok, I know no one's gonna care, and that it's useless for me to post this and ya.

But I just feel bad for not posting regularly, but uh, I'm not okay rn. And what I thought would be just a small amount of time off, is probably gonna be something like a month. I was about to come back because I thought I had mostly beaten what was going on. But uh ya, I relapsed and I'm worse now.

So ya...sorry. but I PROMISE..i think...I WILL COME BACK

[thiamfresh]

Me at 6 with undiagnosed depression and anxiety: everything awful and I don't know why :( but that's OK because when I'm older it'll all be good!

Me at 16 : yeah nah I'm depressed but it gets better you know. I'll be fine when I'm an adult.

Me at 26 in the exact same(if not worse) situatjon I was in 20 years ago: -_- fuck this.

[chaoticklefics]

I really wish I had more energy to write fics and be active in the community. I’m just trying to get my mental health back on track. I’ve been spiraling and I’m just trying to get to a place where I can feel like I’m living, not just surviving.

[blue-inferno]

Hey...

So uh.... Im not going to post any work or wips for a while. I had a massive mental breakdown and Im literally crying to myself everyday. This bout of severe depression is killing me inside, and I feel helpless for now...

Ill come back when Im more stable

[lawabidingcinnamon]

Honestly think underneath all this depression, anxiety and depression is a Type A Bitch who genuinely enjoys and gets energy from caring about and mattering to people

[strawberry-metal]

Hey Strawberry, are you doing ok...?

Doing extremely bad tbh. I seem to only feel three things: stressed, exhaustion, and depression. This week was supposed to just be me taking a break from… everything. But so far it’s not working at all and I’m just as bad as I was two days ago. I don’t even know what to do anymore. Stuff myself with more pills? I’m so tired of pills and doctors…

[clairethecutepup]

... I had a weird dark thought: if Alexis ever developed her "corn powers" enough to somehow keep someone asleep and in a dream, do you think she'd do so if someone she cared about was depressed to the point of possible suicide? Obviously, she'd be trying to lift their spirits and make sure their stay was paradise, but it's a dark scenario that came to mind one day and I can't shake the wondering of it...

I mean, her character card flat-out states her as "immature," so she may try solving things in ways that are arguably more self-serving and improper for a "best" possible solution: "I'd be sad to lose you, so I'd rather keep you 'trapped!'" I mean, at the very least, it could make for an interesting fanfiction idea if someone's really willing to have Seve or someone else be that defeated... But... Jeez... 😨

[emotionaleating]

pls don’t flirt with me i want to be nonchalant so bad but i unfortunately crave connection so intensely that i will give you my entire soul and forgive you over and over until i’ve lost myself completely and feel like i’m drowning

[milyanoo]

Th1nsp0

[ask-cthulhu-mythos-au]

More lore

This took 3 hours :,)

Explanation:

So obviously there's the whole thing with Kthanid's mate dying and he keeps seeing her ghost, but it forced to stop by taking pills. And Nyarlathotep being born From Azathoth's magic. But let's backtrack, all the way to the beginning, cause yk we gotta go in order.

Kthanid had been sleeping when his mate and kids were killed. Cthulhu had stabbed her through he stomach, she fell down passed out, where Cthulhu hung her, as a symbol of him lacking fear of Kthanid. He had just decapitated the kids. Kthanid woke up hours later, traumatized by the look of his mate's mouth sewn into a smile, hanging from a rope. Kthanid knew it was Cthulhu. He told Nug and Yeb what happened. But when Nug and Yeb took Cthulhu to lecture him, he just said that he'd let his anger unleash, lying, fore he'd always had jealousy of Kthanid. Being older, getting a mate, having kids, practically raising all the Fhtagn Siblings, and how quickly he matured. All the siblings loved him, and everyone thought Cthulhu to be "distant" and "cold". He was very wreck less and curious, sometimes opening Pandora's pithos/box. He tried to be good too, helping Kthanid and Hnarqu whenever Hastur was bullied, but Hastur was scared of Cthulhu, Cthulhu ended up becoming one of Hastur's bullies, just to get under Kthanid's skin. Around the future Hastur started hating Cthulhu, and grew cold towards him. Becoming jealous of his followers. Kthanid also grew cold towards his Great Old One siblings, except Hnarqu and Hastur. He even stopped talking to Nug.

One day Hastur went to Nyarlathotep and begged him to end his suffering (the Night Gaunts disease). Nyarlathotep said that, even though he was a powerful god, he couldn't do that. And while there will never be a cure he had to keep pushing through, till he does die. Hastur talked to each of Azathoth's kids, each one of them told him that everyone has to keep pushing through, even when life seems most challenging. Around this time was when Kthanid became depressed and stopped taking his pills. One day he was caught dumbfounded when he saw his mate in his kitchen.

The once happy family became a group of creatures that were once upon a time close. And it's all because of Cthulhu. The rest of his siblings continuingly hating him.

[thiamfresh]

The good thing about my depression being back with a fucking vengeance is that I've always hated myself for not asking for help enough between the ages of 11-18 when my depression was at its most self destructive.

Have also been shamed by my family for not opening up/asking for help/telling them what I needed

But now I'm older and wiser and back just as fucking depressed and have told my mum, my boss, my friends, how fucking bad it is and what I think I need and the best I've gotten is a week off work (Where my boss has still given me side projects to do while I'm off) and eye rolls from my mum (when I told her exactly how bad my mental health is.)

So you know its nice?? To know that i didn't fuck up my own life as a kid by like not sharing enough (even tho I did repeatedly ask/signal for help) and that im just genuinely not worth the help and even with explicit cries for help I'll still be ignored and have to eventually find a way out completely alone after spending probably another 7 years self destructing and actively ruining my own life if my previous experience is anything to go by

But at least I won't feel guilty about it this time 🥳

[numb-little-bugg]

funny how you stop caring about things when you’ve been dealing with the same shit for almost 5 years.